World Leading Relationship Therapist: Why Your EGO is RUINING Your Relationship! | Esther Perel

Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is back. Esther is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. If you've ever wondered when a relationship is worth saving or why we grieve after a breakup, Esther has incredible insights to share that you can apply to your own relationship. Let's discover the power of accountability in relationships and how it can trigger positive change!
If you liked this episode, then you’ll enjoy my conversation with world-leading therapist Lori Gottlieb: • WORLD LEADING THERAPIS...
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
02:14 Why Do We Grieve After a Breakup?
09:05 How to Turn Conflict Into Connection
16:03 Negative Effects of Losing "Curiosity"
20:58 The Blame Game
26:10 How to Make Your Partner Feel Important
33:11 Doing New Things Together
39:27 Mutual Breakups
47:21 Before & After Betrayal
53:41 The Intersection of Relationships, Technology, and Mental Health
57:28 The False Relationship Narrative that Failed us
01:08:54 Diversifying Long-Term Relationships
01:15:02 Why Passion Doesn't Always Last
01:20:02 The Real Definition of Self Confidence
01:27:03 "Where Should We Begin?" A Game of Stories with Esther Perel
Episode Resources:
www.estherperel.com
/ estherperel
/ estherperelofficial
/ @estherperel
/ esther.perel
Esther's books: www.amazon.com/stores/Esther-...
Esther's podcast: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Want to learn to coach like Jay Shetty? Discover how here: gtly.to/PMlHc6JZw

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

I’d like to invite you to join this community and subscribe to the channel. By hitting the 'Subscribe' button, you're not just becoming a subscriber - you're choosing to make a positive difference in your life.

[@dubatransport4545]

Is a shety podacast 😮

[@ravensridgeInn]

❤

[@GoldzenJuLz]

🎉 24:24 wow, insightful and helpful this is so helpful thank you infinitely

[@CustomizedFocus]

I am choosing to make a positive difference in my Life thank you for this Thought leadership. ❤

[@reabetsoengwepe3718]

Jay pls get Tyler the creator on your show,mans a genius.

[@gunarasnaca6130]

“Every choice comes with a loss” recognizing and allowing the grief is the key to life and a shield against depression!

[@sandimacleod6205]

😮

[@sherryp3411]

Duality...it's the nature of life

[@rubenstlaurent913]

Well said!!

[@neidabarco7052]

“taking responsibility is liberating because the only thing you can really change is you” so good!! 👌

[@michelleveloni1329]

Agree

[@chestermijnals6914]

Two minutes into the podcast and I know this is going to be one of the best podcasts in a while. Every word Esther Perel utters seems to contain wisdom.

[@antonietamunoz532]

I felt the same exact way!!

[@Higherheightsgroup]

I feel the same! 😮😊😊😮

[@valvrj]

Sharing the same feeling!

[@Quadrye]

Literally was gonna comment that!

[@JB89_]

And I love her practical, brusqueness! ❤

[@SueChef100]

"Listen more than you speak, understand more than you know and be present"

[@mildredmaldonado2941]

💯👏🏼

[@williambenson7197]

I would love to see more podcasts addressing mental illness in relationships. The same approaches and philosophies are not applicable. But many of us still desire a loving relationship.

[@neogbfe3587]

I agree, I have experienced many partners that want to build a relationship with me. However, trauma, past addiction and anxiety has been a constant concern. I have no issue with putting my concerns out there, it’s just that partners don’t try to understand me, when they have expectations and are in so call love.

[@ilovehim1995h]

Because mental illness is also part of taking responsibility. It’s not your fault but it’s your responsibility

[@morseemily]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

[@Jennifer-bw7ku]

Yes, dr.sporessss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@IkamiLog]

I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

Is he on instagram?

[@Jennifer-bw7ku]

Yes he is. dr.sporessss

[@MC-Jean91]

Esther Perel is the best therapist out there. Every podcast or TED Talks she gives is a mind blowing and frontier breaking experience. I learn every single time new techniques about relationships and all in all about life. Long live Mrs. Perel

[@giuliamadoglio9492]

"Why are you not competent so that I don't have to feel so helpless?" This applies to so many work situations as well!!

[@senamelaku3832]

"My life is so important. Thank you for understanding it."

