How to Offend a Tango Dancer Without Even Trying | Season 3, Episode 23

Tango dancers can be a little…sensitive. Not because they’re dramatic, but because the milonga has its own set of unspoken rules-and it’s easy to break them without even realizing it.
In this episode, I’m talking about the small things that can unintentionally offend people in tango, why these things matter more than you’d expect, and how understanding them can help you feel more at ease on the dance floor.
💬 Have you ever accidentally offended someone in tango-or been offended yourself? Share your stories in the comments, or message me on Instagram @‌imso_tango.
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[@gregg6831]

I've been to dozens of events where very experienced leaders have already cabaceo'd a partner and are ALREADY OUT ON THE FLOOR waiting for the music to start. It's doubly maddening, because this takes out a good number of the better follows from the pool. They will do this *all night*.

[@georgesoong4149]

Over embellishing is not a problem for me unless I cannot feel it is happening. Most followers do not have the sense of that “I dance for you, I am doing this because of you” feel and connection. This is one reason I like practicas more than milongas. Just this past Monday at a practica, I encouraged a follower to try out here own expression, and I would practice blending in, she really appreciated it. This way we both understood what each were trying to do, and have fun in the process.

[@lancastrian413]

The last one is my pet peeve. As a leader, I can see them preparing to enter the dance floor and I'm burning holes in the back of their head. Mr oblivious is not even aware of my cabaceo (which is what it is) because he isnt looking for it and BACKS into my space, as if they are being gallant in 'protecting' the follower from the traffic. If it's busy, this sudden interruption causes an immediate concertina effect in the ronda. In fact, even with a leader cabaceo, when the ronda has already been established and is progressing, I would say it's polite to pass through to an inner lane when there clearly isn't space if it's busy. And yes; Mr Oblivious is also there when you are trying to enter the dance. However long you stand there, he progresses at a snail's pace, wrapped up in some figure or other, and you have to wait for him to pass. On the other hand, a mutual male cabaceo either way is a delight. You know the other person has acknowledged you, has shown respect and you know there is a good chance they are aware enough to take responsibility for keeping the ronda going. I occasionally rebuke offenders by cuttung rhem off or even dancing them into a corner but I try to mostly lead by example. It's something more teachers ought to stress. As you tell, people barging in front of me annoys me and it seems very, very common.

[@imsotango]

this is so great, thanks for sharing!

[@Mezzosopran999]

Excellent topic; the comparison with cats feels particularly apt. 🙄 It still upsets me when I realise I have somehow offended someone; I never do so consciously. However I have come to accept that it just happens in tango. Maybe inevitably, since we feel so intensely? I have spent a lot of time trying to work out how I've offended various people, and offer the following (non-exhaustive 😂) list: - not reciprocating romantic feelings. This is very common. - not looking at someone at a particular moment. Sometimes I genuinely haven't noticed them, other times I don't want to dance that particular tanda but they take it as a personal rejection. I do wish there were some way of signalling 'ask me later'! - I have obviously enjoyed dancing with an enemy of theirs. 🙄 And sometimes I haven't the foggiest what I've done. This is upsetting. It's good to have a thorough checklist, though - thanks!

[@operacyn]

I'm new to tango. I live in Colombia and I've been learning to dance here. No one here (in Manizales) seems to use the cabeceo. The leaders just walk over to the followers and extend their hand. Ive not been to a milonga outside of Colombia, and the idea of the cabeceo is intimidating. How do you even know what it is and when it's intended for you?

[@bojantosic4152]

Great explanation of milonga rules, Jelisaveta... Agree with all said... I am usually offended by lady who refuse my cabaceo... Maybe she is tired, broken shoe, or she just don't want to dance with me... I don't know... But this happened in one encuentro milonguero... I was sending cabaceo... She look at me, give me sign with head No, and pointed at her legs... I was very disappointed... I sit that tanda... And I will never again ask her... But next tanda started... And there she is... Give me cabaceo and say lets dance... I was very happy... So, dear ladies, be very sensitive about refusing cabaceo... And about embellishments... I am old milonguero and for me legs belong to floor...😀

[@joannezhou4825]

Add 1: Asking about time. 😂

[@youtuber42069-r]

1. The more popular (and good) you are, the more acceptable it is to ask instead of cabaceo. Extreme example - Most followers wouldn’t mind (and would even be honored) if Chicho came up and asks them (especially since chicho rarely social dances at milongas). 2. Some leads are confident dancing to most orchestras and/or trusts the dj and/or knows the tandas ahead of time so it’s not that weird to ask before the tanda begins.

[@imsotango]

extreme cases lol but yes, possible :)

[@mitalichinmulgund8679]

I've had reverse experiences, telling the teacher that because j have to keep taking my glasses on and off, I may miss the cabeceo (talking about the teacher-professional who does dance in the milonga afterwards), so I appreciate it when people are a little closer if it is a large floor, he pretty much said if you don't get the cabeceo, you can't make out, then too bad. No concessions for being short sighted.

