Why Narcissists Love Borderline Women and Why They Hate Them Back

[@chaos-ku4vw]

The Narcissist is preoccupied with being.The borderlines preoccupation is ' to not be' Excellent work. Thanks Sam x

[@ixtlimrtnz]

Borderline as a “Failed narcissist” is fascinating to me because I’ve seen borderline as hanging onto the last bit of empathy they have access to. And then losing their hold on it when there is too much stress or a threat of abandonment. Thanks a lot for these videos. Truly so insightful

[@manuelmanzanero5057]

I would rather say that they are unregulated narcissists.

[@redfullmoon]

This is a very narcissistic perspective, but that is as expected from Vaknim. Otto Kernberg says narcissism is a defense against the borderline tendency to split and have an image of oneself of anything other than positive.

[@Ezduzit164]

Perfectly said.

[@alishamykea]

😮. 😮😮😮😮😮 😮😮 😮😮 😮vvc😮c vvv 😊😊😊 G

[@twainslureca]

Being diagnosed with BPD since 19, now 41, all my major relationships were with men who had NPD. It is a dance I need to end as it’s damaged me just as much as childhood.

[@missbcritiques9209]

Yep that’s all I attract

[@missbcritiques9209]

@@wildchild6141 I’m just empty at this point going through it atm with another narc!!! I have the ability to ignore him and discard him, devalue him put him down etc..he feels the need to impress me, compete with other man Lmaoooo I’m comorbid bpd npd! Tbh I’m terrible I’ve put a knife to him..and now he’s unleashing he’s narc rage on me 🤦🏽‍♀️😂😂😱

[@missbcritiques9209]

@@wildchild6141 I know

[@Greeny_isthegoat]

We choose familiar. I always chose men similar to my abusive father figures

[@gsmooth4279]

@@missbcritiques9209 I’m more the opposite. Normally I have to put effort in to attract girls (as most men do), but the only girl who ever showed a persistent interest in me was seriously emotionally unstable. I initially thought she was an empath since she “absorbed the emotions of others” (an assessment she agreed with), but in retrospect she looked very similar to how BPD is described. I don’t know, all I can say for certain is that she was very unstable.

[@thumbelina9587]

As a BPD who was pushed to mortify him, i could sense his (NPD) desire to detach from me. He was getting close to me, to the point of dependence which I could feel caused him great discomfort. In that desperation to detach, there was an intermingle of sadness and fondness. Feeling betrayed by his desire to separate, I was enraged and went above and beyond to destroy every bit of good he saw in me. Yes, he started the spark of fire to our shared fantasy but I sprayed every nook and corner with gasoline and made sure every one of its pillar and foundation was burnt to dust. With our bodies covered in ashes from the burnt remnants of what we built together, I could feel myself looking at him grudgingly saying under my breath, "I hope you are happy now,". And for a second, I know as two defunct people, we both felt free from the destruction of what bound us together. I truly had tears in my eyes after your poetic description of the NPD/BPD love affair at the end of the video. My love for him really transcends romantic love. That stage of my BPD acting out (mortification) was really an attempt from my regressed infantile self to destroy the cage (shared fantasy) which transformed us into two dysfunctional little kids via parental roles assignments. Subconciously, I understood the toxicity of the environment we were in because I've lived it as a kid and by destroying that shared fantasy, him and I could be liberated from the dysfunctional love we operate on. And, that really was my gift for him.

[@Justic3PourTous]

This is so poetic. I can’t believe how you expressed such a complicated dynamic so eloquently & effortlessly. Your message penetrated my heart & soul. And it was oddly comforting to read this as someone suffering from bpd who desperately wanted to make my relationship with my narcissistic parter Im trying everything in my power not to go back. I want to so bad I want him, I need him, i crave him but we are so psychologically wounded, and dysfunctional when we’re together

[@mec.laurapalmer7155]

​@@faddy24😢

[@mec.laurapalmer7155]

Have you ever met her?

[@RandoBrando-h2r]

Hard read

[@ChildofGod-Manja]

Hey. It is good that you are aware of this. I wonder, would you be willing to destroy also your children in the process?

[@nicolameikle3976]

It’s very common for borderlines to become co dependants due to lack of self love etc therefore the constant intermittent reinforcement from the narc creates a trauma bond - hellish to get out of xxx

[@queenofstitcheswarrior2668]

Exactly! Also overlap of narcissistic behaviour in the diagnose of BPD. My brother loves women with BPD, while be himself has a lot of Narcissitic traits. My parents and i cut the bond with them after more then 20 years of emotional abuse. We are empty and i feel damaged and pissed. I have to work on healing now..

[@nicolameikle3976]

@@queenofstitcheswarrior2668 ❤️

[@uxoriousNO]

This is flat out fucking fascinating, no other way to say it.

[@maryfowles807]

The part about the child existing before narcissism is very sad.

[@saniamohamed2023]

Damn this has opened my eyes so much. This man is extremely smart. I’m a borderline female and I have dated a narcissistic man and it used to seem like he’d trigger me on purpose just for me to hurt him over and over and at some point I’d be so confused because he hurt me but I stayed and he loved that I hurt him it made him joyous. Very scary stuff. Thank you for opening my eyes and brain to such endearing information!

[@saniamohamed2023]

@@isabellalora6533 most of the time by calling him names that were degrading.

[@saniamohamed2023]

@@isabellalora6533 basically things like “you aren’t a real man” “you aren’t doing anything with your life, you’re a bum” these are things that are just really mean that I’ve acknowledged along the way.

[@saniamohamed2023]

@@isabellalora6533 yes very and I realized he liked it because for some reason he always loved starting fights with my borderline triggers

[@saniamohamed2023]

@@isabellalora6533 yeah how can you love someone who still loves their ex girlfriend? It’s a brick wall. Your love will go to waste: he’s just using you if he’s still in love with his ex girlfriend you can do so much better:)

[@saniamohamed2023]

@@isabellalora6533 yeah that’s the same situation i’m in. I’m not sure maybe it’s like trauma bonding... we are probably used to being hurt by them or something or our families i’m unsure sometimes.

[@vincentwilliams8685]

This made me sad even though I hate my ex narc. No child deserves to be ignored.

[@khadijatajmohd3144]

I fail to understand this....

[@ktp.]

