#182

[@donaldhackler5242]

One suggestion I would make based upon being married for more than 38 years and handling a lot of divorces, is the idea that the newly married couple is a new family and not an add on to either or both of the families of origin and that you both need to be committed to preserving and protecting your new family. Create new traditions.

[@2780-l2k]

So true. It is impossible when the spouse is enmeshed with 8 other people. (6 siblings and 2 parents). Their life is about everyone else’s lives but the one they created with you.

[@marysmith861]

Not blaming... but you didn't notice how attached your spouse was to their family? They we're not ready for marriage.

[@2780-l2k]

@@marysmith861 Courted for a month. Engaged. Intimate. Pregnant 4 months later. No, I didn’t notice anything, until I was invested. I didn’t even know him genuinely clearly, much less witness the enmeshment. I do blame myself. We reap what we sow though. I should have taken my time and used discernment. I still choose love over hate and to do my best to make it work between us.

[@craiglist483]

The leave and cleave is real! Have to joy in creating your own family!!

[@joetheboy04]

For a lot of modern women now, setting boundaries with her male friends and other men during the relationship and marriage is a hard task. An agreement about what kinds of pictures and videos can go on social media and a way to deal with close friends of the opposite sex, people who slide into DMs etc must be had.

[@stolen3moon]

but that shouldn't even be a question until you are officially dating and have established everything else

[@frankdefranco9436]

@@stolen3moon Why not? That's how men notice good women among all the others. How would men know if she is wifey material or not? Entry via only looks is not enough for a successful marriage anymore. Love at first sight is old bs. In 2023 men need to see good qualities of women first to even initiate something.

[@joetheboy04]

@@stolen3moon other conversations can't be had if there is a disagreement about values and fidelity.

[@rdthaprariedawg]

@@stolen3moon You could (and many do) say that for every single point on this list, which is the problem nowadays. We spend the early time getting to know them without really getting to know them. Then when care for them deeply we finally start getting to the “real” stuff, and we can’t agree with them on things like these which we would have been better off dealing with earlier.

[@maryrankin9869]

I agree. So much is emphasized on social media. Makes me ponder! Good thoughts.@@frankdefranco9436

[@michellebilodeau3882]

Religion is vital. More important than just belief in God. Especially if you plan on having children. How will they be raised?

[@h.s.l6875]

Couldn't agree more

[@juliab516]

Exactly it’s not enough to say that you are apart of a particular religion. You gotta see if they act the part

[@professionalpookie]

🙄🙄🙄

[@ummadam9608]

Very important.

[@MichelleNovalee]

She didn’t say it wasn’t important. She just said it’s worst if you believe in God and you marry someone that doesn’t.

[@ec9903]

Having been there before I really don’t think men even realize what wanting their wives to work means. Men in charge of the finances in their marriages might believe they need two paychecks, but when 3/4ths of your wife’s paycheck or even more is going towards childcare so you can be a “dual income” household, is it even worth it?

[@JoJo-xo6fh]

1 view of Marriage as an Institution!! All in Attitude!! 2 Religion in Agreement!! 3 Geography!! Where are you going to live?? With who?? Type of Lifestyle!! Family?? Type of Household?? 4 work /family plan!! Gender Roles and Responsibilities! Children!? Assume stepping out of workforce 5 Finances …..Roommate or Team!!? 6 Willigness to Deal with Hardships\Conflict?? Intimacy\Vulnerability are So Important!! 7 Ability to Set Boundaries!! Family of Origin! Marriage and family you are creating need to be the PRIORITY!! 8 Relationship History!! You Need to know their History so you can determine if your potential partner has learned valuable life lessons from past experiences/ mistakes!! 9 Vacations!! Where do you want to go and what do you want to do!!?? Cold vs Hot locations??

