Your authenticity enrages the narcissist

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@dani_benjumea]

“Seeing their name on your phone screen is enough to leave you sick” Spot on!

[@thenewuser3100]

Truee...

[@wordswordswords8203]

Yea, when I see a email come in from my sister I tense up and just brace myself for the manipulative, mean, crazy bullshit that I am about to read.

[@vickipacheco9787]

Yes,That flat tire feeling.....just seeing their name on your phone. JUST NO.DELETE.or Wash,spin,repeat. The abuse,punishment will be twice >>> as bad If you take them back. I KNOW from years of having been married to a narcissist in the past. Then to find out from our two children he had a mistress for many years.he even showed me a picture saying a longtime friend introduced them. I divorced him. Narc's are Halflings are Less than functioning LUNATICS. I did break FREE but lost a lot in family,friends,finances(he hid his $) I am sorry what our children.(teens) went through. They stayed with the father, he had $$$$. I got a job transfer to Hawaii for many years. He tried to get me back.NO !!!IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.

[@skatergirl8019]

Yes!!

[@desertsage3811]

@@karamila82 Its insane how much this really goes on in the work place now

[@Ryno-fp7pm]

A narcissist will try to change you to what he/she wants. They hate that you are an individual.

[@juliapurdy3950]

In spite of whatever they might say to your face. And they only say nice to your face because that then puts the burden of whatever you do or don't do on you -- not them.

[@MissReneeMichelle]

And then once they do - they will discard you because you are no longer useful to them.

[@pyarkaaloo]

the demand for group cohesion creates some real bullies…god forbid you are “different”

[@panfried7566]

Authenticity. A quality absolutely MISSING in a narcissist. And, oh, yes. They are just so jealous of what comes so naturally to you. Thanks, Dr. Ramani.

[@GenerationX1984]

They hate all qualities that they lack. I would cultivate all the qualities they lack just to spite them and annoy them further.

[@Daysleeper1000]

​​@@GenerationX1984Amen. I belly laugh and express joy around my SELF RIGHTEOUS narc mother 😂😂😂😂Aggravates her so much, she engages in passive aggressive smear campaigns. Meh. I know better, and, that's all that matters!!!

[@fena1931]

They are envying creatures too, among other things

[@BillClinton228]

Their ability to brush off any facts that don't suit them is frankly astounding. Their only interest is to win no matter what it takes even if it means ruining others lives. And if you don't buy into their manipulation and lies then the monster comes out, it's almost like you're committing a crime because you're not letting them manipulate you and use you.

[@user-bp6wn4qt8b]

This describes my parents to a T. They seem to hate that I’m not a conformist and that I have different opinions than their pre-approved beliefs

[@lisadeee1343]

I broke free and lost my entire family. I’ll grieve that loss for the rest of my days. My Narcissistic sister won but I received peace and am no longer walking on egg shells and forever being blamed for everything that went wrong within our family. My reality sucks some days, especially around birthdays etc but I have to keep looking forward and not backwards.

[@plantsoverpills1643]

Wow…I had to check to see if I had written this comment!!!!

[@SEABIRDSYMPHONY]

I have broke free from my siblings permanently since 2010 when our mother died. I have the same issue with my only sister and three other brothers. But what do we expect we never had a chance to be close or respectful and loving to one another because our own mother was a narcissist controlling manipulative mother who pitted us kids against one another. So I see it as a blessing in disguise. They don't deserve us, our time nor are Authenticity. Friends can be family too. And that's where I found my new family. As well as FREEDOM.

[@joykigenrob3498]

❤️❤️ ❤️ this must be difficult. I wish you peace and bright days ahead with strong new relationships.

[@janswimwild]

You are not alone but you are courageous and safe. Big hugs, I know what it feels like. ❤️

[@mirnakvesic8982]

💖💖💖 sending hugs your way

[@z32luvr]

Always expect them to do the wrong thing and you will never be disappointed.

[@revolutionunderground]

And, count on them to NEVER DE-ESCALATE an emotionally tense situation! That ends up being solely your burden! You have to carry your emotions, and THEIRS, too! Because they have zero self-control with rage in communication!

[@manjushas9550]

This advice is gold! Learnt it that hard way but 💯

[@cyberninjasworld]

True dat

[@Anonymous_Anon882]

And make you out to be the thoroughbred villain/monster when you toss even the smallest fragment of that animosity and malignancy their way. ‘S/he told my ex./mum how much of a dick I am (whether the most-appropriate platform was used or not or, indeed, the intent was even for the recipient to, for example, see the message/s). I’m frightened of what s/he’s going to do next. [His/her] authentic self is such an evil monster. How did s/he go from the nicest person ever to this raging psycho.?’ That’s just how they operate and think. Either they see a trace of heat from you (whatever the original intention) and gaslight/gossip about you even more in the most grotesquely-magnified, far-removed-from-the-victim’s-intent terms or they realise that your authenticity (at least the bit that comes through) isn’t here to budge and isn’t going to play second-fiddle to a gaslight that never switches off or spewing inaccurately-speculative poison out of their dirty mouths and quit bugging you (whether you even grey-rock them or not). But one way or another the narcissist will never truly meet you where you’re genuinely-at or want to. It makes them too-insecure.

[@northuist2]

And get away with it. At least for awhile. They must have kissed the blarney stone, or some stone lol.

[@ssweeny9415]

“Healing is an act of defiance when it comes to narcissistic relationships.” I needed to hear this today. Thank you.

[@phoenixrising8007]

Your autonomy is seen as a major threat & insult to them💥💣💥 TruthBomb

[@WorldOfARandomVegan]

Amen! Though I went through hell and he recently made his true colors abundantly clear, I'm glad for the timing of it. Great things are coming my way and he would absolutely abuse me more emotionally and financially so his latest BS/betrayal has erased all doubt. I'm ready for healing and blessings.

[@jobrooklyn2642]

I live this everyday of my life

[@G-Sagittastellium]

Oh yes I feel this on a daily basis

[@marymorse7467]

It can also be the very same when it’s the parent trying to escape. Please address this as well. Cold Indifference is right on.

[@Sluppie]

The fact that a narcissist would take time out of their day to harass you over literally nothing makes sense when you realize that being narcissistic is their entire life. You cannot keep up with them because you are a healthy person who cares about healthy things and they are an unhealthy person who obsesses over unhealthy things.

[@cazjay017]

Well said. They will harass you over literally nothing.

[@dianaverano7878]

" Being angry is the easiest reaction that can be done" said by a self-aware narcissist on a youtube video. As a calm person, I was shocked. How can a narcissist have energy to be angry all the time? As a calm person, Being angry removes my energy for the moment. Anger is the air these narcissists breathe. We have to put boundaries from these angry people, if you are a calm person. It is not psychologically healthy for me.

[@SuzannaLiessa]

​​​@@Stevie-J The best thing I was told about interacting with an abusive parent was to acknowledge that communicating is a no-win situation and stop trying to respond in a way that wouldn’t set them off. Instead, I needed to structure my communications so that I would be as safe as possible. Figure out what my boundaries were, choose a standard response to anything that's unacceptable (mine is to refuse to respond at all), and stick to it. It didn't completely stop the abuse, but I don't waste time and energy on a response and I don't go down the rabbit hole trying to defend myself. The abuse did escalate at first. An abuser's first response to a boundary is to try to break it down. I hung on because letting myself be abused wasn't good for anybody, but setting boundaries was good for me. I'm so sorry your parents are wretched.

[@karenk2409]

@@cazjay017 FOR HOURS ...

[@Portia620]

@@Stevie-Jdon’t defend!!!!!

[@halfmoonyogi4997]

I lived with a narcissistic aunt in foster care through my teen years. She told me I was crazy, mentally ill, and was going to fail at everything I dreamed of doing. During my senior year I got sick of her bullshit and started distancing myself. I grey rocked her. I put on a happy mask that she couldn't use to manipulate me, and didn't ever share my authentic thoughts or feelings with her. I spent more time away from her embracing my true self and learning to love myself again. Even though I didn't share this process with her, I think she knew it, because she certainly punished me for it. She tried to pull me back in, convince me that I needed her and to be dependent on her again, and when that didn't work she discarded me. She couldn't stand that I was happy. I haven't talked to her since I left at 18 and changed my number. I'm 26 now.

[@cb9825]

Yup, they feel that control is slipping away and are pissed about it. My mother used to complain that we don't have closer relationship. She has heard that my friend calls her mother every evening and used it as an example of daughterly obligation🤨

[@willytompkins8115]

Same alchoholic narc stepmother . Left day after ha graduation at 17 never looked back.

[@kaylabean3693]

Same left at 18 to the military from a narcissistic dad, because being miserable in the military was better than being miserable with my dad🤷🏽‍♀️and he now has kidney failure, had a stroke, and homeless. We won. Not like they were counting (we all know they were hoping for our downfall) so cheers to us

[@heavensworlds1165]

Good on you girl! Proud of you! Go live your life to the FULLEST!!

