You're as useful as a chocolate teapot! | Best British Insults

What are the best British insults?? That's a good question. As a foreigner living in the UK, I've come across quite a few hilarious and brutal insults - and I want to share them with you!
In my opinion, there's are the best British insult words, phrases and a secret format that some Brits use to craft the best insults.
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Hey! I'm Alanna - a twenty-something documenting my life as a Canadian living in England.
I share the ups and downs of an expat living abroad and what it's really like living in the UK. It's not always easy, but there's been so many wonderful experiences, too. I post a KZbin video every Tuesday and an additional video every Saturday on my Patreon account. I also livestream every Wednesday and Sunday at 6:30pm GMT on Twitch.
Alanna x

[@stevenbeech7310]

"He couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the sole" Basically unbeatable if someone is ever so slightly incompetent

[@AdventuresAndNaps]

😂

[@gdfggggg]

Lol

[@ianbennett5245]

"Couldn't shoot himself in the foot if he had a shotgun taped to his ankle."

[@donrhule1424]

LMFAO never heard that one before @Steven Beech 😂😂😂 #savage

[@lorddarlo6194]

Or he couldn't organise a Piss Up in a Brewery

[@Mark13091961]

Alanna saying ‘wanker’ earned a thumbs up by itself lol - much like our variety of real ales or cheeses, our insults have matured and diversified into a source of national pride almost. A well delivered British insult is a thing to savour. Excellent appreciation Alanna 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[@geoffpoole483]

There are some choice expressions in the "Angry British Drivers" video. Makes one proud to be British.

[@cogidubnus1953]

I often feel though that the deepest British insults are often the ones the recipient doesn't really realise are quite so deadly...and they're as often as not delivered quietly deadpan and straight-faced...

[@simontunnicliffe2107]

Bit she pronounced it, "wenker"?

[@AnnieLongGone]

Oh yes Mark Roberts! On social(ish) media I've sometimes used excariating British put-downs - when justified - and they haven't been completely understood as such. Cue baffled head scratching. But, quite rightly, I've also been on the receiving end of others' comments and have been equally nonplussed. Just as it should be. Vive la différence.

[@alexanderreader7406]

It's actually pronounced "oi! wankaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

[@kylebroflovski5333]

I’m Swedish living in the uk for most of my life and I absolutely love British insults and they’re so satisfying

[@AdventuresAndNaps]

Thanks so much for watching!

[@terryleddra1973]

One of my favourites. About as much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.

[@simontunnicliffe2107]

🤣🤣

[@notreallydavid]

Ya beat me to it!

[@steviebudden3397]

That sounds like it was taken from Blackadder?

[@terryleddra1973]

@@steviebudden3397 No it pre-dates Blackadder. That's from the late 70's.

[@joannecunliffe8067]

Cried with laughter at this one although I have heard it myself!

[@nrbudgen]

The best one I ever heard was Churchill answering Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee." to which Churchill replied: ""Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it." Insults don't come much better than that.

[@lordhelpus3955]

Lady Astor again. Winston you are drunk. Churchill: Madam you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober.

[@suttoncoldfield9318]

I'd heard about some 'sledging' between Auzzie and English cricket players (could be wrong about the countries) PlayerA to PlayerB: Looks like you're putting on a bit of weight there. PlayerB to PlayerA: Yeh, everytime I f*** your wife, she gives me a biscuit.

[@lordhelpus3955]

@@suttoncoldfield9318 Another good one was Ian Botham coming out to bat: Hey Botham how's your wife and my kids? Botham replied the wife's fine but the kids are retarded.

[@eadweard.]

@@suttoncoldfield9318 Australia Vs Zimbabwe

[@nrbudgen]

@@lordhelpus3955 IIRC, it was even worse than the Lady Astor insult. "Winston you are drunk, and what's more you are disgustingly drunk", to which he replied: "Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly." Wow! I wish I could come up with quips like that - but I suppose it's easier when you're drunk!

[@BigRedJed]

A few years ago Twitter said that out of all it's accounts, those based in Glasgow swore the most. I was so proud I cried.

