WHY THE INFJ BREAKS EGOS WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

[@Wenzes]

Have you been in situations where people were crushed by you although you had no such intentions?

[@phunkyfootprint]

This behaviour i have got down to an absolute double T! I usually will drag it out forever rather than crush the other but the resentment will be sky high, plus i t'll leave me not knowing who i am anymore. Soo tiring too.

[@areyoukidding15]

It sucks when others are so insecure that they are feeling threatened by your fledgling competency. I have done this so many times that now I refuse to accept positions subordinate to anyone who might feel they are in competition with me or aren’t truly absolutely subject matter experts. Saves us both a lot of time and unnecessary heartache.

[@HuyTran]

Thanks for putting this one out Wenzes, it definitely is true. Hm... there is so much to keep rediscovering, reframing, and "re-understanding".

[@riomyself2438]

It happens everytime !

[@MegaCyberleader]

Lol..

[@colonelgraff9198]

INFJs break egos, hearts, stereotypes, expectations and barriers. We break everything.

[@BajanBeauty090]

This

[@derda1304]

but we can also heal some hearts

[@lovelydee9696]

Yess!

[@rocklee7216]

Lol

[@starsaligneddino]

Yasss. 😎

[@TejubescDM]

It's like we are the kind people who don't like to brag or overshare, so when people realize we actually have our own life and boundaries and we are not here to be their cheerleader and people pleaser, they get shocked and offended. And I am learning it's okay. No matter what you do, it's gonna offend somebody.

[@HaleyMary]

Yes! There have been many times where people have realized that I don't want to hang out late at night for karaoke or go for a run at 2 in the morning and they look at me like I'm the crazy one for wanting my own life and wanting to go to sleep at a decent time, like around midnight in my books. I feel like the more real and honest I am with people, the less friends I have. I guess that just shows who my true friends are and who is just there when it's convenient for them.

[@LidiaWidya]

Wow, and I thought I was alone ❤️👍

[@donpet2312]

U just explained my life

[@WayneZalinksy]

@@HaleyMary yea because you turn down opportunities to form those connections. When you say they look at you crazy for “wanting your own life” that sounds very singular, not inclusive. You can have your own life, but you probably will have less friends if you don’t have time for anyone else because of your sleep schedule. There are plenty of people who like to hang out in the day time too. But your attitude does make you sound a bit dull, closed minded, and sanctimonious. Not necessarily rude.

[@nolabelz]

I definitely agree with this. It's like no matter what I do or say, it's offensive.

[@ashleylarsen5294]

This sounds like the evolution many INFJs go through from being the empath to sigma. For so many years and relationships I put aside my authentic self to people please and make others comfortable. It was only after many years later I would get fed up and speak my truth and end up losing those people anyway. They just wanted to energy dump onto me and I took it instead of saying “that’s not smart.” I chose to appease them and pour so much wisdom and solution in a kind manner that fell on deaf ears. As the Bible says, don’t throw pearls at swine. I would’ve saved myself so much frustration and heartache if I just spoke up in a direct manner from the beginning. I had to learn and now refuse to put aside my truth. Take it or leave it. Power of the Sigma!

[@lowellmiller6663]

"Not showing anything" is a primitive survival instinct for me. It's a jungle out there for a sensitive feeler. I grew up in a social group that was very harsh with judgment, criticism, shame, and rejection, and it was a feeble means of escape. Isolation is also God's gift to the infj and I use it heavily.

[@gamergenesis4238]

Especially with a world filled with narcissist

[@howtobeautybymj]

So true

[@gamergenesis4238]

@@TejubescDM and it's not like you want to feel the need to be 24/7 strong but God forbid a moment of weakness shows because that's when they flock with their narcissism an persecution occurs

[@derda1304]

so true. but we have to get out of this "survival mode" it was important in early family-life and especially in school. (from time to time you should thank your younger self for surviving) But as you get older... you have the control over who you let in your life. I think this is one of the most important steps in creating our "superlife": getting from "surviving" to "living" But yeah.... those f..ing narcos. we are a magnet to them. try to reframe it: those narcos are so weak, we can induce an existential crisis in them by simply existing. thats power.

[@setareh8570]

"Isolation is also God's gift to the INFJ" I like that! thank you for making my day :) , Funny thing is when I hear any guidance from above I act like "adam & eve" run away and hide behind a tree LOL

[@proper.role.model.819]

People think we are the weakest, loneliest people who know nothing and people try to play us but we beat them at their own game, and its intimidating so we scare people off.

[@Jackie1111]

Exactly

[@HzFvr]

I love it when someone underestimates me.

[@Coneman3]

I went from desperately caring what others thought about me to not caring at all, except for those I respect and care for.

[@graciegracie9187]

I'm an older INFJ and have learned this lesson. I willingly pay the price to express myself. I really like who I am. Thank you.

[@margaretbaham9827]

Same!!!

[@jameswalker7516]

As an older guy, I have come to realize that I am not an INTJ after all. I took the MB test several times over the past 20 years and always scored as an INTJ. The last test I took I scored as an INFJ. Perhaps I am being more honest with myself now that I am older. But I can look back through my life now at all the people who question my successes and blessings as though they think, how could that happen to him, he is so quiet and non-assertive. And I guess it’s like, my life became better as I began to accept myself for who I am and not overly try to be the sports buff or the great sales guy or ladies man, which quite frankly were not and still are not natural for me.