[@youtuber42069-r]

@@imsotangoless extreme cases are just the local popular dancers/hosts/teachers I basically see them verbally ask or do a very close cabaceo that it’s more or less the same as verbal.

[@DavidEsotica]

Well another way tango dancers can get offended is that, for whatever reason, a current dance partner decides to no longer dance with, or to dance fewer tandas with a certain individual.

[@georgesoong4149]

I respect the option to do that if they feel very uncomfortable. It has happened twice to me, once at a Milonga, once at a practica. Not to be judgmental, but I tend to try and understand what causes this to happen, and self adjust.

[@imsotango]

yes, that does happen quite a bit

[@georgesoong4149]

What offenses me the most is that a dancer accepts the dance but projects a feeling that they don’t give a dam. So far I have only met one person like that, and I also learned to filter people like this out through eye contact process. What is depressing is meeting a person when just beginning we can dance well, but after she has danced for a while, she is more tense than usual a focus on connection on the contact points worrying whether she is doing things right or not.

[@gregorgiebel1377]

With the embellishments its also a question of: do you communicate what you are doing? If Im in on what you are doing then its fine, we are dancing together. If I feel what you are doing and I can follow you and I feel when you want me to take the lead back than its fine. If I hardly notice whats going on and then I take a step because I think its over, but you are in the middle of some movement.. thats very annoying. Its a conversation. And you have to communicate what you are doing and what you want me to do, just like I communicate what I am doing and what I want you to do. And its not only embellishments. By changing the embrace and quality of your movement you can also as the follower show: "hey, I know we are dancing the rhythm right now, but there is this beautiful Violin coming in.. lets dance that". Its a communication. Both have to send and receive signals. The same is true for leaders. I cannot just do my stuff and not care if the follower is keeping up. I give a signal and I constantly check: did they get? No? Okay, so I will adjust and restore connection. And then lets go slower. Lets see what we can do together. And its the same for followers: you have an idea and you want to do something? Nice! But lets do it together. Give me a chance to follow you.

[@Mezzosopran999]

Well said.

[@georgesoong4149]

I remember reading about a Master, one condition of being his student is that the student may not attend a Milonga for the first year, the next year, may not dance more than one or two tandas, but must stay for the full event, arrive early right at the opening and do not leave until the last tanda is finished. There is a reason for this, I unconsciously to this nowadays, and people wonder why I do not dance often, I just explain that I don’t feel the music and desire in me, it is unfair to the partner if I cannot give her my full heart and should at that moment.

[@gregorgiebel1377]

That sounds very unrealistic. I am a tango teacher and usually I have trouble to convince my students to even practice at home. If someone practices only once between our classes they will advance way quicker. Yet most people dont. Now you want them to invest the time to come to the milonga and not even dance? And on top of that they still need to practice. Also I think its not a concern for a beginner at all to "feel the music" or "give their heart". Lets be realistic.. they are still focused on the Koordination of the movements; They are learning how to communicate with changing dance partners. And the more they practice this the sooner they get to the point where they are actually able to focus more on the music or to be more with their partner. If you are an advanced dancer - okay, you can sit around and just dance the tandas you really want to and it can be about respecting your dance partner. But for most people, and especially beginners, its practice, practice, practice thats important for them.

[@NilsFrederking]

I would say either the DJ is playing only music that is of a style that you don´t like (I don't like some of the old march like music), or you are not a full blood tango dancer. Sorry I do not want to be rude, it is just so that the passion for the tango music is an important part of being a tango dancer and when you love the music it makes you wanting to dance.

[@georgesoong4149]

@ The audio system in most places here, as well as the audio system at the ChunCheon tango marathon, were not good enough to reveal the goodness of performances. Normally I choose milongas with live bands, then it comes to the type of music they are performing, which most are good to me, but not mainly followers can follow the dynamics I feel, so I take a more passive approach accepting invitations. Generally, just by the way they walk around, and the confidence they show through their eyes tell me whether they are capable or not. A few we just look for each other when a certain type of music is played. There will be bands playing more Piazzolla around end of Feb early Mar here, so I look forward to these. But as an audiophile, and also in the audio tech profession, most choice of audio system I find used here are good for rock and jazz type music, but not Tango music. I dance multiple dances and even various tango styles depending on the music, and have even been asked to dance tango during swing dancing. Also had been taking weekly private Tango lessons in both following and leading roles over the past four years. My own motivation of learning the following role was “how much close I could get to being a follower I desire”, and also dance this role as an assistant in some classes, even some leaders in these classes are asking me to dance at milongas as well. So I feel that you will not easily find tango dancers more hard core than I around here. Giselle will be giving some classes here later this month, and I actually signed up as a follower. It would be an interesting experience.

