4 ways narcissists manipulate and punish you

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@marquitamadison2667]

If the narcissist “ forgets” their past actions and you have the ability to show the evidence- they will say something like “ who keeps evidence like that , you really need help, you’re holding on to stuff… blah, blah”

[@cherylnathanodette]

Yes it's even better when they actually remove the evidence from your device. Then they even have the audacity to remove recordings you have been pleased with, because they are shit scared you might use them. However I don't have the time, inclination or evilness to do that. It's their problem not yours remember that.

[@Vanajaschannel]

I get “ok you want to hod on to the past, fine. You don’t want to solve anything. You just want to stay in the past”.

[@MsJanetLouise]

​@@VanajaschannelThat's exactly what he says!

[@DanielleStarry]

Or they’ll find and destroy the evidence without your knowledge or consent, and then attack you for having had it in the first place

[@monticarlo4588]

My personal favorite response I got when presenting evidence was, “yeah, well”

[@Itsmeandiamok]

Rage + acting like nothing happened = profound damage to the victim.

[@tlhogid663]

Great summary!

[@realhealing7802]

Yes! The rage I experienced from my narcissistic parents did serious damage. Abusers teach their children to accept bad behavior and call it love. It's twisted and sick!

[@kimberlychristine9284]

Yes, this was so common with my narc parents. They'd blow up and blame me for every fault and shortcoming. Then act like we're a happy family the next day. You are right, it is so damaging.

[@sophies_poppin]

Yep just happened to me yesterday by my narcissistic brother

[@bereal6590]

@@realhealing7802 same here with my father

[@TheSelfCenter]

Narcissists are like energy vampires... I genuinely believe that cutting these people out of your life will ALWAYS make you happier. Love your messages!

[@DaQween20]

It can be so hard to cut them off

[@TheSelfCenter]

@@DaQween20 You just have to be firm in your boundaries and know what you want. (: If the case is that they're dangerous, you need to get help involved.

[@SaintAnthonyIV]

Yeah they are. I found that out the hard way

[@saltlightandjoyministries4138]

They really are energy vampires. I've recently realized that they're predatory, and truly can't be reasoned with on any level.

[@kathleenferguson3296]

My mother is dead. I spent 10 caring for her. I Still hear her voice telling me how useless and worthless I am.

[@Lefty19]

My ex conveniently forgets the triangulation he created, the lies, cheating, physical abuse etc. BUT definitely remembers CLEARLY my reaction to his abuse. Hypocrisy goes hand in hand with gaslighting, manipulation, victimization, lying and abuse. They can do things to you, but how dare you do it to them. He often yells at me, and gets disrespectful by putting me down and criticizing my parenting, me as a person, and my work ethic. When I point out his yelling, he says he’s not yelling, that’s just his voice. When clearly, before i pointed out his abuse, he was calm and his tone was at a normal level. He just gaslights for anything and everything.

[@m.s.17171]

I am constantly asking myself if I'm the problem but then I remember that I'm only trying to keep tabs to defend myself. He clearly has a whole 'nother metric of what it means to show up for us. And then I come out as the lunatic because what he says and what he does don't match. I can't win.

[@callalilly1988]

Absolutely. Then your reaction to the abuse is framed as though you're being horrible out of nowhere. His treatment of me literally triggered my flight or fight response. I fled and he took that personally. In his eyes, we were on cloud 9. In reality I was literally physically sick from the stress of dealing with him. He saw my needing space as this great betrayal. He was furious and I was in the dog house for it. He then went on a "punishment rampage" Being dramatic and trying to hurt me with words.

[@JJ-mh4xd]

Im so sorry about what you experienced, I hope one day you can get out. I hope you are okay

[@maevebutler4641]

​@callalilly1988 Like a sculptor chipping away at a piece of art/work The narcissist will go on to repeat the same behaviour, repeatedly, it will leave you feeling like you are reeling & start to doubt your own reality, when you don't understand exactly what/who you are dealing interacting with They do have what I used to view as selective memory is just so cruel. Please get out now if there is any possibility of you doing so, in order to hold on to your overall health If not please follow DrRamini suggestions as to what to do in order to hold onto your own sense of reality ie "radical acceptance " Sending you every good wish for you minding yourself either in/ out of your relationship It took me decades to learn about what was occurring in my own life The price was out in every sense of the word Get out while you still can asap. Blessings & fire to your heels girl......

[@sayresrudy2644]

selective & strategic amnesia

[@DanielleStarry]

Oh my gosh. Their face *does* change when the switch suddenly flips. It *is* pure rage. I’m 9 years out of my narc relationship, but he did lasting damage to me.

[@realhealing7802]

Selective amnesia! They only remember the good they did, but the abuse they conveniently forget. There is no accountability for a narcissistic parent.

[@bereal6590]

That's my father and my mom who is an apologist for him and herself. Any pushback (they're elderly now) brings on the victim martyr in her and rages in him. My mom remembers every perceived slight from me as a child but nothing barely of the abuse I received

[@samanthamansi1184]

Exactly

[@nissysamkutty4834]

Very much true

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I got blamed for the abuse by the abuser. He took no responsibility/liability. And proceeded to lecture me about "being mature" Yeah, right!

[@honghanh8137]

Yup!!! “ I don’t remember anything up to 2 wks ago” monsters

[@OriginalElements5]

Took me 15 long wasted years to just simply learn to WALK AWAY and stand in my power. These type of people NEVER EVER change and it’s destined they’ll hurt you again it’s like their mission to disrespect us. No love lost I wouldn’t change it for the world it was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life 🌻 Thank you lord for all the opportunities and happiness you have brought into my life for listening to my heart and intuition

[@currypablo]

Dr. Ramani is so wise. I recall her saying to try not to get actual revenge against a narcisist as it reduces you to their level and will hurt you more in the end than the narcissist. So true.

