Are They Avoidant, or Just Not That Into Me? [Avoidant Attachment]

[@ysabellacanlale1258]

I was a huge avoidant and I wasn't even aware until someone I loved and saw my future with actually left because he thought I did not feel the same towards him. I was so scared of showing and expressing myself to him, and would often have dismissive behaviors toward him. I went through depression. 3 years later, I met someone and instead of holding back, I really tried my best to show and express what I feel every time, and never hold back because I didn't like what happened to me last time. However, the person I was with was the reflection of how I used to be before--huge avoidant, and very unaware. I finally understood what my former person felt about my behavior before---the inconsistencies, the needing for assurance, push and pull. Eventually, I was the one who left the relationship, not because I didn't have patience or understanding for him (I did), but because I needed to prioritize myself and my wellbeing this time. I didn't want to be in the continuing toxic cycle. I am still working on myself, but also being open-minded about everyone else. At the same time, it's important to know when to let go especially if you are already catching yourself being caught up in a pattern. You cannot make someone change unless they are willing to change themselves, and realize they want to change for themselves. It takes a lot of self-awareness and courage to be vulnerable with someone.

[@patriot-hj5vx]

Glad you were able to see the impact of your actions. I myself was super avoidant, got broken up with, and attracted a string of suuuper disengaged partners. It took me a while to realize that the universe was mirroring my own behavior back to me. Message received!

[@MagicApple03]

I'm an avoidant attachment person. Give us time. This is SO much easier to say online... I've been married for 7 years now, my husband is very much a sensitive, physical type of guy. We clash a lot, in fact, many times (especially early on) he thought I was always being dismissive. Which, I was...still can be. All I can say is that we do care, it is just so hard to feel okay with feeling that, let alone expressing. It's...very uncomfortable, on so many levels. But I try in small ways. Please be patient & understanding! So many assume we're just logical computers or at the worst, sociopaths. So many I see here are attacking the avoidants, and being one, I hope I can share perspective. My husband is an 'anxious' btw. I love him but when he's more clingy, I feel uncomfortable...but I try and meet him half way. Always a work in progress! 🤔

[@michaelclarke6144]

Thanks so much for giving us some insight

[@anwensu4381]

I'm an anxious, and you're so right. Plenty of comments from us attacking avoidants, but rarely the other way around.

[@brandonf24]

I appreciate your input. All of us are guilty of generalizing; however, from my own experience, it is best to move on and look for better compatibility than to drive each other nuts and waste LIFE. I personally could NOT live in a constant tug of war, but if it works for you, all the best. 👍

[@apope06]

I would assume an avoidant is just manipulating me or not into me or cheating. Thanks for helping us understand.

[@sarahjay720]

youre all we can ask for! meeting us half way !

[@amazinggrace313]

If your avoidance is stronger than love you feel for someone, you got a problem. Avoidant people should ironically be avoided.

[@sunbeam9222]

Thing is they're not. They got plenty of fans. Why? Why so many people are eager to abandon their own well being just to get validation from someone who doesn't even seem to care? They're definitely not the only ones with issues.

[@anoncspan4129]

​@@sunbeam9222you're both right, depending on the originator and the recipient.

[@Bookooky]

@@sunbeam9222 It's bc we assume they have substance underneath. Like a video game, too much ease makes it boring

[@elevenkong]

they are not devils but they really hurt others. Totally agreed here

[@lunab.7858]

this was amazing, omg it hit home in every way. super super helpful. as an AA the idea of letting go is very hard even if it means i am prioritizing my own needs, because 1) there's this internalized belief that i am responsible for the feelings of others, and that if i don't continue to be there for others, i am a failure or they will leave me and i will "miss out" on "true love", 2) if i voice how i feel, people will turn away from me, thus leaving, because i voiced my needs/concerns/etc., 3) love is all in or out (like you mentioned). that this person has to know right away what they feel for me and that if they're pushing themselves away it's because they really do care and are just hiding it b/c it is scary for them (which in the case of the rolling stone could potentially be an aspect of it, but often times my actions/words were probably acting as a catalyst for their core wounds), 4) they will find someone "better" which is really just a projection of my very own insecurities. THANK YOU for this. had to pause the video at times to really let myself process what you were saying because it is so very accurate!

[@jmgmetal]

Madai B. I agree with everything you wrote

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Madai B. Thank you for watching and for commenting. This is a very thoughtful reflection and I appreciate the detail you shared about your experience. It’s very articulate! Much appreciated. I am glad the content resonates with you.

[@freshdumpling]

This happened to me with my avoidant. The minute I voiced what I want, didn't even get a response.

[@trudyvalkyr3005]

There's a huge cultural difference with where I come from. The standard relationship is monogamous and when you decide to date and see somebody several times a week in a romantic context it is a given that you don't date nor sleep with other people. Maybe the 1st few weeks are unclear but after a month or so it automatically becomes a relationship. Which doesn't mean you know it will be serieus, long term. We don't ask the other if they want to be in an exclusive relationship. If you deviate from the standard and don't want monogamy it's up to that person to state that very quickly.

[@selfless-esteem]

It's like that where I'm from too. City vs small town values, for me. I can't wrap my head around it

[@LyliJ]

Where are you from that it’s like this?

[@TheVerbalAssassinFAFO]

OMG! I hate this type of comment. "huge cultural difference"??? And, " Where I'm from, The standard relationship is monogamous"??? Where in the hell do you think you're from that no one else is? This is haughty and mad disrespectful. So let me introduce myself: Hello. I'm Verbal. I'm from Earth, and I'm a HUMAN. .your turn. What's the name of your planet? Knock it off 🙄 You sound crazy.

[@guiwang4ever]

I (anxious attachment with fearful avoidant tendencies) just ended a 3 months "relationship" with a man that was so heavily dismissive avoidant, could not communicate his emotions at all, didn't know what he want or how he felt, and left me feeling like i was just "not good enough" and it must've been me that messed everything up when he was so into me at the start. this video heavily resonated with me as i struggled to accept how cold and nonchalant he was when things ended- like he never cared at all to begin with. Wish i had found your videos sooner Bianca, would've saved me so much heartbreak and PTSD haha. Now i know to never ever attempt anything with an avoidant again, especially a DA.

[@curlymixednezz]

I totally relate to this... I've experienced the heavily dismissive avoidant man and it was a CONFIDENCE KILLER! I too am fearful avoidant as you, and so it definitely triggered the crap outta me! He could t express his emotions, say how he felt or what he needed and so I was blind in the situation... I hate that that had to end it bc I'm sure you cared for him, but sometimes to preserve our sanity, there is no other way

[@FollowingJesus17]

Well I am just a month and a week into a relationship with a avoidant. and I'm thinking of doing the same. Is avoidant only sees me once in a blue moon only messages me once they leaves large gaps between messages and make some excuses and say "sorry I replied late" With no reason. I just feel like it's really annoying.. frustrating and makes me feel unwanted. Send me a good morning message and I hear nothing for 24 h and then does the same thing the next morning. Crumbs crumbs crumbs

[@remic3410]

@@FollowingJesus17 oh lord. They are all the same. Can’t we create one country for them and send all the avoidants there so they can avoid eachother and themselves for the rest of their lives without annoying us? 😂

[@melissa3986]

You won’t know they are avoidant until you’re already attached.

[@cecilang9721]

This behavior makes me want to sob with sadness. If you have the strength, leave. I wish I did.

[@cibertronx]

Avoidant, immature, lack of ability to express his thoughts, feelings, avoidant sex, aggressiveness, borderline...he had it all. Doesn't even matter if he was into me or not. Type of men a conscious woman has no need to put up with. Such troubled people should not even approach the dating scene. Mental illness is another story. They can fake it, but not for long.

