Why Shame is the Raid Boss of Emotions

Dr. K's Guide releases August 18th! bit.ly/3yEn4t6
Check out Dr. K's meditation for shame: • How to Overcome Shame ...
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#shame #identity #psychiatrist

[@HealthyGamerGG]

Check out the guided meditation for shame, taught by Dr. K: kzbin.info/www/bejne/amTKqpiwj86UqLM

[@Hemlocker]

Wow, someone in chat said something like "shame isn't an emotion, it's an emotion generator" then 3 mins later Dr. K said almost the exact same thing. Chat is learning!

[@bobobsen]

5Head Dr Chat

[@Moose92411]

I’m impressed you can listen to him and keep up with the chat simultaneously!

[@Glace1221]

Shame _IS_ sus.

[@Lunk42]

Bro I can't believe dr k is stealing all his ideas from chat.

[@MP-cq7pm]

Great insight

[@RandyArdywibowo]

Reminds me of Zuko from Avatar spending all his life feeling shameful, trying so hard (and nearly freezing to death) to regain his honor. He spent all his life feeling that he deserved to be exiled, constantly reminded of his perceived worthlessness by the scar on his face. Until finally, he walks his own path, begins to understand the source of all his anguish and confronts it in the end. One of my most beloved fictional characters.

[@Mebble]

fantastic connection

[@delmerwilson7890]

"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source. True humility is the only antidote to shame." -General Iroh

[@jaetrnn6000]

I'm amazed at how you conveyed so much about a character in a single paragraph.

[@growingoaks]

spoiler alert lol

[@destroyerinazuma96]

@@delmerwilson7890 sounds legit. That could very well be my issue. Full disclosure: I used to think I must become the next Gandhi or JFK. And I was ashamed at not undertaking the necessary steps to become Ghandi or JFK. Absurd, isn't it? "I can't be me cause me can't save the planet, and that's shameful. Go rot in a corner, me." This actually led to food, water, pleasure and toilet deprivation and a lot of other nasty stuff.

[@thisisntallowed9560]

My parents used to tell me as a child literally "you should be ashamed", and shame was used as a method of education and there was no loving words or anything to compensate.

[@PurpleCoral]

I feel you man, I have been told the exact same thing countless times throughout my childhood, "We work so hard for you, you should be ashamed of yourself."

[@thisisntallowed9560]

@@PurpleCoral "If only we could film you, then you'll realize"

[@actidione]

@@thisisntallowed9560 this^^^^^^^^^^

[@MiketheNerdRanger]

There *were* loving words in my case, for all the good it did. I can't let go of this feeling for *shit.*

[@Georgiana216]

bloody hell, this

[@isaaccardin]

I like how doctor K masterfully starts with a solid western method of understanding the mind and then seamlessly transitions into ancient wisdom. He is like Eckhart tolle for western gamers.

[@Balloonbot]

I find him much more helpful even. I think Eckhart toll has done a great job in making people aware of being more present and tackling our overworked minds but as he's not a medical professional his work stops there really. Eventually all the Eckhart videos and messages just repeat - but Dr.K's knowledge helps us go deeper.

[@supertrollfaxnoprinter3329]

I seek to undue everything he has done by hiding among us references in all of my comments. I am slowly destroying a wide array of peoples mental health.

[@nirgunawish]

@@supertrollfaxnoprinter3329 yuck your comments are hurting my brain

[@V4Andy]

@@supertrollfaxnoprinter3329 Admitting to wanting to destroy our mental health is kinda sus.

[@varden3270]

@@colbyboucher6391 Right, to understand ancient wisdom in a scientific way.

[@SoffyHoffers]

"I am neither special nor worthless." 10:30 That hit pretty hard for me. I've been struggling over the sense of not being special since I was a kid. I always wanted super powers or something just so that I could be different. Because if I wasn't special, I was worthless. But people are not special nor worthless. "I am neither special nor worthless."

[@arraikcruor6407]

Exactly! We are conditioned to believe we are either special or worthless. We need to rewire our brains from this toxic conditioning.

[@Alex-sr7op]

Paradoxically you are special anyways. Uniquie fingerprint or IRIS. So it's more you are both, special and not special. Also you are a winner anyways. Your sperm won against millions of other ones ;)

[@GRORGvideot]

You should watch Blade Runner 2049, it pretty much deals with those themes (awesome movie)

[@frog6054]

I'm...... just a normal frog that wants to live a normal life. The only things that I need are shelter, foods, the internet and the happiness of others. That's all.

[@SoffyHoffers]

@@GRORGvideot I have seen it! It was definitely a good movie. I think it bothered me for that same reason, actually, the question of worth and feeling special. I felt cheated/robbed for Gosling's character. But I also liked/appreciated that it was the way it was in the end, you know? They were conflicting feelings.

[@RGBreezy76]

"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the antidote to shame." -Uncle Iroh

[@H3XED_OwO]

I absolutely love that quote

[@john_smith_john]

Not really. Plenty of people are shameful without pride being broken

[@maxwill2095]

​@@john_smith_john he is saying that shameful people are inherently prideful; pride serves as the source of their shame. This does not imply that their pride is broken. On the contrary, it suggests that individuals may persist in experiencing shame again and again because they have pride. Therefore, you are actually supporting the quote rather than disproving it.

[@elizabethoakley8802]

Wrong. Shame is about a distorted sense of responsibility for trauma or issues over which you had little or no control. Shame is handed down to many abuse survivors by perps who try to make the victim feel responsible for what was done to them.

