Quit Whining And Put On A Goddamn Coat: My Journey - Onion Talks - Ep. 8

Figuring out why you're so cold doesn't take a research grant and a lab--it just takes shutting the fuck up about it and putting on a coat. Linda Delmonico shares how her innovative husband helped her make this important discovery.
ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers
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[@Lukefonfabre9]

She looks like she's about to cry for the entire time.

[@AshenRider112]

thats the point

[@tonoornottono]

she’s being abused by her husband, that’s the point

[@RheeasDomain]

No shit Sherlock.

[@75hilmar]

The people are all trying very hard to be open to the unexpected

[@pumpkinoligarchy6626]

Sounds like it too lol

[@nocturne7397]

I love how they are using the same clips for the audience, kinda like sitcoms are using the same stupid laughter all the time.

[@wspencerwatkins]

Nocturne my favorite is the bald black woman

[@squamish4244]

And how every audience shot at a Ted Talk looks the same.

[@ahhhgoolagoon]

wspencerwatkins mine is the black dude that nods in acknowledgment/reflection

[@guytorie]

I hadn't even noticed. That's great.

[@chris_yang]

Except if you watch the previous ones, the audience reacts. For example, the mind gun and the loud voice talks...

[@bobdolesrevenge]

I laughed, which means that I won't need a goddamn coat where I'm going.

[@stalkinglikecandy]

Great comment!

[@chelseanugent8133]

😂😂

[@adrianapollyon5087]

Or a mask

[@davissae]

Well played…

[@igrim4777]

You laughed so you won a trip to the Caribbean? Lucky it was 9 years ago. That left you just enough time to unpack the coats you wouldn't have needed from your travel luggage and yet still beat the lockdowns you didn't know were coming.

[@ObscuredByTime]

"I know I do that sometimes." This is way too accurate an example of how abused women talk about themselves. Very dark comedy.

[@vedantmenkudale6271]

Exactly. Everybody missed the true meaning here

[@MysticDonBlair]

My wife knows better 🤣 JK

[@chickenman1801]

@@vedantmenkudale6271 it's the joke what are you talking about

[@Jotari]

Not just women.

[@absurdwordslearns]

loved the mix of genuine minor fault that was played up into guilt tripping and insecurities. really highlights the true nature of emotional abuse

[@vincentparra349]

She's a great actress. Makes me sad for her.

[@Collapsonauts]

Yeah incredibly good at showing signs of abuse.

[@eddie8409]

I really want to like ask her if I need to call the police or somthing

[@RubyDoobieScoo]

You must be cold, put a coat on.

[@ObscuredByTime]

Award-deserving performance, no doubt. Great work from this actress. Her delivery of the line, "I know I do that sometimes," alone is worth the watch.

[@spitfiremac]

So I've watched a bunch of these and this is by far the most traumatic. Quite a twist.

[@plays4gamer883]

Nah, the bey-bey box was worse

[@BlackCover95]

Play's4 GAMER *bye-bye

[@rustinstardust2094]

@@plays4gamer883 I must see this bey-bey box you speak of...

[@plays4gamer883]

I can't send you the link, but it was a onion news video, one from somewhere between 2013 to2017 ish, maybe even later. I obviously won't spoil it for your, but geez i t made my sad and I still laughed.

[@rustinstardust2094]

@@plays4gamer883 Ok, I found "the bye bye box"... 😢😳👍

[@continuousself-improvement1879]

Good God, her expression is so good throughout.

[@EtzEchad]

She has a wise and good husband. I like the way he talks it out with her instead of just beating her.

[@maxfelson9467]

Wtf ?? Is that normal ??

[@victorvelie3980]

@@maxfelson9467 I think what we see here is meta-satire

[@EtzEchad]

Tatsujiro Kurogane However, I guess that beating your own wife is better than hiring someone else to beat her.

[@maxfelson9467]

@Tatsujiro Kurogane ikr ? plus theres probably more things to be worried about other than that, like manipulation emotional abuse etc and thats ignoring the might be existence of bias againts males in these, but thats another can of worms

[@Ben-rz9cf]

If you just beat them they never learn. You have to tell them why you are beating them and beat them with love.

[@Shamino1]

I was actually mention the point of nearly being to tears the entire time, and her glassy-expression of someone feigning despair and sadness, well acted through her expression- especially her eyes. Onion always has top quality.

[@wanderlustwarrior]

This one was great. I saw another one of her talks once: "How to make a damn sandwich". I wonder if she writes her own speeches, they're so captivating and speak right to my soul.

