If dismissive avoidants were HONEST

[@LDR411]

The way you explained the DA made it so absolutely clear. I’m the one that walked away after years of this behavior. Bread crumbing is real along with all these other behaviors. You reinforced my stance and every day I’m getting better. I sincerely wish all the DA’s healing and wholeness. I wish those hurt and even devastated by DA’s fulfillment and joy in place of the pain.

[@user-kj8yj5en6g]

Its the most selfish and hurtful thing I've experienced being on the receiving end.

[@Thankful305]

Right!

[@MrCharmz81]

@user-kj8yj5en6g I feel your pain, it hurts these people don't care they probably get off seeing you hurt and questioning your sanity.

[@Greatboldness]

This happens in platonic friendships and romances with dismissive avoidants.

[@ThunderTitanBurger]

Communication is helping me break the cycle. When I want to detach… I tell them. That allows them to ask questions while holding me accountable, and while it’s extremely uncomfortable, I have to face my emotions (and theirs) which is what I need tbh

[@kathym.248]

Good for you. There is nothing here on healing, but it is possible.

[@ThunderTitanBurger]

@ I didn’t want to spill my whole life story but the end goal for me is to heal

[@Theveganlaowai]

Proud of you! My partner is doing the same thing right now and I know it rough for him but it’s been amazing as a couple and I see such progress already:) don’t want to get my hopes up yet but, it does make a difference! Good luck!

[@ThunderTitanBurger]

@@Theveganlaowai encouragement from my partner was/is EVERYTHING. Anxiety insists that I detach for my “protection” and even though I know that staying open is safe now, old traumas die hard. Yes, I’m an adult that can say no and make boundaries and enforce those boundaries. Yes, I know intellectually that I can choose better for myself now. BUT, I still have to (and can) internalize the truth for myself - I have to start believing what I know; I’m safe, I need to communicate, my partner doesn’t want to hurt me, etc. Ok, I guess I will spill my whole life 😅 My partner was consistent with their communication as well. They couldn’t always expend energy on my behalf but they always kept me in the loop about it. If they needed alone time I was aware that they weren’t abandoning me. They would get tired of the weight of my love-bombing/anxious need to detach and tell me that just like me, they need rest sometimes and that it’s not rest from ME. This communication allowed me to make choices in response. I realized internally, not just intellectually, that I really needed rest. After 20+ years of fight-flight-freeze I was exhausted and something in me had to change. So I acted on what I knew more than what I felt. My feelings became things to talk about with my partner, but what I knew became the guide for my actions. I “knew” that I wasn’t going to die from opening up my heart, heartbreak wasn’t a death sentence, discomfort is manageable and the only “problem” was my own inner voice… so there wasn’t any problem. My partner was great and I knew if I wanted to share a life with them I just… could. Simple as that. It feels surreal to know that absolutely no one is in my way. I know that I can literally choose to be happy right now. I know that I can choose that warm flutter in my stomach that I felt 2 years ago because I know the butterflies never left, I just started to detach from them for “protection”. And not long after I began to take intellectual-actions, I began to see the proof! Real TANGIBLE proof. My emotions had a much harder time arguing with me when I kept seeing more and more proof of my safety with my own two eyes Communication continues to help both of us because it also allows my partner to “keep track” of themselves. They know how many times we’ve had the same exact conversations and if that’s a problem for them. A relationship with me comes with cycles that can get dangerously close to spirals. Is that harmful for them? Loving me is the easy part but is a relationship with me healthy for them? Maybe we can compromise, but what are our nonnegotiables? Can I have an “anxiety space” in the house? Does my partner need date nights to be about US being together and not MY emotional baggage? Maybe for just 1-2 hours? These are genuine conversations we’ve had. A couple of years ago even thinking about those questions would’ve sent me spiraling, but because we’d been so consistent in our communication we were able to build up to some hard talks. No, they didn’t always go well, but we chose individually to stay physically and emotionally because we knew where we stood with each other. They weren’t blindsided because I quietly slipped out the back door (literally or otherwise) And you know the tangible proof I saw. My partner saw me accepting that proof with their own eyes. And then they had proof that I wasn’t going to run I know my situation doesn’t apply to everyone but I hope it helps someone. Communication is so important because it often makes us look inward. It allows the people in our lives to hold us accountable and for us to do the same. We can be forced to make actual decisions, voice those decisions, and accept the consequences for them both good and bad. It can expose us to others and to ourselves. Even our acquaintances would know deep and important things about us. Actions can go unnoticed and be misinterpreted, but a face-to-face conversation is harder to manipulate - even with gaslighting. Talking is the absolute best for creating and maintaining intimacy. Or reigniting it. Talking can also make it crystal clear to us when it’s time to leave. Intimacy still makes me uncomfortable but I know it’s good and so I act on it. But talking allows me and mine to get intimacy when and how we need it both as a couple and as individuals. If we can’t talk about something then we can’t really expect anyone to provide it for us. Even if they tried to provide it, how would they know? What if it’s not the right fit? Some people will actually start to feel resentment because of how often they “fail” us because we chose not to communicate with them. Just food for thought Anyway, I’m currently confronting my codependency (which I didn’t know I had) and it’s tough and VERY uncomfortable. And there’s nothing wrong with that 🙂