[@ggstylz]

That depends on whether it’s authentic pride (self acceptance) or egotistical pride.

[@gilmariebrioso1554]

I don’t think we really realize how valuable this channel is. I’ve been trying to talk about this shame issue with my therapist for a while now and, for some reason, there has always been a disconnect. I don’t think my therapist sees my shame issue as a big deal or as debilitating as it can be for me. This video, along with one other (I don’t remember which one it was; So sorry!), has helped me understand this long-held conundrum and has actually showed me a way to solve the issue.

[@Balloonbot]

Im not sure what your temperament is or what kind of therapy you're currently undergoing- but if you're anything like me you might find talking about your thoughts and feelings actually quite easy. I found regular counsellers don't suit me because of that, as they're trained to just listen and all i ended up doing was just talking out loud about the same things i think about all day anyway. There are other forms that are little more participatory - where the therapist can help you tackle things more specifically.

[@EduardoMartinez-lf5id]

@@Balloonbot what are those other forms?

[@justgivemeanumber8215]

The biggest issue is see and want to forewarn is that people shouldn't take the knowledge from this episode and confront anyone with it, especially the parents. It is like, you can trigger the shame in other people -- it's in everyone, not just people who have 'trouble functioning'

[@umeboshi228]

@@Balloonbot Are you talking about coaching? I remember dr k talking about coaching vs. therapy and like their approach is different which is just like you've said. : D

[@lollylula6399]

Do you need a different therapist? I'm sure with most schools of therapy shame is well versed. Regardless - if something is a big deal to you then their role is to explore it and understand it with you. It sounds like your therapist is 'missing' you, and I really hope they are not undermining you.

[@trevorhay1777]

I think a problem that many people fall into with shame is they don’t think it a bad thing. We push humility so much, that when we feel shame we misinterpret it. It took me a while to realize that what I thought was my “laid back, humble personality” was actually my shame.

[@shwetanavani480]

I remember being a young child and being made to feel that my worth was tied to getting good marks in school. I'm asian so that's pretty usual. I think that's where it started for me. My story was "I'm not good enough, I can't do anything right" and then I went through 20 years of hell before I finally figured out I have to go through the process of unlearning. I wish someone had talked to that little girl that used to be me about these things. Its actually one of the main reasons why I'm a teacher today.

[@parshantsharma118]

You are right

[@gilmariebrioso1554]

Omg, I have this same issue with shame! That is why I always loved this Uncle Iroh quote from ATLA: “Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source. True humility is the only antidote to shame.” I could sense there was truth there, but the quote didn’t really click for me. It wasn’t until I recently watched a Dr. K vid that talked about pride/ego (don’t remember which one) that I began to fully understand the quote. However, this video is like the second half of the lesson. It’s extremely helpful. I especially appreciate the practical steps that were given. I will definitely be using them for my own healing.

[@thisisntallowed9560]

Zuko is a good exemple on how to get out of shame. He said something he shouldn't have during a meeting, then he got exiled by his father as a child because he saw Zuko as a failure. He went from prince to peasant. And he felt ashamed of being at the bottom/rejected/humiliated, so he wanted his honor back. He was proud of his nation but traveling the world as a poor, exiled guy humbled him. He realized he wasn't a failure to begin with and his father was wrong, and he joined the avatar to defeat his father and end the war. And at the end Iroh was proud of him because he found his own way.

[@nirgunawish]

holy shit literally same ive already qued that ego video for rewatching

[@isaiasfernandez5214]

I literally always cite this quote from Uncle Iroh for this exact reason. So meaningful and profoundly true.

[@Hello-rq9yx]

girl, i was about to say thesame thing about uncle Iroh's quote😂.

[@TheKBC14]

You deserve more likes 💯

[@ThatNaelis]

I've been struggling with attention and motivation issues for a long time. Whether it is undiagnosed ADHD, or something else that's the cause, the shame of not being able to succeed or even push myself to do the things where others seem to breeze through life is ever-encompassing and holds me back in everything. Avoidance of shame and perceived failures that cause it leaves me at dead end jobs at 30 years old with no friends - which both obviously compound on the feeling of shame. It's so hard to break out of the cycle.

[@TheMegaJFrog]

youre not alone man 🙏

[@GSPV33]

Really sorry to hear you're in such a tough spot. But we're rooting for you. There are people out there who'd treasure you as a friend. Remember, we're blind to our own weaknesses, but we're also blind to our own strengths. You often can't see the great things about you because you take them for granted, and it takes having some honest friends around to remind you. So don't fall into an internal echo chamber of just shaming yourself. You have worth.

[@kelseydaniels7283]

I agree with both of these replies! I’d just like to add that if you do have ADHD, you should go to a therapist and get a diagnosis. Talking to a therapist about your shame can really help too. Also, a therapist can give you strategies to help with lack of focus/lack of motivation, not to mention medication could help you also. I got diagnosed with inattentive ADHD at age 40, and it was a huge step for me and I felt like a burden was lifted. Hang in there man!

[@IceGoddessRukia]

Totally feel you! Not being seen as "cool enough" when everyone around me has well paying jobs and families is a real kick in the pants. It's hard to crawl out of the mud pit.

