126: When You are Estranged from Your Adult Child: How Did This Happen and How Do We Heal?

“As long as the factors that led your child to create distance remain in place, he or she will not be able to settle into an easy, relaxed, loving, and close relationship with you.”
“What you do in response to estrangement very much matters and can make the difference between a prolonged estrangement and a healed one.”
When children grow into adults, the nature of the parent-child relationship changes as well.
On this episode, I talk with Tina Gilbertson, psychotherapist and author of Reconnecting with your Estranged Child. Her book is a quality, comprehensive resource and guide for parents who are ready and wanting to heal this rift that’s come between themselves and their adult child. Throughout our conversation, Tina offers profound compassion for parents and children with this type of strained relationship, along with tips on how to heal. She explains why it’s essential to allow your child space to grow, why they may have felt the estrangement was necessary, and how parents can reflect on the reasons why this estrangement occurred.

About Tina Gilbertson:
Located in Denver, CO, Tina works as a psychotherapist, speaker, and author of the book Reconnecting with your Estranged Child. She specializes in estrangement counseling, particularly for parents rejected by adult children. In 2019, Tina co-founded the Reconnection Club, where she offers education, community, and support to help estranged parents repair their estranged relationships with their adult children.

Some Questions I Ask:
How were you drawn to this work? (2:43) What does it mean to be estranged from your adult child? (6:38) How does estrangement happen? (13:40) Could you talk about the significance of unmet shared needs between an estranged parent and child? (22:21) What are the do’s and don’ts for a parent with a child who has asserted a no-contact relationship? (34:58) How can an estranged parent approach a child that’s been alienated from them at a young age? (40:50)
In This Episode, You Will Learn:
What motivated Tina to write her book (2:10) How parents still have power and influence within their relationships with their children. (5:58) The various types of estrangement. (6:41) What factors contribute to the estranged relationships between parents and children. (13:47) How estrangement functions as an act of self-preservation. (20:31) How finding self-compassion enables acceptance of others. (26:03) Why contact is not the solution to estrangement. (27:36) How parents can sit with and move through feelings of abandonment, panic, and desperation after a child goes no-contact. (35:14)
Connect with Tina Gilbertson:
Website
Reconnecting with your Estranged Adult Child by Tina Gilbertson
Reconnection Club Website
The Reconnection Club Podcast

[@pokemercenary6511]

Estranged son here. I'm seeing a lot of content about dealing with/fixing estrangement. I haven't seen anything about preventing estrangement and that's a huge problem.

[@appleknocker56]

If we didn’t raise our children like we domesticate animals & allowed especially young children that it’s ok to be open about your feelings & your feelings aren’t right or wrong & this reward or punishment just turns us into our own judge, jury & executioner once our child’s minds have agreed to all the belief’s put into my head by my relatives! Think about it (I didn’t choose my own name, religion was my parents, politics were there’s) & when you say NO, they are still bigger & that’s when you must unlearn all the things you agreed to but it doesn’t feel right for you. If you love someone you must set them free or it’s like trying to keep a butterfly alive inside when they can’t & we love who we love & never forcing anyone to love me when I must do that first for myself..

[@UNbowed62]

@AK M, I’m only speaking below of situations NOT involving sexual, physical, emotional abuse or neglect by parent. These require legal & ultra professional assistance. Even in ideal upbringings, no one is perfect. Not any parent & certainly not any child. Can a child prevent from making an estrangement decision, same as you posed what a parent can prevent? A loving parent can try & be the best as can be. So can an Adult child. Some “kids” are also addicted to toxic “info” on the internet in how to “Go NO Contact”. It’s like a game... Adult children make their own decisions, which they often will blame parents, especially their Mother. Many parents will be blamed for almost anything, if life isn’t roses. Parents forgive children all of their life but does a child forgive a parent for anything he/she deems as misgiving? Also, there are good & bad parents & good & bad kids. If parents tried to reconnect to understand what the issues are, oftentimes the Adult child will not be forthcoming. If they are, then matters can be dealt with & consult with a professional therapist if necessary. Some Adult children live a life where they know their parents won’t approve~like drugs& alcohol, crime & a very wild life. Some choose a godawful, divisive mate over their family. Some are angry bc their life isn’t going well; make poor choices. Some think they should have a paycheck sent every week & grow angry with grievance. Many are just plain spoiled brats & are disrespectful. Some never reach maturity & think it’s cool to ditch their family. Some children have already made a mental “list” of grievances thru out the yrs, yet they’ve never discussed any of this & want to finally make a clean sweep & “punish” the parent. Also some parents can have mental illnesses & decided to raise the children regardless. There is help in Family Services before a child or a parent decides to “Go No Contact”. Best wishes & Godspeed🌈

[@ellyk8834]

@@UNbowed62 You say, "I’m only speaking below of situations NOT involving sexual, physical, emotional abuse or neglect by parent." -- And those are the main reasons why people estrange from their family. The myth that adults estrange from 'good' families is perpetuated by parents who refuse to see their part in estrangement. My 'mom' is one who would perpetuate such a story. I was always "different" as a child (I was diagnosed as Autistic in my early 30's) and was bullied relentlessly. My family were my biggest bullies and that carried to the neighborhood and school when the other kids realized my 'family' would not only NOT stand up/stop the bullying but rather encouraged it, it became daily torment wherever I went. So now into my 40's and I am still Autistic (a diagnosis I don't think they believe/accept) as well as having C-PTSD from childhood trauma. Before I went No Contact I asked my 'mom' if she would be willing to learn about my Autism and other mental health issues so as to help me by not making my symptoms worse. Her reply was, "Well no. Not really." No Contact is not "punishment". I gave my 'mom' a point blank opportunity to look at her behavior around me and her response was to tell me that she had no interest in doing ANYTHING that might help me and my mental health. You say, "Adult children make their own decisions, which they often will blame parents, especially their Mother." -- And this is another gap estranged parents don't grasp. Growing up in unhealthy environments breeds bad decision making as adults because we were not taught what healthy IS and how to make good life choices and often include self-medicating with alcohol or drugs. Humans don't magically wake up at 18 with healthy mental behaviors/attitudes so if they got to adulthood with damage caused by poor parenting blaming THE CHILD is more responsibility dropping by THE PARENT. Why I went No Contact is to end the cycle of abuse. My 'mom' would say, "I didn't do ANYTHING." and my reply is, "Exactly." When given an opportunity to mend the relationship and learn about what was going on in my life, she just couldn't be bothered. She destroyed the relationship and then didn't want to do anything to mend it, so I left.

[@UNbowed62]

@@ellyk8834 , Greetings & thank you so much for your reply. I’m just getting chance to respond because of recent travel to see my brother in nursing home. I’m deeply saddened that your family was not supportive of you & were unwilling to get therapy to understand your diagnosis & acknowledge their failures in protecting & upholding you. 🚫Bullying~NOT accepted. You had to leave for your own sanctitude of survival. I read every word of your reply. If you read again my first paragraph, I explain why I wasn’t referring to sexual abuse, neglect, etc. These terrible abuses indeed, need to be handled legally & professionally. Estrangement from parents can happen for any reason beyond those mentioned. Estrangement comes in such varieties; not just the ones I mentioned (which I wasn’t referring to). I have an older brother who estranged himself from our family after using LSD in the 1960’s. His excuse was: He was still angry that our father wanted us to move out & make our own life. That’s what people did back then. WHO wanted to live forever in their parents home? My old Bro was a spoiled brat! I was merely listing just a few cases. It would be wrong to group everyone’s reasons as being all the same. There are GOOD & BAD parents. You’d be surprised about some of the reasons Adult children go no contact~which never involve the criminal reasons. All parents are not the same; neither are all children. Yes, some parents will say the same things as you’ve sorted out in my post. But please understand~it can mean a different scenario from what each parent is referring to. My estranged son decided to go “no contact” @26 because his first “love” coerced him into thinking that he didn’t need his family, NOR his friends. Just needed “herself”, so she could gold-dig HIS bank account. I merely alerted him to her capabilities. (☝🏽Mother’s Intuition) When his relationship demised~ along with his Cash~he grew pissed & angry that I was correct about her deviate intentions. He was raised lovingly & was a respectful young man, who went to MED School. He also threw away his career. I asked him to please get counseling. He lives 1700 miles away & is now 44 yrs old. I take no responsibility for HIS choices in life. Despite my outreach to him over the past 18 years, he still harbors ill feelings, which need to be addressed by a psychiatrist. If he ever asks me to participate, indeed I would. I wish you safety, peace, resources, understanding & a renewed well being in your life’s journey, Elly K. You’ve come a long way & I’m proud that you took a stand to maintain your soul. Despite the hurt & pain, may God heal & guide you to make great choices in living a wonderful life. You are on Earth for a purpose. 👍🏽❤️☮️

[@marshasweetnovember7482]

Yes, I played a part in it. My ex divorced me for another woman. I asked for joint custody and received it. But, not realizing that Family Court orders are not followed, unless you have a gazillion dollars. My two oldest were too far grown and kept running away to the party house. The youngest stayed with me and is a great kid. He doesn't deserve the lies the other siblings text him. Such as "Mom answers all your texts" nice try but he's almost 19 and I don't look at his phone. "your mom rejected my gift I mailed to you" no, I don't have the mail key, my husband and the youngest sibling have one. Again, nice try. They are hurting my son.

[@denisesmith5912]

My mother alienated me from birth until I was 16. Then she started looking at me with discuss in her eyes. Now in grown, beautiful, very successful, with a great group of friends and a partner who loves me. I realized I didn’t need to take mental abuse from the woman who birthed me anymore. I’m happy, but when I think of her it still hurts. I haven’t spoken to her in two years and my life has flourished.

