Why Narcissists Love Borderline Women and Why They Hate Them Back

Full text here: samvak.tripod.com/faq01.html
Narcissists love borderlines because they can mortify them, like their mothers did. Borderlines hurt narcissists because they love them.
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[@twainslureca]

Being diagnosed with BPD since 19, now 41, all my major relationships were with men who had NPD. It is a dance I need to end as it’s damaged me just as much as childhood.

[@missbcritiques9209]

Yep that’s all I attract

[@missbcritiques9209]

@@wildchild6141 I’m just empty at this point going through it atm with another narc!!! I have the ability to ignore him and discard him, devalue him put him down etc..he feels the need to impress me, compete with other man Lmaoooo I’m comorbid bpd npd! Tbh I’m terrible I’ve put a knife to him..and now he’s unleashing he’s narc rage on me 🤦🏽‍♀️😂😂😱

[@missbcritiques9209]

@@wildchild6141 I know

[@Greeny_isthegoat]

We choose familiar. I always chose men similar to my abusive father figures

[@gsmooth4279]

@@missbcritiques9209 I’m more the opposite. Normally I have to put effort in to attract girls (as most men do), but the only girl who ever showed a persistent interest in me was seriously emotionally unstable. I initially thought she was an empath since she “absorbed the emotions of others” (an assessment she agreed with), but in retrospect she looked very similar to how BPD is described. I don’t know, all I can say for certain is that she was very unstable.

[@ixtlimrtnz]

Borderline as a “Failed narcissist” is fascinating to me because I’ve seen borderline as hanging onto the last bit of empathy they have access to. And then losing their hold on it when there is too much stress or a threat of abandonment. Thanks a lot for these videos. Truly so insightful

[@manuelmanzanero5057]

I would rather say that they are unregulated narcissists.

[@redfullmoon]

This is a very narcissistic perspective, but that is as expected from Vaknim. Otto Kernberg says narcissism is a defense against the borderline tendency to split and have an image of oneself of anything other than positive.

[@Ezduzit164]

Perfectly said.

[@alishamykea]

😮. 😮😮😮😮😮 😮😮 😮😮 😮vvc😮c vvv 😊😊😊 G

[@benholler3611]

@@redfullmoonmaybe how it develops

[@maryfowles807]

The part about the child existing before narcissism is very sad.

[@thumbelina9587]

As a BPD who was pushed to mortify him, i could sense his (NPD) desire to detach from me. He was getting close to me, to the point of dependence which I could feel caused him great discomfort. In that desperation to detach, there was an intermingle of sadness and fondness. Feeling betrayed by his desire to separate, I was enraged and went above and beyond to destroy every bit of good he saw in me. Yes, he started the spark of fire to our shared fantasy but I sprayed every nook and corner with gasoline and made sure every one of its pillar and foundation was burnt to dust. With our bodies covered in ashes from the burnt remnants of what we built together, I could feel myself looking at him grudgingly saying under my breath, "I hope you are happy now,". And for a second, I know as two defunct people, we both felt free from the destruction of what bound us together. I truly had tears in my eyes after your poetic description of the NPD/BPD love affair at the end of the video. My love for him really transcends romantic love. That stage of my BPD acting out (mortification) was really an attempt from my regressed infantile self to destroy the cage (shared fantasy) which transformed us into two dysfunctional little kids via parental roles assignments. Subconciously, I understood the toxicity of the environment we were in because I've lived it as a kid and by destroying that shared fantasy, him and I could be liberated from the dysfunctional love we operate on. And, that really was my gift for him.

[@Justic3PourTous]

This is so poetic. I can’t believe how you expressed such a complicated dynamic so eloquently & effortlessly. Your message penetrated my heart & soul. And it was oddly comforting to read this as someone suffering from bpd who desperately wanted to make my relationship with my narcissistic parter Im trying everything in my power not to go back. I want to so bad I want him, I need him, i crave him but we are so psychologically wounded, and dysfunctional when we’re together

[@faddy24]

What makes you firmly believe he was NPD? Also, can't a Borderline do the same thing to a neurotypical because if the borderline is confusing us and inflicting pain, particularly in a situation where they are triggered or splitting us to black then what you've described seems quite similar in many ways to what I experienced back in May this year with my ldr ex who I suspect might have strong borderline and NPD traits. She also spoke of (in a email 2 weeks after the event) of us having this sort of misguided fantasy idea of each other. Personally I never did , except in romantic, sentimental moments as I would with any woman where I was emotionally involved and felt passionate about them. This also occured 16 months after she'd ended our ldr relationship. We were having a 2nd reunion after remaining close post breakup.

[@mec.laurapalmer7155]

​@@faddy24😢

[@mec.laurapalmer7155]

Have you ever met her?

[@faddy24]

@@mec.laurapalmer7155 yes I have, that's why I mentioned our 2nd reunion.

[@vincentwilliams8685]

This made me sad even though I hate my ex narc. No child deserves to be ignored.

[@khadijatajmohd3144]

I fail to understand this....

[@ktp.]

Same here. I feel sorry for my ex narc as I can now see he's in a dream/nightmare that he can never wake from. Truly sad.

[@milanabrajkovic4637]

Contrary to this - borderlines destroy narcissists

[@radioactivepotato2068]

Do you realise that by hating them, you're still allowing them to control you? Think about that: They're not even in your life and they're still controlling you, like a remote control car.

[@kelleymcclain7380]

@@radioactivepotato2068 Absolutely true! The true escape is indifference. Some of us have been thru all kinds of trauma in our lives and we don’t destroy people who try to love us because of it. They turned to the dark side & need to be on an island, alone with eachother until they get sand kicked in their face so much they realize it freakin hurts and not to do it. That it hurts people.

[@zappawench6048]

When my relationship with a narcissist came to an end, he had taken so much from me that my self-esteem was in negative figures. I was totally destroyed and it took so long and so much work to put myself back together again.

[@ferahyildiz2992]

Same ..im still working on it

[@er8552]

Pretty much

[@Tarotinzichten]

Me 2

[@tntboyhaha2]

Mommy

[@Fayith1trains]

On on that journey now and I am a shell of myself after 12 years, sacrificed everything, he was in recovery, in and out of prison and I never gave up and when we had our son and lived together it became worse but he would apologize and love bomb and always would gaslight me bc I called out every red flag and could feel it in my gut but he would say I’ll take a lie detector test.He even shed tears more than once when I went in on him at the end and everything that you have said everything has been 100% on point I’m happy I now see through this behavior and hopefully one day can help another

[@uxoriousNO]

This is flat out fucking fascinating, no other way to say it.