[@tayan219]

👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿 thank you for being bold, courageous and taking accountability. Please continue to commmunicate

[@Tracy-ks1vk]

I’ve been a silent follower for a bit, this is my first comment I believe. You REALLY nailed this one 😮‍💨😅

[@reginalddurden7280]

That was scary accurate on how they actually do you. Every word, every sentence, every excuse was on point. Thank you sir.

[@johnsonjj117]

wow the “I can’t give you what you need” really hit home. Wife recently told me this after 9 years married and 8 years dating… not even sure what she means. I never really had an expectation of how her love had to be or feel, I really only needed her respect.

[@abracadabra3089]

😮😢

[@nancylove9698]

It would be lovely to meet the dismissive avoidant after the self-awareness and healing period! They’d be like “normal” people with problems they actually work on instead of run from.

[@marylynnelizabeth1631]

THIS!!!!!!! EXACTLY...💯 💯 💯!!! It'd be awesome to meet up again sometime with the healed version of my ex'BF who's a Dismissive Avoidant with Fearful Avoidant tendencies.

[@jamesbow5916]

What is sad is that dismissive avoidants are the last people to actually watch a video like this.

[@Jons01]

They won't see themselves in this. They will actually blame the other person.

[@jamesbow5916]

@@Jons01 Absolutely.... even if they won't blame the other person, they will resort to binary thinking.... "I'm just not a relationship person" or "I'm just better by myself". Instead of reflecting on the fact that part of their emotional development got stunted.... and they have the ability and agency to change themselves.

[@jg1503]

Exactly. I’ve sent videos from Heidi Priebe to help my relationship she didn’t even bother to watch. The gaslighting. The blame. The emotional disconnect. Drives a man crazy. Love yourself folks!

[@tagir9123]

Dude, what do you think I'm doing here

[@jamesbow5916]

@@tagir9123 Glad for anyone trying to make improvement and raise their self awareness. Also glad you are here! It has been my experience that avoidants tend to be the least likely to self-reflect. They tend to double down on their coping mechanisms. I realize I'm very much stereotyping, but it is matches my experience.

[@HK-cp8tm]

Wow, this is the best description ive heard in a while. Being on the receiving end fucks you up

[@Joanne-g5e]

Absolutely one hundred percent correct, and also so incredibly painful

[@CryptoQuest1]

This is all because of childhood traumas. If people could face them and work on these traumas, there would be more successful relationships.

[@Katastr0phic_Katicorn]

For everyone.

[@AtomicPunk820]

Just experienced this and it's so true. It's better to walk away.

[@chantakchantal6065]

I left 2 years ago. Got mild ptsd since. Healing slowly and trusting God .

[@marisol3827]

Thank you. I’m going to watch this every time he tries to use me again. I’ve already played the fool with him a million times over. Unfortunately, I didn’t know anything about attachment styles when I fell for him. And he accepted my fearful avoidant behavior. It felt good to be accepted by someone who knew what a mess I was. But now, I’m healing and he is not. I’m embarrassed that he can still reel me in and then throw me in the trash. I pray that I will immediately recognize the signs of a DA in the future and NEVER start a relationship with one ever again.

