With narcissists... the road to hell is paved with good intentions

[@gergatron7000]

When the narc is nice, beware the price.

[@tanyadavis6138]

I like that!

[@LarjoskiFlyingAway]

This could be the starting line to a great poem.

[@lindytucker5724]

True

[@chaigasho775]

Beware "your my soul mate and I love you". In the first 3 days!

[@SoniaProteau-cj6tk]

Thank you dr.ramani ❤

[@devidaughter7782]

it can be devastating to realize that all our good intentions, generous acts of kindness, and personal sacrifice, do not yield the hoped-for result of a happy, healthy relationship! the narcissist may intend to show us love, to include us in their lives, to 'support us', but if we feel burdened, pressured, and uncomfortable, then 'impact is more important than intentions'. to quote a Bruce Cockburn: "though chains be of gold, they are chains all the same".

[@russfultz3362]

Thank you for that comment. I love the quote I never heard it before.

[@devidaughter7782]

@@russfultz3362 one of our great Canadian folk-singers. I don't know if the line/ proverb originates with him or whether he included it from somewhere in his song.

[@BaublesOfDelight]

Wow, I love that quote...So true!

[@annakronick3722]

How true! Hence the guilt we feel. In their limited way I think they really try…

[@LyndieLouWho]

"Nothing is enough" Those three words sum up the relationship with a narcissist perfectly.

[@vmandelaris200]

Amen 🙏

[@davidhinkson8856]

I spent years trying to "improve myself", to be a better husband, father, Christian etc, and it was never enough. One day I just said "screw it, I've gotta be me!"

[@russfultz3362]

Hell ya!

[@001101011010]

The worst part is when they project their lack of satisfaction on us: “you’re never satisfied”... it’s maddening.

[@vicbaker8367]

Ummm hmmm!

[@dougarnold7955]

Awesome! Good for you. 👍

[@Thang4321]

Same here. The more I gave, the more she played up

[@christineguyer8308]

She nailed it when she talked about the gifts they give and then are angry when you aren’t beyond grateful.

[@joseenoel8093]

Omg you're expected to frame the friggin thing!

[@learnforurlife]

I think that the Narcissists wants a golden medal! 🏅

[@angieshelley4901]

Gifts given he expected me to return. The old indian giver deal

[@sheilamurphey1852]

Yep, my narc asked for the beautiful (and expensive) bracelet back that he gave me, so he could then give it to his "poor sister". No way José, it was the very least I deserved after dealing witb him. I hid it, and all my jewelry as he started stealing my things; underwear included! A very sick puppy.

[@meadowdavidson]

Yasssss! My husband and my mother both!🙄😡

[@BETSHY]

Indeed, some narcissists are like energy vampires. A black hole that sucks the life out of those they meet.

[@Allahisadicksuckingmosquito]

Yes 100℅ ... This is the first sign of dealing with a narc.

[@PhoenixCat72]

Oh gosh, yes!

[@mariee.5912]

👏👏👏👏yes!

[@LiveFreeWarrior]

they all are ;)

[@Mel.H_]

Word. After spending time with my ex "best" friend I would come home and proclaim "Being her friend is SO exhausting!" Yet it still took me 5 years to end the friendship. Being narc free is so quiet and peaceful ✌

[@jodycasey6936]

This will be a year in my life I will never forget. I wake up every day and I come to this KZbin and it seems that you Dr. Ramani post videos valid to my situation almost every day. I appreciate you so much I can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am for all the hard work you do

[@rajakatrina5352]

Thank God it saved you 29 years of abuse . I wish I know what she is telling earlier .

[@dianahazell6823]

Me too

[@BoksCar29]

I checked out emotionally with my narcissist wife a long time ago. Still get endless lectures but spaced out.

[@t.danettealston-miller9316]

30 years and a degree in psychology...sigh compartmentalized tunnel vision you name it. All the years ...It is a PAIN nobody understands except All of us.. All the Dr. videos I watch in between my weekly therapy visits helps make sense as you lost sense reality and question your own thoughts , ideas,etc

[@missinglink9973]

narcissists good intentions are for fulfilling their agenda and making them look good to others or to manipulate people with good deeds

[@missinglink9973]

@@Fleischnaka I read it.....its hard to not feel guilty when you cut someone close out of your life. I feel guilty for cutting my mom out of my life but I want to live a positive life and having her undermine my life and my kids against me is a deal breaker for me. Im done she doesnt respect me and she never has.

[@davidhinkson8856]

Just because they buy expensive gifts or give you money means you should let them get away with treating you like garbage, no matter who they are.

[@flamingsword777]

You nailed it. My soon to be ex husband after he hoovered me back kept trying to buy me stuff and I would tell him no, I don't need or want it but I appreciate the offer, turned around and told me that if he wanted to do it was going to and wound up raping me later on. I left in January and went no contact. He lied to me saying he filed for divorce and I found out he didn't, so I did. He got served on the 17th, just a few days ago.

