Loneliness (Lasting Effect From Growing Up With A Hoarder Parent)

✨ Hello everyone! ✨
Today I’m focusing just on loneliness.
I’ve recently felt so alone about EVERYTHING in my life and after focusing on this in therapy I had some thoughts I wanted to share with you all.
If you feel safe/open, I'd love it if you could comment down below if you experience loneliness as well.
I’m so grateful to each and everyone of you who has watched these videos and commented to shared with your own experiences and struggles (or not ^.^).
We can bring unity through a trauma that can make us otherwise feel alone!
Thank you for holding/sharing space with me... until next time! 💕
-G
PS: Sorry for any typos in captions! I tried Haha
(You can follow me on instagram: @gayla_kay to communicate with me!)
Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:17 Loneliness about everything
1:52 “People Aren’t Safe”
3:55 “I Will Be A Burden”
5:09 “Secrecy & Hiding” (wearing a mask)
6:28 Loneliness Of The Hoarder
7:24 Working On Opening Up
8:56 Healing Takes Time
9:50 Understanding One Another
11:23 ~Until Next Time~

[@saoirseward8240]

I never thought I would find someone who understands. I’ve kept this secret for years of living with a parent who is a hoarder. I’m 20 now and I still feel stuck. I’m going to college and trying really hard because I want to escape. Thank you for sharing your story. Our experience growing up is so scarily accurate.

[@gaylakay4132]

Saoirse, thank you so much for watching and commenting with empathy! The fact that even though you're feeling stuck, you are making a real effort to get yourself into a better position and trying hard in college is amazing. Thats some real self awareness to know you want/deserve a better situation and are going after it. That is awesome! So thankful you understand me! Sending all my best!! :)

[@jonnypeatersons]

Hey Saoirse just sending you some love and strength, you can do it, you can escape and thrive in life, however long it takes, I believe in you

[@Shawna12321]

There is a community for people who grew up like us on Reddit! Come join!

[@cassieclipse009]

Never able to shake this vast feeling of loneliness. Even when I’m surrounded by people. Even if I have good friends at the time. Everything you said in this completely resonated with me and made me realize a lot. So comforting to hear I’m not the only person who feels like this because of my childhood trapped in a hoarder house. I hate how I hold everyone at arms length, how I listen to my friends whenever they need me but always think I’m tough enough I can take it, and keep my own feelings a secret. My mom was the only one I confided in as a child. And I was the only one she fully confided in. I felt an unspoken responsibility to protect her and be her emotional support system because she was the only emotional support I had. She was afraid to exist financially without my dad and but also afraid to seek a way out of his hoarder house and possibly lose me because of the situation. Then just a couple years after I was able to move out I ended up losing her to cancer. I’ve never been the same since. And you saying that it takes years and years to work thru trauma like that gave me hope. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully feel. But hearing your experience has brought me some serious hope that I can at least try to work through it taking things one day at a time.

[@ithacacomments4811]

My mother is most likely a person on the autism spectrum. She has struggled with organizational tasks her and my whole life. She is 93 and I am 73....her oldest daughter. Now that she is a resident of a nursing home the hoarding behaviors have intensified. She stuffs her closet, drawers, pockets....everything with whatever she can get her hands on. The nursing home staff have told us that if we don't keep "the stuff" under control....they will have to take items away. As her children, we do our best ....it is so so so very hard to be patient and loving and yet use tough love to keep her clean and safe.

[@gaylakay4132]

"...it is so so so very hard to be patient and loving and yet use tough love to keep her clean and safe." Absolutely. Sending love to you 💕

[@ithacacomments4811]

@@gaylakay4132 My mother passed away in April More relief than grief for me. She struggled with so much mentally and physically in her lifetime.

[@dogdonut3]

​@ithacacomments4811 I'm sorry for your loss. Yes, a relief sometimes, but still tough to go though. Hope you have love and support in your life to help you. ❤️ to you and hope you do well.

[@kite6864]

my mom is in a nursing home now. she has to limit the hoarding because she shares a room with someone and the facility wouldn't let it get out of control, but it's still there. her closet is full to the brim, under the bed, on the bed. when I visit her she'll start to give me bags of stuff that I end up having to throw away because I don't have room or a need for it.

[@allicat6256]

Thank you for this video, it really makes me feel understood in this situation :) I’m a teenager, still living in a hoarded house. I totally relate to the whole situation of not opening up. The few times I have opened up (usually when I was younger), I just get met with a bunch of jokes, “you should clean that up”, or even a “you’re so lucky you barely have any chores!”, followed by a rant over vacuuming the floor. I really wish I could meet someone in real life who has gone through the same things. Living with a hoarder is such an isolating experience, because it’s born out of secrets. Even if someone else does go through it, who’s going to say it first? Nobody.