[@DigitalMediaPatriots]

True. The best thing to do with a narcissist is to avoid them at all costs. Do not feed that troll. It will get law enforcement on their side for sure if you do anything like any correspondence. Avoidance is the best way to eventually see them self destruct and/or get arrested. I know from personal experience on this.

[@stephanieluvinski4637]

I'm to warn out to even seek revenge. I just want that demon gone, I'll put a continent between up if I could. I plan on moving 3 states away

[@SuzannaLiessa]

​@@stephanieluvinski4637 I definitely understand that. I want to stop the energy suck, not add to it with revenge. Besides, revenge is ultimately about hurting him, which implies that his emotions matter to me, and that means he still has an emotional hook into me. I'm plenty angry, but that’s my emotion for me to deal with. I can't be bothered to care about his.

[@JoeyBvr]

These female narc coaches are ALL gorgeous as fuck

[@seanjarett4448]

You are a NATIONAL TREASURE, Ma'am. You started me on the road to recovery from the 3 narcissts in my neuclear family....priceless...

[@LowriSeren]

I think “the rage” is probably what’s damaged me most as a survivor of childhood/adolescence narc abuse from my mother. In my adult life now, I go above and beyond to please people, flee the instant there’s any mild conflict and even struggle to defend myself when legitimately wronged without crying and being unable to speak or doubting whether its somehow my stupid fault. I’m trying my best to heal but oh boy is it hard to re-wire these responses. Thank you for another informative video Dr Ramani x

[@daynapeterson9033]

So very true. If my husband has tv on and there's any chaos on that show, I scurry off to my room. I refuse to be around chaos and drama. It's like a trigger. My narc mom cussed and yelled during my whole childhood and every word out of her mouth was an order. She didn't care WHO you were, she would order you around.

[@LowriSeren]

@@daynapeterson9033 I hope your situation is better now. Narc mothers have a lot to answer for :( all the best x

[@bellaluce7088]

❤❤❤❤ Hugs to you!!! ❤❤❤❤

[@izzylandyt]

Every time I hear someone stomp their feet or a knock on the door, I jump. All thanks to the trauma I’ve been through.

[@mabelpayne8933]

A narcissist in my life uses this guilt tripping to get exactly what she wants and much. She will do some little something then expects you to repay her10 times over.

[@awakened9906]

Passive aggressiveness is also a form of gaslighting. Since their message is not always clear, because they avoid healthy communication, it usually leaves you wondering what they mean. And later down the road, they can actually say "Well I never said that! ", which is technically true.

[@TR-ru7tb]

100%

[@Eldot5]

Or they’ll insist that they actually said to or told you what they were not very clear about, aggressively accuse, blame and shame you for not paying attention and listening to them, and punish you for responding by stating that they can simply clarify by restating themselves if you didn’t get what they initially meant.

[@BlueMosaic5]

Ohhh they remember 😢Then LIE that they “don’t remember”

[@mohammadswabir2092]

I never get tired listen to Dr Ramani, she's like talking to me directly. She makes sense of everything she said. I'm greatful, i get my free therapy in this channel. Thanks Dr Ramani. God bless you and your family.

[@KirkWhiteWhite]

Free therapy. Good one.

[@maxp7302]

I still get triggered by anger and rage. It's terrifying to me

[@tlhogid663]

Any normal, healthy person would be shaken to the core by narcissistic rage. It is frightening!

[@maxp7302]

@Mlou Hig I get that. I still get triggered by it though, it's conflict

[@cc1k435]

Nothing to like about it anyway, and then add a layer of a crazy childhood...🫣

[@1timeslime971]

My daughters rage is in form of days of smear campaign.

[@1timeslime971]

What the hell….”must be nice” phrase is and has been used by a multitude I’ve witnessed. It isn’t a narc only thing.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Growing up in a family with two narcissistic parents and two siblings who were being groomed to be like them, I could not grasp the lack of accountability these so-called adults regularly demonstrated. And I married someone who was the same as them. It was so incredible, literally, to come to better understand the dynamics affecting my life. I have suffered all of these manipulations and abuses on countless occasions, but now, thanks to studying the content of this and other channels, and the work of many others, when I encounter someone who does these things, I recognize what is happening, and I walk away as soon as I can. (Edited for typo)

[@ChannelleHinds]

Perfectly said! 👏🏻👍🙌

[@Startanewjenesis]

I feel your pain of having narcissistic parents and siblings. It’s so hard at the beginning to accept it/grasp it. But once it all sinks in. It becomes so clear that it’s ok to walk away. Something I struggled with forever up until now. I can walk away. And be left with no one. I was strong enough to endure the abuse, so I know damn sure now that I’m strong enough to leave and deal with all the uncomfortable emotions after no contact. Thank you for your comment. It really helped me. Cheers to healing. ✨

[@rubberbiscuit99]

@@Startanewjenesis I'm glad my comment was helpful. It is pretty ironic --I used to believe I could not survive without my family near, but the truth was that I could never thrive around them. That's trauma bonding for you. All the best to you in your healing.

[@makingmelody]

Good for you! Same here. Education is key.

[@donnaroosa4469]

Do you know of how to walk away from my husband ? Without feeling the same guilt but I felt when I left my parents

[@cymbolichuman433]

I have said this before... I got tired of hearing how life has screwed them over, how they were treated unfairly, how I have friends, how I have all the good luck, how their family doesn't talk to them, why is that? It's something they won't learn. So one day I heard a friend say: Pack my bags... I'm going on a guilt trip. Yep...