[@octavialaprairie4525]

When I 20:35 was in high school and starting dating my now amazing husband I told him I wanted to stay at home and raise my own children. I don’t know if he even thought I was 100% serious as 19 year old woman, however I was home for 22 years and raised our 4 children. It wasn’t easy but you will never regret it. Now at 50 I am heartened to hear my daughter say the same. My only hope is that they find a supportive spouse to travel the journey of marriage and parenthood together. Thank you for your wonderful podcasts!🇨🇦

[@xelefonte]

*The LIST: 1. View of marriage as an institution 2. View on God/religion 3. Geography 4. Work/family plan 5. Money 6. Willingness to address conflict 7. Ability to set boundaries 8. Relationship history 9. Vacations*

[@tmeyer2022]

I totally agree with your advise. Regarding my wife and I, we met as senior widow/widower. I met her and first briefly talked at a social group event. It was her first event with this group. A female friend suggested (actually asked) that I introduce myself to her. Later, as I briefly introduced myself, I encouraged her to come to the next group gathering. She was non-commital. When she did show up at the next event, we spent practically the whole afternoon in small talk and dancing. I offered to pick her up and be her companion at another event set for a few days later. That third event is what I (we) consider our first "Date". By the third or fourth "Date", we had discussed major elements of our histories, financial status, wants, and desires. Before we married (a year later) I insisted that we had at least one 'arguement' so that we each could know the other better. (She is conflict avoidant and it was important for me to know.) She had been with her husband for 44 years before he died. I had been with my wife for almost 52 years before she died. Our departed spouses were huge segments of lives and neither one of them should be denied. We talk about them openly, without judgement.

[@mytreasuredcreations]

Thank you for sharing. Such good and valuable information. ❤

[@transitionsnc]

Re: relationship history - "That person's past is your future." Sam Vaknin. Several years ago, someone I dated from high school sent me a friend request and we re-connected for a while. At that time, he had been divorced from his ex wife for 7 years. Initially, I thought this was a good thing as I never wanted to be involved with someone who was recently divorced. (I'm single, never married, no children.) However, the feelings of anger and resentment he had for his ex-wife...it was as if the divorce had happened yesterday. He hadn't "processed" (I don't like this word but it fits here.) anything, including his part in the divorce. I'm so glad I never got involved with him.

[@andre1987eph]

Anyone who follows Sam Vaknin is lost.

[@haley2542]

I would add #10 Health/Fitness

[@maryrankin9869]

Its important to respect your body and love your body so you can love another. I see so many people that let themselves go. That is a big turn off.

[@aliceinwisdom863]

I agree with #8! So many people will bad mouth their exes and never accept their part in the reason why the relationship failed. Huge red flag!

[@maiaatkinsschalchlin2075]

I was 27 before I started dating and my dad suggested I online date. I came up with 40 questions to ask each other on the first video chat to see if it should go any further so we don't waste each other's time. It takes about 2 hours to go through the questions. After 11 ½ months of online dating and doing those questions on each date, I finally found my husband. So here's my 40 questions! I hope it helps someone!1. What is your conversion story? 2. What are your intentions? 3. What are expectations for this relationship? 4. How does your family feel about interracial marriage? 5. What are your political views? 6. How important is physical attraction for you? 7. Do you drink? 8. What is the man's role in the relationship? (Dating & Marriage) 9. What is the women's role in the relationship? (Dating & Marriage) 10. What are your boundaries? (Time? Touch? Emotions?) 11. Do you gamble? 12. How many sexual partners have you had? 13. How often do you look at porn? 14. How do you handle conflict? 15. How do you react when angered? 16. Do you yell? 17. Do you swear? 18. Do you act out in violence? 19. Do you withdraw emotionally? 20. Do you have a criminal record? 21. Do you have a history of mental illness in your family? 22. What kinds of health issues run in your family? 23. Are you on any medications? 24. What does your diet consist of? 25. Do you take supplements and vitamins? 26. Are you in debt? 27. Do you plan on buying or renting a house when married? 28. What are your goals? (Short term and long term) 29. How many children do you want and when do you want to start having children? 30. How do you feel about guns? 31. Do you own a vehicle? 32. Can you cook? 33. How do you feel about birth control? 34. What kind of music do you listen to? (Christian, Secular or a mix) 35. What's your opinion on divorce? 36. Do you wear perfume? 37. How often do you read books? 38. How often do you watch TV? 39. How do you feel about homeschooling? 40. Based on what you know now, how do you feel about starting a relationship?