[@Sachellelewis95]

Wow this describes me! Thank you so much for posting this 🙏🏼 This helps me to do healing and fix this issue. Never knew this is what it was called. I desire real love and to be married one day but I fear rejection and push every person away because the two people I’ve been w/ have hurt me tremendously and growing up my parents also were emotionally abusive and distant. Thank you Jesus for this video🙏🏼

[@snuggleb100]

This is so totally right on. That’s exactly what my DA did to me over and over. Breadcrumb with me I got the whole works. I have to see him three times a week at church. It has taken me a long time to get over him. I will not look at him. Smile at him, wave at him nothing he tried recently to get me to pay attention to him again follow me around, stare at me, hoping I would take the bait. Not this time buddy. I’ve had enough of your crap. I’ve moved on and good riddance!!!!

[@desiemehrabian1133]

@@snuggleb100 yes- I finally blocked him on my phone so I wouldn’t keep checking to see if he responded to me. He makes a comment to open a conversation, I ask an open-ended question like “how was your trip?” And no answer for two days. That was the last one. He said we’re not really dating any more but wants to keep me as a special friend, and never calls me. So I’m in limbo again and concluded this is not the relationship I want. Now I need to figure out how to find someone who will give me the relationship I want. The dismissive was another stepping stone but at the beginning I thought he would be the last one

[@caramcculley4640]

"I've just been so busy lately". "Attacked" every time you try to talk about it. "I don't think I can fix this". BELIEVE THEM and RUN.

[@javiercarrera6092]

Oh boy,. That's a very accurate description of the whole ordeal. I am on the second distancing phase. But to be honest, all this pain has been very useful to me. Because, of course, nobody pointed a gun to my head to make me look for an Avoidant for a partner. It is I who decided. So, why did I do it? Why did I chose to be in this kind of relationship? It has been a harsh training camp to face my own insecurities and I have learnt so much.

[@TheOConnFamily]

@@javiercarrera6092 : I’m in this phase now also… I too have dealt with so so much pain over the past 3 yrs. A person can only take so much. I’ve cried so many tears from feeling abandoned to the person that sheds no tears and could care less. It’s such a tough situation to go through, but such a learning experience. Learning about ourself. Like why? How can we heal? How can we not feel abandonment? And learning to love ourselves more than trying to love someone incapable of loving us back…

[@Miriam-ul4ke]

100 percent correct 😂😂😂 only 1 percent change stop the cap, its hard to fix if you keep blaming everyone else, these people take zero accountability.

[@KatL-h7t]

So very true. Sadly

[@Victoria-zt7zy]

Wow. Is this a new epidemic? It seems to be occurring more and more.

[@godspurple4805]

Seems that way 😢

[@marguskiis7711]

More people have cold childhood and traumatic relationship history.

[@bigboss6867]

Social media and Phantom Ex syndrome are variables too, I feel. "Why settle for one flavor when I can have a different flavor when I wish via a dating app? If so, they must have all the qualities that were good about my previous flames and none of the negatives."

[@1999Chelsea]

The older you get the more Avoidents are in the dating pool

[@MrCharmz81]

@1999Chelsea Stay away and hope avoidant don't have children, so they don't continue the toxic cycle.

[@89DeluCs]

Yes my DA is triggered you cannot have a conversation with a DA when is deactivated is like your are speacking with a wall isnt the same person 😢

[@ntokotom147]

I'm a DA And that's true, I shutdown and I say I don't know to anything asked

[@89DeluCs]

@ntokotom147 can you help me with my girlfriend please to give me some advice we can excange social media or something to speack

[@TheOConnFamily]

@@89DeluCs omg yessss and such a fragile sense of self. They feel attacked and like every little thing said becomes conflict. It’s ridiculous. A person can only handle so much…

[@MrCharmz81]

@89DeluCs Its a horrible experience makes you feel like you don't even exist, they constantly blow up like a bomb and be rude and selfish by me just asking a question, starting to think these people came out of Satan's hole just to destroy good relationships for a reason because they sure as hell, don't show any kindness, love or empathy, just coldness, rudeness and express themselves in an aggressive manner.

[@TheOConnFamily]

@ yessssss, this is spot on!

