17 Very Normal Phrases That Threaten Narcissistic Parents (But Break Their Control!)

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@Aquarius285]

Hello Jerry, how can i make wise searching for the American documents who tells me the i am addopted?Mabye....

[@carolkotcheck6065]

Unless you’re a small child. Try not having parents at all, then. No shaming having to survive, especially here, please.

[@nadineelizabeth195]

I'm sitting crying rn i can't cope with this psychological torture anymore. And everyone thinks these people are nice and you are the bad guy. It's so damaging

[@dawntreader815]

YES IT IS. You are not alone in this!! But they play the short game and lose in the long game.

[@karablake9200]

I'm here with you. My folks have lied, cheated, and stolen to build and keep their reputation, their money, and their control over my independence. I said no to the family holidays, and there is still so much complexity in my head and in practical matters.

[@mt72137]

We can and will get through this!

[@dawntreader815]

@mt72137 Yes!!!

[@paulineklostermann5877]

I know all about it, I am grandmother and was the famely scapegoat from my narcessistic famely. It is realey painful. I left my famely 4 months ago I was destroied . But now my health goes better and the can not hurt me anymore. I wich you love and power from Holland ❤

[@Oreganoothyme]

1 I did this on my own 2 no, thank you 3 I disagree 4 that's not how I remember it 5 I'm really happy with how this turned out 6 you might be wrong about that 7 I've made plans already 8 I need some space 9 I got help from ____ (other person) 10 I know what I'm doing/ I've got this 11 I'm okay with failing, I'll be okay 12 I achieved ________ (achievement) 13 Can we talk about this later? 14 That's not what I want 15 Let's agree to disagree 16 I decided to go to someone else's suggestion 17 I think this works better for me Let them be triggered. Focus on reducing your reactivity to their response Be okay with disappointing them, real maturity is going to include disappointment of others Plan self-differention responses in advance

[@tcancella7286]

Thank you for the awesome summary!!!

[@mkneely4539]

THANK YOU for this wonderful list.....I'm going to print it out and look at it every day. It's a balm for the soul.

[@ammar9700]

@@mkneely4539 absolutely

[@MsRocksa]

Thank you! 😊

[@HolisticHealing77]

Thank you. Working on this with my financial autonomy with my father who wants to do a forensic audit of my bank account as if he owns me...

[@amywuester136]

We had a baby shower for my daughter's 1st baby. My narc mom lives 2 states away and due to some health issues can no longer travel. In a family video chat I made sure to try to include her by telling her all about the theme decor, plans, and food beforehand. Then I sent the chat tons of pics and told them all about it afterwards. My mom never even acknowledged that it happened, let alone express how happy she was that so many local friends had come to shower my daughter with love. (She's not got dementia or Alzheimers.) Her own granddaughter and coming great-granddaughter. Everyone else in the chat noticed and communicated privately to me how sorry they were that she was completely ignoring this major event in our lives. As she's gotten older she's not being able to pull the wool over everyone else's eyes. She's finally being seen for who she's always been. I'm both delighted and sad. 😢

[@Strawssie1]

It’s amazing how narcissistic parents wanna be viewed as a protectors, caregivers etc, but never wanted to perform these functions. They want their child to be emotionally connected to them, but they have no obligation to maintain such connection, in fact they can’t stand it. Narcissists are full of contradictions. And it is so confusing and therefore damaging for a child, because ultimately he is the one who feels crazy and can't trust himself

[@bereal6590]

Truth. Then when you hit the kerb, they go, there you go you are crazy.

[@okaycola2]

As long as they don’t actually have to protect you then fine.

[@threefreaksonaleash6619]

Very true!

[@GlobalistGazette]

Excellent point 👍🏻

[@soulawakening_com]

this summary is "spot on" - thank you!

[@mrsqueakthecat.8061]

That is me. The more independent I became, the more my dad tried to sabotage me. When a friend of mine and I started a business and it took off, he absolutely lost it instead of being happy for me. Everything got worse from there.

[@MzBAnthony]

Smh

[@Shel-y5w]

Family is not always blood. Esp a family system w NPD. Disengage. No explanation needed. Not one fond memory. Good Rids. Best decision made

[@Shel-y5w]

NPD's compete. Incapable of love, authenticity and any true connection. DISORDERED and jealous of all good qualities they do not possess. Dangerous too

[@MLP8044]

Awful, so sorry to hear that. Its gotta hurt!

[@charthers8903]

This is my father - same thing happened when I got a prestigious job straight out of law school, when I got a beautiful loving girlfriend and when he heard how much money I made a year - I’m sad and ashamed to say he succeeded in sabotaging some of these things to the point I lost them

[@katiefrankie6]

I insisted on getting an Airbnb the last time we visited my husband’s family. They were NOT HAPPY. Guess what? We were thrilled! We could use the bathroom whenever we wanted, come and go as we pleased, and there was no being walked in on/harassed.

[@syguzman5739]

I'm so sorry about you being walked in on! That must have been embarrassing! Imagine getting dressed and someone walks in like you don't deserve a minute to yourself.

[@katiefrankie6]

Oh, it happened so often! I’d be trying to get dressed and someone would barge in. We’d be trying to sleep and they’d come in and stand over us and strike up a conversation. I even got walked in on in my own house drying my hair - sans clothing! His folks just have no sense of boundaries. We’d get scolded for taking a shower everyday (“Why do you have to do that? I have to go to the bathroom and I have prostrate issues. No one needs to shower everyday.”) Then the time it was almost 80 degrees in their house after midnight in October and I opened the window a crack to get some air. Husband’s dad suddenly appears in the darkness: “WE DON’T DO THAT.” I refuse to stay there anymore. I just can’t.

[@syguzman5739]

@katiefrankie6 Wow!