[@Agheel963]

I got sick and tired of hearing the same things it pricked my ears up and started to notice it was hate and contempt

[@stephaniepiazzese2602]

Good one!!! Thanks I’ll use that!!

[@tlhogid663]

00:25 Difference between anger and rage 06:05 Passive Aggression 24:19 Narcissistic Amnesia 41:12 Smear Campaign

[@yukio_saito]

Thank you for tracklisting 😃

[@apriljk6557]

MVP

[@karinbernhardt8747]

Thank you Thogi. 👍✌🍀🌼

[@dawnmann4878]

Thank you.

[@thescapegoatclub]

narcissistic amnesia is another form of gaslighting. If they don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. So hard to argue against, especially when it comes from a parent.

[@wesleydeer889]

Listen people, this lady is the best there is. She has literally changed my life at 47 years old. And I’m considered a highly intelligent person, she schooled the shit out of me. She is absolutely masterful at explaining every aspect. She has had my jaw on the ground many times….Eyes wide open saying oh my fucking god….crying so hard at times I thought I was going to stroke out. I’ll bet money shes top 3 in the world.

[@jonisoma5726]

…oh Dr. Ramani there are so many great doctors enlightening society about narcissim, but your deliverance is stunning and articulate.

[@maryjane5769]

My narc non-mom gaslights me by saying “I don’t remember” and “you need to get over the past”. Who abuses innocent children and doesn’t apologize? Narcissists. What a blessing to have been raised by loveless narcs

[@cc1k435]

Mine always said very dramatically, "I don't know what you're talking about." As if she were on Dynasty or something. It was like living with a drug addict, so much denial.

[@calcalhoun1333]

Ugh... I’m a victim of long term emotional abuse at the hands of a covert narcissist, and I’m full of rage. He was too, and would throw toddler level tantrums, but he knew how to goad me into nearly blind rage as well. He loved to do that, and then he’d act all calm like I was the crazy one. I can control my emotions now that I’m not being tormented 24/7, but it’s still there under the surface. The difference is that I don’t abuse people or take my own b.s. out on them.

[@jeanschikora5008]

You are so articulate. An unexpected find due to a random google search and a desperate need for clarification. I binged watched you today. I would absolutely reinforce your suggestion that confrontation can have a very negative impact. Get comfortable with being misunderstood… and stay focused on the truth. Narcissists have a self serving agenda; without discomfort of thought nor the burden of responsibility.

[@kevingillard5474]

They can be the devil in the details.

[@DoctorRamani]

Thank you for supporting my channel!

[@CrystalMouse1]

The passive aggressiveness is something I picked up from my narcissistic parents and I have to catch myself a lot. The 'well like I haven't already been working hard enough today ! FINE I'll empty the dishwasher!' one is not from me or towards anyone. It's left from them and I'm ashamed that I continued the pattern towards loved ones. Definitely working on it

[@kakestuff4267]

I do the same thing and I hate that

[@nath1284]

The fact you are able to recognise this and want to change the behaviour is a huge plus for you and keep going - we all have much to learn and practise so you're not alone. Good on you for being open and honest with yourself and others

[@Xesxs]

I knew one passive aggressive guy. Some reason I asked the therapist what can I do about the toilet paper roll is backwards? It's a conflict in our relationship. She said that's all? I said yes. She said since he's the PA guy, leave it how he likes it. I still think it's funny that way but some things are not important.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I am very proud of myself as I was able to briefly be around some narcissistic family members last night. I was calm and confident in myself, and answered their questions simply without engaging in anything or over sharing so as to protect my wins in life and my mental health. It felt good and healthy for me. Makes me sad they can never give compliments or praise for my hard work, and that they weren’t there for me during hard times, despite me always being there for them. It’s disheartening but learning to protect and validate myself. Grateful for all I’ve learnt here. Thank you ❤

[@bellaluce7088]

That sounds like graduation day! 😀CONGRATULATIONS!!!👏👏👏

[@mabelpayne8933]

Sounds like my life.

[@bereal6590]

Yup, never the compliments always the put downs.... they're jealous people

[@mabelpayne8933]

So proud of you. Keep it up. It’s sad for their part but they missed so much in having good relationships in life. BUT, they think they are never wrong because they have such an ego. I’m practicing the DEEP techniques. Don’t defend, engage, explain, or personalize.

[@beaglerescue5281]

Congratulations. I had a victory recently. It felt so good. Actually looking forward to the next test.

[@Christina-r1q]

I listen to you most days every day! I have lived this for 40 years and only now I have decided to seek help. This is beyond difficult but I can do this!!!!!!!🙏🏼

[@zaviahopethomas-woundedsou9848]

I don't think a Narc's rage is uncontrollable, Too many times I have seen them walk into another room all happy and manipulative again as though they never went into a rage. I also found in healing from abuse inflicted by a covert malignant narc, I went through phases of rage at what they had done.

[@CairoManolo]

They can control it. They lie and say they can't notice how they never fly into a rage in front of others or they never hurt you in front of other people. They can control it and that's why other people that aren't victims think they're so sweet

[@zaviahopethomas-woundedsou9848]

@@CairoManolo Exactly!

[@lessismore8533]

@@CairoManolo they’ll be their REAL selves behind closed doors It’s called being 2 faced Cough younger sibling cough

[@janetwood6480]

Been around narcs that diffinitly know how to use and control their rage.