[@WILLIAMSMITH-jd2hb]

I just had this done to me, and it was agonizing as I never saw it coming. Betrayal is the worst pain in the world

[@rachelkrumpelman5131]

Wow!!!!! So accurate 😂😢😂😢 I was treated exactly this way. And I have anxious attachment so, you can imagine how devastating that was for me being abandoned.

[@kenyadaposey3907]

We anxious attached Will be attracted to them until we heal

[@daniel-alan]

...and vice versa.

[@kathym.248]

Chillingly accurate. And it does help, whatever stage we're at with this person and why! After the relationship was over, I began to suspect he was feeding of my warmth and interest in him. And you reveal that exactly!!

[@samsilvester7612]

Best description EVER… although some of us DA’s do this with a lot more empathy and blame on ourselves - when we don’t understand ourselves… and then think we’re incapable of relationships 😢

[@rachelmel]

This happens inside of long term relationships too, when they do something incredibly hurtful but can't/won't explain why, don't know why they did it, and don't show enough real empathy because they won't atone.

[@bethanytea3434]

You just cleared up years of questioning what went wrong. He was so attentive and genuine until all of a sudden he wasn't. I never understood how he could go from caring about me and wanting to take care of me emotionally, and supporting me while I was going through serious life changes, to all of a sudden saying to me, "I think you care more about me than I do you..." like what??? "Okay, well actually sounds more like you led me on so you could play hero for 3 months"

[@lunallena5594]

At least you weren't married to him. Imagine going through that, plus yhe stress of being married to a person who is not on your team and wasting years of your life to then get divorced, only to see him marry the next person he meets.

[@jennifercheney4353]

​@@lunallena5594imagine thinking it's a contest...check yourself.

[@rainamule3415]

Hit the nail on the head. Exactly how it is and feels. I hope my friend gets help and fixes his life, but I have to say the loss and heartbreak is a killer 😢

[@ronald_wolvers]

I can't say I like being in that time again having to watch videos about what just happened, but nonetheless I am very thankful for this video. It's so odd how accurately it lines up with recent events in my life... just so odd.

[@eleo6966]

They help you see what you deserve: lessons learned. They love fairy tales** they give us the relationship we dream of but actually we are the dream they will never never get. We become pearls because when the shell 🐚 is irritated it form a beautiful pearl 😅… be good out there 😂 we are so worthy and beautiful, trust me they are not kind ❤

[@kaz6218]

@@eleo6966 We are the dream, so beautifully said. Thank you

[@WineCatsAndIceCream]

Happened to me, but once the calls and texts started becoming less, I blocked and erased him everywhere. And changed my phone number. 😂

[@WineCatsAndIceCream]

And never answer the door when they come over.

[@cassiewilliams2041]

I blocked him and threw the number away

[@ktbiwk]

👏 👏 👏 👏

[@LimeChartreuse01]

The best is when they do this to you after you’re married. That’s fun.

[@wordzmyth]

Ouch. I'm sorry

[@shutupimstilltalking]

Divorce if they leave you and sleep around

[@firewoman13merica65]

I am pushing thru this hell as I type. Thank you !

[@pelqel9893]

I'm an FA, but have had relationships with DAs... the discard can be BRUTAL and devastating... but I've gotten better at recognizing the early signs of when they start feeling anxiety and suffocation, and back away! They're very challenging to even maintain a friendship with! They need absolute freedom to take space whenever they need it.

[@TheOConnFamily]

What’s DA?

[@Katastr0phic_Katicorn]

No they need therapy.

[@pelqel9893]

@@TheOConnFamily Dismissive Avoidant.

[@pelqel9893]

@@Katastr0phic_Katicorn Don't we all?

[@Lexi_Con]

Yep, 💯 correct. Communication & empathy are absolutely necessary for true connection & adult relationships to work long term. DAs: Don't be so arrogant & EGOCENTRIC that you expect your partner to read your mind... Much less accept blame for what you did or didn't do. It always takes TWO. Btw, running away/ghosting & sabotage (criticism, etc) is cowardly & cruel. Own your issues & be honest. Get help & healing if you need it!

[@Lexi_Con]

And DON'T WASTE years of someone's life posing as a decent partner only to throw it away just like that. When they could've been getting to know their EMOTIONALLY MATURE/AVAILABLE partner before it's too late. We don't get any younger... Stop ignoring your issues & please don't be SELFISH with people's time & emotions.