Same here. I feel sorry for my ex narc as I can now see he's in a dream/nightmare that he can never wake from. Truly sad.

[@Transurfingrealnosti]

Contrary to this - borderlines destroy narcissists

[@radioactivepotato2068]

Do you realise that by hating them, you're still allowing them to control you? Think about that: They're not even in your life and they're still controlling you, like a remote control car.

[@kelleymcclain7380]

@@radioactivepotato2068 Absolutely true! The true escape is indifference. Some of us have been thru all kinds of trauma in our lives and we don’t destroy people who try to love us because of it. They turned to the dark side & need to be on an island, alone with eachother until they get sand kicked in their face so much they realize it freakin hurts and not to do it. That it hurts people.

[@ciaraskeleton]

This is all so true. The dynamics of an npd bpd relationship are wild. When the bpd person is defeated and accepts the npds abuse, or as you said, they settle down and become a home maker or become stable the narcissist is furious! They lash out til they get a reaction until one gives up or gets bored, then he moves on to the next bpd girl to feed him, hoping she always remains unstable and reactive. I've been thinking these thoughts for years, and having someone who knows alot more than me, put this into words is just great.

[@alicewonderland8027]

I can relate to this. When you settle and get your life together, he'll abuse you even more. He prefers to destabalize you, because he needs your emotional reactions. Made exactly the same experience. It was and still is devastating.

[@littlepip4014]

Holy shit, our relationship was actually better when we were volatile and fighting more. Once I had my son I realized I had to get my crap together and I started working on myself. We had fights but it wasn’t what they were. I didn’t throw/scream at the top of my voice anymore (I did raise it, but out of frustration he would joke through every single fight. I’d beg for him to just have a normal conversation once). He became more and more abusive and triggered me whenever I started to develops healthy patterns. Looking back, he absolutely kept me “crazy” so he could turn around and get sympathy from friends/family/coworkers about how crazy I was. He’d come home and tell me how he got a girls number and how he flirted with her but I didn’t need to worry because he just wanted to show off to his coworker, yet when I would eventually spiral because I was worried he was cheating again he’d turn around and be like “GOD you are so crazy, everyone says so. I didn’t do anything wrong, it was just a joke why can’t you take a joke” etc etc. he’d ignore me and it would cause a BPD panic attack and I’d blow up his phone all day begging to please be answered and apologizing for getting upset at him, even though a NON BPD person would be upset if their partner of 7 years came home telling them about flirting with other women just to show off to the bros.

[@stephengrant4533]

This is like a work of art... Your best painting ever. Your words and intonations are brushstrokes creating a beautiful and terrible picture of these relationships. It’s like “how does he know me”...? IDK...but you have captured it here. It’s poetic and shameful and beautiful and so dark...and true. I’ve watched most of your videos...and always learn more...even if it hurts. This is a masterpiece... Thank you so much...!!!

[@dominiquefelder1809]

WOW

[@avaloneckert1257]

Agreed!

[@eeland6972]

Agree too

[@MyWorld-xw6ic]

I just discovered him last week and I’ve been binge watching too. It hurts to hear these truths about one’s self but it’s so wonderful too.

[@MsCaitlin7]

It is art, it's a sort of symphony of words to me.

[@michellemcintosh68]

You are on something with this,this is what I just experienced with a narcissist,I caused an injury because he took me there. OMG you are the teacher of all teachers on this subject.

[@themagician8851]

In my case he took me there but the guilt almost killed me

[@zappawench6048]

When my relationship with a narcissist came to an end, he had taken so much from me that my self-esteem was in negative figures. I was totally destroyed and it took so long and so much work to put myself back together again.

[@ferahyildiz2992]

Same ..im still working on it

[@er8552]

Pretty much

[@Tarotinzichten]

Me 2

[@tntboyhaha2]

Mommy

[@Fayith1trains]

On on that journey now and I am a shell of myself after 12 years, sacrificed everything, he was in recovery, in and out of prison and I never gave up and when we had our son and lived together it became worse but he would apologize and love bomb and always would gaslight me bc I called out every red flag and could feel it in my gut but he would say I’ll take a lie detector test.He even shed tears more than once when I went in on him at the end and everything that you have said everything has been 100% on point I’m happy I now see through this behavior and hopefully one day can help another

[@Tarotique]

One of the most masterful presentations on the complex npd / bpd dynamic I've ever seen. Bravo! I'm a diagnosed borderline with 30 years of experience dating ( and marrying and divorcing) narcissists, the trauma traces back to my father of course. I can attest to everything that is presented here. I will add however that overtime the bpd outgrows the dynamic with proper therapy, commitment to self analysis and treatment. Bpd's are more compliant with treatment. With every narcissistically abusive Relationship I gained strength and insight to the point of growing bored of their antics and being forced to learn how to self soothe, provide myself with validation, learn to abstain from dating, sustain the discomfort of all the uncomfortable emotions and resolve the original wound with a qualified trained professional. The narcissists I've interacted with however don't seem to ever reach a healed state, their delusional state is almost essential to their survival they also reject diagnosis and do not comply with treatment. You are absolutely correct about the fact that they idealize us as sexual objects who are "hired" to torture and them and role-play. Attempting to conform to any kind of domestic role will immediately break the bond. Fantastic lecture!

[@MaddieSan435]

Yes! I also feel like with age, experience and therapy I pick up way earlier on the need of a narcissist to be mortified. Years long relationships turned into a couple of months . In my last relationship with a narcissist I ended up just helping him to detach because I got bored and extremely drained by his ghosting and immaturity. I think he was getting psychotic and enjoyed my suffering a little bit too much and not for the right reasons. It was still hurtful to me to ruin our relationship but in this particular case I felt like there was a darkness within him beyond a false self. It's hard to precisely explain. There was an evil-like presence. I wanted to be out. I think he knew very well he wasn't in control of himself as well.

[@rosa-safiahconnell7114]

@@MaddieSan435I am experiencing this right now and it too felt like a several years relationship condensed to two months. It went very fast. He has been enjoying torturing me via silent treatment. I heard nothing from him for two weeks and emailed explaining the pain I was feeling. He did not reply and instead sent the police to my house to attempt to arrest me. He had told me I was making him ‘ill’ so mortification led him to want to hurt me in the most extreme way possible. This dynamic is crazy

[@danawaleed848]

My ex Narc, used to show more interest when I am triggering him, he chases me more all around, when I abuse him he likes it! I experienced it.

