Why You Feel So Helpless

[@besknighter]

"'Since I'm gonna fail, I might as well not try. At least I'll protect myself from the disappointment of hope.' That's what really happens in learned helplessness. Because you learn that hope and failing is painful. So we shoot for neutral, for numbness." - Dr. K. OUCH. That described how I was living my life for the last 11 years.

[@wilsonkoman2829]

Same boat, different time frame. Now, we row.

[@7hunderbird]

yes also

[@paulmihaisolon8292]

"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment"

[@GetsBeat]

i feel u bro

[@oxXBubbleXxo]

so what about the ppl who would succeed and still damper in helplessness is that just one stair up/down from learning life is painful either way..?

[@TylerLarson]

If you're in a dark room but you refuse to accept that it's dark, you will also refuse to turn on a light, because you "don't have to." Acceptance leads to change because it allows you to RESPOND to the situation rather than REACT to your feelings.

[@stef9019]

Well put.

[@vivvy_0]

what if i accepts its dark but i dont want to put on a light

[@kahlilwashington8936]

@@vivvy_0 wouldn’t that be the learned helplessness discussed in the video? Cause there’s an action you can take that’s in your power but your brain is like “yea it’s dark but the light switch is so far, so why bother” hopefully that’s the right thing from the video, but in the end I think it’s worth to turn on the light switch for the sake of the action

[@qeden]

@@kahlilwashington8936 Moreover, you can accept the dark and so what are you going to do about it, if you like it then it's fine but if you want to see things you have to put on a light.

[@kahlilwashington8936]

@@qeden thank you, it’s hard wording these things and understanding them to their full extent, it’s definitely a tongue twister but with the brain

[@marcusa2252]

I have pretty bad learned helplessness. I can't see myself ever in a successful position in life. I can't see myself ever accomplishing anything in life and it's almost cringe to picture myself doing so. I have really bad self-esteem and no sense of agency. I have no confidence in myself to do anything, even simple tasks. I gave up on life and have apathy towards everything. My life is going terribly but I can't seem to care about what's happening to me. I don't take care of myself at all. If I do manage to accomplish anything, it doesn't make me feel better about myself. I have lots of self-loathing and I have suicidal thoughts just about every day.

[@versace6609]

It is really hard

[@Clowncentral101]

Same man it’s hell

[@AskConner]

Sounds like hell. I’ve been in my own mind’s version of hell at one point as well and, from human to human, I hope you find your way out. You deserve peace.

[@diyadutta49]

Going through this every single day

[@Ryokon101]

I cannot express to you how much I agree. I'm so sick of positivity culture saying 'give it time' and all those kind of buttery but ultimately shallow phrases. I know myself and I know that the ratio of failures when compared to my successes in my life is so astronimcailly imbalenced that you can literally make an evidence-based conclusion that i am an overwhelming fuck up and i should not be trusted ever. i have intense feelings of shame and i am struggling with sucidal ideation because i know life is just heading towards another string of painful, avoidable fuck ups. and you know what? i'm going to be right. i have mountains of evidence.

[@blueskye2790]

I've done all three (1) maladaptive daydreaming, (2) thinking about the hopeless future, and (3) contrafactual thinking. Basically wasted 15 years doing nothing because of the trifecta of avoidance of the present combined with learned helplenessness. But never had the language to understand what was happening until I saw this video. It explains a lot.

[@JAKE-ng8yr]

how are u doing now?

[@Hanban14]

" 'If I'm hopeless about the future it gives me a free pass from the present and I don't have to do anything right now.' You ever think about that?" 😅 You got me

[@teknophyle1]

This gives me better understanding of the problem, but not how to take action on it. I feel like i need a formulated routine or action plan.

[@oConshien]

good thing they offer coaching programs to address exactly that!

[@Densoro]

The thing that's really messing me up lately is more, 'idk what else I could possibly try.' I was willing to try so many things and I got thrown on my ass after each and every one, so now I'm just out of ideas.

[@samysue10]

That kind of sounds similar to my situation. But I think what's going on for me is that I'm using therapy as avoidance. I know me personally I'll go to all these different therapies, try what they say to do and then if it doesn't work right away I give up because the helplessness kicks in and I think "Why try if it might not work?" "am I going to suffer forever?" "Why is this happening to me?" and I would be really scared to try it again because I was afraid of wasting my time because I am suffering and want to get better right now. I think the goal for me now personally is to accept that I'm not going to get better right away and that the things I'm trying may not work for me and that it's ok for me to fail and try something else. I've got to give myself a chance to heal. If I don't I'll just keep on jumping from therapy to therapy until there's no where else to go. It seems that acceptance is key and trying to catch your avoidance behaviors and be aware when you are avoiding is one of the hardest parts. I know I will forget and then realize after the fact that I got caught in my self loathing thought loops, and then it's a battle of not beating myself up about making the mistake of falling for your minds traps. It's very difficult to be aware but I think when you start catching it and replacing it with "I accept that ..." or "I will catch myself next time" kinds of thoughts it helps change your thought patterns. They call that cognitive reframing. I'm still in the beginning fazes of this but I was able to do it for a little bit before and it helped a lot. It can be very difficult to be consistent but I would try to be as forgiving as you can be to yourself when you slip back to old thoughts because it is very difficult to decondition this helplessness loop. Good luck to anyone reading this who is struggling with these kinds of issues. You are much stronger than you realize and just the fact that you are on Dr. K's videos and reading comments trying to find ways to solve these problems shows your intelligence.

