Fearful-Avoidant: The Blindspot That Keeps You Repeating The Same Relationship Mistakes

[@ComedyTherapyYT]

Wow..."the end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." I'm a therapist and that blew my mind.

[@patriot-hj5vx]

In what ways are you a different person in different settings?

[@melissataylor7063]

Sounds logical and basic, how did I over look the work it would take to change for 30 years. Kind of knew this but nothing ever changed bc of the lack of knowledge the work was essential. Thank you so much for this - I believe it will change people’s lives for sure if they dedicate the time into making the honest changes ❤😊

[@user-rs1wc9qs3n]

😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊p😊😊

[@samanthaannfuchsgruber]

"The end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." Heidi never misses, like what an absolute game-changer. 😭 I've actually been doing this for months without even realizing I had an FA attachment. Like I've actually been saying to myself, "Am I the same around most people, including the intimate partner that I really love?" ... and yes I am! In the past, I used to change myself so outwardly and become what men wanted. My behavior was so different around a man that I was interested in... and it ended up leading to some really hard experiences. My performance and subconscious approval-seeking never got me love. But now, watching these videos WITH knowing my attachment style has made me see the world in yet another new color! 🥰 I feel so FREE!! And, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a partner who fosters true love with me!!! It is not perfect, and that is okay.💖 Life is perfectly imperfect, and experiencing honest romantic love for the first time in my life is honestly like heaven.💖

[@kinseydesignsbrands]

@@patriot-hj5vx it’s like being a social chameleon- depending who’s around, how they’re feeling, what they like, the overall vibe, etc- you morph into a version of yourself that is “acceptable” to that person or people around. While there could be aspects of an authentic self, there’s still a different mask that’s put on that ensures that there’s some degree of social harmony, however, you end up hiding and concealing parts of the self that actually create intimate connection, because it’s the vulnerability that forms depth in a relationship. So the chameleon may work to please people, but it results in superficial relationships and a deep unfulfilled desire to be known and belong as our true self.

[@lauraschleifer4721]

Hmmm, really interesting. I feel like I have huge issues in both directions of this spectrum, because I tend to come off as BOTH intellectual/analytical/hyper-independent AND overly giving/selfless/doormat-ish in my daily life. The thought of coming off as either needy OR selfish makes me break out in hives. I'm sure I must not be the only fearful avoidant who experiences this sort of paradoxical identity simultaneously.

[@Jazzonyt]

I am the same, there's no in between for me

[@vemrith]

Yaas! ⚖️

[@shinebabyshine.]

Yep, same. And I literally feel like throwing up at the thought of being needy or too emotionally cold

[@2012Scholar]

Same

[@KS-jj4ob]

Samesies

[@thesmalltowndreamer]

I think in my relationship (romantic) I come off more avoidant but in my head I am incredibly anxious. In confrontation I feel like both sides are battling eachother and in turn I become SILENT. My brain is doing a million things and nothing at the same time. It takes me forever to create and say a thought and I always end up getting emotional, something i really hate. In friendships, I am very avoidant and emotionally detached. I care and want to be there for them but never give them the opportunity to do the same for me. In turn I dont have the deep connections with my friends that I desire and have very very few friends. This has been a lifelong struggle and i have always felt like a walking contradiction and recently it has really taken a toll on my self image and mental health. Thank you thank you THANK YOU for breaking this down for me and giving me hope that I can break this cycle for myself

[@Ssssssmmmmmmmmm]

You described me to a T.😢

[@TammyBates-nv2qw]

I can completely relate with 'my brain is doing a million things, and nothing at the same time.'

[@extrapolate]

Holy shit, how did you describe me so accurately

[@TheTippitoe]

Perfectly said… this is exactly how I feel

[@consejero86]

I so relate to this!

[@mASTERtOMMYg]

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter- they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” ― Sylvia Plath

[@mrs.antihero]

Thank you for sharing this.

[@c.kainoabugado7935]

Dang. I better practice! Lucky I'm learnable😊

[@marekin8024]

I am so shocked at how detailed you are about the thought process. This entire time I thought I was anxious but it did not sit well with me because I can be cold and avoidant at times too. It's like you said... the moment my anxious side gets triggered, I am hyper aware of how embarrassing it is and how it makes me feel, that I am losing myself. I also avoid confrontation because I feel personally attacked and I will shut down and avoid you for weeks yet I desperately want to talk. I feel trapped in my mind because I am super aware of myself and don't want to come off being toxic. It's like I want to talk about feelings and emotions but I also don't want to talk about feelings and emotions. What is wrong with me?😭 Also, i have a tendency of asking my partner if I'm being too needy or clingy, just to check if I'm still good. Gotta supress that lil psycho😂

[@haruka5167]

I completely understand and relate to you. I am the same Im afriad of relying on people too much with talking about my feelings ir problems so i just usually dont. but everything I took from this video is its all steps, being a little vulnerable or emotional and open to people you trust everyday will go such a long day and your emotions and that clingyness wont be like all or nothing just more consistent ig and healthy, i hoped this helped. i just related to what you said and wanted to say what things I realized about myself and steps I am now taking, regardless I wish you luck on your journey to understanding yourself better 🫶🤍

[@Scarage21]

Heidi, I hope you're reading this. I've spent two decades wondering what was wrong with me. I've already spent years learning all about self help and meditation, etc. But it was your channel which finally gave me my answers. Within only about 4 months now I've managed to finally open up to people and proudly present myself as the helpless, vulnerable mess that I am. And not a single person of the 1-2 dozen people I talked to did not show support and understanding. You've finally made me able to see the world as a kind place. I even managed to make up with my family and get an understanding from them that I never thought was possible. Thank you so much for everything

[@GSXR750wx]

That is so true. Learning about Attachment Style Theory taught me so much about my insecure attachment. I told the woman I had loved secretly for 5 years about my feelings for her, looked her in the eye and said the most beautiful/ dreadful three words. Can't forget the sound of her breathing when I said that, as if I had emptied a bucket of cold water on her head. I felt so light. In our previous meeting I had told her how I felt it hard to breathe in her absence. I told her that I was insecure. It was like a huge, long white snake-like monster that had lived in me all my life, I pushed it out in one moment. That was last year. The woman is fearful avoidant so it is all on and off but I have no regrets. I have done my best without making use of "the game". Such a beautiful thing happened and with the right person it could have been so amazing.

