Since being dumped abruptly by my, what I know now is a DA, ex. (I've watched so many videos and have learnt heaps).... It all makes sense.....or rather is doesn't! I recall she said to me in happier times, "I can't believe you like me". At the time I didn't think anything of it apart from, "Bloody Hell! No ones ever said that to me before... Cool! But thinking now, could she have ridiculously thought she was punching above her weight? Could this have been the beginning of her freaking out and fearing abandonment? This coupled with her best friend passing away and her obvious grief and stress, could this have been the beginning of the end? I'm done feeling sorry for me, I feel sorry for her....and if this IS the case, its bloody tragic! I just wish she'd have communicated. But I suppose the clue is in the title...DISMISSIVE and AVOID.

So sad...and there's nothing I can do about it. If there was, I'd do it! I just wish my DA told me how she was feeling. I'd never have abandoned her, I'd have worked with her. Made her feel safe. Now she wants nothing to do with me 😢

Why do they get married if TJNIY?

MAN, It's so hard being an avoidant and but also being aware of the crazy patterns I act, you'd think this isn't really logical right?

If a man he won't fight for his woman ， I think this is the most heartbreaking problem

Thank you Ken ❤ and get well soon

Wishing you better health Ken x

They know they don't want to get close to people so why don't they just stay away from them instead of damaging them.

LOL ... Spot on! His exact words and thoughts🙄😄

That’s for putting out these videos. You are my favorite to listen to on attachment theory. Please do a video on the secure that gets involved with the avoidant. Can the avoidant move more towards secure in the context of this kind of scenario? Keep up the informative amazing videos.

Feel better ❤

Omg the blocking part is sooo true 😂😂😂😂😂 Blocks you slowly. Is Hilarious 8:44

Fear is a legitimate control tactic in nature. All living things use it if they can. A fearful person is not in control of themselves, they don’t “get” life. It’s an adventure everyday. Whether you think everyone’s out to get you or you need to spend all day moving things from one side of the room to the other, it’s the same thing. Obsessive compulsive.

Thank you Ken for all the knowledge you have shared so far. I've learned so much from your posts. I wish you'd shared all your Insta lives on KZbin as well. As I am not a native english speaker, the subtitles, the possibility to slow the video down to 0,75% helps a lot. It is also so much easier to scroll back on a YT video, not to mention, that I can continue listening with locked screen, while walking, doing chores etc. I wish all your vids would be available on YT as well. Maybe I'm not the only one!

I know this is a big ask but can someone attempt to make sense of my Avoidants thinking… we were great together, take our first family trip with her daughter so a symbolic moment, she gets upset with me for the first time ever when I insisted on paying for our grocery bill for our trip away, she stays upset and a week later stonewalled me. A week after that I get a message saying our potential is not lost on her but that she felt unheard and so disheartened, that it seems she disappointed me and she couldn’t meet my needs, she acknowledges she shuts down and it’s childish, says she can’t talk as she’s not in the headspace and she wants to leave things be. Stonewalled from the message and it’s now 6 weeks later. I have certainly pursued and in so taken too much blame and over done the expression of my feelings for her but that also included a clear respect for her independence. I am of course aware she may just not be into me anymore but given I expect she’d done the process of confirming in her own mind the strength of her feelings towards me before going on a first family trip, I just wonder whether her demons can completely see her disengage from me, forever. Much love to you all. Oh and one thing that I can’t understand is that this girl is getting her relationship advice from her boss at work ( she’s a nurse ) and after I paid for the groceries it seems her advice was to send my ex a video where two guys are saying ‘if you can’t handle an independent woman, don’t date one’ … that type of thing. A very ultra feminist almost toxic feminism in my opinion. I’d say the boss is jealous of my ex and her potential happiness. If my ex gets advice from her I’m screwed. All I had said to my ex was that video was irrelevant to me as I respected her independence and would always celebrate that never take away from it. I also said I’d rather she just talked to me about such things rather than make me listen to a video sent by someone who does not know me. Apparently I wasn’t allowed to feel annoyed at the video which was played at 100km an hour as I’m driving with no explanation why she stiffed the phone to my ear. I think you get the picture… my ex needs better advice but how the hell do I tell her that. I have no one to talk to about this as my friends all just think she’s met someone else and broke up with me, simple as that or one even said just go sleep around to get over it. I need advice from more emotionally sensible and intelligent people.