[@heymcdonald593]

My daughter did it out of the blue. There was no issue at all. We were always close. She got engaged and everything went dark. It is a long story but her now husband and his family literally have traumatized me. They accused us of things that did not happen. My daughter changed literally over night. We still payed for the wedding but she cut us and the whole fam off. I myself had a very toxic mother and I feel I did a good job keeping things balanced. I'm so alone and cry everyday. No one understands some days I want to give up. No one to talk to. I see a therapist but the pain is unbearable.

[@UNbowed62]

Hoping your therapist is helping you. Some Adult children estrange themselves from their families for various reasons. Doesn’t mean it’s always right. One of the most perplexing things is~when their mates influence/CONTROL them into the notion that they don’t need their family. Lots of times, they’ve chosen toxic partners to do this. Nonetheless, you must move on & let go, despite the pain & disappointment. Take pride in the way you’ve raised her; that you were close UNTIL she lost her way to her husband & his cohort family. Concentrate on you & make a good life for yourself. Never give up on you. One day, your daughter may realized the damage she’s done. Until then, live it up! 🏝🌞🌺

[@karlasnyder9856]

I’m so sorry. My daughter has cut me out of her life. I know this hurt. You aren’t alone

[@vuyolwethucocoa2136]

For her it probably wasn't out of the blue. She had probably been suffering with her feelings for a very long time & dropping small hints at you along the way which you perhaps were not cognisant to. I myself am going through the same process with my mother - I'm planning to leave the relationship. Unfortunately, one reaches a point where they must find an alternative to the kind of love they desired elsewhere - for me, I believe it will be with my future husband & family. I hope that you both find peace within yourselves & that someday you can return to each other. I hope I helped to somehow give you perspective.

[@heymcdonald593]

@@vuyolwethucocoa2136 the thing is that no there really weren't any signs at all. I too separated from my mother and I know full well what you are saying because I am that way with my own mother. She was a truly toxic parent and as a result I did everything in my power to not be toxic with my own children. Also, I am a pretty extreme empath. So I am very very attune to others feelings and emotions. My other children and I have good relationships as we did our best to raise all of them in a mentally healthy and stable household. Not perfect but communication is done in a healthy and respectful way and emotions are handled worh care because I didn't want them to grow up tge way I did. Normally I would probably say the same thing you did but this was so different. It truly was out of the blue and extremely outlandish lies she said were very very odd and extremely out of character for her. Maybe someday if we speak I will see it differently and realize there were signs but as for now everyone that knows my family is very confused by all of it.

[@UNbowed62]

@@vuyolwethucocoa2136, Sorry you’ve decided to “replace”👀 your Maternal Relationship…with that of your “future husband”.🧐 Wishing you the best dear. Seek counseling to learn~THATS NO MATCH & is a callous decision you will regret. If your mother needs help, help her seek counseling along with you. Nothing nor none can replace your maternal bond, whether you say it’s good OR bad. It takes 2 in ANY relationship. For one to be “dropping small hints”, shows outright lack of maturity, whereas adult communication IS required & helps in solving issues. ➡️Husbands WILL BE “dropping hints” all over the place~doesn’t mean those “hints” are at all valid, OR JUST. You are blindly venturing into THE Unknown, as far as marriage, trying to replace your mother.🤣 When you have problems in the marriage & you will~ should you seek counseling to try & resolve issues, just think abt how you may not have given the Woman who gave birth 2 U~the same benefit. And wait until you become a mother. That’s a new take. HA!

[@karlasnyder9856]

I m in this place w my youngest daughter. It is the most painful hurt I’ve ever experienced. I have no idea why. We were always close until she was around 20 or 21. She’s 30 now. I don t ask why. I honor her boundary. I suffer greatly over this so this podcast is helpful. Thot I was alone

[@mimimiller763]

Many personality disorders start around 19 or close to that .I went through the same thing Her good memories are going away and she's overshadowing with negative. The part that makes me sad is it wasn't directly with me it was with my ex but she blamed me even though I left him.

[@margokerby1533]

Sometimes we just need to cut our losses and move on. Life is too short to wait around for another person to want to talk. Sometimes there is mental illness. Sometime they have joined a cult and are brainwashed. So many scenarios and so little time. No more asking "Why" - just get closure and enjoy the rest of your life. Hope this helps someone.

[@MJ-my9sg]

Agree

[@mojo4293]

@@MJ-my9sg Sad, but True. I've wasted 8 years. WTF LOL Thanks!

[@caseyf9697]

I had 7 years of hell trying to mend things....1 year ago I told her I was done....now I feel at peace

[@franettesparks9949]

12 years for me and I'm still trying smh.

[@jardemooreb4100]

Yep, that's the way to go...

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I'm in therapy because my mother will not or cannot acknowledge that she hurt me. It seems to be a core belief of hers that this isn't *possible* I asked her to stop projecting ''paranoid'' on to me 20 months ago and like every time before, she threw herself up on the cross, the victim of me! My hurt was minimised by her to a petty ''grudge'' but hers caused by my telling her that she hurt me, now that is real pain! I just cannot get through to her that this is so illogical. All I want from her is that she just acknowledges that she hurt me. But she cannot do it. All of the defence mechanisms that protect her from ever sitting with an uncomfortable thought erode me though. I have to give up. I have to accept that this is who she is. Painful though it is. I've spent nearly two years hoping that she'll acknowledge that she hurt me but she has just stonewalled me to avoid any conversation. She won't talk to me but she has trashed me to all the relatives. I feel it's just all too much to forgive now. Every time I feel a bit of acceptance, she's hurt me again in some new way. I have to cut my losses.

[@vivdoolan6846]

What a parent feels and what their child experiences are two different things. They can say they love their child but their actions will tell a different story . The child is not a mind reader so all we have to go on is the actions and behaviours. If the actions are incongruent with love, then the ch9ld will not feel loved. I told my parents very clearly what the issue was but they gaslit me and erased everything I said then gaslit again saying they didnt understand which erased me further. The problem was too simple and too clearly communicated to not be understood but to protect the ego/ narc injury it was better to simply erase me than acknowledge what I was saying . In erasing me, they ruined the communication and trust in the relationship and the erasing abuse could no longer be tolerated. Estrangement was going to be better than continuing to experience the abuse.

[@McGuire123100]

You are living MY experience. You are TOTALLY CORRECT. Thank you for the validation. Much love to you....from another who knows.....

[@ddhqj2023]

Valid as your experience is, do you at least recognize that there are myriad other experiences in this issue, where the parent is not the villain and where the AC may not be the hard done by victim that he/she believes themselves to be?

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Yes, exact same, I have told my mother precisely what hurt me and yet she says back to me ''why have you got a grudge against me, it makes no sense'' so showing me that she has 1) minimised my pain to a mere grudge and 2) also not listened at all. It is MORE pain on top of the first lot of pain that she just will not hear me. The relatives have all heard how awful I am. They have talked about me ad infinitum but stonewalled me utterly. There absolutely intransigent position is that I must accept their perception of me as ''paranoid'' and I cannot step out of that, cannot ask them to cease labelling me. My father went to a psychiatric hospital with depression and paranoia a couple of times and I asked him did he think it was fair that I emerged in the narrative with the label of paranoid. I never got an answer. All I got was silence and more labels. Now I am ''abusive'' apparently.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

You really articulated this so very well. I just feel so erased. All of the defence mechanisms that protect their ego come at my expense and I cannot tolerate being so eroded. My mum and dad have each other and ALWAYS back each other up, so there's never any self-reflection or growth. I'm on my own and I need to heal and not re-open all the original wounds.

[@ellyk8834]

@@SusanaXpeace2u I hear you. Everyone sees your 'abuse' toward your family but the bar for you 'abusing' can be as low as ending contact. However, you can describe incidences of physical abuse and lots of examples of emotional abuse but... **crickets** or people will see a firm foot down boundary being maintained but not even asked what action created that response from you. It's the community Scapegoating of you are just not allowed any reaction or allowed to enact a consequence against a parent that they don't like regardless of what is said or done to you.

[@LauraVee63]

My only daughter, age 35, has been estranged for nearly 4 years. I was invited to her wedding just 5 months ago in another state. I wasn't invited to her home and she didn't spend one minute with me alone. It was heartbreaking being a mother of the bride and being treated as a regular guest. She recently sent me a text message saying she's pregant and due in 2020 while also stating in the same text that she "didn't have time to talk" but wanted to share the information with me. Her new husband and family are well-to-do and I am not. I believe she's always resented the fact that her mother wasn't a wealthy woman. I'm perplexed as too the reasons day after day and recognize I have to stop beating myself up.

[@thenightporter]

It's pretty simple: In ANY kind of a relationship do NOT invalidate someone's feelings by saying they have no right to the feelings they have. Don't shut the other person down. You don't have to agree with anything they said; just letting someone tell you how they feel helps. You don't have to agree with their perception but PLEASE let them speak. Don't just say, " I'm sorry you feel that way" because that sounds dismissive of their feelings and, depending on the tone it sounds like "you have no right to feel that way but I just want to get out of this conversation." You can say, "I am sorry you are upset. I don't want you to hurt." And then, even if you think the other person is overreacting or has imagined the hurt, say "I want to really think about what you said." And then do just that. And if you think somebody was overreacting, that's fine. But ask them "what did I do or did not do that makes you feel that way?" Then hear them out. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe you said something that you don't think was wrong but when the other person tells you how it made them feel you are surprised and upset to learn that they completely misinterpreted what you said and needlessly felt hurt. But you will never know if you don't talk about it. If the other person refuses to talk to you and you haven't invalidated or shut them out previously then I feel bad you are in your situation, but a lot of times we have done exactly that and each time we do that, it costs the other person mentally and emotionally and they just can't do it anymore because it's just like Charlie Brown and Lucy with that football. -- you hope that this time they will listen and empathize (let you kick the football) but like Lucy with that football, each time, she pulls the football away and won't let you kick it (won't let you share their feelings). Each time you land on your back (emotionally rejected/invalidated/driven into further depression because you have had your mental health chipped away at even more).