[@gaylakay4132]

Alyssa, you are so right. When people say "why didn't you clean it yourself" it makes my blood BOIL. They clearly don't understand the full extent of what you're going through and its so silly of them to suggest such a ridiculous thing to you. Just because those people didn't understand does not mean that no one else does, or has the potential to. I'm so glad you feel more understood now. "Born out of secrets" that is absolutely brilliant. In time you will find your people, those who have the same insightful mind that you do :) I really found most of my people in college (except for one AMAZING person in high school whose my bff now). All of my friends have not gone through the same thing, but they have the capacity to hold space for me nonetheless. I hope you feel a bit less alone now, since you most certainly are not! Sending you all of my love

[@acrobaticanna]

I always wondered why I felt different. This is helping me. I always thought external change could help me. Once I worked on myself I could see the external life I live in becoming fresher.

[@kierratempleton6588]

Thank you for this video. You are the first person I’ve seen be actually real about this. I was sobbing my eyes out last night to my best friend about the feelings of still feeling so disgusting and so ashamed and the feelings that linger still and found all your videos today. I can’t wait until the day I’ve worked through most of the emotional baggage from these experiences. I’ve already found so much freedom but there are days it’s crippling. So much love and support to all the people going through the same thing.

[@gaylakay4132]

Thank you so much for watching Kierra and sharing! I'm so glad you're finding freedom, and really relate to you when you write about the hard days. You seem to be doing ALL of the right things, speaking to someone safe and paying attention to how you feel. Sending you a big hug :)

[@maeg.9123]

I never thought of my home as a hoarder house but your experience has made me realize that even though it wasn't as "bad" as the houses on the show "hoarders" its effect on me was the same. I have and experience all of these feelings of grossness, anxiety, not being able to connect with others, holding a secret that absolutely no one can know. This is why I am so lonely and feel like I can't invite anyone in. Edit to add: Also does not help that I was homeschooled, so my entire life is a secret. The only people I have in my life are my family. Not even my grandparents or extended family. I live in such a small world. Thank you for helping me realize why people are so scary to me.

[@acrobaticanna]

Your videos are helping me process the same things. I just moved house and only asked one of my daughters for help but kept this huge event a secret.

[@EdGripology]

There’s so little good content about this. I’m glad people like you are making it

[@YDdraigGoch1]

Hello, Gayla. Bless you for being so open and honest with all of us. I first wanted to say that I am so sorry for all that you have gone through, and you are so brave to share your story. I also had a hoarder parent: It was my mother, to be exact. My dad would rage at my mom as I was growing up for not "getting" her "act together", and for not letting go of possessions that she simply couldn't part with. I also know what it is like to keep what I call a "dirty little secret", regarding the hoarding, from outsiders to the family household. I felt like it was all my fault as a child for the fact that I couldn't have any friends or extended family over. In retrospect, my parents were overly possessive of me and my sibling, and were sheltering, on top of the already prevalent domestic violence. However, I have had the opportunity to move on from my grief and I left America in 2018 to go to university in North Wales in the UK to learn British Literature and the Welsh language, where I had completed my BA and pursued my MA. My heart was broken a year and a half ago when my UK visa ended, and no other family members were supportive enough for me to stay with them.when I had to return to America. I basically had no choice but to return to my toxic parents, in January 2022 as I was still finishing my Masters dissertation. Last March, in 2022, after five weeks of Hell at my parents', I cut myself off from all family, immediate and extended, and went to a domestic violence center for women and children. Since then, I have received so much healing and clarity, and I am in a much better place with good and loving people around me. There are still things which I must improve on, and, like you had said in another one of your videos, I think, it is so good to have enough time to gradually heal, instead of trying to rush it or feep urged to get it all done at once. You are really an inspiration to me, and I am so glad that we are not healing alone, but as you have said before, we have each other. ❤ I believe that you are doing all the right things for yourself and the people you love, Gayla. I only wish you the healing, love, hope, and inspiration that you deserve to continue to move forward with your life. Lots of love from, Erin 🙏🏻❤️ P.S.: I am also curious if you have any Welsh heritage at all? I am saying this because you look like you could be twins with my Welsh tutor back in North Wales! Welsh was her first language, and she really inspired me during my time in Wales. Like you, she was beyond beautiful, and you have the same colouring! I have mostly Irish and German heritage myself, and my home state is Illinois, but I have been many places since then, and have met many different lovely people! You seem like such a lovely person, Gayla, and I feel so close to you, even if it is just through KZbin. ❤️

[@gaylakay4132]

Erin hello!! What a beautifully vulnerable comment, thank you so so much for sharing pieces of your story and your generous encouragement. I am so glad you had the courage to remove yourself from an unhealthy situation and moved to one that was better with loving people around you. You are equally as inspiring, Erin 💕 I'm so glad to have people as kind as you to heal along side of. My dear internet friend, love to you always! PS: I don't have Welsh heritage, but I got a DNA test from Ancestry and there is Swedish in there. I'll post the break down on my next video to answer someones question in my Q&A! 🤭

[@princessadrienne1631]

Thank you Gaylakay for sharing your experience growing up in a hoarder home as well as the emotional baggage that stemmed from it. It has made me feel less alone in my situation❤

[@gaylakay4132]

Princess!!! Thank you so much for watching!! You make me feel less alone too!!