[@matilda1505]

@@flamingsword777 I’m so sorry you had to go through this. What an awful way to end relationship.

[@ailenefisher8068]

All that glitters is not gold, sometimes it’s tinsel, and that’s pretty common... What you expressed is dead-on right! I, too, am sorry you went through what you went through. Be strong and blessed.

[@skdewolf7606]

Expensive gifts they would take back or conveniently keep every discard. No contact is the only way.

[@skdewolf7606]

@@flamingsword777 that’s awful. I am so sorry. Similar experience although your abuse sounds far more horrific. Prayers

[@HannahJoy333]

The good intentions kept me duped my entire life until I woke up at 34 and went no contact. It absolutely was a road to hell I was on. Now I’m on a road to recovery ☺️

[@joseenoel8093]

🏆, aren't you clever!

[@venusrising6554]

I remember that light bulb moment. Good for you!

[@elliemay7569]

Same here 36 years!

[@christinar2039]

I was 32. I’m just shy of one year no-contact. I am no longer going into the direction of needing to be committed. It is worth EVERYTHING you leave behind.

[@billhodges3097]

Ok I'll give you a proverb that sums up relationships with a narcissist: "Once bitten, twice shy".

[@matilda1505]

So sad. So true.

[@elipotter369]

Yes, that's what I say when people say "why haven't you remarried"? "Better safe than sorry" I say to myself too.

[@naomikenzia-davis4148]

"Good intentions" can keep one stuck in the relationship. It took me years, and I sometimes still struggle with it, but I've realized that intentions don't really matter. They can be easily faked or forgotten about. What matters is what a person does. If someone treats you poorly, they are treating you poorly whether or not they intended to hurt you or not.

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Naomi Kenzia-Davis, you don't deserve to be with a narcissist cause you are too precious!

[@215hana]

Yes actions speak louder than words

[@isaacb.wilkins4763]

Agreed. in positions of leadership it can be harder or really any relationship. I think most ppl have good intentions but a kind word without an action is just BS. I think a lot of problems lay with ppl not wanting to take accountability so it’s easier to say it instead of do it.

[@heathermixson1265]

All that glitters is not gold.......

[@matilda1505]

Good one !

[@ladyiola]

Man! Do I ever know that now!!

[@lynnemelcombe5433]

To all the world, it looked like I had the perfect husband. All the caretaking (which I didn't want or need and found smothering), the obsessive work around the house and yard (which he insisted was how he showed his love, but were really just about his obsessiveness), the fact that he put up with my "unprovoked" outbursts of anger (which he provoked with constant little pokes at me emotionally) -- everyone thought he was a great husband. The cognitive dissonance kept me from leaving for years, and some people (most?) still don't know the truth.

[@Phoenix-tr1kh]

I totally get your pain. Mine said he showed his love by doing things. To his house that his mum owned. Even the furniture was bolted to the floor incase anyone tried to take it. The insidious subtle emotional jabs that go around your head until you explode!! Then it’s all your fault and you can be certain he’ll act like he doesn’t understand and tell everyone about your crazy outburst!

[@MarieAntoinette1938_tmc]

Yes, to them we are the instigators and ones that cause the problems, it’s never them ! Ha !

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Lynne Melcombe, you don't deserve to be with a narcissist!

[@josephmccarthy9341]

Proverbs 17:23 A wicked man taketh a gift out of the bosom to pervert the ways of judgment.

[@DavidDrummondTX]

It still amazes me how with each new video, you manage to outline yet ANOTHER behavior I've had to deal with over the last 20 years.

[@BoksCar29]

Each video describes my wife perfectly. Needless to say it is a miserable life to say the least. I would like to share things with my wife but I have learned that isn’t a good idea. I have become so numb to her that I say very little about anything knowing it won’t end up very good. It is a behavior of my wife that I have learned to walk softly being very careful with word usage. Thanks to Dr. Ramani and her video talks I come to understand just what I have been dealing with all these years. After my wife’s, seemingly, life long lectures I have often questioning my very existence.

[@DavidDrummondTX]

@@BoksCar29 I feel you. Every word. I'm stuck in that right now for another 34 months

[@christy3224]

The truth is, he’s ’s doing nothing for me. It’s all about his ego. He would like to see me utterly failed in every area of my life. I’ve wounded him so badly that he lashes out at me every chance he can get, and financially sabotages me to serve himself, and to see me struggling. He is my burden in life. The light at the end of this dark, narcissistic pit I’m in is that one day I will absolve every single financial tie I have to him, and that day I will be truly free.

[@roampnw9386]

Dr. Ramani, I just want to thank you for making these videos. They’ve helped me immensely in navigating my relationship with my narcissistic father. After 35 years I now understand it wasn’t my fault and I am worthy of love and respect. I can’t begin to thank you enough for your work and dedication in these videos!

[@thlp6872]

@Roam PNW - It’s quite the mind trip, isn’t it? God willing, I am finally putting myself first and intend to go no contact. We’ve been cheated.

