3 Tips For Communicating With An Avoidant Partner

[@CASchack]

The trouble with a DA partner is his/her inability to overcome fears of intimacy and vulnerability. You are left to do the heavy emotional lifting as you wait and hope for crumbs of affection. There is a real lack of reciprocity from the DA, making their partner more insecure. Normally secure people will not flourish in a relationship with a partner who is unable to give back. While one can respect the DA’s need for space and independence, nobody should be forced to settle for scraps from a person whose baggage prevents him from showing up in a relationship.

[@jennas.9063]

I second this 😩.

[@lisbeth4you]

Absolutely, am with you. 👍🌼

[@SK-no2pp]

I totally agree!!

[@sarahbright5231]

I completely agree. My relationship was short but I cannot be with someone who makes absolutely no effort. Walks ahead of me, sits in the back of my car instead of in my passenger seat. Never wants to be intimate and always in a different room when I was at his home. Jeez my self esteem was hitting the floor. Why did he want me around but no want to be near me? When I questioned this I was ghosted. Nice

[@lisbeth4you]

Sarah Bright That was really extreme. Seating in the back of your car, like you were his mother taking him for a drive! Sorry you had to go through this. It’s tough when they just walk away without a word. My ex did the same too. I know it hurts so much, but I came to realize that it was for my best, although, of course, he didn’t do it with that purpose. Better find out sooner rather than later and not waste more time and invest in impossible relationships. Wish you will find a proper partner that can bring calmness and peace. This is not a way to live. Take care.

[@michelegerson7735]

I started recently a relationship with an 'avoidant'. Now I understand how difficult it is and how painful and hurtful it is when he does not respond to my loving text messages, or responds with a criticism 2 or more days later. I have decided to ignore, but if this happens again, I am quitting as I'd rather hurt for a couple of months rather than striving a lifetime to be shown some love. Crumbs are not enough for me.

[@beatrixbrennan1545]

Don't ever ignore any time he ignores or belittles you. You'll make it a pattern and months of the same will go by and you'll find yourself depleted and a shell of your former self. They won't change, save yourself and get out now!! I just wasted 11 months and finally left after he showed up to spend Christmas with my kids and I, empty handed despite him saying he was working all these side jobs to afford presents for us. Screw that! I was done!

[@mrhaunted4831]

Same 😢

[@smonaful]

Oh myyy gaaaawd! Does the avoidant ever have to step up! Feels like studying a college course😒

[@mojo17669]

Haha, yes I feel that way too. I've recognised myself as an 'open heart' and watched a lot of Briana's videos but wonder exactly why I'm spending so much time doing so when I'm 99.9% sure my partner is unwilling to sort himself out.

[@jlgotera1]

omgah smonaful!! hahhah that is the best analogy ever.. but if you do not see a flicker of compromise or willing to compromise, peace out. its not fair to you guys. He can manage to show something.. leave that dude be, as I did with mine and will continue to do, until he we are both compromising.

[@jlgotera1]

i send a link to informative videos and articles to my avoidant, he responded to one, glad you are reading about it and can learn from it.. i was like thanks. same for you. well he goes to therapy twice a week..

[@jlgotera1]

what i said to my avoidant after i read my attachment style results, we may be alike. hahahah. " “ask your therapist, she will explain it.. But it just means to me, that i am confident in myself being with or without the relying on someone, but i am open and enjoy myself with partners that are independent and open to love, alike. I know what I want out of people and myself. Plus I am an ox, which are excellent parents. I thrive on personal space and focused intently on my personal gains, more than focusing on a relationship. But i am open to walking that journey with someone, with the same outlook on relationships.” what i sent 😊 he says "I"m also dismissive avoidant." :)

[@jlgotera1]

My avoidant does not show stepping up to anything, even though talking about going into a different path of working things out. If your gut is telling you he is taking advantage or making it harder than it seems, just to be on the same page.. Move on. NO studying needed! that is what i told my avoidant, communication and compromise are important to me, so if you can't value my willingness to try to work together with you, then my presence is meaningless. nice way to part, i made it :) after seeing him at the grocery store, after being ignored he is like "hey how's it going?" i was disgusted with his non-chaulant attitude, I was confident to say, "get real bro!", he did not say a word and walked away. So do not ignore the signs, actions always speak louder than words. plus he is balding, so instantly turned off ;) hahaha

[@lisabeaumont]

Briana is really great, hence why I still follow her, even while I’m not in a relationship. But I want to say: pay attention to how much work YOU (reader) have to put in to communication, while the avoidant person does a big, fat NOTHING. All this having to carefully script literally everything you say, lest they go running out the door (again!), tiptoeing on eggshells, watching endless instruction videos trying to learn some agonizing procedure, twisting yourself inside out, for someone who just is not prepared to put in any work whatsoever. Avoidants get you hooked at the start (before commitment) by their expressed willingness to enter a relationship. Then they feel trapped and do everything in their power to make you break up with them. As soon as you do, they come begging you not to leave. They can turn a secure person into a mess. They’re exhausting and not worth the rollercoaster of pain. Shut the door, block them on everything, avoid places you know they’ll be, get busy with your own life, and move on. They need therapy and you’re NOT their therapist.

[@Micro_Learning]

I agree. I'm securely attached and was seeing an avoidant person. Annoying as hell. I can't say he hasn't frustrated me; at the same time, I laugh at the whole thing & him. People should definitely communicate as respectfully as possible. At the same time, oversensitivity and needing to walk/talk on eggshells around an adult human being...is for the birds. I think I can even accept hypersensitivity, but it needs to be discussed, not just a person shutting down or playing cat & mouse as a response. Weird. This is the first avoidant I've been with. Past partners have been secure or in the realm of it. Still had issues, but at least they made sense--actual disagreements that got dealt with in the moment or shortly after--and weren't TOTAL EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY/passive-aggressive withdrawal in response to normal adult communication.

