#4 Cycle of Insecurely Attached Relationships (Codependency & Love Addiction) Part 4

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@HugDealer]

WOW. This video is a masterpiece. So many incredibly deep points. Thank you so much. I will watch it again and again to absorb the content!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Masterpiece? Thanks!

[@1ntuitive]

Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist Yes, this definitely is a masterpiece. I’ve never heard some describe this cycle the way you did with honesty, clarity and some humor. Powerful life changing info in these videos. I had no idea this was a pattern

[@IndagoChild143]

I honestly can't believe you just explained the story of my last relationship. Even down to googling his personality traits and labeling him a narcissist! This is life changing. Wow thank you much for taking the time to make these videos.

[@Leona.luna8]

After I realized that my ex and I were both emotionally unavailable this happened and IT IS super painful. I started to feel like a mom to him. Change didn’t happen and we broke up after a few months of this never ending cycle. Now I am working on myself and healing. My goal is to be securely attached :)

[@JennyThuman]

I've been silently watching all of your videos for months and it finally dawned on me to say THANK YOU for your videos. You are so wonderful and magical and insightful. The way you explain these ideas and concepts so clearly and in such accuracy, and detail, and with such compassion is a gift you have. It's really special and thank you for sharing it. Thank you so much for these videos and healing and for your community online and the work you do. I've been watching your videos for months and still manage to be blown away by the insight on each one I open. You are a treasure :)

[@Stellabyestarlight]

YESSSSS He’s a gift from above✨

[@shelleycobb4940]

Yes Answered so many questions

[@penelopelambson9128]

Jennifer Thuman they hit home, don’t they?

[@desiree4535]

Jennifer Thuman I second everything you said, and must say I really miss Alan. He hasn’t uploaded in a while and I really miss this kind of content. He really is one of a kind

[@jessiew4103]

ouch, I definitely do so many of the things mentioned here and I didnt even realize it. I do it "nicely" and I sound intelligent and composed while doing it as to make it appear healthier than it is.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

Wow, Alan. I have watched your incredibly accurate and honest videos for a long time, but this has to be your masterpiece. I thank you and congratulate you. I would do well to watch this one every single remaining day of my life. (Please don't stop making these.)

[@booksboardsbich]

It's true, comedy is the best medicine sometimes.

[@nanettecostanza537]

Absolutely! I laughed out loud with the joy of freedom!

[@mousseva]

Black comedy

[@jomurray8940]

You are such a delight! The fact that you can make us laugh at our own dysfunction yet providing us with spot on insight. You are such a great human, Alan.

[@musicXpam]

"...and we can go on a vacation tl Bermuda!" LOL thanks for using humour through such a deep and sensitive topic

[@harmonyv1736]

I Love Your Work!! Your So Honest & You Always Post Videos When I Need Direction

[@jeffgowen4659]

Thank you so much! You just cleared up about 5 years of confusion and suffering for us. We both now feel as though we can move forward. This was word for word. Thank you thank you thank you for doing what you do.

[@LaliTheCatwoman]

I cannot thank you enough for this...I am so grateful for finding your channel!

[@Gwen13061]

How do we know that emotional connection we're longing for is not that existential hole in our hearts we cannot fill?

[@mireillelebeau2513]

Gwen13061, In part, it is and on the other hand it could add joy and a sense of togetherness in your life

[@FollowingJesus17]

Of course it is

[@kenediii_ryan]

Mind. Blown.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Loss of the hope of emotional closeness causes such deep grief.

[@markchristopher2509]

Scary deep grief

[@Serenitytil-5]

Yeah, I’m a codependent with being emotionally unavailable and attracting the same and wondering why I’m suffering so much and it’s not working. Thank you so much for this amazing content! I’m actively healing with a therapist but this is gold!

[@ashliadams9585]

You have changed my life in just the few days I’ve been watching your videos! Thank you!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad my work brings benefit. Thank you for valuing my effort. This is also something that comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@nanettecostanza537]

BRILLIANT! when CLARITY hits you like a rock to your head!!!! Ok...a boulder! Yay FREEDOM!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Nanette, Yes, many of us can relate to this. The rock feels like a boulder! We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@rrr-kv2qy]

wow wow! this is so unbelievably and painfully true. I have been doing this. I see my part. we have been doing this awful dance for six years. and he, the "narcissist, manipulator" etc., has been telling me that I cannot change him.. I can only change myself... he will never change, that this is who he is... touche. I see this and I agree this will not change. the other side of it is that he has been waiting for me to also do certain things to change. we are equally in that Chinese lock... that old toy that fits on your finger so you can't get out of it. It may need to be cut off.