[@hgr.7857]

Shockingly, perfectly accurate. After a brutal discard (exactly as described) i put 2 months of work in in myself and NC outside of work (coworker, oops). I finally had abandoned any hope & begun mov8ng on. Now my FA ex is suddenly liking my posts, showing interest, fi ding me at work, etc. Cycle 1 of re-seeking familiar validation. Wash rinse repeat.

[@emmaleaone]

My x what a shameful thing to do to another person.. I can’t believe I had to go through this at 60 .. never again!!

[@donidan4894]

Same

[@Chococat_Ariana]

Thank you for making this video. This is the closure I needed but I couldn't get from The One That Got Away.

[@MySissySays]

Thank you for the videos. You have helped make some sense of very strange and unhealthy behaviors.

[@CoachRyanH]

Thank you very much! I’m glad my content has been helpful to you!

[@outofthedarknessandintothe1538]

I love the way you layed it all out.

[@LadyE9714]

Wow, you just went step by step of what I went through. It was devastating, to say the least. I'm so glad I was strong enough to see the writing on the way and leave that unhealed mess with itself.

[@Mistical1982]

We need someone who can see beyond these defence mechanisms (and see that’s what they actually are), work with us to heal, and be patient. Like everyone, we’re unaware of what we’re doing. But we can wake up and we can want to, and try to, change. It’s not easy but it’s possible - and rewarding for both partners.

[@Katastr0phic_Katicorn]

We also need to know/learn/be taught that what we're doing is what it is (a cycle and it's generally from depreciated self-worth) and that there are healthier ways to be. Some of us don't learn that because we get into relationships with avoidants who detach from us/abandon us and teach us our emotions are too much/bad/wrong and anxious who are just as damaging and seem to enjoy having a victim complex while also refusing to give us space to process trigger anxiety in everyone. We all need a secure example to understand our own damage and we all need to not hurt that person in the process of healing ourselves.

[@Just_a_Goth]

Nope. People aren't required to coddle you and subject themselves to bs. It's called therapy. You should attend those sessions.

[@theaquariancontrarian3316]

Im tired of screwed up people. Where can i meet a normal person???

[@kky.x]

“in the last days terrible times will come. For men will be lovers of their own selves”

[@eninziwellness4299]

@@kky.xyep - were in the last days for sure 😢

[@Jaslennesa]

omgsh I never knew this was a thing 😅 but it makes so much sense!! it stings a lil bit. I've realised a lot about myself and I don't want to be like this so I'm working on it. Thanks for sharing

[@vaughn7130]

Sounds like a narcissist to me PERIOD

[@ktbiwk]

It's not a personality disorder (clusters A, B, C) it's an attachment style. It's possible to have both.

[@user-or1ye3iz6d]

Covert narcissism

[@emmaleaone]

Yes covert exactly

[@Luch]

they’re just similar in pattern but they’re not the same an avoidant tries to control the relationship, a narcissist tries to control YOU

[@freerangeboogie7293]

@@LuchOh, that’s a good explanation!

[@vannarooski8730]

Plot twist: the other party he’s talking to is a narcissist.

[@Krma-3]

There is a lot of narcissistic behavior. Overlap with this 💯 Either way, it's toxic and unhealthy. They're not emotionally mature enough to have a real relationship.

[@sky.the.infinite]

💯💯💯🎯🎯🎯💯💯💯

[@inspirationalaries]

Lol, savagely, brutally honest. My experience 100%. Boy did it hurt. Thank you for your consummate summation of the avoidant.