[@jcp5890]

The real problem is people are just mean as hell and don't care about anyone but themselves.

[@johnthemaestro4449]

thats a simple yet true statement

[@ellepollauf4104]

Not really, someone upholding boundaries is not mean. It's about their comfort.

[@ddhqj2023]

@@ellepollauf4104 I guess that's how people justify all kinds of interpersonal cruelties I suppose. 'I'm not comfortable so I don't have to be nice/kind/decent to you anymore'.

[@ellepollauf4104]

@@ddhqj2023 it's clear to me you're defensive of others having their own personal Boundaries. Which makes you toxic. Boundaries are healthy and appropriate.

[@ddhqj2023]

@@ellepollauf4104 You have to tell me where you bought your crystal ball or were you born with the gift of second sight because you know me so well. What strikes me as very telling about you, on a video designed to help hurting people, you decide to chime in by hurting people again. How completely toxic of you. Because you decide you are within your rights to do this to people who you really don't know, it would not be at all surprising if somewhere down the road, your own kid does the same to you. You've demonstrated that you have no heart, you enjoy bashing people when they're already down and you're willing to take advantage of anonymity. Your kid(s) will pick up on that and they'll either dump you, or they'll turn into the same kind of people who get a charge out of abusing. Or maybe both. Don't get me wrong, I totally recognize that some parents are awful and should never have had children. But not all of us are and we loved our kids more than we loved ourselves. But the truth is, even those kids we loved are humans and it truly might be them, not us. You are the evidence that humans can be deliberately hurtful.

[@beautifuldayzee5942]

"How did this happen and how do we heal?" Well first of all, I'm half way through this video, and 'Parental Alienation' has not once been mentioned so far. Yet literally millions of people are alienated from their children by the children's other, personality disordered, parent - but many people do not recognise that, and assume that if a child, adult or otherwise, avoids contact with one of their parents, then that parent they're avoiding MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, MUST BE INADEQUATE IN SOME WAY... and nothing could be further from the truth. Alienating parents almost always have a Cluster B personality disorder, usually either Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. And these personality-disordered alienating parents turn their children against the children's other parent, often from a very early age. Divorce or separation is what most commonly triggers these types of disordered parents, and they become determined to destroy the children's relationship with the other parent. And their determination pays off. They literally brainwash their children to reject or hate the other parent, and if the child does not get help/therapy for this, it may never be possible for them to re-connect with their alienated parent

[@lindacianchetti3599]

I’m that parent who once was the closer parent ...until divorce.

[@vivdoolan6846]

Its discussed in the video ......not sure why there was an expectation it should be in the first half ...its in the second half ;)

[@ddhqj2023]

Great job at generalizing the shit out of this situation and making it all about situations like you must have come out of. Another masterful effort at blaming the parents. All I can say is, I hope you get first hand experience at being discarded by someone you loved and cherished. Sometimes that's what it takes to develop empathy, walking a mile in someone else's shoes. Would give you some needed character growth.

[@rebelelf8332]

@beautifulday Every narcissist has a parent. So, I am in your shoes except my mom passed while I was nc. Now my adult child is low c (I think) with me and I suspect mental issues but I can’t diagnose him. He was subjected to trauma and uprooted as a child. I am hurting in the silence,. Please remember that not every estrangement is the result of repeated assault by a npd parent, bi-polar parent or otherwise. I was trying to set healthy boundaries with borrowing money and explosive outbursts and he reacted with silence.

[@ddhqj2023]

@@rebelelf8332 Some folks like to blame parents always for the estrangement. But as you just pointed out, sometimes it's the kids perceptions that are skewed. Our girls both had great childhoods, we loved them, were always fair and loving......didn't matter with one of them and she dumped us at 37! Took that long to figure out that she didn't want us around so we can't have been that bad. The other daughter is still one of our best friends, so who knows what goes on in some peoples minds. Hope you're getting over all this. Tears your heart apart in the beginning doesn't it?

[@elizabethcusano137]

Thank you I am struggling with estrangement from my son. He was a very difficult angry child, we adopted him at 6 weeks old. He grew into a very angry young man. My ex husband was not able to control his anger there were physical altercations between my son and husband. We divorced. My son blames me for the divorce and cannot accept I have someone else in my life. He screamed and yelled at me on several occasions and threatened physical violence. I had to ask him to leave my home. I was his person I put the pieces together with him , got him a good therapist offered to go with him as did my ex husband. It has been a year of no contact could not go to his graduation from college and he is best buddies with his father. Go figure

[@Dina-ng9gf]

As an estranged parent, the way I found peace is through my belief in G-D. He has told me that my grown children are not mine and I don’t need to worry about them anymore. He showed my the beauty of life and opened many doors that I didn’t think were possible for me… I enjoy other people’s children, and nieces nephews’s children who are eager that I’ll be part of their lives. I learned that this was an enormous opportunity for growth. I’m filled with gratitude.

[@whizbang7130]

God

[@marthacochrane484]

That was such a wise message.........some people say that our 'contract' with our earth family is different from our soul family........and in Kahil Gabrin books he says,,,,,,'Your children are not your own'................I am also an estranged parent......but I have now reached a point where I really don't know if I want them in my life.......our paths have gone very different ways........I live in another country.......but I believe you have hit the holy grail with that message.........May many blessings come your way..........

[@sylviarochelleamaro5888]

Hello Estranged parent. We as loving parents forget that after our children grow up our day dreams are over. Especially these days children and most grandchildren are not what we dream they would be😧 It’s so difficult to find the perfect place for your love and heart 🥹 At times we allow this separation to really hurt, I think that most of that pain comes from our own childhoods. What keeps this pain going is our inability to give ourselves the gratitude we deserve by being more loving deeply and caring to ourselves. You are free to be you! In The Profit Khalil Gibran tells of children. May give you standing strength to give to yourself the healing you need and deserve. Love one of the same! 🎻✝️☮️🎆

[@MaryellenS.13]

If you have no idea of the problem? How do you fix it?

[@amandakropen3273]

I chose MYSELF over being devalued and abused. I was disowned. The will was written wrong and I still got the house. :) Glad she used the imbecile cousin who ALMOST made it as an attorney. God really does look out for us. :)

[@ShazWag]

All this "individuation" and "individualism" and "personal growth" is very different between generations, and it's also very different between individualistic versus collective societies. This tells you there are so many cultural influences at play. These days, social media is a huge influence - particularly encouraging people to simply 'cut off' and 'walk away' from so-called 'toxic' people. It teaches people to not take any responsibility. This way, you will end up with a sea of superficial relationships but will have cultivated none. There's also a ridiculous number of people labelling others as narcissists, when they don't really understand what a true narcissist is. Not only that, at the heart of true narcism is intense vulnerability - which may require empathy and understanding. Nobody's perfect. There IS no "perfect", nor is there a constant state. These days, if someone does or says something you dislike the instant "solution" is SNIP - AND THEY'RE GONE! Problem seemingly solved, but with a huge destructive effect on those who love you.

[@cherilynturner9167]

I’ve given up as I’ve always been the one to forgive & obviously my kids listen to other people & were paid off so I’m done with this part of my life! I wish my parents lived in this generation so they could have given me the time of day! It took me being an adult before my parents even kissed me & said they loved me! I grew up with being spanked with a belt, children are to be seen not heard! I’m so over parenting, all this stuff doesn’t mean anything!

[@CamperEra]

My family life was very similar. I determined early on that I would do things differently. I worked at being the best I could be at letting my children know that I loved them. There are always going to be struggles, naturally. Ironically I ended up with a daughter who acts just like my mother did. Lol sometimes I can’t win for losing! Do the things you know are right. We only have control over ourselves. Give the other people up to God and trust Him for them. Go live your life and be thankful one day at a time.

[@appleknocker56]

Feel my parents (due to generations) of closed off “emotions” were not able to them pass on to me the needed “open” communication without the “shaming” which starts in children (as soon as realize doing gets me attention). However; feel once a person reaches a certain age “blaming” any parent for “not knowing” is then no longer my issue but theirs & time now for me to stay in present moment & breath deep 👌🏽..

[@ddhqj2023]

@@CamperEra My experience was a lot like yours. And I completely recognized your statement ' I ended up with a daughter who acts just like my mother did. ' So True!

[@sylviarochelleamaro5888]

Your words are mine... corporal punishment and withholding Love. I Hear you 🥰 and I meet disaster early in my once young life..now old I still hurt... and suffer without Love and family 🌻

[@traceymcconville2470]

Sylvia R. Amaro - Bless You Honey - You’re Not Alone - Find Something To Do That Makes You Happy And You Will Find Others Who Have Similar Interests To Bring Into Your Life ❤️

[@dinakur]

Thank you for bringing this topic out. Such a never spoken issue. 🙏

[@babecakesi8123]

No, the adult child tells their friends what they want to hear. ...Also their mates. And that's and added strained..

[@lisetsantos6250]

She assumes all parents love their children, it is not the case. My mother never loved me, I always knew it, always, since I was a little girl, but people tried to convince me otherwise because "all mothers love..". You know and you feel when you are loved, you are not stupid.. At 40 I could not take it anymore, no contact. She is alleviated without my presence, does not have to fake it anymore.

[@boubella11]

She did say that if you had a good healthy relationship with your child it can be retrieved. I dont think she is speaking about really toxic parents or abusive parents.

[@misstmemrs]

She is wrong. Parents do not have complete power with children. There are many influences.