[@AdventuresAndNaps]

Sounds about right lol

[@zapkvr]

@@AdventuresAndNaps about white?

[@traceys8065]

I've never been so proud to be Glaswegian lol

[@timelord5920]

One of my favourites is: “he/she’s several sandwiches short of a picnic”

[@radamspse]

A few others not sure whether they are english or australian, "not the sharpest tool in the shed", "the lift doesnt go to the top floor"

[@allenjenkins7947]

The Australian version of this one is "A snag (=sausage) shy of a barbie".

[@CaptLoquaLacon]

@@radamspse I've seen "not the sharpest tool in the shed" followed with "and all the tools are lump hammers"

[@alexbernard8907]

I'm English born and bred and often use two planks short of a building block

[@catfae5033]

I like when you were born the dr slapped your mother

[@nicholasjones7312]

“Are you taking the piss” was misquoted by a Spanish exchange student we had working with us in the office. She said “Are you taking my piss” 🤢🤣

[@GavTatu]

and said in her accent would have been so much better.

[@dannyderain9670]

Welcome to North East :)

[@davidcramb5793]

I once heard a lady with Special Needs use the classic "lick my arse", when she gave someone the finger. Everyone knew exactly what she meant, especially the "dickhead" who had insulted her 🤣

[@rebeccaedmonds5428]

One of my personal favourites… ‘He couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery.’

[@loquayrocks]

couldn't organise an orgy in a brothel

[@ShinySilvery]

@@loquayrocks The cruder version I learned is “couldn’t arrange a hard on in a whore house!” 😹

[@BassandoForte]

Banter - not an insult...

[@ShinySilvery]

@@BassandoForte Which is allowed in this context, as clarified here 6:08 by Alannah herself…

[@BassandoForte]

@@ShinySilvery - I hadn't got that far in at that point... 😉 It just highlights another difference between the UK and US - Americans tend to take everything far too personally - then return next day and shoot you up for speaking... 🤣

[@charlestaylor9424]

A Scottish one - "pick your windae, your leaving".

[@loquayrocks]

I heard that in Ireland 40 years ago "choose a window, you're leaving".. along with "Are you talking to me or chewing a brick? Either way you're going to lose your teeth"

[@alexvaraderey]

I was at a party in the 1990's and heard the host say to a gatecrasher ''You're leaving. Door or window?''

[@imperialdebauchery5988]

Unlike you Jocks, you're going nowhere. lol

[@charlestaylor9424]

@@imperialdebauchery5988 from your name I assume you sip a lot of tea.

[@joopjansen9102]

@Charles Taylor YESSS! Forgot about that one - must remember!

[@darrenleiberman6250]

I've always had a soft spot for 'You couldn't organise a shag in a brothel' and it's close cousin 'You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery' such poetry. Keep up to the good work. 😁

[@Forestgravy90]

Couldn't organise an organisation in an organisation class for training organisations to organise

[@ala0284]

Honestly as a Brit I always assumed half of these were in common use throughout the Anglosphere... this has enlightened me to the unique diversity of insults we have available

[@chanchito4401]

"Have a word with yourself" is another great condescending one

[@loquayrocks]

my ex used to say "go and have a little chat with yourself"... always shut me down

[@afpwebworks]

I’ve never heard that before. Writing it in my notebook right now

[@chapettewhat5158]

As are 'quiet now', 'stop showing off in front of your friends' or 'pipe down'

[@chanchito4401]

@@chapettewhat5158 It's more like telling someone to go and reassess their attitude and stop being a jerk.

[@jamesxlennon]

I don't know how true this is for Canadians, but a lot of people are a bit shocked at how much the British swear; specifically how casually we are happy to drop C bombs at each other, with a suffix as an adjective, to describe inanimate objects or just as an expletive when you stub your toe etc. etc. We really are extremely foul mouthed. I think it's wonderful, personally!

[@hughfranklin3072]

Research says people that swear a lot have a big vocabulary, not sure if that's true but if it is my vocabulary must be mahoosive.