[@thaliakate444]

Sensible questions 👏🏼

[@LenaBelleMusic]

No offense but I would be off put if a man asked me all these questions on a first date. These are the kinds of things you can space out and ask within the first month or two of dating before making the relationship official and before any sex or anything like that, but asking all these on a first date is a bit too much and most people would be put off by it.

[@transitionsnc]

I definitely would be overwhelmed.@@LenaBelleMusic

[@maiaatkinsschalchlin2075]

@LenaBelleMusic I think you might have missed my context. My context was online dating, and it was done via video chat, and it wasn't a one-sided conversation. Each person has to answer the questions. We get more information about a person after a job interview than after a first date. If you answer these questions honestly, you don't waste anyone's time. I was also in my late 20s and wanted a large family. Some guys were put off by even the idea of going through the questions, and I knew that they were not the ones I needed to talk to. As a person who gets emotionally attached very quickly, this was my strategy, I know it won't work for everyone.

[@mytreasuredcreations]

Thank you for sharing. These are insightful questions. ❤

[@Es24688]

My husband and I married just under a year after meeting while I was still in college (he didn’t need college). We absolutely went down our lists before deciding to be in a relationship then getting married. Neither one of us were interested in dating just to date. Due to that, we didn’t believe there was a point to just dating for years until we hit a certain age more “acceptable” for marrying. We also didn’t believe in living together before marriage. We were up front out of the gate about our religious beliefs, how tidy and clean we were, what our finances were, what our goals were, where we wanted to live and do for a living, and even how many children we wanted and how we wanted them educated. We also spent a lot of time with each other’s families and knew each other’s friend groups. We’ve been happily married over a decade now, so I’d say it was a winning strategy.

[@transitionsnc]

Congratulations! Very sensible approach.

[@maryrankin9869]

Totally agree. Spending time with each others families and friend groups.

[@sitka49]

It sounds a bit sterile and sanitary ,are you planning on just having sex to procreate, and reproduce, and do you have anything in common besides the efficacy of your marriage? I think it would come to be wearing thin after a while.

[@Es24688]

It’s not sterile - it just prevented either of us from getting too attached emotionally or physically at the beginning. If we weren’t on the same page, better to know up front before wasting time and emotional energy.

[@sitka49]

@@Es24688 Well that said, what I find is when you have 2 people that agree on everything , one of them is probably lying.

[@craiglist483]

My husband had a job that rotated shifts, I had a career that was 100% travel. He thought he could manage, I thought I could leave to go back to work. None of that happened. I stayed home and have zero regrets for letting that career go. I think what many young people get overwhelmed with figuring what makes a family work. And guess what? It is overwhelming because it’s new, but it is figureoutable! Thank you Susan for having a list it’s all important for the long run, but I do hope young people can be encouraged to get married and raise a family.

[@networth9151]

A marriage (family) is essentially a business. There are income / expenses, assets / liabilities, management responsibilities along with a division of labor and planning. Marriages and families are not accidentally successful, but are organizations which require a great deal of attention. If you think you want to marry a person just ask yourself one question: "Would I start a business with this person?"

[@josiemaromi6981]

Now that's a good question to ask!! 💡

[@Julia29853]

I agree. If you dont have enough trust and respect to be in business together ( not that you’d actually want to, but would you feel they had the character qualities to), then you might need to look past the starry eyed romance factor. There are so many hard decisions through life, it is really important that you are both mature, with good character and integrity.

[@perspectiveiseverything1694]

Step 1. Figure out who YOU are, what YOU want, & WHY. Step 2. Live it. Step 3. Make a list. Skipping the first 2 steps doesn't work.

