4 Texts That Signal A Fearful Avoidant Is NOT Into You! | Fearful Avoidants & Conscious Dating

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

It's important to know that "winning someone over" is a potentially short-term, not long-term strategy. "Winning someone over" may also never lead to a deep, meaningful relationship

[@AkireMaru]

Nothing is guaranteed and winning someone over can be short term but most long term relationships start off as really good long term friendships. I find when you meet someone out and about those relationships are more likely to fade because no “build up” existed, it was simply attraction based on physical attributes. Me personally, I don’t naturally just fall for people when I meet them, so my initial “no” may be a “hell yes” once I get to know the person as a friend first for at least a year. I’m attracted to mentally strong, persistent men and muscles and a nice face can hide weakness.

[@stevensantora2976]

Summary: 1. FA's don't follow up. 2. Talk about other's romantically 3. Allude to the friendship 4. Inquires about other ppl romantically

[@fsol4595]

Reading the comments from all the FAs justifying their bad habits makes me so glad that I am learning how to identify them and not take anything personally. As a secure, I have dated each attachment style, and there's nothing harder to deal with than an avoidant (extremely AP can be draining too, but at least they communicate). I am aware it's not their fault, but it is their responsibility to try to heal their wounds. I love coming to these videos to learn all of the Sings of avoidants and anxious and avoid them like the plague. I have helped others to become a bit more secure, but its draining, tiring and I rather let them go than keep on getting my needs neglected.

[@sierraclose749]

As a self-aware FA, one of the biggest turn-offs for me is someone trying to win me over when I'm on the fence with things. I need time to self-regulate and figure out if my hesitancies are solely due to attachment issues on my part or if my concerns are legitimate. If you push me, try to impress me, repeatedly hint at things I'm already well-aware of, I will be so turned off and take that as my cue that we're not truly compatible.

[@twentysevenand]

I unfortunately let my anxiety win over and basically did all that. Pushing, impressing and hinting. The FA has stopped talking to me altogether. Do the feelings ever go back?

[@sierraclose749]

​@@twentysevenand In the very early stages of a relationship, there's little to no chance of those feelings coming back (for me, at least). Once I reach this point, I'm usually very blunt and to the point when rejecting them. If I'm in an established relationship, the feelings usually do come back but each time these things happen, I'm less and less engaged with the partner. When the guy in my last relationship tried towards the end, I'd feel resentful and angry at both him and myself.

[@ineedhoez]

Exactly!

[@ineedhoez]

@@twentysevenand na. It is repulsive and makes us feel suffocated. Once you cross that line, you can't come back. You've shown your true colors.

[@zaracassid8631]

I despise when someone tries to win me over. I know on my own how I feel and I hate when someone tries to make me feel the way they want me to feel. Oh and I'm FA as well btw.

[@musebymelissa8583]

As a FA, I can confirm that this is totally accurate. I think we do our best to be direct, esp early on, because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings by leading them on.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Thanks for sharing your experience as an FA for everybody here Melissa :)

[@beesnaps1]

yup, so true lol.

[@ineedhoez]

Me too. I definitely struggle with trying to distinguish between my issues and whether the other person is really just icky

[@musebymelissa8583]

@@ineedhoez Same! I've made the mistake of blaming relationship problems on "my issues" when really the other person just wasn't a good person. Now I trust my intuition.

[@minerva7217]

So if they say 'we have different needs' or 'we are incompatible' after you have been with them for over 6 years, take the hint--they don't like you or want you in their life but they are not able to put it bluntly. We need a video about people who pull the rug out from under you.

[@youknowmegp3752]

I think it's more about the control they put in the relationship. They want you in a way they want it.

[@lenaflab2697]

My ex told me exactly that, after 6 months... Sounded so rational and cold. But what happens for them that they lose feelings and interest from at least 'some' to zero?

[@rms4701]

Predominately secure now but formerly full blown FA. I would say the only exception to this for me was dating a DA who said he wanted to be friends. I could tell he was conflicted but decided I needed to go by his words. What he was choosing to say mattered. I took a couple week break and then I initiated hanging out again and made various “friend zone” comments. A lot of it was to protect myself and I was also actively pursuing dating other people again. If he had ever come to me and said, “hey, I made a mistake. I will work on being more vulnerable and be intentional about helping you feel safe to do the same” He would have had me back in a heartbeat. I really liked him but I had genuine mixed feelings about letting myself go there.

