4 Flaws That Allowed Abuse Into My Life

[@NarcSurvivor]

Weak boundaries. Low confidence or self-worth. Being over-trusting. Projecting our good qualities on to other people. Assuming that they are as capable. These flaws will give abusive narcissists access to your life.

[@KosmicKaren]

Yes, for sure. On the positive side, though, it’s someone with a beautiful heart, like a child, who, unfortunately, was born into a corrupt world.

[@baneverything5580]

What you said. My sister nearly made me lose my mind trying to control my life and putting down every idea I had, every thing I purchased...every single thing...100%. And what I buy for my home has NOTHING to do with her. It`s bizarre. I got a camera because I like to take pictures. I had to hear, "A CAMERA??? You don`t need a camera! I`ve never owned a camera!" "Batteries and SOLAR panels? I don`t have that! We don`t have THAT MANY power outages! YOU`RE CRAZY! IT`S STUPID!" I live in Louisiana. We were hit by two hurricanes in 2020 and severe thunderstorms all year. We had five long power outages during heat emergencies last year. My sister goes to hotels wherever there`s power. Now I don`t have to suffer. My air conditioner stays on and so does my freezer and everything else. But I`m "crazy and stupid"??? I rode to the grocery store with her and she FOLLOWED ME complaining about every single thing I decided to get and kept asking "WHY ARE YOU BUYING THAT???" and actually put some pasta sauce BACK that was in my cart because she "assumed" I made a mistake and got the wrong kind! Madness!

[@baneverything5580]

A mistake I make is simply TALKING to my sister about ANYTHING! For instance, if I slip up and say, "I got an amazing picture of one of the birds I feed a few days ago when,,," She interrupts..."Feeding birds WHAT? And how did you take a picture??" I feed them bird seeds and I bought a camera to take pictures. "You waste MONEY on birds? And a CAMERA??? HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR THAT!?" No matter what I say. That`s what she does. She has never had any hobby at all. She sits on a couch and watches TV. That`s it. And anything else, to her, is a huge waste of time! "You ordered WHAT??? You gotta quit ORDERING!" I`m living in a camper in very rural Louisiana with no car on Social Security. But I`m not supposed to order anything or do anything or have any hobbies at all. It`s bizarre! Her son is the same way. He has OCD though because of her. His only hobby...sitting on the couch gaming. He refuses to go metal detecting with me after I bought him a machine. He`s too busy...gaming. They both FLIPPED OUT when I built my emergency solar power system for air conditioning. He reminds me of Jethro on the Beverly Hillbillies. He thinks he`s an absolute GENIUS and an intelligent person (other than him) can`t possibly exist. So something like ME building a solar power supply is obviously a demonstration of stupidity...because he doesn`t understand electricity. It`s insulting to try to have a conversation with them about anything.

[@danielkaiser8971]

(to the original comment) I wouldn't call such good qualities "flaws". They are a positive statement on your behalf, and in interactions with healthier-minded people, good qualities are usually recognized, appreciated and reciprocated within the other person's abilities to do so. It's pretty much only with toxic people that your good qualities are used against you, as well as the errors in expectations mentioned in the video that others "ought" to return what you give to them. EDIT: To be clear, I am referring to the "good qualities" referenced in the phrase, "Projecting our good qualities on to other people."

[@High.Vibe.Living]

​@@baneverything5580 your sister is a low vibrational hater. Who hates on everything you do without her because you came up with it first. Its obvious you cant change her. Get out and cut contact because the negitive energy and constant instults to your life choices and self esteem WILL HOLD YOU BACK IN LIFE. The choice is yours tho.

[@techjunkie68smusicandtech56]

Do no harm but take no shit, it's taking me nearly 56 year to learn this, like you Kevin, I have had to learn the hard way, but better that way than not to learn at all.

[@theoriginal7727]

Even Jesus talked about this, being gentle as doves but wise as serpents!🎉🎉

[@alicecoppers8980]

Believing they were empathetic like me and trusting they were looking out for my best...that was my flaws.

[@JoshBruin77]

Oh yeah, that thinking set me up for existential disappointment. 💯

[@blessed7927]

OMG. You just described me… Thinking how can people be so cruel. I learned in the last few years that not everyone is like me. I want to meet people like me though. I'm starting to.

[@saturdayschild8535]

Four flaws that allowed narcissistic abuse into my life: 1. Narcissistic mother 2. Malignant narcissist father 3. Dysfunctional family 4. Not knowing what narcissism was. They groom you to be optimistic without boundaries. We don’t develop those traits in a vacuum. Begging for love from your parents will have you begging for love for life if you don’t see it as futile and walk away.