[@blakewatson9695]

“ “ “ “ “ “ “ “ “ “ “ “ (ditto)..............she has it all and with a heavy dose of severe PTSD from childhood emotional abuse and neglect with a side of physical if not sexual abuse. The type of “individual” man or woman that any conscious big hearted and compassionate human should ever need to put up with or feel obligation to compromise for. Almost 20 years of crutching this disorder, sacrificing my own sanity and struggling to help with her dysfunctional and distorted perceptions and beliefs I have nearly allowed my soul to be broken......all in the name of love and devotion. This kind of mental disorder and cruel mentality is a prison sentence for the other partner much more severely that for the one suffering from it. Don’t try to be the White Knight in shinning armor that can “save” them and ultimately over time gain the reward of they’re undying appreciation and loving commitment because it will very unlikely ever happen. I gambled my entire 30’s and 40’s including 2 children and I lost out big time ASIDE from my beautiful 2 daughters. Love yourself enough to walk away now!

[@dutchgirl5467]

I couldn't express the same thoughts better than you, 100% truth.

[@PriyankaGupta-ew1li]

Hell Yaass! 👍🏻💯

[@12345678abracadabra]

it kinda sounds like you havent fully healed your attachment trauma from your childhood if you're putting up egoic projections onto other people

[@K4113B4113]

​@@blakewatson9695 Thank you for sharing. Stories like yours are helpful to everyone.

[@belcardozo417]

6:41 yes yes yes !!!! Thank you!!!!!!! I struggle with people understanding that being nice and not wanting to commit are not opposites

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

At this point, the two things are the same to me and I'm walking away, because I'm absolutely out of patience dealing with avoidants.

[@neonpop80]

I can’t tell if I’m labeling her as avoidant to ease my rejected position. I could’ve sworn she really is into me through her eyes and smile. She looked so happy. But couldn’t show me affection or admit it at all. She retreated a day after I opened dialogue of exclusivity and where we’re at. That night we had a great time with lots of laughter and holding hands. It was quite intimate. But her reason was “different ways of showing affection”. Just odd. She loved how I was affectionate to her and loved receiving but just didn’t have it in her to reciprocate or show. Quite odd. I’ve never experienced something like that. I never thought someone can say no to something they’re enjoying and has lots of positivity and potential.

[@AzumaRikimaru]

update?

[@neonpop80]

@@AzumaRikimaru Not really. Tried communicating but she didn’t want to. Looking back on our last night together, I had only wanted to discuss where she was at and where we could move to. She insisted I was asking for exclusivity multiple times. I can now see that that is what she really wanted but couldn’t concede power or being vulnerable. She was in love and scared that night. I’ve never seen anything like it. She tried to come up with reasons why it wouldn’t work but they never made sense. I had to accept it and unfollowed her IG to which she got upset and blocked me completely. I feel sorry for her because all I had was love for her but she had to deny her feelings and ran away from them. I don’t think unfollowing her helped at all but this is such an extended process that I feel I deserve the love I give back. She tested the waters recently after she found out I was on a dating app. She showed up on the app but I couldn’t swipe right. I think she can try a little and extend herself otherwise a relationship can’t stand with the strength of one person. Hope you’re well

[@senoraespinosa6176]

@@neonpop80 your words are magical.... i'm scared I was like am I crazy..😟🤔 I thought maybe he was narcissistic or even a sociopath. But our date tonight he was talking and I notice he does not connect emotionally. I tried to hold his hand walking into the restaurant he held my hand one second and put it back in his pocket I thought you wasn't into me. This is the second time coming back to me the first time he broke it off because I started talking about wanting a relationship now the second time I asked him what does he want cuz he's back in my life he said he doesn't know but let's just keep it casual right now and in a couple of months I will cut everybody off your my favorite I like spending time with you but the site are even the word of relationship exclusivity what are we shut him down he says he immediately shuts down. I've also seen when we would be intimate he never looks at me in the eyes he avoids eye contact I asked him why where we have sex why don't you never look at me in my eyes he says I'm not sure I said do you have any emotional issues where you can't connect he said maybe so he also said he will try harder what's we are more serious that was odd. Also he doesn't cuddle a lot after sex is almost as if it is an act what is over he will lay down for a few minutes and then he is up. I'm nervous because I really care about him I see this little boy that's hurting inside I don't want to give up on dating him yes I'm an empath but I really care for him genuinely if he does not change his ways he will be alone at 42. I thought he was a fuckboy at 42 but he's a broken boy in a man's body. I don't know what to do since finding out this information maybe some distance maybe see what he likes doesn't like he does not like questions so I don't know how to ask him anyting. He's drawn a lot to sex when I try to talk to him he tells me he shuts down I don't know where to go if I should continue I don't know

[@neonpop80]

@@senoraespinosa6176 sorry to hear. Every situation is different, but in my case I had flashes of memories of things said. I actually never asked for exclusivity I realize, I only asked where things were at as I was open to anything as long as we discussed them like adults. She twisted my words and insisted I was asking for exclusivity, which I eventually conceded to because I didnt mind. She was so excited that night but similarly, after sex she faces away in a fetal position. Her body in a protective position but her face is all happy and smiles. A day later she just messages out of the blue how we’re not a good fit and comes up with reasons which don’t make any sense and keep changing over time. My point is, I just think they really hurt when they like someone and the idea of attaching to them is presented. She kept saying we’re casual but when it was time to be more she ran away. She told me the same story with an ex she had lived with. That when she found out he was about to propose she had a panic attack and left him. They’re scared of being hurt.

[@neonpop80]

@@senoraespinosa6176 it’s pretty sad but I’m no longer with her even though I tried reaching out a few times when I knew she was creeping me online; a sign she cared. But I ultimately think I deserve better and I think you do too. We have to be able to give ourselves good treatment.

[@booksale5]

You’re brilliant! You’re one of the few KZbinrs who speak about attachment style with such eloquence, depth, in vivo examples to help with comprehension. Your videos are such high caliber content that I often watch them twice. Thanks

[@sahvaren]

Thank you 🙏🏽 this really helped me move forward in an emotionally intelligent way in regards to a potentially avoidant reflection, rather than resorting to shame and blame

[@marieconway4889]

The avoidant implied heavily they wanted a long-term relationship, then when I slowed things down they turned angry and aggressive. I gather my anxious attachment style is more measured than it used to be. He's really messed up, I'm glad we were never intimate.

[@acharich]

😅😅😅

[@PriyankaGupta-ew1li]

That's how the avoidants trick you into a relationship by dangling the carrot of "they want a Long term with u " because they know another avoidant is not🤣🙄 an option and the secure one's don't entertain their on-off bullshit!Nope next bye👊🏻😌 The anxious one's are getting themselves educated on this and they are leaving your ass too avoidants! Go fuck yourselves 👊🏻🤬

[@PS-xb9hc]

@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li dangling the carrot....lol

[@jlgotera1]

@@PS-xb9hc exactly baiting you. Misleading as fuck, but if you ever mislead them. They will get upset and retract back. Like oh im sorry you can do whatever to confuse and manipulate me, but you don’t want it to happen to you. I don’t think so pal!! Haha

[@jjc2323]

I needed a video like this!!! Thank you Who wants a rolling stone? Honestly. That’s a lot of work.

[@g00gl3it]

Rolling stones would say the same about an open heart, though. It goes both ways, and that's the difficulty of those two types trying to understand each other. Rolling Stones are often overwhelmed by an open hearts perceived neediness and excessive need for affirmation.

[@ARichardP]

8:55 “We don’t understand affection as expressed in shades of grey.” Can definitely relate to this boundary confusion.

[@_keepintouch]

You're so specific with your words and I love it. I love how you don't say things that are completely boxed in and categorized. You use words like some people may, some people may not, and that you don't definitively put everyone into a box.