[@misstmemrs]

There are children who are hated and the family teaches their children to hate. It’s not that they dint feel loved but that the parents love doesn’t matter. They can have a fantasy bond with another family member. Invested children in inarticulate can be very loyal to the molestor and carry the feelings if the molestor or alcoholic and act out the family drama. Hating the family scapegoat. Very common for children to parrot the abuser and act out the rigid roles the chief control freaks define. Some families are like covert gang wars. Especially if there is interracial marriage. Sociopaths are brilliant emotional manipulators and direct hatred and abuse at targets very effectively.

[@misstmemrs]

The child may feel responsible for not hurting other family members by loving the parent. Sadistic sociopaths with morbid jealousy and self pity are hell bent on children hating and abusing their scapegoat.

[@laraantipova389]

I always felt like my mother didn’t love me too. I started writing down that my mother hated me at 6 in my diary. It would make her so mad and she was always angry. She would freak out and beat the crap out of me. Then she would care for me until she got resentful and lashed out again. Sham started using street drugs and left me with my grandparents who I felt love me deeply. Now my grandparents are passed on and I do whatever I can to stay away from her. We have not spoken in ~4 years with very little contact for ~12 years.

[@candaceorr7517]

Most adult child estrangement is caused by third parties. Your new daughter-in-law, your ex-spouse, a jealous family member like a sister who wants your life. The rest of estranged adult children are drug/alcohol addicted, and that is actually a type of third party. Then there is the adult child who is failing at life, or involved in a cult, etc., and a few were abused growing up, but third parties are prevalent in estrangement. A lot of estranged adult children (EC's) don't recognize fully the control their spouse or other third party has over them, at least at first. We are seeing this play out in public in the case of Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan.

[@whizbang7130]

I also believe social media has a lot to do with it.

[@Bar_Bar27]

Lol a "few". Most is because of abuse in childhood, stop trying to blame it on the outside. Also, all these "third party reasons" are actually the results of having a childhood trauma. So most of estranged children is because of a serious childhood abuse continuing into adulthood, emotional, mental/psychological abuse. Stop lying and excusing

[@candaceorr7517]

@@Bar_Bar27 Abuse in Childhood? Yes, Some but not most. A lot of parents are getting abused by their adult children. What do you think being cut off with no reason is? If the truth be told, many parents of estranged adult children were on the permissive side because of the parenting they were taught by the so-called experts of the time. Dr. Spock is one example. Those parents have given more time and energy along with wealth to their kids more than any generation before them. Those parents did not invent the "cancel culture." They are the victims of it. Who is creating social media groups like Reddit in order to instruct, support, and encourage young adults to cut off their parents? Come on, parents look into these things to know what is going on because too many of those cutting off their parents are using the same tactics. The evidence strongly suggests this is an epidemic of your generation and you have not thought it through well at all. The social and economic impact it will cause on your generation will be terrible. Estranged parents now in the millions are not going to pass on their wealth in an inheritance and if that is not enough, the influence family estrangement has on society will have repercussions for generations to come. You did it to yourselves and you won't get much sympathy.

[@heidismith8829]

Thank you. This program was very informative. I am currently going through many of the estrangement scenarios you spoke about.

[@indianagirl500]

I experienced guilt, shame and it truly hurt mentally. It is something I am healing within

[@vettechsrule]

My father was horrible to me. I mourned this for years. Just recently, I realized how much he taught me. I realize he felt very pressured to make sure he taught me well, prepared me for the "real world" he was always talking about. The "real world" is tough, but never as hard as he was on me. I honestly think he was worried that he was never doing a good enough job. The horrors he lived through were so much more horrible than my life.

[@wynettegreer3812]

The most heartbreaking thing we can go through there is nothing they can do

[@wynettegreer3812]

Some people live too long , , I don’t believe you are needed anymore, they will be more comfortable when they don’t have to give you time, , and they really don’t give time, all would be ok if you are not here

[@helenaleahy9396]

Well you are not alone and emotionally drained specially when your adult child tell you" get therapy and you will figure up why I am not close to you " You want scream with pain !!

[@twinsoultarot473]

Since I didn't put my daughter first when she was little and needed me the most - how will she ever heal from the awful unloving way I treated her? It's her that I am concerned about. No t me.

[@laurareynolds8605]

Same here

[@twinsoultarot473]

@@laurareynolds8605 I feel so much guilt - I'm ready to go back in time and fix it all. I'm seriously researching going back in time.

[@laurareynolds8605]

@@twinsoultarot473 unfortunately we can’t do that. All we can do is become a better version of ourselves, apologize for hurting them and move on. Still learning, but have made progress.

[@etaokha4164]

My relationship with my mother growing up has always been estranged. I moved on with my life and didn't bother wanting a relationship with her anymore. My mother is a wounded child whom her parents were never available to give love or teach her to love. Most of the things I know today I taught myself and it made me grow independently too One time took my mother for coffee and felt like strangers other people talk nicely about their mother but I can never relate like ever.

[@CM-sy3to]

Try. Visit. Call. Say "I love you" Invte her to Sunday dinner each week.

[@awesomelydifferent]

Around minute 40:40 where you mention exceptions to break no contact request, I can say that it is not always the case. I was neglected all my life, and I got to a breaking point in which I want no contact at all with my parent. I want her to respect that I want nothing to do with her ever again. So that is not the case. In my case, I relapse into depression every time she reaches out.

[@annelowe2691]

‘The straw that breaks the Camels back’. So I’ve been doing it wrong the whole time? My 37 year old daughter never wanted me out of her sight from baby. She was and still is co dependent, completely different to me. I’m independent and have always worked as a solo mother. She has never forgiven me. Our relationship has always been hot and cold on her terms. I’ve always been there for her with love and care but not in the way she thought it should be. She is married with 4 children. Her husband very committed and extremely head strong with his opinions. After my grandchildren were born, my daughter assumed I would (I think) redeem the deficit she felt she had with me. If you have a career and children, from my experience, it’s like attempting to blend oil and water. I’m exhausted, gutted and now deeply depressed.

[@TayandTonyaHarvey]

Thank you, I needed this.

[@ratso4443]

I was estranged from my mother for 17 years, which I consider to be extremely healing and productive years for me. I threw in the towel at 39. Anyway, I got in touch with her after I gave my life to Christ because the Bible says you must forgive in order to be forgiven (I.e. you will reap what you sow) Putting Jesus first in my life has made all the difference. It’s no longer between me and her, it’s between me and Him. God bless.

[@rosevivo9387]

Bless you 🙏

[@diademglow3429]

You just insulted her and still have no love or respect. May e you need forgiving.

[@ratso4443]

@@diademglow3429 I always need forgiving. God bless.

[@diademglow3429]

@@ratso4443 Would you take a moment to think about how your mother would feel if she read that. It would cut her like a knife in case you dont know. I can assure you that 99 % of the mothers out there love their children. I am sure the Holy Spirit will guide you into all truth as He wants you to know love.

[@cairolandyn1611]

I guess it's pretty off topic but does anybody know a good site to stream new movies online?

[@susansampson1146]

So incredibly HELPFUL andctimely for me. Many thanks!!

[@donkykong1823]

You MUST include men in the title. This is far from just a mother's pain. We men need to feel welcome in this conversation. Stop gender segregation. We men have a hard enough time sharing our feelings, without it. You may be surprised by how much gender co-operation can help heal this horrible phenomenan.

[@elysianfields8461]

Hi Donky Kong! Try Tina's youtube channel directly @ "Reconnection Club". She has an excellent vid series on Estrangement there. Hope it better suits. Best wishes!

[@donkykong1823]

@@elysianfields8461 Thank you! Yeah, I was just emotional. Women have every right to have "Girl Talk". It's just been frustrating to see an ocean of help for women, and very little for me. It makes my pain hurt even deeper. I will check out your suggestion, when I'm not so damn exhausted. I'll let you know how it goes! You helped me already. I don't feel alone ❤️

[@elysianfields8461]

@@donkykong1823 It's definately a painful/isolating issue and I truly understand! Yeah, I'm trying hard to find resources myself..it's all round tough! So by all means, do keep in touch!..we can share notes, lol. Get some good rest! Keep me posted. ✌

[@donkykong1823]

@@elysianfields8461 I just changed my phone number and email address. Daughter can't abuse me anymore 😭 THAT has worked wonders for pain. Boundaries and a fresh safe start were my last resort, but the only thing that worked permanently.

[@UNbowed62]

Donkey Kong, men are included in a subliminal way. It’s just that we women talk more on the subject. Hope you find healing & peace🤗

[@sharonnugent408]

I started therapy at age 29 I am now 79 years of age. Ive had many breakthroughs and spiritual awakening I've used every approach to mind body, mental and emotional and relationship health, including medication. Individuating. Grief and 12 step programs. Vitamins, diet sleep hygiene reading learning, dream work and faith family, volunteer work, giving gifts to homeless because my children don't want gifts from me Yes at least one of my 3 adult children seems to be very self centered and self medicate with wine and beer Ive gone on with my life after 3 years of profound grief and dispair. Im alright now with a satisfying meaingful life. I never dreamed I would not have my adult children in my life. .

[@jennh.9325]

There's not alot that can bother you after going through this.

[@mojo4293]

I say the same thing. I’m sorry you’re experiencing the same pain. Heal and enjoy the rest of your life. We did our best.

[@donnafields745]

I have a 34 year old son. He is not married. He has no contact with me for the past 3 years. My ex husband doesn’t help things. I am also doing my living trust. I really don’t want to give him anything. I keep saying to myself if he does not love me when I am alive than why should he benefit from my death I don’t know where he lives, he has me blocked in every way so he totally has let me not in his life What would you do.

