Estrangement: What To Do When Your Kids Won’t Talk to You

[@deloreslate4028]

When your adult child is a narcissist there is no hope. I refuse to be anyones target in my final years of life. I’m tired of walking on eggshells and being emotionally and verbally abused. I’ve taken it for 23 years but no more.

[@chriscampbell9207]

Im done too

[@deloreslate4028]

@@chriscampbell9207 being done is not always a bad thing.

[@Kwood10]

Agree 100% done being a punching bag.

[@BessieKrom]

Me too.. we all dealt with dysfunctional parenting but with a narcissistic child, they have no love for God, therefore these adults do not love their Creator or their parents. They do not forgive. They run negative stories about the parent forever, keep the parent in a space that does not honor. Narcissistic children are guided by darkness.

[@BessieKrom]

Grown up child, sorry you are angry, but I can't undo the past.

[@sallymerrell4491]

When a person shows you they don't want to have anything to do with you anymore, never disturb them again.

[@debrafrakes6479]

thats what I am doing!

[@inspiratationNYC]

Wait... don't disturb my son again?

[@Shayne_T]

But a narc will continue to disturb, that’s the problem. And also on the other token, a loving parent would always continue to love and seek out their child. A narc will make it all about them, telling you all the abuse didn’t happen, or that you need to just get over it, and then they continue their abuse. Same old cycle.

[@EH-fs2xm]

Difficult when grandchildren are involved.

[@inspiratationNYC]

@Lorie Bennett Sally & Lorie, thanks for the advice. As you know, after our children block me off from their life, they always come back to me with simple verbal apology when they need me, then block me off again when they feel like it. It's been repeating for 13 yrs with my 29yr old child. I feel like I should just leave from his life

[@youtubestyle293]

I am an emotionally neglected child. And now no contact with my father. I came here to find a narcissist apologist and be angry. Instead I found a man who actually knows what parenting SHOULD BE and doesn’t blame the kids like estranged parents forums. For this, I have to congratulate you sir! Very well done. Great explanation. I wish you the best.

[@foxyfox9196]

Just read the comments and you'll find plenty of narcassitic parents tho

[@petert9311]

My name is Peter and I am a targeted parent and victim of parental alienation. As much as I want to get along with mom, she doesn't want that. Look for your father, he may be thinking about you and miss you. Talk to him if you can.

[@youtubestyle293]

@@petert9311 your comment is exactly why I understand parents like you won’t understand anything. My father is emotionally abusive and anytime I talk with my father, it makes me sad. So according to you, altho my father is a piece of shit, I should still maintain relationship DESPITE being miserable every time. So I am asking sincerely, WHY would I contact someone who belittles me, ignores my problems, and make me something to be “fixed” while he is perfect. Why would I contact him? To torture myself. Like really. Tell me why?

[@petert9311]

@KZbin Style Sure I could reply, but you may not like the answer. In most cases the targeted parent gets bashed without them defending themselves? What happens honestly, when the other parent constantly bashes? You will eventually believe a delusion your dad is a piece of shit. Please know that your dad is also yourself. You shouldn't insult yourself as your father is part of you. We all do mistakes, he may not be such a bad guy if you open up to him? There are no sides in this matter. The child should spend time with both parents, there are no sides.

[@youtubestyle293]

@@petert9311 My mom (who died) never spoke bad about my father. And they were together till the end. So since that’s out of the conversation, can you answer my question which is. “Why, would I talk to a person, who belittles me and makes me feel so small, who is disrespectful, and selfish?” This person makes me sad. Why would I talk to him? Would YOU talk with a person who belittles and disrespects you.? (You can’t possibly bring up parental alienation again. It’s not my case) so I am gonna ask again. WHY, would I speak with a person who has belittled me since forever. Would you?

[@suskelleykelley7241]

After a messy divorced I noticed my first born son was aloof and disrespectful but I continued to love him regardless. As time moved on when he was 28 he got into a fight with me and I had enough and told him off!! He made it clear he was cutting ties with me and not to ever call again not ever !! I respected his wishes and didn't want to push myself on him!! Each Holiday I dreaded because I spent the day moaning and missing him. I told God I felt I was always there for him with my time; hugs and each day I'd tell him how I love him!! Regardless I hadn't heard from him for 10 long years and hated when each Holiday came because I'd cry!! Finally I prayed to God what's more important is he have a relationship with you. Not me so much!!! If he loves You God then he can love me!! Three days later a call came to me with a familar voice saying " Mom this is your son and I never stopped loving You; please forgive me for being evil to my loving mother and your 5 year old grandson you never knew about wants to say Hi!!! He also told me he is a Christian now and love love love is important and please forgive him!! That day my heart healed and I was thrilled !!!

[@luminescence7584]

How beautiful

[@maytheforcebewithyou4313]

God's time is not our time well done. I bet those tears were the joy kind and probably all 10 years were healed in that first hearing your son's beautiful love for you. My son left at 15 and I prayed, he ended up telling me he lived at a Mormon friend's home, they modeled family and respect but most of all unconditional love only God gives. That was when he was 18, and ever since I have gone into humble scceptance that he got treated badly and needs weren't met and as a single parent it was stressful but he still deserved better and I really did everything including consequences for negative behavior, wouldn't let him quit a sport when he felt like it, so he is now a compassionate coach who relates to the solo parented by mom boys the best, gets in there where noone else understands their struggle and he has made the biggest family that bonded by them becoming free to show emotion, passion. They've exceeded the kids who don't suffer financially and he reflects beauty back to each boy. He just made himself a tribe for life, they are really seen and heard and will be there for each other I am sure. Its small pebble in the pond but significant.

[@harborgirl8877]

I am crying 😢. I wish I could get that call ❤.

[@lidia6552]

I am impressed with your power to be honest and humble in front of God. You told HIM words from your heart without lying yourself or lying HIM. And God did HIS job with both you and your son. ♥

[@suskelleykelley7241]

@@lidia6552 thank you much and yes he told me he became a Christian after much prayer!!! That really made me happy!!! I think maybe the Lord gets bored with our same over and over prayers but when I changed course he activated prayers. Lol. Good luck to you

[@katheryn7318]

If you know in your heart you were a good parent your grown kids are just apart of this mean world now. Grieve, then get on with life and don't keep feeling bad about yourself. I speak from experience. Trust me, I am over it and feel much better. Don't keep trying to fix something that can't be fixed. Look at that chapter of your life when they were not adults and you were their world. That was one chapter. Now grown they kick you to the curb without a second thought. You are now just in another chapter of your life; try to make the best of it.

[@TruthInspector]

thank u. yes

[@myearsareheavy]

“Those who bear the mark of pain are NEVER truly free, they owe a debt to those who still suffer”

[@jennifere4641]

My view as well. Chapter 1: Child/dependant (done) Chapter 2: Raising a family (done) Chapter 3: Mid 50s. On my own. Starting over. 🌈🌈🌈

[@ladybug4896]

I LOVE UR COMMENT UR ARE SO RIGHT FOR REASONS MY DAUGHTER STOP SPEAKING TO ME BECAUSE SHE HAS A DRUG PROBLEM THAT I CANT HELP HER WITH I JUST PRAY SHE GETS HELP BEFORE ITS TO LATE U CAN TURN BLUE IN THE FACE UNTIL THEY WANT CHANGE ITS OUTTA UR HANDS IM AT PEACE AND MOVING ON WITH MY SENIOR LIFE I STILL LOVE HER MAY GOD HELP HER😇🙏

[@katheryn7318]

@@ladybug4896 Hopefully she will get right and maybe someday you will have a relationship again. I have continueously prayed for mine but live peacefully and have no wish for contact. You can only grieve so long then you must move on for your own well being.

[@AMERILOGIC]

Go on with our lives, keep praying for them, be happy, don't give in to self condemnation, let them go on with their lives as well.

[@eskylover65]

I parented out of fear, childhood trauma ptsd(not known at the time). I’ve acknowledged everything I could think of that I shouldn’t have said or done. I’ve done the therapy. My only daughter is 31 and estranged 8 years. I’ve asked for forgiveness. All I can hope is that she knows I love her and I own everything I did.

[@stacey9003]

@@lab4389 Ditto. Devastating is not too strong a word.

[@RobertGarcia-wb4hy]

@@lab4389 Kim D *and* LAB 7: At some point, you also have to forgive yourself. If you've made a genuine attempt at amends, and asked for forgiveness, and making changes... good for you. be sure to forgive yourself, too, whether your son has yet or not.

[@Teriyaki-vj8ny]

Same my daughter is 31 and it's been almost all 6yrs.

[@RobertGarcia-wb4hy]

@@Teriyaki-vj8ny Give her time. Pray for her. It's important that you not continue to carry the guilt of mistakes made years ago, forever. That's not fair to you, either.

[@covahsmusicvault8953]

Thank you for letting myself & others I've met online realize we're many. It's a sad realization, but something about sharing it with others makes it hurt just a tiny bit less. My son's in CA & that's my top worry right now. I wish he'd call!! Hugs, ~ Covah

[@horsegal1971]

Thank you for this. As an estranged daughter.. all I ever wanted from my parent was to hear me. I wanted to talk it out.. she deflected and would not even accept that I had feelings and emotions I needed to work through. I was not allowed that.. I tried for way too long to my own detriment..

[@justyrenson]

I do listen to my children and attempt to change accordingly. Still it can be too late. They rarely open up to me anymore.

[@horsegal1971]

@@justyrenson I'm so sorry. I hope things work out for you.. It sounds like you care and are trying..

[@margaretw5880]

without knowing Both sides of your story- and I don't know yours or your mother's ages- Just as a parent should always keep the 'door open' should a child want/ready to return, the same goes for an adult child; Your mother may not be ready, she may need professional counselling for whatever- as an adult depending on what your regular childhood/upbringing was, you could always express yourself via a letter to her or let her know that when she is ready, you may be willing to do counselling to heal or attempt to heal the past in order to move forward and only via counselling. One thing is for certain, there is no real moving forward unless there is healing, either together or separately- good luck.

[@horsegal1971]

@@margaretw5880 100% agree. If she would do counseling or even accept some responsibility, I would be more than willing to work it out. She would never.. it's always my fault. Always me that is flawed.. I can't live a happy, healthy, life like that. I was shamed and never made to feel like I was important to her at all.. at least I will never let my kids feel like that.. she also never protected me from my bully sister that beat up on me regularly. Still protects her over me. I don't feel safe emotionally with her, or my sister now. I feel sorry for good parents that have entitled children that do not appreciate them. Good luck to you as well ❣️🙏

[@horsegal1971]

@@margaretw5880 I'm 53

[@BettieBoo]

It's amazing how many people struggle with taking responsibility for their behavior. But I like that you highlighted this in a non-shaming way.

[@kennyweiss]

Denial/self-deception is the single greatest killer on the planet today and no one is teaching or talking about it...well, Byron Katie does but she calls it "the work." People don't want to know that she is helping them with their self-deception. I wish she would be direct with them and call it what it is...denial/self-deception work. That is why my whole program is based on confronting self-deception, calling things exactly what they are instead of finding manipulative soft words and finally, teaching people how to heal their self-deception. It is the single greatest skill a person needs to recover and the one we are all the most deficient in.

[@thereseservais924]

​@@kennyweiss Well said. It's the deeper meaning of a well known command : You shall not lie ! Pride makes us lie towards God and ourselves.

