I'm a self diagnosed autist since 2022 (after some 10 years suspecting I could be on the spectrum, I finally took several online tests, including questionnaires used in formal evaluation in the UK (even though I'm Swedish and living in Sweden, all the tests came back essentially asking me if I have an AUTISM neon sign on my forehead, and one test for assimilation came back with me being strongly assimilated and masking a lot, which makes a lot of sense considering I was about to turn 37 by the time where I finally "came out of the closet" with my autism and dropped the mask more and more! My boyfriend who has a formal autism diagnose like 7 times over (he's level 1) knew about my autism before even I did, so when I told him his response was to send me an autistic meme 😅 and he welcomed me to the neurodivergent life, along with admitting that he'd known since the first time we talked. Another friend with formal diagnose had about the same reaction, admitting he'd known from the first chat message. They could both see it in seconds just by how I was writing in the chat, and noticed even more when we were talking in voice chat. What took them seconds to recognize in me, was missed all throughout my childhood and school years. I had meltdowns, burnouts, wanted to sit away from people, hated how large the class was, and once hitting 7th grade, I little by little approached what I now recognize was an autistic burnout because of the different school environment with multiple classrooms instead of just one. It got so bad that I actually had to have massive adaptations in 9th grade where I spent my whole school year in a small classroom you could go to if needing extra help in some subject, but I was there because it was a small, usually more peaceful classroom which allowed me to focus better, I also only studied Swedish, English, math and home economics (the latter only because I liked cooking and baking things) and the only reason I could enroll in high school was because of a myriad of documents stating that I indeed have the knowledge, but for mental health reasons had to study the way I did, and I was deemed academically fit for high school despite my limited diploma from 9th grade. It was documentation from both my school, the school nurse and counselor, and also the psychiatric unit for children and adolescents (yet none of these people even mentioned that I could be autistic, even with me literally bringing a plushie for comfort to appointments! Either way, my autism was missed, being a girl attending school between 1992 and 2004 really didn't help, as in those days it was extremely rare for girls to be diagnosed or even considered for autism, it was a "boys condition" As independent as I am, I can live on my own, and just have some help from mum with the laundry and taking out trash, and that's only really because of my physical disability, I think I'm only as independent as I am because I was forced to assimilate to the neurotypical word growing up and throughout school, apart from 9th grade, I had absolutely no help or support at school. At one point I even asked to be put in the special needs class because the smaller class and them only using one classroom appealed to me, but my request was denied because I was too book smart (never had my IQ officially tested, but on a long online test I took in my early 20's, I had a result somewhere between 118-124 somewhere, so I'm definitely not stupid (even though I feel like it at times) Seeing I'm at this point just self diagnosed (and instantly recognized by two who have formal diagnose) I do not know what level of autism I have. I think I'm level one, but when watching this video I do recognize myself a fair bit in level 2 as well. I'm pretty sure I've had (and sometimes still do) moments of selective mutism because I'm so uncomfortable in a situation or so confused about social cues that I just don't speak. And changes really stresses me out big time, to the point where I may even physically collapse into autistic burnout. I will eventually try to get a formal diagnose, for the simple reason that a lot of help and support for autism, is being gatekept behind having a formal diagnose. For my day to day life as it is now, the self awareness and dropping the mask and allowing myself to stim and/or wear earbuds or earplugs and now having transition lenses in my glasses, helps me a lot. But if I ever need outside help, be it for my autism or physical disability (hEDS) or both, having a formal diagnose is pretty much a must... And a funny one I guess... I'm the kind of autist who can listen to the same song on repeat for hours at a time, for weeks or even months. Zeit by Rammstein just may have been my most listened to in 2023 😂 And now I'm too rambly and need to sleep

I wish there was like. A 1.5 option lol. Cause I can generally take care of myself and live on my own but daily tasks of living are usually the stuff I find hardest and people definitely think there is something off about me. I work in customer service and people always think I'm rude or don't understand my tone especially if I'm not masking and I won't even realize why a situation has gone down hill. People assume I don't need any support but I definitely feel like life would be a lot easier with support.

