Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships | Unsafe Relationships | Abusive Communication

In today’s episode, Rachel & Stacey explore signs of an emotionally abusive relationship. If you are in an unsafe relationship, you deserve to get support and help.
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If you've found this video, you're likely seeking insights on:
1. What is emotional abuse
2. Signs of an emotionally abusive relationship
3. How to stop emotional abuse
4. Getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship
5. How to spot emotional abuse
WHAT TO WATCH NEXT
Compromise in Relationships | Coercion vs Compromise | Healthy Ways to Compromise With Your Partner
• Compromise in Relation...
How to Break Up | When to End the Relationship| Can you be friends with your ex?
• How to Break Up | When...
LISTEN TO THE PODCAST
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About us
We are Rachel Facio & Stacey Sherrell, the duo behind Decoding Couples.
Our mission is to take the complications out of communication, help you break unhealthy patterns and connect in a way that makes your grandma blush.
​
Jokes aside, we are your one stop shop when your relationship needs change and support and therapy just isn’t accessible right now. We help end cyclical fights, extinguish hot spots and breathe life back into the bedroom. We also walk you through how to know for certain a relationship is worthy of moving to the next step or not. Wherever you are in your relationship journey (post break-up, single life, situationship, long term partnerships or marriage), we got you! We are known for ditching the fluff and giving you no-BS tools that allow you to see and FEEL tangible change.
#emotionalabuse #relationshipadvice #abusiverelationshipsigns #marriagetips #intimacy #respect #relationshipproblems #love #healthyrelationships #datingadvice #marriagecounseling #couplecounseling #unhealthyrelationships #healthycommunication

[@MisssPeachykeen]

I am always getting yelled at and told its not yelling.

[@Vixinaful]

I'M NOT YELLING!!!!! Haha, Sorry, had to. Narcissism is due to brain damage. They have NO normal view of life at all.

[@ruthh.9069]

That's gaslighting, Sis.

[@melocoton7]

Yell back "I am not yelling either!!!" and then start working on an exit plan and LEAVE

[@beautifulspirit2973]

Me too and I'm prepared to walk if he doesn't get help

[@LiveConcertJunkie]

@@beautifulspirit2973I would just leave, don’t wait for someone to get the proper help. I waited for my GF to go to counseling/therapy like she said and she ended up never going until I needed to have a final conversation with her about our communication. Sometimes you gotta just accept people are who they are

[@LoisPasinella]

I heard a really good quote recently from another psychologist, who said, “An abusive person, abuses because they are an abuser”. Truth.

[@mattimus1979]

Ooof. Great share. That has to be one of the hardest hitting, and sobering things I’ve heard regarding emotional abuse. It can be so easy to downplay and make excuses for a partners hurtful behaviors, especially when they show how loving and faithful they can be. Talk about living in a fog.

[@fluutur4430]

⁠@@mattimus1979yep, like the highs are why you stay, because they can be so amazing, then they change in a split second and treat you terribly.

[@Mushroom321-]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 YES!!!!, exactly!!!!

[@Mushroom321-]

​@@fluutur4430 yes!!, happy TO BE FREE!!! 🎉🎉🎉

[@hbinfinity]

My partner had the "oh shit" moment in couple's counciling where he realized he was emotionally abusive and deeply passive aggressive. I had hope. Then a week and a half later, he tried physically intimidating me in public. I pointed it out. He was mortified. Apparently he just plain can't help it. Maybe long term it will get better. But I don't deserve to be in the detonation zone in the meantime.

[@Bizarrebarbie]

They really can’t help it it’s who they are and I realized that

[@victorial8764]

You don’t deserve it. But it takes time. He is on the right track and the fact he was mortified means he is seeing it which is so important. The therapy can help some. I think giving it time WHILE getting your own therapy and support group to help watch over you. If you don’t have them. I speak from experience too. It’s so hard. I feel the detonation thing! I jump at everything. I don’t hear my alarm but if he whispers my name I immediately wake. He is getting better. I hope the best for you. You should have peace. And I know I’m just a rando. The unsolicited advice comes in love and care. ❤

[@denisevalley9021]

No it will not! 30 years and it became worse.

[@kaylagauby2552]

It can take YEARS for change

[@fluutur4430]

i’m 16, my ex is 17. we started dating when we were both 14, and we were together for a little over 2 years. i just realized he was an emotionally abusive narcissist. i left him yesterday and i feel kinda numb, but im glad it’s finally over.

