#1 Therapist: "STOP Attracting A**holes & DO THIS..."-Why You CAN'T FIND Genuine Men!| Lori Gottlieb

[@LisaBilyeu]

WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!

[@Portia620]

But if we need somebody that doesn’t look familiar?? Something that feels off because once familiar isn’t there??? When you have a healthy relationship it doesn’t feel right if you were very abusive one. Fyi

[@Portia620]

This therapist is lacking in her understanding of people that are atypical because their brains are designed different like somebody with autism or somebody with high IQ she should be discussing differences among all people not just generalizing!!! Ugh

[@Portia620]

Did she say going overnight with an ex spouse?😂😂🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[@Portia620]

Did she say going overnight with an ex spouse?😂😂🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ My ex was a narcissist and if I say that about him, that means I’m gonna say that about somebody else this lady is SO wrong! I’ve worked for years to realize why I was unhealthy to get in a relationship with a ConMan and he was narcissistic by the definition been told by other people that have studied it in criminology with experts to understand the brainwashing and gaslighting, and for her to sit here and say that there’s something wrong with us for being honest, I think she needs to see the gray areas. No doubt, people lie, but some people are telling the truth.

[@Portia620]

Did she say going overnight with an ex spouse?😂😂🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ My ex was a narcissist and if I say that about him, that means I’m gonna say that about somebody else this lady is SO wrong! I’ve worked for years to realize why I was unhealthy to get in a relationship with a ConMan and he was narcissistic by the definition been told by other people that have studied it in criminology with experts to understand the brainwashing and gaslighting, and for her to sit here and say that there’s something wrong with us for being honest, I think she needs to see the gray areas. No doubt, people lie, but some people are telling the truth.

[@carolgonzales4262]

I won't trust anyone after 50 yrs with a narc... I'm done being a slave. 6 yrs free finally. I love MY bed and my dogs.

[@MaryWallace-wv2bn]

It’s truly amazing how long we stay with icky people! ….but 50 years?!

[@margodurbin9988]

Same, don't want to play a victim again and again. I am too old for it.

[@RaiWilliams-pe4tg]

Don’t close the doors on love ❤️ ❤

[@VelmaGilbert-k6m]

Was 30 for me . I Believe tho , it was because we Both worked 6/7 days a week as a chef and as a Cook minimum 10 hour days , for most of it . Glad to be out now .

[@carolgonzales4262]

@MaryWallace-wv2bn The word narc was never around back when I was young. Met at 14. My dysfunctional family life growing up set me up narc bait. I didn't know they never change. I had hope....then it ran out.

[@tedtalksrock]

I’m really glad I gave my husband a second date after our disastrous first date (awkward small talk, seemingly no communication). If I had met him in an app, I’m sure I would have just moved on. But fortunately we stayed in touch and the second date was much better. Turns out he had just been painfully shy on the first date and that affected everything on that date. But as we kept dating his character and true personality emerged, and I realized he was a hidden gem! I feel lucky every day that we found each other. ❤

[@danielgmcbride8214]

That's FUCKING awesome!!!!

[@danielgmcbride8214]

That's how it should be.

[@kiyaah1912]

I experienced something similar. I organized hikes with a friend, and one day a guy showed up. He hardly talked, left early and did not enjoy dinner in a restaurant later on, so we thought he hated it. However, he kept showing up - and with time opening up. He had an incredible sense of humour and was one of the nicest guys. He was just shy when too many people were around. So if somebody doesn't urk you, just give them some time.

[@kTorres007]

Hell no, never settle. I made that painful mistake. Set myself back almost 6 years of self worth and goals

[@vden02]

The statement that if you aren't involved in social circles or have many friends then there is something wrong with you is utterly ridiculous. I work with the public, mostly women. I am their psychologist, marriage counselor, coach, priest, confidant and spiritual healer. I am exhausted after my work week and the last thing I need are more women to hang out with. Small talk absolutely bores me to death too. I'm happier alone with my animals or on my motorcycle.

[@Portia620]

I know people that are very successful and they know a lot of people, but they have a very small amount of friends and sometimes just one and then that person dies and then they have no one!!! there is nothing wrong with having a small group of friends and it’s absurd to say there is

[@Portia620]

I know people that are very successful and they know a lot of people, but they have a very small amount of friends and sometimes just one and then that person dies and then they have no one!!! there is nothing wrong with having a small group of friends and it’s absurd to say there is!! Thanks for calling out an unhealthy statement to make because when we generalize to all people that’s a big problem!!!

[@danielgmcbride8214]

I understand

[@sjordan7085]

That speaks volumes. I am liistening to this video while reading the posts. The guest is a tad annoying.

[@Pammerrigan]

You’re probably very smart and loyal. Maybe, more introverted. A small strong circle of well trusted and loved people makes more sense to me.

[@gc2137]

This is a saying I've heard that has stuck with me: We marry the Facts, not the Potential.

[@sunstardrummer]

We realize that to late,at the end of the bullshit.sad in a way.

[@OZ01209]

It seems that people fall for the potential more.

[@SherriFlemming]

8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships.

[@2Sugarbears]

I watch these programs from both men and women. Here is my take. Women have to look harder/longer BECAUSE our commitment means; pregancy, childbirth, childcare for THE REST OF OUR LIVES. If we abort, if we carry, if it lives, if it dies nor matter what from the moment we know we are pregnant til we die IT HAS CHANGED OUR LIVES. This is NOT so for the men. They marry, they father, they can and do leave and start again because THEIR BODIES ARE NEVER COMMITTED.

[@sunstardrummer]

This!

[@Pixeleen77]

Unless we are childfree as many women are...but, I understand your point!

[@pixie3458]

Well said and so true

[@carolgonzales4262]

@2Sugarbears Great perspective! It's all on women...always has been, always will be. Such a huge diff between the genders. In some countries, female babies are killed. Sperm can be frozen....but there is no substitute for a womb. And women are treated substandard. We're damn important to further the human race.

[@sunstardrummer]

​@@carolgonzales4262we live in a sick society,as a whole. All is perverted.