[@themacocko6311]

That must be nice lol

[@jencrews]

I’m so happy that you were able to see yourself more clearly. And I promise you, you’re not a mess! I also found that learning about attachment styles last year had a similar effect on me. I was using a fearful avoidant coping mechanism and understanding that was earth shattering in the best possible way. While I wish I had discovered it before I was 53. I’m glad I figured it out at all because my life is getting better by the day. And now I understand why relationships were so confusing to me!

[@melissasmuse]

❤

[@hanbunz]

This gives me hope, thank you

[@LauraLibiete]

I don’t even know. I feel anxious, but act avoidant. It’s so hard to take the mask off. The anxiety while being in a relationship is always growing til it bursts into major drama and extreme pain. Speaking openly about emotions feels so frightening, but I’m trying. Thanks for your content! It helps a lot 🫶

[@Sariimura]

Hi! Have you read about disorganized attachment? Reading about it has helped me.

[@MaryamPirzada]

This is exactly how I feel !!! I’m extremely anxious but you would never be able to tell. It comes off as an extreme avoidant. Is that what being disorganized means?

[@giacintaah]

me 100%. externally i will come off avoidant but on the inside, i feel like a full flown true anxious attacher. when i sense a pull back, ill come closer just 1 more time, then once i sense rejection i am gone- but internally all i want to do is reach out as much as someone anxiously will.

[@_ZiXin_]

@@Sariimura whats the difference between disorganised and fear-avoidant. seems to me they both seek closeness but act aloof as a way of self-protection?

[@Sariimura]

@@_ZiXin_ Good question! I am no expert, but I believe those two concepts to be referring to the same attachment style (one in reference to childhood, the latter to adulthood). I might be wrong, but my understanding is that the term Disorganized Attachment is often used for children and in adulthood it can lead to the adult having Fearful-Avoidant attachment style. From the literature we can extract that people with this kind of insecure attachment display contradictory behaviors and tend to feel they don't deserve love or closeness in a relationship. On a side note, this is different from Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment style.

[@Isaac-xp4yd]

I read this line from somewhere and I think it perfectly sums up the dichotomoy of my experience as an avoidant-leaning FA. Something along the lines of "One of our greatest fears, but is also our deepest desire, is to be seen and known for who we truly are"

[@bm5_5_5]

Relate so much to this!

[@saraiacosta6608]

Wow your ability to articulate this human experience is insane

[@nicolewaltemate3425]

This is so me to a tee. I pride myself on being super rational outside of relationships and a huge fear of people seeing me as unstable. The moment I get into a romantic relationships I become super anxious and reactive and go into a shame spiral of there is something wrong with me. It is super dysregulating and confusing. I always thought of myself as more anxious but after hearing this video I realize I am actually more avoidant in life but my anxious side becomes activated in relationships. So insightful thank you❤❤

[@xTenshiAi]

I'm exactly like this too but I never really realised

[@christianyaerger1751]

This sounds a lot like me: after the honeymoon phase fades, I start considering myself "Not Enough" for my partner and start my own shame spiral. So I become avoidant for fear of becoming too clingy or needing support (being a guy, I have it on my head - valid or not - that women don't want to be with a man who might need emotional support), and wind up creating too much distance. I mean, I know, ultimately, that I need my OWN approval. To ingrain in myself that I'm enough to MYSELF. But that kinda leads me down an avoidant path of counter-dependence, and I don't want that for myself or my partner. :/ And I think I've recently gained an avoidance to romantic relationships in general. I'm tired of my own cycles, yes. But I'm even more fearful of hurting people I love. :(

[@thesmalltowndreamer]

​@@christianyaerger1751 i felt this SO SO much! Feels good to not feel alone and crazy. Letting our Egos go is gonna be HARD but breaking the cycle i think will be worth it

[@こなた-m1o]

yeah!!! i’m avoidant in friendships but anxious in romantic relationships… i wonder how that works

[@kattymatty413]

That’s so true; I went into this video thinking I leaned avoidant but now I see it’s the avoidance I take as the problematic part of me that comes out in relationships and that I naturally lead with the anxious part of me, tending to over-romanticize and get a little lost in my rose-tinted view of it all.

[@kaylamugwara7411]

The fact that this is a longer video than the other 2 attachment styles 😆, what fun it is to be a fearful avoidant 🤪🤪

[@MyEnemy]

It's the absolute bee's knees. 🥴

[@nahhbia]

Yesss so much fun😛🤕😬

[@JeremyForTheWin]

technically shouldn't it be double? ;)

[@honeymoney23]

‼️🙃🫠

[@Terry-ye3gp]

​@@JeremyForTheWin😂 that is so shit funny!

[@scrunt62]

you called me out on feeling like i "lost myself." my anxious side coming out screaming was an utterly humiliating and defeating experience for me. since then, i feel like i'm a guilty dog sulking away with my tail between my legs, confused about who i am lol. "learning to be the same person everywhere you go" is such a solid goal. you made my current drama make so much sense to me in just 29 minutes. also, loved the rule about having five friends you have emotional connections with, it's a great idea.

[@thegreatpotato6098]

It's certainly an idea but 5 serious friends is an extremely tall order ngl

[@HammzRadio]

Holy shit. I’m realizing I lean avoidant, but am triggered into that heightened state when in a relationship. I never understood the drastic flip in my behavior when I got into a relationship. I stayed single because I hated the way I was when I would date. I was “never myself”

[@zeldomaine]

FR

[@en0ia]

nicely put can relate

[@danegaehart2970]

I relate to this so much.

[@MrsRobinson398]

Same!!

[@kantui525]

well this actually cleared up which way I lean. I did the exact same for most of my young adulthood. I hated how needy I was and I hated how preoccupied I became about crushes. My instinct was to be mean and push them away. And honestly, the partner I chose is one where I am the one managing his emotions and suppressing my own (and of course, resenting him for it). When I get triggered, I feel neglected and like I will never be able to truly connect with him, but then that makes me want to run away again.