[@michaelmclaughlin261]

Also her showstopper: "That beer in the fridge ain't gonna get itself. " ;)

[@informationoverload2487]

@@michaelmclaughlin261so she’s saying what her husband says to her?

[@lizxu322]

And "how to hide the eye bruise using concealer because you tripped into a doorknob"

[@ayo2064]

This video unlocked a whole new facet of sympathy for me that I never even knew existed

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Your man bun must be humbling

[@vociferonheraldofthewinter2284]

My husband and I have a deal. If one of us is cold, they put on a freaking sweater. If one of us is hot, they WIN and we get AC even if that means that the other person (who was perfectly comfortable is now shivering) has to get more clothes. You can always put on more clothes. You can only get so naked.

[@RonJohn63]

_You can only get so naked._ But that's a good thing for your husband if you're attractive.

[@wii3willRule]

Which pretty much always puts the onus on you to accommodate his preferences.

[@RonJohn63]

@@wii3willRule which is as it should be!!! :D

[@vociferonheraldofthewinter2284]

@@wii3willRule Actually, no. I'm a middle aged woman with lots of long hair. He's a bald man. The only time I'm shivering is at night. My body temp drops in the evenings, then he takes over. So I put on socks and a sweater after dinner. He sleeps hot, so I have to get an extra blanket. Even in the summer I have a heavy, winter robe for the nights. During the day, I'm the hot one, then he's got to put on a hat. And sometimes a light jacket. If his nose turns red and starts running, I have mercy on him, pull up my hair, and put on shorts.

[@wii3willRule]

@@RonJohn63 And never the other way around?

[@fakeascanbe423]

It's hard to believe but the charts don't lie.

[@joelalexander5338]

I love this woman’s honesty, and willingness to address this alarmingly relevant issue.

[@THOUSANDSofAPOLOGIES]

Never in my life have I wanted to hug someone so badly.

[@tommynorthwood]

Yes, this man truely is a genius. Probably not on this talk because he's doing important things..

[@chippysteve4524]

I bet you do everything badly!

[@RobbyJHope]

When the Onion predicts the future.

[@Scias]

They literally predicted the sexist air conditioning news loool

[@dias8726]

Scias lmao

[@sylviesatie7189]

This isn’t a prediction about air-conditioning and it being kept too high for women at their jobs. It’s about a woman being verbally abused by her husband at her home because she’s cold.

[@devaadnan9757]

@@sylviesatie7189 each person have difrent opinion

[@LePageChannel]

@@sylviesatie7189 It's also about shutting your fucking mouth! :D

[@blueoystercultforevs]

I love how subtle this is, compared to some of the Onion's more overt humor.

[@kanetombs1275]

Great video and very funny in a really depressing way. Going to go hug my wife now and think of something nice to do for her....

[@vangroover1903]

Take her her coat?

[@PassionataDance]

onion isn't even satire anymore, They better become a real news outlet.

[@Midnight_Rain_Wolfgang-Telos]

Her voice is adorably sad.

[@lolkhjort]

Satire aside, this actually hit home with me. I had some chronic stress issues as a child, and one of the symptoms of it was that my body couldn't regulate its own temperature very well. The adults around me consistently reacted by telling me to stop whining and put on a(nother) damn sweater instead of, say, looking into why this kid was always cold.

[@RubyDoobieScoo]

You were cold because you didn't have a coat on.

[@dale1809]

@@RubyDoobieScoo hahahaha

[@Btt741]

The acting was so good that the video was more uncomfortable than funny 🙃

[@thehyphenator]

2:13 "Total Shrublands" is indeed a weighted average of Closed and Open. I'm impressed.

[@cosmokramer9378]

Oh man, even the Onion wouldn't make this sketch now.

[@Living20222]

Cosmo Kramer Let's not think Sky News is an actual credible source or even a majority of opinion.

[@StrazdasLT]

Havent you heard, AC is sexist nowadays.

[@mercster]

Pretty sure they would.

[@tom_something]

Given the self-aware nature of the video as I interpret it, I'd reckon they would.

[@squamish4244]

Let's see - an Onion headline from _yesterday_ says this: *Feminist Gamers Rejoice: Dead or Alive 6's Female Characters All Have Huge, Jiggling Breasts Because Every Woman Should Feel Beautiful* So yeah. Totally couldn't show anything like this now. With the surface reading, which is not what it's about.

[@davissae]

Comedy can do a great job at getting us to see what we might otherwise run from

[@dadevi]

That's the whole point of The Onion.

