Abuse I Was Too Autistic To Notice From My Family

[@dio69666]

Such a similar childhood to mine. At around 9 I started constantly lying about my personal tastes because I knew I would get ridiculed if I told the truth

[@divinealchemy3078]

Same, I would just give everyone the most generic answers and say stuff they wanted to hear to make myself super dull and boring so I dont give them material to make fun of me, and Ive kept the most authentic, true parts of myself reserved for only myself and people who deserved to see the real me...

[@sirwaddleton7328]

​@@divinealchemy3078 Yes! I can relate exactly to this.

[@Ummuri2000]

Same here, I've only just started exploring my actual interests at 24 and regularly get panicked when I do. I'm very sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you find ways to share what makes you happiest without being tormented for it ❤

[@SuperHappyNotMerry]

I did something similar. I would be very secretive about what I liked (what I now know we're special interests) because I didn't feel safe expressing any kind of passion at home out of fear of being ridiculed.

[@destroyraiden]

you not remembering your childhood can be a sign of abuse too basically you deleted chunks of your life due to how much harm, stress, or pain they put you through.

[@magentialice]

Actually forgetting your childhood is normal and the phenomenon is so common we have a name specifically for it called childhood amnesia. A bigger sign of past trauma is having present memory issues in your day to day life as that is a symptom of various mental disorders that can be caused by trauma

[@CloutKamui]

@@magentialiceforgetting SOME of your childhood is normal, but not having ANY memory from certain areas in your life is absolutely a sign of trauma

[@Andriak2]

I think this is the type of family where everyone hates themselves. I have one too and they expect you to hate yourself as well so they discourage you from any praise and always put you down so you learn to put yourself down

[@lordfreerealestate8302]

Being born disabled or neurodivergent makes you more at risk for being the family scapegoat - speaking as scapegoat who was both. We are four times as likely to be ab*sed by family/parents than our peers. Patrick Teahan is very helpful for learning about childhood trauma and the scapegoat role.

[@tacodude2687]

Yea, my family is having drama that involves me, my dad, and god awful stepmom Ann. Both of them know I’m neurodivergent (autism and ADHD) but do nothing to accommodate or understand the obstacles I face, and instead complain about how I act/do things differently than them. I would get overwhelmed from having to do the dishes (and having to touch the gross wet food because they don’t provide gloves) AND having a massive conversation with Ann about whatever. Ann is aware of how much I don’t like her and she doesn’t like me either (she also targeted my younger sister in the past for minor things to the point my sister moving out) and with every little thing I do or say, she’ll go off on me and complain to Dad about it, Dad getting mad at me for it.

[@Sephymuffins]

Patrick is amazing.

[@magnesiafrost1863]

You know what would be a funny family story?! You put sugar on your chips, your dad puts sugar on his chips, everyone else at the roadtrip puts sugar on their chips. Then you all start eating and all realize there is sugar on the chips and you all laugh because of the oopsie. This would be a funny family story where everyone ate sugary chips. Instead, they put you down for something which was not your fault.

[@magnesiafrost1863]

I‘ve an actually funny story from a roadtrip with friends: we decided to make a pause, seat at a table outside to eat hotdogs and coffee. Well the wife of my best friend started to prepare coffee and after everyone of us was seated, my friend and I decided to drink the coffee, it took a moment and we realized the coffee tastes really wierd, his wife took a sip, too and started laughing because she realized she used the sausage water instead the coffee water. Both were in similar looking thermos 😂. We just made new coffee with the other termos water :) Nobody was angry and the wife which prepared the coffee was the first one to laugh because I and my friend started to drink sausage water coffee 😅

[@SideB1984]

That’s a great reframe of experience. 😊

[@PruneJuice100]

and even if it was her fault its such a nothing incident like why are you bringing this up? like maybe i can see a chuckle in the moment because haha sugary fries but in what universe is that something you'd even remember? terrible family and im glad she got out :)

[@doofnoof5483]

What especially bothers me about the chips story is that this kid realized that she had put sugar on her chips, and out of the goodness of her own heart warned her family so they would not ruin their food. And her mother immediately zeroed in on her doing a Kind Thing, and turned it into a big hoot where they all punished Dana for making a mistake. The story they told could have easily been "and Dana LEAPT from her seat like Superman to stop her dad from pouring sugar on his chips, she completely saved breakfast" and everyone would go "aaawww how sweet, she must really love her dad

[@SpookyGhostpeppers]

"How can your family be abusive when they took you on holiday?" People dont understand that often when family goes out for holiday (or 'vacation' for me in the US), it is rarely ever made about you. Anytime we went on a vacation for 'me', it was clear that it was really for someone else-- my first concert at 16 was for a band my dad was a rabid fanboy for, my trip to Universal Studios for my 17th birthday was just for his girlfriend to go to the Harry Potter land. Nobody seems to care about what you actually want to do, and its always treated as a burden. And they still have the gull to say "we did xyz for you, you should appreciate it"

[@SpookyGhostpeppers]

(I should note that for the second example, I was forced to watch all of the Harry Potter movies within two days, I wasn't already a fan of the series or anything. At least with the concert I liked them enough to not mind too much, even if that band wouldnt have been my first choice-- ugh)

[@Crisjola]

You have just described my father in a paragraph except mine is more of a miserly jackwipe. Would get dragged to restaurants that had _exclusively_ spicy/hot Indian food (I love not hot Indian food) because my father was impressing his gf, and at the time I didn’t know I was allergic to the Nightshade family (V8 juice attempted to take me out when I was 15). Whenever he’d be _literally forced_ to interact with me by my mom who thought he might actually *care* he would always pick something close to what I liked, but it was always his favorite place. And considering I saw this man at most a few times a year… I hadn’t realized that this isn’t just normal deadbeat stuff. I don’t even have to bother with going no contact. He’s such a liar that he thinks because his birthday cards he sends me don’t get mailed back that he and I have a great relationship. Which is also wild.

[@laura.bseyoga]

Over the last few years, as I've been aware of my autism, I've been looking back at my childhood with a new lens. I've also been reluctant to call my parents abusive in the past, but it's not normal or proportional to bang your 2 toddler's heads together for "bickering", nor to hit your child over the hand with whatever cutlery is in your hand because they are "annoying"; it's abuse.

[@Zectifin]

This just made me remember when my mom was trying to do something with a tv and she was on the phone with the cable company. my mom wasn't very bright and she was bad with technology and she was doing a terrible job communicating with the guy and I kept trying to have her hand the phone to me or try to get her to press the buttons the guy was saying cus I could hear him it was so loud. she got annoyed and smacked me on the head with the remote. it wasn't hard. I have a hard giant head and i barely felt it. My mom was tiny and I was like 14 or 15 and already gone t hrough a growth spurt and probably over a foot taller than her, but I was always a big crybaby and so I started crying because I couldn't believe she would do that especially when I thought I was close with my mom. She brushed it off and told me to stop being a wimp and she never apologized for it. I'd totally forgotten about that and I didn't hate my parents as a kid, but I think that was around the time when I stopped respecting my parents because they would always talk about how I was such a good mannered kid and that I always listened, and yet I was given 0 respect.

[@mizotter]

These are definitely abusive behaviors and you are right to recognize them as such. I find it helpful to label the behaviors rather than the person. People can engage in abusive behaviors for a variety of reasons from time to time, even if the relationship or person is not abusive on the whole. It all depends on frequency & severity when trying to suss out how toxic/abusive a person or relationship is overall. I hope you are safe now.

