Lol if a man said it, you know its BS!

The main problem is that men seem to believe that love is entirely dependent upon physical attractiveness. So their partner only deserved to be loved while they were younger and hotter than the little girls they're subscribed to. The woman they're supposed to love grows old and still just as lonely as they were from the start. For men time decreases their love and commitment which is the polar opposite of what women do. If he isn't chasing you he doesn't love you... more likely or not he's preoccupied with some poor teenager who was abused and looking for the validation that they never got from their father's... like most of us. Don't stick around ladies. I can't count the numbers of old married men who are constantly hitting on me, despite my being the same age as their own daughters! Trust me they are ALL sick AF. Love yourself enough to ensure that your needs are being met. If he doesnt value you in the beginning he will NEVER value you. End of story❤️

The legal definition of emotional abuse is engaging in conduct or threatening someone with conduct that causes or can be expected to cause emotional harm. The legal definition of abuse though, does require intent. So emotional abuse does require intent.

What if they are working on it? And then you do see them flip flop in the process?

I have always struggled with anger , resentments, and unforgiveness. I have been working on it with a therapist and 12 step sponsor, and it is getting better. I was told that resentments only hurt you, not the wrongdoers. I had to write down my resentments and how they affected me to see the damage to motivate me to let go. I also had to write down my part in the resentments so I could see where i was in the wrong, make amends, change behaviors, build my character and reconcile relationships if appropriate. Obviously there are some situations you don't play a part like if you were abused. I really get into psychology and human behavior so I like to understand why people act how they do for example mental illness. It helps to have compassion on them and to wish them well. This is NOT justifying or condoning it just helps to understand, have compassion, and wish them well. Its also not good to get revenge, not only because of consequence but they will get their karma and there will be justice. If it motivates them to change and make amends be happy for them.

This is really good advice!! I wish I knew this years ago

Before getting married, my husband promised to me that he would take care of me and of my daughter and that I could be a stay at home mum. As I had been tired of being on my own and having a chlid of 12 to look after, I left my very well paid job in a city of Europe and went back home to get married to him. I had another child. From the beginning of the wedding I understoood that he would make outrageous expenses for the wellbeing of our family without counselling with me. He used to present himself as a well off man- he had a very good job- and made me feel that I should not worry about anything. However he did not want me to see his debit card or know anything about his bank account. He would tell me lies about money and suddenly I discovered that he was almost broke. He excused himself by saying that he wanted me to feel well off so that we would have more children. I think it was a form of gaslighting that he was using. In general he was very nice, kind, a good Christian, but every now and then I would find out that he would have lied to me, that he would have borrowed money etc. And there was always near him one "friend" that he has trying to help, either an alcoholic, a drug addict, a psychotic, or a "luben" person, if you know the meaning. In general people like him, because he is kind but this pattern comes back again and again. He overspends, he tells lies, he lends these people while his family is not doing well off. Until now I forgave him, mostly because I could not see myself taking a divorce. I suffer from depression, which becomes worse when these incidents happen, am already 64 and I feel very lonely. I do not want to count on my children or my elderly mother and I don't even want to speak about that with my friends because the only one who can take a decision is myself. I have done several attempts to have a job, but my age and the general situation in my country do not help. There are moments that I feel deceived and disgusted but I know that I am responsible for my fate because I never trusted myself and my abilities.

How to find a therapist?? PLEASE HELP

I have severe resentment towards my partner mainly because for 20+ years, I have been "into " my partner way more than they are "into" me. It slowly eats your soul until your just an angry mess. What a waste.