[@sarahsaleh1305]

We’re blessed having her ♥️

[@danatkins5825]

So timely, only yesterday I was reminded how unappreciative I am. I don’t appreciate the fact that I’m alive and not aborted, I don’t appreciate the suffering of bearing me, I don’t appreciate all the gifts that I receive whenever I visit, even though I say thank you but I’m here to visit you not to receive gifts. I know that not matter what I do it will never be enough and sadly I take comfort knowing this and that I am not alone. Thank you for all your efforts, time, research, thoughts and all you do Dr . Ramani I appreciate you!

[@jeniferjohnson374]

I too feel like my parents only had us under the condition to have ppl that “owe” them for eternity. Once my mom ran that thought across the table (thank fully I was grown and I couldn’t get smacked across the face through the phone), and I said, “so you’ve contemplated murder? What kind of a person does that make you?!”

[@ladybaabaa3294]

I feel sorry for those people / parents who feel so unhappy and inadequate that they say and do these damaging things. Their inner worlds must be quite scary.

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

You realizing you're not rotten and you are normal is a scary thought for a narc. Stay strong

[@joywebster2678]

Dan you aren't alone. Be free of ever pleasing her. If you wish to continue contact be polite as you are, but expect no change. My mother is 90, no resolution, no change, I just keep it light contact and work the devastation out in therapy.

[@joseenoel8093]

Oh boy, pay as little attention as possible to her nonsense, she's just wanting to hear her own voice, mine would rant/sing "No charge for this and that" to which I paid so little attention that she needed to remind of whole horrible scenario I really did not know what the heck she was talking about!

[@StephanieSoressi]

Proverbs? "Don't wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty & the pig enjoys it."

[@matilda1505]

Spot on !

[@sebastienbolduc5654]

Ha ha ha, love it!

[@halfbreed4life62]

I remember that one...but I'd 4gotten it..thanks 4 the reminder

[@MagisterialVoyager]

Well said! And quite funny too.

[@ladyiola]

Oh snap!

[@nimmieamee1988]

A related and equally good proverb that applies here is “do not cast your pearls before swine,” IMO.

[@emilya7937]

This verse has come to mind a great many times in relation to these relationships for me as well!

[@ladyiola]

Facts!!!!!!

[@Picca65]

And almost the same: don't pull on a dead horse.

[@Show_Love_Serina]

Exactly!

[@racheltoner1906]

or they will trample them under their feet. they are horrible people with no morals and lack basic human respect. they literally do not care about others, unless you are supplying them with something they want and can't get themselves. there should be an island somewhere that they all should be cast to and left to their own devices, away from all the caring human beings that have empathy and love in their hearts and souls. they leave you feeling like you were not enough, when in truth it is themselves that where never enough and will never be enough. its a hard lesson to learn. it can leave you feeling shell shocked.

[@jmwillilams023]

I've said to my husband for 27 years, after he repeatedly gets us in debt or repeatedly gets caught in lies, big an small, "I'm not interested in riches and vacations. I'm interested in an honest and selfless man. Thats what "turns me on". He doesn't get it.

[@infinitetundra]

You wonder why your Hand is lacerated when you’re squeezing Thorns when all you have to do is let go.

[@MagisterialVoyager]

I need to hear this. Thank you.

[@joseenoel8093]

Tundra! Stay cool man, best of luck with all!

[@MarieAntoinette1938_tmc]

Wow ! Beautiful way to put it

[@HealingElements]

@infinite tundra ...powerful !! And beautifully true =(

[@HealingElements]

@@MarieAntoinette1938_tmc could not agree more. It is so eloquent when one sentence can stop you dead in your tracks. Bravo

[@emmyluyckx]

It took me 70 years to come to that insight! It feels like a liberation.

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Emmy Luyckx, you deserve better

[@Sanddollar754]

It's never to late to grow and just be yourself and happy. Amen🥰

[@Herbs-4-life]

My grandmother always said this and my husband doesn’t get it. He always needs to go to the extreme and claim that I am saying intention doesn’t matter. The real idea is when you have a situation where you claim you had “good intentions “ you actually have a lack of intention. If you had intention you would actually be more introspective and think about how your actions affect other people around you.

[@jerrystauffer2351]

I disagree. You fully intend to do the right thing but you either don't understand what you're doing or you face the law of unintended consequences.

[@Herbs-4-life]

@@jerrystauffer2351 perhaps that is true in some cases for some people. However, some narcissistic individuals fully understand on some level what they are doing and only engage in activities that they really want to participate in. For example the person who plays video games all day and claims they have no idea what it takes to run a household even though after their mother died they cooked and cleaned and took care of their dad for a year or so.

[@HealingElements]

@@Herbs-4-life completely get it , and appreciate your words

[@barbarasantay7386]

In my relationship with the narcissist there were endless promises that were broken. When confronted with this he would always say “Well I intended to” as if I should be okay with just the intent! Almost nine months of no contact and so relieved I am no longer on that highway to HELL with him.