[@jessicawojcik8546]

I have no friends and don’t talk to family I’m still loveable and deserve a relationship

[@sinceresong9907]

want to be friends

[@EnergyreaderempathMary]

I can relate

[@susanmcguire4664]

I am sorry to read this. Everyone needs at least one good friend. Can I ask you if you are doing anything on a regular basis to try and meet people and make friends? There are lots of social groups you can join where you can meet people who have things in common. What are some of your interests or hobbies? See if there are any local community groups that you could join in with that relate to the things you enjoy doing (sports, music, cooking, a book club, dancing, gardening, travel, arts and crafts etc.....). Wishing you all the best xo

[@sinceresong9907]

@susanmcguire4664 sorry, I thought I would jump in here with my experience. I've tried this ..I have met a lovely group of older ladies, but I wouldn't call them close friends( I have nobody to call in an emergencies) sad but true, no next of kin( only my ex who is abusive). Other friends have dropped off over the years for different reasons, I have been a carer . If I died nobody would come looking for us. It's just me and my Autistic son. I feel so alone at times, my life only matters to my son, then I feel he deserved to be part of a big family. Its horrible having no family more than having no close friends. I guess one has fueled the other. Most people have someone.

[@temi4116]

Yes Jess!!!

[@grateful7420]

One of my “best friends” said, “…don’t you think you should just take what you can get and marry ____? You can have completely separate lives, and still be happily married like me. Religious differences are not that important either...“ She’s no longer my friend and I have not spoken to her since then, it’s been over a year.

[@SherriFlemming]

Wise decision.

[@mombaby219]

Im going to push back on the topic of being friends with exes, this is not always a good dynamic. My ex was friends with a lot of his exes, even though he said this one was crazy , that one was crazy, she cheated on me, this other one cheated on me but yet he kept in contact with them, it was all to get attention when ever he needed it both while he was me and not with me in a relationship. It caused issues because i would always ask him why. There were more i found out about after the breakup. So being friends with an ex is not always a good thing. I also believe this leaves the door open for things to happen sexually with an ex.

[@SeraNicola]

Those are the narcissist’s satellites. Revolving door for easy access and supply.

[@Portia620]

Truths!

[@antoinettegilbert9258]

@@mombaby219 Exactly!!☝🏾I was told never go back,go forward OK!! It just gives the ex another chance to USE U or take your kindness for weakness at times!🙁☝🏾🥹

[@rhiannonh.7463]

Sounds like the guy is the common denominator if he calls all his ex’s crazy or something similar, as in he’s the crazy one or he has no idea how to recognize a healthy person to date whose emotionally stable. People sometimes easily tell you who they are in small ways when they describe their ex’s.

[@pinkchilldivestmentor]

I agree I call it the female harem. I am a widow and dating now, and I listen carefully when men talk if they talk about having a lot of female friends or a female best friend, I don’t take it further.

[@WildAntics13]

I recently resumed dating again oh boy!!!! I can tell you so many men nowadays like hook up rather than real relationships! I find it funny! I just have fun . My life is more beautiful and authentic now more sleep, peace , good friends, being with a man is a hard work really it takes so much energy in woman’s body!

[@sjordan7085]

The funny thing is, if women treat men, the way men treat women in dating situations, the men absolutley cannot deal with it. A friend went on a dating site, and was meeting at least two new men a day in person. A couple turned up wanting to spend the entire day, on a date, only to be shocked to discover she had plans for both lunch and dinner. Totally threw them for a loop! Serves them right...lol.

[@SherriFlemming]

The first meeting is a meet and greet and should be about 30 minutes to view the person and collect data. It's " the resume" Date sites are like cold calling. Women receive 80% matches and choose about 20% of men on average. Yes, many men are hoping it's an actual date. And we are swimming in hookup culture.

[@WildAntics13]

@@sjordan7085 good for her 😂 she is wise ! Our time is limited than these men ! I will never spend whole day on a date get coffee meet and greet out then ! assess if he passes your wants in men! i don’t know how other women have this energy to talk to men whole day like girl im very sensitive to energy! If that man is wrong vibe my body will feel it.

[@WildAntics13]

@@SherriFlemming they don’t really thought that way ! Male psyche if they see you itsnjot love relationships in their head its alwa what they can get 🤣 ! Always remember that they are not like women who hopes for love and good relationships i read a lot of male psyche and love is the last thing in their mind when meeting you 🤣🤣🤣 dont be deceived! I remember I went to a date and he told me to come to his hotel so he can explore my body like Sir 🤣 I spend so much energy preparing myself for date, money too just for you to explore me im not science project i left honestly these men are good in getting free s……x and you know what women who is paid doing it is better than women who do it for free thinking its love and affection! Sh……it these men been playing us for so long but all they want is punani for free stingy dusty men! Let them pay ladies 😂

[@SherriFlemming]

In this world verify everything. Fact check. Discernment. A background check is essential. Trust requires proof. ( Free of the dealbreakers) Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future-Sam Vaknin podcast Never doubt patterns. AKA the track record.

[@fifilafleur5555]

Good enough doesn’t cut it, lady. No one tells men to settle if he’s not attracted to the woman. Why should women have to give up having a partner they feel attracted to??? They shouldn’t. It’s basically telling a woman to just accept whatever she can get. To settle.

[@pamelajensen2009]

Agree!!!!

[@CM-sy3to]

Men are physically attracted to the top 90% of women while women are physically attracted to the top 3% of men.

[@raae9310]

👏👏 Here, here!!

[@signe1880]

If I'm not attracted, I'm not going on a second date. I don't expect butterflies, but if I don't even want them to come near me, that's a no.

[@effentjes]

I agree. He can be funny, smart, charming, and not bad looking. If I am not attracted to him, there will be no second date.

[@fifilafleur5555]

@@signe1880, exactly

[@PrettyIndependent1]

So many more issues arise in a marriage. Having to merge two lives together, and all the tasks and expenses make things hectic. So if you’re already not attracted to them at all from the jump!? That’s not going to make your sex life any better when you both have a lot on your plate and even days where you might be annoyed with each other.