[@TyStar10]

Agreed!

[@x-man5056]

GOLD!

[@cooganbeggs4942]

Start focusing on yourself more and less on the people around you and watch how quickly they all disappear! Whoever is left ...they were your true friends all along 👍

[@maaiker2977]

There is a downside for the infj as well. I am REALLY good at communicating with people....being understanding, seeing it from their pov...fixing their problems by giving them another way of looking at their problem. I just wanna help people and be nice. But if you make a guy feel heard,his opinion valued and his feelings/fears understood......a lot of the times they end up with a crush on you cause you fulfill something that was lacking in their life (especially if they have mommy issues). And its 100% unintentional from the infj's pov. Now as a mature INFJ I know this....and I know my role in this. But before it was just plain annoying. I'm just being nice and you blink once and all of a sudden you have this love sick puppy glued to your @$$ and you don't know how that happened cause "I'm just being nice d@mn it, I'm not even flirting or anything, how did this happen?!". It used to annoy the h€ll out of me cause that would leave me having to crush his little heart while all I wanted to do was be nice to the guy. But there is 0% chance I'd date them cause they aren't really in love with me....I have said NOTHING about myself (like I would let my guard down that easily🙄). They don't know anything about me. They just fabricated a picture of me purely based on who they want me to be. The second reality doesn't match their fantasy I'll get my heart broken so....no thank you. Its h€ll on the lovelife.

[@derda1304]

works for male infj's in a similar way i'm not in love with every woman i talk to... sorry but im not that cheap^^ sometimes, believe it or not, i just want to be friends...

[@maaiker2977]

@@derda1304 exactly. And then you have the effect that has on others. I had other girls in school hate me for it thinking I am stuck up thinking I am too good for the guys or something. When in reality I was a shy introverted girl.....thinking I am better than was the last thing I was thinking.

[@khxliakhxlia3605]

"They just fabricate a picture of me purely based on who they want me to be." Same argg hate that

[@maaiker2977]

@@khxliakhxlia3605 I am starting to think its a matter of perspective. Instead of surten aspects being the infj's curse...it can also be our greatest gift if we use it properly and are aware of the things we do on autopilot. The infj is a social chameleon thanks to Fe. * we have build in camouflage and people just don't see us: pro - safety. Con - kinda makes people ignore us. * we mirror because of Fe. We adjust our mood to the people we see. Thats why they create an image of us when we haven't even told them nothing.... they like us cause we mirror them...they like themselves. Thats also the reason why surten people instantly hate us when we haven't even spoken to them....they hate themselves. The infj isn't aware we do this but its kinda an untapped ability if you think about it.

[@noviaang2070]

Omg I feel so related to this

[@AugustAdvice]

I cannot tell you the amount of times I have "hollowed" myself out for the men I dated in order to make them more comfortable around me, while sacrificing my own comfort. Its exhausting. Never again.

[@galaxylucia1898]

Yeah… definitely not worth it. Hope the next time around, you just be yourself to weed out the B.S. from the get go.

[@GG-rk1bu]

Lord! I have done this too. It's put me of men for 6 yrs. I know there are good ones out there - I'm just not sure I'm interested in having one.

[@ythatesfacts]

I think if people were handed a book of nearly everything a typical INFJ who knows about the individual they would probably be shocked at the amount of stuff we keep hidden. Both disturbing and loving.

[@jwill9877]

The disturbing part is why I would never want to be with a woman with my personality type

[@sp3g56]

@@jwill9877 Really?? Now I’m even more curious to meet a guy INFJ. Cause I want to know what’s going on in your mind that’s disturbing. Lol

[@jwill9877]

@@sp3g56 Im INTJ but got it mixed up with this one. It's nothing illegal or anything that will wind a person up in jail. Basically if you wrong me or my family, I will get you back on very deep psychological level.

[@christianjohnson2562]

@@jwill9877 yes. Smae here

[@christianjohnson2562]

and I can put on an innocent persona so easily who little ole me? I didn’t mean it like thattt!😂😂😂

[@LL-muddy1]

As a young INFJ I'd keep my opinions to myself to not upset the other person or shake their ideologies. As I matured and gained confidence, I began to speak my mind & was shocked by how many people couldn't handle it and then attempted to gaslight. It's took a while to understand what was happening, but now I know those who accept me for who I am will stay and those who can't handle it gaslight/leave. It's actually a much healthier life for an INFJ to live. INFJs don't be afraid to speak your mind for fear of upsetting someone. Most INFJs attempt to say things with care and grace & it's up to the other person to hear you or not.

[@YAMISOOLD2009]

I was the same as you about that. Everyone seemed to like me because I never made any waves by telling people my opinions or beliefs. I thought of myself as a detached observer. If I got close to someone then I might share an opinion or two but never to the point of argument. But just like Wenzes said, this eventually leads to resentment on my part and usually my departure from the relationship. And just like you, when I DID open my mouth and explain how I felt about something or took a stand on something, people around me then perceived me as argumentative or contrarian or in some other way were shocked by me. So we essentially go out of our way to "not be abandoned" by others and ultimately end up in that situation anyway by trying to "go along to get along". I now am no longer interested in losing myself to go along with a crowd or a person.

