Why some narcissists feel the need to control everything

ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@escherichanja8522]

Narcissists want respect no matter how rude they are. If you don´t give it they play the victim.

[@susanmcguire4664]

I told my toxic siblings they have to earn respect from people. It does not come freely just because you ask for it. I also told them I will never show respect to anyone that causes drama, pain and misery for everyone around them.

[@churrymurray]

Absofluppinlutely!

[@taramoonshadow363]

....OR.....they threaten your very existence...over it!

[@FC-hj9ub]

They go "I AM YOUR MOTHER"like it's an excuse 😂😂

[@coreopolis]

So true, so true! Well said

[@zq1612]

Yep. While you’re perfecting the delicate art of walking on egg shells, you forget how to breathe deeply and enjoy YOUR life.

[@barbarakelly1916]

which might explain the "acting as a child, as soon as you've got your freedom" (because you didn't feel free to be a child, before) - very embarrassing and often harmful - AND may also explain the development of a Rebel tendency.

[@11071874]

Absolutely correct! I felt as though I was holding my breath under a never ending tunnel.

[@kimsmith819]

OMG, this is so true

[@m.j.debruin3041]

@@barbarakelly1916 I have that, and it costed me dearly.

[@kathrynkenyon785]

Good one Z Q!

[@qlg8574]

Using too much toothpaste, too much laundry detergent, wasting water, electricity, wanting me to go bed even when I wasn't sleepy, critiqued about what I watched on TV just absolutely everything...never satisfied and never ending

[@TheTerrylwg]

Yep, yep, yep, yep.... All these years I thought this was just MY husband; I never realized until now that these are Narc traits-- the toothpaste, the bedtime, everything!

[@Coco-og7zw]

Yesssssssssssss!!!

[@bbtank3000]

He wanted YOU in bed at a certain time? My father did everything you listed, but he never wanted my mom in bed at a certain time. Just us kids. We were never sleepy for bedtime, and if we didn't fall asleep within 30 minutes, we were punished by having to go to bed an extra 30 minutes early the next night. I eventually got really good at faking being asleep.

[@corneliussmith2838]

I have been married for six years and I am also a victim. I want to point out that I am a male and women can be narcissists too. I fought for years about having a bed and shower time! I had to be in bed to spoon regardless if I wasn't sleepy or had late work to do.

[@linelightdesigns]

What if you have these traits but you feel really bad . Cuz you have adhd and a father that ghosts you and you in debt and you just want someone to care about my bedtime schedule and how much money we are spending because I’m scared that if I don’t sleep depression will have me sleep in and then I don’t get to work on time . I do t wanna hurt anyone . But I do want things to be my way cuz I’m afraid to loose control of my life . And also because people have made you feel like your trash so you don’t trust people and you have debilitating low self esteem

[@colleendraper2399]

Lived with this for 28 years. Newly separated . Surprised with how quickly my energy and lové for life are returning.

[@Melly16yr10]

Good on you 😄

[@mickeyblue7]

36 years for me. Free at last and loving life to the full.

[@madamchairman2538]

Omg Congratulations 🎊 You give me hope🙏🏾🫶🏾

[@evren8024]

When narcissists can’t control you, they reject you And most the time they’re trying to control the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around them

[@80islandia]

Very astute comment. Thank you!

[@angelahagerman5693]

And as soon as you've got their number and figure it all out we become their target...

[@Lola-mt1ne]

This was exactly when it all ended. He knew he couldn't control me.

[@donnawoodford6641]

If I say ,"No" to a Narc, I know that he'll just go on to the next person who WILL go along with his demands until he tires of that source.🚩 It's their innate cycle of dysfunction.🚩 Wannabe kings and queens are ALWAYS scouting for underlings whom will serve their needs, dictates and whims.🚩Hopefully, the world will 1) wake up soon enough to expose narcs, and more people will 2) become aware of these seedy motives and behavior patterns, and 3) be keen to reject narcs' requests I'mmediately upon sensing it.🚩 In my opinion, the sane world needs to reverse the power dynamic, and send the narc forever into hiding.🚩 I tell myself: "Recognize the seemingly 'odd' (even minor) behaviors without justifying them.🚩Be aware of how it feels to me.🚩Don't allow your Self to buy into any pressure or illogic they're trying to sell.🚩Choose to walk away into a brighter future without being a servant to anyone."🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

[@davidslocum9536]

That is exactly right Emily. Strong boundaries will keep the narcs away! 👍

[@dayojoy]

When someone lives in lies, they need to control all variables in order to not be exposed.

[@JessWicked]

And parent divides and pits adult children against each other in order to protect the lies.

[@marciadawkins7731]

Yes, yes, yes!!!

[@keepingsane101]

@@JessWicked very true

[@Sarah.M98]

Exactly! The narcissists I'm dealing with make sure they control other people from talking to during their smear campaign and devaluing, they make sure everyone only make decisions based on what they say and don't want their flying mkeys to think for themselves.

[@AntoinetteChanel]

@@JessWicked or, if they only have one child, they weaponize the other parent against the child. All to protect the lie. True story lived it!

[@jacquelinehermosilla5515]

I can relate to that. I was marry to a controlling narcissist for 25 years. There’s no way you can make them happy, unless you let them have complete control of your life, otherwise they turn your enemy in a flick of their fingers.

[@Joe-to8og]

Control everything is right. What you wear, what you eat, where you go, what you buy, what tv shows you watch. Ever try taking the remote control away from a narc and change the channel? I pity you if you do.

[@dianaverano7878]

Narcissist are angry people by default. They are empty inside. They want to fight & argue with somebody within a day or that day is boring. Their life without argument & drama is boring. Anger is air they breathe. These crappy people are old but in reality, they are like 5 yr old people who throw tantrum anytime anywhere. They require people to receive their tantrum & anger anytime. They dont like you being offended by their flare ups & tantrums. Setting boudaries is the only answer.

[@sherriflemming3218]

Indeed

[@Notyourgirl253]

My mother’s primary abuse was about her house and her time. She threw away birthday presents if it was paint or play-doh, she threw away my homework if I left it out. I wasn’t allowed to eat unless she fixed it and I was at the table, even in high school. I remember wanting to live like I was invisible, not to leave any evidence of my existence in her house.

[@mamakitty5274]

My mother in law is like that. My husband said (future faking) we were helping them out for awhile while repairs were done. I know I was brought there as part of his trauma bond with his parents. Nothing extra can be left out or it gets thrown out. My kids' art, an unsigned Father's Day card that I left out for the kids to sign and the worst example is the Christmas tree. The old lady said she didn't see the need for one, besides the taking down of it is too laborious. However she managed to strip the tree while I was at the dentist with the kids. All ornaments were shoved in a wash tub. The tree was shoved through the front door, pine needles covering the entry way. 2020 is used all my porcelain and glass personalized ornaments and she felt fit to throw them in a plastic tub, all bent, glitter falling off, tree skirt wafted up on a bench in the front yard. I ended up drop kicking the gingerbread house out the front door at the injustice. I was unhinged and took all the stockings down and threw them across the living room.

[@rcomyns4664]

I'm so sorry Shauna. I survived an abusive childhood but was blessed with a kind mother who managed to feed our huge family, couldn't always protect us but she tried. Sending you love.

[@hilarysimpson3725]

My husband was enraged by the mess of lego even though it was my son’s favourite toy.

[@Notyourgirl253]

@@hilarysimpson3725 I keep my home clean, like it’s sanitary lol but, I definitely live in the mess of toys and happy kids❤️

[@if-not-now]

Abuse is fundamentally about power and control, and narcissists are fundamentally abusive

[@briannabourke1431]

Spot on!!!

[@kimsmith819]

100% true fact

[@nawrasbalkan6911]

Im free to think what I want..and to answer the answer that convince anx pleases me...these tsk statements were enough to start beating me coz I did not stick to the answers he had in his head

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Well said🤩

[@Morealiens]

Well said Zach! 🤗

[@jg4159]

They can disguise their need for control by putting up a mask of I am just trying to help.

[@debwefoxx9389]

Catch-22. No help at all or help like this, right?

[@Idontwantafuckinghandle588]

I know right.... " I'm just trying to make you a better person, don't you want to improve yourself" when they couldn't even think of the first thing they would need to do to improve themselves.

[@cassinpocket]

Uhhh...one of mine does, And talks to me like I am five years old instead of 50. What a trip. Ego trip!