[@anarcho-communist11]

I think sociopaths who don't have a conscience are the only ones who behave badly and don't lie to themselves about what they're doing. Most people behaving badly aren't sociopaths and would feel too guilty if they were honest about how bad they're behaving.

[@deloreslate4028]

There are parents that are honestly good people and they don’t deserve this destructive alienation . My daughter just made a lot of bad decisions as an adult.The past 23 years. The trauma she had is not from her childhood it’s from the mistakes she made as an adult. Blaming me for all her problems. Her choices started and ended up with her having multiple mug shots.

[@loraleepooley3669]

I made mistakes when they were teens. I have apologized a lot but there’s still a wall. I guess I blew it. 😢

[@SheriAnne0711]

I really needed to hear this today. Thank you for sharing your story and your imperfect life. My daughter has not spoken to me for 5 years. My texts go unanswered ...my heart is broken and it is finally time for me to heal the pain.

[@swait239]

Have you tried calling ? Or only text? Straight question asked in good faith.

[@Lourdes-A.]

What does your daughter want or need from you in order to heal and mend your relationship? Find out, and no matter how hard it may be for you to do it, work on it.

[@humaneleaguelancPA]

Ditto! Living the same life as you, except it’s 2 out of 3 that will not speak or respond to me. I do have a mentor for the past year, and my oldest child out of the 3 came back to me. But I’ve had to work so hard on myself and it can be exhausting at times. I have to remember, they are on their journey too, to heal and I need to be patient for the day we will be reunited.

[@everettepouncey4049]

My daughter came through a broken family (divorce) and we are all paying the price for that! Just before I rocked her to sleep one night she said these words that have never stopped hurting! She said, daddy I want a family!!! I now know how she has gravitated to the lonely and sad place she is now in! As I study the scriptures, I see another loving father that is pretty upset that his children want little or nothing to do with him! We will have a real family one day not too far away! Love to all, don't give up!!!

[@theshanny8]

@@everettepouncey4049 love your words (literally took my breath away) and the point you make. 🤟

[@sammynoyb4550]

As an estranged child, I would like to say when your children see this video they will be proud that you are doing the work. I pray that they see this video and see how sincere their father is about making things right. Thanks a million for being so vulnerable ❤❤

[@tranquilearth4038]

It doesn’t matter anymore for me. I’m not coming back here again. I’ve healed my trauma and taken responsibility for my part and apologized. I’ve detached from the outcome. It takes 2 to tango. I thank all of them for teaching me what I needed to learn and wake up to the truth of myself and the dysfunctions of my biological family. Once you see it you can’t unsee it. I appreciate your candor and truth, Ken.

[@keithgray4891]

I guided my son to superstardom, he his a former premier league player, married to a global superstar. He is worth 60 million.. and counting.. he left me out of is life 12 years ago.. truly bizarre.. but I’m good and standing strong.. 🙏🏿🙏🏿

[@glo9547]

I'm so sorry , how cruel of him!! These grown ungrateful adults

[@susanjohnson8290]

To look at your aging parent is to know where you are heading someday. That is a difficult reality for our kids to face.

[@Fegga1955]

Children are obnoxious,selfish and rude.

[@Pollydoidle]

@@susanjohnson8290 no more difficult than it was for us

[@Pollydoidle]

@@keithgray4891 that’s dusgusting

[@Simplyunashamed]

“I can forgive myself because I’m doing the work,” is how we let go. So very profound and liberating. Thank you for this powerful display of healing at work.

[@MaryDeWester-ot9ft]

❤Resounds with actual truth.

[@rodneywells7820]

I to have been doing the work It’s like a disease in my family I estranged my self from my mother for 25 years My daughters learned it from me an turned it on me Along with my many other failings as a father 1 year ago I rang my mother an that phone conversation went for 8 hrs I was at a emotional rock bottom No drink no drug We have a wonderful relationship now an as we progress with it we talk about whys an how’s an the picture gets clearer I love my mother an she has taught me strength of how to live with the pain of estranged children my sister will not speak to her still an has not to me for 12 years On an on the sick show goes I am doing the work it’s taken so long I fear I’ll be dead before it fruits I HAVE LEARNED TO FORGIVE MY SELF

[@MaryDeWester-ot9ft]

@@rodneywells7820 I have begun to have actual happiness and joy.

[@HighPriestess_Archive]

@@rodneywells7820Praying for you and your family. I wish you nothing but the best, have faith and never give up 🙏❤️ many blessings

[@jillrice1630]

SPOT ON👍 Years of therapy you explained in 32 mins. Navigating a traumatic childhood with young parents was very difficult . I navigated and found my way to a happy life. It hasn’t been easy but I came out the other side. 🙏🏻 grateful. You are an amazing teacher and evolved person.👍

[@kennyweiss]

I am happy what I teach is a help to you. ;-)

[@arvindkala5191]

From faraway India. I am a very healthy fit 77-year-old and I have been happily married for 50 years. I still am. Both me and my wife have had an excellent relationship with our daughter (only child... A relationship of fun & laughter. If I may praise myself, I'm a funny guy. A lot of people crack up with things I say. Back to my daughter. She's 48, for 47 years I had a terrific relationship with her. Her 2 kids adore me, like they adore my wife. One year ago, our daughter broke off from me. (Not from my wife)..... because of something I said that outraged her. Well, I like what one of your viewers wrote. If someone breaks off with U, don't disturb them again. That's exactly what I am doing. And I am fine. The world's most profound words: So Be It. I feel happy I had a fun relationship with my daughter for 47 years. If it didn't continue, well, so be it. One last comment. Disappointment & unhappiness come from expectations. Shed expectations. And U'll l free yourself from pain. My words, Gautam Buddha's thoughts.

[@iunabeam]

As a child estranged from one parent and low contact with another, i am happy to see a video for the estranged parent hit the mark (finally!). 🎉

[@kennyweiss]

Thanks for sharing!

[@DistrustUS]

I’m not going to apologize any more. MY life is important too. Those children are grown. Get over it!!

[@monkeybearmax]

Gross.

[@karenmoore5620]

I agree.

[@beckycurrin1928]

Just love yourself. Adult children are no longer part of the family unit - they have their own families. In the end it's just you. Learn to love yourself and the experience.

[@otherapy2000]

The way you are putting yourself out there so vulnerable and transparent, I hope they can forgive you and come back. They don’t understand we aren’t around forever .

[@cest5401]

sadly we do understand that. but we can't put our entire lives on hold... everyone has their own lives

[@corneliahanimann2173]

We do know that, but we also know tjat maybe the person that brought you into this world, is not meant to be a parent, and we have in our hearts accepted that and decided to love you even when you're not who we want you to be...the distancing is really just for our own safety, and we are entitled to that

[@katheryn7318]

I don't consider myself as vulnerable at all. I am trying to take the guilt and shame trip you are trying to place on so many parents that relate to my particular situation. Perhaps you might want to take off the rose colored glasses; good parents with shallow children really do exist.

[@corneliahanimann2173]

@@katheryn7318 they do exist, but I have met more people that had to cut their ties with them because frankly, this generation of parents is oftentimes spoiled too. They seemingly want to have the benefits of being a parent that was faithful to the parenting style they learned from people that were literally around during the time of the great wars, and then are confused why children don't miss a closer connection to a parent later because they never bothered to build it, and yet are still feeling entitled to grandkids. There is this saying about you made your bed now lie in it. Many parents are unaware what type of bed they have prepared for themselves. Some actually are, and they are in deep denial that this is the reality they built and want to just extend the time of control past the childs teenage years into adulthood. This control was going to be gone eventually, you have to have more to offee than a strong fist and money.

[@sannajohanna5579]

Even your child is not contacting you now, you can now become the person that she/he would be proud of. It is, by the way, amazing that you must pay a high price of not being ”selfish” enough - in other words: not loving yourself enough.

[@allison7497]

I love how u said we need the parent we never had. I believe that God is the parent we never had and some don't know that we have. GOD will be the parent you never had and nuture and nature you and love you and make you into the parent you never had.

[@TruthInspector]

yes!

[@mvbigmagic4048]

I've given up having a relationship with my mother, especially after my father died. He was the only parent who half-way loved me. So yes, I've turned to God instead. My mother has done many things which can be considered sins, with no remorse. Walking away from her, and pursuing my own non-negotiables (not sinning or being coerced into sinning by her) has been life-saving. Matthew 19:29-30

[@mcawesomest1]

When your raised by Narcissists and you learned early on that everything mattered more then you did…. So when your parents continue to be selfish, self-centered, and emotional abusive you can choose to spend time with them or not… I chose to say enough is enough…. I’m better off without them

[@darlenerobinson8740]

Show me someone who isn't broken or imperfect. I am guilty of that myself, and NO it doesn't make us bad people it just makes it harder for those around us. It's hard to take responsibility for something when you don't know exactly what it was that caused the estrangement in the first place. My son meant the world to me, there wasn't anything I wouldn't have done for him and maybe that's what drove him away? I don't know ? Anyway, it's been a year of no contact and I finally stopped reaching out because it's too painful. His choice, his life & I wish him the best...

[@saltandlightEvie]

I’m so sorry I pray for you. My daughter meet a boy and his family turned her against us and we are not seen her or hugged her for 1.5 years. It’s the hardest as we were there for her in everything. What if she is abused and we are not there with her? The other mother has no idea what she caused and the boy what he did to turn her away from her family is criminal. We became the enemy. I know 5 families going through the same. I’m a counselor so I should know better right? Devastating until one goes through this we won’t understand the ramifications.

[@jansimpson4364]

5 years here. I don’t expect to ever see him again in my lifetime…

[@saltandlightEvie]

@@jansimpson4364 so sorry to hear. if we made a video of how much it hurts we would be called a narcissist. it's not something you can share with many.

[@cest5401]

im going through what your son is going through. we need the chance to make our own lives

[@cest5401]

​@@saltandlightEvieI understand that it hurts but sometimes it hurts the child to stay connected and they have a life to live. I don't know how how it can be better for you but maybe you were never fully prepared for them to fly out of the nest

[@erzio631]

I have told my daughter I'm doing the work necessary to be the parent she needs. I have taken responsibility for her pain and I have told her that I will never give up on her. I am now forcing myself to give her the space she says she needs and while it's getting easier it's still a struggle. I too am preparing for the day she may come back by learning how to be my best self. Journaling, meditating, taking care of my health and making some pacts with myself to never be or feel like an ugly person again. I am learning how to let love guide my way while ridding myself of allowing societal expectations to guide me. My daughter was different and I knew this, yet I still tried to make sure she was conforming to the societal expectations of learning sports, doing copious amounts of homework nightly, making friends and having an active social life, when all she really wanted was my attention and time. She made sure to get my attention through hypocondriosis and telling me I loved her sister more. I was a doting single mom but my energies were in the wrong places a lot of the time. Before she went to live with her father we had visted the Dr numerous times as well as several specialsts due to her daily health complaints. Her sister who she claimed I loved more, was my older and non-verbal autistic child who I felt guity over not ever having enough time for her because my younger daughter took up so much time and effort. Looking back I was waiting for her to grow up and gain independance and it only seemed she grew more and more needy. I grew to resent this and indirectly may have taken it out on her through my inpatience with her. Yes, we aren't perfect as parents, estrangement is the hardest thing I have ever faced. I only hope and pray that I have done enough work on myself to be able to greet her again someday as the best version of me. Even if she never comes back I will still have benefited from the work. I have found the process of working on myself to be very healing.