[@rrr-kv2qy]

Alan, so is it only with certain people that this happens? my 26-year marriage certainly felt a lot more healthy than this though it was not perfect.

[@rrr-kv2qy]

Alan I have 2 questions that arise out of this and it is not how to fix the relationship because it is not fixable but I think that we know when it is and when it is not. That's the healthy part of me speaking LOL. 1) how do we not recreate the dance with somebody else? and that leads to your comments about healthy relating and what is healthy. I almost said how do we not pick the same kind of partner again but I don't know if that's the question anymore. 2) what about when the other person is actually doing those things... are you saying that it is not valid or right to discuss those things... or is it just doing them in perpetuity and not taking ownness and decision-making on when to leave the relationship or not.. I am guessing actually it's the second part of my own question... I am having trouble with this because in my own case I am running up against the shock, the constant shock that there is no emotional satisfaction coming and I keep checking and wondering how it could not.

[@LadyRed18102]

Wow this changed everything for me! My mind is blown on the accuracy

[@melly2331]

Alan, I have been binge watching your content for the last week or so. And I feel like you know every private thought I’ve had and explained every single one of my behaviors in the relationship I’ve been in for the last 10 years in detail. I am moved, and also, frightened by all of this. I now have a direction in which to go and hope I can make a loving, compassionate and kind decision for myself and my partner. Thank you for your content and presentation. It has been a form of solace for me these days.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

That's wonderful. Thanks for the supportive words. Since you value the content and receive benefit, then please consider joining us in the membership community. It's a way to support the work, ensure future video offerings, and also invest in your self-directed healing work. We are a group of kind, supportive, like-minded folks who want to change old patterns of relating. Here is more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@catielove5096]

Thanks for the laughter! Helps to bring ease to the hard work. Feeling grateful to be part of this community.

[@jasonguerrero5476]

Damn Bruh- 23:30-28:43. you were on ABSOLUTE fire. you were channeling art. this was goosebump worthy. like a freestyle rapper or first-chair violinist. I Just got out of a dynamic EXACTLY like this cycle of videos. luckily, it only lasted a month (though there is still risk of floating in the space of coming back together). Wish me luck!

[@debbiee.6333]

I really emphasize that if anyone is in withdrawal and shame based that they wait before listening to this. This is I feel too much to hear if you are in the throes of a love addiction detox withdrawal and hearing this might put you into guilt and shame and then “great ideas” might come up to “apologize” or contact an ex addictive partner because now you can admit that you were wrong also. I suggest listening to this when you’re done with the withdrawal and far into your codependency recovery. There has to be some inner and self strength to listen to this.

[@samanthaelliott6630]

Oh Alan. Always with such finesse, compassion and humor. This is like ....a song for my soul. Self knowledge can be such a very long road and I sincerely hope you know HOW MUCH your wisdome is needed and appreciated!!! Thank you thank you. And by the way, am creeping towards 6 months on such a dynamic and WILL be letting you know when I exit successfully. Thank you from the bottom of my heart xxx

[@theruminator7419]

I've spent the last six months essentially wishing that someone I 'fell for' was essentially someone else. I didn't try to change her in any way but I had to eventually accept the rejection and walk away. I couldn't face the prospect of banging my head off a brick wall forever. That would have been self-humiliating. A form of constant pleading. The situation was not helped by the fact that she is just so very beautiful in so many ways. Having said that, the almost constant unavailability and detachment was a form of mental torture for me. I felt like I was at a never-ending audition. Being alone is really no worse than being with her. The feeling is really the same. That fact is a small source of comfort for me. However, the experience did make me look inward and I am beginning to examine my own motivations and insecurities regarding intimate partners . It's all very heartbreaking. My mantra at the moment is that I would rather have a good relationship with myself (finally) than a bad relationship with somebody else, though I think it's going to take some time. Thank you Alan for your work. You are keeping me afloat.....