[@kit0134]

Do not kill the part of you that is cringe... kill the part that cringes

[@adamcummings20]

This is it

[@jimmyjimmyson9390]

Perfect

[@wizwizington1758]

no. look at the cringe, understand it without judging it. then you will either have killed the part of you that is cringe (you realize the shame makes sense, for example you really dont wanna be fat) or that there is no reason to feel cringeworthy

[@moschopspaladin5894]

Shame is a feeling that goes down to the bone. It's like a switch that activates when we fail to do what is expected. I always imagine some "average" guy just killing it, where I screw up. Like we are stealing from society just by being alive.

[@prapanthebachelorette6803]

Yo buddy, you speak my mind !

[@vtheory7531]

What I often catch myself doing is interpreting situations that happened to me as conclusions about who I am as a person. So naturally, negative experiences are seen as meaning “I am a bad person” in my eyes, and that caused me to feel a lot of shame and lowered my self esteem as a result. Eventually my mind started cherry-picking bad experiences in my daily life to further “prove” my self assertion that I was worthless, thus deepening that sense of shame in myself. To stop this from happening, I need to acknowledge the negative emotion (shame) when bad things happen to me, BUT STOP linking these circumstances (that are in fact just events) to who I am as a person. I make mistakes and embarrass myself, it does NOT make me any more deserving of self hatred. My life is NOT a movie, with a narrator constantly trying to find a theme, meaning or reason to WHY things happen to me and what it means for my inherent worth in the world. Things just happen, it just IS, and when I stop overthinking this, my shame in myself lessens. It also helps to remind myself that others (especially strangers) care less than I think. You might think people will remember an embarrassing thing you did forever, but most of the time they don’t, and they don’t care anyway. That really helps calm me down when I was wrapped up in shame over something bad happening to me.

[@bryancamareno2831]

I felt shocked at how moved I was by this statement: "My life is NOT a movie, with a narrator constantly trying to find a theme, meaning or reason to WHY things happen to me and what it means for my inherent worth in the world." I've never heard my internal experience of shame described so accurately and it's antidote. Thank you. This really helped. 😊

[@CharlyDeamen]

Thought provoking to the extreme. Once again I can't help but start to turn on my parents when it comes to this stuff. I've been told a whole bunch of things starting with "You are too..." often I was talking too loud, laughing too hard, or just... yea, and "Why are you doing X, don't you know how it looks?" which... is a fountain of a whole other sort of core shame. I think. I think I might have been wired to avoid being "too anything", so no self-esteem, and no desire to do anything... in case it's "too something".

[@alphaoscillator]

fuck i never knew how discripe this until I saw your comment 10/10 me thank you for verbalizing

[@NikHem343]

Dude that is enlightening, thanks

[@a.a.2752]

"when i don't deserve something and it happens anyways it reprograms my understanding of what is deserved and what is not deserved" ........ dude that's it ......... that's what it is ......... that's the most coherent way anyone has ever described it

[@DanielL143]

There is a great story about a Zen master who tries to help a traveller with his sadness and existential angst. He simply asks the man who are you. The man gives his name, but the monk explains, no that is just a label. Then the man gives his profession, but that's just how he earns a living. Then the man gives his race, religion, political orientation, favorite food and all of the other things that a person identifies with to form a notion of a self. At the end of the conversation he is left with nothing. And that, is who we all are, and it is wonderful and it is true freedom. We are just consciousness inhabiting a body covered with labels, programmed with narratives and hidden by masks. All sources of suffering. All distortions of the true you. Let them go. All of them, positive and negative. They are weighing down your spirit and making you heavy. Don't create an artificial identity. Rather free yourself from identification.

[@S4tanMW3]

I am ashamed about my stuttering. In times where I feel confident my stuttering is less frequent. Hopefully I can stop being ashamed about it, but it's really difficult.

[@delyew5270]

I don't know you but I know you can do it. Good luck my friend. Working towards bettering yourself is a respectful act and I wish you all the best.

[@Roy30888]

Bro, same here. First I was ashamed of stuttering, then I was afraid I might stutter, then I started to avoid social situations because I'd feel it all. I'm doing better now, but it was really tough at times.

[@parrotshootist3004]

You are right to speak. The shame should never have been given to you.

[@S4tanMW3]

Thanks for all the encouraging words.

[@Maelthorn1337]

If the Scatman can do it, so can you.

[@DrDipsh1t]

I really liked the "I am" part. I've been a big fan of reminding myself that events in life aren't good or bad, they simply are. "It is, what it is". By saying simply, "I am", it's a way to personalize and internalize that to attributes about myself.

[@iche9373]

Cogito Ergo Sum

[@TripleEightss]

@@iche9373 not rlly related but nice try.

[@Moose92411]

When I started letting go of a lot of the shame that I’d carried around for years, my whole sense of self and ability to feel gratitude and satisfaction inflated immensely.

[@jacobtruelove9326]

My shame comes from my last relationship where I was toxic. Ever since she broke up with me I've recognized my flaws and have been working to fix them and I like to think that I have. It has been two and a half years and I haven't purposefully hurt anyone during that time, but even though I logically understand that, there's still just as much shame and guilt. And because of that I feel like I haven't been able to make a close bond with another person, I just trust myself so little that I feel like I can't get close to anyone. I also had to move after my relationship and I lost contact with most of my friends and my best friend at the time ghosted me, so i really had to restart from zero with a new lesson, a different culture, and a new fear. Now that I'm going to be in college in a few weeks, I think it's about time I relearn to trust myself, and make some close friends. Well, if I can figure out how.

[@lawrenharris9186]

word for word with exactly what I'm going thru

[@MidnightEkaki]

Its a great thing you recognised your flaws and tried to fix them. But remember no ones perfect and everyone has flaws. You just need to accept its in the past and be proud of the person you have grown to be and do your best to grow into a better person. People will like you for that.

