Well, I think I knew but this hit…

I broke up on this video when I heard the vocal fry!

Wholly frack. Ty for this. Day 4 full separation 2nd marriage. Working on myself so so hard. Stupid victim mindset is being broken no lie. Thanks Jiaon for your truth

Im going through this right now with my wife of 15 years and this story is unbelievably similar to ours. I was constantly putting up walls when things got too hard emotionally, i ignored her cries for help and dismissed her feelings as being overly dramatic or misplaced. In reality it was a problem. I was just being avoidant. She left about 3 weeks ago, and thats what it took me to see the problems as they were. I immediately knew i had to fix myself if I wanted her back. I've got into therapy, and I am working on myself as hard as I can right now. I'm trying to give her space while still showing her the work I'm doing, its hard, it tears me up every day, all day long but hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Nice Video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love him so much I can't stop thinking about him, l've tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I'm frustrated, I don't see my life as anyone else. I've done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can't, I don't know why I'm saying this here, I really miss him and just can't stop thinking about him.

I never been abuse before

I think it’s a slippery slope defining abuse by someone’s feelings. I think we exclusively have to define it by actions to eliminate the very real possibility that someone’s perception is skewed and situations where people use their feelings to emotionally manipulate the other person. An example of a person’s perception being skewed would be someone who is depressed. They may have the perception that people don’t care or that the world is against them but it’s skewed by their mood disorder’s lens. Their feelings are still valid and it may still be an emotionally abusive situation for them but to label the other person as an abuser when someone may be perceiving the situation in an atypical way isn’t accurate and is actually quite harmful to the other person in this example.

This was so simple and easy to apply. Thank you!

One time he got so drunk and I refused to leave our child with him. He began to video call me and looked straight into the camera and told me I needed to get it through my head that I was a piece of shit. I would hang up and he would call again. He kept repeating it. The next day I saw him again when he was sober and he claimed that he didn’t remember anything but that he was “sorry I guess” and quickly initiated sex. I felt so dirty that day but I felt so desperate to make things work with him because we had a child together. He knew this because whenever I did try to walk away he would say “you want to raise our child like you did without two parents?” I was raised by a single mom. He would throw this in my face whenever I said I was done.

This podcast feels very much like what is happening in my relationship and I imagine with a lot of relationships nowadays being that men of our generation were told to keep our heads down and our bums up and to keep on keeping on and that women are told nowadays that they can have it all and they are shamed for staying in a relationship more so than the past generations which were shamed for leaving one. I saw a great video that said traditionally men have been emotionally reliant on their wife and women have been economically reliant on their husband. Nowadays with women working and not needing men economically it has meant that men need to bring more emotionally to the table, and men of my generation weren't given these tools. My boys however are being given these tools by both my wife (or ex-wife by the time you read this) and myself. I am currently separated and going through a lot of the same things that you have gone through but a shift in my wife's truth means that we will never have a traditional husband and wife relationship again. Like Gianni says at about the 54 minute mark I am trying to be honest with myself, and I am trying to figure out what it is I really want from the rest of my life? She knows what she wants and that is to be untethered, not married and not be with a man, any man but that isn't to say that we can't still care for one another and have a relationship of sorts going forward - what that is though I couldn't say and like Gianni I feel there is a zero percent chance that we stay married. Whatever the future holds though, ultimately she will choose what she wants to do with her life and I will choose what I want to do with mine and we will both choose what we will and won't accept in our lives going forward and we will both be OK, as will the kids. In the meantime we are both working a lot on ourselves. She has a bit of a headstart and has been doing this work for a few years already whereas my journey is just beginning but I have been working hard on letting go of my ego (and in letting go in general) and have been sitting in a lot of my own shit of late. Growth is very difficult but I am thankful I have been given a catalyst to grow and I know this work will pay off with our children and any future relationships/friendships we both have.

I recently got out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, it has been 3 days now. Together for 1 year 8 months. I endured the abuse because i told myself that I emotionally abuse him too until I couldnt take it anymore. I particially blamed myself but I'm working on forgiving myself and forgiving him too. I'm glad that it is finally over though

Just found this and have so many questions

The behaviors can be minimized or justified, but once you accept that they are an abuser, that it’s WHO they are, that cannot be explained away. They are the problem, not their behaviors.