[@CairoManolo]

People that met him would tell me how lucky I was to be in a relationship with him Id roll my eyes and he'd have the biggest smile smh

[@spencerjones6132]

My response to the “must be nice “ is always the same “yeah it’s nice”.

[@sharonsalyer4912]

I believe that since they have so little empathy and must get their way it doesn't matter to them what they do to you as long as they get their way. So they don't really see or care about the pain they caused you because they achieved their goal. Then they are able to quickly forget what and how they crushed you because they really only care about getting their way.

[@Jo-gs9kk]

You are incredible Dr Ramani, thank you for helping so many people.

[@Someoneoutthere67]

It’s amazing the way we all crave your knowledge. This video was done one hour ago and you have over 2000 hits you’re doing a great job I’ll tell you that. I am seeing things a lot clearer than what I have in my life as far as not just with relationships, but within myself as well, and how I respond.

[@notagain779]

@Pam, I was thinking the same thing. It goes to show not only Dr. Ramani's ability to so concisely put into words the dynamics that can seem impossible to get your head around, but how many people out there are suffering through the same thing. We're all learning together with the help of the internet. Hopefully one day, the majority of the world wide population will have a good grasp of these problems and side step it quickly, or if they're the one doing it, stop the mind games!

[@KatherineGrey-pz9on]

Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,

[@KRzzzzzzzz]

They can’t tolerate any teeny tiny mention of critic. It immediately becomes strong criticism in their minds. Immediately. There’s no turning back in their minds either. Once that switch clicks it’s full throttle. No matter what you say or how you say it, they will not “hear” it the way you speak it. There’s no turning back for them. It’s best to exit.

[@cc1k435]

That criticism switch has them acting like they just got physically attacked by a mortal enemy. Ridiculous to see.

[@ninadahlberg8970]

Oh yes!!! NM is in her90s now and still can go full throttle. The whole package. Sad now cause dementia is setting in but the narc continues. Dr. R. Please address narc parents who now need care and in spite of increasing dementia gas light, passive aggressive, triangulate the three daughters. She has torn our family apart

[@roxyskittens]

I had a step-father who was a horrible man, but among other things he used to lie a lot and very convincingly (even to other adults). For example, one day he told my mother and other relatives that when I was outside playing he looked out the window and saw me hurting a little girl I was playing with - he said I tried to choke her. That simply wasn't true: I am not and never have been a violent person. But my mother and other people believe him and chastised me. He spread that lie and other lies, for years, in the entire family. TO THIS DAY, I am afraid that someone might spread lies about me and harm my reputation and other people would believe them. And I don't know how to get rid of this awful feeling...

[@lenageorge1686]

You are so insightful Dr R. I listen to your videos, nodding and agreeing with everything you say. Incredible. And yes, dealing with the dishwasher is definitely much easier!!

[@Jonistired]

Thanks for explaining narcissistic amnesia. I was subjected to physical, verbal and emotional abuse and within minutes my entire family would deny that it had happened.

[@colorfulquecreations]

Dr. Ramani is so accurate in describing narcissistic behavior that it’s scary. 😳 My mother has done everything she’s mentioned in this video. It almost like she knows her personally.

[@dawnmcewan2997]

Sometimes the rage is manufactured as an intimidation tactic to avoid real conversion or to shut a person down who wants to address behavioral issues. They also bait the abused into a reactive abuse so they look like the victim.

[@marlomirre161]

Yes

[@deadparrot5953]

My mom to T.

[@laurenbrooks3091]

*16:00* The bit about the parent saying, "I've done so much for you", that hit hard. I can't tell you how many times I heard this growing up, and I still sometimes hear it, although not as often since I've moved out years ago. I would try to defend myself with words after verbal and emotional abuse and she'd turn around and punish me for being "disrespectful", that she's the parent and I'm the child, and "after all we've done for you...!" .

[@C.C.1812]

O my goodness!! My husband does not remember many of the most terrible things he did! So Narcissistic amnesia is a real thing. It is really gaslighting. It is so convenient for the narcissist to just shut the communication up. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani!! I appreciate the knowledge and validation you so generously share!

[@dylanquinn7]

Hearing you speak on Narcissistic Amnesia was SO VALIDATING for me!! This was a HUGE component in my relationship with my covert/neglectful narcissist ex (10 years together age 20-30). I cannot thank you enough for this validation

[@lilianproencademenezesmont4161]

Dr. Ramani , I have never experience that rage and hate before marriing my narc. There were nobody that could show me that it was a personality seriously ill. At that time nobody spoke of this default of personality. Not even psychaestrist nor psychologist. I think this came upon with Dr. Otto Kernberg and you. Now we , victims , know Thank you so much , Dr. Ramani.

[@townstunsltd6727]

("...now we , SURVIVORS , know." (?) Yes, good point! Back in the 80's 90's well-meaning people would often unwittingly assist narcissists behavior, as it just wasn't known that such an extensive personality disorder even existing! Ye. And well-meaning people often said ..."maybe it's not all that bad!" ..."are you sure they said that?" ..."it will be alright!" ...etc, etc! Ye, validation of actual experience is so very important! Good luck.

[@AndrewFosterSheff69]

Go NO CONTACT and stay there. They didn't love you first time round, what do you think changed since then??? NOTHING APART FROM THEY GOT BORED WITH THEIR LATEST SUPPLY!!!

[@Stardusted1]

The best is when the people who believe their lies, don’t even ask you what happened. Just write you off like you’re garbage. Their turn is coming, that’s all I know for sure.

[@megfuchs9425]

They could literally pass a lie detector test, cause their lies are their reality! It is so incredibly frustrating.

