10 Signs You May Have A Secure Attachment Style

[@sarabrowm2590]

I’m a Fearful Attachment Style whose definitely picked up and continuing to grow into a Secure Attachment Style. I create boundaries and speak up when they are crossed. I give people the benefit of the doubt in the beginning of relationships unless the patterns are consistent . I no longer make what people are going though about me. I’ve accepted recently I cannot and will no longer compromise myself in ways I don’t benefit from. I’m learning not to internalize things personally anymore. So yes I’m on my way to becoming healthy and secure.

[@linesyverinsen9215]

Well done.

[@natalya5777]

I am so happy for you!

[@PriscillaNamalwa]

You are awesome!

[@Metaphyical0samak]

I'm Grateful for this I have faith I will be on my way

[@chx7977]

Goals! Inspiring, thank you❤

[@amandawitman]

I highly recommend watching this in its entirety. I keep coming back to this over and over. Here is the 10-points list for those of us who are working to recognize secure behavior in ourselves and others. So grateful for this "map" and all of Heidi's generous work. 1. Asking for and receiving help feels very comfortable and natural for you 2. You don’t take everything personally 3. You consciously adapt your approach to different relationships 4. You prefer to approach conflict calmly and directly 5. You are comfortable in and out of relationships 6. You feel empathy without getting overwhelmed by it 7. You set personal and collaborative goals easily 8. You’re comfortable depending/relying on loved ones 9. Conflict feels uncomfortable but tolerable 10. You describe other people in a balanced way

[@CardioandChaptersSingles]

Agree! Thank you for typing out list!😀

[@Jgjules]

4/10! 😅

[@tynce563]

Fuck. Literally none of this is me. Just found out I’m anxious avoidant working with my therapist and I feel very discouraged at ever being capable of love.

[@tododia7701]

@@tynce563don’t feel discouraged, many people have overcome insecure attachment styles. It’s a journey, you could find ways to measure and feel good about your progress. Sending you love, whoever and wherever you are fellow human!

[@stinemaskine]

Thanks for typing this out! Relieved to realise, I'm further along than I thought, but also daunted at all that is still left to work on. Especially the empathy thing; I feel others way too clearly, it can be really exhausting that I don't know how to switch that off. Guess I will start looking into that now :)

[@Horizont1983]

#1: asking for and receiving help feels natural #2: you don’t take other people’s bad mood personally #3: you consciously adapt your approach to different relationships #4: you prefer to approach conflict calmly and directly #5: you’re comfortable being inside and outside a relationship #6: you feel empathy without feeling overwhelmed #7: you can set personal and collaborative goals easily #8: you are comfortable depending on loved ones #9: conflict feels uncomfortable but tolerable #10: you describe other people in a balanced way

[@brianguillen8988]

I love when people recap!!! Thank you!!

[@leanapalcic850]

Iiš😊😊​@@brianguillen8988

[@leanapalcic850]

U

[@hearstboy]

I absolutely recognize that I have an avoidant attachment style. However, thanks to this video I can see a few areas where I've grown more secure, areas where I can see myself working on now, and some blind spots that really feel uncomfortable to work on. Definitely worth rewatching in the future.

[@awesomes108]

I'm actually pretty secure!! I've always thought something was wrong with me but listening to you, I've realised that most stuff I've been criticized for as a kid(even by those """healthy"" attachment people) is normal!!!

[@felixtownn]

Same!!

[@felixtownn]

I thought not being perfect = insecure attachment style

[@temperanceplaysgenshin]

Good video. My partner and I are both secure attachment style. We've been together for 11 years now and I relate heavily to your explanations of all 10 points to a great degree. I've definitely been burned in the past. It's not my relationship right now is absolutely perfect, but it doesn't need to be. She has her life, I have mine and we have one together. I see "the relationship" as kind of its own entity that's merged with us, is a result of us being together, but also separate in the sense that she needs to have her identity and space, I need to have my identity and space and it's something we work on together and separately. I have my roles and responsibilities clearly laid out, she has hers, and we've got a routine that we have established over the years.

[@kirstinstrand6292]

Excellent. This is my goal. It's lovely to know that it's possible. Thank you for the share. ❤❤❤❤

[@justpeachy4393]

I'm sure it's a very peaceful and healthy relationship... Never experienced that myself but maybe one day (if I ever move past my current desire to stay single 😆)

[@individualadvocate6615]

Security isn’t perfection. But I didn’t realize how close I have come to earning security. I asked for this. And I didn’t understand how far I’ve come. Thank you for your work. It’s meaningful and well done.

[@saltandlight93]

Me too!!