[@LoveBeliefTruth]

Good for you. Your aunt truly sounds like my mom and father. Thank you for sharing!

[@rhino5100]

I'm a lawyer and I have to deal with this in my extended family and in my job (yes, narcissists create lots of business for lawyers). There is a technique that is useful to not get drawn in. Here's how it works on the job but can also be used, for example, if you have to co-parent with a narcissist. You get the nasty, vindictive, ugly written communication full of bile and bulls--t. Scan it to see if there is anything that legitimately requires a response. We got a rambling angry 8 page, single spaced letter from a real nasty client. Most of it was anger and garbage, but there was one legitimate legal question in the entire thing. The response from us was a five line, one paragraph letter on the order of "We are in receipt of your letter of (date). In response to your question about (Y), the answer is (X). Please don't hesitate to contact us if you have any further questions." I wrote it and my boss read it aloud for the entertainment of the entire office because this was a well known piece-of-work client, and we all laughed! We aren't therapists or psychologists. We are lawyers and we respond to legal questions. The rest of it didn't get a response because its not our problem. You can do the same when you get a garbage, abusive communication that in the middle asks if you can pick up the child early from visitation because your nasty ex has to make it to a dental appointment. Just respond to that one part, and nothing else! Its actually pretty satisfying and damn funny to just decide that the rest of it doesn't even deserve a mention. #nooxygenhere

[@life_is_the_proof_of_god]

This is gold! I've copy paste and saved it. Thank you!

[@wendikruger3431]

Brilliant advice, thank you.

[@debbratucker3727]

SAVED 💖🙏💖

[@elinor6525]

Spot on excellent! I've unwittingly done this to my narc texts...read it, wait, sometimes a whole day, then only respond to the legitimate stuff, period. Amazing how quickly it shuts them up, and how the 'emergency or drama' fizzles out. Also, in relation to a group setting, I do group emails and don't respond to personal texts that are obvious ploys to breadcrumb/lovebomb/gaslight. I might respond once with an emoji, but that's it, no discussion. Also such emails are cc'd to my next in line chain of command. The overt manipulation attempts have all but disappeared, but I am well aware of the attempt s to create flying monkeys behind the scenes. This is where the open communication pays off, everyone has the same information at the same time, nothing hidden. Acts as an honesty foil against background manipulation, without getting all he said she said back and forth in texts.

[@martyprivate4373]

Love it!

[@sadiegirl7344]

"The child only wants to be cherished." Yes, never was. It was so hard to figure out why I wanted so badly to be cherished by the ex husband narcissist. It's sad how much that relationship mirrored my childhood. Took me 25 years to figure that out. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.

[@mb_lonewolf]

ITS only sad if you never wake up! For the ones that have, breathe that fresh peaceful air in… because.. you know now, YOU ARE WORTH IT! Not everything that glitters is gold!

[@mitzicrowder2186]

I totally get you.I delt and am still dealing with this same stuff.thank you for sharing

[@cyndiGoat1965]

20 years for me… but at least I’m still alive and have a new start. Be strong and Be You! 🙏💗😊

[@KoolT]

Omg so sorry. My sister was with one 25 years also but damaged her daughters so badly. They never recovered.

[@janswimwild]

The same for me, and the same 25 years too. At least now we are free.

[@desertsage3811]

"Sometimes it is as simple as that cold indifference"...this was one of most validating things I have heard in a long time. Cold indifference is that thing I haven't been able to explain that hurts like crazy.

[@yaminiayachitam]

I was just about to say that! Cold indifference is very cruel tactic by Narcissist. The cold look itself looks scary!

[@dandersohn]

Bless your heart! I hear you! I’ve lived for 33 years with this! How am I even still alive 😢

[@ratgirl13]

Yes, my authentic self did enrage him-but you know what? I’ve never stopped being authentic which is why he “discarded” me in the first place, I wouldn’t allow for the indoctrination, and once I knew he was a narcissist and told him there was no Unringing that bell. I walked out with my self intact and have never looked back-cut him from my life completely and his flying monkeys-I cleaned house-and today I’m enjoying my life and taking care to continue to learn about how to keep these vampires out of my life. As in all the vampire movies show-a vampire can’t enter your life and domain unless you invite it in-Knowledge is power. Thank you Doctor Ramani for helping us to learn about these creatures.

[@karenk2409]

Good for you!!

[@thesoulfoodpodcast]

“They will fight you over the price of a shoelace.” 🗣🗣🗣 If this doesn’t speak to the fact that Narcissistic people are kings and queens of pettiness, I don’t know what will. They are literally grown boys and girls 😔

[@karenk2409]

With mine, it was a damned treadmill that I was only too happy to give him, but he had a thousand excuses for not retrieving it and taking me back to court. Eventually the judge got sick of him and that was the end of it. They HATE losing control of you, so they claw into every trivial thing to prevent you from finally getting free of them. And that's despite having told you all the ways they despise you and threatening divorce to keep you in line. Just sick. SO happy to be free.

[@yvonnes7412]

Before he left, he went around the house doing petty things to annoy me like leaving his dirty dishes in the sink and putting the toilet seat up 🤣😂😅. The pettiness is unreal and so childish. I just laughed and thanked God that he was gone! Ugh…

[@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning]

It is so true that my authenticity enrages all the narcs I know. Narcs want to groom you to be their energetic slave. Your value is ONLY in what they perceive you will do for them or give to them. They don't care about you, your feelings, or your life. When you show them that you are on to them, they will push back hard. Run from these people. It will not get better, ever. Get distance so that you have peace and time to grieve the relationship you wanted but never had.

[@parallax9281]

Yes.. They groom you from an early age if you're unlucky enough to have them as parents.. To me; that means being so accustomed to the taste of feces in one drinking water, and to drink clean spring water is to experience something strange; that sadly brings about discomfort despite the fact that clean water is good for you..

[@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning]

@@parallax9281 I agree. In the end it is reality abuse. Parents selfishly using their children for supply and in the process shattering the childrens ability to do life well.

[@parallax9281]

@@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning Perhaps.. But it's a prevalent abuse accepted by our culture..and probably many other industrial cultures..? If it's abuse (which I do agree with) it's so subtle the abusers who perpetuate it would never agree that it's toxic..! I'd like to know how much is cultural, and how much is primate behavior.. Point.? Do human cultures exist today that does NOT encourage this level narcissism..??

[@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning]

@@parallax9281 Good points! I am not sure that I would say it is "accepted" by our culture. This is a very squirrelly arena of messaging. Our culture makes the narcissistically abused person the problem. It is growing now, but years ago, there was very little real information on what all these symptoms meant if found in a person. Therapists are not taught what Dr. Ramani is sharing with all of us. The only therapists who would understand narc abuse where the ones that had endured it themselves. It seems to me a closer definition might be, it is "HIDDEN" by our culture. There is very little cultural conversation about this, because very few people understand it. Just try to explain this to someone who has not yet had a narc experience. They just won't get it. And to add to that, narc abuse is often called other names, like "bullying" or "toxic". Until we all start using the same words for the same thing, it will be challenging to gain cultural understanding. For example, note that Workplace bullying is discussed like it is something different. It is just narcs doing their thing in the workplace. To say it simply, our culture DOES NOT tell us that there are people who are missing KEY elements that define being human. Caring, Empathy, the ability to walk in anothers shoes. There really are two different types of people walking around, those who can live from their heart and those who can't.

[@parallax9281]

@@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning Who came first.? The chicken or the egg..? A basic investigation into the history of any culture should give us some clue to what's happening.. Why would such a behavioral state be HIDDEN in a culture that recognizes it in the DSM..? Something seems apparent with this subject concerning Narcissism, because it's a popular subject on social media, and Dr. Rommnie subs have surpassed 1 million..! Is narccisim/sociopathic behavior a very human affliction or, is it a culturally learned..?

[@ariaphoenix9388]

I was always naturally authentic. I saw through the nonsense and never once considered being a pawn. So, for me, this explained why I was always treated these ways; with that coldness, or etc. I didn't realize that just being my authentic self was why.

[@LEVI040910]

Same here

[@BurningQuestion]

Same. I don't know how to lie or to be fake, I don't think my brain even allows that EXCEPT when I'm face to face with a person who's trying to hurt or bully me. Then I can bluff and trick them but otherwise this feature is blocked. My bullshit detector was always maxed out.

[@sarakjeldsen769]

Yes because many narcissists value power - socially, monetary, etc. they do not understand it when they meet someone who doesn't care about those things at all. They are puzzled and that puzzlement can turn into hate.

[@duhitadas]

Same. I work in the design industry and refused to be a tool and drown down my own voice. Always get surprised why I used to get the same reactions… High five to you!