[@NJ752]

@DrRamani .. once I found you … you won’t believe .. I binged watch your series as Netflix series.. every podcast made so much clarity to understand the situation I was going through… thank you thank you .. God bless you

[@siand4504]

When I tried to talk about an abusive episode, I got 'oh that was so long ago, so much has happened since then' was told that I was 'harking back and raking over, and that life was too short and I should move on'. This did make me feel a little bit like, is she right? However I knew that even though time (months) had moved on since the shocking episode, it had changed the relationship irrevocably for me. I told her that yes, we clearly have to move on, but that things would be different from my point of view. Still not resolved: she carries on as if nothing was ever said. I go along with her facade and keep up my firewall. But I will never trust her or be vulnerable with her again. Through your videos I have learned how to set firm boundaries and have the confidence to enforce them. Chose not to cut off due to wider family considerations. Beforehand I didn't even know what a relationship boundary was. Thank you Dr Ramani for your reassurance.

[@aldenisouza2015]

I had a friend who dominated me with manipulation and opinions about my life for over 20 years, when once I criticized her about something casual, she freaked out.

[@Matriarch57]

This brings back memories. My mother had amnesia about everything then told everyone I was on intravenous drugs. She told people that she saw track marks all over my arms. She told everyone that I was hallucinating and people actually believed it.

[@bereal6590]

My mom told me she suspected (btw this never ever happened) that my father had sexually abused me because I didn't like being near him. That's because he was a rager! Aggressive man who could be gift giving one minute and carrying on like a maniac the next. Yet even though she thought what she thought which is utter nonsense, she didn't leave ask questions, nothing! She didn't even protect me from their friends kids who badly bullied me. I just don't get where their heads are at.

[@bigred4379]

I have a mother like that also. I’m 60 and just started to understand this a couple years ago when I found this channel. It’s been a confusing life for me. Grateful I had a normal father or I’d be more screwed up than I am🤣 hang in there. You’re not alone.

[@paulasarno2584]

My mother ,I never tried a drug in my entire life

[@little-miss-happy]

The eyes go dark the face goes red and those eyes have zero recognition of who you are even as they are hurting you when you get hurt the smile as if they gain satisfaction from it. No regret

[@cdr92663]

Agreed N rage is terrifying, smear campaigns, re-write history. I've never experienced rage of that intensity.

[@Agheel963]

The history re write is the one that annoys me. They are either a hero or victim and completely miss out the bad things they say/do. I noticed that with my narc friends

[@danutachampness1165]

Yes I agree that the rage is frightening and so quick!

[@SaintAnthonyIV]

My work place got so bad. I recently used passive aggression. I'm on vacation and go back tomorrow. Wish me luck.

[@tinashipkey6514]

Dr.Ramani the ultimate punishment i face is the withholding of my grandchildren the threats of the price I'll pay if i dont do as my adult daughter wants especially giving money. Please touch more on this ...

[@augustfiredog2696]

The smear campaign is the worst and it lasts forever and ever. I had 18 years of narcissistic abuse with an abusive husband and then, after the nasty divorce, 30 years of the smear campaign against me with my own 4 children with him. It is devastating because the children were trying to get his love up through their adulthood, please him and go along with the lies he was making up. He was good at getting lots of enablers and even now after he is dead and gone. One of the kids, Daddy’s girl, has carried out his legacy and has continued the spear campaign for him even now that he is dead. He ruined my relationships with my adult children and my future relationships with my grandchildren. This is what evil is.

[@charlenemcconnell8409]

Dr Ramani is a true angel. She is the only thing that keeps me sane in a narcissists relationship I can't escape.

[@robinklammer3755]

Unfortunately, i was the rager in my relationship. I own it unequivocally. I would keep pushing down everything until I couldn't take it anymore. I think i definitely had the covert narcissistic traits. I have to be by myself when the rage comes. I think when you have been through a ton of crap, but not allowed to have your feelings without being shamed/blamed, your anger will be indignant. Plus a host of other BS. I'm working on these issues, but I own what I did. I left the relationship, and i feel far more in touch with my emotions than ever before. Thank you Dr.Ramani.

[@rewwhitty8673]

Consider that some direct family members (parents, siblings) will abuse you far worse than a spouse ever could. What kind of person does this to you? A sick person you cannot fix. Don't wake up physically dead one day, get out now.

[@ΜαρίαΜαγουλά-ο7μ]

My Narcissistic mother is holding a grunge for everyone (including me) who dared in her whole life to say NO, or didn't "respect" her. Her Narcissistic amnesia is her weapon of disrespect and revenge. Many times as she performs her amnesia I have realized that it is a sadistic weapon of hers and she knows it.

[@milliehummer4713]

My ex husband would always beat me in the middle of the night after drinking an excessive amount of alcohol. It was terrifying & our fifteen year old son was a witness to this behavior. I never ran up the stairs because I knew there as no escape and he could very easily throw me down the stair then claim it as an “accident.” During our divorce he claimed very adamantly that he had “never touched me.” He threatened our son to lie to the judge or he would have “put his dad in jail.” I am so glad that I’m alive. He was later arrested for DV against his girlfriend who lied to protect him.

[@tivertonlove850]

I experienced the rage on the second date - I ignored this red flag 🚩 and married him - biggest mistake - don’t ignore this

[@paulevanzo6896]

HOW YOU CAN KEEP ALL THAT DARK STUFF IN YOUR HEAD AND STAY SO WELL BALANCED IS AMAZING. . YOUR THE BEST . EASIEST TO UNDERSTAND AND LEARN FROM. .IN SMALL DOSES. ITS ENLIGHTENING BUT SO DEPRESSING. NARCS ARE LIKE ALIENS LIVING AMONGST US X

[@josiah5776]

I just cut off another narc. My family and in laws seem to be full of them. With them around, every day is a constant defensive battle trying to prevent them from passive-aggressively manipulating you into doing what they want you to do, and that you don't want to do. At least this time around, I was very familiar with the signs and tactics, so I went straight to cutting them off. They, of course, blew into narcissistic rage and then began the slander campaign. I never introduced this one to anyone important in my life, so he can slander away all he wants. He's doing me a favor by removing the flying monkeys.

