You Want A Movie? Gimme The Stars - Onion Talks - Ep. 11

Hollywood producer Paul Rubenstein has no use for trifles like story or sets. Just get him some stars, and he'll make this movie.
ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers
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Follow The Onion on Twitter: / theonion

[@mercster]

I love how a technical difficulty results in Ryan Gossling's slide being up there the whole time.

[@camrum7445]

mercster lmaoo

[@camrum7445]

Du

[@mercster]

I hope Gossling actually has seen this. I'm sure he has.

[@mercster]

Fuck budgets... FUCK TOMMY LEE JONES.

[@CravensBen]

It’s so perfect, hahaha- I’ve been the “slides guy” for so many presentations where I’m certain the speaker entirely forgot there was a giant screen behind them 30 seconds in

[@shamusbob7969]

2 minutes of just talking bullshit that has absolutely nothing to do with actually making a movie, and he finally mutters "The story will come... You get me the stars" this is gold. Why weren't all the talks this well acted? Who is this actor?

[@SH19922x]

The old onion news network had a secret dungeon full of great actors and then we never ever saw them again. Lie? Well i cant find the lie.

[@shamusbob7969]

@@SH19922x Ken Rosenthal is pretty good, he's one of the only vault actors who gained the ability to stay out of the vault.

[@pablitotio79]

You gotta have the stars

[@glowiever]

who's Nat Schimmy?

[@imRyRy]

"She's got legs in all the right places."

[@gatotsu2501]

“You’ll be smilin’ from your hair down to your ass!”

[@DaneGilCabrales]

@@gatotsu2501 LOL sounds like sleepy Joe

[@Manhandle730]

@@DaneGilCabrales C’mon man. How about I stage whisper to the reporters? That won’t come across as condescending, creepy and like something someone with dementia would do at all!

[@anthonyecr]

Having legs in all the wrong places can get a little difficult

[@anonimanonim2710]

Where are the wrong places?!

[@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive]

I have friends who work in the film industry, and one who had the misfortune of interning for a casting director. Movie producers and casting directors really are exactly like this guy!

[@anonb4632]

This should be shown to film students before they go on any courses.

[@angusorvid8840]

True. I've worked on and off as a screenwriter since the late 80s. Too many are like this guy to a T. The biz just attracts these characters.

[@jbortiz98]

@@angusorvid8840did you see the STARS

[@punkyagogo]

This guy definitely has a casting couch.

[@Curtsy208]

He's not into all that cheap smut your husband spends a dime for.

[@delyssandra]

This is my favorite Onion talk.

[@vaineratom7739]

Wanna know why. Cuz it has stars

[@davidkarpinski8491]

It's because the Arabs have all the money.

[@FlyingOverTr0ut]

I want to be able to dress like that and get away with it.

[@shamusbob7969]

I-produce-porn-in-southern-california look

[@dogdaycare3408]

Be a mexican cartel drug lord

[@allencartwright1464]

If you can dream it you can do it!

[@TyroneBiggums789]

@@shamusbob7969 lmao dead

[@PrajnaIsPrajna-exceptPrajna]

You just have to have immortal levels of confidence, it isn’t the clothes it’s the apathy you have while wearing them. B’)

[@JeansWebbTv]

Ten days earlier at the Onion script meeting: - Get me that guy. The story will come.

[@snippletrap]

He's gay but you can't knock him around like you used to.

[@LRGDuran]

Ahhh I miss the old days of hollywood

[@drcgaming4195]

hes worth 7 people thats why hes such a big star

[@BarginsGalore]

⁠@@drcgaming4195other way round

[@Cammie010]

Gossling, that's something that matters. *Applause*

[@therealmp40]

Why does this feel realistic?

[@ImNotJoshPotter]

Actor quality. Although he might have just been doing a Nickelson impression.

[@anonb4632]

From what I hear, this is what a lot of Hollywood producers are really like.

[@notoriousbig3k]

@@anonb4632 no they arent that was a stereotyp made as a joke since the 80's

[@anonb4632]

@@notoriousbig3k Funny, I can think of a lot of producers who come over like this. Maybe not the Puttnam or Kennedy schools but certainly the likes of Broccoli and Weinstein, and some less well known people. Even £uca$ has an aspect of this. Maybe less sexual.