[@Astropheminist]

Really glad I found this video right now. I graduated with my bachelor’s in December and finding gap-year work has been frustrating and failure-mindset-inducing.

[@arthurmeyer2977]

Acceptance allows reset, and reset is the solution for every problem. Accept the past, understand the present, and then try to turn off and on yourself to keep moving ahead with your life. :)

[@Scetchye]

”This was extremely helpful, its a shame I wont be able to anything about it.” - My mind

[@elsewhereprince3969]

“Life is not a solo player game.” Way to sneak that gamer analogy into the end of the video.

[@mmb3006]

This is going to sound odd, but every time I feel helpless I go to your channel and by watching 10 minutes of any video I get a giant motivation boost which is super useful especially in weeks as such when I have tons of tests.

[@JAKE-ng8yr]

well don't rely on motivation. Videos like this boost motivation but it's always short term, you just got a quick boost of happy chemicals that's it

[@jennw6809]

@@JAKE-ng8yr Motivation is an emergent property, as Dr. K always says. You get it by stacking buffs. Watching Dr. K gives big, long lasting buffs!

[@Nyyre]

NOTES Learned helplessness = we lose belief in our own agency. We learn over time that there’s no way to win. We learn to give up very easily. If something doesn’t work right away, we learn to give up. Normally - when we face challenges, it is the natural human response to rise up to the challenge and learn how to beat it. But some people learn, over time, that there’s no way to win. Acceptance - if we accept what happens in life instead of trying to change it, how does that help? ACT = Acceptance and Commitment Theory Acceptance philosophy can lead to good clinical outcomes. It’s our attempts to resist the addiction that cause most problems. If we accept the addiction, paradoxically, that is what gives us the power to change it.

[@viniciusgp5656]

"life is not a solo player game, its just not" really powerfull quote

[@Feffff12312]

I dont have time to watch the full video, but could you elaborate on what dr k was saying here? Or perhaps link a timestamp? Would gladly appreciate it!

[@scvpest]

@@Feffff12312 27:40 is where the context begins. The quote is the very last sentence of the whole video.

[@nuke291]

@@Feffff12312 Come on you don't have 20 minutes free on your day? xd

[@jeebuskryst9388]

It's a multi-player game, but a majority of the players < 85iq

[@viniciusgp5656]

@@jeebuskryst9388 Id rather play with someone with low iq than with someone that is intolerant

[@lockelamora4184]

A co worker and I were joking around on the assembly line at work, seeing if we could make ourselves cry... lmao. She thought of an up coming anniversary of a lost relative, but for me nothing was working, which I thought was a little fucked up. I kept laughing and smiling, so I wondered why I was doing that and realized instead of feeling any sort of sadness what I was doing was before I got close I'd begin picturing the scenario of me trying to cry at work and the comedy behind that. Which then made me realize that this pattern has completely taken over my way of life. I imagine everything and base my actions off my interpretation of my emotional response to the imagination v.s. doing the thing, and experiencing the action. An example would be hanging out with a friend, I'll impulsively imagine how that would be in, using gas, car might break down, they'll be selfish, I'd be more comfortable at home... or getting my car fixed, they're going to over charge me, they won't listen, etc.. and then I never do it. Working out, I'll feel uncomfortable and probably won't make gains, etcetera. And this jaded vicious cycle has almost put me into a choke hold for years under the disguise of light hearted mindfulness, which it once was... I think.. lol. Anyway it worked and I almost burst out on the line before my co worker was like, 😬, no no no!!! Lol, then this video came out, keen to watch and explore this.

[@mielenalkemiaa]

Key takeaways: - you are not your thoughts, but your actions. You don't have to act according to them. 'me' really wanting to eat pizza vs my body wanting fast calories vs my mind/addictiln craving it are all different things. - to distance yourself from thoughts: notice them, accept them as they are, but realize you can choose to act differently - dwelling on the past, 'if only' -mentality takes lots of mental capacity. Mindset shift --> accept past and act better now - don't put introduce concept of time to changin your lifestyle. You can only not eat pizza now. It's not possible to quit it for a day, nor a month. Don't let the devil know in advance - accepting your addiction lets you gain control. Addiction can't fool you anymorr, because you realize because addiction can fool you and you can't control it in any way

[@StealthTheUnknown]

Just at the right time. Thanks Dr. K!

