12 Questions to Evaluate your Parents

We might think back to our pasts and give our carers a score out of ten to measure how things went. It isn’t unfair or mean sometimes - in the privacy of our own minds - to hold people to account. Finish the sentence, "My Parent made me' below and give each a score out of 10.
My parent made me:
- feel deeply loved and wanted.
- Was often highly attuned to what I actually felt
- Was able to tolerate a degree of innocent disobedience
- Was authentically happy about my success
- Lacked sadistic impulses
- Avoided imposing too many of their own issues on me
- Didn’t demand to be admired
- Wasn’t too exciting
- Knew how to play
- Had boundaries
- Tolerated dissent
- Took an interest in my ‘small’ joys and pains
We don’t need a score of a hundred and twenty to be robust, but if things were to drop much below sixty, there might be grounds for a good deal of reflection and sorrow.
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FURTHER READING
You can read more on this and other subjects here: bit.ly/3Mdm2fy
“Some people assume that you can’t really say what a good - or indeed a bad - parent actually is. But we don’t agree. So we’ve designed a checklist of what we think makes up a good parent…”
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[@theschooloflifetv]

What score would you give your parents? Let us know in the comments below.

[@asiddi821]

I don't want to blame them as they can't change how I wanted them to be; just give us some tips on how to forgive them and accept them for our own good.

[@graealex]

@@asiddi821 You don't need to forgive them actually.

[@cj2074]

Atleast you could worded the question correctly. Score your parents? seriously? very nice. Shame on everyone who is going to do this.

[@anotherone3666]

@@cj2074 it's a way to account things. It's not literal, it helps to understand actions; it makes you see the good, not so great and the bad. If that is hurtful then you can work based on that, not a score.

[@m2pozad]

@@asiddi821 Keep the score to yourself, for yourself. Then notice how the "tips' you call for become self-evident.

[@khalilahd.]

It’s crazy to see how much the behavior of your parents dictates the trauma you have to heal from in life. Definitely makes me want to be better than my parents ever were 😕

[@CircmcisionIsChi1dAbus3]

It's the first and closest relationship you'll ever have in your entire life, its important. The relationship with your siblings is also crucial, and those all accumulate together and begin to form how well you form relationships with everyone else for the rest of your life. Friends, lovers, colleagues, yourself. That's why its so important to grow up first and then have children.

[@flecha213]

Especially because so many parents make their kids feel like they're the problem.

[@РустемСтерлигов]

My parents weren’t bad but rather troubled, growing older I now understand their parents were troubled too. I took as my mission to stop this circle of troubled parenthood and become as supportive and loving towards my children as possible.

[@khalilahd.]

It takes time to truly accept the flaws of your parent but I think it’s important for growth. Proud of you for trying to be better than they were

[@palacsintakat]

I definitely have a different score for my childhood mom vs adult mom. I'm much more forgiving now and she has grown. My dad died with a bad score so that kinda sucks he never got to grow

[@mgbm8335]

Yep, I noticed this too...

[@CircmcisionIsChi1dAbus3]

So message of the video: Make sure you're a parent that is actually THERE for your kids, not spending your entire time at work, distracted. Having an actual person RAISING your child for their entire development, not half at work, half at home. No wonder the world has suffered so much mental health problems. People think career is the only source of happiness.

[@hosamelsayed5723]

Sounds wise but it's harder than you think.

[@DT-hx4gz]

My mom wasn't "bad" but troubled. She would've been an amazing mom if she had went to therapy for a bit before having us young. She was a beautiful soul nonetheless 💕

[@theschooloflifetv]

This is a very wise and empathetic perspective to have. And we would always recommend therapy for prospective - or current - parents, no matter how secure in themselves they feel.

[@anotherone3666]

Such kind words demonstrate emotional intelligence. Good for you

[@hakimdiwan5101]

Imagine having bad and troubled mom 😥

[@onemorechris]

this resonates

[@esterhudson5104]

Sounds like she has a nice kid.😌

[@hakimdiwan5101]

I sometimes wonder what it's like to grow up in a loving and nurturing family which isn't plagued by financial hardships and metal issues.

[@andreaespinosa8003]

Me too

[@mollysmith8627]

Mood.

[@Jianju69]

No beatings? Must've been nice.

[@MsGenXodus]

Me too.

[@hakimdiwan5101]

@@Jianju69 This ain't funny 😒

[@hipsterimagestudios6349]

I was 27 when I learned that my grandpa wasn't really my true grandpa but rather my dad's adopted stepdad. He sent me a text today from his hospital bed saying, " Hope you get the job the world should know how great you are!" After a job interview. Getting older I feel lucky to have parents like that. My grandfather was an orphan, and my dad was too, and I never knew until I was well into adulthood. They didn't even make a big deal out of it other than they just wanted better of their son.

[@srikrishnajay]

🫂

[@ohrul8too477]

My parents scored 112. They’re my best friends and growing up I always remember feeling loved and supported. I never felt like I had to keep anything away from them because I knew I wouldn’t be judged and ridiculed. They aren’t perfect people but they’re close to it.

[@anneis8319]

That is so amazing. I can't actually imagine how that would feel considering my parents scored 20.

[@indrinita]

I'm so happy for you. Everyone deserves that and I wish very much I knew what the feeling of having good parents and a good childhood was like. My parents also scored 20.

[@iliavko]

Congrats parents, you got a straight 10. Out of 120...

[@user-ajp-4891]

I didn’t need a test to know they scored all zeros. But thanks for the affirmation.

[@adamplentl5588]

Are you me?

[@andreaespinosa8003]

Are you 2 me?

[@annagoldman1163]

‘’Courage taught me no matter how bad a crisis gets ... any sound investment will eventually pay off."

[@danromero533]

Making it out at a young age is quite difficult. I started a side hustle at 17, saved up and made some good investments. l'm 28,live on my own and having a good life for myself. Big ups to you and everyone out there trying

[@danromero533]

@Hoshi Fuyo Yes it sure is. I put in money in investments and get profits. That 's how I make more money without working. This does not sound new to you right ?

[@twinfred3160]

Am hoping on you can explain more on how you make extra income from investments

[@danromero533]

@@twinfred3160 There are lots of investments options such as real estate, stock market, forex, cr ypt os, passive income,

[@steceymorgan814]

Financial freedom is absolutely the perfect freedom

[@hereigoagain5050]

Best video on being a parent. All new parents should be given the scorecard and asked, "How will your child fill it out in 30 years?"

