Shame/Being Dirty/Doorbell Dread/Connection (Lasting Effects From Growing Up W/ A Hoarder Parent)

[@gaylakay4132]

Thank you ALL for co-creating this safe community we have going on together! Every single person who comments and shares will be seen by me, and I'm sure others. You do not have to go through this alone any longer! A bit of clarification: The two categories "Fear Of Appearing Dirty" and "Fear Of Connection" are the effects I STILL struggle with even after leaving my childhood house and finding my own home. Sending all my love and the best vibes your way. -G 💕

[@ozneozkan1263]

youre voice so calm me down 💕🎀

[@ceciliajohnson8812]

I think hoarding is an addiction. I think every kind of addiction get in the way of intimacy. And like all addictions, hoarding takes up a significant amount of the persons time (in attempting to organise it, but really only to fit more stuff into their already crowded space) and money (never satisfied with their 'collection' and always wanting to keep adding to it) and they are really quite happy living a cluttered life. They don't know when to say enough is enough! It's such an incredibly difficult situation! A saying that is very pertinent to hoarding is 'whatever you keep a hold of, keeps a hold over you'.

[@randyupladek1855]

I grew up never knowing what it was like to have a home because a home was something to be ashamed of and was for other people. I’m 45 now and my life has been a disaster which isn’t surprising because that’s where I started.

[@Nerdy-By-Nature]

I relate so much, our coping mechanisms during our teen years were so very similar. I too am grateful for the way it strengthened my creative muscles, though. In regards to ADHD, which I was also diagnosed with and medicated for, I have learned that what appeared to be ADHD symptoms was actually CPTSD, and as I have worked on resolving the trauma response my mind has greatly calmed down and my ability to focus has increased. I just wanted to share that in case it's helpful to anyone else as they're healing 💜🙏 Thanks so much for speaking and creating a warm and welcoming space.

[@gaylakay4132]

What a wonderful new understanding you developed about yourself, that really does help me look at certain tendencies I have in a new way. Thank you for sharing!! And thank you for co-creating this warm and safe space with me :)

[@Nerdy-By-Nature]

@@gaylakay4132 I'm so glad if it's helpful. It occurred to me yesterday that healing requires 50% self reflection and 50% external feedback, we need both to make optimal progress. This is why channels like yours are so powerful.

[@PutinsMommyNeverHuggedHim]

@@Nerdy-By-Nature AMEN

[@abbey6854]

I suspect I may have a similar problem with my symptoms. Do you have any advice? I feel like my ADHD has peaked since I left that place but I used to have some symptoms when I was younger

[@Nerdy-By-Nature]

@@abbey6854 regulating your nervous system is top priority. Things I have found very helpful are somatic exercise (or mindful yoga), EFT/tapping, castor oil packs at night with dry brushing in the morning, Epsom salt baths, and eliminating irritating foods while increasing fat and protein. For me, that looks a look like Dr. Paul Saladino's animal based protocol. These things have all increased my nervous system tolerance. But I still try to pay attention to environmental things that can make my nervous system take a hit, like moon changes, barometric pressure drops/storms, high allergy index, crowded and noisy environments, hormonal shifts, and chaotic experiences. When I know those things are a factor, I try to keep everything else as quiet and gentle as I can (wearing headphones with binaural beats or classical music on, soft comfy clothes, warm foods and drinks, reduce my to-do list). Awareness goes a long way!

[@robbycharmed]

it's so amazing how we are so much alike. When I was growing up with my parent who was a hoarder, I was miserable. One thing that helped me was watching movies/tv shows, I was so immersed in them that I wanted to be the characters so bad. It definitely was a form of escapism for me. I developed a love for acting as well, and now my dream would be to become an actor. Unfortunately, I grew up in a VERY small town in NC, and I'm still struggling today and I'm still stuck here as well. I don't think or know if my acting dream will come true, but I do hope everything works out for you! If I ever get the opportunity to see you on the big screen, it'll be like watching myself. Thank you for your safe space, just like I commented on your other video, I've never related to someone so much.

