Just by doing this video and talking about it is a great beginning. Being able to talk about it and hear what other people have been through is a wonderful thing. I think this is a great idea

I relate to the throwing things out gving a high lmao... I have attributed that to Having those tendencies rather than Not having them though. It is scary to throw things out but its also Good-- like a roller coaster lol. I am glad i found this video because i think i need these tips orz

I am 29, my mother is a narcissistic hoarder. I believed she could do no wrong and the world "just didn't understand her" my whole life until I had my first child at age 27 and I was NOT okay. I went to therapy with a 4 week old baby and that is where I learned the truth. The mother I thought I had was dead. I still visit the house I grew up in for visits and it is so triggering. My therapist told me I am a very repressed person. I could never get angry at her growing up because she would gaslight me and make me feel even more guilty that "she works so hard for this family..." I also feel very alone in this unique pain and shame. I still have nightmares about showering in a disgusting moldy shower as well. The rage I feel that there is no justice on this side of earth for the disrespect to her family is intense. The confusion as well, knowing she does love me, makes it so frustrating.

Wow, you're so pretty

I so appreciate you. I've been trying to understand how having a hoarding parent has affected me. I feel much less alone now that i found your channel. Cheers to you for being vulnerable and sharing.

Thank you so much for your sharing story. I am adult but I grown up with family hoarder problem for long. I have no friend I was so shy. But these days the hoarder topic got more discussion. I might be my time to open the wound from my past. 😊 I am happy listening your story. I am not in country use English then might hard to understand. Really thank you ❤

I have some similar experiences as a child. Growing up with a complete but dysfunctional family, I'm the middle child and only girl and my two brothers didn't learn how to clean or even offer help. I do hate clutter and dirt and even if I'm the only one studying then because my brothers stopped studying for some reason, I still had to make time during days I didn't have school just to do some general cleaning in the apartment my family was renting. My mother was busy making money and I don't remember her gave time to clean the house and was also a hoarder. My father worked abroad and when he gets home, he brought mistresses and was abusive and he's a hoarder too. My family was so fvcked up that when I graduated and started making money, the effects is still here with me and I like fought hard to my mother just to not live with my brothers again after our father left. My two brothers doesn't have a job and the youngest was diagnosed with severe depression. I also do not like the fact that my mother told me it was my responsibility if she's gone so I'll be left taking care of the youngest which sounded to be her favorite child. So I felt more pressure in my life. They were neglectful parents. I live alone now for over 3 years and struggling much worse, I cannot even motivate myself sometimes and there are times I suddenly get a burst of energy and cleaning non-stop and then once done I cannot seem to appreciate it sometimes because I feel like it's still not clean enough but then I'm already feeling exhausted and feeling bad for myself. I'm positive to be traumatized by living in a cluttered and filthy space and was also SA by own male family members and so a psychiatrist assessed I have PTSD. I've been struggling for being a hoarder myself for 3 years now and there are times I wake up and feel anxious about my stuff so I just started decluttering this year but I still get so overwhelmed and exhausted oftentimes (which my younger self didn't have issues with). I haven't gone therapy yet since I'm still in denial of my own situation. Just hope we can all get through this.

I relate to your story a lot :(. I never fully aknowledged just how bad my trauma living with a hoarder parent actually was until recently talking about it with my therapist, I also realized a lot of things about my childhood that i thought were normal but really weren't... Like the shame of having people over or just having them look inside the house, being worried i smell nice, triple checking if food's actually edible and not rotten, cockroaches all over... It's hard. I'd always tried to at least have a "safe space" in my room where I could have it all clean and nice, but It got to the point where my hoarder parent invaded that space too (even though i did everything to not let it happen) and it got all incredibly messy again. I'm 18 and I'm working on getting myself out of this situation rn, but it's just really difficult when I feel like I'm the only person who can "help" or at least do something about it, especially with my parents being divorced and my brother living abroad. I feel very alone in this situation sometimes 💔💔

Im a capybara just chillin with the gators today

It’s wild, I am co-dependent when I have a partner because they can’t leave me, as they are my escape. But also I can’t ever trust them when they say it’s okay that the home looks like this, I can’t ever believe them. And resentment of my parents good god

I have learned one big lasting effect from growing up with hoarder parent was , I developed severe anxiety attacks when things in my home start to accumulate . I go through my home and get rid of things till I calm . I also understand the overwhelming feeling of the way I look and smell. I would scrub my skin raw trying to feel clean

This hits home all too well , It got to a point where I had to block that parent from my life and I was doing better but recently my non-hoarder parent had a 3rd stroke and had no where to go cause the home they worked decades for was no longer livable or safe due to the hoarding parent . My spouse and I took in my non-hoarder parent . Not sure what to do cause my non hoarder parent really wants to go home but can't due to the hoarder parent is at a point where the home is the worst I have ever seen in . I grew up with hoarding parent having to deal with it on my own cause my hoarding parent. alienated everyone with their narcissistic ,negative behavior towards others. The only thing that got me through it was my sense of humor .