[@nicolameikle3976]

It’s very common for borderlines to become co dependants due to lack of self love etc therefore the constant intermittent reinforcement from the narc creates a trauma bond - hellish to get out of xxx

[@queenofstitcheswarrior2668]

Exactly! Also overlap of narcissistic behaviour in the diagnose of BPD. My brother loves women with BPD, while be himself has a lot of Narcissitic traits. My parents and i cut the bond with them after more then 20 years of emotional abuse. We are empty and i feel damaged and pissed. I have to work on healing now..

[@nicolameikle3976]

@@queenofstitcheswarrior2668 ❤️

[@fevah26]

"Borderline woman is an engine of mortification.... he chose her to destroy him." That totally tracks. I (bpd) used to tell my ex (npd) that he's the spider spinning webs and I'm the cobra that eats him for breakfast. Extended periods of contentment in that relationship was treason. If I didn't test the limits of his power and control, he would tempt my rage and provoke my wrath.

[@ixtlimrtnz]

Exactly

[@VictoriaMeeker]

I fed his crap back to him. I couldn’t freaking help it 😩 I think to some extent borderline for me but “damn here eat shit you big bully” 🥺👍🏽 Same

[@nandanapalchowdhury4588]

Ohhh myy goodddddd! I named my ex spider and he named me scorpion! Like wtffff

[@urebeatsgaming7285]

@@nandanapalchowdhury4588 This is creepy, I tried to get romantically involved with an NPD individual and I called myself scorpion and her a black widow... Or maybe i'm the NPD and she's the borderline, I haven't figured it out yet, but whatever it was, was unstable for sure.

[@faddy24]

@@urebeatsgaming7285 basically two predators devouring each other . Like a kind of twisted death pact.

[@ciaraskeleton]

This is all so true. The dynamics of an npd bpd relationship are wild. When the bpd person is defeated and accepts the npds abuse, or as you said, they settle down and become a home maker or become stable the narcissist is furious! They lash out til they get a reaction until one gives up or gets bored, then he moves on to the next bpd girl to feed him, hoping she always remains unstable and reactive. I've been thinking these thoughts for years, and having someone who knows alot more than me, put this into words is just great.

[@alicewonderland8027]

I can relate to this. When you settle and get your life together, he'll abuse you even more. He prefers to destabalize you, because he needs your emotional reactions. Made exactly the same experience. It was and still is devastating.

[@littlepip4014]

Holy shit, our relationship was actually better when we were volatile and fighting more. Once I had my son I realized I had to get my crap together and I started working on myself. We had fights but it wasn’t what they were. I didn’t throw/scream at the top of my voice anymore (I did raise it, but out of frustration he would joke through every single fight. I’d beg for him to just have a normal conversation once). He became more and more abusive and triggered me whenever I started to develops healthy patterns. Looking back, he absolutely kept me “crazy” so he could turn around and get sympathy from friends/family/coworkers about how crazy I was. He’d come home and tell me how he got a girls number and how he flirted with her but I didn’t need to worry because he just wanted to show off to his coworker, yet when I would eventually spiral because I was worried he was cheating again he’d turn around and be like “GOD you are so crazy, everyone says so. I didn’t do anything wrong, it was just a joke why can’t you take a joke” etc etc. he’d ignore me and it would cause a BPD panic attack and I’d blow up his phone all day begging to please be answered and apologizing for getting upset at him, even though a NON BPD person would be upset if their partner of 7 years came home telling them about flirting with other women just to show off to the bros.

[@tammymargriter9085]

When I was younger the pain I experienced as the outcast of a covert narcissist mother was so bad and that of a overt narcissist dad that one time I broke a glass and grind my feet in it because it destracted me from the pain I felt in my heart.

[@Zagorka007]

Are you OK now?🌺🌺🌺

[@bluelotus1363]

I completely understand. I had the exact same parental setup and I cut myself for years to deal with it. 😞

[@n.b.0212]

May you heal. This made my heart cry. 😕

[@catalinabernot]

I have a covert mom and an overt father. Honestly a horrible combination of people. Mother was an absolute victim, always subtly making be doubt myself and hate myself, feeling guilty and dependant on her, yet I was left to care for my sisters and myself. Overt father was physically abusive mostly, but also completely delusional and controlling. Took me 22 years to realize my mother was truly sick, now I don't know who harmed me most, but I hate them both equally. I'm sorry you had to go through that, I fully understand your pain. Sending love!

[@Luna-ss7bo]

I am so sorry I hope you have better life now

[@stephengrant4533]

This is like a work of art... Your best painting ever. Your words and intonations are brushstrokes creating a beautiful and terrible picture of these relationships. It’s like “how does he know me”...? IDK...but you have captured it here. It’s poetic and shameful and beautiful and so dark...and true. I’ve watched most of your videos...and always learn more...even if it hurts. This is a masterpiece... Thank you so much...!!!

[@dominiquefelder1809]

WOW

[@avaloneckert1257]

Agreed!

[@eeland6972]

Agree too

[@MyWorld-xw6ic]

I just discovered him last week and I’ve been binge watching too. It hurts to hear these truths about one’s self but it’s so wonderful too.

[@MsCaitlin7]

It is art, it's a sort of symphony of words to me.

[@Tarotique]

One of the most masterful presentations on the complex npd / bpd dynamic I've ever seen. Bravo! I'm a diagnosed borderline with 30 years of experience dating ( and marrying and divorcing) narcissists, the trauma traces back to my father of course. I can attest to everything that is presented here. I will add however that overtime the bpd outgrows the dynamic with proper therapy, commitment to self analysis and treatment. Bpd's are more compliant with treatment. With every narcissistically abusive Relationship I gained strength and insight to the point of growing bored of their antics and being forced to learn how to self soothe, provide myself with validation, learn to abstain from dating, sustain the discomfort of all the uncomfortable emotions and resolve the original wound with a qualified trained professional. The narcissists I've interacted with however don't seem to ever reach a healed state, their delusional state is almost essential to their survival they also reject diagnosis and do not comply with treatment. You are absolutely correct about the fact that they idealize us as sexual objects who are "hired" to torture and them and role-play. Attempting to conform to any kind of domestic role will immediately break the bond. Fantastic lecture!