[@zeex5029]

He always delivers, just when I need him

[@dergtehdergon9241]

@@zeex5029 Same doe, what a Chad. :3

[@kiraa_]

Same gl 2 u

[@cinder.squire1122]

As someone who cannot afford professional therapy, but desperately wants to continue what I started in therapy, I DEEPLY appreciate these videos. I'll watch them at work, at home. It feels like therapy homework, in the best way. Definitely hoping to get back into professional therapy, but this channel is a tremendous help in the mean time.

[@user-js3vx6sy3z]

Your videos are so refreshingly good. So many of them have landed for me and this video was just so spot on. Instead of giving cheap, lame 4 steps to overcome learned helplessness your videos actually help. Thank you

[@kingskand]

I used those exact words, today, relaying my helplessness to a friend...futile, what's the point, etc. I told him I was at a point on the fence I could fall on either side...give up and let things fall apart - or DO something about it. Intellectually, I understand this lecture, but the doing is hard. CPTSD really is taxing. Your AA analogy had me go into thoughts about church, and religion. Because isn't the gathering of people at church, and their teachings about how fallible we all are as humans kind of the same principle? We are sinners who make mistakes. But they teach to be accepting and to gain acceptance (through whatever deity). I'm not church-going but I'm now starting to understand some of the appeal. I used to think "hypocrites" about people who try to be 'holy' but I see they really aren't And that's ultimately how I view myself. I'm not redeemable. So it turns out I (we all) need that acceptance. I read that church is full not because they are holy. One doesn't go to the doctor unless they are sick. This analogy is also why Jordan Peterson has been fascinating to listen to as well. It's so interesting to ponder human behavior even in a theological sense and fascinating that it has been kind of a foundation to acceptance of life. And all the bad that can happen. There's still a lot of work ahead to change habits and that feels so difficult.

[@BitterTast3]

Dr. K, could you do a video on forgiving those who have manipulated you in the past or at least how to let go of the anger towards them? I've heard the saying that I'm only poisoning myself, but I know that already and I still struggle to let it go.

[@adamofblastworks1517]

Accept that they did it. Idk

[@BitterTast3]

@@adamofblastworks1517 I don't think that applies. If I didn't accept that they did what they did, I wouldn't have something to be angry about.

[@adamofblastworks1517]

@@BitterTast3 accept that it happened, and that you can't change it, and avoid them or something, Idk. I'm spitballing.

[@BitterTast3]

@@adamofblastworks1517 You're fine. There's a lot to it though. I'm not convinced that there's nothing I can do, and I feel like I'd be betraying myself if I just brushed it under the rug. Plus I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently in the past. I know Dr. K talked about that in the video, but there's value in going over your past mistakes so you can do better. Yes, there's sometimes emotional suffering that comes with that, but there's a part of me that really doesn't care. It wants revenge, no matter what. My problem is probably too deep for a youtube comment. Oh well.

[@adamofblastworks1517]

@@BitterTast3 yeah

[@MrSandManGiveMeADream]

i also highly recommend journaling. when you write it down, thoughts transfer to words and it gives a sense of control and awareness to you. it makes you acknowledge the position you are currently in. in the end you will reach this moment of "ok. i get it. this is me. now what should i do?". the rest will come soon, friend.

[@vv9774]

Bro I’m 23 years old and I can resonate this video so much. The reason why I resonate this so much is I dwell on past choices. Dwelling on past mistakes causes prolific worry and anxiety of my future because I believe the wrong decisions I’ve made in the past messed up my future. I feel utterly hopeless about my future

[@danielroy8232]

I feel helpless because it seems like my big problems are completely out of my control. it's not my behaviors, it's my circumstances that are causing my misery and I'm powerless to fix it.

[@minaria7073]

Thanks a lot Dr. K, for bringing about this talk on learned helplessness!! 🔥

[@elisenieuwe4649]

I've followed online therapy last year based on ACT and mindfulness and it was extremely useful to me. The first 1,5 month I was still skeptical and that changed slowly after I noticed some differences in myself. Just after the therapy stopped, my relationship broke up and I needed to find a better paying job asap. It has been a very stressful period and yet I've done better these past months then I did the 2,5 year before that. I truly think the therapy helped tremendously with this. I like that I've still got the documentation from the online course that accompanied the therapy and my answers that I can still look at. They recommend to regularly repeat parts so you keep training and working with the skills you learned. It's so practical. I love the parts about how to detach from our thoughts.

[@jasonwall8405]

This was so cathartic. Thank you so much for all you do and share.