Thank you for being so open and vulnerable in this video. I was searching videos related to children of hoarders because I've come to the realization that I am deeply unhappy with how I keep my space and I want to change that. I live with my brother and its apparent that our parents did not adequately teach either of us good housekeeping habits because we both struggle with mess and organization. Funnily enough I had this video on as I am in the process of deep cleaning our kitchen, as it hasn't been properly cleaned in the 5 years we've both lived here. A lot of the points you said about anger shame really resonated with me so much I had to pause so I could process the sudden rush of emotions I felt hearing someone else verbalize them. I still have a lot of shame about my childhood home and my mother's hoarding and I just recently opened up to my bf about it because he would keep trying to help me tidy and give me pointers when he came over which I felt incredible shame at. I am currently trying to fight depression and anxiety by cleaning for the sake of making my space easier for me to live in, not just for guests. The anxiety induced cleaning you described felt so validating to hear from another person. (the first time my bf came over i panic deep cleaned the entire house for three days straight) Right now I am trying to set myself up to form healthier housekeeping habits. I know a lot of this isnt really relevant to the video but I wanted to share my appreciation for you sharing, and it is reassuring to see other people in the comments sharing their own stories too. The road to self-improvement and better health is long and tedious but worth the effort.

I'm so happy for you! So glad you've gotten to heal as much as you have, and I hope you continue to do so! I am still sadly trapped in my abusive hoarder parents' home, but I always hope I'll get out someday! If you can do it, hope I can, too! Thanks a lot for this vid! I have been wondering lately if my shifting/worsening fears/phobias of being dirty and stuff comes from living where I do. Would make sense! ;A; I also realized I dissociated a lot when I was younger, still do now, but even more intensely and for longer. It's kinda scary! Glad to know it's not just me! I'm turning my wild imagination into writing! I've wanted to be an author since I was little and am working on my first novel! Best of luck with your acting! I think you'll be AWESOME! >:D <3

Can relate to this my father was a super hoarder who was in denial about his problem it was so bad that the fire department ended up issuing a vacate order on our home because of his hoarding and we ended up homeless even after we ended up in the shelter system my dead kept hoarding and we got kicked out of one shelter because of it think God my dad hoarding didn't start until I was 19 but it ruined my 20s regardless as I stilled live at home because I couldn't to move out for years I thought I was the only one thanks for being brave enough to tell your story you made me feel less alone

ALSO, sorry if random, but from one (aroace) girl to another, you're SO FREAKING PRETTY, like, DAMN! When I first pulled up this vid, I had to pause it for a second (and throughout the video) 'cause I was like, DAMNNN, dude, you're BEAUTIFUL! I know it might be hard to believe it, espec from a stranger on the internet, but WOWWW, you go, girl! You're rockin' it! <3

Also, just wanna say that I'm SO PROUD OF YOU for realizing what was happening and RUNNING AWAY?? Like, at first, when you said you ran away, I was concerned, but I'm SO HAPPY you went to your godmother's and were SAFE, and you probs got to see what a REAL maternal figure was like and how a NORMAL PERSON lived, and I'm sure it was SO AMAZING for you! I'm SO happy you found a wonderful therapist, too, and I'm even HAPPIER that you've NEVER GONE BACK! You ESCAPED, you SURVIVED, you're THRIVING, and I'm SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU! And HAPPY for you! It's SUCH a success story, yk, considering all the crap you went through, and I PRAY that can be me someday! You're an inspiration! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story! <3