[@MaddieSan435]

Yes! I also feel like with age, experience and therapy I pick up way earlier on the need of a narcissist to be mortified. Years long relationships turned into a couple of months . In my last relationship with a narcissist I ended up just helping him to detach because I got bored and extremely drained by his ghosting and immaturity. I think he was getting psychotic and enjoyed my suffering a little bit too much and not for the right reasons. It was still hurtful to me to ruin our relationship but in this particular case I felt like there was a darkness within him beyond a false self. It's hard to precisely explain. There was an evil-like presence. I wanted to be out. I think he knew very well he wasn't in control of himself as well.

[@saniamohamed2023]

Damn this has opened my eyes so much. This man is extremely smart. I’m a borderline female and I have dated a narcissistic man and it used to seem like he’d trigger me on purpose just for me to hurt him over and over and at some point I’d be so confused because he hurt me but I stayed and he loved that I hurt him it made him joyous. Very scary stuff. Thank you for opening my eyes and brain to such endearing information!

[@saniamohamed2023]

@@isabellalora6533 most of the time by calling him names that were degrading.

[@saniamohamed2023]

@@isabellalora6533 basically things like “you aren’t a real man” “you aren’t doing anything with your life, you’re a bum” these are things that are just really mean that I’ve acknowledged along the way.

[@saniamohamed2023]

@@isabellalora6533 yes very and I realized he liked it because for some reason he always loved starting fights with my borderline triggers

[@saniamohamed2023]

@@isabellalora6533 yeah how can you love someone who still loves their ex girlfriend? It’s a brick wall. Your love will go to waste: he’s just using you if he’s still in love with his ex girlfriend you can do so much better:)

[@saniamohamed2023]

@@isabellalora6533 yeah that’s the same situation i’m in. I’m not sure maybe it’s like trauma bonding... we are probably used to being hurt by them or something or our families i’m unsure sometimes.

[@danawaleed848]

My ex Narc, used to show more interest when I am triggering him, he chases me more all around, when I abuse him he likes it! I experienced it.

[@kelleymcclain7380]

Wow.. I’m in the middle of this. With someone that was married to a bpd it’s making me crazy. I’ve never tried so hard to build normalcy and peace with someone that always says they want it but I completely become invisible when there’s zero drama. When he pushes me to breaking point & I am “mean” in my opinion - he becomes nice. It’s insanity - literally

[@kelleymcclain7380]

@@monicanapier9087 Monica ~ this was a year ago and it finally ended Jan. 21. You couldn’t be more correct. NPC for sure! I call him “fish eyed robot” because he has dead fish eyes and robotic behavior. They are so good at mimicking you think for sure there’s some soulmate thing going on. Then when you are all in and going thru the “relationship” they have no clue how to function so they keep you in confusion because nothing they do or say makes sense. It was bizarre and cost me an attorney to get out of. He doesn’t text or call really unless he’s trying to find a reason and there’s zero emotion. I’m grossed out at best- it’s beyond comprehension. I had to respond before work and tell you how correct you are!!!! Thank God for discernment and opening my eyes!

[@gunarasnaca6130]

Thank you for sharing I am in the exact same situation and just realizing it, trying to figure out how to get out being financially dependent and pregnant…

[@VrilDerzhava]

Your comment finally made my own situation make sense for me. He says he wants peace, but when things are peaceful, he seems restless, irritated, sullen, resentful. When there is any sort of emotional upheaval or life issue drama, suddenly he acts like the man I initially thought he was (or wished he could be). Exhausting.

[@moonliightbae]

@@VrilDerzhavamy ex npd would say the exact same thing. i want peace, i want a housewife, i want someone like my mom etc, however he was always miserable despite me trying to be domestic as possible. he only was attentive/sweet to me when i was abusive…

[@sandyshorewalker5364]

I am the daughter to a borderline and a Narcissist parent. They had a classic love hate relationship and were married for over 45 years. I really am enjoying watching your videos. Many great Hollywood movies have been done exploring this topic. I lived through it!

[@thirty-eightandfeelinggrea9739]

I'd love to learn what we're the good parts. I'm bpd and ex npd. I want our children to be protected from us. They're in Therapy

[@daniellelang5636]

This is eye opening. When I do well he discards me and is jealous of my accomplishments. When I don’t do well in his eyes he loves me all the more. It’s like I must be unwell in order to be loved by him. I am healing and taking responsibility for my actions and not blaming him or anyone else for the way I’m treated or for the way I have behaved. I’m in counseling every week and I am remorseful but realistic. Im setting boundaries in myself and others for the first time. I’m learning to forgive myself and everyone else. I’m not a victim and I’m not a monster. However, we’re trying to reconcile and I’m so discouraged in this phase. I feel we’ve reached a point of no return in our relationship, but all of our support in church and community really desires us to make the marriage work for our daughter and for God. I now realize I need to change so much that I don’t attract narcissists. My father was a narcissist and possibly schizophrenic and my mother was most likely a borderline but I want to live differently. I think I need to be alone long enough that I change so much that I don’t attract the narcissist. Is there hope for healing? On my part? On his? What say you?

[@WendyRambo-ob3zf]

CAN they work it out and be rati ely happy if both really try? Or does the destruction reach totality for the borderline and she is destroyed, if she lives thru the suicidal idealization ?

[@heleavesthe994the1]

Yep, but then they can’t stand to see you doing well without them. So they’ll come back just to try to destroy you again.

[@user-kg6dv5xo5i]

There is hope for healing for you, but there are very slim chance for a narcisist. The narcisist needs to recognize who and how they are, and go to therapy. Sam says a victim of narcisms needs therapy to heal also.

[@user-jo9bt4gu5r]

Ppl usually leaves a Narcissist, when they finds their self worth. Jazzy.

[@Youtubehandlesaresilly]

@@user-jo9bt4gu5rthat’s why the NPD person attacks the persons sense of self worth so heavily.