[@Ladyinred001]

I’m a narc slayer! Now I understand why they always come back.

[@arablover123]

I have BPD & I married a narcissist. We had a fiery relationship that only lasted about 2 years in total but that little time we both managed to deal a lifetime of hurt. I can’t even begin to explain how much this puts the pieces of the puzzle together for me. I’ve been getting treatment and I have a better self awareness everyday, but in our relationship I was completely devoid of reality. All I could see was the pain that felt never ending to me. The pain I felt like he caused and I deserved. And in turn I hurt him back. I never wanted to and to this day I still feel guilt but I see better how it all came into fruition. He would constantly tell me how numb he felt… how empty life was for him… but we when were in the throws of our arguments he was suddenly alive. He would say I make him happier than anyone else. He’s never felt so much love before. He was worried he COULDN’T feel before. Then… either a.) time would heal, he would back off again… hurt cycle begins. Or b.) I wouldn’t let go of my hurt soon enough to idolize him again. We’d break up… he’d disappear as if we had never met for a while… I feel as if he was punishing me with abandonment for taking him off his thrown. And because I needed so badly to not be abandoned, I’d do anything it took to bring him back. Eventually there was a straw that broke the camels back. I wonder if there’s a closer parallel to his mother than I realized.

[@fevah26]

"Borderline woman is an engine of mortification.... he chose her to destroy him." That totally tracks. I (bpd) used to tell my ex (npd) that he's the spider spinning webs and I'm the cobra that eats him for breakfast. Extended periods of contentment in that relationship was treason. If I didn't test the limits of his power and control, he would tempt my rage and provoke my wrath.

[@ixtlimrtnz]

Exactly

[@VictoriaMeeker]

I fed his crap back to him. I couldn’t freaking help it 😩 I think to some extent borderline for me but “damn here eat shit you big bully” 🥺👍🏽 Same

[@nandanapalchowdhury4588]

Ohhh myy goodddddd! I named my ex spider and he named me scorpion! Like wtffff

[@urebeatsgaming7285]

@@nandanapalchowdhury4588 This is creepy, I tried to get romantically involved with an NPD individual and I called myself scorpion and her a black widow... Or maybe i'm the NPD and she's the borderline, I haven't figured it out yet, but whatever it was, was unstable for sure.

[@helenyuen9470]

​@@VictoriaMeekeri said the same thing. Eat the own shit you created

[@daniellelang5636]

This is eye opening. When I do well he discards me and is jealous of my accomplishments. When I don’t do well in his eyes he loves me all the more. It’s like I must be unwell in order to be loved by him. I am healing and taking responsibility for my actions and not blaming him or anyone else for the way I’m treated or for the way I have behaved. I’m in counseling every week and I am remorseful but realistic. Im setting boundaries in myself and others for the first time. I’m learning to forgive myself and everyone else. I’m not a victim and I’m not a monster. However, we’re trying to reconcile and I’m so discouraged in this phase. I feel we’ve reached a point of no return in our relationship, but all of our support in church and community really desires us to make the marriage work for our daughter and for God. I now realize I need to change so much that I don’t attract narcissists. My father was a narcissist and possibly schizophrenic and my mother was most likely a borderline but I want to live differently. I think I need to be alone long enough that I change so much that I don’t attract the narcissist. Is there hope for healing? On my part? On his? What say you?

[@WendyRambo-ob3zf]

CAN they work it out and be rati ely happy if both really try? Or does the destruction reach totality for the borderline and she is destroyed, if she lives thru the suicidal idealization ?

[@New_Creation4]

Yep, but then they can’t stand to see you doing well without them. So they’ll come back just to try to destroy you again.

[@AlleB-b9j]

There is hope for healing for you, but there are very slim chance for a narcisist. The narcisist needs to recognize who and how they are, and go to therapy. Sam says a victim of narcisms needs therapy to heal also.

[@Tov-h3v]

Ppl usually leaves a Narcissist, when they finds their self worth. Jazzy.

[@Youtubehandlesaresilly]

@@Tov-h3vthat’s why the NPD person attacks the persons sense of self worth so heavily.

[@kelleymcclain7380]

Wow.. I’m in the middle of this. With someone that was married to a bpd it’s making me crazy. I’ve never tried so hard to build normalcy and peace with someone that always says they want it but I completely become invisible when there’s zero drama. When he pushes me to breaking point & I am “mean” in my opinion - he becomes nice. It’s insanity - literally

[@kelleymcclain7380]

@@monicanapier9087 Monica ~ this was a year ago and it finally ended Jan. 21. You couldn’t be more correct. NPC for sure! I call him “fish eyed robot” because he has dead fish eyes and robotic behavior. They are so good at mimicking you think for sure there’s some soulmate thing going on. Then when you are all in and going thru the “relationship” they have no clue how to function so they keep you in confusion because nothing they do or say makes sense. It was bizarre and cost me an attorney to get out of. He doesn’t text or call really unless he’s trying to find a reason and there’s zero emotion. I’m grossed out at best- it’s beyond comprehension. I had to respond before work and tell you how correct you are!!!! Thank God for discernment and opening my eyes!

[@gunarasnaca6130]

Thank you for sharing I am in the exact same situation and just realizing it, trying to figure out how to get out being financially dependent and pregnant…

[@VrilDerzhava]

Your comment finally made my own situation make sense for me. He says he wants peace, but when things are peaceful, he seems restless, irritated, sullen, resentful. When there is any sort of emotional upheaval or life issue drama, suddenly he acts like the man I initially thought he was (or wished he could be). Exhausting.

[@tammymargriter9085]

When I was younger the pain I experienced as the outcast of a covert narcissist mother was so bad and that of a overt narcissist dad that one time I broke a glass and grind my feet in it because it destracted me from the pain I felt in my heart.

[@Zagorka007]

Are you OK now?🌺🌺🌺

[@bluelotus1363]

I completely understand. I had the exact same parental setup and I cut myself for years to deal with it. 😞

[@n.b.0212]

May you heal. This made my heart cry. 😕

[@catalinabernot]

I have a covert mom and an overt father. Honestly a horrible combination of people. Mother was an absolute victim, always subtly making be doubt myself and hate myself, feeling guilty and dependant on her, yet I was left to care for my sisters and myself. Overt father was physically abusive mostly, but also completely delusional and controlling. Took me 22 years to realize my mother was truly sick, now I don't know who harmed me most, but I hate them both equally. I'm sorry you had to go through that, I fully understand your pain. Sending love!