[@malcolm_ben8]

I have watched a lot of these types of videos because I currently have a girlfriend who is struggling with this. Your video is one of the best I've seen that gets the point across effectively and also makes them accountable. Hopefully, she will take some things on board and learn how to help herself.

[@TheCookieMonsterr22]

This is super eye opening- thank you. I realise that with my family, I adopt one identity which is more aloof. They perceive me as emotionless and closed off, because I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable around them. With my friends, I am significantly more warm and open, perhaps even a little needy at times. I guess these are both 'me', but I struggle to integrate both parts and feel whole

[@Risa-tz9nx]

This comes as a huge shock to me --- so SPOT ON. I felt I completely lost myself in my last relationship bc I was constantly leaning toward the anxious attachment style, which did not come out at all before. I was so confused while at the same time deeply ashamed of being needy and emotional to a level that I could not regulate myself. While after I started to learn about anxious attachment style and thought that was the whole me, it wasn't. I sometimes still feel uncomfortable with intimacy with someone I like and want to escape. It's like the constant two sides are running inside my body.

[@agrav2474]

You are so good at explaining attachment styles, in a non judgmental way.

[@TheDudeIsChi]

This will probably get lost in all the other comments but I just want to thank you for making this video. I've never felt so seen and had so many of my own personal patterns laid out so succinctly. So many lines jumped out at me and I found myself shaking my head at how specific and correct they were. Losing myself in relationships, the switch flipping and swinging from one extreme to the other, feeling shame about one side or the other, feeling that my partners might describe me differently than my friends...so many moments in here that touched me deeply. You've helped me understand the importance of intentionally maintaining both sides, logical and emotional, as a daily practice in order to have a healthier relationship with myself and the people around me, with openness and vulnerability, and without shame.

[@xiucutephomaique7330]

😊😊

[@danielle4873]

I am FA, but at this point I only choose emotionally unavailable partners (unconsciously) so only my anxious side is triggered in intimate relationships . My avoidant side is triggered in friendships though where there is no panic about them leaving or rejecting me. Anyone else experience this?

[@samguyindula2983]

That's so me. I even though I was anxious but I was confused when I acted avoidant in other aspects of my life

[@melissasmuse]

💯 percent me!

[@JoyNelson-k1y]

I have FA but am anxious too. My long term relationship triggers the FA but prior I was always anxious. I have ptsd/bpd too.

[@kiacarter93]

This is me 😩😂

[@Kay-zv3mk]

Yep this is me too

[@marohadd]

The way fearful avoidance show in my life is that as soon as i start getting attached and really liking someone my immediate response is to cut them off, I somehow start believing fully that they aren't really interested, noticing all the small insignificant mistakes and just really wanting to detach. So I've been trying my best to wait it out and make more rational decisions, trying to be more okay with loving and being loved

[@aprilpeach1615]

I have CPTSD/complex trauma and have been participating in parts therapy. The idea that after trauma we split into multiple parts to protect ourselves, they often have a dominant fight/flight/freeze response to being triggered and pop up to protect me. But I've recently learnt that each part can have it's own attachment style. So I can fully relate to both the intellectual being shameful of the emotional side and the emotional side being shamed of not always being the nicest person. This idea of multiple parts/splitting is present with other trauma based conditions such as DiD, BPD etc. Thought I'd share as there were a lot of comments of people saying they lent both ways, when actually they could also be fragmented/have multiple parts that all have their own attachment style ❤

[@lilymulligan8180]

Prior to TODAY, I always thought I was just anxious. I spent my entire 20s in three back-to-back long term relationships, so I spent pretty much a full decade in anxious mode - especially with my first and third partners, who were avoidant. I'm now 3 years single, and find myself saying things like: - what even is the point of a romantic relationship? They make no sense, and they only add chaos to my life. They're not worth the trouble. - I hate who I am when I'm in relationships, so it's best to stay single. - I can't date right now because [xyz arbitrary reason]. I also tend to respond to stressful things with avoidance in almost every other area of life. Stressful work email? I'll read it later. Big paper to write? Later. Big goals to achieve? Self-sabotage, give up, change my mind. Anything that could potentially make me feel like a failure or a bad person? Avoid, avoid, avoid. This video is making me rethink some things...! It's interesting because I actually pride myself much more on my emotional intelligence than my logic and intellect... I wouldn't even say I really identify with the "logical" label, although I'm now realizing that this may be because logic/analysis/intellect is so baked into my everyday experience that I don't even notice it. I always did well in school, especially with things like proofs and analytical essays. I will also say, I tend to live inside my head. I absolutely intellectualize my feelings, and have to remind myself to actually let myself FEEL them too. Perhaps I identify more with my emotional side now because, being in relationships for so long, I was FORCED to confront and tame that side of me. Lots of therapy. Just so much therapy. Lol

[@ijustneedmyself]

I hear you. I don't even feel my feelings. My therapist has asked me where I feel certain emotions and I honestly can't say maybe 90% of the time 😅

[@realBeltalowda]

I feel like I finally have the final piece to the puzzle and can now see the elephant in the room of my life. Thank you, Heidi!

[@Jazzonyt]

My biggest concern is that i can't really stop romanticizing dysfunction. as stupid as it may sound but i often feel kinda "unique" being this way. it's almost like finding my identity in this chaos. Also it helps me being more creative. I only feel like creating art and appreciate art when i am struggling. but i can't deny the fact that this constant push-and-pull, paranoia, overthinking is hella draining. It requires a lot of bravery to let go of all of this.

[@djhardcorehengst6356]

In the end you're more creative if you're healthy

[@Jazzonyt]

@@djhardcorehengst6356 proof?

[@leannehollingshurst2489]

I definitely feel more creative when I am feeling more balanced. When I am in activating mode I feel strongly like I WANT to create but the ideas just don't come and I get frustrated or whatever I do its not good enough in my mind. When I'm more balanced I can get into something easily and it's more about the process than the end result, but I'm often more accepting of and pleased with the end result when I feel more balanced.

[@Werksonek]

For me it's the polar opposite. Dysfunctional relationships bring chaos to my life. It results in repressed pain, grief, then hopelessness and finally I'm back to depression. Unable to do anything, powerless, let alone anything creative. While I grow older I crave stability more and more and that kind of relationship mess is only less appealing to me. I'm quicker to call it off than I was ever before, I believe.