[@KatarinaNolte]

Exactly

[@tq325]

Exactly

[@lyminwithcourtney9981]

Her discussion about shouting was brushed over a little too quickly to me. It is most times an introduction to abuse, and once we set the boundary that we will not condone shouting, and your partner ignores that the first time, it’s best to move on, because that’s a character flaw in the person.

[@Portia620]

I think things are important, but it takes time for people to unlearn certain behavior so are you gonna throw away up relationship over someone not being perfect?? What if they work on it and it takes them a few months but finally they stop ?? I just know so many people that are from abusive backgrounds, and many are trying to change it and it doesn’t happen overnight and raising your voice and shouting with something in my household, and I’m trying to stop that now in our household! I have children that were abandoned by their father and we were around for years. It’s not that easy. But if you wanna throw away a wonderful relationship, find something how to understand that too.

[@D-g9j]

@@Portia620YES THEYRE GOING TO THROW AWAY ABUSE!!!! NO EXCUSES FOR IT. like are you one ??? Why would you try to talk someone out of leaving someone screaming at / abusing them??????

[@roberttruman8444]

Emotionally abusive people usually know how to abuse their victims without raising their voice and even do it in public without making it obvious, but victims often don't have the same ability and out of sheer despair they will shout and scream in defence, only for the abuser to turn to everyone watching and say "You see what I have to put up with?". These days I don't feel like shouting is necessary, but I wouldn't outlaw it because there will be times and situations when shouting is a justified form of expression and defence. There's a cultural element to it as well and some cultures accept it more. I watched two Greek women screaming at each other as they walked off in different directions and they were still screaming at each other long after they'd disappeared. I thought they must hate each other but a local bystander told me they were friends and they weren't fighting but bickering over something that happened in the news.

[@roberttruman8444]

@@SherriFlemming I don't know if you have to interrogate your partners, or just pay close attention to what they say. My ex did kind of tell me her flaws but I think she would do this more often in a non direct way. She'd maybe hints at something or casually imply, using words and phrases that could easily have a double meaning. She once told me how she bit her ex husband once but she set the scene beforehand in such a way that I already viewed her as the victim. So I was able to rationalise and justify her behaviour in my mind. Self gaslighting. It's a bitch.

[@grateful7420]

One of my “best friends” said, “…don’t you think you should just take what you can get and marry ____? You can have completely separate lives, and still be happily married like me. Religious differences are not that important either...“ She’s no longer my friend and I have not spoken to her since then, it’s been over a year. Called off the engagement & have had a WONDERFUL last year on my own focusing on my family, 2 pups, friends, volunteer work, music, work & making improvements at home.

[@tq325]

Good for you. You don't need that low vibrational energy in your life! A best friend should want the BEST for you!!

[@hferrari7553]

There are genuine men, for sure. I appreciate this conversation very much AND I believe the world is ultimately a good place. But the basics used to be: is he a good provider, will he cheat, can we grow together… Today, it feels more like is this guy a psycho? Is he going to be abusive? Is he a narcissist of any kind? Does he have big-time Mommy issues? Does his Ex or children run his life? Was that the 5th beer already? Am I going to be babysitting a big-ass Toddler till the grave?

[@sjordan7085]

Sad but true, not to mention Peter Pan Syndrome, the little boy who never grew up!

[@rhiannonh.7463]

I base men on how they talk about the woman in their lives, how they speak about their ex’s, how they view cheating (never ask if they cheat cause they can lie!), and how they view women who have careers. Those four things ALWAYS expose how a man will view you as not only a woman, but how he’ll respect you, treat you, even how he’ll handle if you make more money than him. As for the asking how they view cheating, see when you ask this, you get a peak inside where their boundaries for cheating start & end, what they consider is cheating. When you ask if someone cheats? They can lie, just say whatever you want to bear out of fear if you don’t like cheaters. But if you ask them instead, “So curious, in regards to cheating, what are your views on it and what do you believe constitutes as cheating?”, because once you ask this? You’ll know EXACTLY how they’ll behave in a relationship, how loyal they are, and if they are prone to easily cheat or not.

[@SherriFlemming]

​​@@rhiannonh.7463 Date like a detective A background check is essential. Investigate like the FBI. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record.

[@sjordan7085]

@@SherriFlemming Not everyone needs a man to be complete. Some of us actually consider ourselves to be enough! In fact many find rich and fulfilling lives living alone. It is more that society in general tends to expect that everyone should marry, and have a family, regardless how happy that makes them with, or without the white picket fence. Surely being focused on one's own personal growth is a million times better than being in an abusive relationship? I would add, that one size does not fit all. Not everyone learns from their mistakes. Even with the most stringent investigation, some clever folk compartmentalize their lives. For some of us, the last decades of life bring the freedom to make choices that greater reflect our values and live in-keeping with them. I see that as being a huge step towards living a purposeful life, being one's best self, and leaving a legacy of value to those who come after us.

[@tanyaflanders2196]

This is so true!

[@burles]

My gorgeous friend (looks like a supermodel) is in her early 40s, looks about 28 (with no surgery) has only had two short relationships, about a year each, with men who become quite nasty, and she got rid of them. So she has experienced a few horrible men who cheated and that put her off. Once in her 20s and once in her 30s. Shes been single 99% of her life. Men don’t approach her, and she doesn’t date now after attempting Ok Cupid about 2004-5. I don’t think she’s been on a date since about 2005. She doesn’t do hook ups and she’s not gay. There’s nothing wrong with her, she’s too good looking and that’s maybe intimidating to lots of men .

[@jacqueliner9141]

Sounds like a sigma female.

[@kaydykes9916]

Intimidating men is a big problem. I've been told I'm intimidating and men don't know what to do with me. On one hand I get how a man wants to be the man, but I'm not going to dim my light just to make a man feel like a man. We're currently living in a society that looks down on traditional roles and it's just making things worse. Men that don't know how to be masculine and women that are too masculine makes for a very awkward date lol 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@brittany7573]

So we are to picky but if we get with a man who turns into a deadbeat, it's our fault for not being picky enough?

