You Want A Movie? Gimme The Stars - Onion Talks - Ep. 11

[@mercster]

I love how a technical difficulty results in Ryan Gossling's slide being up there the whole time.

[@camrum7445]

mercster lmaoo

[@camrum7445]

Du

[@mercster]

I hope Gossling actually has seen this. I'm sure he has.

[@mercster]

Fuck budgets... FUCK TOMMY LEE JONES.

[@CravensBen]

It’s so perfect, hahaha- I’ve been the “slides guy” for so many presentations where I’m certain the speaker entirely forgot there was a giant screen behind them 30 seconds in

[@imRyRy]

"She's got legs in all the right places."

[@gatotsu2501]

“You’ll be smilin’ from your hair down to your ass!”

[@DaneGilCabrales]

@@gatotsu2501 LOL sounds like sleepy Joe

[@Manhandle730]

@@DaneGilCabrales C’mon man. How about I stage whisper to the reporters? That won’t come across as condescending, creepy and like something someone with dementia would do at all!

[@anthonyecr]

Having legs in all the wrong places can get a little difficult

[@anonimanonim2710]

Where are the wrong places?!

[@shamusbob7969]

2 minutes of just talking bullshit that has absolutely nothing to do with actually making a movie, and he finally mutters "The story will come... You get me the stars" this is gold. Why weren't all the talks this well acted? Who is this actor?

[@SH19922x]

The old onion news network had a secret dungeon full of great actors and then we never ever saw them again. Lie? Well i cant find the lie.

[@shamusbob7969]

@@SH19922x Ken Rosenthal is pretty good, he's one of the only vault actors who gained the ability to stay out of the vault.

[@Emmacita79]

You gotta have the stars

[@glowiever]

who's Nat Schimmy?

[@chuckferguson3153]

@@SH19922x Back then you could make an onion video with a nice script and some b-list talent. Not anymore.

[@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive]

I have friends who work in the film industry, and one who had the misfortune of interning for a casting director. Movie producers and casting directors really are exactly like this guy!

[@anonb4632]

This should be shown to film students before they go on any courses.

[@angusorvid8840]

True. I've worked on and off as a screenwriter since the late 80s. Too many are like this guy to a T. The biz just attracts these characters.

[@jbortiz98]

@@angusorvid8840did you see the STARS

[@FlyingOverTr0ut]

I want to be able to dress like that and get away with it.

[@shamusbob7969]

I-produce-porn-in-southern-california look

[@dogdaycare3408]

Be a mexican cartel drug lord

[@allencartwright1464]

If you can dream it you can do it!

[@TyroneBiggums789]

@@shamusbob7969 lmao dead

[@PrajnaIsPrajna-exceptPrajna]

You just have to have immortal levels of confidence, it isn’t the clothes it’s the apathy you have while wearing them. B’)

[@punkyagogo]

This guy definitely has a casting couch.

[@Curtsy208]

He's not into all that cheap smut your husband spends a dime for.

[@snippletrap]

He's gay but you can't knock him around like you used to.

[@LRGDuran]

Ahhh I miss the old days of hollywood

[@drcgaming4195]

hes worth 7 people thats why hes such a big star

[@BarginsGalore]

⁠@@drcgaming4195other way round

[@delyssandra]

This is my favorite Onion talk.

[@vaineratom7739]

Wanna know why. Cuz it has stars

[@davidkarpinski8491]

It's because the Arabs have all the money.

[@Cammie010]

Gossling, that's something that matters. *Applause*

[@JeansWebbTv]

Ten days earlier at the Onion script meeting: - Get me that guy. The story will come.

[@therealmp40]

Why does this feel realistic?

[@ImNotJoshPotter]

Actor quality. Although he might have just been doing a Nickelson impression.

[@anonb4632]

From what I hear, this is what a lot of Hollywood producers are really like.

[@notoriousbig3k]

@@anonb4632 no they arent that was a stereotyp made as a joke since the 80's

[@anonb4632]

@@notoriousbig3k Funny, I can think of a lot of producers who come over like this. Maybe not the Puttnam or Kennedy schools but certainly the likes of Broccoli and Weinstein, and some less well known people. Even £uca$ has an aspect of this. Maybe less sexual.

