Borderline's Engulfment Anxiety Tips: Bad vs. Good Voices (also in Codependents, People-pleasers)

The Borderline’s engulfment or enmeshment anxiety has to do with her internalized bad object: the lifelong introjects that keep informing her how unworthy, unloveable, and inadequate she is.
Exposure to messages that countermand the bad object creates dissonance and the aforementioned anxiety. This leads to withdrawal, aggression, and avoidant behaviors.
People pleasers, borderlines, and codependents have a constricted life: they subsist only through others and for others, vicariously, by proxy. Their identity is determined externally and is consequently sometimes disturbed.
If you suffer from this syndrome, to get better:
1. Establish a people-free time and zone. Banish all people from this space and from your thoughts for at least 1 hour a day;
2. Introduce structure into your life by embarking on a consuming task or assignment or by adopting a hobby;
3. Stop being emotionally invested in the past or in the future. Focus exclusively on the present. Use techniques like mindfulness, if need be.
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[@susanbyron6499]

Your eyes were glistening quite mischievously, and you were full of mirth and wit at the beginning of this compelling video... I was expecting you to raise your hand with a glass of red wine and continue in this blithe spirit, but you quickly switched to lecturing mode by announcing smilingly "enough of this nonsense" and continued with high-value content, albeit in your signature personable and persuasive, accessible and genuine style. We know you are alone in your study and speaking extemporaneously into a camera, and yet I am sure every listener feels individually addressed and touched by your warmth, your generosity, your palpable desire to serve, elevate, explicate and educate, and enjoys what feels like a very meaningful personal relationship with their favorite professor. What a gift your work is, Prof. Vaknin. In fact, not only remarkable but monumental. You are legend! And you are loved by hundreds of thousands of students around the world (who have a hard time believing you are a bona fide bad boy narcissist). Thank you from a colleague in Munich!

[@Tawroset]

Did he pay you by the word? Or by the letter?

[@elmehdifalaky5858]

At the end of the video when you said after silencing the bad objects you will be open to someone that truly loves you ,you were talking about the authentic voice that is you and that is the only voice we have.

[@tulinbeyduz920]

i’m. people pleaser. I suffer from social anxiety . I sometimes have an internal voice that tells me i’m going to be found out how incompetent i am . So hard to line with daily ..

[@itsspringtime]

I am a codependent people pleaser. I believe I may have BPD but I have not confirmed a diagnosis. Working in therapy now to figure that out. I relate so much to what you're describing the torrent of negative inner voices clashing with my partner's statements of love and affection for me and the extreme anxiety that causes. I thought I was going crazy and I guess I was. I may have gone extreme as I made the decision to self-isolate fron people for 2 months to work on my recovery because being in relationship with anyone is ridiculously painful as I'm becoming more aware. I'm glad there's hope to manage and I will reinitiate social contact with the 1 hour free from people recommendation. Thank you always for your wisdom. I have been watching your videos for the better part of a year now. Always gold.

[@charlesbromberick4247]

As a physicist myself, I appreciate the logic in this video.

[@LeanneConstable-db5tb]

Listening to you has finally freed my mind which has been captive in a dungeon of pain for far too many years. I felt and continue to feel, as I listen to your many lectures, that my head is exploding with wonderful insight and understanding of myself, and in particular, a failed marriage. I am so indebted to you for freeing the bonds that held me. Thank god I can finally and truly let go. I have fallen totally in love with you for giving me such an incredible gift. Bless you❤❤❤❤❤

[@lamarencalma3901]

True. My life have been truely changing since I meditate and I had to force myself into a structured schedule because of my son. Also theraphy. I used to have a problemátic life, relationships, depresion, I almost die twice and now I think about that as if I was talking about other person. I just have some issues with money now, but I finally can recognize love and affection, and be happy with myself without feeling lonely, and I can stay conscious when anxiety comes (yes, it still comes) and I have strong impulses...that I can observe, and let them pass (almost always). I can also deal with my narcissistic mother without anger, blame or shame, just remembering that our behaviour is just the result of a rancid chain of human pain that, hopefully we are changing. Thank you for sharing your work , you're helping to heal the hearth of humankind.

[@asmaahamodah5255]

Professor Vaknin I cried watching the last part of this video. I can't be thankful enough for your videos. ❤️ And yes, you do help us a lot. Thanks for the enlightenment

[@ramonaleona4119]

Pranamami bodhisattva guruji Sam You have enlightened me over the years. You are Bodhichitta!

[@adityabee1]

You have described my former partner to the Tee. We all must work religiously on our mental health and equilibrium. Thank you so much for your wisdom in these insane times.

[@trudykuipers3417]

Yes, yes and yes. I have BPD and I highly agree with the 3 ways to help oneself. Thank you Prof Vaknin!!!