[@princessadrienne1631]

@@gaylakay4132 Your welcome dear❤

[@Shawna12321]

There’s a subreddit for us r/ChildofHoarder if you need support

[@princessadrienne1631]

@@Shawna12321 Thank you!

[@gloriastroedecke2717]

Thank you for this. I feel such deep disappointment with people as well as myself. I do feel lonely sometimes but my distrust and disappointment with others often outweighs any desire to reach out and befriend others. Narcissism is enmeshed with my experience. One of my parents and my sibling have/ had narcissistic traits. The belittling,gaslighting, cruelty and selfishness has lasting affects. I have a few friends. But only one or two of these friendships have felt authentic. And thoughI have opened up about certain aspects of my life I feel too much shame to open up all the way.

[@gaylakay4132]

Oh Gloria, I deeply understand what you are sharing. Thank you for opening up here, you aren't alone in this. Sending you the biggest hug EVER 💕

[@gaylakay4132]

Hello! Do we like this editing style? I'm obsessed with it, but if its distracting lemme know. Comment how you are, I wanna know where you are all at with this! (I'll always respond 🦋) Any tips for anyone going through loneliness? So thankful for each and everyone of you, SENDING LOVE TO YOU ALL! ✨

[@jonnypeatersons]

Hey Gayla. Multitudes of love and warmth in greetings to all with bunches of appreciation for what this channel provides. The editing is fantastic and it's a joy to see the passion you distill for creating a space for those of us that suffer in relative silence and misunderstanding. To engage in a healing process with those that experienced and who are truly trying to understand the nuances around this unique trauma, it is a rare and beautiful thing. Thank you from the deepest depths of my soul for all that share yourselves here. So to give some context on what I was compelled to share - I am a guy who is turning 33 at the end of this month and like many others have been through my own slice of hell. I didn't want to make this long and just wanted to share how I deal with the suffering of feeling alone, but now I feel the need to give some picture of what I have been through to give more validity to my personal path of solution and also feel the want to share as I don't always get the chance to talk about my life in these details cause to be honest, it's just really fucking sad. So yeah, warning to all that I am going to flesh out list a fair few sad things that happened in my life that added to my deeeeep and crushing sense of loneliness, only to try and give a deeper perspective to some steps I have taken to heal as I am doing really amazing things internally to not feel so unbearably alone. Here we go... My mother is a hoarder of everything from animals to food to disposable yogurt tub lids and lollipop sticks. the worst you have seen on any of those shows about hoarding - that's my mums way of living. Multiple diagnosis's of mental illness due to a hellishly traumatizing upbringing of her own, from borderline personality disorder to alcoholism, schizoaffective, major depression and anxiety disorders. Separated from my father and divorced when I was starting high school. I was the youngest of 4 and the only one caught in legal custody battles between an insensitively distant, cold, piously religious and emotionally abusive father and at times quite a psychotic mother who spent most of her time sleeping from the buckets of pharmaceutical medication if she wasn't freaking out about other trivial matters and fighting with dad in a screaming match. Sister pregnant and a mother herself at 15 while being hooked on heroin the previous year. Oldest brother escaped the home cause, well, who the fuck wouldn't if they were old enough and could? Other brother was adopted at birth from indigenous northern Australia (We live in Melbourne) and struggled with amphetamine and alcohol addiction, getting kicked back and forth from mum to dad due to his anger and violence and drug addiction issues until he was taken to rehab in regional Victoria. I moved with Mum from house to house as she filled them up to the point of holes rotting the floorboards under the piles and subsequently being evicted while telling me she could not go on living if I was not in her life. Did this until I was 17 around about the same time the bank was taking another house. My closest brother introduced me to smoking weed with tobacco at the age of 12 and I struggle with addiction to this day as I cough black tar from my lungs and abusing my physical system with other harmful chemicals to try and escape pain and loneliness. Diagnosed Bi-polar about 5 years ago I have lost countless jobs due to breakdowns and existential crises through heavy seasons of suicidal depression. Been tens of thousands of dollars in debt. Lived with my partner who was unfaithful and couldn't deal with my mental health for 7 years and had to leave. Lost the home that I treasured and couldn't let go of, even though I could not afford the rent and struggled to eat while being jobless and on government payments because it was my first place of freedom, togetherness, cleanliness and order. dog of 11 years my beloved Merlin passed away during covid lockdowns in Melbourne which where the most severe globally, to which my metal illnesses kept me in isolation before the rules came in. I tried to study community services and got so stressed of being alone and of my traumatic memories associated with school that I ground my molars to crumble into bits. I was convinced I would not live past 30, hell I made a decent attempt to take my own life at 27 and the list goes on. But what I really want to get to is my freedom from all this. I want to share that I have been learning to meditate over the past 7 or so years after being involved with regular psycho-dynamic therapy with a life saving and incredibly gifted practitioner who brought the experiential understanding to the therapeutic space of a wounded healer. For example, when I was unable to afford sessions he was happy to keep seeing me, I will always treasure that as it was a pinnacle moment for my healing as he was one of the only people I have engaged with that had the presence of mind to really hold my emotions and really 'see' me. When I was first diagnosed with mental illness I leaned mindfulness meditation which I discovered as a cure for an intense episode of anxiety through lowering my breath rate and noticing my heart rate follow in decreasing intensity. My therapist then taught me about the deeper levels and more powerful states of spiritual meditation and of the amazing tools of the Yogic sciences to help bring states of lasting bliss and peace. Pharmaceutical medication was a helpful tool for a while but not a viable long term option. Tools such as mantras and of practicing to sit for longer periods of time in a particularly active but relaxed and physically balanced state so the mind and the body lose their tight grip on me and for me to be very still and identify with that eternal, untouchable and immutable conscious awareness as the real essential 'me' and not identify with my body or my mind as they are things I have borrowed from this earth that have caused me constant turmoil and pain and in a constant state of change anyway. It seems like this process might lead one to feel numb and disconnect but it is the opposite, the more I sit and watch my mind and body with no judgment and let go, the more 'with' myself I feel and the more connected to everything I feel. I mean, the trees are the other half of our lungs and we all come from soil as we all return to it in some way or another. There are so many other ways to dissolve the prison walls that are the boundaries to ourselves. Just to sit and experience those facts and identify with the true essence of all life and 'be' in it, makes me feel so held and warm and expanded in a way that I have never known and it blows my puny mind. It has been the biggest turning point for me to ameliorate the constant suffering of loneliness that I have battled with for my whole life, because what is truly me is the experience of all life and death itself - untouchable and immaculate. I can now be involved with creating states of peace, bliss and love as a byproduct of unbiased compassion toward myself and others and the deep connection we all have with life and that connection life has with us, to be true, honest and effortless company for myself creates a peaceful external environment also. It has taken years for me to practice really truly spending unconditional time with myself as it was so foreign to me due to all the unhealthy destructive ways my mind operated which were just a byproduct of coping with such a brutal situation in my upbringing. Anyway, like everyone else I am still walking a never ending path and trying to get better at talking about it and sharing it, anyone's life and struggles are no simple task to solve, it's complicated and worth respect so I want to thank anyone who read this and as you face the darker parts of yourself and the darkness you read in my message today I send you an abundance of love and acceptance and hope. Meditation has become my medication and if anyone resonates with all this I personally recommend absorbing the wisdom of Sadhguru and Forest Knutson. They have provided me with so much knowledge and cunning techniques to achieve this most precious skill that I nurture and grow that is replenishes my once depleted life. if I don't spend that time each day to be with all of me in stillness, life just gets so chaotic in my head again. I want to keep editing this to make it as understandable as I can but I spoke from the heart and have been here a few hours so I will accept that it's good enough. I love you all so much and as I wrap up this marathon of a post with my eyes wet with sincerity and compassionate joy, know my heart is with you.