[@blahaaaaaaan]

Yep...people are not a fan of our minds when it is not for their designs or needs. Get use to it!

[@ChillyIllie]

👍

[@Rasheens-Story]

I did this once to a dr before in the past because he was so rude to me so I mirrors back his behavior. He didn’t like it but it was ok when he was rude to me

[@lisatowe778]

As an INFJ, I rarely abuse the things I intuit about other people. And never in emotional anger or hurt. If I use anything at all it is a truth bomb that doesn’t regard feeling of any kind because it’s facts that matter.

[@christianjohnson2562]

@Cedriana Parker facts of life, and then they just look at you like how in the absolute fuck did you know that and try to cover it up like no that’s not what’s happening and try make you seem like your over assuming, after this video I not know I was just seeing through the illusion they were tryna put on and called them out on it and they’re ego took over and defended itself lol

[@jodifaber5722]

Same

[@x-man5056]

I get you, you lower the impact, the intensity. The problem is, if you temper/cencor yourself too much, your real message can get lost.

[@krishall3187]

We keep it real. That kills egos

[@SFA985]

Well put

[@Betscu.]

This, what you explained is the way to find right people to one's life. No more people pleasing, but authenticity.

[@lindateuling7862]

For sure

[@nolabelz]

Agreed.

[@speciallion1135]

I’m too authentic, which makes people run away, hugging their egos.

[@aaronfischer9885]

I remember before I called off my wedding, thinking about bringing together my group of groomsmen. That was going to be a volatile event. I was the sidekick to a variety of dominant personalities at the time. I have since come into my own strengths, after a decade of isolation and reflection. I am my own super hero now. The creator of this channel puts out a quality product. Appreciate your content.

[@YAMISOOLD2009]

I completely relate!

[@jasminemartinezcastillo4613]

As an INFJ I have been caught in this perpetual dilemma where I go searching for people that can match my energy completely yet they can only match one side of me. This is what I want most in my life. Someone who I can show all my sides to.

[@anthonyr6286]

I'm just realizing this as well. Incredible feeling. I often think about past relationships and what I could of or should of done to make it work. But it never would have. That other side was never being fulfilled. A lot of mental weight lifted 🤯

[@fazzaustralia8932]

I guess this is where we are the true mirror-imagers. I've been doing this all my life without realisng it and not giving anything away. Only showing people what I want them to see, but in reality they know very little about me. Easy to see how we end up in one sided relationships by default. I don't think we can ever really stop this...

[@Groovytunes96]

oh god I hope we can stop this! No one really knows who I am not even my family! and it messes with my head that every person we know has a different version of who they think we are.. with none of them knowing much at all and probably never will.. People would poop their pants if I just came out and was me, not even sure I know how 😳. should be on my bucket list; be authentically me before I die 😬

[@silverlemniscate]

What I found very effective was placing boundaries on myself, with an insatiable curiousity it was necessary to place a boundary of, beyond this line is none of your business, and strickly enforce that boundary on myself. As an INFJ I have great respect for boundaries and respected my secret ones. I also made a habit of correcting myself to whomever I was speaking to and saying, what I just said isn't entirely the truth and would then be authentic and sincere, I was cured from wearing a mask by just a few encounters like this. We must master the power we have been born with, it has a purpose and when it is needed, we know how to use it to accomplish the best outcome rather than a nuke crater. Much love to my INFJ kin

[@Agynessdin]

We break ILLUSIONS, and ppl are used to identify themselves with those

[@mr.goodwrench8273]

Have I been in situations where people were crushed by me although I had no such intentions? Yes. It was mainly because I had revealed the truth that cares about no one's feelings. Truth that has always been there in which was avoided and replaced with falsehoods that made it easier for others to do wrong. When I have spoken up about it boldly, yet professionally, I have found that I had said the things that others were feeling, yet they were fearful of repercussions and such. I am not. I don't intend on "crushing" others. I just want to point out, "This is the truth, and the process should change for the better". There's an old saying " If it hurts when you do that, then don't do that".

[@theresefournier3269]

That is a great way to be! ❤️🔥💯💐

[@pgbergeron5569]

Being an INFJ myself I've honestly never noticed this... or cared. People can either treat me like I treat them or they simply become irrelevant.

[@burnoutrelief1850]

This is enmeshment ( many infj's learn to enmesh with other to stay safe but at the cost of themselves) We must learn in our journey to have boundaries. We are co-dependents and we need to heal ( not all but many)

[@burnoutrelief1850]

I know this is a journey for me and I think it is hard to admit but when we can admit this to ourselves that I think many infj's had enmeshment trauma growing up and need to heal to change these patterns. This can be a long journey but I think the more we are able to admit this to ourselves and find groups and therapists to support our healing and validate what we have been through we can change and experience healthy connection with others not co-dependency our need to enmesh with others can stop and we can realize true relationship is give and take of 2 fully developed selves.

[@LifeinLondonON]

Wow again so confirming to my journey. I found out I am an INFJ about 6 months ago. I discovered it through my desire to only have people in my life who want to be in my life as much as I want them in mine. I have spent my 53 years fitting into other people’s worlds and never learned that filling my life with me is ok. I have paired my world of connections back to a precious few. It is an adjustment almost like a withdrawal from the drug of being a people pleaser. However, I am now understanding me and each time someone doesn’t stay in my life it gets easier.

