10 Lies That Become A Narcissist's Alternate Reality

The narcissistic pattern is built upon illogic, but instead of confronting their lack of reasoning, narcissists concoct numerous falsehoods to prop up their self serving agenda. Dr. Les Carter identifies ten of the most common lies that narcissists actually embrace as truth.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@elizabethsigmon]

The saddest conclusion I have come to about the narcissist in my life (who has been in my life for over forty years) is that they would rather CONTROL me than have a real RELATIONSHIP with me. As long as this person feels they are in control, that's all that matters. Any kind of depth, emotion, closeness, or vulnerability will be thrown under the bus in a heartbeat in exchange for the fierce hand of dictating and controlling everything.

[@TC-gx3qn]

Exactly! Very pitiful.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Spot on.

[@elizabethsigmon]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Hi Dr. C. I've been watching you a long time, but just commented for the first time today. Your messages are so calming, reassuring, and helpful. You give off vibes that are the complete opposite of a narcissist. Perhaps that's why so many people love listening to you. They are looking for the OPPOSITE of they are experiencing.

[@andrewsmith3257]

Yep. And there's no bargaining either just go no contact most narcs are total pieces of crap

[@pacs0508]

"You just don't know me." That is exactly what my ex said! I guess she was my ex.🤷🏾‍♂️🤔

[@panfried7566]

if there's one word to describe narcissists it's they're severely delusional. thanks, Dr. C.

[@jill4268]

They should reopen asylums for NARCS

[@llhannah9297]

@@jill4268 100% They are dangerous because they don't even see reality. Their influence on society is pervasive.

[@missnyssah8048]

Delusional and toxic...

[@aveneer]

@@jill4268 in this world that's running on promotion of the big-mouths, the self-centered madmen? Don't you see? They RUN the asylums, especially when they're registered as companies.

[@sundara888whelan5]

Agreed my friend! Tragically so!

[@douaa1934]

My biological father wanted others to think that his dysfunctional life should be accepted as a norm. Narcissists want others to accept their way of thinking as everyone's reality. All for selfish motives

[@tbunnyshy1]

Oh do I hear you. I’m sorry for what you and your family endured. ❤

[@amandaliverpool3374]

My biological father, whom I never met, was bi polar. Nobody told my mum until after they were married (which lasted 11 weeks). This, however, was long enough for me to be conceived. Growing up, I was watched like a hawk in case I had any of his traits!

[@AnnmarieKeim-vw7ll]

Definitely, they want their backward thinking to accepted as everyone's reality. That can't happen because they have no credibility. They really are con artist.

[@sanjmalik6282]

My ex inlaws knew their son had mental health problems with the patterns he had growing up but they kept quiet and I only saw the real him a year after we got married.

[@Greenawareness188]

Thank you ,that is a very key part of narcissism.They have a strong need to normalize their thinking and behavior.

[@BK-qp8zp]

My narcissist lied even when he didn't need to. And to show how stupid he was, he destroyed and discarded the love that was standing right in front of him.

[@Lemana28021989]

My guess: 1 "Everyone is evil and wants to do me harm." 2 "You are guilty for making me feel so empty." 3 "I have to be superior." 4 "I have to be in power." 5 "As soon as I see you being different, I need to fight that." 6 "Your boundaries are a threat, I need to go against and over them to show you they're not worth it." 7 "Simply SAYING sorry is enough, i don't have to mean it, people will believe me." 8 "I am not accountable for my actions, others made me act that way." 9 "My way is the only way." 10 "Everyone is there to serve me."

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're onto the concept!

[@colleenshea2293]

The mind plays something like this, "I will win at all cost"

[@francesbernard2445]

I admire your writing skills. I want to relearn how to write with less words that are precise always when taking notes and writing summaries too.

[@CharingCross712]

My sister in a nutshell

[@Greenawareness188]

You are very perceptive . Thank you for the conciseness of your list.

[@KM-nq7ez]

Self Centered and Self Serving to the point of Disgustingness.

[@shaundavey5938]

Projection,projection,projection.

[@andy.hello.6602]

If somebody makes you feel like you're walking on egg shells...leave them

[@fiefieviolet]

I've constantly felt like walking on eggshells with certain people. I'd get confused and dissociate a bit and they would interpret that as hostility. And very often I'd think i was wrong afterwards

[@andy.hello.6602]

@@fiefieviolet self love and respect is the cure to narcissistic abuse. You realise their abuse isnt worth listening to.

[@fiefieviolet]

​@@andy.hello.6602 Thanks dear ❤

[@WisconsinWanderer]

My ex-narc wife would remind me every now and again “you don’t have to worry about me honey I’m the most honest person you’ll ever have in your life” well we all know how that turned out! Narcissism is so toxic and dangerous it boggles the mind! Be safe my friends 😊

[@damo9961]

Anyone that says something like that lives in a delusional world of dishonesty and sees everyone else as super dishonest.

[@cyndim8785]

And is very scary at times.

[@druchampion-payne1489]

Reminds me of the time when our ex-son-in-law came over to our house, with our daughter, and announced, "the only thing that matters to me is making this woman happy!!" ... his statement came out of nowhere and at the time we believed him; and I thought it was so sweet & sincere. Turns out he was a serial cheater, probably slept with 8 different women during their 6 year marriage -- our daughter was heartbroken and we were all shocked & devastated!!!

[@WisconsinWanderer]

@@druchampion-payne1489 that is so terrible I’m sorry that happened to you all but I can relate to your pain I didn’t know half of what my ex-narc was up to till 2 years after I divorced her. I’m still in therapy to build trust,it’s hard.

[@tbunnyshy1]

“You are the problem. Our family doesn’t have problems! Its just you!!” In other words, they don’t want to address or fix anything. There is no “team”, just the team against you.

[@THRASHMETALFUNRIFFS]

Nice one! Reminds me of Doctor Phil trying to get through to the parents of a troubled teen to realize their own contribution and tells them "It's not a ME problem, it a WE problem"!!