[@jrd33]

It really does vary a lot though. I know people who swear very rarely or only mildly, and people who really don't like it when other people swear around them.

[@loquayrocks]

you could call someone a Berk which is cockney rhyming slang "Berkshire Hunt" In Australia, the "C" word is used as a term of affection!

[@RatKindler]

I'm Canadian and I rarely hear swearing in public here where I am. People are generally considerate of others' sensitivities. By contrast, I went to New York and was shocked at how much public swearing went on. Never heard anything like that in other parts of the US or Canada.

[@rebeccasimantov5476]

I'm Australian and can confirm that we also swear heaps!!

[@sfjnet]

I haven't laughed so much in ages as when Alana was reeling off the insults one after another. I'm a Canadian who's lived in the UK for 30+ years and I have to admit I use most of these regularly!

[@davidjones332]

"Daft as a brush" has also long been popular in the North, but "thick as two short planks" and "daft as a box of frogs" are equally useful. I like "three tokens short of a pop-up toaster".

[@nicholasjones7312]

I Welsh there is something similar, which translates as “daft as a wheelbarrow”!

[@zouzou8970]

😂

[@cogidubnus1953]

A rather crude one, but "thick as pigshit" always comes easily to my lips...

[@Will-nn6ux]

Daft as a brush with two hairs on.

[@zapkvr]

A few cans short of a six pack.

[@julesjwg]

I love that you nailed the fact that we can use exactly the same insult and phrase both in an 'endearing' way with friends/people we know well and actually as a proper insult...we get extremely creative throwing insults when we are driving and there's absolutely nothing endearing about how we mean it 😂

[@Rob.S]

A condescending insult similar to “threw his toys out of the pram” is he “spit his dummy out”

[@AdventuresAndNaps]

That's a good one!

[@grantsclassicsongs8122]

In Australia we would say, "He's having a dummy spit"

[@zeee149]

or 'Threw the toys out of the pram'

[@gratmatassa5432]

" if brains were chocolate you wouldn't fill a Smartie"

[@contactlight8079]

This one is rather coarse, apologies..As a kid in the 70s I came home from school after getting in to a fight with another child. I told my Dad who knew the kid and he said " Don't worry about that little prick, the best bit of him dribbled down his mother legs." Without doubt the best insult I have ever heard.

[@RedDevil_Joe]

“Who’s running it?” Mark. “Mark!? He couldn’t run a bath”. There’s variations of that sort of one too lol

[@Wolf-Rayet_Arthur]

... a pissup in a brewery ... a nursery in a brothel ... a shovel in a shithouse Yep. There are many

[@DronedLove]

"Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat" is a personal favourite. As is cockwomble.

[@thetwohundred5213]

I've always liked the Darwinian term 'wank stain' when describing someone's usefulness to mankind.

[@Dunkster23]

I love calling people a “donut” or a “silly sausage” here in Canada. I get the strangest looks. Hearing this made me particularly homesick. Great videos as usual!

[@AdventuresAndNaps]

Ahh silly sausage is a good one! Forgot that

[@theodavis4083]

Mainly a London thing but you can refer to an attractive woman as a 'sausage' as in tasty, fanciable etc. Not a silly sausage though, that would be silly.

[@mittfh]

"Take a long walk off a short pier." Then a few decades ago, a couple of writers were working on a space based sitcom, and they felt given the situation, the characters would likely swear. The slight hitch was that it was to be broadcast before the "watershed", when there are strict limits on swearing and "adult" content. Their workaround was to devise their own: smeg (not to be confused with an Italian domestic appliances manufacturer) - which also gave rise to the show's general purpose insult: Smeg head.

[@SteveParkes-Sparko]

I always felt uncomfortable whenever they said that - 'cos it actually sounds like 'smegma' which is something disgusting!

[@nigel7277]

@@SteveParkes-Sparko It was supposed to

[@SteveParkes-Sparko]

@@nigel7277 in that case, they didn't really make it up, did they?