[@JohnDoe-bs4ln]

If i had to sum up the video, i would say that the difference between acceptance and learned helplessness is the same as between stoicism and nihilism

[@lanfear45]

nihilism isn't really giving up. it's the acceptance that true meaning doesn't exist. that meaning is subjective, yet still possible. stoicism and nihilism both accept a truth. simply different truths with different paths to "enlightenment"

[@Nik.No.K]

I feel like you often describe the problems pretty well but I’m still always left feeling confused about how to solve them. You talk about acceptance but how? I can’t accept anything. I hate myself, I hate society, I hate that I have to get up every day and do things I don’t want to do. I hate reality, period. I’ve watched this video twice now over the last week and I still have no idea how to accept anything. Right now I feel like if this is how life is, I just don’t even want to live. Everything is so hard. Everything is pain. I’m 28 and it seems like I haven’t matured a day past 15. I feel like I never signed up for all this and it just seems so unfair. I look at “responsible” adults and I’m absolutely dumbfounded. I can’t fathom how anyone could get up and go to work 5 days a week for the rest of their lives. It’s so wrong and immoral to ever ask someone to do that. Yet, every single person in our society is expected to just sit at a desk (or whatever) and WASTE away the vast majority of their lives enriching some CEO, all for the PRIVILEGE of a roof over their heads. By the time the weekend rolls around most people are too tired to do anything anyway. I’m feeling particularly depressed today but I’ve always felt this way as long as I can remember. How can I accept anything when I hate everything about the world we live in? And now I’m completely stuck. I’ve got a mortgage, 20k in student loans for a degree I didn’t finish, credit card debt… not to mention I’ve been a polysubstance addict since I was 15 because the only way I can feel comfortable in my own skin is if I’m on a bunch of drugs. I have a million things I need to do to get my life on track and every single one of them seems impossibly difficult and I just hate it. I hate that my entire existence has been mostly pain since the day I was born. I’m still not sure how accepting any of this is going to help me or the first step to even try. Sorry I’m having a really bad day today. Thanks to anyone who cared enough to read it.

[@199789638]

Acceptance and hatred aren't mutually exclusive, as far as I understand. As in, you can accept the fact that you hate something. If you refuse to accept this fact, then it might have just been a fleeting thought or feeling that did not truly mean much to you. If you do accept it, then you can use it to fuel action, either in actively working against the thing you hate or by trying to feel less hate towards that thing. In the case of self-hatred, it's often easier to do the former (self-sabotage, passivity, addictions, unhealthy distractions, etc). In the case of hating the place or whole system in which you're employed, it's easier to simply express that hatred outwardly (as is the case of your comment) rather than take action to improve the system or, at the least, your current work environment. I should be clear that I mean no offense to you or your situation. I also have been struggling to understand what acceptance means or feels like to people who are able to both truly mean it and use it to drive actions with positive outcomes rather than negative ones. It seems to me that it is being conscious about your every decision in the present moment. How do you put that into action when it feels monumentally difficult to even take first step: accepting the situation? I suppose you just have to keep trying. And failing. But sometimes you don't fail. And then comes what people call a "good habit" which is making the first step not a conscious decision anymore, but a subconscious one. So even if you begin by lying to yourself saying you accept yourself and your situation, if it ends up developing a good habit where you no longer have to think about making the conscious effort, then you forget that you were lying to yourself in the first place. So maybe you do need to fake it until you make it, at least to get your foot in the door. I can say that this method has worked for me so far, but when things get in the way of the habit (emergencies, injuries, moving places, 'life happening'), having to return to the conscious decision to start again becomes arguably more difficult. This is, again, just my understanding so far.

[@marcel_chavez]

Omfg this video is amazing, bro was spitting facts all over the place, is hard for someone with this problems to recognize all this stuff and resume it this way, this really gave me chills and sense of betterment thank you for this dr k I love you I hope I can apply what I have just learned further in my life

[@KarnodAldhorn]

I used to misunderstand acceptance. I thought it meant doing nothing but deluding yourself to be happy about it. What I understand now is acceptance has nothing to do with being happy about anything. It means no more and no less than akknowledging that something is true.

[@cielush1848]

For the last sentence, life is not a solo player game, what if I am really really really good at soloing? what if I have less hardships and obstacles alone? what if I actually am improving and getting my life together, advancing in my career and just generally feeling good like this? I always feel like im wrong for liking being alone. (not lonely, I do see family and have 1 great friend which is the best, I just love minimal drama and upkeep/maintenance im bad at having many friends)

[@erikavaleries]

If I use social media, it triggers all kinds of unwanted thoughts. But that’s my only place for social connection so far, being disabled & stuck at home. Even using support groups on FB is like a huge competition with strangers. It’s structured like middle school for adults with certain sick people getting all the interactions. I feel sick that this is my only “community” option. It used to be simple and happy on Facebook when it was just a few friends. Now it’s about having a massive audience & thousands of followers and magazine worthy photo spreads. I feel like a failure now and every time I login. I stopped using it and now have zero communication with friends. I would have to chase them all down separately and I’m currently sick with chronic illness, severely. I feel better without it because I have to pretend my life is amazing and act fake or inspirational, or broadcasting sensationalist details of my life to have any interaction on social media. I have to chase people almost daily keeping up with their minutiae, to keep friends or get likes back. The whole system has me depressed out of my mind being homebound.