[@kurtjames9487]

As a woman, you don't have the level of discernment necessary to know what to be picky ABOUT.

[@alenaadamkova7617]

Or maybe the parents ....or the father figure should tell him I raised my daughter ewith ôlovea nd respect, I invested a lot in her I would just appreciate that you as her partner will have the same empathy and you both will love each other. I know its not the parents business but maybe the guys will think, well they raised her, they love her, thye want the best for her maybe one day I will do my best for my kids.

[@samizdatbroadcasts7654]

Be picky about the right things. Being 6 plus feet tall is not the quality that makes for a committed equal partner over the long term.

[@notaras1985]

You just never had a dad to teach you what qualities to look for in men

[@brittany7573]

@notaras1985 My dad has autism. He did a good job raising me.

[@ginasideris2205]

Giving the first date a second chance comes with a lot of conditions. 1). Above all things trust your gut. If you are uncomfortable with that person, for whatever reason or for a reason you can’t identify, don’t stick around to drive the situation to a definite disaster. 2) Recognize when you’re being superficial or petty. There are big differences between overlooking someone’s personal idiosyncrasies and dismissing or rationalizing their toxic traits . 3) So-called”red flags” are not a signal to cut and run. They are an indicator that there’s a situation you want to clarify and see if it’s a significant issue and a dealbreaker. The reason behind Ordering tap water could be anything from just convenience to someone who has insecure attitudes about costs and money. 4). Have standards that are about human qualities like integrity, kindness, authenticity (a big one), honesty, humility, aspirations, respect for self & others, energy level (compatible vibe), sense of ethics, duty, family, etc. Not so much for looks, socioeconomic status, excitement, entertainment, etc.

[@sljf555]

Yes, it’s definitely something to be wary of. I’ve just encountered someone who I was wildly attracted to - the first guy in over 10 years, he felt drawn to me too. Thankfully I prayed about him and after a week the Lord revealed to me the other side of him. We didn’t even make it to the first date. I was disappointed but thankful for being spared the heartache.

[@tracychromes7155]

What was revealed?

[@SherriFlemming]

You dodged a bullet.

[@Katheryninc2]

Porn is to blame and all the sex addiction in predominantly men.

[@fenfaerielee94]

Yup

[@SherriFlemming]

Agree. It's a huge problem. So is technology, date sites and social media

[@angiebaby834]

Degradation becomes a turn on. Very sad & demeaning for both.

[@SherriFlemming]

​@@angiebaby834 For some people into that. It's not the social norm. Same with polyamory and non monogamy.

[@raae9310]

Agreed - and you want to know what's even crazier?: Most (if not all) porn addicts can't even perform the same moves but want to blame everyone for their "sexual level". Seriously?

[@angeljohnson234]

I don't care how tall a man is but I do care how much money he makes. The only thing worse than getting divorced is having to pay alimony. I have several (female) friends who are paying their ex-husbands to sit at home and they are resentful. I want no part of that.

[@SherriFlemming]

Yes, marriage and common law are a relationship with the government.

[@kyliejohnson4403]

It is not the fault of the child, who then became an adult, for having a dysfunctional family. Sometimes that person needs to cut ties and that doesn't mean "something is wrong."

[@Portia620]

It’s funny how people have been through trauma are considered not good partners forever and God forbid we have flaws that we’re working on I think the point people need to point out as long as you’re growing and trying to become a better person that’s what matters

[@KatarinaNolte]

It does. But then again everyone has issues at some point.

[@missj.4760]

I bought things online that were final sales and did not fit well. I just gave them to someone else 😄.

[@josun2222]

I disagree when it comes to me. Guys have tried to change me and my likes to what he wants and I do compromise on some things but not my core values. My issue is I let disrespectful behavior slide and eventually get very upset one day. Like it builds up ands I explode

[@ireefree2024]

Fun fact: Butterflies are a sign of danger, not of chemistry. I didn't had it with my husband either, today I'm happy married 😊 That doesn't mean he wasn't attractive to me (he's really good looking) but it wasn't the danger/excitement feeling...

[@Portia620]

Seriously people??? I had a guy so he had butterflies with me. I’m not dangerous.!!! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️. I sure he didn’t have butterflies with him. I never had butterflies with any guy and my one and only husband was a covert narcissist and he gave me butterflies. He was the nice guy that I wasn’t attracted to.!!!!!

[@rhiannonh.7463]

Yup! Healthy stable people won’t give you the butterflies when you first meet. Only people who are the toxic type, abusive type, people with Cluster B of the psychopathy/sociopathy/narcissistic of the DSM-V will cause that as a response. Why? The body communicates non-verbally because the brain already scanned quickly for danger. The brain already identified things about the person before your conscious self did and is alerting the body to tell you to PAY ATTENTION! It’s trying to get you to notice the dangers of whatever is in front of you. That’s how intuition operates. And when you are with the wrong person in a relationship, your body communicates this by making you allergic to the person with rashes and more, digestive issues, severe acne breakouts, constant UTI’s or Yeast infections, chronic headaches, etc… And the wrong person makes you feel you’re not enough of too much. They make you feel you have to beg, plead, demean for the basic needs in a relationship of love, attention, affection, respect, and trust. They make it feel you’re asking for the entire world but you’re asking for is a drop in the ocean.

[@SherriFlemming]

​​​​@@rhiannonh.7463 You nailed it. Very astute and accurate! I recommend these 2 books to women. Safe People by Henry Cloud and The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker. Your intuition is accurate. Also, never doubt patterns. AKA the track record ( behaviors) The butterflies can be "lust and limerance"

[@SherriFlemming]

​@@rhiannonh.7463 Agree

[@hey_kudisco_podcast]

Butterflies are not always danger. I think its dangerous to paint something with one brush-stroke. Sometimes its excitement, other times in fear. I think every respective case its important to have context in mind.