[@Leo-mr1qz]

My mother was an emotionally neglectful, narristic, alcoholic, and my father was a workaholic. The book that comes to my mind after watching this short video is, "A Boy Called It." Disturbing story of neglect, yet, extremely educational. 😕

[@QCDoggies]

Ugh, I hear you.

[@jaymiegill9506]

Same

[@Leo-mr1qz]

@@jaymiegill9506 I'm sorry to hear that. It's a hard existence to live. It was the prequil to my worst nightmare, but, I survived, and moved forward, and so can you. Take care of yourself, my friend. ☮️ ❣️

[@Leo-mr1qz]

@@QCDoggies I am sorry for your pain. 💔 As you know, it wasn't your fault. Please take care of yourself. 😇

[@jaymiegill9506]

@@Leo-mr1qz I did too, moved on. She almost killed me - well, she did. I ended up taking drugs to heal and it fucked my brain forever, all because of her drinking. It’s hell. But my father is still alive and so I’ve moved in with him. Albeit too late. But I’m trying to just stay alive for him now. And when he goes, I can too… I tried my best. I just want to try one last treatment option before I make any decisions. In hindsight life wasn’t that hard with her cause I had myself, my dad and my passions. I just wish I never tried to save her and fuck myself up in the process. It’s a heartbreak that nobody will ever understand.

[@joannaricardo7853]

Lol wow my parents score was far below the 60 mark, I'm not surprised. But thankfully I have not repeated the way I was treated to my own children. I've strived to be the exact opposite. And sometimes It is difficult going from having an absolutely unloving childhood, to becoming a loving caring parent. And somehow becoming a good parent yourself!? It's amazing that's possible at all. I am so proud I'm nothing like my parents. But Thank you for these liberating talks! They mentally set you free from that deep pain. Your one of the only ppl out there trying to help ppl like me, and for absolutely free. That's incredible! I admire this group of ppl 🥰 Your truly helping humanity with these edifying videos! And That's something hardly anyone is doing. Thank you!

[@davecsaszarable]

You’re not alone! We are lucky that all this information is out there and that mental health is the best there’s ever been.

[@joannaricardo7853]

@@davecsaszarable so true!

[@nabieladrian]

As much grateful I have for having parents who successfully grow me as their kids, I'm finally able to say they're not successful to develop me into an actual person beyond just their kids... I know they love me, but just as their kids, not for the person I actually am...

[@muppelmuh1445]

I had trouble with the checklist as my parents ways varied depending on how much stress they had from the outside world. And then I realized that I was making excuses for them and that it's the under stress ways that count because that's when you as a parent fall back on autopilot and that's the part that they will pass on, the autopilot. Not the one odd weekend where life was alright. And even though I feel that I took circumstances into account and did rate not harshly I arrived at 31. And I think in those 31 I mixed intent with outcome, like, I don't think they actively and consciously tried to fuck me up and so I judged mildly.

[@mindfulnesswithmatt]

great point, the "love" can ebb and flow depending on the family's circumstance, another reason to remind ourselves of the larger picture and not get honed in on specific instances of bad

[@2-d_in_a_bag]

Mom's test results: 3/10. Mom could make you feel loved and wanted, but it isn't entirely genuine. 2/10. She could sound genuinely worried about you and her hugs felt comforting, but in reality she was using my struggles to undermine me and gaslight me into thinking I'm mentally unstable. 1/10. Nope. I couldn't have a single curiosity she was uncomfortable with. God forbid an eight-year-old knows where babies come from! 6/10. I'm sure she was glad when things went well. 2/10. She infantilized me and treated me like a dog. Rewarding me for doing what she wanted, punishing me when things didn't go her way. She made my sister into her therapist, even though she had enough money to afford a professional. She was emotionally abusive to Dad, who became too depressed to function for several years because of her. Mom must've known what she was doing, but didn't care enough to stop. She just couldn't help herself. 1/10. She blatantly projected her problems onto me. I have a bunch of complexes and a world of self-loathing and harsh judgement in my head and it's all her fault. She'll never accept responsibility for it either. 1/10. Mom NEEDED admiration. The whole house revolved around her, and we were isolated from each other. She was genuinely shocked I sided with Dad when she cheated on him. 5/10. I don't exactly know what this means. Like unpredictable? Trying too hard to be fun? 4/10. She could be playful sometimes, but she sheltered me so much that "fun" was leaving the house for something other than school or walking the dog. 2/10. Hardly any boundaries. During fights, she messaged my friends and partner for me because I was scared to screw it up. Also she didn't knock. 1/10. She pretty much always instigated our arguments. I never wanted to argue because even if I were right I never won the fight. 3/10. She asked me if I ever stopped talking. Mom scored 31/120.

[@Chow18ggrace]

Both my parents were abusive to certain degree now I’m dating a man 25 years my senior so I could be a child again. He protects me from my tantrum and very patience with me. We both have abusive parents and somehow, we seems to grow together. I’m not sure if this is the happy ending but at least I’m happy now

[@basicsareweak]

My dad was unpredictable and abusive. He used to slap us for the tiniest of mistakes. My mother is a self loathing, insecure person who projected her fears onto me. My elder brother is a highly competitive person who was no help growing up and routinely ratted me out in front of my parents I was a difficult, rebellious, angry daughter, who doesn't have her life in order and blames everyone for it

[@mikemuponda1781]

This is why we all need to constantly health check our emotional plumbing because with time we accumulate emotional junk that often gets through to our offspring directly or indirectly.

[@prasangurung2517]

i , after adding up total score , can conclude that i was adopted by my parents .

[@brynfisher8019]

You sound like my sister, she insists she is adopted

[@joshuabenton3785]

I gave my mom an average of 7.5 (90 points), which is awesome knowing how emotionally scarred she was knowing what I know now. My dad received a 5.5 (66 points) average, which also makes sense knowing what he has gone through and where he is now.

[@Davids-cc9sn]

Why do we ONLY have parenting classes that help new parents learn how to deal with infants and newborns. There are no classes that teach how to finish raising children into adulthood. I only recently realized my mother does great with toddlers, but she cannot relate to an older child, or an adult person for that matter. Made a very frustrating and weird childhood for me, even long into adulthood.

