Together for a year, an amazing relationship, planning and organising a house for next year, going through the doctors to get checked up as we were going to try for a child together next year. She even wanted to take my cat a few days before as we were starting to spend more time at her home. Honestly things were great….granted we’d had a couple of small disagreements, I didn’t realise but now I see she was pushing me away then pulling me back soon after. Now I see it was avoidant behaviour. After our small disagreement we said we’d have a few days apart just to get some rest, and we both had things to get sorted at home and work. I reached out after the small break to find I was blocked from everywhere, to say I was shocked is an understatement. I received a one sentence email, a bloody email ! a couple of days later saying ‘ I don’t want to be with you and I don’t want to talk about it ‘ not for one minute do I believe she didn’t love me, we were both very happy. Needless to say I tried a lot to find out what was going on but obviously I’m blocked…it’s blown my mind. The fact that there’s nothing from her what so ever, and I have no answers. This was 8 weeks ago and I’m still in limbo, it feels like yesterday that I was with her. I guess I’ll never know why !?

I am mad at myself because I get really sad over this person and our time together, even though my brain knows he has crazy intimacy issues and other stuff that concerned me... I think a lot about him and this makes me aggressive towards myself. And I love myself, god damn it! (Unlike him, he didnt love himself) Its amazing how the end justifies the means with these people, you're only able to see their traumas and incapabilities by analyzing the way they broke up with you with shitty lies and immature excuses the big picture being they were obviously in love with you. I think they shut down the moment they realize they see you as a source of their happiness, but since they have fear of abandonment and rejection, they run away after a slight conflict. (Or before one ever ocurred, to be able to ditch you first before you have ditched them). They have issues and we on the receiving end are healthy individuals who at least can navigate both our brains and hearts, unlike them. The saddest part for me is the unique, intense and amazingly passionate love we had that was wasted. Love should thrive, not fall a victim of unfortunes...

You are simply the best! This video and it's content is so timely and on point. Thank you.

Im 4 weeks post break up. So parallel to my experience..but a hetrosexual relationship. Im still iin shock and dis belief cos he was so big on loyalty and honesty. In my experience..its teetering on psychopathy ?

Thank you Ken! I feel you have such a balanced view on these situations. I have been mindful of everything since my breakup...balancing my own well being and sanity whole respecting my ex and his needs. A year NC as we both agreed it wasn't good to talk post breakup. I still love him and recently reached out to reconnect. He responded quickly and was polite, sharing his year with me...but he didn't facilitate the conversation...with statements like I hope your year went well....rather than how was your year. I am torn between finally letting it go, which I can do, but I really want to to leave no stone unturned before I fully move on. It is fully considered and I have support of my friends. I have worked on my attatchment too for thevpast year. How do you assess if your avoidant ex is being cautious and is scared vs not interested in a connection and just responding to people please/be polite?

I think it's pretty obvious they guy is an Escort

You’re amazing.. thank you ❤

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I really wonder now if my ex was FA or DA. Or DA leaning FA. Who knows. 2 years boomerang. He came back multiple times. HE talked of living together and marriage. Threatened me w suicide once. But sabotaged multiple times. Gave DA excuses. "I can't be what you deserve" blah blah blah. I had a few moments of weakness w poor behavior. Played detective for a minute. I'm still honestly pissed about all of it. You try and try because you chase who they pretended to be. You think I can get this back to "normal". No you can't. It's a fools errand to chase these idiots.

Thank you, Ken!!! Xxx Lots of compassion! I’m not mad!!!

The part about blocking…absolutely right on point. Everything you say in this clip is exactly what I’m dealing with…dumped, blocked, then pops up again with suggestive texts, as if nothing happened. Happens every few days, over and over and over for four years.