[@MusiicRoolz]

social media sucks, if you can make connections on there and slowly take them out of there (like 1-1 messaging, WhatsApp, texting, video call) that might be the best thing for you to do. I don't know if you've seen Doctor K's recent video with KZbinr called ironmouse but she's also homebound, and she found a way to make connections through streaming. really empathise with you and I hope you can find a way around this.

[@LIVEvil789]

I know how you feel. I quit social media (with the sole exception of youtube, I guess) probably about a decade ago, and I definitely feel much better. As you also noted, noticing how much desire it fuels to compete through social peacocking was an eye-opener. That's a good decision. My only advice for avoiding loneliness is actually to get to a place where you're ok with being by yourself, and even enjoying it again. I remember what it was like as a kid just playing with my toys in my room, wholly content to be with my imagination, and I try to use that feeling as a guide, and try to bring a certain level of playfulness to anything I do. This helps in learning to just enjoy the moment again. Personally, this has been exceedingly difficult because I have ADHD/anxiety and OCD, so unwanted thoughts mess with my vibe a lot, but that makes it all the more imperative to learn to enjoy my weird fucked up mind again, as that's also a source of my creativity. Also, not to be rude or harsh, but do you know your FB friends in real life, or are they exclusively online? Cause I just text or talk with my IRL friends on discord if we can't meet in person. If they are IRL friends, ask them to come hang out. Even if they don't, you'll find out who your real friends are either way. It can be hard, but part of healing is also cutting off the dead weight, and I've had to move on from people that were holding me back or that I sunk a lot of time and effort into with no reciprocity. Last suggestion, if you're so inclined (aren't easily addicted) and can afford it is...try an MMO? From my experience, people in games with good communities are extremely welcoming, and they share a lot of naturally overlapping interests. I even made a few friends I would talk to outside of game, though we've since drifted apart since we live in different places, which is the danger of relying on this. And that brings me back to being content with yourself is priority #1. Sorry for the essay, and full disclaimer, I may or may not respond if you do. This is also not medical advice, yada-yada lol. Cheers, good luck and all the best!

[@lilymulligan8180]

I completely feel you. I quit fb a long time ago and quit IG about 6 months ago because it just makes me hate myself. I feel better, but my social circle has shrunk to just a few close friends. We text and call to keep in touch rather than liking each other's posts. That said, I am a member of a private forum for people with my mental health condition. It's part of a paid support group/recovery program. It's been a GREAT way for me to make connections with people online that doesn't feel comparative or performative. Highly recommend if you can find something similar.

[@erikavaleries]

thank you all. so many great ideas and unexpected replies. I’ve been so sick and made myself sicker from crying getting to this point, I realize I might be in a medical crisis over it bc I can’t eat or sleep feeling so hated online as no one will speak to me anymore. maybe I will get a like. I usually don’t want to use groups to speak to strangers / although this is heartwarming here. KZbin comments are not something I’ve done much. I just felt so alone & fights kept starting on my last active FB group after so much trolling & harassment in other groups. I am so grateful for these ideas. I can’t reply more individually now but it helps me see I’m not alone. If I express this on those platforms I of course only get zombie likes and no conversation. It’s probably weird I voice my struggle with FB/IG on those sites anyway to other die hard users. A paid site is a great idea if I can find one. And enjoying solitude is a must! I do! I’m so afraid for my future bc I’m at my sickest right now facing major surgeries - craniotomy and more horrible stuff - no support at all anymore online or IRL except for paid or volunteer caregiver types. It’s my worst nightmare but people just stop speaking to you and other sick people are also sick so they can’t take up the slack left by fake friends and unsupportive family. I’m grateful for your unexpected and wonderful ideas and responses. Now I’m crying with gratitude!

[@Goldy01]

I might just be spewing nonsense here at 3 AM, but forget about facebook, get on discord. Search for some servers that might be of interest, and connect to a more open community with less toxicity and no ads.

[@apeshiii]

you're insane how you articulate the bases of my thoughts and instantly fight back positively

[@wilsonkoman2829]

Doc, you just untangled my mind with this vid. Thanks, from the bottom of my soul.