[@lorddarlo6194]

Red Wharf absolute Classic

[@sivikasi]

Blackadder: “He’s about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house”. As a southerner living in Liverpool my favourite here is “he’s such a biff”, similar to “prat”. PS: gotta love some Malcolm Tucker. Plus British Alanna breaks my brain, but in a good way.

[@loquayrocks]

Bif is a shortened version of the Irish "Biffo" which means "Big ignorant fucker from Offaly" which former Irish Taoiseach Brian Cowan was often called (he was from Offaly)

[@RobFarley74]

About as useful as a handbrake on a boat

[@hughtube5154]

Are you saying Alanna's twisting your melon, man?

[@sivikasi]

@@hughtube5154 yup, should probably just chill m' bean

[@martinclegg8536]

"Bif" long antedates Brian Cowan; it refers to the condition spina bifida. I never heard it used to insult an actual disabled person; it was used to an able-bodied person as a general insult with the sense of "prat" or "idiot". Similar was "spaz", from "spastic". Do people still say these, they're so un-PC?

[@Davey-Boyd]

Hearing Alanna swear and insult with a Canadian accent makes me very happy. If she insulted me I would die laughing. Great video!

[@marvinc9994]

"makes me very happy" What would Alana's taking part in a wet t-shirt competition (for charity, naturally) do for you, then ? Golly gosh...................................;-)

[@rthompsn2007]

@@marvinc9994 Don't be rude, dude.

[@gib666]

@@rthompsn2007 Well said.

[@richard6440]

@@rthompsn2007 Don't be rude, dude......... agreed , using language like golly gosh in front of a lady , disgusting. :)

[@jayrdee8542]

I like using 'pranny', 'twonk', 'moose' and 'don't get out of your pram' (which means calm down. It comes from children getting out of their pram to throw a hissy fit).

[@532bluepeter1]

One of my favourites that fits into the standard format is, "As much use as an ashtray on a motorbike".

[@AdventuresAndNaps]

😂

[@maxplanck9055]

Alanna has definitely lived in a pub since arriving in Britain,her knowledge is too advanced!💗👍🇬🇧

[@nickshale6926]

A personal favourite for someone who gets overly emotional or couldn’t handle a situation: ‘Went to bits quicker than a leper in a wind tunnel’

[@exileinderby51]

I absolutely love that one, I've never heard it before,

[@wolflair3329]

That's brilliant. I'm gonna use it

[@notreallydavid]

lovely

[@mentalmendes9367]

Oh, thank you, I have never heard that one before, that is one to remember when management are running around like headless chicken when something has gone wrong at work.

[@IMBlakeley]

I used to try an sneak a similar

[@glazersout4272]

My dad used to say... "As much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition..."

[@christinebarnes9102]

You make a better door than a window, when someone is standing in front of you so that you can't see something.

[@tsrgoinc]

My personal favourites are “They have a face like a smacked arse” and “you piss in the wind”

[@josephb7863]

You look like you dropped a pound and found a penny 🤨

[@MeFreeBee]

Also "Face like a bag of spanners"

[@fourthdrawerdown6297]

I have also heard: ‘ a face like a welders bench’ and ‘ a face like a burglars dog’.

[@afpwebworks]

My only Australian contribution to this highly entertaining discussion: “A face like a dropped pie”

[@nickjeffery536]

Many years ago, I worked with a young lady from Ukraine, who had married a Brit, and whose personal favourite English word was "Numpty" - it sounded really weird, but kinda interesting, in her accent!

[@AdventuresAndNaps]

I love numpty! A lot of fun to say, too

[@chrisis6]

In Scotland there's a convention of typing phonetically to convey the accent giving us such gems as Bawbag which has the added benefit of defeating most profanity filters.

[@eadweard.]

It's like that is it fannybaws?

[@Isleofskye]

I don't know what you are saying but it sounds mighty saucy...

[@eadweard.]

@@Isleofskye Is that said to the dictionary man?

[@Isleofskye]

@@eadweard. Plagiarism at its finest, Sir :) You are spot-on, my friend. by Hugh Laurie's character...