[@carolineroper5509]

This video was so helpful. I mostly relate to avoidant attachment style (although we're all complex and different situations can bring out different sides). So I was sort of hoping to answer the question "Am I avoidant or just not that into them?" Which I didn't necessarily get an answer to, but I appreciate the takeaway that there's a spectrum and we may want a particular level of involvement. I appreciate that gender norms and gender stereotypes don't really play a role in this advice. Women are often encouraged or pressured to let the man set the agenda and do the pursuing, or to always choose the man who's most committed, and it's so useful to just advise everyone, regardless of gender to independently figure out what they want with a particular person and bring that into conversation.

[@daspotjoel]

I agree, it’s not gender specific. I tend to lean in while dating, and when my past avoidant partners started pulling away (without explanation), that activated my slight AP attachment system. Men leading and initiating has only lead to women backing off if they are avoidant.

[@demeterlaw]

Or...just avoid the Avoidant person entirely...I have so much to Offer, and my Energy is VALUABLE. An Avoidant person is basically a fiasco, a Black Hole, a knot so hard to untie, a person who eternally interprets EVERYTHING I DO as a PERSONAL AFFRONT. I don't know if there is anything to be done with this type of person. THANK YOU for this explanation, this is why we are all SINGLE. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE BEFORE MARRIED THE PERSON THEY HAD SEX WITH...and the relationship unfolded under the UMBRELLA OF MARRIAGE.

[@laurak4024]

Thank you for your videos. As always, they are very helpful. I am an open heart. I just finished my "second time around" with a rolling stone. He came back to me wanting to take things slow. I tried my best but, after 3 months, he rolls away when there is conflict. I was needing assurance. He didnt understand why and perceived me of having a hidden agenda. He concluded that he ultimately didnt want the relationship. This time I changed my behavior and released control. I allowed him to go without an argument. I just find it interesting that we were broken up for 6 months and he came back realizing I was "the one" but drops me as soon as I start expressing my needs. In retrospect, I was probably being demanding instead of opening a dialogue.

[@deepego3]

I think it's great that you're able look back and say that you may have been more demanding than you realized at the time. That being said....it was the second go around for you two. I'm assuming that there was some conversation regarding needs and points of contention before you guys gave it another shot? If so, I dont think you're out of bounds for expecting a better showing the second time. But that's just my opinion.

[@chrisbigarani1691]

Anon. A. Mous Open heart here! I can relate. I think stating my needs to my ex scared him bcuz they were "needs" and that can sound like deal breakers to a rolling stone's ears, even if totally legitimate! I got a better response if I asked if he could meet a desire than a need. After all, it makes sense that it could scare away a rolling stone if he/she thought that if they cldnt meet your "needs" (like air, water, sleep, etc) then he could easily imagine you leaving the rltnshp and that wld make it hard to even want to try for an avoidant of any kind...scary! For whatever reason, my ex found it an "attack" every time I'd mention a hurt or a disappointment. To this day, I don't get it, bcuz I know he wished for the same level of security I wanted in the rltnshp. We were just going about it differently, but he cldnt see his own method of doing what I was apparently doing. Now it's about me finding my own inner security, and making sure the "other" has his own as well. I've got a ways to go, but baby steps... I hope I can know mature love and communication one day. All the best to you!

[@laurak4024]

@@chrisbigarani1691 makes perfect sense to me. I also think the more secure I became in with myself and the more I was able to directly communicate my needs, the more he saw that as bridging the gap of closeness and intimacy. If I'm acting like a wild woman, he can use me as an excuse to run away. But if I'm behaving appropriately (according to my standards) he had nothing to run away from. Funny thing is now I'm the one terrified to get into relationships. The thought of entering a relationship produces so much anxiety. But the thought of being single forever makes me feel relieved. It's sad.

[@chrisbigarani1691]

@@laurak4024 I hear you. Showing up in my own skin with all my fears of being judged and rejected is very scary, but I think at some point I've got to do it regardless of the fears bcuz that's the only way I see me truly accepting myself, and matching up vibrationally with another who will truly accept me as is. After all, I'm so accepting of others' imperfections, so there must be other people out there like that, right. I just have to take the time to learn about the person first before jumping in, and if they reject me or judge me I'm going to have to learn to love myself anyway, and see if I'm not better off for it, and not take it personally, but as part of my road to self-love and self-acceptance. I understand the relief you feel while thinking about being alone. My mother did that and she managed to make it work, but she was lonely, too. I just don't want to repeat the legacy. I want to overcome it if possible. I'd like to have that special someone to share my life with, go to bed with, make love with, vacation together, attend my son's wedding together, enjoy grandkids together, dance together, cook and eat together, take road trips...I don't think I want that much, but maybe for someone else it is just too hard for them. I want to find another brave soul who wants to break his family's legacy and fully enjoy life! I hope you get everything you want out of life and don't stop until you get it!

[@cathyg8313]

@@chrisbigarani1691 I want those same things too! What I don't understand is why it's so hard to find? Frustrating world these days. I pray you find all of that & more. 😊🤗❤

[@karinaperez4743]

I want to listen to this until I absorb every detail. Every word is wisdom. Thank you !

[@megancui5636]

Wow! I heard the first 30 seconds and felt you were reading my mind

[@livefreeallways]

This is why it's good to develop a friendship first

[@michaelclarke6144]

Literally, tried the 'I'm wondering what you think of us together as it has been three months?', last week and she became really defensive and said that she felt as though she was being interrogated in the principal's office. She said it was ridiculous of me to even ask because as it turns out we were both happy to be going along as friends seeing each other without having anything deeper. I was trying to clarify what was going on because, in my mind, there was some confusion. I haven't heard from her for a week

[@michaelclarke6144]

I believe I have a secure attachment style

[@blackcarriebradshaw]

Omg. Thats terrible.

[@ShortDarknLovely]

i've recently discovered that the "butterflies" that we feel are our body's alarm system telling us that that person is not the one for you. A person that feels peaceful/safe is what we should keep an eye out for.

[@marekin8024]

Where did you discover this? I'm genuinely curious because I don't remember butterflies but I remember feeling extreme shyness the first time I met my partner and now we can basically fall asleep on a call with each other. We both feel a calmness I guess. What you said was really interesting 🤔

[@dollie9018]

Hmm, I don't think it's that black or white either. I mean yes, I've experienced those butterflies with my ex and they were 100% warning signals but I have also experienced positive butterflies, if I've just felt super excited about something. Also atm I've been seeing this man (who might be avoidant) for 2 months and I've felt very calm and peaceful and safe around him, and while it feels good, I'm not certain it means anything in this situation. It could also be just because he is very calm and quiet and introverted and I feel with him I can be as well, so it makes me relaxed. But we'll see where this goes.

[@dominiquecadet5976]

This!!! 🙏🏾

[@sarat9567]

I appreciate the way you frame your information. It’s similar to other teachers I’ve listened to but something about your delivery really brings it home. Thank you!

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

I appreciate that, Sara Talley! Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!

[@jjc2323]

I like how you stated what you wanted - I was similar but not as eloquent. He friendzoned me and now I have figured out he is a DA. He wanted to stay friends and maybe someday we could have relationship. No thanks

[@Yeahboiyeah1499]

Dismiss the avoidant. Trust me.

[@tiffany5172]

I love all of them that I watched but this one really hits it on the nail on what's going on with me I believe I'm the anxious one but I feel secure also is that weird but hes the avoident and I'm bieng disrespected in a way as he goes back in forth between me and another and he tells me he really wants to b with me and we have a baby together and we live together but we have sex every day and or every other day but now it seems sence we are getting more comfortable and now hes pulled way back and not coming home for 2 to 3 nights and he still says he wants me but I'm lost

[@DiamondsRexpensive]

It sucks that you have a kid with someone like him. I only feel sorry for the kid

[@sal2975]

Shouldn't be too hard. They dismiss and avoid you, right?