[@vivdoolan6846]

It definitely sounds like your daughter felt emotionally abandoned as a child and that doesn't come from nowhere. As Kenny said , children leave these all important relationships because they do not feel safe, and it's usually about emotional safety.

[@shellymcleod1421]

😢

[@patticasci48]

do it for you, not her.

[@lykel3520]

You had a very difficult situation with 2 daughters and it appears you were parenting alone the best you could. Give yourself a time to heal and find peace. When she returns, or if she returns you will be ready to dedicate more time with her.

[@NevilleLumley]

Erica. I really understand your situation. I do think we need to give our adult kids space just as we wanted space to sort it out as young people...

[@elizabethfindlay5752]

I believe the biggest lie people tell themselves is "when you know better you do better". It's actually when you practice doing better that you do better. Kenny, you are so true and so brave for your vulnerability, I am very grateful for your videos!

[@ellyk8834]

Yeppers. The old, "I'm the most horrible parent ever!" said to guilt child into saying, "Oh no mommy/daddy you're wonderful!" Well, I grew up and got therapy and now my answer is, "If you feel that way then do something different. Don't bitch about being awful. Don't moan about feeling bad about how you behave. Stop your unhealthy behavior and improve your attitude."

[@Teebee44]

I told my son that it's 27 it's time for him to go because he doesn't wanna work. He just wanna sit around and just chill and I work two jobs and I'm a senior so I said it's time to go and for that. He blocked me on the phone. This is our third time going thru it, but my very first time changing the locks. He knew that I was serious. The rules of my house was to keep your area, clean and respect me and go to work or school that's it I'm so tired of roller coasters..,abuse.,I'm crying. The worst part is he took my granddaughter. My only granddaughter and I have five sons and he's hiding her from me out of revenge. It's just too much..

[@trishboudelah1328]

My daughter is doing the same. I can handle not having her in my life but it hurts to loose my granddaughter 😢

[@saltandlightEvie]

So very sorry

[@jadek5822]

When I did things for my adult son that they could do for himself, I was delaying his adulthood. I took his power away. I was a codependent & enabler. I had to realize my part & take responsibility. I read Codependency No More 📚 by Melody Beattie

[@danskdna8550]

Yup. Parents who allow kids to live at home past 20 then complain they have deadbeat, ungrateful, entitled kids at age 30. I do not blame the kids for taking advantage of free basement life. Bad parenting 100%.

[@ERICAEPPSREALTOR]

So sorry you're going through this. I read a lot of comments and this so far is the only comment where I've seen the parent attacked. That's disgusting. I wonder why they chose your comment? I hope your son will come around once he has established his life and realize that was the best thing to do for his growth. Is there a way to reach out to the granddaughters Mom? There is a thing called grandparents rights. You might be able to get visitation. Check with a lawyer ❤❤❤❤

[@anon6056]

What you're doing is NOT WRONG. You, and other peope who've done what you're doing, have CHANGED MY LIFE SIGNIFICANTLY. i thank you deeply.

[@isabellesender]

This was painful. Healing is painful. Feeling is painful. God bless and protect all who suffer CPTSD.💕💕💕

[@paulkent2219]

Don’t give up. My brother killed himself in middle-life & it caused me to step back after his funeral. It took a year or two, but we finally opened up about the truth & we are stronger for it. My mom is still alive & independent, but she knows she can live with us anytime if needed. I’m independent too, but she would take me back in her home too. Today we can talk about anything but we are family until we leave this physical body.

[@Shayne_T]

This is a great message - you take responsibility, I wish you the best. I’m continually growing and healing from my childhood, so I don’t ruin my child - I’m very proud of myself for being a good wife mother, despite my horrible childhood. I forgive my parents, but they are not healthy people, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with them.

[@filipek4841]

Im so proud that u can actually break the generational trauma

[@DK-qx3lv]

I also had a traumatic childhood, and as a mother of a child with a disability, I realize now how my own faults led to my children to be “glass children” who seem to hate me now as they feel robbed of their childhood. They were. It brings me such sorrow because it wasn’t just my own failures as a mother (like my own mom), but the influence of culture and technology. My sorrows and sadness have led to major health issues. I know I have to heal, forgive etc so I can stay alive for my disabled child who now has no one but me to care for him, but the loss is so profound. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. 🥺😢

[@Mystic_Jawhar_Saaleh]

Allow yourself to heal and get over what happened. It will only make you stronger. Journal a lot. Get a therapist. Do what you need to do but you have to get over the shame, guilt and sadness and this video is not going to help you achieve this. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s the world that’s changing and the human kind is getting more and more fragile with each generation. You’re not on your own. In actual fact this is happening to all parents but some are keeping it secret or putting up with abuse. So don’t be shamed. You don’t deserve to feel this way.

[@sophieleacacos7528]

I am hearing you today for the first time, and thank you for stepping up to the plate as a model to parents. What you are teaching is a universal truth, as I discovered it on my own through a very slow process of self discipline. Sadly it took me 50 years to understand - but at least I do now, and it has brought me peace. Thank you again for sharing your courage.

[@kennyweiss]

You are very welcome and thank you for your kind words. And yes, it’s sad for all of us that we weren’t taught these basic concepts and we all have to discover them later in life. What matters is that You did the work to discover them. That’s the sign of a great parent.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I googled "what to do when your parents won't talk to you" and this came up. My parents just wrote me out. The only way for me to be in the family is if I play the part they wrote for me. They will not acknowledge that they hurt me. They have turned it around, attacked me, their pain is real, mine is a mere grudge. They give me the silent treatment but yet still blame me for "destroying" the family. It's mind blowing how they can give me the silent treatment without seeming to recognise that. Their view is there is one perspective, so any attempt to communicate is aggression in their view

[@freedomofspeech6095]

Perfectly said. Thank you

[@Sally-ih6ls]

That’s sad🙁 can’t imagine parents doing that, I feel for you, even adult children doing this to parents sickens me, it’s horrid that people always need things their way, no open mindless

[@vivdoolan6846]

I know exactly how you feel. Check out gaslighting and covert narcissism because it sounds like exactly what you have experienced. No one will ever understand the obliteration of you unless they experience it themselves....... 8t takes you to a very dark place.

[@gracevalentine1666]

Your apt description fits my family, I am cut out because my mom stole my inheritance and I said she was a bitch. I was 57 years old when I discovered her crime, but the smear campaign which started at birth is how I found out what she had done. No one talks to me, but if I try to work or socialize they talk plenty. Thanks for putting your story up.

[@Cyblps]

I am an estranged daughter. There is shame and hurt. I would reconcile with my mother if I was guaranteed that I would be safe from physical and mental harm. However, my mom who is her 70s won’t change. She is still violent, manipulative, and narcissistic.

[@alisongreen7576]

Kenny, man, that’s a LOT of purple. At first, I thought it was too much, but then I started to enjoy it. Then you talked a lot of sense and truth, which I rejoiced in!

[@danskdna8550]

I love purple but it was overload. Going to tone down my own purple now.

[@Valerie-jt5vb]

Unforgiveness is KEY....if anyone has apologised sincerely numerous times and the other party WILL NOT forgive...there is nothing you can do....Hatred and unforgiveness are destructive forces....they will kill whoever is holding the grudge....eat them up from the inside

[@ritag6341]

I've asked 3 times for forgiveness with no response.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

Or you apologize for one thing then they keep adding stuff on as they go…there are times that the adult child can’t apologize for their mistakes also…I’m tired of taking all the blame for stuff I don’t even know I did…they are not perfect either….AND the AC spouse can have a lot to do with it too!

[@Sally-ih6ls]

Also, took responsibility, apologized but they won’t accept it

[@no-ic5gw]

Some things that are broken cannot be mended. Use it as a lesson to treat people better. We all have to live the the consequences of our actions.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

@@no-ic5gw ya, works both ways..,my apology was or the emotional abuse I was receiving and I reacted in a manner I never have or would have, but no apology from the other side….everyones story is different…

[@phoenixlight1111]

I do not have any issues regarding the other parent, I was a single mom for all of the years I raised my children. I didn't even really ever date, it was just me and them. I have 3 children, all adults now, ages 34, 32 and 26. My oldest daughter, now 32, hasn't spoken to me in 10 years. My son, now 34, stopped communicating as much about a year ago. I hear from him with the obligatory holiday text but never anything more. My youngest daughter is the only one to still communicate. We've been close for the most part, but as time goes on things are different. We all have difficult dynamics with each other. It's all been a source if deep grief in my life, I never thought we'd be so estranged this way. It's a living kind of death. I've struggled a lot with it, and my youngest is tired of me crying about it so much, so she has been distancing too. I was a young mother, Startin at 18, with no support, help, guidance, etc. I myself was fresh out of foster care. I raised them entirely alone. I wasn't an alcoholic, I didn't do drugs, but I had severe mental health issues. I struggled. My issues were eventually diagnosed as complex ptsd, Borderline Personality Disorder, I was depressed a lot, suffered anxiety, had a lot of suicidal ideation, and they were with me through it all. It took it's toll. I wish I had done better, but I didn't know better. I was alone with them, and myself. They never knew what mood to anticipate. I've been through intense therapy since then, but I can't erase our past, and they don't want to hear it anymore. They feel better without me in their lives, and I get it. It's a lonely life without them. Anyway, thanks for your insights and vulnerability to share.

[@Elaine-uc4un]

I dont think you deserve them not speaking to you. A lot of parents these days are experiencing this and it's not just because of mistakes we made. I dont understand it myself but people are selfish today and no consideration for anyone else. Stay strong x

[@HighPriestess_Archive]

I pray for you and your family to be reunited 🙏 wishing you nothing but the best

[@lionel1907]

I totally get you. I hope you can reconcile with yourself and reconcile with them. May be be courageous and contact them and just tell them you love them. Nothing more

[@saltandlightEvie]

@@Elaine-uc4unI know 5 families this happened to overnight. I think the children are watching an other channel to turn them against us. They will become parents one day as well I hope and it helps to realize it’s not easy to be a parent.

[@rokzane]

​@@Elaine-uc4un Newsflash, they turned out how you raised them. If you raised them without consistently reinforcing family bonds and togetherness, and you let the t.v. and gadgets raise them...well there ya go. Parents who actually value their kids as individuals and not just extensions of themselves; who communicate with their kids and have meaningful in depth conversations; and spend time with them actually doing things as a family....those parents don't have estranged kids.

[@Ashlyy__0]

I haven’t spoke to my dad in almost a year. He constantly invalidated my feelings, and would move on like nothing happened. The last straw was I was excluded from another family event, and when I was expressing how hurt I was he said to me “don’t you think you’re being selfish?” The last words he ever said to me.

[@joannetullini6814]

Your message about responsibility is so refreshing. In these days when the divorce rate is at least 50%, few people accept the fact that divorce and single parenting can affect children in a negative way, maybe not all the time, but far too often. Of course as people we are all products of our environment and our choices. I'm 74 and still trying to responsibly navigate my way through family relationships and the effects my childhood has had on my life. I know I'm imperfect, especially as a parent, and I'm an empath, but I have developed serious boundaries. The one legacy above all that I want to leave with my children is that in this life, I am not a victim. I own my life, my choices and my actions. I hope in that regard, I've done something worthy. Living in truth takes courage, so does being married once and for 54 years in a perfectly imperfect relationship!