[@justmyopinion2205]

Thank you for clearly exposing the truth about my entire family, now EX-family! 🙏

[@warriormom5843]

Yup. THIS!

[@suzanne4396]

Yesssss!! Scapegoat --🐐🐐🐐

[@duromusabc]

Yep 👍- that narcissist family will say that

[@henkmeiring01]

They think they are emphatic,can read people.While it is obvious they dont have a clue.Have seen so many times irritation in eyes of people whom they try to impress/influence.Most of time they think when people dont say a word,it is in awe of their "wisdom".They misread silent politeness totally.

[@optical-illusion9996]

Im increasingly convinced they actually 'Demons', call me crazy but i actually do believe they are!

[@Suzu52]

I have come to that conclusion..not joking...nothing else explains the crazymaking behavior

[@whiteraven69]

I have one in my life who has targeted me bc my husband and I are the support people for the father. We have a farm and the father has lived in a cabin for a year learning about organic farming. During this time he had a week on visits with his 5 yr. old daughter. As a retired CPS worker I began to suspect a personality disorder w/CovNarc mom … When she ditched the exboyfriend for the new supply 25 yr. older boyfriend she told him the most malacious lies…and filed 2 restraining orders on the ex and the father charging us with SA of her daughter. When the judge threw out these complaints..She stepped up the attack and now filed a criminal suit… I was initially gut punched bc she did this a day after my hsuband collapsed and died on our farm… Only a demon would make such a malacious and damaging accusation ..and take it to a criminal level. She has fabricated this entire complaint ..and now I am paying for a lawyer and facing a trial ..I have to defend myself and my dead husband . This is unbelievable .

[@schizorap]

They are so Demonic, completely possessed by evil

[@coldfact.]

I believe it too... I don't even believe that their always "turned" that way due to their childhood or some trauma. My narc mother has told stories that show how she has always been self-centered & nasty. She got off on it & thinks those stories are cute. I truly believe they are fallen angels offspring & ultimately had a bad seed within from the start. Something may have awakened it, but their core was tainted to being with. The Bible talks about, "weeds among wheat." This imo is the exact meaning of that passage. Not everyone here is real & Satan has found a way somehow to have us (earth angels) born into these chaotic families- to give us no chance at making it. They sense the light immediately & hate us even before they actually know why & before we know who we are! If we ever do. They don't want us to know! It is definitely evil! This is what it looks like. 💔💯

[@christinagipperich2780]

You’re not crazy. The concepts of demons, vampires, and other things like that came from somewhere valid. I think the folklore came from people’s lived experiences over time.

[@raygarafano3633]

Being honest won't just blow their cover, it will blow their fragile mind to bits.

[@margaretgrace5902]

Q: How can you tell a narcissist is lying? A: His/her lips are moving. I had to conclude almost everything my narcissistic partner told me was at least in part, untruthful.

[@M_SC]

True. If they happen to say something true, it’s still for ulterior motives. Words are not related to reality for them.

[@LimaOz5]

They're such persuasive, convincing liars.

[@jesussaves4262]

@@LimaOz5 Amen! But sad for them...we can't imagine how miserably miserable they must feel. Being so persuasive, "sincere " on outside, is why majority of untrained, inexperienced ppl believe them above us, as N know just how to do it. But oh IF ONLY ppl cld see behind the closed doors!,...that's all it wld take. Wolves in sheep clothing....ready to pounce on you, "devour" you when they know no one is seeing. Untold/ unexplainable pain you don't wish on anyone. God!, the truth must get out!

[@kathryntredennick8307]

I have a narcissist daughter in law that blocked my texts & now won’t let me text her son, who just received a cell phone at Christmas! She just does not want any relationship with me to the point she never acknowledges me. She invites us to her kids birthday parties and only until the kids reach 10 & then that’s over! Have maybe 3 more parties….as long as I stay non-reactive. Just trying to have contact with the grandkids…but she does not make it fair! Her parents can text her and her son! Just heartbreaking and we always behave as if DIL is normal. We give her respect and kindness but that is not appreciated or acknowledged. Just feel so stuck in a very sick non-relationship! My son keeps trying to justify her actions & he sounds ridiculous to us!

[@joannbates8037]

​@@kathryntredennick8307good news. They don't stay children forever. There will come a time when they can make their own decisions.

[@janpressler1491]

Been going through this Narcissistic bull s**t for over 33 yrs with my husband....I've been so unhappy every day with this problem because I never knew what Narisstic people were like....come to find out that I've been living with this ALL my LIFE until I came upon your videos. What a life saver you are!!!! I can't even stand being in the same room with my husband. I now see who he really is. Every word you speak is HIM to a tee. My feelings for him are gone...totally.!!!! It's hard living with someone you HATE to be around...so I'm off doing my own thing with like minded people and starting to enjoy my life without my husband being around. I'm 71 and enjoying the things I love to do.....Excersize, staring a Garden, playing Pickleball, Painting and just finding PEACE of Mind. Gray Rock sure does help ALOT!!!!!!!

[@jillb7234]

Wow! I’m living the same dream you are! Being older, its too hard to leave!

[@kathyhoffman3163]

Same here, 35+years of empty promises and lame excuses.

[@leanne123]

Are your children suffering ? My narc stepfather turned my brother into a narc. He is continuing the tradition of attempting to scapegoat me. What an asshole. I used to love him dearly until the SF bullied me out of the house and focused on my brother. This shit is like a cancer that doesn't die. I'm 66 and found out about narcissism only a few years ago and am so grateful to know what has, and is going on. I can protect my emotions from being trampled because I know now what a monster my little brother has become. I'm so sad that his personality and emotions have been so damaged.

[@leanne123]

Thanks and same to you. Remember they are sick and twisted. Not really sane. Have strong boundaries in every area of your life or they will destroy your happiness again. You have mine and the support and understanding of many other people in similar circumstances. Find your own way. Don't let them stop you. 🙋🧡

[@karenk2409]

I lived your life for 46 years. He went way too far and mistook me for a punching bag. I ran like hell and never looked back, 68 years old. 72 now and life is peaceful and good. I will die a free woman.