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@zaleemu]

The insight of this woman is unparalleled. Such a privilege to have access to her thoughts

[@Monas99]

well said, it's truly a privilege to listen to her wisdom. thank you Jay for interviewing her.

[@rachaelfilla5555]

14 mins in and im weeping at my desk. So relieving to hear language given to confusing things

[@katherinebaker1177]

Yes!! I’ve been searching the internet for so long trying to use the right words and was getting very discouraged only to find this video and feel the confusion being met with something tangible that I knew HAD to be out there somewhere! 😂

[@theroadie08]

I had a pretty upsetting argument with my girlfriend of five months, and it caused me to wake up at 4am. Somehow your interview with Esther popped up in my feed and I've been watching it and taking notes. I felt like I was losing my relationship with her due to the deeper self-evaluation we are having, and now I'm realizing a whole lot more that I need to work on with myself and with her. Thank you so much

[@MajICReiki]

Great insight ❤ keep up the good work! My first time seeing Esther and she is very informative.

[@davebalmada]

She’s lucky to have someone that’s interested in learning and curious about these topics. All the best!

[@Lalallalu]

Synchronicity is real - the helping hand from God / the Universe! 🌟

[@twonrichpo1126]

Awesome bro

[@CHERYLSTOWE-qm9id]

Yes I went to fight mode because he wouldn't put me first. He wouldn't take his x amongst others, off phone he had rather have them . I was heart sick as his wife to not be first. Then he said he blocked but he did not as I found out and he left because I wanted him to remove them he lied and left shortly later .

[@Followtheflowers]

I really love any time someone lets Ester Perel guide them into her world of conflict resolution. Brilliant.

[@Mushroom321-]

Yes!!🎉🎉

[@Marywhite-pd1hw]

A very fascinating video, this brings back painful memories which i have been enduring. My relationship of 5 years ended 3 months ago. The love of my life decided to leave me , I really love him so much I can’t stop thinking about him , I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated , I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here , I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him

[@Marywhite-pd1hw]

Interesting , how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how can i get in touch with her?

[@Marywhite-pd1hw]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@skyislight3804]

Is it a him or her 😂

[@covertperspective7169]

Botty bot bot bot

[@Coloradom3]

Sucks they not bots in here preying on the heart broken

[@galaxythree4653]

I have been impressed by Ester's insights for years. This is what relationship therapy should look like for anyone seeking help. Too many times you end up with therapists who apply personality lables and place blame. This is why most therapy in the U.S. ends in divorce. Thank you for showing people a great example of what help and reason look like. Frustration, fear, confusion, do not need personality labels and medications. You need insight and logical changes you can apply to yourself.

[@Akira-rr6tc]

Going through a breakup heartache. This is just what I needed

[@jenniferruiz2245]

Me too girl. I am praying for you.

[@anac5544]

I'm praying for both!! Grief is the hardest thing! But is not impossible!🩵🙏🏻

[@therohan2550]

Share this to my girlfriend also . She also got heartache today.😢😊

[@Apeksha_Banodhiya_All-zx4kp]

Healing thoughts to you...

[@evaevaevaevaevaeva]

I don't know why but I have been feeling really sad today, overthinking and dwelling on things I shouldn't. Watching this episode has really lifted my spirits and turned sad tears to happy, hopeful ones. Thank you Jay and Esther for a nourishing conversation 💗💗

[@FlowersandSun22]

Do something kind for yourself today. Go buy yourself some flowers. You deserve to be happy💐 try to sit in those moments more often

[@evaevaevaevaevaeva]

​​@@FlowersandSun22Thank you so much for taking the time to write these kind words and suggestions. It really means a lot. Wishing you lots of happiness 💗

[@lynda2844]

Ahhh we all feel sad sometimes 😢 I’m glad you felt better after having watched this podcast. I have been bedridden for the last couple of days and just took a covid test and waiting the 15 minutes for the results. You are not alone. I hope your sadness passes soon and you are back to your old self 😊

[@geetarambaran9164]

I feel the same..in a place of soul searching..this conversation needs to be on repeat..

[@sallybayubay5556]

0

[@ForeverMindStory]

Mind blown by the depth of insights in this conversation with Esther Perel ❤🧡 Who else feels like they just had a therapy session? ~ ⭐Forever Mind Story⭐

[@theresas.3808]

I sure do! I’m taking what she says for self examination in my relationship with my partner.