[@cyndigooch1162]

@@Lbhacksaw I totally disagree with this because I felt relieved when my extremely troubled parents finally got a divorce after 18 long years! I'd been advised to move out of the family home by a psychiatrist when I was about 15 years old after attempting to take my own life, due to immense pain, yet I still recall the feeling of relief. I usually felt better when one parent wasn't there while living with them too. In fact, it would've been best if they'd never met, let alone married and had not one, but three, children, who had to deal with the results of their own unhealed trauma wounds, which was and is the case for millions of other children too. 🙁

[@christina-x7w]

Youre a fool. Staying in a dysfunktional relationship is the worst thing you can do. It Is not responsabile at all staying togheter with a bad person and raising children with that person. Most women don't remain in those unhealthy relationships because they care for their children. Most remain cause they lack selfesteem. They are unable to care for themself. The enjoy beeing in a partnership cause a lot of benefits comes with living in a partnership. Financial security, most women live for free in the house of their husband....most women even dont divorce when their husband sexually abuses her daughter. Around 80% of women do nothing!!!!!!! Thats a fact.

[@nikstar1313]

My “mother” is too busy playing the victim when she had abused me my whole damn life. I woke up to our level of destructive enmeshment and codependency in therapy and she will not reach out to me. She is not willing to take any responsibility and blamed ME for my father’s predatory ways and alcoholism and I wasn’t even born yet. Family scapegoat here, no contact is the only way to stay safe. ❤

[@foxyfox9196]

I can much relate. I'm the oldest "daughter" (non binary) in a mixed but mostly Latine family (stepdad and all siblings are mexican). I was always the scapegoat. Blamed for stepdad breaking my bones and choking me and my mom. Blamed for my oldest brothers violent tendencies (mostly towards me). Blamed for being too white (and thus too sensitive to "normal Latino parenting" and "basic realities of life". Or that's what was said whenever i called out and condemned the abuse). I wasn't exactly blamed for being sexually abused, but my mom did refuse to do anything about it because she didn't want to "cause issues with the family/neighbors/school". But when my oldest brother was molested by the younger brother of a cousin who had molested me, well it was at least a soft "my fault" for not telling/warning my mom so she could keep the kids safe. Because i knew it was easier to dodge sexual abuse from 1-2 people who almost never actually do it and who have no authority than to avoid abusive parents who are violent multiple times a day at home. And yeah at most all she'd do is keep me locked up in that house even more. I'd take the CSA any day of the week.

[@foxyfox9196]

@@Lbhacksaw there's always a lot of dysfunction and terrible nonsense in any kind of family dynamic that includes roles such as scapegoat (also golden child, peace maker, enabler, or trouble maker. Peopel can take on multiple roles and often the roles overlap , shift around, or have multiple individuals who vaguely fill certain aspects of one or more of them. Within dysfunction it tends to be fairly obvious when these tropes pop up, at least from the outside/outsider scapegoat perspective. In this KZbin comment essay i will evaluate how encanto helps to normalize toxic family dynamics and discourage proper healing and otherwise share absolutely terrible morals that only add more pain, confusion, and alienation for scapegoats and other abuse victims particularly within poor, immigrant, and Latino families with a history of family/generational trauma.../hj). And that's disturbingly common. And a lot of people don't even recognize it as anything other than normal Scapegoat are the most likely to be the truth teller (haha even encanto depicted that, and they made Bruno WAAAAAY too forgiving and eager to lick their boots with really no proper apology let alone any indication of a long term effort to break old patterns and habits and just magically enter into a happy ever after. But that's me "not really being Latine" again, i guess) and they're the most likely to see, acknowledge, and reject the dysfunction. To break the cycles. To go no contact and find effective therapies and chosen family. (queer individuals are, especially historically, very likely to be the scapegoats if not disowned outright. Sometimes even when in the closet but not quite able to live up the gendered expectations or with a knowledge that if they did come out, their parents would hate them. So that's a large contribution to the chosen family culture/history and also part of why it's super easy and not at all "problematic" or "erasing his issues/trauma" to read Bruno or others in his position as being queer and the victim of bigotries from the family, especially older generations) (Meanwhile golden children, like Isabela, have it perhaps the worst in the long run and are most likely to repeat the patterns. They are prone to developing NPD or similar such dysfunctions themselves. They often can't understand or comprehend the issue or any faults within the family/those that praise and validate them, and so internalize they did something vaguely wrong or imperfect and that's why their life falls apart like that. They end up with A need to at least be seen as perfect and ideal and get praised, mixed with the harsh realities that the narcassitic abusers don't actually care at all about them, just their ability to reflect positively on them. once they're no longer filling the role they were. especially if they ever challenge or question the parents. or they get kicked out and lose much support and praise upon becoming an adult that can't easily be controlled and the parents might not want to keep paying to support or really ever validate when they're outside of the family dynamic/house. Hence abandonment and trust issues plus issues with anyone seeing them as flawed, incapable, or lacking in value. And a tendency to identify with and want to protect, coddle, and support the children they have that they can relate to the most or wish they were more like, often making excuses and enabling them even if they then into bullies or the like. Mixed with a strong need for control/people to recognize them as great parents with amazingly behaved "nature for their age" children with little concern given to said children's mental health or sense of security. After all "i turned out fine, they won't be coddled forever anyway". Etc) Peacemakers are caught in between the two. They don't usually get hate but might sometimes take on a golden child role (haha encanto depicted the inverse in Mirabel being mostly the peacemaker but also new scapegoat) But they're "mature for their age" (at least as children. Tends to reverse in adulthood. Cause being mature for your age, repeat it with me,is a sign of shitty parenting and childhood trauma and absolutely should never be an area of praise for child or parent, but if skepticism and compassion for the child) and tend to, on at some level, understand and dislike the dysfunction, but internalize that it's their responsibility to try to "fix it" and keep people from "fighting". It can create anxiety, depression, PTSD, stunted development (especially socially/emotionally/ability to tolerate conflict. They know how to appease and try to stay safe with unhealthy adults, but not how navigate healthy dynamics, act their age/actual development level, or really anything to do with peers), or anger issues later in life..as well as a tendency to stay with and try to fix abusive partners and the like and to feel like no one really cares or helps with their issues and they they have to help keep everything together all the time often on their own or it will all fall apart (this would largely be Luisa within the overall dynamic especially regarding the town at large, obviously. But the plot largely follows Mirabel taking those stresses on and trying to save the house/family/miracle, so it's kinda both of them) It's all a mess. It sucks for literally everyone. Yet few people want to have public discussions, PSAs, or anything else that challenges the parts of culture that promote dysfunction and abuse. And the few times anyone DOES actually explore that they decide to have re message be "just say sorry, hug it out, and remember that family is always the most important thing and the abusers were just trying their best and had their own traumas anyway so just try to be understanding of them kids. Uwu long term damage doesn't exist except for the abusers you aren't allowed to call abusers cause it might hurt their feelings, lmao get wrecked traumatized kids". Fuck encanto btw. So so much.

[@foxyfox9196]

@@Lbhacksaw I'm not the only one that takes these kinds of issues with encanto either btw. Even psychology today has an article going more in depth about the issues with encanto and what it actually promotes. It basically concludes by showing how the ending of the movie perfectly reflects cycles of abuse. especially the gaslighting honeymoon phase in which the abuser seemingly learns that were wrong and learns to value their victims more and care about the pain. For maybe 2 weeks until there's any kind of stress or trying of that commitment. Hence abuse victims feeling trapped in the cycle and being pulled back in repeatedly, even after trying to or actually leaving (or at least recognizing the abuse). Again fuck encanto. But mostly fuck people who claim it's wrong, bad, white, selfish etc to say Bruno should have stayed gone amd told alma to go fuck herself or that "only white people" would care call alma abusive since she "tried her best and had trauma of her own". Okay well news flash about the vast majority of abusive parents, you abuse enabling/glorifying assholes. Fuck this idea that modern Disney "has no actual villains, just complex relationships" Bitch alma ain't less abusive or villainous than mother gothel, full stop. They're even both obsessed with selfishnessly clinging to the "miracle" that manifests as powers dor her "family" that she can exploit and take credit for. And i doubt gothel and her issues came out of a vacuum, even if they weren't explored in canon. Fuck that noise. (On mother gothel. That was a natural flower she had no interest in harming and only kept kinda secret to avoid others trying to destroy it or keep it just for themselves. Some rich assholes decided to immediately kill it and use it all up for one person the minute they did find it. Literally condemning gothel to death. Because they refused to even try to find a way to work with or learn from nature in a non destructive way. That's about as "unjust" as your husband dying in a battle to protect the kids. And depending on past experiences before that, can have the same level of being screwed over and routinely harmed by those with power or a will to impose their demands on the local population.) Both responded to being put in danger by isolating from the larger society (with a tower or small town enclosed by mountains) in which those with that power can't really find or get to them and those they want power over/admiration from can't realistically escape from (very easily anyway). Clinging to the power their child(ren) have to maintain their power and status and sense of security. And both developed heavy narcissistic characteristics as a result that really only seemed to worsen with the isolation and obsession with these Powers of others that she can exploit because of matriarchal status over them. But you know monarchy can be kinda cute and fun to imagine being part of and the "good" and "rightful" kind of privilege and rule. Vs colonizers that simply wish to establish their own monarchy/system of rule that will empower them to excert their power over those living in the area (who they already feel entitled to anyway, but pre war/genocide it's not really legitimized yet by the larger population). So completely different. APPARENTLY. Also brown people totally can't be abusers/narcassitic so stfu and Blame the colonizers exclusively as well as any ("not") abuse victims who hold a grudge or otherwise aren't thriving in life as much as some people think they should. Uwu Uwu Uwu. Also if we're looking at encanto as an abuse metaphor (which is very thinly veiled) they absolutely should NOT have gotten miracles back. Or not the same ones anyway. Those miracles PERFECTLY track with pressures and roles they have within a dysfunctional family. Losing those coping mechanisms that once worked is a core essential part of healing and moving on. Finding new and healthier ways to cope and resolve issues, and letting those things that once protected you to fall away now that they are no longer needed. Giving the miracles back completely undermines that as well as any potential for actual long term changes. So again. Fuck encanto. And fuck anyone who thinks it's at all good or appropriate for children to consume pro abuser propaganda from a young age (perhaps while even living within a similar dynamic). It's like Steven universe. I want to like it. And i want it to be good and cute and comforting for kids. But it's way too pro abuser/actual genocidal Nazis (all in the name of being "pro family". Cause somehow the gayest "kids" show was created by focus on the family or something) Fuck everything about that and these tendencies within media (especially aimed at literal children that don't know better and cannot analyze and critique media as effectively as me or any other adult)

[@kristencampbell7993]

I relate to this. I wasn’t good to my daughter. And I know this. But I took responsibility for my actions.

[@gracevalentine1666]

Brave, honest. As the estranged daughter, disowned and hated, your words to my mother are the therapy no one knows how to do for people like me.

[@doricetimko332]

❤. I too am the shunned daughter ❤️

[@gracevalentine1666]

@@doricetimko332 You’re in luck, there’s a lot more awareness and support now. Happy new you.