[@jdobbins]

Mum and dad scored 20--collectively!

[@muhammadtahirumer4982]

Add these too. 1. They were happy on your improvement in life status. 2. They cared about your future rather then own self glorious and people opinions. 3. They treated you as sovereign individual rather than their Own products or slaves.

[@brynfisher8019]

Doesn't improve the score.

[@muhammadtahirumer4982]

@@brynfisher8019 Parents play even destroy their children future only just for their self glory, praise and jealousy.

[@brynfisher8019]

@@muhammadtahirumer4982 I know man I have a incredibly insecure childish mother that to this day cannot take responsibility. My "father" (who never make claim to me but was damn sure there to abuse me) was a manipulative and evil pice of sh@t. Lead her on for 20 years taking no responsibility for the kids he had made. In the end I had to stand up to him at the age of 16, today he's dead and I have absolutely no compassion for either of them, and she is in a relationship with someone who is the same age as me. Sickening! Bare in mind my father was older than my grandmother. Some people just need putting down.

[@whatarehumans3680]

A measly 17…But from their mistakes and failures, I’ve learned.

[@user-je4eh9ht1k]

I think society has looked at children/parent relationships the complete wrong way in the past. A way that views children as property that parents have complete authority over. I bet everyone in this comment section has felt that they were disempowered by their parents who were probably using harsh punishments because that's what they were told to do/taught from their parents. Seeing things like gentle parenting makes me really hopeful as it's started to see children in another light that empowers them and equips them with emotional intelligence.

[@Anarcath]

My parents were bad parents, 3/10, I am more interested in whether or not I'm a good parent.

[@TimeIdle]

I think the video can also serve as an education on how to be good parents; as well as an assessment of your past.

[@zhengrongshang1571]

@theschooloflifetv could you make an episode about how to reconcile with our parents? Let’s just assume most parents won’t be scoring that horrible but barely passing 60, given that in many of the cultures, expressing love isn’t as easy as in the western culture. And often times they were troubled as a kid themselves. Despite their imperfections, they may have done a lot for their kids in the way they thought they should. How could you help the young people to be more forgiving and appreciative, and do not break their parents heart in revenge? Revenge will never solve issues. Young people are allowed to be sad but could do self parenting to heal. Changing their parents on the other hand, is difficult and perhaps unnecessary.

[@siddharthhattila]

Most parents won't be watching some "12 questions to evaluate your child" videos

[@mindfulnesswithmatt]

Agreed with the points, but perhaps it's also helpful to think of a good parent as a "good enough" parent, so the lines of good vs. bad isn't so divisive. Great checkpoints though

[@magnolia2]

😂 both got a zero in every aspect. And they somehow wonder why I’m no contact. They have zero self awareness. It’s pathetic.

[@shemaths1668]

My mom was pretty damn good! The only low was tolerating decent. That wasn't a thing in my area.

[@ananyadutta1154]

Good parents don't mind being hated for some time in order to honor the reality - Ah! What words!

[@electrichorror6642]

Regardless what score i give my parent speaking for myself My parents gave up their life for mine and that means them getting outta bed so i could have a safe and warm bed and 3, square meals and a stable up bringing with an environment to make mistakes. As for the opposite of what i had, my heart goes out to them. I dont know what a cold bed feels like or what a simple mistake resulted to abuse feels like. My parents where divorced and i got to stay eith my dad in the 90s and courts couldnt do a damn thing about it. Im so glad for my dad im so glad for the life he gave me. He was an absolute baller in his younger days and could have easily taken it back and went on with his life.

[@raferooo]

Interesting that I would give my father a higher score as a parent than my mother, when later I learned he was extremely homophobic when I came out. I still feel he was the better parent in certain categories according to this video, but I wonder what it would've been like if he was fully supportive of me instead of thinking I could be "fixed".

[@anneis8319]

My parents were lucky to score 20. That explains my lack of self esteem and bad attachment styles

[@markghatas8630]

True, I have attachment issues also. It can be with people and addictions. Just remember that it is not your fault. You might also want to blame your parents, and you are right to do that. But if I take a guess, I would probably be right to say your parents are troubled, and likely dislike their own existence, as well as not having the best upbringing themselves. Become an amazing person, begin improving your habits, your health, workout, read books, learn self defence, an instrument. Do not let them determine how the rest of your life will play out. You can use this as a strength, that others don’t possess.

[@anneis8319]

@@markghatas8630 Thankyou for your reply Mark. I agree with what you say. It's best not to be a victim I do lots activities and have a great circle of friends but there is still a void of love that I don't know will ever be normal

[@markghatas8630]

@@anneis8319 Thats great to hear. I do sometimes wonder how much a lack of parental affection can really affect us. I guess the best therapy for this is to find someone who you love and also feels the same way about you. You can probably get a vague understanding of how much you have been impacted by comparing your thoughts to those who have had two supporting parents throughout their childhood. Anyway, I wish you the best.

[@miroenriquez5473]

Im glad the newer generations are more open to this topic. The boomers, I don't think so

[@saratf]

I’m a good parent? Oh, wow! I fucked up pretty much everything else but got this.

[@SaminSays]

i actually completed the checklist - one based on my childhood and one now. all's well that ends well? idk i just want peace

[@turtlearmy1728]

61 points Around the amount I expected.

[@taqi5675]

So my parent rating are 78/120 . I guess acceptable

[@charlottemmii]

Me watching this full knowing my parents aren’t going to pass any of the points

[@couergarnet]

92 I am proud

[@acrj-alfasaus4825]

Me, an 8 year old: *pulls out the points chart* okay mom and dad, it is judgement day 😈

[@giuliannacabral8608]

65/120. I don't think I'm fine with that, not with them!

[@Gussie876]

What about if one parent was completely absent? How does this factor in score wise - 0s or somewhere in between?

[@LoveNicoleC]

37

[@nathanjackson5859]

I had the best parents despite growing up in a poor household. All 5 of us grew up happy knowing we were loved while slowly realising we were poor. I would never complain for what we didn't have because what I received was everything my parents had. If the world threw all their parents in one massive place I would go and search for mine. Regardless, of wealth, education, status or the difficulties that occur when living with family. I'm genuinely blessed to have my parents. Ich liebe dich Mama und Papa

[@tracesprite6078]

How warm and comforting to be able to remember your loving parents!