[@rekietabeatslc9980]

​@@sarakjeldsen769have you met my mother 😂

[@garyrandall3059]

I decided to save myself and the "flying monkey" attack was directed by my little sister. I was so angry with her but then I recognized that she too is a victim who is also infected with chronic narcissism. I've cutoff my mother, step-dad, two siblings and most extended family members. I'm so glad my wife, daughters and therapist have supported me through this hell. I'm so glad that I'm healing now.

[@soniahathaway1]

Me too, complete no contact with the lot of them! 😂🤗

[@tawanawilliams6296]

I am here. It is freeing and hard. I will NOT go back. I have come so far....I am proud of me, though I still have many lonely and self doubting moments. You Dr. Ramani are a huge help in transcending. Thank you.

[@KoolT]

Don't go back. I almost had a nervous breakdown from their RAGES and two timing. Hugs.

[@adaoratheexplorer1252]

Same!

[@ProfessorNorris1]

❤🌿

[@Eighties-Jadie]

Tawana I feel the same. Best wishes and healing to you ❤️

[@laurenceboischot4265]

I'm proud of you too! 🤗

[@beathinks]

“Healing is an act of defiance when it comes to narcissistic abuse.” 🙌🏼

[@emilybc4364]

Wowza! Right?! 💯

[@jenbloom6848]

Amen to that.

[@briannall6232]

Healing g is an act of sanity.....

[@blacksheepbrown1601]

I chose to leave, and lose everyone. And yes, it’s difficult, but better then what I tolerated for decades, and decades.

[@danielkaiser8971]

I hope since then you have had a chance to heal and make new friends, the kind who are truly good friends and who care about your well-being as you care for theirs. I've found that the more you heal from abuse, the easier it is to recognize abuse before it happens, and the more intolerable it is to be in abusive situations or to be around abusive people. Please remember to be kind and gentle to yourself as you heal, and take care.

[@stefankrause5138]

"Lawyers exist because of Narcissists" might be the most on-point description of this profession. 😂👍

[@blackthornsloe8049]

When I was fourteen my mother bought us matching dresses . She wanted us to wear them to the same event . I was thrilled to have a new dress . I only had two changes of clothing at that time . The day of the event arrived and we put on the dresses and came into the living room . She looked at me and said " you can't wear that . It looks stupid on you . I was devastated . It took me thirty years to realize she didn't want me to wear the dress because I looked better than her in it . May she rest in peace.

[@stephanie3848]

Wow she sounds like she was a B. I'm sorry you had a mother like that, you deserved better.

[@marneedesjardins295]

Wow! I would have never thought of this.....spot on!

[@nwatson2773]

May she rest in P I S S

[@killadjango6995]

unfortunately there's no peace whr she's resting.

[@SMint-xo7vf]

That's why truth tellers/seer get the worst from the moment they are born. Their authenticity enrages them so much

[@EveningTV]

I have lived this and the destruction was unbelievable. In our divorce he turned my narcissistic family against me. I've been estranged for 20 years and it was awful for my sons. All three of us had CPTSD, and my eldest son (who took over my role as the primary target for abuse started self medicating and in 2016 at 20 years old my first born child died. The death certificate says it was an accidental overdose that killed him, but I knew it was trauma from years of narcissistic abuse by his sociopathic father (actually diagnosed with NPD & ASPD ) and narcissistic extended family who didn't put the kids' best interest dictate what they would do. They helped him smear me, steal from e, ad leave me isolated, penniless and alone, and I forgot to mention this started after I had a Spontaneous Coronary Artery Dissection (SCAD) and flat lined in front of them. While I was being resuscitated I had a glorious NDE. When I regained consciousness it was clear that my husband and parents were angry at me for surviving, with disabilities and needs I couldn't deny. The discard started before I'd even left the hospital when I was more vulnerable than ever before and totally helpless to protect myself or my children. I desperately needed a husband and family, but instead of looking after us, they were doing all they could to make sure I never recovered, but I did and now my youngest son and I are trying to pick up the pieces once again.

[@mariemonaco6635]

You are in my heart, Evening TV.

[@Dee33636]

I’m so sorry you went through this. What resilience you & your son have. You have each other & there are other survivors like you - so you are not alone @ Evening TV. Shine on, friend. Self care❤

[@athena1047]

You are one strong person. I appreciate the time and effort you put into sharing. I find it comes in waves how I feel about sharing my own story. Thank you. Be good to yourself.

[@chereseplatt686]

I went through something similar to this with my family, though not as bad. I promise, there is healing, & you can get better. It was very isolating and lonely for me and my son, but pain of isolation was still a lot healthier than the pain of dealing with thier narccisstic abuse. There is hope, & there is healing, I promise, & when you get through this, You will be one power house of an amazing human being!!!!!! because that's what happens when you survive hard thing like this. You either die, or you become amazing.

[@victoriajones9872]

OMG 😧.... Sounds terrible. I am glad to hear that you still here and still pushing on with life. Stay strong ... I have had my fair share of Narcissistic crap . But stay strong 💪.

[@Smarty2able]

People in general don't like authenticity because it challenges the status quo

[@marka.8535]

When you live with a narcissistic spouse , even reading, is an act of defiance.

[@melbaT2770]

Oh my gosh! So true!

[@summydots]

Trust me, even reading these comments is. I'm going through so much just to be able to go through these. It's deafening and plain insane. Who has this much time to waste on other, apparently the narcissist does.

[@AnastaciaInCleveland]

This was true in my situation with ex-husband. Learning is empowering! Reading also took time away from me serving him. ~ Anastacia in Cleveland

[@peachesmcgee4795]

So funny u say that - narc ex friend had a real problem with other people reading. She said it was a waste of time! (Knowing I enjoyed reading)

[@AnastaciaInCleveland]

@@peachesmcgee4795 Narcs like to piss on anything that we enjoy.

[@Ephesianss429]

Oh my gosh yes, start being comfortable in your own skin and they will try to make you feel like an imposter.

[@doremifasogirl]

This was depressing as as hell. Choosing to heal, while painful in itself, holds that the promise of future legal action, swift reprisals, and all manner of terrible response from the narcissist. If you don’t heal, you’re damned. If you do heal, you’re damned. If you leave a narcissist, you’re damned. If you stay with a narcissist, you’re damned - what a nightmare.

[@amac2573]

I am lonely because I am on my own, however it is better than being in their company, being lonely and controlled!

[@vickit3124]

💐

[@amac2573]

@@vickit3124 Thank you! 🤗

[@JulieStarlingMusic]

Hang in there! You will eventually find your people who will love and cherish you for who you are! 💖

[@SteeleMagnolia]

Hang in there, cause time will be your best friend. Family are the absolute worst for churning toxins, whereas real friends and acquaintances are more likely to bring you genuine joy. Please know that you are doing yourself an honor by not allowing your life to be shared with people (blood relatives) that assume you must accept them and their ways. I had to go no-contact with my mother, five siblings, and all other relatives, to save myself, the scapegoat. It's been years past now, and I'm the better person for it, with my own grown children that will never know the dysfunctional family I grew up with.

[@nathanielcampos4152]

It's better to be all alone than be surrounded by people that make you feel all alone. - Robin Williams said that

[@jedd1999]

The financial control/abuse is for real. Keeping children dependant on them.

[@mrb4761]

They have "coercive control" laws to fight against this in the UK. I sure do wish they would get around to passing them here in the United States.

[@jesuschristisking2877]

Yes. My brother is dependent on my mother even at 55 financially. He has been taught to not have any responsibility...ever..its a sick game of control.. thankfully I live in a different country and have minimal contact.

[@chrisblair3819]

Dr. Ramani, let me take "time out of my day" to tell you how helpful your videos are, and what a difference you are making. Keep doing your work. It matters.

[@FMartini1960]

God I love this woman ! She brings me back to the point of realizing I am not the crazy one !

[@Linda_R.]

And I have an even stronger reason to remember "I'm not the crazy one." I'm Bipolar and have been on meds for 17 years now. I finally got diagnosed at 50 yrs old, about 6 years into the Narc relationship that lasted another 14. I'm out now and when I express some of the stuff I was told by him to my sane, stable, authentic sister, and then my thoughts of logic that told me he didn't make any sense, we both have a good laugh about it. She validates my logical reactions and I am grateful because I knew I wasn't "nuts" and she keeps me affirmed like that. I do have telephone contact with him, and I gave him, in one conversation, a dose of his own sarcasm. I commented, "Oh, alright. I'll bow to the absurdity of your statement for now." "What?!" he counters with. "Oh, I DO apologize," I sweetly respond. "I forgot you haven't got a grasp of the English language and didn't understand that." "I know what that means!" he snarls. OMG how my sister and I giggle at his ridiculous attempts at saving face.

[@ilikemyrealname]

Number 4 is why people have said to me “Why do you care so much about what other people think” and my reply usually is “I don’t care about what they think, I care about what they’ll do because of how they think”. People just don’t get it because they’ve either never been triangulated or have and haven’t woken up to it yet. Either way, they’re far from helpful when saying that.