[@TheOakOx]

The advice to live in the present is probably the best advice ever given. A whole video directed to everyone, no matter type of disorders or not, with more guidance would be so helpful. Also I am wondering how “psychological time” in a better way can benefit one’s life if being in the present is not possible because of stressy situations or physical reasons, even though one is aware that it’s actually a mental construct. Perhaps you have already made such a video? Thank you for all your lectures and life advice.

[@shannonsue1136]

Wow!!! I'm so glad I watched this! It explains so much about what I'm going through. I'm at the end of my relationship. I now have 3 court dates for separate things because I have been dating someone new and I've been having this cognitive dissonance. I've almost fully pushed him away. I'm not sure if the damage can be repaired. Many years ago, I had a spiritual awakening with hardly any symptoms of BPD. I was misdiagnosed with something else. I had it in my head that I had that disorder and therefore it reared its ugly head after I stopped self love and meditating. The Power Of Now book was what had completely changed me by the way. I had a baby and I stopped being mindful and got lost again. Then, my father who raised me on his own and was very strict with me passed away. Everything fell apart from there. Addiction, depression, anxiety, procrastination, etc. I have 5 children so you can imagine how I have beat myself up over the years for being a bad mom. Fast forward 5 years from my dad's death to breaking up with a codependent (my 5 year olds dad) and beginning a new relationship with an older male I had been working with on and off for 9 years with narcissistic traits. I believe he was sent to stir all this up because I've had enough suffering. Then the cognitive dissonance started and here I am. I now know what I need to do. Thank you so very much!!! I'll try to update once it's done. Much Love 💕

[@taara90]

Thank you, Professor Sam. 🌹

[@BenOnuMuDiyorum]

17:38 It reminded me of my try. Once I was a total mess and wanted to rejoice, that idea came into my mind; every afternoon, on the same time, I forced myself to go out walking with no phone or with no plan. It helped me to stay grounded and discover life and redefine it.

[@anjumahannowar7459]

"If you create a lot of noise in your external life" wow i love MUSIC.

[@anjeuli]

Prof Sam I am following along daily, for a long time now, initially to come to terms with the relationship I have been on/off with for a while, but also because you hold me accountable and now I am here for myself. Your philosophical approach to psychology is completely necessary. This video made me feel seen, understood, respected - like you were no longer my teacher but also my friend. I hope you produce more for these camps of people. I am going to keep trying with these tips as my homework. I don't comment everyday but I'm thankful after every video. Keep up the great work as always and stay healthy.

[@JC-mv7hf]

Amazing video - the practical advise is just great - structure - Hour free from people. Keeping busy (Use ir or lose it). Freeing from the past and future - live your life. Subdue the bad object. 🙏

[@phomes5768]

Thank you so much Prof Vaknin! Your work has changed my life for the better.

[@brucethornton7352]

Sam, after watching many videos as you make them and your archives, I thought had heard everything you have say about Borderlines. Yet again you have surprised and enlightened me. Please keep up with turning the view to a different angle because every time you help me to gain a better understanding of the borderline that so thoroughly broke my heart. I can honestly say I can feel your pain as you have tried to convey your journey with borderlines in past videos. Thank you for your efforts and dedication to sharing your work with those of us that have no access to this level professional guidance.

[@lilndnfeather]

I cried through this😭 but that seems so hard to do..

[@AmberSkye369]

Same n Same

[@imther1upedyrmom2]

Some I had to thank you greatly personally from the bottom of my heart because I'm going through a problem with a borderline in my life and this is a perfect resource for them to go to I have no idea they will or not. You are a godsend a man amongst men , you remind me why I want to be a psychologist myself and how I need to start with my own journey of self-actualization.

[@TA-ln8qs]

This message is so comforting. 😭 Thank you Dr. Vaknin.

[@natarracordz08mkultra]

Thankyou so much for this advice Professor Vaknin.

[@sambhavi16]

Thank you professor for the compassionate sharing your light which enlightens our minds

[@annemarie9980]

Love the intro Sam gave me a good giggle😆😅🤣also I am currently applying the technique of changing my thinking when past or ruminations or introjects come to mind i say NO and stop myself...i have also been busying myself with active creative projects...painting my furniture...feeling so much better about my life....after some years of feeling hopeless i am waking up a lot better and feeling happier overall💖your content and Richard Grannons have helped me immensely..Thank you so much🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

[@vincentwilliams8685]

Great tips and ending....loved this.

[@midnight406]

Thank you Professor Vaknin

[@alisongoss1146]

So helpful and hopeful.

[@MD-xe5ky]

Than you so much for your work! It helped me a lot to understand myself

[@ASMRAlternative]

Thank you for this video Sam; I really needed to hear this X

[@jeannfav2921]

Helpful video. Thank you.

[@dogtired82]

Huh, at last someone clearly explained the pointless behaviour I have displayed in my intimate relationships throughout my life. Thank you so much!