[@tabbycat2944]

I feel the same way, I fear that healing will make me an evil, cold, uncaring person and I'll become like all the people who hurt me and I won't be able to relate to people like us, It scares me because I don't know if I can really believe people are trustworthy or are not trying to manipulate or put up a facade in this day and age.

[@boryspikalov6360]

I always believe myself to be anxious, but this video made me realize I might have been fearful-avoidant all along, actually swinging between the extremes. I’ve actually been more avoidant before, but became deeply anxious when started getting into relationships.

[@nomessnostress]

Same

[@taylorsmith4128]

Your videos are a game-changer for me. I always thought I lost myself in relationships, turns out I just triggered my normally-hidden avoidant side.

[@rewtho8113]

for a long time i saw myself as a divided person. i seemed to go back and forth between being fearful/over-analytical and then at other times sad apathetic and lonely. i had to see that my fear was there because i was afraid of disappointing people, and the sadness was there because i wanted other people's love. i then realized that these were not actually two states because they both were trying to get the same thing, other people's love. after realizing that, i felt unified and calmer within myself. i saw that even though i have emotions like fear or sadness sometimes, this does not mean i am a divided person, it just means i am experiencing different emotions. the division was only a belief in my mind. before this i had been getting in touch with my sadness quite a bit as well and not running away from it, that may have played a part as well.

[@miaduana]

Beautiful

[@cocopla]

I am so heartbroken since two weeks ago and I started watching your videos one day after I found out that the „man of my dreams“ is in an relationship. I am so desperately hurt and feel so deceived but listening to you keeps my head up or even can get me sleep when i cannot phantasy about him anymore. I am very greatful for your magnificent videos with the smiley voice that gives me hope to become a happy person one day (also in a relationship)

[@SS-in1ts]

5 close friends?? That’s ALOT in adulthood!! I hope you achieve that goal❤

[@vc6103]

ikr...

[@shelbymachado8712]

I'm just now realizing as I explore multiple of these videos, that because they specifically explore from a romantic-relationship place that I was missing acknowledging a point where I do the "I've lost myself" thing. Because I don't do it in romantic relationships, but I absolutely do it with masking at work. That's an eye opener. It also makes me consider how that's how I feel when I have to spend time with my family and it made me connect that I'm much more avoidant with my mom and much more anxious with my dad.

[@bradtoews3616]

Wow, that was an incredible video. Thanks for sharing your wisdom, I have lots to chew on. While it confronts the parts of me that are difficult to accept and love, I also feel energized to keep doing this vital work. Thanks so much!!

[@kaylam188]

Im a FA who's been blessed to learn about attachment at the young age of 19/20. I've been in relationships where I was consciously aware of my attachment and actively tried to communicate, hold space, be intentional, etc but at the end of the day my partners were very controlling, emotionally abusive, and manipulative, etc. I tried to tell them about what I was going through/how we needed to integrate awareness of attachment in our relationship and they couldn't seem to understand the weight of how important attachment theory is or the emotional roller coaster/painful experience I was going through. Could you do a video on how to make potential partners aware of attachment and its importance while dating? I also think CPTSD/hypervigilance/people pleasing significantly affect how FAs experience relationships and would love to see a video on that. As a fearful avoidant who struggles w these as well growing up in a dysfunctional home with narcissistic abuse I often dont see myself in your descriptions of FA behavioral patterns even though I know for a fact Im an FA, and Im assuming ptsd/hypervigilance/etc are the reason why my experience is different.

[@owl5UY]

You might like to read the book ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - in it there are lots of suggestions about how to navigate dating situations

[@esmeraldalagzdina1081]

i believe a good partner would be open to trying to understand what you think is important with no hesitation!

[@kaylam188]

thank you ☺@@Protegida4

[@lorebrownlea]

I have similar experience. It felt like no amount of sharing my experience or looking for understanding in the need for security/ or space with partners made it easier. Looking back tho I was often just ending yet another relationship and missing my beloved freedom. And then being confused or even angry at them when they were trying to hold on to me. 😢 My cptsd/lack of real boundaries and self esteem were undeniable additional complications…. In any case I thank Heidi profusely for her contribution to my healing and growth. Blessings to the path fellow voyagers.

[@KimberleyJP]

Once again, absolute GOLD Heidi! Thank you sooo much. I'd thought I was anxious for years and then I realised I was fearful avoidant leaning anxious.... But this video has made me see I actually lean avoidant and then get anxious once in relationship and try and repress that side... Instead of thinking amd believing I was very sensitive and overly emotional, I can now see I've actually been leaking this out, which is then misunderstood by those around me..! This has been so super helpful in helping me see how I need to integrate that side of me instead of neglecting it and self judging my emotional side. You've turned on its head how I see myself today! Thank you soo very much ❤🎉🙏

[@chilloften]

I need more details, please.

[@ElitsaIskrenova]

Thank you for this video! You’re opening my eyes to all of these experiences I went through. I’m working on bettering myself and becoming a secure person for the sake of my relationship and for my own sake. I don’t want to hurt the people that love me ever again.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I used to congratulate myself on being a chameleon. Took me to about 45 to realise, hang on, that's *not* a good thing. I'm 52 now. I have made a lot of progress in the last 5 years, it's easy for me to be a consistent version of myself no matter who I'm with now, although, other people can 'welcome' a side of you and you relax into it, but I feel it's always authentic now. I am so in awe of younger people who figure all of this stuff out in their 20s and 30s.

[@sarahs7524]

Yeah! I'm 44 and literally with this video, just realized this is my attachment style! I had no idea. I thought I had a secure, possibly anxious one. This video makes so much sense to me. It's embarrassing. I wish I knew 20 years ago.

[@SpectrumOfChange]

You have to remember that folks who grow up since the internet, have a LOT more resources way younger. Also social media pressure driving insane insecurities. But. A lot more information about all this.