[@DrDipsh1t]

Look at it as a learning experience. You may not always know the right approach to things in life, but at least now you know an approach that you shouldn't take. Making amends which tends to alleviate shame means to make ongoing changes. So look at every day forward as a day in which you are NOT living the way you used to, and that you are making progress and learning along the way. We talk about this in 12 step fellowships, but this isn't something limited to addicts but extends to the entirety that is simply the human condition. As cliche as it may sounds, "everyday is a blessin' or a lesson".

[@demetrioavalos7975]

I didn’t recognize the flaws in me when I was in a 3 year long relationship. She was good to me & I was not truthful with her. I lied to her a lot. Because of that I have a shit ton of guilt and shame. As I deserve for hurting her. You perfectly described my inner struggle. Thank you 🙏

[@Casinooos]

Sounds really hard, but also like you're on the right path, I wish you luck!

[@luckypeanut9943]

To me the biggest emotion connected to shame is worthiness. We hold ourselves back because we don't find ourselves worthy of our own success

[@girlalrighty]

"I am what i am, neither a failure nor successfull, neither special nor worthless, just me."

[@suly3243]

the difference between shame and other emotions imo is that shame is in the aftermath, it’s post-event not during nor pre-event. so if you wanna look for where you learned to feel it look for it in the post events in your life. example: I got bullied and my dad got angry because I didn’t tell him and I think that when shame started to rise, feeling that your parent is being critical of you and you adopt that criticism towards yourself, so if you feel someone crossed the line towards you, you will feel shame if you don’t do something and it makes you angry you didn’t do anything and if you get angry it may make the situation worse, and feel more shame later because you “failed”. that’s why I think two of the steps of dealing with social anxiety is “letting yourself fail”, and “not to give in nor fight your anxiety”.

[@propjoe3330]

You just perfectly described my experience. I got bullied very early in my life (that's putting it lightly) and this video really opened my eyes as to how that rewired me to just take further bullying from then on. Now 2 decades later, every time my mind goes back to those painful memories I obsess in thinking how I could have done something different to change the outcome. But the emotions are exactly what you described, angry at myself for not standing up for myself, and shame for the outcome (either way).

[@oliverbeck6839]

For me it can at all times not just post event, like I’ll feel super ashamed during a conversation with a stranger because of some underlying reasons and it makes me hate myself

[@ann29light]

shame is something that i really struggle with. it got so bad that it causes me to not be able to function in my community. i really need this one, thank you dr. k

[@ore259]

As a kid, I had a large amount of pride for being smarter than everyone, but it became a burden. I always had to be the best, and if I wasn't? I would feel like a failure. The idea that I had to be the special one, the one who made it out, the one who solved everything, was a huge burden on me. Essentially the very core of who I am is built up on this anxiety around being the best. The issue I have now is that I am finding I can no longer carry myself to victory in a basket woven with anxiety. I need to let go of needing to be special, and see my intrinsic worth. I need to do things because I want to do them, not because I need to prove myself to anyone, including myself. I need to let go of my pride to leave my shame behind.

[@MysticalSpaceSandwich]

I gotta be honest. I watched that video 5 days ago and it already made a tremendously positive impact on my life. Like seriously. I texted that girl and found out that she really likes me too. I would have NEVER done that - I wouldn't even have allowed myself to think that there is any possibility or had the courage to do it, had I not seen the video on the day and treated the shame instead of myself as the problem. So I'm already amazingly grateful. (Though it's dangerously easy to forget it again. I completely fell back into my old frame of mind without noticing already and just stumbled over the video again.)

[@johndoh1000]

I immediately put this in my favorite playlist because the first words out of your mouth were life changing: Whenever you do something while expecting something good to happen, and the opposite happens, the idea that bad things happen because of you reinforce the idea that you are to blame. This is where shame comes from.

[@jacob_massengale]

Shame is my defining emotion

[@memorabiliatemporarium2747]

He just said shame isn't an emotion. Watch the video first, please.

[@jacob_massengale]

@@memorabiliatemporarium2747 he made a distinction of shame and the identity the springs shame, or a kind of shame that he calls core shame, but its still an emotion

[@jacob_massengale]

Better be able to defend yourself from the most powerful people in the world who will want your food

[@matthewhachtel5511]

This is one of Dr. K’s gems right here. The idea that everything you feel about yourself is a mental construct and you are what you are is relieving to hear if you have been struggling with living up to your own internal standards like me. I used to feel shame and evaluate myself based on my thoughts not my actions and it was a toxic spiral but once I adopted actions > thoughts and that I am exactly who I am (no right or wrong about it) it changed my life. Thank you Dr K

[@cmleite]

Fffffffffuuuuuuuuck this is exactly what I needed. Thank you for making positive change on people's lives Dr. K. Be certain that it has a trickle down effect, my healing affects everyone that crosses my path over here in Brazil. Love and gratitude for you and your work.

[@drakekessler9107]

MORE SHAME CONTENT, WE NEED THIS

[@AeroAndZero]

4:48 Someone in the chat said "Brain friendly firing" lmaooo I love this community

[@jordanring468]

"Shame is the elite mob of emotions." 😮👍✅ I will never forget that. Ever. Shame is the worst. New subscriber and thank you!

[@tony312x]

Watching just one of your videos is better than the past 6 mos of therapy I’ve done. thank you

[@prd_y]

The problem of dr ks video is that every one is worth watching.