Okay, so my mom is a hoarder, and it drives me and my sibs (and my dad) NUTS! Dad and I were just secretly discussing it today! UGHH! But HOLY SHIT, honey, I am SO SORRY you had to go through that shit. Like, Jesus, my mom drives us crazy, espec me (ISTFG, her shit is turning me into...not a minimalist, I feel like that goes too far, but like, more the Japanese style of ONLY having what you actually use and need, no extra BS), but she was never THIS BAD, like not TLC show-level bad, not even close, but YOUR parent?? I KNOW it's not a competition, but I feel like I have no right to complain after hearing this shit! X'D X'P We keep the house MOSTLY clean (we clean and do laundry every week), BUT my mom fills ALL corners and cabinets and closets and 5 sheds and a 2-car garage and EVERY LITTLE NOOK AND CRANNY she can with SHIT! SO much of it has been there for 30+ YEARS, but she won't let us touch any of it and REFUSES To go through it herself! She SAYS she needs to, but she never does (even though she's been retired for years at this point and totally could), and if we try (even if we try to get rid of OUR STUFF in our OWN ROOMS), she REFUESES to let us, actually YELLS at us! It can get ugly, so we basically don't even bother anymore (I figure I'll do it secretly if she goes on vacation or smth at some point)! It SUCKSSS! (I have SO MUCH SHIT in my room I would KILL to get rid of! Bro, too! The ONLY REASON my bro got to get rid of stuff she'd forced him to hold onto for YEARS was when he moved out 'cause he HAD to get rid of it 'cause he didn't want to take it with him (moving in with fiancee, HATED the clutter/hoarding, NEEDED to separate himself from it - he's DEFINITELY a minimalist now, LMAO)!) Like, YIKES, man! It's SO HARD to live with! I was just telling my dad this morning that I FANTASIZE about going through everything and just making this house clean and TIDY and look SO DAMN GOOD, the way it DESERVES to look and COULD if she would just STOPPP! X'D But instead, what does she do? She was asked to do a temp assignment for her old boss, and she brought home CARLOADS (multiple!) of shit we DO NOT WANT OR NEED! T___T (Also, your comment about sleeping with that parent?? HOLY FUCK, I unfortunately know that feel well, and it always made me feel SO uncomfortable and gross! I HATED being forced to sleep with my mom! Still remember not being able to sleep and lying there TERRIFIED that I was going to have her wake up and yell at me in the middle of he night! UGHHHH! ;A;) </3

Gayla has a super pretty and soothing voice.

Wow! One of the most courageous videos I've seen. Thanks!

Hello Gayla, I enjoyed listening to your story... only because I relate so deeply. "I will never get clean" ... holy shit. This is how I feel. Dirty on the inside. Like I'm out of the hoard house, but the hoard house isn't out of me. A label that I have thought of, to try to describe how I see myself compared to how I see others, is "scarecrow". Whereas other people are teeming with life, I am somehow "inert", a husk of a person, empty of any real value. I am slowly learning that it's in fact quite the opposite, but it has taken enormously painful experiences to arrive at that understanding, and I'm still not fully "there" yet. I understand the clogged shower story all too well. When something broke in the house, instead of being fixed while it still _could be_ fixed, the problem would get worse until it was unfixable. We had a clogged sink with a little tub in it to catch the water so it could be emptied outside because water literally would not drain, not even slowly. So, dishes had to be done in that little tub, but the reality was that dishes weren't really done at all. My twin brother and I would just reuse our dishes as much as possible, wash them in the bathtub upstairs, etc... the kitchen sink's default state was "full of dishes"... rather, overflowing with dishes, food, moldy scummy water. We had come to describe the whole house like that: The "default state" is filth. Whereas other people have clean houses that get a little dirty so they clean it again, our house was a dirty house that would sometimes get a little clean, and then back to dirty again. Our room was the only safe haven, the only place where we had any control. The rest of the house was a wasteland, prone to the entropy of our hoarding parent. It's amazing how long it takes for us to start to realize "oh my God.... that _wasn't my fault_ ". And then still, even to this day, getting triggered into a "fight or flight" state when someone knocks on the door, feeling this perpetual feeling of having "something to hide". And, it is totally okay that this is a depressing video. I'm sure people that have gone through similar experiences actually find comfort in hearing your story and relating. Also, it is uplifting that you are going to therapy and processing your trauma. I am coming to realize just how important it is, in healing our wounds and ensuring that our repressed hurt doesn't someday hurt others.

I am straightla, but we can stil be friends.

Im only 3 minutes in and wow. Im 28 now and for my whole life have struggled with what others think no matter how much I tell myself it doesnt matter. Although I have made some progress, something deep within me feels like a lot is on the line. When I was young and in elementary school, I was pulled out of class by social workers every once in a while asking questions about my home. The first time i was probably 6 or 7, they asked me what I liked and brought me a gift basket with dolls and other things. When I brought it home, my mother panicked. She told me those people were bad and wanted to take me away so I would have to lie about what was going on at home. For several years after that we would get visits from CPS to do a walk through of the home. My family would scramble to get the home as clean and presentable as possible in the notice period before the visit, and would coach us kids on what to say to the social workers. I was never taken away, and the visits stopped after a while despite things getting worse. Today, I dont have a relationship with my mother because Im still in a lot of pain from the chronic neglect, and she isnt very capable of true connection as she is so disassociated from reality, she lives in a fantasy to stay alive. The good news is that almost 5 years ago I embarked on my healing journey and have overcome so much. However the work never seems to end. Thank you for your videos on surviving what you went through. I am not seeing a ton of resources on this! Like you said in your other video, I have blocked out a lot from childhood and your videos, as triggering as they are for me, are helping me heal. Thank you !