[@tennilleedmond1344]

Good for you! Being your own self advocate. Very mature. Stay strong on this decision. And you're suuuuuper young! Use this time to truly heal and get to know yourself... what you like/ don't like... and weed out anyone who doesn't fit this (the healthy desires)

[@stephaniegoodwin6925]

My husband was told by our counsellor that if he continued to stonewall, I would leave. It didn't matter to him. He continues to any time I speak up. He tells me in front of the kids that I'm not as valuable as him because he makes more money, so my parenting is not welcomed. Only his way is the way

[@Mushroom321-]

A double horrible of emotional abuse w/ your kids hearing !. Im sorry!!

[@KimHeiseArt]

Thanks! When I was going through an abusive situation one of the hard parts was figuring out if it was actual abuse. Thanks for spelling it out!

[@jibyjiby5424]

Nobody ever talks about becoming emotionally abusive when trying to free oneself from an emotionally abusive situation. I’ve said all the awful things to my ex because he took advantage of my familial/geographic/social/professional vulnerabilities and refused to leave me for years, doing whatever he pleased which included drug and alcohol abuse and sex addiction. He was never verbally abusive to me but exposed me, a single mother of a small child, to unacceptable and atrocious behaviors, all the while taking advantage of my vulnerabilities and landlord/tenant laws. So yeah, I glitched and have been the most awful person to him. Unfortunate that nobody can expose this aspect of emotional abuse bc I know it’s prevalent.

[@jibyjiby5424]

“Not defined by the intent of the person” fuck that! Y’all need to open your minds to other situations! WTH?!

[@musiclover-cu5jy]

You’re right. They can be dragged down into the mud with them. Don’t blame yourself. You’re just trying to defend yourself and fight back.

[@AngelicaLady]

This is the person I'm screaming and begging to not be. I'm more hurt and disgusted that these people want you to get to that point they have something to also use against you. They force you into being also a bad person giving you very little other options to escape and leave as still a good person. For me living with my parents have entrapped and put me in a position where there's really no other options for me to escape this stupid hurtful forced hatred and abuse. People think it's so easy to pick up and leave when your on disability with no identity when they have turned everyone against you and people are out there waiting to throw me into sex trafficking or waiting to harm you stalking you and doing everything they can do to follow you and sabotage every other relationship you manage to get and then follow and torture anyone that comes near you or tries to help you. You can not get away from it. Like there's no place any safer or better then the abusive fucked up place your stuck in already. My parents have gotten to the point where I'm not allowed in the house to use the bathroom or take showers or get food. I'm currently living in their RV at the end of their yard I have no running water I have no bathroom I've become exhausted. I was told help was coming,I was told my whole life i had money coming for the work I did do for the last three decades but they never paid me and are withholding said money and mother is claiming now she's keeping all this money i should have to keep me stuck and abused in this rv instead of giving it to me... This is a really sick fucked up disgusting relationship... And now they have me under the judgemental watchful eye of people who are judging me and digging dirt on me to at some point turn around and also try to sue the shit out of me.I was already told they have Lawyers they got behind my back and are ganging up on me to make this Even worse. I've fought through the entire country searching for someone who can give me advice or help or a hand up to escape this fucked up situation just to be offered all kinds of accusations that I Guess for them validate why they refuse to help me, things like oh your just lazy or You're just paranoid that you don't want to leave your just using your parents so you can continue getting high, or whatever the case may be. :( I wouldn't be getting high if I had a support system to trust to believe me and fairly think about and CARE about my real issues worries and facts that make it impossible for me to up and leave the way they would expect someone to be able to do. Someone has already tried several times to physically kill me.. I've tried talking to my mother but she won't listen, she blames and accuses me but I lack the support group and the funds to even be able to leave this situation. It's very very toxic and very painful.

[@seedsoftruth2915]

I understand... I went through a similar situation. And your going to have to really not step back from yourself and situation.. look at the whole situations and sit with it calmly going over everything..find the patterns, or repeating behaviors that you can predict... on a spiritual level it usually is about getting your attention.... so you can gain the experience from the situation by recognizing the patterns and or recognizing all that you learnd from it somehow. And change your reaction ... doing that will send ripple effects throughout the either, and that vibration or frequency you changed will manifest a different experience...if not then your not done learning or your missing somthing. ❤ you can give it a go ... it works for me I hope it helps all that it possibly can..love to all ❤

[@user-ed6qe5bk2x]

I will never forget the one day when he was telling me how bad I am and crazy . That day I said to him that I was not like that and if I am he has made me this way. A week later I separated from him. I had to run with my kid and clothes on my back because he would not let me go, I was terrified and scared he was going to kill me... 10 years of this, I left broken it took me years to recover. I still have baggage I struggle to trust myself in terms of allowing romantic relationships in my life. He seemed like such a nice guy....