[@gaylakay4132]

Robby!! My fellow actor, hello!! I am so sorry you're feeling snuck right now, even though I am in a different living situation than you are... to be honest I tend to feel stuck too. Trying to get out of it... however.... I KNOW we BOTH will be success in our dreams and act on stage or for the camera. I'm cheering you on, my friend, follow the momentum of your dreams, even if its reading new monologues and finding scenes, embrace that part of you. Who knows, we may even work together in the future. :) Sending so so SO much love your way 💕

[@megringa]

I’m also adopted (at birth) to older parents. Mother was/is a hoarder and was also physically and verbally abusive. Everything you say resonates with me deeply. I’ve never had therapy, but I know I need it. Everything is overwhelming. I’m constantly cleaning my home but it’s never ever clean enough or organized enough. I’m glad you make these videos. I’m not alone 🥹🫶🏻

[@martuskarogowska]

I have a neighbor who is a hoarder and it is very hard for all of us living in the building. The smell in the staircase, the clothes moths and mice some of us get at our place... I could not even imagine what it must be like to live with one and be dependent on them :( It is always inspiring to see how people heal from their trauma, you are doing so well!

[@jennyw1445]

After watching your video, I'm thinking about the clutter I have myself. It's hard for me to get rid of things of value even if I'm not using the items. I move stuff from house to house. I've given a lot of stuff away. I've had two garage sales. I still have one room full of stuff that I don't need. I have a garage full of boxes. I've started going through things and giving away the most useless items (for me), but useful to someone else to a thrift store. My siblings have hoarding tendencies too. My middle brother's wife makes him get rid of stuff from time to time. Their home is clean. My younger brother's house and garage can't even be walked in because it's so bad. They lost a grandchild and that's when the hoarding began. My sister's husband won't allow her to keep much of anything. Her house is clean, but her sewing room is a disaster. All 3 of my brothers have or had a gambling addiction along with my sister. Does that have anything to do with hoarding? I do think Mom collected stuff as a way not to be close to anyone. My alcoholic dad cheated on her. I think she disconnected then. I do not get close to people either. I keep everyone at arm's length. I'm just realizing these things by watching hoarding videos like yours. I am 68 years old. I also dread people knocking on the door. I think that stems from feeling shame if anyone came into our home as a child. My home is clean, but parts are cluttered. We have a dog now, just got her a few months ago. I am always worried if the house smells clean enough. I hope you keep making videos. They are helping people. You are giving us a space to talk about things with people who understand and won't judge us. I am still searching for answers. I do have rage at times. I always wondered where that came from. A lot of things you say resonate with me.

[@acrobaticanna]

We end up great at problem solving.

[@avery8852]

We are soooo similar… literally down to the bulimia, self harm, and the exact feeling of being an ogre growing up. You’re so right about us not being judgmental too, I’ve always been that way and it probably does stem from knowing how bad it feels to carry that embarrassment or shame yourself. And the secrets!!! That’s my whole life, I developed an intense habit of keeping secrets even when it literally doesn’t even matter. I was made to never tell anyone or bring anyone over and it followed me like a cloud, just like you, infecting me and I was also convinced I’d never be truly clean. One time a friend had jokingly said I smell like children and my heart might as well have collapsed. I don’t even know what that means but someone commenting on my smell was one of my biggest fears and insecurities. Ugh honestly I should make a video too

[@susansparanormalpennsylvan81]

i can relate, my parents grew up during the depression, my grandparents saved every rubber band and scrap of paper. Our house was very minimum of furniture growing up because we had moved across the country and took the bare amt. with us. It was very clean. But when they retired and went into the antique business it got very cluttered and my mom became a hoarder and i worked 10 hrs 4 days per week, so i had 3 days off, i went over every 2 weeks to clean, it gave me anxiety, eventually all of us kids chipped in to hire a housecleaner for them. After my mom died, my dad hired an estate sale company to come take the antiques away and i remember a huge van coming with 4 guys and it took all day, it was surreal.