[@uncleruckusnorelation6705]

me: malignant narcissistic mother. womanizer father who occaisionally abused drugs/alcohol but was highly functional number 3 number 4

[@PeaceBerakah]

Same here plus bad so called friends

[@karenlewkowitz5858]

Good comments for good catholic girls serving assholes

[@dethstark]

You can't change your mother. What is it about your behavior that you can change?

[@yinyangphoenix]

Same, except with malignant mother. We are absolutely groomed.

[@Asiacares4000]

the arrogance of thinking that kindness will outdo any evilness😢

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Yep! In my family kindness is seen as weakness. All unsaid of course and they are bitchy, miserable, stingy, two faced, financially and socially successful

[@yeswing10]

The Bible says overcome evil with good. But why doesn't it work? They turn us into them eventually, if we don't get away.

[@jesusfaith2232]

You can still be and do good with strong boundaries!

[@jackieo8693]

We are not taught how to set boundaries. We are not taught how to say, "That's not very nice" to our relatives, spouses or "friends."

[@BeeRareGem]

you know what, I think we are born with this quality but somewhere early in childhood its drilled (in my case, beaten) out of us! having children, i've noticed my children tell me "stop that, that's not nice, i dont like that, i dont want to, im not happy" all phrases I wouldn't dare to say to my care givers growing up and for a long time i thought i was so well behaved but i realised recently i was well conditioned. I actively have to stop myself from enforcing my own thoughts onto my children and give them the space to hold their boundaries and frustrations and even apologise to them when I mess up.

[@janicetelfer6211]

So true. I just learned the hard way and im 56. So glad I finally did. It's been an awakening! Alot of people I called friends are not anymore. So grateful for this 😊

[@Mikecores]

I tried setting boundaries but my mother amused herself with continually breaking them.

[@jackieo8693]

@@Mikecores then you have to enforce your boundaries. What were the consequences?

[@Mikecores]

I had zero power, and was frequently told, that she could just throw me out or replace me. "There are lots of children in Africa that would love to take your place. She was not ready to be a mother, and had already fucked up my older brother. And then I became the bud of both their jokes, they stood together and bullied me... REally bad parent and no father. @@jackieo8693

[@HillbillieMoonshine-w4f]

amazing! thank you,fuck my toxic family who abused me for decades!!!

[@SurprisedBeachVacation-yl6uc]

?

[@janiced.hatcher1272]

No doing that means contact. Best outcome is leaving without saying a word.

[@LaTrinaMilton]

Sorry Not Sorry🙏🏽!

[@elisabethwyndaele5912]

So sorry for you. Elisabeth

[@SandraDuke-i2w]

I have definitely been very optimistic and at times refused to believe that people could be that evil!

[@awakened9906]

Being a people pleaser is my biggest character flaw I had to address and I had to learn the hard way

[@janicetelfer6211]

Me too 😊 ❤

[@LaTrinaMilton]

Yep!

[@charlottemuller2233]

It’s like being in a cult! I was taught to see the best,pray through…….but, they have free will and they play on kindness!

[@carolprivate418]

No expectations means no disappointments.

[@rascallyrabbit]

maybe these flaws were really a form of fawning and freezing. we were trained to be weak instead of confronting them for their abuse.

[@freewoman]

I so agree I know I was trained to be weak. My mum used to physically beat me up as a child. That took away so much self esteem

[@joannturi3968]

Learning to shame them was the way Jesus got to them, along with the truth.

[@NikkiGRocks4Ever]

My flaws 1) not knowing what narcissism is 2) being too trusting in the church 3) believing in my dysfunctional family 4)low self esteem 5) no boundaries 6) I stuffed my feelings by developing eating disorders. Now things are different. I watch videos and read books about narcissism, boundaries, mindset etc. I apply what I learn. It took years but I adopted healthy eating habits and I exercise almost every day. I observe people. Does the behavior match their words? Are there red flags? I adjust myself accordingly. I have become guarded.

[@ThePortalTheory]

It's sad to read how bad you were hurt. I'm right there with ya. ❤

[@NikkiGRocks4Ever]

@@ThePortalTheory Thank you for your kind words. We are fortunate ones. We are getting better. We discovered this marvelous channel. 🦋😊🦅💪

[@elizabethy2912]

I recommend watching Tim Fletcher here on KZbin. He describes narcissism, better than anyone else. I've been researching this subject for nearly a year. This video is something I hadn't thought about before- very interesting!!

[@polkadot9866]

"Above all else, guard your heart." I look at the shattering of my naiviet as wisdom. And I see how the narcissist set me on a better path. You're doing fantastic! ✨ Happy for you. 💖

[@mhobson954]

Good for you💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽 I’m inspired ❤

[@jemilsense3972]

Growing up as a preacher's kid made my boundaries so rotten. Accepted everyone like a doormat. Sadly, my dad, a pastor, was like that, too, but he took out his frustrations on his children. Such a weird family and church.