[@jlassh]

this guy should be running all the studios

[@thewatcher638]

he is

[@SlavaEremenko]

Not the one with Jude Law

[@DirectedbyAI]

@@SlavaEremenko He's a fuckin clown

[@ChrisRayGun]

Sad that this is probably really accurate to the type of meetings producers actually have.

[@benulrand9137]

Chris Ray Gun holy shit, it’s pewdiepie.

[@DannySullivanMusic]

I bet this Chris Ray Gun fellow will be successful on KZbin in 5 years.

[@glowiever]

hey how does laci's pusey feel? stink a bit eh?

[@alpeshabhijitchowdhury6895]

It's been 7 years Chris, how are ya?

[@drummergeorge9642]

8 yrs?

[@Lena-rk3ph]

“legs in all the right places!”

[@vaineratom7739]

I love how it isn't really even a TED talk. It's just some movie director trying to convince the audience to get them some STARS for a movie in order to get money. Like how he just starts going off on a tangent about budgets and everything that pisses him off

[@Remo860]

He doesn’t care if the movie is good or not, as long as it makes a lot of money.

[@vaineratom7739]

@@Remo860 BUT HOw do you get money STARS

[@Nightkzi]

@@vaineratom7739just give him the STARS

[@PoTaTeRsX]

This guy reminds me of Jack Nicholson if he were Tony Soprano.

[@cervasfranco]

That would be him in The Departed.

[@TheNoiseySpectator]

But, they put him in a clone of Brent Spiner.

[@anonb4632]

More like Jack Nicholson playing Woltz from the Godfather film (the man with the horse)

[@d-logan5280]

This made me laugh out loud like I haven't done in years. Thank you kind internet person 😂😂

[@quietjarvis]

"and fuck Tommy Lee Jones" haha, right out of the blue

[@Fuliginosus]

Finally a speaker with some god-damned class.

[@Draxis32]

"What this nonsense about budgets....Budgets? Fuck budgets!" Another day at the Congress.

[@baginamonolog]

Would kill to work for this man.

[@sapointi]

You ain't a star

[@louschwick7301]

@ludlow 889 would kill this man for free

[@shamusbob7969]

@@louschwick7301 Would kill this man, to be a star!

[@she7061]

Oh you will probably have to do that

[@iandaroyal770]

No, i WOULD KILL TO WORK FOR THIS MAN

[@nickdepinto6367]

Jack Nicholson looks saner today

[@JeansWebbTv]

Get me this guy, get me Tarantino. I'll make you a movie. Ten days later, "The producer movie" - 595 million.

[@oldbluescott]

I bet you could tell a lot about a person by saying "This is why the Arabs got all the money" and seeing how they react.

[@shamusbob7969]

It's a great Rorschach test for just about everyone in America.

[@TheNoiseySpectator]

I like that idea, both of you; A "Conceptual Rorschach Test". ✔️

[@anonb4632]

@@TheNoiseySpectator It just makes me think of the oil industry. Although I know Arabs have made some money elsewhere!

[@sox-b9999]

"Cuz the Arabs got all the money" lol😂😂😂 this came from nowhere

[@Jcolinsol]

I like how scared the audience looks.

[@anonb4632]

They didn't have usual nodding I notice.

[@thefoodfoodfood]

That was good acting.

[@SuperNintendawg]

When you've got movies like Tom Cruise in them, you can't lose!

[@artuurdupont3999]

"She's got legs, she's got legs in all the right places."

[@anonb4632]

"A crew you can wipe your ass with."

[@LRGDuran]

“Enough with the asses already!!”

[@gabrielbradley6214]

Why go to film school when you can just watch this onion talk?

[@1cy3]

some GOD DAMN CLASS

[@Ben-rz9cf]

I guess this is why i can't sell my screenplay

[@jaromanderson2877]

Ben Hinman please... post all of it here. Idek know what it is but I'll read it all

[@victoroliveira6694]

The point is: You gotta get the stars.... Got me Brad Got me Foxx And we got ourselves a movie

[@shamusbob7969]

@@victoroliveira6694 Alright, it's a little out there, it's a buddy cop comedy, about a retiring cop and a crazy cop who doesn't play by the rules, but you see the local criminal syndicate is trying to help a pipeline go through a local reserve and they're framing native protestors for violent terrorist activity, and they gotta blow it WIDE open. But the only witness is a little weird Italian Money Launderer played by Joe Pesci.