[@cheerleaderforlife2]

I’m so glad I found your videos. I relate to a lot of what you talked about. I didn’t realize how much trauma I had about it until I started watching the show Hoarders and even though my house wasn’t as bad as the houses are on the show, I was extremely triggered when watching it and had a breakdown. I’m starting therapy next week and hoping I can work through all of the unresolved feelings I have about the way I grew up. It makes me feel better knowing I wasn’t the only one that went through this.

[@gaylakay4132]

Abby, thank you, I'm so glad you shared with me! I can't stand the show Hoarders, I totally get it. YAY FOR THERAPY!! Woohooo!! Ladies and gentleman, presenting Abby, a self-aware, self-improving woman moving forward toward liberation of childhood traumas, we stan this queen!! 👑 Sending love your way 💕

[@cheerleaderforlife2]

@@gaylakay4132 Thank you so so much!

[@gaylakay4132]

YAY you got this Abby :)

[@acrobaticanna]

You're such a beautiful person inside and out xx

[@markbliss516]

This is Gwen, not Mark. Escapism turned into a healthy creative imagination-me too. Insecurity turned into compassion and being a more approachable person-me too. God has taken what the enemy meant for evil, and turned it for good. I know not everyone believes as I do, but before I had God to help me figure out life, I was always nervous and never sure of how to act in situations. I always felt out of place. Now I focus more on showing other people love and look for ways to help, and in so doing, I rarely feel self-conscious about looks,etc.. And I finally had friends as the result! The thoughts you describe were almost identical to mine, and what has been particularly helpful for me as a Christian, is to learn to "hold every thought captive" and not let bad ones have a party in my head. Satan is described as the Accuser, Destroyer and the Father of Lies, and he is all too happy to point out our flaws and blow them way out of proportion and sometimes he uses our own voice in our thought life to hate ourselves. We are imperfect, that is true, but it is also true that God gets that we are not on His level and doesn't expect us to know any better. God is not mean but understands, forgives and helps us with stuff too hard for us to deal with-like a good Dad of a toddler that still loves our hugs despite our sticky grape jam hugs and kisses. I hope this encourages you back. Thank you again, Gayla for speaking up.

[@ceciliajohnson8812]

Oh, wow! You described Gods love for us, His beloved children, so well!

[@VeeSweetTea]

Your story is my story 😩. U articulate it so well.i am so depressed these people I stay with are making me nuts

[@LisaTReads]

Thank you so much for creating this safe space to share experiences. I can relate so much to what you say, and wish there had been someone like you to make me realise I wasn't alone in this, or somehow to blame. Thank you again, it means a lot ❤️.

[@gaylakay4132]

Lisa! Thank you so much for watching and sharing your empathy with me! I'm glad now you know you aren't alone in this and you NEVER were to blame. Not once. Sending love to you 💕

[@brain0nfire]

What a beautiful creature.

[@SchontiaVibez]

living with my parents the house was just filled with so much clutter. I barely had space for me. My room was their closet so I didn’t have any privacy or a chance to feel safe or comfortable. The kitchen never was a kitchen just a gigantic library of random things. Resulting in me not feeling comfortable in eating. Skinnier I got more I felt insecure when comments on my weight or appearance. I just felt so insecure and ashamed of my existence. I felt overlooked and disgusting. Living there I felt disgusted. Everything I see even tho I no longer live there I feel and see disgust like everything is contaminated. Endless cycle of not feeling comfortable like chronically uncomfortable. I live alone and still afraid of someone bussing through the door never knocking it’s like living life constantly on constant edge. Noticing the smallest things like a speck of dirty and instantly feel disgusting. I go on purges of just throwing away all my possessions because it reminds me of living there.