[@mariehughey5390]

My character flaw was the cognitive dissonance. I could observe and acknowledge mistreatment, but I couldn’t make myself accept it. I was in my late 50’s before I could say, “My mom isn’t a very nice person.”

[@SwankyShe1]

I was 63

[@nanettie]

60 here.

[@Anonymous-wh4ez]

It's not a character flaw.

[@jemilsense3972]

same here

[@kimberlynorato135]

I'm 54 I've been saying it since a kid. Now after several brutal fights, I just look at what a pathetic soul she is. How sad. And I blame her mother, my grandmother, et al .

[@gingermaynor495]

Oh, wow I did all of this. You assume people are mostly good so do not identify the toxicity. You pride yourself on getting along with others. You do not speak your boundaries when they are crossed. You expect others want to meet you on even grounds. We live and learn from hard knocks. If we are lucky, we grow and our life expands. Thank you. (By the way, I do not think you are "flawed" or anything is wrong with you - it is instead just becoming more self-aware. Some people go through their whole lives and never figure these things out.)

[@susanbenson3232]

I had no boundaries, no self-respect or value, & I projected my loyalty (to a fault), honesty, etc onto the narcs, eternally hopeful (naive), & yes, I was told I was supposed to get along with everyone. I was literally shocked when I finally woke up to the reality they were not like me, & I needed to make boundaries, love & respect myself, & walk away from, not toward, people who squashed me.

[@fearless7989]

Narc: "Well, you never said anything. We didn't know it bothered you." THIS is the double-bind. Either you (1) give them their supply -- which is calling out whatever they did that they KNEW you wouldn't like so they can get their chuckles and smirk, or (2) you don't say anything about it, in which case they continue to do it every chance they get. You're damed if you do, damed if you don't. Today? I walk TF away without saying nothing. They know what they did. And - on the off-chance they don't know - they're too ignorant and inconsiderate to be around me for any reason or lengh of time, I DON'T NEED OR WANT THEM as any type of associate or "friend".

[@maryvegas7712]

You're not alone. Same thing with my family...

[@leslie11177]

Very well said! 👏❤

[@mic396]

They do know don't care ..there is no winning ..no teaching will change y we go low contact or none .

[@mombasham]

Thank you. I really needed to hear this.

[@whitehairvillain36]

1&2: FLAWLESS... WTF... 🙆‍♂️

[@GuitarMatt]

18:50 "It's patience with people that got me in trouble." Plus one. Very well said!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Nice and polite, being kind and considerate to narc dad. He groomed me for this. It was never my fault!

[@MG-ot2yr]

My major flaw is weak boundaries, I'm working on strengthening those. Other flaw is my tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt and not listening to my gut instincts....working on that too, there's some people who don't deserve the benefit of the doubt and when your gut is telling you something, don't ignore it. I guess that's being overly optimistic too, but also its wanting to treat people the way I would like to be treated....but there's people out there that aren't capable of that. I don't lack self confidence or self esteem, I have a strong sense of self and very independent. So narcs do tend to get a false sense of manipulation and control with the weak boundaries but once I'm on to it I stand strong and don't put up with anyone's crap, it usually really blindsides them.

[@Arvenmillenium]

Abuse in church showed me that most people are there for money, power, sexual satisfaction.. it’s been very rough last decade that escalated in 2021..now I am in recovey and feel much more better than in previous years.

[@MD.orion1]

And "forgiveness " on tap so they can carry on destroying people with their judgement or vices.

[@Ruby-if4jf]

Wow never heard "expectations" defined that way "why aren't you like me" thank you

[@laurenelizabeth86]

Kevin, I can't tell you how many of your videos have helped me out of a dark place. I really appreciate your honesty.

[@maryvegas7712]

So true! I can't believe I kept putting up with them (siblings & mother) flags have been there for years. At 60 I'm done with the pain, secrets, gossiping & hate from the "children"

[@livinggood6876]

No more long-suffering BS for me. When I meet somebody, friend, acquaintaince or other, as soon as they show me who they are, a phoney. I take action, avoid, block, etc.

[@fearless7989]

Exactly, me too. Only the very best quality people in my life, nothing less. I give myself credit for the type of person I am and, if I need to be alone, GOOD. I get to keep my beautiful heart, and all of the joy inside it.

[@janicetelfer6211]

Ditto❤

[@charlottemuller2233]

Yes,if they wanted to be good,they would!

[@SandraDuke-i2w]

I have always been way too naive but then I would say whats wrong with believing the best about people!