[@brandonf24]

I agree. Save your time and drop them. You'll be better and healthier for it.

[@Doors_of_janua]

As an avoidant I can tell you this. As long as we don’t feel you can handle and love us as we are we will never fully open… even though we are probably madly in love with you and you would be blown of your feet when that love is released even more.

[@richardwitalis7731]

Thank you for making this topic as clear as mud !

[@sarahjay720]

i agree anxious and avoidants are equal opposites, with equal blame. the reason anxious people "bash" avoidants is that avoidants claim to be happy with who they are, see no reason to change and often don't meet halfway or take extensive convincing to meet halfway. they often don't get help or therapy. they also often refuse to apologize so seemingly its easier to be upset with them

[@istrala]

A couple of my big takeaways: 1. decide what I want for myself 2. know that it won't necessarily be clear for a while what is that I do want from a given relationship

[@arieldickinson9865]

God. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you. This is EXACTLY the line of thinking I’ve been struggling with.

[@secretshaman189]

This is a great answer, not the usual info, and a new positive way to look at open emotional communication and co-creation with your romantic interest. Thank-you so much!

[@acharich]

💯💎💯

[@sarakovacsbabybeanportrait1415]

This is brilliant. Thank you!

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Sara Kovacs Baby Bean Portraits Thank you for watching and for commenting.

[@kathiandyou]

Great content!!!!!! ❤️

[@strawberrysocial2285]

I’ve been dating someone for over a year and a half and I’ve asked myself this questions for months until I did so much research I realized he’s dismissive Avoidant and I’m fearful avoidant. Our relationship just stays the same after this long. I see him once a week and he texts several times a week but I’m always the one to make the effort.

[@sara-dx3ix]

Hi I understand this cycle of analysing, questioning what is going on, where is this going in this dynamic. There's incongruity in what they say and it's confusing. My bf is avoidant we're 3 months in, he talks about living together next year but doesn't love me. I'm slightly avoidant and feeling uneasy. He has an emotional kill switch, do they ever change? Does your partner have difficulty giving complements whilst being so nice all the time.

[@0Demiyah0]

Hey Strawberry, that sounds very familiar to me. I'm also dating someone for 1.5 years who is DA, and I've understood in time I have FA patterns. He even takes me on family vacations, and has asked me 3 times if I want to househunt together. But still, he doesn't want to make a commitment, even if he admitted that he's doing all these things to see whether he feels safe with me, and is able to see a marriage between us. I do tend to get into patterns where I want to draw an answer out of him, and I'm looking for more security and affirmation. But as hypersensitive and avoidant of emotional closeness he is, this feels very threatening and off-putting to him. My way of coping is to reduce my investment to match his commitment level. So I focus on my own life, let him initiate 80% of our contact or dates, and I don't go out of my way to keep my schedule clear or let him create a pattern (like, we see each other only on Tuesday and Saturday). If I have a problem with him, I propose a solution after a short explanation of how I feel, rather than delve into a 15-min monologue of my feelings (which is overwhelming to him). I reward good behavior with affirmation. It requires a lot of self-soothing, and it was so counter-intuitive to me to allow so much spaces in a relationship, and not be NEEDED and COUNTED ON as much. Next to that, how painful withdrawal can be, after really beautiful moments were shared. In my gut I know his interest in me is genuine and he loves me as much as he's capable of now. But there are a lot of wounds and barriers to emotional closeness, that I cannot MAKE him overcome with talking. If in your gut you know this man loves you, and you enjoy the majority of time together, then continue. There might be something really deep and profound blossoming between you two.

[@Jasmine-bk5jw]

@@0Demiyah0 please teach me the way. My guy is so avoidant and its really starting to make me feel isolated.

[@Alphacentauri819]

I’d say it’s really likely not worth it. I’ve been doing the off/on dance for 16 years. 11 years in he was diagnosed with Aspergers, it looks eerily similar to DA in terms of relating (or not😬) in relationships. The sensitivity to criticism (or perceived criticism or attack) even if feelings from an “I feel” stand point expressed, the withdrawal, the stone face and refusal to engage, dismissal of simple requests..believing that requests for calls when making it somewhere safely, is seen as “controlling”... etc...expression of feelings is often seen as “drama”... 🙄 Despite me going to counseling and us going to 6 marriage counselors..the theoretical info never stuck. It’s going to still be overwhelmingly the other partner doing WAY more work...whether it’s learning to react different, reading articles, watching videos like this...it’s not usually a DA who will invest that energy, time, effort...it’s the other. I have a fearful avoidant attachment style and I am done. The imbalance became too much and counters my attempts to not abandon myself any longer. He would’ve been fine if I rarely, rarely engaged...except some niceties and sex. His belief of peace over everything else...counters mine of authenticity and connection over everything else. I am grateful, despite the pain, to have the opportunities to see my areas I needed to work on... so, relationships are sometimes guideposts to develop to our highest level and def not the whirling fairytale that so many believe!!

[@chrisbigarani1691]

@@Alphacentauri819 Wow! Your replay of your rltnshp sounds SO similar to my 9-year one that's now been over for almost a year! But yes, I know that delicate, and heart-breaking dance. I now conclude from both of our stories that BOTH people have to be aware of their inner pain, and insecurities, without judging the other one's, and remind the other person to simply state their desires, closeness or distance needed, with an understanding and acceptance of each person's avoidant patterns, while mutually agreeing to challenge them safely within the love of the rltnshp. Still a very delicate dance, but with those very special and loving times, although only intermittent and fleeting, it WAS beautiful. The thing is after having them, I only wanted more of them, when he was happy to have gotten away clean after experiencing one! Tragic.

[@jlgotera1]

I ended it with my avoidant for the millionth time, in the past two years of the roller coaster of what is going on and challenging obstacles to get to the bottom of what is going on.. Finally he tells me he is dismissive avoidant and he doesn't know what he wants. He did say he sees me as a secure attachment, but little to no effort is being initiated to just hang out and interact on a friendly, with benefits basis. That is fine that you are not ready for commitment and neither am I, but two years of back and forth and finally speaking the situation, why can't we just be friends? is it really all or nothing with dismissive?? The amount of drama that we have gone through, is not all for nothing. I don't want anything to do with him for a couple of years, because it is all or nothing and it is what it is. I am just glad that we have had communication about where we are.. I am not interested in just communicating with him for shallow sexual encounters, but I did elaborate that I would like to still be around that person. SOOOOO..... all in all, no communication for years is the best answer; until he comes around.

[@jlgotera1]

@@luminiial I definite relate to what you are saying here. I speak my mind to him and I have reached that point, in fact 6 months ago when I wrote this that I know I am not expecting anything from him. I have said that to him and we just talk now; he opens up to me and we are like friends now. No sex.

[@jlgotera1]

Tremendous progress. You can tell by how I am very disinterested he tries hard. But I am not convinced. Sorry boo. I don’t chase. Not doing. Not ever

[@jlgotera1]

@@luminiial I am just going to talk to him. No sexual talk. No meeting up. Just someone to talk to. No matter how much he tries to convince me otherwise. Nope.

[@jlgotera1]

@@luminiial My fearful avoidant is coming around again. He came and met me for lunch at work. He can’t even look at me in my eyes when he talks To me. He is afraid to have sex. It’s so weird. He says our relationship is different. I don’t get what that means. He says he doesn’t want me to leave and he doesn’t want to leave neither. But have to be patient. He says he has no idea how to be in a relationship at all. Like he feels like it is overwhelming to stay on top of people interaction. He said he has problems with discussing his issues with his therapists; they are like “what are you so afraid of?”” He came over to my house and we talked and he was like I don’t feel you listen to me. But he wants to be around me. What in the world is wrong with Jekyll and Hyde?! Hahaha that’s what I call him. Too bad he is a basket case. HHahaha. He is big and tall. Mmmm….. just one of the finest guys I have ever been with !! We haven’t hooked up in 6 months. I have never been in this situation with a guy, But dudes seriously have this problem with me. I just enjoy being friends with him and just talking. Any kind of relationship is hard for him. I have even said let’s just keep it at a text thing. I don’t care.