[@princemishkin1601]

As an estranged son it is interesting to hear this. In my case I would really love to have a relationship with my mum. We haven't spoken much in 10 years and every day that goes past I have fantasies about fixing it. But there is always this voice in me that reminds me that she doesn't want a relationship with me, but with the role that she has assigned me. Since I am unwilling to adopt that role for my own sense of self respect, she is effectively uninterested. I have tried again and again to point out my boundaries, what is important to me, and what I need. She merely stonewalls me and, then, after several months, makes overtures for me to "stop by". In her eyes, the problem is my feelings and, therefore, if only they would vanish, everything would be fine. She is unable to realise that it is her behaviour that is the problem. It's sad to watch because she is clearly in distress. But not so much in distress that she would examine herself.

[@ellyk8834]

Well said. My mom is the same. She's unhappy I will no longer tolerate her unhealthy/dysfunctional/abusive behavior but not so unhappy as to make the changes necessary to have a relationship. She has no idea what healthy and unhealthy is and instead of contemplating that my feelings are valid she'd rather just see them as the problem. Never mind that I only have the negative feelings I do as a reaction to how I am treated and that only she can change how she behaves. She doesn't see the co-relation between her behavior and her not having what she claims she wants. I guess it's better to think they are 'right' and be seen as the victim of a horrible, ungrateful and entitled child then admit their child is justified in keeping their distance.

[@annstar4306]

WELL SAID ,you are the victim of enmeshed parenting !

[@suesteig3025]

My mom is the same way.

[@suevesely4531]

Maybe. Maybe your mom is unhappy. Maybe she is the entire reason you have left the relationship, I don’t know either of you to say. But your mom is just human. Maybe there is depression she deals with? Maybe you are a bit harsh because you believe you see the problem. Sad because it’s all her fault.

[@ellyk8834]

@@suevesely4531 So what if our mothers are human and potentially depressed?

[@Lady.Luck.]

Wow I am a 35 yr old woman who lived in the same dynamic that you did as a parent. My mother remarried an abusive bully. And my my mother never stood up for herself or us kids. It really destroyed a bond I had for my mother. I always hoped she would stand up for us and make our situation better but that day never came. When I turned 18 I moved hundreds of miles away because home was not safe. I'm now 35 and still live hundreds of miles away. They are still married and as they age, my stepdad is even more of an unchallenged bully. I'm not estranged from my mom but I really don't have a bond with her and I hate going to their house and limit it to a couple times a year because of this. I now see how I basically"ran away" and didn't know how to work through things because of the bullying domineering dynamic in the house

[@paulaw9764]

Mums should always protect their Children from abuse and bullying, no wonder you fled at 18, I think it's unforgivable, but maybe that's just me.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

You CANNOT work through abusive dynamics with bullies until they stop.

[@CareyCommentary]

I moved thousands of miles away from my mom and stayed there for 2 decades. And, when I moved back home to be near her, there was no healing to be had. The stepfather was still there and died 5 days after my mom died. There was never any time with her away from him. It is just so sad. I know the feelings of aloneness that the absence of a bond causes. I will give you one piece of unsolicited advice, because this is what I wish I had done before my mom died... 'communicate the harsh reality of your life that has been caused by this mean stepfather' to your mom, ASAP. And, do it in whatever form that you think best, whether by letter, email, phone call, or in person. I believe that this is important for you to do for yourself before she dies. Chances are that it will not make any difference, but I believe that it will help you. If you let her know that you would like to feel closer to her, but cannot heal the relationship from your side only, perhaps it will have an effect. And, at least you will know that she knows the truth, whether she does anything about it or not. Don't leave her in the dark so that you are left to have to question whether she knows what is impairing your relationship. Although this may not make any difference, you will know that when she dies, she knew the truth. Best wishes,

[@foxyfox9196]

It's irresponsible to promote "working through" an abusive relationship. It's not health or even safe to really try. Especially if there's no bond/natural and mutual desire to "fix the relationship". If there was never a healthy or happy foundation to begin with. Sharing DNA doesn't mean a relationship is necessary or deserved. And it doesn't mean there's any obligation to it or shame in rejecting the abuse/people who don't have your best interests at heart. I will absolutely never again visit my mother so long as the evil stepfather is anywhere nearby. And i will never forgive her for choosing him over me. I doubt she has any real interest in repsiring the relationship despite constantly saying she "just wants to know you're doing okay" and wishes I'd visit/talk to her more. But she never wants to talk about anything serious, and her idea of casual discussion is insulting and putting me or my siblings down, being condescending, and giving tons of opinions that she doesn't like how I'm living my life (she was grooming me to become some kind of a stemlord. Preferably marine biologist or doctor but she'd take programmer or engineer too. i always hated stem, failed 3 years of high school math, and don't see any of that as practical. She also likes marriage, reproduction, and regular careers/full time jobs with max security and benefits. I value non hierarchical environments, working when i feel up to it, and doing all kinds of different things as my interests or abilities shift.) I like working freelance and doing all kinds of jack of all trades stuff. I love traveling. I love variety and not feeling trapped or hopeless either in the work i do, or the environment i do it in (power tripping shitty managers are also very triggering and bring me right back to my stepdad. Absolutely no interest in that, but they no longer bother me so much now that i realized they have no actual power over me unless i give it to them. Which i never will.. Would rather die.) I'll take on regular jobs at times for a quick and decent paycheck. The minute a manager tries to pull an ultimatum, intimidate me, or bully me into doing them a favor, i quit on the spot and just laugh at the schadenfreude of it all. Sometimes with a reference for how sometimes at will employment doesn't just benefit a company trying to get away with illegal discrimination. Considering also quitting with loud verbal statement next time any manager tries to do a wage theft or other blatantly illegal thing to me or others since they're so sure no one will ever do anything about it. That they can just call it a "family" and guilt people into working off the clock to "be a team player/part of the family" and everyone will just feel too much obligation to say "fuck that idea of family. Try competent scheduling next time. I'm out". So i do think i should start doing that too instead of just rolling my eyes and ensuring i do extremely poor work (especially costumer facing) when working off the clock. My mother considers that to be irresponsible, lazy, lacking in commitment, and immature. Funny I think the same about her insistence on keeping a teaching job in Oklahoma that makes her miserable, that she says higher ups won't let her do effectively, is severely underpaid, and may even be doing more harm than good due to state standards and obsessions over rule following (like incessant practices for lining up perfectly straight and silently in kindergarten) compared to time spent on actual educational subjects like letter recognition. Hell she doesn't even really believe in teachers strikes because "too essential" (missing the ENTIRE point of strikes to begin with) and basically had to be bullied into joining the strikes (well she has string opinions against crossing picket lines so a strike existing made her feel bullied into going along with it) a while back for all the issues she always whines about constantly while refusing to do anything to even try to change it (also demanded complete adoration for eventually joining and thus "being a labor leader" and a strong advocate for education, children, and labor. *Rolls eyes*) It's an immature, lazy, irresponsible person that sticks to a job they know they hate everything about, just because it feels more "secure" /it's too scary to look or try for anything else. Even after I've handed her several avenues to make money as a private tutor charging whatever she wants for whoever she wants and working whatever hours are best for her and her medical needs. Possibly even moving to a better state that cares about education and/or healthcare so the public school options might not be so demoralizing. Plus she blatantly regrets having kids and both of her marriages. Why would I repeat those mistakes? I already know I don't like kids and have done more than my part in raising 4 younger siblings while she locks herself in her classroom until the kids are in bed most days. For 10 years. And I don't like feeling trapped (and also I think marriage destroys romance and intimacy by introducing that whole trapped aspect vs knowing day to day you're choosing to be with someone because you both genuinely care about and enjoy being together. ) I'm supposed to just respect her life choices without comments or suggestions, and not question whether they're really for the best, but she can judge and give unsolicited "advice" and basically treat me like I haven't "actually" grown up "yet"??? And it's not at all appropriate for me to tell her to stfu and mind her own business/life?? Because my life doesn't look exactly like hers and isn't half as miserable? When I've been living with NO support from her or any one else from the family of origin at all and with very little contact for over 10 years already? Fuck that. All old pains and unwillingness to actively condemn stepdad aside, that's why I don't call or otherwise try anymore. Not the old issues, but how she treats and talks to me to this day and the things she is and isn't actually interested in. And why I gave up on trying to communicate with, reach, or connect with her (also her refusal of joint therapy). It's always miserable and pointless. She never listens. She doesn't know or care about who I am or what my needs or interests even are. She's hypocritical and has this self superior attitude. And talking to her tanks my productivity for several weeks as those jabs and judgements make it nearly impossible to not remember past issues that she feels victimized by me even acknowledging happened at all because she's "so much better now, the past is the past. Stop wanting me to live in guilt". So yeah, fuck her and her faux concern for the vague concept of a child she wishes she had and likes to project onto me.

[@Thedelilah]

Your mom chose, and is still choosing, that relationship over you. Your bond with her will never get stronger. In due time, I hope your forgive her (because you need it for yourself) and move on, maybe no contact. Let go or be dragged.

[@dianarhyne]

Kenny, what you are doing is a good thing. Thank you. One thing people usually take into consideration is two things: 1. Cell memory, within a person. Ancestral trauma, manifests itself in each of us. 2. We are attracted to and choose our families, based on the above, but we always have the choice, what we do with that. Heal it, or act out.

[@ghostfella]

Thank you for not coddling these parents. Its not natural to reject a parent... it takes a lot over a long period of time for someone to get to that point, and telling these parents they never did anything wrong will just get them nowhere.

[@callmeishmaelk767]

This for sure.

[@deborahdean8867]

He isnt talking about parents who were dysfunctional and did things obviously wrong, he's talking about the responsibility for your own reactions which are codependent and feed into the narcissistic adult kid. I swear the ' kids' who comment on these estranged child videos sure seem hostile and angry in an infantile way.

[@tammy3709]

I totally agree. Who in the hell do they think they are? They are millennials with zero empathy. That’s ok it’ll all come back to bite em

[@allywolf9182]

​@@deborahdean8867it's really sad, isn't it? It's going to take a lot more life for him to figure it out. Big hugs!

[@corneliahanimann2173]

​@@allywolf9182possibly only after all of you are long gone, but he sure we all have been sad for not having a parent long before we cut contact with you.

[@TeresaGrant-dp6df]

Nobody is perfect. If you have to be perfect to have relationships we'd all be alienated.

[@Future_looksbright]

I 100% agree with licensing being required for hair cuts or driving yet not for parenting or relationships.. and I’ll even add cell phones to that list. Crazy. Doesn’t make much sense. Excellent video!

[@robinsmith1218]

I just discovered you today, after spending the morning crying over rejection from two of my cherished daughters. I thought maybe I just couldn't take it anymore. But you're speaking sense. And you have been--are--there. Bless you.

[@kennyweiss]

I’m sad to hear about your loss but happy to hear you’re finding solutions that are helping you😁

[@donnaroman9310]

💜

[@theadster2702]

Robin I too know your pain. Funny thing is I have 2 sons...one not speaking to me...And I aways thought maybe it would have been better if I had a daughter...I am seeing it happens a LOT!!! This is all very wrong. My parents were not perfect in anyway...but we just accepted them. This is a generational problem. And has a lot to do with who they marry. Hang in there!!!

[@robinsmith1218]

@theadster2702 I just saw your reply this morning. I have 6 children. I am now down to 2 who will speak to me. I just feel shattered. We all will have to just have enough love for them to weather this.