[@rosiemetha1413]

Rite

[@GodzWillProducer]

Definitely.. I'm confused at a certain part. She says don't have a checklist of what you want in your partner, but then she says to look for a partner that will be good for the "life story"... so which is it? Don't have a checklist, or do? I have a checklist, but it's based on what I learned in past relationships, what I know I want in my partner to fulfil my life purpose. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[@wendythiel2059]

She is so clever and assertive..not to mention beautiful too!

[@sakrypapilon1320]

Love love Esther Perel, she makes it so easy to understand relationships and is almost very accurate with most information. The best of two!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

agreed! ❤

[@joesmitt8943]

Hello I was just scrolling through the app and I got a psychic divination about you "you are still in love with someone, who you think doesn't love you back" I'm I Correct?

[@deltabravo4589]

I have not been feeling ok lately. Listening to this podcast made me feel like I could breathe again. Thank you for bringing clarity and new ways of understanding the loss I am dealing with right now. I will listen again because I want to make sure I don’t forget any of the amazing points Esther brings up. I want to hear more from this lady! She knows her stuff🤯👏👏

[@shanzaasghar2974]

I am glad I turned on this podcast it's so worth watching.❤

[@Gabucha888]

Heard the whole interview. Which actually felt very honest and fascinating on how you two open up their own emotions to all of us. Beautiful minds.

[@sophiashekinah9872]

This may be the single most impactful relationship discussion I've ever heard! I think I need to listen to it a few more times, and find ways to implement these insights in my friendships until I get into a romance again.

[@joannm5981]

I didn’t want this talk to end. It spoke to me in so many ways and came at a perfect time.

[@melaniefox-smith8776]

What a gem Esther Perel is. I am so grateful that she is educating the masses.

[@hope-sharma]

This video is soooo important. I sooo needed this. I've been trying to work through my faults and project my love, fears & complaining in a better way with the person I'm in love with. We're both hurting ourselves & each other, despite being deeply in love. 👏🏼👏🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

[@christinaroma9905]

Having Jay and Esther together i was fully invested from the first minute One of my favourites I love Esther’s passion There is a lot more freedom to change yourself

[@duresabih]

This woman is on another level of wisdom

[@user-ii2is8om1l]

Love Ester Perel and how she approaches every problem makes it easy for other people to understand a relationship from where we stand. Both of them are so brilliant.

[@yanakogan7289]

I just finished Esther Perel’s book ‘Mating in Captivity’ , and this is such a great add on to relationships perspective. ❤

[@vunenenthani6640]

I truly love Esther, Like Wow I never get tired of hearing her.

[@TheKimieD]

Having lost a deep connection at the time this podcast was released, I couldn’t get myself to watch it. I waited. I’ve recently reconnected with the person who I believe is the love of my life and watching this fuels my strive to be vigilant in fighting for a relationship and person I believe in. Thank you so much 🙏🏽

[@cataliu]

I was a little bit over the relationship podcasts, but damn Esther always has some new insights that blow my mind away.

[@lhawangdorji6718]

Thank you, Jay, for bringing her on this episode. Listening to both of you felt like an enlightening experience. Ester Perel is so generous and energetic. Just loved her. I will never be bored of listening her. Love to see her again. Thanks!

[@Gaitini]

She’s the best! Have heard these answers before in other talks but it’s always so good to be reminded 🙏

[@awilliams8988]

This is the best conversation about relationships I've EVER heard! I can totally relate to everything as it relates to my husband.

[@dydysank9230]

Thank Jay, I just start to listen to you because I wanted to ameliorate my English than you provide me more than English lessons. You also provide me life lessons. Thank you so much, you’re amazing ❤❤❤. This video is that I needed right now. 🥰You’re doing a great job 👏🏽

[@bhavtabhagwandeen2077]

Incredibly mind blowing, eye opening , jaw dropping. Absolutely lost for words. Thank you for sharing ❤

[@grat2010]

Esther Perel is the best! I will have to rewatch this several more times for all the little pearls and gems that get dropped throughout. Thank you Esther! Thank you Jay!

[@GeorgFKalandra]

me too... ;-) she is really the best

[@ameliacarter4376]

WOW! this lady is a genius! Love her!