[@Sheisme120]

That’s like death by 1,000 paper cuts. I’m so sorry they put you through that!

[@Eeveeswhimsicalwonders]

I should have spotted the red flags in my childhood/teenhood when: - I would get compared to my dad’s side of the family (looks wise), especially when I would be upset (both rightfully and wrongfully). - Whenever they would gaslight me into thinking I had a crush on someone when I really didn’t - They would sign me up for dance stuff just to humiliate me by making me practice in front of people, even when the discomfort was mutual. They threatened to take me out if I didn’t. - Using my Autism and other mental conditions to justify sending me to Catholic school. My step dad admitted it was just a way to punish me for trying to run away and getting locked up in the psych ward. I would write more, but the rest is a blur.

[@madmammoth9022]

I feel that second point. So many friendships and potential friendships I had with girls as a kid were completely destroyed because my mom would say stuff like "ooohhh is that your girlfriend?" And it would make me recontextualize those relationships because it instilled in me that platonic relationships with women were impossible or wrong. Genuinely my social development has been permanently stunted because of that. It's still very difficult for me to just be friends with someone I'm moderately attracted to because of how much my mom would do that shit. It literally got to the point where they suspected I was gay because I would only had men as friends. It's so frustrating when you already have social issues with talking to women in general, it's worse when the response to it is "You know we'll still love you if you're gay."

[@vvvvv9041]

oh my fucking god, the 'best friend' bangles. I think I tried to come out to my shitty family like 6 times, and every time my mom would pull some bullshit like this, my autistic ass would be like "hmmm I probably didn't explain it right, my fault as usual." In retrospect what could possibly be confusing about "I am a lesbian" UGH. This is such a difficult topic but really helpful to talk about I think, thanks for putting this out there :)

[@hyperionthelast4239]

Bro. Please stop trying to seek validation from shitty people. It really does suck limiting communication with family but sometimes it has to be done. My father for example screamed at me when I told him I was autistic

[@vvvvv9041]

@hyperionthelast4239 could not agree more! Been no contact for about five years, best decision I ever made

[@ShindaRatto]

I came out as trans. They threw a temper tantrum, banging on walls, crying, berating me, all that. Never talked about it again. It's been almost 10 years and I'm so repressed the tiniest hope of being able to live like my true self sends me spiraling. I'm pretty sure the constant medication so I won't off myself gave me brain damage at this point. I really tought they would listen lol. My stupid AuDHD ass.

[@Hopie_T]

I love my dad to bits and he loves me back, but growing up, every time I expressed interest in anything (a book, a tv series, a game psychology, philosophy, even doing things with other people) he would completely devalue it and say "eh, why are you bothering with that stuff?". And he wasn't like a strict parent who wanted me to focus on school or anything, but he would never take an interest or outright shit on everything I was doing and everything I was interested in, which were often special interests of mine that I was really passionate about. Then he would comment about it to his friends when we went out and they would sort of make fun of me like "Oh poor little kid, hasn't realized all of that stuff is silly yet", as if you grow out of liking anything as an adult. Maybe you do, but not as an autistic adult. It still hurts a lot.

[@ZhovtoBlakytniy]

That was the only thing my dad and I bonded over, just nerding out over music or cryptozoology stuff. He will call me out of the blue to talk about UFOs or bigfoot. If I ever wanted to talk to him about anything consequential to our personal lives, well being, advice he would quickly change the subject after making a twisted face and looking uncomfortable. He feels like an acquaintance :( Sometimes I wonder if I got my autistic genes from him. I also have a hard time talking about things "out of my area of expertise" I'm sorry you couldn't just tell him, it's such a nice feeling to share the things you're passionate about with the people you love.

[@samsarasuplex]

Oh my god. Me too. With the same disclaimer of "we all love each other and are working on ourselves now", I got so secretive and protective of my interests around family, my peers, even other "safer" adults because of this. I had little else to talk about other than my interests, so both my passions and socialization were associated with debilitating shame. Oops.

[@Hopie_T]

@@samsarasuplex Yeah I still don't really share my interests with people. Not more than a mention, not the way I would like, to get hyped and rant and over-explain, not in an enjoyable way. Because I don't want people shitting all over them and looking at me weirdly for being so passionate. My passion on things is one of my favorite traits about myself and I don't think anyone wants to see it. It's sad.

[@JaeIBe]

That's not love, that's abuse.

[@Hopie_T]

@@JaeIBe No, not really. It's just not connecting. I guess you could call it negligence... And there are good reasons for it considering the environment we grew up. I'm not saying it doesn't suck, but it's not abuse.

[@dreadpiratelenny1348]

It's so hard to understand and accept that ones closest family are the source of their pain and trauma. Those are exactly the people who should be protecting you from pain and trauma. It's extremely difficult and confusing to navigate such outrageous conditions.

[@PhilomenaAletheia]

💯❤🙏

[@cronchyskull]

When I was a kid I was OBSESSED with the idea of going to Paris. I was incredibly lucky that we got to go, but nobody was like "ugh, it's just a phase, you liking Paris! You'd better be grateful!" That's such a weird way to treat someone and I'm so sorry. Like, even if you didn't still like Doctor Who after all that time, you'd still have looked back at having a cool trip to an interesting place. No trip is ever wasted because of how we might be in the future!

[@lordfreerealestate8302]

It's like ab*sers hate to see you happy. They feel the need to undermine everything you like for the sake of contrarianism. Hope you had fun in Paris 💖

[@Sheisme120]

21:50 Victim blamers are just as problematic as abusers.

[@Sheisme120]

I was mentally abused growing up, but didn’t know that counted as abuse until I was 19.

[@magnesiafrost1863]

If you grow up with abuse, you think this is normal until you learn by accident how non abuse looks. Mental abuse is harder to detect than physical and sexual abuse. I experienced every kind of abuse and thought it was normal and this was my life until I realized how f upped my childhood and early teens were

[@citroenboter]

I just keep getting small flashes of so many things that were laughed at or seen as funny but were miserable for me. Things like not being able to walk 30 minutes on wet sand to some French island and staying back instead. So being stuck in the burning sun for hours without a single cent in my bank account, no food and no water, while my mom got my sister ice cream on the island. Then when I asked for anything once she was back she told me I should've come with her. I just have no idea why they did all these things. I was a child. I just don't get it. This video is so relatable. It's like they just treated me as an adult and never as a child. Any emotion that wasn't positive was punished or ignored. It took getting assessed for ADHD at 26 for me to hear someone say I had a bad childhood. The jabs at my looks, incredibly relatable too. Just wow.

[@goodandgreen]

Humiliating children is abuse. I believe you.

[@ScentralIntelligenceAgency]

That, "it can't be because (insert monetary thing here)" argument. FFS, it does NOT make up for the rest of stuff.

[@DanaAndersen]

I think it especially gets to me because THATS WHAT THEY WERE BETTING ON! I can’t even begin to explain how many times things that were gifts, treats, things I’d earned, etc. was used against me as a ‘well you got this’ during any kind of conflict 😅

[@oleonard7319]

@@DanaAndersen sounds like your family was a bunch of malignant narcissists

[@doofnoof5483]

I think it's super sweet that near the end of the video her cat came to check on her; he may not know why his human is upset, but he seems to love her quite a lot. He seems pleased as punch to be getting some chin scritches

[@khrysalis0289]

I relate to a lot of this, I was always mocked for misunderstanding things, especially mishearing. Once my Dad was reading something out loud and it was a list of animals, and he read "eagle, goat" and I heard evil goat, so I asked him if he said evil goat and he made fun of me for the next 15 years. He always tries to mock me and genuinely doesn't understand how cruel it is and why no one likes him.