[@cass_sorrel]

i'm 31 and i think i started my journey around 26 after hitting rock bottom. i do think internet access to resources helped me a lot. also, access to different therapy modalities that are body based. i remember when i was a preteen/teen in the early 2000s only having awareness and access to CBT, but by the time i was in my early 20s, therapists who did trauma and body based work were become more visible. since a lot of my coping is cognitive, i would get passed around a lot by CBT therapists and praised and told i was fine, but i knew i wasn't and i felt a lot of despair bc i didn't know if i would ever get help.

[@Freyr94]

I also like to know how I can consistly be myself. Im in my 30es and on my selfhelp journey since more than a decade and I would say only the content from around 5 yrs seems be useful and helpful. Before it was kinda infected by new age and wishful thinking. Anyways.. would you like to share how you stopped being a chameleon?:)

[@dr0zable]

This video series on fearful avoidant patterns is so so helpful to me. For the longest time I would pride myself on my inability to cry, and I would be confused as to why people would be worried about me when I bragged about it. Didn’t this prove I was emotionally tough and well rounded?? I also have a strong social mask that I need to drop. I am in the early beginnings of healing my attachment and these videos are a blessing when my therapy appointments are far between. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us Heidi.

[@hanbunz]

I oscillated between anxious/avoidant in my relationships and it confused me for a long time. I didn't even know fearful-avoidant existed until recently. Thank you for the info Heidi

[@mawei013]

You’re amazing….i don’t know if you’ve heard that today. But watching your videos has been life changing. Everything you’ve said about anxious attachment was a lifelong relationship style that was holding me back from identifying and finding my own true desires and goals. I had built me entire life around finding someone who makes me feel whole and validated. I never allowed myself to build my own boundaries because I knew I could assimilate and attune to whichever female I found attractive. This is so restrictive in that it gave me an excuse not to find my own life passions and pursuits. You’ve provided me a new perspective for being my own authentic self and not compromising my identify to find someone I could co-regulate with. Thank you, thank you.

[@alexissashanicolle8675]

As the former partner of an FA, it felt like Jekyll and Hyde. I still have whiplash from the shift!

[@edgreen8140]

As a clinician I love your channel, It's More about the drama triangle than other channels don't mention. And the fact that. We can be fearful avoidant but leaning secure. We really have the opposite side in us wether we want to see it or not.

[@TiffanyNicholeCatley]

Balance has been key for me! These are great tips! I'm the FA, leaning anxious, I've mainly suppressed my avoidant side. But when it's popped up, it's left several people in my life very hurt and / or confused. I've always excused it after the fact as possible depression or burnout until learning about attachment. So, I started forcing myself not to be so available and attuned to others all the time. Before, I felt major guilt to take space and self-focus for a bit. Especially with a friend or partner who was more anxious.

[@chibilume]

My situationship was like this. Super clingy and and needy with constant communication daily and when we got closer with more emotional intimacy, he blamed his distance on depression and burnout from work. It triggered my abandonment issues due to his stonewalling. He still wanted me around but it felt like asking him to communicate or giving a few minutes time to me was like asking him touch lava. He ended up setting boundaries with me that shut me out with no availability in the near future. I think he had the same revelation as you but it gave me whiplash since he didn't communicate the changes in dynamic. Thanks for sharing this. It validated my situation.

[@orsimarton3315]

I feel caught red-handed, called-out, persecuted in a nice way and that how much 3,5 years of therapy helped.

[@ziggymack2233]

Thank you very much for this series. I’ve seen how much I’ve grown from therapy within this particular attachment style

[@twillsJKZ]

Wow. You have just described every relationship I’ve ever had. Especially thinking others aren’t right for me because they’ve triggered certain parts of me I don’t see as ‘me’.

[@joshliam1967]

I really appreciate this video, as a month ago I viewed myself as anxiously attached...now I see that I'm a fearful avoidant who leans anxious I will make integrating myself a top priority. No wonder I've known for yeaaars that journaling makes me feel the most integrated!

[@simonehejazi2304]

This video is worth 100 therapy sessions, you are spot on you’re shedding a light on blind spots that I never knew existed. Thanks Heidi, you’re helping me more than you think! X

[@juisjuis551]

I know ... i felt like i was ripping her off when i only donated $50... Heidi, make a course so we can pay u properly lol 😅

[@tessallations378]

this video was so good!! i loved how you incorporated attachment theory with parts work and listed practical examples on how to do it. i too am realizing that i’m not a fully logical person who can’t be bothered by the emotions of love 😅

[@nfgatorgal]

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 this just blew my mind! You described me to a T and everything you said makes total sense. Thank you!!!!

[@bridgettebarr641]

I literally choked on my coffee when it was said I lost myself in that. I can't tell you how many times I said that. And then when you talked about the box that needs to be open and left open about being emotional and vulnerable I started having shortness of breath over the thought of doing that. Just the thought! There's times I want to think I'm not a fearful avoidant that I might have made a mistake or something along those lines. And then I see a video one of your videos actually I can't deny it, it's like you're know my inside voice.

[@keptfinding]

I have never taken pride for being able to be cold or distant, I take pride in my ability to be lethal. Shaping my life in seconds and taking wildly intertwined and yet completely opposite paths at once... But how much longer can I hold that flag over my head Keep my weapons raised My eyes locked My body snaps in truly terrifying ways under the pressure only for my focus to not be changed whatsoever. When do I become tired.... When do I fail... And when I do can I get back up? This video has taught me much and your eyes are kind to damaged souls. Please remember your mortality and take time for even your most "simple" human needs. Thank you for your words.

[@BenFilley]

I’m doing better than I thought I was. I’ll always be my own biggest critic. The explosive emotions was my problem. Once triggered it was hard to get back to the logic. But the logic made it hard to be willing to attach. The logical and calculating side is my dominant side. After growing up with an abusive stepfather, after being abandoned by my own father at 2 weeks old, showing emotions was constantly negatively reinforced. The logic took over. So did the anxiety and abandonment issues I didn’t recognize until my 30s. I finally feel like I’m in a place where I’ve found some balance. I’ve been working on myself actively for 15 years. It’s hard work. It’s always going to be work. But one day you realize just how far you’ve come, and it’s ok to be proud as fuck about it. You start wearing it like armor and you realize you can actually just be honest and sympathetic and deeply emotionally intimate with someone. I still get set off sometimes, but getting back to center is infinitely easier now than it ever was. I wish I had understood myself so much earlier in life, but I’m grateful to the KZbins for having this sort of thing. Made figuring my head space out possible without spending a fortune. That only works if you can be genuinely critical of yourself, and see your own faults in a given situation. It gets better, and the more you work at it, the easier it gets. Keep at it folks, if you’re here, you’re already fighting the fight to improve yourself. We’re all proud of you.