This is validating, I thought I was going crazy acting out of character to the point I didn't recognize myself anymore until I came to my senses and blocked him, moved away and taking care of myself and my wounds ❤

Kindly do a video on BLOCKING the avoidant. I think THAT should be normalized. Blocking and letting go

Totally agree, take the action as long as it is not harmful to either party. Then step back and feel how that went. I was following my past partner's lead, meaning act like she doesn't exist. Left me feeling immature and regretful. Now when I see her I wave and like at the gas station two pumps away I spoke to her. I don't put any expectation on my actions other than I feel better about myself. No regret or feeling like I'm being immature. Bottom line I have begun not bending who I am to conform to what I think she wants.

This is so validating. I have been a moderately crazy ex for the past 6 weeks and behaved in ways I'm not proud of. It's been 7 days now, no contact and regaining my dignity... and not blaming and shaming myself. My 'crazy' is a response to some very shitty behaviour I definitely didn't deserve. I really sat with some pain and heavy sadness & didn't know if I could let go. But I have. It was actually my second cycle of giving it another go and being discarded. So it's been a little easier this second time. I know it's different for everyone. But it is possible to start healing. Thanks Ken, your videos helped so much x

So happy to see a video that speaks to this. I had a "moment" may share on your video 😉. It took me 2 years to detox from such an experience. I always say that these people are the disease and you have the symptoms. 2 freaking years of my life to get the closure after "crazy ex" experience I had. Have compassion for yourselves because its really them and not you!

how to identify them within 5 dates??

„yeah - but I don’t like Mercury in my throat“ 😆👌🏽 gosh I love your personality Ken - besides you make my healing journey so much lighter with your content. I can‘t thank you enough for what you are providing to us broken hearts out there. Love from Austria! you da best 🤌🏼😌

Amy hit the nail on the head. Avoidants or as I label them Toxics either knowingly or not knowingly go into connecting with someone because they are equipped and always ready to end it. That has to make you take a pause and realize you are playing in an unwinnable game of commitment with these people.

I'm a lesbian who doesn't date masculine-presenting women. I don't see that as an insecurity looking at myself. I'm just not attracted to masc women. Why would you want to date someone you have no attraction to? I do kinda see what you're saying. I go out of my comfort zone and give bi women a chance. It's hard for me to do that because sometimes I give judgment to all bi woman because of getting burned in the past. Dating thinking we're growing a relationship and I was just being used or leading me on while they're just looking for a man, breaking up with me for a man and then saying, "They were just confused." Maybe that's what you're trying to say about not ruleing out everybody for the handful of bad apples. But sexuality and attraction are totally different. Am I reading into this too much?

Amy makes a really great point about entering relationships with a sense of 'this will end'. This is why an awful lot of people on the receiving end of avoidants wonder if they actually meant anything to the avoidant.

I mean... I dunno humor is a big thing... and if there are many people in the world, and that's something they know to have experienced and love... then i do understand. It doesn't make up for any other crap rude cruel timewasting behaviour. Im sure they liked/loved your for other qualities. Still avoidant, but I do get that part - even if they are laughing. They probably know they've experienced what they want to find again and prioritise.

Amazing,thank you guys ❤ brilliant content.

Ken and Amy, This letter and , more specifically, your comments and insights have filled in many of the blanks as to the “why” of the blindsiding break up with my DA boyfriend. We had a 3.5 year relationship . Like Julie in this letter, I knew nothing about attachment theory, but now know I’m somewhat anxiously attached and am in therapy for healing in this area. I appreciate everything I’ve gleaned so far and I realize I have much work to do to gain a secure stance in attachment. I like what you said about self awareness being only step one in a process of change. I visualized someone treading water if they are stuck with only self awareness. They’re getting nowhere, will eventually be exhausted and go under.

This was such great episode! Thank you to the writer for sharing your experience as it was very relatable, and thank you, Ken and Amy, for your insights. Absolutely love Ken and Amy as a duo. This was one of my favorites.