[@annemadden7920]

Smart

[@nothanksmegan]

Yes! By the 3rd date! Excellent advice! I wish in love is blind they actually showed the contestants talking about these important topics but that isn’t good for tv or the degenerate date-forever culture

[@joimonae4090]

A few questions I think is important to ask especially in these times is pro vax or not and also of someone is vegan some vegans take it very seriously and may want the children to be vegan as well

[@maam-yj8ph]

Lots of subcategories in that religion aspect.

[@castiel4746]

You forgot his/her bodycount. Bodycount is a great proxy to see if down the road he/she will feel unhappy in the marriage.

[@haley2542]

See relationship history

[@castiel4746]

@@haley2542 she said long term relationships...in modern times people hook up freely, thats different.

[@maryrankin9869]

What is bodycount? I have not heard that term before.

[@randomdude3646]

@@maryrankin9869 how many people a person has slept with

[@jdogswifty4372]

​@randomdude3646 may not even just be slept with, some are now counting oral too and I think that should be counted too. Way too many young folks in the church back in the 2000s felt like oral was not s3x. We are 20 years past that point and things have gotten way worse in terms in immorality especially in the church.

[@barbarajohnston6106]

Love your content! You are right on. Young ladies need to hear this. Sharing when I can and playing it's received well.

[@freudianslip2192]

I love what you're doing for both men and women in modern society. I hope they listen!

[@razor4059]

They won’t… especially the modern young women. I think of when I was 22. I thought I knew everything and was invincible…

[@TheSnoopyclone]

It’s more for women than men.

[@KarlaStephanieMakeup]

Some people don't know the value of marriage but want to learn. We want to know the traditional values ​​and their benefits. It's not that values ​​“changed.”

[@KarlaStephanieMakeup]

A falta de pan, galleta. Como dicen en donde vivo. If I don't see benefits in marriage, I will look for ways to accommodate myself.

[@TruthyMcTruth]

#9!!! LOL… my husband and I were on a 25th wedding anniversary trip to Sandals… I like being a blob on vacation; he cannot sit still and has to explore ALL options/things included…. we have a fantastic relationship, but I found myself kind of resenting the fact that he could not sit still;(“just grow where you are planted! Be content!”). So, we found that we love fishing and scuba diving. These activities are altogether quiet, relaxing (and sometimes exhilarating)… So he gets his need for “togetherness adventure” satisfied, and I get my serenity needs satisfied!

[@culturallydifferent]

We were still friends and started playing this "random questions" game in which we would go on long walks and ask random questions about past or future "would you ever have 10 children?", etc. It was very helpful, and even though we did it for months, we still forgot or didn't really think about some topics that came crucial after we had kids. Luckily we are a strong couple willing to change and we agreed in the process. But if I could I would talk everything Everything through before getting married, no matter how much you think you love each other. Love won't help you much when for example your husband wants to vaccinate and you view vaccines as unsafe, or if some of you believe your kids must be baptized in a Catholic faith and the other is Jewish.

[@transitionsnc]

Great video. I think another question would be, "Do you want to have children?" A lot of people don't for a variety of reasons.

[@maryrankin9869]

That for sure is a deal breaker. Essential to be on the same page.

[@transitionsnc]

Agree.@@maryrankin9869

[@SantosdeMuerte]

As a sociologist that focuses on the importance of marriage, these talks and Suzanne specifically are both brilliant

[@ThisBraveHeart]

I 100% agree that geography is important once you have kids. Now I didn’t go to school, but I got married to a sailor and we had to move to CA right after we got married and pregnant with our first. My family pretty much forgot about me and I have no support. I don’t need physical support but I do need mental support. I’ve reached out to cousins, aunts, and uncles and none of them have showed up. My mother loves the kids but I can’t trust her to be the person to vent to or take advice from. My in-laws are fantastic but they just adopted a 6 year old and they’re in their late 40s and 50s. Anyways, you will need support in some way.