[@LearningKaizen]

🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 02:17 🤔 *Shame is tricky; it comes from within but tricks you into thinking it comes from outside. Understanding its origin is crucial for overcoming it.* 05:46 🔄 *Core shame is not just an emotion; it continuously triggers emotions. It originates from the ego, a sense of identity, and persists as long as that identity does.* 08:38 🔄 *Remap your identity to overcome shame; question why you feel you deserve shame, how long you've felt that way, and explore early experiences that shaped your sense of self.* 11:36 🌬️ *Physiologically, alter your breathing to handle shame in the moment. Nadi Shuddi and Om chanting are recommended practices.* 15:48 💡 *When undeserved things happen, it rewires your perception of what is deserved, leading to the core of shame. Examining and challenging early beliefs is crucial for overcoming shame.* Made with HARPA AI

[@incanthatus8182]

This has held me back from getting better for so long, because on some level I felt like I deserve to suffer. Figuring out how I needed to carry the blame in my family to survive has helped so much in getting unstuck and feeling more allowed to actually make progress

[@DedHedZed]

Ashamed for the lack of care and understanding I showed my ex. I hope she is happy now and all the good things she deserves comes her way. Shame is so hard to defeat. Regretful of my past and poor ways I dealt with my emotion and trauma. I believe the future will be better and I'll do my best to make sure the shame I feel now is a reminder to be true to myself and good to myself, so I can be good to my loved ones. Only way it works.

[@TheEarlyAstrotype1024]

10:31 "I'm neither special nor worthless" I think this is a part of being humble. You don't identify yourself as inferior or superior, better than people or worse than people, but you rather identify yourself as ferior, unique and different. This is neither shame or boastful, but humble self-identity.

[@Magus_Union]

Thank you for everything you do Dr. K. Really needed to hear this to help tackle the shame I've carried for almost 3 decades.

[@rubicc1920]

this video has now joined the company of many other Dr K videos that have brought me to tears due to how utterly seen and understood i feel when watching him speak about things i relate to. I have anxiety and ADHD and have come to absolutely treasure these videos and this man's teachings.

[@steev5649]

i get caught in negative thought loops constantly, and they feed into each other and go down the proverbial rabbit hole. caught myself the other day getting in the loop, and literally just vocalizing to myself while driving that what i was thinking about wasn’t the truth and was honestly kinda dumb really worked. cracked me up and made me smile, realized i was talking to myself and i cracked up even more. just laugh, it’s medicine

[@cookingwithkuro8590]

Thank you, I've heard this before but having it explained like that makes so much more sense. I've lived so long restricted by shame. It's gonna take a while to unpack but I finally feel a little bit of the weight is lifted. I cannot thank you enough.

[@mohammedmiah7554]

Shame saved my life, I think people feel shame about the wrong things and that sends them spiralling downwards.

[@MiketheNerdRanger]

I can never pinpoint, like, *the* exact moment that I started to feel a constant sense of shame, because my memories are fuzzy. If that's what it takes then I'm worried I won't be able to fix this for good.

[@RizzenMurray]

No, friend! His solution does not require that, with the "I am" statements. You can be sure of your identity in the present even if your memory of the past is rough.

[@02valdo73]

Hey man I dont really watch you but you are amazing at what you do. My mental has been all over the place for the past 5 years and this might be the video that gets me out of my insecurity way of thinking. I used this video to reflect on my self and my mind hasnt felt this clear in a while. You got yourself another supporter and not only that you eased another viewer from the pain they never understood.

[@devinfaux6987]

A conclusion I came to some time ago was that, the longer I thought about it and the closer I looked, every standard of who does or doesn't "deserve" something was arbitrary. So far I'm much better at applying this to other people than to myself.

[@alexeonbel4304]

I think this describes myself very well. I just haven't explored what exactly it is that makes me feel ashamed of myself. But I'm hoping to have that question answered soon!

[@dead_eddy2237]

Wow, thank you for this video! The insight about social anxiety being less situational and more of an overwhelming emotion makes so much more sense in my life and i hadnt realised that until watching this.

[@Yoppatoot]

after a year or two(?) im back here watching you, you're a legend and have helped my life so much. When I get a stable income I'll donate whatever I can Dr. Have fun doing youtube and I hope more blessings come your way.

[@andrewz2854]

Shame is a cultural tool. It is the primary psychological policing method of most cultures, with varying degrees of extremeness. In Armenian culture, for example, shame/shameful is literally the worst thing you could say about someone. There is no comparable insult. To say someone should be ashamed or is shameful renders them an inferior being in the predominant attitude of this culture. So this is precisely how, like you said in the video, shame is a generator of emotions. It makes us fear rejection, fear becoming worthless, hate what we are or what we have done because of a system of values (culture) that threatens to disintegrate our worth. So because shame is actually external, and something we merely internalize and adopt, I believe we can also work it out of our systems when it becomes toxic and unhelpful to our psyche. It’s a slow process which requires much reflection, challenging of one’s beliefs and determination, but we can alter the programming inside of us that elicits shame.

[@vivianriver6450]

Thank you for this informative video. Thinking about my own feelings of shame and asking what purpose such an unpleasant emotion serves, I think that shame is a name we give to a deep-seated fear of being cast out by friends and family. Part of the solution for me was to ask myself who it is important to be accepted by and why I might be afraid of disappointing them or causing them to dislike me.