[@AnaGfit23]

Sometimes people that haven’t met themselves this deeply will try to say you are doing the unhealthy things. But when you are secure, you can take advice as helpful feedback, but ultimately learn to listen to your own voice first and foremost.

[@monicaamaro4342]

Thank you, I'm a securely attached and it's difficult to find information about this type of attachment and especially on how we STRUGGLE when we are in a relationship with an insecurely attached partner.

[@Nategrynpas]

You ttly might be avoidant...

[@avanellehansen4525]

Yes. Setting and ENFORCING boundaries is essential to cut an umbilical cord!

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

Yea I’m securely attached. Here’s how I express my boundaries : as long as you do not deceive me or betray me , and as long as you are always honest , truthful , trustworthy , respectful , fair and just and you treat me with decency and dignity , you will always have my dedication and commitment . I am a very understanding person . I realize lots of others suffer emotionally or suffer from a broken self and I’m there to help when I can but when I see a consistency/pattern in crossing my boundaries and they don’t acknowledge it , then I move on. I always give my best but I have my limits. I live by my principles :)

[@aaeiou90]

Sign 0: you're not watching tons of videos on attachment theory.

[@Hello-Nai]

Lol yes 🤣

[@dianaschramer5065]

Not necessarily. Watching these videos helps me maintain my recovery so that I don't backslide.

[@michelleclarke8500]

Or you have children and you want to know on a psychologist point of view if you’ve raised them emotionally secure

[@meowami2374]

I’m secure and I like learning about attachment theory so I can better my emotional intelligence and support my loved ones when they are struggling with their attachment issues.

[@somabody]

😭😭

[@avanellehansen4525]

Worth listening to more than once. I've been too hard on myself. I'm actually checking boxes for secure now! If boundaries are not honored with extreme anxious style, i become exhausted, feel smothered. I can state my boundaries, but need to enforce them with cinsequences. We can't change ither people. Feeling relieved.

[@Mezza_Luca]

Thank you for also doing secure attachment. It's easy to overlook as an assumed 'known' thing.

[@CardioandChaptersSingles]

Heidi sounds like a psychologist with a masters! She's very easy to understand and straight to the point in her explanations of attachment styles in comparison to others on KZbin! Her examples are relatable and reinforces the idea she wants us to grasp! I'm so thankful for her videos! My goal is to learn/put into effect each of her videos. I'm sending her videos and recommending her to all my friends!

[@kirstinstrand6292]

Yes, I agree, but! Those with Masters and PhDs are book smart. Heidi has walked the talk! ❤❤❤

[@sirdelrio]

It's like attending a masterclass. She's a pretty amazing communicator.

[@dzi333]

Well isn't she? I'm not very good with the American terminology for science but her page says she graduated from an university with a degree in psychology.

[@bettyluvs211]

Heidi, you have such an amazing gift. The way you describe and talk about attachment styles makes sense. You are not critical or judgemental towards the styles either. You just basically say, it is what it is and this is the way to deal with it. I look forward to each of your videos and really appreciate the time and effort you put into making them. You are truly passionate about delivering this information in an easy to palate way. Thank you. ❤️

[@IAMSAINTVEGAS]

Heidi, the amount of data you can carry and work with off the cuff in real time is wild. You make these segments seem effortless. Great job! I feel more secure :)

[@zoemoonwood3061]

I had a very difficult childhood and have worked for years to heal. I have been trying to determine my attachment style for a week now and have only had fleeting recognition of some of the explanations but all from experiences that happened years ago. Nothing was resonating with my experience now. I am overjoyed to discover that I relate to literally every example you just provided. I am earned secure! Thank you!

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

Yea I’m securely attached. Here’s how I express my boundaries : as long as you do not deceive me or betray me , and as long as you are always honest , truthful , trustworthy , respectful , fair and just and you treat me with decency and dignity , you will always have my dedication and commitment . I am a very understanding person . I realize lots of others suffer emotionally or suffer from a broken self and I’m there to help when I can but when I see a consistency/pattern in crossing my boundaries and they don’t acknowledge it , then I move on. I always give my best but I have my limits. I live by my principles :)

[@hclements3884]

Thank you! I have had a more anxious attachment style and can see that I've shifted more towards secure. I realized recently that watching lots of videos about the anxious style maybe less helpful for me at this point then taking a bunch of information about what it means to be secure since that's what I'm striving to become. 😊

[@musiklyfe7683]

Thank you. These videos are very informative. I am one who is/has earned my secure attachment. And it has been very freeing. Now I am on a path to help others find this. Your videos will help me in informing those I love as well That's continue to help me on my journey to make sure I stay in my secure attached mindset. ❤