[@reesedaniel5835]

Or they are narcs themselves....and that is usually the case when they fail to show you empathy and instead take the opposing view.

[@cb9825]

@@reesedaniel5835 I never thought of it! Def could be a narc way to say "I don't really care, just shut up" without directly saying it.

[@pumpupthejam28]

That just helped me understand myself better. It was hard for me to come to terms with people believing what they hear without verifying with me or worse, people who have known me for years and whom I believe should know better than to believe this nonsense out of some sort of sense of loyalty toward the narcissist. But you hit the nail on the head with wondering what they would do or how far it could be taken. Great… another thought catapulting around in my head at night!

[@rimmalikover9724]

They will try to comeback into your life after 15 years...when you are done with them, went to university found a job..wait a minute Im not narc...you are the one with anger management issues...by the way your friends are all on my side...etc...very horrible indeed...I called out on his racism...antisemitism...in front of everyone

[@rameezh88]

THIS. I've gotten this a lot from friends who could never begin to understand. I didn't have a clear answer, even for myself, until now. Thank you!

[@marieborchardt2910]

Going no contact with one narcisstic person caused some others in our mutual circle of family and friends to distance from me. I grieve the loss of some of them, but once I understood what the narcissist was, I could never go back and pretend everything was OK. I pray for their well-being.

[@RayneyKayLa]

The weaker wolves. Cowards

[@kms5306]

I understand this 💯 %. I lost my 2 best friends (also happen to be my sister-in-laws as well and a covert narc brother-in Law) because my daughter went no contact with a woman who married into our happy family and turned it upside down in a matter of 4 years. At this point my daughter, husband and myself have gone no contact with the narcs and it’s been gut wrenchingly difficult. I miss them a lot.

[@brianlane9534]

You said it. Once you know, and understand it, there is no way you'd ever want to put yourself back into it. It's like climbing out of a volcano.

[@BrendaBaBoom]

Insight 101: Collateral damage has its place.

[@laurienordin2076]

@@brianlane9534 love this analogy!! yes, it certainly is like climbing out of a volcano!

[@veilmontTV]

I've been called genuine by enough people over a long enough time that i can go ahead and consider myself authentic without feeling cocky about it. I have seriously noticed in the past that narcissists just don't like me. It's taken so long to actually be confident and happy but i love who i am and the life i have. It's insane to me how these people think. Love and compassion to everyone and especially ourselves always

[@pedrosandoval1853]

Dr Ramani. You will never know how much you have helped me. I’m going thru a separation and heading to formal divorce. And as I am packing and sorting thru all the “stuff” of 30 years of married life, I am listening to one after another one of your videos to REMIND me, to give me strength and to hold my ground to never go back to that land of devaluation, disapproval, punishment. Thank you!!!!!!!!🙏🙏🙏 God bless!!!

[@SparkleAnBlake]

@Pedro yes these videos are a terrific reinforcement during your actions to move forward. I pray that you are completely free now and that it went better than expected. I pray for your peace of mind and calm spirit throughout this journey 🙏🏾🙏🏾❤️‍🩹

[@pedrosandoval1853]

@@SparkleAnBlake thank you for your kind words!!!!

[@Kellers_Mom]

I pray for your strength to get through all this AND you WILL GET THROUGH IT. You will survive and you will be so much happier. I was married & went through it for 35 years. I know what you're going through can hurt so much at times. I had to look at my ex as if he had died so I could grieve & move on. I pray for you - you will succeed.

[@om617yota8]

Self care is an act of defiance, too. Take care of yourselves because you're worthy of being taken care of, but also appreciate that every time you brush your teeth, it's also a middle finger at your narc.

[@karenk2409]

Love it! 😆🪥!

[@flowersofthefield340]

Very very very dangerous people ...... And most esp those who get into positions of power eg military, police, government, lawyers, doctors , finance etc At a family level you must escape and you must get away .......... PROTECT YOU AND YOU ONLY

[@DimplesGenX]

100% most are Trump supporters.

[@mrb4761]

"those who get into positions of power" This happens a lot because our culture enables and coddles narcissists

[@briansutton1682]

"Healing is an act of defiance when it comes to narcissistic relationships ". No truer words could be said..

[@fancynancymacy]

I recognized how dangerous my mother was from a very very early and chose never to have children for the exact reasons that you were explaining because I knew what she would do. Now with 42 years of Sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous I credit the program for teaching me to be authentic. And then giving me the support to do that.

[@elaynepallist572]

“Succeeding on your own terms…” this is exactly what I needed to hear. Operating by others’ value system and using their scale to measure yourself is a bona fide means of feeling like a failure, exaggerated self-criticism, perfectionism and feeling that you will never measure up. Self-acceptance and knowing one’s own scale for success is the dagger in their heart: you're no longer their pawn in their imaginary chess game.

[@janeene24]

You hit the nail on the head with this one! I radically accepted his behavior years ago. Since then I’ve been focused on what makes me happy and my children. The rage almost never ends! When I stand up for myself I’m being disrespectful. He cuts me at the knees financially, silent treatment for weeks or months, smear campaigns, you name it! He told me everybody knows how you are and what I have to deal with. 🤦🏾‍♀️ He mocks how I choose to wear my hair, knowing it makes me more confident. He constantly reminds me that I live in his house and threatens to kick me out almost weekly. I don’t have the means to leave but I’m working on it. Enough is enough.

[@suzanneflowers2230]

You go, girl!

[@parallax9281]

Den..? I once tolerated such treatment because I was groomed by both parents to treat such toxicity as normal.. The relationship I had with my parents, reflected my tolerance level for such unhealthy unsustainable behavior in my relationships.. My problem was feeling comfortable with reasonably balanced people because acute narcissism was all I knew..

[@paysonadams4597]

@@parallax9281 that and the magical thinking cptsd creates are a lethal combo. We can do alot on our own behalf if we stop focusing on who they are, what they did and why, and refocus ourselves on ourselves, raise our standards to what we all KNOW WE DESERVE, see through our debilitating fairy tales and settle down into reality. It's, of course, much easier said than done, but it can be done. Check out the Crappy Childhood Fairy's slightly different take on our journey's mission. I feel like she's the next level of taking Dr Ramani 's spot on teachings and applying them practically to bring about bliss in our lives. And MEDITATE. PRICELESS!! GOOD LUCK IN LOVE, ALL 💜💜

[@parallax9281]

@@paysonadams4597 I've noticed that imprintation has a lot to do with who we choose as mates, and what we feel comfortable with in these relationships..? My life didn't improve until I took responsibility for what I inherited from how i was raised. When I started taking responsibility for my actions and started to heal, is when the guerilla war was quietly declared on me, and it was when I got a deeper look into what character is..

[@krittikalahiri8142]

I am in the exact same situation. I can totally relate to what is happening to you.

[@DLauer765]

"The silent treatment is always a standoff, and the narcissistic person is far better made for it than you." TRUER words were never spoken. This is it in a nutshell!

[@arenee118]

I've been no contact with my narcissist sister for two years when, out of the blue, she uses my aunt's medical issue to send me an email. I didn't respond to it, but I can see this as being a mechanism she'll use to keep contacting me. It's sad that these people just can't move on. Thank you for another great video!

[@YoungNationWorld]

Your authenticity enrages narcissists. Healing is an act of defiance. Supplying resources, attention and giving yourself as a punching bag is your half of the relationship. Using, monitoring and psychological violence is their half of the relationship. Another excellent video. Ty Dr.Ramani💐

[@karenk2409]

Wise words, friend. That is the relationship you have with these miserable people.

[@ardent9422]

My narcissistic mother did it by disrupting my opportunities when I had chances to make good money... making me move, uprooting me before things could get settled with a new job or at the end of an internship. She did everything to stop me from earning a good living, she wanted me to make just enough money that she could benefit, but not so much money that I could leave and go on my own. "It's devasting to watch family that you thought had your back, not have your back." Yup, been there, still hurting.

[@istateyourname4710]

I relate, only mine was my Father. They want you to do sort of well in life that it reflects positively on them~but, they never want you to do better than them. Sick, sick people!

[@aprildamski8365]

That is was, and still is my situation today. I understand what you are going through.

[@parallax9281]

True story..