[@yaretzycarrera9623]

I’m a musician and have not been able to spend time doing music due to having a baby. Now that he’s 2 , I try to practice after I put him to bed. My husband tells calls me selfish for not prioritizing my son and “wasting “ my time. I feel he’s taken away the one this I really enjoy.

[@OfftoShambala]

My boyfriend has said that to me about gardening. I was looking forward to telling him that once football season started… but, I ended up bringing it up to him recently and he denies he said that. Then I found out that he forgot a bunch of stuff he says.

[@teresaring8049]

Yes thank you for spelling this out. Exactly what you’re saying…it slowly creeps up over the years until you’re emotionally trapped and don’t know how to get out. I had no idea I was in an emotionally abusive relationship until I started hearing about narcissist/ cluster b personality disorders 😢

[@PassionateFlower]

I stayed because I told myself, "Well ive been emotionally abusive to him too."

[@lyrene6029]

Wow, yes. I am currently out of the relationship but am struggling with not going back because I realize that I was emotionally abusive, too. But what's keeping me strong is knowing that it wasn't my default way of engaging with him but more of a defense mechanism.

[@musiclover-cu5jy]

That seems to be a trap thst the abused fall into. Because at some point, you get tired of trying to be calm, trying to fight fair, so you get dragged down to their level of yelling, insulting, ignoring. BUT, that’s just a way of defending yourself from the onslaught of emotional abuse. Don’t fall into the trap of blaming yourself if you know thst you only became that way because nothing else was working.

[@yaretzycarrera9623]

My husband stopped drinking when we had my son. But before he was born, he would become aggressive when drunk and drug me to force me to do things. One time he beat me up so bad , I woke up with bruises and a busted lip. I couldn’t remember anything and saw a bullet hole in the living room. I’m sure that bullet was for me . When I confronted him about it the next day. He dismissed it like it was nothing.

[@melocoton7]

I hope you are leaving him?

[@Mushroom321-]

Yes!!!, it can become a symptom if he/ she feels they have to defend the persons actions. !

[@Mushroom321-]

Yes!!!!, not about it beng a good OR bad person!!& ITS ABOUT IT NEEDING to stop !!!👆👆👆

[@debtalan6255]

Wait, STOP: he WONT TALK TO ME for a COUPLE DAYS, part. Um. Not ok. And definitely in the realm of emotional abuse. If there’s “repair” after, that doesn’t mean this person would feel safe after this! You feel ok about your partner not talking with you for DAYS?!? No.

[@kristinaml143]

@debtalan6255 I literally just heard that part while watching and went to comments to see if anyone else was like,”wait that’s not okay …what!?” That behavior does not seem okay at all. I also don’t think it’s okay to swear to your partner ever. As she said that’s so disrespectful and does nothing to help the relationship

[@lindseykinnersley726]

Thank you!! I get needing a moment, but the silent treatment for two whole days? That's at least emotional immaturity, if not abusive.

[@Mushroom321-]

Correct!!!!😬😲

[@Mushroom321-]

​@kristinaml143 went to the comments to see if someone called it out too!!

[@tanyadepoalo4312]

Thank you for calling that out. Ignoring someone for days IS abuse, my ex would literally ignore me for days and weeks at a time. A few times he ignored me for one day shy of a month. That is giving the silent treatment and that is abuse. We dated for almost 2.5 years but out of that 2.5 years we were actually “together” Maaaybe a total of a year and 7 months because he would break up with me and block me literally every single month several times a month during our entire relationshit.

[@anatfn10]

I didn’t grow up in the states so my view of relationships is different. The person I’ve been seeing for a year has displayed absolute narcissism and emotional abuse but one of the things he likes to say is that if this is real- I must stay with him no matter what because this is how relationships are. I tell him no. Absolutely not. What’s happening here isn’t us fighting occasionally and repairing. I tell him he is absolutely emotionally abusive and that he must leave me alone. He won’t. And you will never catch me saying something like ”fuck off”. As soon as he starts I dismiss myself from the situation.