[@theadster2702]

@@robinsmith1218 Please be brave and be strong. This generation is SO moved by their friends and online clicks. I KNOW this has a lot to do with who they marry and their closest friends. I always had a close relationship with both my sons. The younger one is not speaking to me now. The older one married a girl who hated her parents...so he started getting weird to me..she ended up cheating on him and they got a divorce. He came back to me saying she was poisoning his mind and he won't let that happen again.. We are GREAT now again. I have gone over the issues of my younger son and they are absurd....crap like Prince Harry (same age) is making mountains out of. Actually hearing about his book has has opened my mind to ....I AM DONE. What is horrible is the fact that time is always running out...we are losing relationships that could stop on the drop of a dime. (death). How sad for wasted years and causing so much pain. I have cried my tears and I am sure he has not!!! For my own mental health I have had to say, "enough....enough of this nonsense....I am done!!!". Of course all of this has been helped through lots of prayer.....Please do the same.

[@amandakropen3273]

My mother taught me about the silent treatment. We were not speaking to each other when she died. No one in the family had even told me about her hospitalization.

[@kennyweiss]

That breaks my heart to hear

[@WimpyWorkouts]

Your loss

[@torkgems]

@@WimpyWorkouts you make me want to say things that will get my account deleted

[@ellyk8834]

@@torkgems I have to bite my tongue a lot as well. I wish some a**holes would grasp that when you come from abuse and dysfunction you are in an ever losing situation. Everything is crappy and painful. All that changes is what form it takes. Stay and have to continue to swallow being abused and mistreated. Leave and be alone and seen as the 'bad guy' for not tolerating further abuse by being present. The only win is when everyone owns reality and works to make the relationships better. And if people could do that then estrangement wouldn't be an epidemic...

[@Bar_Bar27]

@@WimpyWorkouts Not everyone are willing to do anything for money

[@melissaroberts1385]

Love your vulnerability! You are a lovely human being. I am a divorced mother of five beautiful grown children. They have put me on a pedisle in the early years. Now they only reach out when they need something. Too many details to share but your talk is what I was searching for. Getting out of my pity party and placing guilt on my children, not verbally but my way of living. Needed to hear from another parent how you recognize the short comings and willing to learn and be open wanting to reconcile. Thank you!

[@kennyweiss]

You’re welcome 😁

[@akferren1]

I was raised by two narcissists.. I was invisible my entire life and nothing was ever enough..never celebrated, never a kind word, no love or affection ever.. no birthday presents no xmas, didn’t even know I got married and didn’t care about my baby so I went no contact after he was born and was written out of the will.. found out on fb years later they had died.. was never even notified.. I only wish I had gone no contact sooner and saved myself so much grief from two monsters

[@conniesmith5350]

Is it not rare for one narcissist to marry another narcissist???

[@hotmomma1552]

Amen but better late than never 👍🏽

[@suzieparis6821]

Mine very similar... now 2 of my 3 kids dont speak to me from old family stuff my older sister generated to them to keep me shunned.. its very debilatating overall

[@kelleylmiller]

@@conniesmith5350 Definitely not. Both of my parents are narcissists too.

[@vondabyers9425]

@@conniesmith5350 they feed off each other

[@kimortegastrongwarriorbrid5334]

Thank you again Kenny. I love that you practiced what you teach, from your life experiences. You are authentic! 👏👏 I always talk about Kenny Weiss to everyone I can. Ty for redeeming yourself and being a man that others can learn and grow from. This is truly manhood. We need more men like you. 🙏 God bless you abundantly.

[@pizza603]

Sir you randomly popped up on my feed. Im a son who has chosen to go NC with a parent. You are 100% correct. Parents Divorced long ago. The most toxic divorce you can imagine. Us kids were in formative years. My father took responsibility for his role in it, but my mother did not and will not ever accept responsibility for her part in our suffering. To protect my health NC is the only option.

[@GrammieMax59]

You're telling my story. I do blame myself that my daughter's father took off when she was a year old Married when she was 5 & her step dad was the greatest. She was a great kid, no trouble or bad behavior.... until she flunked out of college, then she came home and became increasingly abusive to us, stealing, conning, being horribly disrespectful.

[@jelsner5077]

My father was emotionally and physically abusive to me. I never cut him off completely, but needed to keep him at arms length for my own sanity. When he died, I felt nothing.

[@jelsner5077]

@@Baylorbetterthanbrown Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny protected me from Satan. Then the Tooth Fairy placed a crown of garlic around his head and he was banished from this Realm. Didn't your snake-waving Preacher-Man tell you?

[@danielgermano3505]

Shame on you

[@jelsner5077]

@@danielgermano3505 I conjure the plagues of Iwan, Heles, Arak, Quitela, Champa, Beerus, Liquiir, Sidra, Rumsshi, Belmod and Giin upon you. SO MOTE IT BE! ⚡⛈️🌩️

[@gaylewashburn1137]

Growing up in the 50s, nobody had perfect parents..or grandparents. Especially those granparents that survived the Depression, etc. We were all outdoors playing and being kids, not expecting our parents to sacrifice their lives for us and being emotionally available 24/7. As we grew up and had our own children, we stumbled through it the best we could, not understanding that society and culture were being shaped by television and movies. It's pretty toxic now and the social media efforts to divide and conquer us all via gender, race, politically have been successful. There is a WEF/UN agenda to create a world where everyone is their own little island without family support or a life partner. Historically, the family unit has been the power to fight tyranny. You can google it sometime. Someday the adult children who have rejected their parents because they weren't perfect, will have to look at themselves and realize how imperfect they are. Who will have compassion and empathy for them when they were so intolerant? Nobody loves you more than your mother, even if she has her own emotional trauma to deal with.

[@SummerLeigh12]

Well said! My mother just passed away a few months ago. She was a functional alcoholic. She went through a lot of trauma growing up. She self medicated, but my sister and I always knew she loved us. She was a hard worker. We never alienated from her or kept her grandchildren away from her. She was ill the last 3 years. I cherished every moment we had. She apologized for what we went through, but we loved her unconditionally and forgave her a long time ago. I was kissing her precious face when she took her last breath. It's so hard and I miss her so much. I know she is now at peace, and I am so proud of us! ❤

[@SummerLeigh12]

@timb8652 I'm sorry you were physically abused. Verbal and emotional abuse hurts just as much. Don't have children or even own an animal. Eventually, you will say or do something that will wound their soul forever. You may never be aware. Hopefully, they will love you unconditionally despite your mistakes. Take good care~Agape love and peace. ❤️‍🩹❤️

[@Patricia-ic4ee]

Oh so true,my first son thought that way just because he had been given a better life of good education and went to university he looked down on his parents, we haven’t spoken for 7 years now, the hurt has finished I no longer cry,

[@elizabethy2912]

Very well said!!

[@taraelmegreen5527]

May God bless u ....so true

[@nancyduynslager6981]

Kenny you are truely an Empath, a beautiful person, a care taker, wanting to help people, a loving man who takes responsibility. You have helped me so much today. I will be doing the work out of a Coda Workbook with my Therapist . You are a model of love. A gift from The Most High. He predestined you to do this work helping others

[@Hislittlelamb]

Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story and your wisdom. My favorite part was how you connected your daughter’s passive-aggressive estrangement to “who taught her that”. Wow, same here but I never connected the two. I’ve been estranged from my daughter for 6+ years. She wasn’t honest with me, although I knew the real reason, because I spoke up about the way she was abusing her son, my grandson. As the lost child/scapegoat in my Family of Origin (FOO) they (my mom, sisters, nieces), ex-husband, and my own self-demeaning behaviors led to my children & their spouses scapegoating me as well with my daughter completely cutting ties with me. I rarely hear from my son, not even acknowledging gifts I’ve sent him for birthdays or Xmas or calls on Mother’s Day (ouch). I started therapy the beginning of this year, learned about dysfunctional family systems, my role as scapegoat and the survival beliefs I took on as a child that are keeping me stuck. I did have to go No Contact with my siblings, family “friends” and extended family that I now realize are part of what I call the “Cult of Mom”. Understanding the role I played, and separating myself from that system has enabled me to be more forgiving and accepting of myself for the really poor choices I’ve made in life. Along with that acceptance comes responsibility, accountability, understanding how I’ve damaged my kids on a deeper level as well. I’m hopeful that my recovery may give hope to the scapegoats in my own family and my scapegoated grandson.

[@kennyweiss]

Beautifully said

[@michelepascoe6068]

Thanks for sharing your story. I too, stayed in relationship with my mother even while being treated with contempt and humiliation over long periods of time. My adult children have told me that I confused them by teaching them to be assertive in other situations, but being a doormat to my mother. I did not protect them from her, even when they pleaded, "We don't want to visit Granny!" I'd say, "Let's pray for Granny and forgive her. I'll bake a cake, and you draw her some pictures and we'll go and visit her again!" I am very sorry, but so much damage has been done, and I permitted it.

[@trinity5842]

You have worked really hard. I had to deal with disrespect from my parent and that was the last straw for me. After a traumatic childhood and adolescence I was put in dangers way too many times and now I have emotionally cut myself off and physically now I must put myself first.

[@kennyweiss]

Thank you very much and I’m sad to hear that your childhood was so hurtful

[@confusedwhynot]

I have adult children who won't talk to their father. I understand their feelings and the risk of being hurt again. I just wish that they would all work these issues out. Forgiving, changing unhealthy behavior, being honest, facing the truth, and talking about things can heal wounds that run deep. My husband and I are not living together. He has a lot of things he needs to work on and trust needs to be rebuilt. I pray for them all every day. I cannot change them but I can be an example for good.

[@yvonnecake5600]

I think it's beautiful that you have so much love for your children to want to show them who you are as a person. It's so much easier to be a parent to young children but definitely difficult to be parents to adult children. Somewhere that parent role changes but convincing our hearts to change is tough. Thank you for sharing this. Forgiveness to those that hurt us definitely isn't enough to fix our pain, but finding a way to get to the root is so worth it. I'm so thankful for finding you and your videos.

[@AstroBaby91]

My parents were emotionally neglectful and still are to this day. They dismiss my feelings, so I dismissed them.

[@deloreslate4028]

I’m sure your the problem. They probably feel better without your winey ass.

[@ellyk8834]

@@deloreslate4028 Wow. Abusers will side with other abusers even when they don't know them. Charming...

[@skr8674]

@@ellyk8834she’s right!

[@ellyk8834]

@@skr8674 I totally agree with @AstroBaby. My comment was to someone who criticized them and sided with the parents even without knowing them. Survivors need to stick together.

[@chriscampbell9207]

Totally understood. God bless you and may you find true love with God in your life and others who DO hear and love you

[@Lorenzo-py5hs]

Wow you described my life... My dad went really distant from me in my 20s. Im 33 now and have to tell my son tall tales about him like hes passed away, but he only lives 10 minutes away. But hes really there for my step sisters kids. We havent spoke in a long time but he never wants to talk about anything meaningful. Especially as a father now it tears me apart, and now i dont know how to reconcile the situation.. but im greatful i found this because this info will make me a better father for my son. Thank You

[@carinarrigo4225]

Kenny, this hits hard. After my children decided to estrange themselves from me almost twelve years ago, I am just now recognizing how my past impacted my parenting. Conflict? I spent the majority of my life being “nice”, only to avoid adversity. The work I’ve done over the years, yes, the reality of self-reflection is the KEY to healthy relationships. This is the reason I’m now a better mom than I was. I’m grateful to have found your sane and vulnerable perspective.

