119: Healing the Wounds Left by the Negligent Father

There are really lifelong implications for children who grow up with an emotionally isolating or absent dad.
Some wounds take longer to heal than others.
The wounds of paternal abandonment are ones that take a particularly long time to heal. It requires time, a mental and emotional journey, and a definitive decision to let go of the idea that the father will change his ways.
In this episode, Rachael Chatham talks with us about the experience of the negligent father and general paternal abandonment, and how this particularly impacts daughters. This experience of the negligent father is very common; Rachael sees it in her practice, but it’s part of her personal narrative as well.
Rachael shares with us her journey that led to a transformative experience that allowed her to start taking care of herself-she let go of the fantasy she had written in her head about her father coming back around.
Take a listen to learn more about how to heal the wound left from a negligent father, and how you can help a loved one who’s healing as well.

About Rachael Chatham:
Rachael Chatham is a Licensed Professional Counselor, psychotherapist, and published author. Her private practice is located in Asheville, North Carolina, where she specializes in navigating relationship challenges and healing complex trauma. Her education is rooted in somatic and transpersonal psychologies, and she approaches her work from a perspective that all beings are whole.
Rachael will be launching her first online course in January 2020: Reclaiming the Self: Returning to the Truth and Beauty of Who You Really Are.

Some Questions I Ask:
What drew you to focus in on this area? (2:42) How does the impact of parental abandonment reveal itself in children? (8:31) Why is the absence of a father so impactful? (10:29) What advice do you have for someone who wants to explore this healing process? (26:40)
In This Episode, You Will Learn:
How motherhood affected Rachael’s relationship with her negligent father. (6:14) How parental abandonment still happens, even with fathers living in the home. (10:12) How the effects of parental abandonment influence the child’s sense of identity. (15:16) What the grief process looks like when a child lets go of the fantasy that their father could be different. (23:13) About Rachael’s transformative experience that allowed her to start taking care of herself. (27:06)
Resources:
Whole Self Therapy
The Skillful Self
Healing the Father Wound
The Fatherless Daughter Project by Denna Babul
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Dr. Karyl McBride

[@blckvlvt624]

This quarantine period is bringing up a lot of stuff especially if you have issues with abandonment.

[@stellaryogaarts3265]

The saddest is we grow up to marry emotional unavailable spouses 😢

[@katec4266]

Ouch, that hit hard

[@lisabanta6353]

Yes very true

[@maryross8903]

And watch this cycle over and over again- my heart is broken.

[@pinargeneci2537]

How do we heal and break this cycle?

[@whoatethechocolate]

@@pinargeneci2537 Realize the pattern. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Create new patterns.

[@jupiterrising4444]

😥 that's where the hyper independence comes from. Both parents where as described in this episode,no wonder I liberated myself from the family home at 16. So much work to do, re-parenting myself. Thank you for your generosity of spirit for sharing this resource.

[@sharnahthompson7133]

Wow, it’s a massive wound to heal. Trust is massive. ❤️❤️❤️

[@moldypotatochip]

I'm really blessed now to be with my husband. I had dated some emotionally unavailable people in the past but my husband is different, I'm allowed to cry on his shoulder and he listens to me about anything. And when I see the way my father-in-law is vs my own dad, I have a lot of respect for him. My parents have come to visit us once in 7 years. My in laws have come at least several times per year. They all live equally far away so it was a huge realization for me that some families could be close like that, or come at the drop of a hat if we needed them. Helped me realize my own family was incredibly dysfunctional, and I feel that I've never been allowed to ask family for help since I reached adolescence... I knew it deep down but I didn't have basis for comparison like this before. I feel like they are just not there for me, they never have been, in that kind of way.

[@blckvlvt624]

Sound baths that stimulate the heart chakrawith bells 👍🏾

[@Lionessoflove22ko7rl]

This podcast was really helpful. Thankyou. ✨️🙏🏾✨️💚✨️

[@BellisSophia]

Wow... I recently tested on attachments styles and my main is fearful avoidant. I am an HSP and have experienced an emotionally distant and angry father... who I think I actually got a lot of my HSP qualities from. I don’t really speak to my family, overall for my mental health...