[@brooke5395]

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. The road to heaven is not paved.

[@joseenoel8093]

Awesome, beam me up Scotty!

[@ailenefisher8068]

NICE!

[@MrRicehard]

Is that because it is a golden ladder reaching down.

[@user-dh2kn1qc6y]

It's paved by Jesus.

[@HealingElements]

Yasss we all individually have to build the road to heaven/the beyond for ourselves. Its me myself and I during my life review. *(with all the other celestial beings not judgmental narcissistic human beings"...great comment appreciate it

[@emilya7937]

A funny anecdote about "well-intentioned", narcissistic gift-giving: I think I asked for my spouse to be more "emotionally there". This descended into an argument (ie. me being argued AT) about how childish and immature I am for needing this. My spouse returned home with a gift to make up with me as he occasionally did. The gift was a lego set. Sickeningly, I didn't say anything as to the passive-aggressive nature of this "gift", but he was not pleased with my lack of gratitude for it. Post-breakup I came across the unopened box again, and have subsequently kept it as a reminder and symbol of how ridiculous everything always was.

[@dotnb]

This describes the relationship between me and my mum...

[@usedusermoser]

I hear you, I can relate 🙏

[@deadislander]

Me too

[@staysafe4315]

me too

[@joseenoel8093]

No kidding, smh! So me too, she'll die without ever seeing any of her 3 children again, she's in The Atlantic Bubble, the nursing home won't even be sending her to the hospital 🏥 for no no nothing. I did send a Get Well card and Valentine's Day card, soon I'll send a pic of my daughter's University Pic, I grew up being told I wasn't Uni material so instead put myself through college! She's dementia diva so no contact has remained simpler, I got pleasure from sending her cards, it gave me a sense of normalcy for which I am desperate!

[@salonsavy6476]

Me to ,,

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

If you're going through hell Keep going. - Helen Back

[@toddfallon179]

A 'highway to hell' and only a 'stairway to heaven' says a lot about anticipated traffic patterns 😉

[@matilda1505]

Haha ! Good observation.

[@ghuyakalika]

I took the long and winding road to hell 🔥 Now I am also on the road to recovery. Yay! Thank you for Dr Ramani! 💗

[@daniellesomerfield8799]

Religious abusers think that you just need more 'Word of God', or teaching or prayer or prophecies to fix the effect of their abuse.

[@cmsbeth]

My ex narc kept directing me to Bible verses. Meanwhile, he was drinking, smoking pot and sleeping with a prostitute. The world STILL believes he is a religious man. It is difficult NOT to allow that to affect your own belief system. I guess that is how the Devil works.

[@daniellesomerfield8799]

@@cmsbeth I'm sorry to hear your experience, yes they have a way of fooling people. Unfortunately a lot of people are captive to the religious spirit, The Holy Spirit would certainly never lead them to a prostitute.

[@benwilliams5236]

@@daniellesomerfield8799 "God has given them over to their OWN lusts". I look there first rather saying they have a religious spirit. That way they can't say, "the devil made me do it, I can't be held responsible".

[@CK-tf9lv]

​@@cmsbeth My boyfriend told me that he knew a lot of guys who would pretend to be religious in order to target, manipulate, and use church girls for sex. Unfortunately, many churches safe harbor these wolves in sheep's clothing, giving "grace" and "forgiveness" to the spiritual abusers while invalidating or blaming the victims. There are good guys out there who have no desire to sleep around, and especially not with a prostitute. I am glad that you are free from your ex narc, and I wish you lots of healing and a better future!

[@Yeshuaseekinggirl]

Ugh mine was a self proclaimed “son of God” yet I can’t imagine the pain and anguish he’s caused me would come from my Heavenly Father.

[@teal1010]

I did things that a healthy person would "appreciate", but the Narcissist told me that I didn't ask him what "he" wanted me to do! That confirmed my suspicion, that he had an endless supply of "hoops" for me to jump through! It's not who you are! It's the WAY the Narcissist is!

[@victorgonzalez2499]

Mine told me something like: I know you’re giving me a job, a house, food and traveling me all around Mexico for free. You’re just not giving me enough emotionally ( at this point I was grey rocking ). Then when the relationship imploded due to my own decision he said : I know I can’t be anything but grateful to you. (He never said he was grateful though, he just said he knew he should be )

[@teal1010]

Vìctor González Exactly! "Word Salad"! 🥗

[@FruityHachi]

that might just be that people have different love language and you assumed he had the same love language as you

[@victorgonzalez2499]

@@FruityHachi That's BS, no matter your love language gratitude and appreciation are deep human qualities that narcs lack

[@FruityHachi]

@@victorgonzalez2499 it's not bs and wanting them to express gratitude and appreciation for things you do for them is exactly what you criticise them on - that they expect of you to be grateful and appreciative of what they do for you and get angry when you don't what i see is lack of proper communication skills - neither party openly expresses what they need in order to feel loved, they just assume what the other person SHOULD feel appreciation for neither views the other as an individual with their individual needs, feelings and boundaries

[@shanicegordon8331]

What about this proverbs “Seeing is Believing”, some people in these relationship will see everything the narcissist does and know they are not a good person but just don’t BELIEVE what’s actually happening (what they see). How do you start the process of actually believing what you see and stop gaslighting yourself or ignore it, even when you have the research and can identify it. I feel like actually believe what you see is harder than it sounds.