I deeply value the way your podcast delivered information on this topic. I've been watching other KZbin videos to better understand the unhealthy dynamics in my relationship, but many of them feel fear-based. They tend to polarize the topic, making it difficult to discern the nuances of emotional abuse-what is permissible versus what is truly abusive. Emotional abuse often gets reduced to extreme behaviors, leaving little room to address the subtler layers. What resonated most with me in your approach is how you explored these layers, navigating the tricky distinctions between toxic but repairable dynamics and those that are abusive and unacceptable. Your message felt grounded in love and understanding, with an emphasis on healthy boundaries. This felt much more thoughtful and compassionate than the fear-driven advice I’ve encountered on other platforms, thank you! 🙏

“Im Not yelling this is how I talk„

Neither of these women sound professional or intelligent. I’m shocked that the woman in plaid flannel drops the F bomb at people and admits this as a therapist. Also, her body language, interrupting, and poor eye contact was hard to watch. She seemed like she didn’t care what the other therapist had to say as much as she cared about making her own points, so it wasn’t much of a conversation. I wouldn’t want to see her as a therapist.

I am a dog lover and owner. I have been since I was a child. My boyfriend makes it a point to tell me how much he hates people who love or have dogs. He says it every other week at least. I am just realizing this is abuse.

So what about in my case where I want zero sexual touch until we build back up trust?

Can you kidnap my partner and clockwork orange this into his brain, please? Every time I try to tell him that the only way physically intimacy will feel safe again is if he stops pressuring me, it turns into this huge fight.

Very informative i wish you could jave told us how to stop resenting but of course..you want us to pay for it....

Staying resentful after years because it still happens everyday..

So if you have had the resentment conversations a million times already...

@14:20 that almost feels like spritual abuse sometimes. He tells me I have to quit volunteering with the wildlife rehabs, which is something that I find very spiritually fulfilling. I'm not letting him take that from me.

Isolation is so much more than saying "don't do this" or "I dont like them/that." It's also when he refuses to stick to plans or tell you when he's coming over so you cant live your own fucking life. Because you know you're going to pay for it if you're not waiting at home for him. You wanted to go to that volunteer event on Saturday from 12-4? How *could* you when he's going to finally spend time with you all Saturday? Then 6:00 rolls around and he finally shows up. You chose to not go to the event on Saturday, so its all your fault. How dare you try to blame him!

All of these videos are 5 mins of bs, then they get to the point....shut up and get to it. I'm even more confused by all the filler

I really needed this episode. I’ve been in my head and this conversation is really helping me come to terms with my feelings

Just listening to the initial descriptions, my shoulders are like inside my ears and my heart is racing.

I commend you for doing this podcast to raise awareness❤❤🎉🎉

What is the 'victim" hears this but they're actually extremely abusive themselves? Seems like you're avoiding accountability for one side of a relationship. Most relationships don't have one abuser and one victim.

I cannot help thinking Dismissive Avoidants are abusive by default

This conversation was really helpful. Thank you

This was really good! I’m surprised there’s no comments with 600+ views, comment and support

Well, I think I knew but this hit…

I broke up on this video when I heard the vocal fry!

Wholly frack. Ty for this. Day 4 full separation 2nd marriage. Working on myself so so hard. Stupid victim mindset is being broken no lie. Thanks Jiaon for your truth

Im going through this right now with my wife of 15 years and this story is unbelievably similar to ours. I was constantly putting up walls when things got too hard emotionally, i ignored her cries for help and dismissed her feelings as being overly dramatic or misplaced. In reality it was a problem. I was just being avoidant. She left about 3 weeks ago, and thats what it took me to see the problems as they were. I immediately knew i had to fix myself if I wanted her back. I've got into therapy, and I am working on myself as hard as I can right now. I'm trying to give her space while still showing her the work I'm doing, its hard, it tears me up every day, all day long but hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Nice Video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love him so much I can't stop thinking about him, l've tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I'm frustrated, I don't see my life as anyone else. I've done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can't, I don't know why I'm saying this here, I really miss him and just can't stop thinking about him.