Keen to buy the ebook mentioned in this episode do you have a link? X

Definitely a trigger for me is when someone tells me not to be resentful and just let it go. That pisses me completely off.

I’m going through therapy for couples. My partner rather listen to none fake TikTok therapist with no experience or education then are own therapist.

I went through months and months of hell, but the moment when he had deliberately reduced me to collapsing against the wall in a bundle of tears, in front of our two small children, and I looked up and saw him smiling and enjoying my pain, I knew I was done and was getting out no matter what.

You girls are amazing I loooove each episode

Really loved the conversation. Can you post the link to the episode you referenced about repairing resentment!? Thanks!

Y’all that’s a feeling 🤦🏻🤦🏻 feeling frustrated and miserable are feelings you got to grow out of doing what you feel and pay more attention to the problem why how can we change ok let’s try xyz

My narc always lies and tells me he never said or did that when i question him about something.

I zm in the process of leaving. Can't take it anymore 😢😢

Everything talked about here describes the narc I've lived with for 4 hellous years 😢😢

Is standing over your wife, screaming at her to sign on a house that she is sobbing that she does not want to buy emotional abuse? Everyone thinks he’s so wonderful and he is until you tell him no then all hell breaks loose.

I love this video and find it super helpful, but I wonder about the partner being abusive while drinking. Is he really prioritizing the relationship if he is still drinking but just asks if everything went okay? Is he trying to get help to stop drinking? Is he staying away from you while drinking to not cause harm? I question these things because I have a friend going through emotional abuse in her marriage, but she similarly says “Well he still does the thing but he checks in after everytime.” To me that’s more manipulation than prioritizing the relationship. This segment had all good things but that part absolutely would throw me off and give me hope that if my partner checks in, it makes everything okay.

It’s both of us being a part of the argument, but him saying I’m the one doing this to us. Or him saying “I think you need therapy or something”

The way yall talk, if you have a disagreement with how your partner lives, you are emotionally abusive. Might as well be single.

My 'husband' says he always uses 'reasoned and rational' argument to explain everything he has done since we met...because of the advanced training he had with a psychologist in his career. He tries to wear me down verbally until he gets what he wants.

Hello relationship coach i have questions i what know about affairs can you answer them turth full please. 1 I have question for you. What happen if i was dating Morgan i starting seeing my ex boyfriend Stephen start to make emotional attachment to Stephen i when i know him from school to college by texting him and meeting up and talking to Stephen on phone and thinking about him and watching films with him without never never having no sex ? Is it emotional cheating plus does class emotional affair and my and Stephen history and past dating turn into emontinal cheating or not if i was dating Morgan? Is it emotional cheating or not? 2 can i have affair or cheat without never never never having no sex? 3 Does this counts as emotional affair? But keep in mind me and Morgan and Stephen have special needs i feel it not cheating we all got special needs i know it will never never having sex in my affair not never never so does sill counts as infidelity but only physical is hugging and holding hands no sex. It non sexual affair just emotional and physical affair without sex 1 texting Stephen behind Morgan back 2 meeting with stephen behind morgan back 3 laughing with Stephen 4 watching films with stephen behind morgan back 5 specking to Stephen on phone behind morgan back 6 hiding texts and deleting texts behind morgan back 7 telling Stephen i love him and miss him and i can't holding hands with him and watch my and favourite movie dinsey high school musical that got Zac efron and vanessa Hudgens in it.? 8 getting high school musical balloons with stephen? Does this counts as emontinal affair?

My ex would claim I was gaslighting him by having a difference of opinion or perspective than him. It was abuse if I brought up an issue that was bothering me, because I was making him look/feel like a “bad guy.” He would easily define many things as emotional abuse based on their impact. 🤷‍♀️ That definition gets a bit sticky when someone feels abused and uses that as a way to avoid accountability or shut you down.

I feel like the relationship I just came out of was emotionally abusive. What strikes me is that he read a lot about relationships and psychology and I feel like he twisted some of these concepts. For example, he would tell me that he felt unsafe in the relationship. He would say he felt unsafe because he would imagine that I was cheating when I was just out visiting with a girlfriend or because I set boundaries and spent an evening by myself. So, my back goes up a but when you say if your partner says they feel unsafe, that you should be looking at your behavior. Things like that can be used to control too. It is very insidious and hard to pick apart sometimes. Overall this podcast was super helpful and really informative.