[@avanellehansen4525]

Yes. Such an informative video. I want to send it to an insecure, smothering friend, but that would be codependent of me! 😂

[@varvarasherman]

Was afraid I had an anxious attachment style before. This video proved me wrong, every sign aligned. Thank you

[@sproutingresilience4787]

These videos have helped me kinda take the final step towards having a more secure attachment style, I’ve slowly been making my way towards it over the past 5 or so years and i know i had a somewhat anxious to fearful avoidant attachment style and participated in quite a bit of limerent behavoir. And now that I’ve been able to put labels and really see what I’ve been working on and where I’m going in a well organized way that makes me feel normal and not have shame over how i have been before. I still experience some anxious and avoidant thoughts but I’ve really learned to take the time and figure out how they mesh and how to work with them to make desiscions from my wise mind!

[@danegaehart2970]

Heidi, I'm so glad you started doing more videos about secure attachment style. It shows me that I am (and have been) earning some aspects of the secure style already l, that I wasn't really aware of. Thank you!

[@suleb1]

This video helped me to realize I actually have a secure attachment style! Have to be grateful to my parents who employed emotionally conscious methods when raising me (not sure how to phrase it). Dealt with a “situation-ship” recently where I’d always initiate ‘uncomfortable’ conversations about the changing dynamic, with a fearful avoidant, who would always say “oh no they’re no issues.” But when we get into it there was actually always an issue underneath their nonchalance. Anyway, after trying to make that work with their goalposts constantly shifting, I just said time to pull back but not completely ice them out.

[@jadenc5]

Watching this and reflecting on my life and relationships i can see that i lean towards secure attachment that was earned by doing my own inner work, but i still have aspects of all of the insecure attachment styles i need to work on, when im feeling insecure about finances or having doubts in as the role of a provider, i begin to slide back into insecure attachment styles and project my needs onto people that are not capable of meeting them. Thank you heidi your work is a goldmine for self reflection and personal development.

[@kimmy225]

Wow.. I originally thought I was avoidant, because of my relationships w/ anxiously attached people, but just realized that I’m really secure. There are only certain people in my life that bring out that side of me but for the most part I do have a healthy approach with my relationships.

[@mfern45]

It feels so incredibly validating watching this. Thank you for making one for secure attachment as well. I've been married for 20 years to the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and for at least the past 15 years I've been concerned for them, as a friend because we're best friends, because I saw their avoidant style and I wanted to reach out to my friend and partner and spouse and encourage them that they could learn to approach that avoidance. I tried so hard, and for so long. It's really really validating to have this sort of confirmation that I'm not just "weird" in my neurons (at least in this regard, lol), or blinded by some trauma (in this context at least), or refusing to accept that I'm actually [insert whole list of things I'm supposedly doing wrong]. All from good and well-meaning people, mind you. Time passed and life was lived and things happened and we were in couple's therapy for several years - where I first heard about attachment theory - and they ended our relationship 3 years ago. They told me they still loved me, but they were afraid that trying to keep our relationship would cost them our friendship, so they were ending one to try to at least save the other. It's a bit of a hike, starting out in my perspective, but I can get there. And I trust them, because they only times they've ever "lied" to me is when they were dodging themselves. And three years later, they're still there, trying to make a friendship work as best they can, because they wanna keep it. :) I love 'em, and they're a fucking awesome person. I had recently gotten to the point the feelings I had for them, combined with the distance I faced due to the end of our relationship and the loneliness I've faced since then, and trying to just carry all that so we could hang out as friends sometimes, when their busy schedule allowed for it... All that. I had to tell them that we could only meet as friends if they were willing to accept that when we met - as we met and interact - that's us reconciling our partnership. We could only hang out if they'd meet me in that space. And they said ok, so we've been going from there. This video has helped me understand that I need them to work on their insecure attachments. That also frees us both from the baggage of "Reconciliation" as a concept, and all those structures around relationships. If they actually do love me, as they confront that avoidance and we hang out, reconciliation is inevitable. That's how love works. I'm confident in my ability to enjoy the process of exploring that possibility, and keeping myself safe while doing so. :)

[@robinyourpsychicgirlfriend]

I like how you describe things. I feel like I've grown into more of a secure attachment style.

[@marielynn3802]

Thank you! I've worked on so many of these, and life is beer every day for me. From Anxious to Secure. That is the attainable goal!

[@tennilledebysingh5819]

What a great video, Thank you! You have a knack for delivering information that is to understand. And thank you for making the point that securely attached people may have had difficult pasts that allowed them to develop into secure attachment. It can be learned & does not always come naturally or from a healthy past.