[@houssembrahem9185]

this actually helped , i realized that I was feeling ashamed of myself cuz i am weak , weakness isn't attractive so I thought my lack of dating experience was because of my looks well cause I was always harassed for being underweight which makes me feeling weak

[@XCeazyX]

you can find the strength to look inside yourself and see the truth

[@e44-y9s]

oi mate you shouldnt be ashamed of your weight. im 178cm and 50 kilos and no one outside of my closest and best friends makes fun of that (they only tease me anyway lol). also being THAT skinny is a great party trick! ex: me: "eh can you guess how much do i weight?" them: "uhhh not much i think? 65 kilos?" me: "50." them: "YO NO WAY, LEMME PICK U UP" thats also a great icebreaker but then again, you have to learn to accept yourself and distance yourself from you body. it is not who you are.

[@ninjacats1647]

The only people that you should give any authority over weight issues should be health experts. And being harassed is indicative that you are in toxic social circles. If you can, purge the toxic people out of your life, and start fresh with people who are socially supportive. Social support is super important to have.

[@houssembrahem9185]

@@e44-y9s LMAO that's funny af , will try it

[@houssembrahem9185]

@@ninjacats1647 even my family can be toxic sometimes , can't get rid of that

[@gysst]

Insight upon insight. You are a really good teacher

[@Bob-we8kd]

For me It took a while to realise it was shame that made me want to be alone so much, hiding away playing wow hoping to meet the same types of people

[@thekoolkiwiii]

I would really like a guide or a set of guides to help people with dealing with being bullied in the past, though I feel like this one could be already one of them

[@pain799]

I've gotta say, the way this person worded their question was insane. Fucking props to them, man.

[@survivor_of_the_ashes]

I just feel like Dr. K reached into my heart and plucked a chord that I've been searching for 20 years. Thank you so much!

[@alydunno18]

This video is my favorite video I have ever seen. Thank you X 1000000 Dr. K

[@chevestong]

4:12 - 5:50: "Once you have an emotion, it hijacks your thinking; your rational mind. And then what happens is that it misattributes - it misassigns - where the problem lies. Because then, like, if all of these things are true on the outside, then you really do DESERVE to be ashamed of yourself. [...] That's the first thing to understand about shame. [...] We think about shame as an emotion, right? [...] Emotions include: shame, anger, fear, etc. [...] Our approach is like "okay, how do I stop feeling this emotion?", whereas we actually don't; we can't stop feeling an emotion [...]. These [feelings] are just byproducts. They're things that our mind produces due to other things. [...] If I think about "how do I deal with fear?" [...] Dealing with fear is: I don't want to deal with the emotion, I want to deal with the ASSOCIATIONS that create the fear. So let's say I get afraid every time I'm in a social situation. That fear is the CONSEQUENCE of something else in my mind, right? There's something else. [...] In this case, the real thing is ahamkara, or ego. So I want you to understand that the problem here, when we talk about CORE SHAME [...] it's not just an emotion, because emotions come and go. [...]. Neuroscience-wise, emotions equilibrate." 6:29 - 7:39: "So the truth of the matter, is that emotions equilibrate. It's just how our brain is designed. Even major depressive disorder and depressive episodes, tend to be, generally-speaking, time-limited. So the evidence suggests that, even if you're depressed, that that depression will go away over time. [...] So where does core shame come from? So it's not actually an emotion. It is something that continuously creates or triggers emotion - that's the difference. And where core shame comes from is the ego. So the ahamkara is continuously creating new shame. And so then you ask the question "okay, what is the ahamkara? What is the ego?". It's a sense of identity. And as long as this sense of identity persists, it will continuously increase your shame. It's like a shame generating factory. [...] The shame is just the emotion [...]. The emotion will go away on its own. If you're someone who's dealing with core shame, what you really need to understand is: what is the identity structure that creates the shame?" 13:40 - 15:23: "Identity. What do we do about that? [...] Who are you? And why do you deserve to be ashamed of yourself? Like, why are you DESERVING of shame? So there's dealing with the actual emotion, but I would ask yourself the question: why do you DESERVE to be ashamed? And then I would ask yourself, "how long have you deserved to be ashamed?", and I'd really pay attention there. And then the 3rd question is "what happened?". [...] Remember when you were 5 years old; were you ashamed of yourself? And then when you were 8 years old, were you ashamed of yourself? [...] In a moment of shame, I would ask yourself one last question, which is: "are you someone that deserves to be ashamed right now, OR are you ashamed right now?" [...] Think about the IDENTITY vs the CIRCUMSTANCE. And what you'll discover is that there's a part of your mind that basically assumes that you should be ashamed." 15:33 - 16:16: "When you don't deserve something, and it happens to you anyway, THAT is what rewires your perception of what is deserved. [...] When I don't deserve something and it happens anyway, it reprograms my understanding of what is deserved and what is not deserved. And then I carry that programming through life, which is where you carry the identity of shame. So that's where you have to go back and remap it."

[@snafu6472]

"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame." -- Uncle Iroh

[@mazedmarky]

You're such a blessing, Dr. K and the ending really resonated /w me

[@krishkish1]

One of the most painful thing while trying to my shame is my internal resistance. It has been used to it so much that my mind believes them to be the most precise facts.

[@psophilsalva5888]

In the words of Uncle Iroh, "It's is time for you to look inwards and asking yourself the big question, who are you and what do you want?"