[@JessieSteffich]

They deliberately try to hurt my feelings because they are feelings were hurt by some thing that was not intentional Wonder sometimes if they’re trying to like have a reason to get upset at me🤷‍♀️ they also like to mirror me ,

[@nyya0509]

“ give me an example” after yelling & berating 😢

[@Mushroom321-]

A thank you !!! Post !!🎉🎉

[@AmaranthineIntrigue]

This was a great video! I appreciated the remarks about not alienating yourself from a victim. I learned this the hard way but thankfully my sister talks to me still, though he takes every opportunity to make me look like a bad amd drive a wedge between us, now I refuse to be around him at all because of the continued fighting he tries to conjure.

[@StormyMonday0896]

I put my foot down and said you will stoo the passive aggressive behavior. I put up with this from my mother and I wont tolerate it in a marriage

[@JessieSteffich]

I was told that I didn’t love or at least I didn’t make them feel loved because I didn’t hear them. Say I love you. And that apparently I slam the door in their face when I didn’t, and apparently I was responsible for bringing up situation about an issue between their sibling and them that has nothing to do with me and. I mean I listened when they brought it up, but apparently it was my responsibility to bring it up. I was also apparently I am at fault for hurting them because I didn’t simply hear them. Say I love you. 🤷‍♀️. And apparently I’m a I am doing everything wrong 🤷‍♀️ and apparently I do things on purpose🤷‍♀️.

[@Mushroom321-]

Yes!!!, great advice !, LISTENING goes a loong!! Way!! To a person !!

[@ScorpionMaiden75]

Thank you for speaking on this topic. I had an ex who did this very thing all the time. It eventually escalated to physical abuse. Some people use bdsm to abuse people emotional as well. Had it happen to me. I never ever considered subtle snide remarks or accidentally situations verbal explosiveness was abuse...

[@ScorpionMaiden75]

Question. I have been seeking emdr for a verbal and physically abusive relationship. I have had two therapists deny me emdr. They claimed it was to keep me safe. Please I am trying to understand why they are refusing this. How is this keeping me safe?

[@nicoledburns82]

My husband yelled at me to shut up in front of s number of people at my kids soccer game, then he got into it with a referee (he's the coach) and decided he quit during the middle if a tournament so the kids had 1 instead of 2 coaches for their final game. I don't know how to talk to him so ive been staying away and being quiet and not really talking g to him. They say the silent treatment is abuse so does that mean I'm the one being emotionally abusive?

[@moneymave8750]

Right. I do this to collect myself and I dont feel that it’s fair to call that abuse if you’re doing it to protect yourself from an already hostile situation

[@musiclover-cu5jy]

I, you are not emotionally abusive. You’re furious and scared and trying to regroup. I’m not a therapist - but please get the heck out of this relationship. You deserve better. Almost anything would be better. Please.

[@Mushroom321-]

No, YOU ARE protecting yourself!!! & i suggest to Share the experience with your friends, family.

[@BrigetteOgden-zs6cv]

Usually the people who question themselves are NOT the abuser in the relationship... Bcuz abusers don’t care enough about anyone to question their actions towards another. They simply don’t care... Quitting in the middle of the game.? Yelling at his wife in front of people. Leaven the kids with one coach. No apology for you disrespecting you in public. Not to mention embarrassing his kid in the game. Abusers abuse to get their own way. That’s all they care about. The song they sing constantly is~ ME ME ME ME ME...🎶 It gets worse with time not better. Take good care of You...🌻

[@Mushroom321-]

At 34 min. I was inspired by the support that you got from her!!, 😊❤ ( i forgot her name) 1st time here

[@critter_paws]

I've struggled about the intentional part for a year now. i have extensive notes and have been using gray rock with occasional fails with reaction. How do you prove intention though? It's so intricate. I'm pretty convinced at this point but it would be so good to have that clear although none of this is clear, i suppose that's the nature of the topic

[@nicoledburns82]

What I'd they constantly said you're over reacting because you have pmdd. Am I really over reacting? How would I know?

[@odysseyofthelinecalligraph4195]

@18:27 I don’t understand the spending too much time on your phone example. Can someone explain this to me please? Thank you.