[@FruityHachi]

no money in the world can fill the void that is emotional neglect when growing up it’s why a lot of celebrities are still not happy despite having all that money

[@esterhudson5104]

This is BEST. 😌

[@blackdiamond6390]

Lucky guy

[@tracesprite6078]

@@FruityHachi I agree that money can't fill that void. However, I think that satisfying friendships can help a lot, and so can meaningful work, creativity, and learning skills that give you satisfaction and self-confidence. Also a mental habit of sometimes answering back to the mental image we have of our parents can help. For instance, if your father used to say, "You'll never amount to anything," you can reply, within your own head, "Well, Dad, I just chaired that meeting quite well so I think you were wrong. Never mind! You were only human and so of course you didn't know everything." And if you do make some bad mistakes and you imagine his familiar criticism of you, again just reply in a brisk voice, "Nonsense, Dad. Making mistakes is just part of being human. After all, YOU made a mistake when you said I would never amount to anything. I'm managing my life fairly well just like most people - a mixture of some things going well and somethings going badly."

[@ryancxe]

I think parents having a negative influence is honesty one of the most common pains I see expressed in KZbin comments, literally ever

[@theafricanrhino]

Or, the bar of expectation has been raised to a unrealistic level by a constant idealizing of parents in every form of media and comment sections reflect that..

[@ryancxe]

@@theafricanrhino yea, considering we see that in dating too, it wouldn’t surprise me. Interesting point sir

[@rightcliquegod7653]

@@theafricanrhino Not really. Parents, especially mothers were always so idolized to a fault. Thus, people through a mixture of both biological drives and the psychological appeal of meaning and being idolized always sought parenthood to fix their problems. However, as we all know there is no running away from one's mind they realize their life is just as miserable but now with extra responsibilities, and so they dump all of that on their kids by looking for meaning through them. How exhausting and soul crushing! The people that were supposed to be your biggest support and pillar in life were ironically the biggest obstacle. I think being a parent is one of the hardest job to do right. It's great that the awareness of how messed up the majority of parents and how convoluted their idea of love is gaining attraction and people are now more critical of their parents, as things should be! After all it's an equal relationships between two individuals, not the whole mess you're my shit do what I say. I can't speak for everyone, but I have never seen anything positive from my parents except for tangible things like food, shelter, and clothes. The price was equally steep, and let's just leave it at that.

[@Drakavio]

@@theafricanrhino No, it's not. The reality is that people don't learn how to deal with their own internal problems, let alone how to raise a child. This inevitably leads to parents making a multitude of mistakes and causing trauma even unintentionally.

[@davecsaszarable]

@@rightcliquegod7653 exactly! If I did to my parents half of the things they did to us, I’d be in jail.

[@jvishnevetskaia]

So sad to admit that my parents can't score even a lousy 50 points combined together. I went no contact with them both, it took me two and a half years of therapy almost full time to recover from my horrible childhood. Sending warm hugs to everyone in a similar situation - you are seen and not alone.

[@mathiasbischeroux6167]

Hello, I am glad to hear you recovered from your traumas. I grew up with two narcissistic parents of which one is a sociopath. My parents mentally abused me and literally bullied me, my father almost broke my back as well because I was 'bad'. Can you tell me specifically what mind of therapy has helped you?

[@mathiasbischeroux6167]

Kind*

[@jvishnevetskaia]

​@@mathiasbischeroux6167 Hi darling, I'm so sorry to hear that! It's disastrous and no one in the world deserves such treatment, I'm so angry with your parents. Sure, I can share what I know regarding this topic! I specifically went with a therapist who practices CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and has experience treating PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). At some point, medical treatment was required to help me process my trauma as well (antidepressants), in my country it does not require to involve a psychiatrist, just GP. Still, there is nothing to be scared of even if you'll need an assessment, modern-day pills are low in the dose and quite effective. In my case, it was just 2,5 years of talking therapy, but there are also some specific methods of treating PTSD and CPTSD like EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) that were proven as beneficial and can help a lot. Please keep in mind that there are plenty of methods and different practices, but it was also proven that the bond that you form with your therapist is way more important in the healing process than the method itself. It's paramount to trust the person and feel safe and respected around them. I would also recommend staying away from spiritual practices, coaching, and people who promise fast results and magic bullets. Good luck with your journey! Healing is possible, you are not alone in your path.

[@tamax229]

14 on mine

[@kristannestone1748]

Sometimes no contact is the only way to go. I had to go no contact with my whole family--including extended family members--12 years ago. Over time I went from feeling like an orphan trying to fit into a family that did not want me, to feeling like everyone on earth is family, and I pick and choose with whom I associate. I'm happier than I've ever been. And there's more good to come.

[@fiatlux8828]

My parents scored 107. My parents are amazing. They both grew up in families with violent and alcoholic parents and decided they didn't want that kind of life for their children and they were successful. We were pretty poor growing up, but there was a lot of love.

[@Ellie655]

This is so wonderful to read. What an incredible thing they did!

[@meetontheledge1380]

There is hardly any act more heroic than ''breaking the chain'' of one's inheritance. Reading between the lines, I believe my paternal grandfather was violent toward my grandmother, in times of stress (and their era was FULL of stress). My father ended that legacy. He never laid his hands upon my mother. I, in turn, have never laid violent hands on my girlfriends.

[@rodrigobelinchon2982]

What a marvelous feeling to be proud of your parents. I WISH I knew that feeling.

[@NOOBCRASTINATOR69]

Mankind is not a blessing afterall

[@white6505]

indeed

[@stacylytle4930]

This is not going to go well for a lot of people

[@theschooloflifetv]

This is not an exercise in rehearsing grievances. It's a method of understanding the particular ways we were shaped - or misshaped - by our childhoods.

[@tamax229]

Dont blame. Rather let go :) Good luck

[@tracik1277]

@@tamax229 Don’t blame but place responsibility where it is due.

[@Gianfranco_69]

I was brought up by my single mother,she told me later in life she deliberately acted cold and harsh to "prepare" me for life...this had the exact opposite effect,between the age of 19 and 30 i was a one man crime wave,avoiding a 12 yr sentence by the sheer fluke that evidence was "lost" during a trial... Parents can and do F***k you up,recognising this early is the key

[@Ice.muffin]

What a damn lousy excuse she found for her own incapacity in establishing a worthy relationship with her own child, but it's understandable...