[@littlelagoons]

Four flaws that allowed narcissists into my life: 1. Giving people too many chances until I finally blow up and make them look like the victim 2. Believing that if I love someone enough they will heal and start acting normal 3. Not listening to my intuition or even believing my own perception before the perception of others 4. Allowing others to dominate me in even the smallest situations by chronically fawning and peacekeeping

[@bridgettetraveler658]

Some ppl don't want to get alone with us. Real CHRISTIANS are humble. There's a such thing as church narcissist. They go to church just to be seen & have ppl say great things about them. Many of them sing in the choir & sit up front. This is a great video. Life has helped me to have a don't care attitude when ppl say or think ugly about me. I remember GOD pays my bills. I don't need the narcissist to pay anything or do anything for me except get away from me. My 30ish yr old son shaves his head. Clean heads are in. I was in a Bernie Mack movie & he kept everyone laughing. Laughing is good for your health!!!

[@DeeBullock1836]

I only can go with three, because my wonderful amazing Dad, who was a Church of Christ preacher, and the least narcissistic type of person, died when I was 11 years old….he truly was an empath, told me so many wonderful things of God, life, and what will happen to our country, which is happening now…this was in 1971, a year before he died, and as the man he was, I know he never lied to me…he was as I know now from therapy, he was an empath like me..and I fully believe my mother’s narcissism came out full force within a month after Daddy died..and I WAS HER TARGET, and have been ever since then…taken me a long long time to cut all about her except to take her her groceries and just walk in and walk out….cut my brother who’s just like her out of my life 10 years ago..hardly ever saw him anyway in the past 20 years…..but I am done with all of them….

[@rosalindr4975]

I had a loving supportive Dad . my mom was hard on him…I’m trying to help her in her twilight years.

[@JoshBruin77]

Mine: 1) Parent who was narcissistic 2) Trying to "fix" a dysfunctional family 3) Not understand narcissism 4) Trading boundaries for love 5) Finally, years of addiction to drugs and alcohol I finally gave up on it, and decided to show up for myself.

[@carriedillmann4455]

My Mom used to say to me “ you expect too much from people”

[@minimallyleah7208]

That's tough when we conduct ourselves with a higher standard and no one else seems to. I think what your mom said is true to an extent. But if we could find others who also conduct themselves with a higher standard, how great would that be?!

[@philippagrimoire5968]

I think it’s more that we can’t understand why more people don’t think like us. Because it’s not hard to just be nice and kind but so many people think that’s being fake and weak?

[@danielkaiser8971]

Being nice and kind to others is great when they deserve it and when doing so is not a form of bribery to get them to be nice and kind back to us.

[@monaj33]

Mine said gont trust people...thats cause she is a treasonous untrustworthy shit...😢

[@polkadot9866]

My mother IS the narcissist. So, basically... don't expect anything from her.

[@lorimiller7261]

People show you who they are, we just don’t want to believe it. Kevin is absolutely right, if you have to try to change someone to be a better person, you shouldn’t be with them. We should be around people who are good for us and love us for who we are. If you can survive narc abuse, work hard to heal and learn - you can do anything. You are stronger, wiser, and a more beautiful soul because of it ❤ Believe this ❤

[@SandraDuke-i2w]

Unfortunately for small children, they have no choice but to stay in the family and suffer the abuse of the narcs. So many times I wanted to go live with my paternal grandmother because she was my support and gave me unconditional love and I could go to her and tell her how I felt without judgment. Her love is what kept me from completely going to the dark side!

[@janiced.hatcher1272]

It's when you dared to say, you were the real victim.

[@Shankarai11]

@@SandraDuke-i2wyour soul has been saved at a time that was crucial. ❤

[@CyborgSodaCollects]

Dude your setup is so baller! Screw the haters...you're free. They don't understand...yet.

[@Lucy-ie8qw]

My in laws are the same. Drive an hour to church...pretend to be so sweet. They are the most cold and judgmental people. But never ever see their grand children around the corner from them. I have always been a massive people pleaser and empath. I resonated with your words so much. I finally have said NO MORE. I feel so free and liberated.

[@samuelknox2613]

My Father used to say nasty words can't hurt you! But I kept getting hurt with them.

[@polkadot9866]

Sticks and stones can break our bones but words can break a heart.

[@samuelknox2613]

@@polkadot9866 yes very true!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Nasty words can hurt you, especially by the narc dad, who would exonerate himself from the abuse he was heaping on me.

[@polkadot9866]

@@samuelknox2613 I tell myself...these "people" taught us how to love ourselves. Difficult lesson...but gets me out of "victim" mode. Helps me see clearly just how strong we are. 💗

[@mercedesvanmackelenbergh9855]

​@polkadot9866 So well said, you can see it as a mirror, and choose No not like that..! But it still takes a lot, to see behind the mask, and than to fight you out to free yourself... This site will really help me out, and heal and recognise ❤❤❤❤❤❤😂😊😊

[@karinamiafamme349Dk]

Once you see it you can unsee it!

[@marthacarlson6106]

You mean - once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Is that what you’re saying? I agree.