[@katierucker2870]

Dang, that’s insane! I’m sorry you went through that. I’ve always been nervous to go on “family vacations” with my in laws and with their personal friends as well. I told my husband he can go, but doesn’t even want to anymore really lol. They just talk about themselves. My mil told my husband when we started dating that she didn’t want to get close to me, and now she’ll be like where’s Katie at. She’s completely clueless and always plays victim. I dodged a bullet in a way.

[@Christine_Lawson]

I tried this on my last holiday with a parent, I said I was going to go back to my house every other night. The look of hatred and fury, blazing eyes! Like "How Dare You" Then all the comments "You don't need to go home/ What, you're going to leave me all on my own when I've come all this way to see you/ You are so selfish" So I blocked them instead and never went on the holiday at all

[@sharonchristian8508]

"Mom, I didn't ask for your approval" was an end of her control.

[@taleandclawrock2606]

Brilliant and courageous. ❤

[@KarlheinzSchmidt-zo1uw]

Wow great sentence

[@mirnacudiczgela1963]

Whatever I tried to tell my narcissistic mother made her even more furious.

[@sharonchristian8508]

@@mirnacudiczgela1963 But how did it make you feel? I suggest you let go of her behavior and hold onto your emotions and statements of your selfhood. Ultimately you belong to you.

[@warangel4389]

i told mine - find someone else to blame your unhappiness on- been free since 2015- never want to be around my mother again. At 55 i broke free from being abused.

[@tally551]

Oh, i did the "i disagree" and got thrown out of the family. Too much autonomy.

[@1989thelonestar]

That's good they you got thrown out don't feel sad

[@Love2all-tz3fh]

Good for you!

[@tally551]

@@1989thelonestar I'm not sad about being thrown out tbh. It was the best thing my mother could do because it confirmed the patterns I saw. But it takes me time to process the fact that all those negative feelings I had for years she told me were not real are so damn real. Like the feeling that my mother is not able to love me the way I needed growing up as a kid. That was so real.

[@AA-iy4gm]

It's a hive mind, resistance is futile (if you stay).

[@stantheman4964]

How dare you disagree with me ! you ungrateful... After everything I have done for you ! 😂😂😂

[@TheKatyPB]

My parents forced me to depend on them my entire life. I never understood it was harmful until they used it as a weapon, and took away support to manipulate. Thank you for your posts, Jerry.

[@AA-iy4gm]

They positioned it as if they are helping you but really they were using you to fill their emotional holes, to be the entertainment when they're bored, to be parentified instead if them finding age-appropriate friends, going to therapy, working on their relationship and getting hobbies. Instead they created codependency and enmeshment with you because it benefited them but they made it appear as if it's benefiting you. Glad you saw the manipulation and that you have awareness, stay strong.

[@Pfpfpfpfpf2020]

Oooof glad I'm not the only one. Also so grateful I was able to get my education because without it, I would never have been able to escape.

[@bereal6590]

I hear you ✌️

[@okaycola2]

Yep

[@fifteenbyfive]

I'm sorry that happened to you Katy I hope you find new strength ahead.

[@MrMasterDebate]

I grew up with so much abuse I struggled with chronic fatigue and brain fog that I spent years trying to solve , nearly a decade. And once I went no contact it was cured in 3 years. Everyone panicked when the scapegoat (my disabled dad) died of cancer and tried to find a replacement and the abuse got so bad I was scared to open the door. Now I left and I’m happy for the first time in my life :).

[@iamafairyqueen]

Similar thing happened when my Dad died.

[@RachelWilliams-qq3bd]

Sorry for loosing your Dad. Its interesting what you mentioned about them finding a replacement. I was the scapegoat, became ill and the contempt & toxicity escalated so I went no contact. I was wondering if someone else may be targeted.

[@xsilentg]

🌻

[@orianam9835]

Horrific story. How the abuse looked like?

[@bernadettenelson6843]

My brother decided to tell someone what ”the family” was going to purchase, without consulting any of us individually about it first. My husband said he probably learned this behavior from our narcissistic mother. I said no, and did not contribute to this “family” gift. He had not consulted with me about it in advance and I had not given him control over my purse. I like that Jerry says we need to get comfortable with disappointing others.

[@patricianorwood1075]

My mother tried to sabotage every relationship I had as an adult. I was never allowed to say no, thanks, or disagree with my parents. To do so was to risk a beating, or be threatened with my dad shooting me with his Ruger . I went very low contact and eventually no contact with my family before my parents both died.

[@rachelscoltockangelmedium]

I had a three week visit to my narc parent overseas. It went sideways fast despite my spending time with them every single day, and 5 months of anger and drama followed because I saw friends, I stayed in a hotel, I went to see people she forbid me to. I'm in my fifties.

[@lizsalt1610]

You're an adult and live in a separate place that you pay for. Yes, parents should be respected as parents and as human beings. But that doesn't mean, require or infer obsequience, agreement or domination. Stick to your guns, Rachel!

[@alanbirkner1958]

I'm 75, I said" bye, mom, we'll talk when you're feeling better, bye" and hung up. Took a while, but it works. Don't listen to them. Left home at 18, went to college on a full scholarship ( she always said I was stupid). My dad said I was brain damaged. When I was young, they didn't talk about abusive parents. Tina, Al's wife

[@StormyTuesday5108]

Did the exact same thing. Happy without the toxic drama

[@OhPleaseMary]

Thats a genius phrase, Tina - I'm writing it down! 💜

[@dampergoldenrod4156]

I think the fear of disappointing someone is based on the fear that someone would retaliate or you would face a backlash for not doing what someone wanted years ago

[@92660dolphin]

OMG - i needed this 10 years ago if not 30 years ago! What a life I gave up by letting them destroy me internally

[@OhPleaseMary]

You aren't alone💜

[@DaniefromCanada]

They don't want you to excel at anything.