[@Stija]

I fell in love because we both had a wound from the past. I was really secure and the moments we had together are sooo imprinted on me that i don't know if i'll be able to love someone that way. The things I did for a moment of her time and now thinking what did I do wrong. I think that I'll never forget those moments, those emotions. Really sucks because deep inside i believe that she is the one.

[@Xbox12469]

Completely agree. 3.5 years and still watching these same videos after every few days. Your avoidant partner is a patient, mentally ill. The moment you relax in relationship and forget that, that is time they fall down. Basically you wrote story of my life and every partner of fearful avoidant person’s life.

[@chrisanthemum7]

Ok I must be avoidant because this comment is a complete and total horror movie

[@jaymarx8927]

I'm pretty sure Brianna would say you should leave the relationship is the DA was doing a big fat nothing. The premise is that the DA is actually working on themselves. Still, if the DA's partner has their own wounds to heal, it seems like it's just too much work to heal themselves and focus on helping the DA by having to walk on eggshells with every interaction. It also doesn't sound like the DA would help their partner heal their wounds but would just be focused on themselves as a best-case scenario.

[@florenciagonzalez2288]

I get the feeling many people miss the point of this video. You are not only learning tips to talk to an avoidant person. You are also practicing how to ask for what you need, and respecting your boundaries, in a healthy, non controlling, non anxious way. These are strategies for us to step up onto a more secure attachment style 💙

[@clairbear1234]

Completely agree, I think practicing it very consciously will eventually make it more natural and less labored

[@lyndamitton4496]

@@clairbear1234 do

[@mermaidmomma3696]

💯🔥👍🔥👍👍👍👍 bechin'!! 😝😝😝😝

[@Sarafara7]

Yes!! The more I watch these videos the more I realize I personally dont’e know how to communicate

[@lilelly16]

Yes exactly! And this is what makes this video, and Brianna, so amazing.

[@kladimsedanisteznali7164]

The worst thing is after the 'anxious' guy ends the relationship, you feel guilty because avoidant people are mostly good people, but with them you are always insecure and you don't know if they really love you. For me, the thing was that I didn't want to bother her to show emotions, but that doesn't change the matter. They are like that, and it is very difficult to change. Just as anxious people cannot be changed. I've noticed some main characteristics of the avoiding type that are little talked about: 1. They don't like talking on the phone 2. They avoid conflict. It is strange that after some problem they act as if everything is ok. They mostly use humor as a defense mechanism. 3. You often have doubts that it is your fault and that you are asking too much from your partner 4. They behave 'strangely'. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been with that type of person. You feel as if they are robots, I can't say 'as if they don't love you', but somehow you have a strange feeling with them. 5. During more intimate relationships, you can feel that they are scared, so you wonder if it's your fault because they don't feel attracted to you. The intimate relationship seems somehow 'robotic' on their part. You get the feeling that they do it because they have to. After that, you feel desperate because you think they don't feel the chemistry with you. Anxious type generally ignores these traits and 'looks' for good things in avoidant types. And really, avoidant types are not bad people, and that's exactly why I felt bad, and I still feel bad to this day, because I ended such a relationship. I know she loves me, and I know I can't be with her. Something the hardest.

[@tnilemusic]

Sounds like autism.

[@Stija]

Trying to figure her out myself, it's been a hard road brate.

[@kladimsedanisteznali7164]

@@Stija znaci dozivio si isto kao i ja

[@Stija]

@@kladimsedanisteznali7164 For some reason my reply got deleted. If you have another way for me to contact you i would be more than happy to reply to your question

[@pixxie__]

I find that when I'm really emotionally honest, like that deep structured communication, my partner sees that as me being manipulative. Which is so fustrating because I'm trying to be far from manipulative by being honest and open with him.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Alex Manning Yes. People who don’t know how to communicate or understand emotional honesty usually think emotional honesty is either you being angry, or manipulative. There’s nothing that you can do if they’re not working on their own wounds. Emotional honesty is simply the first step to creating the possibility for connection, it is more of a fact-finding mission, rather than an “answer” to solving the communication problems. But once you know all the facts, you have all the information you need to make your next step.

[@pixxie__]

@@brianamacwilliam.attachment thank you for your reply :)

[@SK-no2pp]

Connection doesn’t mean compatibility, find someone who sees you for who you are, and reciprocates.

[@romanyfirst95]

#is age difference a huge factor in the avoidance break up. The woman being older etc

[@pixxie__]

@@JeffryMichaels I don't understand your comment

[@alibertylover]

A really good insight here. I spent a good many years in a relationship with an avoidant person. Since I parted company, I've not desired another intimate relationship since, however, my dog provides me with all the love I need. A relationship with an avoidant person requires too much tactical strategy, & eventually will wear you out & leave you depleted & apathetic.My dog, however, returns my love ten fold.

[@junelee5975]

Sonny Dey i felt the same way. Had i given that time and effort i spent on avodant on to the street cats I wouldnt be this upset. What a waste of my time

[@SK-no2pp]

Find someone secure! You are worthy of connection, love, and companionship

[@alibertylover]

@@SK-no2pp / Nah, I'm at a point in life where I just want to be alone. I don't care about connection any more. My dog is my best friend....

[@louiseboyd8896]

I miss my beautiful cat....my best friend.....as well as all my neighborhood cats......lost my home.....efficiency apt. too small......live alone......wish I had my cat back.....I am going crazy without companionship......

[@animalcarecoursehannahflew9575]

Absolutely draining

[@josevelez7539]

I tried my best for seven long years and decided to throw in the towel. It was so overwhelming and tiring to get any affection or intimacy from my partner. She would swear she loved me, asked me to stick around but yet it was like trying to open a bank’s vault without a combination or any tools. It just failed. Very disappointing and upsetting because I loved her very much.