[@amafuji]

Coats?

[@kevinakers9133]

I work as a server I have always wondered the polite way to say this to people. “Different people feel a different levels of discomfort even when exposed to the same temperature”. I can’t tell you how many times it’s 90 degrees outside and one person in a room of dozens demands the store turns the air condition off. Completely ignoring that in doing so you may make everyone else uncomfortable. Fun fact: They keep it so cold in there also to kill germs and so the server taking care of you doesn’t sweat in your food and drinks.

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

True true. I reluctantly waited tables, and the body heat of a waiter running around, going in a kitchen...we needed the AC. The ladies that showed up with bare arms were dumb. Always bring a sweater to a restaurant, chicks

[@igrim4777]

Fun fact: refrigeration doesn't kill germs. It generally helps them survive for longer. It might slow down their rate of reproduction but that's not killing them.

[@joetowers4804]

Why is she cold? Did she leave the kitchen?

[@TrenchMan93]

Ok so this turned into a verbal abuse confession

[@spackle9999]

Austin Trench You can sit around cataloging all the times in your life when someone talked to you harshly, or you can shut your big yap and put on a fucking coat if your cold. Which is it going to be?

[@mrfreeman2911]

Austin Trench it was more a "listen to others" from time to time, rather then complain about nothing. I guess you missed the point

[@TrenchMan93]

Mr Freeman yeha like how you missed how many years to make a half life 3 Mr. Freeman!!

[@XinBiDe]

Austin is right, this is meant to be unsettling and disturbing because this woman obviously has a verbally abusive husband who mistreats her. Kind of scary that people think the message is that the husband was right.

[@E-99x]

Gilgamesh Smith He's tell her to shut the fuck up, telling her she has half a brain, to not say she's uncomfortable. And she looks scared af, her eyes are baggy, and in pictures her husband looks like a gangster... Basically she is not to talk at all. Now imagine if your dad was telling your mom to shut the fuck up and that she had half a brain. I'd punch that dude in the face. You should never talk down to another person, just leave the area.

[@kantikun134970]

In the intro, right-Middle screen in the back, one of the words is just, “BOOM.” 🤣🤣🤣

[@barracudadeath-wish101]

I spotted sizzle

[@Will-tb8qm]

"HEARTWORM"

[@Zhengrui0]

A happy household, just as God intended, just like my ma and pa had - I'm getting a little teary eyed

[@gasparguruoftime5475]

Great actress, I legitimately feel bad for her and just want to give her a hug.

[@dddaaaannnnn]

I don't know whether the best adjective for all these Onion series is "funny" or "chilling."

[@paraquemolestarseenp]

This woman makes my heart ache. I just wanna hug her and tell her everything is gonna be alright.

[@erikk77]

This video made me put on a god damn sweater.

[@belalabusultan5911]

Dear Onion. did your writing team quit and start working for real news companies? I am just asking because the world is weird. sincerely, a confused Earth person.

[@ian_b]

Another thread in which both sides of the argument are ignoring that the thing they're commenting on is satire.

[@BigBlack81]

+jaxxstraw Nothing like a lack of objectively to taint the comment section on a good video. XD

[@zoopdterdoobdter5743]

Or, perhaps some did/do recognize that it was intended as satire, but given that this just came up in the news AGAIN, her being so overly distraught re: the rebuke for her selfishness and lack of common sense makes her less a character worthy of our compassion and more of an entitled whiner deserving of scorn. Maybe, she carefully selected photos in which her husband appears like an angry, slovenly brute in a cynical attempt to garner sympathy. Maybe he has a point; he's wearing a tank top in one shot... can't be that cold... Maybe, we should look at the unflattering representation of the man and consider how deeply ingrained this association of malice and evil is with the iconic depiction of an unhappy, balding, unattractive male wearing a "wife beater" and how this automatically biases us against him? Maybe that's unfair? Maybe, we shouldn't assume she hasn't any agency of her own just because she's a woman. Maybe we're the sexists for regarding her as a child incapable of responding to encouragement to move on to a new relationship with a man who likes the room as warm as she does... I'm just saying...(Meta)context is everything when it comes to interpretation. ;)

[@tom_something]

You do realize that good satire often has a point, right? And this is good satire.

[@kusog3]

Hey, it's no longer a satire... it's a sexist issue now apparently -2018

[@tom_something]

It's dark satire about domestic abuse. It already was that when it came out six years ago. Lately, the message has been louder and less nuanced so the people in the back might finally get it.