[@ohdarling6657]

Unless it makes them look good!

[@BB-fo5mr]

Yep - Few exceptions... you excelling makes them look good/it benefits them. (But they still don’t actually like the fact that you personally, are excelling)

[@okaycola2]

Yepperoni

[@darthlaurel]

And yet when you don't excel, they blame you.

[@zombinosh]

They pretend to back you.

[@rwdchannel2901]

My dad got enraged when I bought a used car when I was 35 years-old. That was the final sign I needed to realize he was a narcissist trying to bring me down. I'm no contact with him. What did he want? To see me riding a bicycle and living in a box on the street? Probably. I'm not suppressing my freedom to try and make the narcissist feel in control of me.

[@okaycola2]

Happened to me when I bought a car a few years ago. My stepdad keeps offering to buy me a house or a car & I just scratch my head. So you can take it away? Why would I accept?

[@rwdchannel2901]

@@okaycola2 The narcissist gives gifts in exchange for control.

[@donnakelley1202]

Your post hit home with me. My parents didn't want me to have a car. I was 36 before I got my first car. It represented freedom and maturity on my part. The last thing they wanted was for me to be independent.

[@karenherrera287]

I said, "I disagree." She was quiet initially but attacked me again later.

[@FreedomAboveAll4]

That's what they do. Every time i disagreed, she revenged. So i decide not express my true self it in front of her never again. That life it is prison and slavery . From all suffering inside i get sick very seriuos , also when figured out with who i live. She robbed years of my life, with manipulation, triangulation, gashlighting. She did that very clever and insidious. I thought my mother loved me, what illusion that was.

[@nadineelizabeth195]

Yeah 👍🏿 they try to get some kind of control back later on it's weird.

[@jenniferb4118]

Classic response when I tried the phrase "I see it differently" was: "what's there to see differently?" BINGO 🤯. That said it all. Their way or the highway.

[@sunnyadams5842]

Don't you just love when they prove your thesis by just being themselves?? That phrase is pathological. When someone can't possibly see a different side or to see that someone else might have a different point of view or opinion, that's sickness. That's mental ill.

[@eq2092]

The argument that triggered the fight which led to me going no contact with my mother. Was #2 "No, Thank You" she refused to respect my "No" and I went off. It unleashed a flood gate of built up anger and resentment.

[@MLP8044]

I feel that, so much! 😢

[@nadineelizabeth195]

I first time i saw this behaviour was after the diagnosis of my illness i decided to focus on healing my body and cutting out all toxic foods. She knew this but still offered me cake when I said no im okay she became like a child with a tantrum because I said i didn't want to eat it. I was not aware so didn't understand it back then. When i was 21 i still had to decorate my room pink when i didn't want it pink because she wanted it that way. A year later was when i had my awakening. The illness was my awakening.

[@Christine_Lawson]

I get this so much, I flew off the handle like I absolutely unleashed 30 years of hatred on them when they kept pushing and pushing on my boundaries. Unfortunately me losing it didn't help except I blocked them again after. It's as if they're solid empty black blocks that are meant just to teach you how not to be

[@martinmabry5460]

Been there, too

[@orianam9835]

@@nadineelizabeth195 my father lost it when last week I commented what a massive scrabled eggs and sausage he made for me knowing I ratę very little at this time. He shouted at me that I should just go home angrily with cursing. Then when I said this is a reason why I do not want to visit him he says - do not be so sensitive otherwise you will not find a husband. So what does it teach me ? I can be verbally abused and I should just expect it. This is just so damaging to me. But when a friend of him raised her voice that the ladder she lent him is not clean he just cut contact. I then said - why are you so sensitive ?

[@19mychaellee71]

I was given unrequested advice once that was so off the mark I had to ask, "Do you even know what I'm doing?" "No..." "I do," and turned my back. That shut her up.

[@patriciamurphy6559]

I get silence if l mention something l accomplished, got praised for at work or whatever. No praise or anything, just silence. Like l said nothing. When l told my dad l got nominated for best nurse in Bucks County, he said, well, where's the proof? Ugh Ignore now! Thx for your videos Jerry. ❤

[@susanfoss8122]

Same.

[@KK2squared]

Same. My Dad only discusses himself. In 3rd person most of the time. Often referring to me as “daughter”. Makes me feel awful.

[@emilianoherrera5310]

Same, but i get reminded that by achievinc that goals i missed another one that wouldn't have Made me so much more successf ul.

[@MLP8044]

Congrats!🎉

[@singstreetcar5881]

Time to go no contact. U don't need trash people in ur life.

[@joseenoel8093]

A relationship with them only lasts as long as we're on board for fooling them they're in charge of it, that we value their opinions, do they really think we will never ever stick up for ourselves, boy we certainly did fool them well in order to survive! 😊

[@TheRobynbrown]

Yep, boy did I become an extremely proficient liar!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I am no longer in contact with my narcissistic, toxic dad: I win! (Re: "War Games: To Win is Not to Play")

[@GammaZeta]

Well said

[@farsouthfungi]

Even the nicest puppy will bite after being hit too many times.

[@emilym8571]

Learning to set boundaries and sticking to them is a life-long struggle when raised by narcissistic parent(s). And also keeping one's emotional intelligence healthy ! Keep calm - keep centered. Each time you stick to it is a confidence builder for the next narcissistic person you deal with.

[@Alison-o9d]

It is a life-long struggle to start from scratch with zero healthy boundaries. It’s best to start slowly with saying no or with counselors or support from people who really want to help you get healthy. It does build upon itself but takes patience with yourself.

[@clusterfu]

My toxic parent hates the word "no". I could say it 8 billion times, and they still won't accept it.