[@arablover123]

I have BPD & I married a narcissist. We had a fiery relationship that only lasted about 2 years in total but that little time we both managed to deal a lifetime of hurt. I can’t even begin to explain how much this puts the pieces of the puzzle together for me. I’ve been getting treatment and I have a better self awareness everyday, but in our relationship I was completely devoid of reality. All I could see was the pain that felt never ending to me. The pain I felt like he caused and I deserved. And in turn I hurt him back. I never wanted to and to this day I still feel guilt but I see better how it all came into fruition. He would constantly tell me how numb he felt… how empty life was for him… but we when were in the throws of our arguments he was suddenly alive. He would say I make him happier than anyone else. He’s never felt so much love before. He was worried he COULDN’T feel before. Then… either a.) time would heal, he would back off again… hurt cycle begins. Or b.) I wouldn’t let go of my hurt soon enough to idolize him again. We’d break up… he’d disappear as if we had never met for a while… I feel as if he was punishing me with abandonment for taking him off his thrown. And because I needed so badly to not be abandoned, I’d do anything it took to bring him back. Eventually there was a straw that broke the camels back. I wonder if there’s a closer parallel to his mother than I realized.

[@michellemcintosh68]

You are on something with this,this is what I just experienced with a narcissist,I caused an injury because he took me there. OMG you are the teacher of all teachers on this subject.

[@themagician8851]

In my case he took me there but the guilt almost killed me

[@ESumner]

Really good!! My husband and I are the narcissist/ borderline-ish couple... he’s the narcissist... (grandiose when we met, now covert/ passive aggressive... everything you said about how they treat their spouse is so true!!) and I was diagnosed borderline due to many traumatic events in my life... and a narcissistic mother who was very degrading growing up. Doctors now realized I do in fact have autism spectrum disorder and ADHD, so it explains my lack of realizing I was in relationships with psychopaths... (one of which criminally stalked me for 2 years, 24-7... 😔, now has a restraining order...). My 2 children both have autism, the first is higher functioning (now) but the youngest does need services. That diagnosis helped A LOT. I was diagnosed borderline first due to my anger outbursts, which I would sometimes throw or break my own things like makeup, or injure myself unintentionally in my tirade... but this would be a few times year... and they said it was an autistic meltdown... which is really embarrassing 😔 my husband has come around a lot after we became christians and there’s a Pastor helping our marriage and checking in with him. It’s gotten better over here. We can both now watch your videos as he is not so resistant to the ‘n’ word anymore... I explain it as ‘a cluster of behaviours and symptoms that has a name and the name is narcissism.’ He’s accepting of it now and has begun healing his mother wound. She was a bipolar histrionic who died of alcoholism and drug abuse a few years back. She was very promiscuous and his dad just acted helpless. My husband was severely neglected all his life and terrible thing happened to him. He was locked in a root cellar and they were even held hostage for days by drug dealers 😔 sigh. So I feel for him... I can’t imagine the pain of having those memories as your life... and not a movie you watched... so sad.

[@mexicanbeautyqueen7988]

Wow! Ur husbands experience makes me want to cry.. I’m sorry.. I’m glad you guys got saved that is going to change and improve ur life forever. Praise Jesus..

[@foodyfunk]

@@monicanapier9087 yes!

[@meganpruitt8561]

I think we might be the same person and are with very similar men🤯. Every single thing you wrote and everything the Dr. Has said are exactly my life....I am so shook and oddly happy there are words to describe it all .... thank you so much and also I'm sorry you have to understand how I feel 😕

[@ESumner]

@@meganpruitt8561 fast forward 2 years and I’m divorcing him now as we speak. They don’t get better, he got 100x worse. Don’t overextend your empathy towards your narc. Sneak and hide money, and leave. Read the book ‘psychopath free’. I’m so glad to be out of this living nightmare.

[@HahaT634]

@@ESumner Oh my…that turned around quickly. I just read your initial comment and although I was sympathetic to your relationship and reasons for healing your marriage initially, I was skeptical because Christianity enables narcissism. You as a woman should always put up with it. I am glad you are leaving

[@annemarie6924]

I've been viewing your videos for a few years. This one is your best in my opinion. Absolutely brilliant!!!

[@prinny31]

Totally agree. One of Sam's best in my opinion.

[@amoreparrisbeauty3581]

Yes it makes perfect sense I figured it out already but getting the confirmation is GOLDEN!!!

[@arii992]

100% 👍🏼

[@avaloneckert1257]

This is the first time I've listened to Sam and....WOW. It's like art

[@mexicanbeautyqueen7988]

My father was a narcissist and my mother are borderline and I don’t think they loved each other... They didn’t last

[@tatianaponomareva7016]

My partner always compared me with his mother. I stupidly thought it was a good thing, as a mother is someone good. But now I might consider it was very wrong

[@bandumathithennakoon1683]

Creepy

[@Strassenkaetzchen]

Mine with his dad who destroyed him , for whatever reason?

[@zoemeishealthdiary]

This is absolutely beautiful explanation of psychological repercussions of these two parings. As a women with quiet borderline I'm fascinated by learning about this to prevent myself from being vulnerable or emotionally abused again whereas also trying to avoid repeating verbally abusive patterns with a potential future partner. These behavioural patterns in result of my upbringing has made me to decide to never have children. I want to stop the passed down trauma and try and help others if I am able to without not letting myself be taken advantage of again. I need to learn boundaries and self protection through self worth. Thank you so much for this explanation of pain via sex, emotional neglect or mortification and feeling alive for the borderline and narcissist. I wish the world could be healed..but poverty and past abuse is a catalyst for these abusive behaviours. It's so complex.

[@tturing5698]

Hi do you know that there is research from epigenetics, that it is possible to switch of the trauma activated genes, so you don't pass them on

[@Stevinathomas]

​@@tturing5698 I know this comment is old but, how do you do it?

[@raerae2885]

“How do I know that I don’t exist if I don’t exist?” Reminds me of some people speaking about enlightenment when the “ego” falls away. The ex and his girlfriend got arrested for choking each other in public at a casino. I thought it was trouble in paradise, but it seems it’s true love. Cheers!

[@mixinstyle]

Borderlines fantasize about being rescued out of a dull depressing existence, and if a narcissist lays on the charm with their usual grandiose mannerism and deluded self ego, the borderline lovebombs in response to the narcissist's own lovebomb. Therefore the relationship is initially is very explosive, but eventually they repel each other. The borderline's destructive personality causes the narcissist to despise her, so even if she threatens self harm as a way to get the narcissist to pity her, the narcissist's response is to simply not care. Remember JR and Sue Ellen? 🤣

[@beccajohnston9448]

So unbelievably true.