[@beautyofthailand7393]

What was the final straw?

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

Aw that's tough, I'm sorry. I've been reviewing my past relationship "failures" and I think I'm just now realizing something. I've learned so much from all of them, and I'm a completely different person today because of all the work I've done on my attachment style, so what if these "failures" are just a way to level up?? And maybe be more prepared for something even better once it comes along??? Sucks that it has to be so painful though :(

[@PropheSAY]

I felt this in my soul... every word of it.

[@Viktuz.Thaddeus]

I'm still trying right now, I'm willing to sacrifice some of my happiness so they can have a little bit of happiness from me being around

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

@@Viktuz.Thaddeus Wishing you all the best, Eric!!

[@Abluemorphobutterfly]

1. Do your own personal inventory first. (( ask self:)) i. What are you imagening you are going to say to them? (specific statement that comes to mind) ii. what do I hope this statement will accomplish/inspire in them? (am I trying to maneuver them in some way?) iii. What is my intent? iv. What emotional need do I think, that that desired action I'm trying to inspire, will fulfill? What would that gratify for me? -does that gratification stem from a deeper place within me that I'd benefit from looking at for myself first? - 2. 3.

[@k80.82]

A familiar song and dance for me!! What frustrates me is I learn about avoidants to figure out what he needs and how he works, so I don't end up taking it personally. I respect the need of space, and expect that he will return to finish a conversation, but I usually end up more frustrated, because in turn he doesnt care to learn about ME and what I need, nor does he ever initiate finishing a conversation. This leaves me feeling unimportant, and our relationship not worth fixing. Arguements end up being forgotten (as he prefers) instead of being talked through, and it turns into a cycle of the same shit on a different topic (which is usually about something stupid) If you date an avoidant, they need to put in the work too!!!, and realize what their partner needs as well. In my personal experience during arguements, I often feel like I'm dealing with a narcisisstic and selfish person. Avoidant people aren't typcially welcoming to therapy either, as they hate talking about their feelings.

[@bunnycassell]

Let’s just stop being with avoidant partners! (Probably a naive thing to say), but it’s my mission to get healthy enough to where I can give to and receive love from an equally open and committed partner.

[@walkertranger5746]

Truth

[@undrtw66]

It's very hard when all you want is to be seen, and your partner seems to be built to not see you!

[@beebolton]

This. This is exactly how I feel.

[@murakas2]

Not being seen is a typical anxious wound (I often feel that way too) - change your perspective and that will change you, helping you to become securely attached.

[@MarionFiedlerMusic]

Changing yourself is easy I find … if you do it for a good reason eg to give it your best on your end. But changing them of course is impossible

[@dorkwell]

A lot of people here are complaining about needing to put in all the work while the avoidant has no obligation or responsibility. That isn't necessarily a trait of avoidants, that is a trait of the individual. If your partner will not meet your efforts half way, let them leave.

[@lamamma1307]

In a matter of minutes You put into words what I’ve struggled a lifetime to learn and understand. So simple, but not easy. Your work is so important. Thank you for sharing it with the world.

[@DJFrenchie-GalLovette]

I woke up to a text that said. It’s over. Leave me alone. My criticism pushed him away. Halfway through the video, I paused and used the wording you provided. Bam! Immediate results. He replied he was sorry he fell asleep and didn’t make it over. He was working doubles. I didn’t understand how my language was making things worse for us both. I felt angry and justified and thought if he KNEW my feelings (how bad I felt) that he would be inspired to change. Rephrasing worked like a Charm. More people need this in their toolbox. Thank you. Now I will continue finish the video.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

DJ Frenchie Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful! 🙌❤️🙏

[@zaintheexplainer4847]

Great tips for talking to an avoidant. Ultimately however avoidants only come to a realisation that they need to heal and change only when they have been left to themselves and not managed. They are not the kind of partner you want in the long term if they aren’t self realised and in the process or have done the work with healing the parts of themselves that make them avoidant on the first place.

[@LCSquires6]

After a while, it isn't worth my energy. I've invested much of my life into healing my attachment wounds. I see that what I need is someone who has invested time into healing their wounds as well. I love the person from a far, as a friend only, while recognizing that I need a securely attached partner.

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

"How to Communicate with an Avoidant Partner:" 1) LEAVE. I'm done with this shit. Never again. I deserve far better.

[@paulwilliams5013]

I agree. I think avoidant people should try harder to 'avoid' more effectively! (and stop wasting peoples' time!)

[@themysticmuse1111]

This IS exhausting. Better they do the inner work. This is crazy making stuff right here..... Thank you for your vids.

[@Zamstein]

The part of me that’s secure looks at it as a positive exercise in learning how to be more empathetic. Yet even the secure parts of me will not stand for being taken for granted up to a certain point.

[@clairbear1234]

@@Zamstein and you shouldn’t have to put up with it! I do like these tools, I do think they are useful, but if we are having to use this to get the basic respect and consideration from someone, not worth it

[@tonytonyk]

I think the same…. Better heal themselves

[@themysticmuse1111]

@Aisha B nothing funny about healing, shadow work, and self love. ❤

[@raularmas317]

You are one of the most lucid speaker/presenters on the topic of attachment styles I have ever listened to and I very much appreciate your perspective on the ways to go about resolving the attendant hurdles that must be overcome with each in order to have the most trouble-free relationship possible. Thank you so much Briana

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Raul Armas Thank you! Much appreciated.

[@una2702]

Thank you Brianna. This is something that has been very difficult with my avoidant partner. It seems that I can't bring up the idea of working through things together without triggering him. He hates and is terrified by the idea that something might be "wrong" with our relationship. I've made a lot of mistakes by not understanding his attachment style, and this is very helpful. As I learn more, I am better able to love him unconditionally without being as fixated on outcome. I long for both of us to grow out of our wounds and live happier and fuller lives. Who wouldn't choose this? I know I am on my journey, thanks to guides like you and others, and I am hoping he will choose to join me.