[@Godis4me1978]

Yaaas

[@meenad5880]

WOW mine said this ALWAYS

[@oliviaoxley]

I just left a narcissistic relationship. We were together 5 years. He had me arranging the dishes in the dishwasher in a very specific order. He’d ditch me at weddings. He got a bmw and started smoking cigars. I’m still grieving the loss of who I thought he was… but he never existed. You described him perfectly. Ever since I left 2 weeks ago he’s been arranging his house meticulously. Thank you for your videos, they truly have helped so much ❤

[@muffinstuffin3303]

Reminds me of the time I offered my ex’s dad a piece of gum when opening my pack, and he went into a several minutes long literal screaming tirade about how I am so stupid and selfish to assume he’d ever put sugar and artificial colors in his body, and how everything is processed through the liver, etc. (as he lit-up a cigarette)

[@JESUSCHRISTISTHEKINGOFKINGS]

As his lungs turn black xD

[@dianezemliak5606]

Hearing this makes me laugh, but it seriously ISN'T funny at all. Abuse is wrong on any level.

[@cherylthompson2731]

😳😳😳😳

[@divinelyme4007]

As he lit up a cigarette took me out 🤣🤣 wtf

[@divinelyme4007]

I’m not laughing at you at all and I agree with the prior comment about abuse not being funny at all but the irony is ridiculous

[@freestang6662]

Whoever said "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" must've grown up with a narcissist mother.

[@mirnacudiczgela1963]

That was the case with my mother. But I limited contact.

[@janehe4900]

There’s also a proverb like that in Chinese ==

[@racebannon96]

That was my ex-wife’s favorite saying. And she found it printed on a small board at a craft show and bought it. It was hung up over the kitchen table. She finally walked out on me and our kids. She hated all of us. I got the divorce done in 5 months. She tried to come back but I said no. She declared war on all of us.

[@roceliacaraballo7770]

@@racebannon96 omg I’m so happy for you and your children!! I pray you are able to keep her far away from your mental safety and that of your children. 💜

[@alanaadams7440]

😂😂😂😂 good one

[@drlarrymitchell]

"Living the way you want isn't selfish- demanding that others do so too, is."

[@heavenstomurgatroyd7033]

Dr. Larry Mitchell ~brilliant!

[@narcabusevictimgermany9687]

Really????

[@drlarrymitchell]

@@heavenstomurgatroyd7033 Betsy, even!

[@xkb360x]

These KZbin videos set people free. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani.

[@Robidu1973]

The problem with these controllers is, no matter what you do, you cannot do it right. Whatever you have done right is outright ignored, and as soon as they find one tiny fly in the ointment, they are going to double down on that. But even though you may, by chance, get everything perfect, they immediately change the rules. I'm smelling a lot of gas with this...

[@genevrastewart]

It’s torture, terror, stressful. It’s demeaning and tears away at your self esteem..

[@stephanie3848]

One narc boss at a diner blew up at me because I had trouble cutting up an onion HIS way. Another threatened to fire me if I stayed home from a Saturday meeting because of a stomach flu. The entire group was coworkers was there and half of them had bottles of Gatorade. Def these incidents were red flags; wish I would have quit in the beginning. Never ignore a red flag, it will only get worse...The 1st boss screamed at me across the parking lot (about another controlling situation) and the 2nd lied about me because she didn't want to pay unemployment compensation.

[@juliepicard986]

traumatic,disgusting..

[@juliepicard986]

traumatic,disgusting..

[@jayhoff4921]

Even when these rigid individuals get everything according to their needs/desires/plans/demands, they are not satisfied. Nothing ever really satisfies them or makes them happy. They are chronically critical of everyone around them.

[@churrymurray]

It's true. They will hunt for things to scream about

[@FC-hj9ub]

I remember saying these exact words

[@raesunshine2643]

I suspect my partner is ocpd. I've read the book 'impossible to please' it's quite comforting as so relatable about this topic..

[@cardinalflower6959]

"Too much and never enough . . ."

[@kennethabbott4866]

You can NEVER get to much of what you really dont need!

[@timothygenaw2199]

"You're putting too much peanut butter on your bread. You're wasting money."

[@emmarae4322]

I got the "you use too much toilet paper."🙄

[@timothygenaw2199]

"If you put the tea on the table at just the right time, the handle wasn't oriented the right way."

[@Robidu1973]

I guess there must have been a fly in the ointment...

[@11071874]

I grew up with a narcissistic father. It was a living hell. Very abusive. I left home at 20 years old. He laughed at me while telling my mom that I’ll be back. My mom sat there crying her eyes out..just powerless. I’m 45 years old now and haven’t been back.

[@TheTerrylwg]

Your poor mom was crying, not only because you were moving-out, but because she was being left with your father.

[@deeno1111]

Is your mother still with him?

[@11071874]

Deanna Bailey yes...for almost 50 years. He keeps her away from everyone who doesn’t want anything to do with him.

[@LoveBeliefTruth]

Tried to escape the violent father at 15 (he threatened to kill me). When I didn’t get help and had to go back he only said ”next time shoot yourself” without looking at me. He was furious. He continued to talk like this to me for about a year, the only thing he’d repeatedly say was ”shoot yourself”. For over a year all together. I met later someone he’d worked with, a laweyr who said my father was very frightening man. An adult with a much better disposition in society was afraid of him - but no one seemed to be concearned about a little girl (me) who he was torturing. This is really weird I think! Are people somehow blindfolded by these monsters? Always found really strange that so many people found my father someone to sympathise with, someone lovable! Many were so concearned about how he’s doing! It’s crazy!

[@godzillamanstreb524]

MsJeesus I bet if you had a tell all with these people they’d think differently......a lot of people don’t want to get involved, especially men I think

[@juttalehmer1687]

in my experience control can also be exercised by refusing to have any structure, but expecting that other people are flexible at all times

[@N00DLES1989]

This is totally how my covert narcissist mother controlled. You had to constantly be on standby for god knows what. Time is a precious resource and they will control it in any way that they can.

[@kamilareeder1493]

Well put 👌

[@jackcarpenters3759]

@@N00DLES1989 yep this standby thing is something i have, but i never quite knew where i got it from. i suspected this was ingrained from a very young age by my covert narc mom.

[@cardinalflower6959]

Yes!!

[@isabelladorsett5531]

That is a great point Jutta. My father always made a point of being “spontaneous” and any plans that were set he would purposefully be late to. Growing up I thought it was just a goofy way to be, but I now realize he had to feel like everyone was on standby waiting for him as if he was the most important person at all times.

[@neynava1]

You describe very well what it was like to be raised by a controlling, rigid, dictatorial father with NPD. I wasn’t allowed to exist, let alone have a voice. I got in trouble for walking, laughing, or even swallowing if he didn’t want me to. The mantra he raised me with was, “children should be seen and not heard.”

[@RR-et6zp]

He probably just wanted to keep you off the streets lol. Most psychology is BS.

[@kheleecebrown1799]

So l can relate my mother too is so controlling to the point my father could not make any decisions on his own without her.

[@wisegentle7859]

I used to say....living with my mother is like a "mine field"...you never knew when or why she would explode into a violent physical and verbal attack. My Dad and I both lived a hell that the community/church never knew about.

[@sarahdoanpeace3623]

I’m so sorry

[@lululestat]

I’m so sorry I understand what you are saying, it’s like you can’t tell anyone about those things that went on in the house it feels shameful 🥺

[@CG-wl3cq]

When I was way too young to come up with really good analogies, I told people that my mom was "a broken vending machine mom" because I never knew what would come flying out of her. I remember being really little and seeing some cartoon where the vending machine was broken and things would just fly out of the slot and bowl down the cartoon characters and thinking "oh, that's my mom!" because I would ask for food or a blanket or a hug or some basic need, and she would either explode or be very sweet and supply the need. It took me well into adulthood to realize I only got her sweet responses when someone else was around watching. If we were alone, it was always rage.

[@nana.naghmana9]

I got sick of my Narc husband so I left him after 23 years. I was like an empty shell he sucked my whole life n passions. The day I left he called me n said now you'll see how I drag you in the courts n will not give you children custody. My daughter was 19 n son 15 . I told my kids I love you n will love you till my last breath but I will not fight custody. So I left kids with him to pay for their collage n university fee. That's how I won. I made him the coffee maker. My kids are still mine n they are having Good lives of their own n they care for me. The only way to live happy is to leave the narcissist. Get over your fear my friends. Today I'm happy n got my smile back. It's never too late.

[@deesmyth2803]

Good for you.

[@keralee]

Brilliant!

[@hannmatt1933]

Thanks God that you had overcome your narcissistic ex husband. You're brave! God Bless you.

[@venusrising6554]

Excellent ! You took control and responsibility for your own life. Congratulations !