[@user-yn2zs5yi6j]

Thank you I experience this with my husband and did with my mother. Husband does not hit me. The rage comes so fast over nothing. He yells f you and calls me stupid yelling. He is hard to drive with do to his constant cursing - this at lights, at nothing really.

[@SaritWorld]

I cannot thank you enough for making this video. Thank you so much dr. This video is very healing.

[@PenninkJacob]

Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!❤👍❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@roshanrahealer]

I love watching your videos, especially when I need to do some slow, controlled Muay Thai to process traumas and nightmares. I still have a lot of memory gaps from my life but watching videos, listening to podcasts on narcissistic abuse, and writing have helped me feel real when I felt like a non-sentient sex doll before. Since cutting off my mom, I've recovered memories that show the susceptibility I had for sex trafficking because of the way I felt around my rage-filled mother. I'm glad I got out of those relationships and have worked hard to make my relationships healthier. I'm glad I found love with a man who doesn't push me to do what I don't feel like doing. It's still difficult to stay stable, but I have more motivation and less suicidal ideation. Tons less SI! Thanks again for all your videos. I obsessively watch them when I need to figure something out.

[@heidikeeney5218]

This video helped me So much to see both the other & myself. Thanks!

[@kellemarie930]

So true, the emotional abuse has been the hardest to overcome 🙏🙏

[@robinchilds7492]

He remembered buying me a car that I paid for, but they never remember the nice things you do for them.

[@rebekahransom415]

Parent's "amnesia" is sick and cruel when it prevents you from knowing yourself or processing things. But when EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS IT TOO, and they won't tell you either--is beyond cruel. Especially when they tell everyone you had a "brain injury", and you never did. They all shared the lie, and followed the Money/Narc.

[@rewwhitty8673]

A sibling following in our mother's narc footsteps did the same after Mom died: he said Early Dementia and being delusional runs in our female family members after menopause, and as soon as I turned 50 years old, the false narrative began! Everyone was told of this behind my back so the narcs could gain sympathy. I learned about this 13 years later. I never had this, and you had NO brain injury. They just need an excuse for bad behavior. I was denied my rightful inheritance when mom died because my sibling said I was unable to manage my money, so he took the money for himself . I learned about this 2 years ago. Yes, it is follow the money

[@bereal6590]

Yes I tried with my elderly mom to piece together my memories and myself! She showed contempt and disdain!

[@stacynajjar4525]

Dr. Ramani I watch all your shows and it helps me get through my toxic work environment.The thing you said about being the only one to see the UFO!!! Omg have u been to my work!! Thank you for these lectures you are awesome!

[@mosaicowlstudios]

It seems incredibly unfair that they can allow themselves to forget their indiscretions and offenses when so many of us live in a constant state of guilt over the slightest errors we've made in the past

[@ceriusStra]

The narcissist I know also calls me a narcissist and denies him being one. But hearing your description lets me know he is exactly the definition of narcissism. Every example you talk about in defining this is exactly the person I live with. 😢

[@raebutler1407]

My father was one to rage out about the smallest thing. I guess I got desensitized to it, because it doesn't scare me anymore. Now, I just feel disgusted toward him. My love ran away from the fear. He can't hurt me if I just don't care what he thinks.

[@carolynjaynes9094]

Pity and guilt can be such a pull for those of us who like to help others. I see it as a HUGE red flag now. Thank you!

[@MegaRose1958]

I actually left my house a few times bec. I felt if I stayed I would be harmed. That's actually how the relationship finally ended when he punched in my stomach and then went and sat down at the kitchen table. I still can't believe he did that and it's been almost a year.

[@shelliemathews1043]

My final "straw" was 2 punches to the back of my head after he started raging at me, pushed me om the bed twice, then shoved me when I finally was able to get off the bed, I landed on the floor and that's when he punched me twice. He claims it was in defense of a crazy bitch flying off the bed at him... over 33 yrs of narc abuse...25th of July was first time of actually hitting me...but of course, he is believing it is all going to go back to normal soon..."can I get you something from the store? Chocolate, candy??" Not that I want one but no apologies, just more of his bs...I'm now truly done this time! This happened 5 days after my bday...4 hrs after posting "our dinner date with my beautiful wife for her birthday!" His rage begun because I said, "after this last word, I'm not saying another thing...no matter what you say to me." Started yelling, came around to my side of the bed..."YOU WILL NOT FUCKING IGNORE ME BITCH!" Threw my cell across the room, hitting me with the charger cord in the face (I'll admit, that probably wasn't intentional but terrified me...Anyway, I understand what you're saying and where you're coming from. Been with him my entire adult life (I was 17, he was 18. I just turned 52 and he turned 53 yesterday)... he used to say, "well, I didn't black out your eyes, right?!" I had never seen him get that bad before. He's only gotten worse with age. Used to be time between "the other show dropping." Passed yr or so, less and less time went by between the rages. Last 6-8 months...everyday.