[@Ummuri2000]

I'm sorry you had to go through that! Unfortunately, I relate a lot to that. I had learned pretty early to just smile and nod when I misheard stuff so I wouldn't get harassed for it, so my dad began critiquing how I spoke at every turn. I was in a French school, so I spoke English with a slight French accent and would be grilled every night for hours on words said I'd slightly differently than how he expected. Some things really don't need to become full-blown issues, and I wish he had understood that

[@paulinejulien9191]

The way your family treated you is SO not okay, and DEFINITELY abuse. It took me years to stop minimising what I went through by saying things like “it wasn’t that bad, some people have it much worse, there were good moments so the bad ones don’t count, etc”. You were your family’s scapegoat; they used you as a punching bag of sorts to get whatever unprocessed stuff they had out onto someone. It was cruel, selfish and incredibly mean. It doesn’t seem like they ever cared how that made you feel. I’m not surprised you struggle so much with self-esteem and have such a strong inner-bully, because that’s what you were unfortunately conditioned to feel about yourself… have you ever done therapy work on your childhood trauma? It sounds like it could help you realise how bad what you experienced was and the negative impact it had on how you view yourself. It’s a long process; I’ve been through it myself for years and it’s not over… I hope you know it was nothing to do with you; no one deserves to be treated like this. Things wouldn’t have been any different had you been anyone else. A book that really helped me through this journey and that I read twice is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, I highly recommend it 👍

[@Crisjola]

The “oh other people have it worse” thing hit so hard (and, mind, I’m autistic and physically disabled via bone malformations I was born with, so those get thrown at me as “I drive you to the doctor and let you stay in my house [where I pay rent] and most parents kick their kids out at 18”) when I was talking about my father _not feeding me_ as a toddler, which he was proud of, while he was the stay at home dad and my mom worked her own small business. So I got told “at least he wasn’t a pdf-file” by her, less than a year ago (I’m currently 33, and due to bone issues not able to drive for the last ten years more than maybe a few blocks if I absolutely have to to get to PT). Which was just gaslighting. Two things can be true at once: I was physically neglected and fed a singular banana or one half of a can of mushroom soup for the day, _and_ my father just happened to NOT be a perv. And I know why my mom says it still. Because she felt like it was a rock and a hard place. I didn’t end up in daycare from birth until she sold her business, but if we go that route, then my father being actively neglectful, and *telling her about it* means she didn’t really think he wasn’t feeding me, thus she blames herself. So of course we minimize what he did because it hurts too much. Eff my feelings on it, apparently. 🙄

[@mizotter]

Hey, Dana, I'm sorry your family didn't give you the love and support you deserved as a child. I'm sorry they couldn't celebrate your accomplishments and build up your confidence. You deserved a safe space where you could thrive. I am 60 and only just recently realized that as the youngest of 5 children, born when the youngest of them was 7, nearly all family interaction was abusive, much like your family. Making fun of my sensory issues and fears, interests and passions, humiliating me, invalidating my feelings, and treating me as if I was just too stupid for words were fun family pastimes. What got really weird was when I was the only one in my family to EVER go to uni, earn degrees, and have a profession, they still spoke of me as if I were just ridiculously stupid. Well, the joke's on them! I had a highly successful career as a teacher, researcher, & writer, then retired at age 55. I spend my days enjoying the garden, hiking, kayaking, and playing music. Our parents and 2 sibs are dead, but I finally stopped trying to get the remaining 2 to like me. They CANNOT treat me with love, warmth, or kindness, no matter what! They are always cold or cruel. They've never invited me to spend time with them or visit them. I finally hosted the family for the last time one year ago. Now I match their energy--which is zero! Congratulations on coming to see the truth of your situation at a young age! Your life will be so much more peaceful and joyful! I'm glad you shared your story, and I hope it helps you in some way to be heard, seen, and understood. Sending you BIG LOVE.

[@madamenordica]

Similar experience. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone :)

[@SideB1984]

@@madamenordicasame! I 3rd this! So glad we are doing ok now. ⚡️🩵

[@lizzieblades]

Thank you for sharing this. That's so cool! Seeing your comment is motivating to me because I've been thinking about getting a master's degree. It's just really cool to hear about your career and retirement hobbies.

[@mizotter]

@@lizzieblades I got my Master's in The Teaching of Writing, and not only did it make me a much better teacher, but it really deepened my knowledge and enjoyment of language, rhetoric, and literature. Staying in touch w/ PhDs in my field also helped me protect my students from some harmful trends in education, because when I resisted, I could provide the academic research that backed me up. I'm glad I never listened to those who discouraged me from education. All those mfers are long gone, and my education brings me joy every day. Now that this platform has so many amazing scholars and other content creators, I come to class every day at YTU and continue my lifelong learning! I also get to interact with so many beautiful people via writing, and I LOVE that! Listen to your inner voice; stay true to you. Do what YOU want to do with your one, precious life! Be well!

[@DarkstrifeQueen-v8v]

Basically my childhood too. You can’t even imagine how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep because of them. 😢

[@brainchildren7140]

Oh man, the mean/humiliating nicknames are very relatable. I also have a difficult time calling what I experienced abuse, although logically at this point in my life I can recognize there was absolutely psychological abuse. It mostly came from my father, but I’ve since realized that my mother staying silent and allowing him to treat me that way was pretty abusive in and of itself. I was well into my 20s by the time I realized the way my parents treated me wasn’t normal. I had to set up really strong boundaries. I haven’t cut anyone off entirely and sometimes I think maybe I should, but other times it seems easier to just remain cordial on the surface level and accept things as they are. It’s tough being the family blacksheep/autistic

[@mayumayudreams]

Unfortunately this is what it’s like growing up with bullies. It’s not healthy to constantly live and appease bullies in your life, even if you’re related. I also cut contact with my family. When in therapy, I would talk about more of the big things that happened. But this video reminded me about all of the small things that happened too. It’s been 4 years and I don’t regret it. Life is harder is some ways, financially, since cutting contact. But I genuinely have been able to become a much better, genuine, and healthier person since then.

[@tashkie]

I was listening to this in the background while cleaning my room and now I'm sitting down rethinking my entire childhood because sooo much of my childhood was like this, especially with the little jabs and comments. I never realised how much it affected my self esteem and my willingness to be vunerable with people and even just share parts about my life and interests. If I ever expressed discomfort, it was always "it's just a joke" or "you're being overdramatic".

[@famitory]

the world needs a moratorium on the word "overdramatic". literally got diagnosed with a chronic pain condition and STILL get called "dramatic" for making pain noises when exerting effort.

[@awomanwithaplan]

Not only not allowed to enjoy the "nice things they did for you," but also, they were making a point of not enjoying it either, and not enjoying being with you while you were (doing your best to) enjoying it.....and so as a result, you're left with the feeling that they're all looking at you as if to say, "...best get this whole thing over with. It's such an imposition, you know. We have better things to be doing than this." I'm so sorry, Dana. It's like a back-handed compliment. "Look at this nice thing we're doing for you (because we'll never get any peace otherwise)." I wonder if your Dad was there, but not there, because your Mom was treating him like crap too,, wearing him down, bit by bit, week in and week out, year after year, and that was the only way he could manage the situation....Just a thought.