[@once4all125]

your channel has been very important in my life realizations, thank you for what you do!

[@C-ll4eq]

Wow... I have never had anyone explain my style so clearly to me. This is why I have largely avoided relationships for the past twenty years. As inevitably the "monster" in me would come up (i.e. my needy side) and it would destroy the relationship and my self worth. Thank you Heidi.

[@violetgc6049]

Heidi, you are an absolute genius. I love your style of presenting this information. Such a wealth of information, presented in the most compassionate, clear and powerful ways. These videos are reorganizing me from the inside out. You're so badass!

[@willbrichsoon]

The term "Secure" attachment for me sound like they're perfect, they can do no harm. Knowing that securely attached people have imperfections makes me feel good about myself.

[@Brian.Murphy]

Just an fyi - I classify as secure and certainly have more imperfections than I'd care to admit. That said, it's more about how I live with myself and others on a day to day basis that defines my security I suppose. Sure, I've had periods of anxiousness, and needing to pull away - but these emotions are not so strong as to dictate my response. I'm just comfortable taking the space I need shamelessly. I hope everyone here gets to that point in their existence.

[@amyjennings]

Wow. I'd genuinely not clicked that suddenly having no feelings was an avoidant deactivation thing, I've always just assumed the relationship had run it's course. Really helpful video ❤

[@joebagadonuts-j4y]

I could not possibly be any more thankful for your wisdom and the fact that you share it so openly and readily. I honestly believe that you have shown me the way to become an authentically genuine person able to navigate life properly.

[@lisajemus6366]

This is one of the best most well rounded explanations of this style than I have come across. I feel very seen, heard, validated. THANK YOU!

[@spacecat8511]

I’m so glad I found your fearful-avoidant videos. Neither Anxious or Avoidant really resonates with me…but these do. And I’ve noticed that as a FA I often tend to attract or be attracted to other FA in a sorta tribe sense. I’m…also dealing with the more I heal, the more I have to accept my emotions ARE “stronger” than others because of my adhd, and my reactions while finally finally healing some of this ARE going to seem…bizarre to explosive to others because of my cptsd + adhd. And remember how I tend to kinda…cluster with other FA? (Which is also why I think the conventional “it’s from Extreme caregiver abuse/neglect” is dead wrong; mine developed from extreme bullying and scapegoating at school + church with parent ill equipped to really give support vs disgust and punishment to my emotions.) Well…pretty sure I’m in love with another FA. I’ve had to deal with the shame of that, especially since. Despite being FINE only being friends (and in a lot of ways that’s preferable for me; and really all I can ever “expect” as someone asexual anyway so I’ve just done so years ago, it is what it is). I swear them sensing my attraction to them + their attraction to me just…sets them off. They were the first person to see me disregulated AND accept me, anyway; and very quickly pick up on my emotional and physical hurt and either soothe or show compassion for it faster than anyone else I’ve ever known in-person; and they looked pleased when they could make me laugh so hard I could forget to feel shame about it. But…either that stupid attraction, or…maybe they do believe I’m really only trying to build the foundations for a secure friendship here. But one or either just. Has them osolating between a Fear of that kind of connection and a Fear I’ll leave. …and while I’ll keep fighting to try and make the environment we’re in safe. I just don’t have the stamina anymore to deal with wanting a Friendship vs Casual Aquaintanceship being treated like I’m “demanding too much” anymore. …if they really are attached to me…it’s their turn now. I just hope that doesn’t cause further damage but this dysfunction is harmful to me.

[@crystilmurch5659]

I love your channel and how much it has helped me to understand concepts that have seemed foreign otherwise. Thank you for speaking so plainly and in such a straightforward manner. It makes it easy to grasp so much about my life that has felt like a great mystery.

[@yveqeshy]

I love this video because as an FA, I have recently started looking at IFS and parts therapy as a way to learn how to integrate these fragmented parts of myself, this is a step further into healing. Especially because FAs struggle so much with activation and deactivation, emotions swinging from end to end. The goal here is to minimize this and be more centred and grounded. I also think that once you learn how integrate, that's when CBT comes into play, you can now question your own thought and feelings, you can also learn how to practice mindfulness and learn to observe yourself more in the moment because you're not getting overwhelmed by your own emotional reactivity.

[@SK-or4lw]

When you said you need at least 5 friends, you are close with. I was like, " I don't have any close friends. How do you get 5. " I think I have been avoidant most of my life. I'm close to my daughter and my husband. I can see as I am getting older , I don't have many memories at all of other people. It is something I regret.

[@neptunianheart]

There’s still time to make friends and create memories with new people. Don’t lose hope yet. 💓

[@ramashakaroun2863]

Same for me I have zero friends & my husband doesn't like me

[@fedoralexandersteeman6672]

Wow! Quite the eye opener and well explained! I was in a relationship with what appeared to be a Fearful Avoidant, which eventually broke my heart and messed me up. What confused me the most was how she was so warm, emotional and crazy with me from the get go. I felt secure most of the time but whenever her avoidant, critical side appeared it triggered anxiety in me. When I was most disregulated and vulnerable she gave me the coldest shoulder ever and I couldn't believe it! 😢💔

[@jyamaloha2322]

You’re not alone @fedor! For me the hardest part was being so bewildered. It was painful to suddenly be treated like a stranger, but not understanding why was worse. This video really helped. Thank you Heidi! 💚

[@ScottH7651]

we might have dated the same person. She started out as anxious and then suddenly flipped to avoidant and it was suddenly all over and I was wondering what the hell just happened- she was so amazingly loving and all in and then was suddenly all out. It made my head spin completely off.