[@peppermintpsaki1157]

It only took one of those (and he wasn’t even a romantic relationship, he was a friend) for me to figure out the cheat code to at least mitigate the fallout: When you approach life and its experiences on a single serving basis, it keeps you from getting that attached (liable) to get hurt in the first place. Enjoy the fantasy phase, and when he starts showing signs of being an avoidant, know that the ride’s over, enjoy the memories and experiences and take them with you when you look for a real one. Before I figured this out, I was going through YT video after video on how to navigate that situation, how to find some way to still try to make it work. There’s only one way: hit eject. The only one who can fix or heal that person is themselves. And ironically, it’s that very avoidant disorder that would have them never see it let alone acknowledge or do anything about it. They’re emotionally handicapped, sorry to say. And unlike a physical disability, there’s no “adaptation” to still try to make a relationship with them work. Take the good (and the lessons) that you experienced with them, pack them up in your suitcase and gtf on down the road before another cycle starts and he hurts you again. It’s not abandonment, it’s saving yourself. You deserve a functional partner, they normalized that as regular coping. That alone rules them out. They were great for that initial meet cute, when they show signs is where you prepare to exit. Yes, even though he was just a friend, his avoidant disorder really hurt me that much. I leaned a lot 😓

[@Wombiebat]

Your analysis is spot on and so insightful. Thank you!

[@louisstout9952]

This is exactly what happened for 2 months. I'm glad it wasn't longer. What the hell man. You guys are not crazy, trust yourselves and leave. If you feel used and undervalued, you are not crazy, you are not hyper anxious, you are being used. Good luck with your character development :)

[@1ma4ighter]

Bro you are lucky man, what an idiot I was, I got totally swindled, I'm 9 years in next week... Well, 9 years into marriage

[@eninziwellness4299]

At least I now understand what on earth has happened to me. 3 years of a massive emotional rollercoaster…

[@Dragonfighta]

This is a dismissive avoidant leaning narcissist

[@adreaminxy]

That’s all dismissive avoidants, narcissistic traits and behaviors are part of the deal.

[@godspurple4805]

Same 😢

[@godspurple4805]

Same 😢

[@Dragonfighta]

@@adreaminxy true … the spectrum can vary a lot though , since we’re all having narcissistic tendencies to a certain extent . So it can come out more or less or appear to be rather normal , or on the other end : being a full blown narcissist.

[@marguskiis7711]

All avoidants do this.

[@HoneybeeHearts52]

Sounds a lot like a narc looking for their next fuel source

[@michellem7290]

Yes, I know both, the DA I’m thinking of just lets themselves stay hooked in by narcs because the connection always remains very shallow. Low pressure, low “danger”

[@LauraCooper-nu1re]

This is absolutely terrifying.

[@kingbee44]

Oh wow, this described my last 3 relationships so precisely it was eerie. I found it really helpful, and now I can learn more and hopefully heal myself for good.

[@gayleneflower398]

Well, coach, you’re really getting good at this! Thank you you are definitely helping a lot of people heal. I just hope some of the fearful and dismissive avoidants heal as well.❤

[@babysam3768]

If you resonate with this, stay single. Period. Stop damaging and deeply traumatizing others that have nothing to do with your issues.

[@amisa160]

Completely true! He was so loving to me until a friend of us made a remark about the sparkle between us. Then from one second to another he just turned me the back. Even stopped answering when I was talking to him. Then starting using dating apps, even though he had said to me that he wanted to be single and he was very eager that I would know about it. After that a wobbly period - sometimes moving forwards me and sometimes away from me. That went on until I turned my back on him.

[@2780-l2k]

Secure and stable people do not respond to this behavior therefore there is no hurt or game- do not be vulnerable with those who can not reciprocate/have remorse or acknowledge need to heal

[@justme9514]

Now this is the comment and vibe check in the comments section I was looking for, the secure family with cut off game so strong avoidants are left dizzy. I'd only add that anyone who entertains avoidants long term, or even more than once either FA ( the worst if you ask me) or DA that person is NOT truly secure and needs to work on it, because the behaviour of an avoidant would be too unattractive for the truly secure and hence why avoidants and secure people don't last but avoidant and anxious do. Anyway, this is not our business, the more avoidants date while unhealed, and the more secure people they meet, the bigger their reality check over not being worthy for a " healthy"relationship will come their way, only the anxious will deal with them.

[@Blueblackngold]

Succinctly: they didn’t like you to begin with

[@MrCharmz81]

@Blueblackngold I'm starting to believe she never liked me or loved me to begin with, I was just some bullshit escape.

[@Blueblackngold]

@ Succinctly: yep /:

[@HotRodHarley06]

The topper was "alone is the best choice for me" I heard that one right before the discard, now she's with someone new not alone. Me? I'm working on healing, yes alone. Odd how even that became a projection.