[@duerremueller3609]

the "little" things add up. You deserved better

[@cheeto.burrito]

Your mother shouldn't be playing the "devil's advocate", she should be _your_ advocate. There's no world in which a good mother advocates for an abusive man over her daughter.

[@AM-pleistocene]

This came at the right time for me as i have been estranged from my mum for almost 6 months now, and this is the first christmas without her. I feel guilty about it but everytime i remember how shes abused me in every way I feel fine with my decision. When i think of who she really is the guilt disappears. I was her therapist since i was about 5 and if i didnt give her the right advice she'd be verbally, emotionally and even physically abusive. She kept me around her with guilt, she guilt tripped me about everything. She never protected me and didnt care when i was in abusive relationships. One time i got beat up really bad and i called her and she straight up told me she didnt care, and it was all because i was spending more time at his house than with her (i had no choice btw he would lock me in his room, but she didnt care about that). She acted like a child and needed me to be her parent. She isolated and financially controlled me, i couldnt do anything. But I'm free now. There are loads of things you said here which i only just realised my parents did... also when you said that when you think about what your family gave you, you couldnt think of anything other than being slightly financially better off because your mum would buy you some clothes sometimes... same here lmao. My mum would actually insist on buying me stuff i didnt even want sometimes, always stuff she wished i liked, which was really just stuff she liked. I feel allergic to anything she likes tbh. Anyway i know if you got through the holidays without your family, i can too!

[@DanaAndersen]

Oh Lordy, buying me stuff I didn’t even actually want but she liked it/wanted me to like it, I had that too 😭 Holidays post family estrangement can be a real mixed bag, I’m definitely going to be making some content around it this month, but please take care of yourself like they should have, be kind to yourself, and I personally always try to just get in the spirit and have a good time, even if it’s just to spite them 😂💕

[@AM-pleistocene]

​@@DanaAndersen thank you for your kind words Dana, I will definitely be having a good time regardless. I put up the Christmas tree with my partner which was lovely, so feeling better about it! Looking forward to your videos about this, though no pressure it's your channel! Hope you have a great Christmas!

[@ZhovtoBlakytniy]

@@DanaAndersen This was such a thing from all the women in my mom's family! I am a woman, but I am definitely gender nonconforming (everyone called me a tomboy growing up). I also do NOT care about brand allegiance or fashion trends, I always hated clothes shopping. They would try to push fashion brands on me and fashionable or girly clothes on me that were super uncomfortable for both sensory reasons and feeling like I was in a "sissy girl" costume. Yeah, I heard "oh, your family sounds _so terrible_ . I wish my parents were mean enough to make me wear designer clothes!" /s

[@lizzieblades]

Wishing you a wonderful Christmas. The first year was tough for me, which I think is common. I hope that you plan something nice, buy yourself nice things, brainstorm activities,... I hope that it's great and that you embrace your freedom and feel the accomplishment of doing this by/for yourself!

[@suppertimesims]

You should read the book by Lindsay C. Gibson "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". Its fantastic and will help you understand more about why they act the way they do

[@undertheradar001]

When somebody is a undiagnosed child, families still know that they are different. Some families will accommodate and try to get the best for the child. Toxic families will target such a child, knowing that they cannot properly stand up for themselves, will not lie, and easily be tricked and manipulated and stolen from or have their things broken by toxic siblings. . My mother was religious, but has a violent and purely evil side. Acording the the same Bible (that my mother cherry picks her scriptures from (to suit her self)), one claiming to be of God, who will not provide for their own (love, stability, bonding, nurturing, food, clothing , shelter, (especialy protection), etc), is considered by God to be worse than an unbeliever (because unbelievers provide for their own). My other family members are every bit as toxic. They knew I had developmental problems and would call me names I would get banned off youtube for repeating. In narcissitic families, hate-crime against your own is acceptable. I understand you Dana. I got diagnosed this year, at 53, and the abuse went on all of my life. You don't have family duties to anybody who abused or neglected you; especially as a disabled child. I had to break free also.

[@destroyraiden]

absolutely people your family can be both abusive and take you on trips! 100% this is why it's so confusing when your family abuse you so you'll stay trauma bond requires you have good times so the victim can live off that while their family kill them mentally, emotionally, spiritually you best believe you can have years of good with sprinkles of bad and years of bad or if your neglect which is also abuse years of nothing while they let you starve emotionally, mentally, for connection, for their approval you best believe you can have both.

[@girlsnightgirIsnight]

i was bullied so much by my own family growing up that i lost interest in life. even my personality… my brain minimized everything to spare me the hurt, but then what’s left? my stepfather specifically actively enjoyed making me cry.

[@telofy]

For calibration, if someone calls you “brat” and you don't like it and they keep doing it: I'll be livid, I won't want to meet that asstard, and I'll want to get their victim (you) to cut all ties with them too. I'm glad you did. I've had sharp culture friends who would tease each other (each other!) like that. But if they notice that the other person didn't take something well, they'd apologize and definitely never repeat it.

[@reptilianhive9999]

ironically i realized i should have given up on my neglectful parents just recently. like literal 3 days ago. so seeing this on my feed feels so. understanding? vindicating? i relate is the thing and im glad there are others like me, like us that can help eachother im sorry for me and for everyone that had to go through some variation of this situation... all a shame...

[@SideB1984]

I’m 40 and just now fully saw it. I think we have some developmental challenges that keep us from getting out for a while. I did/do, at least. Much love to you.

[@destroyraiden]

don't knock yourself (lves) if you were neglected you had to be real creative to keep surviving with a bunch of people who'd watch you drown and eat popcorn over it and mostly that was finding someway to bond or at least seem bonded to them and get use to the nothing void that was their "love and care" for you. It's harder to leave them for people who are neglected I think cuz they left you years before you woke up to even the concept of you need to leave them and for some it was at birth they left you and you spent your whole life or huge chunks of it trying to crap fit to the idea of their treatment of you is "normal" there was no other way it could be you learned that you were not a first nor last priority and had to live anyhow raise yourself anyhow, you were the parent that stayed and that could be a 5 year old piloting the show in current day. A child can't process that (their caregivers are neglecting them) the thing a child needs more then food or warmth is connection if a baby doesn't have that it dies fast if it can't make up and make believe there is a connection with neglectful people it's a goner you both are strong those neglected by their families are fucking super human they survived a fucking black hole and didn't get any acknowledgement for doing it no history blip will be written on it yet they're still here, still alive, and beyond capable of healing and or leaving those who didn't care about them or they don't think of you so routinely it became common place to not included you for years on end.

[@HandsOfLavinia]

This wasn’t boring at all. I’ve felt for the longest time (I’m 37) that I was completely unique in how I experienced things and that it wasn’t possible for anyone to understand me (and therefore I’d try to hide it). The traumas you talk of are exceptionally similar to some of the ones I experienced as a child (and as an adult). Our interests too and how they’d be brushed off by others. I also went no contact with family and it completely changed my life. But up until the algorithm sent your videos my way I hadn’t explored the topic of autism because it petrified me. Many people have suggested that I might be on the spectrum but I’ve had so many other diagnoses (including personality disorder, broadly) that I didn’t really want another. I’m now considering seeking one. Your experience has opened my eyes to my own behaviours and it explains a lot about why I am the way I am and where I fit in with the rest of society (which I really think I don’t). All of a sudden I don’t feel so misunderstood and over the last two weeks I’ve been able to reflect on many instances that could easily be categorised as an autistic response. You have given someone some clarity in his little life. Keep up the good work, the world needs you in it!