[@kristinewberg7656]

I think possibly the greatest point you brought up is, "It's the man's life, too". Way too many marriage and dating couches forget this. It's not all about you in marriage. It's about you and your spouse as one entity - and both of your needs and desires need to be on equal footing.

[@jdogswifty4372]

Point 8 about just talking about realtionships and not including hookups I do not agree with. You need to know their hookup history. They may have just come through 5 or 10 of them in the last 30 days. Something to know in the modern day. Women hookup just as much as men today (maybe even more as i think surveys men tell the truth or overexaggerate their numbers while women underexaggerate theirs). If they went through a hookup phase male or female, the possible other partner should know this upfront. It very well may happen again if they are "unhappy" or "unfulfilled" in the new relationship.

[@kristinewberg7656]

Yeah, hook-ups need to be included. Even if they were a long-lost "phase".

[@tanvigawde1612]

100 percent agreed.

[@KathyM-hc2yo]

Since I started dating I always had a list that was family life centric which helped eliminate a lot of men earlier on. Fast forward to to my late 20s I met my husband who though didn’t check off my top points (religion, nationality) but fulfilled my expectation for family life. 16 years together and 12 years married our marriage is thriving as I raise my kids as a stay at home mom. Having a clear picture of what you want out of a marriage and your future partner will save you a lot of heartache if you don’t get hung up on materialistic aspects of marriage.

[@andre1987eph]

Im 58. Lost my family in mid 70s and foster care and group homes. So I was exposed to reality very early of the anti family agenda in American society. This early life experience protected me from making the foolhardy decision to marry or have children in the USA at the very least.

[@greglassa8030]

Great info from a smart person!

[@rossanaospino-c]

I love your podcast! ❤

[@joimonae4090]

I loved this I also said I would have to go through a list as well

[@martanieradka4675]

Don’t marry a guy who is not a believer! He will make God of himself. There is no living in void regarding spiritual life!

[@bumpercoach]

gotta go w/ a divorce disincentivization details document to counter the overwhelming curent incentives for women to divorce despite their kids best interest... just like how women are told just-in-case for education and career and delaying/limiting their best potential of children its way more just-in-case to get the D4 along w/ the informative list

[@megarakadmea]

What about people with no relationship history and also no hookup history? What I’ve always heard from my mom is you’re supposed to have mistake relationships and lots of experience before settling down with someone but I don’t want to get into a relationship without knowing it has a high chance of success. I have also only ever been on one date and it was very awkward. I’m kind of in a corner where I don’t feel I have time to explore anything and also don’t know how to find anyone. So I’m thinking of just giving up.

[@kristinewberg7656]

You do NOT need relationship history and hookup history. This will be very blunt, but quite frankly, that is stupid. You can find a good spouse without any relationship history or with precious little. I had one 7-month relationship in college (no sex, no kissing) prior to meeting my husband and our relationship was my husband's first, and we have been very happily married for over two years. Relationship success is as much of a choice as it is a result. I will warn you, dating is awkward. It just is. Finding a good spouse is hard. Not impossible, but hard. Something that might help is figuring out before you ever meet a guy what are your parameters - and this list in the video is a really good place to start. Then, when you meet a guy, you can compare and not be driven by "oh, this guy has cute hair"! If he isn't sure if he wants marriage - move on. If you want children and to stay home with them and he doesn't - move on. If you are in Iowa and he is in Alabama and neither of you are willing to relocate - move on.

[@sstermer1]

Love the show

[@julieoelker1865]

We have 4 grown daughters. They have borrowed money for college, and are now struggling in their relationships and marriages. I tried to persuade them not to do the student loan thing, but lost that battle. The loans were easily obtained without the need for any parental co-signer. I have concluded that one of the biggest issues leading to broken families is borrowing money for college and a career. This career mindset is planned by elite oligarchs who want to lower the "surplus population."