[@Kinteresting]

@RMS this was definitely the right decision. I was in the same boat as a recovering FA with a DA and I can safely say that no matter how deeply strongly his actions and feelings for me and ways he continued to behave or treat our relationship almost as like a marriage over time.. I very much needed to listen to those quieter but still very clear words. Of wanting to be friends. No matter how much I saw him being conflicted. Because him being conflicted went on for the better part of 3 years.. and me not listening to those words and then standing by my own boundaries in turn, as much as that would have sucked or resulted in pondering missed opportunities (and likely the lack of standing by this early on was my own wounding at play of like being confused but so blindsided that it triggered me to lean even more into our relationship..). But I learned the hard way that if something is going to align with you, it is fine and even necessary to uphold a boundary on your end. Looking back rather than only responding with vague friend zone comments (just responding to his energy by matching it ultimately just creating more confusion for both of us dancing around unsaid other things) OR saying nothing (hoping or thinking similarly well if he came back and said hey I made a mistake.. which is usually kind of unlikely in many cases with a DA unless they’ve done some work but also especially if you mirrored their friend comment by saying the same- even if you didn’t meant it which is the eternal conondrum!) and just engaging in this ambiguous dance for 3 years while along the way complaining about it- I would now be clear and direct and say, hey I heard you say you wanted to be friends. I actually still have feelings and although I’m now confused by you pulling away- i just want to be transparent that I feel more than just friendship. I want to be clear and confirm that that’s truly where you are at right now or if you’re just coming from a place of uncertainty, which I understand. Either way I just don’t want to leave room for ambiguity- so If you want to purposefully pursue a relationship beyond that, please let me know directly, otherwise I want to have whichever appropriate boundaries and distance I need in order to reset this dynamic into a platonic one. Surprisingly most people will respond well to that, rather than looking for our fears to be quelled, as this is leading by example. Certainty is often met with certainty. Now the trick is needing to be ok with whatever that certainty is. And upholding the boundary thereafter. So a yes might end up being responded to with affirmation, or it might make it a definite no. Basically what I’m trying to say is the FA and DA uncertainty dance can go on for an eternity (even worse than with anxious types because it’s complex).. and directness is like, pretty much always the solution. And what I’m saying is whether you said friends or whether you say it directly (I recommend the latter or even being ok circling back to say this again at some point if you wanted)… either way that is way better than doing what I did which was spending 3 years essentially breaking my own heart. By not listening, and responding in turn to the words. That were said early on. And by instead allowing my emotions and his uncertainty lead to the most painful ongoing cycle of on and off again I have ever dealt with. Him continuing to circle back with uncertainty, and essentially auditioning me for role as partner, and me showing up more and more resentful and even less certain of him over time because of this up and down- and one fed into the other. So even when it’s uncomfortable or potentially missing out, I’m all about clear lines now. Obviously I’ve had to learn and heal the hard way and am pretty clear on what I would do differently now 😂 Although to be fair.. his conflicted side over things was SO much and SO confusing I have to be really gentle on myself because I swear even a secure person might have been sucked into the vortex of this particular dynamic. It is so much better. To communicate. To take the no. To move ON. Oh and ps I highly recommend massive distance for getting over your feelings if you have any, before befriending a DA ex.. (any ex but I say DA specifically because at least in my experience, there is a deep desire for closeness and friendship and even emotional connection there that some people can compartmentalize differently, and what they might see as ok emotionally might differ greatly for you so just be attuned to your needs first) trust me if any part of your heart is still able to feel, whether in response to his moments of tugging on it, or if you feel you’d be sad to see him with someone else. As in him very much showing up excitedly to present this to you, in a way you will find cruel and he won’t really understand.. (as this will not be intentionally cruel! Just different peoples varying ways of processing and responding to concepts surrounding love and emotion. And DA’s crave closeness and will take it very much and deeply engage with it where it’s available and especially familiar, while also fully starting up an entirely new dynamic elsewhere and being ok with both realities whereas you might not- which is all fine, different people’s way of approaching relationships and having our needs met) and just needing to be aware. I am just saying protect your heart. And love and understand your person, but know when to do that from afar if you need to first. To sum this up, him saying he wants to be friends, no matter how conflicted or even how much he loves you- in my case anyway was a way of him saying, I am uncertain, I have my own things to heal, and I want to keep you here and love you and let you love me while I explore every other relationship on the planet. And the longer this goes on the more he would protest when I tried to walk away, having grown even more attached (on both ends), but still not wanting to commit. It. Was. Brutal. Over time instead of me looking at it as him being an emotionally unsafe person, I needed to and finally do understand now that I was equally unsafe. And what would have made me trustworthy was upholding a boundary, clearly communicating or asking for clarity also, and responding solidly from that place. No back and forth or wavering. We cannot wish for consistency if we are cocreating dysfunction by being indirect with communication/not saying how we really feel/or being inconsistent also by waiting on others to make us feel safe and not just deciding to that for ourselves. So I am REALLY INTO direct communication and boundaries now. As well as respecting and allowing others to be where they are at. Had to get dragged behind a moving relationship vehicle and emotionally skinned alive to get here but- hey at least I’m here to tell the tale and I’m working my way towards being able to laugh about it. Speak and act up, early and often!! No regrets! The only regret is really loss of self, and one’s own time. Anything meant for us will align as it’s meant to. Trust yourself.❤