[@DesertMoon]

"Filling my life with me" is great! I've been looking at it as giving myself all the love, kindness, peace and generosity that NO one else can give me.

[@YAMISOOLD2009]

I hear you because I am about 3 years older and have spent my life the same way. But now I am doing my best to quite the people pleaser phase and be accepting of myself and the things I like and love. More power to you!

[@sherry876]

For me it’s about feeling out who I can trust and learning boundaries. I used to overshare and now I am very protective of myself. I will attempt to share with some people and I have been gaslit and coerced so many times it’s ridiculous. Once I see someone for who they are, if it’s not good, I will door slam. Part of the reason the door slam exists is as a form of protection, because if I don’t door slam I will keep giving them another chance to show they are a decent human being and they have already shown me who they are. I will be opening myself up to be hurt repeatedly. I just had this happen so it’s pretty fresh for me. Luckily I have close friends who I trust and I am transparent with them.

[@areyoukidding15]

Wenzes hitting it out of the park again. I wish I had this video 15 years ago. I had to learn this the hard way in my professional life.

[@lifeandwhatnot]

That whole thing about not combining friends is so spot on!!! But as I've gotten older I've become unafraid to be me and show more of myself so now I can combine my closest friends. But still I do get anxiety about it when new people come into my life.

[@YAMISOOLD2009]

I only did the combining aspects of my life once...at my wedding. I invited people from my family, my church, and my work. I wasn't a drinker at that time of my life but I believe the whole event was so stressful that I disassociated that day. My wife remembers the whole affair in great detail 31 years later but I quite honestly only remember with any vividness the moment our reception was over and I changed clothes and got in the car with my new wife and left the venue!

[@mykulpierce]

This happens in work environments all the time when it involves bad actors trying to force their way up the workplace social ladder at the expense of others. I'm very much problem resolution focused and have very little wiggle room with HR violations that make other people's experience at work a miserable one. I keep getting told that, "its all work places." The more I hear that the more I know my destiny will be in being self employed at some point. I was taught a great small talk technique from someone with severe ADHD that has helped me as an INFJ / Possible Asperger spectrum: Asking questions that get the other person to talk about things important to them. This works so well in that I can just absorb information that's actually important to the individual and help them feel validated while allowing me to hang in my observer mode. What's hard, but helps build relationships of trust, is pumping the brakes on my own desire to word vomit those observations. Its good to have someone to confide in, or take time to write observations down, I find this has a similar cathartic effect.

[@qazedc3]

Thanks for sharing! You worded what was slowly emerging in my awareness. I need to not overdo my self and cross boundaries aka giving too much where I'm not needed or warranted until I know that the person likes me for me. It's definitely the people pleaser urge lol cause we know once we validate the person it makes them like us automatically. BUT that's what attracts and keeps around the narcissists. No thanks I'd rather come off as more cold now, see what the other person has to offer to me first. It's about the careful slow and steady give and take balance I think.

[@YAMISOOLD2009]

I understand everything you wrote Michael. I learned about the asking questions method pretty early on and it worked wonderfully for me when I was in any social situation. Never had to talk much about myself and risk judgement so I just learned about them. In my case I would come home and vomit all my observations to either my wife or a phone call to my dad.

[@christianjohnson2562]

Aspergurs is you being you and other ppl not innerstanding so they try to label you for their one egos sake. According to your personality your exactly who you’re supposed to be, done deal. Combing from an INFJ that thought he had ADHD just cuz he couldn’t focus on anything he didn’t give a single solitary fuck about.

[@bobyk87]

I became a confident introvert, but that was a slow evolution. Challenging myself in many ways, trying to fit a girl's interests, looking for a job, etc. In the end I foud out I was not so bad at all to enter some new group, and try to relate with people, provided there are some basic interests, connecting points. I found out I enjoy seeing how different people react and deal with challenges, difficulties, always in hope to learn some new traits, views, from those I find along my way. We got to get out of the comfort zone every now and then. But as you say if we think we were played or dealt with unfairly, we can be drastic, or just leave for nevermore without even a talk. Great content.

[@meeshchief8416]

I fully believe that, by simply holding strong on my boundaries during conflict when people are trying to manipulate me, I trigger tower moments, dark night of the soul, ego death, whatever you see fit to call it. When they realize their usual tactics don't work they are forced to reevaluate and reflect, or run away and are a step closer to entering that state. It has happened before that there is conflict, I set a boundary, they choose to run and years later the person comes back around and tells me how impactful I was once they've done some work. Like you said, we are mirrors.

[@talonthorn]

Yeah, I'm a little late to the party, but you have it right... you need to have a base that is you. I've been "blessed" in finding my base early in life--I was so alienated by my peers as a kid, I had to do this just to survive! An INFJ base needs to be something that you are completely content with regardless of the fall out it may cause, or friends it may push away. As long as you accept yourself in this base area, you become invulnerable. You learn that if they can't accept you then they aren't really worth being your friends. And the best thing is, an INFJ rarely ever turns another away. It is almost always the other person turning away from the INFJ.

[@bzedman]

I think of myself as simply curious about other people's lives. I've just accepted that many people are not this way, and simply want to make themselves known to someone.