[@jlgotera1]

wouldn't this attachment theory be great as a play .. like something's gotta give movie ?! its funny, but it's not.. the irony of relationships and its complications educated in a play.. i bring up something's gotta give, because the main male character was a prime example of avoidant and the main female character was of pure anxious attachment.. wow!!! the neurological significance of how avoidant partners minds play out within interactions of the opposite side of the spectrum, you have to admit is quite fascinating, yet exhausting.. I hung out with my avoidant partner last week and the characterization of his hot and cold was just so evident,, as oppose to how we were talking a week from that date.. He was so fixated on how he wanted to play basketball and practice, but was developing this anxiety over following up with our plans that night.. like bro, go ahead and go, its fine.. he just doesn't know how to separate or detach the feeling of engulfment when it comes to me.. it's the oddest thing ever.. it is pure neurologically challenging for him and that is why i am remaining a support system for him and detaching wayyyyy back my emotions and feelings for him, due to his inability to establish emotional maturity. you cant condemn someone when they are present. its baby steps in communnication. :))) Oye vey!!!

[@otterchaos666]

I love the example you gave about how to initiate a co-creative dialogue about exclusivity.

[@noone-mg3qn]

I’ve had 4 dates with a guy in a week. He seemed really excited about seeing me but also appeared shy. After the 4th date he told me he has commitment issues and we ended it and i was left really confused. The first 40 seconds of this video describes our dating experience exactly. I was genuienly shocked that she got everything perfectly right.

[@kilssj2250]

12:20 - I'm gonna need to use this down the road. So, I'm bookmarking this now and saving this video. Thank you ^_^

[@cherisew]

In the summary, you mentioned that DA’s will be with people they aren’t really that into, to keep distance in a way. So, in turn does they mean they avoid people they actually are into emotionally? Like “ oh no, I like this person “ too much” or have feelings for them so I need to stay away”? Because they may feel pressure from those feelings

[@sugarshannie623]

Yes.

[@aliciaarroyo6]

I wish I would have seen this a few weeks ago. Just broke it off with a guy I really loved because I couldn’t do casual sex anymore. I wanted a relationship and him not being sure about it made me super insecure if his feelings for me were genuine. I do think they were I just couldn’t understand why someone would say they love you but not commit. Relationships are too confusing for me. I always feel like people are using me.

[@itsbritneybby]

ive just posted on here about my ex but he dumped me, he wouldnt ever say we were bf and gf yet he would tell me all the time he was in love with me and we were exclusive, im the same hun i always feel used aswell :/ how are u now?

[@timetraveler1976]

I have been through this too trust me it wont change. they will keep you at arms length for years and years and you will lose yourself and end up a mess. That burning feeling in your chest/gut... That is telling you get out. He will try to ease it for you will let your guard down and he will let you down again. Tell you what you need to hear and they think they mean it. As soon as things are going well they will yank that rug... You cannot be happy with a man like this. Please don't drag it out and save yourself years.

[@TheFishinDad]

I'm dealing with this now except when I brought up a committed relationship she pulled away hard. I also don't understand "I love you but..."

[@SuperLe3]

@@itsbritneybby 😂q

[@littledevil8146]

Good view! That's why it's hard for us, anxious preoccupied, to understand avoidants. When we like someone, we want to be fully commited to this person, we want marry them etc. We need to understand, that avoidant person might not to want this, and it doesn't mean they use us and don't enjoy our company.

[@hopehealthhappiness5080]

I can’t tell if my ex was a tad avoidant or if he just really valued his independence and I have an anxious attachment style that didn’t breed room for that much independence.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Hope Health happiness thank you for watching and for commenting. You might find this video helpful. Secure Attachment vs. Avoidant Attachment, How to Tell The Difference? kzbin.info/www/bejne/l6CpiXejp82kmrs

[@acharich]

Hmm, I've wondered that about some past interactions too.. 💭

[@TheCoffeeCat]

My DA showed visible discomfort when I asked him if we could call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. He said "I did not take you for someone who cared for labels". But then, he was always as romantic as a hammer. Of course marriage was off the table, and even commitment rings were not an option for him. He says he does not agree with following societal expectations, but I get a distinct whiff of Fear of Commitment No. 5 from him. Interestingly, he was adamant that, if I ever decided to uproot my life and move to his city (which I did), I should live in his apartment and not have my own place (which is what I'd rather have done, but didn't). Maybe for a readier access to the booty? Not that he initiates much. Who knows?

[@newley67]

this makes me uncomfortable because it's so similar to what I deal with.

[@gavinbrooke]

Listen to the never-ending stream of rationalizations. They really don't get it since they are completely unaware of what's happening inside so they externalize their discomfort by making excuses for their deeply buried fears. Run. Run far, far away.

[@Stevengomez-j6q]

How are things going so far? Any updates on the relationship? Are you guys still together? YOG

[@Dana-oo9kp]

This is great material. And you are truly brilliant. But sadly, I’m still confused. Lol

[@ivy3839]

Same

[@PS-xb9hc]

If you guys are confused that means it's better not to get in there. I got involved with a DA and ended up getting hurt.

[@patrickbonham949]

Dana...🧐🤔😁😁

[@mer-ced-es]

I'm FA and fell for this guy on first conversation (never happened to me before). He displayed some DA behavior during the relationship but what was I supposed to do? Couldn't state my feelings bc I knew they would drive him away and I'd feel more devastatingly rejected.

[@djenning90]

I feel like you made this piece specifically for me… it speaks precisely to my situation. Thank you!

[@leanng.6110]

Awesome video-I watched parts of it multiple times so I could really understand the nuances

[@nonjenkins3237]

This was really insightful. Thank you.

[@ruachunchained]

Im so tired of being told Im not worth loving

[@yenyrivas7974]

I met this guy three months ago. He didn't open up to me but he would be in contact every day. When I asked him about commitment he said he liked me and liked spending time with me but he wasn't ready for a relationship. He thanked for my honesty. I suggested to keep a friendship and he agreed but we havent talked since then. I am an anxious person and really thought he liked me, i even felt it but now i'm not sure...

[@alpina4115]

How did it turn out? Sounds like it wouldn't work out sadly

[@yenyrivas7974]

@@alpina4115 it's a weird pseudo- relationship. He doesnt want a relationship, we decided to keep it friendly, but we are not friends either. Everytime we are together we keep acting as a couple, and I don't know why, but I'm sure there's no other women so I don't know where this is going. All I know is that I need to feel more secure and I'm trying to work on that.

[@senoraespinosa6176]

@@yenyrivas7974 hi how is it going...ur update (any hope) i'm living that right now. I just found out about this. I'm blown away, I know I need security. His 42 divorced yrs ago. He said the word exclusive or any talk about relationship scares him away. It's hard to even sit and talk to him he shuts me out. I need to understand how to get through to him.... without scaring him. I also want to feel safe to tell him needs 2. Set boundaries and not feel like a slut cuz he will have sex then never hold me after. Help me.. i'm trying

[@yenyrivas7974]

@@senoraespinosa6176 at the end, it didn't work out. We stopped talking and he deleted me from social media. I didn't do anything wrong.. it's just he didn't want a relationship and wanted to date several people. He had a kind of passive agressive behaviour towards me so I told him I didn't want to be around a person like that. He never talked to me again and neither did I.

[@sal2975]

@@yenyrivas7974 Was he a villian?

[@Ingrafre]

You are sooo pretty and funny (Enchilada) and wise, Briana. Thank you!