[@kellikakes81]

This...

[@johnvillamil3138]

After viewing most of your very informative videos, it seems that the best thing to do is run away from an “Avoidant” before you get hurt. Don’t try to fix them or win them over. RUN!

[@pixieazul19]

I'm FA and I tell them that I'm not interested. When guys won't stop persuing me after I tell them this, I will block them if they don't stop...

[@Anmadis]

I am guilty of two of these; not following up and friendzoning. Although I don't just *allude* to the friendzone usually, I tend to tell people straight up if I'm not feeling that type of connection with them or if I'm not wanting a relationship. However, one problem I often seem to have in spite of this is that many people don't seem to truly *hear* me when I tell them I'm not interested in something beyond friendship with them, especially with AP men - they still continue making "moves" on me or act flirty/needy, even if I point out how that behaviour makes me uncomfortable when I've explained I don't have those feelings. Which in the end results in me distancing myself from them due to feeling like trying to communicate further is pointless because they don't "listen" or respect what I am saying when I'm making an effort to be upfront. Yet I somehow end up feeling like the "bad guy" in the situation even though they technically overstep my boundaries multiple times despite me not being vague nor sending mixed signals.

[@sierraclose749]

I literally just went through this with a presumably AP guy over the past couple weeks. I told him right away that the difference in personal beliefs was a major relationship dealbreaker for me and that I was willing to get to know him better, but that I was hesitant even on a friendship level. He took that as he needed to double down on going on a date to some fancy place in town and text me constantly, while also being just passive enough to get across that he was bothered by my not reciprocating excitement towards everything. I eventually had to shut him down even more bluntly. Thankfully he took it well enough, but it made me angry to have to bluntly turn him down multiple times before he took the "hint."

[@donlandstl]

Hope I don’t meet a FA like what you’ve described ever again. Just got let go by a FA and emotionally unavailable female after nearly 2 years and it’s such a painful, inexplicable rejection. Treated her w such kindness, love, compassion, generosity, respect, availability. Now she’s alone again and feeling the pain of loss too. A lose/lose for both of us. Eventually I’ll be fine, but it will take time. Of course people have needs for other people in their lives. To NOT want/need others to be close to in your life is a red flag. Wanting someone to share a life with is normal, it is not “needy”, it’s natural and an authentic need for human and emotional connection. It’s unnatural to be FA, pushing people away. Being FA is a result of previous trauma or abuse. I’m sorry it happened and I was all in to help my gf deal with it. She just wanted to be alone and continue her search for a unicorn. Please don’t default-blame the person who genuinely wants to have a loving relationship. I’m sorry for whatever may have happened to any FA, yet the break seems mainly rooted in a complex psyche and emotional unavailability. There’s always two sides, just my perspective. You’re entitled to your own also. It’s unfortunate for all I feel. I care for my ex deeply and was willing to work through about anything w her, and on me for that matter. Relationships can be hard, in a divided society particularly.