[@RolimPaula]

I am feeling what you just described. Fast forward now I am curious: are you two still together? My partner and I are on a break and I am trying to figure things out

[@una2702]

@@RolimPaula We are no longer together for four months now after five years together. Things got worse in the last year and I wondered if he were trying to get me to break up. I didn't do that, but he took something I said to be to that effect and I didn't correct him. Several people told me that his treatment of me was emotionally abusive. I still care very much for him, and think and worry about him...but I know it was the right outcome because we were not in harmony. Now I feel at peace and like myself again. Whatever your situation may be, I wish you well. I received counseling which was helpful, and read many books, but in the end I had always had what I needed, and that is trust in God. How God asks us to treat others is how another should treat us. If they don't, it usually means that they can't because they haven't reached that point in their journey, and if they're not willing, it wouldn't be good for us. I hope you will find what helps you. Sending love to you.

[@RolimPaula]

@@una2702 I'm glad to know you're in peace. I am searching for a secure space now where I can hold on to my boundaries and let go what needs to go.

[@hardrocklobsterroll395]

I appreciate the way you convey these concepts. I struggle a lot as a neurodivergent individual with fearful attachment and it really helps me to identify the ways in which I act so poorly but also provides working examples for how to correct it. Managing emotional and intimate situations with my partner is incredibly difficult for me and I am binging your videos to try and improve my emotional intelligence and be more cognizant of the ways in which my maladaptive behaviors effect my partner. You are deeply emotionally intelligent, kind, and compassionate to where people are, and I appreciate so much that you produce this content.

[@PennyJackson123]

I have Asperger’s and I have fearful attachment. My partner is dismissive avoidant.

[@themysticmuse1111]

👏👏👏

[@Jenn-1222]

@ hard rock - how are you doing with your attempts at this?

[@kateaghaghiri2968]

My partner also recognizes this in himself and wants to not be like this. He believes he can’t change and it’s from childhood but he tries. I feel sad for him that he goes through so much fear and pain. Life can be so much easier that he makes it out to be.

[@mojo17669]

I've spent hours watching Briana's videos now and am really grateful that I found them. But it does seem that us 'open hearts' have to do all the work! I'm 99.9% sure my partner isn't wondering how he can help me. My huge ego wants to help all people and be their 'saviour'. I truly believe people can change but I think they need to realise that in themselves. I am tempted to share one of Briana's videos with him but unsure if that's the right thing to do?

[@animalcarecoursehannahflew9575]

Hey I know what you mean. I think avoidant partners let their fear take over making them selfish and focus on themselves not what or how this can affect you/others

[@sarahdoe8512]

I struggled with how to tell my ex DA about attachment styles for months. I saw him last week and just said F-it, I am going to give him the info. Told him I was learning about attachment styles and it was life changing info that everyone should know about and it affects all of our relationships including friends and work. As he was leaving I gave him the book 'Attached' by Heller and Levine. He said he wasn't sure if he would have time to read it. (He reads for hours at a time everyday, it is part of how he deactivates and self soothes) I told him that if he didn't want to read it that is up to him. I told him I read it in just two days. Out the door he went. Haven't heard anything. If he reads it he will probably think it is an insult or criticism of him. The book describes our relationship right down to the smallest details. I have no interest in being with someone that is not willing to work on their crap. I am working on healing my anxious attachment style. I have no control over what the ex DA does or does not do. If you are going to try and be in a relationship with a DA, you should at least be able to give them the info on their attachment style. If they are receptive that may be a good first step. If not, why are you going to waste your time if they are not even willing to look at their part and role in the relationship dynamic.

[@raularmas317]

For someone to help me help them they have to be willing to trust me first and for me as a former avoidant I had to become familiar with them over time and in how they treated other people, and then I had to be willing to be vulnerable in her presence. It took quite awhile, but if I was to continue growing as a person there really was no other choice.

[@mojo17669]

Update! Well I waited and waited some more for him to step up. Last communication we had was March and I asked if he'd finally moved out of the marital home being sold. He replied saying he'd just had his covid jab and felt bit whoozy. Basically the avoidant used yet another excuse to avoid answering my question! So fair to say it's over. I think of him from time to time but whether his fear or my self worth it's time to draw a line. Good luck to all of you good people that try hard for others.

[@lielliel6602]

@@raularmas317 Thank you for this insight. I was really struggling trying to understand my bf and how he saw me. I hope I can make my relationship work with him because as an anxious attachment trying to empathize with him is like a foreign language. Our worlds are very different but now I know that I have to keep my cool and it will take time.

[@amyholcomb6484]

I’m not absolutely certain where I fall in attachment style, but recently my romantic interest discussed a misunderstanding with the approach recommended in this video. I have never felt such understanding from a partner before. It was a very powerful awakening to a heartfelt connection that has me fully engaged. Note of warning/confirmation: I have been on the receiving end of ultimatums and there is no faster way to shut a door. Thank YOU, Briana 🙏🏼

[@sidehustler22]

I may have done this already,he did respond "I cannot talk about this right now" . Thank you so much,I am now enlightened. I would wish for a positive outcome but I think I'm ready for whatever it is.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

I’m glad it was helpful. Thank you for commenting with your experience.

[@andy.dogmaeye]

You are literally one of the best channels so far I go to the most when I am at lost in relationships and worried about my avoidant attachment girlfriend. It's painful, and I see alot of other comments saying dating someone with this style is draining and in the long run a waste of time. While I am completely in love with her, I don't think she deserves being thrown off to the side because of this style. I think it's up to me individually to support myself (self sovern) and keep love unconditional with healthy boundaries. Thank you for giving free important information!