[@joshliam1967]

Watched this video a second time, and now that I'm further along my healing journey than I was two months ago I understand something I didn't before: As an FA leaning anxious I frequently want to present myself as someone who is always kind and caring because I feel ashamed of the parts of myself that aren't way, but I know suppressing those parts of myself doesn't mean they cease to exist. Far from it. If anything, it only leaves me feeling like I'm lying to myself, and I don't want to do that anymore. The journey of integration for all parts of myself is difficult, but as I take steps toward it and learn to love every part of myself, I can tell integration is crucial for my mental health and well-being. Thank you again!

[@jdelgado0421]

Heidi, this may be the most helpful thing I have ever heard! I have been listening to you for some time now, and your perspective and wisdom and manner of delivery has been an emotional lifesaver. Coming to realize that I have a fearful avoidant attachment style has returned hope and made sense of what always before felt like an unexplainable fragmentation- radically polarized ways of being. I have been working with attachment theory for so long but always feeling like everything I was reading only made partial sense- intuitively moving between learning about anxious and avoidant styles, very confused about how to understand myself. And though I had read a fair amount about fearful avoidant patterns, and though I DID relate to it, the way I found people talking about it always seemed to suggest that for some reason it couldn’t be me, even though it was truly what resonated the most. Listening to you has finally allowed me to just know myself and feel seen and accepted. I am truly on this healing journey now, and I am so grateful to you. All of your videos are super helpful, but this fearful avoidant blind spot video feels like an absolute revelation. ❤

[@johnmoryl2206]

My girlfriend of 3 yrs just broke up with me because i can’t express my emotions. Been watching you non stop and it all makes sense to me now.

[@Datb2]

Get her back

[@lnrdo]

This is the clearest and most relatable explanation of a way I am that has caused me so much heartache over my entire adult life, something I could not for the life of me figure out. I had always found myself saying things like "I'm chaotic and hard to date because I can't predict how I go hot and cold, even when I've been in love..." and in recent years I've just avoided dating completely because it was exhausting feeling like a jekyll-and-hyde monster I'd never be able to stop being. Finding and binge-watching your Fearful-Avoidant videos got me a little giddy at the fact that I'm *finally* understanding what's going on with me when I try to get close to someone. It's going to be a lot of work but now I have at least a starting point for healing and growth. Thank you so much for these incredibly insightful videos.

[@seanransom6227]

Very insightful, and appreciate the blunt honesty. There’s a lot of work ahead. I get too needy easily, but I also fear that once they know me they’ll leave. I try to avoid conflict by holding it all in, and it got so bad that in my last relationship I had a panic attack so bad that when I went to the hospital I stiffened, and could not move. I felt like I was trying to keep my head above water. It’s tough because I already have a hard time forming new attachments (not just romantic ones), and I’m in a new state. All of my friends are somewhere else, so making friendships that are close and not superficial is gonna be difficult.

[@aliciaandro5445]

This is SO helpful Heidi - Thank you 🙏🏻

[@piamoore568]

I thank you for this!!! It puts a name to how I am/ have been. I describe myself more avoidant emotionless, militant and logical. I dismiss my emotions to pint when I display them other than anger, people are shocked. I live in my shelters guarded avoidance but wish I could more emotional or softer

[@alwaysfallingshort]

These videos are making it so my oncoming relationship might actually work out. I'm just so grateful, thank you.

[@samanthaannfuchsgruber]

"The end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." Heidi never misses, like what an absolute game-changer. 😭 I've actually been doing this for months without even realizing I had an FA attachment. Like I've actually been saying to myself, "Am I the same around most people, including the intimate partner that I really love?" ... and yes I am! In the past, I used to change myself so outwardly and become what men wanted. My behavior was so different around a man that I was interested in... and it ended up leading to some really hard experiences. My performance and subconscious approval-seeking never got me love. But now, watching these videos WITH knowing my attachment style has made me see the world in yet another new color! 🥰 I feel so FREE!! And, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a partner who fosters true love with me!!! It is not perfect, and that is okay.💖 Life is perfectly imperfect, and experiencing honest romantic love for the first time in my life is honestly like heaven.💖

[@Ashley-ew7dp]

Woah, this was so mind opening for me 🤯 Especially the part about the other person bringing out a different side of me or "losing myself" in a relationship. I've literally said this before. Thank you so much.

[@JoanDeParc]

This is amazing and mind-blowing and I am so grateful you made this video! I've never heard this explained better by anyone!

[@lynnryan6696]

Thank you so much. The words and wisdom you share in your videos are such a healing balm for me. I am finally understanding the inner torment that I've worked for decades to heal. I've made progress toward healing, but understanding attachment wounding, along with Pete Walker's work on CPTSD, feel like the keys I've been looking for. Bless you and thank you!

[@mikes.4136]

This is such an accurate description of my attachment style. Your description of the range of feelings that accompany this style are spot on. Oh wow - integration - a lot to work on. Thank you.

[@ALzkaban]

I have always had such a hard time figuring out which way I lean. I used to think it was more anxious, but then I felt like I shifted to more avoidant. As you described each, I felt like I’ve always identified with both. Then when you brought up how it relates to what worked for you in childhood, it finally all made sense! One strategy worked best with my mom, and the other worked best with my dad! So while it might not be exactly 50/50, I think whichever way I lean, I’m not leaning very far. No wonder it’s been so difficult to determine! I should also add, I notice that which way I lean tends to depend a lot on who I am dating at the time. If they’re more avoidant, I’m more anxious. If they’re more anxious, I’m more avoidant. Or my personal favorite exes… other fearful avoidants who always kept me guessing and could bring out either side of my insecure attachment at any moment! My nervous system loves that chaos. 😬

[@lisamaria4380]

Thank-you thank-you thank-you this is the missing piece I needed. I’m so so grateful. Thank-you ❤🙏🏽

[@SS-in1ts]

Thank you for these videos, I’ve been waiting soooo long to learn about blind spots. I can’t articulate them without knowledge and practice. Thank you Heidi, life changing 🙏 ❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@nihilistichorse9650]

My gawd have th3se videos been so helpful.