[@kathleenbristol6747]

My husband narc. is a compulsive lier.I catch him lying quite a bit,and half truths!

[@renaissance5300]

they are vague just to srew you up leaving out important info very secretive

[@angelablaney4575]

Narc, told me he treated everyone how he liked to be treated!!!!???? I told him he had low expectations and standards!!!!???😂

[@griff791]

So envious of Gus. He doesn’t have to deal with any narcissists

[@sueshields9107]

Amen!!

[@druchampion-payne1489]

LOL!!!!

[@nancytwigg4631]

Before he abruptly discarded me, the covert narcissist in my life, said "Love shouldn't be this hard". That's an outright LIE if ever I heard one. He rationalized his alternate reality. A truly loving and supportive relationship does take effort, and at times, hard work and nuturing care. You can't help but feel sorry for the narcissist's immature reality made up of lies, lies, and more lies. The truth is they suffer with an extremely fragile ego. I will continue with my choice, the reality that says "True unconditional Love is so worth the hard work!"

[@alexsavutube]

Doesn't sound like a narcisist. They fight you til the end, they pick at your self esteem but they have no desire to abandon you. They thrive in conflict. You feel sorry for the stupid, immature narcisist, do you? So you are better then him? Everyone should agree that "A truly loving and supportive relationship does take effort" because this is the reality? You are entitled for others to make efforts for your love? You' l just continue with your choice, no ground given, no compromise made. He already caused you so much grief rite? Sounds like he dodged a bullet there and you're here to get information to blame shift. Either you're the narcissist or you misjudged him. I am tired of narcissists destroying lives and I think they should be isolated from society, or at least from children. I know I sound quite stupid to you so please go suck a lemon.

[@pacs0508]

You're absolutely right. I had the same experience. It seemed as though I was the only one fighting for anything. The other person was like I can take it or leave it. Nothing that should've mattered did.

[@Rockstar-kw7bz]

🙏🏽 Amen ! Facts 💯

[@TC-gx3qn]

Another pearl of wisdom, Dr C. The delusion knows no bounds. One narcissist in my life told me, "I have never been anything but sweet to you your whole life." The only thing more nauseating than hearing that bold faced lie was looking into their eyes and seeing that they actually believed it. Blessings to you both and Gus from California. 🐕

[@druchampion-payne1489]

Oh I can relate .... recently my narcissistic mother-in-law passed away and she could be mean, not only to me, but to others as well ... anyway, I read her obituary and it made me nauseous as if whoever wrote it was trying too hard by painting a false image of who this woman was; written as if she was a Saint ...her obit even stated that she met her second husband *after* her first husband died and then the two of them got married -- what a lie! They actually knew each other for over 50 years and her second husband actually *left* his wife and divorced her, so he could shack-up with my mother-in-law. And they never even got married! ... the whole obit was one big, fat lie after another lol 🤣

[@TC-gx3qn]

@@druchampion-payne1489 Maybe she wrote it herself before she passed. Never know. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I would not be surprised if a narcissist did that.

[@wandajemison4166]

Been there. I'VE HEARD THE SAME STATEMENT

[@wandajemison4166]

​@@druchampion-payne1489 WOW😢

[@TC-gx3qn]

@@wandajemison4166 The self-delusion is downright mind-boggling. 🫨

[@michellehill718]

The Narcissist (s) to Team Healthy: "I am NOT a defensive person, I am actually a very approachable open individual!" Team Healthy to the Narcissist(s): Yeah! I can really see that.

[@juliana.x0x0]

My mother's favorite quote is, "I reject your reality, and I substitute my own." -Calvin and Hobbes It was from a comic and obviously in the context of that it was funny because it was so ridiculous, but she just loved to bring that one up randomly, and that kind of became a running theme with her, until I finally left a few days before I turned 18, because there was basically nothing she could do at that point, and she couldn't hold the cops over my head anymore, and she knew it. It is interesting how the family members of mine kind of low key accept and admits that she just believes what she believes and no one can change her mind🙄

[@AAXS-op1vo]

I have been comforted by the reality that my ex, LONG before talk of narcissism became a “thing” had a mental health professional tell him to his face that he was a narcissist (mild to moderate) and that he could change “if he wanted to”. Well we all know how THAT worked out!🙄. Of course, many years later when I tried to remind him of the conversation with the specialist, he claimed NO memory of the conversation or the person who said it to him. That’s when I KNEW there was a gigantic problem. Total denial, total delusion. It was incredible and I am so glad I don’t have that in my orbit anymore. Insanity.

[@duromusabc]

When you meet a narcissist, you have entered The twilight zone….. dooo dooo doooo dooo dooo doooo dooo dooo! Their delusional alternate reality is THE TWILIGHT ZONE AND THE OUTER LIMITS too

[@evonne531]

The most helpless thing is you do not have evidences for other people to show its toxic core and fake appearance. N person wears different masks on different occasions in his distorted world.

[@druchampion-payne1489]

@@evonne531 Precisely!!!! My mother-in-law was a covert narcissist (passed away two months ago). That woman would act as sweet as pie towards me when my husband was around, but would cut me to pieces when she had me alone. My MIL was the most 2-faced person I have ever known. Every time I told my husband what she said he couldn't believe it, so he never confronted her. Probably best that he didn't, because now I know that she would've denied, lied and turned everything back on me. Thank God she's gone!! I cheered the day she passed away (in secret), but pretended to be sad around my husband.

[@brucefrasier1475]

And after the 'Outer Limits', you proceed into 'One Step Beyond'🚀👽🛸! . . .

[@Joemar4]

As expected , my now deceased Narcissistic mother was 10 for 10 (plus the bonus!) with these lies! Yes, she is no longer on this earth, but the damage she caused me and my brother still lives on! Oh how I wish I knew about this channel and this saint of a doctor, Dr. Carter, just a couple of years ago. Would have made a world of difference dealing with her. But Dr. Carter, you’re making a world of difference with us dealing with this mess she’s left behind. I thank you and my brother thanks you. God Bless you…..and Gus!