[@truthh8597]

This is scary the slow sabotage

[@Layla-fr7mf]

That is because the narcissist wants what is best for them not for you but it looks like it’s the best for you because it’s hidden in conditional, transactional and fake love bombing type of love and performance so any person will be confused especially with family because we are conditioned that “family is everything” when it’s NOT. Only healthy loving and genuine family is everything. They hate that the success you have will also buy you freedom out of the misery they live daily because it makes them think about their own lives too. It is like escaping a mental asylum where instead of them healing like you they need you as a means of escape and comfort even when it stifles you especially with f you are the scapegoat your role in the family is to be the fake confidence boost to their sickness by mocking and bullying you for their survival like parasites. My golden child brother who turned into a narcissist has resentment because I escaped like the scapegoat I was by focusing on education as a means of my escape (growing up Muslim it was the only way to escape the madness as a girl child especially) so I had the opportunity to be in another city when I was 17 for college and again at 21 for graduate school and work opportunities for almost 7years in another country and continent best time of my life so much peace I had I had to come back home because of the pandemic and my narc mother even physically attacked me one time because I told her the truth about her behaviour (big mistake I should have just ignored her rage)while my brother made my life hell daily. They felt resentment that I missed out on the tough life they lived and chose which was revolving around court and divorce drama that my mother has been going through for almost 11 years fighting my malignant narcissist father for assets. All lawyers and courts are even tired of seeing them every year going back and forth and my brother is stuck in that mess as if it’s his own relationship without his own life and no friends or anyone except my mother who set it up that way for him. If you don’t live your own life on your own terms for your own soul your family who is toxic (not healthy) will take it from you in subtle ways including ways that are disguised as “help” but it’s really to keep you as a child that can never escape into the real world or live your own life. Take ownership of your soul and realise that you don’t owe your family anything but you owe your soul the life you chose for yourself and the happiness and peace from that.

[@astridarnold2012]

Exhausting is THE description of dealing with them

[@aprildamski8365]

I am FULLY AWARE that my Mother will right me out of her will when I become fully financially independent from her. I am not afraid at all. I keep planning and moving foward with my plans anyway. I really don't want anything from her. Thank you Dr. RAMANI for addressing this VERY IMPORTANT subject! You are soo Awesome!

[@urikorsikov843]

Every time I watch one of your videos, I feel like I'm listening to scenes of my own life being described. I had the "audacity" to move out of my mother's home with my two small children to be on my own for the first time at the age of 31. When my daughter was 11 and old enough to begin to understand the vitriol my mother was spewing about me, she was devastated and confused. I had a good friend who was staying with us at the time and he sat her and her brother down and told them that if my mother continued to say bad things about me that they were to ignore her and remember that I loved them more than anything in the world and to never forget it. Because I had raised my children with love, compassion, support, and encouragement, they were far stronger and capable than I was (my mother made sure that I was psychologically broken and would bend to her will). The next time my children were at her house and my mother tried to bad-mouth me, my daughter told her, "I don't appreciate you talking about my mother like that. I love her and you saying bad things makes me feel uncomfortable. If you talk about her like that again, you will never see us again." My child had actually used my mother's own manipulative tactics against her. I would not learn about this event until recently when I actually figured out that the mental health issues I have been dealing with for my entire life were actually trauma responses from being raised by a narcissist. When I told my kids what I had figured out about my mother, they were not surprised. That was when they relayed that story to me. Learning that my mother was a narcissist suddenly made my entire life make sense. It wasn't until I understood the truth of my life that I was able to start healing. I left my mother's house to protect my children from her and my children ended up protecting me from her.

[@melbreazeale1534]

Amen!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼

[@ellisburton8733]

Your bravery has paid dividends. You changed your own life and the life of your children. That is a great gift.

[@reesedaniel5835]

You are very blessed. My narc mother succeeded in turning my daughter against me, until I went no contact with her (my mother and family of origin). My daughter was 14 and it was nearly too late. We have a surface only relationship nowadays (she is 22). The viper got her fangs in, injected the poison and the damage was done.

[@urikorsikov843]

@@reesedaniel5835 I'm so sorry. Narcissists are masters of manipulation. I hope your daughter figures out the truth soon, both for your relationship as well as for her own sake.

[@seasidesapphic6380]

@@reesedaniel5835 I figured out my family’s lies around 25/26, at 22 she’s got plenty of time to catch on to the truth. Human brains finish developing at around 25 & having opportunities & experiences in different environments, with people, mindsets, etc is sometimes all it takes to critically think about their own life. Be there for her with unconditional love & support as she figures out the pieces to her puzzle, which I’m sure you’ll be a piece in🤍.

[@HermesNautico]

I broke free of my narcissistic family system, I feel proud of it. I know I would have never been happy in there.

[@user-rj6fp6gt3f]

the permanent estrangement is the craziest part. my mom (classic narc) left after a battle with my dad (covert) and they are both literal monsters that have lost everyone systematically because everyone is the problem/to blame. They punish with money, coldness, abandonment, and rumors. Shocking to learn about it but it does help to give it a name

[@elitetrainercynthia7394]

I was able to be strong to stand up for my child's wellbeing after I thought I had to sacrifice mine. Seeing how it affected my son is what made me get the two of us out.

[@momentsinthelight411]

I'm so happy for the two of you!

[@nicolewilson283]

Go mama bear. 🩷

[@katcoates8310]

Thank you. Finally someone saying it takes a strong person to get out. The smear campaigning was and is brutal. Love you Dr Ramani.❤️

[@surlyrabitt1253]

mind over matter You don't mind and it don't matter living well, mind, body, spirit, is the best revenge

[@janeloraine6231]

Healing is an act of defiance - I love that! You make an excellent point by saying they take time out of their day, go out of their way to spew nastiness on you just because you don't want to be tangled up with them anymore. Let it go! Move on! Thank you Dr. Ramani 🧡

[@KoolT]

Yes

[@nathaniel3867]

Truthfully my whole life I can be having a good day and out of nowhere come nasty comments about me. I’m just supposed to sit back and accept them

[@janeloraine6231]

@@nathaniel3867 I guess the point would be you don't have to accept their words as truth. But instead realize the narcissist is invested in smearing you and tearing you down with lies, manipulation, whatever it takes. To say you have to "sit back and accept them," gives them the win, gives them their coveted supply. Unless you are able to prove they are damaging your career, and want to sue them for liable, your best course would be to ignore them. It takes time. Give yourself permission to know the truth, even if you're alone in knowing it. Eventually your consistency will be proof of their lies. Hang tight.

[@AliceDiamondWisdom]

Authenticity HEALS toxic abuse, it's what'll disentangle you from their lies and influences.

[@LoveAuntAshley]

"It can be devastating to see family members that you thought had your back; not have your back." YES! You took the words right outta my mouth! The two (remaining) narcs in my life (father and sibling) tried emotionally manipulating me (pretty sure narc father still is I just can't prove it)...I learned a hard lesson those day...that sometimes family will cut you far worse than friends OR strangers! We are all taught "Stranger Danger" but there really needs to be a lesson on "Familial Danger" cause sometimes it's far worse. It's sad when you trust others that aren't family more than your own flesh and blood!

[@lorrainem8234]

Living it right now. It's probably the worst pain I've experienced.

[@natalieshilariouscritters5580]

I translate "family" as enemy

[@alansmithy7930]

I cut my narcissist parents out of my life. They may be family, but they do not give a rip about me and they could not have made it more clear. I got out of there for my own sanity and peace of mind.

[@wordswordswords8203]

Yeah, but it's better to find out. I know how painful it is. It has happened to me multiple times.

[@LoveAuntAshley]

@@wordswordswords8203 It's only better if you can get out. Otherwise it's just ongoing abuse and manipulation. Believe me, I'm currently living it.

[@liudmilaaleagaaguilera8876]

All you said is so true, and heartbreaking to experience. The mean messages, the lawyers, the silent treatment, the manipulation of the kids, the threats...they just care about money and control, they selfish, they hate loosing control and see you happy and living authentically. Amazing video Dr. Ramani. Thank you! Have a great weekend everyone💖💖💖

[@aliceroberts1980]

Yep they want to leave you with nothing even their kids they don’t care if the go hungry this was my father and now my narcissistic husband he hides money and tried to make me pay his medical bills

[@christine9467]

Yup money and control. You nailed it.

[@foxitt2266]

they want to be authentic, but they dont know how. and because they are as they are, they will try to destroy anybody who achieve something they cant. If I cant do it, NOBODY can.

[@wordswordswords8203]

These people are all incredibly selfish.

[@liudmilaaleagaaguilera8876]

@@wordswordswords8203 yes💔

[@clairesmassa]

Dr. Ramani I have been listening to you for a good while now. I don't really comment a lot but I want to say that I love the way you talk. It's so calming to me. You don't overcompensate when you speak in terms of speed, volume, pitch, content, etc. It's like you know you have our attention and you know you have something valuable to say, so it's just sort of like a relaxing flow. You are such a genuine and interesting person, and just make me feel like everything is going to be ok. Just wanted to say thank you.

[@bellasflores3834]

Totally agree. We all need to say a huge thank you to her for what she is doing to help us and encourage us and make people realize they are not imagining or going crazy. These people really do exist and they are selfish, evil and mean.

[@narcsurvivors2445]

To identify and cut myself off from toxic siblings ,friends was the biggest advancement I made as an adult . The feelings of freedom and reduction in stress are a testament to the importance and necessity of the decisions I made 🙏 Remember : to ignore a narcissist and show indifference is the 'kill shot' , they have NO defence against it , know that this is your super power against them 👊🏻

[@wordswordswords8203]

Very good. So true. My father is a narcissist. My sister has narcissistic personality disorder bordering on psychosis and my mother is a covert passive aggressive narcissist. I realize that I need to get them all out of my life asap even if it means my elderly mom winding up on the street. These people are just horrible, especially when they are in your immediate family.