[@Luna-ss7bo]

I am so sorry I hope you have better life now

[@ESumner]

Really good!! My husband and I are the narcissist/ borderline-ish couple... he’s the narcissist... (grandiose when we met, now covert/ passive aggressive... everything you said about how they treat their spouse is so true!!) and I was diagnosed borderline due to many traumatic events in my life... and a narcissistic mother who was very degrading growing up. Doctors now realized I do in fact have autism spectrum disorder and ADHD, so it explains my lack of realizing I was in relationships with psychopaths... (one of which criminally stalked me for 2 years, 24-7... 😔, now has a restraining order...). My 2 children both have autism, the first is higher functioning (now) but the youngest does need services. That diagnosis helped A LOT. I was diagnosed borderline first due to my anger outbursts, which I would sometimes throw or break my own things like makeup, or injure myself unintentionally in my tirade... but this would be a few times year... and they said it was an autistic meltdown... which is really embarrassing 😔 my husband has come around a lot after we became christians and there’s a Pastor helping our marriage and checking in with him. It’s gotten better over here. We can both now watch your videos as he is not so resistant to the ‘n’ word anymore... I explain it as ‘a cluster of behaviours and symptoms that has a name and the name is narcissism.’ He’s accepting of it now and has begun healing his mother wound. She was a bipolar histrionic who died of alcoholism and drug abuse a few years back. She was very promiscuous and his dad just acted helpless. My husband was severely neglected all his life and terrible thing happened to him. He was locked in a root cellar and they were even held hostage for days by drug dealers 😔 sigh. So I feel for him... I can’t imagine the pain of having those memories as your life... and not a movie you watched... so sad.

[@mexicanbeautyqueen7988]

Wow! Ur husbands experience makes me want to cry.. I’m sorry.. I’m glad you guys got saved that is going to change and improve ur life forever. Praise Jesus..

[@dodo-e4x]

@@monicanapier9087 yes!

[@meganpruitt8561]

I think we might be the same person and are with very similar men🤯. Every single thing you wrote and everything the Dr. Has said are exactly my life....I am so shook and oddly happy there are words to describe it all .... thank you so much and also I'm sorry you have to understand how I feel 😕

[@ESumner]

@@meganpruitt8561 fast forward 2 years and I’m divorcing him now as we speak. They don’t get better, he got 100x worse. Don’t overextend your empathy towards your narc. Sneak and hide money, and leave. Read the book ‘psychopath free’. I’m so glad to be out of this living nightmare.

[@HahaT634]

@@ESumner Oh my…that turned around quickly. I just read your initial comment and although I was sympathetic to your relationship and reasons for healing your marriage initially, I was skeptical because Christianity enables narcissism. You as a woman should always put up with it. I am glad you are leaving

[@gwenlock]

43 minutes until "when we experience pain we are alive"- Mind blown. Fecking brilliant.

[@sandyshorewalker5364]

I am the daughter to a borderline and a Narcissist parent. They had a classic love hate relationship and were married for over 45 years. I really am enjoying watching your videos. Many great Hollywood movies have been done exploring this topic. I lived through it!

[@thirty-eightandfeelinggrea9739]

I'd love to learn what we're the good parts. I'm bpd and ex npd. I want our children to be protected from us. They're in Therapy

[@olipimcs]

What movies?

[@tammymargriter9085]

Yes I feel even if they didn't ever leave and you knew they weren't ever going to leave the first scenario is horrifically painful and shameful because they have emotionally abandoned/betrayed you to someone else.

[@karenc9786]

SAM ur humor and ur humility in admitting mistakes is ridiculous and ur videos are the best thanks

[@cleo-patra]

Sam THANK YOU for all your videos. I am so glad I discovered your KZbin channel years back when there was little to nothing on narcissism on KZbin and online. Your informational videos practically saved my life and gave me the words to express/describe my experience with my severly narcissistic mother and enabler father. No one believed my experiences and I suffered in silence thinking there was something wrong with my reality.

[@Forflipsake]

Being a borderline female and diagnosed borderline . This is so informative .

[@zoevideoscrapbook]

This is absolutely beautiful explanation of psychological repercussions of these two parings. As a women with quiet borderline I'm fascinated by learning about this to prevent myself from being vulnerable or emotionally abused again whereas also trying to avoid repeating verbally abusive patterns with a potential future partner. These behavioural patterns in result of my upbringing has made me to decide to never have children. I want to stop the passed down trauma and try and help others if I am able to without not letting myself be taken advantage of again. I need to learn boundaries and self protection through self worth. Thank you so much for this explanation of pain via sex, emotional neglect or mortification and feeling alive for the borderline and narcissist. I wish the world could be healed..but poverty and past abuse is a catalyst for these abusive behaviours. It's so complex.

[@tturing5698]

Hi do you know that there is research from epigenetics, that it is possible to switch of the trauma activated genes, so you don't pass them on

[@Stevinathomas]

​@@tturing5698 I know this comment is old but, how do you do it?

[@askannemarie]

I've been viewing your videos for a few years. This one is your best in my opinion. Absolutely brilliant!!!

[@prinny31]

Totally agree. One of Sam's best in my opinion.

[@amoreparrisbeauty3581]

Yes it makes perfect sense I figured it out already but getting the confirmation is GOLDEN!!!

[@arii992]

100% 👍🏼

[@avaloneckert1257]

This is the first time I've listened to Sam and....WOW. It's like art

[@NewVideos561]

I will never get enough...I listen to Sam regularly. He saved my life by writing Malignant Self love. My narcissist at that time nearly killed me...left me with a permanent disability and was killed by the S.W.A.T team. He was on Colorados 20 most wanted. I was almost a statistic, the girl on the news killed at the hands of her lover. Sam...you saved my life. Now, 15 years later, I find myself with another Narcissist whom I recently divorced...only to already be in therapy to repair our message. I am addicted. The Narcissist Borderline dance.. it is real. Sam...you are a genius (how is that for a dose of narcissistic supply for you 🎉)😉

[@arabianprincess85]

This described my relationship so perfectly. I finally had to morify him because I could never settle with the bullshit he offered. So I tore him down and he became dependent on me. The storm would return over and over again until I walked away forever.