[@velveetaslingshot]

I wish I had found out about all this stuff 20 years ago. I would walked away and never looked back. I feel like Ive been cheated out of the only life I may get to live.

[@bodaciousbethany0]

​@@velveetaslingshoti just realized I didn't get to do many things I wanted. It was always about Mom. Learning about narcissism in 2019, I've learned to enjoy life and do what I want & what makes me happy. 💚

[@druchampion-payne1489]

I appreciate your comment so much ....my narcissistic mother-in-law abused me, off & on, for over 35 years, and two months ago she finally passed away. And someone said, "Well she's gone now, so just let it go -- move on!" ...and I wish I could but it isn't that simple. The emotional injuries she caused will never go away. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Healing is a process. Take care :)

[@DarkMadamX83]

JE.. Aggravated Assault on a Law Enforcement Officer with use of Deadly Weapon, Criminal Property Damage, Endangering a Child, reckless situation.. my child. He's finally where he needs to be, unfortunately it took all of this..He knew I was leaving him and he could not keep it together. He knows he lost his only ally in this world.. My heart is broken and I am shaken, but my God, I am free.. I am validated.. and I will heal.

[@sharonjones5173]

If you are not celebrating their wonderfulness to their satisfaction, get ready for the rage and anger. The contempt and arguments will be directed at you, and THEN the narcissist will pout and play the victim and demand that YOU apologize. The silent treatment follows if you don’t.

[@Loriburnett]

Absolutely, true Sharon!

[@kklock9057]

This is very useful information. Often, my ex-partner's version of lying would be to tell a half truth to conceal her real motive. But then when I asked questions to clarify what was happening, she would be furious, tell me "You can't let go of things," and "You are hyper-sensitive." So I never got answers to my questions, but just felt confused and awful about myself. Gaslighting.

[@aliceroberts1980]

Yeah and leave a lot information out than call you stupid because you didn’t get it ! I lived one day my daughter caught on to what he was going and said to him “ You didn’t tell her that !” He walked away she shut him right down!

[@tbunnyshy1]

Exactly. The half truth helps create “plausible deniability”. Talking to them less is “more”. Otherwise we are getting set up for more mocking and games. At least we know whats going on NOW. ❤️

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

You may even get the impression they think that you are so far beneath them that any old story will do, and don't waste their time expecting anything else.

[@bereal6590]

The dismissiveness as if it's way too much trouble to be bothered about how you feel!

[@kklock9057]

@@tbunnyshy1 Exactly. The one time I got her to admit that she had been dishonest, she said, "I did it because I didn't want to lose you." The tragic/pathetic thing is, in that moment, she was probably being honest. That memory still rips my hear out.

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

I did have to go solo in the end because there was no way my ex narcissist husband was going to listen to anything I had to say. He was so much more knowledgeable intellectually than I was, thinking he was superior, but in the end I knew I had common sense and he had very little.

[@morebirdsandroses]

Give yourself points for seeing reality too!

[@elizabethy2912]

Same here. His superiority always made me feel so small . This narcissism thing is just such a mind twist.!!

[@David-eu1ms]

People who have been put on a pedestal in youth don't want to live on the same level as everyone else.

[@lilianproencademenezesmont4161]

They don't trust us but they want us to trust tjem. Funny thing. It is that crumbles the relationship. Hello Dr. Carter. Say hello to adorable Gus.

[@themetalone7739]

The narcissist I used to have in my life once firmly asserted that he could, in fact, admit he had flaws and could admit fault when he was wrong. I challenged him on that a little, and asked him to give me an example (I never ask people questions like that; I was trying to lead him to a realization). That was the night he told me I was dead to him...9 years and counting... There is no winning with a narcissist. The closest you will ever get is to have them discard you. Wish I'd realized that right after it happened, but I'm there now.

[@andrewsmith3257]

Yeah exactly being discarded is a win with these demons (bc they aren't people)

[@t_nels]

Such a beautiful community! 🌹 Thank you for bringing us together Dr Carter. 🌹

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You’re so welcome

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I agree. It's definitely a place where there are always like minded kind people ❣️

[@texaspatty458]

We are very blessed to have you here as well , Teresa 🪻

[@t_nels]

@@texaspatty458 Thank you 🙂

[@tbunnyshy1]

Dr. C. is amazing. He really cares and he created a safe community. There are so many friends here. The chat during livestreams is a great time to connect with everyone. It feels like home here…a healthy home with a great big heart. ❤️

[@dsaylor36]

When my father was alive , my parents calling each other a hypocrite was a big fight between them. I remember him saying to my mother all the time that she wanted everyone to tell her how wonderful she is and get a pat on the back. She knew how to look like she was the victim when he said that. Its so sad He passed away never overcoming the way she projected him to be. He was exactly right . I became the primary source after he passed.

[@holmavik6756]

Please don’t attempt to expose/win against/destroy a narcisist unless you know Exactly what you are doing. Just move away from them and patiently watch them destroying their own life…

[@llhannah9297]

Question: Why do narcissists always seem to make the absolute worse decisions about literally everything and then try and convince everyone it's the best decision because they are the all knowing guru of all things?? I find it so fascinating. I noticed they never even get lucky with their decisions, they are always bad, the worst possible scenario. Is this subconscious or on purpose?

[@Suzu52]

This is the new excuse I am given on a daily basis now, when calling out the narcissist's bizarre behavior/choices- " I thought I was doing the right thing"....doesn t matter it was the opposite of "right thing", he has himself gaslit ....horrid people( who to the outside world, look like a "great guy".....his toxic abuse of me as his chosen target, is a dirty little secret.

[@llhannah9297]

@@Suzu52 Exactly. They wreak havoc on our lives then guilt trip us for having any feelings about it.

[@openeyes46]

I feel because they love drama and the attention that they can pull from it .