[@ZhovtoBlakytniy]

Good luck on your journey.

[@suppertimesims]

You should read the book by Lindsay C. Gibson "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". Its fantastic and will help you understand more about why they act the way they do

[@lunaflower226]

Watching your video made me notice the similarly things that my family has done to me. Even things that I didn't realize was abuse. When I was a child, I also had the same issue with nicknames given to me that you had. One I remember though being called is "The screamer" because no one would listen to me and I would raise my voice to the point of screaming to be heard and noticed. My birth dad even put that nickname on a dogtag for me where my other siblings had nicer nicknames that matched tjeir actual name. It made me cry and instead of being comforted, I was told that I was overreacting.

[@gabrielwebb6714]

Overweight autistic lesbians unite! My family is a lot like yours, it's a mindfuck

[@faye6459]

Too tired to share my family horridness, but you have my empathy as I had a bit of a subtle style of rejection etc and also didn't think I had it too bad as a kid. Big hugs and cat cuddles at ya x

[@goodandgreen]

I’m proud of you for choosing low contact no contact. I was abused because I’m neurodivergent. I believe abusive relationships have felt comfortable in the past because it feels like my concept of family. I need to be very careful who’s in my life and if they are taking care of themselves or are available when challenged on their behaviour. I also have to take care of myself and accept that I may be told my behaviours inappropriate, and then I need to decide if the behaviour is integral to who I am then I am not compatible. Learning to walk away.

[@brandonmiller2795]

It's so important to talk about things like this. The abusers never will, and they certainly don't want other people to know about it.

[@SparkleDragon547]

Take breaks. Be kind to yourself. This stuff is hard to deal with. I was an only child, but I felt so much pressure to rescue my mom and conform to my dad’s wishes. Blamed myself for decades. Only recent realized that dad was an abuser. I don’t know who I am. I feel like I’ve been programmed to become who others need me to be. Everything unique feels like a symptom or something that’s bad. And now it means I’m hurting others through people pleasing and manipulation. And myself. And am conscious of it all. But changing seems to require too much work. It’s too painful. It spikes anxiety and panic and guilt.

[@bjarnivalur6330]

Going to a friends house who has a healthy family was such a weird experiences, I thought they were a bunch of weirdos but, turns out, I was the one who had a weird and neglectful family.

[@moonlitkitsune7638]

I absolutely agree with this. I was considering going no-contact with my parents before my mother died and my father passed away like 6 months later. I went to a counselor to get help with grief counseling and anxiety. It was only when I said things out loud that I realized the abuse I had gone through and had normalized. Some of it was so obvious that I would have reported it to authorities if it were anyone else. At the same time, other things were so subtle that only saying it out loud highlighted how messed up things were.

[@92zbf91]

I just want to say: thank you. This video and the one you made about your ex made me realize SO MUCH STUFF in my life. I think i'm going to seek for a formal diagnosis. I gotta say that financial abuse (in the ways you describe it) are really fkng normalized in latin american families. I also experimented this way of control with romantic partners too.

[@MacabreEruditon]

It is scary how much I relate to your experiences both from childhood and your long relationship. I was the scapegoat of my family: my dad was also very encouraging when we're alone, my mom was the aggressor, my sister was the golden child. I also was in an abusive relationship with a man for 8 years (married for 5) and I let him two years ago. I'm now with my girlfriend who has helped me heal and get so many things about my health taken care of. I've discovered I'll probably be diagnosed with Autism according to multiple assessments, but that's an expensive process over here in the states. Also, my birth name is also Dana. :)

[@rosevalety3408]

What makes me both sad and angry is that everything told here reflects at some point or an other to what I lived through. I'm self diagnosed with Autism, and diagnosed bipolar, and while I still gazlight myself into thinking 'it wasn't that bad', I was neglected, laughed at, and I realized only a few weeks ago that the reason I never understood why I felt so lonely growing up without never having a real episode of being left being was that I actually was always physically left alone. I grew up with both my parents and 2 brothers, and as the last kid, raised as a girl, I never managed to fit in in my siblings dynamics. Sure I was 'loved' and received a lot more of attention than my brothers, but I was always trying to outdo myself to be noticed. I was always reminded how little I was by my brothers (4 and 7 years older), that I couldn't play with them because of that, and I just understood that I needed to show how competent I was so they would deem me 'worthy' enough to let me stay with them. My parents were basically non-existent in doing things with us, my father was literally a ghost living with us, and my mother was overworked between her teacher job, 3 kids and the whole household to just have any energy left to do anything with us. I basically grew up playing alone all the time, creating epic stories with my toys and making imaginary friends to stall out loneliness. To me, I wasn't even 'lonely', it was just how it was, and I actually found that being alone was just better than staying hours listening to adults saying boring things and waiting for it to be over. I found peculiar hobbies like watching bugs, finding rocks, creating more stories in my head and then later, I found drawing which basically shaped my whole life from then on. At school, I had a real hard time socializing. I had some people I wanted to be friends with, but they either hated me for being different or they were fighting each other over child grudges instead of having fun, I hated it. But my struggles weren't noticed, because I threwed everything into learning (I loved learning, I was a very, VERY curious child), I thought that by being the best at everything, and listening so closely to what the adults would teach us, the kids would see how good of a person I'd be and they'd love me, just like my parents (and by extention the adults, especially the teachers) would seem to love me and praise me when I did good at school. So I didn't understand when it did the exact opposite, and everybody basically became unjust and evil in my eyes, because couldn't they see how hard I was trying to be my best self ? Why didn't they play by the rules ? Why were the people doing less than me having friends while I was actively being bullied ? So I retracted myself even more into playing solo. Obviously, people hated me for existing, then I wouldn't seek them (even if I wanted to). The few people who actually wanted to join me in playing imaginery things, I would have fought for them, I actually did and I felt so strong and proud to have stood up for them. Standing up for myself tho, that wasn't going to happen, since when I told my mother I was being picked on at school, she told me in her great wisdom : 'Just let it be'. Thanks to that, I internalized that I had to let my bullies do whathever they wanted of me instead of protecting myself, all because my mother thought that an 8 years old (autistic) kid could understand the concept of 'rising above'. Oh she would tell me how special and advanced I was, how I was so intelligent and 'precocious', but never the thought that me being a special needs kid ever crossed her mind. Her child ? Autistic ? No way, her kid couldn't be bad like all these weird kids (except these kids I actually remember I connected to them in a way I didn't with anyone else, but still cut them off because mom told me to stop hanging with them). Was I severely abused ? Probably not. My parents provided for everything we needed in terms of food, housing, clothing, we never lack anything materially. But was I neglected and psychologically manipulated and involuntarily abused ? It breaks my heart to say I think I was. I'm grateful for what my parents did for us, but damn how I hate all the subtle manipulation and degradation I suffered from since my childhood through my teenager years and now into my adult life. I was already depressed at 13, tried to off myself at 15, today I'm 24 and I've fallen into depression again from all the stress and anxiety of being a student, I'm still struggling with abandonment issues and putting up with thrash behaviors I'm still subjected to mainly by my partner, I'm full on bipolar, and being gazlit into thinking it's all because I don't try hard enough. I know everyone tries their best, so why can't people beleive me when I say I'm doing my best too. I am supposed to assume everybody is doing their best but I am not enough ? And then being gazlit into 'just be yourself' but then I am suddenly I'm just a hassle to live around ? I am asking for the cues to the unseen rules of people, but 'there are no rules !', but then again if so why am I being told I'm not doing it hard enough ? I swear neurotypicals are stupid or unaware. Probably both. Make up your mind and think about your inbuilt systems and why you're saying one thing and the contrary, it's confusing and exhausting to try to read in between the lines and untangling what's something to keep and what's utter gazlighting non-sense.