[@jeremysnowden2836]

I grew up with a father who had BPD and have dated many narcissists. The more I listen and learn the more I understand how much therapy I need to unravel the complexities of my relationships...and where my blame and the other persons blame should actually be.

[@emergewithme957]

@Professor Vaknin I am convinced that you TRULY are the ONLY professional that should speak on Narcissists and all affiliated topics on same. All the advice I have come across online has never reaped real results like yours in dealing with my spouse who IS a narcissist. You have helped me tackle this from the root and foundation where it matters and because of it I have began to experience a true healing mentally. Thanks to you I am equipped with so much information to get myself BACK and even better. And you are so right about the other popular advice out there to embrace victimhood, which never really felt right to me.I see how I have played a part in my negative experience with the narcissist. I will continue to make use of all your advice until I get to where I need to be.

[@mexicanbeautyqueen7988]

My father was a narcissist and my mother are borderline and I don’t think they loved each other... They didn’t last

[@tatianaponomareva7016]

My partner always compared me with his mother. I stupidly thought it was a good thing, as a mother is someone good. But now I might consider it was very wrong

[@bandumathithennakoon1683]

Creepy

[@Strassenkaetzchen]

Mine with his dad who destroyed him , for whatever reason?

[@colleenc4621]

I've had a very unusual relationship history and am at a period of my life where I know that if I don't sort things out, even my cognitive performance will suffer. Your lectures are almost hypnotizing in regards to the role they're playing in this process. Thank you

[@jillianclayton1192]

Very eye-opening. This explains the weird relationship between my dad and mom, and now my daughter's weird relationship with her dumb jock boyfriend. Is Borderline an inherited personality trait? My daughter acts exactly like my mother. I've often asked my daughter why she keeps choosing these "bad boys" and trying to tame them instead of finding a regular stable guy with a job. She would always say that normal guys are too boring. Then one day I observed her talking to one of her ex boyfriends and she was shockingly verbally abusive to him. He was a textbook narcissist and yet he just stood there are said nothing. I couldn't figure out why they were so in love with each other, each acting suicidal if they were apart for even 1 day, then in the next moment they couldn't stand each other. Just like my mom and dad. Now I know why.

[@nikkicrisp8563]

Ehhh I wouldn’t say borderline is inherited.... most of the time it happens through childhood trauma (most of the time due to narcissist/borderline family members). And the trauma could be anything; from a small perceived slight to straight up abuse. And because it’s embedded from childhood, it’s extremely difficult to treat (we’re talking therapy and lots of it- google DBT and CBT). Basically because the incident caused them to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms (subconsciously), and a lot of people aren’t even diagnosed until their 20s. Wishing you and your family may heal from it. I know it’s hard, but try to be patient. ❤️A Borderline in recovery

[@jillianclayton1192]

@@nikkicrisp8563 - thanks for the information.

[@raerae2885]

“How do I know that I don’t exist if I don’t exist?” Reminds me of some people speaking about enlightenment when the “ego” falls away. The ex and his girlfriend got arrested for choking each other in public at a casino. I thought it was trouble in paradise, but it seems it’s true love. Cheers!

[@ozlemsahin1719]

Aşk mı ?

[@susanhoward189]

Wow! I really have never heard anyone say what you have said. It blew me away how incite full you are. I’ve been involved with a couple of narcissistic men and now I’m questioning whether I’m BPD 🤔

[@minouj1595]

Same here. I thought I was codependent

[@David-zu2bf]

You're amazing Sam ! What a precious work you're offering to us. Thank you so much.

[@patriciasmith8024]

Your explanation of cluster B personality types is so on point. Thank you for helping me understand this knowledge.

[@mixinstyle]

Borderlines fantasize about being rescued out of a dull depressing existence, and if a narcissist lays on the charm with their usual grandiose mannerism and deluded self ego, the borderline lovebombs in response to the narcissist's own lovebomb. Therefore the relationship is initially is very explosive, but eventually they repel each other. The borderline's destructive personality causes the narcissist to despise her, so even if she threatens self harm as a way to get the narcissist to pity her, the narcissist's response is to simply not care. Remember JR and Sue Ellen? 🤣

[@beccajohnston9448]

So unbelievably true.

[@gunarasnaca6130]

Very accurate! So the solutions is that so called borderline saves herself from her depressive and dull reality so she does not need to get involved in this painful deal. Except that she does not hurt herself to get the pity but to prove herself the reason for pain.

[@in2delite]

The painful truth has brought me to my knees.

[@NumHeut]

The Band "Pain of Salvation" has a beautifull song that tells this story in a very poetic way. The song is called "Ashes". I love this song since I'm about 14 years old. I'm almost 39 now. ;)

[@tracicolomb]

This was surprisingly refreshing to me as a confirmation of what I’ve not been able to describe to others. A helpful step to lift the invisible cloak I unwillingly have been a captive of forever.

[@melissachinnici]

25 mins in and wow. Just wow. This resonates so much with my recent split. This insight gives me all the more strength to let go and move on with my life. Thank you.

[@Tluv_1955]

Yea my narcissist ex was the crazy mentally ill one and he tried to tell me I was the crazy one that was mentally ill

[@rjackson-1128]

Same here.. Just recently.. Smh..

[@jturtle5318]

That's straight out of the narcissistic abuser playbook.

[@delilahsimpson-pq9js]

Wow this is absolutely incredible, I'm a borderline and both my sons father's are narcissists, as are all my ex partners in my whole life and this completely explains why things have been this way my whole life 😭😭😭 I thank U so much for opening my eyes and sharing Ur intelligence. At least I can accept and try to heal myself.

[@missbcritiques9209]

Exact same situation as you 😢😮

[@tube_trance]

Sincere thanks for all of your work on the subject of narcissism. Amazing insights.

[@cemilbuhan3111]

i cant describe how much i enjoy your videos, i have never come across with these perspectives absolutely birilliant,thank you..

[@joymace1223]

Recently my narcissist ex is confessing all his "sins" against me to everyone after his borderline girlfriend destroyed him. I'm not sure why he felt the need to do that. He told me he wanted to give me closure and to heal. I told him I'm good. I moved on without your apology...you can go now...back to from where you came. That borderline needs you.