[@BBB-rd2qi]

Mama’s Studio Banjara Arts - Well Done You! I did the same thing. My family made me feel like I was a bad mother for doing it, however I knew the truth. My children knew the truth.

[@drppr76]

How about narcissists who like to tell everyone else how to live their lives?

[@etphonehome4511]

My dad

[@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023]

That would be every. single. narcissists.

[@hayleyferguson5284]

My parents, my mil and sil.

[@Nina-vv3ev]

That’s what she’s talking about lol

[@drppr76]

@@Nina-vv3ev ok whatever

[@jeffshannon5410]

I had a best friend for over 20 years untill I realized I never had a friend! Heart breaking and the messed up part about all of it is they don't get it!

[@cosmicseekertarot]

Yes! My narcissistic mother would even freak out if I would hold my cups the "wrong" way or god forbid spilled something. It was like walking on eggshells my entire childhood.

[@NoName-nf6od]

A perfect example of this is the movie “sleeping with the enemy” with Julia Roberts where she had to make sure the towels and food cans were perfectly aligned or she would be in trouble

[@chriscunningham8807]

David Beckham demanded juice be lined a certain way in the fridge. Might be OCD but can make the other person change into a similar nutter to keep the peace.

[@NoName-nf6od]

Chris Cunningham yes, and extreme OCD is maddening as well, for both the sufferer and everybody else, I wouldn’t mind a overly organized person as long as abuse is not a common theme for honest mistakes.

[@raysofsunshinegirl2401]

A female exboss of mine once publicly freaked out and jelled and screamed in rage, at an assistant and at her husband on a business trip, only because the hotel didn't have the right kind of orange juice she wanted. Soon after that incident I quit my job and got another job. Some months later, I was informed that my female ex boss got fired for not being able to do her job. Can't say I am sad about that. I feel sorry for that poor assistant , yet not for her husband who married that b*.

[@NoName-nf6od]

@@raysofsunshinegirl2401 oh yeah that screams “ entitlement “ of the worst kind. (Pun intended) Definitely narcissistic behavior in my humble opinion.

[@Nina-vv3ev]

Yes!

[@husaammaawia3057]

"The nap schedule of an infant" was really appropriate because I've always thought narcissists were those kids who always threw tantrums when they didn't get what they want and never grew up.

[@AnyDelcourageelmoguy99]

They *ARE* children!

[@MalaMacka]

THIS is my mother. 100% When I was a child, a friend came over, looked through our house, and said “this isn’t a home, it’s a museum! And (looking at my room) this is where the janitor lives.” Granted, soon after, I was sent to a friend’s house and she took the opportunity to clean my room; she has no sense of “boundaries” when it refers to me, so my room had no privacy- hell, even if I locked the door, she’d pick the lock. She has boundaries for herself, she even respects (and has always respected) my brother’s boundaries and the way she treats me vs him is ASTONISHING. Her friends have NO IDEA she has a problem, so they are now her enablers as I’ve grown up, pissed off and resentful, and, in their eyes, ungrateful and spoiled and bitchy. I’m just trying to stay sane over here, because she Loooves to gaslight! Question: there is an issue with “grey rocking” with people like this, as you can imagine: they take it as permission to continue to treat you like an object. Any advice?

[@NanaWilson-px9ij]

If grey rocking doesn't work for you, there is always low contact and no contact. You can decide your boundaries.

[@Lena-mj3kr]

In my case control went to such extend that eating/dressing the way I want or even going to toilet/shower was a struggle. I was constantly controlled because mistook it first for affection. I had to keep explaining myself what I'm doing and why,then my partner tried to change me as he said he knows better, constantly criticizing me, hurting my sensitive spots, using for his own benefit Very quickly increased causing me pain( also physical). After I finally managed to get out of the relationship I felt like I left prison. I wish to anyone who needs to hear this - you have the strength to leave that toxic relationship. Don't let anyone hurt you or make you believe you're not good/strong enough.

[@blee9304]

Mine did similar things, wanted me to dress in certain ways. And always says it's for my own good. If I said no she would say I am rigid and not accepting opinions.

[@emmajane646]

@@blee9304 saying you are rigid is projection. Classic narc victim blaming.

[@withersgreg]

"They can turn a feather into a gun" -- LOL. Yep. From my experience, their specific schedule or expectations are kept hidden with no clear communication given on the matter. The result is that any behaviour that doesn't match up to their ideal is used as 'evidence' of their victimhood. Totally confusing and aggravating.

[@mediokritet]

So much yes.

[@deborahdtw]

Until you realize there is no feather.

[@angelahagerman5693]

If I threw anything thing old from the freezer away the ex would pull it out of the trash and say...I"M never buying chicken nuggets ever again...hahahah...same with the milk..even if it was only a drop...of course we knew he would...and he did..because he couldn't help being controlling over the food in our home...I had a pantry big enough to last a family a month without going to the store...it was great....his favorite thing to do was go grocery shopping....

[@Faith436]

Greg, this is well put!!! Thank you for putting it so succinctly!

[@Drskippy81]

OMG, YES! My final attempt at pleasing my narc (almost ex-wife) before I went "grey rock" (before I knew what grey rock was!) Please note, I also have high functioning autism, recently diagnosed: Ex: you break my emotional boundaries. Me: I'm really sorry about that. I would like to do better. Can you give me 5 specific things to work on. I am going to write them down and post them on my side of the bed so every morning I can remember not to do that. Ex: you do not listen to me. Me: ok. So, after you speak, I am going to affirm what you say, so you know i heard you. (Begin writing) Ex: are you even listening???? Me: how would you like me to word it? Ex: slams door, runs to bathroom and cries for multiple hours. When done, comes back. Why didn't you come for me? Me: I was respecting your boundaries. You asked me yesterday not to bother you when you are in the bathroom. Ex: can't you read between the lines? Me: no, I have autism. He is a paper. Please write down 5 boundaries you would like me to get better at. When you are done, please put it on my bed table. 3 months later, she was taken to the psychiatric hospital by the police. The next morning, I looked at her bed table. The blank paper and pen were still there.

[@KSouthworth]

‘They can turn a feather into a gun.’ That is absolutely how I feel about the narcissist in my life. Amazing way to put it.

[@narcabusevictimgermany9687]

Which can be a great thing if your happy....the saying I mean!

[@moodymaranda]

This is so validating, thank you for making these videos! My narc ex had to everything "just so" and was so judgemental and rigid. I had to police what I said or talked about around them. Something as simple as talking about a fictional character they didn't like could turn them into a monstrous pain. She especially had a problem with the food that I liked that had high fructose corn syrup or just corn syrup (which, let's face it, is 98% of all foods) when we met in person, going out to dinner was a nightmare. She made me feel so bad about putting BBQ sauce on my sandwich that I just threw it away and fumed.

[@best81095]

Definitely with the "never enough " for them. My ex was obsessive with telling me not to leave the vacuum cleaner full, not to leave the water filter empty, and dishes in the sink. Also we can't do dishes at night, only during the day. He needs to know every plan and every trip in advance otherwise we will have a problem. Now I understand that it's OCD personality and different than OCD disorder

[@NeptuneSuite]

This just reminded me of the one time my Narcissist boyfriend said, in these exact words, "I love you, but I would happier if you just stopped fghting back and just do whatever I tell you to do." All because I refused to accept his unreasonable demands and one-sided expectations. He literally consumed my life. Even my best friend told me that from her perspective it was like I was on some rigid schedule where I had go report in at specified times day and day out (and she wasn't wrong). My life was no longer my life. It was all about him and what he wanted. And heaven forbid I break away to focus on my other relationships or try to live my life outside of him for like 5 seconds Then he'd be all "I feel like you love them more than me" or "You treat them better than you treat me" or some nonsense. Dealing with him was the single most taxing and mentally draining experience of my life... talk about the WORST first relationship.

[@cindys9491]

Yikes!

[@georgejgilles.3999]

Sounds like my dysfunctional marriage

[@elilada]

Just do what you can not to make your second or third essentially the same, like too many of us did! Beware: you’ll think the new guy is “so different” because some outward stuff about him - his politics, his introversion/extroversion, his taste in music, his energy level, whatever - seems to be the opposite of the first toxic guy....and then some months into the relationship you dig a little deeper (or he stops trying to charm you) and you see some of the same deep need to control, to shame, to invalidate you. Learn about the red flags of narcissism, and heed them!!

[@AnniePaya]

I’m so sorry that was your first :/ I broke up with a guy just like this a couple of years ago and still feel exhausted. He had me so confused and exhausted trying to make me prove my love that I didn’t have time to actually realize I never loved him. He went after my insecurities and I got into a cycle of trying to prove that I was a better person than what he was making me out to be. I finally couldn’t take the guilt trips anymore and left/went no contact. It had a huge effect on my health and I’m still exhausted from it two years later, but working hard to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I hope you too can find your way through and past this and thank god you’re doing your research because believe it or not, it’s super easy to get into another relationship with a narcissist (even after educating yourself).