[@jcc6913]

Realistic in the way that there’s no real practical advice, casual grandpa racism, intimidating the audience, nonsense jargon references that don’t mean anything , nostalgic tangents about “intimacy” and justifying all of the previously mentioned by referencing one’s involvement in a semi-forgotten movie like The Pelican Brief that made money during the late 90s.

[@jevicci]

Oh, Onion, I love you more than I can possibly express.

[@HSAdestroy]

So many great lines omg

[@RaihanAlam]

This is my most favourite TED talk

[@cosmojg]

This guy is a great actor, director, and cartoonist! :D

[@darnellgreene2097]

*complete silence* “SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS”

[@Shamus8b8]

*picture of elizabeth shoe* "...It's charlize theorn"

[@Truthiness231]

Been waiting for this one more anxiously than finding out what the largest rock is...

[@joeblaster8770]

This is why we need independent film makers.

[@NJGuy1973]

Oh, yeah, like a certain film maker who started an independent studio back in 1979, then it got successful, then Disney bought it and it made movies like Pulp Fiction and Shakespeare In Love...

[@hemipemi]

No, this is why we need all film makers to be working for Paul Rubenstein.

[@anonb4632]

Nah, indy film makers would come up with meaningful works of art. This guy produces films that make money and have legs.

[@Rottypops]

To make more stars?

[@davidtaylor142]

@@NJGuy1973 what's wrong with Pulp Fiction?

[@needhelp1990]

" give me the brass, give me the right cast.... you'll be smiling from your hair down to your ass!" Lol, true that movies nowadays suck though.

[@shamusbob7969]

You missed the point entirely. People can't comprehend anything, nope uh uh... It's cause the Arabs got all the money...

[@randomuploadsism]

Because people like him are making them

[@Michael-pf8we]

This should have more views.

[@NJGuy1973]

Since October 2017 we've been viewing little else. Every night on the news.

[@lizxu322]

My lord this 4 mins made my entire 3 years of a film degree obselete

[@anonb4632]

Never mind the film theory, here's film reality.

[@frauleinhohenzollern]

It's uncanny... This is my dad after he's had 4 beers. Instead of a cigar, its a Marlboro ultra light 100.

[@StandardGoose]

I remember 'The Pelican Movie'. It was pretty good.

[@BobPagani]

Too many beach scenes.

[@StandardGoose]

@@BobPagani That's true, I didn't say it was perfect. The pier musical number with the seagulls was iconic though.

[@BobPagani]

@@StandardGoose Yeah, I'll give you that. I'm not normally a "musical guy" but that one was staged very well. The dancing lifeguards really made it.

[@JeansWebbTv]

Had this guy been involved in Rain Man: "- Five days later: the nuthead movie!"

[@Aizen0sama]

Can someone make a 10 hours loop of this?

[@lotem2236]

Aizen0sama then it would be a Ted talk

[@robbylebotha]

How come the actors at The Onion are 10x better than grammy winners and most high paid actors? How does this happen

[@jded_404]

A good script i guess

[@justindunning3313]

@@jded_404Nah, this guy’s a star. Every asshole in Hollywood already knows this.

[@jiratrello]

just thought of this video again and its as good as i remember

[@justinf80]

I want this guy as my uncle.

[@ParanoidPixel]

One word: "Animation" Your move Clembo.

[@ryankonarsky3356]

I think this was the best one

[@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive]

The Onion only tells the truth. Whether it's a joke or not depends on whether you find it funny.

[@rfuaonl]

was that cigar supposed to be not lighted?

[@flatpicker15]

The cigar is an Oliva serie G in Toro

[@elviramadigan5296]

fuck that. im a davidoff-man

[@DMan-G]

THIS is the episode that I think we were all waiting for!

[@robotpanda77]

He is such a badass he doesn't even cut the tip off the cigar or light it. Too easy.

[@qoyote]

I love the people who are like "oOoOoOh hE's aCtUaLlY jEwIsH" when they may as well have put triple parentheses around his name.