[@MegDD3912]

For me I would say it took a few months for it to sink in good

[@shanicegordon8331]

@@MegDD3912 I hope everyone that goes through this gets there 💗

[@KB-by3vl]

With a Covert Narcissist, you 🙈 see the most bizarre, messed up #nonsense, so Believing, seems like the last rational option.

[@melaniedavis3637]

So True, my husband was good with words but never actions. The phrase I said all the time back to him was "Love is a verb"; your words are just words without actions.

[@shanicegordon8331]

@@melaniedavis3637 I love that! Love is a verb!, so powerful

[@nicbro3831]

I had to rewind a part in the middle to listen to it again. Descrbes my mother in law perfectly. "I know you asked for money to help pay for your dental work for Christmas and I know you said you don't want anything else but that's not fun for me so here's a bunch of stuff you don't have room for." It's about her, not anyone else, ever. Im about to completely stop celebrating Christmas so I have a reason to turn down all the stupid expensive stuff she buys that I don't even want or need. I understand how ungrateful this sounds but I hate the woman. She is a total narcissist and I'm so sick of dealing with these people in my life.

[@smushbrain]

Not everyone will understand, but I do. All the comments about “oh it’s your mother” is just the gaslighting of others. You know your truth. Hold onto it. Others don’t have to live in your shoes.

[@6431mastermind]

Proverb - No good deed goes unpunished.

[@ajh757]

He used to say that he had good intentions all the time! I would tell him how his actions or his words would hurt me and he would say, “but I have such good intentions for us!” I found myself lecturing and prescribing decent human behavior to an adult man! That’s when I knew it was time to get out. The moment you find yourself explaining basic human decency to an adult 🚩🚩🚩

[@montanak7]

My 25 yo daughter just broke up w fiancé after three or four years.. he was useless mean degrading and self serving but every three months they went on vacation. It was weird. She is doing better now. But it’s only been a couple weeks. Even though he has caused a system breakdown for last 18 months. She’s finally seeing him. Thank you for your videos. She’s not watching them, but I am. This is a generational thing.

[@80islandia]

Yes! I have learned that extravagant gift giving in place of listening to the needs of the gift receiver can cause a lot of confusion until you can’t unsee the red flags any more.

[@franchescairby4834]

The gifts part really resonated with me. He buys me things for no reason, but won't do anything around the house I need done, and the things he buys are things he likes.

[@JA-ko6xu]

Exactly. Both the false, self-righteous intentions they use to justify their terrible behaviour, and the doomed intentions with which we try to fix everything ourselves.

[@russfultz3362]

I was on this road to hell, and I fricking arrived! Spent 5 years there. Now you better believe I'm driving like a bat out of hell outta there!

[@kamille8872]

Love this series. Just when you thought you were woke enough, BAM. ❤

[@exx6312]

My mother’s favorite saying. Anytime some says “I didn’t mean to ...” well regardless what you intended, you did... yet I married into it anyway and heard it over and over

[@sarahpoisonfr]

If I've got you, Dr. Ramani, I will be okay. You have saved my life so many times. Whenever I'm not feeling okay, I get out my phone and say "I need you, Ramani!".

[@flynnenoire538]

"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone" -Alan Watts

[@kristalshyt]

My ex-husband had a tattoo with an altered form of this phrase: "The road to betrayal is paved with trust." He claimed that he got the tattoo after his first wife (I was #2) betrayed him, but in retrospect, I now realize that for some reason he put a warning label on himself.

[@annettedillon3233]

Its their broken promises, intentions, that we start building a heavenly life around...but it turns to a Hellish life with their debts and endless-problems.

[@dawngriffith3668]

Undermining my relationships with my sons, destroying their good opinion of me through his seeming generosity is evil behavior masking as good intentions. When I asked him to lay low and let my sons have a relationship with me he was unable, so afraid of loosing control of them. Today there's not much chance that my now grown sons will see through the scapegoating. In their eyes I don't care about them!!!! Pure evil behavior. I did everything in my power believing that it may be possible for us all to heal in this generation. Narcissists don't change their spots. They just learn ever more treacherous tricks to control and manipulate their prey.

[@meninpursuitofpurpose3331]

"Happiness is not about having what we want, but wanting what we have." ~ Dr. Melvyn Kinder

[@jadewheeler4104]

Oh how I can relate. Bought me a Jaguar & an AR50, but refused to renew our vows & said did it ever occur to you why I won't renew our vows "Ask Yourself Why". Total bombshell & still I stayed. I often look back and say who was sicker him or me......