[@journeyofsound397]

Glad I've fallen down the rabbit hole that is this channel. Very interesting hearing about these different types of attachments so directly and easy to follow. Also, Internet creeper coming in. I find your voice and mannerisms really cute.

[@solobjones8389]

Thank you for posting about 'secure attachment style' then explaining how it compares with other attachment styles and giving specific examples. I found this very helpful.

[@sadiqua7]

Secure here! Unfortunately FA pushed me slightly anxious then avoidant. Getting back to self now. Felt out of body for a min there

[@Dr_Mochi]

Great video, it's nice to see the comparisons. I grew up fearful avoidant with cptsd and undiagnosed adhd. Went to therapy and learned how to identify emotions and talk about needs. Helped tremendously. Interpersonal stuff is pretty chill now, and more peaceful. But it is still a journey to learn not to personalize everything. Thanks for the content!

[@katev3832]

Thank you, Heidi. You explained the styles sooo well. I'm full-blown insecure attachment in recovery. I didn't notice until this video how true it is that I feel innocent in these situations. Also understand now how my avoidant partner saw things and why his responses to me were often so dismissive. So grateful to finally wake up and to be developing a secure style ❤

[@loradow5543]

Thanks so much for this. So helpful… especially in recognizing that I’m secure in many aspects, but that avoidant tendencies can pop up and I still need to work on them. Labeling myself as “avoidant” seemed accurate in the sense that I can relate to much of it, but I don’t tend to act on those initial impulses. We get stronger in the broken places I guess. (But I still need to work on asking for help)

[@heidipriebe1]

There are also subcategories to all of the styles! So my guess is that you'd fall somewhere within the spectrum of 'secure/distanced' and 'avoidant/slightly reserved' which are one 'step' away from each other on the spectrum of attachment classifications. Those aren't the official names of the categories but I *will* be covering all of the subtypes in future videos so hopefully that will help you to pinpoint yourself more precisely :)

[@amandawitman]

@@heidipriebe1 Very cool. I didn't realize there could be subcategories. Looking forward to hearing more! I was secure from the start but then developed an anxious style from later childhood trauma, reinforced in marriage with an avoidant. It's so helpful to see my "recovery" and process, and to have words to describe where I'm at. Thank you for your spot-on insights and very helpful videos.

[@takeiteasy-g3z]

Damn this visual quality is crazy!!! I'm in the process of determining my attachment style, thus these videos have been a great deal of help. Thank you.

[@TravisGoodman]

Totally agree with this! As a Licensed Therapist myself I often need to help bring education around Secure Attachment style and how we can obtain later in life even if we had one fo the Insecure in childhood!

[@n0426]

Do you think that it can also go the other way around? If someone is already securely attached can they slip into insecure attachment styles depending on the situation with someone or lifestyle changes and so on? I believe self-regulation is a life long responsibility on oneself.

[@Starfishin7]

I was anxious attachment due to emotional abuse and neglect. I came along way on my journey and managed to accept and understand my parents weren’t perfect, did their best and I’m still grateful I wasn’t put into care as that could have been much worse. I believe I’ve managed to forge myself a secure attachment but still working through some issues related to my stepmother who was by far my biggest nemesis. I’ve accepted that she projected her stuff onto me but sometimes need to remind myself of this and that my past isn’t my present and will never be my future as long as I continue to heal ❤ I feel thankful that it doesn’t cause major issues in my love life also. Great video! Thank you 😊

[@poodlelord]

It was reassuring to see a few pieces of myself in this video. Makes me feel like I have bits and pieces of security to build upon instead of starting from a place of total insecurity.

[@cruzanrose153]

Me 30 seconds in: THANK YOU!! I rarely hear anything about people with secure attachment! I just had a relationship with someone who said they had abandonment issues and I was trying to work out what went wrong after the break up and started learning more about attachment styles. I feel like I am, & test as secure, but I’m trying to learn more so I can navigate any future dating/relationships with a different level of understanding for what people may be going through.

[@johnhatch2519]

Heidi, your videos resonate too much with me! This one and the previous one about "10 Signs That You May Have An Anxiously Attached Style". Thanks to you I have done so much work on my own, and with a therapist, on figuring out how I am behaving towards others and why I am behaving that way. You rock! I will continue to follow your channel for more help and insight on attachment styles and interpersonal behavior patterns.