[@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive]

@@anonb4632 "Hard nosed"

[@anonb4632]

@@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive Yes, on the same way the Mafia are hard nosed. Maybe you want to project your own unconscious sentiments upon that phrase... And if you do, they won't be mine, they'll be yours.

[@tonyfourhunnid]

This is my favorite one!

[@carrotsmokingapipe9415]

The applause in this one feels like if Google translate could do text to speech of an applause

[@moneyfordope3376]

Wow, that was a pretty way to describe how clever it signs ngl

[@Joe-li3zj]

This guy is one of the best actors on onion I’ve seen

[@samr6408]

Mob boss verbally assaults terrified hostages circa 2012

[@Rm0ran]

He's really enjoying that unlit cigar.

[@MalleeMate]

Wow, very brave, very inspirational Now I know how to get my act together, thanks!

[@Icix1]

Damn this wasn't even a parody, this is how the industry works

[@rum-ham]

His cigar lol. It's not even clipped.

[@DexieTheSheep]

this guy sounds like a GTA V character straight out of a heist planning scene

[@rpg500e]

God I love you Onion. Don't you ever change or leave me.

[@Nicoyutub]

Such inspiring words. What a wonderful speech

[@Tethmes]

This is totally the dude doing the voice overs in the behind the pen series!

[@TheSpecsShow]

"The Pelican Movie"

[@mrm2204]

I want Gosling, he’s gay but you can’t knock him around like you used to

[@r4nts]

I like his shoes.

[@CravensBen]

I love these talks so much.

[@robbiekamble2634]

The Gestures this guy made will revolutionize the whole body language thing.

[@cupofteam]

Exactly what the Onion wanted

[@Dzakovich000]

She's got legs... She's got legs in all the right places...

[@burgundian-peanuts]

This guy has some Jack Nicholson vibes.

[@D.S.handle]

For real, that’s a great impression of a Jack Nicholson character.

[@kikin-ki-kophkw9290]

S.T.A.R.S! Gimmie the S.T.A.R.S!

[@VestinVestin]

I can't help but picture this guy tied to a chair, beaten blue and still, defiantly, saying "I'm not telling you ANYTHING !"...

[@boryslavw2504]

Hes literally me fr fr

[@CristobalRuiz]

I tell you, these are some great actors. Shout out to the people that were doing casting at The Onion.

[@AgentEliKopter]

Their casting director got himself the STARS.

[@BizarrePhotoshop]

Wise man

[@PaulCharming]

this is awesome

[@heynunya5986]

I am surprised, no adsense at all in their videos

[@roadhouse6999]

Reminds me of Argo

[@matt.stevick]

Give me the Stars ⭐️ 🤩🍿

[@Neil_SM]

Yeah. They pretty much have the same exact crowd shots for every one of these.

[@sansimcj]

This guy is such a good actor.

[@BigPapaLocs]

“Enough of the asses” gold😂

[@aerowindwalker]

Which TED talk is this one referring to?

[@pointpoint10]

All of them.

[@jayallen81]

Wow. I didn't know the Arabs have all the money. When did this happen?! Did you all not know also?

[@anonb4632]

I suspect Mr Rubinstein is probably not a Methodist.

[@BlooTanooki]

Gimme da stahs, just GiMMee DA STAHS!!

[@1981Taliesin]

The Onion skits are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better then SNL.

[@Truthiness231]

Dohhh, I wasn't thinking... Also: how in hell did I get two top comments on the same Onion video? I feel special (in the mildest way possible) ^>^

[@crimson1199]

so which part of this is satirical? everything sounds accurate to me.

[@hikari_no_yume]

Has anyone else noticed there's Ep. 9 and Ep. 11, but not Ep. 10?

[@thehedgehogsdilemma9478]

The funny thing is this guy isn’t wrong, he’s actually just being a realist in that more often than not, you got a have a star in order to carry the movie because it’s human nature that the average moviegoers are by majority going to want to go see the people that they’re familiar with and that they already have a enthusiastic liking for.

[@EyequeenCasskulla]

How is it, that these are all nonsense, yet it makes perfect sense?

[@IamSpacedad]

These people actually exist and they are awful...

[@desp8161]

IamSpacedad that's why it's hilarious

[@scouttrooperhh-1487]

You know who else exists? Stars.