[@mojo4293]

@@donnafields745 I have the same situation and I'm not leaving them a thing. Leaving it to charity. My daughters are 31 and 33. I don't think they want a thing from me so that works. My ex-husband has caused a lot of problems as well. Move on and enjoy the rest of your life. I'm here if you ever want to chat. ~Mo

[@donnafields745]

@@mojo4293 thank you I think I am going through a grieving process. I know I have to let go completely but my heart still has the knife

[@mojo4293]

@@donnafields745 mine too and I want to cry for you as well. What the Hell.

[@robynlund8317]

Sometimes the parents choose it after so much abuse. This is being overlooked. Some children are actually narcissist but are genetically or for whatever reason, and they never become fully adult.

[@diademglow3429]

I have never been more abused and hated for the most unreasonable reasons by anyone more than my child. Therapist have had a huge hand in this by bolstering their narcissistic behavior with endless sympathy. Its end times doctrines of demons. No worries, as soon as money is needed, I will get my parental visit.

[@sunflowerzelda45]

yes, when he needs money or place to stay i hear from him. changed ph # no more. But it all still hurts me.

[@nancyrentas443]

My child abused me physically and mentally I was afraid to even confront her she beat my younger child and always cursed at her brother when she went off to college I was so relieved but she would come home to visit and tell me I was stupid and crazy I got enough courage one day to tell her don’t come for a while until she straightened out her issues she went and told everyone I was crazy and abusive and she got so much attention from teachers and friends and family. I don’t speak to her anymore because now I am battling an illness caused by stress but I am not the same I am always depressed and afraid to go out now

[@sherrymiller4760]

I agree way over looked. Yes sometimes a parent leaves.

[@keeneileenb9706]

@dani cali Unless the parent themselves are the reason and are narcissistic themselves

[@kimlnguyen4126]

Thanks you very much Elysian Fields . I have found Tina’s KZbin and listen 3 advices from her . Thanks you ,

[@lovetolearn881]

So many of us wish we had distanced ourselves from a controlling parent. I'm glad to see so many adult children protecting themselves. I'm sorry for the parents who have mentally ill, narcissistic children who have lost them through no fault of their own as well. That does not discount that the movement of people to protect themselves and their one precious life, not allowing an overbearing rejecting parent to live through them, is a step forwardfor humanity. The parent may not have the mental ability to have the insight that they are destroying their own child no matter how many attempts the child makes to ask for the abuse to stop. That does not mean the child has no right to save themselves. Most often these parents are not open to any conversation where it is even inferred they are anything but perfect and 100% correct at all times in all ways. This is a brain disorder and it's tragic. The child sacrificing themselves will neither make the relationship between them better nor save their parent.

[@CamperEra]

Thank you so much My first time here I needed this desperately I wish I could find a therapist like Ms Gilbertson

[@angiesantiago5759]

Me too 😥

[@cherilynturner9167]

Sometimes you have to be your own therapist but I still would search for a good therapist. Check out Utube videos & put in search words that would pertain to your situation. Meanwhile love yourself & expand your network of friends! That is so important!!! Good lucky!!!

[@CamperEra]

@@cherilynturner9167 I’ve been to a couple different therapists in the last six months. Not much help really. But I’ve watched a lot of KZbin videos. Leslie Vernick is great. Dr Ramani too Lysa TerKeurst Dr David E Clarke Med Circle Focus on the Family a few that keep me grounded.

[@cherilynturner9167]

@@CamperEra Hi! I didn’t mean to act so cruel but my daughter moved to Dallas almost 3 years ago! She & her husband got divorced & she hasn’t talked to me for almost 3 years! I don’t see my little granddaughters & I was so hurt!!! Finally, I realized I’ll probably never see them again & I became angry at her! She had so much love growing up & basically everything she wanted ! Now suddenly she blames me for everything I assume which is a joke!!! Anyway, I have to move on & I finally realized I can’t live a life of sadness so I’m working really hard on making my own life!!! I’m glad you’re doing that as well & make memories for YOURSELF! Who knows what the future brings & maybe they’ll be back & maybe not so start LIVING NOW! Much Love to you BRAVE lady!!!😍

[@CamperEra]

@@cherilynturner9167 My daughter lives in Dallas too. I wonder if they know each other, lol. My Granddaughter is almost 17. She’s finally away from her Mom and with her Dad. She didn’t get to meet him until she was almost 14. I spent many years tracking them all over TX. I had my granddaughter for a few years off and on, and then her mom took her in the middle of 1st grade. Now she’s a Junior in high school. I can’t say where exactly for her safety from her mom trying to kidnap her. Craziness. I’m still having trouble finding a good therapist! I had a good one but he retired and breaking in a new one is downright exhausting. I don’t have any contact with my Daughter, on purpose. She tries occasionally. I feel like an awful person for the no contact, but it’s the only way to keep any semblance of sanity in my life. She blames me for everything. All I can or will do for her is PRAY.

[@christinewright2829]

But how do I reconnect with my children when I am dealing with parental alienation and that parent who caused this is still alive?

[@cherilynturner9167]

I know this may hurt. U have to somehow get used to the idea that your children are alienating you! Make your own life easier & face the facts! Get involved with other people. Perhaps move to an active adult community where it’s easier to make friends. Get involved with life & I guarantee life will get easier & you will have peace! Blessings for you!

[@droolies7079]

You don’t reconnect with your children. You have been disposed of. You can’t fix it. If it’s ever fixed - it’s not going to be you that makes any difference. I know that’s not easy or what you wanted to hear but it’s best you get real facts and not rainbows.

[@appleknocker56]

That is my situation exactly & there is no changing the situation (except how I allow it to affect me) as person who felt “they” were my children’s mother is still alive & used her money to make sure would have to be “still in control” of many family members even with serve dementia! No one can “fix” this one but me & I don’t want to live in rage & hate so sometimes you must just let go & don’t even try to go into the “future” what could, maybe, might happen as all I have is this moment.

[@therocknrollcook]

@@cherilynturner9167 thx for this. I’m reading it and in same boat. . Must embrace your wisdom. .

[@t5l239]

My Mother has multiple personalities. One of them Hates me. Unknowingly she purposefully would plot against me. Growing up was a Mind Bend to say the least. I persevered through and have constantly tried to have a relationship with her. Not in my Wildest Dream would I believe my adult daughter would cut me off as she has. I was one of those parents that definitely did better than my parents at raising my children. The rest of my children are very loving and respectful. So here I am learning from this very thoughtful podcast.

[@annharrison3905]

I never receive phone calls, just texts. I would love to receive a phone call and hear her voice. Mine started when I divorced her Father, I believe he had something to do with it. I didn't feel loved by my parents, Maybe that has something to do with it. I do love my daughter, but I don't like the woman she has become. We never spoke for 6 months, until I had to go into hospital for a short stay, and I needed someone who was a "next of kin" which was her, so I had to contact her She comes on Mothers Day with a card etc.for half-an-hour, I sometimes wish she wouldn't sometimes. As I never see her at Christmas, and I am left on my own. I've no partner so there is no-one else. She is 43 with two teenage children, so hardly a rebellious teenager. I must be really awful, even her husband won't speak to me. They go abroad at Christmas, they'd rather go on holiday spend than be with me.

[@vivdoolan6846]

Ann... what are YOU doing to communicate in the relationship? From your write up all you are doing is moaning about all of your daughters communication with you ....but where is your communication to her ? Theres no mention of it at all which would suggest you are totally passive and just waiting for it all to happen for you unless tgre is more go the story. If you get a text, it means you have her number, if you have her number you can call her. A relationship is a two way thing ....

[@margokerby1533]

Ann - I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can identify with your pain because I have experienced a similar situation with my own daughter who is 42. I have worked through the stages of grief and have decided that parenting is only one of the many phases of our lives and that phase is behind us because that is what our daughters chose. We are multi-faceted and we need to find like minded friends to support and be supported. It's interesting that you mentioned you didn't feel loved by your own parents because sometimes our children pick up on that. If they notice that our own parents don't value us, they assume we are not valuable. Well, you are valuable. Regarding texting, I only respond to phone calls and it may take me several days to respond because I have a life and I'm busy too, and I don't have a lot of time to chit chat either. What's good for the goose ... Hope I've cheered you up and gave you some good ideas. Remember that you are worthy of love and respect and you may need to obtain love & respect outside of family. Take care of you.

[@appleknocker56]

At this point (her being 43) and mine is 40, found only way for me to be a more content person was to put myself first (something I had not done in 38 years)! Reunification could happen but all I have is this moment & hope you can find peace of mind with this very emotional issue.

[@merightin]

Unfortunately alot of communication is by text only these days, even if the relationship isn't damaged, so actually you are quite lucky to receive them. Maybe you can think about what you would like from your relationship and text her back and ask if you can have a coffee and chat together?

[@brandoncruise6398]

My story might be a little different than others here, but when it comes to estrangement for me, the reasons are often not talked about by professionals. My mother has always had two very different extremes that didn’t for the longest time leave enough room for the kind of love that it takes to raise two children. One part of it is because of her natural rebellious nature; stubbornness does run in a part of our family. When she entered into her second marriage it turned extremely abusive emotionally, spiritually, and physically. This was also back in the 80s when the effects of abuse were not well known. Like mini survivors, after running away she went from that position of being completely helpless to the other extreme of being completely in control. Unfortunately she never sought the help she needed in order to psychologically get back on the right side of life. She spiraled downwards, becoming bitter and angry, screaming at my grandparents at the top of her lungs and placing all blame on them. Romantic relationships came and went like dust in the wind, my sister and I going along for the ride. A terrible ride. Her anger got worse after my grandparents got custody of us kids. I still remember seeing my strong grandfather breaking into tears when being on the phone with her. The beginning of each visitation felt very much like cold stone, an uncomfortable position for any child of any age. I was scared of her anger (and of being lost) and became very shelled in. When I lived with my dad, he was physically there but never really there. Years later my mother regained custody of me, and while her anger Issues subsided a little, which created room for healing, many destructive outbursts and subtly controlling behaviors resided. As an adult, I’ve had to put up barriers, which she often found her way around. She is a force of nature when it comes to not taking no for an answer, including what she thinks is right for us kids, whether or not we agree. Thankfully, the military gave me the confidence I never got at home. During those turbulent years art and the outdoors became passions of mine since they allowed me to express myself. But more importantly, my grandparents took the time to show and teach me how to truly live, love and forgive.