[@Amiraurgirl]

I’m so grateful and happy to have this be my attachment style, thank you to my parents, I will be just like them when I have children too. Being in the middle, having a balance is the route to a peaceful mind and life

[@UncertainProphet]

You will be proud of me! I overcame my avoidant attachment style and subscribed to your channel! ;) Having watched a few of your videos, I think it may be possible for me to become an "earned secure style", even though I feel quite comfortable where I am. To be the best me and achieve my dreams of having a positive impact on others, I need to learn how to easily ask for help. I love your videos... with one trivial complaint / suggestion: the circular light source that you use is reflected in the center of your eyes. You may want to experiment with different lighting. That said, you're a very lovely woman... and your videos are a service to humanity... so thanks for all you do! :)

[@Somnifluous]

Wow, I'm so glad I found your channel Heidi. Thanks for showing me I'm on the right path, healing and not nearly as avoidant as I thought myself to be. I'm really grateful for your style, your great comparisons and in depth analysis of human behavior. Thank you.

[@avanellehansen4525]

Yes. I am recognizing that setting and enforcing boundaries doesn't mean that i am avoidant.

[@n0426]

I am securely attached. Many toxic narcissists and insecure people are trying to enforce themselves on me to apologise for them by smearing and triangulation . I know it’s because they never accept reality or adult communication. So i just rise in my boundaries and leave them behind.

[@EstherChandelier-oo2su]

Ok!! This was so very Awesome to me!! Because , I was abused in my childhood and I have most definitely been the anxiously attached style, but this has given me much hope bc I know I have been on the path of overcoming! And I have learned so much in learning my own worth and forgiving others and realizing that even the most idealists are just plain people like me! Thankyou so much!!

[@sysye]

I have all signs of secure attachment. Don't know how I ended up like this but I'm so grateful 💖

[@brenicole7826]

This video was so affirming as a lifelong avoidant! I’m not 10 for 10 but 7/10 is pretty damn good if I say so myself!!! The three I’m not counting I feel have to do a lot more with my personality more than my attachment style. I’m an INFJ lol. It’s taken a lot of work and I started to feel hopeless as a lot of the online discourse on attachment theory-specifically on avoidants- feels more alienating/shaming than helpful. It feels so good to know I’ve crossed into the secure territory. It’s peaceful here❤

[@mrsherwood2599]

That's excellent. A lot of people who initially seem to present as Avoidant turn out to be dark triad, immensely personality disordered human spiders. Hence the unfair mischaracterization. No one who is actively interested in how they're showing up for themselves or other people is likely to be a sociopath or narcissist or what have you.

[@CaroleCorbeau]

I'm securely attached to my family and friends but not when it comes to romantic relationships. It's quite interesting to notice that.

[@DanielClementYoga]

I can feel myself healing listening to this, thank you.

[@funkyboodah]

this video is pretty life changing for me. I always felt incomplete without a romantic relationship, even while knowing that that kind of desperation just makes it harder to connect. But hearing that a healthy person is pretty much themselves in, and out, of a relationship is mind blowing

[@StutiMishra]

I am someone who deals with anxiety in general so I always assumed I might be a bit anxious leaning in relationships too. But I think I am mostly secure based on the information you provided.

[@wolfprud3]

Your videos are SO complete and thorough. Thank you for making them!

[@Odette-rh4iy]

This was amazingly insightful. I could relate to all of these. Over the years I have been confused as to some of the behaviors of my previous partners.Since identifying their attachment styles, I am more aware of why we differed in our approaches. I have had long term relationships with people with both anxious and disorganized attachment. And as you explained, I have made conscious efforts to adjust to their needs. However, going forward, I would prefer being with someone with secure attachment, as all of that "adjusting" can take its toll. (enfj here)

[@auntyyunike]

PHEW! So glad I stumbled on this video. I ticked all the boxes. Am secure. Thank you. Blessings ❤️

[@emmabates2284]

I found all of this very familiar, being lucky enough to walk around with a secure attachment style. For me, conflict isn't even a "necessary evil" - I think respectful, nonviolent conflict is just plain necessary. Repair is a huge part of intimacy, and you don't get that without rupture. Differences are a fact, and if there's no conflict it means either someone doesn't care or is making themselves too small - it spooks me to be in a relationship for long without any conflict. Nonviolent, respectful conflict with a lot of I statements and an upper limit of one shouting match per year, that's a "necessary good" in my view

[@jenniferlee7167]

This is the BEST explanation of the secure attachment style in relation to fear avoidants and dismissive avoidants that I have seen. It shows me that I myself have progressed and where I could be better. I am more secure now but it has taken years to get here. I still work on asking for help at times but not as much as in the past.