[@shamaniccolonic777]

I somewhat regret cutting down my narcissist ex. I took her pathetic game & showed her I can play it better than she ever has. When empaths snap we can easily become the narcissist's narcissist. I still can't tell whether I degraded or bolstered myself in that situation. Maybe a bit of both. Negativity is poison no matter what the reason.

[@kendrickdcarter871]

💯

[@a.acquah4187]

Negativity is indeed poison! Can you imagine how it must feel once a narcissist filled with such poison everyday! Yikesss… what a horrible thing to be

[@utrnagel9441]

@@a.acquah4187 I felt what he feels? It is terrible, unbelievable, so sad! Hurt and painful my word's can't express! And there is nothing you can do!

[@nicolewilson283]

Yes. Pretty sure I said aloud" play the pathetic game better than they can" AND I DID 💗

[@OccupationalThpy]

So very true. I can totally relate to snapping and becoming the “narcissist’s narcissist.” Not my finest moments.

[@radianttiger2307]

This was my mother. I had to wait for her to die before I could be free. She made a big deal about having her will read, and big surprise, she cut my children out of the will 'for reasons which are well known to them'. Their crime? Born of mixed racial heritage. I shamed her forever by choosing to love who I loved, and because he was different than me, I brought unmentionable shame that destroyed her, her reputation,and the family forever, and it was all my fault for doing that. She made sure to let them know she hated them, and reminded me frequently of how disgusting and worthless they were to her. I was so relieved and happy when she died. Still not feeling guilty about it.

[@ebonylo.]

Did you go to her funeral? My mother for some reason thinks that I will not go to hers, guilty conscience I guess.

[@juliabohemian]

As a neurodivergent person there has always been some part of me that is painfully authentic -in the sense that I just can't force myself to play along with other people's delusions and am very sensitive to being gaslighted in any regard. I would be the one who would say “but that’s not what happened” or “I never said that” or “that doesn’t sound right to me”. There was a part of me that could always see through the façade, or that felt the need to question anything that seemed suspicious. And I felt like that somehow made it worse for me. Of the 4 children in my family, my mother directed the bulk of her rage at me. Because I saw through her bullshit, I planned my escape and broke away from her at a young age. There was very little she could hold over me. Thus, she devoted more effort to withholding approval, maligning my character, and turning my siblings against me. Her final attempt to hoover me back in occurred during my divorce. When she was rebuffed, she tried to get revenge by writing a letter to my ex’s attorney in support of my ex (who she never liked) getting custody of our children (who she barely knew). I never spoke to her again. She died about 6 years later. Being married to my ex meant also being married to his mom. They were a 2 for 1 narc package deal. The impression I always got from them was that I was this defiant agitator who just couldn’t get with the program. I didn’t know my place, which was apparently to bring in lots of money (but never draw attention to my contributions, especially if they were greater than my husband’s), provide all the childcare, do all the housework, maintain the bills, and never ask anything of my spouse. He was supposed to go to his job and come home and play video games or watch sports. Meanwhile, I wasn’t supposed to have any goals or aspirations that might distract me from being what they thought a wife or mom should be. I wasn’t supposed to do anything to assert my own identity or uniqueness. And because of my inherent authenticity, I was never able to drink the proverbial Kool-aid. I'm certain that my authenticity was the main catalyst for my divorce, as well as the smear campaign ex MIL (which was mostly directed at my own kids). But now I am committed to my authenticity. It’s not just this thing that lingers in the shadows. I trust my own judgment and my perception. And I find that when I encounter narcissists now, they are just appalled that I refuse to play along with their charade. They are used to being able to manipulate others or talk their way out of things. They are used to being in control (or at least giving themselves the illusion of control) They are used to being able to offer fake apologies and have them accepted without question. Should there be any doubt that the person with whom I am interacting is in fact a narcissist, their rage always gives them away.

[@melissal4363]

Good morning, just read your story and want to thank you for sharing. My 12y.o. step daughter is YOU🥰 I have a history of NPDs attracted to my empath light. I know its her neurodivergence (read: no b.s., authentic) that threatens her Mom. She moved in a few months ago and I feel like she is safe now. My one job is to ensure her a safe, loving home always. Bless you on your journey and thank you for the hope. 🙏🤗

[@ursalaoutrageous9249]

I should say! I had a friend who did not like several things about me that she was determined to change even if she had to recruit flying monkeys. She interrogated me often to determine if I was compliant, asking intrusive questions and becoming criticizing me if I did not give answers that satisfied her. Finally, I let her know that I had spent most of my life acquiescing to the wishes of others and allowing myself to be bossed by anyone who decided to take authority, whether they had the right or not. While I am honored to serve under the authority of my bosses, who are genuinely good and decent men, and I am a law-abiding person, I am not going to bow to the authority of a peer who deems herself wiser and therefor, my authority. No way. Been there, done that. 72 years is dang time long enough to put up with that.

[@FollowYourLife]

The qualities and traits that were attractive to a narcissistic partner in the beginning are the same that enrage them down the road. And that's such a paradox to notice this sort of inconsistency. It can definitely drive one crazy.

[@venuskavouras7443]

I view narcissists as evil, even needing a form of exorcism. I also view flying monkeys as demons. All can be extremely deceiving to the target of abuse.Especially if you are a child.I also know there are kind souls out there who are wonderful! I am grateful for these peeps in life. Thank you for the informative videos. It validates the inner child, letting me know the abuse was not my fault. How an 8 yr old can be a scapegoat is beyond me.I view all of it as evil. Thank you for sharing. May the power of healing prevail for all in need !

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

They are very spiteful and malicious for no reason. Anything can set them off. Even them seeing you take care of yourself sets them off. I believe there has to be a spiritual component to it.

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

Very true! Omg.

[@IndianOutlaw1870]

These people are indeed under the control of demons. There is a guy named Nelson Schuman on KZbin who addresses the spiritual component of narcissism.

[@blanketeyblank5309]

Happy healing !! You deserve it. 😊

[@jamesrutter4100]

Child predators ALWAYS target really young kids, to groom them to NOT speak up and expose the predator. #ALWAYS EXPOSE THEM

[@beans9019]

As a young child you learn to rely on yourself. Its either complete enmeshment to sacrifice your individuality or completely relying on yourself and knowing you’re gonna end up walking this earth alone. Edit: wow you literally said this before I got to the point in the video !!

[@wordswordswords8203]

So so sad and so so true. Thank you.

[@cherriegreen7447]

I finally put the last piece of the puzzle and I am 59, attractive, strong, stick up for myself. Could not connect it all until 1 month ago that why wouldn’t I go out with a narcissist. My mother and my twin sister groomed me to only count on myself. My sister hurt me more than anyone. It took me 10 to 15 years to get over her constant, bullying, Betrayal’s since I was a small child. I just ended a 41/2 relationship to another narcissist. The gift is I never connected my sister and mom. I begged my sister for years to love me. Ridiculous you do not have to beg anyone to love you. I don’t believe in revenge. In deference is the KEY. I wish I could right a book it would be sad, funny, interesting, defiant, self help and struggles most of all I still have empathy and remorse because that’s who I am.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@cherriegreen7447 I believe in vengeance, which belongs to God. They will get what's coming to them.. I can assure you.

[@user-xt4jo7hj1s]

So..what baffles me forever is this: these creatures mentally disturbed can really destroy kind, good, empathic people without being able to do anything to stop them forever..this is hard to accept. I speak as a survivor of narcissism abuse for 5, 5 years from a female manager...completely destroyed my life...I changed 3 job/companies . Online, offline harrassmanent, flying monekys many many ones..family, friends.I could not grow in any domain since 2017. This is crazy and mindblowing...I did not know something like this exists. And people think they are normal people!

[@Ihavemadeit999]

I just fixed myself after having a mental breakdown after realizing some of their behaviours ( grieving is a part of healing) and this came in perfect timing.thank u

[@Stardusted1]

Funny how it goes eh? Lots and lots will start coming now that you’re at this point. Keep reading, it’s a lifetime healing.

[@Ihavemadeit999]

@@Stardusted1 So funny bc during my breakdowns i have been feeling like theres nothing more to this and this is such a long lonely journey, thank you for your encouraging and confirming words very sweet of you. I hope nothing but the best for you too friend.

[@unsolicitedadvice2800]

"Healing is an act of defiance." LOVE THIS!