[@AA-iy4gm]

They don't have to accept it, you just act accordingly to the "no" you expressed, hopefully you aren't relying on them for support so you can retreat to your own space whenever necessary.

[@ritalawson7020]

Run away real fast go no contact if they stamp and rage let them

[@nadineelizabeth195]

I can't let them see me expressing joy or satisfaction towards myself it hurts my spiritual life and my self esteem massively. I have to stop feeling a certain way because i am attacked more everyday for showing myself love and kindness and when i abandon myself that's when they are nice Let's not forget they've taught us we should self sabotage and abandon ourselves!

[@ritalawson7020]

Run away real fast no contact at all 😅

[@nadineelizabeth195]

@ritalawson7020 the pain still sits in me though

[@RiskBreaker22]

I've cut ties with my family of origin for 2 years now, but it would've been fun using these phrases with them all in one conversation lol

[@annelbeab8124]

😂

[@GáborKiss-o5n]

One of my parents always said that i either dont care about a particular thing or i overdo it. Yeah. Having brain fog at 30+ years of age and chronic fatigue since childhood shows a few things: that this toxic evil environment destroys you.

[@bernadettenelson6843]

My mother always takes credit for my accomplishments but distances herself from me if I didn’t do well at something.

[@jessicawerling9495]

I literally said those words, "I got it"one night when making my kids food and my mom flipped out. I'm in my 40s fyi and my kids were 7 and 4. But apparently I should still NEED her for every little thing.

[@MLP8044]

Aw, no! Yeah I just turned 40, never had any children yet due to narc family and ex and freinds! Im scared of dying without ever been a mother!

[@amywuester136]

Yep! My parents came for a visit about 5 years ago. I was cooking dinner, no help from them, as they just sat and watched me. (creepy actually) All of a sudden my dad says, "Look honey, our baby girl has finally learned to cook". It made me so mad. I wanted to scream, "How in the world do you think I managed to feed my husband & 4 children all these years, let alone myself? Do you seriously think I just fed them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches their entire lives?" At the time I was 49 and all 4 of my kids had already grown up, gotten married, and moved out on their own. (I obviously got away from my narc parents' house, got married, and started having children very young. 😉)

[@ohdarling6657]

This year i tried to assert a boundary with my parents... my father just straight up stoped talking to me 😂

[@Pfpfpfpfpf2020]

Probably for the best.

[@ritalawson7020]

His problem not yours

[@susanlarose4721]

......and you lived happily ever after!!! 😂❤❤❤❤❤

[@ohdarling6657]

@susanlarose4721 🤣 i had to go back to having some contact because my little brother still lives with them, but omg these months without him were the most relaxed i ever got 🤣🤩

[@Lizquattro2]

I just turned 50 this year and it feels like a light bulb went off in my head. My mom has lived with me , upstairs , downstairs. And l always needed to relay on her for the care my children . The youngest is in the spectrum and it’s really hard for me financially to find her a place to go live . So that l can start my new chapter of healing from narcissistic abuse.

[@leequalmann3903]

I got so much backlash when I said "no thank you", it was confusing at the time, but Illuminating over time.

[@beeeb8831]

I find any display of sympathy to someone else sets my narcissist mother off. Her friend's daughter was in hospital. I wondered how she was doing. That was enough to bring on an attack of the green devils. This is quite fun actually. I'm just being sweet and the sweeter I get, the madder she gets. I can then suggest my visiting the patient and bringing some nice flowers. Or even making a charitable donation to whoever is researching the daughter's ailment. Jerry is always advising calmness and this is as calm as can be.

[@TheRobynbrown]

yep

[@bereal6590]

Yup

[@JaneaDahl]

That actually sounds funny! You've obviously done enough work on yourself to have a sense of humor about that horrible behavior.

[@GypsyJulie]

I kept pausing this video and journaling. So much clarity. I enraged my father when I held my ground to not be involved in triangulation that a sibling was creating. He became verbally violent with a basic, no thank you.

[@kareemmohammed5270]

painful, resonates, especially tip number 4 being OK with disappointing them! much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.

[@debbiejahnke8724]

Oh wow. I did this on my own. I get pushback on this a lot because size I live alone in a big house. I keep getting hints that I can’t do it or that I should move away. I’m like hey everybody around here seems eager to see me go lol Sorry, but I’m hanging around.

[@joseenoel8093]

Doing something good, for you, by you? I rented the top of a house, lived in that neighbourhood for ate teen yrs, married neighbour then forced to move, not really a very bad idea but not mine none the less, b4 even entering my latest flat going up its stairs mom insisted we call rental board to break lease, ridiculous, that was in '82, I got the boot in '79, my rent was 120$/mth, I was in the middle of a 36 hole golf course, they see our ability to function in spite of them not what they had in mind, are they pissed about that? Probably😊!

[@fifteenbyfive]

I only say this in the context that you've provided, but if you're ever ready to leave and thus give them what they wish for, sell your house to a Black family with dogs and lots of children. They'll love that.

[@OrangeJuice94-w2z]

I was accused of *molesting* my little brother, thanks to my mother. Come to find out I was the one who *CAUGHT* her doing something disgusting to him and that's the reason why I was accused. That aside, I have remembered that time in my life and I spoke up about it. It's been a year or so since she has called. I guess it took the truth to *STOP* the storm

[@rwdchannel2901]

The narcissist always projects to get relief.

[@OrangeJuice94-w2z]

@@farsouthfungi I think so. She held this against me for *YEARS* I was only 6 when it started. I *LOST* my memory do to *shock* it just came to me about 3 years ago

[@AA-iy4gm]

They can be so cruel it's sick. Glad you found the truth and it literally set you free.