[@uyenst]

Thanks for this video. It gives me great hopes. I used to be very anxiously attached and enmeshed with everyone, but this video made me realize I'm ALREADY secure in my friendships right now. So I'm very confident that I can totally learn and adjust my way to being secure in romantic relationships as well, which is the bane of my existence as friendships used to be

[@24victoryJC]

The reason I would like to hear as much as possible about the secure attachment style is because I am a fearful avoidant seeking to move toward earned secure. I am seeing a great Therapist 2 x per month because that’s what I can afford. So learning on-line about how to get healthy and closer to earned secure truly is a life saver. Hearing as much as possible about secure helps me have a target to shoot for. Thank you so much .

[@_HeARTSconnection]

Thanks for sharing another excellent video. I've started to notice that I'm seeing people in a more nuanced way. I'm also handling conflict better. There's more work to do but I'm on my way to being securely attached! 😆

[@TheOlfactory]

Thanks. Broke up with a very DA, which made me feel anxious. I was concerned I was an AP, but after watching a few vids about APs and this one, Im glad to know I am mostly secure. Thanks!

[@jibraeelkhandurrani1237]

Wow. You speak so well and authentic. I'm new to this channel and have gone through some other channels dealing with attachment styles. I must say this video resonated so much. Thanks for this awesome video. Much love!

[@JenGrice]

This is a great video, thanks for sharing. I feel secure alone and in a relationship EXCEPT I keep meeting Avoidant men. At first I am able to be assertive and state my needs but as time wears on, not only do they seem to do the opposite of what I need (making me sorry I told them in the first place) but I also start to feel fear in sharing anything I’m going through or what I need. It’s like their passivity makes me more passive; I start to lose myself in the relationship. That’s when I end it. I wish more people would work on themselves. I hate that I tend to be pulled backwards in my healing journey around people who refuse to work on their healing!!! 💜

[@s.mohsenmousavi2541]

This was the most useful video I've watched about attachment styles and now I realize that secure attached people don't have horns and tails, they are just the normal people with more flexibility when they are dealing with their issues with their partners..

[@quathetruth8314]

This needs to be taught in schools! Any advice on how I can raise my children to have a better shot at being a secure attachment?

[@wingyichan7063]

Thank you for making one about thr secure attachment style!! Have been thinking I relate to this type the most but there aren’t really much videos on this.

[@peaceinapod1]

Heidi this is soooo goooood. Definitely rewatching this on regular basis. Grateful that I can learn all these skills from someone!

[@lgroves336]

Heidi, great job covering this subject matter....

[@jackdavies5483]

I find this amazing. So many people focus on the insecurity of others in their attachment, but then probably don't talk about secure because, well, secure is secure. Far easier to talk about what people struggle with than where they should aim to be, plus, I guess it's far more interesting to talk about what insecurities and their negatives than to speak about a positive norm. However, this is how I learn from myself better. For me my insecurities are the norm. I learn better when someone is voicing what I should strive for rather than talk about who I shouldn't be. Sometimes I don't know how to become better, I need to know what better looks like for me to evolve.

[@life_aftersobriety]

Choosing partners who ALIGN 100% with your values could be an anxious and avoidant way of picking a partner. I think we have to discuss what our priorities and our values are annually and learn how to be in relation with others while in relation to ourselves. We don't have to have the same values. One partner could value spending more time with family, while the other values spending more time creating alone. Being mindful of what fills the others cup, ie. (Love Language). We can also think we have the same values and priorities (FOREVER). Assuming someone should align with your values 100% is unrealistic, communicate each individuals values and priorities in life ANNUALLY because they change as we grow. I am in a relationship with an avoidant, I lean more on the anxious side. Communicating needs and values that have changed has been our biggest struggles but leaning in and learning why things change is important too.

[@lilynote2016]

I definitely love this but also feel like the timing for ‘being away from someone’ definitely shouldn’t be a week, but I know it depends on the person. I just know a lot of people who would be hurt by that or would pull away too. Depends on the person but worth saying. I appreciated how in depth this sounded though thank you!

[@julielacaze3253]

Heidi, seriously, I really enjoy your videos! You seem like such a cool and fun person

[@WalkScripture]

I'm so thankful for videos like this as I work through my healing. You reach a realization that you don't really know HOW to function as a healthy person

[@Discrete1998]

Watching this is so affirming! I just got ghosted by someone I now realize was likely F.A. I am still anxiously attached but watching this I realize that I’ve come SO far in how I behave in relationships.

[@gbltzr]

As much as I tried to not think of it in relation to work, becoming more aware of my attachment style helped me manage my expectations with my (secure, showing signs of avoidant)director at work. Working closely with someone professionally can parallel a romantic or close friend relationship. I never paid attention to this at previous jobs because I intentionally didn’t want to get attached to coworkers. But it was different when I landed my dream job because for the first time, I cared. And boy, as an anxious-avoidant, this was a ride.