[@AmaranthineIntrigue]

I always love listening to Esther. What a beautiful mind and heart. I would love to talk to her for a while.

[@ruthsharuz8384]

I'd listen to Esther Perel all day everyday. Thanks Jay Shetty for this.

[@melissasmith8844]

Esther is really one of a kind. Never disappoints. What an amazing podcast ❤

[@yennimabelcamayobastidas4015]

Loved it! Best episode ever. What a beautiful and meaningful conversation 🫶

[@ruizisaac7395]

she is really the GOAT of relationship psychology

[@debreciafonville8963]

There is such truth in this podcast. I'm gonna listen multiple times and take notes!

[@francesbeth2077]

First start with two mentally healthy individuals, healed of past trauma. I like her saying life story vs a love story. I always wanted the two combined. Impression s as opposed to a realistic evaluation of life together. The talk reminds me of a passionate Elise Keaton and her explanations on life, where she is always giving insightful teaching. I am always learning and relearning about what true love is.

[@LinaMarcela]

Love this lady, she is always light!

[@user-zh4io2uo4k]

Thank you so much! I wanna watch it again! So many wonderful thoughts! Everyone has to watch this interview)

[@josephinewanjiku7406]

Such a powerful conversation. Thank you Jay. She truly is a wonderful therapist

[@bonzvon6620]

ADORE this episode, I am sure it speaks to so many people and it surely does to me, the way you are both expressing yourselves so intelligently and soulfully is wonderful to witness

[@rosaandthestars7778]

This is so valuable. One of the most amazing approaches to relationship problems ❤

[@lavendertwilight08]

I really love this. I'm in such a rough patch with my relationship. There is so much good but navigating conflict we are both HORRIBLE at. Binging these has really helped me see all the things I can change and improve or for myself before accusing my partner of the same things I'm doing right now and break the cycle

[@chanicest.hilaire7679]

Great realization.

[@Kristina.Butterfly]

You not just getting started, you now have to sustain it Jay. Blessings. ✨

[@JsCing]

Love Esther and her talk show always makes me aware more about myself and Jay, thank you!

[@nillagabriella9137]

This was such an amazing collab !!!!! Literally my 2 most favorite people

[@janetadams3467]

Never learnt as much that's so helpful like I have from Esther..amazing episode. Thank you

[@cleopatra3137]

Esther, amazing knowledge EVERYTIME! Such a therapeutic session 💯

[@nmenonm]

@jay shetty & @esther, you guys hit it off so beautifully, challenging each other gracefully and letting us learn about how to cultivate beautiful relationships in the process ❤❤

[@junecarter9330]

Omg this fed me full! An abundance of wisdom, knowledge and practical advice. I am so grateful! 🤲🏾 Thank you!

[@sidharthasatapathy3491]

We can have many many love stories with different people. But we cannot have life stories with so many people. There are very very few people with whom we can spend our life with ❤️ Loved that❤️ Romantic consumerism is another thing that u heard for the first time, how social media is fooling people, spoiling their lives, guys don't just use social media for fun, use it less & use it for growth.

[@michelleveloni1329]

Perfect example of how quickly a couple can go there! Even after 40 years....I really relate!

[@whatsnext2359]

Btw, I agree with you 100%. Eat, hang out, then do the dishes. We often host gatherings at our house, and I always wait till the end of the evening or till the next morning to do dishes. I don't feel that it is good hosting etiquette to do dishes while our guests are here. Nothing says the party is over and pack up like doing the dishes during a dinner party. I also want to spend as much time as possible catching up with our guests and I certainly want them to feel welcomed & relaxed while at our place. We actually used to hang out with a couple that would invite us over for dinner quite often, and we would help them prepare dinner, and clean as we cooked. They would rush through eating dinner, then get up and start clearing the dishes while I was still eating. I would shove as much food down as I could, as I felt rushed. We would then wash, dry and put away every last dish, followed by cleaning the kitchen in detail before hanging out. It became too stressful & unenjoyable, so we decline dinner invites unless we're eating out, or we're hosting. 😅

[@PurpleToni]

Amazing, truly enlightening conversation. Thank you.