[@Lena-rk3ph]

“legs in all the right places!”

[@jlassh]

this guy should be running all the studios

[@thewatcher638]

he is

[@SlavaEremenko]

Not the one with Jude Law

[@DirectedbyAI]

@@SlavaEremenko He's a fuckin clown

[@Fuliginosus]

Finally a speaker with some god-damned class.

[@PoTaTeRsX]

This guy reminds me of Jack Nicholson if he were Tony Soprano.

[@cervasfranco]

That would be him in The Departed.

[@TheNoiseySpectator]

But, they put him in a clone of Brent Spiner.

[@anonb4632]

More like Jack Nicholson playing Woltz from the Godfather film (the man with the horse)

[@ChrisRayGun]

Sad that this is probably really accurate to the type of meetings producers actually have.

[@benulrand9137]

Chris Ray Gun holy shit, it’s pewdiepie.

[@DannySullivanMusic]

I bet this Chris Ray Gun fellow will be successful on KZbin in 5 years.

[@glowiever]

hey how does laci's pusey feel? stink a bit eh?

[@alpeshabhijitchowdhury6895]

It's been 7 years Chris, how are ya?

[@drummergeorge9642]

8 yrs?

[@quietjarvis]

"and fuck Tommy Lee Jones" haha, right out of the blue

[@jcc6913]

Realistic in the way that there’s no real practical advice, casual grandpa racism, intimidating the audience, nonsense jargon references that don’t mean anything , nostalgic tangents about “intimacy” and justifying all of the previously mentioned by referencing one’s involvement in a semi-forgotten movie like The Pelican Brief that made money during the late 90s.

[@vaineratom7739]

I love how it isn't really even a TED talk. It's just some movie director trying to convince the audience to get them some STARS for a movie in order to get money. Like how he just starts going off on a tangent about budgets and everything that pisses him off

[@Remo860]

He doesn’t care if the movie is good or not, as long as it makes a lot of money.

[@vaineratom7739]

@@Remo860 BUT HOw do you get money STARS

[@Nightkzi]

@@vaineratom7739just give him the STARS

[@Draxis32]

"What this nonsense about budgets....Budgets? Fuck budgets!" Another day at the Congress.

[@nickdepinto6367]

Jack Nicholson looks saner today

[@artuurdupont3999]

"She's got legs, she's got legs in all the right places."

[@anonb4632]

"A crew you can wipe your ass with."

[@LRGDuran]

“Enough with the asses already!!”

[@baginamonolog]

Would kill to work for this man.

[@sapointi]

You ain't a star

[@louschwick7301]

@ludlow 889 would kill this man for free

[@shamusbob7969]

@@louschwick7301 Would kill this man, to be a star!

[@she7061]

Oh you will probably have to do that

[@iandaroyal770]

No, i WOULD KILL TO WORK FOR THIS MAN

[@Jcolinsol]

I like how scared the audience looks.

[@anonb4632]

They didn't have usual nodding I notice.

[@sox-b9999]

"Cuz the Arabs got all the money" lol😂😂😂 this came from nowhere

[@thefoodfoodfood]

That was good acting.

[@SuperNintendawg]

When you've got movies like Tom Cruise in them, you can't lose!

[@oldbluescott]

I bet you could tell a lot about a person by saying "This is why the Arabs got all the money" and seeing how they react.

[@shamusbob7969]

It's a great Rorschach test for just about everyone in America.

[@TheNoiseySpectator]

I like that idea, both of you; A "Conceptual Rorschach Test". ✔️

[@anonb4632]

@@TheNoiseySpectator It just makes me think of the oil industry. Although I know Arabs have made some money elsewhere!

[@1cy3]

some GOD DAMN CLASS

[@gabrielbradley6214]

Why go to film school when you can just watch this onion talk?