My ex would berate me for spending money on my kids, helping them with studies etc. I ended up hiding it from her which is not what you'd do in a healthy relationship.

What if this person abusing you emotionally is your Dad? And what if you grew up in a traumatizing household? What do you do to escape.

Awesome ladies

@19:30 love this

I feel like I need to comment.. please be careful with saying things like it's not a one-off. I understand what you're saying, but.... my abusive ex started out with one time, then it would be like gradual, once every 6 months, once every 3 months.. and I wish I had gotten out before it got worse. But part of what made me stay, along with other reasons, was that I told myself it didn't happen often enough for it to be a big deal. And because when he apologized it wouldn't happen again for 4-6 months, it would make me think he had changed and he meant it because it took so long for it to happen again, so by that time I had gotten comfortable again. It's the cycle.

I have to debate the wording on definition, that abuse is "meant". It absolutely doesn't have to be conscious or intentional. Abuse is abuse regardless how normal it is for them.

I respectfully disagree that your partner not talking to you for a few days isn’t abusive. If they don’t communicate it, then what you’ve just described is stonewalling …

Thank you for this! I got divorced 20 years ago and I've been completely bound up ever since in trying to understand what was happening and who could be blamed for the divorce. I've always suspected emotional and mental abuse because by the time of the divorce I was completely disassociated and barely able to function, but because of the disassociation, I couldn't remember anything that I could use as evidence. Now knowing that a) my feelings of being unable to ever please him and the conversations I remember about how I was either spending too much time at work or not earning enough money (or both), and b) that his intent doesn't matter at all if the results were that destructive is so freeing!!

what is your advice on finding out your husband of 34 years has had a hidden porn addiction for the last 25 years?

I have been told I’m dumb and not intelligent, that I can’t string a sentence together- however he would get angry, not actually listen to my words, trip me up with words like a riddle to win his point.. I just felt intimidated and humiliated so did start to stumble my words bc of the confusion

I kinda need a cry now. I realized a lot of the things I still struggle with 7 years later is all the things I was blamed on, “you did this abusive thing and that justifies what I did.” And in many cases I physically hurt myself trying to correct it. But we never talked about it beyond my partner blaming me and I realize that was because we didn’t have a healthy relationship where we could address those issues. So the end result is I bottle absolutely everything up and live with this immense about of fear and guilt.

I agree with some of this but listening to you two talk about judging someone going through different grievances as toxic or abusive, when they are not in a normal nervous system response, is off putting. I personally know I have said the wrong thing the 2 different days last year when I was at parties for my partner, and lost 2 family members. I have less than 5 family extended included. I was judged heavily on those interactions and I honestly don't feel like you're being fair to the other party. It's like all about how you feel and not you're not considering the states of your significant other at all.

19:44 how it makes you feel is not an indicator if the topic is for harming you! try to think before screaming narcessist

4:37 this right here. Especially men. There is no guidance about what a good relationship even is like, or how to treat eachother in a romantic intimate relationship, and what respect even is. And we are totally pressured to get in and stay in the perfect-looking relationship by family friends and society in general. I think this is the most dangerous thing emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, literally in every way.

Best just change the locks and get a younger girl.

Question--what if one partner makes a complaint to a partner (ex: you cuddle your dog more than me--person felt sad, lonely, jealous...recognized they should have made a request instead of a complaint after the fact); and the other person converts that statement and meaning (ex: you said "I'm a horrible partner")...how do we help clients out of that cycle? Is this an abusive relationship or miscommunication? which partner is the abuser in this case (if either)?!

The drinking thing. Does it not happen alot in people in their like experimental phase, like people in their 20s. Cause you're at a age where you don't want to change behaviours for anyone. And we often prioritize out own fun alot at that age.

I'm definitely wishing I was more educated in how to identify eligibility to be my partner as a criteria. The emphasis was always on get a relationship, not on picking one you would want.

Also … be careful to define other people based on your feelings. Calling someone else abusive based on your subjective feelings is a no-no. This is how so many innocent Black people get killed by police who “feel” threatened because being in the presence of a Black person makes them feel that way. One should be balancing their feelings with objective reality and having conversations with their partner about their feelings and their intentions. Taking some random comment someone made about your sister’s glasses and internalizing it without a conversation clarifying the intent is not healthy. Intent does matter - it’s definitely a part of the equation.