[@caleuxx9108]

For me: The choices seem much less complex when illness strikes - mental illness or autoimmune illness (including burn out) and you learn that the chronic stress is not due to work but due to chronic aggression from narcissistic individuals and their flying monkeys, who frequently demand your time and your resources while wasting and/or missmanaging their own. Its either your life litterally or their demands. I personally have come to believe that geographical boundries are an imporant part of finding peace and calm and getting out of the influence of the realm of the nacissist, but many times people are middle aged adults or older, so moving away and starting a new life elsewhere may not really be an option. I just saw the film "Ever After" (its a Cinderalla story) and it shows narcissism very very well.

[@artandculture5262]

They have autoimmune, psych meds, blood pressure meds. Not me. They have rage. What an awful thing to live with.

[@cb9825]

You know what, I realised that during my first pregnancy I didn't have "pregnancy hormones mood swings". It was my own mother who made the mood swings happen. Now that I am pregnant again, live far away and don't talk to her often, I am totally calm.

[@caleuxx9108]

@@cb9825 - Happy for you.

[@andreahapgood400]

"Healing is an act of defiance" YES thank you - TRUTH.

[@ChristopherandAllyWarf]

My husband came from a narcissistic family. His mother is a very narcissistic covert narcissist. When we were dating his mother decided she hated me after meeting me like maybe 2 times. At the time I just didn't get it because I was a straight A college honor student, didn't get into trouble, ect. My husband lost everything, money for college, the whole family, getting out of that situation. He ended up joining the military to get out from under the control of his mother. She literally went through Navy locater, which is for locating someone in the military if they are lost, to get angry letters to my husband. We got hate mail everyday for 5 years even though she didn't have our address. Everyday getting one those letters was so painful, we stopped reading them, but I did hold onto them unopened in case I needed to try and prove harassment. It was insult to injury when my husband got reprimanded in the military for not speaking with his mother and wasting resources by letting her write Navy locater all the time. I thought we should just keep ignoring her because I felt doing anything would spark some legal battle or something I didn't want. It took over 5 years for that to stop. He lost everything, but it was worth it for the sanity. Thanks for channel, its validated a lot the things I felt but didn't not have words for.

[@karenk2409]

You need a restraining order. That would shut everyone up.

[@WeartheGoodSocks]

I can't believe the Navy would reprimand him for that and meddle in private family affairs. Horrible! Adults have the right to disappear. They should've told her he doesn't want to be in contact, then blacklist her so they stop forwarding her letters. The solution could've been so quick and simple, why do beaurocrats make it so hard!

[@chrysalis72]

If you've been bullied your whole life then understanding this is imperative to surviving society. I seem to attract female narcs like flies

[@revolutionunderground]

Even at work they might try to zero in on you, apart from your coworkers, get your personal number, etc!

[@chrysalis72]

@@revolutionunderground god, I know..then they make a nice triangle and make sure you have a problem with the other person.

[@VictoriaWonders]

I can't believe my own dad did this to me when I finally healed from my psychosis and started to feel better from the stress they put me through all my life. It is shaming me, punnishing me, belittling me. The literally tell me what we can 't control you start to hate. I can' t believe this. I am the sweetest person. Truth is, I make now more money than they can ever give me, and honstly good riddance!

[@annbritanilsson]

" the healthier person breaks" Good point.

[@tellmeaboutyourgame314]

Your quip about emails really hit home. When i broke things off with my mother i gave her an email where she could reach me, because i knew if she didn't think she had an avenue to hit me with her vitriol she would resort to more and more extreme measures to get at me. I registered the email and never logged into it again.

[@BSmall-yr4qx]

Such a brilliant move! 👏

[@tellmeaboutyourgame314]

@@BSmall-yr4qx thanks. It's worked so far. I imagine I've been relegated to an evil myth to be talked about in hushed tones or to be used as an example of failure in her household by now. I don't think she'll bother me anymore. But you never know i guess

[@cb9825]

Damn, my mother knows my real emal! I never thought of creating a decoy email for her 🤣🤣🤣it's a great idea.

[@corinneblair8795]

This statement hit home… exactly expresses what I feel. The battle is so real - “Devasting to see family members who you thought had your back not have your back. When the army of flying monkeys comes at you, the punishment quickly turns to grief for you - when you recognize that the bargain is you either have to give-up on yourself, and forever be a pawn in the narcissistic persons life, or break- free and potentially loose everyone. These feel like impossible choices.”

[@surayalalloo8667]

Yes especially difficult and sad when the relationship with your 3 adult children is at stake- as in my case The narc husband is happily going on with his manipulation and triangulation, while maintaining a “ poor me “ victim facade It is heartbreaking, to say the least.

[@JohnKotch]

There is an old saying that I think has some relevance. "You can't lose what you never had." True friends and love never desert you.

[@SteeleMagnolia]

@@surayalalloo8667 Exact same situation for me, with the ex narc turning two of our three sons against me. I basically raised our sons to be the independent young men that they are, with lots of love and proper guidance. Their father wallows in his pathetic existence, as a womanizer, gambler, alcoholic, and more recently kicked to the curb by his last fling. He's a pathetic excuse as a former marine, with my own divorce attorney saying as much. The smear campaign and lies he had to conjure up, to alienate two of our sons from me, has been as close to death as I have ever experienced. There is nothing in my past that he could use against me, so whatever he has convinced our sons of, about me, would have to be something close to a natural disaster, for them to buy into it. The evil in this man has no boundaries.

[@nathanielcampos4152]

Not exactly impossible for me. But definitely unfortunate I'll admit. But also definitely worth the peace of mind and growth.

[@maryharvey8293]

This statement hit me to Corinne, It is devistating and hard. But right now, I figure that if people stand up and leave the table then just let them go, and start building a new table for new people. It will take time, lots of time, but the chairs will be full of people who we choose to be with.

[@clairelane3642]

Good episode! Also great podcasts! Am painting the bathroom listening to them! Very educational. I have ended two friendships in the past year and find my mental health subtly improving. These women were not extreme narcs but selfish and uninterested in me, no curiosity whatsoever in my life. Both friendships very one-sided. Much happier friendless than in a one-way, non-reciprocal relationship being used as a sounding board. These friends' narcissism is mild compared to my father and my abusive boyfriend, but they chipped away at my mental health. Thanks to Dr. Ramani I'm cutting bait faster and faster rather than hanging around poison and being a "loyal friend." Too bad I had to reach my 70's before learning these hard lessons! No Dr. Ramani KZbins in the 70's, 80's, 90's or early 2000's. You had to wing it with these creeps. “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” ― William Gibson

[@annikaandersson2786]

They can also punish you if you become sick and all of a sudden cant give them the supply they want. They seem to be ashamed of you instead.

[@jl4091]

Hey Dr. R. Thank's for all you have done for me.After 5 long years i've realized that i'm done learning about narcs.I am indifferent to them now.I'm going to enjoy the rest of my life without ever thinking of them again.Thank you and god bless you.

[@Andromeda_M31]

Being nice to them enrages them. They will rage if you tell them to be authentic.

[@monicarai1497]

That's what my mom did to me growing up. She would continually punish me by not speaking to me for weeks just to "teach me a lesson"

[@bwcarter921]

So unsettling when you hear on this channel what you've been seeing and experiencing for years. Thank God I know Jesus and thank you Dr. Ramani🙏🏾

[@wanna_be_racer]

My now ex-wife emptied the joint bank account of $110,000 a day prior to my dads funeral. I’ve asked for her to show calculations and rationale behind her actions however she just ignores like she hasn’t done anything wrong. My dad died and she gave me no support. She kept asking about her own support because I was spending time with my mom and sister. She also kicked me out the house on the day of my dads funeral. She was just so calculated in every move she made. Your channel has helped me a bit thanks. Definitely seeing a psychologist trying to work on myself and heal from it all.

[@yvonnes7412]

Wow that’s crazy. I’m sorry. I guess it makes sense for a narcissist 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️. So horrible!!! I also experienced calculated actions from my ex-husband… but I didn’t have money for him to steal lol.

[@wanna_be_racer]

@@yvonnes7412 sorry you had to go through it also. All lessons learnt!

[@nathantonge3785]

That is absolute insanity. I wish you the best

[@Purpleiciousbabe]

😢😮

[@iluvmusic1710]

I’m sorry you went through that, but she is no loss. That’s a lot of money, I hope you can retrieve some of it but if you don’t whatever the cost to get rid of her it was worth every penny. Just don’t let her hover you back to her, YOU’RE FREE.

[@manapeace]

I had to go no-contact with my narc mom because any attempts at boundary setting as an adult was met by hysterical fits of blame/guilt/shame attacks. (I was the family scapegoat but in adulthood grew into the “escape-goat” that got away.) Individuation during childhood development is such an important topic yet I’m not finding much info on this topic. Have you any favorite books or videos on breaking free of enmeshment?

[@etcha]

Jerry Wise Relationship Systems on here has a lot of videos about breaking free from enmeshment

[@kaworunagisa4009]

I'm going to steal “escape-goat”, I love the term 😂

[@laurenceboischot4265]

@@kaworunagisa4009 me too! I literally escaped to a different country. 😄

[@debbratucker3727]

I'm 58 and just went through it 2 months ago and I feel like a new person!💖

[@thereisnoninadria]

I’m now the escape goat too! 27 months and counting.