[@denicehaley9902]

Because they’re always better than anyone else. 😡

[@ladyalaya]

That sounds like my my narc. When I call him out his response is, "I know, I know." Looking all fake sheepish. Today I said, "If you KNOW that means you did the wrong thing on purpose!" His response, "I mean, I know now." Me: "You know now, but didn't know before? Even though we've discussed this? You're either stupid or a liar, pick one, but your not coming out of this with any good excuse."

[@lesliewoolnough7871]

Confusion and cruelty! Then Conversation over

[@patricialee1537]

High points: The narc lies: I should be free from pain or struggle. You should admire me. You deserve to be scorned for your mistakes. If you see flaws, it is because you don't know me. I am not defensive, I am approachable. People critisize me becaue they are jealous. I am not a controlling person. Actually I am epathetic and knowing. I don't have a hidden agenda. I am not arrogant. I am not a hipocrite. Truth: We think differently. I will continue to live according to my understanding. I have no need to force you to agree with me. Honesty: Narcissists can't be honest with you because thet can't be honest with themselves. Narc delusion is not my gig - I am on team healthy. Honesty, respect, and stability. I am a person of peace.

[@LimaOz5]

I eventually learnt that the content of any "discussion" is utterly irrelevant. Always. They will insist on whatever they need to say to "win" the conversation - if only in their own mind. They can and will give five contradictory stories in the same conversation - even the same sentence. And even when that's pointed out, it doesn't deter them. In fact, sometimes they'll gloat about just that. They'll perform some version of, "See? I'm so powerful that the laws of truth don't apply to me! You're just a pathetic lesser being trapped on a lower plane than me. Don't you DARE presume to hold me accountable. I MAKE the rules." Forget trying to reason with them. In their mind, there is no gradation between the extremes of them being crushed or you being crushed. For them, listening and responding to what you say would mean losing, and that's unthinkable. All that matters to them is the illusion of winning.

[@Cathyat40]

When I reflect on my marriage, it seemed like my narcissistic husband (now ex-husband) was only abusive to me, and not to others; and then I remember how people warned me not to marry him.

[@suzanne4396]

😂😂😂 " Distort truths." LIES LIES LIES ⚡💥💥😂

[@pamelafrancis6086]

I can never give in to their lies. Their timing is way off. Makes me just avoid them.

[@laurelbarlow5733]

My late stepfather acted like that I was the difficult person.

[@mrunknown1019]

Much of what is mentioned in this video, Example, ("I am not a controlling person") is the same principle as when Richard Nixon said in a public address, "I am not a crook."

[@crishuez]

"I know you better than you know yourself.". When I would get upset, I wold hear this along with "I know why you're really upset and I'm not going to tell you. You can figure it out alone.".

[@Andrew-eo5bv]

The list looks like a CVS receipt.

[@deborahcollins1100]

My narcissistic husband of over 38 yrs absolutely does all these lies. He is Extremely difficult to deal with especially regarding our estate planning and doing a will. This is so very important as we both are in our 70 s and I really do not want to leave our adult daughter and my 3 adult sons with a mess on their hands of course when we pass away. But try and discuss getting our financial affairs in order is absolutely a subject that my husband will discuss. He has no clue what people have to go through when a love one passes away. I imagine maybe that I should of course speak to an attorney or Legal Aid to explain the situation and get their advice as to what I can do

[@denicehaley9902]

Agree. I’m almost 61 and have Long Covid. I’ve tried over the past few years to get my “husband” to estate plan and update our living trust. I’m going to see legal counsel or a lawyer soon since my health has declined steeply.

[@ginafarley6190]

Go ahead and do it and don’t tell him. You’ll sleep better at night. No need for you to have this silly battle. ❤️

[@leanne123]

​@@denicehaley9902Don't wait around for them. They are fucked in the head because of their emotional damage. They have nothing to contribute to a sane conversation. It's BETTER to do it without his input. He will find reasons to complain but ignore him and do the right thing for your children as soon as you can. A lawyer can help you. Speak to legal aid and find a lawyer who can help you for free or at a lower price. If it isn't possible PAY in installments if you have to. Get it done girl. You are on your own. ♥️♥️♥️♥️

[@elizabethy2912]

Good luck!! 😊😊

[@CS-hy6es]

like going thru the drive thru 'they always get my order wrong they are un educated' yet never checks the order before leaving, keeps going to the exact same place for food, lets them over charge, ruin the order then come home and rant and complain about how THEY are dumb and how much more they themselves know and can read because they graduated barely from high school / passive aggressive alternate reality of actions and words.

[@s.s.8029]

The empathy one kills me every time! And being told I was jealous so many times was pure projection on their part! I had to laugh out loud at many of the "true" lies that you mentioned here!

[@helencampanha3252]

I attended one couples therapy visit. The therapist said he has to work with the partner ( narcissist). Now the therapist says the behavior of the narcissist is not a big deal (eg conquering wife’s friends enamoring them, ignoring wife, etc). Narcissist came back to wife and told her this is a patriarchal world, and our manly character flaws are accepted by society as being normal.

[@psmith6512]

Narcs lie. If any narcissist is telling you what someone else said, no. Narcs lie, never trust.

[@maxinehurley8824]

Bollocks!

[@morebirdsandroses]

Nuts!🤮

[@DahliaBrynn]

My husband definitely expects what amounts to worship. If you try to point it out he denies it flat out, but it’s really what he demanded. He could never be wrong. His favorite line was even when he’s wrong he’s still right because he is the head of the house. I had to let him be wrong, because it was his right to be wrong. But if I was wrong, or anyone else, they deserved nothing less than full blown shaming, yelling, etc. His grasp on reality was clearly slipping.

[@tyremanguitars]

is lying/exaggerating about education a common trait?

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I would say so!

[@tbunnyshy1]

Sure, also their child’s education because the child is an extension of the narc.

[@texaspatty458]

I would say YES , they lie about EVERYTHING !

[@texaspatty458]

@@tbunnyshy1 ... Absolutely they lie on that , they will take credit for any accomplishments as well .

[@kynathomas4809]

Absolutely! I knew one who exaggerated everything, including education. However, she would say things like I've never had a job before. When I asked what her purpose of going to college was, she said, " to get an interview."