[@princessadrienne1631]

@@jonnypeatersons 🧡🧡🧡🧡

[@gaylakay4132]

Jonny!!! SO glad you found the words this time to express this beautiful transformation you've gone through and are still going through. First off, THANK YOU for watching and sharing with me and everyone here. This comment was such a wonderful gift!!! Also thank you for the editing compliment, I'm very proud of my self taught style haha. We all co-create this safe place together! The journey that you have gone on is absolutely beautiful. Which makes the freedom that you speak of that much more incredible. Also the therapist that was there for you despite momentary financial limitations is SO amazing. My therapist was like that too, charging me half of what she does other patients when I began with her. It's amazing how we can find those immensely generous healers when we really need them!!! Your capacity for compassion is a gift and I'm sure everyone in your life can feel that energy. When I've gone through those momentary phases of hopelessness, that you described, I've found myself desire more and know more of what I don't want, which allows me to find what I DO what, and then a rebirth happens in a way, which is why my favorite animal is a Phoenix haha (and dragons too, but perhaps now is not the time to geek out). Meditation when it feels good to do, is truly a wonderful experience. I try everyday and as you said so beautifully it helps "identify with that eternal, untouchable and immutable conscious awareness as the real essential 'me' ". My inner being :) Thank you so much for sharing Jonny. You are a phoenix yourself. Sending all my love 💕

[@jonnypeatersons]