[@user-yi8cs5sb7f]

Thank u so much, Sam! ❤

[@naomicorban8703]

SHABBAT SHALOM brilliant Professor Vaknin,from Adelaide South Australia 🌏

[@gre.m9044]

Thank you for your amazing insight Prof Vaknin. Would be great if you had a podcast to listen to these videos too..

[@user-ju8fn8fu9s]

Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤

[@helodea]

Bravo...!!! 👏👏👏. Outstanding!!

[@j7220]

Very good advice I need to get back to reading and maybe doing other things because I cannot control the brutal voices.

[@anngeorge7828]

Omg this sounds like me😟

[@lilndnfeather]

And me..

[@tifney710]

Im constantly fighting for people to see me for who i am when they do i dont believe them.😢

[@annao2888]

Sam… thank you. 😚

[@maryannmaher3120]

I totally understand the concept of a bad object in the borderline who experiences cognitive dissonance with an outside influence of love and esteem for her resulting in fear of engulfment. However, what about the person who has been smothered and used and incested by needy people who are so needy they actually manipulate to make her an emotional hostage. This is a terrifying fear of enmeshment/engulfment.

[@Youtubehandlesaresilly]

The difficulty with disorders like BPD and NPD is they are maladaptive coping mechanisms long term, but ‘what else are you going to do?’ adaptive survival mechanisms in the short term. Someone who has experienced that and similar types of situations, but hasn’t been able to learn how to spot and avoid those people or cope adequately (or weren’t allowed to because of childhood overriding/training), learned ways of coping that often drive away healthy people and attract those same damaging people. Notably, a KZbin video isn’t enough - it requires retraining your own responses, addressing PTSD responses and core wounds, etc. Since without doing that can reinforce the trauma and causes more PTSD, making the disorder worse/more de-compensating and harder to control. So someone who has been enmeshed with someone truly pathological, but hasn’t learned how to actually, correctly, protect themselves, is of course going to have this anxiety (BPD). It would be crazy not to! And that is the core problem - the internal training is essential in the short term, yet destructive in the long term. Like someone who had an IED go off in a war zone and got PTSD, and now can’t calm down enough to hold a job when back home.

[@maryannmaher3120]

@@KZbinhandlesaresilly Phenomenal response! Thank you so much! Thank God we have therapists to help us get us out of these behavioral artifacts!!!

[@helodea]

​@@KZbinhandlesaresillyI'm somehow confused since sometimes sounds like you're referring to the BPD partner and in others to the BPD person him/herself. Can you please elaborate probably from another angle? Thanks!!

[@Vivian-jy6jk]

Where is Minnie??

[@Innbusiness]

The Buddha teaching :)

[@daffertube]

The 4th treatment is mushrooms at a rave.

[@esthersokolinski8079]

Hi Professor, During the people-free time/ zone, can one read novels or watch tv shows etc. about fictional people and think about fictional characters, or should that be avoided as well?

[@aalves9453]

Another is loving, kind or compassionate towards the the pwBPD. This goes against everything the bad object has defined them as deserving. The pwBPD appeases the bad object in order to reduce the overbearing anxiety. Left to their own devices, they once again seeks another to regulate their emotions. This is the borderline push/pull that will go on till they seek treatment.

[@metalguru6152]

I think he has been hitting the wine lol.

[@mr.anindyabanerjee9905]

Engulfment and enmmeshment anxiety coupled with codependency make their relationship dynamics very complex. Pls explain the role of Interpersonal therapy in dealing with their symptoms.

[@chf159]

Is it safe to say essentially all borderlines will experience this engulfment anxiety? Are there a good number of people with borderline that only have separation anxiety but no engulfment anxiety?

[@samvaknin]

All borderlines.

[@chf159]

@@samvaknin thank you for your reply. Your videos are always a treat

[@lilndnfeather]

But this is how I feel.

[@melissarondeau1]

If the BPD has been engulfed, detaches and starts devaluing the intimate partner .. How should BPD respond? Give space? Stay connected?

[@helodea]

I'm assuming that you're referring to what the BPD's partner should do. I guess the response is at the end of this video. Be by yourself, no people. Which to me speaks of separating yourself from the BPD person. These individuals are fragmented, schizoid and emotionally deregulated. In other words..., RUN for your life!! Second advise, fill your time with meaningful activities and/or distractions in third stop thinking about the past and present.

[@tulinbeyduz920]

you are charismatic lol

[@Lapointesun]

Please write a book on codependents. Can you recommend any? I don’t know which book to choose / trust

[@lisaguardia99]

Codependent no more by Melody Beattie

[@flyingstardust6635]

@@lisaguardia99 thank you lisa

[@jhanjones5695]

Congrats re - dictionary that’s very cool

[@kiwicatnip]

Can people without BPD or NPD have this bad object(in the form of constant overwhelming negative self-dialogue)?

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@7064000324]

I don't understand Prof Vaknin... once the bad objects are subdued, (as mentioned at the end of your video) will they not inevitably return when a borderline builds a new relationship?

[@samvaknin]

Practice makes perfect.