[@suzywilliams4424]

Thank you for spelling this out! I've been stumbling through this question myself with a couple of guys recently and been coming out of the situations with lots of bruises as i try to understand whats been going on.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

suzy williams Thank you for watching and for commenting with a bit of your experience. Much appreciated.

[@Cookies-f7v]

Super helpful. What happens if we are both avoidant? I used to have an avoidant partner (being avoidant myself), and we just kept braking up with each other for no obvious reasons, then struggled and awkwardly kinda got back together, no labels attached, simply to find ourselves a few weeks later both panicking and feeling like the other person is not giving in to this relationship. And braking up again. Sometimes I feel like he loves me so much, and in his vulnerable moments he tells me I’m the most important person for him right now but next moment he stops calling for two weeks. Could you please make a video about relationships like this?

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for commenting. I’m glad the content is helpful. I think you might appreciate these videos. [1 of 5] The Anxious Avoidant Trap: A Case of Like Sees Like kzbin.info/www/bejne/r36yoZeAgpiCqpY Secure Attachment vs. Avoidant Attachment, How to Tell The Difference? kzbin.info/www/bejne/l6CpiXejp82kmrs

[@acharich]

😅😅😅

[@graesonhowland7127]

Hey Brianna! Would love to hear your take on different modalities and how they work with attachment (CBT, Somatic, Gestalt, Attachment Focused, IFS etc...)

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Grace and Trauma Thank you for watching and for commenting. This is a good question, and I will keep it in mind.

[@rebeccamiddour7812]

So what if you have planted the commitment question seed with a rolling stone and they won't have the conversation for two months plus? I even asked if they weren't feeling the same way to give them an "out" and received no direct answer. Is it time to set a hard boundary and say "I'm not interested in a casual relationship so I have to walk away now since you can't give me an answer?" Or am I being impatient?

[@holocene.]

How did that go? I'm in the same situation. I feel like it'll just push her further away or I risk losing everything, so I'm just trying to be patient. Is it futile to be patient though?

[@alpina4115]

@@holocene. if you don't feel good about it, stop waiting and make your decision. How did it turn out?

[@jessd956]

Any update? Hope you’re doing well.

[@paulakneifel7449]

I just went through this after wasting 10 years of my life on a guy like this. I finally did what u said and he turned around and said I was pushing him. A month later he just disappeared and never even cared to say it’s over. I don’t feel good at all but I’m doing my best to move forward and never allow myself to believe words over actions again. These types are just plain selfish liars who don’t care about anyone else so I’d advise you to get away now.

[@ko6957]

So (1) how do you know the difference between an avoidant and a malignant narcassist...(2) as much as we try to say casual sex can b unattached and fun, as humans with a spiritual component, sex is emotional even for men UNLESS we have things going on from our past so can you develop point #3 a little more? How someone can enjoy someone and sex and essentially not bond and want more. In working with people, I only see this because of history, not because any human soul is organically designed this way, and (3) how do people, typical open hearts who truly come from lifelong backgrounds of abuse who have no family, who no matter how kind cannot seem to form DEEP friendships...not just romantic...for a support system that is SINCERE like all people require to eliminate isolation and depression when everything else in life is fulfilling and successful? This is a basic and fundamental need we require as humans and should b born into but how do you build it when it wasn't? And when subconscious needs are to build a family through friendships? Thank you!!!

[@acharich]

The lines seem quite blurred as I was wondering the same.. 💭

[@AmandaMG6]

I... am not so into parts of this. I think as much as someone can say “I’m not looking for a relationship” early on, I can also say “no friends with benefits, thx” and that doesn’t mean that I want to get married or stop knowing them either. That’s not anxious attachment. That’s knowing what I do and don’t want

[@acharich]

So what do u actually want..? 💭

[@trenicejohnson15]

The whole point she was making was boundaries. If you don’t want to be friends with benefits, say that and mean it.

[@BroLeaf1911]

youll know when a avoidant likes you they come on strong and hard and I'm a anxious saying that

[@lynnlea3438]

I still don't know HOW I know if someone is just not into me or is avoidance attachment ? I don't think your video helped me because I still don't have an answer. Maybe we can't have a definitive answer ?

[@diannedekeyser3136]

How long do I have to be string with this bullshit? You think 5 years is enough? He actually bought an engagement ring this summer 2023, but got cold feet. He’s 76 and I’m 66. Good lord.

[@thefitdoc51]

A guy and i really hit it off like we were soulmates and we were even talkiing about travelling and about future a little bit. I was even intimate with him. After 4 months I expressed my feelings about the potential of our relationship in a non scary way, twice. and asked him his thoughts on it. He said no at first giving 100 excuses why he can't see us together in future. He appreciated my honesty and after 2 months he finally asked me out on a date. Its been almost 2 months since that date and he is in touch with me a little bit not much. He hasn't confirmed any dates after that. Is he avoidant or just not interested anymore?

[@omegaferretjr]

Thank you so much for posting this video. Unbelievably helpful.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

I am glad you find the content helpful! Thanks for commenting

[@taylorellis4336]

The guy I was involved with was the one who wanted the relationship I just wanted to go slow and see where things went . But once we got into the relationship he pressured he didn’t really wanna open up to me . Things where great in person but we where considerate long distance so I wanted communication and affection and he didn’t give me that . He told me when he gets stressed and depressed he pushes people away. I tried to be understanding with this gave him a week to himself but it continued to not communicate with me like we where together than taking hours to respond I expressed to him so me times that I needed affection and better communication and nothing changed so I said something once more and he didn’t say anything than I asked him is he done or what and his response was this :To be honest. I am done. Not to make it sound mean I am sorry. I tried to be into it and all but I'm not. If u want to be friends im good with that..... I just don’t believe that he just wasn’t into it I think it might have been someone else in the picture but when it gets to real for him he bults that’s why I believe he has avoidant attachment

[@gina1784]

sounds familiar and after saying im done they seem to keep reappearing

[@sxylala74]

I swear I'm going through this exact stuff with the guy I'm with! 1 week without seeing him & when we text, he's playing the victim, saying I did this or I did that, but not acknowledging my reactions were a response to his actions of being distant. I've communication on every single level possible & even tried apologizing for his sensitivity due to my not responding, to his vague texts. His text, for example: " I am home" at 5:30pm after not texting or talking on the phone ALL DAY since 6:30am! I ignored it cause he ignored my AM text & yet somehow he deflected it into me being the bad guy, ignoring him. I am done as of today 10/29/20!

[@leslieleah5464]

Hmmm I highly doubt there’s someone in the picture ... he may have gotten uncomfortable or something after y’all had get so close , could be fearful avoidance .

[@ivia_ol8356]

@@leslieleah5464 Fearfuls are very honest and no sugarcoating. If they want to be out they'll tell you straight up.

[@uniquedavenport7232]

That's a common theme with avoidants they randomly drop you and make excuses that dont make any sense instead of saying they need space then they try to come back as though nothing happened or matters they are very confusing individuals unless they are willing and aware of their attachment style leave him behind most avoidants lack boundries outside of themselves and see no problem with causally just sleeping together as friends for years they are good for surface level relationships anything deeper and their out the door intimacy to them is threatening to their wellbeing its actually very sad a lot of them dont want to be that way

[@christhecritic375]

OMG I want this woman as my therapist

[@joeytribbianicore]

9:01 but how can someone be secure if they know you have strong feelings for them, and they aren't being 100% honest about not feeling the same way?? Wouldn't a secure person know it wasn't healthy and end it immediately?

[@photographylover87]

Yes, a secure person would end it immediately. I have yet to meet a secure person, myself included.