[@artsylady3187]

i agree.....even avoidant people need love too.....each case is different...I am choosing to stay by my avoidant man and love him the best I can and as much as he will let me...that is MY choice

[@starshake8998]

What if too many decades of dating dismissive avoidants has taught me to behave the same way? Underneath it all, I feel like I'm still fairly secure in my own attachment, but I've learned to mirror their aloofness in order to keep the power dynamic balanced and not overwhelm them. The only problem is, if everyone's avoidant, there's not much to hold the relationship together.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@nicoleharris1130]

Seriously

[@happythoughts505]

It shouldnt be so hard to have to think, congour up what will sound right, or wrong/look, will it push or pull him, talk about creating more anxiety....ive been through this several times, when hes not thinking "at all" about it or us!!...... NOT FAIR OR RIGHT!! Is great knowledge/information & spot on though.....Thankyou!! 🙏❤

[@lisbeth4you]

I do appreciate the advices, good communication is good in any relationship. It's also helpful with an Avoidant and anxious partner, for sure. Nevertheless, from my experience, the deactivating strategies will show up anyway, as either with good or bad communication, the Avoidant partner will feel overwhelmed by the closeness of a relationship itself as they 'll feel out if his comfort zone, no matter what. Not because they want, or not, but because that's what they have to do. It may come sooner or later, but it will come. Also is very tiring to keep guessing what is it that they need and by when. It also depends on their mood, which by the way, changes a lot.

[@louiseboyd8896]

Moody......omg......he's like a woman on menopause....or an old nagging man/woman/bully....I never knew anyone so extremely moody......he can change his mood/mind mid-sentence.......I get bewildered.......baffled......then he will turn around and switch everything around that he said......amazing......they are actors.......he can really put on the charm too.......I am thinking of purchasing a statuette and giving it to him as an academy award mock up....

[@mshannahlane]

@@louiseboyd8896 omg! Yes. 😆

[@patricial8753]

I’m so new at learning about his avoidant personality and here I thought it was all because he was a cancer ♋️😵‍💫

[@lisbeth4you]

@@patricial8753 And I thought it was because he was Aquarius ♒️😊

[@undrtw66]

In many ways my marriage has been better than ever since my DA husband has felt safe enough to open up and be vulnerable with me. Once he's had time to reflect after a confrontation, he'll often apologize and take responsibility for his part! The significance of him finally opening up in this way is not lost on me, especially knowing the childhood wounds his attachment style stems from. However, my instinct is to reciprocate his openness, but this doesn't go well. No matter how carefully I choose my words, he reacts as though I'm trying to "upstage" how he feels. He misconstrues my words to validate the feeling of being attacked and defensively deflects blame back onto me. It's so defeating and I just wish I could figure out how to avoid triggering this response in him without sacrificing the truth of how I feel... ?

[@marcellogenovese199]

Next time he opens up just listen, mirror, validate and show him your available and supportive. Don't try to relate by using your own experiences. That is the moment where you need to be silent and just let him get comfortable on his own. When you try to share your own vulnerability right then he is seeing your maneuver to try to manipulate him into being closer then hes ready. I can relate to this by the way, you finally see the dam break and you want to let the dried up pond fill up already but you cannot rush it or you will make him withdraw again.

[@Freebird-1122]

This was very insightful and straightforward, especially for a person with an anxious attachment style. While the topic is on communicating with avoidant types, the exercise is all about helping the anxious types dealing with avoidant types become more secure. I’ve struggled with this in every last one of my romantic relationships. The hardest part is truly being still and not communicating when anxious. Thanks so much for making this. I now have a way to avoid setting flames to relationships with potential.

[@mrsimo7144]

This has to be the most informative video period. I'm on round 5 of being avoided/ cold hearted. I ended it then crawled back to her. I've done everything I possibly I can. Not a good place to be. X

[@ytfeverguy8367]

Great insights. I am anxious and drowning in a long distance relationship with a High School girlfriend who I now believe is DA. I am being systematically ignored and it hurts like hell. I don't even know what I am hanging onto anymore.

[@lauraedwards5938]

Same

[@curtward3117]

While avoidant people are horrible at accountability I can only focus on my behavior These “tips” are amazing and I’m definitely going to do my best to implement them. I’m horrible at speaking my piece and shutting up. Looking at my “agenda” always also seems to sneak up on me frequently. I am a big part of the problem. 🙄

[@lisbeth4you]

We need to go to a therapy session before even opening our mouth :-) That's not love, it's harder than going to work everyday 😂. Imagine this effort for a life relationship! 😋

[@Misticaquantica]

Who’s giving up on your avoidant raise your hand 🙋🏻‍♀️?😃

[@unoriginalname04]

Hahahah you’re joking! This sounds like a nightmare for my already overthinking brain 😅

[@bak6194]

Once again another genius video by you! I love when you talk about deep structure communication! I cannot seem to find much on the internet regarding that so I appreciate what you do!

[@s.aura.h8084]

This is an excellent video. Through and through. First and foremost let’s remember avoidants are scared and if we are anxious we have to learn to look after ourselves. ❤️💫🙏🏻

[@amandasmith1198]

Thank you for this! I love the specific steps, tactics and words you suggest we use and avoid. What popped into my head is what to say when you paraphrase and repeat back to them to solidify your understanding and they say "no," and kinda just repeat themselves. I'm open to being wrong and increasing understanding, that's what I'm watching this video for. But when it's just "no," that doesn't give me much to work with and I'm not sure how to proceed.

[@anya.alexandra]

That may be the information for you that they are really confused. I have seen this thing, when you repeat to a person exactly what they said and they say, “ No, I never said that”. I would even send a screenshot with what they wrote and still would get an answer that I’m wrong. I think it has a lot to do with them being defensive against absolutely anything that comes their way, even if it’s their own words and the compulsion to deny everything. And of course my “tone of voice”. If they are not willing to work on their emotional stuff, all they want for you is to blindly agree and go along with everything being nice and perfect and not ask for anything from them. I hope your situation improves! Strength and compassion to you!