[@FruityHachi]

the cold and harsh parenting breeds 2 kinds of people - sociopathic sadists or addicts/criminals

[@thatsaniceboulder1483]

$10 says she lied and made an excuse for her shi++y parenting. How the hell does one maintain a façade of cold indifference to one’s beloved child…. year after year after year, decade after decade….

[@farziltheweebo4841]

I got beaten up because I came 2nd in my class

[@alexandraradcliff7981]

My parents scored 25. Now that I’m a mom I’ve almost completely secluded them out of my life. I’ve never been happier.

[@Dagrizzb]

"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." Oscar Wilde

[@theschooloflifetv]

You can watch our film on Oscar Wilde here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fovShp-Dp7yoebc&vl=en-GB

[@rixx46]

I wonder if he said this after he was estranged from them by their mother. After he went to prison, he never saw them again.

[@Dagrizzb]

@@rixx46 It's from his book, The Portrait of Dorian Gray. Published in 1890. He was imprisoned in 1895.

[@jasonlichtsinn4313]

Both my parents were severe narcissist and didn't take parenting seriously enough because of how selfish they were. It took me 40 years to realize that I was manipulated instead of loved. I have the upmost respect for parents who are selfless and dedicated to their children foundation and love.

[@aniaandherpeanuts]

Mine scored zero, and it makes total sense. The amount of neglect I received was astounding. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to survive all of that. I taught myself everything: maintaing hygiene, cleaning, taking care of my health, how to talk or communicate, you name it. Everything. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone, was locked up in the home for a long time after college completed. It was either that life, or choosing to unalive myself. I had to make questionable desicions just to escape it. And I still can't believe I managed to survive that. If anyone else's score is 0, you aren't alone. If your earliest caregivers couldn't love you, Love yourself. Live, not just survive. That is the best thing you can do for yourself.

[@indrinita]

wow you should be incredibly proud of yourself for your resilience and your ability not just to survive, but thrive. That's a feat that no one can properly appreciate or measure.

[@amberb.6395]

Same here. The only reason I made it this far is my grandparents and my cousin (she’s a babysitter, so she watched over me for quite a few years). They taught me the things I couldn’t teach myself. Grandma taught me to read. Grandpa taught me to tie my shoes and ride a bike. Grandma taught me how to cook. My cousin taught me about friendships. Grandpa taught me how to drive. Grandma taught me how to study (not that I ever did lol). And mom, what did she teach me? How to raise a child because I was stuck raising my little sister. How to make it look like you weren’t home and hide from the cops knocking on the door. How to shove things just right to make everything fit. How to not cry so she can’t make fun of me for crying. To hide everything and sneak around because I wasn’t allowed to do anything or go anywhere

[@aniaandherpeanuts]

@@indrinita Thank you. Although I'am far from thriving, I'am trying to kearn how to "live" now, because all I knew is how to survive. And I think my life is much more than just surviving.

[@aniaandherpeanuts]

@@amberb.6395 That's sad. Atleast you had a few family members. I had no one. None. Worst part is, I'am the only child. So I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that why they were frustrated with just one single child. It's not like I was spoilt rotten or showered with love. I had to beg for basic things like cloths and shoes for months or years. My mother was jealous of her own daughter getting loved by her husband, my father was too much of a coward to protect & love me and was a bystander & enabler through it all.

[@AishwaryaM-nu6jm]

I'm so lucky I have a dad who's scored a flat 120. Mom probably 105. Forever grateful 🌷

[@alicegrace13]

Still coming to terms that i have infact had a troubled childhood. Psychological abuse, neglect, emotional dumping, manipulation. I don't know what to say but I'm here trying to accept the reality as it is.

[@edmundtrebus4084]

Do you still have contact with them?

[@joannaricardo7853]

I'm in that same boat my friend...

[@alicegrace13]

@@edmundtrebus4084 yeah, I'm 21, in med school so even though I wish I could cut off contact i can't. I've gone as low contact as I can at the moment though and that helps but those phone calls once in a while leave me feeling like shit.

[@Ryan-xh7pe]

but you made it to today and that’s what we should be grateful for, we still have chances to live and love even if our past is muddled. living in the present really helps with letting things in the past go, kindness is key

[@edmundtrebus4084]

@@alicegrace13 Best thing to do is concentrate on education and build your life. Good luck. Expect people to get jealous - ignore it

[@tracesprite6078]

I am very grateful to my adult daughter because she sometimes tells me about kind, creative or fun things I did for her and her siblings. In my old age, it's such a relief to know that I got some things right.

[@muppelmuh1445]

Yeah, my mother places that expectation on me to do the same. Sometimes openly and sometimes strongly implied. I refuse. Sorry. It's not my job to make her feel better about herself. My job is to heal from the trauma my childhood inflicted on me.

[@tracesprite6078]

@@muppelmuh1445 I am so sorry to think about the trauma you experienced, and I respect your decision to concentrate on healing it.

[@nekomomolp]

You sound like such a sweetheart. I have personally had the exact opposite experience, of parents assuming they did everything brilliantly and not wanting to hear about a single thing that was not good. Your humility is a sign of maturity and honestly having tried your best. I think projecting arrogance and overconfidence while rejecting any possibility of mistakes/failures shows big insecurities.

[@Abdysch]

What makes understanding your childhood extremely harder: parents, who keep on insisting they were the best and did everything for you, and you are just "a piece of ungrateful sh**". and I am constantly in doubt, was it their behavior or my own sick mind, that made my childhood so dull, full of pain, loneliness and rejection

[@brynfisher8019]

Definitely your parents fault. Don't ever doubt yourself again, you know what you experienced and no-one can tell you you're wrong about how you experienced something. If they were believe they're the best they need a straight jacket. Manipulative people try to get in your head and make you doubt yourself. My mother said the same thing, can't be the best when all your children are suicidal and addicts (speaking of myself and siblings btw).

[@slksol]

Revisionist history... My parents have every reason in the book for why rage and emotional volatility towards and around their children was justified. I wish I had a better memory or journaled more to confirm, even as a moody teenager, that I wasn't the problem...