@@gaylakay4132 Yeah so true, it is an awesome team effort but also thank you personally for initiating and cultivating the safe space to do so. lol it's so hard to expose your personal story (I got very nervous after posting) but it was so, so worth it cause it was done here, in the right place. You started this channel with such massive courage and inner strength, It gives me huge amounts respect for your content and this nurturing community. It feels other-worldly to be heard and met with acceptance. The videos and everyone sharing stories have helped me stay present to my memories and personal history, as a support in keeping up with the expression of grief and acceptance of those parts of me that get so easily and repeatedly locked up. The involvement here in healing through open vulnerability and compassion is beautiful. the chance to put it in words and share it with those that might value it means a lot. When you are graced with compassion it can't help but spread. To add to the conversation on meditation. I think in all the years I have practiced on and off, what is so striking to me is how difficult it is to do, and how long it must take for anyone to master truly living the blissful experience that we are all connected, that we share the same life as a whole with everything else. I suppose just tasting the freedom it brings, makes the difficulty worth the cost for us to press on trying. I have a long ways to go still, and at the same time, I have been a long ways to get here, so it is all just very humbling. I remember once someone wise saying "the true self, reveals it's self, to itself, by itself" and to my experience this seems to check out. Lol now for some fun facts - I have a big tattoo of a phoenix on mah back that I got in my 20's, so I couldn't agree more with your sentiment around that, and thanks for noticing hahahaha. Also the other cool synchronicity and connection is that I have a 12 year old, chonky, black with white, man cat that I adopted/rescued from my mum when he was a kitten, so I kind of feel as though you are like my spirit sister, it is pretty funny and very heartwarming how coincidental it all seems :P much love sis, the life you are is gorgeous, keep living it fully and bless your brightly burning soul!

[@jonnypeatersons]

@@princessadrienne1631

[@TaKyraDivine]

Thank you for posting these videos, loneliness and trouble connecting with people is really one of the biggest struggles in my life which often is what leads me to feeling su**idal. I often blame myself for it… especially today, at work I was just constantly thinking terrible thoughts… this battle is Beyond my understanding at this point but to know it could be from the way I grew up and not because I’m broken or I have some disorder or whatever other things I’ve been convincing myself if lately is very reassuring. Thank you again for sharing.

[@tiffanyplaza1950]

Good Morning or Buon Giornata from SandyEggo California! i just found your videos this wknd. i watched one Saturday, 1 ystrdy- Sunday & the remaining 6 today- Memorial Day. you are incredibly brave, strong, beautiful, courageous & i sooooooo admire how much dignity & respect you offer to all of us who grew up w/ these "household systems" & also the way you honor the family/ parents that raised you. the reason i am choosing to respond/ comment/ reply on THiS video is because you originally posted it on Easter Sunday last year which is coincidentally my birthday. 17april. i had a great childhood and fond memories of both my father & mother- both in Heaven now. i knew our home was messy when i was a kid, but didn't realize till only recently- i experienced neglect & trauma in my youth. i moved out@ 18 and have lived/ worked as an on site residential apartment mngr & in property mngmnt my whole life. 2 yrs ago my only child- age 17- was hospitalized for depression & s.i. 2 months later they ran away/ left w/o communicating with me. i was devastated/ concerned/ worried@ their mental health & physical well being. a month later "gramma" (my MoM) was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. i called my kid's friends & asked them to share news/message them via social media. i spent every day for 5 months w/Gramma until she joined my PoP@ Thanksgiving wknd 2o21. a month after she passed, i received a voicemail message on Christmas day from my baby. Sadly, 17 months since & still have had zero conversations with my offspring. maybe staying with their father? (my ex husband- who, due to d.v. we separated/ divorced when baby was 2). i don't know what your folks marriage looked like? but brief scenario you mention w/ trash bag & newspapers situation made an indelible impression on you? Everything i did raising my child as a single mamma on a budget, was to protect them & keep them safe- or that's what i thot? But after listening to what you said in 1st 4 videos- it is so CLEAR, that my kid was apparently living in shame & secrecy due to my clutter issues * which i have attended a 12 step program for since 2oo7* had morphed into a full blown hoarding situation & i have always hated THaT word & called my own family members "collectors". i paused your video to read on APA.org @ chromosome 14- WiLD?! realization as i have been clearing out/ cleaning my childhood home - that YeS- i was BoTH a child who grew up in a Hoarder House AND a hoarding parent raising my baby in a home with a "protective layer"- insulating me from compounded/ complex PTSD - that i was diagnosed with in 2oo5 after escaping violent partner who constantly threatened my life....so much Wisdom & Grace exude from every word you say! the only thing i don't like is when you call yourself "lazy"- just making that amazing sautéed mushroom/ onion & over easy egg on toast, then washing dishes- YoU my dear are MiRaCuLouS!!!! you somehow/ someway learned how to cook/ clean/ have a healthy relationship w/ sweetheart & raising a handsome keybooo! i also have a Chocolate brown Havana tuxedo keybooo= ◇charliejoy♧ & my sweet cookie of a poochiedoodle= ♤Biscotti♡ - they are the reason i get up in the morning after cuddling/ schnuggling all night & getting restorative schleeeeeeps! Peace Be With You my new friend & to Any/ ALL who may still be living in it/ living through it or moving forward on healing journey. Molto Grazie Bella Amici! ~MicKEy~ {alias, altho any who know me? will know my true name} ciao!!!!