Like some other peeps in this comment section, I wasn't diagnosed with a support level but there are lots of "moderates" and "severes" peppered into the handful of records I don't even remember why I have and I strongly relate to this video. Actually, it really puts the suspicion I've had since the boom in visibility for some autistic people in the last 5-10 years or so in a neat package. Even advice from other autistic people often calls for more skill, ability, executive functioning than I have. But then again, part of my circumstance is that I do not have access to substantial support and I still have a roof over my head because my spiky skills happen to make me weirdly good at a job I can actually hold down, so maybe I'm trying to see something that isn't there. Then again again, everything outside my job is chaos. I don't know, like you said, finding the right support should be the point of information like this, but maybe someone can relate to my circumstances and figure things out themselves haha

I came to your channel because I was excited to see a higher support need autistic person create content. I have a similar 2025 goal, to fawn less. Thanks for sharing some of your story and who you’re looking for on your channel. It resonates. I’m looking to give + receive more kindness and compassion. It’s hard to come by on social media so it’s nice when you do find it. I hope that your community this year is who you’re looking for.

Regarding the coming off as disingenuous, I always seem too suspicious/arrogant/selfcentered or like I’m faking being friendly, because I never manage to appear soft and relaxed. I’m more friendly and sweet with dogs than I could ever manage to be with strangers.

I was looking for a video to get clues if I might be level 2 instead of 1 which I just automatically assumed because nobody ever thought I was struggling, they told me I was making it up. I got them, very confidently. Thanks for all the information!

I’m constantly impressed with fellow autistic people who can drive. I just can’t get my head around that.

we are not alone :]

I am both mentally disabled and mentally autistic but I am always very happy with a very happy smile and i am a new subscriber and this brings back such memories of when I use to be a 90s kid and an early 2000s kid as well:).

I came into this video to educate myself on support levels and finishing it now, I’m wondering if my partner and I are both Level 2 quiet cyclones 🌀 Thank you so much for this information and for sharing your personal experiences; there’s so much more rest opportunities I’mma scout out

I'm so thankful for my house and family because the part where you said "you could be unhoused" resonated strongly. It took so much of me to leave my bed, eat and bathe by myself after my autistic burnout. Nowadays I realize I can't care for myself fully still nor can I care for my home at all. Imagining all this with a regular setting, job and no one to help sounds terrifying and I feel like I'd have meltdowns and shutdowns daily. That prospect terrifies me, this society could literally erase me if I was slightly less privileged, if my environment was even more challenging. I'm lucky to be able not to work to survive because I would probably just not even survive if I had to. I call it luck but it's clearly just one privilege away from requiring even more support. One day I might end up in this situation, when my parent is gone, and I'd rather not think about it 🥲

Cultivating joy and beauty! Yes! Kind, compassionate, and never nasty, yes, that is what we all need! May 2025 enable us all to enjoy, encourage, and support one another in the autistic community! Thanks Holly!

When I transitioned I was chubby. Some men took me less seriously. I got sexist comments from time to time and many men would disparrage their wives or women in general like I wasn't right there. 14 years later I finally got skinny. All of the sudden I became an idiot but also a sex object. Many women were less friendly while others became more friendly. It's all so dumb. Then, on top of all that, I finally discovered my ASD and ADHD. I've had an Autistic Breakdown. My need to stim is off the charts now. I have tics. My ability to speak verbally decreased as well as a notable decrease in my interoception. All this to say I am the same person I've always been, but now I am thin, kinda pretty, and my body language is visibly "odd". So of course, sexual predators have been picking me out of crowds and white liberals ask me 'if I'm okay" more than anyone ought be asked that. Oh, support needs. I am absolutely broken. No support or education for my transgender or neurodivergency until way too late. I just tried to do a good job, play my role, and everytime time I was told I'm wierd or that I just need to apply myself and try harder I internalized shame. Every little thing added to my constant stress in life, this became trauma. It was every single day trauma. Little things like how people complaining about how sirens are too loud but they never cover their ears. I learned that I should not cover my ears either, assuming it hurt other people's ears as bad as it hurts mine. I was wrong, I am highly sensitive to sounds and my attempts to fit in just felt like dying inside. I don't know about my support needs because I am not very familiar with support aside from monetary. There are supports I needed my whole life to avoid this breakdown. Like, I know my teeth are in bad shape, but as a grown ass adult who has been conditioned my whole life to be "self sufficient" how do I get someone to help me brush my teeth? I mean how to I humble myself, but also how do I find the services I need? I am getting lots of services from a ASD organization and from a trans clinic. I tell people what my deficiencies are and I get nothing or recommendations for services that are not going to help me. Part of me thinks my support needs are "please go away forever everybody". The better part of me knows I need a trained person 1 day a week for admin and hygeine stuff, and someone who can go with me to stressful things, like the grocery store anytime after 10am, new places, new stupid patient portals, apps, beaurocratic shit... May your hearts be full!