I have to slow down to 75% speed to be able to follow you

Thank you again and most of all: take care Ken ❤❤❤

Just taking this moment to thank you for all your great material Ken! It’s really outstanding and so utterly helpful. I was and still am in my fifties when I met this intelligent, tender and sweet man, now in his sixties, who I’ve now learned is a DA. He’s overall maturity in life did not exist within a close relationship and nothing I tried in order to help him and us worked in the end. We lasted 7 years though, much because I stood it out and hoped for a change for so (too) long. He even went to therapy but stopped going quite soon, finding faults with the therapist too 😂 It’s been almost a year since we split up. I’ve found so much help and support through your videos, and totally related to the one you did with Tawny on healing. I’m definitely healing, but I’m still sad and it’s hard to be in the late fifties with this experience and keeping up the hope of eventually finding a partner. We had such a great connection, me and this man, even though he couldn’t do a real relationship, and I wonder if I ever will feel that way again for someone. If you would consider doing a video on how to live well with yourself and finding joy in life after a breakup with a DA in a mature age, I would be soooo grateful. But thank you again for everything you do! Few therapists have your knowledge and clear way of presenting this subject.

I am in love with a pwBPD... So, yes, this is absolutely correct.

I just really appreciate the articulate, compassionate, nuanced way you discuss this topic. I just came off an almost 2-year loving relationship with a 63-yr- old DA. He dumped me by simply disappearing after an argument on the phone, ghosting me for 7 weeks, then leaving my stuff stacked neatly in a cardboard box on my front doorstep. I was beyond betrayed and heartbroken. I took your advice and read, 'Men Who Can't Love.' I found it to be brutally honest, but it jolted me into a deeper understanding of how this stuff even happens. It made me feel less alone/crazy! Friends tell me, they can't believe how an older man can behave this way, but it looks like, if they never admit they have a problem or get help, they'll take it to the grave. It's incredibly sad for the DA, and all the ones that they love & discard. On behalf of all of us who are healing, thank you, for your passion, and intelligent effort on this subject.

I was in a relationship I was unhappy in for 20 years all because I thought “If I can just show him how much I love him, that will cure his depression and he’ll love me back!” Nope. I burnt out and had to end the relationship. Sometimes love really isn’t enough

Thank you for restoring my sense of sanity

I hear people say that if it’s a trauma bond, it’s not real love. Is it possible it could be both? Because I truly feel that in our closest moments, my avoidant really did love me before he shut down. But throughout the relationship, the signs of a trauma bond were there also.

I wish you good health ❤

You're a godsend

Thank you for this Ken! ❤

The last girl that discarded me legit said "I don't want you to think of me as your girlfriend." Even though we agreed to a relationship. She said this to me weeks before the discard. Oh... and she also had a very cynical outlook on relationships. My ex was always afraid they would end badly, including ours.

Very validating, thank you so much, Ken. We appreciate these explanations so much.

Disconnect the emotion from the incident. Hard to do. Probably essential.

OMG this is all exactly the girl who dumped me and has stonewalled me when we were fantastic together. All great then one day when I insisted on paying for our groceries for a weekend away apparently threatening her independence. See some of you may say o should have let her pay if she wanted to, sure maybe I could have but I immediately proposed splitting the grocery bill which she rejected saying it was too difficult. Now that for me is a set up to disappoint her. She turned from that point and a week later I was stonewalled to this day. So sad communicating her feelings seems impossible. In what world is paying a bill a reason to break up.

Wow.. I could have written that letter from Terri. Lmao

You are soo correct their actions has nothing to do with me!! He did the slow fade and I let him. I'm good enough!

I wish this guest didn't keep laughing and spoke properly when invited to such as esteemed platform. She came across as condescending and like she was minimising her clients distress. Our host Ken is much better

I thought I was AA but watching this almost everything ticks the FA box.. I'm married to a DA and it is hell! I don't see how I'm avoidant, but have a massive fear which I feel isn't helped by a history of relationships which have been abbusive and marred with infidelity. Any time I have found signs i have been gaslit that none of my reality is happening and it's given me a much harder exterior and very little trust of men. It has definitely affected my career and yet my DA shines, I can barely afford to live.

3 years now of loving a dismissive avoidant. Early on he was more anxious and then fearful, always pushin for more commitment more quickly than i was ready. Then as soon as i was ready to move the relationship forward, he turned hot n cold. Literally having a passionate connection and hours to days later, saying this isnt what i want. 3 daya later reaching out intensely sexually. I reapons, thinking he changed his mind. Nope 2 days later, he is gruffly telling me to erase the pics he sent and everything he said. I expressed my confusion with the mixed messages and he replies coldly that no one is perfect. And on and on and on. It was so good for 9 months as long as i kept him at arms length (i was going through a divorce and wanted to hold off being too serious until yhat was complete. And we were very happy, with only the occasional melt down of him trying to push a faster commitment. But the very day i was ready to go all in, he turned ran. The rollercoaster then commenced and i hung in there for 2 years. I finally anded it a few weeks ago because there was never any stabilty. One day it was intense i love you's and the next day ghosted. I cant do it anymore. And i deserve real love. Not this twisted control dynamic, or whatever it is. Your videos have helped me understand a lot.