[@gaylakay4132]

I so deeply want to thank you Tiffany, for your openness in this comment and sharing. The fact that you can see your situation and understand your child even though you feel pain from their absence is incredible. I have no doubt that when the time is right they will come back and express to you their feelings. You are a wonderful example of encouragement and authenticity. From one miraculous being to another, thank you 💕

[@jennyw1445]

I had a hoarder mom and an alcoholic dad. I am very secretive. Now I understand why. I am always there for everyone else, but I rarely tell all with me. I handle it on my own. I never realized all that hoarding was causing me trauma. I am lonely a lot, some of it self-imposed. I do have friends who have helped me in the past, so I really am not alone. This topic would be hard for them to understand though. I think unless a person has lived hoarding it's hard to understand the feelings that go with it. Thank you for doing the videos. I think you are helping people.

[@HeatherMeower]

i was in the hoard on my own. my mom , sister, and step dad were at my stepdads house. he is controlling and abusive and my mom thought putting me in the other house would help not be terrorized by him so lots of isolation

[@contemplatinggod2791]

My mom is a chronic hoader. That occurred from trauma of being shot in the leg at 23 and she has a disability, she limp walks. But hoading is a constant frustration in my life, I am always organising the home and my mum is always disorganising everything and keeps everything she can ly her hands on, its so bad tou cant even believe walk around the room😢 it was tough cos we were always at logger heads because she keeps everything nonone will ever need, no space for anything useful in life😢

[@mariettaberry1711]

Yahoo has a good Children of Hoarders group.

[@Shawna12321]

Thank you so much for posting these videos!!

[@gaylakay4132]

Thank you for watching Plantsstudent and sharing your resources!!

[@doraedwards2262]

Wow. Same. I never thought about this.

[@TheRealCcE]

Another great topic Gayla! Have you or anyone felt anxiety of people coming to your house? I’m not very neat, but I do take effort to placing things back in order in my own time or before people come over. I definitely self isolate which also causes me to feel invisible at times. I often fight feelings of no one caring about me even though I know it’s not true. I realized I do have to take some responsibility for where I am in life bc me self isolating may come off as stand off ish. Also, the very thought of being more sociable and building my business can reduce my confidence because I am asking people to believe in me and support me. I am working on exposing myself to these things in hopes to be better. Any tips?

[@gaylakay4132]

CC!!! Thank you so much for your support always :) I 100% need to have 2-3 hours to prepare before anyone comes over. I also need 30mins to light candles and scents all around the house haha. To be honest I'm not entirely neat all the time either, and if I make a plan to invite people over its great motivation to clean up EVERYTHING. Every nook and cranny they would possibly see I will clean and dust. (I was gonna make a video about this, but haven't felt like the right time came, now seeing how you are SO similar to me, it might be that time!) I totally hear you about the self-isolation. Be soft with yourself, you were taught to keep people at a distance, referring back to your first comment you posted "I classified myself as a loner". Makes sense why you're feeling isolated now. You had to in order to survive your youth, BUT you're aware of it, thats the best part!!!! About the business and social expansion, that is scary. We were taught at a young age to hide. You deserve compassion for where you are NOW. What's helped me is noticing when I'm playing out old situations/roles that aren't my present and choosing to move in a new mindset, intentionally liberating myself from the past. "Exposing yourself to those things", is a PERFECT response in my humble opinion. That lets you know where you are. If you're nervous or feel socially awkward which I really struggle with too, what I say to myself is "I'm less nervous then when I was younger. I'm not going to change myself to be likable, I want to be authentic. That's such a great improvement in myself. I approve of myself". Those usually lighten my critical thoughts. (Also as someone else mentioned, meditation is great too!) I deeply believe in you. You are finding your healing, you are too self aware, too genuine and too supportive to stay in that mindset of unworthiness. (I resonate with you so much hence this long comment 🦋) Sending love to you CC, as always! 💕

[@TheRealCcE]

@@gaylakay4132 thanks for sharing. I love your affirmation it’s so positive and confident.