[@gunarasnaca6130]

Very accurate! So the solutions is that so called borderline saves herself from her depressive and dull reality so she does not need to get involved in this painful deal. Except that she does not hurt herself to get the pity but to prove herself the reason for pain.

[@eyalcohen6524]

"the risk to losing your wife to the animated corpse from above..."🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@oniquekabright7492]

😆

[@karenc9786]

SAM ur humor and ur humility in admitting mistakes is ridiculous and ur videos are the best thanks

[@cleo-patra]

Sam THANK YOU for all your videos. I am so glad I discovered your KZbin channel years back when there was little to nothing on narcissism on KZbin and online. Your informational videos practically saved my life and gave me the words to express/describe my experience with my severly narcissistic mother and enabler father. No one believed my experiences and I suffered in silence thinking there was something wrong with my reality.

[@Brezanova]

Mr. Vaknin, thank you for helping us and sharing this knowledge. It goes a long way.

[@albrehthas6678]

Absolutely the best description ever.

[@Tluv_1955]

Yea my narcissist ex was the crazy mentally ill one and he tried to tell me I was the crazy one that was mentally ill

[@rjackson-1128]

Same here.. Just recently.. Smh..

[@jturtle5318]

That's straight out of the narcissistic abuser playbook.

[@tube_trance]

Sincere thanks for all of your work on the subject of narcissism. Amazing insights.

[@gwenlock]

43 minutes until "when we experience pain we are alive"- Mind blown. Fecking brilliant.

[@David-zu2bf]

You're amazing Sam ! What a precious work you're offering to us. Thank you so much.

[@tammymargriter9085]

Yes I feel even if they didn't ever leave and you knew they weren't ever going to leave the first scenario is horrifically painful and shameful because they have emotionally abandoned/betrayed you to someone else.

[@tracicolomb]

This was surprisingly refreshing to me as a confirmation of what I’ve not been able to describe to others. A helpful step to lift the invisible cloak I unwillingly have been a captive of forever.

[@Forflipsake]

Being a borderline female and diagnosed borderline . This is so informative .

[@colleenc4621]

I've had a very unusual relationship history and am at a period of my life where I know that if I don't sort things out, even my cognitive performance will suffer. Your lectures are almost hypnotizing in regards to the role they're playing in this process. Thank you

[@cemilbuhan3111]

i cant describe how much i enjoy your videos, i have never come across with these perspectives absolutely birilliant,thank you..

[@joymace1223]

Recently my narcissist ex is confessing all his "sins" against me to everyone after his borderline girlfriend destroyed him. I'm not sure why he felt the need to do that. He told me he wanted to give me closure and to heal. I told him I'm good. I moved on without your apology...you can go now...back to from where you came. That borderline needs you.

[@Ciera_Banks]

No offence but his ex ain’t the problem. He is. And you are as well if you think it’s her. And I can tell you now, she doesn’t want him. I was in this situation and sooo happy when someone took him off my hands lol. Good riddance and enjoy. (Yes, I see this comment is very old)

[@marciestoddard730]

@@Ciera_Banks wow i was so literally about to type that. i could feel that subtle petty remark as well, and it is not the woman's issue that she fell into the same thing you did, after you...nice projection there.

[@jillianclayton1192]

Very eye-opening. This explains the weird relationship between my dad and mom, and now my daughter's weird relationship with her dumb jock boyfriend. Is Borderline an inherited personality trait? My daughter acts exactly like my mother. I've often asked my daughter why she keeps choosing these "bad boys" and trying to tame them instead of finding a regular stable guy with a job. She would always say that normal guys are too boring. Then one day I observed her talking to one of her ex boyfriends and she was shockingly verbally abusive to him. He was a textbook narcissist and yet he just stood there are said nothing. I couldn't figure out why they were so in love with each other, each acting suicidal if they were apart for even 1 day, then in the next moment they couldn't stand each other. Just like my mom and dad. Now I know why.

[@nikkicrisp8563]

Ehhh I wouldn’t say borderline is inherited.... most of the time it happens through childhood trauma (most of the time due to narcissist/borderline family members). And the trauma could be anything; from a small perceived slight to straight up abuse. And because it’s embedded from childhood, it’s extremely difficult to treat (we’re talking therapy and lots of it- google DBT and CBT). Basically because the incident caused them to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms (subconsciously), and a lot of people aren’t even diagnosed until their 20s. Wishing you and your family may heal from it. I know it’s hard, but try to be patient. ❤️A Borderline in recovery

[@jillianclayton1192]

@@nikkicrisp8563 - thanks for the information.

[@synaesthesia4183]

Oh Sam, I love your videos. A uniquely qualified expert in the field with one of a kind insights

[@aKalanch]

The best video on narcissism ever!

[@emergewithme957]

@Professor Vaknin I am convinced that you TRULY are the ONLY professional that should speak on Narcissists and all affiliated topics on same. All the advice I have come across online has never reaped real results like yours in dealing with my spouse who IS a narcissist. You have helped me tackle this from the root and foundation where it matters and because of it I have began to experience a true healing mentally. Thanks to you I am equipped with so much information to get myself BACK and even better. And you are so right about the other popular advice out there to embrace victimhood, which never really felt right to me.I see how I have played a part in my negative experience with the narcissist. I will continue to make use of all your advice until I get to where I need to be.

[@crystalspeirs6186]

This is absolutely amazing! I completely understand and I completely can relate! Thank you!

[@jeremysnowden2836]

I grew up with a father who had BPD and have dated many narcissists. The more I listen and learn the more I understand how much therapy I need to unravel the complexities of my relationships...and where my blame and the other persons blame should actually be.

[@peace2743]

Your videos are so thorough and in-depth. I’m in awe.

[@fashionjunkee24]

This is spot on.

[@rachelshay7637]

This helped a lot, thank you.

[@in2delite]

The painful truth has brought me to my knees.

[@Msjungpeck]

Thankyou for educating us....This is the good part of KZbin...

[@herwigcoryn6197]

I learned something very important about narcissists

[@melissachinnici]

25 mins in and wow. Just wow. This resonates so much with my recent split. This insight gives me all the more strength to let go and move on with my life. Thank you.

