Why saying 'cheer up' doesn't work

[@SlippedGear]

Being dismissive is something I used to do, because I didn't know any better at the time. But I have since learned that a far better response is to ask them to tell me more about their situation, and just listen. Let them vent. Acknowledge their feelings. And be supportive.

[@jenlovesthisstuff]

@@SlippedGear that is excellent advice!

[@acrefray]

In the end, all KZbinrs end up as Simon Whistler

[@almondmilkmatcha]

best comment so far

[@DrSyl]

Why have I suddenly started speaking with a British accent !? :O

[@j.e.6372]

“Cheer up” is like saying “calm down” to angry people. If people could “cheer up” or “calm down” readily, they would. But it sometimes takes years of reminding oneself of “what’s good” to change the brain. It’s like slowly carving a different path, but you can only shovel or carve a bit each time, eventually you can make your stay inside a hard emotion shorter by being able to access the stuff that is good more quickly.

[@alyssafinch6853]

It can also cause feelings of guilt. If you tell a person in a sever depressive episode that they should feel happy because someone somewhere has it worse than they do you may simply add to their depressed mood. Now they’re thinking ‘Ugh, I’m such an awful person, why do I feel this way when I’ve got things so much better than others in this world? Why am I not grateful enough for the things that I have?’

[@flawed1]

This video will be genuinely helpful for anyone who actually wants to help other. However, the issue here is people who tell you to simply be grateful for what you have or expect you to get some kind of comparative to joy because there are people in the world who have it “ Worse than you” often don’t really want to be helpful. That isn’t their true motivation. Their true motivation is often to validate their own way of thinking and living. Their true motivation is very often to get comparative joy from realizing that they are capable of seeing that they have it better than the person they’re claiming to be trying to help

[@chance5745]

An important topic, Syl. I concur with you, totally. Phrases like "Cheer up" are dismissive and prevent accurate sybolisation of one's exmotion and experience... it manifests in other ways... physical ailments, projection and displacement... By the way, I think your shaven head looks great! But, I am biased because I am bald 😆 That being said, It's new to you, so perhaps does engender self-consciousness. Warm regards and Season's greetings. C.

[@lekazik1571]

Many things I and many others have felt and wondered, summarized into a cohesive talking point. Very informative and well put, I especially appreciate the drawing attention to the mindset of those saying "just cheer up", where their actions inherently come from and what they actually accomplish... or don't accomplish in this case xD. Also, the bald look suits you very well! Wear it with confidence!

[@jenlouSG1]

I like the new do! Was jarring at first as such a huge change but if I'd never watched a video and was asked to compare the looks, this new one wins!

[@chelseastrmserver2813]

You explained this way better than I could. My boyfriend tends to say things like “cheer up” etc and I’ve been trying for years to explain why it’s dismissive. 😅

[@cricketcorner8950]

Thank you! This discussion was really helpful. 2024 has been an awful year for me, and since I couldn’t change the crappy stuff, I launched myself into camping and just bought a canoe. My mantra at every downturn has been “I don’t know. I’m going camping.” But I’ve worried as to whether this is avoidance or a good way of coping. So your ramblings weren’t rambling to my ears at all! It’s not as if I’ve failed to feel the pain and sadness of this year. It’s just that crying isn’t going to change any of it, and honestly, I’m tired of crying and just want to enjoy the good parts of life. The bad stuff will always be there, after all.

[@justinwebb3117]

At risk of distracting from a very important topic, your zero cut looks amazing and suits you muchly. And now back to the head medical!! 😂❤

[@nerea4327]

I think it's also interesting to explore a similar, yet different perspective: "you shouldn't be sad cause I have it so much worse and you don't see me acting sad". I'm currently undergoing EMDR therapy to "cure" my CPTSD. Christmas is a bad time for me since that means seeing my abuser and suffering in silence cause no one in my family knows. These days I've been hearing my coworkers complain about their relatives and how they don't want to argue with them on Christmas dinner. I kept thinking to myself "bohoo, you cant' stand your aunt, that's your biggest issue? If you were in my shoes...". I talked about this with my therapist and she made me see how we all have different suffering thresholds depending on what we've experienced. That means, if my coworker has had an easy life, what to me would be a 5/10 bad experience, for her it might be 9/10 cause that's all she knows. I've been doing this exercise to stop feeling sorry for myself and to be more empathetic towards others.

[@coraldell3091]

Gheez I'm sorry to hear that you have to endure a Xmas day with the said person 😢

[@deborahbasel184]

It comes down to others not understanding Major Depression. They think of sadness. That you can snap out of. Not Depression where your emotions are intense and out of your control.