[@PropheticCoachTheresa]

Love the view of women being story tellers, if we can't see someone we are on a date with fitting into our "future narrative" we will say we don't want to go on a second date with them, and that's unfair to that person because we can't possibly know them. I would say fair enough, EXCEPT when it comes to values, their thoughts on topics that are super important to us, etc. Having had several really toxic, abusive relationships, I learned to quickly see traits in people that are indicative of unhealthy emotional and relational ways of being that I know won't go anywhere. Some of this is spiritual intuition, but not everyone has that. Everyone does however have their gut instinct. We just have to trust that sometimes!

[@4288Zia]

I disagree with a lot of things in this talk 😎 Then again, I mostly picked narcissists for my relationships. I learned, I healed and now with 50, I'm done and enjoy a great life for just myself. 🙏🏼🙌🏼❤️

[@sinceresong9907]

46 and have interest left in men and their games

[@PJLOVESPINK]

​@sinceresong9907 64 and I'm with you

[@rhiannonh.7463]

So people with NPD, their root cause is due to a fear of being forgotten and unloved. All their motivation is fueled by this singular fear. Hence why, even when it’s negative attention, they don’t care, it means they are making sure you don’t forget them, even after you get away. I say this after having an ex from a decade ago who legit got diagnosed by a psychiatrist for NPD but when to go get diagnosed for something else. All Narcissists who are full blown as NPD, view ex’s, children, and pets as property. They feel they own you, you’re not human in their eyes. That’s why they also stalk ex’s, plus to make sure you don’t forget them as well.

[@MoonlitPurpleRose]

… We can’t find genuine men as there’s not many of them out there …

[@MariahG959]

Fact's💯

[@Mindsetolympics]

even men themselves have told me this. there is a real deep moral sickness in the male population...

[@fenfaerielee94]

Truth

[@danielgmcbride8214]

I disagree. But what is your definition of a real or good man?

[@danielgmcbride8214]

What is your definition of a genuine man???

[@alic1977]

The one thing that stood out for me that I 100% agree with is wanting a partner that can problem solve and adjust to different circumstances because life changes it doesn’t always stay the same I would say that when I m dating my biggest issue is finding men that Have Great coping skills that is a huge issue when dating especially dating men that are in their 40s and older that have been divorced or have never been married they’ve built this life for themselves and they don’t adjust to change well because of what they’ve gone through or they are just lone wolves .Lazy dating bare minimum no effort has become common

[@upendasana7857]

...also saying to people they have to be "complete people"before they ever have a relationship would basically mean that most people should not be getting involved in relationships until they're at least 30 or later.I mean just look at how many marriages and people who have mortgages and have rbought up children and held down jobs etc and are far from being complete".I mean most marriages are predicated to a large extent or codependent kind of dynamic. Also its a big ask to expect full "completeness"as maybe just being committed to your healing and development and growth is enough and a mutual acceptance between the two of you that you are committed to that and hold each other to account,don't collude with the other to stop their growth because its easier and means you won't be "alone". Many couples are not healthy couples depsite having grown children...how many are truely complete when tehy start out married life and kids ?!!! I think putting less pressure on young people to be in relationship would be a good start !!! let them take time to know themselves and find out who they are,far too much pressure to hook up with whoever in order to feel validated and "normal".

[@kanam85]

Yessssssss to this comment 🙏🏻🤍💯

[@rhiannonh.7463]

I’ll leave a quote that will help you & anyone else who ends up reading this, understand why they said complete person… has a lot to do with not just discovering yourself in ways that don’t happen till after 25, but self love as well: “People talk a lot about self-love but aren't actually ready to do what it takes to truly get there. Self-love isn't just massages, spa days, yoga retreats, & facials. It's setting firm boundaries, not just with your words, but through your actions. It's staying away from people that can't meet your standards, even if it means letting go of someone you really love. It's holding people accountable for wrong shit they did to you, even when they hate you for it. It's choosing yourself over keeping toxic people around, even when it gets lonely. It's a series of hard decisions that may hurt in the moment but you'll thank yourself for later. That's self-love & there's nothing pretty about it.”

[@firefly7826]

I think App dating depends on country you live in. Myself, I find, since I gained weight in Menapause, men don't find me attractive. The first thing they ask for is a full body photo. The area I live in I have found I get online attention from different cultures to my own, and I don't want to date outside my culture. I have found the men on the Apps are looking for hookups, yet I'v3e been on my own for some time now, and I'm hoping for a committed long-term relationship. I wouldn't say I am too fussy, but I expect integrity within a person and I don't entertain swopping photos, sexting ect. I have had no success. Sometimes the conversation just dries up within a day or two, maybe because I don't do the setting, etc?? But I refuse to settle on dishonoring my boundaries .

[@erikavaleries]

I cannot even imagine someone asking for a full body photo 😮

[@saero1960]

I agree with Lori on everything except the late issue. 2 hours late on the first date with no explanation. Absolutely not. Done.

[@lf3554]

The part about setting the boundary of not wanting is a great idea. It communicates to the person your time is precious.

[@sjordan7085]

I'd say late without an explanation, even fifteen minutes shows a total lack of respect. Unless one is five minutes early, one is late! That's what I live by. It would have to be something pretty serious for me to be late for anything ever.

[@CM-sy3to]

This would have saved me 31 years of agony. 1:58 late for first date.