[@ensignj3242]

Thank you for being so completely open and honest. People do not like looking at themselves instead of blaming others.

[@theartistjodievans]

My oldest is a mentally ill narcissist who refuses to live in reality. The last time I saw him was when my daughter was rescuing me from his traumatic abusive behavior towards me. Now I have no contact with my grandchild, and my son has influenced my other son against me as well. I have made it very clear that if they want to live in reality and talk it out, I’m here. They choose to not talk or try to repair our relationships. At least I still have my girls.

[@Jenna-ux8rz]

When you seek out sage advice and realize every therapist out there is worse off than you :(

[@C-eq1tj]

I’m almost 50 years old and estranged from my parents by my own initiative. I do not feel guilty. I’m sad it had to come to this point. I tried my whole life to communicate with them and was shut down or blamed. I have also confronted other abusive family members and apologized for my past wrongs, doing the inner work and continual self evaluation. None have taken accountability for their actions and none have admitted their own failings. Yes, they believe they are gods, as they are narcissistic. I had to exit the family due to the stress of various abuses by family that caused chronic health problems. I have forgiven them. Reconciliation is a two way street. For now, I’m walking the other way.

[@hiddenhand6973]

Thank you for this video. I do not believe all conflict can be resolved. For abusive parents or children who refuse to take responsibility or accountability conflict cannot be resolved.

[@Thepathof77]

Sometimes we take too much responsibility. Sometimes we take what isn’t ours to stick with those we value the most, even though that takes from the value of what we are. That makes us feel better. To take that responsibility. It is overwhelming. And sometimes we make the mistake of taking ownership of what we shouldn’t because we are the adults. That doesn’t make us sick. That makes us desperate to heal what isn’t ours to heal.

[@bronwentownsend5601]

Yes, alienators tell outright lies to the children and then we are expected to take accountability for outright lies and events that never happened.

[@jentbotbfa]

I can completely relate to your story. I’ve learned a lot in the last year after leaving my husband. Doing the hard work and the deep dive to heal. Praying my family will be whole again one day.

[@kennyweiss]

Thank you for sharing your story Jenn. Sending my best wishes for your journey :)

[@jentbotbfa]

@@kennyweiss Thank you Kenny!

[@pennymanter-miller2294]

Thank you for your video. You've done the work now let it go and put your adult children in God's hands and move on! I'll be 69 on Wednesday and know only God can heal our hearts and relationships after we've done the work. God bless and happy New Year to us all!

[@patjohnson6393]

I totally agreed about our accountability we need to take for who we chose to have babies with ,choosing mates.

[@user-sn5yd3ze6n]

Wow! Your insights and accountability are truly inspiring. It gives me back the hope that I thought I had lost for my relationship with my mother. I am currently estranged (by choice) from her. Ive reached out multiple times over the years to address some issues and move forward. She "dosent remember" "wasnt there for that" or "must have blocked it out". Her number one exuse is that it was my fathers fault. I will not feel safe having her in my life until the abusive behaviors are addressed. The parental estrangement community needs more voices like yours. Thank you.

[@brandymarie000]

I’m only 10 minutes into the video, and I already know that I’m subscribing. You have a beautiful way of articulating your thoughts. Thank you. I’m thinking of sending this to my dad who I haven’t spoken to or seen in person for five years. Also, I really hope that you find some clarity and resolution in your relationship with your children. I know you said it was okay. but I imagine how my father feels without having the emotional competence to express it. knowing that you have devoted your energy into transforming your approaches as a parent and being accountable for the inevitable imperfections you embodied during parenthood… that is beautiful and inspiring and I hope you recognize deeply that you are not a bad guy.

[@kennyweiss]

Thank you for your kind words and support. I hope your father can hear you and lets you in.

[@peopleunite3605]

I took responsibility and apologized to my adult children for contributing to their feelings of abandonment. They still want nothing to do with me. Ready the Myth of Normal by Gabor and Daniel Mate. It takes two willing adults to move the 'parental role' into 'friendly mature adults'.

[@ellyk8834]

And if one party (the parent) abused the other when they were helpless to get away from your abuse why are you acting like it's some failing on their part when they tell you to f**k off and stay gone? Maybe because you're still acting like a know-it-all and superior? Abusers don't get to play the mature and superior role. Mature and superior people don't abuse because they have better and healthier life and behavioral skills. Lower yourself and stop acting like you're better and *maybe* your adult off-spring will see your humility as a sign you have grown up and actually understand and are taking responsibility for being sub-par.

[@ellyk8834]

@Tim B Exactly. "I'm sorry you feel appropriately mad/sad/unhappy with the abuse I perpetrated on you. But... Your feelings are your problem." It's a definitely slap in the face to tell someone you're sorry they have negative feelings about their crappy behavior. If you just didn't feel crappy about being treated like crap then the problem would go away. No point in pointing out that the person's negative feelings would also go away if the abuser was actually sorry they hurt you and committed to ending the behavior. I guess victim blaming is easier...

[@CareyCommentary]

I don’t know if I am going to make it through your video. First of all, you seem to believe that all of our situations are the same because our children are estranged from us. My ex walked on me like I was a doormat and my children have treated me that way also. I have apologized enough and I am not going to take the abuse anymore. I told my son that I am not apologizing any more. I am not going to take the verbal abuse of him dressing me down any more. I told him to get a counselor and work his issues out with them. I am not going to spend the rest of my life being torn down.

[@taniadolphy5122]

You definitely deserve respect. Keep your boundaries and your self-respect. Best of luck ❤.

[@joegranillo7216]

Welcome to the new norm. It’s a tsunami of victims (mostly men) due to new era feminism and left wing social programs to create a socialist system. To enslave us by breaking up families, bank acct. and throwing children into medicinal therapy…

[@marcimccann1109]

Oh my heart❤ Thank you for speaking the truth wrapped in love. This was very helpful. I am committed to do whatever it takes to own my crap and take responsibility. My hope is through baby steps there can be healing in my relationships.

[@christahill7151]

No, not all of us are estranged because of not taking enough responsibility.

[@gabrielekstamp9838]

Thank you, this was very helpful. I have been trying to understand for a long time why my kids are estranged. Now I’m starting to understand. I left a physical and emotionally abusive marriage after 17 years and I know it was my fault that I picked the wrong person to marry and didn’t leave right away. I have been working on my relationship with my children for twenty eight years now but they don’t want me around and I have accepted it.

[@kennyweiss]

It sounds like you were perfectly imperfect and just like everybody else we’re not taught how relationship dynamics work and so you were human. It also sounds like you’ve been trying to heal and grow since then and do the best you can. If it were me I would work on forgiving myself and continue my growth and who knows what the future brings

[@Sally-ih6ls]

My heart goes out to you, been 7 months for me, can’t imagine 17 years, I’ll be dead by then. It’s time to heal yourself, that’s right. We r. It perfect but others have their expectations of us…seems it’s easier to walk away a few hurt someone than it is to work through issues by going to family counselling together, or talking to each other

[@kimpeterson4846]

Me too ✋️

[@pamforrester844]

Please don't beat yourself up further, abuse is never the victims fault, sorry but your kids should be ashamed, they should be grateful you got out and are ok. You didn't have twenty twenty hindsight and never would have married an abuser. Please don't carry guilt. You are and we're the vctim

[@JH-kv7ns]

🌸🌸🌸🌸

[@Future_looksbright]

1) Trauma we experienced as child is brought into our adult relationships 2) Our children become our emotional condition. Very interesting facts you pointed out, thanks.

[@kimpeterson4846]

I heard this put as Your Present is Your Children's Past. That's true. My "present" was a horrible nightmare. That is their past....I am so sorry. I know I did a lot wrong...trying to right ALL THAT WAS WRONG. I didn't have the power to make that happen. The X is dead and on a pedestal now. I asked my youngest why, she said "because he's dead." I can't compete with the dead.

[@karmenmayaguerra9534]

I love how you understand that you need to work on being the father should have been. My father abandoned me, as well as my son’s father abandoned him. It is really hard not having a father in our lives...

[@DHW256]

I'm sorry you've endured this sad situation, and proud that you're making an effort. I walked away from "Miss Information", our pathological narcissist mother, after 46 years of her abject abuses. The fact is she never called, never visited, never even sent mail to check on me or my family over the 28 years since I left home: but she was quick to misconstrue everything I said, every moment I spent with her, so she might look like a victim of my machinations. Perhaps the reason is she projected the regret for my birth, as I was the reason she couldn't leave Dad for failing to be a perfect father to her first child, a bastard. Every effort to confront her was met with rage and contempt, gaslighting, pretty much the devil in a dress. She projected the shame and guilt of who she was onto everyone she despised, everyone she felt wronged her simply for breathing. Dealing with her crap was a relentless, absurd exercise, the details would likely make your skin crawl.

[@verahinnant8021]

I have the same thing with 2 of my 4 children. I tried recently to contact my son after 24 years. All he wanted to know if I still had a couple of things he wanted. I am not the blame for his attitude. I tried but I know now how it really is. The other one stole some important pictures and things from me. I have ask several times please send me back the pics. NO answer. I'm now 83 and I just have to let it go. My last few years I want peace. My other 2 kids are wonderful people and very loving to me. In fact a couple of years ago I moved in with my son. I'm very happy. I will always love them and just have to move on.

[@Ajensen4915]

I'm currently dealing with this myself. There is so much truth to what you said in this video and I bawled my eyes out. I wish I was in a financial situation where I could have you mentor me, but I am not. I am a single mother of a daughter who ran away from home 2 years ago to live with her father. He took everything from me and I am trying desperately to find me. I lost everything when my daughter left. It's so hard to admit the hard truths that in some ways I did fail her because of my own upbringing. My story is a sad one, like so many others. I would be open in the future to having you mentor me Kenny when my financial situation changes. I'm just drowning in hurt and anger etc... I need to figure out how to parent me. Currently because of the situation with my daughter I had to move in with my parents to survive. 2 years later I am resenting being here and resenting them. I do love them, but was never taught by them how to love myself in order to love others. HELP!!!

[@AmirBasri-y6j]

“I did fail her because of my upbringing “ is deflecting the blame. It wasn’t your fault how you were brought up, but it was your responsibility to deal with it and you didn’t. You can, but you’ll need to take responsibility

[@wambuialice957]

By saying this loud, means she is taking responsibility. You, on the other hand sounds judgemental.@@AmirBasri-y6j

[@bonniesmith605]

I am amazed how often I’m hearing this. The husband abandons and destroys his wife, and the kids suck up to the dad! EMDR with a good therapist helped. E heal from the past pain of 47 years of deception and helped me no longer feel like a victim and take charge of how God wanted me to go forward! It’s just the beautiful beginning of a new journey!

[@fcweddington]

I never had a problem with my dad until recent. He's on his 4th marriage. I honestly liked all of my step-moms until now. The current one is nothing but a bag of passive aggressiveness. Talks my dad into moving 10 hours away and then lays constant guilt trips on me for not visiting.

[@jamesf3148]

This guy makes some good points about accountability. But the thing that this guy is not pointing out is that not speaking to a person who is threatening or abusive or dangerous is a form a conflict resolution. Your adult children are on the same plane as you, and if you want a relationship with them, you need to accept that.