[@amyferrill770]

I'm fairly certain my husband is a narcissist. One example: He had to take a firefighting class for work, so he now tells people he's a full-fledged firefighter! I was horrified. He also likes to proclaim that HE decides what's important for me, but then says I take it out of context. I could go on and on.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's an example of a narcissist's Alternate Reality.

[@TheK7aloha]

After living w a covert narc for two years and knowing him for 15 yrs, he strangled me to the point of almost passing out last week. I called 911 immediately. He was arrested on 2nd assault felony in Colorado.

[@fightthegoodfightoffaithmi8676]

Jeremiah 3:15 And I will give you pastors according to mine heart, which shall feed you with knowledge and understanding. Hebrews 6:10 For God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love, which ye have shewed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister.

[@tedwaayers3873]

These videos have greatly helped me understand my mothers toxic nature. Thank you. I know now she'll never change and I can have good mental health regardless of her poison. I fell bad for her because she's actually very scared and alone even though she thinks she the greatest person in the world despite the trail of destruction she leaves in her wake. It's sad because we basically don't have any resemblance of a family and probably never will.

[@morebirdsandroses]

No resemblance of a family. That hits home! I've been working on realizing there never was, and the tipsy feeling of such a big lie dying. Hope you are doing well and keep doing even better!

[@Hatbox948]

I missed the chat. Had errands to run. The area that my narc lies the most about is his relationship with other women. A lot of these women have platonic relationships with him, and are not interested in a romantic dalliance. I find this so odd because they all join in when it comes to berating me. He lied about a cruise he took to Alaska. I don't like boats or the sea, so he cruises alone. Only when he went to Alaska he forgot to mention that a female "platonic" co-worker was accompanying him. They shared a cabin.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

You're here now and can always replay the video. You shouldn't have to put up with this juvenile behaviour! Take care 🙏

[@denicehaley9902]

“Platonic” really! Sharing a cabin isn’t “platonic.” I hope the best for you since this could be his biggest lie to you, sadly.

[@Hatbox948]

@@denicehaley9902 I'm on my way out thank God. He's told so many lies I can't keep them straight.

[@denicehaley9902]

@@Hatbox948, if you don’t mind me asking, what plans (financial, housing, shelter) and any talks to lawyers you took to get on your way out?

[@bennyscomin]

The common thread in each of these is utter lack of humility

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Very true

[@GetBackDown]

In a "spock" way, the pathological lying is the hardest part. Once a liar, always a liar. And so effortlessly. Probably more crucial than the emotional turmoil he put me through. In the end, it's the lies upon lies upon lies that sunk us. 💔

[@deanofrock6236]

Scary but true.

[@julienatoli8561]

The narc straight up lies! No remorse. No genuine repentance. And when you DO decide to speak up, & basically say Cut the crap! .. they might be sorry, THAT THEY GOT CAUGHT! not for their toxic behavior. 🤦 these folks are exhausting! Truth is merely a toy, the relationship is a game to them and they are out to win! Walk away, better yet RUN! Run fast and choose to seek peace instead. With God you're never alone 🙌🕊️❣️

[@thabomuso6254]

Attack is often the best defense. This is why narcs use it. The narcicisst I used to work for constantly accused other persons who had animosity towards her of being narcissists. And she studied on a shallow level how narcicists behave.

[@moebanshee]

YOU are making them do what they do. That's what my neighbor told me as he poisoned my grass. " I want you to know you're making me do this".

[@denicehaley9902]

Thanks, Dr. Carter, for giving words to my found again voice: “We think differently.” “I live according to my understanding.” “I truly have no need to force you to agree with me.” These are foundational boundary words I’m going to implement. I pray God’s blessings upon you, Gus, & Team Healthy. I’m taking diligent notes and am growing stronger from your teachings. I hope you enjoyed your vacation in Canada. The Texas heatwave starts again tomorrow. 🥵

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Just got back to the Texas heat a few hours ago. Ugh.

[@denicehaley9902]

@@SurvivingNarcissism, welcome home!

[@sfc5774]

I don’t know how you survive Texas heat/humidity! I briefly lived in Austin. I could not cope. Moved back to Colorado (which I never wanted to leave in the first place).

[@denicehaley9902]

@@sfc5774 after my “husband” left the USAF in Anchorage, AK, we moved back to Texas my home. It took at least 2 summers to climatize. You have beautiful seasons, climate (which I would get climate sickness), and geographic location in CO.

[@sfc5774]

@@denicehaley9902 Yes, CO has a lot of great features. I’ve lived here my whole life and have always loved it. TX is great about 2 months of the year. Otherwise I just can’t handle it. Stay safe from the heat and humidity. Ugh !

[@vampireslayer1989]

They never change. You need to change and walk away and go "no contact". That is the ONLY way that you win.

[@jennifer1947]

Spot on! This is exactly what my ex boss and ex executive director at an assisted living community did to me! I feel so bad for the residents. 😢

[@proverbs2522]

I got “I don’t lie, I tell it like it is and if you don’t like it then oh well!” And then he hasn’t told the truth once

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

When someone says I tell it like it is, it usually means: I'm closed minded and controlling.

[@proverbs2522]

My “mistakes” are not mistakes to a normal healthy person. I spent so much effort not trying to piss him off that I couldn’t imagine making an actual mistake cuz that would be the end of me.

[@Tawanda99]

Gus got the best parents ever! Such a loving home❤

[@dnwitte]

In re #7: My narc would always say "You're so hard to HELP." When I told him he needed to learn the difference between help and interference the tantrum and sulk lasted for hours.

[@glittergirl3052]

I dealt with a narc sibling and now a narc adult stepchild. I hung around for decades with the sibling until the repeated betrayals proved too much. I’ve been no contact with the sibling for 3 years. It’s such a relief. Now with adult SS, same situation maybe worse. The damage he does to the family is never ending. I’ve reached my end. I told my husband after my SS cruelly attacked him that I cannot engage SS anymore. I’m tired of the emotional abuse and punishing behavior. Has anyone found any other way to deal with narcs? Gray rock has only gone so far especially when narcs continually wreak havoc.