[@carriedillmann4455]

This was me! But NO MORE!!!!

[@HeatherDurham-n9t]

Yes! When someone shows you who they are - believe them!!

[@alisonj9533]

I'm a stuffer too now I'm stuffed! The less you say the more they think you're ok with it. Being dependable is a curse

[@mic396]

Always rains in Chicago.. ALWAYS once while sun 🌞 comes out but not often 😉

[@Arvenmillenium]

Agree about naivness, I definitely was that. Especially regarding the church. I believed that everybody had the same goals-working for God and serving one another. I was hit soo hard that I am away from the church now

[@Foxie770]

Find a new one. At a good church that follows Christ, that is what you’ll find! I recommend Catholic TLM parishes, they are modest, religious and not ego focused.

[@MaximaHoro-Guiyaan]

BRILLIANT PRESENTATION, OLD CHAP. I'm 66 years old and AGREE WITH EVERY WORD AND PHRASE OF YOUR UTTERANCE in this clip. Very CONCISE AND PRECISE. THANK YOU. GOD BLESS. CHEERS

[@colincrisp1592]

watched this 50 years ago could have saved me

[@joannturi3968]

Do you know how I love to apologize to them now? By apologizing in a way that is a painful reminder to the point of letting them realize, if possible how dumb and stupid they are for thinking that I am. I've even grown to master the fake apology to the point of no return. To send them packing so to speak, where they don't have a leg to stand on. I like to use a mocking version by saying to myself.....I sowwweee mommy. Act like the step child they're treating you like....which in return exposes them all the more and it makes the joke on them.

[@janethomas78]

Great topic!! YES-- people calling me and wanting me to make them FEEL BETTER!! Its too much.

[@frankdavf4599]

i was wiser as a youngster and i let all the believes of goodness dilude my boundaries to a more permeable personality...and mayority of people dont care of that common good society must have.

[@alisonj9533]

Remaining silent because to speak up meant you were a troublemaker, you didn't know what you were talking about, waiting in silence for something to run its course rather than confronting and if you fo confront discover it wasn't worth it! Yep always talked into or out of with no power just the way they like it! Alone is peace.

[@maryfisher6569]

When I would try and stand up for myself, I was labeled a troublemaker. I was the scapegoat. It still hurts decades later

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I confronted my narc abuser dad, he said "Tough shit"

[@saracarlson-kringle]

LOL! Yes. Number 2 almost got me killed [I wandered through relationships like Mr. Magoo - only realizing later on how narrowly I escaped danger on several occasions, and wondering why certain people would purposefully put me in harm's way - my guardian angel must have really gotten a work out no thanks to me] ...Number 3 I was shamed and beat with a belt into keeping my lip buttoned - and then I automatically did until my late 40's - then my dad informed me that I should have been beaten more when I was young, because I started telling it like it was - he'd say, 'You're a hard woman, Sara' and I'd say, 'Only when things start getting idiotic'...Number 4 My expectations were that things could be resolved, and now I know better. Sperm and egg donor - thank you for giving me all you had. 'Parenting' will have to be an inside job. Christ is like the 'horse whisperer' but for humans, and that's made a big difference for me. I've come to trust Him. I got Holy Spirit on the job digging up my stuff and releasing it in a way I can deal with...right now, it's anger, control, projection and appropriateness - and then I gotta ask, do some of these issues even originate with me, or did I take on someone else's business? Let the healing commence.

[@lindawade1203]

You Can't Do Better Until You Know Better When Know Its A Wrap 😊

[@rochellet1333]

We are not on this planet to be liked. I struggled with that for years. People pleaser! I was crushed when I felt someone did not like me. What a waste of time and energy. God loves me, that is good enough for me.

[@Portia620]

Wait… smoking cigars is about arrogance? Fur is arrogance? I love fur rugs and pillows and I’m not arrogant. Interesting

[@marissajane4504]

I smoke cigars and have fur pillows on my bed. I guess I'm arrogant 😂

[@matthewklein7231]

Smoking to show a point is contradicting to what you propagate

[@christinewagner1722]

Excellent presentation, Kevin, and thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities with us. I can so relate with these! Mine were: 1. Naivety to people. 2. Weak boundaries. 3. Believing I could change a person/ relationship, given enough time and effort. 4. Not having a clue what narcissism was.

[@InvisibleWarrior279]

The fixer complex. Really a belief it was my life’s purpose to put other people’s needs and feelings before my own, to an unhealthy degree. Definitely something I learned from the dynamic in my parent’s marriage. Made me a moving target for narcissists for the first 40+ years of my life. To get away from these people you have to figure out what it is about YOURSELF that is attracting them and fix that. It’s not victim blaming. It’s just reality. Takers are going to take from uneducated, naive people.