[@meganmegzy281]

Thank you so much for this absolutely amazing fantastic video

[@Greeny_isthegoat]

True Dr! I felt like a mother that was neglecting her child

[@hudashafiq01]

Brilliant as usual 👌🏻

[@Tluv_1955]

U explained it the best I’ve heard on KZbin Thankyou bless you

[@cheryldianne1229]

Sam is on point! Absolutely brilliant insight. Thankyou :)

[@susanhoward189]

Wow! I really have never heard anyone say what you have said. It blew me away how incite full you are. I’ve been involved with a couple of narcissistic men and now I’m questioning whether I’m BPD 🤔

[@minouj1595]

Same here. I thought I was codependent

[@OlgaKozhemiakina]

It's a poem about my last affair. Bravo, Sam Vaknin!

[@christinapaterno5585]

Sam I just love you. I watched you almost every day for years and recently took a few months off. I clicked on a video of yours for the first time in a while, and the first words… “So you thought you got rid of me?”…. No Sam, I couldn’t. I’m enamored and intrigued just like the rest of them, lol.

[@SuzanneKafantaris]

This is brilliant. totally explains my baffling parents.

[@gordanajeftic7736]

Amaizing, thank youuu. Finally the answer!

[@vidaskreb310]

Thank you Sam for another extraordinary video. The depth of knowledge and articulation of complex subjects are sublime. A masterpiece. It brings unprecedented clarity. So much oversimplistic misinformation out there that causes more harm then good. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.

[@rachelrosen5501]

"to lift his spirits, if nothing else." 🤣

[@willycat7445]

My response is EWWWW😝

[@rachelrosen5501]

@@willycat7445 Haha maybe, but you can't help but feel sorry for the animated corpse.

[@rjackson-1128]

I LOL'ed at that part, too.. 😂

[@yeahGETSUMM]

lmao!

[@manuelmanzanero5057]

Because they are two peas in a pod. Narcissists are takers and borderlines too (under an initial guise of givers that soon fades). Each one is the perfect complement to the other insofar as it helps them to feel good about themselves in the pathological way that their respective disorder determines (the one finds "narcissistic supply", and the other finds validation, strong emotions and a certain stability and recurrence in their relationships, since the narcissist does neither allow himself to be discarded nor leave when the borderline gets bored with him, unlike the neurotypical guy, so both repeat the cycle over and over again). They made the other's bed, now they can sleep in it.

[@queenology1014]

This was Spectacular

[@olivehiggo]

This really opened up my eyes. Great explanations, philosophical connections & apt, clear flow. I would love to go for any lectures you hold live. Let me know if you're in Sydney, Australia in the future.

[@FeralCatSanctuary]

This is just fascinating. You make it so real. So understandable. I have not been diagnosed as Borderline although one of my husbands thought I was. I think the last relationship I had (which was a "second-go-round") was with a Narcissist. I don't know if my rejection of him mortified him or not since I will no longer see or talk with him. I have cut him off completely from me. In the end I felt absolute disgust of him, something I have never felt before for any man. In my email cutting him off I know I tried to convey, in as few words as possible, how disgusting I found him. I did love him the first time we met and had a relationship. That ended with me throwing him out. This second time, I fell back in love, but didn't realize that what he was doing was 'love-bombing" me. How I wish I could have you diagnose the whole interaction. I watch your videos intently. I believe my mother was a Narcissist which is why I am so utterly fascinated with the whole subject. My psychiatrist wants me to write a book about my life and my family. I don't know yet if I will. I will continue to watch your videos. Thank you for making them.

[@fludderkiddie]

Perfect explanation...my first conscious thought within the first 5 minute? “Ugh..yeah...I HATE that game...”

[@mistymusic7220]

Thank you, professor, this is very helpful.

[@stellacruz2371]

I think the pain of getting a tattoo helps people feel alive. That people are covering themselves from head to toe says a lot about what's going on in our world.

[@keyountisejones4071]

@@gigi9301 just admit you're ageist. Why would a person not get tatted because they won't be seen as attractive at 70 or 80 when they won't be considered attractive in society regardless by then ?? If you're 70, 80 years old, the least of your worries is a darn tattoo & if a kid thinks you're attractive or not. Why on earth should you be rating the attractiveness of a senior citizen, & why should they care? That's not a good reason to not do something that makes you happy as a young person when you should be doing what makes your heart happy & enjoying your youth. When you're aging & approaching the end of life, you'll have way more serious issues than that & shouldn't be focused on that kind of vanity anymore. If a kid looks at you like you have zero attractiveness because you've got a tattoo & you're older then too bad, they'll just have to deal with it. You're a RN, so do your job which is focusing on the health of the patients & stop acting like you're working for a modeling agency.

[@kimlarso6622]

@@spiritual2020 Liver damage?

[@keyountisejones4071]

@@spiritual2020 Where did I mention tattoos not being a health risk? If they are that would be a reason not to get them but that's not what the op was concerned about. She was concerned with how unattractive she thought tattoos were on people who have advanced in age. My point was why would anybody gives a damn what she thinks about their looks when they're 70 or 80 years old? If she's a RN she needs to grow up, do her job & stop staring at her elderly patients long enough to be concerned with their appearance because that's creepy.

[@nikkishaye9385]

@@keyountisejones4071 💯!

[@nikkishaye9385]

@@spiritual2020 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@dutchblackgirl6247]

Dear Sam Vaknin, i stil love your video's well done have a good day!!

[@lawkig]

amazing, I'm so glad I found your channel

[@azraelmariani1110]

This is such a great video, thank you for this!

[@ambergulley403]

This was extremely heavy to listen to. But insightful. Thanks for the upload.

[@ferahyildiz2992]

I can understand more now why my relationship last six years with a covert narcissist. I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and it makes sense now. Thank you

[@katjahleb2163]

To the T. You are a genius.