[@sandiracco3376]

Thank you Matthew. Your videos have helped me so much over the last couple of years. I have come out of two long-term narcissistic relationships. This video you just posted was bang on. Everything you said is what I experienced, especially in my last relationship which lasted 10 years. My marriage prior to that lasted 22 years. We met when I was only 14 so all in all we were together for 26 years. I initiated the end to both not really understanding what narcissism was at the time, but knowing that the relationship was unhealthy and toxic. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of time which saddens me, I take comfort when you say it's never too late to find someone to give the love that I have to really deserves it. I'm not sure why we hang on as long as we do, many reasons for that as you have discussed in various videos. I did have a breaking point when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and discovered after 10 years he really wasn't there for me the way I thought he would be or should be after all that time together. I finally ended it after taking care of my health issues, and I'm very glad that I did. I do believe the relationship was making me ill literally. It takes a lot of courage for us to leave I think. And I'm proud that I was able to finally do it. It's not easy being on my own as I've always been in a relationship from a young age. But I have learnt a lot and I think it's essential for us to take that time for ourselves and to get to know who we are. After experiencing such toxic relationships I think I'll be able to avoid them in the future. I'm very guarded now and watch for the red flags that I chose to ignore before. I could go on and on but just wanted to say thank you. When I'm feeling down I turn to your videos to help me out. I really do appreciate the work that you do. ❤

[@javireyes7333]

Best conversation ever. And I say it knowing about many other conversations out there

[@christinascibetta1043]

Happy relationships are when u find someone you like and have similar lifestyle....very important ...and then develop it. So many of my friends are looking for fireworks at 60 ! I dont think we have those hormones now. And fireworks is usually-always a narcissist. I got married 2 years ago and am happy with my nerdy guy.

[@patriciavandevelde5469]

A man has to be a bonus! 63 here,seen it done it!

[@CeciledeLuire]

agree on "see him again when the date was (at least) 6 out of 10". done that, had good times and got to like the guys and sometimes developed chemistry. so okay before i continue watching i write down *my* 4 conditions for having a 2nd date as long as it was a nice first meeting: he shows kindness, good values, pays for a drink or two, takes the initiative for the 2nd date.

[@upendasana7857]

Obviously emotional maturity,integrity,genuine not fake kindness,thoughtful,emotional generous etc all these things are highly valuable qualities which most of us probably want but may sometimes not feel worthy of ourselves. We often go for the "bad boys"purely and simply because on some level we do not feel deserving of a "decent kind"or maybe the culture to some extent has told us especially as women that men who are so called "exciting or keep you keen or are emotionally unavailable"are the go to man,that being "manly"is almost acquainted with being emotionally unavailable because thats mistaken for strength". I think when we know our worth or have found those same qualities in ourselves like emotional honestly,integrity,kindness etc then we are more likely to look for those same qualities in another but if we do not feel worthy of time,attention,generosity etc then its hard to find a person like that.

[@SukhamSpa]

Wonderful yes

[@missj.4760]

Two rigid persons together can do. It makes a super boring conventional marriage, but so many conventional marriage are like that.

[@annengei2814]

So happy to be here ❤❤❤love this channel am 36years single mum am learning alot each day.Stay blessed Lisa watching u from Dubai

[@indigogirl1111]

You should start an app. With a huge questionnaire at the beginning to filter out the liars and the married ones!

[@Kisa-l5g]

I was told if you want good advice about men then never take it from a woman.

[@Violets14]

This is about finding longevity in a relationship not about women or men specifically.

[@barbaraschultz1442]

Great interview!! Love the analogies!! “Final Sale”. I just love Lisa’s questions. She thinks of perspective from all ages, circumstances, what anyone wants to know? Thanks Lisa! ❤

[@user-ku5vm5jb1h]

Women who are in abusive relationships that take this advice are putting themselves in danger. This podcast is NOT for abusive relationships

[@gvintage]

That's what I am concerned about. I don't want to date, now in my 50s, and it be a hidden narcissist masking as a nice guy.

[@julietliving1016]

True! This is not about abusive relationships though. Surely where there has been abuse, time to heal is the factor not how to meet people, which is what this is about, no?

[@MHarmony528]

If someone is in an abusive relationship then they need to ask themselves, "Why am I staying and accepting abuse, why haven't I reached out for help or therapy to help myself make good decisions and leave an abuser?!" Then, one can make different choices moving forward...

[@RaiWilliams-pe4tg]

Clearly chill out 😂

[@Heidi_137]

Right! Dr Ramani was saying it’s 1 in 5 that has personality disorder :/. And, that’s statistics of people with diagnostics, most don’t go for therapy!!!

[@BL-N3xus]

I love this woman. She's probably the best guest you've ever had. She's absolutely more balanced in her views.

[@blueyellow3621]

LISA’s naïveté about living together without marriage or engagement is MIND-BLOWING! Why, WHY men need to buy a cow if they have milk for FREE!!!

[@jamiemarzano7389]

Never settle for "good enough." NOPE! Boundaries

[@TonganJedi]

How's that working for you?

[@covidoff]

The era of relationships is over. You can thank all the technological creature comforts. In 100 years there will be no such thing as monogamous relationships, let alone families. So many children are raised in fatherless environments, little girls raised by their single mothers watching them change men every season. Little boys being raised by single mothers to be people pleasing nice guys and comfortable for women. These kids will then grow up without any concept of what actually works to have a meaningful connection, it's all just becoming transactional and situational. Welcome the age of the "situationship". Sad stuff

[@MHarmony528]

If you only watch 4 min you missed the point just past 10min the good stuff was added...the love bombers, the unhealed trauma daters, etc. This is a therapist so some very good & interesting information on why women choose who they do! And the differences between women and men in dating & relating and our values and preferences.

[@rhiannonh.7463]

Exactly! Lots of people in the comments need to also go pick up copies of “The Four Agreements”, “Codependent No More”, & “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”, to help them create new neuropath ways to stop being attracted to their type, the pattern in dating, of toxic people that are causing these same cycles over and over. Lots of people also don’t realize, when we have unresolved trauma, we unconsciously pick servers who trigger the trains because the brain is on purpose trying to work thru the trauma and figure out how to no longer feel like that anymore. Hence why so many people are emotionally unavailable picking emotionally unavailable people, both unconsciously picking each other because they trigger their traumas & unhealed baggage.

[@User-q5g3v]

I found this expert extremely helpful and on point.

[@spokenwordpoetries]

Lisa, you look lovely and naturally beautiful. Thank you for interviewing experts and bringing this information to women in 1 place.

[@girlbrittneygirl]

Men are not simple people at all. They are the most complex people on this earth.

[@MHarmony528]

And so are we Women! 😁

[@acd1168]

Men are not complex at all. They are very simple. They want you to look good and to have a lot of sex with them.