[@luhan5123]

Acceptance is what helped me grow up from some shitty moments in my life and in all type of situation, were it not pushing an exam, or even having confessed to someone I loved, getting rejected and still keeping them as friends, that's one of the things that changed my life, accepting that they didnt like me back but still staying allowed me to be more honest with them and not expect anything that I wouldnt get. Acceptance was also knowing that a certain place was bad for me and I had to leave, and when I finally decided to do so it was A reset and then I became a new, free person with a new catalogue to choose from what I wanted to do with my life and my time, it was accepting that maybe a certain carreer wasnt my thing or maybe I wasnt ready for that, but that maybe in the future I Will feel ready for another carreer or even rethink about what that one I left really meant and how I may be more ready. Life is not the bad choices or the mistakes we made, there's more to experience beyond those. And now I just realized that you mentioned exactly this situation of staying with someone even after rejection cuz it was mutual it was the reassurement of knowing we were loved by each other even if it wasnt in a romanticway cuz we accepted each other with the good and bad things, even with our anxiety, and we were each other's first person to come to when we needed quality company and I cannot describe how good it is to have a friend of such kind, cuz you grow up together, you learn together when things like this happen

[@phosspatharios9680]

From my experience, Learned Helplessness can evolve into Acceptance. Sometimes, if you can't get something despite how much you try, you were just not meant to have it, at least not as you are now. See it as a way of God (or fate, or whatever you believe in) lowkey telling you to pursue another path, usually off the beaten path.

[@adamofblastworks1517]

That path was the only thing I've found interest in for a career starting point. I don't mean a specific job, I mean that "anything involving any of these various skills or concepts that I find at least some enjoyment and success in." All other broad "paths" have not seemed to be worthwhile, for the long term. Maybe I'm *supposed* to work at a call center for the rest of my life.

[@duneslayer]

Man do I have trouble with acceptance in my life. I’m sure I even have some form of learned helplessness. Trying to break out of it day by day.

[@porky1118]

I'm programming on some private project while listening to you. While you were talking about helplessness, I lost the hope, that what I'm doing will lead anywhere, so I now have an excuse to play video games. :P

[@DutchGuyX]

Thank you for changing the background! This is so much better than the spiraling green void.

[@claired7055]

I wish I had someone like y0u to learn from when I was so much younger Dr K. Now in late 30s with so many issues to work through, it feels never ending (I am working on it though!). Thank you so much for your brilliant explanations, and helping me change my life.

[@ssykes7]

22:43 explains so much of human behavior (or lack of behavior)

[@zemlca]

this is genius, this videos saves lives

[@ceasec]

Notes: counterfactual thinking: going back in time to rewrite history-thinking about a past that did not happen. Mind focused on the past and hypothesizing a different set of outcomes when struggling in the present: "if only I had studied more." This obviously hits pretty close to home; I feel like I'm consistently thinking in this fashion. Instead of figuring out a plan, the brain devotes cognitive and problem-solving energy goes into rewriting the past, which is obviously impossible. Acceptance takes issues from the past and lets it go-accept where you are now. Sit in the present and look forward to the future positively; learned helplessness makes assumptions about the future that makes you not act today. This highlights the differences. Accepting problems and the present allows you to ask "where do I go from here? What can I do now? What is the first step I can take?" Learned Helplessness is a strategy to avoid pain through avoiding effort: since I'm going to fail, I might as well not try to protect myself from the disappointment of hope. "Shooting for numbness." Difference between apathy and detachment: apathy is a learned helplessness; I don't care, there's no point in trying. Detachment isn't not caring, it's accepting that things are out of your control. > "Detachment isn't about not enjoying life or being numb, it's about letting go of the outcomes of your actions and actually fully devoting yourself to the action itself." Rationalizing isn't being in the present; emotion is fueling rationalization that minimizes the emotion. Being in the present sits with uncomfortable emotions. Avoidance/rationalizing. Maladaptive daydreaming - excessive daydreaming that interferes with the present. Giving up on the future is a pass to avoid bothering with the present. Your mind, then, is able to be totally fine in the present. Learned Helplessness buys you total absolution from all responsibilities today. If you can do something, maybe the situation is your fault. And if you can do something, maybe you need to work your ass off, but you don't want that or for it to be your fault, so you can lean into helplessness and then play video games all day with your addictive mind. Thinking of big, difficult tasks invites "time" into consideration, which your brain identifies as hard and unlikely. You could eat healthy today, no problem. Thinking about dieting for ten months is hard, and if you can't do that, why bother eating healthy today? If you imagine the outcome-a fit physique-that is difficult, that is a large task, which opens up your mind to thoughts like "that's too hard. Don't bother." When the dimension of time enters, you are screwed.

[@Youshallbeeatenbyme]

I really just want to sit and talk with Dr. K for awhile. Every time I listen to these videos they hit something that I've been going through...basically for the past 10 years. I've made strides to accept myself, and then I've hit walls that push me back down. Things have gotten very difficult these past 2 months, as it's been the worst time in my life, and I honestly don't know where I would be without these videos. I cannot thank you enough for all of this, Dr. K. You have been the hand in the dark that has grabbed mine, and told me to open my eyes...that things aren't as dark as I was making them. I'm still struggling, and I think I will for sometime to come. But I feel a bit better knowing that I do have control over over some things, and that I can be alright with myself.