[@DavidJackson-r5c]

Helpful content.. especially when your looking forward to a relationship in the future. Good healthy attachments to make it last and to be proud of..thank you

[@johnanderson7508]

I just got out of a 4 year relationship with someone who I see now was very anxiously attached. When we first started dating I was very much in a secure attachment place after having worked on myself for a year following a previous relationship where I was the anxiously attached one. After 2 years things started to go downhill and I shifted into anxious and avoidant tendencies and in the end broke off this relationship due to the stress. This video of what secure attachment is gives me huge hope for how I can become that again and what to look for in future relationships. I have watched her other attachment style videos and learned about John Gottman’s 4 horsemen of a relationship and this combo gives me so much hope for better relationships moving forward. I now know what is healthy and what to avoid.

[@chynnhowe]

I’m actually surprised at how many of these I can say yes to! I feel like maybe I’ve made more progress than I thought!

[@creatingdiane]

I appreciate this video - noticing where I have grown over the years and what I still need to learn :) ❤ Thanks

[@abstractvlog]

Your channel has been really life changing for me. Thank you ❤

[@claudiafegari5116]

Thank you for addressing the secure attachment style. Sometimes, I do think they are "put aside"... 🙂

[@dustinquinton]

Omg! I’m fearful avoidant and secure, with some anxious attachment. Im all screwed up! lol.

[@anneliesewright662]

Hahaha! I like your honesty!

[@oliverrojas3185]

Amazing, cannot believe how much quantity and quality information was expressed in such conscise terms. Each word played off the other and the precision of the message expressed cut through a plate of steel. In my case, this information is pertinant to implementing policy dependent upon other people's assistance. It can help provide guidance to noticing emotionally triggers, determining when to step back or utilize a different approach.

[@justbncece]

I’ve been working rly hard to re wire my subconscious fearful avoidant attachment style. So I clicked on this video thinking I was bout hear all the ways I’m now securely attached. Then sign #1 was “feels comfortable asking for help and accepting help” and I was like oop maybe not💀 That’s definitely something I still struggle with. But as the video went on I was able to identify some ways that I have learned to become more securely attached. I feel proud of myself for how far I’ve come. And I rly appreciate this video for serving as a reminder that there are some things I still need to work on but ik im on the right track

[@hjay26]

Watching this makes me think I'm on the road to a secure attachment but am not there yet fully. I have developed a lot of these characteristics with most people, but I still get triggered sometimes and go back... Or if someone close has an insecure attachment sometimes I go backwards a little.

[@SallyTadmor]

Love your content so much. I think it would be helpful to end videos with a short summary. It'll help nail things into memory. Thanks again.

[@temporalnature9704]

I got a bit of both going on, one from each parent, and seeing how obvious it is to me now is painful because im realizing just how fucked my life has been… thank you! This helps set me on the right track as i continue my journey of securing a healthy relationship with my self, then in effect, reality

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

Yea I’m securely attached. Here’s how I express my boundaries : as long as you do not deceive me or betray me , and as long as you are always honest , truthful , trustworthy , respectful , fair and just and you treat me with decency and dignity , you will always have my dedication and commitment . I am a very understanding person . I realize lots of others suffer emotionally or suffer from a broken self and I’m there to help (empathetic and caring) when I can but when I see a consistency/pattern in crossing my boundaries and they don’t acknowledge it , then I move on. I always give my best but I have my limits. I live by my principles :)

[@nadiaivanova4082]

Are you? If so, why post your comment 3 times? No judgement, just holding up a mirror.

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

@ yes . I try to help people with insight . My background is in psychology and philosophy. Buddhism insight and wisdom play a major role as well, altho I’m not Buddhist. Posted 3 times ? And if you’re not judging why write about it ? :/ you are judging. Otherwise you wouldn’t have said what you said . Be honest and truthful about it , at least inside your own head :) I get it.

[@ruthie_chie]

A well made video with good information thank you. In the end, all added up to such a depressing video for me personally.

[@JoePAcalaughs]

Keep shining your light ✨️

[@wolfcruise]

These videos are amazing - I love how you discuss it. I do find that i was looking for a deep dive into JUST secure style in this video, but you are auto programed to discuss each of the 4 styles each time ! ha ha! the comparisons are great, but I came to this video hoping to see and hear all the secure traits so I could align and know that yep this is me ! :-) thanks Heidi !