[@sabri1913]

Ditto ! Figure out what it is that attracts them to you ! Still working on that but your comment was an aha moment. Thank you !

[@anAngelisHard2find]

Absolute trust of others, starting with family. Lack of Self Awareness. Lack of knowledge of MY OWN RIGHTS. Lack of skill to use verbal cues to defend myself and to set appropriate boundaries.

[@timegoesby7068]

I always was naive, but i think naiveness is part of the nature of a person in the hope that the world could be a beautiful place to live, like the Lord planned and He gave us the resources to make life beautiful. We are not born knowing that the spiritual war exists.

[@SurprisedBeachVacation-yl6uc]

Jesus knew all these things and He did what he did anyway.

[@obamiumofficial4298]

Oh my God, this is me! Throughout my life, I have always prioritised other people.

[@alexadellastella5247]

when we are born in narcissistic families, it is not that we have flaws it is that we are being too nice cos we were never taught.... and have been abused since day 1!!!! It is important to look at ouselves sure but let's not turn it around we have been broken more than we had flaws!

[@frankdavf4599]

over confident, optimistic arrogance(if im fine everything will be the same), blind believing in good as a inherent trait of people, over trusting people ...ah...this is harsh.

[@joannabaldwin7705]

I was too forgiving, to much empathy, too much loving and looking over their evil sh!t, thinking can fix them with love and patience.

[@SandraDuke-i2w]

My paternal grandmother was the only person that ever showed me unconditional love and my mother could not stand her!

[@InTheWind_]

A major flaw that Narcs FEED off of, and NEED: Our hope. We keep holding out hope that they'll grow up, they'll improve, they'll finally understand what we are trying to say, they'll grow and elevate their consciousness... yeah, not a chance.

[@nicolehayes6020]

When I finally knew what narcissism meant, then my whole life changed. It made sense of all the insanity and finally for the first time knew that I was NOT the problem. It was my mother’s crazy narcissistic family but as a child I was stuck and it was hard. I was the scapegoat for everything. I was blamed for everything. I was told that there was something wrong with me and that I needed counseling. My father, he was no help. He was an alcoholic who eventually left the situation. I was blamed for the divorce. As a mother myself, I can not believe how my mother treated me and the things she had people believing about me! I would never do that to my daughter or son! She painted this narrative of me being a problem child who was out of control and needed help! Disgusting 🤮 As of today, I cut all of the toxic people out except her and when I can leave and never look back will be the best day of my life. I just can’t get over the things she did and said and I have so much resentment toward her for everything that the best thing I can do is leave. Good luck to all of you out there that has or is going through this because it’s definitely not easy! It’s like mind f 101 and to ur own children is unforgivable…

[@flowingbrooke1]

Thanks for another great lesson on how we perpetuate the narcissist's behavior towards us by not being our true self. Not wanting to rock the boat, we continue to be beaten to a pulp and when looking for a companion we so often fall into attracting narcissists because that's what we know and we know how to maintain those relationships by becoming the lesser individual in the relationship. Until the day you become honest with yourself and stand up for yourself knowing you're better than them. It is hard at first to confront the narcissist but once you've done so it becomes that much easier letting them know you aren't going to be ridiculed, etc. I've broken that cycle but, it took years to find that strength and believe in myself to stop negative BS. I never wanted to hurt anyones feeling even when they hurt mine, so glad those days have ended. Yes, less so-called friends but in return I've found my bearing.

[@ShanRae-tm4ho]

Thank you! Where have you been the last 59 yrs! OMG! I'm just now starting to get it! I'm going to be okay! And you don't look like a real smoker ;) but I'm with you! You do you boo! 🥰

[@frankdavf4599]

yes, overly optimistic is what i believe i got into...cause i thought all problems were fixable through love and good deeds. Also the childhood wound of abandonment, and injustice(bullied since kindergarden).

[@charlottemuller2233]

Arrogance to believe I have power to change them!

[@Passionaction1206]

I have children with a egotistical narcissist.... And many people in his family are narcissistic as well. I had no clue what a narcissist was for 33 years. And then of the 6 years we were together, four of those years I had no clue. I just thought they were a hard family to actually get into and be accepted with. Come to find out no matter what you do, you're never good enough. I have two sons with this man and unfortunately I need his help to raise them. Although I know they should not be around narcissistic people, if I want to prevent them from being narcissistic as well. I truly am a light in this world, and they tried to steel every bit of my light and joy. And try to make me out to be the bad person and the narcissist. What am I supposed to do about my 2 sons?