[@sb-ex6qy]

True. Narcissists women friends especially Don't like their friends in their circle own authenticity.

[@alphathe4760]

I thank mine for my strengths and the ability to see these individuals a mile away. I don’t give a rats behind about these types of folks and the insane crap they pull, they ALL get the same reaction - NONE - you don’t exist to me!

[@addy1409]

"Healing is an act of defiance when it comes to narcissistic abuse." So true! THANK YOU, again, Dr. Ramani, for stating so eloquently something that I felt but never quite voiced. I see now how my ex punished me over and over and over (with money, by withholding love, etc.) for learning, growing, upskilling...just for simply being me. It's an outrage, but there's really nothing that can be done about it now (which is also an outrage!) except try to stay in No Contact mode and work on radical acceptance. I'm really feeling the sting of injustice here (again.) All that they take from us... It's just SO unfair...

[@2okaycola]

Protect yourself against all attacks no matter what

[@brianna094]

You're better off without them. You'll find someone who loves and adores you for you, and you won't feel the need to change in order for them to love you. 🌻

[@addy1409]

@@2okaycola Thank you for the reminder to stand strong!💪

[@addy1409]

@@brianna094 Your encouraging words are so appreciated. Thank you! 🙏🏼

[@surayalalloo8667]

The injustice of it all …..

[@lizwes7438]

YEP. Oldest truth teller of five here- the money thing was dead on. My parents changed the ownership of the savings bonds my grandfather had set aside for me (for college or buying a house) when I left home. It's ludicrous how these narc parents claim to love their children but play petty power games with them like their own kids are nothing but pawns.

[@surayalalloo8667]

Yes we are just pawns

[@leanne123]

My parents stole my education and first mortgage money too. Kinda hard to believe they love you after that. My rage held me in pain for years. They basically stole a successful life from me. No education, no good job. No ability to buy a house or have a good life. 😢

[@zionsgirl6456]

Just told a friend that I'm a genuinely happy person and my family and others are offended by that... I'm just being me & they can't break me ✊🏾🧐👌🏽

[@JohnSmith-bm6zg]

Self confidence disgusts them

[@AlbertManiscalco]

My father couldn’t handle that I didn’t want to follow in his footsteps and shit on any goal I ever had for myself. He actively sabotaged me in numerous ways. He didn’t want me to surpass him and he was willing to make sure it would never happen. I used to look up to him and think he was just stern and wanted the best for me, it took me until middle adulthood to realize he never had my interests at heart. I rationalized his behavior as just misguided, I never realized it was about protecting his own ego until much later. He succeeded in destroying me and I don’t know if I will ever recover from the damage he did.

[@aprildamski8365]

All of this is what I dealt with with my father growing up. I left my father when he tried to strangle me when I was 14. I knew if I went back I would end up dead. I struggled with this stuff for years, however I ultimately found I did the right thing becoming my authentic self. Thank you so much Dr. RAMANI. I wish I had you back then. But better late than never right? 😆

[@angecynthia347]

Loveee your way

[@maevebutler4641]

What a monstrous thing to do to a child, sounds like a horrendous experience for you to have had Please stay away from that monster, & try to heal yourself with the help of a therapist 🙏

[@lulumoon6942]

Similar background here. I'm so sorry you lived through that, but happy you came out the other side and shining! Best to you. 🙏❤️

[@fashionandluxury101]

So sorry sweetie 💕

[@KRKimbler]

Lawyer here...I don't doubt that narcissists use the legal process this way, but we do get to choose our clients and cases. I don't put up with that bs in my office. Narcissists make high maintenance clients, which I don't have time for. Not that I always get clients who tell me the absolute truth and am always on the just side of a case, but I do have an ethical obligation not to file frivolous lawsuits. Although I've learned to draw good boundaries in my professional life, my personal life is a work in progress. I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse, most significantly that I know of in romantic relationships. Love your videos and insights, Dr. Ramani.

[@lillumination5388]

This is exactly what they are going after - your strong identity that your values of quality are built on. Through boycotting you, belitttling, controlling, plugging you up, damaging your self esteem, your self worth... and once you manage to escape this destruction and rebuild yourself, shining in your inner and out beauty, this is what exactly will damage him for the rest of his existence. This is what happened to me, and the vampire ended up in a psychiatric ward as a result.

[@daniellee4188]

This is a really interesting insight. Every time she lied to me I would combat it with honesty. My goal wasn't to spite her, but rather to show her by example that being honest is a viable and relaxing way to live life. I wanted her to see how much easier it is, and hopefully grow out of it. I didn't know what narcissism was at the time, and looking back it's saddening that after all I sought to learn from her, she never learned anything from me. Even in her brutal discard text, I responded with compassion because a fight would've made her happy.

[@margaretkimball1562]

Dr. Ramani, you are so amazing and a great comfort to me! Please do a presentation on Parental Alienation and Narcissistic Estranged children/parent dynamic! Many broken hearted Moms and Dads, most have no idea what could have been so bad to destroy us! I'm OK, it took years to see my estranged daughter would never ever be satisfied and will always emotionally blackmail me and watch me grovel!. I lost my only granddaughter, but found myself! It's so helpful to get there, and know it's the time to put a stop to it and save myself. Dr. Phil once declared to a Mom; "...you have to figure out WHY you are taking this, what's wrong about you???" My moment came a bit later when my granddaughter was threatened against me the first time. DONE. My daughter turned into her step-mother and I don't like her. Shocking and painful but serious and necessary to look outside yourself and see a child abuse their parents over just nothing! I pray other parents can feel the Peace of acceptance of the nightmare, and put it in a little box on a shelf in your bedroom closet. Please, pray for me and each other, no parent deserves this erosion of your heart.

[@laurelbarlow5733]

My late stepfather was against my self improvement and personal development.

[@AnnAndNala]

Thank you for addressing this toxic dynamic. I chose to kindly but firmly set my boundaries, and finally live my life on my terms (from my toxic narc mom/sister duo.) They are huge into the "smear-campaign" tactic with my moms side of a very large catholic family of relatives. So that means I've had to completely cut that entire family off, which basically meant zero family for me, and lots of gossip. I've gone no-contact with the entire, huge family of relatives because I'm not going to waste one more precious second of my life trying to defend myself from the horrible gossip from my narc "mom" every time I see one of them, ...I'm done with that. The grieving has been quite a journey, but I'm not willing to "sell my soul" just to keep fake appearances when it's not really "family" at all, ...it was hell. My journey has been a tough one, but I know it's worth it in spades. It's been about 4 years now since going no-contact, and while the road has been tough, I get stronger every day. I can now say that I am starting to see the light and finally for the first time in my life (mid 50's) feel authentically safe, secure, free and happy. 🕊🙏🦋🌞

[@MLTDPT]

My story is very similar. I’m very proud of you. It’s not easy.

[@S_Ming407]

Well done!

[@sundeecathey1748]

I have the same story mom/sister duo. Stay the course. It’s not easy but I would make the same choice over again.

[@carolyntu367]

I have a narc sibling who flat out points out every flaw that I have and character me as incapable and useless person. What’s also extremely painful is that I personally avoid confrontation with this narc sibling who’s nothing but a drama queen and entitled and privileged her entire life. I honestly get bullied, harassed, shamed, humiliated & get treated as a damn child when I can do things independently myself. OMG this narc sibling expects a thank you and truthfully speaking I never ask or request much of anything from this narc sibling. I have to work very hard for everything accomplished. This narc sibling is cold hearted & lack of empathy. I have a narc mother who texts me these extremely rude and insensitive comments. It’s appalling and disgusting texts i received and it’s also makes me disappointed and grossed out. The shear lack of humanity for others.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@sundeecathey1748 Same story here except a mother/golden brother duo (aka mother and son-husband).

[@hope5443]

Exactly my life with my mother. Been no contact for two months. Finally learned I'm not bad after 54 years of self hate, strategically implanted in me by her. It feels great to not hate myself. I hope my new self acceptance can show my children, who visit her but don't visit or help me, even though I'm 54 and care for my 17 year old non verbal autistic son by myself, that I do love them and I'm not bad. But, I'm now worried about the coming ramifications for being free and happy. Ridiculous

[@surlyrabitt1253]

My mom also - took her pushing to the point I wanted to die and hate God God won I'm now 59 and nothing is wrong and it IS a challenge to choose to be ok.

[@mommalion7028]

Sending love to you

[@hope5443]

@@surlyrabitt1253 thank you for responding 🙏❤...God always wins. I'm so glad you were chosen out of the destructive grip of narcissism. It is the very spirit of Satan.

[@hope5443]

@@mommalion7028 ❤🙏

[@surlyrabitt1253]

@@hope5443 I agree completely ty