[@guiltyblade]

Thank you sam

[@shaggyalonso]

Sam, I've been paying close attention to the uploads about Narcissistic mortification, and there's a few things I hope you can explain in future videos, which I'll get to once I've explained the background of my interest in this subject. I listen to your lectures, imagining them in the context of myself (representing the N character) and my ex (represtenting the BPD character). I know I am not a real narcissist, but I also know that I picked up narcisstic adaptations and preoccupations (covert) a few years ago when I went through a period of self reinvention (ended a long term relationship, had a physique transformation, new wardrobe, new job, new social circle, all occurring within about 6-12 months of leaving that relationship), and knowing that these narcissistic habits/preferences definitely have been covering for a deficient true self (I was at a low point, I felt insufficient and therefore had to transform into someone who would enable me to 'get ahead' in life finally). The short, tumultuous relationship with the BPD ex was the zenith of this new self 'project', I'd never felt so content in myself (while the idealisation lasted) but then her brutally discarding me (in public, completely blindsided and humiliated, her callously and sadistically openly devaluing me, after being the love of her life but a weekend before), has left me with what was formally diagnosed as PTSD, though I now believe Narcissistic Mortification to be the more precise description of what's really going on. This was over a year ago, it was her birthday today, but she remains on my block list (I vowed to walk away) and I really don't feel much closer to being over it. Extreme depression, loss of interest and motivation, substance abuse, social withdrawal, weight gain. On some level I've known that no amount of 'top down' self care will fix what this event has done to me, and that's why I've been uninterested in any post-breakup 'self improvement', as that's generally 'false-self improvement' and misses the target area to treat. However, the bottom up approach to healing is so emotionally draining and mentally exhausting to understand, that I've been stuck in a purgatory, where I'm just existing, with no goals other than to 'heal' from this experience, yet paradoxically unable to tolerate the excruciatingly painful emotions that this bottom-up work triggers, often only feeling worse about myself after trying to confront these deep fears and then reflexively dissociating when the pain is just too much, and then I'm back to square one. This inability to resolve this crisis within me often leaves me feeling hopeless and it's hard to prevent suicidal thoughts from entering my head, such is my feeling of futility in trying to solve the issue. Your videos on mortification finally, truly explain what I'm going through. What you said about the only resolution to the wound being the return of the hurtful partner, as they've become a self object - that is EXACTLY how I feel, like her returning and apologising for what she did would instantly rid me of this feeling. Despite over a year's worth of soul searching, I still feel no less in desperate need of reconciliation with her, no matter how much I cognitively know this is a pure fantasy, the heart still yearns for it every bit as hard. As we're all on the narcissism continuum however, and the paralells between myself and the Narcissist depicted in these videos only go so far, I would like to ask you Sam how much of this is applicable to someone like me - someone whose true self and false self are in a tug of war, but who isn't a bonafide narcissist. Someone who has taken on some narcissistic traits later in life but which weren't present before, someone who had a loving and supportive upbringing from a stable and nurturing home, yet who is stuck in a grandiosity gap of his own creation and who for a long time has lived with a latent feeling of discontentment about themselves under the surface. How does the average person 'heal' from this experience - the scars of that breakup, the feeling of powerlessness, betrayal, jealousy humiliation and shame that she left me with has completely warped my self perception, and I no longer have a cohesive idea of who I really am (other than that I have been defeated) or which way to turn. To conclude, I hope you'll go further into this subject in how it relates to most people, and how to move past it. Where my paralells with the Narc being described really diverged was on the subject of seeking out mortification - I've been doing everything I can to avoid it, my entire life, and my ex presented not as labile but as a sweet, sensitive and empathetic girl. It was only when I saw her promiscuous side and ability to be so hurtful, that everything felt wrong, and had I known this side of her to begin with I would never have got involved with her. And since then I've felt dead on the inside, not alive.

[@samvaknin]

Everyone can and do experience narcissistic mortification, it is not limited to narcissists. But only narcissists experience it as estrangement from the False Self and react dramatically, with complete disintegration. So, we normally reserve the term for narcissists. What you went through is the common experience of "partners" (victims) of Borderlines (=dissociative secondary psychopaths) the world over. You are traumatized and scarred for life, I regret to say. But it is the kind of trauma that leads to a sudden spurt of transformative personal growth.

[@kelenl5033]

You sharing a real experience helps us. I am trying to figure out if it was just an audition to his funny house of pain.

[@shaggyalonso]

@@samvaknin "You are traumatized and scarred for life, I regret to say. But it is the kind of trauma that leads to a sudden spurt of transformative personal growth." The day after after her psychopathic discard of me was when I first discovered BPD, and in the months following I became obsessed with understanding the disorder, spending everyday on bpdfamily.org. I gradually got to the point of having a robust cognitive understanding of what had happened, which was when I finally understood that I needed to 'focus on myself to heal', which up until then had felt utterly irrelevant, after all, she was the one who behaved so monstrously etc etc. One refrain I'd come across many times from 'survivors' of BPD partners was the idea that this truaumatic experience was a 'gift', in that it teaches you about yourself and forces you to examine your own unhealthy ways of functioning. The 'spurt of transformative personal growth' you refer to is the same idea. The crux that I'm getting to is that I noticed something with the 'gift' group - many seemed to have made peace on some small level with the hurtful other in question. I don't mean peace with themselves, but actual verbal contact on some level with the ex partner. One of the most ardent proponents of the 'BPD gift' line of thinking explained how she (yes, she - she was NPD, her male ex BPD) 'parted ways with kindness' or 'let go with love' and initiated a short email correspondence with her ex, where they expressed mutual good will, despite a long, traumatic and devastating relationship, where the BPD ex got engaged to someone else within 8 weeks of the final split. Another senior member eventually became distant friends with his ex, who left him for another man and smeared it immediately all over her social media, after a 2 year relationship which she abruptly detonated. He also seemed to have come to a point of acceptance and perspective over the event. Another spoke of his reasoning behind eventually unblocking the ex, arguing the block itself binded him to her still. He moved on to be haippily married, she moved on to other relationships, but he seemed genuinely over it. In my case however, the relationship ending was so abrupt, so insulting, so outrageously offensive that there was no reconcilation of any kind made with the other. In fact, following the event itself, after walking out of the restaurant, without sending a single message, I blocked her 24 hours later (on every channel I could), in an act of self surgical amputation for which I'm still bleeding. Almost exactly a month later, she messaged my FB business page asking for her ticket back for a gig we'd planned on going to, despite owing me more money than its worth, and despite the tickets being for seats next to each other. After another volley of hurtful, devaluing, abusive comments from her where she showed absolutely zero contrition for her actions previously and invented a separate reality where she owed me nothing at all, I sent her money to the value that the ticket was worth and blocked her on that channel too. I never once abused her or called her names, I never once swore at her. I even wished her a safe trip to Italy and a happy birthday as they were both coming up. Before the breakup I'd bought her a small birthday present, but I refrained from guilt tripping her about it, so she'll never know. Part of the trouble in moving on from this is the traumatic impression I was left with that has stuck with me and that has soured every moment she enters my consciousness. The immediate feeling walking out of the restaurant that I was foolish, stupid even for thinking the relationship wasn't about to end, naive in not figuring it out that this night out was just to dump me (despite the reality that it wasn't orchestrated, it was done impulsively while she was half drunk) and that I had just been thrown away by a monstrous psychopath, completely alien in thoughts and emotions from me. It was such a weird and lonely shame, that I'd walked into this situation and that I should've known better, that I must've deserved this treatment for my naivety. I can't help but feel that the 'gift' theorists are only able to speak so philosophically on this because their most recent contact with the hurtful other doesn't conjure images of their ex as a demonic creature inflicting the single worst experience of their lives upon them. In conclusion, it's my observation that those who call such an encounter a ‘gift’ usually have had a reconciliation with the other to some small degree. Is this necessary to let go, is it possible to 'positively transform' to a degree that outweighs the traumatic scarring as long as the last interactions so negatively taint your mood and thoughts surrounding the individual who gave you these lessons? I cannot foresee a time in the future when I won't be massively triggered by the subject of her (came across an old photo of her tonight that I didn't realise I had, and my heart pounded just the same as it did a year ago). So how will I ever unblock her? Do I just have to keep her blocked at all costs for the rest of my life (a sort of damage limitation where I tolerate my own repression of the subject) or can a gesture of reconcilliation between us, no matter how small, soothe the wounds enough to allow access to these lessons that undoubtedly lie underneath the traumatic memories?