[@Neight0]

I respect and appreciate your sharing David, thank you... and indeed the clarity you seem to have on how you felt in the relationship. Also much respect for ending things, as I understand this is definitely not easy. (I can relate directly, as I have also just experienced essentially the same thing... Six months of hot/cold emotional unavailability and (self-inflicted) pain, then finally admitting to myself how lonely I felt in the relationship, and that my work is now to look within to heal old patterns/learn new ways of relating). I'm very happy for you that you've found a kind, self-respecting mantra to go forward with.. (though yes, I also acknowledge what you're saying, that this may take time). Sending strength my friend. It sounds like you're on the right path for you. Keep going!

[@armyparrot9353]

I'm really living what you describe. Despite me knowing she has few relationship skills ( shown by her many short term and shallow relationships). Alan is really saying what I'm doing about pointing out how they are failing at connecting. It has been 9 months. I thought i had figured it out since my last relationship of 10 months ( she left to another state to pursue her dream) did not have this cycle and I was happy. The relationship before this did have this similar toxic cyle.. Anxious( me ) / Avoidant. Glad you left...are you dating again?

[@BlueSkySanctuaryBaja]

This series has been one of the most insightful & helpful I've ever come across, absolutely incredible. Thank you Alan Robarge, for your insights, wisdom, humor & kindness!

[@imonmyway317]

Oh my Alan. I've just realised that rather than watch narcissistic videos on you tube I need to take a good, long, hard look at myself and my behaviours i' a relationship. Thanks for the insight and the shake up that I clearly needed x

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I'm on my way, you are not alone. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@jak9934]

Why you are so wonderful Alan, is that while calling out and naming the hard and painful truths of our dysfunctional patterns , you are still able to view and speak about it with compassion, humour and real understanding. You should know that this capacity of yours has a profound and positive influence on our motivation to be better. For that I feel so grateful. Thank you. 🙏

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for seeing my efforts. Glad you are finding this content of benefit.

[@Janelleybean23]

Make it work. Make it work. Make it work. Make it work!!! OMG this is me! Even when I see things are wrong early on, I feel like I’d be such a failure if I can’t make things work. Ouch! Thanks for your honest videos, they have been extremely helpful in seeing the real work I need to do for myself.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Janelleaisha, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this resonates with you. The solution to healing attachment injuries is to do our healing work. There is not a simple, quick-fix answer. Emotional, Relational, Developmental Healing Work is dynamic and has many chapters depending on our individual needs. The areas of focus I suggest are exploring Attachment Trauma, Emotional Attunement, Family Patterns, Boundaries and Sense of Self, Shame and Self-Worth, Longing and Loneliness, Reality Distortion, Grieving and Grieving Skills. These are the areas that inform the design of the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@Esranurkaygin]

This is the best youtube video I’ve seen in my life and probably ever will. No exaggeration, this is what i need to hear, Allan thank you so so sooooo much for this message

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Esranur, Your words are very kind. I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress. The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits. The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program. Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question. Please consider joining us! www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@Ziggysaur]

Beautifully put! Thank you Alan ❤

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the feedback. Glad you like the video. You may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@katrinalee816]

Thank you so much for this!!!

[@niloofarsouri4469]

Hi, I have been following you for about one year and I just want you to know how life changing listening to your descriptions and leads has been to me. Thank you so much for making this video series.

[@westkootenaywild7658]

Unbelievable insight. There's so much information in this video my head is spinning. I feel like this has been my entire relationship approach. And I'm very excited about turning that around.

[@jessicaelizabeth2677]

Spot on 👌🏻 Thank you so much for these videos. They are so eye opening.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Jessica, I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@BridgetteClare]

I love u so much Alan robarge!! everytime I watch or listen. you take me to CHURCH!! PREACH THAT NECESSARY HONESTY! WOOHOO! UR awesome!!! soo. happy I am learning to FOCUS ON ME AND MY ROLE AND MY CHOICES. :)

[@aquariousenigma70]

Your videos are incredible! You hit the nail right on the head. They have helped me tremendously :)

[@sheeni8129]

I'm can't express how happy I am that I found your channel. Can't thank you enough

[@jocelynbryant3308]

So good Alan!

[@kristenwalmsley5177]

I only did this for 9 months!!! I thought it was a bit of a failure until I listened to this video. Hooray. Thanks for helping me celebrate this Alan.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the comment. Glad this was helpful. Good job reframing.