[@OrangeJuice94-w2z]

@@AA-iy4gm thank you ❤️ wish it was sooner but later than never 😇

[@bereal6590]

Recently my mother told me "I thought your father had s.a.'d you because you wouldn't hold his hand". Like say what! That aside, if he had she had done nothing anyways. What did happen is I was around 5 playing with a friend with a new nurses toy and I was 5 and a little inappropriate but I didn't know that! She ran in the room grabbed my toy and threw it in the trash as I stood there pleading and crying. Nothing else was said. No s.a. from anyone just my toy binned!

[@fifteenbyfive]

I was long into adulthood before I finally said "No." to my dad for the first time. Sure I had been disagreeable with him many times in my life. But this was the first time I was fully in control of the situation and my "no" meant that for sure his idea wasn't going to happen. His body language was as if he got wounded by that. I'll always remember that moment. I wondered why I couldn't have said no like that years earlier or what the results would have been, and how much different they'd be.

[@P.B.andJam]

Yea ,I said "No" to my mom for the first time in my life about attending a holiday dinner, and got bombarded with insults and we haven't spoken for 8 years. I'm a half century old. Lol

[@tinydanceryoutube]

I feel so guilty and anxious every single day not calling my 93 yr old dad. I'm not sure this is the best time to stop calling him, but God it feels so good not going through the Spanish Inquisition every day.

[@annelbeab8124]

So only call those who are not part of the Spanish Inquisition :) He can't help it how he behaves. You can't help him with something he didn't want to get out off. But you can help yourself. BTW, the Spanish Inquisition belongs to the past and thankfully at least didn't have a phone number 😂

[@orianam9835]

Call him and try to ignore what he says. 'One ear in one ear out' 😉

[@kimmyj1512]

You can limit it say to once a week for 5 minutes and stick to that boundary.

[@annelbeab8124]

@kimmyj1512 good idea. I limit contact to the care they now need organised. Phone calls - let him speak and no information about what really concerns me. To save myself from being hurt by careless answers or no interest. I live by my standards of decency, not of obligation (far too long)

[@ritalawson7020]

Give them the flick go no contact stay away far away

[@Jillrussell-mj4yw]

Stay calm, respond with clear communication and don’t react. Thanks for the lesson Jerry ❤

[@jerrywise]

Always!

[@daemonspring]

Personally, I hate the phrase "Let's agree to disagree". Possibly because it is used by some people to passive-aggressively dismiss disagreements that you might feel actually need a resolution, whether rightly or wrongly. I think it is often more effective to say things like "I'm getting frustrated with this discussion right now, so I think we should come back to this later" or perhaps "I don't think we need to agree on this matter and I'd rather move onto something else". These sorts of statements make transparent what I want to do and why, which makes it easier for the other person to directly address those motivations. If they think the discussion is important, this is when they will say they think we do have to resolve this, and then I can ask why: We will have moved onto a discussion about the discussion. In the case that you have to be more forceful, I'd prefer statements like "I'm not going to discuss this further". I prefer it because it does not suggest the other person has to agree to the termination or that it is a good idea. I'm also not telling myself I have to get their agreement. I am simply terminating the topic. It's direct and honest. A narcissist will probably keep arguing forever. I'd rather be more assertive and leave no room for them to control whether I stay in the conversation. "Let's agree to disagree" doesn't really provide any information. It is quite ambiguous, which is why it is sometimes used by passive-aggressive people who want to dodge talking about what their motivations actually are. That's not to say that everyone who uses the phrase is passive aggressive. It's just one of those phrases that has an air of reasonability that makes it find its way into the arsenal of narcissistic parents. You may note that it is acceptable for them to use the phrase, but not for you. If someone uses the phrase "Let's agree to disagree" against you in a dismissive way, a good response is something like "I don't think this is a topic we should leave unresolved forever". Or for the expert dodgers, "Do you think this is something we can safely leave unresolved?" and "Why?" Of course, you can never force someone to have a discussion with you. If you think something needs resolving and they won't do it, you're going to have to look elsewhere for solutions. And if someone won't stop pestering you even after you've said you won't discuss something further, you're going to have to walk away, or perhaps run.

[@annelbeab8124]

I agree,) I really do. This sentence is toxic It assumes an agreement over disagreeing and forcing one to end the discussion like it would be resolved. It's painting over that simply one party has enough- for the moment.

[@bereal6590]

Yes, I hate it too because my ridiymother uses it passive aggressively.

[@kimmyj1512]

Honestly if they simply refuse to discuss an issue central to the relationship that's your signal to exit that empty so called relationship.

[@JeffreyGorman-iw7fi]

I was trying to have a conversation between my father, a mutual friend, and myself. A question was asked by the friend and trust me I was the expert in the room. After being cut off about 3 different times all it took was saying " I'm talking" to set off a violent rage.

[@Stuffyluffy]

it's the accusations that happen after trying to say no. accusing me of hating them or being brainwashed by the other parent into hating them. its so sad and exhausting.

[@Pfpfpfpfpf2020]

"these are things that are playing out in YOUR mind and I am not responsible for them" then remove yourself 😔

[@BrianOsler]

Back in July I had a heated political argument/debate with my sister-in-law, and at one point she was trying to get me to say I agreed with something I simply didn’t. I told her “I believe that you believe it.” Man, you would have thought I told her I killed her dog with how she reacted.

[@antinous3300]

Thank you very much for this, Jerry. Right now I limit my conversations with my mother to superficial mundane topics like the weather. However, as she gets older, I know I will have to get more involved in her life, so this is very useful in preparing for that. Being prepared and being okay with disappointing people... I really needed a reminder about that, so thank you.

[@debbiejahnke8724]

I tend to avoid these things by staying away. I’m heading in to holiday dinners so I need to think about this. Resistance will likely be punished. I guess the value of these dinners is questionable. That’s about all we have now.