[@Forest_Fifer]

@@eadweard. awa' and take yer face for a shite... 😉

[@Bigsigh24]

This was hilarious. One of my personal favs; " as much use as a barb wire toilet roll". Everyone has that nano second of wincing as they process the comment.

[@mikesomerset6338]

Have you noticed how polite Canadians sound even when they are trying to sound insulting.

[@matc6221]

Alanna saying WANKER, 🤣😁😂🤣 My sides . Gurl that's awesome 👏

[@davidpowell8249]

"Joy hoover" - someone who is depressing/sucks the joy out of the room.

[@MyName-bi4pt]

They say fun vacuum in America.

[@raingram]

See also: "energy vampire"

[@Daniel-pp3jt]

When you put them all in a list like this I can't deny that we do have a lot of great insults.

[@douglastobor7718]

When you bleeped out your favourites...”I laughed my bollocks off”....well said Alanna.😆👍😆

[@greyman3515]

The happiest I have ever been having someone throw insults at me for 9 minutes. You really are mastering life in the UK.

[@AdventuresAndNaps]

😂

[@martincook9795]

“If he had a brain, he’d-be dangerous” Or as Billy Connolly said on Parkinson - “as useful as a fart in a spaceship”

[@ftumschk]

I think Connolly said "about as welcome as a fart in a space-suit", but I could be wrong.

[@simonesugar7363]

@@ftumschk you're right, I remember the other guests crying with laughter (I think it was either Mary or Barbara Woodhouse)

[@martincook9795]

@ftumschk: I stand corrected, and @Simone Sugarwasn’t one of them Angie Dickinson ( police woman )

[@georgefoster8133]

"Slower than a week in jail" is a personal favourite 😂

[@rheostar]

There’s some rhyming slang phrases that are quite useful, “He’s a bit of a James Hunt” springs to mind. 😉

[@ExpendableRedshirt]

Actually, that is also the supposed origin of the insult "berk" short for Berkshire hunt! So a "wise" man in a pub once told me.

[@rheostar]

@@ExpendableRedshirt that’s probably right. I can remember my father saying someone was ‘a bit of berk’ many years before James Hunt became famous.

[@simonpowell2559]

"Smells like a Richard the third"

[@alanknuss1241]

Going for a pony (pony and trap, cr*p)

[@ianrudd7442]

On a similar theme ‘as much use as a chocolate fireguard’ is one of my most used.

[@adrianstafford321]

Or ashtray on a motorbike. Stay safe, 😎❤✌

[@fourthdrawerdown6297]

My Dad would sometimes describe a person as being ‘ like a fart in a trance’ and he once said that the broadcaster Simon Mayo did not have two brains to rub together. My favourite is f**kwit. I have also heard that adding the word ‘ virgin ‘ at the end of your insult makes a comeback even more difficult.

[@heathcotepursuit8]

There are so many ways of calling someone's intelligence into question - 'He's about as bright as a two watt bulb' is one that always made me smile, though this may be fast becoming old fashioned due to the phasing out of traditional lightbulbs !

[@howey935]

I like the lights are on but no one is home

[@allenjenkins7947]

There's an older version of that among ex-service men and women "Dim as a NAAFI candle."

[@darrenmilo9565]

My dad used to say “if brains were chocolate, you wouldn’t have enough to fill a smartie” which was effective and also similar to the chocolate teapot there are “as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle” I enjoy your obvious delight at these phrases more than the phrases themselves. Keep the observations coming, yours, Billy no mates 😆

[@Rockdoc2174]

In a similar vein : if brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your hat off.

[@darrenmilo9565]

@@Rockdoc2174 😂

[@KenFullman]

@@Rockdoc2174There's also "If brains were taxable you'd get a rebate"

[@19Paul91]

I like the phrases, "couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery" or "Couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque" for people who are incompetent.

[@10pmixupuk65]

One of my favourites is: he/she "couldn't find his/her arse with both hands!"

[@davidknight9758]

Oh I love that one. I think I first heard it in a Terry Pratchett book. I wonder if he came to with it.