[@vidit3849]

OMG! This happened to me a while back. After many years of being away from ambulance work, I decided I wanted to get my EMT license again to join a community emergency response group. One gentleman in the class made a comment about women's performance in the field and I countered with my own experience, not as a jab at him, but to add to the conversation at hand. The guy NEVER came back to class. My comment wasn't demeaning or snotty; it wasn't even directed at him. I was told by another fellow student that I was the reason he didn't come back. I was perplexed

[@KaraMichelle]

Wow this resonates so much!! This has led to some massive friendship “breakups” because I dishonoured myself to help them feel seen, safe and supported in their world.. but I never let them into mine so it didn’t feel like an equal energy exchange and I never felt safe!

[@yuugaouzuki18]

"I really like who I am and who I'm becoming." Thank you, Wenzes.

[@imnedmonton]

I have difficulty regulating when someone is lying. I've turned into a monster over this form of insult. Monsters are not attractive; so, now I either walk away or think about my grandchildren or the Dalai Lama (not kidding). Love the INFJ tribe you created, Wenzes. Stay safe and be well. ♥

[@nastyasch6680]

Around half of a year or so I literally went through this kind of resentment. Thankfully, I didn't hurt that friend of mine. The thing is that I was so invested in her life, hobbies and stuff, that at some point when she got a boyfriend thus tried to set some boundaries to have privacy, I was deeply hurt. Moreover, it took me a couple of years to just see the issue and what shocked me even more is that I understood that the huge part of what I considered to be me was actually hers, her thoughts/ philosophy/ goals/ plans for life and etc. Like I put her first to that extent that I didn't understand anymore where was I 😬. And the reason why I felt so resentful was that there was a number of situation where I would sacrifice myself, but I didn't felt it back, like it never was about me. I rarely if ever let this to be about me, so yeah, healthy boundaries are must have 😅

[@zoraizahmad]

You are literally explaining who i'm right now and what is happening with me.

[@Sojourner1981]

Wow, this was eye opening, and something I entirely resonate with. Being the social chameleon, while feeling like I am not being my true self with the people in my life. Thank you!

[@JadeNichelle]

Ahhhh how are you in my head!!!?!? Lol I've never heard of a more accurate explanation of my experience 😲

[@mhellyqlique8601]

I can truly relate with this. But as I kept fighting for my own space,I realised there’s not much left for others to fill. ;I’ve stopped being loyal to friends and people who don’t deserve it. ;I’m able to speak up and stress on what I want. ;I believe most of these changes come as you age. 😇Glad hearing what you said From 15:00 -15:20 “I like who I am and who I am becoming “

[@starsaligneddino]

I believe in the quote "you can't make an omelet without breaking an egg" Sometimes being harsh in a certain degree is neccessary to create boundaries and make some people understand. It's a difficult but essential practice for naturally polite and caring peeps like INFJs.

[@cassiebennet4262]

I discovered this unkown unintentional ability at work when I was 37. I unknowingly unmasked a psychopath just by existing. She flew into a narcissistic rage at work. I didn't know much about narcissism before that experience. I'm a basically an expert now.

[@mollygreenwood1738]

Psychopathy =\ narcissism The two do not equal each other

[@ducksonarock]

The statement at 8:34 hit me like a slap in the face. I have friends I've know for years who don't know what my life is like when I'm not with them.

[@gitodo2692]

Deep on so many levels We downplay our strengths and shine to accommodate others

[@lindateuling7862]

Super video, Wenzes! The biggest challenge for me in my pre-Myers-Briggs days, was hearing people complain, "I can't figure you out!" After listening to this video, I now better understand why. I remember many similar situations to what you're describing here, and I hear what you're saying about your reluctance to finally fight back. I was often afraid that (a) I might not be able to do it ... or ... (b) I might be "too" able to do it, and actually come across stronger than II realized, and end up saying things I'd regret later - as you said, a person who hurts people. Your decision to have a "base" that you won't change or shift for anybody made me think of other videos where you've also explained "boundaries" - I'm sure that this "base" has played a big part to play in your ability to set good, rational ones

[@amyj.4992]

Trauma and trusted expertise is the best teacher. Too my unreliable opinions out here trying to keep you trapped in lower timelines

[@amyj.4992]

I had no idea that bursting narcissists bubble could be an enjoyable hobby 🥰

[@sarahsmith9766]

I completely became my friends mother out of empathy for her past traumas and never said what I truly thought about her and hide parts of me I had shared and she judged. She was very toxic with alcohol and confrontational. Her arrogance with money and being rude to service people rubbed me wrong. I built resentment of over giving myself to please comfort and avoid conflict. The relationship ended in a huge blowout. I vowed to never sacrifice myself for anyone and don’t care if that means they get hurt feelings or I end up alone. I had shared myself with this person and got judgement/shaming. I intend to make friends that can hold space for differences and still love me. People say they do but they truly deep down still judge and treat your differently, especially when it comes to values. Im still conflicted on how authentic to be

[@nyneeveanya8861]

Love this video. Took me a long time to understand this about myself. I have one friend that I’ve had since my teens. We both know what we like about each other and don’t like. The things we like we do together and the things we like that the other doesn’t is fine we just do those things with others. And if we go somewhere and sense the other is uncomfortable for whatever reason we leave, mostly together but occasionally separately. Hope every INFJ is as lucky to find an extrovert like her. She broadens my life and I give her a calm safe place.