[@georgesoong4149]

@ I am not looking at it from a business point of view, some people have asked me to teach, and my first advice to them is go feel the music, if they can feel the music and their body wants to move to the music regardless how, then we can talk and figure out how to proceed. Normally, I practice weekly at a specific classroom because that is where I can hear the different levels in the music, and usually practice solo (in the past few years, I was often the only one there), just recently, more people start showing up, but they just sit around and chat till they are invited to practice, these without a vision for what they want to feel in the dance is a big turnoff for me. If they do not know what they want, I do not feel I should spend my time helping them decide. Just that I value my time. Every teacher teaches in a different way, and Ruben inspired me in his book by saying “the student chooses the teacher”, which to me means the student should find teachers that can best help them achieve their goal for the next step. I do specifically that, and there are fewer teachers on my list now.

[@NilsFrederking]

@@georgesoong4149 Thanks for sharing your story. The sound quality of all the golden age tango orchestras is relatively bad, but I like the music nonetheless (old recordings often digitalized in a time where the technology was not so good). Everybody is different and I was maybe very spoiled in my best tango times where I was sitting only occasionally (in Berlin). Recently I am sitting more often because I left Berlin and change locations often and sometimes do not get along so well with a lot of followers. Unfortunately it is often a group problem, you need to be known, Maybe also I need to practice more 😇 I observed that women follow much better, when they have a high opinion of you as a dancer. Enjoy your tango!

[@carabosse4]

I see no eyes in milongas...I am 70 years hold..like my friends who are not invited...so I learn to be leader as a woman..

[@colleensmith2889]

I saw a new beginning leader go up to a follower and ask her to dance, she politely declined, and he said Why Not While knowing why not could be helpful, imho that was not the time or way to find out

[@pabloblop]

Please, do not invite if you don't like the orchestra! I was once pushed by a follower I used to dance with to danse with a friend of her that spent too much time sitting. I can understand and even relate. But she admitted after the first song that she didn't like "that type of music". I wasted a Pugliese tanda for someone who didn't appreciate it? I was crying inside as I knew I was losing one of my favorite tandas of the night. I don't mind if my partner is a complete beginner or a maestra as long as we both try to create something together on the music. If you don't like the music, do not invite!

[@karenztango]

When someone misreads a cabeceo and jumps up to dance, sometimes even "stealing" the tanda. Please speak to how this should/ could prevented or addressed when it happens.

[@imsotango]

OMG you're so right! I totally forgot about that one!

[@mitalichinmulgund8679]

They way we do it, if the actual party had accepted the cabeceo, and the other who was mistaken was not overly excited, we smile and go to the one we intended to dance with. However, if the person who was mistaken was very enthusiastic and stepped in front, we accept and look at the actual person and smile apologetically to them. Of course, if it is a small milonga and we know everyone there, we just laugh about the mistake and continue with the intended partner.

[@karenztango]

Yes, I have experienced the role of the thief (unintentionally, of course) as well as the victim and had leaders handle it poorly and with charm. It all just happens so fast!

[@CW-om2qq]

It happens if the leader wears glasses as well - combined with the usual poor environment. Yes, I think that was a mirada. Put glasses away safely and head in general direction (I can't keep eye contact when I can't discern the eyes! Contacts are not an answer for me!). Oh, someone got there first. Easier, and higher 'success', just to ask verbally - especially with acquaintances. An insistance on cabeceo/mirada, where it's not part of ybe home social culture, is the biggest remaining cultural issue in social AT. If they're 'offended', then get over it. I've no problem if a follower asks me for a dance.

[@colleensmith2889]

Not only is teaching on the dance floor not appropriate, but, in my experience, it has always been an in experienced leader trying to show some fancy move they are not proficient in leading. Another thing that irritates me, is when a leader starts a conversation with you right before the tanda starts and keeps talking and talking. I personally think the initiator should wait until the first song of the tanda is almost over and finish talking when the tanda ends, so others will not be discouraged in asking you to dance. One time this happened, at a Marathon out of state and they were talking about planting a tree. While it’s always nice to meet other people, as well as dance, this annoys me.

[@imsotango]

YES!

[@jurgenhuybrechts2990]

What bothers me the most are leaders who come up to the lady I'm making a conversation with, saying: sorry to interrupt your conversation with this lady but do you mind me inviting her' . I learned to say :' yes I do mind!' While looking to the lady and asking: 'Do you mind?' When she doesn't I say to the inviter: 'In that case you're welcome.' When she does also mind, I say :'In that case I 'd rather prefer you to invite her later.'

[@imsotango]

lol that's a fantastic response. And yes, very annoying. Or when I'm in a conversation with another woman and a leader just comes over and stares at one of us until it gets uncomfortable...

[@mitalichinmulgund8679]

But if she wasn't acknowledging his cabeceo, isn't it not done to come and ask?

[@HeinzDuschanek]

My 5 cents about what I find disgusting: I would like to a cabeceo with a follower, but the leader keeps her on the floor during the cortina, and continues to dance with her the upcoming tanda, and even repeats this for the next tanda. Although they are no partners, neither in Tango courses, nor in life.

[@januszur1]

Hell, Yelizaveta dear, is it not Tango rather than Tengo?