[@katfoster845]

Couldn't find his arse with both hands and a map.

[@NicholasTristram]

One my dad used frequently... 'your as useful as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition'.

[@Rosie6857]

@@NicholasTristram Couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo, for the athletically challenged.

[@jodyv2783]

“Bellend” is always a good one 😂

[@shed66215]

Throwing the toys out of the pram as in 'thrown his toys out of the pram' or 'tossed his teddy out' is said more about someone as opposed to them direct. 'Chucked a wobbly' covers it too.

[@MrTumshie]

"He's spat the dummy" is a good tantrum one.

[@elroymartyn8429]

Alternatively, "threw his rattle out the pram".

[@BassandoForte]

Ironically - I've used this so much since January 6th... 🤣

[@jillhobson6128]

Threw a wobbly

[@jamesdowling9759]

As useful as a handbrake on a canoe is personal favourite of mine.

[@AdventuresAndNaps]

😂

[@pauldrake8990]

Or a trap door in a canoe!

[@peebee143]

He has: All the tact & subtlety of a pirate boarding party. She has: All the grace & charm of a road accident.

[@Bob_just_Bob]

There’s one you missed. Understandable as I guess it’s not in popular use which is how English Actor Tom Hiddleston as Loki got it past the censors when he ad libbed it into the Avengers movie when addressing Scarlet Johansson’s character Black Widow as a “Mewling Quim”

[@alanmills9492]

"Blimey, guv, she said wanker."

[@GemDotThirteen]

Hahahahaha... that was amazing 😂😂😂 This is why we can't start swear jars in the UK, people get too creative with their insults! 😂

[@user-sx9wc3ie7e]

Hello, how are you? I found your name and I follow the Canadian news by chance and I wanted to talk to you because I like the culture and life there very much and maybe we can be friends and I wait for your reply with all due respect

[@SaharaGadge]

Forgot about "he's as thick as mince"! Also, the other day, someone pointed out the damage to the paintwork on my car and I said it had "more chips than a fat bloke's dinner plate". I was quite proud of that one... 😂

[@Plentisaki]

If somebody is nervous about something it could be said that 'He's as nervous as a nun at a penguin shoot'!

[@chanchito4401]

I find that non-Brits find "muppet" and "doughnut" the most amusing

[@johnhiggins9319]

One of my favourites is "If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose".

[@jrd33]

Or "If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his hat off".

[@ftumschk]

"If brains were made of wool, you couldn't knit a skull-cap for a canary"

[@chopperweasle1]

If your brains were chocolate, you wouldn't have enough to make a smartie!

[@ftumschk]

"If wit was shit, you'd be constipated"

[@philwestwater5020]

In the UK all these insults are just part of daily routine, no one thinks twice about them, but listening to you describing them is hilarious and makes me appreciate how good we are at the art of insults, using such diverse vocabulary.

[@andybennett3964]

As its summer now, how about "wetter than an otters pocket" you may have to ask about that one.🤭

[@darrenq]

A long time ago when I worked at Safeways I tricked one of the manager’s to ask on the store announcement system if there is a ‘Wayne Kerr’ in the store and could they please come to the front by the checkouts. I couldn’t believe it when he did it. Strangely I didn’t last long there after that.

[@simonesugar7363]

it must be something about Gateways/Safeways, pranks in store when I worked there after school were:- sending someone to the store manager for a long weight. (manager had a sense of humour told him to wait there and left him standing outside the office for 10 mins), a new employee on the deli counter was told to sharpen the cheese wires, they even sent one lad out to sweep the skip!

[@allenjenkins7947]

Almost as bad as looking for Mike Hunt.

[@alant84]

That cut to "Edit Alanna" was oddly reminiscent of Lesley Knope making her own news reports.

[@alexvaraderey]

Some of us liked it for a different reason. :)

[@robclaridge6236]

As much use as Anne Franks drum kit. I know it's wrong, but it always gets the most awkward of laughs. How delightful to hear you swear too. Loved it lol.

[@hairyairey]

I had to think about that one for ages!