[@GodzWillProducer]

Been listening to Ester Perel for years. She is awesome. great wisdom

[@nouchebag]

The most enlightening podcast I’ve heard in a while ✨

[@spamsausage]

I genuinely feel like I need to rewatch this and take notes. So much good information and so many good tips

[@rafaelalvarez1976]

Two of my favorite podcasters in one session. I absolutely loved this episode. All time favorite ❤

[@sdeonmahadeo2594]

I’m 16 minutes in and loving all of it!! Amazing interview ❤

[@Visionstovisuals]

This is one of those video i would watch multiple times because it encompasses so much knowledge on how to better understand your and your partner's perspective on the same situation or just why relationships don't work out in general

[@okolokoP]

I was thinking the same thing

[@lee5918]

Always love hearing Ester Perel talks. The words she said are insightful and helpful.

[@monaperry2635]

The circumstances determine a lot whether you leave or stay especially in relationships that have alcoholism or addiction.

[@abiansekar4627]

so grateful for this conversation. thank you❤

[@FlowersandSun22]

I love this background 🎉 great conversation as usual. I love how you cover every aspect possible on the topic. It’s impossible to go too deep because of the sake of time. But we get the most important points 👍🏽 Jay I also wonder if sometimes people’s inability to see things differently is a sign that they are overwhelmed already with information

[@dunnster1]

I love this podcast. Thank you, Jay and Esther. There are so many takeaways from this conversation that apply to my personal AND business relationships. I look forward to hearing more from you both. Cheers.

[@abigailfreckleton1694]

I love how she said always go a level below

[@thatdevika9377]

Important takeaways: -"People are looking for divine experiences from their relationship with people like they are some kind of God." Don't expect Utopia in relationships. Stay real in -person. - "if you want to know the real side of someone, put them in a social situation and spend time with them there." Even if they're introverts, staying close with them in social situations will unveil their real personality to you. - the "spark" you seek with someone doesn't have to look like the euphoric experiences they show in movies. It can be unglamorous, simple.

[@oyoboloomotayo389]

Thank you very much

[@unapologeticallykev]

"At a party, you'll find me sitting in the corner with the one person I can have a deep, meaningful conversation with having existential talks for the whole night. People might not even know I was at the party." Me too! XD

[@andersonbissoon983]

I need to listen to this entire podcast again

[@michmill4284]

So thankful for this podcast! A huge eye opener for me!

[@user-vy6eb9nh5w]

Jay, I want to thank you for putting out incredibly insightful content in simple words, without complicated terms. English is not my first language, but I understand perfectly everything you discuss in your podcasts with your guests, it's very valuable.

[@SynapseHubTV]

Definitely one of my best therapists on the Internet, I love spending time listening to Esther argue about everything related to relationships, so clear and deep

[@marciosantana2429]

This great woman taught me so much in such a short time, I loved it.

[@rowdaisaq98]

Much needed pod cast, I need to listen to it again and take notes as I’m currently questioning my relationship of 13yrs. I guess I’m ready to deepen my relationship then end it.

[@user-hl9nh4qj4v]

Esther Perel is an excellent speaker ❤

[@larinaballerina]

Loved this conversation, so Powerful

[@TheSparklyEmpress]

I love this, thank you so much Esther and Jay!

[@Gray1995.]

Ester is amazing, and this was an amazing episode I love your insight Jay!

[@TheNellymatz]

She is the greatest! Thank you for sharing that awesome interview :-)

[@debbieb2017]

Thanks for sharing both your brilliance and love with the world ❤️🥰

[@user-kd7oy7rd9l]

Thanks for this episode, it was exatcly what i needed to hear.

[@user-my4sf4ol9v]

We need more podcast like this and we need more human being like her.

[@sultana_467]

Your best podcast to date Jay!! Loved it ❤️

[@goldengirl1212]

why is it it took me years to find this podcast, and also to finally listen to an expert, talking sense. now i have to figure out whether if i understand what madam esther is talking about, cause i need help. i need logic and help and guidence. merci beaucoup, madam Perel.

[@gessiebauvais]

What a beautiful interview thank you for this ❤

[@melissaubri6921]

Esther is a class ACT ❤

[@catherinethompson1472]

This the best thing on the whole internet

[@XolieMahlangu]

OMG, I have been waiting for this one since I saw you posting on TikTok. This was such a beautiful and insighful episode. I cannot wait to use some of these advises to my own relationship. I'm such a big fan of your work Jay, keep on giving us the best episodes