[@melodydonovan7884]

I feel so disappointed in my daughters treatment. 37 years I have protected and doted on her. Her father left us when she was 8 months. My dad left my mother when I was 2. All our lives I felt she was cut off from me. We were never really closely bonded. This constant fight rears up and I insist she just can’t be straight or honest and she blames me and says it’s my fault. I am elderly now and I am exhausted and so hurt. She married a Greek man and had a baby. She lied to me that she won’t go Greek Orthodox because she loves her Christianity but she lied. Her and the greek family cut me out totally on babies first blessing in greek church, I can’t go on with her anymore. I am tired. I am confused. I have been used, manipulated and bad mouthed and now everyone dislikes me.

[@codes8575]

She didn't lie about her Greek orthodox / Christianity ... she changed her mind. Excercised HER FREE WILL... And converted to BELONG... where she WAS LOBED accepted included. Involved. The opposite of how you treated her and made her feel. The mere fact you call her a LIAR... shows the intent of your heart towards her. No wonder she estranged you. Your disgust and rejection of her and her new family is what estranged yourself.

[@jennybahtimy2701]

Greek orthodox is Christian too you know. She didn't lie to you.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

All it would take to fix the relationship with my mother would be one real conversation, but she will not have it. When I tried to give a bit of feedback about something hurtful, she was super defensive, threw herself up on the cross like she was the victim of me!! My dad came over to reprimand me for "hurting mum". The bit where they listened to me was just skipped entirely. It"s exactly like you said, they set the terms and conditions of our relationship. There can be no shift to a more reciprocal type of communication. This family revolves around my mother's ego. Her view of herself is that she is LOVELY, so that's that. Calling me sensitive disguises her lack of empathy. Calling me aggressive disguises her complete refusal to engage in a conversation. The terms and conditions of this relationship are *hers* to set. Not mine. I have given up now because the pain is just so awful.

[@lucindamorris2020]

What if you as a parent you cut your child off because they have been abusing you emotionally and you you need to save yourself from going crazy because of it?

[@finchborat]

There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, you gotta cut some in the family off for your own good. And that's both parents and kids.

[@whizbang7130]

After ours threatened us, verbally abused us, and set unrealistic deadlines we finally had enough. It's important to keep your integrity 😊

[@deannabrussels5910]

Parental estrangement is not a one situation fits all. Not all stories are the same! Some of these remarks are from different places. To say this video is wrong or off does not mean it's wrong for everyone.

[@rebelelf8332]

Spot on Deanna. I myself had to estrange myself from my abusive and neglectful mother. However, my adult son became confusingly angry and silent toward me as he entered his own young adult life. I gave him space, reached out, looked to our past for answers and attempted to make amends for the things I could have done better. Though I believe I was always trying my best, I wanted him to know I saw he felt slighted and could understand that. I have always tried to encourage open dialogue with my kids. Everyday is a struggle to accept that I can’t see him, know how he is doing, and generally struggle with a sense of blame though I can’t find error beyond those every parent makes. My dreams are haunted by images of him as a child, as a man, and as a ghost. I live in total ignorance of why he has decided to choose this path and fear he will never return. I parent my last son as though it could happen with him as well, the fear is sometimes overwhelming. I understand these young adults that go no contact with toxic parents, because I was one. But when you feel you were a good, well adjusted parent who fears your adult child is dealing with more than something “average” and has iced you out, it can be paralyzing.

[@longsp7709]

I divorced and had to move across the country for support. My narcissistic ex refused to let me take the kids with me but I had to go. I had been an at home, homeschooling mother...very close with my kids. Over time, my narc ex alienated them by telling them lies. I didn't abandon my kids...and I saw them on holidays until he abused the court order. At that time my youngest was 13, oldesr 18. All of a sudden my kids just stopped contacting me. My 13 yo didn't want to come for visits and didn't. This was after I took my kids on a vacation...we had a great time. Maybe my narc ex threatened them not to contact me, I don't know. I have written my now adult kids letters of apology and openness to give them a voice and to let them vent even about what happened to them. No response. Why won't they just sit n talk with me, even blame me, etc?

[@therocknrollcook]

@@susiebessey54 thanks. Will follow your suggestion. x

[@codes8575]

So. You abandoned your children. You went to another state. That's the way they see it. That is their truth and reality of their experience.

[@lorilex16]

your story is exactly what mine is..her narcissist husband was the catalyst tho..he started filling her head with lies about her childhood..he rewrote her history like the CIA does when they brainwash you..she turns her head when she passes me in the car...her brother is building her a nice home just to get this crazy narcissist off our 40 acres..we have called the police twice after her husband threw a 10# barbell at my husband who is 77..waiting on hip surgery..she doesnt visit us in the woods..its been a year..and of course our grandaughters have been taken away by him..once she signs off on her 20 acre inheritance that will be the end..my son is putting a gate up and her narc husband will not be welcome..narcissism is so evil and toxic

[@saluma1447]

Wow this video is so meaningful and interesting. My son is only 16 now. My son is/was my best friend, not that we do the party scene at home, I am not speaking about that, we are a church family. He has made a turn or a switch in a way he doesn't even want to speak to me and it hurts me so much, because my kids, 16 and 14, are not living at home with me anymore. But not even speaking to me its too soon I believe because they are still growing and I feel like I want to be involved with some of their high school events. I will continue to give them space. But i also send short brief texts messages to let them know I am thinking about them. I know my son decided to hate me and my daughter but they are confused maybe by opinions about the other parent. So I will stay calm and let time go by. I used to be very upset at them not calling me and purposely ignoring my calls. I do want to teach bot my kids communication is important and staying silent is not healthy. But like you say here, I explained I am their mother, and what ever I said in frustration before I apologized. I have been by my kids side doing everything for 16 and 14 years and I just felt completely exhausted. It is just the father has been wanting to convince both my children to go live with him, and somehow my kids left to live with him. We all need space, but now we are dealing with attorneys (loosing money) and we shall see what happens next.

[@brandoncruise6398]

Regarding what’s said at 1404, the intent of my previous comment wasn’t to tell my whole story, but let people know the very real reasons that can lead to a hurting child and parent. My grandparents weren’t abusive by any means, but they were strict, which doesn’t always blend well with a self-described rebellious child. Decisions were made that created a destructive pattern that carried on into my sister and her children. This shows me that while it is easy to blame our parents, children at young ages also make decisions that are against what their parents teach them.

[@grownupandgardening4216]

"i just dont know why" - says the one who doesn't want to know or change

[@tatortot7078]

They turned me into a broken hearted slave. Projecting all their sins on me.

[@jenni4claire]

I hope they grow up, realise what they've done and reach out to apologise for the hurt they have caused you. At least one of them.

[@twinsoultarot473]

It's been 8 years. I HAVE ZERO HOPE!! Don't tell me NOT to panic! She has told me she will call the police! And RESPONDING is CONTACTING THEM!!!

[@LeeZa1969]

My child past last week and I’m hsp & adhd, We went on lots of stents of isolation. She met the worst of narcissistic evil man. He literally took her from us. She gave children ability to in-laws adopting. Then started drugs and she’d leave and leave him but he followed and spied in windows to people she knew and was hiding from him. Well everyone isolated. Well he couldn’t rid of me or her sister. She’d been sober and doing great but she knew he hated her and she’d leave in coffin. He worked out of town and he wouldn’t let her sleep because he’d would set house alarm on every 2 hour and cuz her and belittle her basically 24/7. Oh she had been in a wreck and he reinsured her while healing but caused damage and was stuck in wheel chair. So 2days after she shared everything with us day before she pasted. She said she was miserable and tortured & worst she was lonely and thanksgiving was here. So next day I assume she got drugs to mentally escape his torture and went. Overboard or didn’t want to go on . How does HSP handle this. He won’t he won’t allow us to see her & say goodby. Won’t let us know where what or where her body is. I’m gonna loose my mind.

[@sherrymiller4760]

You get to a point as a mom when you walk away because your child is so manipulative and the father is brain washing and taking control of your with your children with his wealth and you live in another state so you have not the same access. I’m tired and my own mental health is going Down. I just want peace. So I went no contact. Done defending myself💔

[@caribee4me833]

The main problem here is the continuous presumption that the parents love the children.

[@lindajohnson9282]

@B Stone, maybe that’s because parents who don’t love their children wouldn’t really care about being estranged from them... and that they alienated their children in the first place. Maybe you should be watching videos on parental alienation as it pertains to the parent not being such a good and loving role-model in the first place. I’m watching this because I AM a good, loving, caring, intelligent parent to adult children; one of my sons has married a woman who is a true narcissist. My daughter-in-law has all but divided a whole family, not just a relationship between two people. I didn’t give everything I had to raise my children in a warm, loving home (with two biological parents who love each other, as well as all those who enter our house) so that some bloated tart (probably alienated by her narcissistic mother) can open her legs and change the good, kind-hearted person she met into a cold, heartless, thoughtless, careless imposter posing as a human being. Like my marriage, I made a promise to myself (and the powers that be) that my job was to love, nurture and support my loved-ones as best as I possibly can with the limited financial resources we had. I would have loved to indulge myself with all kinds of treats... but my family always comes first! I could have dumped my kids at daycare and gone out to work... exclusively to pay for daycare, but that kinda defeats the purpose of going out to work, doesn’t it? Call me old-school, but I don’t consider children to be a status symbol; I consider children to be an investment for the future, both for my husband and I AND for the rest of the world... we need more good people, don’t we?