[@deedlebug6548]

Reactive abuse is what happens (from me to him) when I go through all this emotional abuse. My partner is in prison and I feel like I'm in prison with him. He wants my hair, weight, clothing, makeup, friendships a certain way. I have to answer the phone when he calls. When I don't - why didn't you answer the phone? Gets angry because I don't come visit him every month (2.5 hours away) gets mad that I want to go to concerts, the gym, or other events because that's where guys pick up girls. Always being asked if I'm being faithful. Insists I'm going to take a lie detectors test when he gets out. All I hear is how I don't prioritize him. Make him number 1. But I'm the crazy one. I'm all fucked up in my mind right now. I try to leave and I get sucked back in by guilt trips. He is up for parole in 1.5 years. I can't fathom living with him.

[@sallyfrost5002]

@deedlebug6548 What you have described sounds just like a relationship I escaped about 9 months ago. I kept on excusing his behavior for a variety of reasons. I excused him because he has a diagnoses of autism, I excused him because he had prior bad relationships, I excused him because of his overcontrolling mother, I excused him because he told me his online job was stressful, I excused him because he said the fact that I'm financially poor and can't afford to hire workmen to finish building projects quickly like he can makes me irresponsible and that stresses him, I excused him because he told me that he can't handle stress when he is constipated,drinking coffee, and or forgot to take his vitamin supplements as these things lower his emotional resistance. The list of excuses goes on and on. He would become enraged if I talked to my mom or my friends without his permission. He was mad if I said thank you to a male cashier or if a male came up to us in a restaurant and asked where the bathrooms could be found. If these things happened I was accused of flirting or cheating. I had to answer the phone immediately whenever he called and he would go into a rage if I wasn't in my bedroom when he would call. I wasn't allowed to do any fun activities by myself as he considered that cheating on him. So I couldn't leave the house without his permission. He was mad that I'm working to get my degree through online education as it takes too much time away from him. He was mad that I refused to sell my house that I own and love because it's not in a posh neighborhood like his and it requires that I maintain it with basic maintenance. I kept on staying because there were occasional good times and I figured if I just worked harder on the relationship I could make him act nice all the time. I stayed because I figured his intentions were good even if he was hurting me and so I figured all of his bad behavior towards me was just a big mistake on his part. I figured if he got therapy we could just work it out. I thought that if he wasn't calling me names or getting physically violent with me then it wasn't abuse when he would scream with his face close to mine and wave his fists dangerously close to me through the air. I thought his breaking stuff with his fists when enraged was okay because that's not the same as hitting me. I tried harder to make things work and did all of his chores and mine to make life less stressful for him. The more chores I did for him the more he found to go into rages about. In the end he took out his heavy orthodic shoe and hit me on my bare leg. The top of my leg was black from the bruise for two months. By the time he hit me I had a hard time recognizing that it was abuse because I was so used to excusing him due to my belief that his behavior is all an accident and his intentions are all good. I left him more because I felt unsafe rather than because I recognized him hitting me was abuse. This is brainwashing at it's finest! If you are with a man who treats you this way I beg you to recognize it is abuse and you must think of yourself because it will only get worse and you will get more confused and helpless as time goes on. The most important thing to remember is if you leave you must convince them to be the final one to break off the relationship or they will see you as their runaway slave they have to catch. I strongly recommend that victims pretend they have obcessive compulsive disorder due to the onset of anxiety and talk in incessant mindless circles that go nowhere for hours on end about subjects that drive the abuser crazy. Try of course to do this by phone from a safe place away from the abuser. I did this and convinced him we were no longer compatible and it worked. I got a breakup text from him and haven't heard a peep from him since then. If they don't like you picking your nose then start doing it all the time. Long unending text messages and voicemail messages are a blessing in these situations that can really fool your abuser into thinking you're unhinged and not worth their time and effort. Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.

[@tanyadepoalo4312]

Get out of that relationshit, seriously he will not change when he gets out of prison. He will control you even more once he’s home. He sounds like a Narcissistic personality disordered person. He will ruin your life. Look at how he is behaving now and he’s in prison, he clearly is not doing anything to better himself. Get out, he will not change, he will only get worse. He will destroy you. Look at his behavior, his patterns, how he treats you, how YOU FEEL. Don’t ignore the red flags. Look up Dr. Ramini on KZbin she is a great resource for personality disordered insight. 🙏🏽

[@ashleykathryn9038]

If their emeshed with a family member and spend equal or more time with them then you, is it abusive to point that out and ask for more time? He calls me co-dependent, and it's a me problem, but I'm tired of feeling single and left alone on holidays.