[@marcy7322]

Thank you for sharing this! I am a senior in college still unfortunately living at home with my hoarding family. Sadly, my parent has no extra income to help me find a place to live, and they would not help me find places as they are adamant about "keeping the family at home". I'm kind of stuck, because the clutter, old food out, and their pet dogs that are untrained and messy are giving me constant anxiety. If I want to leave, I have to find an job and apartment and finance myself but with my current mental state I'm struggling to do the basics and finish my final semester. Watching this makes me feel so much less alone

[@gaylakay4132]

Marcy thank you so much for taking the time to watch this and comment your experience. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time now and struggling! Its so amazing that you've made it so far in college while living at home still, the willpower you have must be ✨INCREDIBLE✨!!! If it doesn't feel like the right time to start your process of leaving and finding a job don't push it. I left only when I had the impulse to and felt the momentum the helped me go for what I wanted, but that came with time. I KNOW you'll feel that when you're ready and it will be perfect timing for you! I, myself, and others understand what you're going through, especially the "stuck" feeling you mentioned. There's another video I have talking about my childhood home and so many people commented their experiences. If you're feeling trapped and alone please check that out, not to watch the video, but to read all the comments of others. I'm sending you so much love and empathy your way! 💕

[@acrobaticanna]

I still worry when I have guests although my house is currently ultra-perfect!!

[@gaylakay4132]

ME TOO! Oh my god, I just posted a video talking about this. I'm so glad you can understand Anna!

[@abigailbuckta4218]

I so appreciate you. I've been trying to understand how having a hoarding parent has affected me. I feel much less alone now that i found your channel. Cheers to you for being vulnerable and sharing.

[@jessiedxo]

It’s heartbreaking seeing such a beautiful person (not just physically but emotionally in strength) think they’re anything other than that.

[@catherinemeade9580]

Wow I’m so grateful that I found your previous video (as well as this one) and that we are able to connect. Growing up in the filth and squalor of the hoarded home was distressing and very impactful for me as well. I experienced much of what you described, in my own capacity, from eating disorder (anorexia), being diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD in highschool, extreme fear of connection, ALWAYS thinking I smelled or fear of something in my teeth, on my face, or in my hair. The “fly” thing was a real fear for me too. That people would somehow know that we lived the way that we did, and of course the fly knew and could smell it on me and that’s why it was around. My husband and I met in highschool and I wouldn’t tell him which house was mine on the street. He would often tell me “you always think you smell and you never do! You smell good if anything” but I still couldn’t believe it, it just pacified the fear for another moment before we did something else (like go for a walk) and I would sweat a little and then think I smelled all over again. I spent much of my free time at other children’s homes for play dates and sleepovers every weekend and after school. I thought their homes were perfect and they had something special that we just would never had and I didn’t know why, but it was the way that it was. I’ve eaten spoiled, maggot infested, expired rotten food, and dealt with fleas and bedbugs. Lost lots of not all of my childhood memorabilia (including photographs and artwork) to being left in a heap outside in the yard and rained on, molded etc. There are so many more shared experienced that you have articulated in these two videos that I am coming to terms with myself. I moved out at 18 and and have only gone back to the home to care for one parent who lived and eventually died in the home (due to chronic illness unrelated to hoarding) and now I don’t go back to visit the other parent. That other parent is welcome at my home or to meet anywhere but I will not go in to the house (for now... I’ve done a lot to “help” the situation over there since my parent passed away and the parent who is still alive continues with hoarding tendencies and I am not able to go in there right now). Praise God, I married my highschool sweetheart, and we have two beautiful babies. I’m still in my mid 20s and I know there is SO MUCH to come out of the journey of neglect and abuse in childhood from growing up in a hoarder home. The total fear of anyone coming to the door has led to positive habits in our household where anyone is welcome anytime. I’m no longer afraid if people see inside the home (or come up to the porch)... we invite neighbors and friends and other family inside all the time. We live very minimally and our items all have a place. The home is healthy, in order, and a safe place for my children to play, and THAT is very empowering because I thought I would NEVER have that. I thought it would be impossible for me to ever shake the hoarding tendencies of my own or to ever become organized but those are lies instigated by fear. It is totally possible. With God, ALL things are possible and Praise Jesus because He was there the whole time. He is the reason I have been able to let go of resentment and anxiety, and total rage and anger. I was explosive during my teenage years, similar to what you described and praise God, I do not yell or engage in arguments on like that anymore. One thing I work on daily is the fear of making a mess. Now, with two babies in the house, I have to overcome letting them play, get messy, spill food, and smear it around, spill water out of the bath, take toys out, etc. and deal with the recurring fear that the mess could turn into mold, or attract ants or rats etc. if not taken care of immediately. I’ve practiced giving my children the free space to play, and teach them the importance of cleaning up and respecting our things before we move on to something else, but internally, as soon as something spills... my insides cringe because I remember the filth of the past. Thank you so much for your content and taking the time to share the vulnerable journey you have been on in order to allow for others to share as well. Lots of love to you, and I look forward to continuing this journey together!:)