[@zjewelswatchingjems8723]

@@lindajohnson9282 I do NOT agree. The unloving "mother" does care. she is losing her slave,scapegoat, etc... some so called mothers are EVIL

[@zjewelswatchingjems8723]

THIS VIDEO IS JUST....OFF. I came here for my own, and the views are flat stated opinions. assumptions... so now Im leaving after near over. this just put me back into my own six yr old self. this video is bad. sorry

[@lindajohnson9282]

@@zjewelswatchingjems8723, I’m very sorry that this has triggered you so badly. I understand how evil some mothers can be... I took a lot of them to prison, and took their children into prisons, too. If I had been your mother you would have been loved, cherished, provided for, educated and protected... like I did for my own children. We are coming at this from two different perspectives. I haven’t been treated poorly by my mother, so I cannot conceive what that must’ve been like. Tomorrow (1st January 2021) would have been my mother’s 91st birthday. She passed away 12 years ago and I still grieve for her like I lost her just last week. If only everyone in the world could have had a mother like mine. I try hard to emulate her, but I could never come close to holding a candle to her, and that makes me feel inadequate. And to have one of my own children, as an adult, turn his back on me - and let his wife walk all over me, via him - was cold and cruel. A birthday post he put on my FB wall (or let his wife put there), some years ago, read thusly, “To the woman who spewed me forth from her vagina. Without you there would be no me, and we know how sad a place that would be.” I didn’t find it funny then, and I don’t find it funny now. What’s more, I didn’t deserve it then and I don’t deserve it now. Beware the blade... it cuts both ways.

[@lejci38]

@@zjewelswatchingjems8723 I agee...that is the whole point- they want to have somebody, a slave of their own to suck their emotions, their love, their innocence and control them. The abuse has many faces and abusers often pose as perfect ones, the ones that have done everything for the child...cause they also want to look good in the eyes of other people.

[@MJ-my9sg]

Obviously this therapist isn’t married to a narcissist who alienates children from their mom/dad. Usually the innocent spouse is oblivious to what’s happening in the family dynamic because they’re an empath enabler. Children don’t understand what’s going on and often blames one of their parents. It killed me when I divorced the narc, they divorced me too. That was 15 years ago. I did everything possible to mend the relationship, nothing worked so I had to give up and move away for my sanity. It’s a daily sadness.

[@brendabrinkmanpasichnyk3500]

Very similar to me...my kids took the ex side and divorced me. Painful, even after 11 years. Take care my dear...

[@micaw7791]

I’m so very sorry. I know someone who is dealing with this and seeing it happen is so sad

[@elizabethlasseigne5361]

My friend has a daughter who be a Aw estranged after my friends ex husband died from cancer. The daughter blamed her mom. Plus, the girl is now married to a felon drug dealer. This is really good info for my friend who keeps trying ceaselessly to contact her daughter.

[@krissinisi5198]

My question is the pain felt when we are so close for year's, whole family so... I was wondering if you have a direction or share an idea for my son is 21.. He is out of his first medical crisis in the winter and then step down at home. I was needless to say scared. It went ok, has a therapist and he got a job there are all great. Is this all I get...little communication Emotiomal conntacy feels like he is a stranger... Yes a stranger, sad, walking on egg shells new dydanic bc he might get upset... Turns different sad

[@christinejensen8928]

I currently have three adult girls. It’s such a long story, but we don’t speak and haven’t spoken in 10 months to a year my grandbabies included. I have a wonderful relationship with each one of my grandbabies, but my oldest children are very disrespectful, and I had to move myself from the situation and my 14-year-old son, I just don’t know how to continue. I feel like I lost my entire family including my mother, whom still is alive, but I don’t speak to because of the toxicity.

[@resourcesedu1676]

I feel its not always the parent who caused the lack of contact. Pier pressure caused my situation. It caused a weak link.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

My parents also claim it makes "no sense" (my hurt) but they ignored my texts, ignored my whatsapps, wouldn't read my letter. They looked around to see if the neighbours were looking when i tried to give them a letter which showed me that they care what the neighbours THINK but not how their daughter FEELS

[@christinejensen8928]

I really could use some help. I feel like I’m needing to seek some therapy because I can’t seem to move forward. I think I need professional help could use any recommendations thank you for your podcast.

[@kimlnguyen4126]

How can I get connection with you and ask you to help me, please let me know. Thanks you Tina

[@elysianfields8461]

Hi Kim. Tina has her own youtube channel @ "Reconnection Club". Hope that may help you. 💕✌

[@jaht1570]

My two adult sons are estranged from me along with two granddaughters. The remaining child has threatened to do the same. They developed lies about me, so outlandish that it was almost comical. One said it was because I was a Christian. When I refused to renounce my faith- he attacked me with lies. I am tired of waiting around for them to reconcile. I told them to never, ever try to contact me again, I was no longer their mother, to leave me alone. I am not going to tell them when I die. I do not want them apologizing over my grave to ease their guilt and shame. I deleted all their contact information from my phone and email. Maybe if these self-absorbed narcissistic adult children learn that there is no do-over button. No open-door policy. If they want to burn that bridge-there is no coming home.

[@annbilyeu33]

Are you taking new clients? Just now listening for the first time.

[@robynlund8317]

Too much blame on the parents. Seems completely unaware of parental alienation or grandparent alienation, and children who just don't want to grow up

[@katiehav1209]

The reason i dont feel like i was given reasons is because the reasons given were broad and personality attacking, with some isolated instances for examples. And leaving me no ability to even address their reasons because they dont really clear reasons.

[@paula6311]

Just another disappointing video by someone who thinks they know what they're talking about. Basically, if adult children aren't speaking to a parent, then that parent needs to search their souls to figure out what they did wrong. Because targeted PAS parents aren't already going through life with their hearts broken. Yes, Parental Alienation is briefly mentioned, but no meaningful solutions are given. And, what's discussed in this video are things that most well adjusted, intelligent people have probably already thought of, so I'm not quite sure who the audience is supposed to be.

[@smoozerish]

Well said. I agree wholeheartedly

[@helenaleahy9396]

Absolutely agree,there are many parents in this sytuation ,hurting and try to figure out what happened? Specialy if you always thought you were the best posible parent .

[@jgarofalo8813]

I have never seen a person cut off their parent without good reason after trying for years of trying.

[@becp2964]

My adult daughter and boyfriend live in my house with me , since I started dating again she doesn’t seem to be happy for me but cause drama and says that I’m putting my bf first when it not that way, telling my bf lies about me. So I decided to kick them out now she won’t talk to me and said that I’m wrong for being me . I do all I can for them .never ask them to help me with rent or anything .I don’t understand what she want from me. I can’t live and walk egg shell not knowing when she might snap .I’m here mom but does Not get the respect from her. Can someone tell me why she that way.

[@kimjohnson3325]

The answer. Suck it up and deal with it.. parents feelings, concerns, worries and hurts do not matter..

[@mfwalensa9405]

My children let their married partner's family take over and help them and they all have rejected me for reason made up by my exhusband and one of my children that was rejected when I delivered her sister and brothers 10 weeks early and she had to go to her dad. He never allowed her to be with me again. I thought she would grow out of it and she did. But now she is telling others I was a bad parent. I was a full time mom, working around the clock for them all. I had go to out of state during a divorce and now I am not allowed to see my grandchildren.

[@jacquelineglitter4328]

Every generation is doing better but there is no perfect parent. Period. My daughter likes my negative and controlling people in my family that gives her money. I just don't have it so I'm the bad one.

[@janiceking4415]

I became estranged from my daughter when she married a thing. Until then we were very very close and spent good quality time together. It's now been 12 years of heartbreak

[@sayedenforever556]

What is a "thing"?

[@InvisableMe]

Try using his name, assuming it is a him... if you ever hope to be close to your daughter again. You don't have to like him, but you do have to respect her decision. Only my opinion.

[@amyteurlife9408]

Narcissism in a son or daughter law combined with some neglect you did with own child. Even if become a better person and great to your grandkids and say your sorry for not doung better...the in law can agitate matters especially when they are dysfunctional themselves.

[@EricGreene]

There's so much that's problematic with this. I don't even know where to start. She claims to understand estranged adult children but so much of what she says shows that she really doesn't.

[@REGjr]

The perpetually astonishing persistent like a curse narcissistic absence of insight.

[@deannabrussels5910]

Are you the parent?

[@boubella11]

What exactly does she say that indicates this to you? I’m taking her very much to heart and need to know for myself.

[@betenoireindustries]

it's cynically exploitative - giving these cluster-b dumpster-fire parents straws to clutch at for, no doubt, a tidy profit in book revenues and cetera.

[@emilebradfordtaylor5638]

I am finding your information very revealing Like to get the book Need more information title and how?

[@marilynmatheney5718]

I have an adult son that is broken. I never understood the negative childhood wounds he continually speaks of. Now I understand. I see that I was CEN as well. We need help to overcome this.

[@ellepollauf4104]

Calling your son broken is highly inappropriate and speaks volumes about why you're estranged

[@marilynmatheney5718]

@@ellepollauf4104 your thoughtless, judgmental response is highly inappropriate. We are very close and always have been. You don’t know us to have made such a comment.

[@ellepollauf4104]

You publicly called your son broken, if I was your son and I saw that I would think my mom is an asshole and I don't want to be around her because she's judging me. Talk about judgment? You just called your own child broken

[@ddhqj2023]

@@ellepollauf4104 Maybe you don't understand what she was thinking when she used the word 'broken'. Broken hearted, broken in spirit, broken in body, broken relationships.....