[@TruthvsLies5050]

I really like your videos and your red hair! I was a full read head as a child but it changed to black, Red Heads 2%. My hazel eyes 5% and INfJ 1%-2%. I also like your videos I find it interesting such as everything else, but I already know 😂 naturally just like to hear it!😊 I always geared my intuition towards being a Pisces, but am 41 now and just this fall semester in one of my communication/journalism classes I learned of this due to a self assessment test, and I am an INFJ/A. Once I learned about it, I felt shocked how accurate it all matched!

[@lisaray9582]

I have broken relationships that meant a lot to me with one sentence, too many times in my past. It hurt me greatly. Have been growing in this area in recent years and it feels so empowering, even though there is some sadness at the loss of deeply knowing someone. Now I have a life too. I am worth investing in. The cost is worth the benefit. Thank you for what you do, Wenzes. :)

[@MuMu-fu7qe]

This hits home right now.

[@dee-lightt8997]

I know who I am. I know what I want. I learned not to settle or compromise as a teen. It just doesn't turn out well for the other person. Then they blame me when they were the one saying, "Give me a chance."

[@Iherdit2day]

Yup, been there many times. I was miserable and knew I am here for a purpose but sort of moved through life reserved. After I discovered I am INFJ, it,s like the universe handed me the manual I should've got in the womb 🤨 I told the last person I was helping, "It's time to go, this is your dream, not mine. I love you but I have to find me." The best thing I have ever done in my entire life 😁

[@angelahelmreich7725]

Yessss I've never realised my growth until I started speaking up in my truth. I didn't know this was a common struggle as an INFJ, I actually haven't looked into it enough. I just once did the test and wondered why there wasn't much info on my type so this is really awesome information 👏 thank you x

[@erinsjourney315]

Thank you 🙏. You’ve beautifully encapsulated what happens with me romantic relationships; I don’t do this with regular friendships. In my case I wouldn’t classify it as breaking egos. As you said I become so saturated with the other person (which is genuine) that I become unable to manage the negative (as invariably all relationships encounter). That negative eats away because I’m unable to address it. I feel if I do, it will show that I’m not inline with them and if I disagree with (insert issue) and they will walk away. The stress of it quite literally makes me ill and builds up deep resentment. I LOVE how you state that we need to invest in forming who we are as an individual and cement that in place in order to protect us from that over saturation of the other person.

[@natsjacqueline1416]

I'm in this situation right now , asking myself why all men I've been dating reach a time and see me as a cheap person. At first things go well but in middle, they start using me , being arrogant, disrespectful, manipulation. I was like why people always misunderstood me . It's so exhausting 😩.Am an easy going person, I can even wake up in the night and give someone a help . But people keep on bad things to me ,so hunting

[@Jackie1111]

That sounds very familiar. Glad I finally realized this because in the future im not going to allow that

[@SantiagoAPiano]

this is the most accurate and relatable video for me i have ever seen

[@lili_o_losa]

Phew. Thank you for breaking this down. I am living a new life post divorce and I want to attract people who know and like me now. And you specified exactly how to get this 🙏🏽

[@fictionwriter24]

Hi, How did you get through your divorce as an INFJ. I'm separated from my husband and we are on our way to divorce. Do you have any tips?

[@lili_o_losa]

@@fictionwriter24 depending on the power dynamic of your relationship. For me, he has more power and had top narc traits. I hired a lawyer and made my moves in silent. I removed my emotions completely because switched to survival mode. Once my mind was made up, I knew I had to be strategic so that I can secure my future and not have been married in vain. Mind you, we were married for 11 years and once success was in the picture, I was gradually being devalued and discarded behind closed doors. That's why I left and blocked him and everyone (friends and family) that I made friends with for the duration of that marriage. I hope this helped.

[@lili_o_losa]

@@fictionwriter24 Its been 9 months since I filed, and I've been in isolation mostly. Listening to a lot of KZbin, attending a different and smaller church that focuses on doctrine, got gym membership, hired a life coach that focuses on cognitive brain therapy, booked some solo trips, reorganizing my environment, and a lot more I can't think of right now

[@sulusu4812]

Alot of the comments are missing the point of what you're discussing - making ourselves vulnerable, being authentic & strong, not codependent ect. Thanks for talking about our weaknesses to turn into strengths.

[@theinfjgoyim5508]

You know, for someone who now, wasn't always this way, has no one around and certainly no one understands. Just listening to these/your vids is like getting high lol. It is really nice and produces a very nice feeling. Much appreciated! You have made my day better for sure.

[@howtobeautybymj]

That's why I avoid people 😂

[@kellycrawford4145]

What you said about the emotional high of diving into someone elses life resonated with my dating history. I never had a "type". I've dated a very diverse group. Admittedly its a small group but none are similar in looks, lifestyle, careers...

[@Brutaga]

Ohh heaven’s… events that happened several years ago, now make complete sense ♥️

[@shedragonrider]

I played the Role for 45 years, I know exactly what you mean. Thank you for these videos, so helpful to put words to the feelings

[@shiela6593]

Hello Wenzes. Just found out that I'm an INFJ just recently so I started researching. I'm grateful to have found your channel. You're very inspiring ans helpful. Thank you.