[@gaylakay4132]

Catherine thank you so SO much for taking time out of your day to watch and then share!!! I'm so grateful you understand, I feel very seen by you. I relate to not being able to believe someone when they tell you "you don't smell" oh gosh. It is such a wonderful gift to find a nonjudgmental partner to hold your hand through this experience, and too meet when you were both young, what a blessing! Finding that support is invaluable, I feel the same with my boyfriend. I will say your partner isn't THE reason you got through this and went through some of your healing. Don't cut yourself short there. YOU got you through. You are the one who powered through, who got ready every morning in that horrible home and got to school. YOU are the one who helped one of your parents before they passed, and felt intense feelings every time you had to enter the hoard while doing it. I say this so you hold your OWN head high and know that you are your strength, too!!!! The fear of becoming like our parents is so real, I will be talking about that in one of the next videos I post, because its such a powerful struggle. You seem to be someone who is so grateful to those who've helped you and can honor them. What a wonderful example you are showing your children :) You seem like a wonderful person to be a mother, and I'm so happy you have your own home to provide safety for them in a way you weren't provided for. Sending love and my best vibes right back to you!!! :)

[@10024westsidenyc]

I grew up in a hoarder home and everyone in my family have some form of being a hoarder.

[@A222Z]

Your videos are very insightful & interesting. I'm sorry that there are only 9. Hoping that you will continue to post. (I'm not on Instagram). I'm not a hoarder, but rather a minimalist, nor was I raised in a hoarders hm. My mom did come to hoarding in her later yrs, but bc of dementia, is now removed from that situation. I enjoy your videos 😊

[@gaylakay4132]

Thank you so much for your encouragement ! :)

[@freshgreen54]

You are a genius. I had not made so many connections to why I have certain tendencies or am adverted from types of connections I see others share. My life is different in some ways such as living in an unpopulated area, transportation, certain interactions and reactions... Nonetheless it's like for the first time in my life besides when discussing with my own sister it feels like someone understands where I'm coming from better than I even understand myself. Please keep making more videos about everything on your mind and along your journey because your genuine insight and growth are so refreshing.

[@gaylakay4132]

Freshgreen, it is so amazing that even though our living locations are different, the emotions present can still be so similar. Thank you SO much for resonating with me, I feel so seen by you. I was having a bumpy day today, but this comment you posted has brought me such peace and joy, thank you Freshgreen!!! Your capacity to encourage is wonderful :) sending love to you and your sis 💕

[@jennifershaw4756]

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[@sarahscutt6042]

I have learned one big lasting effect from growing up with hoarder parent was , I developed severe anxiety attacks when things in my home start to accumulate . I go through my home and get rid of things till I calm . I also understand the overwhelming feeling of the way I look and smell. I would scrub my skin raw trying to feel clean

[@itsntok6071]

It’s wild, I am co-dependent when I have a partner because they can’t leave me, as they are my escape. But also I can’t ever trust them when they say it’s okay that the home looks like this, I can’t ever believe them. And resentment of my parents good god

[@dcabral00]

Keep doing what you are doing, beautiful lady. Many of us can relate, and you help us all with your content.