She seem to be suffering from Anxiety Disorder.

Now we know why a woman needs a man.

Thanks for sharing. I didn't realize I wasn't in this type of situation.

My Mum would always tell us that everyone's house looked like this, and they just cleaned it up before people came over. I'm very lucky that we always rented, so the extent of the mess was usually just clothes, lack of cleaning, and random things everywhere. Never genuine trash or anything that smelled. But I was always paranoid to leave my room because of the dirt, bugs, and stuff all over couches (there was rarely anywhere to sit not covered in something). I never wanted to clean outside my room because the base state of everything was just disgusting, especially in the kitchen. I've developed what is likely OCD around germs because of the bugs and half-assed washing of dishes. We always had to rinse plates and cutlery before using, because if they didn't have some bit of food or grime stuck on them, they'd probably had a cockroach or two. I touch a surface or even one of my pets and feel unclean. I can't stand the feeling of the "contamination" on my hands and have to carry hand sanitiser everywhere to remedy it. I'm still living there unfortunately because the housing crisis, cost of living, and awful job market makes it impossible to move out at 19. We had a house inspection only a week ago, and I'm getting flak for wanting to have a friend over next weekend for the first time in over a decade. All because we have to clean again and Dad's gotta work an extra day to pay for my Mum's Afterpay debt 😐

Heartbreaking, you didn't deserve this. As a consequence of growing up with a hoarder parent, I am now a minimalist. I love the fact that my house is almost empty. A bit cold in winter and lots of eco, but it's worth it.

What are former sons of hoarders like and what do they feel bs the ladies? (Cisgendered folx. My bf is dealing with his hoarder mom. I might if I marry him.)

My 86 year old mother is a level 3-4 hoarder. In my opinion, she is also a passive aggressive, covert narcissist. She was physically and emotionally abused by her alcoholic father. I feel bad for her, but I had to go no contact for my own well being.

I appreciate you sharing these thoughts, all of your thoughts so much. I think you're great!

Good for you for being so brave! Talking about these things will hopefully help a lot of people.

It’s heartbreaking seeing such a beautiful person (not just physically but emotionally in strength) think they’re anything other than that.

you are so brave for sharing your story & im glad i found this video to not feel so alone. trying to heal from the trauma of growing up with family members that hoard feels like such a lonely process. i don’t have many people in my life that share this experience besides my siblings. thank you for sharing💗

You have an ASMR voice!

I became a hoarder from living that way and I am trying to get out of it.

I can definitely relate to the feeling of not feeling clean enough and also gaining weight and taking on the personalities of the parent. Losing identity through that.

I feel so sorry for you! My step father wasnt a hoarder but very strong heavy smoker. So i got comments even from teachers that i personally or my homework (paper, school supplies) smell like cigarettes. And that made me never feel clean as well. My clothes would never recover from the smell of cigarettes, even after washing it or spraying it with perfume. And i never wanted anyone to come to visit me at my home because of that smoke. I enveloped massive hate for cigarettes and smokes. I still get very aggressive whenever i smell someone smoking near me. I really get angry and i kinda wonder why i get so emotional every time. It is probably because i needed to hide the fact that the smell bothered me very much, because the rule was “i am the parent and i can decide if i smoke here or not”. So many unprocessed and suppressed emotions over so many years. And i am 22 now. Today i have a cleaning obsession in my own home and i feel like it is never really clean enough. I also have a perfume addiction, i dont know if that comes from that but i never leave the house without overspraying myself with expensive perfume. And i pay way too much on that stuff. Always afraid that i dont have enough perfume on stock. Just because i never want to feel like my 10 year old self again, embarrassed for my smell. I think in some way i really can relate to you. Much love to you