[@davejardine562]

Is it wise to attempt to soothe pain, or to learn to accept it? As Sam said so eloquently, we are traumatized for life, and to live is to feel pain. I also suggest to seek gratitude for the experience. Look how much you've learned, it's incredible! Keep learning, keep going. Freedom is found through integration, not denial, nor even so much through thinking. The path back to feeling the joy of being alive is through feeling this pain and developing the heart to accommodate it.

[@jessamynfase5051]

@@davejardine562 The Buddhist practice of accepting pain and somehow transcending, metamorphosing it into a higher exalted state of being is intriguing and tempting. In my mind there is no doubt that every human born with the knowledge they will die feels enormous pain, regardless of how socially well adjusted (or not) they perceive themselves to be. Yet a part of me feels that this belief system is tainted by a sort of masochistic/sadistic framework and helps in maintaining the status quo as it relates to relationships in either societal relationships or the inner relationship (dialogue) we maintain within our mind. The word paradox comes to mind and I find it anxiety producing.

[@NkNk-vg8fc]

Always on time 💕💕👍

[@DZ-no9vt]

You are brilliant on this topic

[@chaos-ku4vw]

The Narcissist is preoccupied with being.The borderlines preoccupation is ' to not be' Excellent work. Thanks Sam x

[@renatabolton2660]

@ 35:19 this has something to do with the phenomenon of "Limerence" as described by Dr. Tennov. I know one narc-borderline duo, and the narc in this couple is now fixated on another woman who he can't have (because she is married to his friend). This new woman is presenting a huge challenge to the narc in turn, making him feel "alive". Narcs can experience love as limerence.

[@samvaknin]

samvak.tripod.com/lovepathology.html I mention limerence in several of my videos.

[@agnese2215]

Fatal attraction ....as a borderline i can say Superb video Sam!

[@agnese2215]

@@freedomfighter9976 i am still with him is the only person that make feel up..but i know deep inside that is a toxic relation 😔

[@vibe_oli]

This explains my relationship to my husband to a tee. I recently went through my "I'm gonna get rid of you before you get rid of me " phase and cheated with someone we know. I completely humiliated him. He is a serial cheated and I was splitting him for tge last 2 years as completely bad. The way you are describing why he picked me, why he doesn't just leave, and exactly how he is acting after what I did is so exact its mind blowing. I wish I could get him to watch this video and a lot of your videos. He knows I have BPD and I have told him in order for you to still be here after all we have done to eachother in our 13 years of marriage. He has to have a mental or personality disorder as well. No truly healthy person stays.

[@TareMatau]

Wow... most enlightening insights. Everything falls into places...

[@delilahsimpson-pq9js]

Wow this is absolutely incredible, I'm a borderline and both my sons father's are narcissists, as are all my ex partners in my whole life and this completely explains why things have been this way my whole life 😭😭😭 I thank U so much for opening my eyes and sharing Ur intelligence. At least I can accept and try to heal myself.

[@missbcritiques9209]

Exact same situation as you 😢😮

[@penelopepitstop1707]

I discovered your book then your videos. They saved my life.

[@samvaknin]

Thank you for your kind words. Would appreciate a review on the book's Amazon page www.amazon.com/Malignant-Self-Love-Narcissism-Sam-Vaknin/dp/8023833847/

[@penelopepitstop1707]

Sam Vaknin Thank you Sam. I will! Your work is brilliant.

[@SaintEuphemia817]

Thank you looking forward to your videos

[@eleodel1]

This is useful, as my father had NPD and my mother BPD, and I never, ever got it. She does hate him. He married 2 more BPD women after my mother...

[@sandratibe3868]

such a brilliant insight! thnx

[@lisaanderson1146]

Excellent video

[@shaniyafernando2829]

Thank you for this

[@looslaura1]

Mothers day especially tough for the narcissist I'm sure

[@samvaknin]

If he remembers it at all.

[@looslaura1]

@@samvaknin good point, I forgot the heavy drinking part for just a moment 🥂

[@radutomas1957]

@@samvaknin spot on

[@citla_ao]

This information is so heartbreaking and true.

[@ericnekli7631]

These videos are an invaluable learning resource and make me glad to not have a personality disorder. I do have some maladaptive traits, but who does not? I am grateful for the capacity of sufficient self-awareness and perception to navigate my relationships. Displaying mutual kindness and appreciation, trust and a common desire for harmony are necessary conditions. I have been incredibly picky in my choice of romantic partner.

[@Laura-yx8tc]

BRAVO !