[@nancylove9698]

The BEST way to avoid is to jump into a new relationship and get the dopamine hit all over. Perhaps they don’t want a real person with problems and needs. They just want the happy drug feeling of unconditional love. Rinse. Repeat with partner after partner.

[@heinrich3925]

Every conversation I have with the opposite sex I am practicing to be VERY honest about ehat I am feeling, and what I am afraid of. Since I am doing so, I experience that they have good advice for me and showing me a solution I havent thought of. Or we think together of one. That is very wholesome. And helps me healing and cope with my fears. They are actually no fears once I spoke about it and listend to the opposite ideas 😊 God bless you all. And our wounds. ❤

[@DanielleJohnson-ob1bh]

This is so accurate. I’m currently in the “no contact” stage, day 46. I’m starting to wonder if the cat and mouse game has me more hooked on him and making it harder. You always want what you can’t have, right? This has been excruciating.

[@johnmaus4408]

I used to think " if only " you become used to optimistic thinking and accepting bread crumbling. That is all they can give you. They know they struggle but that internal conflicts is just to strong. I feel it is best to remember they can't give what they don't have and study at PDS and move.on in time. We are in love with a space of time that they were not triggered. Life has triggers.

[@IMPeace2023]

100% accuracy, thank God I divorced and got away from them. ❤

[@mikyl-fo8rh]

Great job Coach Ryan!

[@Grassland-ix7mu]

Thought you were gonna say "Until I really do understand what I am doing to people, and I stop trying to be in relationships all together"

[@Strongerthanyouthink78]

This happened with my ex few months ago after seven years and found a new fix. Left me with out severely disabled daughter whilst he’s enjoying himself with his new supply djing and going out dinners etc. I am lost and confused but he’s just acting like everything is perfectly acceptable. Like it was all my fault. He won’t even talk to me about it finished me by email!! Never mentioned his woman he left me for 😢he’s a narcissist, I’m not sure what an avoidant is not sure if it’s the same thing or part of NPD. He never shows any emotions except anger. Never cried in seven years. Never been there when I was sick or needed him. I waited for change and got thrown away like garbage 😢always thought he was a narcissist and he proved me correct 👍

[@aludra7308]

So much love to you and your daughter. Better things are coming for the both of you. Keep your head held high. You will get through this I promise. ❤️

[@Strongerthanyouthink78]

@ thank you 🙏 ❤️

[@SproutNoDoubt]

God… this is my current reality. 😭🙃

[@AKFit360]

This spot is spot on. This is exactly what happened to me with my ex. I got burnt out and shut the door completely on the relationship. I gave her the ring back she bought for me and started dating again 🎉

[@HereForToday42]

If you have this, it’s not your fault, but you do need to get help for it. Usually traces back to the fact that you didn’t feel secure in your earliest days. There was a failure of the primary caregivers to give you that insecurity that you’re lovable. Don’t beat yourself up get some help.

[@rebeccalucas6063]

My question would be - " how did my ex ever stay with his previous wife 24 years then if he's an avoidant or detached person?" Yes, they got divorced, according to him, she cheated, but was it HIS COLDNESS that pushed her into another man's arms? My ex got extremely angry because I said "I love you" I got yelled at and cussed at because I fell in love 😵‍💫

[@devotedtoextraordinary]

exactly how it went for me!! including coming back to get validation and then saying he needs more time. he’s blocked now.

[@LauraAmanda8888]

Fuck I'm crying so much on the inside just from the first part ❤ thank you coach

[@LiaVeniceMiranda]

You got it right... Feel sorry and. Pity them. I'll move on and heal but I don't know if he can.. I'll find someone else as healthy as me but him it's always a cycle...

[@moonlitheart-r8c]

How can you be so damn accurate

[@BruceJC75]

The sad thing is that it’s a CHOICE. I told her, if you won’t try to heal for me or yourself, heal for your kids.

[@warriorspiritmovers2589]

Cant be for you. Has to be for them.

[@davidaikman2968]

ONE. THOUSAND. PERCENT. That is my ex. Although the physical time with avoidants is short, the psychological and emotional unpacking of the failed relationship can last for years. Although I acknowledge it takes two to destroy a relationship, I’ve learned that with an avoidant, it’s almost always because of their behaviors.