[@rosieleb32]

I avoid family dinners too. I don’t see the point in attending what amounts to a noisy, chaotic gong show with a menu I can’t eat. On the other hand, I should keep connections with family, I think. The narcissistic responses and the volume of messed up people overwhelms me. I have tried to offer a quieter event, our Mother is 92 and needs that, but they revert back to their preferred chaos. I’m just done with power struggles amongst the known narcissists in our family.

[@elizabethmadron1336]

​​@rosieleb32 I have gone no contact for a year. Have not gone to a family dinner in 3. What is the point if it is going to be toxic? My life is so much better. They have not contacted me. Shows that they do not give a damn. My father died of Lewy Body Dementia a year ago. He was the only one dictating family functions. Malignant narc.Calling and ordering when to appear at one. My mother is a weak covert narc. She melts when you challenge her. Brother is also covert flying monkey. Weak. My bf says I was actually the strongest one in the family. Hence the scapegoat label. It has served me well. I was able to escape.

[@debbiejahnke8724]

@ hear you. My parents are passed now so the gatherings aren’t here at least where they lived. The family is split in half now after the estate and the few remaining are even worse than they were before the estate. There’s a combo of wanting to spend a little time with them, but gauging how much abuse is worth that. But also if I ever heaven forbid, need help from them, I’d pay for it dearly if I try to separate further. I hope your gathering is tolerable and you can navigate the BS with grace. Good luck 🍀

[@rwdchannel2901]

I don't celebrate holidays with narcissists. I'd rather enjoy the day even if it means I'm alone.

[@nadineelizabeth195]

"resistance will likely be punished" like being in the army

[@Lee-em1lb]

Thanks Jerry, I've learnt so much about my narc mother and enabling father. I broke free 5 weeks ago and feel so much better about myself. I've grown so much even in the short time I've been watching your blog.

[@kroxy6270]

1. I did this all by myself 2. No, thank you 3. I disagree 4. That’s not how I remember it 5.I am really happy how I did it 6. You might be wrong about that 7. I made plans already 8.I need some space 9.I got help from a friend 10.I know what I am doing 11. I am ok with failing 12.I achieved that 13.Can we talk about this later 14.That’s not what I want 15.Lets agree to disagree 16. I decided to go with someone else’s suggestion 17. I prefer it this way

[@darinsmith2458]

A lot of memories are coming back.. Self-Differentiation seams like Boundaries.. I know that my brother and sister would really have to be careful with having their kids around my mom.. Actually my sister really never had her kids alone with my mom.. That is just coming to me now..

[@christinalw19]

I have recently done this with my 8.5 years older sister, who has never acted like a “sister.” Mother was the same. The last 3 years she never responded to my calls or text messages. After our younger brother became ill and he did not communicate with her, just me, she started the “ poor me, I’m left out..” pretty pathetic. I give her adequate info daily as he is in the hospital, but nothing personal between us. I’m over it. I have forgiven her, but I refuse to be gaslighted and scapegoated at my age.

[@CynthiaSchoenbauer]

Perfect! I love this one. I am getting ready to assert against something I don't want and I find myself very gun-shy and it makes me put it off. This provides support so I will realize that my best path lies in assertion and I am NOT WRONG or bad in doing it. Thank you Jerry Wise! I am going what is right for me whether they try to control or stop in or not because I am completely within my rights!

[@lightandshadow50]

Love you Jerry, wish you were my dad

[@davehendricks4824]

“That’s not how I remember it”. Pulled that one on my narcissistic mother 30 years ago. That was the last straw when she replied:” I have no idea what you’re talking about”. She was white as a ghost and I cut off all ties. I also mentioned that my supposed father was an alcoholic and she denied that too. From one alcoholic to another, I was right!😅

[@KK2squared]

I’ve always know something was wrong with my relationship with my 82yo Dad but I’ve always blamed myself. Now that my Mom’s gone he is around more. And WOW! All of these ring true. In fact, recently when I mentioned an accomplishment he said, “that doesn’t interest me”. Another recent one was “I don’t like it when people like you better than me”. Well that’s great, considering you leach on to my friends.

[@MLP8044]

I bought a car and my Mom drove me absolutly up the walls about it hopeing I could return it, till I snapped at her. Then she cried telling me how scary I was ect. Shed continued writing my ex bf and family lohg after wed broken up, Id found out. I went to church confession about losing my temper with her, but I still have this deep resentment of her, now.

[@Relyt345]

Ultra sensitive but callous to others.

[@MeowMeow1938]

My narc mom was jealous of the relationship I had with my exes’ mother because I spent time with her as she was literally dying of cancer. That’s how deranged these idiots are.

[@sojourner4723]

This is so good. It provides healing because you're putting words to my reality. My toxic parent has a way of making me feel/ believe that the issues are all in my head or in list my flaws that my parent mentallly. Everything is somehow my fault in our relationship. Now I understand the expression of autonomy is the trigger in our relationship and flare-ups. This video is so helpful! You have helped heal the little girl in me. I hope God continues to use you and free others.

[@sherylbeamer7189]

Jerry I want to express my enormous THANKSGIVING to you for all the help you provide me and this community. Your understanding of narcissism, how to mature and work on self differentiation is like no one else’s and has been tremendously helpful. Have a BLESSED AND HAPPY THANKSGIVING JERRY!🐿🍂🦔🍁🍄🦃🦃🦃🦃🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@RussellNollenMusic]

Thank you for sharing this! ❤

[@BenHackett-x7m]

I called the cops on my parents once. I never heard from them again until I tried to resolve the conflict. They couldn't accept my Autism, because their family dynamic requires me to be mentally ill. I just couldn't get them to see my point of view without invalidating myself. Never mind that I quit alcohol, returned to my faith & now pray the rosary daily (even with my non Catholic wife each evening). It still hurts being abandoned, but if they can't respect my boundaries & my independence, why allow them to punish me with their holier than thou attitude? Don't call the cops on your parents if you want to salvage the relationship!