[@cryst2hu]

I didn't realize how damaged I was by my mother until I was in my 30's, I love her no matter what, I know she loves me but doesn't know how to show it. I could be like my sister and refuse to talk to her but I don't want to hurt her more then she is. All I can do is be better for my kids. And I think I've done a pretty good job with my children. One thing I learned to do that my mother never taught me was to apologize and take responsibility and I do believe my relationship with my children are better for it.

[@eloiseramsey9276]

My daughter has always gotten mad at me and stop talking to me. I normally would go over to her place and she would eventually start talkin to me again.but this last time was different. Something happened with my baby sister and her that had nothing to do with me, and I notice she seemed a bit annoyed when I talked about my sister. One day she called me and accused me of talking about my grandchildren to my sister and my mother, I didn't know what she was talking about but after that she just quit talking to me. I decided I needed to let her alone and not go to her and let her come to me when she was ready. Sometimes our kids can get very prideful and pride can stop you from working it out with people. So I pray that God will deal with her pride and mine because there are things I need to teach her before I die. I'm not sick, just getting old.🙏😌

[@rachanddennis06]

I’m the estranged daughter. I came across this and even more understand how toxic, dysfunctional and broken my relationship, or lack there of is with my mom. I was a run away at 17. My step dad was abusive and she allowed it time and time again. Instead of owing up to the abuse she allowed she blames my step dad. She had two affairs, involved me and my two brothers in them. She takes ZERO responsibility to this disaster of an upbringing.

[@WimpyWorkouts]

Love her anyway

[@rachanddennis06]

@@WimpyWorkouts she has my love but she doesn’t deserve my time. I don’t hate her. I feel sorry for her actually. I just refuse to be her human punching bag.

[@lykel3520]

Love her because she is your Mom. But, you don"t take responsability for her and her needs. Live your life in peace as much as possible.

[@ravenclaw783]

Then they want to be part of our lives when they are old and alone and act like everything they put us through is just a figment of our imagination. Yep, I know. Then they go on social media and their friends and complain. No child will estrange themselves from a good parent. It takes a lot of pain for a child to estrange themselves from a parent. Hope things work well for you Rach. Sending you hug 💘

[@anniehead8523]

@Happy Dog

[@user-xg4ij5uk7u]

My daughter is AWOL and I have to hold off on forcing my will and eagerness to reconcile. I had a Toxic Unhealthy childhood yrs of Trauma. New something was off and didn't address it..Rather Coping mechanisms and the nasty biz that established and maintained my Smoke and mirrors for everyone I was a terrible son brother husband father friend and have taken ownership and healed. I provoked my daughter and didn't have a clue what Fathership looked like or job really was. Don't blame my daughter And her decisions on our relationship. Making sure that I have healed and Free From the emotionally crippled Father I was.Not inviting any part of whom I was with her...

[@Elizabeth-dx3cm]

Yes thank you so very much ,I am older ! Even from a young age this attitude of " BLAMERS, gotta have a scapegoat, if One is a single parent and each and every day as a young girl { ALONE} You gave all you had and I have no issues I am no Saint but I am not a BLAMER,MY Mv choices I take responsibility for myself but not the rest of the world,Thank each of you for kindness and understanding ,may we all rise above what we can not control

[@stevehartwell1861]

If the children choose to walk away, let them go, do not pursue. If they come back, then you evaluate the relationship and have real choices to make.

[@suskelleykelley7241]

You may be right but when your child truly takes responsibilities then I was ready to forgive!! He has told me it was a miracle how I forgave him and repeats how cruel he was!! Ofcourse I don't start up a fight and just listen. I admit I use to call and tell that he needs to respond to my text faster and whine about about what he should do!! Now if it takes time and I don't hear from him in a few weeks I wait for him to call or text and don't lecture!! He seems to love it and respect me more when I say " ohh I realize ya got a wife child a demanding job and you need time for your free time to relax!! Lol

[@daisygirl1217]

When one of our children walk away from us, the love should stay no matter what. It's called unconditional love and I think a lot of us have lost sight of that.

[@stevehartwell1861]

@@daisygirl1217 unconditional love is nonsense. Let a person go if they want.

[@JH-kv7ns]

I sure haven’t forgotten unconditional love towards my 2 daughters

[@mariecarty2422]

I have a daughter who has a 20 year old daughter, their only child, whose been lured away through the internet….a terrible heartache and worry, my heart aches for them, but because me and my husband who are in poor health, in our late 70’s, living many states away haven’t jumped in to help, we are bad parents, cold and heartless. They’ve cut us off and my heart is broken…I don’t get it, but I know at this point we have to let go and let God.

[@daisygirl1217]

I can appreciate all that you said. I also appreciate learning from someone who has lived it. The problem with therapists is that they have not lived it and really have no idea of just how hard it really is. I personally have lost hope with therapists, so maybe it's time to go back to what I used to do and start reading self help books again. At least this time around the abuser is no longer near me and won't be able to push me off my path as he has done so many times before. I pray eventually that my son will open his heart and also heal it at the same time. We are both very wounded souls and we both had shitty parents.

[@kittykittycat8379]

If your son had a shitty parent. Then that means youre a shitty parent too

[@ellyk8834]

Well, at least you own he had sh*tty parents...

[@juliegloer786]

Thank you for being real. I appreciate your honesty. I am imperfect as well and I will do everything in my power to improve myself for my children 🙏

[@DSS712]

24:47 I say this with compassion as someone who has recently cut contact - some things you say in this section of the video are the likely reasons why you've yet to gain back the favor from your kids. First, you talk about your kids making a "snap judgement." This phrase is just about the farthest you can possibly get from an accurate description of a parental cut off. A parental cut off comes from literally a LIFETIME of cognitive dissonance, with your gut telling you you don't feel safe with your parent(s) but society and your parents telling you that they are the safest people for you. The only way the word "snap" would make sense here is if you compare a parental cutoff to the "snap" of a breaking rubber band which has been stretching out for the entire child's life. They finally gain the courage to trust their gut rather than the false reality they've been told about their entire lives. Please understand this. Next, you say that the children are "in denial," when in reality the decision to cut contact came from NOT being in denial for the very first time in their lives, after being exposed to mental health resources that confirmed their gut feelings about their parents not being an emotionally safe place for them. Finally, you say that "much of the estrangement is lack of forgiveness for themselves" and carry on to say how it is still your responsibility to teach them emotional management skills that you still believe them to be lacking in. Listen...I can tell that you are putting in a tremendous amount of effort to grow, overcome, and eventually get your kids back in your life. If my parents did even 1% of the incredible self reflection you've done, I would believe that pigs can fly. And while I know that you are coming from a good place when you talk about modeling healthy emotional management skills for your kids as a way of gaining back your favor, I feel like you are SOOOO close, but still missing the point in a fundamental way. And here's what it is: You are still failing to see your children as competent individuals that exist separately from yourself. Let me explain. If your children have cut contact, it is because they have already begun a process called "reparenting." In other words, they are learning (or have already) learned those emotional management skills from somewhere/something other than their literal parent. They do not need you in order to learn these skills because they have long since come to terms with the fact that they had to seek out other ways to learn these skills. In 2023 there are widely available resources for how to "reparent" one's inner child, and many estranged children are successfully learning coping skills on their own, with a therapist, or with other mental health resources. When you suggest that it is still your job to teach your kids these skills like forgiveness and coping well into their adulthood, you are continuing to infantilize them and view them first and foremost as immature extensions of yourself that cannot grow to maturity and competency themselves unless YOU are the one to personally lead them there. You are still failing to have faith in your kids to find their own path. You are still trying to convince yourself that your kids NEED you. You are still trying to convince yourself that your kids will be better off with you in their life. This seems to be your last obstacle. Only once you fully and deeply accept that your adult children do not NEED you, you can begin to understand if and how it is possible to create a relationship that is based on them WANTING you in their life. because that is the best outcome you can hope for. I know it is heartbreaking, but your chance to be your child's mentor has long since expired. If your goal is still to be in their life as someone who gives them guidance and wisdom, I'm sorry but that isn't going to happen. That chance has expired and you need to start grieving it. What your children MIGHT still be open to one day is having you simply as someone to spend time with. Someone to connect with. Someone to be an equal with. Someone to have a completely unenmeshed low pressure adult relationship with, just like any other adult they would have a healthy relationship with. The moment you go back to the mindset of them "needing" you for guidance, of you thinking you know better than them, of you seeing their adult self as your redemption arc for your failure to teach them back when they were children, you will lose them again in a heartbeat. Mourn the failed opportunity. Grieve it and move on. Trust them to be okay without your guidance. More importantly, trust yourself to be okay without their presence or validation of your value. You might see some contact return if you can genuinely reach those truths. I truly wish you the best

[@jansimpson4364]

@@DSS712 Thank you for this - this is the best thing I’ve read in these comments. This feels exactly like what my son would be thinking. He needed to be seen as competent and complete in himself and didn’t feel we saw him that way. We were too quick to offer help instead of just listening. I’ve learned a lot in therapy about healthy equal relationships, something I’ve rarely achieved for myself, so I get it now. I’ve had to exit relationships with friends who couldn’t see me as equal so I get it. I hope someday I’ll get a chance to try again with him but I’m ok either way. It’s often harder to go back and rework a relationship that wasn’t healthy than to just improve your choices in future relationships. So I understand.

[@westcoastswingmusic]

You are helping make the world a better place Kenny! ✨️

[@GenerallySmiling]

Ok. The effect you are having on me.... The pain in you, brings out the pain in me, and I cry. I cry because of many emotions going on at the same time....I feel pain, deep deep pain, but I also feel safe to show it and feel it with you at the helm I don't feel safe showing and feeling it when I am at the helm. Who knows what would happen...I am afraid of spinning out of control and completely loosing it. I, like you said, don't know how to navigate these waters, these very deep waters that run within me. The wounds are very very scary and the guilt and shame that arises with them to the surface are almost unbearable. I think you HAVE to be radical about facing them. It is so EASY to continue to blame other factors that played a part - and there are no doubt many - and it is 1000x harder to face oneself - that I now fully understand why you push SO HARD on this concept of focusing solely on yourself. I recognized thoughts that would arise while listening to you. Things like "but he is not even mentioning anything at all about the whole family system that contributed, the possibility of the circumstances that I was thrown into beyond my control, NOTHING. But after a while, I realized that for the purposes of healing and forgiving and just being able to deal with this enstrangement situation and to think of the remote possibility that could thrive in my life again....ALL of my energy towards that HAS to be focused on ONLY what I can control and do. For the purpose of all that, nothing else matters.....at all. I see that the ONLY purpose of bringing up all those other factors that contributed was to take a break from the pain of facing my own wounds. I could very easily face others' wounds and point them out and notice how they played a part. That was relatively easy. But that only assured that I would remain stuck in a very powerless victim orientation. It feels good to commiserate with others who share this same life struggle, but it does not contribute to the healing part of the process. Kenny, I want to thank you for your infinitely deep passion around this matter and using it to both heal yourself and to bring that same healing opportunity to the rest of us. I realize now that I have to find my own purpose that evokes that same level of passion to give me the motivation and drive to effectively heal. Because right now, in my present moment, I am too depressed to care much anymore. I am tired and my self esteem is very low. I don't know my value. Am I even worth the trouble? Hmmmm - maybe that is my wounded child showing up again.