[@uknpdsurvivor660]

First here...clicked Like before I even listened 😃 Dr Ramani is a legend

[@orphanrecordcompany]

I am legit curious why this “first” is a thing in comments. Especially since it usually isn’t...

[@uknpdsurvivor660]

@@orphanrecordcompany It's just fun!

[@krishabelgrove937]

How do heal after leaving a narcissistic abusive relationship? It’s hard.

[@dianapinedoojeda]

I havent left living with my father and everyday I get strong suicidal thoughts. I dont know where to run to or what to do. All my family has given the back on me because no one wants to deal with it

[@jeniferjohnson374]

@@dianapinedoojeda The best and first thing you must do is realize you cannot control or change much. Once you have that ahah moment where you realize it’s all about him and not you (even tho they are blame experts), the freedom you will feel is amazing. Ik it won’t stop him from still hurting you when he speaks or acts, but this is the launch pad to getting into a healthier situation. Start connecting with HEALTHY-minded friends-if your family is turning a blind eye you don’t need them anyway. Then as you get the chances, find a safe roommate living situation via friends and safe word of mouth so that you can go onto college safely and free of his drama and toxicity. You may have to go through a period of time without talking much or at all to him. Wether it’s your goal or not, most relationships like that improve with distance. I hope this helps as I’ve been through this myself with parents and an ex husband. I only wish I had known what I’m advising you at your age

[@matilda1505]

@@dianapinedoojeda Heartily agree with everything Jenifer said. Remember, their response or lack of it to your situation reflects on them, not you. Before you diagnose yourself with major depression, make sure you are not surrounded by asholes ! You are not alone ! Sending my understanding, love and compassion your way .

[@Picca65]

Therapy. Love yourself.

[@matilda1505]

It’s damn hard ! I’m going through it right now. I’m at the point that I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet ! But I’m here to get inspired that it can be done, and to learn from all those wonderful people sharing their experiences how to do it . I hope it works for you.

[@immaculatedocnato2054]

The more I make him comfortable, the more I get broken. I am never enough to him. He has had multiple affairs and is always broke. After 18 years of trying, I am fed up and I pray to God that I get out soon. Worked for a narcissistic boss who created a narcissistic environment and never paid us what we deserved. Nothing positive comes out of narcissistic relationships. The gifts they pretend to offer are traps. You have to pay for them in a subtle way.

[@barryosullivan3428]

Dr Ramani thank u! U just described my narcissistic family to a tee! My siblings will ignore me, neglect me and gaslight me and yet they think they can buy me gifts twice a year on my birthday and at Christmas and that is a sufficient 'payment' for the horrible way in which they treat me, this video has really opened my eyes, thank u!

[@eritquearcus8002]

My experience: they hold the target that you’re trying to reach , and moving it so you never get to the point that they are satisfied and you get insulted. sometimes,they do let you reach the target so you feel good that you didn’t got insulted one time.but then, they start again. you are getting more and more exhausted, more and more confused,and more unsure about yourself. for them it’s just a game, for you it’s relationship.You just can’t have normal relationships with them.

[@bahle20]

It's painful to watch this very same thing being done on my teenage daughter by my ex. It hurts me so much and I know that it's intended to hurt me. I am praying about it because I can't block him on her behalf

[@universeofopulence]

@@bahle20 ...educate her about narcissim...I have told my kids about it, and they r very well aware of Gaslighting and shifting goal posts etc etc...at least they cannot be made a fool of anymore & they r preteeens yet..

[@guitarplayerfactorychannel]

the screaming baby gets what it wants. why the hell would you want to grow up?! and you get to train others to serve you!!

[@Donita1213]

Wow yes the gift giving thing is strange. Myself I don't like a lot of clutter I don't like a lot of knickknacks. Unless they have them personal meaning for me or my family. My ex filled his tiny place with tons of knickknacks he got from the thrift store. Which is fine for me I didn't live there. but he would insist on buying me little things from the thrift store. First couple of times was fine. Then I said hey let's just maybe save some money and buy some art supplies like paper and pencils instead. Because we both like to draw. Let's just say he didn't appreciate that. They really don't know how to compromise.

[@matilda1505]

They don’t know the meaning of the word compromise ! My way or the highway !

[@peggycearnach8034]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. When you realise you were fooled thousands of times, it’s overwhelming. It’s hard to trust your own judgment of others intentions after being duped for so long.

[@josephinegonzaleztillman8331]

Dr Ramani My question can you make a video for women who have teen and adult kids from their first marriage! and married to a narcissist please??

[@feinia7264]

Narc’s way of getting themselves off the hook, coming off as the caring hero and shift the blame/guilt to you: “I meant well” or “I mean you well” without ever considering what you might ACTUALLY need/want instead foisting their own agenda onto you.

[@vikkinusser9307]

I'd really love to hear more about the narcissist's side of the road with the gifts and ostensibly giving behavior.