[@carolkotcheck6065]

Sucks when you have to move out as a fifteen year old girl and be plunged into the big bad world alone, just to have that trauma make her end up so sick they’re Fred to stay enmeshed anyway. A fate so much worse than DEATH.

[@titiatoner4027]

I hope my son will understand what's going on. He might; I'm trying to explain some of it, but I've now been reacting (trying to stop his narc. dad) and yelling so much that I probably seem like the one that has a problem. By the way; I stayed because I knew he would try to take our son and probably succeed, and I found the idea of my baby being raised by a lunatic so unbearable that I stayed and endured etc. (I'm also not in my own country; if I had been I would have left very quickly).

[@emmettsullivan690]

narcs are unsure of themselves. They need you to agree with them so they don't feel wrong. I think that is caused by the two different normals we have to navigate in life.

[@marysmith9109]

Both my patents were narcessists, I married at 18 yrs old to a seperatist narcessist. My mother lived with us for 6 yrs, my middle child a daughter now 45 , is a narcessist. She actually said if everyone around me blames me and hates me-- I must be the problem. I am staggering under the weight of this open accusation. I literally just began to be confident, gathering friends from many places who say they love me and enjoy being with me. I check my responses, knit in a corner at all family events trying real hard not to be a target. I wish I was The N, then I could not see nor understand the slippery sly knives in my heart. I would not care and could attack. I really take no pleasure in making someone feel small or worthless. I like to encourage and support. Depression and self loathing has dominated the past 50 yrs of my life. I knew I was different as a child. Now I think I was too aware. Will this ever end? I have 4 brothers and a sister. I desperately want to be part of them , and my children's lives. But, also wish I could just be quiet and let their accusations roll down my back. I want to walk away for peace, but fear being alone. Any attention is better than none? Somehow I want a positive fram of mind concerning me, too. I want yo be a half glass full person, but I don't trust. Don't turn my back. How can my children give me gifts at the same time hating disdaining, mocking, me?? I am so confused.

[@AA-iy4gm]

After 50 years you owe yourself peace. Adopt a cat and create nice moments in your home and with your friends. Stay away from the drama and toxicity. They don't like aware people. You won't gain much good from continuing to gather with them except for heartbreak. It doesn't take too long to start feeling okay without all of that, the perceived loneliness is short lived and later you realize it's also false because you're not lonely for them, you're lonely for decent human connection. If you believe in God, pray that your kids pay you a nice, calm visit once in a while and don't go getting entangled in the family drama once you get out of it. Good luck, you can do it, it gets easier.

[@alessia.m.marceilles]

Your videos have helped me through so much and provided so much clarity I've needed for decades. Thank you Jerry ❤

[@no1ofimport271]

One of my sisters and I fought quite often, but I didn't know until I was an adult that I knew what narcissism was. I remember getting her angry for something I never could figure out why. I don't remember what we were talking about, but I commented something along the lines of "yeah I've seen that before or that happened to me too" and she just raged at me. "I hate when people do that!" I never took her shit and we lost contact a long time because of it. I watch these because her daughter had a horrible life with her and it gives me clarity of how she was treated.

[@KaySmith-iz3eu]

My husband and I had our son’s name picked out months before he was born. After he was born my family wanted us to change his name to the name their friends had named their son. We refused of course. When my mom started pushing us to change his name, I said “he already has a name”. In a very snippy way she said “WELL!!!”

[@helenmccabekantartrial9789]

One of the reasons we never had children was because the thought of giving my adoptive mother something else to criticise/judge/compare me about was just too much to deal with. I wish these videos where around 30 years ago maybe my life would have been easier to cope with.

[@JanetFeeney]

Happened to us too. My mom tried to name our one kid we ever had. We refused. It’s a family middle name. So she pressured my sister into naming her kid that name as a first name & she was so smug about it too. I was like oh good for you. lol

[@FifthKnowledge]

Genius level content.

[@doloresjanet]

My Mother is 91 living by herself in the country and although she is healthy, one never knows when she will die. It gets tougher to give her some of these phrases as she ages. It’s a challenge to determine the line between delivering these responses and her feeling ok about herself in her final years. ❤

[@sacredrain7757]

How did they become this way? Coping w the behaviors is a great start, but these are people we love. Compassion is like magic. No longer the bogey man that can get you, just a deeply broken person. Ain’t no cure, but how can we help?

[@SibyllaCumana]

You have to go through hell before you assert your personality with them (once you realise you have a personality, that is)

[@bereal6590]

Very true. They go out of their way to destroy the best of you when you're a child. It's painful.

[@DJMealia]

I love you Jerry, you've helped me so much. x

[@quantumnature514]

It was so liberating to say no thank you several months ago! She had an inner tantrum and went into shock, but it's sure felt good to me! And, oh, my goodness... telling the woman that I was going to use a different pie crust recipe? You'd have thought that I had suggested that she relocate her nose to her elbow! But it was good for me.

[@metalfacemartinez]

After hearing the last part about anticipating their response, so you can respond, and then anticipate their NEXT response, so you can then respond again illustrates that no contact is the only reasonable solution to interacting with someone that's not operating in good faith or emotional maturity. So exhausting, and they love that it's exhausting for us. Shows we care. 🤬

[@maaikekamstra7353]

Thank you Jerry Wise. For the Love and truthfulness that you radiate. It arrives at my home in Amsterdam. I thank God for your presence.