[@annc.3908]

Is there a part 2 where you give advice on how to fix this in a relationship or is it purely over? I’ve been dealing with an alcoholics one side being this way for over 8 years now. I’ve left my career because he wanted to start a business and we could ‘move on’ but looking back it feels like that was a way to cut me off. I’ve been friendless for 6 years now. I’m sitting in my car at 3:45am cause I can’t go inside out of fear. The 6 months of sober him after the detox was optimistic then he decided on his birthday to start drinking again. Less than a year after that (14 months after detox) I’m back in my car with broken items all over the house. Gaslighting. Extreme. The ‘him’ tmro will be like, I didn’t do that you’re lying… I know the answer. I guess it’s just hard to move on. This won’t ever end will it?

[@michelleflores2047]

The data shows that there is only a 5% success rate for an abuser to change. It doesn't matter what type of abuse it is.

[@ChantelleLaPointe]

Im so sorry you are being forced to endure this pain ❤ Please reach out for help. You don't have to do this alone. Look for your angels...they are there. Blessings.

[@Ninsidhe]

You know in your heart it won’t. You need to work on your own codependency and wellbeing. Also, it’s helpful to record their ranting and raving on your phone in your pocket or even out in the open if they don’t observe it, it saved my sanity to be able to listen to recordings and know that I *wasn’t* imagining anything. The gaslighting is deliberate and incredibly harmful.

[@melocoton7]

IMO never try to fix an abusive relationship. Live is too short for that. Leave and be happy. Let them figure it out in their own time. Not on your time.

[@tanyadepoalo4312]

He could have narcissistic personality disorder. Research Dr. Ramini on KZbin she is a great resource.

[@thewholeisticpodcastpodcas219]

Very enlightening, do you believe only one person can be emotionally abusive in a relationship?

[@mermaidlalala]

For me I think if a person is being abused emotionally they eventually start abusing back. I got stonewalled so bad for so long I'd start stonewalling. And he'd be so troubled by my communicating my needs and finally I stopped trying but I started exhibiting controlling behavior as a desperate attempt to get the love back he used to so easily give me. So I think most parties so abuse one another because after so long you start living the pattern.

[@LiveConcertJunkie]

@@mermaidlalala I do think this does happen but again over time. My recent ex was very emotionally abuse throughout our relationship and would constantly give me put downs especially in front of other people to shame me. There was this huge part of me that wanted to do this back to her as sort of revenge or “let’s see how she likes it” but I had to constantly remind myself that this wasn’t right. I recognized how she was acting wasnt right and that me acting in the same way wouldn’t have been right either. It’s easy to fall into this habit tho and it was hard to avoid it but in the end I am happy I did and was able to end the relationship. I feel much better about my character and now that im free from her and her constant fucking remarks and put downs. I do need to work on my remaining resentment though 😂

[@odysseyofthelinecalligraph4195]

@@mermaidlalala yes! I believe it’s called reactive abuse.

[@shannonsherman8356]

Well in Canada now you can use being intoxicated as a violent crime defence. Talk about feeding abuse! 😢

[@Jess-wk5jo]

I have questions for you over affairs and cheating. If i was dating Morgan i starting seeing my ex boyfriend Stephen start to make emotional attachment to Stephen i when i know him from school to college by texting him and meeting up and talking to Stephen on phone and thinking about him and watching films with him without never never having no sex ? Is it emotional cheating

[@i3mma]

It could be considered a form of emotional cheating. Emotional cheating typically refers to developing strong/deeper emotional connections with someone outside of a committed relationship, while not engaging in any physical intimacy. Infidelity is also personal, what one think is infidelity another person dont. If you feel you can have a healthy, platonic relationship with your ex. + Morgan is okay with it. Self awareness + transparency + honesty + boundaries is probably best policy. In what way are you "thinking about him"? I feel that makes me think you are not over him.

[@KimHeiseArt]

I think it might be called an “emotional affair”? In my opinion (I’m not a therapist) I think how your partner feels about it also factors in. I can see how a partner would feel uncomfortable about you having a friendship with someone you were romantically involved with in the past. I don’t think there is something objectively wrong with being friends with an ex, but might come down to how you negotiate that with your partner

[@Jess-wk5jo]

@@i3mma I have question for you over affairs. All i what know if i can have affair without having no sex?😊

[@Jess-wk5jo]

@@i3mma i feel it not cheating i will never never having no sex ps i have austim too i am girl not interested in sex just romantic things like texting and talking to them on phone Hugging Kissing Holding hands Watching films Laughing with stephen without never never having no sex

[@emangrabogadi4613]

Yes it’s cheating and it’s even more damaging than physical cheating aka sex because of the intent. I’m healing from this and it’s very difficult because the cheater always finds a way to downplay it like you are talking.. “like she is just a friend, that was just for fun”- and the continuation of doing what hurts your partner is also a form of emotional abuse according to me because you constantly gaslight them to a point they can accept the toxic behaviours. If you need to have an emotional affair or attachment with an ex, then let your current partner go and be with that ex and not hurt people.