[@rolledintoone2206]

Hello thank you so much for sharing iam not an alone who is suffering from this problem. I feel you girl stay strong.. Iam feeling the same way as you are but iam staying still at home, they aren't giving me any chance to move outside and live alone, they don't care about the mess they create , iam the only one to clean up everything it's just sucks ya.. So hard to live in this situation, I tried to say and tried to motivate many tyms that this isn't a right things you all should keep ya house and ownslf clean but they won't listen,... I am so done, they evn don't care about what I want, what she needs, how can i survive with all this😞😭it's so disappointing to know that our parents are such a hoarder while seeing other parents I feel so jealous😒 what to do they aren't helping me with financial prob too and not getting me to go outside the city too,, how can i live here in such a messy filthy home😭😭😭its literally so bad to have a filthy parents who doesn't know about cleaning..... Thanks your video really feels that iam not alone ❤

[@Shawna12321]

If you’re looking for support, there are others like you at r/ChildofHoarder

[@gaylakay4132]

Anjana, I really hear your pain. I'm so sorry you're going through this tough time right now! Telling your parents to care more and fix things they should be doing on their OWN is like a loosing battle. I really understand this first hand. It's one of the most painful aspects of this experience because we can see all of the disfunction right in front of us! When I was living in my childhood home I felt SO envious of other peoples clean spaces, and nice rooms and kitchens, I totally get it. The only thing in our control is the living situation we choose to be a part of, if you are at a point in your life where you can say "you are not providing me a clean livable home here with you, you need to provide it for me another way." That could look like you rooming with a friend, or a trusted family friend, if that feels like an option for you. I'm sending you so much love, I really believe you will find a better way to live and you won't have to live this way forever. You are most certainly not alone :)

[@markbliss516]

God please help this dear child of YOURS get through this as You helped me. In Jesus's name, amen.

[@katieschaefer3756]

You are beautiful, astute, wise, and kind. I am a sister in the struggle, growth, and healing.

[@gaylakay4132]

My sister in beauty and wisdom too ! 💕

[@Nerdy-By-Nature]

Thanks so much for bravely sharing this difficult to explain sensation 💜 I very much relate to your experience and that feeling of loneliness that is hard to quantify, but you articulated it beautifully. I'm at the point of arranging help for my parent and because of that I'm now able to start recognizing the internal fallout so I can resolve it and move forward. I'm looking forward to watching your other videos.

[@gaylakay4132]

I so deeply appreciate your empathy, thank you! The process of getting help for your parent can be a tough one on the heart, so I am sending you lots of support and love your way. Looking forward to this new year and hopefully the help you arrange for you parents lessens the responsibility on you so you can focus on yourself and indulge in the little things... like holiday cookies :)

[@Nerdy-By-Nature]

@@gaylakay4132 thanks so much for the support and love. Gratefully, so far things are going well, with a side of passive aggression, but I am prepared for there to be ups and downs. Your comment helped me acknowledge how much lovely little indulgences have gone out the window as I started just focusing on survival during my adolescence. Here's to those indulgences, and I hope you get to enjoy them, as well! Wishing you a peaceful heart and space 💜

[@brain0nfire]

I think you have to come to terms with the fact that as long as your parent still lives under those conditions you will still suffer from it. Like you said in a previous video, a dirty house creates a contamination feeling; likewise, a dirty parent does the same. Our identity isn't circumscribed to our local imediate proximity (body, private space, belongings) alone; it's also linked to the people we are connected to, whether by keeping contact with them as well as by thinking about them. If you haven't decoupled psychologically from your parent's situation it will keep on hurting you. If you are not able to then all that's left is to help them dig themselves out of that hole (without falling in it again). Who better than you to venture back into the abyss and comeback again safely and presenting a path of light to your parent? Now that you are in a safe and controlled environment have you considered trying helping your parent? It may help you - your loneliness, your repulsive feelings even, your sadness, and your sadness/loneliness by proxy. ------------------ One strategy that was successful in establishing a clean stable sector in my house was by setting up an old fishtank I had. I'm not particularly into having animals caged anymore, but it worked as a strategy to avoid giving room where objects could be gathered and cluttered. Since I became proficient in building this fishtank (aquascaping) it created good content to post online. This was a source of joy for my hoarder mother. And it created meaning for her as well as dopamine (to counter depressive feelings). Maybe you can find a similar but, perhaps, more personalized aproach to create reasons for your parent to keep a healthy and clean environment. Suffice it to say, a thorough clean is warranted as a first measure. It's hard to "sell" anything to a hoarder since they are in that hazy depression. People in such a state can't fathom not being in that state. Some experiences are only comprehended when embodied by going through them. In my case, I had to push through and clean everything and then set the fish tank and deal with the backlash until it waned. They'll be irritated but they'll comprehend it was worth it with some time and perspective. I can't speak much for behavior correction, which is harder to maintain, but maybe if that meant you visited and had dinner with your boyfriend of your own making maybe you could keep the ball rolling towards a good direction ---------------- I'm afraid you can't heal yourself without healing those around you. You must be strong enough to push the trauma back generationally. It's a bit different since you don't share blood, but for this purpose of healing your trauma I think it could benefit you as long as you do it carefully. As long as you don't get sucked in and become stuck again, it could prove that you can be the sponsor of your parent back into the community without judgement. Just a thought. :) ----------------- Some ideas to have the parent want the space clean: -buy them a poster of their idol -get them a music instrument that requires space or more appliances that need room -get furniture to store items appropriately (some items need to stay as a concession on your end) -ask them if you could leave a big item there for safekeeping - to steal space -buy a roomba

[@dogdonut3]

Cptsd. I didnt grow up with a hoarder, but i have very similar issues. Emotional abuse, neglect, they can cause very similar triggers.