[@brynfisher8019]

@@slksol you wasn't the problem. No such thing as bad kids just bad parents!

[@lesliewit]

My mom scored a 75. I didn't score my dad as he was hardly there before he passed away. In considering the fact that she was a single mother raising four children on her own with very little familial support or intervention I'd say that that was a pretty good. The areas where she struggled the most were really about time and energy which she honestly had none of outside of basic survival. This kind of thing always reminds me about how much support we need to give to parents so they can be present and showing up positively for their own children.

[@Masterdebator881]

Don’t you think she would have been a “better” mom if she chose to have fewer children?

[@Ice.muffin]

@@Masterdebator881 No meanness intended, but I was thinking the exact same thing. Why, just why, do so many people choose/agree to/simply have several children if they don't have the minimal conditions to raise them. That includes thinking of their own well-being obvs. I'll never understand and don't even want to, just keep myself very far away from such situations.

[@Falconlibrary]

My mom scored a 20 and my dad scored a 0. Would your mom be open to adopting a sixty year old man? I won't need an allowance and I can do my own laundry.

[@JTheSpearman]

I think this list is missing one essential step. My parents let me be independent. So many kids grow up with all the factors above, but still fail to become fully functional adults, because their parents never let them be independent. They never got to explore their own interests and find what they truly enjoy

[@ap3008]

That is so true…

[@human7491]

PERIODDDDD

[@EmmaJ_462]

On the flip side of that could be 'too much' independence, with no guidance or rules at all. That could even dip towards neglect, forcing you to be "independent" as just a child.

[@delphinephin2493]

@@EmmaJ_462 True and that's why parenting is bloody hard! I think it's about 'guiding' children towards independence from dependence. I felt that my parents did this too abruptly. They were very supportive of my academic pursuits but then trusted me to know how to find a good career path after studying. I could have done with more of a steer at that point instead of trust alone!

[@2-d_in_a_bag]

My mom sheltered and infantilized me like crazy and the results have been terrible.

[@crimsonsr20]

My parents didn't fair very well. My childhood was filled with strife and uncertainty. I was born into a poor economic background, a father who was an alcoholic, and a mother who was indifferent to my fathers abuse of me and my brother. I still managed to somehow develop compassion and empathy. However, I won't deny nor hide that my childhood has negatively impacted how I handle certain things. I believe, that as we come into our own though, that its our jobs as individuals, to decide whether we want to play the victim card, blame all the horrible things that happened to us and continue the vicious cycle, or if we want to be better for ourselves and preferably do things differently with our children.

[@Felineintuition]

Why can't it be both? I can be a victim that is slowly healing. I can blame my parents for the situations they put me in, for their lack of maturity, wisdom and empathy and also keep in mind how they got to be that way. Just because there's a reason, it doesn't take away the blame and all that's happened. This "victim card" is actually someone unable to get past that pain and start their journey, someone hurting so much that it's the only consistent thing in their life, sort of like a worn blanket carried from childhood. No one chooses to hurt just for the fun of it and if they weponise it, it's because they're in too much pain to see any other way. Is it right? No. But is it keeping them alive and sometimes even helps them function? Yes.

[@crimsonsr20]

@@Felineintuitionthere's nothing wrong with being a victim. No one chooses to have had to expierence something traumatic. However, letting that trauma define you for the rest of your life, isn't conductive to your own self healing. Letting go of that pain isn't easy. I myself am still struggling with this. I am however, trying my best to move forward and make sure that I don't let the cycle continue. Many people never do this and even end up becoming the same thing their abusers were to them. Nothing ever justifies the abuse something puts you through. However its our job to begin the healing process

[@Felineintuition]

@@crimsonsr20 I agree completely. Having said that, it is not my place to judge anyone for holding on to their trauma. Some people just can't ease their grip on it. They hold it so tightly it becomes a defining part of them. It's sad and frustrating but... at the end of the day, I must accept that not everyone is ready for healing.

[@Francesco_M.]

I don't have children, nor any kind of partner; that's one way to break the negative cycle.

[@isabelsaavedra7947]

My mom scored 17 and I didn't score my dad because most of the time he was disconnected from parenthood. He was there, he was the provider but he left in the hands of my mom all of our education/process of becoming individuals. So yeah, those were not the best hands to take care of us as they were full of wounds.

[@Elemblue2]

It horrifies me that wanting a better life for your children, and being happy when you are surpassed by them, requires "Strength" for some people.

[@zlatkajupe]

My mom loved us fiercely. She had her addiction and mental health issues. But I recognize that she lost her father when she was very young, and her mother was extremely toxic. She was my best friend. I miss her every day. She wasn’t perfect, but she was perfect to me ❤

[@sadmimikyu8807]

I read the book: the emotionally unavailable mother and there was a section like you show in the video and there was not one point.. not one. Then there was a section about abuse. Well she almost ticked every box in that section. That hurts. A lot. I am so broken and it will take my whole life to sort this out.

[@mariacristescu]

You are not broken,you are PERFECT,you are mending,heal one second at the time!!

[@yasser3378]

i made 16/120 always knew i had it hard growing up living with my mom as a child of divorced parents, but i never thought it would be this bad using such a scale.

[@martindjambov7289]

28/120, pretty bad as well

[@east_coastt]

@@wingit7335 I’m guessing you have not experience what 16 out of 120 parenting feels like

[@martindjambov7289]

@@wingit7335 i mean yeah it is reality, but you have not experienced it yet,or thats what i think because of your reaction to my information.

[@heartsDmise]

Mine was 22/120 for my mom and 37/120 for my dad, but my dad has never really been in my life so those scores were for how he presented himself in person when he was around me. Otherwise he’d be a 0.

[@humanpersonne]

Parents are put on a pedestal by the society and it's almost a taboo to even entertain the idea that they could have been horrible to their own children and that it is justified for the child to have grudges, resentment and anger against them. This comment section seems like a testament to the same. No one is telling people to abdicate all responsibility and blame bad parents for everything wrong in one's life. But, it is absolutely justified if one does blame them for the part that those parents played in hurting, damaging, scarring the child. Parents are people. And people are not infallible.

[@m2pozad]

This exercise is not really a parent grading session, grades are for the people graded. It's a method for seeing the genesis of one's issues.

[@humanpersonne]

@@m2pozad exactly. If only more people made the effort to understand this instead of going balistic on the poster.