[@animalcarecoursehannahflew9575]

Or 'I don't know' so lazy and selfish

[@animalcarecoursehannahflew9575]

@@anya.alexandra that's interesting. Yes I can't have the same thing on repeat it's really hurtful, draining and quite frankly I deserve better

[@guillermovillarreal8093]

Yes, it does , resignations, but at this point it’s way beyond repair, sometimes or most times one partner wants to salvage the relationship, and tries to fix everything, while the other one does not, amazing video, learned from it.

[@riarosemarimoto5591]

Briana this video echos the very situation I’m in. I didn’t realize he had these pieces until we started spending time together and though he expresses love towards me. And he wants to emotionally connect in seeking comfort. He started to withdraw and when I push he shut down even more. So I pull back & went about living my life. Then he does the chase. But we’re both 50 yr. This needs to change

[@robinjayne9556]

I wish I saw this 5 years ago. But it is helpful now! I am FA and I am a lash out when I know it’s not going to go well!

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

robinjayne Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!

[@nicholle9713]

wow the quick “i love you guys btw” when exposing a terrible trait flaw in the Avoidant (watching to video) allows for the Avoidant’s walls to come down that were recently beginning to rise because of a threat to their ego and fear of abandonment so that they can hear and receive what’s she’s saying. Brilliant

[@tana22123]

This feels so overwhelming and my heart hurts. Is it possible for an anxious/avoidant couple to work through these issues and create a healthy relationship? Is it better to just end it and work on myself? Will I always be anxious at my core? Do anxious/anxious or avoidant/avoidant have these issues or do they make better couples? I almost feel too stupid to be able to actually be emotionally intelligent/healthy in a relationship.

[@mattmcintyre7083]

Anxious/avoidant couples can work but (this is important) BOTH of you need to be ready and willing to do the work.

[@Swonana]

I'm so so happy i found this video and that you made this valuable video! Because, I've already been tapping into these thoughts and processes and what I was hoping to find was a structure to it. Not only did you offer the structure I was looking for, but you also offered the information and depth behind so it all just come out/unfold so clear and simple. I've been spending so much time and energy to crack some codes and aaah this is just such a relief and i'm also so excited to properly apply this in my life

[@shaurya1472]

Read this book ‘Attached’-The new science of Adult attachment’ Changed my life, I’ve been an avoidant all my life but helped me navigate towards becoming a more secure person so that I don’t see my partners needs as if they are encroaching my space/ independence.

[@leovnambo]

Thank you so much for this video. Been thinking about having this conversation for 2 weeks and been watching a lot of videos on learning to let go of attachments, on my attachment style, on the other person possible attachment style and this video gave me the clarity that I needed in terms of how to approach the situation! A toast to you my friend!

[@gregrhoades4257]

Finally I found this video. I think a bit too late. I’ve already disrespected myself by giving up my boundaries but I keep holding on. I feel obsessed but have begun to realize that the suffering I will experience in this style of relationship will be damaging in the long run. I have naturally started doing some of these things and am glad I finally found out what type of person my friend is. Can I handle the truth? Is ambivalence the truth? It is. Now she has pushed me away completely and I am feeling this might be for the best and for the life of me am trying not to go running back. It is extremely painful. I wonder if she’ll ever change? It seems all attempts at communicating are met with resistance. I am always the reason for her anxiety. But this video has made it clear to me what tactics I can use and when to stop and take a big step back. She seemed like a loving partner in the begging but now I don’t recognize her. Why did she change so much? She avoids these inner feelings of frustration she feels around honest communication like everything is my fault. She has decided not communicating is the only solution. At first I was devastated but now I feel maybe this is my chance to let her go. As I detach then she comes back to me. But she won’t even claim we are in a relationship. She says lets just let things happen naturally. But naturally we are moving towards separating. Because in the beginning she would at least try to communicate but now she refuses. Have we gone passed the point of recovering this relationship. If we break up I may take me years to recover. I don’t want anyone else besides her. I am tortured in my silence. Now she demands that I cannot even talk to her when I feel sad. But i feel sad when she pushes me away and grows distant which she now does all the time so I feel sad all the time. Its a catch 22. I feel like I need to take a stand and tell her all this. But in the least at least talk about how when she pushes me away I feel sad.

[@merib1981]

The best way to deal with an avoidant partner is to just run away in the opposite direction as fast as possible. These people are confused and toxic as fuck and nothing is ever going to change that. Waste of time and energy trying to understand that level of baggage.

[@patriciadueweke1959]

Wow! Thank you for all that! It helps me to understand what I need to do.. You are the best!❤

[@wulfclaw4921]

It may just be true that thus emotionally Avoidance is tied to Covert Narcissist behavior. That's what it seems to be to me anyway.

[@nadanabil3412]

I am an anxiously attached person and I believe I have covert narcissism

[@lucymartinez6910]

Instead of saying “I don’t get enough…Say “I would love to feel more…I invite you to join me and experience more of that” Than be silent and let them answer you. The less you say the better. Keep poker face. This helps you appear independent and instead of giving an ultimative. Don’t threaten them. Warnings: deflect without acknowledging your feelings. Don’t beat yourself up! And end up apologizing and you will be a push over. Cut contact by 50 percent. Go do things that you love to do. Don’t over explain your actions or what your plans are. They will end up telling you what is going on. 1. Mirroring- reflect back what they say- paraphrase. Validation from your partners perspective. For example it makes sense you are feeling like this. Empathize and express a curiosity- for example Dont ever say: 1. I know how you feel 2. If I have to ask it doesn’t count 3. 4. 5. Avoidant attachment- they will find new ways to keep distance. But you can honor your boundaries and keep raising your standards. They can catch up or not but you keep going.