Hi Holly, I found your Level 2 Autism video so helpful awhile back and subbed then. Just happened on your video here on depression and found it so beautiful, though sad. It was a perfect blend of scenery, with the music. Your narriation had me so entranced in your story! Please do more videos like this ❤❤

I was diagnosed level 1 but my day to day experience is level 2. I'm terrified when my mom is no longer around because I need help with shopping cooking and more.

Thank you for this. It helps tremendously. I feel my problem with the shower is a manifestation of the transition from being dry to being wet for me. In my experience for a child being perceived younger than their age can cover a support need.

I'm in the UK so maybe how they diagnose is a but different here but I wasn't given a level just the autism diagnosis but I think I'm probably a level 2 the fear of what happens to me after my mum dies is a big worry for me I always thought (and maybe this is me being naive) that once I was diagnosed I'd just get the help I need but nope I was given the diagnosis with a report but nothing else I won't end up homeless cos my house is paid for but more likely to starve cos I'm afraid to leave my house on my own except for going to work but no one at work likes me cos they think I'm annoying even though I try not to be work causes a lot of issues for me but I think maybe cos I don't feel safe outside the house I only have meltdowns at home but when I'm not at home and sometimes even at home I get this feeling inside that I can't explain which usually means I'm close to meltdown it feels like this pressure inside me that when I'm outside my house I have to keep inside but then when I'm home all the pressure just bursts out in a meltdown

Found your channel because I just bought one of your embroidery kits at a little shop in NJ. I can't wait to start it! I understand the struggles you've talked about in this video- been through similar things myself. Keep going, Holly. I will too. We got this!

I'm level 2 autistic. Without going into too much detail, here are some things that I struggle with: -I can't hold down a job (seriously. I have had 6 different jobs in the past and the last one was part time, 12 hours a week and I didn't last there for even two months). -I can't fully mask. Just like you said, all my life, everyone noticed that "something" about me. -I can't cook -I can't leave the house without having an anxiety/panic attack. Doesn't matter where I'm going. It could be to a fun place. I'm still going to panic. -I need help managing finances and filling out any kind of paperwork. -I can drive shorter distances but I have horrible driving anxiety and need to be driven places when it's dark out, or if I need to get to a place that is further away/unfamiliar. -I am always visibly stimming -I tend to wander away from family when we are out in a public setting -I need several days of rest to recover from one day of socialization -I need help in using basic objects that most adults can easily use (working a tv, lighting a candle, using a plunger) -I have incontinence issues -I tend to need to be accompanied by someone in public settings -I keep communication cards with me at all times because I have a history of having speech loss episodes -I cannot suppress my meltdowns, and they happen quite often. My meltdowns are very uncontrollable and unfortunately very violent. I still have scars on my body from past meltdowns. -I'm in occupational therapy to help with my daily functioning -I'm an extremely picky eater and have safe foods that I need to eat every day without fail That's just some but maybe it will give others an idea if they may be level 2 or not. If anyone who reads this finds that they relate to the things I mentioned, you might be level 2 (but please don't try to self-diagnose your level, seek a professional evaluation for that).