[@becoming_real7385]

I think all future parents should go through these types of test, to be informed ahead how much distress they can cause to their children and fail as a parent even with the best intention.

[@nil3413]

Both of my parents scored a 0! Way to go, guys!

[@tamax229]

Is 0 option ? If so mine did 2 not 14....

[@wtfisthisshizz]

Congrats to them both! If it was possible my dad would score like -100.

[@Deeplycloseted435]

As I age, my perception of my parents changes dramatically. As a small child, you idolize them. Then one day puberty starts, and suddenly they know nothing. Then its decades of realizing they were correct about a lot, that despite not being perfect, when truly needed they were there. I have a teenager now, and this experience makes me feel admiration for my parents. Its just not that easy.

[@CL-we8tn]

Jip. Karma comes back. Lol. I feel the same.

[@ghairox]

Idolize -> demonize -> humanize

[@Elemblue2]

In agreeance with what you just said, I figured out something truly fascinating about all the things my parents said to me when I was young and it seemed incredably stupid. They had real deep wisdom, but it wasnt stored intellectually. They were hostage to their own ability to communicate. They literally could not *express* their own wisdom in a coherently acceptable way. Looking back, I realize that deep into the layers of subtext was the thing even they didnt know they were trying to say. And before you think they were just bad communicators, no they were really good communicators. Communicating wisdom takes a specific type of skill though. I think thats alot of the source of the teen parent problem.

[@CL-we8tn]

@@wingit7335 remorse and forgiveness are both expensive to gift to someone and the price is sometimes too high for the people involved at that time. But time goes on, when we know better, we do better, when we're just getting by, we realize that we are not better people, we just do some things better. At the end of the day, we are as flawed as many generations before us. Then we are humbled by the achievements of the same people we thought of as 'not good enough'. Even though your babies might never tell you this truth, it remains true and they know you tried your best. At the end of the day whether we believe in karma or God or both, we all return to the source, and we are all exactly the same to the source, nobody is better or worse. Tuck in your wings little angel and stand tall.

[@piyalichowdhury4438]

I wonder how it feels like to be emotionally nutured, taken care of and soothed by your parents

[@anneis8319]

I wonder that to

[@markghatas8630]

I have friends who have had this love growing up. They have much lower levels of anxiety and depression, and are not as inclined to care about what other people think. They do not have bad habits that those who had miserable upbringings often have: porn addiction, food addiction, drug addiction. They are also much more emotionally stable.

[@americo_san]

I could do this thing and hold my parents accountable. But from my point of view and personal experience, it's a "zero-sum" sh*it thing to do. You get the results, sit on a corner and cry, living in bitterness and h*ting them even more. But, have you ever thought about how the relationship with their parents was? What about their grandparents? After a good research, I've discovered my parents didn't have love or comprehension from their parents and so on. They weren't able to teach me anything because they haven't experienced it. It's really easy to blame them now, but we don't give what we don't receive. At least for me, I needed to understand, MOVE ON, and learn this from other circles. It isn't easy but really worth the effort. P.S. Sorry for my English

[@f.-j.j.5738]

I was born in a very poor country. Our survival depended on my Dad working almost constantly. There wasn't social services or welfare or food stamps. The only wall between us and starvation was my Dad. So I didn't see him much when growing up but I knew how much he loved us every day he went out to fight with life for us. Mom did plenty of nurturing. We realize how great our parents were when we realize how much they sacrificed for us to simply exist.

[@srikrishnajay]

💚💙

[@Masterdebator881]

Umm,it’s from their own selfish endeavors that you even exist. Parents are supposed to care for their offspring! It’s basic understanding, not an achievement.

[@f.-j.j.5738]

@@Masterdebator881 It is an achievement where I come from. Lots of kids die before they reach their 5th birthday. We have the worst infant mortality. If my parents did the bare minimum, I would not be here. They did have to take care of us but they didn't have to sacrifice to the extent that they did. For that, I am grateful.

[@Masterdebator881]

@@f.-j.j.5738 Grateful for what exactly? To be alive? Is the suffering worth it to you?

[@anisah8546]

It's hard to evaluate both my parents at the same time, because they had radically different approaches. Edit: This was eye opening to say the least; my mum scored 100, while my dad scored 3!

[@DeeDee-un6pi]

Lol, just 3!

[@rosepinkskyblue]

I feel you

[@paulopaulada3920]

103 then, congrats

[@anisah8546]

@@paulopaulada3920 yeah, better to see the glass half full! :)

[@skybluskyblueify]

How do I evaluate parents that didn't know I was autistic and had conflicts with me when I didn't react how they thought kids are supposed to act? How do I judge someone that thought I was the black sheep of the family early in life? I hated being touched so they thought I did not love them.

[@aamnahere6250]

While it does help with people who've been gaslit by their parents into realizing they weren't crazy for carrying deep and unfulfilled pain from their childhood which is very important, the knowledge itself does not mitigate the suffering. We carry a gaping hole in our souls and eagerly try to fill it because we genuinely feel we're unworthy of pure, uncomplicated and healthy love. When our parents inflict their own misery on us and blame us for their own issues in life while making it clear with their actions that we're not valued, we're raised in an emotionally chaotic environment which makes us question our self worth. If those who are biologically meant to love us couldn't do it then are we worth it after all. Therapy can help in many ways but childhood emotional trauma does alter the default setting of our minds from secure to deep insecurity so while therapy provides us with ways to deal with it, in challenging moments we are still brought back to our default setting of wondering whether we're worth anything at all.

[@coastsouljah]

What if you actually do have a F'd up, non-functional, heavy burden parent? Seriously, what do you do?

[@theschooloflifetv]

We think you might find this film useful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aXzNdZmMl759h8k

[@KaoticOrder]

Go to therapy. Do Jordan Peterson's past authoring program.

[@ottledaguette7638]

I'm asian so...

[@jzen1455]

Having Asian parents should be a disorder called "Asian parents syndrome" in the DSM.

[@sirbonobo3907]

Hey I don't know you but I just wanted to say I love you and I support you the way you are 💖.

[@JW-uq9yt]

My parents' overall score is below 10 , I don't know if I shall laugh or cry for my miserable childhood.