[@dynogamergurl]

Yep can relate, my dad is the only one that defended me and paid attention to my interests. My mother never had anything nice to say about anyone unless it was intended to hurt someone else by being strategically“kind” to selective people. My hair was always “a mess” and my big butt and belly was always a problem. And when I’d ever put on makeup and make myself presentable it was always “why are you wearing/doing all that?”

[@rstrid5505]

This is called complex trauma. You can look up the search terms little T versus big T trauma.

[@Yuffie13]

I'm so sorry you went through all that crap with your family. Anyone who invalidates that kind of abuse isn't worth your time and energy: abuse doesn't have to be violent for it to be abuse. I kind of see a bit of my brother in what you said about your brothers. I think I brushed off his teasing as just typical sibling behaviour at first, but when I look back I see that he really lacked empathy and acted narcissistic. Like the car engine thing, it reminded me of how twice my brother wanted me to go in on buying something because he couldn't afford it on his own, and I damn near did because I trusted him, but either my mom would clue in that he was exploiting me or my Spidey-sense would kick in and I'd back out. Now I look back and think, "There was no way he'd let me use that Sega Game Gear he wanted to buy from that classified ad. He was totally using me." And he would totally bring up my unflattering moments as a joke months (maybe even years) after they happened, like the time I mispronounced Johnny Depp's name. Or saying that I was obsessed with The Lion King as a kid in front of his future in-laws (which I take pride in now because it's a strong sign that I'm totally autistic, but at the time it felt like an easy way for him to embarrass me).

[@YamileYemoonyah]

For anyone who is or was in an abusive relationship, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you understand what’s happening, how to do decide if you should stay or go, how to leave, and how to not end up in the same situation again.

[@criticalmaz1609]

It's not the actions themselves but the underlying malice that shows through when toxic people do things like that... My family were eerily similar -- right down to my mother's reaction when I tried to claw my way out of an abusive "relationship" that I'd been trapped in for nearly a decade.

[@aronyro]

I get the impression that you were confronted with like a double standard from your family when it comes to gender, especially when you talk about your girl friend, such a nasty thing to do to your kids. I can relate to the bud of the joke, because when I was young I knew I was made fun of, but I did not know how to respond really. I have to say though that from one of my siblings it was more like a teasing and they wanted to be teased back or like a reaction from me, like their weird expression of wanting to engage with me, but it is hard to know. It is good to keep healthy distance to the people you just know it will not get much better with, because now you have the distance to take inventory and like set boundaries. love your cat! :)

[@minkwells8434]

Hard relate to all this and it makes me sad, for you and me.

[@urbiznesnunuv6938]

As an autistic person who was raised by absolutely shit people myself this was like looking in a mirror. My family would often emotionally overstimulate me then punish me for it- then often make fun of me being quite pissed that they did that. They even tormented me over failing 9th grade algebra (everybody failed it that year) And yeah often I was treated as free labor because my stepdad was too fucking stubborn to buy a dolly or anything to make maneuvering rusty ass engines easier. I’m so sorry this happened to you too. 😢

[@ZhovtoBlakytniy]

I can relate to a lot of it, especially from my maternal family. They were just cruel at times, I never ever felt like they liked me even when I was a little kid. I definitely had almost exclusively mean nicknames, I won't even write them because they're pretty upsetting and might bother other people reading them. My grandma is a narcissist and a family matriarch that nobody will stand up to or else she will shun them, and if they mingle with shunned people they get tainted in her eyes too. It's like a cult. So, I haven't gone to any family events in almost a decade now because she would be there and her blood pressure might go up. All of them walk on eggshells because of her BP, at least that's what they claim. My mom, who I still have plenty of contact with, is a tainted and practically shunned one and on the verge of letting go of any hope. She wasn't always the best to me either. Mom would threaten violence (never do it) all the time and play it off like a joke. Maybe it was a bad joke, but it was never funny. My dad was just always just distant "you know that side of your family is the crazy side". He just never bothered to defend me. That side of the family probably hated me because I wouldn't just conform to their idea of how a girl should took, talk, act, or play. I hated babydolls, dresses, trendy stuff, doing my hair. I liked to catch bugs, talk about airplanes and wars, had short hair, ran around barefoot, and I really loved human anatomy. I would draw naked people (like the statue of David or birth of Venus style). My grandma, who is prudish, called me sexually charged slurs as a teen over this fact. She would body shame me for having a curvy body. My mom sometimes had some really mean stuff to say, a lot of it about things I can't help. She was always rude to me about being blonde for some reason, she'd call me a "dumb blonde". What is funny is I have an IQ much higher than she has, so when she found out about my test results she lied and said her IQ was 10 higher so I wouldn't get out of place with her as a kid. She told me about that years later as an adult. She seems to have gotten a lot better about the mean stuff after I moved out and she has asked for forgiveness. She has obviously been working on herself, I'm proud of her. It doesn't heal all the damage, but it does help a little. I only see her a few times a year because I live hours away, but we talk on the phone a lot. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? I'm late diagnosed in my 30s, so I really struggled because I believed I am just a bad person and making life awful for everyone. Turns out, no, those weren't bratty tantrums. I wasn't just trying to make life harder on everyone, disrespectful to adults, a picky princess, throwing my life away (pursuit of interests), rude, or un-loveable. Thanks for reading my novel 😀

[@clavicull]

Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable. I've recently left a very long relationship and feel those barbs of like, "What was so bad that you had to end things" and it's never enough that it was a bunch of little things building up over time, there has to be SOME BIG HORRIBLE THING to be allowed to leave

[@SOSPuff]

I'll be 40 in a month, diagnosed AuDHD less than 2 years ago, and I can relate to so much of this! At family gatherings, there's always this moment of 'Remember when (me) got...' And I only realized that was not OK after my diagnosis. The biggest one was 'Remember when (me) scared Aunt J so bad because he wandered off on the beach when he was 1.5 years old? And that she only found (me) because there was a small gathering of adults around that crying toddler? Man, (me) really scared her!' And it's only recently that I've been able to openly say 'Hold on, I was a fucking toddler! I didn't escape her supervision, she FAILED to watch me, I'm not to blame here!' So now I'm trying to unravel all that belief system.

[@chrisburchfield6733]

Not a 1-to-1 for me, but your story is similar to a friend group I used to be in. The triggering event was when I was told off for a couple of memes I shared - ended up realizing that I was the butt of all the group's jokes. I was fed up with it and ultimately left without saying bye or anything. Friends shouldn't be like that, and family DEFINITELY shouldn't be like that.

[@gunkbuggie]

I feel the same way.. idk i also feel uncomfy calling it abuse but idk. It is, my brain just doesnt want to believe it. Idk y, when i was a kid i rly never wanted my parents to show up to my events. I have no idea what happened with that bc i cant remember what made me first uncomfortable with them, but even today i dont feel comfortable being vulnerable with them.