[@cherylemehiser4420]

Do you find it common that the abuser tells the non abuser that they’ve done things to them that emotionally affected them which made them neglect and drink and so much more.? And when the abuser is getting clean, has been diagnosed with complex ptsd, was mostly dependent on me for many things, and needed validation but didn’t love himself. He’s working in things, but can a brain wired to manipulate and control situations to get its needs met require? Can it be a safe relationship at all? I am a strong willed woman and been putting boundaries down the whole time and was looking at the Bible for a Godly idea of what a marriage can look like and his idea of how I judged him was never enough.. he started out as more of a Godly partner but then it got twisted and turned and so much more terrible than I could have imagined. Can it be safe with work? Or will the brain constantly be a controlling manipulative scenario?

[@tanyadepoalo4312]

He sounds like he may have Narcissistic personality disorder. They do not change, research this disorder. Dr. Ramini on KZbin is a great source of information.

[@acutiff7125]

I have a question between abuse and boundaries… In the example around 15 min where you say something like “if you go to yoga class, it’s so late, I thought you wanted to prioritize time together, are you sure you want a relationship”? Then withdraw warmth if they proceed with the class. I guess I’m confused how this is abuse? It seems like a boundary which is heathy. My understanding of boundaries is it doesn’t control the other persons behavior but it is meant to control your own to meet your own needs and uphold standards for what you want in a relationship. If someone needs quality time and their partner is constantly scheduling classes during their time together then I think it’s reasonable and healthy to not tell them they can’t go but rather say “I need quality time and if you are not able to meet those needs then I will need to withdraw my warmth and affection to protect my heart and energy” This sounds like a boundary and not abuse to me so I’m confused by this example.

[@Kinteresting]

That example is less of a healthy boundary and more an example of coercive control. Anything that involves withdrawing affection as essentially an act of punishment is a very subtle sounding but vastly different mechanism in practice than having a healthy conversation where two people have input, and make plans or compromise to meet halfway or find other ways to spend time together. Withdrawing affection, energy or warmth in response to a partner going to a yoga class, doing any sort of self care activity that involves their own personal relationship with self ESPECIALLY to me would red flag punishment of that as abusive or controlling on the other persons part. However even if someone simply wants alone time that doesn’t need to have a rationale or excuse. But of course there’s balance and conversation that can come in deciding on together time also. This example however is a very very clear example of coercive control and manipulative strategies to get one’s way or control a partners behavior. Being on both the receiving (and giving!) end of this sort of behavior in my past before doing a LOT of healing work- it’s difficult to spot, difficult to deal with, and nearly impossible to resolve unless the person acting in this way has done some work on their own attachment style. Usually anxious types or fearful avoidants employ these strategies and they are very different from boundaries - they are control tactics and thinly veiled ultimatums/punishments/power games. And not healthy or productive for either party. Some healthy modifications of this could be provided but understanding the root of why this is a problem or being used in the first place is the more pressing issue, i would think.

[@samanthabesse9859]

🖤😭

[@christinamartinez1272]

My therapist will plug her ears and say, "la la la I'm not listening." If I ever say things she doesn't like

[@kelseydavidson569]

What?! That's kind of insane

[@4seasons546]

Gosh get that on tape just so you ( or others) know your not hallucinating! Lol 😆 Also then change therapists asap! Defiantly seems the therapist that plugs here ears & says lalalalal !?!?!? Outrageous! Dismissive of you & your thoughts totally NOT ok. is not qualified to be one!

[@jennygibbons1258]

Run! Why are you still paying for low-key abuse by a 3yr old child?

[@user-ku5vm5jb1h]

Actually girls, they do measure intent when someone commits a crime or hits someone with their car when considering punishment…. I stopped listening after that part bc I don’t think you sound well rounded.

[@audreynicoletti7329]

You could said f word not the whole word . Thats a disgusting word.