[@Ciera_Banks]

No offence but his ex ain’t the problem. He is. And you are as well if you think it’s her. And I can tell you now, she doesn’t want him. I was in this situation and sooo happy when someone took him off my hands lol. Good riddance and enjoy. (Yes, I see this comment is very old)

[@marciestoddard730]

@@Ciera_Banks wow i was so literally about to type that. i could feel that subtle petty remark as well, and it is not the woman's issue that she fell into the same thing you did, after you...nice projection there.

[@ferahyildiz2992]

I can understand more now why my relationship last six years with a covert narcissist. I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and it makes sense now. Thank you

[@AysenGuler369-zs1om]

This was in the movie " Who is afraid of Virginia Wolf". They tear each other apart then come together.

[@herwigcoryn6197]

I learned something very important about narcissists

[@renatabolton2660]

@ 35:19 this has something to do with the phenomenon of "Limerence" as described by Dr. Tennov. I know one narc-borderline duo, and the narc in this couple is now fixated on another woman who he can't have (because she is married to his friend). This new woman is presenting a huge challenge to the narc in turn, making him feel "alive". Narcs can experience love as limerence.

[@samvaknin]

samvak.tripod.com/lovepathology.html I mention limerence in several of my videos.

[@ambergulley403]

This was extremely heavy to listen to. But insightful. Thanks for the upload.

[@christinapaterno5585]

Sam I just love you. I watched you almost every day for years and recently took a few months off. I clicked on a video of yours for the first time in a while, and the first words… “So you thought you got rid of me?”…. No Sam, I couldn’t. I’m enamored and intrigued just like the rest of them, lol.

[@eyalcohen6524]

"the risk to losing your wife to the animated corpse from above..."🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@oniquekabright7492]

😆

[@carolynscott7413]

Our 28 year old BDP granddaughter triangulated with her grandfather who is a covert Narc. She acted out and demonstrated disrespect toward me. I asked him to speak to her, defend me against the lies she was telling. Tell her that she was out of line talking to me the way she was. His response was, "Do you ever look at yourself?" and, "You're crazy. You need to get fixed." I went into therapy, learned the characteristics of an N and ADD. After 55 years of being told our arguments were my fault, him telling me, as husband he would have the final say, that I'm too controlling and will not control him, that I have bad timing, use a wrong tone of voice, wrong choice of words, (scripts suggested) and finding neither of them will engage in a discussion about their behaviors, I walked away.

[@vibe_oli]

This explains my relationship to my husband to a tee. I recently went through my "I'm gonna get rid of you before you get rid of me " phase and cheated with someone we know. I completely humiliated him. He is a serial cheated and I was splitting him for tge last 2 years as completely bad. The way you are describing why he picked me, why he doesn't just leave, and exactly how he is acting after what I did is so exact its mind blowing. I wish I could get him to watch this video and a lot of your videos. He knows I have BPD and I have told him in order for you to still be here after all we have done to eachother in our 13 years of marriage. He has to have a mental or personality disorder as well. No truly healthy person stays.

[@FeralCatSanctuary]

This is just fascinating. You make it so real. So understandable. I have not been diagnosed as Borderline although one of my husbands thought I was. I think the last relationship I had (which was a "second-go-round") was with a Narcissist. I don't know if my rejection of him mortified him or not since I will no longer see or talk with him. I have cut him off completely from me. In the end I felt absolute disgust of him, something I have never felt before for any man. In my email cutting him off I know I tried to convey, in as few words as possible, how disgusting I found him. I did love him the first time we met and had a relationship. That ended with me throwing him out. This second time, I fell back in love, but didn't realize that what he was doing was 'love-bombing" me. How I wish I could have you diagnose the whole interaction. I watch your videos intently. I believe my mother was a Narcissist which is why I am so utterly fascinated with the whole subject. My psychiatrist wants me to write a book about my life and my family. I don't know yet if I will. I will continue to watch your videos. Thank you for making them.

[@LaBrujaDeSaTuRnO]

I’m so thankful for this man’s perspective.

[@naghshepenhan]

The last minutes of this video made me cry. Cry and laugh ( I can never separate my cynicism from the overwhelming despair). It was heart breaking. When I think about us - the skinless (me) and the ghost in the frozen castle (him)- I suspect that the fleeting moment in which he lost the "form" to become "The becoming" itself and the second I was permitted to alleviate my personal hell of nameless and always changing emotions by infusing them into the pillars and walls of a timeless fortress I was never able (or wanted) to build, that moment created a mythology of love. It maybe lasted few months, or maybe only few days or even hours, but it was enough to give a purpose to everything that came after. As If true love HAS to betray itself, it has to miss itself: the tree of love grows on the lovers bodies but they will never taste its fruits, otherwise it can not even have the dignity of being called love. I miss this. I really do. But I know that a new definition of love and life and sense of purpose has to rise from the ashes of this last disaster otherwise even Sisyphus' punishment has more meaning than the one we inflict upon ourselves.

[@OlgaKozhemiakina]

It's a poem about my last affair. Bravo, Sam Vaknin!

[@majatooks4010]

I’m a borderliner long years of loneliness and craziness, I know that I can manipulate ppl, do it first unintentionally, now that I know about my disorder, I try hard not doing it, till I met my narcissistic bf, my favorite person for years, a crazy toxic relationship, just like in this video, ups and downs, I had him crying on the end , told him who he was in a really manipulative way, but he hurt me so much for so long, so I guess we didn’t do us both good, but in a way he made me feel alive , I guess just like I made him feel alive,he is really scared of therapy even started cuz of me, but told me he can’t handle it, having bad ptsd from therapy, idk if I believe him, I had to let him go before he would absolutely destroy me, I still love him wish he gets better, but I doubt it, some new supply will buy his love, at least this relationship made me realize I need more help to get my emotions under control, and understand him more,he is really broken and it makes him evil, he said love just hurts to much, he doesn’t wants to attached to me

[@vidaskreb310]

Thank you Sam for another extraordinary video. The depth of knowledge and articulation of complex subjects are sublime. A masterpiece. It brings unprecedented clarity. So much oversimplistic misinformation out there that causes more harm then good. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.

[@peace2743]

Your videos are so thorough and in-depth. I’m in awe.