[@susanmcguire4664]

I think human beings (no matter which sex) are all complex beings.

[@TheBambii86]

So delusional. They are simple as a nail. And dumb af.

[@fenfaerielee94]

🤭

[@wisemanspoke]

Questions were a bit on the surface at times but the subject expert was quite informative, thank you. Learned good insights.

[@gabrielalomelicasanova6595]

I loved this interview as well as other ones you have in here! Love you channel. However, I feel that the title of the video doesn’t match the content. I get it that it has to be something that grabs attention, but would like to see in the content what the title promises.

[@barbara6840]

Lisa really consider developing a unique dating app with real pre-vetting features. I would certainly invest.

[@missj.4760]

Not everybody want to get married or in this type of relationship. Personally, I have never been interested to live with someone, even when I was I child. It does not mean that I am not interested in been a relationship.

[@tamarazwinak]

Single and happy

[@SuperJelena78]

Me too

[@shellshelly5552]

Great topic, great guest. Thank you Lisa!

[@saero1960]

I finally figured out what was bothering me about this podcast. I’m a therapist of 30 years, but I don’t do couples counseling because I’m not good at it. However, the thing that strikes me about this ipodcast is that there is an assumption that everybody coming into a relationship has the same power And opportunity in society. This is just not true and it absolutely impacts relationships and peoples behavior in them. I think it’s irresponsible to not tell everybody when getting into a relationship that you need to be able to financially support yourself and that may involve a prenup. Things and people change that you didn’t see or plan for with 50% of marriages ending in divorce. I’ve worked with too many women who agreed to be stay at home moms and then their husbands leave them and they are in deep trouble. Talk about your money arrangements but ALWAYS be prepared for them to change.

[@Ryna1205]

Thank you very much for sharing your experience and knowledge. Send love and best wishes to both of you❤

[@pamelajensen2009]

“A good enough time?” I’m just not sure I can get behind this statement. My time is more valuable than good enough.

[@missj.4760]

I really enjoy spending most of my time alone. I never felt I was made for a companionship type of relationship, so more passionate love is pretty much my only motivation to meet someone. The thing is I am also in the neurodiversity and in the asexuality spectrum. When I am attracted to someone, I am really attracted, but most of the time I feel no attraction or even disgusted. I don't see what could be the point to go even on a first date with someone I feel romantically and sexually repulsed by (like at least 99.9% of guys), knowing nothing will never ever happen. Add to that that I am likely in the autism spectrum, that I am not a beauty model and that I feel turn off by guys that is much less smart than me, which makes the pool even smaller. I don't see how I could date someone I am not attracted to, who is not intelligent, who is an asshole and who depends on me financially. It seems like a reasonable "grocery list" and I keep an eye open, but it becomes more and more clear that I will never met such a person.

[@alice-hp7dh]

You are me type 😅

[@himangikanodia]

This therapist/ guest is living in a different era. There are undertones of misogyny in her approach. Surprised that Lisa didn't pick up on that. She has such a limited and simplistic perspective on so many issues discussed here. Also, both of them need to learn that correlation in statistics is different from causation - you can't just guess your way through identifying causes...wow.

[@Xiaoping_5789]

Where is she misogynistic please😂

[@mariellegrant6248]

Very interesting ! Thank you Lisa! I think this lady is absolutely right!❤

[@jessicawojcik8546]

He would never let me be friends with my ex vice Versa

[@ashleykathryn9038]

Why do you keep them around? To circle back when lonely

[@rhiannonh.7463]

Was your ex acting platonic like a regular friend or was the ex still hung up on you hoping to be with you again? The latter could be why if he recognized the signs. The former is then your ex being insecure and projecting out his own hang ups he hasn’t worked thru because he’s paranoid that you would end up dumping him for an ex. If he was secure, an ex wouldn’t be a threat to him and he would trust you to be an adult, set your own boundaries like a healthy relationship. You’ll know which one your ex is because it’s your ex and you dated him so you’ll know far easier.

[@OZ01209]

I prefer my partner make at least $100k per year. I've been with A guy that grossed 40k per year, has no ambition to move up. Doesn't have goals. He was really nice funny and loyal, but has a few vices/addiction and at the end of the month he didn't have money for dates, travel, savings, health insurance.... I don't want my man to make more money bc im greedy, i want him to make more so he can take care of his health and invest in time and a future with me. 💖

[@rhiannonh.7463]

Sounds like he’s coasting in life, comfortable being where he’s at. This just means you’re deal breaker is not dating someone who doesn’t have ambitions and goals, especially if they only talk about it but never take action to show they mean business. All dating teaches you when things don’t work out is new things you won’t tolerate for a serious relationship with the right person for you who compliments your life and makes things feel safe, stable, and a solid unit together.

[@RealFreenie42]

YES to a growth mindset oriented dating app! I’ve been looking for one for 3 years now!

[@Portia620]

Let’s be careful of saying that the partner is telling us something that’s upsetting them and then we turn it back around to where we’re saying it’s hurting our feelings because narcissist can use these moments to really switch things up sticky ground area here

[@jerry-mind-sky]

After 50 women dont need men.

[@carolgonzales4262]

@jerry-mind-sky I have always been stronger than men...not physically but everywhere else. I was with a narc for my whole life. I didn't know what a whimp he was until I was free. Still stronger than him. Women don't need men...men need women..

[@Joshualuv13]

In my 62 years of experience as a woman.. I find even in my generation. Most men are fickle when it comes to looks .

[@ronniejohnson9294]

Lisa, could you please do an interview like this for homosexual relationships? Lesbian/Gay relationships are quite different from heterosexual relationships. It would also get a lot of hits for you. TIA🙏

[@lwontherez7927]

The Gottman’s actually say that two partners who are both avoidant towards conflict work BETTER than, say, one avoidant and one communicative.

[@jasmineb5697]

I am no friends with exes. They are in the ex flies for a reason. I am happy not knowing anything about them nor do I want them to know anything about me. I am happy and I’m patient for the one is truly meant for me however long that will be. But in the meanwhile, I’m just living my best life without the added drama.❤️

[@NicolaDietrich]

I have no expectations. I've been single for 13 years.