[@0505nancy1]

You describe my marriage for 20 years, ought full

[@Coparentingwithanarcissist101]

How ironic that the people who have the least control of themselves want to control everybody and everything else around 😏

[@CG-no7js]

So very true!

[@onyllindoro1361]

Physics 😅

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

They have an absolute obsession with controlling others & everything around them . Love this video !

[@cindys7514]

It's highly distressing to watch my friend endure the control every aspect of her life by her narc husband from what she eats to what time she sleeps. Breaks my heart. All of us feel so helpless and sad at every gathering.

[@jb...208]

They can turn a feather into a gun...wow she really gets it. Love how well Dr. Ramini breaks it down every time.

[@dakoderii4221]

Sounds like my ex doctor at the VA. Anything you say can and WILL be used against you. Being a veteran we use a lot of "militarized" analogies and metaphors but the crazy doctors take it as literal even when it's extremely obvious it is not literal. "Smash that like button" equals "you must be smashing people's heads in". Disagreement with the doctor is seen as "violence" and now the doctor can call the police and lie to them about you "for your safety". The American people ALWAYS side with doctors rather they are corrupt or not. Having a degree doesn't mean you have a heart and not having a medical degree doesn't mean you don't have a heart. Why is this simple thing so hard for many to understand?

[@wildlightarts]

Dakoder II 😭 I’m so sorry - that’s awful that the VA has narcissistic “professionals” ugh. That’s truly heartbreaking, not surprising as they like to play the hero in their ego mind, but devastating for the veterans depending on them. I’m sorry you have that experience after serving your country.

[@joyciejd9673]

I loved that too

[@josephuk2609]

This video made me remember an event I’d long forgotten. My mother went away for a week. As a favour I decided to empty out the kitchen cupboards, clean them thoroughly and put everything back neatly, discarding any food that was long expired. She got home and went absolutely batshit crazy. Full on rage. After screaming at me for about an hour she then angrily went through the bins taking out everything that was expired and returning it to the cupboards. It was fascinating yet scary at the time. Narcs have a unique ability to turn a favour into a perceived act of aggression. Needless to say I never touched anything ever again. Went no contact earlier this year. So much happier without that toxic shit in my life.

[@elilada]

Oh I hear you! Reminds me of the fit my narc boyfriend had when I threw out an opened jar of jam that was 17 years old (along with a tin of cookies equally ancient) soon after I moved in. Oh my god - you’d think I threw out bars of gold bullion! Glad you’re putting some distance between you two - the world is insane enough as it is these days without adding anybody else’s insanity to it.

[@Chahlie]

Yup. I tried to clean mom's disgusting fridge. 8 year old stuff, she examined every single thing. It was a battle but honestly I thought there was a dead cat in there.

[@treemarie3080]

I'd do the same - when my workaholic narc mom was on business trips, I'd do a thorough cleaning of the already spotless house... But it was never good enough. The coffee machine was crooked or i didn't use the right rag to clean the kitchen counter... Because every room has it's own separate cleaning rag... When the bathroom mirror fogged up, it didn't defog "correctly"... And it frustrated her and "ruined her entire day now because she couldn't apply her make-up properly and she has important meetings to attend". 🙄😒 I also recall being grounded for not vacuuming the carpet in a certain pattern when I was 10 years old. I went no contact from my entire family at the beginning of the year. Best decision I've ever made.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Treemarie bless you......stay away and create a life of good and happiness for yourself ♥️❌⭕️binge watch Lisa A Romano 🙂

[@beatrizsouza6193]

You just described my narcissist. We've gone through the exact same thing, and I'd even told her before I started. I also quit touching anything after that. So now she says she has to do it all by herself, and that the expired stuff piles up if she's not the one to discard them. 🤷🏻

[@barbarawarren9443]

I survived living with a rigid, controlling narcissist for more than a year, and I swear he also exhibited the primary criteria associated with DID. At the end, Mr. Perfection became infuriated he couldn't cybertrack me one day, and he attacked me. It backfired on him. His behavior resulted in his biggest fear - exposure and legal issues. Thanks for doing these videos. This type is so slick, well-mannered and successful that they fool everyone around them, while their inner life is sad and emotionally impoverished. They are extremely unhappy, secretive, controlling, demanding - and no amount of unconditional love, stability or consistency on your part can help them.

[@ruthporath4700]

I just wanted to tell you how much your videos have helped me. I lived with a narcissist my whole life. I went from my mother to my husband of 47 years and I never ever felt like I could do anything right & I never felt like I was enough or good enough etc Since watching your videos I am so much stronger & relaxed & actually happy inside & out. Im calm even my blood pressure has come down. It helps hes gone but your videos have shown me I am ok & I am enough & not everything was my fault. I feel free and that's bcuz of you & your videos. Thank you so very much for all you do.

[@teresa5007]

❤️🖖

[@aski6685]

"Sleeping with the enemy" with Julia Roberts

[@miriamhernandez3407]

Exactly this movie is classified as domestic violence, once I learned about Narcs I knew what it was about.

[@AlexFurlong]

Yes, I thought of that movie too! Remember how the husband kept stacking the tinned soup so high up? Creepy!!!

[@tammystwilson1763]

Yeah. Remember the label on the cans had to be turned a certain way. All facing the same way. That dude was too much.

[@youknowmyfirstlastname3206]

Cut the relationship, thsnk me later

[@NarcSurvivor]

They need to control everything because they are insecure. Insecure people need to create a false sense of security. But really, they should be trying to control their emotions and behaviour.

[@luketaylor4456]

Holy!! I didn’t really realize this until I moved into an apartment with them and unless my schedule met theirs, it was an issue. I’m still living on that schedule to this day!! If I even step 30 minutes out of the “boundaries” that have been set, all hell breaks loose with no discussion or real reasoning!! Thank you for opening up my eyes to this!! Many thanks Dr. Ramani!!!!

[@JESUSCHRISTISTHEKINGOFKINGS]

I wake up hours ahead of them to just gain some peace of mind.

[@j.s.1816]

"Children become one more accessory..." That's a painful realization that one was part of a show. Recently I have become conscious of slipping into performance mode. I suppose it could be a type of fawning. Performance calls for attention and external approval, which can lead to people-pleasing. It's so subtle and it's disheartening to recognize, but I am happy that I have finally become aware of that drive. Now I can begin to work through how it manifests. I probably don't always catch it, but that's o.k.! It's so ingrained that it's not a conscious choice. I can offer myself compassion and see my growing awareness as a source of hope. I literally pat myself on the back as part of the celebration sometimes. I have become a much better friend to myself this past year. The work has been worth it. I have learned a great deal from your presentations, Dr. Ramani. Thank you for doing the research and taking time to share your insights with us.

[@a.i.9588]

When I first saw the movie Mommy Dearest closet scene, I had to get up quickly and leave to the bathroom to cry before my mother noticed. I was experiencing a similar thing. When my mother was angry, she would come into my room and trash it. Her reasoning was that books weren't supposed to be stored in drawers and my closet wasn't coordinated to her liking. If I came home from school, and my mother wouldn't even acknowledge my hellos.. My stomach would sink because I knew if I go into my room, it would be trashed. On top of trashing my room, she would yell at me, throw things at me, and would tell my dad to hit me with a belt because I was supposedly untidy. My mother controlled every aspect of my life even to the point of not letting me speak to my relatives unless I was in front of her. She never gave me my aunts or uncles phone numbers because she was always trying to control the narrative or afraid I might say something that make her look bad. Till this day, I am not close to any of my extended family due to my mother controlling everything... I can relate to this SO much.

[@pyarkaaloo]

I am so sorry u went thru all of this...I am used to having my room upended, ransacked and invaded....any type of order I try to establish she has to control or destroy....I recently had a bunch of stuff thrown out bc she decided she didn’t want it in “her house” even though I live there...it went straight to garbage. It’s like the wicked stepmother in Cinderella...it’s an absolute sickness, not to mention maddening and unsettling....I seriously think ppl who do this to anyone should be fined...if they had to pay or report to authorities then & only then may they listen

[@emilyadams9986]

Just curious, did you see Mommie Dearest on video in a private home, or at the theatre where people would have seen you leaving for the bathroom in tears? I found that movie so emotionally overwhelming, I had to watch it (on video) a little at a time over the course of a weekend or so.

[@a.i.9588]

@ Emily Adams I was actually home when they were airing it on cable TV years ago ☹️...