[@heyAPJ]

I’ve watched this twice and I’m gonna save it to watch again later. It resonates with me a lot

[@Sesso20]

I have been watching your videos lately again and I just like to read comments and also give my own story, for anyone who cares or that would be helpful to read. Its kind of weird, that I believe to deserve the shame, while knowing that I dont. I am a mindful adult now. I know whats BS, but that doesnt mean it just stops and listening to this video, I got reminded, what my core shame is. Its that I got body-shamed from an early age on, pretty much my whole life. As a little kid I was too thin, going into school I was too big. My whole school I was the "chubby fat kid", while I was perfectly normal in weight. Honestly. It took me years to get that. After school, I got into college and its the first time I got really unhealthy with my weight. At the top I was around 290 lbs. Irrationally it was a time where I felt free. Because now objectively I was fat. I could eat what I want, I didnt have to do sports rigorously anymore. It was like my inner warped sense of self finally aligned with the objective outside. People didnt call me fat anymore. They said, "these few pounds" made me look better, it suited me they said. That I was slowly getting more and more body pain; I ignored at first. It only had upsides being fat at that time. A few years later though I hated it, changed my life completely, lost over 90 lbs and still losing weight. Now people got concerned again that I end up being to thin/skinny and that I will hurt my health even more. All the while, I am still far away from the weight I had as a teenager. And people call me skinny. The saddest part is, I was only motivated to start losing weight to see my "skinny self" because I have totally forgot about it. I wanted to know how I look like. Over time though, and now that is, I want to lose weight in order to be more healthy and to try out more sports I am interested in or be better at them, like running. I dont care if I exactly land where I initially wanted to be, weight-wise. I care about feeling good in my own skin. The times are gone when I listen to people commenting my weight. Its not about me, its about their own perception. It took me so long to realise this. But as shame wasnt so successful in shaming me with my weight, it got into shaming me for me incompetence, for my character, for my receeding hair line, for all kinds of things that I could have had under control, if I just werent so lazy and stupid and what not. It always finds a reason. And I know, as Dr. K. pointed out, core shame is part of my identity. I do still believe, that IF I did certain situations differently, I MIGHT have ended up in a better place. But what better place? I always blame myself for not knowing more about Python, even though objectively I dont need it professionally. It would be a nice niche asset to have, but its very far from mandatory for me. I even have beginner experience due to college and many assignments, but my brain thinks that other people in my class also did Python in their free time; they thought it was valuable. They now know Python better than me and it makes me inferior to them. LOL. Writing this out really helps to underline and undermine the absurdity. And I guess we all have some of these fallacies in our minds. I will write it down on paper too and I will probably come to the conclusion, that I am already doing the best I can with the ressources I have and that past me did a really good job to make me being here today, even possible. I want to congratulate him and not shame him. I dont deserve shame. (And you neither.

[@swagmundfreud666]

This channel truly is a gift.

[@thedramaticcharismatic5664]

Shame is the summoner. It sits behind all these other emotions spawning in new ones. Until you deal with it, it keeps causing new problems.

[@RockingRebelYell]

The toxic shame my parents planted in me and refuse to take any responsibility for their actions in early years are a part of my CPTSD. I need to work on feeling shame without letting it get so overwhelming. It helps that I’ve finally got arrangements to move out.

[@evanzamudio9967]

Just a stumbled upon this gem of a channel. I love being introspective since I’m fascinated by the complicated ways society shapes our psychology. Purge your brain and keep it simple. Just exist, no regerts.

[@chrisweldon6076]

Seeing this a year out from the OG release on KZbin. Just wanted to say tha k you for this, just something in my head clicked with this one today, not sure what but I'm excited to see where it leads!

[@moonhajung6742]

Reminds me of a video of how ADHD people is so full of shame on the _How To ADHD_ channel. Both this and that video are so painful to watch. Thank you....

[@viktor.m.]

Another great video. Just today I talked to my friend about how i fear social interactions and how anxious I get just thinking about going to the club with my friend and his friends who I do not know Well… I realized it boils down to shame, of myself as a whole… Upload on point Haha! I will overcome my shame and face my fears and shame. Thank you, Dr. K.

[@Jaffa__]

Wow thanks for this video, I found it super helpful. For a long time I have been experiencing a dull sensation of what I recently identified as primarily shame pretty much 24/7. And I feel confident now that I can start to understand why I feel like that and why it paralyses me so much. I feel indebted to you for this knowledge

[@samuelbebas6381]

Thanks you so much Doctor, feels like enligthment hearing this

[@BusJustice]

Are we pretending there are no measurements of success in the world? Are we forgetting that unfavourable circumstances beget unfavourable circumstances, and success (or the illusion of success) begets good fortune? It's okay to have your personal case of "I am what I am", because what you are is pretty comfortable at this point. Most folks are not living comfortably enough to settle like that and secure their future at the same time.

[@Mint-nt6ly]

"I'm neither a failure nor successful. I'm neither special nor worthless"

[@jletsgoo]

7:00 core shame comes from the ego.. identity structure. 15:00 are u someone who deserves to be ashamed rn? or are u ashamed rn? identity vs circumstance part of ur mind assumes u should feel ashamed 15:50 rewiring of the brain: when u dont deserve smth, but it happens to u anyway 16:50 :( it must be. me. liberating but painful 18:20 u are neither failure nor success. u are what u are.

[@isharadissanayaka280]

Thank you so much. much needed.

[@praetentious2925]

I’ve been watching healthy gamer videos lately and enjoying/learning a lot, but this video gave me an epiphany. Thanks dr k!

[@WontSean]

This video couldn’t have had better timing thank you Dr.K

[@AmberGarrett-py6ry]

Very profound. THANK YOU.