[@shobanarao7663]

Ditto my father. He gaslights and invidates me then gives me this super expensive gift which l didn't ask for and don't appreciate. When he doesn't get the reaction he wants he loses it and tells me lm ungrateful, useless etc etc. So glad lve cut communication with him and am healing.

[@tinlaa7519]

This is correct tho. Every narcissistic things she did will always come with justification that will let her get away with it. Every yell, every insults every belittling are always 'i did that because i love u' 'i did that because u are so.......' 😒😒😒

[@matilda1505]

Yep!

[@Filthy_Larry]

Hot the nail on the head on that one. Is it normal to love your relatives even if they are narcs? My head is screwed up because of this lol

[@jenniferjohnson4706]

@@Filthy_Larry .love them at a distance

[@Filthy_Larry]

@@jenniferjohnson4706 I’m emotionally distant form them. Been so since I was a kid.

[@sarapearson6124]

Specifically the topic of a narcissist hiding money from their spouse.

[@HealingElements]

Been there. Financial Abuse is definitely a narcissistic personality tactic

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Sara Pearson, you got a lovely smile!

[@lindytucker5724]

Then accuses the spouse of hiding money

[@jeniferjohnson374]

Narcissism is an ocean and in the past I took the bait. Not anymore

[@alteredconscience1138]

You snapped with this one Dr. Ramani! Especially reiterating how the narc is always self serving and draining your energy with gifts you don’t need but can’t be there the way you need them. Then the victim constantly tries to compromise while the narc never compromises, just gaslights. Can you do a video on what to do when you’re a bystander of a narcissistic relationship?

[@paul2019monte]

They only do the "good things" if they can make hay by others knowing and admiring their incredible generosity (and your lack of appreciation for whatever they did). A non narcissistic person does not typically broadcast their good works or look for credit for them. A good person helps one with a task that is not glamorous and does not seek narcissistic supply from doing it. And yes, actually meets something that the person needs not some over-the-top gesture that was not asked for and is often a burden to the target. If it is a partner sometimes this is something that is not affordable and so essentially the victim ends up paying for it because of course they are usually tasked with taking care of mundane expenditures such as bills.

[@mariee.5912]

hmm, yes. I can relate. My coworker never inteds to be disrespectful, but she does. Also, this person wanted to give me so many "compliments" in front of the supervisors, but then ignore my requests. It looks like she got this far by overly complementing peo0le, but as an introverted I hate it, especially when I can see that it wasn't genuine, it was just a narcissistic trait.

[@matilda1505]

You are so right. Some ppl can make even complements insulting.

[@meadowdavidson]

“Self serving gifts that feed their ego”- yes 💯💯💯 expensive gifts but won’t help with any daily household task

[@leahboynton1280]

The root cause of my persistence to keep trying to please him with good intentions came from being raised to keep treating people who were unkind to me with kindness. This a dangerous belief if you come across a narcissists who always will exploit this till you can't be exploited anymore. Be kind to everyone who come across your path but if you are disrespected or treated poorly that's where the kindness stops and the indifference to them should begin. Treating people who treat you poorly over and over with no regard for their behavior with kindness makes you bait for toxic people and you become a self sacrificing door mat.

[@lynnellis7353]

With my narcissistic family I feel, when I engage with them, that I am in the crosshairs of the devil.

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Lynn Ellis,you deserve better

[@ohidontknow25]

Sometimes after a particularly rough encounter, its nice to just come here and be around people who know.

[@victorialadybug1]

Never throw your pearls before swine. I've had to learn how to apply that proverb over the years with narcissistic friends

[@montanak7]

“land-mine / love-bombing”

[@colywogable]

Whenever I point out my mother's abuse, she says, "After all I've done for you!"... as if gifts and support means that you get to abuse someone!

[@jenniferjohnson4706]

Nothing you do will satisfy them, nothing is enough absolutely nothing in this world, oh yeah there is something, leave them, no contact and dump them and make yourself happy for a change.

[@marksilver8080]

No matter what you do, you'll never please a narcissist. They will cheat and lie every single time.

[@matilda1505]

Agreed ! They can’t commit to one person, they’re on a mission to have everyone to commit to them.

[@tekishiachambers3077]

This break my heart when children are involved!

[@feralcruz2093]

"Beware of those who cut the heads of others to appear tall"

[@clarac.6570]

It is hard to point someone's intentions and intimate thoughts. But if their actions constantly lead to a place of self doubt, criticism, contempt, gaslighting, fear and disrespect, there is something wrong beyond whatever the "intention" could be. Thank you Dr. Ramani for sharing such good content.

[@sharonkingston9450]

"Eaten bread is soon forgotten" by Thomas Fuller. Some Narcissists use this one, especially in Ireland. 🌻

[@matilda1505]

Good one!

[@NyaLittlebird]

Omg spot on. He's so constantly rude, but then only "sorry" that "I took/perceived it that way". And then when over time resentment builds, I'M THE JERK for wishing that at the age of 40 and 5 years into the relationship he had basic manners. Such an idiot.