[@princetonshot]

WOW she is absolutely horrible. People like her should be banned from having kids

[@pyarkaaloo]

Love A Parrot thank you 🧡💕

[@Glorydancer333]

These obsessive traits seem to get even worse as they age. Spur of the moment activites become less and less as the rituals take precedent. They become very set in their ways and take great comfort and satisfaction with the sameness of it all, making each day a copy of the day before and calling it living.

[@jrg305]

Perhaps from your perspective, which is tinged with some anger toward the individual. From their perspective, they are protecting themselves. Everyone has defense mechanisms. I think this channel has a tendency to label too much and not understand why people do what they do. There are always two sides of the story.

[@brelewis9849]

Very interesting 😏

[@calebncontreras-117]

Not anyone else's problem. If you want to protect yourself from the world go be alone. If you expect to interact with other people fix your own shit.

[@hissyfitz7890]

Huge difference between OCD & OCPD! Removed myself from an acquaintance who had the latter & thought she was the ‘superhero of justice’ when she caused a 💩 storm because her Dr’s office suddenly closed during the pandemic 😷 - staff tested positive & they put an apology for the inconvenience note on the front door. It was in the early stages of Covid -19 when the infection rates/deaths were skyrocketing & FEAR ruled. Then remembered her husband referred to her as a ‘Pit Bull’. 🙄

[@angelahobbs1280]

They like to take control (and destroy) everything of yours but can go so far as to scream that you have destroyed something of their's even when you've just witnessed them doing it.

[@TerrelleCheers1]

Sounds like self destruction

[@homefryniles3983]

Usually, not always, dictator fathers who terrorize their families. "Is he home....?" "Oh, God, I dropped his paperweight!" Long car trips in silence Beatings if you took the wrong direction going someplace Bully-compliance at the workplace (don't tell HR what he said!)

[@KSouthworth]

Living with my dad - do not leave a crumb anywhere, every surface perfectly clean, the floors spotless, and yet somehow there was ALWAYS something for him to yell or condescend about. Everybody tensed up when he entered the house. He’d yell at my friends for not knowing his insane rules. My stomach knots thinking about it.

[@zahra71908]

...the long silent cartrips. I remember those.

[@KSouthworth]

Rheena Groan Right! The ominous sound of the garage door opening...

[@hope46sf]

Homfry Niles, my heart truly goes out to you!! May you find peace.

[@homefryniles3983]

@@hope46sf thank you. Gratefully, I have not suffered physical abuse, the examples above are certainly ones other people have shared with me. And I have weathered many an emotional storm with these characters, be it in a store, a manager, an employment situation, family.

[@TheTerrylwg]

Dr. Ramani, You are 100% spot-on. When I was dating my husband, I saw these things you are talking about, but I thought he was just self-disciplined, which I really respected, and he was the sweetest guy you'd ever meet. The very week we got married, I realized what a monster this is! I left the bag of raw spinach on the kitchen counter while we ate dinner, with the intent to clean-up when we finished eating, and I was berated and yelled at about it for twenty minutes until I finally had to run into a closet and bawl. He never apologized because, of course, he did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, it took 31 years for a KZbin video on Narcissism to randomly appear on my screen to make some kind of sense out of the nightmare. It's extremely difficult, but I'm surviving.

[@georgejgilles.3999]

I know what you mean and applaud you for writing down your experiences. I to share a similar experience.

[@frogasek1]

Oh yes. It's a living hell. It's never enough. I had to clean up all children's toys, books as house will look as we don't have children. They were not aloud to play when he were home.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Get out!

[@jackiebennett1512]

In my experience- I've noticed how crazy it makes my Nar Sissy to see that I'm attempting to maintain any semblance of order & organization to simply help me focus on anything other than the chaos & confusion that plagues my brain. I ask nothing of him in that regard, and I do not complain about cleaning up after him. None the less it's as plain as day that he's a slob intentionally (that much more) until he breaks me. The second I give up & just go around this annoying hurdle - he becomes this ultra efficient, domesticated "Betty Homemaker" & acts like he has to do "everything" because I'm so damn lazy. It's an eyerollar. It used to drive me crazy but these days it can be a bit comedic because I know exactly what he's doing. I'll kick back, do my own thing or if possible- just leave. It can definitely get volatile in a hurry if he catches on too quickly that I can't be bothered so I walk the tight rope when it happens. Although normally he's so busy making more Boobie Traps it doesn't take very long for him to forget that particular punishment & become fixated on the next. Yes, I'm exhausted x's 100.

[@sararichardson737]

O my dear heart.

[@kimeuston1891]

Yep, got it! I am going through a divorce with a narcissist. And as long and horrendous and stressful as this divorce has been, there has not been one moment where it hasn't been better than living with him. You describe perfectly one of numerous areas of control. When we were dating: I HAD to be quiet while he worked at home on his Very Important Business. I remember once he aggressively lashed out at me for placing the dustpan on the far edge of the kitchen counter, where the mail went. His meals always had to be an EXACT temperature (whether at home or in a restaurant). I finally after 14 years am looking back on all these red flags (and many many more). We got married and had kids. Before I finally got him move out last year (after making major concessions on the temporary custody stipulation to get him out the door), he HAD to have total quiet and no interruptions while eating his dinner (I holed up in my bedroom). He HAD to do 2,000 jumps exactly on the trampoline. Once I said, 'y'know, I watch the kids all day. I would LOVE to get some exercise and take a walk once in awhile'. Nope. I didn't get to exercise; he got his 2,000 jumps every morning.

[@ursalaoutrageous9249]

You have just described one of my uncles perfectly. As a child I was terrified of him. His household was run so rigidly that it was impossible to move without violating a rule. He was literally a rocket scientist and I believe this made him feel so intellectually superior to everyone, especially anyone outside of his immediate family, that he felt qualified to correct the behavior of everyone around him - with a heavy dose of outrage and contempt. As an adult I was helping to take the dirty dishes into the kitchen after a big family Thanksgiving dinner. My uncle stopped me, took the plates out of my hands and reprimanded me sharply, saying, “Look at what you’re doing! You’re stacking the dirty plates on each other and getting the backs of the plates dirty. Here!” He barked, snatching the dishes out of my hands, “Go sit down, Anne and I will do this!” Ha! 35 years old and I still couldn’t bring dirty dishes into the kitchen correctly! So I obediently went and sat down in the living room. Poor me! 🤣

[@lisar.7291]

My narcissistic ex had more "shoulds" than anyone I've ever met-- how a bed "should" be made, how the newspaper should be folded after you were done reading it, etc, etc. He used to say, "Dinner should be on the table at 6:00, not to be confused with 6:01." He'd laugh, like he was being funny, but he wasn't actually kidding.

[@noku_nz]

My husband is the same😫

[@LorettaGalvanni]

My ex even checked how much dish wash soup I would use.

[@thegreenwoodelf8014]

Omg

[@mirnacudiczgela1963]

My mother is like that. She tried to impose it even when she visited me and my husband when I gave birth. Not to mention the on-going psychological abuse. But I limited contact now.

[@lauralycans9537]

A lot of truth in jest, eh? Yeah once mine waited until dinner was ready on the table. Then left early to go to a meeting Bc i was 5 minutes late serving 🤤

[@gethealthywithlorna3376]

I'll never forget the time my dad through his plate of dinner in my face because he didn't like how I handed it to him. Humiliating and so very shaming. We, my siblings and I, would never know what kind of mood he was coming home in. He could be happy or throw a rage full fit about a piece of lint on the rug. My childhood was such a mine field.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Hope you’ve healed & are happy

[@gethealthywithlorna3376]

@@godzillamanstreb524 Thank you for the comment. I have healed. I have been on a Spiritual healing journey for 25+ years. My dad passed 3 years ago and he went out of this life kicking and screaming. I fortunately am at peace around it, however the affects that relationship has had on me are ever lasting. I have grown to learn and grow from the experience. I am in a good place.

[@gethealthywithlorna3376]

@@jejegee Hmmmm, a deeply wounded soul for sure.

[@engleharddinglefester4285]

Was he alcoholic? That kind of raging sudden mood swing sounds alcoholic. Assholish, too lol. Edit: was

[@hissyfitz7890]

At a Sunday dinner, my younger brother put butter on his mashed potatoes (from a 1 pound block vs a stick of butter). N mom stood up & grabbed the plate shoving the butter into his face, saying ‘you want to eat butter, here eat it’. I lol’d so she did it to me as well. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ We were pre-teens. 🙄

[@mollycote1021]

OMG this episode hits the nail on the head in my relationship. I’m in the process of getting out. Can’t happen fast enough!!!