[@Anmadis]

@@donlandstl What exactly is so bad about what I descibed in my comment, ie communicating to someone you are not romantically interested in them and only wanting friendship? That is completely "normal" regardless of attachment style - to not be romantically interested in everyone who develops a romantic interest in you, and to communicate that in an empathic yet straightforward way. Only being interested in friendship with a specific person is not the same as not wanting nor "needing others to be close", and it does not equal being emotionally unavailable. Your comment comes across almost like shaming me for communicating healthy boundaries when referring to what I initially wrote. People sometimes have perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to be in a romantic relationship at the time, like for example working on themselves or just having ended a long term relationship. Somehow you seem to place blame on the part who is setting a boundary yet siding with the parts who overstep it. Making repeated advances on people who have kindly declined them is not acceptable behaviour in my book.

[@Anmadis]

@@sierraclose749 I completely relate to this type of scenario, including the "double down" reaction from the other person after telling them you aren't interested in them in that sort of way. It's often resulted with the AP person trying to create connection by intensify their communication and trying to hang out almost constantly, texting in a flirty manner or even acting jealous and passive aggressive when I'm spending time with friends or because I'm not as available as they'd like and am not showing the same type (and level) of interest in them as they have for me. This has happened with people I have just gotten to know and in early stages of getting to know them, and also not in a dating "context". It's also not a good feeling to repeatedly reject someone because they aren't accepting what you tell them the first time.

[@sierraclose749]

@@Anmadis Right? And usually they're mostly well-meaning people, but the pushiness is so difficult. I totally understand having a hard time reading cues and mixed messages (I'm terrible at it myself). If I like someone, they're going to get hella mixed messages from me and be confused. But when I don't "like" someone, I'm very upfront and open about that. There shouldn't be any room for confusion or misunderstanding in my rejections

[@destinyalanna]

As an FA I want everyone to know it is not you! Please fall in love with yourselves first! We can’t always like everyone it’s life and honestly I’m healing now but I left a relationship with someone who was very anxious and it drained me and started to compromise my immune system; please have empathy in knowing we are trying but get overwhelmed and our body starts to shut down due to all our trauma! Take rejection as redirection and stop trying to love broken people they have to love themselves first!!!!! 💕💕💕💕

[@donlandstl]

Hello and thank you. You sound like my gf of 2 years who broke up w me again 6 weeks ago and it sucks. I love her and care for her as a human being so much. I know there is something deeper happening inside that is affecting her thinking and actions. I get it, and I have always been fully prepared to help us both work through our unique qualities. It’s really hard being what some call needy or anxious. One could also call it driven or energetic. Like an inspired dog who loves and is loyal to their owner. I do want and need someone to love and I think that’s normal, not needy. Our culture tends to create men and women who are focused on goals and success, and who are trained to never except a “no” as an answer, like in business and competitive athletics. It’s hard to turn off that natural or ingrained philosophy. It’s kind of like auto pilot, so the combination of an FA and people like me is impossibly difficult. Vicious circle for both. Thanks for sharing your perspective, it helps me understand why I am in this spot again.😅

[@destinyalanna]

The only thing you can force or control is yourself. If someone doesn’t want to be with you you cannot force them to be or do things they don’t want to you. Your loyalty should always be to yourself first and your own healing.

[@lenaflab2697]

@@destinyalanna I totally agree with you, it's just hard not to take rejection and sudden indifference personally. After 6 peaceful months together she first told me she doesn't feel anything to me because she might be emotionally blocked, but soon after blamed our incompatibilities and differences (she had "a strong feeling that there was no basis to work on it"). It sounded surprisingly harsh and definitive. Any thoughts...? X

[@destinyalanna]

I would say get everything you want to say out and then go no contact.. if it’s meant to be she will come back around but don’t attach to the outcome of her coming back.. it’s definitely not personal she’s probably just devaluing you in her head with false incompatibility if it was getting too close. Don’t take it personal just remember she’s been rejected before too we all have so don’t put her on a pedestal