[@AllisonGT]

I disagree. Do. Not. Settle. You will break them by picking them apart because you never thought they were “good enough” to start with. If you are not attracted to them and don’t respect them, move on for THIER sake.

[@EmpressEnterprises]

There is something VERY "off" about this conversation. Why is it, I find nothing she is saying applicable or truthful???

[@GeraldineDevlin-y8u]

Yep ! …. blah , blah , blah. Something off putting about those that ‘spew out’ aspects of ‘ how to be ‘ in a relationships …… as a given ! Incessantly talking * * * * is off putting !

[@Gingersnaps50]

Great questions Lisa! 🤩

[@phoenixrising5338]

This made me physically ill. I listened to an hour and had to turn it off. Years of listening to this stuff from marriage counselors while married to a narcissist, all of which was useless and totally manipulated (as were the therapists) by the narcissist. It so didn't work with an extremely covert, psychopathic narc. I'm with those who have commented and said free at last and no thanks to going back into bondage!

[@Superlunar335]

She is right and You are right. This tips are for"normal" people. The covert psycho narcs are the worst. Forget therapy. Hide instead

[@Portia620]

So the reason, people divorce after living together is more about the sunk cost thing? Then the only reason people stay married is because they know that they’re gonna lose something so basically that marriage certificate keeps them staying longer, which is not always a good thing either right??

[@Xiaoping_5789]

Right😂

[@antoinettegilbert9258]

I don’t think height should be a major factor in falling in love with a man who has a pure heart and loves U as you are.🤷🏾☝🏾

[@elsagrace3893]

I prefer short guys. I don’t even like tall guys.

[@Karina_Engr]

1:25:57 exactly this. That specific group of Men need to evolve to become eligible. Women aren’t settling. 😂

[@jeanne8264]

please talk about the stigma of not having a relationship for a long time and how to talk about it to a potential partner as there is no a "good" story to tell, only like "yeah I'm mostly afraid of relationships because of my father and I'm working on it" :))

[@Supsup7777]

Guys often pick the girl in front of them. They are not nearly as picky as women. I think they need to raise their standards some though.

[@TonganJedi]

Why do some women assume "settling" means being with someone you're not attracted to? Of course you have to be attracted to them. That's the starting point. Settling isn't about having something undesirable. It's about not demanding what's unimportant. It's about recognizing that your ego is getting in the way of your goals.

[@user-ku5vm5jb1h]

Lisa, I stopped listening 4 minutes in. This therapist is blaming women basically. It’s cringe. She’s painting men as these easy going, simple creatures and women as complicated and difficult. Women are just more savvy these days and have been abused. Don’t blame a woman for picking up on cues when they meet a new guy.

[@MHarmony528]

Unfortunate for you as things got more interesting and insightful, this is a good therapist who shared some very valuable information into dating & relating.

[@SukhamSpa]

Disagree totally she is a fabulous teacher here what a gift thank you

[@kurtjames9487]

Women hate looking into a mirror that reveals too much. That's what therapists tend to do with women.

[@fenfaerielee94]

​@@kurtjames9487😂😂😂 wtf

[@kurtjames9487]

@@fenfaerielee94 are you really that obtuse? Women quit therapy when the therapist tries to hold them accountable.

[@MoonLight-gm6zm]

What a great talk! I absolutely loved Lori! ♥

[@Patricia-cl5yr]

Bc everything is so overanalyzed everybody is single this day and age😂

[@elmagonzales1511]

Soo good ❣🇮🇸

[@kaydykes9916]

I love this video just as much as I love all of your videos Lisa! Absolutely love what you do! I'm not quite finished with this video, but wanted to chime in about something that I keep hearing.… I'm hearing a lot about how women are always looking for the better deal and can't settle because they think they could find something better described in a negative light and I don't disagree, but I do want to submit another perspective. From a biological perspective, men and women partner up to procreate etc. women must be very selective when choosing a mate because they are going to have to go through pregnancy, childbirth, and child rearing. Not only is a woman looking for a man with the genes, he will need protection and support during the pregnancy and after childbirth etc. So given that the woman is the one who has to physically go through all that, and makes sense that women would be so selective bringing life into the world is no easy task. Just food for thought. please keep in mind the world is a different place now, I'm just referring to basic biology

[@Melodie007]

Lisa you have a great channel ❤

[@TaniaSeabock]

Lisa looks so pretty in this video!

[@Mindsetolympics]

53:00 stay out of fear or leave out of fear... lol I'm dually talented... I stay for 3 months tops out of fear then leave out of fear LOL. She was on to something though when she said emotional maturity!!!! yessss

[@LitaJames]

Always choose the one who love u not the one who u love

[@sunaina2084]

Great insights! ❤

[@elliefrangoulis2228]

A 6??? A 6 does not warrant a second date. Men only have 3 because their standards are so low and they aren’t looking for anything serious the majority of times. If you’re a 6 and you will sleep with them and not threaten their ego they’ll want to see you again.

[@lwontherez7927]

In some relationships, with a narcissist for example, it’s not always both people in the relationship who were at fault. Great Friends as ex’s: then i believe they could have made it work-. Plus! Narcissists want to tension “friends” after a divorce.. To keep YOU/their ex s as an “insurance policy” (for future hoovering).

[@clarecmkupf1715]

I’m curious Lisa. What outfit did you wear for your first date with your husband? ❤

[@mombaby219]

What going over night with an ex or having lunch while you're in a relationship???!! Also it's my trust issue if i don't agree with that. Wow i do not agree with open intended contact with an ex while you're in a relationship .

[@fenfaerielee94]

Hell no

[@lf3554]

WOW Lisa! You keep outdoing your show with every guest and topic. Dating is such a science! Its no wonder relationships have been a revolving door of partners and multiple divorces. Its Not just romance and butterflies gotta look deep under the bonnet. I am always grateful for the experience, which has exposed me to all these deep thought provoking topics. ❤