[@BooThing14]

I have 2 daughters with a covert narcissist who is part of highly narcissistic pastoral family. I was never accepted and was never good enough for them or they accused me of thinking I was too good for them. I could never please my husband, I was literally self destructing the last few years. By rhe Grace of God Im out, away from all of them, filing for divorce. I believe my exit was 100% orchestrated by the Lord, I was dying, totally disconnected from my girls. I pray every day for them...every morning and every night. My only hope is loving them as best I can and calling on the Lord to help me. It's been a literal hell of a 20 years.

[@Portia620]

Teach them what manipulation looks like thru movies and books! Teach them what gaslighting is and educate them but be careful not to point fingers!!! Just educate them and be a good example of what is helwhty and for the love of God hang out with healthy people outside these people most the time!!!! Sports or anything to get them helwhty!!!🙏🙏. I know how hard it is to fight This!! Also find a trauma informed therapist they knows what narrwcism is! At least make sure they understand trauma!!!

[@cyndigooch1162]

That's an absolutely heartbreaking situation to be in and I've seen videos about how to cope, as well as how to counteract the effect of the narcissistic, or worse, parent on children. I don't recall the names of the people who've done them at present though. I have a lot of other things to do now, but I'll have a look when I'm able to do so. ❤

[@tavitagomez9435]

I learned helplessness from my mother. She literally told us if they do something to you, don't do anything. That would bring me a lot of problems in my adult life. I was always apologizing for what I hadn't done.

[@billstewart1747]

Watch Dr Carter too at Surviving Narcissism

[@therealwewin]

At this point there's too many of them. Fall back

[@peggould5943]

Good point. 👍

[@privacy9175]

Excellent Truth you said. That's Exactly how we are.. Now l'm back too what l know. I'm finished with what's in front of me... I'm accepting it...

[@mesorayro]

This is so true and so important to have the self reflection to change myself.

[@mamadoom9724]

“Go watch dr ramani, I don’t care” haha I love that. It made me 😆 it’s calling us all out cause you know we are all binging narcissism content.

[@melissaconner9440]

Out of all the counseling and videos I've listened to. A wise man smoking a cigar in a fur coat LITERALLY JUST PUT ME IN CHECK! I'm very angry at myself but also understanding thus now I have a starting point! A REAL ONE! THAT DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND THEM BUT ME! I thank you♥️😓😱🙏💕

[@margaretayambo1065]

That why I lost interest in relationship,and sex during and after separation. Your vedious has made me stronger for the last 7 years. Narc affect the whole of you if you don't get help such as these. I never enjoy husband and wife lifestyles😢😢

[@loreley3126]

Good video! You are right! I cannit turn toxic people into good pfople who see my worth. - The more I tried to be a good person… the worse my environment treated me. … I have worked as a teacher in primaryschool and the nicer I have been , the more mobbing of toxic parents and headmaster I had to endure. It began with giving me low income and ended with the fact that I was the only teacher who was not given a meeting with the headmaster of the school at the end of the year, like every other teacher. I left a few month later, because some "mothers" became unbearable ...As a surprise to me , at the end of the schoolyear, the headmaster had to leave the school. It came to my awareness that she refused to be there for many teachers , let them struggle with difficult parents … so the team decided she had to go. - justice ! 😏... but I really learned, like you said in the video, that I cannot handle evey problem with being nice and empathic... in some cases all you need is strong boundries , zero toleranz and if this is not enough ... a lawyer (legal protection insurance).

[@nh255]

i struggle with having expectations for people too, and learning how it always ends in disappointment and isnt fair on either side

[@SvenjaIpsen]

Self-respect is the primary quality one needs. That will protect you from falling into the trap of any mean person/bully/narcissist. Because with self-respect you will take your own feelings seriously and learn to protect yourself.

[@caseymarion2494]

Exceptional insights and information, Kevin. Absolutely on-point.

[@natoshawithanO]

This is all just so well said, it’s perfect! I’m going to watch this video a few times.

[@saracarlson-kringle]

What a strong introduction...having lived through religious blah, blah, blah [in a narcissistically led cult who really gets their rockets off telling everyone else to be loving, etc but doesn't extend the same courtesy] to become one with the scripture that says, 'do not trust man - trust only God,' has flipped my world on it's ear. I was just telling someone that simple phrases like, 'obey your parents' and 'do not forsake the gathering of yourselves together' now demands a hefty dose of discernment because there's a lot of back story left out that's protective for us. I especially do not trust my fellow Christians - I'm not required to. I keep my head on a swivel. I'm much quicker at defending my boundaries and directing people back to their proper places. I won't step into a 'church' without the full armor of God. I'm firm but friendly and I won't be bullied or love bombed into anything. My first and most important relationship is with my Papa, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Everyone else, take a number and get in line. Presently, my extension of Grace goes something like this: don't waste your time trying to convince me of this or that - I'm not interested and it's out of my hands, I've given it and you over to God. You've got to negotiate with and convince Him now. Have a great day. Okay - now I'm ready to settle back in and listen to the other 3 flaws...