[@MariaSantana-ul5wd]

Over-functioning to satisfy a bottomless pit of a narcissist has to reach an end point. There comes a moment where you have to hold back from this and go the opposite direction to stop the retraumatizing of your soul.

[@StevenKroeger]

My Roommate manipulator..is Slandering me to every one she knows..So I had my Lawyer send Her a cease and Desist Letter :)

[@DivineDissident]

“If you are so unhappy in this marriage, why do you accept all the clothes and things I buy for you?” 🤔🤔🤔🤔

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Peacy,I admire your lovely smile!

[@Expose_bankers_and_auctioneers]

@@lioydwilliams1850 looking for victims here?

[@JM-dv3zn]

I was on the road to hell for three and a half years. He threw me out.... first I was upset...now I realize he did me a favour.

[@PatriceDEvans]

Amen sis. That title is everything! 👌🏾 I think that’s why we keep getting stuck in the relationships. We think they don’t mean it.

[@zoets.6281]

the fact that I know the person that is exactly like that! and the excuse to every toxic thing is "I'm doing it out of care, out of love, out of respect, if you can't understand it it's your fault" !

[@heathermixson1265]

One thing I know to be a complete truth? The atmospheric energy is better when they are not around ........point blank, period. You. Can. Breathe...........😌

[@pyarkaaloo]

yes 💯

[@Hundredacredaycare]

Yes

[@joseenoel8093]

Always the victims, hiding behind do-gooders' masks, they're your non-needed, way ahead of time grave diggers simply because they'd enjoy that job more than anyone else.

[@matilda1505]

Haha!

[@joseenoel8093]

@@matilda1505 (😵😬😖😐😶🐂💩) They'd probably have the audacity to dig only a a full moon too! 😍💐

[@matilda1505]

@@joseenoel8093 😂

[@brettweary8491]

Absolutely Doctor Ramani Correct as Always

[@kdkinz2272]

Dr. Ramani, could you do a segment on the violent female narcissist? When this particular narcissist didn't get her way with her (many) husbands, she would attack them (scream, kick, scratch, spit, stab, bite). She lured them in with love-bombing, then soon after the marriage the violence would begin anytime she didn't get her way. . None the husbands fought back, she chose all kind and gentle men. They just tried harder and harder to please her. I don't think this is unusual. Men need to know that this kind of woman is out there and to beware! They are very hard to spot! P.s. I know that one of the ex-husband's is a huge fan of yours :)

[@lioydwilliams1850]

KD Kinz, you got a lovely smile!

[@eroishacrasto4322]

This may just be the empath in me, but Doctor Ramani does not look as happy/healthy as she normally does. Hope you're doing ok Doc!

[@fearlessliving6797]

I was thinking exactly the same. May be she was just tired.

[@skdewolf7606]

A Narcissist always always gives gifts (if they do) with strings attached. My ex narcissist took all the money out of his daughters bank account when she went no contact with him. How low and petty. Although I don’t think she cared she literally left with just the clothes on her back. She, like me finally had enough.

[@lioydwilliams1850]

SK DeWolf, you don't deserve to be with a narcissist cause you are too beautiful!

[@MrJerryStevenson]

I’m beginning to think this channel is bad for someone in therapy having problems. It’s a very us against them presentation. Sopolsky said that that gene, that “I gotcha” instinct is one of the strongest in human evolution. I don’t think it’s good for my BPD because it teaches Alamo at black and white thinking as well. Often repeated here is your not suppose to be sullen, your not supposed to seek validation. Now I’m sure I’m going to watch something about being disciplined. I’ve been poisoned by a chimney for two years. I’ve dealt with trauma. I had a year of sobriety and relapsed. I’m alone. I think I’m ready to say enough already with all this psychology and psychobabble. My therapist is trying to get me to admit a bipolar diagnosis. “I’ve been tracking you” she says. I’m not bipolar. I’ve been watching psych videos for two years now. In my gut I think this is wrong. I think it was a toxic environment. I’m just done with the world today. I have had enough. People are cruel.

[@keshawashington1684]

Dr Ramani, does love bombing only happen when the narcissists think your going to leave them? Totally unrelated but I noticed my controlling husband does this when I'm tryna xscape..could he b a narcissists?

[@emanuel8872]

Exactly like you described. How about situation when kid is sick, and the rage start like crazy, it is so difficult for narc, I am tired of my wife. At least I finally found out what is wrong with her. I have been known for 5 months. I was looking for answer and I was trying to understand why she is so rude, unhappy, no satisfaction. She was trying to provoke me to hit her. So confusing. And I she is keep telling me that something wrong with me and my family.

[@charquirense]

Dr. Ramani, just two days ago I was told. “I don’t love you any more, my love went down.” Then I answered “I’m glad you don’t love me any more because I never understood why you hurt me that much.” What I’m afraid now is since you don’t love me your punishment will be unbearable and no one can help me because you are a lier. Only God and my daughter and granddaughter know about the abuse you creat in this house.