[@lenaflab2697]

​@@destinyalanna Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I think you're spot on. Well, I did exactly that, texted things out with her and went no contact - it was a year ago, and she's gone from my life since then... I suggested that maybe we would be friends some time down the line, and she said she would be happy to do that, when I'm ready (when I move on). She fantasized about us at the beginning, but always seemed somehow detached emotionally (in the past she dealt with an eating disorder, engaged in casual sex etc., was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic). It's hard to tell though whether she didn't develop love to me mainly because of her attachment style, or because there was genuinely 'something missing' for her... You seem like a very (self)aware person, I wish you the best on your healing journey!! x

[@Mahrimae]

I thought my FA leaning DA ex of 12 years still cared because he would get jealous about male friends but in retrospect I think it was more about insecurity and feelings of possessiveness rather than affection or love because it was followed up by distancing and lack of attentiveness compared to the beginning of the relationship. Still don’t know if I’m right about that because he wouldn’t communicate but it was getting toxic to keep trying to get past the walls.

[@blossombrown5408]

Usually if a FA gets jealous about male or female friend, it's more about us not being about to trust you, not the actual friendship itself. As in we wouldn't be able to trust you at all with anything.

[@Mahrimae]

@@blossombrown5408 speaking as an FA myself we do tend to throw the whole thing away based on single instances we cannot handle. Just wish I knew what that was exactly. At this point I’m pretty sure it had very little to do with me

[@bbv5490]

When I was FA, I did all of those! 🙈 Now that I'm predominantly secure, I still kinda do them (because they work), but I now follow up more than I did before. I can now be more direct and I am able to better enforce my boundaries.

[@TechieSewing]

"How do I win them over?" "You don't." All those hints you've described are very true. I would casually mention my husband and kids when the topic allows it, just as a way of prevention.

[@hesitantpossum]

This was incredibly useful content, thank you very much!! 👍🏻 Point 4: "Asking about other romantic interests" seems confusing to be on the receiving end of, though it definitely makes sense. Lightly asking about someone's love life, in order to discern if they are truly single and available, could be mistaken as interest perhaps? The intention is different of course.

[@jtcarc]

I agree and echo the sentiments of other FAs, like myself, in these comments. If I am interested in someone, I am present in person and via text. I do all of the things Thais mentioned (which is crazy to hear). I will try my hardest and gentlest to friend zone someone by deflecting from any possible romantic feelings in our friendship. I will often be very indirect which I am normally not and won’t follow through. I try very hard to be considerate with that person’s feelings without having to necessarily have an uncomfortable conversation unless absolutely necessary because I will not lead someone on. Moral of the story: an FA will show up and make their interest and intentions clear. We are very emotionally expressive and feelings come easily. If you aren’t getting warm and fuzzies from an FA, they are probably not interested.

[@FrankM]

Watching this video and the other one about how a Fearful Avoidant shows they like you over text, I personally don't see anything wrong with being direct or forward. If a woman is not interested in me, directly says it or says we're just friends, it's fine with me.

[@SS-in1ts]

Same. I actually feel offended and hurt when someone isn’t transparent even though I appreciate them trying to be polite, it just feels like they’re trying to control the situation and me implying I can’t handle the truth. I really value honesty because it feels safe.

[@ooanari]

I usually just tell people directly if I notice, and I've only done things like these if a) I didn't notice or b) I said I'm not interested and I'm still getting the vibe they're thinking "Ok, but you might be in the future".. I can go into avoidant if they are very insistent. And this is when it's very clear cut. I don't find myself in relationships that I don't want to be in or still figuring it out after a month or so, which probably goes to the point of other things happening if we've been together for more than a month or two and I'm doing anything like this. I didn't think of this from this POV, even, because I can be very direct.. if anything, I do the opposite where people think I'm not interested when I, in fact, am, because I talk about past relationships. I think that's a super important distinction (at least with me).. if I'm talking about past relationships, I'm highly interested in you.. if I talk about "what does it mean when this person did this or said this a week ago"... then that's my friend zoning for sure, and I found it baffling how guys would take this as a sign I'm interested in them! Why would I be interested in you if I'm talking about other people I'm currently seeing and stressed about?! Made zero sense to me until I watched this video and heard people might think that's me making them jealous.. but I don't play those games. Now I wonder why I'm so direct when I am very much an FA. I can't imagine saying anything indirectly (like #3 or 4.. alluding to friendship/friend-zoning comments...too indirect for me and it feels like a game or being fake, and I can not stand that).