‘Emotional adolescence’ 🙌

Ken and Amy, This letter and , more specifically, your comments and insights have filled in many of the blanks as to the “why” of the blindsiding break up with my DA boyfriend. We had a 3.5 year relationship . Like Julie in this letter, I knew nothing about attachment theory, but now know I’m somewhat anxiously attached and am in therapy for healing in this area. I appreciate everything I’ve gleaned so far and I realize I have much work to do to gain a secure stance in attachment. I like what you said about self awareness being only step one in a process of change. I visualized someone treading water if they are stuck with only self awareness. They’re getting nowhere, will eventually be exhausted and go under.

The hair comment ☠️☠️☠️☠️my ex met me as blonde(dyed) really wanted a blonde. Anytime i did my hair Id ask what color and hed say any color. Yet on his phone he only ever kept the pic of me with blonde hair when we first met. I only realized this dislike after divorce.

i thought we had a great date we planned the next date then boom a text on how i am not the man she expected me to be then blocked

With every letter reading I’m gaining more and more insights into my own experiences with avoidants, thanks Ken and Amy!

really really good discussion. I've been watching and following Ken's channel for a while since my avoidant discard 2 years ago after a blazing 3 month relationship. It's been the most painful experience and seems like it will affect me for a very long time. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I just wish I could shake this somehow. I know it will subside in time. Thanks Ken and Amy for helping.

KZbin hates free speech

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Susan, you are my role model now! 💪😍 The way you did not take any bullshit und reinforced your boundaries is inspiring - good for you! That's what I want to learn, too! 🙏 Great Talk, Megan and Ken! Thank you for sharing your work with all of us! ❤️

Thank you for acknowledging other factors

Ken could you please do a longer video on arrested development in DAs. I suspect this was the case with my ex, he had to take on many responsibilities as a child, then as an adult he seems to be running from responsibilities, including setting boundaries for the kids and being accountable in our relationship. Thanks, love your content.

grief and terror debilitate and paralyze me. I desperately despair for true love, I long for it so deeply, I suppress it so much, I could literally faint from the desire... I can no longer bear the darkness that is my life. I am trapped in hell; I cannot find escape. my soul is raped.

Excellent points,Ken. I know as an anxious attacher. I read some of the traits and characteristics that I should have and I don’t think that I have them. I’ve read quite a bit about about attachment from a clinical perspective and I do think that there’s other influences and other issues that shape our lives. Relationships are just so complex and if you look at them from a systemic point of view, then some people are going to thrive in some context, and others are not depending upon the context and the person. So I really glad that you mentioned this and it’s something I want to continue to keep in mind as I work with my own attachment issues and I work with others in a clinical setting. ❤

Ken you are the best, thank you!

I had to pause at 30:09 just to prepare myself for the destruction ken was going to ensue

The rape of my soul is ceaseless and impossible to run from, it goes with me everywhere. I am trapped in hell. NO ESCAPE!! Aching and dying for Bryan and the illusions he provided. I could weep and wail forever and ever for how much I ache for him, and miss the fantasy we shared.

5. Rage and grief debilitate me. It's impossible that this hell is actually my life. My only desire is to die. 6. I am paralyzed by terror and loneliness and trauma and longing. The emotional pain so intense and the darkness so all-encompassing, I feel I'm being buried alive! 7. Desperate for escape from the pain of the reality of my life. On every level in every way, I am raped. I don't stop sobbing.

Very good talk you guys!

You cannot love somebody into changing => if they don't love, know and accept themselves they it is unlikely they will be able to hold your love.

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omg the fact that they don't remember things in the past OMG, that's so true

What a mind f**k he couldnt be that bad if you message him memes

I've seen avoidant people say they weren't a good fit for someone because they liked completely different genres of movies. Insignificant things. There is no such thing as an impossible situation for insecure attachments to ruin relationships.

The more I learn about the avoidant attachment style, the better I feel about going through personal development, healing my anxious attachment style and walking away from our toxic relationship with my avoidant ex. She (the non triggered persona) is wonderful. However detoxing from that constant challenge to my self confidence, emotional roller coaster feels so liberating. I feel like I have put 20kg weights off of my chest

Coming back a lot is a narcissist thing. Dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants shut down much more. Especially DAs, you have to contact the DA again if you ever want to talk after the breakup.