[@SnagTransfer]

I'm so thankful for this channel. I struggle with mild anxiety and shame and it makes it hard to willingly approach people if I need anything, or for even basic conversation. Even if the topics aren't directly about something that I can completely relate to, I do always feel like I get some nugget of knowledge to take away from it.

[@Glace1221]

Me: >Trying to be competent AND socialize at work My shame: *_"ONE BRINGS SHADOW, ONE BRINGS THE LIGHT."_*

[@KumihoMahao]

He makes it sound so easy, and it's logical. Yet, I feel I can't do it.

[@b-six-twelve]

You can. Just give yourself room to fall back into old habits. You're not going to be one hundred percent right off the bat. Just practice identifying when you start shaming yourself and interrupt that pattern with something more neutral. His "I'm neither successful nor a failure, neither special nor worthless feels like a nice mantra.

[@auspisses]

reminder to listen to this person ^^ if u haven't

[@deadinside8781]

A reminder for you and me.

[@sjoerdglaser2794]

I like the 'who am I really' question really resonated with me. I'm going to try to write it down. The question where my shame comes from is very hard. Because every example I heard/read is about someone who got hit or an an other way their parents were very clearly not loving to their children. I know I've felt shame my whole life, my earliest memories are of shame. So probably my shame is rooted in something my parents did at the core of their up bringing? However, I don't remember my parents being unloving in any specific way. I loved them and I also have so many happy memories with them. Now that I'm older I recognise some patterns of how they break contact when they become emotional, so maybe that's something that caused my shame. But they also changed a lot over the years and I have no memories of the patterns I observe now. So I'm just confused. The mental trouble my sis and I went or go through clearly shows they did something wrong. But I find it very hard to pinpoint what exactly.

[@Naratifan]

I am addicted to shame I realized this video was very helpful of understanding this belief !

[@xqcumber1664]

This is EXACTLY what i was struggling with, thank you!

[@Lorea464]

OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH IVE FELT ASHAMED ALL MY LIFE

[@happilyevernever4289]

It's just that talking about your failures so easily to everyone is hard to do, coz you never know if there'll be those who'll use it against you.

[@WisdomPowerCourage]

Wow. This is actually one of the most logical, well explained, and actually understandive (yeah I just made it up) piece on fixing one self from the core. I've watched Jordan Peterson a lot, and even though he says the same things, the explanation here is just Top 500 level. Insane!

[@zabuma]

That's the difference between a dud and someone that's actually good at psychology! Dr. K is really the best!

[@starstenaal527]

I sometimes beat myself up for existing and I just cry. I feel like I'm trying to hurt my feelings by doing so. Could shame be the origin of this behavior?

[@ImLehwz]

I’m sorry to hear that. Look up CPTSD and see if that resonates.

[@bassaml4438]

I can relate to you a lot, but things now are better after I tried to notice when I feel worthless and after what event or conditions this feeling rises back. sometimes I get hopeless because I don't know why these feelings come up at unusual times. then I discovered that I do feel some things but I didn't realize that I'm feeling them throughout the day. as a consequence, they become so packed and powerful that I couldn't realize the source that they came from and why they are there. so basically I tried to study my thoughts and events and how they correlated with my feelings each day until reached some toxic core beliefs about myself and my identity rooted in me due to past childhoods problems (bullying, emotional neglect,...etc). and now after I identify those toxic beliefs I'm struggling with replacing them or accepting some of them to not let them affect my life negatively anymore. so I'm stuck now but things now are way more clear than before. talking to someone about my problems in my case was very helpful. sorry for the long reply but I really wanted to share with you what worked for me so it might hopefully help you someway. btw shame is a really big part of my internal problems. for me I was feeling ashamed of who I am, but shame is activated when my bad identity and beliefs of myself get activated. I'm not sure if it's the "origin" in my case but it is a big obstacle to deal with. remember you are not alone in this. and be proud that you can survive in this life despite taking this hole s*it of crying and beating yourself up for existing and for doing anything. you might be playing life with hard mode on until the game gets frustrating and you give up. but as long as you give yourself value or you find something meaningful to you in life, there will be always something worth it to play on any difficulty whatsoever. it is okay to go ahead and live with your head held high despite feeling worthless. every human has doubts and nerfs and bad stats while he is taking the responsibility to be a better person, and that's okay.

[@Tiff.a.nay24]

I admire you Dr. K. Thank you for helping me. For helping so many. Your concise ways of teaching and the way you reach people through your matter of fact, scientific, upbeat, humorous, yet compassionate way. You have a purpose. If you need anyone to fulfill a role in your network of outreach, I would love to be on board. Hire me lol! I want to be a part of this greatness.

[@trenkypochcavac]

I dont want to let go of my own shame because I want to feel better than other people when Im at the top

[@sunandoroy1185]

You speak sense!! Its really very nice to hear you on topics I feel confused!! Thanks From India

[@j.p.westwater2334]

Just wanted to say you guys have been dropping some absolute bangers recently. Joined the channel December 2019, and kind of tuned out for most of 2020 (just didn't have much in common with most of the people interviewed), but I've been feeling the positive effects of learning more wisdom from Dr. K again.

[@koh123453]

16:45 I viscerally felt “ have I been a good boy, or a bad boy?” Almost cried which is something I almost never do… I think this explains a lot

[@kantjokes895]

Thanks a ton, both to the poster and Dr. K for making this video. I deal with this exact thing too and this is super helpful