[@HSAdestroy]

So many great lines omg

[@Ben-rz9cf]

I guess this is why i can't sell my screenplay

[@jaromanderson2877]

Ben Hinman please... post all of it here. Idek know what it is but I'll read it all

[@victoroliveira6694]

The point is: You gotta get the stars.... Got me Brad Got me Foxx And we got ourselves a movie

[@shamusbob7969]

@@victoroliveira6694 Alright, it's a little out there, it's a buddy cop comedy, about a retiring cop and a crazy cop who doesn't play by the rules, but you see the local criminal syndicate is trying to help a pipeline go through a local reserve and they're framing native protestors for violent terrorist activity, and they gotta blow it WIDE open. But the only witness is a little weird Italian Money Launderer played by Joe Pesci.

[@cosmojg]

This guy is a great actor, director, and cartoonist! :D

[@jevicci]

Oh, Onion, I love you more than I can possibly express.

[@RaihanAlam]

This is my most favourite TED talk

[@JeansWebbTv]

Get me this guy, get me Tarantino. I'll make you a movie. Ten days later, "The producer movie" - 595 million.

[@Truthiness231]

Been waiting for this one more anxiously than finding out what the largest rock is...

[@Michael-pf8we]

This should have more views.

[@NJGuy1973]

Since October 2017 we've been viewing little else. Every night on the news.

[@Shamus8b8]

*picture of elizabeth shoe* "...It's charlize theorn"

[@needhelp1990]

" give me the brass, give me the right cast.... you'll be smiling from your hair down to your ass!" Lol, true that movies nowadays suck though.

[@shamusbob7969]

You missed the point entirely. People can't comprehend anything, nope uh uh... It's cause the Arabs got all the money...

[@randomuploadsism]

Because people like him are making them

[@anonb4632]

Never mind the film theory, here's film reality.

[@joeblaster8770]

This is why we need independent film makers.

[@NJGuy1973]

Oh, yeah, like a certain film maker who started an independent studio back in 1979, then it got successful, then Disney bought it and it made movies like Pulp Fiction and Shakespeare In Love...

[@hemipemi]

No, this is why we need all film makers to be working for Paul Rubenstein.

[@anonb4632]

Nah, indy film makers would come up with meaningful works of art. This guy produces films that make money and have legs.

[@Rottypops]

To make more stars?

[@davidtaylor142]

@@NJGuy1973 what's wrong with Pulp Fiction?

[@flatpicker15]

The cigar is an Oliva serie G in Toro

[@elviramadigan5296]

fuck that. im a davidoff-man

[@MalleeMate]

Wow, very brave, very inspirational Now I know how to get my act together, thanks!

[@frauleinhohenzollern8442]

It's uncanny... This is my dad after he's had 4 beers. Instead of a cigar, its a Marlboro ultra light 100.

[@StandardGoose]

I remember 'The Pelican Movie'. It was pretty good.

[@BobPagani]

Too many beach scenes.

[@StandardGoose]

@@BobPagani That's true, I didn't say it was perfect. The pier musical number with the seagulls was iconic though.

[@BobPagani]

@@StandardGoose Yeah, I'll give you that. I'm not normally a "musical guy" but that one was staged very well. The dancing lifeguards really made it.

[@JeansWebbTv]

Had this guy been involved in Rain Man: "- Five days later: the nuthead movie!"

[@ryankonarsky3356]

I think this was the best one

[@Joe-li3zj]

This guy is one of the best actors on onion I’ve seen

[@tonyfourhunnid]

This is my favorite one!

[@ParanoidPixel]

One word: "Animation" Your move Clembo.

[@justinf80]

I want this guy as my uncle.

[@rum-ham]

His cigar lol. It's not even clipped.

[@Aizen0sama]

Can someone make a 10 hours loop of this?

[@lotem2236]

Aizen0sama then it would be a Ted talk

[@DMan-G]

THIS is the episode that I think we were all waiting for!

[@darnellgreene2097]

*complete silence* “SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS”

[@Nicoyutub]

Such inspiring words. What a wonderful speech

[@jiratrello]

just thought of this video again and its as good as i remember

[@rfuaonl]

was that cigar supposed to be not lighted?

[@Rm0ran]

He's really enjoying that unlit cigar.

[@robotpanda77]

He is such a badass he doesn't even cut the tip off the cigar or light it. Too easy.

[@kikin-ki-kophkw9290]

S.T.A.R.S! Gimmie the S.T.A.R.S!

[@r4nts]

I like his shoes.

[@Tethmes]

This is totally the dude doing the voice overs in the behind the pen series!