[@destroyraiden]

the chip thing absolutely can be traumatic don't hand wave it that's rejection, mocking, and the terror of not fitting in and you couldn't do anything, you couldn't clear your name and as a kid you didn't have to for making a mistake but yeah that was family dysfunction at play and yes that would be harming to a child and even an adult if they were dependent on the opinions of others for sure!

[@robylintjables]

Completely relatable. I stopped talking to my mom a year ago. Thank you for the videos.

[@angrymushroom26]

Man, this is crazy relatable. I remember my family constantly being douchey like this to me too so much that I can't deal with people doing small "Friendly" jabs and japes mocking each other, It is NEVER friendly it is always hurtful. The thing that gets me is the "you aren't going to know how real life is going to be like with out us." when really they are the draining and exploitative. I left my family and was fine and they fell apart but always told me how much they supported me for being useless. Families need to always look at their behavior because it always seems they become the most hateful of people from a place of "love."

[@StarDustwolf77]

I have the same feeling with my dad. He is here and I love him, but he's always busy doing stuff for other people. He is also autistic and hates touch, I respect that. But, he's never hugged me. In ny entire eighteen years, he hasn't hugged me once. I understand why, but it still makes me sad.

[@allofthepicklesplease]

I felt this video a lot. A lot more than I was expecting. There are ups that happen with my family, but most of them are downs. The downs are extreme, too. They do feel like downs mostly, and when you talked about how you give a shit about your family but they don’t you, I felt that. A lot. The worry I have my for my parents because of the multiple times they have drilled into my head that if they *** it’s thanks to me has gotten to me to an extreme level. That feels like the glue that is currently keeping me near my family right now, besides the fact that I am currently stuck though. I live in the U.S., a conservative area, that if my mother was normal and stayed in the famously progressive city where she was born, I would not be in this conservative area. It’s so fucked that I don’t really have an out either. I feel I’m trapped in their house because my autism and persecutory delusions from childhood trauma from my neurotypical classmates because I was undiagnosed until last year hinder me from talking to people let alone getting progress done. Thanks for this video, it’s opened my eyes.

[@allofthepicklesplease]

I have a lot more I could delve into but I would rather not dump. I feel bad for even commenting in the first place as much info as I did, but genuinely this video helped a lot. Thank you.

[@DanaAndersen]

@allofthepicklesplease You’re more than welcome to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with, and i really get the same feelings and benefits, reading comments from people who can relate like this, as you do watching the video!

[@allofthepicklesplease]

@@DanaAndersen I’m very glad you said this, i find solice in hearing these experiences because it helps me understand, i have a hard time understanding things in general so this was a huge step. I genuinely just am going through a lot and since it’s been like bad thing after bad thing for as long as I can remember, I tend to switch moods a lot. Comfortably uncomfortable I guess? I can’t really leave so… yeah. But yes genuinely thank you for this, I never truly thought of it as “the little things can add up over time” my brain just would say “little things are little things, they’ll eventually evaporate since they’re little” (a sentiment I got from my Mother) and ultimately yeah obviously this has helped me understand that the little things will be too much eventually that they’ll pile on, so thank you. Genuinely.

[@Ummuri2000]

Thanks for sharing, I've never heard someone describe experiences so similar to what I'd gone through growing up before ❤

[@an.autistic.person]

Ugh I typed a whole thing out and then accidentally erased it. My family sucks, too. My older sister would manipulate me into doing things I won't mention. She'd even attack me and if I tried to retaliate, I'd get in trouble by my mom. Even as adults, she'd find ways to swindle me out of money, like borrowing and never paying back. She stole 3 guitars from me over the years. Committed bank fraud by stealing my GST check and cashed it. Always lying, no accountability. I cut out my whole family because they consider her the golden child and I'm never allowed to be upset over how she treats me. My mom also went out of her way to deprive me of any happiness. Dad, he abandoned us when i was 11. Sorry your family is no better.

[@UnvisibleGirl]

Sounds like they treated you like the gryphons treat meg in family guy, like the family punching bag, meteorically of course 😞

[@meg5898]

Very relatable especially having a narc father. I don't know why he even had kids

[@okaythanksmaria]

thanks for sharing this. i think it's important for us to share & hear each other's experiences with the different shades of toxic family dynamics. because i think a lot of people think if they didn't explicitly get beaten or whatever, then their childhood was fine. but there are many ways that family structures can be damaging, outside of physical harm. i really resonate w what you shared as a fellow autist, lol.

[@lizzieblades]

Hi Dana! Ahh this video hit so close to home and I'm bookmarking it for reference. My dad was also absent in that he was asleep in the middle of the house lol? (after having a few drinks.) Recently I've been working through things and thinking a lot, and I wondered if he just didn't want to be a part of the family and wanted to distance himself. But then I think more, and I have to keep in mind that he was an adult who was actively contributing to the family dynamics and toxic system. So while I feel a little bad about many angles of thinking about my dad's life and circumstances, I'm trying to remember that he made a lot of choices along the way. Thanks for letting me share!

[@estatualgui]

Thank you so much for sharing. I can only imagine it is hard, but I promise you that thoughtful people are listening, learning, and super appreciative of what you do and who you are ❣️

[@britjoyful]

Thank you so much for this video and all the videos you’ve done so far. My husband recently got his diagnosis at age 30 and your videos helped him a lot. Funny enough, in this process, I realized I relate to him more than I do not. He encouraged me to do my own research, and you are one of the people that I’ve been able to relate with so well. So thank you so much and I’m so glad you decided to share your experiences. 🖤🖤🖤

[@Andyy152]

Im 10 minutes into thie video and i relate to much to it (and im autistic too) my family is the biggest of mean nicknames and comments until i would cry bc it was so mean. I also helped on everything, im the youngest sibling and my brothers are 5 and 11 years older and i helped in a lot of moving out and it was so heavy it hurted me. I also had to live for times with my brother to take care of his child and i hated it i dont like taking care of kids its overstimulating and tiring. But i dont have a choice

[@bremagination]

Not autistic, but I relate to the part where you talked about your family not supporting you in theatre. I've been through that with my parents too. I remember begging my parents to put me in theatre instead of ROTC back in high school. In the early years, only my mom would show up and said nothing nice about my performance until my teacher showed up. At junior year, I made a big scene at the induction ceremony, and on the car ride home, my mom said she would never show up to any of my shows again. Little did I know she meant it. I the later years, I had to beg my grandmother and my sister to see my performances. On top of that, I had my 18th birthday at the theatre and my mom was there, pretending she was so invested in my shows. It hurt. The very least you could do was support me.

[@nidgithm]

theres a lot i can relate to here. the things in isolation dont seem like a big deal, but its just the combination of everything and the fact that it happens again and again for years without rest, it really messes you up. but because its all so little people just brush it off as nothing and dont take it seriously. even the best psychologist i ever had refused to really take it seriously. but i find it hard to call what happened to me abuse because its all the little things. its not like they beat me up and threw me in a river or something also the thing where its mainly the mom doing things and the dad is just kinda there but also not. its the same for me but i rarely hear of other people having that kind of family situation, so its comforting(??) to see im not the only one for once

[@HaveAGreatDay54]

Those missing chunks of your childhood may be a blessing. My memory of my childhood is vivid. It makes it so much more difficult to forgive their absolute ignorance. But that is what they were. Ignorant. I was not diagnosed until the age of 45. No one knew that I was perceiving the world so differently than they were.