[@wishingonthemoon1]

I skipped so much class and homework because I was SO exhausted trying to make my ex happy. Everything I did was wrong, nothing was ever good enough for him. Was sexually abused-“no” wasn’t an option. I became either harmed or physically restrained and forced. At the beginning, he was a robot in bed, and no matter how loving I tried to be I’d get empty eyes staring back at me-and then he blamed for for bad sex. Then he changed one day, and became a super lover-like it was more about validating his abilities rather than doing something together. To the point of “giving to me” even when I didn’t want it. Sometimes I’d cry and he’d just stare at me.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

The way to fix a narcissist is to fix yourself. - I stopped attracting narcs once I straightened up my own act. People who get entangled with narcs are usually persons without clarity , & without boundaries. A well balanced person wouldn’t waste a second thought on a narc, because they’re too occupied with their own daily life. If a person feels compelled to continue with a narc, it signifies a lack of personal value & self respect. If you do not respect yourself, you will be attracted to more people who dis respect you.. - The solution is within . Treat yourself with kindness & compassion, patience & respect. Appreciate all that you are. Be patient with yourself. Have fun being yourself. Let go of seeking others to feel validated. Validate yourself. Keep this up every day ! Be your own defense squad by being your own cheerleading squad. ✨😎🤸🏻‍♀️🎊 Stop trying to win the approval from others .. Approve your self ✅😉💋

[@lovelyroses2314]

Miss Merry Berry I thank you for your advice. I would say your comment is the best. 😊

[@juanitajordan985]

Hmm man this is true but in my case I was being firm abt things and not accepting crap and because of that I would be 'punished' but in a sneaky behind my back way. When things got in your face state I ran and didn't look back. Got narc in the family too but can't stop fighting .

[@JessicaMarie7489]

Well, I come from a narcisstic household and once I realized that my parent was, I was able to learn and I'm still learning healthy boundaries.

[@sunshinedayz7032]

Love this! Took me until a few years ago to learn this! Feels great now! My happiness and joy can't be taken away now. So freeing and wonderful!

[@user-vn9sh6hv8r]

@Canal De KZbin 100 million percent this. Thank you for saying that - i was about to say the exact same thing! For people who haven't been raised and conditioned into accepting narcissistic abuse as the norm it is a huge process of awakening to the possibilities of something different *and* finding ways to de-condition your mind and change those neural pathways and triggers *and* to be able to do so SAFELY. It CAN be done, but it is certainly MUCH easier said than done. It's like that analogy of the fish that doesn't know what water is - people raised by narcissists don't know what they don't know. That's what makes Dr Ramani's videos so incredibly helpful for so many of us. It switches on so many lightbulbs in all of our minds that have been in the dark for so long...!

[@josiek5989]

"Random messiness of childhood" wasn't allowed at our home growing up. Never heard of a "kid-centred space" until you said it. Kind of hit home for me. After I married, we certainly had lots of kid centred messiness for our children at our house, to which my mother would turn up her nose, and say that our home looked "very lived in." Not a compliment at all.

[@pyarkaaloo]

Same here....how wonderful u were able to break free from her n start your own life...it is a testament to you that you broke the cycle

[@summersunshine5327]

@Jessica c Yes. My siblings and I were not even allowed to decorate our own rooms or change anything around on our own. If we finally got permission to change around our rooms after years of asking, my parents would just take over and change it to their liking. And forget about having our bedroom doors closed. That was not allowed. Our rooms had to look picture perfect at all times, whether we had company over or, more often, not.

[@danielkaiser8971]

That's odd since a home that looks "lived in" can be a compliment when the context refers to being oneself and feeling comfortable in one's own home.

[@AH-km2mg]

I'd rather have my home look lived in than looking like a fake presentation. A home with kids naturally looks lived in, children are the artists of mess 💙

[@hayleyferguson5284]

My parents home was literally in Home Beautiful Magazine. We weren’t allowed to decorate our rooms either. When my house got too messy for my parents liking they got child unsafety involved. My mum tried to steal my firstborn.

[@LearningLeadersGrowLiveGive]

Worked for a "Miranda" type who was a ritualistic workaholic. I actually looked up to her because she had a reputation like Miranda as a boss who gets it done. These folks are often very successful and get a pass from society because of the power and money that come with their rigidity and control issues. Didn't realize the driver for results and getting it done is deep, deep insecurity and the fear of abandonment. Like Andy I got away, but I'm learning these people are EVERYWHERE!!!

[@ellanola6284]

Yes, sadly. These arshole are everywhere.

[@ericburks2247]

Word for word my life , I have watched over 50 videos I feel like Dr. Ramani has lived in my house .

[@libs5382]

They think that they are perfect but make so many mistakes, then when you point them out they go into rage. They are stupid and complicated Thank you Dr Ramani 💓

[@vaiawire4392]

That's my mother. She even used the mental health system to reframe the psychological trauma she was inflicting on me as a mood disorder and had me heavily medicated at 8 years old as means of control. Being trapped alone with that for decades was unbelievably painful. It felt like my soul being scraped, cut, and molded with knives.

[@TMaria-vm2or]

Oh God, this is so cruel. I hope you are healing and recover from this abuse. I feel very sorry that this was done to you. Best wishes ❤️

[@cassiebennet4262]

I had a similar situation with my father. I was the scapegoat and would recieve the brunt of his abuse. He got me into counseling because I was clearly "troubled" and always "angry." Years later he got counselors who told him he was codependent. I was astounded by the irony that they were coddling a malignant narcissist. He would only see women counselors and would fall in love with each of them. One even let him go as a patient because she became aware that he wanted a girlfriend and not a counselor. Then he finally hit the jackpot and found a counselor as warped as he was. This woman was violating all kinds of ethics in her profession. She was giving him, and probably many others, intimate knowledge of her personal life. He really believed that they were a couple. She would diagnose me (never having met me) based on his skewed hateful view of me. He told me one day that they decided that I was borderline. smh. 🤦‍♀️ It gets worse. She convinced him to move to her small town and sign on with her private practice. It was crazy. He was obsessed with her. My sister was in college studying psychology at the time and desperately tried to warn him that what this woman was doing was violating ethics severally. He would not listen. Not long after that this trash counselor was convicted for fraud. She was billing insurance for appointments with patients that never happened. She went to prison I believe for 5 years. He still thinks that they are in love I'm sure.

[@tarasapone7150]

He makes me cater to him all of the time! He makes fun of me & puts me down constantly!

[@kennybranshaw7526]

Doctor Ramani is like a teacher. I'm married to a Narcissist, Doctor. It's like a Rollercoaster for me. I'm an artist and musician. It is Spirit breaking.

[@lilencarvajal7242]

My mother had many obsessions about order and cleanliness and was also miserable while I was growing up. She made me take showers looking towards the shower curtain to avoid wetting the bathroom wall since "mould could proliferate". No object in the house could wear out or break down, everything had to last an eternity, otherwise, she really got mad, terrifying. Often I had to polish the decorations in the living room to make them look shiny, being extremely neat and careful with everything. It's true that it really felt like walking on eggshells. When other people came to visit us, the house should always look like a show house and there was crockery that could be used only for special occasions and guests.

[@chriscunningham8807]

This was normal in the old days. Women were house proud and often judged by how they kept the home.

[@mirnacudiczgela1963]

My mother raged at me once when during my period a single drop of blood remained on the toilet.

[@brelewis9849]

I thought this was normal.

[@ladybug7781]

OMG!! I worked with a guy like this. Everyone under his team looked traumatized.

[@_wingedknight_]

Obviously. Who wouldn't be? I feel like I've met so many adult bullies who are just so disgusting, abusing their power and throwing temper tantrums. They deserve a dose of their own medicine

[@sherrieadams5773]

My friend who comes to my house bcuz her house isn’t safe to stay in during extreme weather. She will come over and keep my kitchen very clean, she changes my stuff around & it’s to the point that when she does change stuff around, I just don’t say anything about it anymore bcuz she gets upset & takes it as a slight against her. Everything has to be just right & she will make everything the same & gets upset when things are out of order. She will say she needs to take a shower but it takes her 3 days to get it done bcuz she gets so caught up in doing things that she says she just didn’t have time. I’m sorry, I could have taken a shower 3 times & for everything done that she did. It’s very disheartening. She will let herself get to the point where she smells very bad & she mentions that she probably smells bad & when I get tired of asking her to please take a shower, she yells & screams at me & tells me I’m no better than my narcissistic ex husband. She is gaslighting & guilting me. I feel bad for her but I stay stressed out.

[@TheTerrylwg]

She's NOT your friend.