[@JW-uq9yt]

@@wingit7335 nonsense

[@MiiSsMiiNa]

Scored 16. My body was spared from abuse. That's it. Healing was and is hard and will be a lifetime challenge. But it was worth fighting for, every single day. It is so easy to play the victim card at first glance, but the price is higher. If you have someone to talk to, do it. Even talk to strangers (I did that, tbh) Always remember, the healing is an up and down path..but will always be worth it. I love you, from the bottom of my heart ❤

[@Voidsworn]

As much as my parents tried to be good, and in some ways were, I think a single instance I recall 20+ years ago, around the age of 18 or 19 makes them...not good enough. I remember breaking down in my room at my adoptive mother and saying I wanted to die, them to die, someone to die... and nothing.

[@AA.PF1]

My Mother, on May 10 2021, said to me in a text message "If you were not my daughter I would never want you in my life." that was the last time I communicated with my mother. Prior to her vile words I cannot remember the last time she hugged me or said "I love you"...to anyone. I have no intentions on ever seeing her again and do not (now) regret this intention. I immediately got into therapy and although I could not at times pay for sessions and struggled because of this commitment I am incredible grateful I struggled and suffered to get though it. I cannot wait to have a family of my own because I have a surplus of love for some little boy or girl. I cannot wait to show them how to love. Anyway, It was the absolute last straw from her for me. My father was never there. Neither of my parents deserved the children they got. not one bit. My parents are in the negative with their test results.

[@edmundtrebus4084]

Same. My family were cruel. I cut them out. It's hard because you know you'll never see them again. Even if they were horrible it's a strange feeling.

[@Elemblue2]

@@edmundtrebus4084 You made the right choice cutting them out though. No one has the right to abuse you, not even family members.

[@AA.PF1]

@@wingit7335 i haven't gotten to the point were i feel this isn't my mother and fathers fault. I haven't matured enough yet to really understand that i still though feel like it is a bit of an excuse to accept that type of disregard. Im still in therapy and can see the light now at the end of the tunnel stay strong xo

[@onemorechris]

not enough people ask themselves ‘if’ they should have kids, rather than ‘when’.

[@_MC529]

I adore my parents for what they made possible with their given possibilities. While not perfect, it was certainly a big improvement from what they had to deal with. I'm certainly very glad that they have brought my sibling and me into this world, even if the world still can sometimes seem cruel or unjust. I am quite happy to be alive.

[@Lilylou59]

Zero! 😥

[@QCDoggies]

Same. It's pretty depressing.

[@brynfisher8019]

No13- were you abused? No14- can they take responsibility? No15- are they someone you would aspire to be like? No16- if you had/have kids would you be comfortable leaving them with your parents? No17- were you given the freedom to choose your own path in life? No18- would you prefer to stay with your parents or take your changes in a orphanage?

[@tomfrommichigan]

I grew up feeling like I had roommates who paid the bills.

[@Elemblue2]

Alot of parents are like that

[@IshikaShanai]

This. This is exactly what I went through too.

[@emely1810]

Yes me too, but mine happened to be extremely manipulative on top of that

[@THIRDeye1989]

Love the check list. Allowed me to see how my parents did, even if it wasn't a great score, and compare it to how I am in the present as a parent. I'm proud of myself for improving as a parent in comparison to my parents. It's not about blame, I just feel it's important to acknowledge if we, as individuals, are evolving or devolving in our ancestral karmic chain. Makes cause and effect more apparent in your life. Thanks for the checklist, great idea for self improvement. 👍🏿

[@theschooloflifetv]

If each of us was able to be a little better as parents than our own, the world would be a much kinder place.

[@tommyshelby6277]

the literally changed thumbnail, and title earlier it was bad parents

[@randomtara]

Comments not passing the vibe check. Lots of copium and unwillingness to admit a lot of parents are bad parents

[@talasdaveable]

70 total with high standard deviation. Some areas scored high, others scored low. Thank you for helping me see these. Now I have more knowledge on what I need to work on.

[@BharatDalal403]

You shouldn't make these type of videos...wrong influence

[@salsafanable]

my parents scored 98 Even though I often complain about their actions, after thinking about this trough the video and reading comments about people who truly struggled with great things because of their parents, I just feel so grateful and I wish everyone who find themselves in horrible situations like that to be happy and safe. :( I hope everyone figures it out with their parents

[@SRHisntSilent]

A very insightful list 🤯 I already know my parents weren't ideal but I'll still write this down. My mother continues to invalidate my concerns about my upbringing and her physically and emotionally abusing me. She says I'm focusing on the past too much but she hasn't changed much. She hasn't hit me for years but she did reflexively raise her hand at me when i was 24. I can't talk to my father about my mental health issues. Actually neither of them have the wherewithal to accept that i still feel deeply hurt by them in the past *and* constantly invalidating me and my emotions in the present. Off topic: This is the best video she ever narrated so thanks.

[@nd15music73]

I'm not sure about other countries, it will inevitably be the case in many countries historically as world was tough and mean, but this video makes me think how British people suffered such an abusive culture in industrialisation and you can see cultural scars today. Just look at that list. It emphasised the opposite of everything: - "Made me feel loved" You're not special. - "Attuned to what I feel" I don't care what you feel - "Tolerate innocent disobedience" Zero tolerance of disobedience - "Happy about my success" On every level of society dragged one another down 'you belong here with us' - "Lacked sadistic impulses" pfff where do we even begin? Whipping, hitting - "Don't impose their own issues" It was actively a culture of that other people suffer therefore you should. You should suffer like your workmaster did when he was a small child because... just because, also apparently 'character building' or something. - "Didn't demand to be admired" You had to have absolute respect for adults, or if you were a child then for respect older kids. - "Wasn't too exciting" Irresponsibility and crazy solutions went - "Knew how to play" Small children worked from before dawn to midnight - "had boundaries" No, just get the work done - "Tolerated dissent" lol - Took an interest in my small joys and pains" lol And most of the population, which was children who largely didn't live very long, hardly had parents or saw their parents. They largely lived in the workhouses and factories and mines. And similarly the upper classes of society were abused sent off to boarding schools with toxic culture.

[@LaMariposafer]

Whoever wrote this either does not have children or may be is highly privileged. To be able to phrase such clear cut standards to good parenting. Parents are also people you know. There is no ONE ABSOLUTE manner of doing it right, and if there were, this wasnt neccesarily it.