[@cathygillies7271]

Some Canadian insults -- 'one brick short of a load' 'crazy as a bag of hammers' 'as sticky as sh....' 'what a hoser' (for some reason many of our insults have to do with hockey)

[@Ratty_Rex]

Omg..... I was wetting myself laughing at this one. Thank you for making my week! As a billy no mates myself I will pass this onto my work colleagues!

[@grapeman63]

The 'insult format' you refer to is called simile. Although "couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag" is a metaphor. Even when she's swearing Alana sounds so sweet!

[@blakeguyan2662]

also, you can use these to create complete sentences to tell people off: "go on then, sod off, leave me here like billy no mates.."

[@jamesblackwell2067]

"ya got more chance of nailing a bubble to the wall, pal" - theres another one for you!

[@jonmccormick602]

In the days pre-decimalisation (yes, I do remember that far back…), “tuppence short of a shilling” was a popular insult. Quite frankly, “wanker” does it for me…indeed, I used it only this morning to a gentleman on the phone who told me he was from Microsoft and that I had a virus on my PC…”piss off, you scamming wanker!” Great video, Alanna, keep ‘em coming!

[@stephenparker6362]

Hi, Alanna, that was brilliant they sounded so good in your accent. Everyone join Patreon and hear Alanna swear!

[@chrismitchell317]

Keep ya wig on is one of my favs to use when someone is being impatient

[@SaharaGadge]

Now, THIS is my level!! 👍 Can't believe you missed out cock-womble, jizz-weazle, gobshite, twat and wank-puffin... 😂 The BBC comedy "Bluestone 42" has some particularly creative swearing in it too... Not sure if it's still on iPlayer but well worth a watch. Also, find myself uttering "wind your neck in", "have a word with yourself" and "what a ball-ache" quite a lot. Especially at work! For the "as much use as...", "a screen door on a submarine", "condom machine in the Vatican" and "an ashtray on a motorcycle" always make me chuckle. I love the endless variety of insults we manufacture in the UK! Makes me proud of my country... 😂 🇬🇧

[@Neil_BT]

My (current) favourite is "about as useful as a handbrake on a canoe."

[@ftumschk]

One from childhood in the S. Wales valleys: "He's got the skin of his arse on his forehead" (meaning "He's in a grumpy mood")

[@stevenwinteruk]

Useful as a chocolate fireguard comes to mind.

[@jimhankinson4428]

a long time ago, I spent a week at a residential academic conference, largely of Brits, in France. At the end of that time a German woman said at dinner: "I know what is a wanker. I think I know what is a wally. But I have no idea what is a prat."

[@micheleruberti4940]

As an Italian listener I find you nice and brilliant, it’s a pleasure listening you.

[@neilfletcher3868]

This made me laugh, and I remember one of me gran’s, “He’s too tight to part with the fart off his arse”. it’s rude I guess, but always brings a smile to me face..!! 😂

[@AdventuresAndNaps]

oh my god 😂

[@neilfletcher3868]

@@AdventuresAndNaps To which your reply should of course be... “Aye, he’s as tight as a duck’s arse, and that’s watertight...!! “. Probably best done in a Northern accent though..!! 😂

[@chemistmanuk]

For someone standing in your light - “You make a better door than a window”.

[@JCLogix]

I always liked when someone says they are going knock you out, the response "You couldnt knock the skin off a rice pudding"

[@louiem2]

"Billy no mates" is a classic 🤣 Others: "You're a sandwich short of a picnic" "Face like a slapped arse" "Bullet"

[@radamspse]

"Nigel no friends " is another take on Billy.......

[@paulusmarshallius7315]

Thank you Alanna, very entertaining hearing 'pub talk/banter' being delivered in a N American accent. I have fond memories of a group of about a dozen Canadian ex-soldiers who virtually lived in my local pub in portsmouth for a week when they were over for the D-Day 50 commemorations in 1994.