[@fku5h82ol591k]

This made my jaw drop like nothing else I've ever watched here. I've thought of my stepmom as OCD...but man...after hearing this...you literally described her. Even last Christmas she flipped because I brought this brown butter cookie dough that I made for them to try; feather into a gun or whatever you said. Lifetime of things like this, starting in junior high. I got in trouble for eating yogurt once because she measured it and had a certain amount for the week. I didn't know. I was 14, lol, like...where am I gonna get my own yogurt? Anyway. I think the hard part is the sense that others are always wrong and their reasoning is justified by some higher intelligence and logic. No regard for how their rigidity is exhausting and dismissive of others. I always thought of her attitude and behaviour as compulsive and militant but the added flare of the entitlement and arrogance and lack of empathy is really ringing true to me. Thanks for validating how horrible of an experience it is to be raised in that environment. Explains so much of why I made the choices I did and why I'm where I'm at now. We all gotta own our bullshit, otherwise we just make it other people's problem and pain.

[@saraadams9518]

My mother, the narc, functions just as you described! I always referenced her behavior and rigidity as a messed up strain of OCD. To me, all the rules, the rigidity, the cleanliness, the lack of ability to be a "creative child"; taking out the markers meant making a mess to her. Any hiccup in her day, and she becomes engulfed in anger, irritability, rigidity, engrossed in road rage. As soon as she would get home from work in the evenings, when my brother and I were young. She'd immediately opened the door and started SCREAMING my name; me, with ADHD forgetting a coat on the stairs. She'd become angry in a disproportional way to what is likely normal teenage behavior. Never possessed the ability to roll with the punches.

[@pyarkaaloo]

Wow, this sounds very familiar! The behavior of these ppl ruins lives...I think I have ADD/ADHD & if I don’t conform to my mother’s rules as perfectly as she does (however thoughtful and well-intentioned I am) she exaggerates & throws a histrionic fit

[@reallyty832]

Sounds the same with me and my narc mother, i knew something was wrong but It never made sense.I’ve been good at going gray rock since 5 years old, But sometimes i cant take it and we argue. This week I called her stupid and told her how dumb she sounds, and explained too her lol yea thats how I get, my mother is so disrespectful being that she’s already a NARCISSIST. Then she goes crazy i see it in her eyes and then she told me “ill break your face” 😮. I was just like “it sounds good lol” and that was it. Im 17 and planning to get outta here before i turn 18.

[@jannaespinoza8482]

Sounds exactly like mom. I thought I was crazy or alone but knowing that she's sick actually makes me feel better.

[@MNJGaGa]

Perfect timing.. Just had an argument with my Narc father who's super controlling and financially dominating. As controlling as I wasn't allowed to have my own room despite the fact we have 5 bedrooms, 2 halls and 1 kitchen bungalow. Never allows us to run AC, forces us to sit under one Fan, tells my mother that she spent her entire income on spending money unnecessarily and has no savings but its him who's forced her to spend her income bcz if she didn't, he wouldn't be the man in the family to feed the family while he goes on binge drinking. He makes her spend so that he can save. During this Pandemic he sits back home fearing getting sick and makes us go out for everything. Im sick of this Man and esp the fact that I've to call him my Father but its my mum who has been my mother, father, sibling and best friend to me.

[@debwefoxx9389]

You can call him anything you want in your mind and I recommend having fun with that! True fatherness seems nowhere to be found with this man. I get that- keep freeing yourself!

[@MNJGaGa]

@@debwefoxx9389 I just call him Insecure and coward in my mind and which is what he is. However, When he gets on my mothers nerves by constantly bombarding her with financial stuff, I do enjoy shutting him up, which is definitely not healthy to engage In but I wish my mum would understand the whole Narc thing and be at peace, most times Ive to stand up for her. We took it too much, saw my mum being angry all the time and he filled us all with shame but now once he didn't show any sympathy, concern and care for my health issues and my career choice, It was over for me. Now he lives in fear of me when sober but shows me his teeth, claws every time he is drunk. Apparently Alcohol gives him some strength to stand up for his BS to go against me.

[@MNJGaGa]

@Canal De KZbin Work wise Im at peace. I did work as a chef before I lost my job during this Pandemic. As soon as I get two more years on my resume, Im moving out. My choice of career will land me in better place someday for sure. I do appreciate your concern and advice for me. :)

[@MNJGaGa]

@Canal De KZbin I actually meant NOT healthy. My mum has altogether different ideas in her mind and I sometimes have to guide her to how to deal with stuff. She has basically submitted to him bcz she too wants something outta him and no matter how much I make her understand, she won't let go off that want and i gave up on her for that. If i dont get in the way he would eat her up. He always runs his mouth if she gets up, he has a prob, if she sits down he has prob. she says something, he will make the whole another meaning outta it and cuss her. He knows I've figured him out and now stays in line while im around. Im shameful to admit this but Im patiently waiting for my dad to die and only then dysfunctional in this family can be improved bcz there are 6 members affected by him and only me being aware of him being a narc, rest are away from him but lost with no self-esteem, confidence in their own life even with the successful careers. They are just lost.

[@MNJGaGa]

@Zhenzhen Xiang Thank you. Its used to be that bad at one point but when I got really sick with depression and anxiety, I forced myself to take from career, while being home I figured him out and that was the very moment I decided to not let him run over us again and again. I do have my own room, I dont sit where he sits. Im rebelling and he knows I wont submit to his BS and he now just let me be however, im still the bad guy in family is what he has been feeding other members who do not live with us now. My mum has been scapegoated by him and she is so strong and can keep it together but her needs n wants still matters a lot bcoz those are the things that may benefit me later so she wont let it go. I just help her calm down and make her see things the way I do. Its not my job but i've to get in between to slap both of them some sense. Im sorry that you dealt the similar thing as I did and i hope you've found the light. :)

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

They have an absolute obsession with controlling others & everything around them . Love this video ! The coffee maker example is priceless example of how they see things in their world. I happen to know someone that fits this entire video to a tee. Like Wow !

[@mytakeonlove9594]

Yep, if you’re living with someone who wants to try to make you live your life in accordance to their expectations… run

[@rl453]

Or even having close contact and not living with them. The unbelievable peace I feel now that I am no longer a coffee pot I can’t even put into words. This life is far too short.

[@chabrew]

They control in an attempt to not be hurt emotionally. Narcissists all have some sort of major insecurity (thus their lack of self-esteem). They can feel shame, and controlling their environment is a method they use to try to avoid feeling shame or hurt from someone triggering their insecurity.

[@paulstewart238]

Spot on analogy

[@danielkaiser8971]

Yep.

[@daboxer181]

So true!

[@cdaigo]

Nicely put!

[@chriscunningham8807]

Trauma also triggers a need for rigid rules and control to make the person feel safe. Really depends on the rule. Stop at the curb and don't step in front of an oncoming car or truck is sensible for children. I demand that you place every peg a certain way on the clothes-line and neatly iron the tea-towels and pillowslips is bizarre. Surgeons and pilots rely on precision to keep people alive.

[@LoveBeliefTruth]

Narcs have an image to keep up, and everyone around them should take part. This recuires rigid measures.

[@sunshinedayz7032]

Sounds exactly like my ex. So glad to be away from that! So happy now. Took 2 yeats to heal completely from the damage that the relationship caused, but I finally am healed. So happy so joyful again! Freedom

[@inspiredclarity2014]

Love you Dr. R. You've become part of my life since I left my narcissistic EX. Little do you know how much I've held onto you for support and encouragement. Thank you

[@inkystarz]

This shows up on a spectrum, its not always so obvious and timed. I know a malignant narcissist who’s ridiculous spontaneity is a form of control.

[@AlexFurlong]

So my sister's obsession with having a perfectly clean household wasn't about me being messy and absent-minded, right? It was her problem all along?! Ok now I'm starting to reevaluate big time!

[@hissyfitz7890]

N mom was proud that her ‘floors were so clean you could eat off of them’ - who’d want to do that? 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

[@florencia2771]

Someone said, when people feel out of control inside their mind, they try to control the environment. I believe it’s true.

[@roceliacaraballo7770]

Cleanliness is morally ambiguous. One doesn’t make you a ‘wrong’ or bad person, at all! I hope you are able to heal from your sisters twisted concept. 💜

[@Picca65]

@@florencia2771 Yes, that's what I tend to do myself when I feel overwhelmed. Whithout being obsessed, but with some urge to regain order in my life/ head.

[@cherylthompson2731]

@@Picca65 you have OCD

[@theresesilvawalker8407]

I still wonder HOW you manage to say what the person says so accurately. It is extremely accurate, even as to wording.