[@BioHacking88]

Each & every word was so important ! Incredible Views ! Thank You

[@practicehonesty452]

My own father was absent and there were years where I didn’t see him or talk to him. He was never attuned to my feelings or needs when I was younger. ADHD really badly. Makes me curious if he has a certain autism. He’s nice but not attuned. He lives with me now and I am caring for him. He’s still independent but I definitely care for him more than he ever did for me. I struggle with this because I truly don’t understand how a father can be absent so much. He definitely triggers me and makes me feel anxious around him. He’s very needy with hugs and such. I think to myself why weren’t you like this when I was a child needing a hug? I feel repelled because I don’t want a hug. I’m not a touchy person either so it just rubs me raw. My mother abused me terribly and wasn’t affectionate. Her touching was physical abuse. My caretakers were not nice. I am definitely in a hard situation and I have a sister who isn’t supportive and one that is. Everyone doesn’t understand why I would take in a father who never cared for us? It’s not about that. It’s doing the right thing. He’s not mean, just needy if that makes sense. My children hide from him. He is odd. Not a bad guy, just off. He’s 73 years old and I wonder if he has a certain spectrum of autism?

[@yendong2004]

Hey that's nice you're taking him in... giving him the love, support, affection as much as you can. You would be breaking the generational trauma. How come he was never like this? Imagine how you are never getting this and feeling repelled. Then imagine your father and his parents. Forgiveness for him and yourself and learning to love again. So that your children see the shining example to pass on

[@grainnekelly3366]

Thank you so much for this Lourdes and Rachael

[@beesheee]

Love your interviews! Thank you!

[@CherylMuir]

Great video! 🔥

[@jordansthoughts54]

Sadly relatable

[@clairebeauregard6868]

What about fatherless son’s. Being a widow with a son who is struggling with a father who abandoned our family and passed away too soon for them to reconcile.

[@rosanerio2]

Excellente video! Thank you so much!

[@xx3765]

I’m not even sure where to begin. I’m way too old and I’ve done way too much work on myself to be blown away that I could I miss this!! WoW!! I need help!! Serious help! My dad died at 5, my step dad died at 11, and In 3 months my mom remarried a monster and we moved cross country! There is so much...... Anyway, I have no money, I’ve been in therapy and on medication since I was 13. I have serious addiction issues, CPTSD Bipolar/BPD, Major depression, anxiety, etc. This common thread runs so deep through every part of my life!! Holy cow!! HELP!! How can I find therapy focused on this issue when I really have nothing to give. Being below poverty level and having no support cripples my opinions. I am determined to heal!! I do best thus far with self guided therapy. But I truly feel this might the the root of the root of the root. The universe has led me to this podcast for help. This year has crumbled all I thought I had built. I desperately want to learn to, at least, start to find comfort and safety in a man.

[@xx3765]

Man! I won’t even start with the mother wound.

[@sandrawillis7577]

Dear listener I really feel for you. I hope and pray you will find some comfort in your life. Both my parents have been negligent and have each in their own way demonstrated this in very cruel ways. I'm in my late 50s. I have underacheived in most aspects of my life. The sad thing is I've also been very attached to both parents emotionally wishing, hoping, working hard to gain the love and reassurance I still crave. I haven't really thought deeply about myself I've just been in some kind of haze really believing that if I gave enough was kind enough I would earn the love I so desperately need. It's funny how neediness can repel. I've gone through life searching for both my parents in my friends and lovers. often adopting the role of parent. I have come to a place now where I really must face and embrace the truth of my situation. I'm not entirely without hope that one day I might experience the love I crave. I must begin with loving myself. (or at least trying to) I have found great comfort in my God Jehovah and in his way he has helped me understand what a loving father looks like. Please keep going my friend I wish you peace in your life Thank You. And Kind Regards. 🌺

[@ravennfeatherheart9287]

I been searching to heal father daughter wounds. My father threw me out for adoption. We got in contact when I was 19, 21 then in 2015. He's alive but gone again. All father healing meditation on KZbin is all female voice. This is depressingly sad. 😭😭

[@maryburns602]

I have 3 suggestions that has helped me so far, and honestly I feel you might be 1 of the pieces I was missing. On you tube I found a playlist called Unlock your life, amazing meditations. I’m also having Reiki Sessions via messenger with Neil Cooper, since COVID gave me much time with myself which I never could be with me. Tara Brach Radical Compassion. Bless you for Giving me a new tool in my toolbox. Happy New Year 2021

[@wonderfulpeoplesavingtheearth]

i can relate to so much of what Rachael offers here. one thing i found slightly aggravating was the gravely tone of her voice. a lot of people have this low throat affect. best to drop it imo.

[@rainbeau9752]

don't bother.

[@TravisTennies]

Okay...but I had a narcissistic mother who completely ignored me until I was 16. I guess you only care about women? hmm

[@symonegreen7493]

That’s who it’s for. There are videos for men as well men and woman deal with abandonment by there father