[@evermore331]

It saddens me that you feel the need to caveat and explain why what you experienced was not okay so many times. It's not okay that so many cling to the assumption that something was a one off incident, an exception to the rule, until people present example after example of abuse. I'm sorry for what you went through and I wish you healing

[@scaleonkhan183]

3:07 they called me drama queen!!!! It’s just bullying. They bullied you your entire life. Good riddance 18:25 OH MY GOD MY PARENTS DID THIS TOO

[@emilysmall2777]

My partner and I have went through such similar things. This sounds so familiar.

[@Jasmine-b9u4z]

The way I'm lucky with Abuse issues is I can tell if abuse is in my sight even if I can't guess which sort it is. Plus my grandma letting me do things my own way and saying encouraging words to strengthen me especially after being treated like an outcast in public or on media sites.

[@rebeccalivingston7465]

💜💜💔💔 the name calling, the stories about me. As an only child this was hard. Relatable.

[@meganw6007]

US here, non-Dr. Who watcher (so forgive the ignorance not being able to tell) ... What's the special allure at ~16:20 about Cardiff and going there? Is there something special about Dr. Who and that city/town? What makes going to *Cardiff* neater than like, IDK, Bristol or Newcastle or some other city?

[@DanaAndersen]

Ahahaha so valid! When new who picked up in 2005 it had a good few years with Cardiff as a sort of home base, they’d dress it up to look like London or Mars or wherever, but it was all filmed around Cardiff for the most part, and then the spin of Torchwood like really heavily leant on being in Cardiff.

[@meganw6007]

@@DanaAndersen ahhhh neat!! Okay, so I can totally see then how being a fan of the show would render visiting that city a cool place, to like hang out at the filming locations or sets or whatnot. Thanks for explaining!

[@nettie444amc]

Thank you for sharing ❤ i feel seen and not so alone in this. I also experienced a very very similar childhood to yours. Hugs 🫂 💕

[@alwaysyouramanda]

Pretty sure they were forging my signature to cash checks made out to me after my mom got sick and the two of them (sis and mom) started getting aid. It was like I didn’t exist.

[@colinlewis7767]

I would be called the r slur (still am), would have my meltdowns recorded, would have my hands forcefully put under my butt for stimming, was constantly beat up by my younger brother and told “I was instigating” if I fought back, constantly forgotten about, called a parrot, called stupid, called worthless, etc… was framed for stealing cause I was “weird”, I’m also still forced to clean up the whole house as is, my mother won’t even hang pictures of me. I hate it.

[@Autistic_AF]

04:08 TABCAT! 😊

[@laura.bseyoga]

That's Otis - he's a snugglepuss 💚

[@heyheyitshaze]

Thank you for sharing 💖

[@HamiltonIsLife]

What I hate is other adults or kids never seems to say anything

[@jessicashimq1580]

I love your cat. This is all so valid.

[@InterDivergent]

This type of Narcissistic abuse is terrible (like convincing you that they do so much for you). I experienced it for about 15 years. They seem to gravitate towards us, as we are easily manipulative and controlled; this is our role. I've found that the only way to fix this type of relationship is to pack your stuff and walk away. Preferably with them thinking that it was their idea, otherwise further fallout will follow with them turning everyone you know against you.

[@isthiscereallife]

emotional abuse, not narcissitic abuse

[@InterDivergent]

@@isthiscereallife "Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse inflicted by individuals with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)"

[@isthiscereallife]

@@InterDivergent that definition implies the existence of borderline abuse, post-traumatic abuse, obsessive-compulsive abuse, schizophrenic abuse, major depressive abusive, generalized anxiety abuse, et cetera npd isn't the "evil abuser disorder," and narcissitic abuse is emotional abuse using a trauma-based personality disorder as a scapegoat.

[@InterDivergent]

@@isthiscereallife I grabbed that definition from the internet, hence why it's in quotes. This is my understanding, and I'm not an expert. As far as I understand, NPD is not a trauma based personality disorder (for the most part), at least not according to recent studies. Wether it's narcissistic or emotional, it's still abuse. I speak from first hand experience, being on the receiving end of it for over 2 decades and receiving countless hours of therapy because of it.

[@isthiscereallife]

@@InterDivergent it is a cluster b personality disorder that, like borderline, histrionic, and antisocial, is demonized as a "bad person disorder." cluster b disorders are more often than not caused by traumatic upbringings and unstable home lives while young. narcissistic abuse is a way for ableist people to say emotional abuse. people have called my mother who abused me for ~23 years of my life "narcissistic." she did not enact narcissitic abuse because narcissistic abuse is a bogus label. she enacted se.xual, emotional, neglectful, financial, and the occasional physical abuse.

[@domuniqueheiser4248]

But I can related to all of these things and they never seem to understand why I’m bothered by them and I’m undiagnosed so whatever is wrong with me wasn’t known by even me at those times

[@helsconceit]

I had the same experience with my family and do not speak to them at all because they can’t apologize.

[@suppertimesims]

Definitely better than me I would have been petty and kissed my girlfriend in front of them personally. Also throw their logic back in their face when it comes to their issues. Or I'd Tell them about the book by Lindsay C. Gibson "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". Its fantastic and will help you understand more about why they act the way they do

[@anklesockson8134]

I think it can be a common thing for abusive parents to encourage their adult children to be in abusive relationships. It allows them to justify that it was not them that was the problem, further blaming you, If you have a genuine loving relationship they might have to acknowledge what they did. and treated you was not normal or okay.

[@ckblackwoodmusic]

I was called 'Howard Hughes' and it irritated the ever-loving p1ss out of me. Thanks, as always, for these videos, Dana ❤

[@phillipmitchell2254]

Glad to find you!

[@gothiccastle1681]

Dana your hair is gorg!!

[@MsHwisprian]

The symptoms of complex PTSD (which you might have from be constantly bullied by your own family) have a decent amount of overlap with autism.... I have a chicken or egg problem, was the abuse because i was autistic or am i autistic from the abuse?

[@RLWarrior]

Abuse doesn’t make you an autist but I don’t know a life where that didn’t happen along with most if not all

[@Alexitty17]

Just kinda venting, but ive had a similar experience of toxicity through gradual erosion, specifically with my mother, no interest or fun pass time I had while growing up was acceptable lego "an expensive waste of money"(said to a 7 yearold asking fo somthing like £35 for her birthday), games "they're bad for your brain if you play more than an hour a day" (to a socially anxious 8 yearold with no freinds, separated parents and a much older sibling who had moved out), you know I might know more than you do about music (woman who hasn't touched a musical instrument since the 90s to a 16 yearold with 9 years of experience, a grade 5 in cello, which she forced me to get "for a worth while pass time", and a grade 3 in bass and guitar), "drawing and animations aren't somthing you showed intrest in before"(because she'd put down every other hobby I ever tried to share with her). Also she has never had any boundaries, stealing from me since I was a young child, maybe 7 (we weren't that poor), letting herself into my room, somtimes I was naked or having a private call etc, trying to unlock my phone and demanding the pass code (I was 15 and payed for the phone with my own money and my dad payed to phone bill), claimed multiple things of mine were hers (she wanted to flog them) and pocketing about half of any money sent via christmas/birthday cards in the mail. Needless to say I can't wait yo be no contact in a few years

[@sunstonerain5779]

I feel angry on your behalf.