[@dunpop8323]

Wow such an amazing analysis thank you 🙏🏾

[@nullavitasinemusica1]

How do I know if he has an avoidant attachment style or is just immature??? I dated a guy after being friends for months He was about to turn 23 Never had a relationship before When I wanted to it into an official relationship He started !crying! confessed that he loved but that he cant have a relationship Mainly bc he is really scared Before we had the talk, he was acting like my boyfriend already Talking about his family Other private stuff He was also afraid that I wouldn't talk to him anymore after he said he cant commit He also asked me to promise him to try it later again It's also worth mentioning that i didnt know different attachment styles existed And until i discovered the issue and listened to your videos I had no idea what was going on But everything points toward more He got really really into me But that made him scared and he needed to run away He himself said later When things should have evolved he just was scared

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Tales Of Color thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your experience. Certainly there are developmental factors that play into our growth as human beings in general. Attachment styles are in play when you notice patterns of behavior that appeared to be somewhat compulsive and impair functioning in relationships. Usually insecure attachment styles are marked by persistent negative beliefs and scarcity attitudes about love and our capacity for healthy relationships. It’s one thing to say that, “I’m young and not ready for a deeply intimate romantic commitment at this time in my life,” versus, “I love you but I can’t have you because I’m convinced I will sabotage anything good in my life, but you should wait around for when I think I could be ready...” I hope it helps.

[@acharich]

Whew.. 💣

[@tele634]

What confuses me is the jealousy and hurt they express if I show connection with other women. She doesn't want me but she doesn't want anyone else to have me

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I don’t want to label the relationship right away.

[@Summer-tk8yk]

I like this content being objective.

[@Claribel42]

Wow wow 😮!!! This video is amazing!!! True number 3 That last part is just me; true number 3 that’s me and my guy

[@TeresaTaylorMusic]

Wow you’re good 😳

[@PolaCaKe890]

Thus video was a great explanation about my own insecure anxious attachment. Thats crazy id def tag it as such or something.

[@TheSayLifeCoach]

WOW. You were on point, girl. Very informative video!

[@aix83]

It doesn't feel like this answers the premise question, what's the behavioral difference between an avoidant and someone not interested. It's important, because maybe a DA is worth waiting for, whereas someone not interested is not.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for posing your question. Really the point of this film is to show you that You cannot make any judgments based on behavior or even attachment style really, initially, because behaviors can be sourced from a variety of places. What you want to look at are the underlying and intangible motivations. The sources that compel behavior. And see beyond the illusion of labels, including attachment styles.

[@drewphoria8001]

This whole video was very helpful.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Glad it was helpful!

[@drewphoria8001]

You mentioned the part where you express your interest for a deeper relationship and their initial response is a hard no. But that you may have planted a seed and they will be checking in that seed to see if it’s consistent and you need to stay consistent to build trust. This seems to contradict advice to go no contact with them. Can you do a video that explains the balance of providing distance and maintaining enough proximity to build trust for an eventual opening up of vulnerability. Thanks.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I would try the slow and steady approach to dating.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I want to read the whole consumer report before I buy the whole enchilada.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I want to keep my options open.

[@denisejaydub]

You are a genius ❤️

[@Binny2014]

Someone I thought was a DA broke off a 6 month situationship with me as she wasn’t into me. So how do you know? The break was cold (by text) and a couple of post break messages were very dismissive of what we actually had together.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. A breakup via text and dismissive messages afterward can feel devastating, especially if you thought there was something deeper between you two. Sometimes the way someone ends things reveals more about their own emotional limitations than it does about what you shared. Understanding attachment styles can offer insights, but emotions can be complex and challenging to decode. Take this time to reflect on what you need and deserve in a relationship, as painful as the present moment might be. 🌹

[@jaisway]

I'm an avoidant but I let it be known up front.... how you choose beyond that is on you. I'm aware and upfront about the fact I do not want a commitment. I do enjoy being social and getting out but not all the time. I'm overly involved in my own life and hobbies I find more enjoyable in life. Maybe one day it will change but I don't like the feeling of being obligated or on another's agenda.

[@jessenoelle262]

I just love your content and methods. Videos like this really help to clarify the traps or pitfalls in my own perspective. I recognize that I have these attachment injuries and that my way of relating has been shaped by them. And along with that awareness comes this desire to not only to be more conscious of how I operate, but also to learn how to change some of these less healthy/helpful ways that I either tend to show up in or think about relationship. I'm so incredibly greatful for your channel. Thank you for your dedication to sharing your insight and helping folks like me figure out how to navigate love and relationship w/ self and others 💕

[@madelinebrennan7603]

intelligent feedback! i appreciate it!

[@fnhs90]

How would a secure respond to the expression of intentions and expectations?

[@GeorgideMarne]

In my view, with acknowledgement of the situation, stating his/her intentions and being open to find a middle ground. Not defensiveness, deflection, fear, minimizing or delaying the discussion.

[@chrisbigarani1691]

@@GeorgideMarne Ah, sounds so logical, and straight forward... Healthy!

[@nullavitasinemusica1]

@@GeorgideMarne yeah that's what i would do

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

fnhs90 Thank you for watching and for commenting. I would agree with the statements above. Typically someone with a secure attachment would be willing and able to engage in a conversation around intentions and expectations, Whether or not they agree with what is expressed by the other.

[@acharich]

@@GeorgideMarne 💯💯💯💯💯

[@karlashmeedavlasta6365]

There is this DA ex partner, who stays in my orbit...Never committed, always pretended to be so autonomous....The longer I watch her, the more I discover, that these are all myths. She cannot do anything on her own..she always invites herself to gatherings....as a matter of fact, she is not as free and intependent as she made me believe.

[@PriyankaGupta-ew1li]

Avoidants are not independent at all.. They all are narcissistic and hv a bunch of people in rotation for them!

[@karlashmeedavlasta6365]

@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li yeah....and then they say, you are the clingy one ... And you believe it! 😬

[@fishred6721]

Thank you for such an excellent explanation.

[@Sarablueunicorn]

I'm super anxious, I have GAD. But I don't seek relationships and fireworks, I never experience fireworks just anxiety

[@broletaso]

Probably you won’t read this but I hope you do. My partner and I are engaged. Since the beginning I noticed she was different in the way she expressed her feelings. After dating for 4 months she had some serious changes in her life due to her family problems. She lives somewhere else and we are in a long distance relationship, for me it was hard to talk to her it was mostly me talking, one day her had a rough conversation about her and something we couldn’t agreed on, I took us 2 days. Now she’s been asking for space, sometimes she is really far from me emotionally speaking and she shared with that she has this style. I’m confused right now, how do I know if it is true?

[@ArmaAutomotive]

Are you still engaged and in a ldr? I wasn’t aware that long distance relationships are viable. Do you have plans to move closer together? We’re you the one that brought up marriage?

[@chrisbigarani1691]

Fascinating! Is the rolling stone usually more in touch with their feelings and their desires than they let on? Does being asked for clarification irk them, feel like pressure to them, or cause them to see us open hearts as needy? Or are they ok with it?

[@GeorgideMarne]

As a former rolling stone for 20 years, I can tell you that asking for clarifications and open discussions was what I wished happened, but from a Confident stance of stating their needs as anxious persons. The issue is that most open hearts do not communicate their wants and need, and avoid conflict, which builds resentment in them, and it is that resentmnt that is off putting to others.