I also fawn a lot... i have really bad rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)... that was a big factor in my trauma... unfortunately, the person who traumatized me insisted on responding to every fawn from me with increased hostility, making me feel more threatened, not less. And because I had no understanding of trauma bonds or narcissism at the time, I got sucked in & that culminated in me eventually being kind of loud & insulting when I told the anonymous trauma story in my video... but... you know I still was restraining my anger, that's why the story was anonymous, to prevent possible collateral harm to them from anyone who might see the video. They responded by launching a smear campaign against me. 🙃

💖 Thanks, Holly. I got my first dx (of 3, long story) in 2007 following another job loss & suicidal episode... the dx was a great thing & I'm still grateful for it, though in the long run, it's been less helpful than I hoped. I'm also crazy grateful for my 2nd wife, Tiffany. We met in 2001 & just this year I realized she's always shown LOTS of signs she's also autistic, but way better than me at masking. She's not diagnosed. I'm still recovering a little from an unexpected psych trauma inflicted on me by another autistic person 3 years ago. Things are better now, but holy hell it was bad... i just didn't realize how badly they were hurting me until it was too late & I spent 4 months unable to sleep from their gaslighting until I got a truckload of prozac & a prescription sleep aid. It's pretty rare for autistic people to gaslight like that. Everyone can gaslight accidentally on occasion (myself included), but I got unlucky & ran into a trauma-bond situation with someone who, from my research, I'm fairly certain is also a narcissist. So they responded to me informing them that they were hurting me by deliberately hurting me more & telling me the hurting was to protect me. For example one literal statement they made to my face was that they refused to consider that "I'm having trouble sleeping" might literally mean that & according to them it could only be interpreted as me visciously attacking them. That I intended to harm them by informing them about my anxiety-induced insomnia. (I didn’t intend them harm, I was just being plain & honest.) I gave up software engineering professionally to pursue comedy full-time in 2016. The last video on my channel is about autism & you might enjoy it... it is by far my most popular (and longest) video. And I've been surprised & grateful for how many other autistic people have contacted me directly (email, twitter) just to thank me for it because they felt seen. 💖 The one concern I have is that there's a chapter about halfway in where I anonymously told the story about how I was traumatized. I yelled a little at the camera. There's a content warning at the beginning of that passage if you want to skip it... but if you do watch that passage & you decide it makes you too uncomfortable to have me in your audience, I just want you to know up-front that I understand and won't be offended. I'm currently researching for a video primer about the warning signs of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) to help others avoid having similar trauma experiences. Ps. The volume on your videos is just a touch lower than most & admittedly I've become deaf in my left ear (I'm 50), but i thought you might like to know in case you want to turn the gain up on your microphone just a couple points. Also, i think i found you through Woodshed Theory. You sent a video of a typesetting drawer like this one to Claire? Or someone did anyway. 🥸

It's so good to see how fellow Autistic/AuDHD people struggle and deal with traveling and the holidays. Having just come off the Yule/Christmas season, this vlog was so extremely cathartic to watch. I've felt so much shame for wanting to be around family but needing to set hard boundaries or completely bow out of get-togethers and it's so validating to see other folks needing to do the same. Dealing with the fact that meltdowns are gonna happen (especially outside of my home environment) has been a big learning curve.

Holly, thank you so being so open and direct. You're honesty is a breath of fresh air. Life is beautiful, challenging, and filled with wonder and pain. I'm glad people are being genuine about what it is to be human.

I hope I can be a good supporter, I love your stuff. I have something to learn, I'm gaining perspective

Thank you, Holly, for making your beautiful channel. That was a fascinating collection of little animal bones you started with in that display box. Was it your collection or someone else's? I love all the knick-knacks you put in as well. Happy New Year ❤

Thank you for being here!

Dang, now I really want to reread The Secret Garden. I haven't read it in almost 30 years. Apparently a lot of people feel it has a lot of autistic coding.

would love to be a social participant in this sorta community here. I’ve been time stamping lately in the comments… I hope you can tolerate me haha

OHmigosh! Thank you for sharing all this information. Was that a hagstone you put in? I love them and go by the beach and look for stuff and I feel close to Derek Jarman when I find one because he used them so much. I really really enjoy it when you pick out little things for your crafts and I think "That's what I would choose!" I was gonna write something about having my fancy tickled by you but it just sounded dirty so instead, I wish you a Happy New Year!

Beautiful message and beautiful heart

❤

I love that you made this video! I so appreciate the care you take, and the attention to detail in your visual presentation. And how wonderful to get the invitation and opportunity to support such a business! 🍿🥰

These look great! Love the reason behind it and always here for autistic/disabled folks being employed on their own terms! I can't wait to support them when I can!