[@violets711]

#replay. This is awesome material. I am currently single, however as more of an anxious open heart I have an issue with overhwhelming my usually avoidant partner. Your channel has been a lightbulb since I found it 2 days ago. Thanks a million!

[@TiCkLZ]

Fantastic video and very practical, effective advice!

[@georgepliskin5199]

Holy shit, what a great way to adress this problem, thank you very much. As an anxious fella I tend to have this uneasiness when it comes to telling the truth to my loved one.

[@raularmas317]

What I find most people fail to understand is that the fears and doubts surrounding relationships, intimacy, loving communications and the behaviors practiced by the avoidant partners were formed in ea

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for commenting and sharing your perspective, Raul Armas.

[@Whisperwhillow]

I just want to know where I fit. Feel like I’ve been doing this song and dance for three years now. This man who has captured my heart has said he doesn’t know how to talk about emotions or relationships and he just freezes up, so anytime I bring it up, he goes dark for a few days, weeks, whenever. I’m great to fill up my own cup and I don’t need someone to make me happy, I’m rather avoidant myself, but at some point, I just want to know if this is going somewhere.

[@grayhalf1854]

If you both have avoidant traits then I suspect wherever you're going will be somewhat detached, without drama and conflict sure, but also without passion and true physical connection. You ask if it's going somewhere... have you considered that you might have already arrived? I'd look within yourself to identify what you truly want and identify your partner's role in this - as well as your own. There's always potential for growth but you can only work on yourself.

[@desiemehrabian1133]

This is really helpful - to try to anticipate responses and reframe the needs to get a better response or at least what the intention is. To say it in the Oreo cookie way seems it would be better accepted. Then how to handle what to do next, how to handle it. It seems there is some unfairness in dealing with an avoidant in that he/she can behave as He or she wants and it’s up to us if we walk away of trying to to make the relationship better and help that person as well so it’s not coming to another failed attempt on their part

[@mamu7976]

Great communication tips. Thank you so much!

[@etiwar2292]

very well done and quite useful. More on boundaries, please.

[@lifting6248]

My partner likes to spend time with me but i feel anxious when not with them. I’m a definite AP. They continually let me know that they’re great alone and will be ok without us. They’re happy to go days without contact and always make passive aggressive jokes about finding other people pretty. They definitely bring out the worst of my anxieties. I think theyre DA, no long term relationships in their past and said they cant talk about their feelings.. its a bad dynamic

[@katkatkat5]

Fuuuuuukkk that... if my partner would go days without contact and then have the audacity to point out pretty people. I’d be out. I hope you get out as I believe this won’t get any better just worse (for you)

[@lifting6248]

katkatkat5 i’m in too deep now fs!!

[@katkatkat5]

I feel the same way with mine. I’m trying to just be strong on my own and work on me and my boundaries and life in general. Develop friendships so I’m not all 💯 relying on him. It’ll make me a stronger healthier person if we work out or not.

[@katkatkat5]

About the whole in too deep thing... it’s like saying we have absolutely no choice now to break up and walk away for any reason which in reality is never true. We are not stuck with them and can always choose to walk away if it gets too bad

[@lifting6248]

katkatkat5 its tough as shit when emotion overrides logic.. wish i’d caught myself on months ago! Still, its never too late to change your mentality.

[@r.bishop1127]

This seems absolutely exhausting for a relationship. I think I just got out of one with an avoidant but it got so weird idk anymore. Completely confusing.

[@unpopularintrovert7856]

Secure attachment styles are best for avoidants in some cases. My boyfriend is an avoidant that tries and it doesn't bother me that he needs time to himself or doesn't contact me 24-7 or says i love you all the time.I like space as well. I trust him. We have a system that works but if I wasn't secure and he didnt try to meet my needs it wouldnt.

[@ashtanispacefire4478]

So brilliant...Thank you for your committed service. Invaluable. I'm so grateful.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Ashtani Spacefire Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!

[@718streets]

I was completely mind blown. Thank you so much for this valuable insight. I'm absolutely going to use this going forward. 🙌🙌

[@RealTalk-mq2ug]

my soul is viciously violently brutally tortured and raped. he left me: abandoned and betrayed me. he was my best friend. or so I thought. the pain is truly unimaginable inconceivable unfathomable unbearable. I can't go on with this pain... I simply cannot. I am drowning in grief and darkness...

[@ISxh-cb4dp]

i hope you feel better :) 💕

[@rokennedy11]

Lol, such logical common sense advise, but people are so unpredictable. I agree you have to get to the point of having a poker face. The way I look at it, for me personally, I can be both. I can be healthy attached and commited or detached and cool when forced although not my preference. I can go either way, maybe my partner can only go one way, that makes it decision time. There is no point in being in a relationship that has fear. Thank you for your wisdom!

[@brittniebelcher3341]

These questions are great! I love this

[@chilloften]

Wow wow. I’m def trying learn to communicate better and this was fascinating to my mind. 🌹🔥

[@tharmir]

Too much work for someone that could leave you in a heart beat... Nice communication tips tho, but they should hit therapy

[@mountainman88]

If the avoidant person is not aware of their flaw and actively trying to fix themselves, run as far away as you can. You will just suffer needlessly. Self awareness and a desire to grow and change are key.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

When we find ourselves entangled with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, it's essential to remember that both parties play a role in the dynamic. If an avoidant individual is not actively engaging in self-awareness and growth, it might not be a match for someone who is seeking a deeply connected, emotionally available relationship. In that sense, recognizing our own needs and taking responsibility for our emotional well-being becomes crucial. When we feel angry or hurt, it often points to unmet needs and expectations within ourselves. It's an indication that we might be looking for something that the other person, in their current state, can't provide. This isn't about blaming the avoidant person for being who they are; rather, it's about acknowledging our own emotional landscape and making empowered choices based on that self-awareness. The key is mutual willingness to grow and adapt-without that, sustaining a balanced relationship becomes a difficult endeavor for both parties. Take care of yourselves first and foremost. 💖

[@sisters299]

Thankyou for thee valuable shares your insight is so priceless and precise.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thanks for watching!