[@heathercomeau137]

Your spirit heals my heart 💜

[@gaylakay4132]

OH MY GOSH THIS COMMENT IS SO INCREDIBLE! What a generous thing to say. You've brought me such a sense of love with this, thank you so much Heather.

[@7Write4This9Heart7]

I'm so happy for you! So glad you've gotten to heal as much as you have, and I hope you continue to do so! I am still sadly trapped in my abusive hoarder parents' home, but I always hope I'll get out someday! If you can do it, hope I can, too! Thanks a lot for this vid! I have been wondering lately if my shifting/worsening fears/phobias of being dirty and stuff comes from living where I do. Would make sense! ;A; I also realized I dissociated a lot when I was younger, still do now, but even more intensely and for longer. It's kinda scary! Glad to know it's not just me! I'm turning my wild imagination into writing! I've wanted to be an author since I was little and am working on my first novel! Best of luck with your acting! I think you'll be AWESOME! >:D

[@SK-jp2ok]

Beautiful video, thank you for sharing 💕

[@anitalenardon7643]

My mom is not extremly dirty, I mean she does some cleaning like the dishes amd she vacuums the floor sometimes and sometimes also mops it but she does it only because I tell her. If I didn't tell her she would just clean occasionaly. She rarerly cleans the bathroom and I don't think she ever cleaned the fridge. I personally enjoy cleaning but the problem is that if I try cleaning, my mom says that I clean too much and my dad ashemes me for doing it...I want to cry. I am only 13...please answer to this comment

[@gaylakay4132]

Hello Anita! First off, it seems like you're having to be the responsible person in your household for cleaning and upkeep, which is not fair to you! You should NEVER be shamed for wanting a clean space, I want that to! If my parents were treating me this way I would want to cry as well, I'm so sorry you're going through this!! I will say this: it seems your parents are noticing a productivity in you that they themselves struggle with. The "problem" isn't that you want them to clean, or you want to clean by yourself, the REAL issue it that they have trouble motiving themselves to up keep the home! You are able to clean up easier than they are it seems, and that could be why they are giving you trouble for it. HOWEVER that does not EVER give them the right to tell you, you're doing something wrong by wanting to clean or by asking them to clean up after themselves. You should not be shamed for wanting this, you should PRAISED and acknowledged when you go out of your way to help clean up your house. I so deeply want you to feel seen and heard here. I'm sending you lots of love and the best vibes Anita! (PS sometimes the best thing to say when someone says something that hurts you is "When you say this, it hurts my feelings. I'm just trying to do what feels good for me" or what ever words feel true to you. I don't know how they will respond, but your feelings deserve to be heard by the people closest to you!!)

[@anitalenardon7643]

@@gaylakay4132 Thank you so much for answering☺ I hope things will get better... I wish you the best!!!!

[@gaylakay4132]

@@anitalenardon7643 I'm sure they will. You're so young and already wise to be able to articulate your feelings :) I will always respond! (Also I LOVE Kiki's Delivery Service/anything Studio Ghibli. Your picture is awesome! )

[@anitalenardon7643]

@@gaylakay4132 you're so kind, I am so happy that I found somebody that went thru my same situation! I love anime, I helps me distract☺

[@brain0nfire]

Those positive aspects were very correct and wholesome. I'd add that in many ways this experience makes us very mature individuals. PS: I'm painting you a portrait.

[@luciadigerlando3181]

I'm so glad you're back!

[@gaylakay4132]

Thank you Lucia!!! :)

[@summerlake356]

You have an ASMR voice!

[@shirleydaniels9310]

hoarding is a trauma response

[@alorashinpumar7309]

Mashah allah so beautiful

[@jantaljaard835]

She seem to be suffering from Anxiety Disorder.