[@MadCartoonscom]

It's nice to know that we can just walk away instead of "taking it"

[@peggould5943]

True

[@cyndigooch1162]

That's exactly right and it's often a huge risk to speak up to certain types of people, no matter how politely it's conveyed. I learnt this the extremely hard way by getting physically assaulted quite a few times, including losing two front teeth in one of the incidents. 🙁

[@claire-ui6pu]

I've had that arrogance thinking that being good means I can change people or influence them into better behavior. I haven't been brought up in the church very much. I do remember all the teachings though being Irish my while family are religious but left the church when I was 9. I've found my mum goes back to it to preach to me or hold it over me even saying my kids will go to heaven in spite of me. It's taking me years to realize I need a distance from family. I was a prime target for narcissistic abuse and met a very abusive man 3 years ago that really opened me up to my inner strength and self protectiveness again now I want to love myself so much more and love every one else from a distance, especially those trying to control me. Now I'm quick to stand up for myself. Now I'm quick To end relationships that only take. Now I'm awake. We must protect ourselves as we are the temple If the holy spirit we must have standards of what and who we let in. Spiritual warfare.

[@maryhirsch8044]

It seems I've had narcissistic people in my life, my whole life. People that have constantly demeaned me about everything. I never said anything back. I always told myself, they're having a bad day even though it kept me up at night. I finally got sick of it and told them so. Boy, did I get the backlash. Projecting it all back on me when all I did was defend myself. I don't feel the need to defend myself anymore so I let them go and even though I miss them (don't know why), I feel free. It's a long journey to heal from this but I've learned what kind of people I need in my life. The only problem now is I tend to shy away from meeting new people as I expect the same treatment and I refuse to go that route again. Kevin, your cigar smoking doesn't bother me in the least, neither does whatever you wear. I never did care about those things. People like what they like and I respect that. I just wish they could give me the same respect and if they don't, I'm gone. Thank you! Your videos are helping me get through this! Love and Peace to You! ♥

[@disappearingremedy7400]

Another great message. Thank you for helping me take a look at the need for Self responsibility. 🙏 I'll add that I can also thank the behavior of the Christianese church group that I was a part of to help me use discernment.

[@Mokgoba-P]

I thoroughly enjoyed this 👌

[@mhobson954]

This is golden❤

[@MsAvignon]

My upbringing wasn’t particularly religious but certainly my mother, meaning well, drilled into me that I should always be nice, respectful, turn the other cheek, do as much for others as possible, respond to nastiness with kindness, forgive, etc, etc. Sigh. I wish I had a cigar.

[@rivkag4669]

Turn the other cheek means to spite the person who just insulted you, in Judaism. It's an insult to the offender. Unfortunatley, the church doesn't teach that. It's like heaping coals.

[@elyssian6015]

Well Done, Cheers

[@PamelaAubrey]

Woooooow, I so relate to your story. I love Jesus but churchianity has been so destructive. I have been learning to be honest with myself about who people are and who I am. A lot of learning to expect people to be exactly who they are, not some rose colored glasses version of who I want to believe they are.

[@NikkiGRocks4Ever]

Thank you Kevin. I watch your videos because you are authentic and honest. I watch Ramani and Carter too.

[@elisabethwyndaele5912]

You are not arrogant. Don’t say that. You are kind , I know the feeling ❤

[@Elizabeth-x6o]

Thank you for helping me through this divorce. God brought me to you and I'm so grateful. I'm being restored ❤🙏✝️

[@michelleknapp9176]

LOVE this video!!!!!!!

[@Gigi-gz3fd]

This is very helpful. Especially the tie in with Christianity. I had not considered that before and now …. Light bulbs 💡 🤔

[@rivkag4669]

Biblical Christianity doesn't teach us to be whipping posts; the modern church does, though, sadly.

[@debbie1873]

Can’t thank you enough for how much your videos make me laugh, yet you are totally spot on about such serious subjects, and astute with all of your observations. The bleak depressing seriousness of most narcissistic abuse channels has made learning about and healing from such experiences extra miserable. To be able to laugh at the crazy of the whole situation, and to have it addressed in your unique and multidimensional approach seems to lift the dead weight off my heart, and validates my experiences in a way that revives my spirit and instills hope. It reconnects me to my authentic core self as humour is the magic ingredient that seems to shift the healing up a gear and makes this whole goddamn narc recovery journey more bearable. Thank you 🙏

[@blonde_w_thewind1253]

I say I’m a relentless optimist, but not in people, but in our ability to create the life we want. But trust people? Hell nah!

[@christineribone9351]

That answered one of my questions about someone of the past. I was always fighting with him but couldnt understand why. as it turned out I was expecting him to treat me a certain way, instead of accepting him how he really was. And he was doing the same thing with me.