[@MichelleNovalee]

I don’t want to be near family. My dad is dead and my mom is an alcoholic. My husband’s parents disagree with us on so many things that it’s a real point of contention. For one, his boomer dad thinks it’s good for a women to work full time while raising kids because that’s what his wife did, and I don’t want to deal with the guilt trips of not providing. They also completely disagree with us on religion and I’m afraid they will try to influence our kids. At least my husband and I agree on living away from family. Is it ideal? No. But we can’t all have the perfect situation.

[@patrickshanley4466]

Sage advice

[@neredyfre2392]

Thank you.

[@gregorybolivar1876]

"Financial disclosure at third date" - Good, you need to know early if she's looking for a college debt bail out so you don't waste time w/ her.

[@CalinGilea]

Yeah! Or she wants us to have a joint bank account (no way I am sharing access to my money with anyone). Or how much money do I have in my savings account or I saved for retirement. 😂

[@rdthaprariedawg]

When heard that as Number One, I said “Whoa, we’re coming in hot!”

[@Es24688]

You don’t believe in sharing accounts after marriage? Granted, neither my husband nor I had any debt when we married, but he had a full time job with money in savings while I was still in college when we married. Within a week of being married, my name was already legally changed to his and our accounts were combined at the bank.

[@Theprincessinyellow]

I think you’d be less on edge about that kind of thing if you made enough money to comfortably provide and not to care about her debt 😊

[@caseyjones1548]

​@@CalinGileawhat a loser. Don't date if you couldn't trust someone with yout money.

[@MrFrobbo]

All common sense BUT people change, so no matter what was discussed it's irrelevant, especially when the courts are involved. Plan for worse case men, or avoid marriage completely.

[@sitka49]

The best laid schemes of mice an' men/ gang aft a -gley.

[@sitka49]

It's interesting she said you should be in line with this list or these beliefs on the same page but when she gets the money she says well if you both decide to keep separate accounts that's up to you but it isn't a marriage? Really! And you should learn to live with one income ,which is fine if you can just swing it, but then she said one of the reasons is because you don't know what your your wife will decide after she has kids whether she wants to stay home or or not? Wasn't that something that was supposed to be discussed on her sacred list of do's and don'ts? And wasn't this decided before marrige in beginning? What if One of them decide to change religions or decide to move out of the state to another job? So everything she's discussing here is pretty much theoretical or hyperbole.

[@canelareina3795]

It took 5 minutes to get to the first thing.

[@Cosmiccoffeecup]

I'm sorry her style doesn't suit you.

[@canelareina3795]

@@Cosmiccoffeecup smarmy

[@jackdeniston59]

Thats one of the questions.......Can you speak directly......

[@Julia29853]

@@canelareina3795⬅️rude

[@maryrankin9869]

Touche

[@innerpeace528]

❤

[@eotikurac]

comment on Gabby Fe

[@JohnDoe-fi8kc]

Now does that mean you're saying men and women need to disclose how much they earn?

[@amandlaawethu1538]

If U R raised as a single parents child. U typically dont take divorce off the table. Thats the problem. Marriage is for life (cheating) marriage is for life. Uf your not willing to do that dont have children & dont get married.

[@maryrankin9869]

Cheating is not on the table for marriage. Grounds for divorce. Affairs,abuse and addictions do not make for marriage.

[@amandlaawethu1538]

@@maryrankin9869 when U all speak, U don't want marriage. No one knows what this world is going to do to them. No knows what's going 2 happen N an 80 year life span & the fact that I guys keep speaking perfection I am glad. Shout louder so all of us can hear y'all tell us U R not marriage material

[@Plans4YouJer2911]

Yep I hate to say this But I think high body count not good We both had came from a party scene and were high drive No sex before marriage My rule Then about a year after marriage, she made a comment about guys she had been with or serious sessions with Holy crap Boy, were the numbers vastly different HHHMMM???

[@matthewwilsonn6748]

You had the first part of the headline correct. Don’t Get Married

[@joeschmoe5107]

#5....so the woman gets financially supported by the man. That's the crux of her position.

[@joeschmoe5107]

Guys....don't get married. It's a losing deal for men