[@EessaTube]

When I was a Union Rep, I was representing one of my Union members who had been unlawfully dismissed from the job. In the hearing, I told the Governors of the College to confirm that I only needed one contravention of College disciplinary policy by the Management, to make the dismissal unlawful. They confirmed. I then read out ten times that the Management had been in breach of its own disciplinary policies. The Principal of the College started banging the table and shouting "I want him out, out, out". I calmly turned to the Governors and said "Once she has stopped throwing her toys out of the pram, I'd like to see my member re-instated." They nodded and he got his job back.

[@dilligaf73]

I was like yeah, that's nothing unusual until u got 2 the edit. U reeled off those words as a true brit. Was in absolute stitches

[@benspinks342]

Love “40 watt”, and the Harry Enfield throwback, “Tim nice but dim”. In a conversation when you’re trying to get someone in charge it’s always fun to start with, “I’d like to speak to the organ grinder please, not the monkey” 😬.

[@jimmccarthy4927]

‘If you had another brain cell it would be lonely’

[@bobl.1044]

"Two more brain cells: you'll be a guard dog; three more and you'll be a plate of cabbage!"

[@okiwatashi2349]

“You think you’re a big man, but a wee shirt fits ye!”

[@chapettewhat5158]

Another excellent phrase 'As randy as a dog in an artificial leg factory'

[@JosephHaig]

A northern one is "daft ha'porth". It literally means 'daft half-penny-worth' but as kids we used to think that a 'haputh' was some sort of animal.

[@jonathanmaybury5698]

The best way to pronounce it is (Daft ape-peth) the H at the beginning is normally dropped. It was the lowest denomination in curency, since the abolition of the farthing. People at that time would ask for an hapeth or haputh of chips for example.

[@mikegerrish3459]

I think they used to spell it 'apeth' in The Perishers cartoon in the Daily Mirror, so I came to the same conclusion!

[@JosephHaig]

@@jonathanmaybury5698 I agree with your pronunciation guide, and I wasn't entirely sure how best to write it. Now I'm wondering how it would sound in a Canadian accent ...

[@martincook9795]

My mum said this - I thought it was a variant of Apethetic! Learning - at 61!

[@AaronTheHipHopGuy]

This was so funny! Ive been having a really hard couple of days, but looking forward to your video today and your stream tomorrow was one of the things that helped me get through it! Your videos are so feel good and they always help me feel better! thank you so much for making them! I really appreciate it! :)

[@AdventuresAndNaps]

You got this!

[@nevesdad1969]

I genuinely guffawed when you got the paper list out. We're incredibly proud of our insults. Haha. Brilliant.

[@Stu_Whittaker_Photography]

Oh Alanna... this video had me in tears laughing. Some of these words in your accent are hilarious. The context that you put them in are amazing. I live in the north west so most of these i have heard myself. Absolutely amazing video. Thanks for such amazing videos

[@ashofthe3yamyamsa.k.aasher675]

This has lightened my mood alot, love the variety of insults & the conctete life preserve felt familier but can't help but think why. Anyway one favourite I thought of, that I think it was from Red Dwarf is "as much use as a condom machine in the vatican". As for local slang yampy, another way of saying crazy & half soacked, in other words stupid are some of my favourites

[@zenithtb]

Another 'format' would be "Not the [_______] in the [________]" E.G., not the 'sharpest knife' in the 'drawer', 'brightest bulb' in the 'house' etc.

[@chapettewhat5158]

'One sandwich short of a picnic'

[@bakajiji]

The lift doesn’t go to the top floor.

[@benrodd5252]

A few fries short of a happy meal

[@peterwimsey5904]

the lights are on but nobody's at home

[@pergustavsson2424]

He doesn't have all the horses home in the stable.

[@alancrane4693]

You can tell it is summer in the UK, Alanna wearing a jumper 🤣 great video as always. ♥️ How you can smile while swearing 🤣 brilliant.

[@michaeldillon3113]

Alana - great vid 😅👍. I would say that plonker was a rare word until an iconic comedy series called ' Only Fools and Horses ' rocked up about 40 odd years ago . So " rodanee ( rodney ) you plonker ' became a sort of ' national treasure ' insult ✌️