[@judyhogarth80]

My narcissist neighbour has tried repeatedly to get a job, when he got one, it’s lasted two weeks, and then he is asked to leave. The last job he had he was sacked on spot for shouting at children. That behaviour in uk is child abuse. He can’t keep a job. He is unemployable due to his personality. He doesn’t like being told what to do, because he is always right. So the next thing he say ‘I don’t really like working!’. It’s as if he’s in alternate reality. Everyone has to work to pay their bills Well his partner supports him financially. He is an absolute joke. My neighbour who is 90 and doesn’t go out. Said to me this morning ‘that man is very odd’ well there you have it. This man thinks he’s invisible. He continues to be condescending about others but there is he at 60 not able to get a job and being supported by his girlfriend. Who is he to critisise others? Thanks for this session.I listened several times. It helps.Judy from uk

[@marilynmoore8353]

Our grandson is becoming a narc being raised with a narc father . The other day he thru a narc fit in my daughters car and busted the window in her car out with his fist .Completely denied it while sitting right there . He's only 13 yrs.old and already ! My husband thought that was not good , i told him he did the same fits , his answer was " We'll i pay for the things i break "! Missed the point all together . The behavior 🤔

[@lynnparent5565]

Wish I had heard this growing up and now 63....big mistake allowing an injured narcissistic perpetrator like a vulture when I was overwhelmed with sadness from a brakeup

[@izawaniek2568]

The best response to a narcisist is: 1. We think differently 2. I will continue to live according to my understanding 3 I have no need to convince you to agree with me. Thank you dr Carter❤ God bless you❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You got it, Iza!

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

Narcisists build their persona on self-delusion. So true. Thank you dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤

[@moochiesmum]

I am married to a quintessential narcissist, these 10+1 "lies" are him in a nutshell. Your videos always make me feel better, I am constantly questioning myself, then I see one of your videos and I come back down to a realistic understanding of him and why I feel the way I do when he is on one of his tirades. Also, I was wondering if there is a any statistics that show whether more men are narcissists than women? It just seems to me that I've know many male narcissists, but, never met a woman, at least, not that I recognized as one.😊

[@ApacheMagic]

They are out there. I’ve known at least five.

[@drdauger]

I’ve known both, a few more women narcissists than men actually

[@silverlakegirl9078]

7th of August, I went no contact. I couldn't have done it without watching these videos and the comments of people who are experiencing the same thing. I feel so light, free, and happy. It was an accumulation of one year of misery, then on that day, he said one thing that pushed me too far. I'm sure he can't understand why that one comment, propelled me to traumaticly amputate him out of my life. But it was, just that.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

He is not required to understand for you to take your initiative! I wish wonderful things for you!!

[@silverlakegirl9078]

@SurvivingNarcissism I've sprouted wings and I'm flying high!!! My gratefulness for your help is ineffable.

[@user-rh5mz2td6r]

Hey Dr. Carter. I just wanted to thank you for all your videos. I watch at least one or two every day, and it gives me comfort as I continue to work through being discarded by a narcissist. His intentions was to hurt me but because of your videos and you’re teaching about narcissism I never went back. It’s been well over two years and I am healing.

[@leanne123]

It is a horrible situation to find your self in. Loving someone who has delusions about everything. Including you. It isn't easy to stop loving somebody. It's like an addiction. Love is a bond that is hard to break. Loving this person will only bring pain and confusion. They CANNOT change so don't hold out hope. Give it up. They fooled you into caring about them. It wasn't them. It was and always will be a fake personna. They lost reality a long time ago through abuse or neglect. Not their fault but it doesn't make them less cruel and heartless. So attractive but deadly toxic. Honest and decent people don't hurt you for any reason.

[@user-uv1vx9xi4d]

If you have been in one narcissist abuse wait until you are healed before you get into another relationship if you are not healed you will get into another toxic relationship i know what i am talking about i been in 3 toxic relationship mental and physical i didn't love my self i allowed someone else to control my life i found my self not being the person who i am i didn't even recognize my self things coming out of my mouth that was not nice there is never any excuse acting ugly don't ever allow any one control you Jesus Christ is the only hope for us all sign Cynthia Smith

[@76482]

I was blessed to work decades at a fortune 100 tech company that constantly sent us to training sessions for learning how to effectively handle different personality types. The intention was teaching us how our OWN personalities could best handle different types of customers. Almost every session said to use "I" instead of "you". Not a single conflict resolution skill taught to us has worked at home on my narc. The word "I" becomes an accusation against me by the narc of always or only "thinking about myself". 🤨

[@jaykay415]

That sounds like a great program though. We have a bunch of little courses available, but my problem is, I never seem to have any time for them at work. The N-person who got me delving into the world of narcissism though, just got fired!

[@leanne123]

​@@jaykay415 Thank God you are free from that !

[@jaykay415]

@leanne123 right?! Thank you!! I never expected that would happen.

[@suzanne4396]

Apparently, 😂 i need to be scorned for merely Existing!! 🤡💩

[@schizorap]

Exactly

[@MorgueVOID]

Please make a video on the topic of "induced conversation"! Thank you!

[@katiesaltertexasrealtor]

My husband literally makes up false realities and really seems to believe it. It’s so confusing and weird.

[@diane19456]

My husband does the same thing ...rages at me over things he imaged! God help us thanks for sharing. It is very helpful to know we are not alone!

[@joancrawford1146]

My husband had a deposition for our divorce 3 days ago. So many verifiable lies it makes no sense. We never lived together before marriage, he doesn’t own a vehicle in the driveway, he rides his bike 40 hours a week.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Once the divorce is finalized I hope you can move forward in wonderful freedom.

[@elainesmith5313]

Dr. C. Thank you for helping us untangle our lives from the Narcissist. People I have met since the Narcissist died were truly snowed by him. Comments like how nice he was and how proud he was of his family. Realizing now that we ( family) were just props on the stage of life, and made him look good. He mistreated us all in private. I refuse to cover him now that he is gone, I have no comments to people who claimed to admire him. I just walk away shaking my head. He truly was in self delusion and lived it out. Let Freedom Ring!! Thanks again for helping me get my life back on track. Moving forward in N.C. to a better life.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I totally get what you're saying, Elaine. Keep leaning forward!