[@IKFKSwitch]

When narcissistic parents have a child with hyperreactivity/sensory issues, or any condition where the child is prone to meltdowns, that kid learns real quick that violence is ok and that's how you solve problems. The lie: it'll make you feel better. This was my situation; both parents, daily violence and browbeating. By 2, any dysregulation on my part resulted in hyperreactive violence (towards my sister, or just being destructive.) I'm 52. It took me this long to realize that I was not the one who was the monster, and that I'd been defending my parents for too long.

[@bookbeing]

Someone does something meanspirited, intentionally harmful to someone today gets some feedback they play a wildcard from some past injury or experience or some issue that may have nothing to do with you. They hijack the energy and empathy so it's on them. You have to feel sorry for them when they are the one hurting and mistreating you. Thank you so much for your mention of the smear campaigns and I can speak from experience they hurt so much on so many levels. 😿

[@gerger5670]

Whenever we have argued, we’ll discuss things, I think it’s better. Then he’ll clean out the garage and accidentally throw out our Christmas tree. So many times like that it’s hard to count, right now I go along to get along, protecting myself, and my stuff.

[@ashlyriddick1899]

Please remember you deserve to be happy, and I only say that bcuz my mom used to say that all the time “Go along to get along.” with her narc sisters and partner-I believe it made her sick. You are worthy of happiness whatever that looks like for you ❤❤❤

[@m.s.17171]

It is downright abuse and they just get to say, "what?"

[@m.s.17171]

I have asked my husband to please sort the laundry a certain way (decide who's pile it belongs in and stack them while folding, SORTING!) because it makes it easier for me to put the clothes away. I'm met with the opposite and getting called a baby because I don't like it. Can you just sort and fold the clothes so it's easier?! I'm literally telling you how to make this easier for me and I'm constantly met with resistance and being told im too controlling. I feel like he hates me. I just want things to be easier. Like what maniacal asshole folds clothes and doesn't sort them into everyone's piles at the same time? And this is compiling the fact that this is supposed to be your person you're supposed to live side by side with while he's constantly cutting you down, situation after situation but then acts like he doesn't know what's wrong at Thanksgiving dinner when you have an over reaction. This shit is nasty.

[@zebrababy6267]

Narcissistic amnesia is a form of gaslighting. - Very true statement. My ex narcissist discarded me at such a difficult time in my life, and is sure to minimize, dodge accountability, and find some way to blame me. These people are to be avoided.

[@leticiamilo4387]

Thanks for sharing this video !!❤⚘

[@gerger5670]

“Must be nice” every time someone enjoys anything! Even if my daughters and I stopped and got fries! 5 days to freedom! ❤❤❤❤

[@Twistifyable]

I was sent your videos by a friend. I never realized I was even in a narcissistic relationship…I felt guilty, crazy, alone…like the bad guy myself..I’ve learned so much about who I am with now through these. Ty.

[@nw0913]

My mom is the only person who gives me so much anxiety that I can’t breath and I shake all over …. Any confrontation with her is so draining for me that I feel like I have no energy to get through the rest of the day. Narcissists are truly energy vampires like Self Care & Health! Just said …

[@Greeceismygoto]

Mine too! Had to go No Contact in February. Unfortunately, I’m older and I think as she ages too she gets worse. I wished I’d known this stuff along time ago.

[@nw0913]

@@Greeceismygoto after a year of no contact with my mom she messaged me that she got into an accident, she was luckily just fine, thank God. We only lasted 4 days of contact…. We got into an argument because of one question I asked her. She’s just always in victim mode and it’s so frustrating because she thinks everyone’s attacking her or purposefully doing things to her … I want her in my mom in my life but not the drama she brings so I’ve learned to cope with not having her at all in my life … it’s just better for me and my family.

[@Greeceismygoto]

@@nw0913 yes, I totally understand where you are coming from. It’s the same way with my mom, except she makes my anxiety horrible and then doesn’t understand why I’m not in a good mood. Sometimes she will call 15 times a day! I just fill some sort of void for her. I don’t think she can sit still or quiet. I tried not to answer the phone but she will keep calling. Then she will ask me where I was and what I was doing! I can’t take it. I too would like her in my life a little bit, but it just can’t be that way unfortunately!

[@CyanidePusher]

I watched your channel a lot when i disengaged with my mother and that was greatly helpful, informative and comforting at that time; recently upon restumbling on your channel has really helped me to come to terms with closing the chapter with a narcissistic best friend. Every single thing you say it's like DING! DING! DING! 🔔 I feel ashamed to have fallen for it twice, but I'm really taking this time to try to heal and focus on not only learning how to only accept better friends, but also how to be a better friend, to others and myself. Thank you for sharing all of these videos and teaching these subjects ❤️

[@mayberry8620]

I’m still shocked I am not evil, as I swore to not become them. Although I have had awful relationships. I did lose my mind, until I learned about gaslighting. Now I understand more and also am excited I can change my behaviors. I thought people just knew things, I had never been allowed to learn anything. They blocked me from ever getting to do anything and if I did do well my Mom would tell me she could still do it better.