[@Whimzy74]

These actors are too good. She made me tear up 😢

[@wiggy5209]

The closed mouth almost breaking down at the end is done so well ....brilliant

[@Drpatrick777]

I LOL'd at the space heaters "their a scam, they only keep themselves hot and the rest of the room cold" so true!

[@HaoSci]

Spouse Abuse?

[@mackler]

This is so inspirational. I cried through the whole thing.

[@andrewclastic2835]

If this isn't a cry for help I don't know what is. She should be arrested for the hell she put her husband through.

[@Jeff-BrokenJaw]

I actually used to work with a woman who was like this. She jacked the heat up as high as it would go in a room until it was about 85 degrees. I told her to stop doing that and she complained, "But I'm cold!" I said, "Then put on a coat! Other people have to be in this room, too!" I eventually got tired of it and went to a back room. Then she complained to management that she was being left alone to do all the work.

[@CatSmithers]

Jeff what happened to you (and her) afterwards?

[@araincs]

I heard a great solution from my boss once. There was this office in the building, bunch of middle aged women there, constantly complaining about it either being too hot or too cold and demanding the whole buildings thermostat be fiddled with so what they did was install a thermostat in their office and they could set it however they wished. All the complaining stopped afterwards. And of course the thermostat they got was fake and wasnt actually connected to anything.

[@likeabunnie]

AREss haha that's genius!

[@im_aleey]

@@araincs fucking brilliant.

[@gyz9599]

The joke of this was domestic violence, not that...

[@gilgamesh6135]

I just love the audience faces. So attentive. Killed me 😂😂😂

[@complainingabout5109]

I'm glad she has such a supportive husband

[@FrancoUnAmericano]

Jesus this just got better after the sky news interview...

[@Smooth_Operator]

what interview

[@dillbill7152]

@@Smooth_Operator Air conditioning is sexist. How did you miss that one doode it's a classic.

[@FortunAdlaich]

I laughed at this before realizing how dark it is, and then felt bad for laughing more

[@Tarnus88]

Holy hell, almost all of the Onions last productions seem to take an extremly dark turn.

[@yektaagra741]

this is literally my mom in the winter minus the part where she puts on a goddamn coat

[@twostep919]

Great acting, I wish this sketch was twice as long!

[@MrSnickerssuper]

This one is the best of all the talks so far

[@veryskeptical2409]

This was so inspirational for me...raised my conscience and allowed me to look beyond my own personal small pathetic world...

[@craZ4cheese]

You people do know that this video isn't literal and is really satirizing a women's abusive relationship with her husband

[@TimTeboner]

Yeah, this one seems to have gone over a lot of people's heads, jeez.

[@verfed]

We get that, but still it's good advice. Men who are hot can't take off their clothes, but women who are cold can put more clothes on, so men win, we turn on the AC in summer and keep the heating low in winter. Saves money. Common sense.

[@IIIIIawesIIIII]

Seriously? I didn't think so at all. It seems much more, like she is displaying a self-pitying person who is always angry and resentful but only shows it passive-aggressively because they are shy. I've known so many people like that.

[@alterechtjetzt4647]

@@IIIIIawesIIIII I guess many answers apply to this one sketch. Obviously, heating is expensive, and putting on clothes is one way to deal with it. Shitty relationships, where one or both are bringing their lot of baggage... Good luck coming out with less instead of more.

[@vangroover1903]

As the weather turns colder this video really rings true, and hits right at home. A coat isn't always the solution to every problem, but it is often a good start.

[@k2ggers961]

Never before did I want to hug someone so much.

[@concordat]

Every time I hear the theme to Onion talks I expect it to turn into the Jurassic Park theme.

[@yuhyuh7603]

Is there a team coming up with these titles or just a lone hermit that sends them in via carrier pigeons?

[@plastiktuten3866]

this might be the best Onion Talks I’ve seen

[@Sedalb]

Communicating sarcasm via text is a delicate art.

[@Keylimedelight]

Dark, so damn dark.

[@Pierreism]

This one made me really sad :(

[@landth78]

This is so amazing Exactly the kind of video I love

[@potatokitty]

So touching.

[@truthbetold2567]

I think I'm going to go apologize to my wife now. In my defense though she has closet full of coats and sweaters.

[@domeatown]

Hope you did. It's not about sweaters. It's about letting the person you love have a win sometimes

[@RuthvenMurgatroyd]

Are you kidding? The woman in the video is definitely in the wrong here but it's the way her husband talks to her. Making a little mistake into a chance to berate her and bring down her confidence. I really hope that you didn't apologize to your wife for anything unless you actually talked to her like this.