[@snowwalker9999]

The problem is that the avoidant don’t watch these videos. They don’t think they need healing. They have found it in avoiding their partners. I believe that most avoidant folks aren’t emotionally faithful and some perhaps physically either.

[@grayhalf1854]

I'm an avoidant and I'm watching these videos and reading the comments. I'm honestly trying to take ownership of my issues. It's not easy facing up to things but personally I'm tired of undermining my own chances of living a meaningful life; I also want to step up and be a better partner for any significant others I have in my life in the future (I'm single right now, and think it's the best place for me for the moment). (PS Never been emotionally or physically unfaithful - waaay too avoidant for that kind of thing!)

[@snowwalker9999]

@@grayhalf1854 If you’re single and not dating you are not being either anxious or avoidant. You’re self diagnosing yourself based on some of your recent experiences. And if you are an avoidant you must be the type that are anxious at the same time or at some point you have been the anxious one. I know I have been both and right now I’m the anxious. Most avoidant types are looking for an anxious victim for self validation and somehow the suffering they put the anxious through makes up for their earlier loss in life. A fake substitute but they are like addicts who need to get a fix. If you feel you could potentially develop a deep connection with the ones you avoided in the past then it’s something you need to work on so you won’t keep self sabotaging. Some anxious types become avoidant the moment their avoidant partner finally agrees to be their full-on partner. An example of emotional unfaithfulness is when you tell your partner you’re too tired or too sick to just avoid having to talk to them. You then immediately go to a chat group and start sharing a joke. That’s emotional betrayal. It can hurt just as bad as the physical one does. If you avoid physical intimacy with your partner even if you are not cheating with someone else, you are betraying your partner. Ask yourself whether you have done any of that.

[@drmunazzah]

can't be thankful enough for this information,may God keep you blessed 💫

[@shashichaudhary9308]

I think it is not about just talking to an avoidant which many will feel is a lot of work... These are tips that anyway one can try to learn to grow as a person.

[@XmienekeX]

Hearing this it sounds better to just step away for me, I keep falling into the same spiral with the same person it is so confusing. Realizing it but not able to keep your own word.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

Great video, Brianna! Thank you so much! Very objective and insightful.

[@lilelly16]

Thank you for your wonderful content, Briana. It goes right to the source. This is gold ❤️

[@shannenp.9664]

🤯🤯🤯🤯 I am so happy I found your channel.

[@jezzrum32623]

This is exactly what I’m needing right now. Thanks so much for posting and sharing what you know. It’s such a help while navigating this ocean of emotion!

[@cassondrakavanagh8879]

would love more on this!

[@gebronthomasson6960]

As an Anxious in my just recently ex’d relationship I never threatened to leave..I just didn’t appreciate her willingness to meet me in my need for physical touch outside the bed..obviously the more I felt the divide the more I pushed and in return the pull and eventual retreat..

[@nitaBist]

I struggle a lot with if I have to ask it doesn't count. I do express my needs, wait to see if he will rise to the occasion to meet them.....when he doesn't and I ask or state again I feel like a broken record.

[@andreatorluemke4982]

Thanks love. Helpful yes. ❤

[@shekar222]

This is very helpful thank you

[@raek7685]

Thank you! Definitely found this helpful and opened up a few different views I hadn’t thought about 😊

[@sghavam9502]

thank you very much Briana, you are great 🙏

[@PolaCaKe890]

This entire thing gave me an anxiety attack

[@katkatkat5]

I know lol I get it

[@erinsunshinecarter6154]

I was secure until a little while into a relationship with an avoidant. Now I’m leaning towards anxious and I hate that is the perspective he gets of me.

[@snowwalker9999]

13:29 I tried what you had suggested and the response was very sweet and kind yet very plutonique loaded with excuses like being sick with stress. And yes gray and ambivalent. It did not address anything I had mentioned in the letter. It was all about her. A bit patronizing too because I had mistakenly shared some of my big plans with her. So i guess this is the truth that I have to face.

[@AshleyNicole]

This just sounds like playing games and wasting time to be honest.

[@kusumlata1390]

Exactly! I don't like these advices, it's not you.. it's them who have to do the work on themselves, you can only support.

[@diveflyfish]

Is it possible for a secure attachment who clicked and has fantastic heart depth connection help in any way to have the possible avoidant person see the secure person does have a true sense of seemingly unconditional acceptance and connection with the avoidant after they ask for “space?”

[@diveflyfish]

Thank you for this video !

[@chezchisholm9776]

My partner who us a DA is making me I'll. I have tried so hard to communicate with him in a nice way. Nothing but nothing works

[@jennavevestclaire]

Wow. I wish you did a whole manual on communicating with a FA! This was super helpful and convicting too lol because I have been saying the 5 things you shouldn’t say to a FA for quite a while now! Whoops 😬

[@paolamartinezjarquin9967]

Wow. This video is great

[@laurabeigh283]

Very helpful! Thank you.

[@jennysilver2577]

This is so brilliant. You just opened my eyes and heart to what has been a life long struggle. Thank you 🙏🏻❤️

[@meganruiz7287]

This dynamic just sucks!! I'm getting to the point of always working on myself and still feeling like I'm not doing enough

[@Zamstein]

I know how you feel. How about instead of working on ourselves, we reframe it as having compassion for ourselves and being present with ourselves before we can have compassion for others.