[@carolzappa1804]

Oh my gosh. I am so glad you brought up the "smear campaign" topic. This has actually happened to me with 2 of my jobs and with many of my own family members. I really thought I was losing my mind. I started to believe the things they were saying about and against me.....afterall, if That Many people were doing these things, and bad mouthing me, my personality, my work ethic and performance, my beliefs and values and standards etc., "how could All of them be wrong?" It was just like being in the Twilight Zone, as you said. I knew I was not the person, doing the things they said I was doing, yet somehow they All began to jump on board with the narrative, even those whom I so loved and trusted. It's heart shattering, not only because you are so hurt by the blatantly false things done and said against you, and the loss of good employment positions; but also because of the loss of these "family and friends" you have so much history with, who know you so well...or so you thought. It's a devastatingly crushing betrayal. Just hearing you talk about this as being an actual thing or method of narcissistic personalities gives me Such Hope for my recovery! I really am Not "alone"!❤

[@dona9148]

I revisited many days of my childhood and much of adult life during this video - in both family and work situations - painful but I feel seen in your words - thank you 😍

[@bioscienceacademy4142]

Even an unemployed narcissist will nag their partners about the most frivolous things: every speck of dust on the floor, every time they had to fold a load of laundry, every dish and spoon that wasn't put in that dishwasher before the partner left for work. They are so lucky to have a partner that can maintain a good and clean home full of modern appliances that make these tasks virtually effortless, and yet they will sulk on the coach when the partner comes in from work--and the guilt tripping and passive aggression commences.

[@craigedeane2023]

I listen to lots of these and they are so true. The traits she explains are my ex down to a T. This woman is amazing at her work.

[@sara-xc8lt]

For me she is the Top 1 about these abuses, 47 years between these disorders and I have not found anyone so accurate in describing them.

[@lsmitz-jt2iw]

Thank you Dr Ramani, your videos make sense of so much chaos. I used to think it was me but thanks to you I know my vulnerable narc has selective memory. Its absolutely intentional.

[@groovymovie84]

I've been in the process of removing all toxic narc people in my life...and they all have different qualities so it's hard to tell. I sometimes doubt myself and think I've become too sensitive/start blaming myself. It's also become a more lonely time in my life. I didn't realize how many toxic people I knew. Of course, many of these were exes that wanted to stay friends or "party" friends which covered the signs because we were having fun. But now, I've thrown my hands up. For instance, an ex has texted me a lot and finds some way to start an argument. When I say, "I notice what you are doing," they flip out and say "I'm done with you! You're pathetic!" A month later they start texting again. Another old "friend" who I've known since we were kids, invited me to hang out at a house that I didn't know anyone. She said she was coming but never showed up. The people were creepy and somehow I ended up being drugged. I thought she would apologize for not being there, but instead she said "it's your fault. You shouldn't take drinks from someone you don't know. It's not a good look for me with those friends." I feel drained from so many of these people...literally exhausted physically because I'm trying not to ruminate.

[@catumiriparvum9178]

If you ever want to see how not-forgetful the narcissist actually is, start describing the abuse to them while they deny memory of it. Then start exaggerating, embellishing, and adding things to it they didn’t actually do. The memory recovery in order to correct you will be remarkable.

[@Kennykibble]

I listen to you when I am being terrorised by my narcissistic ex. She is the mother to my child and is, 5 years later, still making my life a misery. Thanks for giving me some sanity back ❤

[@Bike4Life231]

I'm so sorry you're still going through this. I'm in the middle of a divorce with mine and I am just praying I get some relief after this is all over. Trying for primary custody to protect my kids from any further abuse. It's been hell. But I'm thankful for people like Dr. Ramani like you said... to her us keep a bit of our sanity and understand what's happening.

[@Kennykibble]

@@Bike4Life231 I'm sorry you are too - much love, and good luck ❤️

[@brianjarrard869]

Me too brother

[@pbird1638]

I love you Dr. Ramani, thank you for your content to help us heal. Thank you for looking out for the underdog. Take care

[@Timebend2025]

Smear campaign at wirk at Attica Prison was unreal....its hard to put into words. Thank you Dr. Ramani you are saving minds hearts and lives.....

[@aatt3209]

When I hear someone says "Must be nice that......." I also hear a sense of self-pity and emotional weakness. Somehow they feel life has mistreated them and you are part of the causes of their suffering.

[@Subspace._tripmine]

A couple of months back I asked the question about the differences or commonalities between memory loss in Narcissism and Dementia. Listening to this video I understand that it is different. It sucks to know then that my mother went from being narcissistic and then into Dimentia. I guess I was trying to see if maybe she just had early signs of Dimentia. I could be more compassionate to that. But to know she was Narcissistic and then went into Dimentia, I cant say I have good memories of my mother. She was a grump, a forgetful gaslighting grump.

[@Theresa-Lottodo]

As a child, my partner was physically abused by his mother. As an adult, he tried to confront her about it. She played the victim and denied it, accusing him of trying to demonise her, when she had such a lot of stress with him, when he was a child.

[@sandralynnsparks3468]

There has been a breakthrough in my situation here. My niece owns the home I live in, and I am dependent on her. My niece's narcissist boyfriend has always had a bizarre way of tempting me to say something with little drops of weird comments, that I finally learned not to respond to unless I couldn't help it. "I'm leaving for work, you can beat her now." "I won't stand for saltless butter in this house!" (My butter, not his house) or just walking by and making weird gestures or faces. Many different childish things. If I fell for it, he basically ran to her with a "Mommy! Mommy! She's being mean to me!" routine with which he used to steamroll her as he gaslit me. He successfully got her to threaten me with eviction by June 1st. But - he really is a child in his late 50s. In the state I live in, most states really, there is no way to evict someone who is a family member who is not a tenant. Eviction aside, there is no legal way to kick out an elder dependent (age of elder different in different states), period. That's negligence, and abandonment. I'm of sound mind and she does not have guardianship. He pulled one too many "Mommy Mommies" this week, and I was able to get evidence on tape. I already have documents as to his behavior in the past. So the legal work begins. I qualify for legal aid. He does not. Wish me luck.

[@deadparrot5953]

Good luck!

[@LPoppy2023]

when I get the “must be nice “statement-I feel real comfortable saying “it sure was”all the while with a sincere smile on my face🥰