[@lulumoon6942]

This list is awesome for Narcissistic Partners, too! 😮👍🙏🕊️

[@jerrywise]

True

[@Ikwilgeennaam]

I have just been offered a sweet by my elderly mother. I said, no thank you… reaction: “You act like I am offering you poison! And why don’t you just want this sweet? I don’t know you anymore, you are so different as I am, are you my child? Do I have a child at all? No one is there for me! You all abandoned me. You are not my child…” and so on, and so on. Followed by endless and heartbreaking crying, sobbing, screaming, and finally the silent treatment. Totally and way out of proportion. Just an example in a long, long row of similar events during a day with my mother. I can’t stand this behavior, tho everybody says I just have to bear this, and be 100% indifferent to this behavior. Why then, am I so hurt and drained anyway? She is still controlling me 😢😢😢

[@jmc60]

I remember on my wedding day, 40 years ago, not even being told I looked nice, or pretty, or beautiful. No praise, ever, from the NPD mother or enabling father. And my husband (now ex) was just the same, unfortunately.

[@heatherchapasko2684]

The minute you said lemon meringue pie my stomach sank. My brother like crumbl cookies and I take him once or twice a month to get a cookie. I am overweight and my brother is slim built and my mom keeps saying we're going to become diabetic if we keep eating crumbl cookies. At the same time there is a lemon meringue pie in the fridge and she expects me to eat a piece every time she wants one and then gets upset that I'm not eating 🙃

[@valentinaduran2646]

"Im not yelling, that's just the way I talk when I'm upset!" Hahahahaha I sweat to God.... whilst she screams her head off because you dont agree with her. It would be hilarious if it was a movie I was watching instead of my whole life and now I have adrenal syndrome.

[@sandracrandall4561]

Be well dear....receive.....the healing & let the rot go. God will help you. You deserve to be well. Receive it & live🙏👼💪🧓

[@nadineelizabeth195]

It's effing hell

[@michellehill718]

Another brilliant teaching video Dr. Wise! Thank you very much! Some parts were really funny to me and made me laugh out loud. Especially when you describe them trying too hard to help us do some really simple task, their way and not ours. Lol 😊

[@jerrywise]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@mhopwood1]

It can be comedic sometimes, because the action is happening within them, not between us and them. It's about their anxiety and rejection of their own autonomy, not really about our confidence.

[@amerubix185]

This is brillant!

[@noctisgamma556]

11:51 (around there) I cannot even count how many times my husband’s family has flipped out at him not wanting sugar… not wanting coffee… it’s insane. They start just making it for him and handing it to him. But with me? They tell him all these foods are bad… but they expect him to eat these things with them. Only with them. It’s just madness!

[@andreafisherwriter]

This is so clear and truly helpful!

[@whiteshark0000]

I can remember years ago i bought myself a big Ford Fairlane car with fancy rims the whole works i was so proud of it , it was a beautiful vehicle i came home ( i was working away as a fisherman) i parked it out the front of home for the world to see .My father came home for lunch and at the time he had down sized to a little Toyota he pulled up in the drive and strode out furiously through the gate to my beautiful car ( he had wanted one years ago but never got one) he walked around it numerous times looking at it from every angle then he marched inside where i was sitting chatting to my beloved Grandmother the first thing he said after months spent away at sea was "i see you bought yourself another heap of Sh*t" and stormed off into wash up for lunch .No hello how are you we missed you nothing but an insult.I can still see the look of shock on my Grandmother's face when he went she said don't worry dear it's a lovely car .I was almost in tears i was a 38 year old man and he still knew how to hurt me.NOTHING i ever did was god enough or as good as he could do but if you did achieve something he saw it as a threat to his supremacy and would put me down or humiliate me in front of everyone .He demolished my self esteem and self confidence for my entire life .I am 63 yo now and he died 15 years ago but he had already swallowed up my whole life with his "work " i am still bereft of these two things i am still in counseling trying to get back what he stole from me .

[@bereal6590]

I hear you, you're definitely not alone with this. It's really rough and normal to feel bad about it. Bet that was a great car 👌✌️

[@Carol-gs5tu]

It’s Guaranteed he will never ever do that to you again ever! The only way is if you choose to suffer currently, it’s on you from now on.

[@Spiritfriend430]

Thank you for helping

[@rtt3166]

Jerry Wise is very wise.

[@D3thepeople]

Thank you, Jerry. I really needed this heading into the holidays.

[@meanimeconingles]

This is so accurate that it's scary.

[@justinesalt9140]

It does not matter what you say or what you do - for them it is always wrong. So we can stop trying. Just distance yourself so far as you feel better.

[@filocosta4373]

One of the most important videos so far. Thank you for that Mr Wise ! ❤

[@rubystaging24]

As I listen to this , i also notice narcisistic behavior at work too.

[@AskDarlingNikki]

wow this brings about so many realizations. If I say, "I did this on my own," it forces them to face all of the times they chose not to be present and support me. HA

[@TR-lk4ik]

Oh wow! If I said to my parent that I “did this or that on my own” she would lose it. I’d get the “who did you ask advice from or you’re prideful because you did not inquire of the Lord”..😐…like really?! She wants me to ask her about everything in my life under the guise of advice, but it’s actually her trying to control my decisions. I feel like I’m in a court of law trying to plead my case with her sometimes….its madness😕

[@sfertonoc]

I see the umssking angle of using these phrases as a detective's rhetorical questions or "test phrases". Am wondering if taking it like a detective, in a Murder She Wrote angle, but the murdered thing is the soul there. This sort of detective work I have seen to offend deeply narcs and psychopaths who will scream I think too much.

[@alexandrah.6217]

About no 5: told my mom „I’m so happy my colleagues did a great job filling in for me during my holiday“ She: „Ah, so you don’t do so much at work it seems.. just a joke, ha ha.“ 😔

[@dawntreader815]

Yeah they love to say something cutting and then say "just kidding, just a joke." No, they are being insulting and rude.

[@halarefaat4837]

This is so relatable! Thankyou for your content ❤ Ps. Those glasses are so nice!