[@manuelmanzanero5057]

Because they are two peas in a pod. Narcissists are takers and borderlines too (under an initial guise of givers that soon fades). Each one is the perfect complement to the other insofar as it helps them to feel good about themselves in the pathological way that their respective disorder determines (the one finds "narcissistic supply", and the other finds validation, strong emotions and a certain stability and recurrence in their relationships, since the narcissist does neither allow himself to be discarded nor leave when the borderline gets bored with him, unlike the neurotypical guy, so both repeat the cycle over and over again). They made the other's bed, now they can sleep in it.

[@albrehthas6678]

Absolutely the best description ever.

[@realestateandvibes]

My mouth is literally stuck open at the accuracy of this video!!!

[@synaesthesia4183]

Oh Sam, I love your videos. A uniquely qualified expert in the field with one of a kind insights

[@dknstrkt]

Thats why I love your ideas Sam. I watch, and I finish your sentences before you speak them and I am mortified. Mortified by how intimately I understand the patterns and behaviors that you illustrate. I am fully willing to accept that I am a narcissist, I tell myself. Then I convince myself that I can't be a narcissist because my self-loathing is total. Then you remind me that this is why. As an aside, how can it be that we are so attuned to identify and cherry-pick BPD women from such a small cohort of the total population? Seems like an impossible task, if it were chosen with conscious intent.v

[@dknstrkt]

@@sandrathomas2893 yes, thats 25% which would be the minority by a factor of 3. Yes its too many, but I doubt it would make any difference. We would find them.

[@Pandurz]

Because we share the same wounds, but with different defences. I attract almost exclusively narc men, for me I think it’s because we feel ‘seen’ by one another. There’s a child-like innocence to it in the early stages, and for a moment those wounds feel licked.

[@dknstrkt]

@@Pandurz The difficult part is that 'normal' women feel boring after experiencing the attraction phase with a borderline. Its intoxicating to the extent that its difficult to be in thrall without it. I can be in the presence of a woman most would consider extremely attractive and feel absolutely nothing at all, even though I can objectively acknowledge that they are an attractive person. The phenomenon is definitely something that is operating above the level of my concious awareness or control.

[@dotw1778]

Ginger McKeanna and Sam Rothstein from "Casino" (starred Sharon Stone and Robert de Niro) are a perfect example od such couple.

[@escalera601]

Great example…

[@montega.]

Wow youre right

[@josiemaria2507]

Wow. This is almost poetic.. It makes a lot of sense.

[@anaismbanza4311]

Real talk!

[@citla_ao]

This information is so heartbreaking and true.

[@rjackson-1128]

"I'm Really Gone Right Now And I Cant Run Away From Or Think My Way Through This.. You're A Very Very Different Individual.. You've Got Me Tapped Into Emotions That I Swore To Myself That I Would Never Feel Again.. Ever.. And For That, Until The End Of Time When God Is In Front Of Us Both, I Will Thank You.. You Have Put The Perspective Of Life On A Whole New Level For Me.. Its Worth, The Importance Of Time And The Emotional Ties To Ones Mentality.. I'm Grateful For That.. I Came Outta This, Not A Man, But A Being.. A Hollow, Cursed Being.. And That's Who I Am Forever.. This And Future Experiences Will Haunt The Depths Of My Soul And I'm Ready.. I Taste And Feel It.. And It Burns.. I Will Endure And Look Forward To The Pain.. I've Become One With Them.. My Being Isn't One For Saving.. Not Anymore.." If this is anything like what self-mortification is for a narcissist, then I guess I understand now.. I received this message 6 days ago from my ex/father of my 2 children, whom I believe to be a narcissist.. He has currently been out of the country for 8 months, but even still, we split up (he abandoned me and our older child) when I told him I was pregnant with our youngest almost 2 years ago.. We haven't had any consistent contact until only about 2 months ago.. It's been up and down, but I feel like it finally reached its peak 6 days ago.. Through only a text message exchange, I lashed out at him when he tried to pity play, telling me he has mental health issues going on, he's taking antidepressants, and how I am towards him now drives him to the point of feeling scared for himself when alone with a weapon (he never made mention to ANYTHING LIKE THIS before).. I was so upset as to how he was trying to make me out to be an aggressor that I reminded him of REAL antidepressants that used to be on my dresser, which we have talked about before; counseling I have been in for 3 years since being with him; and the last time he ever step foot in my house shortly after I got pregnant, where he was drunk and essentially raped me, when I was crying, pushing him, and yelling at him to stop.. After I sent that, immediately after I texted him "I hate you!".. I sent it again 4 times, in the following ten mins.. I have never said this to anyone ever in my life, because I don't hate anyone.. But in that moment, I truly hated him.. He replied with the above message.. I haven't been diagnosed as having full blown BPD from my therapist, but she has concluded I have 5 of the traits of the disorder.. This video brought me to the brink of real tears.. It is extremely enlightening and makes complete sense, as I sit back and reminisce and relate it me and my ex's entire relationship.. I have known him since I was 15 years old.. I'm 29 now.. I can only pray for the best for our 2 children.. I pray they don't grow into toxic behaviors and instead have healthy, meaningful lives and interpersonal relationships..

[@rjackson-1128]

@@Yahshija Have they commented on this video?

[@rjackson-1128]

@@Yahshija I have found her channel.. Thanks so much for the suggestion..

[@gracious6461]

Write a book my dear share this with the world

[@rjackson-1128]

@@gracious6461 Thanks so much.. I have considered writing a book several times.. Our history is something else.. There have been sooo many dramatic, life-changing events that we initiated by him through malice.. But somehow or another, I would always take him back.. I finally gave up with the pregnancy of our second child.. I just couldn't take the toxicity anymore..

[@agnese2215]

Fatal attraction ....as a borderline i can say Superb video Sam!

[@agnese2215]

@@freedomfighter9976 i am still with him is the only person that make feel up..but i know deep inside that is a toxic relation 😔

[@wzlkk3ghlf091]

Are you still with him? I was just discarded a week ago and I miss him so badly... He has been the only person able to contain me, but he has a new supply and that's the only thing keeping me apart I can't, I don't share But I feel like I'm never gonna find what I had with him

[@456inthemix]

Deep analysis of the true nature of Narcissist & Bipolar Relationship, ➡️ they team up to re- experience the pain again, Booaah. That was heavy 👍🙈🙊🙉👍

[@marciestoddard730]

pretty sure hes discussing borderline personality disorder, which is an entirely different thing than bipolar, which is more to do with mood.