[@chrisbigarani1691]

@@GeorgideMarne Thank you for your insights. I have found that it is such a delicate dance. As an open heart, I have made mistakes focusing more on the rolling stone's choices, making deductions that he must prefer/love that person/people more bcuz that's who he chooses to spend his time with. I wish I cld have seen how it was just easier for him bcuz there was no real threat of loss with those people, as there was if he lost me, AND THEY, (like I), loved the spontaneous, fun person he could be. Yet stl it was hard watching him choose to spend time with others, and making more memories with them, and not with me. And I wish I cld have let him simply know my desire/wish to just be with him, doing pretty much anything, without any relaying of hurt feelings, which I think was too much for him to contend with, but after 9 years, the "feeling" of repeated rejection and abandonment just got to be too much. It felt very personal. I didn't yet know about these attachment types. But I DO recall being called "needy" or "nosy" when I was just trying to figure out how to be a part of his fun. I really just wanted to be part of the preferred company he chose, and I rarely ever got to feel like his "special one." I think I know he loved me, and vice versa, but we cldnt figure out how to speak our own needs with kindness and dignity, while letting the other person know they were perfectly fine being who they were...in fact, it's the very reason we loved each other... It's an art that takes practice I think. But it's sad when two hearts can't make it work out with who they love...yet again.

[@elle381]

@@GeorgideMarne sometimes it seems that way but other times, I get stonewalled for being so direct. There will be a "distraction" and perfect good explanation for no reply or Ill get none and if he is annoyed, he just shuts off for the night. I don't feel like I have the right to be direct, no matter how gentle I am or what open communication tools I use. Especially lately he gets triggered. He even confessed this week to wanting me to be there for a private family gathering he specifically told me not to come to, ignored my calls and all. I wanted to AA and just go because I just knew he needed me and tried to communicate this and that being shut out hurt. It just pissed him off and he got kind of mean. Now its 8 months later and some of whats going on now is because of his secret need back then. I just don't understand how to get through and back to some sort of consistency and even flowing openness. I've held my tongue a lot and back offed but as an AA, this is hell

[@yveqeshy]

@@GeorgideMarne I agree on the part of rolling stones being clarity seekers however they may hold back in asking for that clarity for fear of being considered bad, FAs generally have a deep fear in establishing boundaries because it makes them feel unsafe. Open hearts also are always on people pleasing mode so asking for heir needs to be met means potential abandonment/ conflict which they fear

[@goldy140]

This is my issue too, I dont know my guy is Fearful avoidant + BPD traits or doesnt love me only seriously. He has BPD traits & FA signs as I understood since our 1 & a half years we knew eachother. He breakup with me for triggers or assumptions, rarely rebound & always come back to me with regret & love.

[@AmericanDreamer]

people typically do NOT avoid, what they like, want and cherish/deem precious,

[@matthewcuriel991]

The part where you say people can say they like you and not want what you want ... theres part of your justifying i dont agree with. You were making it out like its a bad thing people say 'thwy have enough friends' in response to a romantic rejection. Thats actually a VERY healthy response. Usually the dumper trying to reject you and still be around you is just shifting your goal post to something you literally cant go back to. And if you choose to stay around you just subject yourself to emotional sabotage ... and if thats not true you probably never really liked the person romantically and just saw them as a sex object so maybe in that case its easy to be secure. You should have self respect and find relationships that fit your feelings. And that are mutual. Not hold on to people just because you both care but dont have mutual affection. Thats no longer friendship and that just means yall should have respect for yourselves and love each other from a distance.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching in for sharing your experience and perspective. This is certainly a reflection of a part of the process that many people experience. However, gently, I would offer that there is another part of the process, where we become so masterful and in command of our emotional boundaries, that we can shift our expectations and intensity of romantic focus, and come to realize that friendship is just another expression of love. When you are able to wield this type of subtle control, over the flow of emotional energy through your body, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, and it does not pain you, to choose to experience love in a different container with the same person. If we are not able to do this, however, it doesn’t mean that we are more or less enlightened, or somehow more or less healed. Knowing if this is in-service of our greatest good, in the phase of growth we currently inhabit, is part of that growing self-awareness. However, it is possible, and usually only after we stop, forcing ourselves to feel what we think we “should.”

[@FollowingJesus17]

Well I am just a month and a week into a relationship with a avoidant. and I'm thinking of doing the same. Calling it off 📴 Is avoidant only sees me once in a blue moon only messages me once they leaves large gaps between messages and make some excuses and say "sorry I replied late" With no reason. I just feel like it's really annoying.. frustrating and makes me feel unwanted. Send me a good morning message and I hear nothing for 24 h and then does the same thing the next morning. Crumbs crumbs crumbs

[@KJ27a939]

It only gets worse. Please leave while you have your self esteem intact

[@FollowingJesus17]

@@KJ27a939 I'm not ready to leave him because at the moment there's no one else. And I was single for four years I'm tired of endless dates with no consistency. This guy is very introverted and avoidant but at least he sends me messages daily. I've called in my boyfriend and we said we are in. Relationship.. I know it sounds very desperate but that is the truth. I'm sure at some point it will run its course but not yet . I must be a sucker for suffering. Because I'm suffering daily

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

I hear you, the "breadcrumbing" can be incredibly frustrating and make you question your worth in the relationship. If you're feeling consistently neglected and unwanted, it might be a sign that the relationship isn't meeting your needs. Avoidants often struggle with intimacy and may not even recognize how their behavior impacts you. But it's essential to remember that their actions are about them and their issues, not a reflection of your worth. You have every right to desire a relationship where you feel seen, heard, and valued. If talking to your partner about this doesn't prompt change, it might be time to consider whether this relationship is serving you. Trust your instincts. 💫

[@SurlyMontanan]

I’m in a long distance relationship with a chemo patient. It started so intensely. Over the course of her treatment she has grown colder and colder and I have grown more anxious and drained. I wonder what will happen when her treatment ends... any thoughts would be appreciated.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for commenting and sharing a bit of your story. While attachment styles may be in operation, I believe there is also an element of grief and loss here that she is going through, which is likely not about you or the relationship, and so you are feeling shut out of her process. If you can hold a sovereign stance of not needing so much from her while she is already feeling depleted, you may find her coming around to you because what she needs more than anything is quiet stillness. The best way fo you to accomplish that, is to fall back on your own resources and do what makes you happy. That is really the best gift you can give her. I hope it helps.

[@acharich]

That can't be easy at all, how's it going..? 💭

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I have an Avoidant Attachment Style.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I want a relationship with someone, but I guess I’m confused too.

[@gc3785]

Thank you, this is helpful!

[@aflyisonthewall]

Can you make a video for anxious avoidant poeple to be less avoidant? Why not go to the root of the problem? Thanks!

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for commenting. There are several videos on my channel that address this topic. If you go to the playlist on "Avoidance FAQs" you will find several. I also talk about this on my playlist "Attachment Basics" specifically for the "Avoidant Attachment 101" video and the "Strengths of the Avoidant Rolling Stone" Video. There is another video on the difference between fearful and dismissive avoidance here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJ6Ud5mAlK-boM0 If you want to know about "anxious-avoidance" specifically, that is more "fearful avoidance" or "disorganized attachment" which you will also learn about in those playlists. To further your understanding, you can also purchase an online course through my website, brianamacwilliam.com. Or take the quiz, indicated in the caption of this video. Best!

[@c.deezie-4-sheezie999]

If an avoidant person is more likely to commit to someone who they are not that into to reduce the chance that they feel emotionally threatened or losing control, then how will their partner know if the avoidant has true feelings for them or if they are just settling for them because they pose no threat to the avoidant person's emotional/intimacy fears? Or does it mean that the avoidant doesn't and can't have true feelings or love for anyone? That's kinda sh***y for the person who is with the avoidant. It's like they don't love you they just like you enough because you love them and they don't have to give it back while they get their needs met.

[@clownworld4655]

I’m pretty confused. Met a girl that was super into me and asked me out. Date went well yet she ghosted me afterwards. I asked her out for a second date a week ago and never got a response so I deleted her and can never contact her again if she doesn’t reach out. I’m probably jumping to this conclusion to cope with the fact that I was likely just thrown out like trash, but she did show several signs of being DA. Either way as far as I’m aware letting her reach back out to me (if she ever does) is the best option regardless of if she’s actually interested or not. I’m pretty DA leaning towards secure myself (my whole family is distant with each other) so I get it