[@jadef1531]

Okayy I guess I have to accept "I am powerless in the face of my obsessive thoughts" I don't really know how that is going to help me because thoughts are in you head, it's not like alcohol, and I still think that If I figure it out the right way I'll find new information that will stop the anxiety. Like watching this video for example. This is really tricky isn't it?

[@datmessynerd]

I dont think anything could ever make me feel better about life

[@dariusthurman8835]

Failure does not make me Stronger

[@theGhostSteward]

I come from the chronice dicease gang and this is a big discusion around people with disabilidies. Thank you for a the hep Doc.

[@TheEniBody]

Your words piss me off and make me hate you, I listened to it 3 times last night. Thank you, will be listening again in the future.

[@fractalizedspiritz]

what about when your learned helplessness is so visceral that it shuts you down into a freeze response without even having active thoughts about the disappointment?

[@jRSJH2YZxPJDKp]

This is basically the essence of Stoic principle that Epictetus teaches in Enchiridion. The problem is, as Dr.K says, its incredibly difficult to commit yourself to it consistently

[@diclonius7]

I come from an abusive family and have CPTSD. All the stuff he said was spot on. Feeling hopeless about the future that even if I try my hardest probably won't be good enough and still fail. Interesting that all my family would tell me I just have to do this or that to undo a lifetime of abuse, neglect, and trauma, because none of them would ever admit or accept that maybe they weren't always in absolute control of their own lives. They refuse to accept that certain parts of their lives are beyond their control, and in doing so, never do anything about it.

[@JAKE-ng8yr]

ok so ur family won't admit that they abused you so you will do nothing? nice reasoning. It's not ur fault but it is your responsibility

[@viktorhristov1446]

Excatlly what i needed , i was avoiding my emotions , but i was aware that i am not felling my emotions , and with this clip , i finally feel , i feel like these clips comes straight for me , like they are made for the problem i am dealing with. It feels good that Dr.K talks about this topic.

[@brianareprogle2714]

"I am a failure is actually learned helplessness; what you accept is that you have failed, period."

[@Chaos0498]

4:06 "Hi My name is Alok.. and I'm an alkoholic" lmao

[@ricardoadorno9323]

This video is a game changer for me, no words to describe the punches on my face and how scared and hopeful I am

[@qeden]

You videos helped me so much throught my journey, thank you very much for sharing these precious pieces of information and for helping the people in need.

[@nickx1754]

It is mind blowing how much wisdom is in this 29m:29s video. Lot's of gratitude here for Dr. K and HG. Thank you.

[@veetee4826]

I sort of have two perspectives. in one way, my brain is saying take the big risks, because you get to see what youre capable of etc. but in dr k point view, yes because those big goals are there, you then feel discouraged to take the small ones, well for me the desire of those big goals are so huge that what im doing rn feels nothing in comparison to that, or is nothing aligned with my goal which is moving and living in the city (or feels that way). I can take small steps, but for me the FOMO, fear of not living my life is huge, which then creates an urge for me to go for my desires. But with that, I do have social anxiety and bpd, being aware of that... im not sure if getting the big goals, will actually work out or not. Last time I went, I felt ok'ish but in the end felt crap. Then that created more self doubt for me and made me think , "I am incapable of anything, I cant do this" which then leads to more frustration, n going psycho lol (undesirable consequences, like self harm , breaking things). maybe I should really tell myself to do small things, but the brain in my head is freaking out and is like wtf, what about living your life?!?! that desire is so strong that im like I have to get it. lol. in way, it feels like doing the small stuff, is not really me living the kind of life I want. btw, I also live with toxic parents, so that makes sense why, regardless. I notice that when theyre gone I even feel better doing the small things. idkkkkkk :S

[@the_markoman]

The way I'd word the difference between acceptance and learned hopelessness: Acceptance is about understanding your shortcomings, and thus letting go of insecurites related to those shortcomings. Learned hopelessness on the other hand is about giving in to those insecurites.

[@NetflixTopVideos]

Love the back ground, I love wathe sea. You are a really good articulater (is that even a word??!! I find you so helpful. 😊

[@dezkant]

man these intros really feel like openers to a horror flick i'm loving it lol

[@elwiwi69]

I think I've mastered trying to archieve things with the little energy and motivation that comes from helpelesness. I don't expect anything and still manage to function. Am I miserable? Yes. But at least I'm getting shit done

[@PregnantRanjit]

How do you accept the thought that your presence in a person's life is hurting them? It would be so egotistical to ignore their suffering.

[@atzman6]

Thank you very much for this video. I really needed that.

[@Seissmo]

Being helpless is a terrible feeling.

[@IM4fLEX]

I nerfed myself, set into my lifestyle, I stopped myself from improving to act dumb and funny. Clown mode for a year. All this to go from loner to being social. Now I have gained addiction, I easily quit. Feels almost irreversible. Motivation starts at night and then no more by tomorrow. I give uo easily.