[@eleodel1]

This is useful, as my father had NPD and my mother BPD, and I never, ever got it. She does hate him. He married 2 more BPD women after my mother...

[@eleodel1]

@@TurbulantSynider I'm 47 years old and a therapist, with years of therapy and supervision, many friends who are also therapists; believe me, I would get ample advance warning if I started to go down that route. My brother has it though

[@JessicaRamirez81622]

This is so true. Once I (bpd) would do the whole stay at home, clean, cook thing, he would get bored. Thats when he would start refusing affection. He wouldn't give me any attention. He started looking for new supply. He always came back tho. 5 discards in 6yrs. Hoping this time hes done

[@audriiiiroberts3030]

I’m bpd too. Cut ties, burn the bridge. You can and will do better. Someone will love you fully. If you are financially attached, form a plan in silence and act out on it

[@Whydidya]

So do the opposite??

[@patrickwilliams7552]

My last 2 year relationship summed up. She was a borderline and I thought I was a caretaking/rescuing co-dependent but now I’m not sure 😅 fuck. Maybe I’m actually a deflated narcissist. Holy shit he is spot on with that mortification stuff! 100% me. Damn.

[@fridakahlo3228]

😉

[@Msjungpeck]

Thankyou for educating us....This is the good part of KZbin...

[@Brezanova]

Mr. Vaknin, thank you for helping us and sharing this knowledge. It goes a long way.

[@debbiewilliams1083]

Another eye opening lesson!!! You are a special teacher.

[@stellacruz2371]

I think the pain of getting a tattoo helps people feel alive. That people are covering themselves from head to toe says a lot about what's going on in our world.

[@keyountisejones4071]

@@gigi9301 just admit you're ageist. Why would a person not get tatted because they won't be seen as attractive at 70 or 80 when they won't be considered attractive in society regardless by then ?? If you're 70, 80 years old, the least of your worries is a darn tattoo & if a kid thinks you're attractive or not. Why on earth should you be rating the attractiveness of a senior citizen, & why should they care? That's not a good reason to not do something that makes you happy as a young person when you should be doing what makes your heart happy & enjoying your youth. When you're aging & approaching the end of life, you'll have way more serious issues than that & shouldn't be focused on that kind of vanity anymore. If a kid looks at you like you have zero attractiveness because you've got a tattoo & you're older then too bad, they'll just have to deal with it. You're a RN, so do your job which is focusing on the health of the patients & stop acting like you're working for a modeling agency.

[@kimlarso6622]

@@keepingitreal-thatsright Liver damage?

[@keyountisejones4071]

@@keepingitreal-thatsright Where did I mention tattoos not being a health risk? If they are that would be a reason not to get them but that's not what the op was concerned about. She was concerned with how unattractive she thought tattoos were on people who have advanced in age. My point was why would anybody gives a damn what she thinks about their looks when they're 70 or 80 years old? If she's a RN she needs to grow up, do her job & stop staring at her elderly patients long enough to be concerned with their appearance because that's creepy.

[@nikkishaye9385]

@@keyountisejones4071 💯!

[@nikkishaye9385]

@@keepingitreal-thatsright 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@Greeny_isthegoat]

True Dr! I felt like a mother that was neglecting her child

[@aKalanch]

The best video on narcissism ever!

[@fashionjunkee24]

This is spot on.

[@looslaura1]

Mothers day especially tough for the narcissist I'm sure

[@samvaknin]

If he remembers it at all.

[@looslaura1]

@@samvaknin good point, I forgot the heavy drinking part for just a moment 🥂

[@radutomas1957]

@@samvaknin spot on

[@ShanaeColeman-pk2qf]

Lmao yes it’s always the kids bought you flowers 😂🎉

[@Lee1cassidy]

What about the woman that can feel the pull of his need for supply but holds it internally as a durance or power?

[@meganmegzy281]

Thank you so much for this absolutely amazing fantastic video

[@katjahleb2163]

To the T. You are a genius.

[@lilaj2908]

I used to think I don’t exist so the more I hear this, the more I think I must be a narcissist. But I’m full of empathy too so prob not. Complicated!!

[@fridakahlo3228]

True narcissists are the last ones to recognize and acknowledge they are narcissists.

[@fludderkiddie]

Perfect explanation...my first conscious thought within the first 5 minute? “Ugh..yeah...I HATE that game...”

[@cocounderwood13]

This is absolutely amazing...I have words...I have definition❤️Thank you for your genius...I can’t get enough of you...I bought into the twin flame concept because of the powerful toxic dance...Oh this wonderful waltz of pain and sex.....❤️

[@gwenlittle8100]

It just sounds like a merry-go-round of the old "cycle of abuse" scenario. God help, if they were to add children in to the equation!

[@Trashfire888]

33:13 That got really gnostic-y there for a sec -- like, the false self is comparable to the "Demi-urge". According to some beliefs, this was the God of the Old Testament...But, I doubt most people need that to be explained to them tbh lol. I don't know if this is your background at all but, considering how Jung was interested in alchemy and other similar philosophies, it reminds me of one of the teachings in Kybalion; "That which is above is like that which is below"...it sounds like the narcissist mirrors his internal reality, externally -- which seems to be no less than the total destruction of the inner child, which is as you said, the destruction of his authentic self. Not only does he sacrifice his authentic self, but the people he mirrors as well -- like he's absorbing them into his body just to digest them. But, this is really just my opinion and interpretation on my own life. I think in one of your videos you even compared "taking the narcissists hand [into shared fantasy]" to something Faustian... I think my first boyfriend was a narcissist. Watching your video's is helping me try to answer that question. He found me enticing because he saw me as "innocent" and as "an angel" and "virginal"...which is just colored language for "vulnerable". He idealized me, obsessed over me, and then he started to punish me which is something I still am working to understand to this day...let alone understand if I truly antagonized him through my reactions against him. I can't help but think of him in terms of Franciso Goya's painting "Saturn devouring his son"...I have to laugh so, I don't cry I guess.

[@channalmath8628]

The way you talk to your audience is pretty funny. I can't tell if you're playing at narcissism or truly exhibiting it. Seriously, though, great content. thanks

[@madmarlowe1422]

BPD woman and only have had long-term relationships with narcissists. At least I've stayed married for over 20 years and raised good kids