[@colejonathana]

This is brilliant insight. When I don’t show others what I know they won’t like about me, I am complicit in the eventual conflict because they never got to know the full me. Wow. Thanks very much for this.

[@SweetandSassyRedhead]

YESSSSS So good to hear I am not the alone. I am definitely the person who likes one on one. One time I went to lunch with a friend I adored and she brought her friend who was so obnoxious. I was really bummed out and annoyed.

[@shazzie4917]

Absolutely true!! Now I scratch the surface and back off when I’ve learnt as much as I can. I can easily get people to open up to me, and I relish in deepening my understanding of them and thrive on the knowledge of others. And yet.. they know nothing about me, unless I am ready to express more of myself. I used to crush my own spirit as well.

[@GothremenBhason]

I am very critical, and apparently many say I sometimes can be very intimidating, I can relate to this, we have the power to crush someone without even using slurs, our tongues can cut true through the soul.

[@HaleyMary]

The part of the video that asked how easy would it be to bring everyone together, that made me think of how a lot of my friends have opposing spiritual/religious views and sometimes differing political views that if all my friends were to meet, a lot would probably start to fight with one another. Heaven forbid I ever meet a guy and have a wedding. The wedding would turn into a brawl before any ceremony would even begin just from my family and friends having opposing religious/spiritual views. The Christians and atheists would be debating the Bible while the Bahais and spiritual agnostics and Jews would probably be drinking pop and dancing.

[@ajinn2821]

Wow I felt that this is also my life 😭😂😂

[@tonilevy9491]

WOW! This is crazy!! I’ve gone through a lifetime of heartbreak not understanding why or how?!!

[@joy_villa]

I'm SO glad i stumbled upon you! I'm binging all your videos, as an INFJ I found truth in this, 100%. I am CHOOSING ME now

[@winniewinkles]

God I trigger peoples egos in a demolishing kind of way all the time! Never mean to, just from being authentic, being real or having a real reaction to someones ego construct. Doh. Infj being an emotional mirror and all.

[@mashalahmad4705]

Idk but I am going throu this phase in my life, where I finally started to express myself and everyone around me has started to seeing me as a ghost. It's an overwhelming situation. The resentment inside me has builtup so much that I finally decided to distant myself from all those people and now they can't deal with them. I can feel it's more because of their hurt ego than their likeness for my love and attension.

[@ericdsid3718]

🤣 i completely understand what you're saying, i have also done this like my whole life but, the different is i still be my self when diving to the other person world. so yeah, i'm not changing behavior when meet one or other person. people pleasing is not really my thing. i see everyone as equal. it's just excite me that you can explain this. Hint for all INFJ : It is impossible to make everyone like us, accept and face it 🤣

[@Dani_Saurusrex]

Suddenly my life makes so much sense.

[@bethiciaprasek9415]

I learned I had this power early in life (late 20s, but also I think not as clearly earlier in life) and told myself to be careful with it. (The ability to hurt another person deeply without even trying.) It was a bit shocking, but obviously true. For a child and later as an adult it can be quite scary to realize you have that power. With great power comes great responsibility. Feigning ignorance of it was not an excuse for fighting back in a way that was disproportionate to the slight... But if you are aware of it then you can decide if/when it is appropriate to use. It isn't always a bad thing. If you aren't aware of it then you can really hurt people who you care about in deep and lasting ways they will never forget (or at least that you will never forget). Also I love bringing people together from different aspects of my life as long as I feel it will be beneficial to them. I have to prepare my energy level and keep it time bound, but I learn so much about myself and others by sitting back and watching the interactions. Of course I plan activities in case there is a lull in conversation, etc. but more often than not they aren't needed as I have paired up people/groups that have much in common but enough different to make it interesting (plus I include a few who are good at keeping things going if I need a break). The latest one was about a year ago (harder with COVID), but it was amazing how everything flowed. I didn't have to bring out my plans to keep things going or my backup plan to my backup plan!!! I felt I could have left for an hour and things would have kept going...what am I, chopped liver??? I had a bunch of white elephant gifts prepared that I later used for an event at work and I enjoyed that people I invited on a whim and didn't think would attend were also there. I was so glad to see the great natural flow. It doesn't always work that way, but I feel most times that most people are glad they attended my events or smaller gettogethers. And I enjoy analyzing how people interact. Plus, of course, the people themselves. My daughter is also an INFJ. She used to talk about her different friend groups in elementary/middle school and how she had to manage getting along with the popular people/cheerleaders, the nerds, etc. while they didn't like to interact with each other. (I had to home school her through high school due to illness which has since resolved itself.) Thanks Wenzes for pointing out this power of INFJs. I feel it is important to recognize this so we can use it in a positive manner and not in a negative way as a natural reflex to being hurt. It is easy to not know our power to inflict precision jabs at another person, but often we know just where to hit. Just some thoughts and experiences I have had related to the topic. It certainly hit a nerve.