[@christinajackson3461]

Holy healing powers, Batman! This section on Comfort was a HUGE eye-opener for me as someone with a few (or a lot) of Fearful Avoidant and Anxious traits.

[@ruthie_chie]

I have watched the anxious attachment style video and confirmed that I’m the anxious attachment. then watched this, video and only confirmed more that I’m anxious attachment style. It’s weird, after watching the first video I wanted to get better. And stop being less anxious. But after hearing full details about secure attachment I don’t really want to anymore. In many ways secure attachment sounds good and many ways it sounds hell. I’m with a guy.. he says we’re “talking” feels more like a “situationship” to me. He thinks he has the secure attachment (he hasn’t seen any videos yet). My experience has been he has the avoidant attachment style. From the sound of it only people with secure attachment styles have long relationships. From the sounds of it anxious attachment can be sustained by fantasies. Maybe that’s my best hope, seriously.

[@JoePAcalaughs]

I would say depends on the time frame you've been seeing each other. Secures and avoidants are both great with setting and honoring their boundaries typically. The difference is in the level of healthy communication. Avoidant attachment folks may not communicate the boundaries as well before acting on them. An avoidant attached will not progress the relationship much on their own in most cases. So, a situationship may remain just that, unless it's a securely attached person making it clear from the jump that's all they want. A securely attached will usually continue in a growth pattern if they're interested, or communicate and cut things off if not for them. Anxious attached can absolutely have long term relationships, especially if they continue to temper their emotions and reactions while communicating well with a partner who is willing to understand and work in the relationship. Anxious attachment means deeper empathy and wanting connection in many cases, so don't lose that quality that's needed in today's world on your journey 😊.

[@lindadunn8787]

Where the rubber meets the road...good stuff here. Thank you.

[@NaturallyWit]

Thank you! I agree this attachment style isn't really talked about 🤧 i identify more with this style. So thank you again! Edit: also, what you're saying about conflict at the end is like the reason why I was always such a good mediator with my parents when having disagreements 😅 that and the fact that I'm a parentified child. My mom is insecure anxious/preoccupied, and my dad is fearful avoidant. I'm proud of both of them for raising me to be a securely attached person 😅.... Bravo to them 👏🏾

[@rpaafourever7908]

Not saying it’s your experience, but I thought I’m fully secure as well but as time went on, I realised I’m probably a mix of SA/FA leaning AA. It’s just that my hopeful nature and inner spirit made me feel like I might be secure because I did/do want to be. It’s a whole spectrum.. if someone was parentified as a child (as I was) with insecurely attached parents, then the chances of them being continuous secure (vs earned) is low. I did conflict resolution too but it was more for my safety albeit it came from a subconscious place at the time. Good thing is we can change our attachment style if we work at it. Personal Development School by Thais Gibson is a great resource.

[@massis9069]

Props to your parents for doing their part in breaking the cycle.

[@angellombness4371]

Wow, amazing to know that's possible. Parentified child - ooo, right! There's a group of us out there.... I was not securely attached though, I had to learn.

[@angellombness4371]

@@rpaafourever7908 do you know ur primary cognitive functions? Just interested with the way you had described yourself. Wondering if that's Se or a feeling function.

[@rpaafourever7908]

@@angellombness4371 FiNe.. I'm INFP. I'm 4w3 ennea tritype 468, I don't relate to the dreamy uwu stereotype :)

[@corencaldwell9901]

I think I had an anxious or possibly fearful avoidant attachment style but I seem to have, without even knowing what attachment styles were, managed to get to a place where I'm mostly secure. I've done a lot of work on my personal healing in past years. There are still plenty of things that still need work and I do sometimes still struggle but I'm getting there.

[@Xenia-E-Zilli]

Securely attached now, finding relating to fearful avoidant very difficult. However, I am drawn to them as I have been one in the past.

[@americanexpat8792]

Good job, Heidi! I was fortunate since my family life was excellent. My mother was truly the loving, balanced caregiver. So, I can relate to all you said. I'm secure. I feel sorry for the other styles. Life for them must be challenging.

[@InnerShiftAffirmations]

Thank you for sharing this lovely video 💜

[@thegreatpotato6098]

Securely attached people are kinda intimidating ngl 😂

[@petel3366]

Until 12 years ago I was securely attached but a personal event had such an severe impact on me that changed my attachment style - which, until now, I had never really gotten an understanding of. These videos are pretty remarkable. Basically shit happens. Accept that 1) you can try to approach it 2) you can only control certain aspects of any remedial actions 3) you can’t make people feel what you feel but you can tell them what you feel

[@amanifestasticlife842]

I wish there were more videos about secure attachment style. More about what they do and how they think etc.