[@karliann1]

I was just tt someone about this I said it's like this person lives in fantasy land. Life is perfect meanwhile she's homeless now has lost everything including her child but she is living this amazing life. Smh

[@eugenemurray2940]

Quite frankly... Continue posting But sometimes all I want is Lovely silence.... Observing Gus resting on Your couch.. So soothing Sir

[@desktopkitty]

My dad was so out of touch with reality, one thing he said to me when I was a kid 30 years ago I think did a good job of summing up how much in his own world he was living in. He said, "I never heard of Mariah Carey, she must not be that popular". I think she had the most #1 hits in the 90s than anyone else. That would be like if someone today said, "I never heard of Taylor Swift, she must not be that popular". It was frustrating and angering when my dad would not permit me to do things, and his decisions were based on having no hold on reality. For example, he refused to let me have an eyelash curler... because I might burn my eyes. He clearly had no idea what an eyelash curler was. If anything, they're cold. But that's how he was. He ruled the household, and he made up the rules based on misinformation and stupidity. It would be one thing to be told not to do something and there was logic and wisdom behind it, but not in his case. Don't even get me started on his sense of fashion. It sucked as a girl being raised by a single dad, who didn't know the first thing about being a girl, but thought he was such a know-in-all that he never asked anyone (like maybe a female co-worker) for advice.

[@southerncatlady]

Yep! My "stubbornness" was ALWAYS the problem. I wouldn't let him get away with unjust accusations without pushing back, so I was the issue. He had to be right, even if he was wong.

[@tombuddy100]

I asked my aunt (narcissist) why she has never managed to be on good terms with anybody she has known. She answered that it is because she does not curry favor with or adulate other people. I replied neither do I. She said nothing after that.

[@secondhorizon]

"All that I have ever done has been necessary inside this World where others have forced me live."

[@ginafarley6190]

lol

[@preparedsurvivalist2245]

As it relates to this topic, I think a great starting point to you boundary with narcissist is to simply state that you reject their assertion in its entirety. That way it leaves no room for expansion and continued justification and validation. Now saying this to them won't help matters of course, so you still need to be prepared to go no contact and just get away. Because likely they'll change the subject to some other tangent, which naturally will be another narrative where you are a villain, and they are the victim or hero. So best to just skip all that and go.

[@lcmarina]

It really seems like my mom believes her own lies even when there is evidence proving otherwise

[@nancymurphy6483]

My ex wrote in his “compliment/complaint journal”, (complaints were about me) I LIKE MYSELF, I’M TOO NICE A GUY, I DESERVE BETTER! He was shocked when our counselor told him he was a controlling person, (Isn’t Nancy trying to control me? “No, Nancy isn’t a controlling person.”) and he became angry when told he lacked a “third eye”, or insight into his own behavior. “That’s not true! I’m very introspective!” He came up with a reason why the therapist criticized him. (He criticized me too, and he was right on target, and gave me reasons to examine my own behavior). He decided he was being taken to task because our counselor was a “liberal” (a dirty word in M’s world) and he knew that M was a conservative! I asked him if he believed any of M’s criticisms of him. No he didn’t, but thought he was able to pick up on my faults with amazing accuracy! It was so laughable, except he wasn’t trying to be funny.

[@TruthBeTold0914]

Perfect example of why it's extremely difficult for therapists to actually diagnose NPD to someone.

[@ckp2ator389]

You have my sympathy. My husband, who I look upon as self-centered rather than being a narcissist went to see a therapist that we've shared through the years, so he knows my story. Husband went to complain about me, and how could he get me to do things. Therapist said, that's her business, now let's talk about you and what your goals are for yourself. LMAO, husband said, I'm good, we're done here.

[@nancymurphy6483]

@@ckp2ator389 He walked into one session and pulled out a list. The title in caps was CONDITIONS FOR RECONCILIATION! All things I had to do, no surprise. Stop talking about the weather, stop hogging the remote control, push the toothpaste up from the bottom, greet me when you come home. dress like a couple. (Apparently I was supposed to follow his lead.). The counselor said, “M, these are roommate issues.” “I know, but these are things Nancy has to do if we’re going to have a good marriage!” It was hopeless, and the counselor finally told me that. THANK GOODNESS!

[@denicehaley9902]

The few times I’ve been to Christian or Pastoral counseling, I was always told be more submissive, give more sex, and be quiet. NOPE! I’m not subjugated to slavery!

[@ladyalaya]

​@@denicehaley9902Church leaders always want to put in on the woman. She should just give up her identity and the marriage will be great. It's disgusting, but that is how a lot of them think. This new extreme "trad" wife movement isn't helping either.

[@Carollori]

This is my (soon to be) ex husband. Wow did I ever deceive myself about him/us. I am on the path to healing. I feel so bad for him. Thank you to all for comments and to Dr🙏🏼🙏🏼💐

[@marcellusrobinson1465]

In my narc brothers world , green means stop, red means go and yellow means speed up! I refuse to live in his world. I already live in reality

[@michellebley213]

Thank you for your video. First time watching. Shout out to Gus too. He looks like such a contented boy on the couch there. ❤😊

[@catherinegiordano4830]

I find it extraordinary that you have such a thorough understanding of how the narcissist thinks. It helps a lot to understand what's going on inside the mind of these "pitiful" people. If the narcissist in my life were not a needy 102 year old parent to my spouse who is living under our roof, I would have absolutely nothing to do with the person. I have heard so many lies told that I can't rely on the authenticity of anything that comes out of her mouth.

[@leanne123]

It's true. They deny reality if they don't like it. Lie through their teeth.

[@vladquebec]

I remember a ton of people treating others horribly and when criticized, replied "you don't know me".

[@jornfox3545]

Gus's alternate reality is todays wonderful nap.