[@hectorgonzalez7736]

This entire video is reading me to filth. Translation: I relate to the things discussed in this video very much. Thank you for putting these things to light :)

[@SimoneDePascalis]

That was really helpful, thank you! Still, I have to ask, as an avoidant-leaning FA, how do you practise that 5-ish-friend tip without being overwhelmed by the responsibility of giving back the attention and support those friends would gladly give you? I mean, even before engaging in this dynamic I strongly feel (heh) like I would owe them a lot of care that I'm not sure I would bear. Also, the secret-revealing section really resonates - my ex and I took different paths, and I think that's actually good for both, but sometimes I realize that the knowledge of that side of me is currently wandering around out there with them and that really sets me off.

[@SpectrumOfChange]

One key is to have the friends as a loosely overlapping group. That way the care output can be happening at the same time. Rather than only one on one dynamics, which I could never keep up.

[@MrDrdilso]

I thought I was anxious. But now I am figuring out that actually I am Fearful-avoidant, with a predominant avoidant side. And Ive been leaning anxious because of a relationship. This vídeo has been very very useful for me. Thankyou

[@tcggggg]

Same here bro i get turbulent in relationships. But im very rational day to day. May we heal

[@xTenshiAi]

This video made me feel uncomfortable since I had to face a lot of the parts of me I kept "hidden" but Im glad I came across this. I want to change myself and my future relationships and I feel this gave me so much useful info

[@teodoraangelova3304]

This is a new view on FA for me and it’s an eye opener. Many thanks 🙏

[@dl2725]

Hmm, this is really opening up self-understanding. But here’s what: I’m FA, mainly analytical in romantic situations triggering to crazy anxiety, but mainly anxious in friendships and professional relationships triggering to coldly analytical all at once. 😵‍💫

[@sebastiendeloumeaux7372]

Hi Heidi, the most memorable point to me is that my anxious side needs air. Of course it will come out screaming and act out in an embarassing way after suffocating for so long under my logic. Every video of yours is an eye opener. Thank you so much for your insights and sharing your journey. ❤

[@marybruce76]

I have a pattern of feeling VERY deeply with my heart, yet making major life decisions with my head. Being an FA is both a blessing (the beautiful parts) and a curse (the jacked up parts). How wonderful it will be to heal and become more secure, maintaining the beautiful parts, and stripping the ugly parts. Reframe your thinking. Have hope. Do the work. We WILL be ok if we retrain our subconscious through images and emotions (Thais). 1% every day, y’all! 🤗

[@gianxie]

Heidi! How can you see into my soul?! Yes, I am a guy with an emotional monster inside living all dammed up waiting to burst out and deluge whole villages! I’m definitely FA leaning DA. I’m comfortable sans emotions and feeling quietly superior to other mere mortals. But then I fell for a DA. The monster emerged overwhelming him with declarations of deep affection. He ran for the hills (twice), which reinforces that I’m part monster. He’s the only one who triggers that side of me because he’s the only person I’ve ever really fallen for probably because he’s the only guy I know who is more dismissive than I am. And now I hurt every day (and weep every fourth day!) and want to be a true DA because they (seemingly) don’t feel pain. I’ve often thought that a release valve is needed, but the practicalities of installing such a device have so far eluded me. Thanks for your unique and apt videos. I’ve watched others’ videos, but somehow yours always hit the proverbial nail on the head every time. Thanks for your help!

[@marekin8024]

I love this comment. Better to laugh than cry about it, right?🥴

[@neptunianheart]

You write like an author of literature! This comment is so relatable, ESPECIALLY the declarations of love part. I cringe about it almost every day. Sigh. I’ve never fallen like that before. I didn’t even know that I could fall like that before. I just did too much, and I feel embarrassed. I still miss him, and my heart still hurts, but I’ve just detached from the entire situation. I can’t bear to deal with the feelings of loss and heartbreak. It’s too hard. Too painful. I was too stupid. Too immature. Too desperate. I definitely lost myself in him, and the imaginary future I created with him. I needed the break from fantasy, desperately, but it came at a cost. You live and you learn, I guess. I wish you the best.

[@bornwithstyle]

23:50 if you're interested in doing a video about some explicit examples of what emotional intimacy can look like on i'd be super interested. i've been trying to grasp it these past few months but it's always a fog if i want to concretely conceptualize what that looks like. i get a lot of feedback from people missing something "deeper" from me and it seems i still need help to understand what deeper entails sadly !!

[@vijayraghavan2535]

You are doing really great work. Finding it extremely informative, instructive, and helpful. Thank you.

[@RichRobinson]

Your content is dynamite! Honestly, I am so impressed. Thank you so much.

[@shayaeido8405]

5 friends who you can feel that deep intimate relationship with wow that sounds like a lot 😅

[@blankpagepanic]

I lean incredibly avoidant with friends/family and anxious in romantic relationships. It's so much fun (not), and I have a really hard time understanding when to sit and process my anxiety/leave room for my fellow avoidants to process their shit, and when to communicate my needs to my partners/potential partners. I also struggle a lot with boundaries due to having had a helicopter/narc parent. It's HARD, but I'm trying.

[@slimilacraft7676]

I feel like I’ve just been exposed! Damn. I had been mostly in the fearful avoidant state, masking my anger and distaste, trying my hardest to remain good and helpful, almost selfless, when in reality I was really needy. I was recently triggered and the parts of myself I kept hidden from others poked its head and I couldn’t stand it. Now I feel a bit anxious avoidant and closed off from a feeling of defeat. Trying to stay in balance is, for me, like learning to walk all over again.

[@MarkConnely]

You know what you're talking about and communicate it well. This video was very informative for me. Thanks,

[@melaniearce4390]

Woah! This is my attachment style. I lean more anxious when I am smitten. I lean more avoidant when I am not sold on whether someone is right for me .

[@AccordingToWillow]

that sounds normal tbh. with a fearful avoidant, the more intimacy builds the more your avoidance is triggered.

[@germanarovinelli5893]

Thank you for this video I can see how I suppress my needs and how it makes me deactivate then I feel like a liar

[@light5634]

Thank you so much for this video ❤🎉 I've done both sides and am currently trying exactly how to use them at the same time. I feel more relaxed and safer in my avoidant side, but I'm much better connected to my feelings now, so I flip-flop less. The avoidant side definitely protected my vulnerability.

[@mirelasemanjaku]

I am not sure what i am, but i am SURE i am NOT secure attached. So i am grabbing whatever resonates. 😊❤❤