Omg the frustration with sudden change has always been incredibly stressful for me, even sudden positive things-I can’t stand surprises, especially big ones. When I was 10 years old, my parents surprised me with a trip to Disney World but they didn’t tell me until we were already in the car and I began to cry. They thought I was crying from happiness, but it was really because I wished they would’ve TOLD me, I wasn’t prepared at all for that and although I was beyond grateful to finally go to Disney World-and I’m not at all trying to sound ungrateful-but the fact that they waited until the LAST minute to tell me sort of put me in this weird funk that I felt throughout the entire vacation and sort of ruined the magic. On top of that it was during Christmas, which we’d always spent at home with family and I missed out on that which I also wasn’t prepared for. It took me years to explain to my parents that while I was super thankful to be able to finally go to the place I’d been dreaming of going my entire childhood, I wish they would’ve just told me ahead of time so I could’ve planned ahead and looked forward to it. I felt so weird and out of place that whole time, all because they kept it a secret until the last minute. It makes me wildly uncomfortable when everyone around me knows something that I don’t-it feels like I’m being lied to and I really don’t like that. It was even worse that my mom recorded my reaction when they told me (I think she wanted to have a cute family AFV moment) but I BEGGED her not to film and especially not to post it, but I’m pretty sure she still posted it on Facebook at some point bc my aunt told me she’d seen the video. I get that my mom just wanted to create a magical moment for me, but I wish she would’ve included me in planning the trip as that would’ve made it much more enjoyable and less stressful.

Happy new year Holly🥰

Looks yummy! Thanks for sharing

Lol NTs hate explanations and reasons. Hell, I bet the well-meaning ones might genuinely think we're asking for help problem solving the barrier. I agree that giving as little information as humanly possible is best. You don't have a doctor's appointment, or relative in town, or tickets to a show you bought two years in advance, you are simply _unavailable._

Hi there! Thanks for making this video. I’m so glad this business exists and appreciate you talking about them. Autistic people certainly are underemployed and it needs to be discussed more. The gourmet popcorn looks wonderful! I love that you showed how you plated it to be festive during the holiday season. And showed how it paired well with a comforting holiday activity. I can see your passion for this. I apologize for the comments decentering from what your content is about here. Social media is full of what about ism, and that’s the issue. Anyway back to centering Samuel, their company, autistic people engaging with work that gives them purpose + fulfillment, and gourmet popcorn!

I wish I could explain why I don't know how to do things or don't understand them. No one knows what I mean, I think they think I'm lying. Most things I do by memorization with little to no understanding of why or how they work, and I have to learn them over from scratch in different circumstances.

Is there evidence to support even distribution of the three support need types? I'd imagine it might be weighted.

A really lovely video and a heartwarming story indeed, Holly. I love to see autistic people proactively supporting other autistic people. I only wish I could eat popcorn! 🍿

What a lovely sponsor for you!! This popcorn sounds delicious ❤

As an autistic fan of popcorn, I LOVE this idea! Sadly, I also have celiac and can't eat things made in facilities that also process wheat, but such is life with celiac disease. Thanks for sharing this great small business!

did you watch Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas?

High interest in a specific topic, support need...could be if the interest is so intense, it is interfering with doing whatever task is required to be done. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Like my son with his video games...or even just videos. It's the only thing he will talk about and thinks about, that he has great difficulty focusing on, say cleaning his room as an example. Requiring a high degree of support, matching the intensity of his interest to remain on task. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I have a question, out of curiosity. My son was diagnosed with ASD back in 2007 at age 5, well before this level scale came forward. Does he need to be re-evaluated to determine where his is on this level scale, or does it even matter? What happens if he doesn't fit neatly into any ONE level? He kind of fits in level 2 and level 3...as per that level image.

I hear other creators recommending your channel. Just thought you should know that. I enjoy your content. I understand the trouble making friends. It's always been that way for me as well.

I often assume I must not have made myself clear with the first no if someone is pushing back. Or worse, I assume I shouldn't have did no in the first place, and they're giving me an opportunity to save face. I know. I've got work to do on personal boundaries.

I have a hard time telling my kids no. It's always tentative so they have picked up on this and take advantage. But I can't blame them. I need to be clear about my boundaries.

This is me with rules. I can't follow stupid rules. I need it to make sense, and then I can process, internalize, and let go.