[@karenk2409]

Living with this was absolute hell, and it only got worse with time. Any breach was punished. So glad I'm out.

[@oriori1741]

They can't handle a different person. Cos they control only some people thay love to be controlled.

[@hathawyn]

My egg donor went beyond "no dishes on the counter" and into "no dishes in the sink, sinks are for washing dishes, not storing them". Every single item had to be washed immediately after being used, not a single spoon could be in the sink for more than a couple minutes.

[@sherryfox1481]

Just left this, exactly. Have ok days, but then have hellish days. Lots of learning on this, self reflection and trying to find a new normal.

[@irenaecatherall6676]

I face this with my sibling. The personal abuse is relentless and has become worse as she gets older. Rigidity, obsession, and total inflexibility all the way.

[@jessicaabbott10]

YES, SAME. I thought it would get better with time, but the opposite happened.

[@GypsyJulie]

"We don't cut onions that way in this family"! or... Damn it Julie I found one of your hairs in the shower!

[@cleoldbagtraallsorts3380]

Totally relate.

[@BBB-rd2qi]

Reading your comment made all the hairs stand up on the back of my neck!

[@NiiSnowflake]

On point

[@tennillehouston5174]

Yes!

[@chargennaro976]

I really relate also,, My Narcissists Dad used to make us stand for hour's to wash dishes and silverware one at a time, Must have hot water to rinse well.And Stack Accordingly in the Strainer. Or Sit at the table for hour's to finish every bit of food on are plates..😣

[@Quintpeterson]

One way to get rid of a narcissist is there ask them to do you favors

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Lol🙂......I’m going to try that🚩🚩🚩

[@mrb4761]

I think if you're going to do this, you have to make sure you're asking for something you don't really need

[@timothygenaw2199]

I figured out a long time ago to never ask my father for any kind of help. Not even little things (ride to airport)

[@halocheetah6029]

Yup, mine was highly controlling self righteous covert malignant narcissist. Scary and run for hills. They don't care about your health heart life soul. They are awful 😞

[@Linda-kq9py]

Thank you so much for your videos. I've grown a lot this past year, learning about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. You're so on point about the control. It was like you had a lens into my life with my narcissist.

[@hannahdenman1188]

My narcissist used to clean/organize my house to a way that made him comfortable, he would try to control who I talked to, what I talked about, what I wore, what I ate, and what I posted on social media. He even tried to tell me what plastic surgery I should get to make myself “even more perfect”. He used to love to show me off like I was a doll and any time I showed human emotion I was a problem for him.

[@rosemarylopez988]

Yup I can relate to that. He tried to control everything I did, ate watched on T.V, how long i was on the computer, the water temperature, room temperature, yes he left our Joint account in a negative status and said to not use HIS account to pay my bills. I stay with our 11 month baby and don’t work but i can’t use our bank account money.

[@emmart9061]

I experience the narcissist need for control, but over me. She constantly texts invasive questions, like: who were you with? What did you do? Where have you been? And when I don’t reply or place a boundary around it she’s angry/ passive aggressive. Feels as if she’s trying to control everything I do so that she can relax, in an obsessive way. She’s a friend of mine if it hasn’t been clear.

[@vickiegroome3220]

They would make good police detectives for all the questions.

[@saeranchoi3343]

Oh man is she my mom by any chance Lol

[@zorad3976]

Why you need that friend ?

[@maevebutler4641]

Why would you allow a friend to hold that level of control over you , that is not acceptable behaviour from a person who is clearly not a friend !

[@MrMasterDebate]

I brought canned soup home. She wanted to be so controlling that she broke down in rage.

[@thatflippincandlemvp]

Your videos have helped me so much. Thank you for making them. I have a narcissist in my life, and your videos help me realize that it's not me being overly sensitive or imagining these things.

[@beabove]

Oh yeah. I was accused of being "unconscious" and leaving huge messes in the kitchen. I was shocked (because I like things tidy) but agreed to pay more attention. A couple of days later I was called out for leaving one (count it --ONE) coffee cup in the sink. Because the dishwasher was actually running. "This is the kind of thing I am talking about." That was part of the unraveling, and I got out of the house and the relationship a little while later.

[@emilyadams9986]

Yup. I had that too, but then, if I washed the stray dishes by hand while the dishwasher was running, that wasn't good enough either, because I'd be "wasting dish soap," and also, hand-washing dishes doesn't sterilize them the way the dishwasher does, so it was a "health risk." Now, I live in my own apartment, which doesn't have a dishwasher, and I don't get sick any more often than I ever did.

[@pyarkaaloo]

Oh boy can I relate to this, only the offending object in my case is a tissue...I am taken to task over this, scrutinized & then the same predictable argument ensues...and it escalates into absurdity unless I take myself out of the situation.....I could be lost in thought, trying to concentrate & I am continually interrupted to direct attention to her ridiculous issues

[@joannehurst6108]

@@pyarkaaloo .. am sorry you are going through this ..... I can feel the energy in your words ..... that .. kind of .. way .. our processes can almost be .. seen to 'belong' to some people. To enter our thoughts and feelings at their whim. Am glad if you are able to detach from this ridiculousness .. and get to enjoy the freedom of your own preferences and be you.

[@joannehurst6108]

@@emilyadams9986 .. glad you escaped .. .. so freeing to be able to be you.

[@joannehurst6108]

@@karendelgado203 .. gosh I hope your nerves can last this. .. am hoping you know that your worth and value is more than enforced 'rules'. Sending you kind wishes.

[@unapologeticella4540]

Its so annoying. I miss my life but have nowhere to go this quarantine.im stuck with a covert narc.

[@Sweepdog700]

I lived with a narcissistic wife for 20 years. I felt afterwards I was somehow suffering some sort of mild PTSD. I thought I would love to see a phycologist but It would take me forever to try to explain all the little things she did and how I felt. I was exhausted just thinking of it. One day I stumbled on your channel and watched one of your videos, not sure which one I’ve watched so many now, but one video and you said everything, EVERYTHING! I was blown away like you had seen into 20 years of my life! This has been so enlightening, so healing for me I cannot thank you enough Dr Ramani. As I share children with this person, the ‘crap’ isn’t over yet but as they are getting older the contact I have with their mother is getting less. We have been split for 10 years now, and at one point I even though I wanted to get back with her. What a mistake that would of been. But I understand now after listening to you explaining this in another video. Anyway I just wanted to let you know what an impact you have had. And again thank you.

[@fearlessliving6797]

I hear you. I was married for 6 years and towards the end my heart would start beating faster when it was time for him to come home. My son is only 2 and I still have to apply for divorce. One narcissist is difficult to deal with but then in pretax of supporting us his mother started staying with us when I was pregnant with my son. She is such a snake... I am not the kind of person who would talk bad about anyone. But I smiled when I typed.."snake".

[@Sweepdog700]

@@fearlessliving6797 sounds like you are out of it now, good for you. And you now know all the sign to avoid meeting another one. All the best to you and your son

[@fearlessliving6797]

@@Sweepdog700 I am all invested in my son and my life. I won't have anyone else in my life now. Gave so much of myself to my husband..love..care.. understanding...that I know I won't have anyone in my life in a mate kind of way now. I worked hard on this marriage. Sustained a lot. I also feel it's so draining to explain to someone the incidences..his reactions..my reactions... me asking for forgiveness everytime I was hurt because of his rage and anger... My effort to gather enough energy and ask for forgiveness from him. Towards the end of his rage...I remember all drained out... And then asking him...of the two possible options, what should I have done to not upset you.. just a metaphor ..and I used it.." of my two feet, what foot should I put forward ..next time..to not upset you next time... He NEVER had any answer. I did not know about narcissism. But I knew he has some mental problem. But I accepted that. Oh..he is a soul... every soul is good and if I am good to him always, he will be good to me and then one day he will understand that a home should be a loving and comfortable place... well I thought I achieved some what success but then the snake arrived....well a long story and the words i have don't do justice. And I have no energy left... May be I will write someday a diary or something... Well I have an exam on Sunday...better get to work...when I read your first comment.. it appeared those are my words...So thanks for putting some of my feelings into words....

[@Sweepdog700]

@@fearlessliving6797 I understand not having the energy to try again with a relationship, I felt the same. One day when I wasn’t looking a healthy one knocked on the door and showed me I was worth more. Good luck for your exam 🤞

[@dianaverano7878]

They control up to how long you should be angry or upset. Thanks to these videos, I learned about this crappy narcissists & setting a boundaries. Even if you are a calm person, kindly & humbly ask narcissists that "today is not the right day" for us to talk.... They dont want to follow that. The only way out is to set boundaries with them.