[@benhough7145]

Mindful video, currently dealing with this currently. Been watching loads of videos on hoarding hoping to make me feel better. Just about liveable. Being brought up like this has given me a strong mindset. Just wanting to get out the trap now. All about that non-victim mindset. It shall all soon pass, if you keep focused on the exit door and not get distracted. Currently 19.

[@beefwine]

mental-emotional trauma results in loneliness, i have dealt with mental and emotional trauma since a very young age. i would be trapped inside myself and no one could see me is the best way to explain it. i tried everything because it was paralyzing me. therapy made it even worse somehow and i was barely functioning. i was surrounded and falling into death. Then Jesus found me, and I knew I would be okay and He is the answer. i can't put it into words but i try in case someone reads this and it helps them reach out to Him.

[@markbliss516]

This i,s Gwen, not Mark. This has been so helpful to me too. And it rang true when you described feeling lonely even when you weren't alone because of not being able to trust people. I remember feeling that way. And hoarding aside, people DO sometimes let you down or are cruel. What has comforted me, is that even when people I count on "get it wrong," God never does. "He will NEVER leave us or forsake us... He alone is completely faithful and true and will be with us all the way to the end." And even though it doesn't change anything, knowing the only person I have to please is God, I'm not afraid to venture out and interact with people. Whatever reaction they may have, they are not my only support. And because of that, I can take the insensitive comments even well-intended loved ones may make, and not be crippled by it like I used to be. Thank you again Gayla for sharing. It is evident to me that God is giving you "beauty for ashes" in the insight He has given you, and the compassion He has given you for others by how you speak from a heart of HUMILITY instead of as a counselor who only has the degree, but not as one who has been there themselves. Keep on keeping on little sister!

[@ShannaRowell-uy3zh]

I knew of a lady whose mom was a hoarder and it was hard on her but when she moved out she chose minimalist lifestyle and her mom avoids her home since it is so nice and clean. Best wishes.

[@susieq2334]

💗

[@jenniferchen2660]

hello just found this youtube video and I can relate I never knew that my mom was a hoarder until I realized that people don't live like me when I visit their house. I feel a lot of shame when people come into my apartment to do anything like the monthly check ins in apartments its mentally exhausting tbhh

[@marysh3840]

Thank you

[@kindra.gracelawlor2616]

Thankyou

[@tiffanyplaza1950]

Gayla Kay *forgot to say* my absolute FAVORITE thing you spoke about that is SOOOOOOO TRUE!- is that people don't talk@ this- because there isn't enough information/ knowledge/ understanding/ compassion or RESOURCES available- even when people like me were DESPERATELY calling child welfare/ protective services, 211 for local assistance/ guidance/ treatment facilities- even for parents who KNOW their(my) life is unmanageable and they(i) need HeLP?!?!? i don't know how i would have survived the past 2 years if it weren't for my support network of program buddies- infusing me with HoPE! (from various 12 step groups), jesus peeps from church community filing me with FaiTH!, my posse of doctors/ counselors/ mental health experts/ legal advocates/ massage therapists/ SpA professionals- to do my hair/ mani/ pedi/ facials/ etc. who make up my WeLLNeSS TeAM!!!! add in unconditional LoVE from my furry critters/ roommates and WeeKLY activities i participate in for my own enrichment/ enjoyment = RECIPE 4 SUCCESS! ciao & Dolce Sogni! ~MicKEy~

[@tiffanyplaza1950]

Gayla Kay- YOU didn't forget to say....i .forgot .to .tell .you

[@gaylakay4132]

Tiffany, I'm so thankful you agree! I LOVE your recipe 4 success!!!! 💕

[@brain0nfire]

If you look at this from the point of view of narcissism instead of hoarding it all still checks out. You were living in a shared fantasy.

[@arfanqurban3577]

Hi

[@arfanqurban3577]

U look very nice

[@arfanqurban3577]

🤗💙

[@-Just-Keep-Going]

Just remember the greatest thing a person can give you is love. And Love does not come from man, it comes from God. Never worry about keeping the right people. Put your trust in God, God has already lined up the right people for your life, people who are so true to you that you won't be able to keep them away from you. But before you can meet those people you have to learn that the best friend you will ever have is Jesus. Proverbs 18:24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother. Put God first in your life and all else will be provided for you. Just hang in there. Trust in God, Jesus is that friend who sticks closer than a brother. Seek God first and all else will be provided to you. God will send the right people into your life. Submit to him and he will make your paths straight. If you had a rough beginning, then with God in your life you will not have a rough end. Your best days will be ahead of you.