[@amma932]

What a great explanation!!!!

[@NotwhoIuse2be]

Wow, this was exactly my last relationship. I ended up breaking up with him when he continued to disrespect me and blame me for the issues we were having instead of realizing his half of it. I truly hope he heals but I just couldn't do it anymore. My heart is so tired. I just want to heal. I miss feeling... Like I'm worth something.

[@melissaleone5828]

Wow-Spot on‼️

[@christianedesbois1317]

Yup. 14 years of it. What does not kill you makes you stronger. Left and never looked back. Thank you Lord.

[@Rybz]

damn

[@BeenyKay]

For me it was about 6 months, it wasn't long enough to leave any significant mark on me but I definitely know not to mess with that kind anymore😅

[@MrCharmz81]

@christianedesbois1317 Wow can't believe you endured that long, I'm only 10 months in and it's driving me mad, I can't stand the coldness and no empathic emotions, but she doesn't care all she does is turn it around into hostility and aggressive manners.

[@EDDIEM0NS00N]

​@MrCharmz81 14 yrs for me too pal. I'm no angel & have made (small) mistakes that would be forgotten by me within 24 hrs were it the other way around. But she will not let it go which results in me not existing anymore, sometimes for months, even when we're sat on the sofa together. No apology ever when she's wrong. Arguements over nothing, but usually when weve got something planned in the next day or so, & theyre aggressive arguments, which eventually set me off with all the stress this has all caused. Ending in me swearing at her, something she does very often in these situations. But me swearing at her, well, that means I'm the purest form of evil, & the ignoring continues.

[@mbreuer6779]

The last line. So perfect. Thanks for this piece. Incredibly helpful.

[@doralburnett9886]

Greatly articulated

[@Thankful305]

You’ve explained the “trauma bond” And read my journals!!

[@marmfruit]

They’re effing crazy . And we are for putting up with it so many times sigh

[@figgyfoots]

Wow. Thank you, I needed to hear this.

[@michellem7290]

Yes I see the overlap between this and narcs, I know people who are both

[@kky.x]

i was thinking these are cluster b traits

[@Kazzas73]

Thanks Ryan. This is one of your best posts to date. Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas.

[@losbanos999]

Coach....this is my ex gf from Jamaica head case. You are too good telling us this!! Spot on!! It's like you experienced this personally before? The worst pain ever felt. Even with all that, I still love her. Ridiculous!

[@sharoncalhounnorman6722]

Literally happening now…we’re at the breadcrumbing stage.

[@tredd9019]

Wish I could laugh. It would be funny how fd up this is if it weren't so soul crushing for the partner of these cretins. I say this cold af and completely without drama; I will NEVER be the same. Just like he planned.

[@ladyofspa]

Is there a way to sense this type of person by the 3rd date? How to completely avoid avoiders? And if in relationship never to let them back in your life with false hope. Btw every detail was masterfully acted out on everyone I know at least once or more.

[@kathym.248]

I think there are clues from the rest of their lives and how they handle difficult things in real time. Easier before a romance starts, I think.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Their was a song called roller coaster and being with them that's the ride you will ne on I finally got off

[@sweetbrown89]

I’m…apparently an “ethical avoidant” I try to stay single so I don’t have this issue, but guys get attached to me and “I’ll just end up ghosting you” doesn’t seem to be a deterrent

[@angelcrespo6232]

That’s…what’s been happening and it’s leaving me confused.

[@WelcomeToOzzy]

This video is on point!!!! Exactly on point! 😅

[@Caddiken]

It’s scarily on point. Good gosh.

[@hobag11]

God damn it you’re correct. Thank you.

[@kellybourke1826]

So True!! Wow interesting emotionally unavailable!!

[@tiffanycools3414]

So the new label for narcissist is dismissive avoidant

[@snail-post]

I would say that narcissists have dismissive avoidant attachment style.

[@existentialbread5906]

I dont think so..narcissists dont have any feelings for you in the first place and wouldnt feel any pressure because they dont care at all. avoidants do have feelings at times, thats what drives their behaviour. Attention and supply drive a narcissist

[@user-or1ye3iz6d]

This is Covert Narcissists to a tee