You are literally the most beautiful woman I've ever seen

This is wonderful

worst part of the shame is that u never talk about it even in therapy. u feel like you are the problem u never adress it. you feel disgusted with yourself. you are playing goalkeeper to defend the parents abuse

it ruined my life my parents hoarding have destroyed everything for me

Thank you for sharing!! I am SO sorry that this was a big part of your childhood experience. I definitely grew up in a very messy/borderline hoarder environment and didn’t have friends over often. I am a mom with children now and I am still unlearning the holding on to things. Striving for minimalism and healthy living for my babies. I’m finally learning how to clean/ organize and take care of my house and family better than I was ever taught. All with Gods grace he has brought me through this all. Hearing your story brought back all the sad, gross feelings and memories. It’s hard growing up in that environment. Hugs!!!!!!! But for anyone out there living in that environment I would encourage you to not be discouraged. Practice cleaning / organizing for 20 min. a day in any area in the house (starting with your own space, and make it a habit forever. watch minimalism videos like minimal mom ( I think she’s called, on KZbin), Get really good at making cleaning a habit and it will catch on and make a difference to your life!!. Also there are options where you can safely call a compassionate cleanup service for hoarders and they can help. I know that’s probably a hard one to make happen, but it’s there as an option. (In case you don’t know. Just trying to help in any way possible.) I finally almost have a home that is completely organized and working on getting our garage to be empty and only have camping and outdoor activities things and tools for my husband in there. Long comment but praying for all of you who are in the middle of this right now out there for hope , peace, courage, strength, and a good future❤❤❤

I think those fears are healthy! It keeps us from repeated the mistakes we grew up with!

This was my life. Both of my parents were hoarders. I don't know how I had the luck to get a double dose of it. They hoarded different things though. The entire upstairs of our house was inaccessible and full of junk piled to the ceiling. The stairs were covered in junk. The spot in front of the stairs was full of junk. You couldn't see the back of the washer and dryer because their was stuff on top of them all the way to the ceiling. My parents master bath was also turned into another closet just like yours. Only one of the 3 bathrooms in the house was accessible. In the one bathroom we had there were clothes hanging on the shower curtain rod and back of the door so that you couldn't close the shower curtain and there were clothes in the shower with you. The door of the bathroom wouldn't close either due to the over the door attachments with heavy clothes on them. You couldn't open our front door (the main door) because there were so many coats behind it. When things broke in our home, they were not fixed. Basic maintenance was neglected. We went without a water heater for almost a year. Our refrigerator also broke. It was me as a teen who ended up cleaning it out, not my parents. We probably didn't have a working refrigerator for years. There was so much mold in our house. At one point there was a bee hive somewhere in the house. So many mice and bugs. I was never allowed to throw anything away. My father would take bags of trash out of the trash dumpster and bring them to one of the 4 sheds instead of letting me throw them away. What still gets me years later is the smell. My brother sold that house and had to pay for 18 construction dumpsters of stuff to be removed before it could be sold. My parents separated and both moved out of that unlivable house and went to wreck 2 new separate houses with their hoarding (which they have now done). As a teen I was very upset about the house and would get into fights with my parents about it. They also saw me as the problem. I never realized that living in that environment was abuse until recently now that I have my own children. The worst part is that people knew and no one ever thought to rescue me.

living with my parents the house was just filled with so much clutter. I barely had space for me. My room was their closet so I didn’t have any privacy or a chance to feel safe or comfortable. The kitchen never was a kitchen just a gigantic library of random things. Resulting in me not feeling comfortable in eating. Skinnier I got more I felt insecure when comments on my weight or appearance. I just felt so insecure and ashamed of my existence. I felt overlooked and disgusting. Living there I felt disgusted. Everything I see even tho I no longer live there I feel and see disgust like everything is contaminated. Endless cycle of not feeling comfortable like chronically uncomfortable. I live alone and still afraid of someone bussing through the door never knocking it’s like living life constantly on constant edge. Noticing the smallest things like a speck of dirty and instantly feel disgusting. I go on purges of just throwing away all my possessions because it reminds me of living there.

Brand new to your channel my gut telling me your a leo?

I'm so sorry you went through this. It definitely is abuse. I'm so glad you left at 18 and haven't been back since.

My mom had chronic illness and was a mild hoarder. She never kept trash, but she used my bathroom shower as a closet, and even stored some of her things in my room. Yes, I deeply understand the feeling of carried shame. She was also heavily medicated and slept most the day, and was up all night. That was our big secret. I never had friends growing up because I was too ashamed to get close to anyone. I was also homeschooled, so I never got any respite except when my parents chose to take us out for dinner. If you're seeking community, I highly recommend going to an Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting. They accept anyone that grew up in a dysfunctional house due to addictions, mental conditions, etc. They focus on grieving and recovering from carried shame through community. It's free and it's a lifesaver.

I guess you’re not making vlogs any more. I really appreciate what you did. Thank you. 🙏 Hope you’re well. 💖💝❤️