[@BizarrePhotoshop]

Wise man

[@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive]

The Onion only tells the truth. Whether it's a joke or not depends on whether you find it funny.

[@rpg500e]

God I love you Onion. Don't you ever change or leave me.

[@roadhouse6999]

Reminds me of Argo

[@robbylebotha]

How come the actors at The Onion are 10x better than grammy winners and most high paid actors? How does this happen

[@jded_404]

A good script i guess

[@samr6408]

Mob boss verbally assaults terrified hostages circa 2012

[@qoyote]

I love the people who are like "oOoOoOh hE's aCtUaLlY jEwIsH" when they may as well have put triple parentheses around his name.

[@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive]

@@anonb4632 "Hard nosed"

[@anonb4632]

@@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive Yes, on the same way the Mafia are hard nosed. Maybe you want to project your own unconscious sentiments upon that phrase... And if you do, they won't be mine, they'll be yours.

[@boryslavw2504]

Hes literally me fr fr

[@CravensBen]

I love these talks so much.

[@DexieTheSheep]

this guy sounds like a GTA V character straight out of a heist planning scene

[@BlooTanooki]

Gimme da stahs, just GiMMee DA STAHS!!

[@carrotsmokingapipe9415]

The applause in this one feels like if Google translate could do text to speech of an applause

[@moneyfordope3376]

Wow, that was a pretty way to describe how clever it signs ngl

[@1984mrcool]

She's got legs in all the right places. Classic!!! Lol

[@heynunya5986]

I am surprised, no adsense at all in their videos

[@mrm2204]

I want Gosling, he’s gay but you can’t knock him around like you used to

[@CristobalRuiz]

I tell you, these are some great actors. Shout out to the people that were doing casting at The Onion.

[@AgentEliKopter]

Their casting director got himself the STARS.

[@jayallen81]

Wow. I didn't know the Arabs have all the money. When did this happen?! Did you all not know also?

[@anonb4632]

I suspect Mr Rubinstein is probably not a Methodist.

[@robbiekamble2634]

The Gestures this guy made will revolutionize the whole body language thing.

[@Dzakovich000]

She's got legs... She's got legs in all the right places...

[@PaulCharming]

this is awesome

[@sansimcj]

This guy is such a good actor.

[@Neil_SM]

Yeah. They pretty much have the same exact crowd shots for every one of these.

[@Unknown-jt1jo]

This guy has some Jack Nicholson vibes.

[@D.S.handle]

For real, that’s a great impression of a Jack Nicholson character.

[@SesameCake]

I love how he just angrily asserts that Jude Law is a "clown" without saying why. Like he just hates certain actors on a gut-level but thinks others are "stars". Also how he tells the audience to "shut their fuckin' mouths and listen" when they weren't even talking. Then he has the audacity to say that his kind of movies will have "good sex" and not the cheap stuff from "your uncle pays a dime for at the local smut-house!" Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! Damn this is good acting. I hate this guy so much!

[@precoius]

I low-key want to watch this movie. I’m sold.

[@juanranaldo3298]

"Gosling, he's gay..", ugh. If only that were true.

[@cupofteam]

Exactly what the Onion wanted

[@MatthewMS.]

Give me the Stars ⭐️ 🤩🍿

[@flux202]

His shoes!?!?!?

[@planetary109]

No, he came hoping to but the people that own the building said no smoking and he said "fuck that, I'm smoking whether you like it or not" but he didn't after they said they'll sue him if he did, so he just decided to chew on it during his presentation.

[@EyequeenCasskulla]

How is it, that these are all nonsense, yet it makes perfect sense?

[@Truthiness231]

Dohhh, I wasn't thinking... Also: how in hell did I get two top comments on the same Onion video? I feel special (in the mildest way possible) ^>^

[@BigPapaLocs]

“Enough of the asses” gold😂

[@Icix1]

Damn this wasn't even a parody, this is how the industry works

[@Rhino-n-Chips]

Is this guy the director of the Expandables?

[@thesaneparty4079]

SOME GODDAMNED CLASS

[@jopalolive]

This fuckin Guy is the reason I fuckin like Hollywood movies as much as I fuckin like em. Pure genius thinkin. Like fuckin Einstein.