[@dennywu5331]

Thank you for this video. So many things have been going on lately and I feel the need to change for better personal development. I had this friendship a year ago since I was trying my best to know everything about him (and I was really good at it). But then somehow this friendship got worse not in a hostile way but we just feel we were not friends anymore. I guess that's because I was trying to change myself(for personal growth) and show him my authentic side. The friendship got worse because of the fact that there are some true parts of me that he felt.. well... he disliked. And I was kind of sad and kept trying to find the remedy for this friendship till now. Now I realized that once you show people the true part of yourself there is a chance of them disliking (which is why I, as an INFJs, would always hide before I decide to change for personal growth). Now I know that was the price because I was prioritizing myself over others, so it is fine to do so and it is fine that he does not like you as he used to. So yeah, basically I think I should prioritize myself over other people more. Thank you for this video and for clarifying this.

[@cindymarie3573]

I agree we do show different sides of ourselves to each person.

[@ronwiles8237]

It's amazing how you hit the ball out of the park about infj's!! I've only known I'm an infj for a short while... and EVERYTHING you say hits home. It's very comforting to know I'm not completely crazy! And there's others like myself. Nit many! Hahaha but some. So I thank you!

[@brendaweltner9629]

Very valuable content in this video. Answers a lot of questions for me! God bless you, Wenzes!

[@ljsmooth69]

I have to say out of all the videos I've watched of this channel this has to be the best one so far that I've seen.

[@sandywright7554]

This is soooo on point... OMG! 🙈... I feel terrible... how deceptive of us! 🙈 Thank you for this invaluable insight!

[@rogergolbb2003]

Thank you. Being aware of my gifts happened around the age of reason. I spent my life not hiding who I was but doubling down when ever mis understood or excused for being direct and out of touch with trends or social direction. I know that I have benefited many people in my world travels simply by planting the right seed in their heads that would eventually germinate in the future and then I just continued My own journey down the Path of life. Being mis understood and unfairly judged by the “less in-tune”, became just a part of life that I accepted and never let that get in the way of being who I knew I was. I also had the added burden (curse) of possessing a high intelligence quotient so many people were even more avoidant of me so I adapted and chose to appear less fortunate so that more would listen to my “words of help” and improve their lives so I quit my 6 figure career and became an organic farmer to help my local community focused on orthomolecular and health. Now I was an old farmer and most people project and demonstrate attitudes toward me akin to being smarter, more successful and better than me. I then help them and they don’t even know it. I embrace their discrimination and judgement because it allows me to use my strengths, improve people lives and they think it is all their doing. Everyone benefits. I really sympathize with those INFJs who struggle with the acceptance and adaptation however, after watching a few of your videos, I believe that you are providing a benefit to our very small community of like minded. Keep helping! Everyone is different and that is a good thing. Enjoy the journey

[@MyTubeofYouChannel]

This caused me so many problems. I think this si why I'm so distant from everyone and new people right now because I don't know how to not lose myself anymore. Doesn't help that I have social anxiety which makes showing myself even harder. I can now, but it does not feel natural and takes so much emotional effort.

[@honeyeearlyannetanedo1310]

Yes, I am experiencing this...

[@megaluckydog1212]

Hilarious title! Over left wall, it's gone! lol The superintendent used to say "he's like a machine" in some of our interactions. I was shop steward. One time it took years to prove i was right at least no one was hurt TMK.

[@emperorofatlantis14]

literally my whole life

[@carolynchlebowski7680]

Thank you for getting SO real, Wenzes. You have the most helpful content around for INFJs.

[@zomosborne]

Ohmigawd, how did I miss what I have been doing most of my life? Thankyou for vocalising the changes that are happening for me around my friends.

[@KPGuitarStudios]

This was the video that really caught my attention and grabs me more than any of the others. I just did this myself and hated myself for it, it seemed like I was looking down at myself speaking the words and angering the other person. Incredibly concise, well put together, these videos are absolutely fantastic! Thank you so much for all that you do

[@kw2456]

This brings up something that people have mentioned to me ... the fact of being a chameleon. Many of the times I don't want to rock the boat and keep things easy going. This drove some exes crazy.

[@Charles-sg9zu]

This is so relatable when I was in secondary school. I’m like one person with my family and another person with other people (classmates and teachers) and the day that I most afraid of is parents day because I need to think about how should I do.

[@aqueneable]

This INFJ coach always gives me a lot to think about. Thanks!

[@tinahalle3575]

I keep doing this and afterwards I feel terrible. The thing is , it’s triggered by their own narcissistic ( or what I’m beginning to think it is anyway, according to stuff I’m learning lately) behavior towards me. Then I’m stuck feeling this tension and bad energy off of them even though they were being a certain way first. I can always tell when I went too low though and ironically I do love this person ( if they are narcissistic I think they’re not on the extremely high side of the narcissistic scale ) so I literally feel terrible that I did that but really I’m just shielding from their obnoxious behavior but projecting it back at them . Not by behaving like them and I’m not doing this for revenge but just to say look at yourself , it’s yours and I’m not going to take it but why do I feel so terrible about it afterwards ?? 😏

[@brittanyrose1271]

Even when I do begin to show who I am are the people after tell me all about them. How they react to what I decide to share tells me all I need to know.

[@Michel-ov1sv]

In my own personal experience May I add that I have genuine intention to help those who seek my opinion or suggestion although more often than not I would have wished that I am less ‘bothered’ though who do it rarely don t bother me to the contrary but those who cling then sooner or later I get angry at them if not hating them ‘ based on my judging them’ . And of course as you mentioned I empty myself and their problem preoccupied my life. It is true I am a little bit different with different people. Thank you.