I never been abuse before

I think it’s a slippery slope defining abuse by someone’s feelings. I think we exclusively have to define it by actions to eliminate the very real possibility that someone’s perception is skewed and situations where people use their feelings to emotionally manipulate the other person. An example of a person’s perception being skewed would be someone who is depressed. They may have the perception that people don’t care or that the world is against them but it’s skewed by their mood disorder’s lens. Their feelings are still valid and it may still be an emotionally abusive situation for them but to label the other person as an abuser when someone may be perceiving the situation in an atypical way isn’t accurate and is actually quite harmful to the other person in this example.

This was so simple and easy to apply. Thank you!

One time he got so drunk and I refused to leave our child with him. He began to video call me and looked straight into the camera and told me I needed to get it through my head that I was a piece of shit. I would hang up and he would call again. He kept repeating it. The next day I saw him again when he was sober and he claimed that he didn’t remember anything but that he was “sorry I guess” and quickly initiated sex. I felt so dirty that day but I felt so desperate to make things work with him because we had a child together. He knew this because whenever I did try to walk away he would say “you want to raise our child like you did without two parents?” I was raised by a single mom. He would throw this in my face whenever I said I was done.

This podcast feels very much like what is happening in my relationship and I imagine with a lot of relationships nowadays being that men of our generation were told to keep our heads down and our bums up and to keep on keeping on and that women are told nowadays that they can have it all and they are shamed for staying in a relationship more so than the past generations which were shamed for leaving one. I saw a great video that said traditionally men have been emotionally reliant on their wife and women have been economically reliant on their husband. Nowadays with women working and not needing men economically it has meant that men need to bring more emotionally to the table, and men of my generation weren't given these tools. My boys however are being given these tools by both my wife (or ex-wife by the time you read this) and myself. I am currently separated and going through a lot of the same things that you have gone through but a shift in my wife's truth means that we will never have a traditional husband and wife relationship again. Like Gianni says at about the 54 minute mark I am trying to be honest with myself, and I am trying to figure out what it is I really want from the rest of my life? She knows what she wants and that is to be untethered, not married and not be with a man, any man but that isn't to say that we can't still care for one another and have a relationship of sorts going forward - what that is though I couldn't say and like Gianni I feel there is a zero percent chance that we stay married. Whatever the future holds though, ultimately she will choose what she wants to do with her life and I will choose what I want to do with mine and we will both choose what we will and won't accept in our lives going forward and we will both be OK, as will the kids. In the meantime we are both working a lot on ourselves. She has a bit of a headstart and has been doing this work for a few years already whereas my journey is just beginning but I have been working hard on letting go of my ego (and in letting go in general) and have been sitting in a lot of my own shit of late. Growth is very difficult but I am thankful I have been given a catalyst to grow and I know this work will pay off with our children and any future relationships/friendships we both have.

I recently got out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, it has been 3 days now. Together for 1 year 8 months. I endured the abuse because i told myself that I emotionally abuse him too until I couldnt take it anymore. I particially blamed myself but I'm working on forgiving myself and forgiving him too. I'm glad that it is finally over though

Just found this and have so many questions

The behaviors can be minimized or justified, but once you accept that they are an abuser, that it’s WHO they are, that cannot be explained away. They are the problem, not their behaviors.

Keen to buy the ebook mentioned in this episode do you have a link? X

Definitely a trigger for me is when someone tells me not to be resentful and just let it go. That pisses me completely off.

I’m going through therapy for couples. My partner rather listen to none fake TikTok therapist with no experience or education then are own therapist.

I went through months and months of hell, but the moment when he had deliberately reduced me to collapsing against the wall in a bundle of tears, in front of our two small children, and I looked up and saw him smiling and enjoying my pain, I knew I was done and was getting out no matter what.

You girls are amazing I loooove each episode

Really loved the conversation. Can you post the link to the episode you referenced about repairing resentment!? Thanks!

Y’all that’s a feeling 🤦🏻🤦🏻 feeling frustrated and miserable are feelings you got to grow out of doing what you feel and pay more attention to the problem why how can we change ok let’s try xyz

My narc always lies and tells me he never said or did that when i question him about something.

I zm in the process of leaving. Can't take it anymore 😢😢