Met my husband and within a month was engaged. 12 months later were married. I thought as we were closer to 40- that was driving the rush as we both wanted a family. Within 6 months, the ring came off as i am abusive and venomous. My husbsnd went from opening doors and carrying my bags to telling me my singing in the morning was demonstrative and that i was a disturbing little sprite. Everything was nitpicked, including being slothfull and messy etc. Led me to almost a breakdown. Did go to therapy but it didn’t work, the therapist said my husband was fragile and I should fake being happy for his sake despite being totally miserable at work and having no family for support. Everything was my fault. Ive been left 3 times over 6 years and we now live apart. He just ups and moves out. Ive suggested attachment theory but im reminded i need a therapy and that i'm the abbusive and venemous one. Ive asked for examples but get nothing . Even when living together i was either lied to or stonewalled. I feel absolutely empty and broken. Have also heard that i'm overly needy and bombarding. Even in sending more than more than one text message. Everything is my fault. I certainly am not special enough to get a call. No kids or house but all of our things are in storage together. I don't know how to get away.

I think true avoidancy is just the way to deal with other severe mental health issues. Was it true love? Yes, but with a mentally unstable person so their reactions are not stable. You know it when you had something real and a true connection. When we were together he always said he would go to therapy, but never followed through. The breakup was emotionally damaging for me so when he did reach out later I could tell him what he did was extremely cruel and I would not speak to him unless he was in therapy. When someone you're with needs therapy but doesn't get help you will end up needing therapy yourself. I'm glad I stuck to my boundaries and am happy with someone else now. But it was a hell of a ride and definately really hard to stick with your boundaries when you know someone you care about is not okay and at the same time you have to deal with your own feelings to make sense about this.

After 3 years i got a closure from him... The one i already came to myself. Long story short, he came back to my life many times (typical FA), until i finally said enough and told him i am blocking him. He told me that at the beginning, the first time he dissapeared (literally), it was after a very lovely, intimate weekend, and the second he saw me laying on his couch, it was just too much for him... It doesn't take away all the pain he caused to me, but at least i know it wasn't just in my head, he really was crazy about me in the beginning, until we became too close... He started dating someone new while dating me, now he is already on the second girl. I say believe your feelings, it was very much real, you don't need closure from that person, and don't let them back in your life, they will just hurt you again. Lesson learned.

I got "My feelings have fizzled since we haven't seen each other in three weeks" and "I'm enjoying my solitude" but "I do want to be in a relationship someday, but I'm not emotionally ready." Felt like whiplash. I even said, "You want a relationship, just not with me." I gave him the chance to agree and he said, "No, that's not it at all." Make it make sense. I'm still confused and hurt months later.

Sweetie, with all due respect, I gotta ask why straight men are so toxic? It isn't just gay, bi, or otherwise people; it's everyone!

😂

In solitude, never lonely and happy since 1999. No physical friends, family, partner s*x or physical contact of any sort. Left the gay community in 1999. Never been happier enjoying life without any drama like before 1999 when we were 28 and not alone, but very lonely.

This has happened to me, can you please give suggestions on how to heal

What I'm struggling with is that I was friends with this person for years, before I developed feelings for them. So cutting them off feels like a bigger loss than if it were just someone I dated but didn't know before? Of course the attempt at friendship after the sudden breakup feels very different than the friendship before I developed feelings. So I suppose eventually I may get to the point where it's just too painful to pretend we can remain friends. But I'm not there yet.

Ken you nail it!

I sometimes start to thinking in a loop was everything on my mind and go back to his first messages read them again. He was chasing me, scared to loose me even called me his other half.. then he said we were just talking and its in our imagination and end everything. He was into me into certain point but then suddenly changed. He claimed he never changed but he did and it drives me crazy with self doubt.

Avoidants can make anyone act anxious. There will be communication blockages and lies by omission. You'll definately have cognitive dissonance. Everyone has the right to end a relationship.

Love your videos. Please make more videos on FA

What do mean, trigger a lot of shame and disgust “WITH THEIR PARTNER”?? Disgust with themselves, or towards their partner? @KenReid

When triggered the AV will run through a brick wall to get away from you, regardless of everything else and how strong was your relationship