[@Gwenx]

"if you don't laugh you cry" My partner actually uses laughing to make me soften enough to cry. Often it begins to well up and then i just go numb, stiff, dissociating - Then he moves my joints slowly,warm me, squeeze me, and then he makes me laugh and i will imminently cry, letting all the pinned up energy and feelings out, and after that i feel kinda renewed again, its weird but it works :)

[@DrSyl]

Emotional catharsis :)

[@shawnaford5540]

Cheer up is a slap in the face equivalent. Kind of like when a pet dies and someone says ‘don’t be sad you can get another one.’ 🤦‍♀️

[@jenlovesthisstuff]

It's dismissive and results in not wanting to speak up.

[@terrigoulding559]

It seems that telling someone to ‘cheer up’ when they are down is shaming and can make someone feel worse about themselves. It can make them feel that their current state is not ok or acceptable which can lead to a feeling of guilt or shame. Creating more negative emotions for the person is not helpful.

[@katzrantz]

A friend of mine who's got a degenerative disease and cancer got told by a counsellor not to be a "negative Nancy" this is why I hate "counsellors", because here in Australia, it's not a protected title, and any nong can say they're one regardless of any mental health training. Same goes for "mental health clinician" and "life coach". Who the hell knows what their qualifications are?

[@maureencunningham9995]

I like the new hairstyle. All ready for the aussie summer !

[@coraldell3091]

the councillors I've seen in Oz have been wonderful to me. I'm sure you could check with them , or the medical doctor whom refers you to the councillor for proof of certification of legitimacy.

[@katzrantz]

@@coraldell3091 yeah, I've got enough on my plate without having to police people who could've done a 6 month course and don't actually have any idea what they're doing. Psychologist, psychiatrist I'll happily wait for, because I know they've got the education. Hell even a 4th year psychology student is a safer bet than some of the dropkicks that call themselves counsellor.

[@katzrantz]

​​@@coraldell3091I have enough on my plate. I'll just get referred to people I know are qualified so that kind of thing doesn't happen to me (again). Toxic positivity doesn't help me process, and I'm obviously not alone. The problem is when people don't have a choice, like my friend who was assigned to that dismissive counsellor.

[@tonyburton419]

Depression is a mood disorder. Life dystopia is just a realisation that one should perhaps be more aware of downward comparisons. We do not have the control over our feelings and emotions as many think (ACT and Relation Frame Theory) Being miserable does not equate with more serious depressive moods. It's ok the feel miserable from time to time, but a great little book called "How to be Miserable - 40 Strategies You Already Use" by R.Paterson New Harbinger 2016 is highly recommended. It is written ironically and describes ways to make yourself miserable, - suggesting what not to do - to lessen it. It is based more on CBT distortions to a large extent. But clever and a worthwhile read.

[@l0vel4ce82]

Okay. So I will keep try to keep this comment short. So basically, I nearly had a depression relapse and the trigger for that near relapse: A book that said everything that you should not be saying to someone with depression, targeted at those with depression. These include "clearly your first choice was to become depressed," "you have been lining up for what you asked for" and "fake [happiness] until you make it" and even just "smile." It also had a chapter on gratitude that really sounded like "cheer up." So I will say that not only is it unhelpful, but when directed at those with depression, it can actually be very dangerous.

[@annipsy2185]

1:04 obviously i havent heard all the way through yet but i believe you and many others that wont understand this perspective FULLY, is because they havent actually lived in a hard to live in type of country and many many different kinds of hardahips that come with it. most people here dont even have the privilage to get to THINK about themeselves and their health. its a grind of day and night just to survive. to add in to this. perspective DOES matter in life. So when people say this, they are trying to provide a better perspective . not to say youre not allowed to feel sadness.

[@DrSyl]

Yea I also agree it's critically important to have gratitude and perspective to have a balanced life.

[@Ehecatl1111]

GUESS WHAT SYL!!!! I GOT INTO JHU TO STUDY NEUROSCIENCE!!!!!!!!!!

[@DrSyl]

Huge!! congrats

[@Ehecatl1111]

@@DrSyl IT'S INSANE!!!! I WOULD BE HONORED TO BE ON THE PODCAST ONE DAY!!!!

[@ChaiLatte13]

I'm dismissive avoidant and hate sayings like that. The problem is people who say that stuff think they're empathetic and that makes my eyes roll.

[@TheRealCoryKent]

Well not for me, but regarding emotions and desiring to avoid negative feelings... Emotions are energy. When you're around it you can feel it too. Negative feelings pull many people down and it feels bad. People don't want to feel bad so they try to correct the cause where the negative energy is coming from. I'd say it's not a sign of failure if a person can't or doesn't want to near negative emotions; rather it's normal and it's a defense mechanism.