[@psycherevival2762]

This whole series is amazing. Thank you for sharing your insight and vulnerability and for calling us out in an honest, kind and empathic way. Very powerful information. Thank you for taking the time to make these videos.

[@MJLopezEchenique]

Genius!!!! Just amazing!!!

[@tikesplace]

Totally resonate with your work - and still feel that once individuals realize that they are responding from their insecure trauma and if both partners recognize this, there is hope for repairing and it is possible to move through and grow and mature in the relationship. This is the way healthy relationships are meant to be and even though one may start as dysfunctional it can and does work for many. As we age and continually mature there is growth. It's only when the growth is stunted that this cycle may or may not continue. Your videos and enlightening and only through continued education can and will these cycles be healed. It takes real work and real dedication to understand that it must start with I and not you as the mature one.

[@jcondon4318]

OMG this hits hard!! Thank you Alan

[@nkaempfer1973]

Alan, this is Genius! thanks for being so brutally clear.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the feedback. Glad to hear this video offered clarity. If you find this content beneficial then you may be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course. It dovetails nicely off this video. To learn more take the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@katkatkat5]

Give up trying to change them. You only have control over yourself and your own healing journey.

[@mtngirlbunny9290]

Oh my goodness...this is hitting hard....thank you....uhh...I think I need a piece of chocolate or 10 now...lol. 😲 Thank you for your transparency.

[@danielmichalski2436]

How messed up is being in such a sick relationship with your mum, who dragged you into her emotional neediness when you were too young to know any better.. I'm 30 and I hate myself for being in such cycles. I want them to end :(

[@lisawheeler4917]

Daniel Michalski I am praying for you.... Take good care of yourself, get help, heal, move on... Love yourself! You are worthy and desrve all good things in your life! Find you and live!

[@WatchtheWaters12]

Daniel Michalski I’m in the same boat and know too well how you feel. It’s so difficult to get out of these cycles!! Sending you healing light. 🙏

[@theruminator7419]

Hi Alan. From someone who has recovered his true self, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your work. My gratitude knows no bounds.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're very welcome. Thank you for acknowledging my effort. Glad is delivers value. If you'd like to learn more about how these dynamics take over our choices then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@Thedragonwithin]

I love everything about your work.

[@dominicbarsi1169]

This is fantastic! Absolutely nailed it!

[@entrotlek]

Oh wow, this is me all over. Between psycho analyzing meself along with those I am relationships with it's so exhausting trying to find the right answers and behavior. We all want the same things at the end of the day if only we can get the heck out of own way. I've been doing therapy and all this self help stuff and it doesn't seem to be helping my relationships for the very reason you're talking about. Thanks for posting this, its jarring being called out but something I for sure needed to hear.

[@savannahaly]

so where are the videos regarding Solutions?

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/r2XUqmWgoMx1rJI

[@AshQ12]

Well thought out concepts and explained Yes solutions

[@jami3771]

So hard to hear, but its incredible to finally have someone explain my dysfunctional relating in a way I can understand. Still not ready to break up (3 years in). I think that because I am dysfunctional that I should stay with someone the same. That I couldnt make it work with a healthy partner.

[@FollowingJesus17]

Are you still with them. I'm 2 1/2 months in almost and I'm not ready to leave even though I'm suffering pretty much daily.

[@jami3771]

@@FollowingJesus17 I lost my partner to depression. The way we refused to break up broke him. It is not okay to stay in the shit hoping it'll magically get better. It felt like I couldn't leave him but now my loss is far far greater and I blame myself and don't want to pursue a romantic relationship at all until I resolve myself. I know his depression is a separate factor from the dysfunctional relationship but it can't be ignored and dysfunctional relating caused me to ignore the truth.

[@annettemtangi5258]

Clarity. Thank you.

[@roelofventer1729]

Gawds, I love this episode. The humor is fantastic to help bring across something that is super serious. Awesome. It also drove me to tears, because I have done all these things through my whole life.

[@anastassiakarouta4325]

I wanted to ask if thou could do a video on the anxiety we have when we don't hear from our partner in particular texting. I would have extreme anxiety all through the relationship even if it was only hours. Now I broke with him and trying to stay away but I'm still waiting and longing to get a text from him. Why? If he texts it's relief from that insecure rejected insure of his love interest. How can I end this agony?