[@Tindre]

how did you know I was feeling this way today O_O

[@lifeisbeautiful7047]

The only one who answers all of my questions

[@WonkyOctopus]

Been needing this one for a good while

[@MaxBeaulieu]

I needed this today

[@nazrin8910]

Thank you Dr.K, just thank you.

[@ziggyfreefall2774]

I watched this video and I couldn't process it because its hopeless for me to learn anything useful

[@FelixSkura]

You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance.

[@trevordane4605]

Really loving these new intros

[@ethangilbert7305]

You said that you could be detached from going on a date and said that there are other fish in the sea or that you can see friends. I don’t have the social skills to find other people to date and I don’t have any friends to hang out with. I have mental health issues so for me I just detach myself by saying that I feel very hurt and that I feel like I can’t connect to people and that I feel like I will never find the support I need. I let myself feel those emotions while detached and after those emotions pass, I’m usually able to work out what I can do next to help myself. I have become a lot more detatched recently so now I cry all the time and it feels good. I feel like I am finally living my life. Like yeah, I have detatched but that doesn’t change the fact that I have almost no one to connect with causing me to feel very sad often. Ever since I have become detached, I have been so much more happy. I have cried myself to sleep because of how lonely I am but also feel a sense of bliss in it. It’s like how you are really happy but feel miserable but just the other way around. I’m not fully detached but I have been slowly becoming more and more detached so my life has slowly become more and more blissful. I find it so confusing that I can feel good while crying myself to sleep. That’s what detachment is like though

[@disterasd123]

Doing God's work

[@shairaabshire]

This is exactly what I needed.

[@eliasmendezlicitra808]

my Brain works like this and i just cant seem to win against it, my Ws only last for a week and then its all back from the start, even months of progress feels like nothing because i decided just not to take care of myself for stupid ass reasons, exectuve disfunction and Atention problems make it harder even all because at random i just developed a generalized anxiety disorder and fucked up my brain freely cuz i did not know i had it for a really long time.

[@kailomonkey]

This is me. Thanks for the video.

[@DAClub-uf3br]

I was in AA. It is a Myth that they are effective. Most new people quite within a month. Oh and powerless people relapse.

[@wanderingrandomer]

18:14 That's actually a good point, and something I've never understood about dating. Like, Im still not sure I quite understand the concept of dating someone without caring for them. What's the point, then?

[@ignaciomaderna]

Love you man.

[@pikachu-zu1pj]

Hi I’m a drop out, stay at home and a failure. Nice to meet y’all :)

[@ethanhycheung540]

Damn I just barely passed my last year - perfect timing as always lol

[@emilyloucks5907]

... thanks I love hate this video. 😒 get out of my BRAIN. Ok seriously this is my new favorite and I need to watch it every morning. Love you so much

[@negi372]

One has to be self aware/conscious and acknowledge about them being weak, because only then can he start to overcome it. I think? Thats just my thoughts. Probably has lots of flaws

[@emna904]

Guys read this book :( The courage to be dislicked), you'll find that you're the one who responsible for your current life and other stuffs, hope it'll help

[@DasHeino2010]

13:34 Homerun! I learned something!

[@animegirl6921]

interview Anthony palladia i believe that would be a very educational person to interview as he does much shorter interviewes with alot of diffrent and diverse people

[@letsgoBrandon204]

My problem isn't nicotine, alcohol, video games, or marijuana. It's talking to people. I'm addicted to avoiding talking to people. I can reliably get up at 05:40 every morning, I go to work, and work well (I think). I got a pay raise recently so I must be doing something right. But the people there.. It's so incredibly difficult to open up to them, to the point that I fail to even say good morning to most of them.

[@oldsoul3539]

Even if I can't stick to a diet, my "Trying to stick to a diet" diet is still way better than not trying to stick to a diet

[@tylersguide]

So i here with anxiety or low self esteem, if you believe you are little worth or are an anxious person then it gives it power right? So in this you say you are ___ , and then that helps you accept it and begin the transformation to becoming a not ____ person?

[@sachibala]

Thanks!

[@SilverFlame819]

Dammit, this is so sadly relatable.

[@635574]

This is also how certain people view difficulty in games, if you only play things that are so easy you cannot lose, youre doing that because you are avoiding the pain of defeat

[@vivvy_0]

yeah maybe spending 3 hours on the same boss/level is not the best way in want to spend my free time

[@HowToActivateNeurons]

Im pretty sure this video speaks roughly 89% of ppl in the world, especially the section at "How do you know if you are in the present?"

[@KarsenNotCarson]

my goat love you dr k

[@Britt_V2]

Would love a video on Cringe attacks I find myself out of nowhere reliving my most cringe worthy moments and I’d really like to get out of that mindset 😩😫😖