[@thomasschliffke9185]

Thank you 🧡⚓️

[@jordibear520]

I have a personal question. To what extent is me not being able to function normally my fault (im 19). Ive experienced domestic violence or should i say witnesssed? idk. But domestic violence was a reoccuring theme in my household growing up but back then i didnt view it as such and neither did my entire family. My parents were always fighting. My dad has anger issues and my mom is an alcoholic. They were always entangled in their own problems to the point where i was taught much or like i never really felt seen. So growing up i didnt gain lots of skills or anything like that. I cant do certain basic things like folding clothes or doing certain chores. My hygiene is also quite bad, and you might think "then look after yourself". but if i had been taught this sooner i would've done it, now it just feels like ive already done the damage to my teeth/skin/body so whats the point. I feel hopeless. I feel like i have so much to catch up on with my peers and its paralyzing. I also struggle to even interact with people in my household or any friends. I just like distancing myself because it feels safer. However the little chores or things i can do, i can only do them if 1, my family members are in their rooms or 2, im home alone. When anyone is around me i get overwhelmed. Sometimes i feel like theres a spotlight on me like they're watching me do the chores and how im probably doing it wrong or just them judging my hygiene etc. (random thingy, i was what people consider a golden child at least for primary school but at the same time i felt like the invisible child.) I also have also opened up multiple times to my parents about how i feel, like poor motivation and chronic fatigue etc. But it would just go out the other ear. And because back then i was a minor i needed their financial help to get me help (therapy etc). But that didnt really happen. We even had 1 family therapy session and my parents stopped going immediately after. So now that im 19 my parents expect me to find a job, study etc even though i never had support in any stage of my life, but now that ive reached a certain age im expected to suck it up and go into the world with nothing SORRY IF THIS IS ALL OVER THE PLACE

[@oiausdlkasuldhflaksjdhoiausydo]

I never understood validation. I do not nor I ever care about other people and their permission. I feel terrible because my reality is terrible regardless of other people. What does validation even mean?

[@6Fiona6_P_6]

03:59 I know it’s not on topic but… I’ve gotta say it Really suits You… When I saw the thumbnail my initial thought was Who went wild with the weed whacker? It hasn’t been that hot in Your neck of the woods of late? ( Unlike some of us poor sods in Western Sydney right now Tue 17 Dec 2024)…… ⚛️☮️🌏

[@j.e.6372]

Also i was scandalised by shaved head comment you made. Like mouth opened in shock and horror. You’re objectively handsome, startlingly so. Accept it!

[@SHANECatLovinActivistHistorian]

george harrison said to cheer down

[@PmanDelux]

damn rocking the bald style now looks nice :)

[@FeatheredFalconTherian]

I like ur hair 😄

[@DrSyl]

Oh lack there of! ha

[@Geneticjackpot]

Nice doo 👍

[@luxe0780]

i agree with most of this video but the part where you said using humor as a positive adaptation strategy made me pause. i’m not sure about that as so often, we see comedians use self deprecating humor as content and the underlying issues are actually really not funny. i literally just saw one on facebook (was a trailer for a new netflix show) and the stand up comedian was using their parentified childhood as content. the audience was laughing but im watching it feeling really uncomfortable. it’s not normal or funny that your mom uses her daughter as her quasi-spouse because her marriage broke up. anyway when you said using humor/laughter as a way to process negative feelings, i dunno. i think for superficial things maybe it’s ok, but for complex trauma definitely not. i think if someone is brave enough to communicate they’re having feelings that’s aren’t positive, the right thing to do is hold space and just say i’m here for you, i’m sorry you’re feeling this way and i wish you weren’t, is there anything i can do for you etc. when people are in their feeling, they’re often not looking for a solution or “fix”, they’re looking for validation and connection.

[@Marta-nh9iw]

I think it's simply very individual. In my case humour worked better as it was a distraction from constant thinking about what happened and helped me to pull back. Therefore I could finally rationalise and process everything. Questions about myself and how to help me pushed me only to feeling more miserable and focusing only on the way how bad I felt but not helped to focus on why. On the top of it it gave me a true feeling that I'm not alone in it and that I can support others too.

[@nyckolaus]

Your hair!

[@TimLemonn]

It’s important to remember no one says it with malice.

[@DrSyl]

Good point!

[@luxe0780]

doesn’t matter, its invalidating af when someone says it. as someone who is highly sensitive and feels things very deeply, i can assure you the intention with which it’s said doesn’t matter.

[@TimLemonn]

@@luxe0780 Building up resilience is an important life skill that you will need to learn then. You can’t expect the world to change for you, you have to learn to deal with the world.

[@luxe0780]

@@TimLemonn resilience is not what i mean here. i agree we all need to be resilient to the extent possible, but there are situations where someone is feeling deeply and that is an appropriate reaction, and it’s invalidating to tell them to cheer up, just smile etc. i’m referring to those situations, not situations that are short term and of minor significance. also, if someone is in their feelings and you disagree or believe the feelings are not valid, i would argue that’s a you issue, not a them issue. it’s not up to someone else to tell someone if their feelings are valid or not.

[@alyssafinch6853]

No but it is often said out of ignorance.

[@noahcd38]

First🤭

[@alphadog3384]

You look distinguished.

[@kierstymiller6305]

You're cute bald! You have a lovely head 😊 ✌❤