[@aneesah4341]

You are so charming and all your advice is said so clearly

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the kind words.

[@bluaurora8635]

God you have amazing content! This is my life story, and I am astounded that others have ever experienced something I thought was so personal to me. Thank you so much for allowing me to know that I'm not alone. It is extremely painful stuff. I hate that I've ever subjected any of my beautiful partners to my trauma. I love your humor though, seriously you are funny. Sorry if this seems too much, I am just very happy to have found something I relate to so much.

[@mattlehnardt8035]

Alan has an incredible gift for nailing this stuff and presenting it in a depth style that touches these where they live so it can change and we can heal

[@ericscott1701]

Great work !!!!

[@mirosedecapmaker5842]

I love to listen to you... and its sadly so recognizable....

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for watching and for being engaged with my content. I'm glad that this one resonated with you. If you found this video valuable, I recommend looking into my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses, which provides an in-depth look at the different way people respond to distress in a relationship. This is mostly influenced from past attachment traumas and injuries. Everyone can benefit from this course, which educates and encourages you moving forward. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Along with this, I want to invite you to join my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. I created this membership community three years ago so we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@LinYouToo]

Thank you for your beautiful soul. I ❤️ your wise counsel and advice that takes us out of victimhood. I wish I could have found you many years ago but better late than never. God bless you and your beautiful soul.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the encouraging feedback and valuing my work. I'm glad to hear this content is of benefit for you. Thanks for letting me know the content is empowering.

[@roxy7255]

Love your work so much definitely the best I’ve come across on KZbin in helping people address codependency. My ex had bpd and addiction problems realise I have spent the last three years criticising him and surprisingly it hasn’t got me or him anywhere!

[@gigielliot834]

This is so incredibly helpful.

[@TransformedBelovedButterfly]

OMG, I didn’t know that I could be so belittling to my husband by telling him to join me in getting his stuff together. I just hate that I’m working on myself by seeking therapy and all those around me are not working on themselves and most of my pain have come from family and friends with dysfunction. Thank you for doing these videos. There are an eye opener.

[@rochellesumeray3341]

I love how you talk and explain. It’s so good. It’s the best I’ve ever heard. .

[@MJLopezEchenique]

I just love your work and the clarity in which you communicate your knowledge to all!!! Thank you!!!

[@sarahfrickel6204]

Thanks for this! This is the first time I've heard this and I've done some reading and research. It's very helpful.

[@murrayb4578]

wow. i thought it was just my personality or enneagram driving this relational dynamic. so much to learn and discover. thank you for the nudge to wake up a bit more today.

[@ajay8521]

How do we do “the work”. I see this in me and my relationships and can see childhood dysfunction in a way but not sure how to work it out.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello. This is why I created the membership community Improve Your Relationships. We begin to map out our plans for self-directed healing. Here's more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@ceebd8554]

Yes! Your levity helps. thank you, Alan. I Am Not Alone.

[@Iam.AminB_]

This stings. But I needed to hear it

[@susannah-carolla9587]

Yes. Always looking outward for the cause of the problems. So familiar.

[@danahinson8212]

You have an amazing gift! Thank you for another great video!!

[@fionaadams6773]

This rings true. Thank you!

[@heretolearn7813]

It’s like you’ve seen my relationship first hand and you’re in my head. 😮🙈 This has been such a validating video. Do relationships ever recover from this? Do they ever go from insecurely attached to securely attached?

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

@Summer Bell Thank you for valuing my videos. I’m glad this one resonates with you. The solution to healing attachment injuries is to do our healing work. There is not a simple, quick-fix answer. Emotional, Relational, Developmental Healing Work is dynamic and has many chapters depending on our individual needs. The areas of focus I suggest are exploring Attachment Trauma, Emotional Attunement, Family Patterns, Boundaries and Sense of Self, Shame and Self-Worth, Longing and Loneliness, Reality Distortion, Grieving and Grieving Skills. These are the areas that inform the design of the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. The kind of question you asked here is the type of question we explore in the community. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@heretolearn7813]

Thank you. I will consider this! 👍🏻

[@melawieeinapfel8594]

I LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE your videos that speak all out and put in words what I have experienced myself so I can feel seen and understood I connected to other people who went through the same! Sending you all my love

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Glad this content deeply resonates. So important to see that bridge - finding connection with others. Thanks for valuing my work.