[@IamSpacedad]

Divorce and alimony payments are great ways to pay for central heating.

[@perfectfan2006]

she should do a talk on how to have a long lasting marriage most women her age do not have this all figured out yet ..

[@SalvableRuin]

Or the bitch could get a job and pay her own way in life. Oops, no she can't. I just remembered she has a vagina.

[@KillaryKlinton]

There was a void in my life. Then I realized that I haven't been keeping up with ONN like I used to. Now that void has been filled and life has new meaning. Thanks guys!

[@Dan4157]

The Onion is descending into dark tragic humor with all their videos now which I generally find mildly amusing.

[@sagarpalresha7624]

Video is recommended to me in December...well played YT Algorithm.

[@AussieGriffin]

I never laughed so hard and felt so guilty at the same time. On an unrelated note, you can use an electric blanket as long as you do it safely to keep yourself warm at home. A.G.

[@FreeTheUyghurs]

She obviously went back and watched The Wizard of Oz to learn the importance of a firm guidance from an adequate male suitor or guardian.

[@Iowa2006]

Best one so far.

[@SeduireCa]

As a man, I approve this message

Oh my God this was made in 2012, it's 2019 now

[@dvdrtrgn]

My watch says 2021. Hmm that’s odd

[@overthehedgeisamovie]

wow what sage advice! I'm so happy I comment alongside such great thinkers

[@TaylorTheWall]

The entire video I was squirming with discomfort. She emanates sadness so powerfully, I can't take it.

[@SubparPanda]

The Onion is predicting the future. all hail the onion.

[@jackjoo8570]

My fucking work place is so hot i wish i could just sit at my desk in a speedo. Fucking wear more layers its not like i can take more and more off.... i have a fucking light blue shirt you want to set it at 23 degrees in summer? some women are cold alright... cold in the heart.

[@gearsofwar2pwnfest]

The Variable Temperature Discomfort Levels Among Sample Group chart really made a lot of sense from me perspective

[@4TheCacti]

That last part was deep. Sometimes I think that behind the satire, all these Onion videos actually have deeper, more serious meanings like that.

[@phil5892]

All jokes aside, if everyone took this advice seriously the world would be such an awesome place.

[@theuncalledfor]

Can only take off so much clothing, whereas you can always add more on top. So really, for the most part, we should all adjust to the person that overheats the most easily in any given room. Perhaps with the exception of if someone is Mister Freeze, or something like that but less overly dramatic.

[@sylviesatie7189]

The idea of this sketch is not that women/feminists think air conditioning is “sexist” (set to suit the average man but not woman) but that a successful woman scientist is being at the very least verbally abused in her own home by her husband

[@constantinosschinas4503]

best talk ever. very inspirational.

[@daxtonbrown]

I think this is the funniest skit I've ever seen.

[@DoctorTurdmidget]

I identify as a goddamn coat, and I find this offensive.

[@fashnek]

Actually you seem to have completely missed what the video was actually about.

[@WinchesterLock]

Bless your heart

[@digglebick]

this was gold

[@abcddcba09]

Reminds me of a coworker that was in my team once. She'd come dressed almost as revealing as a stripper and complain about being cold when i open the AC in the office

[@orangesherbert8600]

Too real

[@rhythmandacoustics]

Inspirational!

[@allkindsagirls6117]

I love when people think the onion is a reputable source of information. It's just as if not more hilarious than the actual video content.

[@eveharris30]

I'm inspired, now Iknow what to do when I'm constantly thirsty.

[@neonparadox6967]

I am glad that she learned her place

[@TrueGritProductions]

Islam was right about climate control

[@pi4313]

2:09 How my graph be for every science fair

[@THEgoodSPAI]

lmao, when the camera cuts to the crowd, it showed like 4 people, who were all sitting next to each other.

[@j.a.400]

This one's pretty dark hehe

[@robotsam1299]

My mother is like this, she's always fucking with the heater, or the AC instead of putting on a fucking coat, or turning on the ceiling fan. Course according to her I'm some sort of freak of nature because I don't use blankets in the winter because I don't get cold. I guess that makes me the only woman in the world that doesn't get cold, or at least the only feminist in the world that doesn't think AC is a patriarchal plot.

[@jenispizz2556]

0:46 Line delivery is perfect.

[@intheair1987]

Haha this is the best Onion Talk so far