[@ellyk8834]

@Oooooo I say it all the time. Whenever I have interactions with estranged parents I never - and I do mean NEVER - have any trouble understanding why they are estranged. Then they spew even more of the tell-tale standard lines of abuser script that they all run on. People who were raised in it and now recognize the toxic unhealthiness are just left going, "We know you don't understand why you are estranged. That is literally part of why you are estranged. You are unwilling (or sometimes unable) to absorb what the problem is even when people spell it out for you."

[@krissinisi5198]

Pandas/pans... OCD intrusive thoughts/ anxiety and depresressive?!?possopple drug/ drinking???

[@patriciacestare232]

My daughter banned me from her life...i became depressed.. She changed big time, she is now a elitists 😢

[@theresanelson9666]

This is probably too late to leave a comment but I’m going to try. Think that my daughter is a narcissist witches weird, but everything she’s doing leads to that, so really, there is no way a parent can try and reach out for even look like they are Purdy that matter so I guess what do you suggest when you can’t do that? Awesome my daughter, my grandkids and I haven’t any clue why because she won’t talk to me. She’s 34 years old and totally dropped the family.

[@CindyScott-og2zc]

❤

[@twinsoultarot473]

These psychologists are doing nothing for any of us - they are chock full of ZERO answers!

[@juppetspuppets7874]

My son is hoodwinked by his lying manipulative wife who by the way went ten years without speaking to her own father…and brags about it .

[@sharonnugent408]

I never tried to alienate our children from their Dad, before or after the divorce. Their Dad on the other hand. Sued me over Nd over trying accuse me of beingufit 9ther. He lost every time. I even encouraged the children tol8ve wittheir Dad for high school

[@1111sage]

Father was abusive both mentally financally emotionally constantly putting my daughter down for just being my daughter. I always was the one showing her love. Made mistakes but always showed love father is Narc . Now i feel i trigger her .

[@patriciacestare232]

I blame iton the therapists...telling them to leave their mom behind..your wellness is more important. 😊

[@ResidentGroupie]

What if npd is in play

[@emilebradfordtaylor5638]

Name her book please

[@laraparks7018]

My mom tried to imprison and institutionalize me for telling her the truth She's destroyed my relationship with my son She evicted me amid a mutating pandemic after 2 SUICIDES IN THE family she didn't tell me about She told the other funeral attendees that she didn't know where I was She should be imprisoned

[@kalibhakta8640]

Why do I feel like I'm listening to a guide for narcissistic parents whose children have either gone no contact or gray rock on how to hoover them?

[@betenoireindustries]

pandering for those sweeeet boomer dollars.

[@amyteurlife9408]

This could be the case and raising my son I was selfish and emotionally neglectful and narcissistic due to being young and damaged from my childhood and having son before I understood all this. I became better and healed but only after he was grown and i have apologized and showed I changed by how I treated my grandkids and even step grandkids.

[@twinsoultarot473]

I find this whole broadcast pointless in my case - it might help someone else. I have already gone through all factors that led to estrangement. My daughter simply is not ready to speak to me. She has it in her head that people cannot change.

[@kigenkalya1332]

So sorry... Give her time and work on your self....

[@tessamuzen7059]

Is the estrangement an extension of parental alienation? That would suggest the adult child is a narcissist.

[@nancyrentas443]

No support for the parent my daughter was horrible to me

[@wynettegreer3812]

I don’t believe the child feels unloved , it’s the parent who are rejected, they have no time

[@redsquirrel1565]

Can you please talk about the conflicts involved when a parent has a different transgender view than the child/school/ teachers methods of handling it? My child is gone and has ran away because of this. I am not allowed to think for myself. Before I get attacked, I just don’t see how this “boom” is medically necessary and how teachers can confuse and diagnose kids without the parents consent from a young age.

[@betenoireindustries]

translation: my transphobia has totally alienated my child. tell me some way this can be Not My Fault.

[@gigistern88]

Parents- you if your child does not want to to talk to you and leaves the family- sorry- It’s on You!!!!! Think about how you behaved when your children were young… that’s your answer!!! Self-reflection for parents is in order!!! No child, unless they have felt unloved leaves thieir family- you have failed as a parent- it’s That simple!

[@rebelelf8332]

I myself had to estrange myself from my abusive and neglectful mother. However, my adult son became confusingly angry and silent toward me as he entered his own young adult life. I gave him space, reached out, looked to our past for answers and attempted to make amends for the things I could have done better. Though I believe I was always trying my best, I wanted him to know I saw he felt slighted and could understand that. I have always tried to encourage open dialogue with my kids. Everyday is a struggle to accept that I can’t see him, know how he is doing, and generally struggle with a sense of blame though I can’t find error beyond those every parent makes. My dreams are haunted by images of him as a child, as a man, and as a ghost. I live in total ignorance of why he has decided to choose this path and fear he will never return. I parent my last son as though it could happen with him as well, the fear is sometimes overwhelming. I understand these young adults that go no contact with toxic parents, because I was one. But when you feel you were a good, well adjusted parent who fears your adult child is dealing with more than something “average” and has iced you out, it can be p

[@annas1259]

There is also a spiritual aspect to it, I think. An adult (or on the verge of becoming an adult) child discovers that life is tough after years of being brainwashed by school system and society that they should be happy and do only what they want and what makes them happy and if they are not happy, or not successful in their lives, the ones that brought them to this world are to be blamed, so off they go accusing and accusing that they did not have a perfect childhood, focusing on everything their parents did or did not do to their liking. Often they have a problem because they find out that they are not prepared for life (often through their own choices and choosing freedom and being happy over responsibility, realistic goals and hard work), so they feel depressed that life turned out to be not honey and roses and that is the point when they are deceived into thinking: you are so poor and unhappy and this must be someone's fault - parents come in handy at this point as the reason for unhappiness and focus of hatred. So the evil one makes them hate and they hate more and more: they hate the parents, they hate the world, they hate themselves and they are acting in life like the powerless puppets being manipulated by the darkness that enveloped them. Love is the answer, not estrangements and further division. Satan works in a way that it destroys relationships - gets hold of people introducing hatred, weakening the person morally and spiritually and leading the weakened person to more sins and destructive life (alcohol, drugs, broken relationships that the adult children have with others too.... ) and isolation from the only ones that can and want to help. This is what is going on right now in the world with this pandemic of estrangements be unhappy children who struggle in life. We need to pray for this very confused, brain washed generation. Those who have done wrong things need to ask for forgiveness for these sins and love. Love and forgiveness is the only answer. Forgiving parents for their weaknesses, shortcomings and forgiving these children who hurt their parents so much. It starts with 4: Honour your parents ......, put them to courts if they wronged you, estrange yourself it helps you, but at least put your life in order at some point and show through your actions that you walk your life in light ...... That will give your parents peace, if they are good parents. And do not worry that you have to take care of them - if they are decent and hardworking people, they will take care of themselves, or social system will. Do all you need to do in order to find true happiness in life, but do not waste time and your life commiserating and blaming all your misfortunes on your parents ...... Take hold of your life and life an upright life - get a job, learn how to love and be responsible for other people in your life - try imagining raising children on your own in an imperfect way but the best way you could and giving all your heart to the task. Put yourself there for a minute before you attack you parents that they have failed you. Do all you need to do to not end up a heartless human shell repeating the slogans that you were born perfect and that your parents must have done something to you since you are not totally happy - do something to stop being unhappy forever ..... Stand on you feet and emit some love towards someone .... Look honestly on your parents and yourself. Best wishes on your journey

[@amyteurlife9408]

Very true...but so many dynamics in play. Most parents make mistakes and learn too late and strive to make amends with the grandkids and adult children and by saying sorry, if child marries a dysfunctional person they are hateful towards their own parents and encourage your child to do the same.

[@rondelpertillar5795]

Parents sometimes need to mind thier business.

[@ddhqj2023]

And sometimes adult children need to recognize that no one is perfect and neither are they.

[@rondelpertillar5795]

@@ddhqj2023 We recognize that that's what the video is about.thats no excuse for evil parenting.

[@ddhqj2023]

@@rondelpertillar5795 Of course no excuse for evil parenting. But I was/am a good parent and my husband was a real good dad and one of our daughters estranged from us two years ago. No reason given, I babysat my grandkids, we had good relationship til that moment (I thought) and she kicked us to the curb out of the blue after we loved and supported and encouraged her for 37 years. Since then on these sorts of threads/videos, I've been called a child abuser, neglectful, cruel, thoughtless, etc...It's like estranged adult children think every parent was evil and every estranged adult child is an angel. So I tend to be a little sensitive.

[@rondelpertillar5795]

@@ddhqj2023 sorry to hear that.these videos do help to get insight from both sides.it also difficult to listen to the phycological reason these things happen.you don't even know it's going on until you listen to people give a deeper meaning to your situation.thing is.no amount of videos can solve the problem just give insight

[@ddhqj2023]

@@rondelpertillar5795 I think most of these phsychologist made videos try to be even handed for the most part although I have heard a couple that seem to be weighted in favour of the estranging adult child. But the comments is where you more often see a really biased attitude by people who've estranged from their parents. What those folks forget, is that their story is not everyone's story. And they seem to forget that even adult children are only human and might be very flawed people.

[@RedHybiscus]

I can’t believe my eyes. The horribly abusive things said by people here is exceptionally representative of the broken hearted parents. The adult children that are alienating their parent is grotesque. Then the author of this book and the therapist clearly has alienated her parents and is biased. This is disgusting. The author is sadly sayings things such as “one time the parent said or did something the child may not of liked and so then yes they cut their off and the adult child can do this and maybe this is for the best. This way the parent doesn’t have to have a dissatisfied relationship with their adult child. This has to be the most selfish and misguided thing I EVER heard. Oh and she says this in this weird voice that is to mimic a therapeutic tone. There is something wrong with her. When you can parent yourself and then you can parent your child? Whaaaat