[@carrierose2202]

Good stuff - spot on!

[@demiphillips9770]

Omg alan you are always so spot on. Amazing! You have such a gift. Thankyou

[@mostthegames3723]

Omfg laughing!! You are brutal, but I'm loving this hard truth. Thank you

[@clareunderwood6690]

Thank you for this. You are doing amazing work by offering us your insights.

[@mirandabeardmore9784]

Oh. My.word. Thank you so much Alan.

[@SaltationIgnite]

Damn. I’ve done most of this. At the same time, I’ve known my share of manipulators, users, abusers, and one narcissist. But I guess my difference was that I didn’t sit there and accuse/berate them (just one, then never again). For the most part, I tell the dude that he treats me differently from before, this new version isn’t what I signed up for, then state my needs super clearly. I try to offer incentives/bribes/jokes/negotiations (if you ____, I’ll _____”, or just point blank ask him “how can I inspire you?” ... try to keep the convo light... I don’t nag.... depending on what I ask, I give myself a time limit. If he continues to ignore my needs while I continue to meet his, then I just end it and leave. No nagging, no name calling, no drama. Just, “this isn’t what I signed up for”. I haven’t spent more than a year with a fella in about a decade now. But I still find myself in situations where the dude shows me one thing when we meet, then a completely night and day different personality months later. I ask them all if I’m the same person they met and still what they signed up for and they always say yes... so I really don’t know why they change, or why they put on such a facade to attract me if they were something totally different.

[@tequilabumbum4373]

You are amazing... all of this cycles... all me 100%. Great videos!

[@haulk2001]

i thank you for ur work and you are awesome individual ,sir . totally awakening to me and my own life journey constantly ..

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Wonderful to hear. Good for you in the awakening. Thanks for the comment. I'm glad this video resonates for you and that it provides value. We have some great, supportive conversations in the membership community. Please check out joining us: alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register

[@kokoro9301]

Holy crap, this hit hard. Thank you. Crying in my office at work to get glimmer if my own stuff ruining my own relationships.

[@yootoob1001001]

Thank you for bringing up the personality disorder issue! I have noticed when I am talking to people who do this to a great degree often are not looking at their part in the situation and there is indeed a large amount of finger-pointing. I agree that people can definitely have a highly level of what would be considered narcissistic traits and abuse does happen, but 99.99% of us are in no position to "diagnose" anyone with anything (including ourselves)!

[@4EVERKET]

OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH! It Burnns! Thank you for this. I am seeing myself in a way I never could before. I needed this series. How do you apologize to someone for doing these things if you are truly sorry? Is that something that should even be done?

[@Pmatt1]

I’m here in 2019, taking this pill...whew this is the harsh truth I love to hear. ❤️

[@mariamarotta6986]

Hi Alan. Your work is profound, thank you so much! And you have a great sense of humor😀

[@annaleevalfig1119]

Thank you so much! This is literally life saving! I love how you explain everything & when you make it funny it's great 🙂

[@itzaroseylife]

dear alan, thank you so much for the video. i feel so called out but the way you describe how my attachment works especially the part where i think i'm so mighty now that i am getting therapy/help and the other person is fucked up for not getting help, made me understood myself more. and i know that it's not a healthy behavior too. thank you so much.

[@worksupermodel]

I love you! So grateful for all the ways you help us. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

[@jodyhopkinson8561]

oooh so true of my behaviour at times!

[@tadejsusta]

man, this is spot on. I've just ended somekind of a relationship/friendship with a person, where I always told her to do this or that otherwise I felt disrespected and we were running in cycles like that. Now, a few days later I'm seeing that I guess this was for the best and now I'm hearing the exact same issue from you in this video :)

[@collybarn]

Oof, Alan. Yeah. This one hits hard. Guilty guilty guilty. Working on it. I'm definitely at the blech renouncing phase, even as I notice my tendency to STILL DO IT when I get really scared. Thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for watching and for sharing. The reason I created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@collybarn]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma I joined a couple days ago!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

That's amazing! So exciting - happy to have you onboard.