[@madhurij2919]

Holy fuck! I can relate 1000 % I’m direct to the point of making it super obvious where someone stands in my life. If I’m asking some guy to analyse the behaviour of some other guy, it definitely means I’m not into them. If I’m talking about past relationships and how they affected me, changed me, shaped me, where I fucked up, where they fucked up, lessons learned then that means I really fucking like you and I’m letting you into my world and I want you to know me because I want something long term with you or at least I can picture you in my future :)

[@93195721]

I believe I was going out with a FA but never knew. We went on a couple of dates and were sexually intimate (also kissing, holding hands and hugging). I felt she was "hot and cold" but still wanted to see her. I stayed at her place a couple of times and felt she felt comfortable with me. At the end, after I told her I really liked her and wanted to see where things would go, she told me she didn't feel the spark or had butterflies but had a very deep connection with me and I was on her wavelength and "got" her. She said she found me attractive but was not attracted to me and had no strong romantic feelings. This confused me a lot because I didn't think we would have done certain things if she was not attracted to me. Initially, I thought I was misled but then thought maybe I just misread a lot of things. I would love to have some insight from a FA.

[@jasonfanclub4267]

Maybe she was more DA than FA? Or there are many small things in her head that made her think you are not the perfect person

[@kathalloran5828]

People are complex, I have slept with people who I was not that sexually attracted to but who I connected with on other levels and I have not slept with people who I was very sexually attracted to. A lot can depend on what else is going on in our lives at the time, how we are feeling about ourselves and if we have worked through other issues we have. I hope that helps.

[@brianmitchell8552]

This happened to me twice. I found myself trying to “win” them over. I got them in a friendship and sexual way but never got them emotionally. This usually turns into a best friends with benefits situation.

[@roshalllambert]

This is an interesting topic! love the knowledge Thais shares!

[@carradee]

XD This makes it all the funnier that gossip started that I was pursuing a particular guy I'd met *when I was doing all that*. We're friends now, and I'm still not pursuing him.

[@deronnekingcaid4328]

@The Personal Development School just wanted to let you know that I just subscribed to your KZbin channel

[@edgreen8140]

It makes me curious if they have difficulty w object constancy since they are present w you but not present when not w you.

[@sierraclose749]

As an FA, I can say object constancy is a huge part of it for myself. I literally have pictures of my friends around my bedroom just so I don't "forget" that they exist and are an important part of my life. It's not that I literally forget them, but more they don't come to mind very easily because they're not right there.

[@katenicholson4152]

100% had issues with object constancy in my previous relationship. It drove me crazy. Felt like I lived a double life- one with them and one without them.

[@lulucol]

I confirm as FA yes I do that things when I amnot interested or into someone.

[@silversunastrology]

This is a great video!

[@lilyjane1011]

I think I am getting mixed signals. Hé responds quickly by texte, showed up at m'y house, took me in his arms but strongly stated he wasn't looking for a relationship. WE met not long ago. I think I am heading towards failure....

[@gatorssbm]

The thing that confuses me is that they exhibit nearly all the signs they want to invest in me but then a month and a half later (not in total weve been together for 5 months now and they had their first panic avoidance episode on me which led me to find out they may have feelings) they randomly decided to talk about a date that went awful. We do generally see each other daily and theyve never really called me a friend in any form. My best guess is theyre hesitant or worried that dating may shift expectations but honestly theyre doing way more work than people who date (showing up 4-7 hours daily) or are just not sure what they want. Im guessing the best way to settle this is probably admitting I have feelings and telling them I dont think Id feel comfortable as a friend after this huge timesink so I can start distancing myself a little at a time, I wouldnt want all that effort of getting them out of those trust issues to go to waste by just suddenly cutting them out and making them feel lost. I just wish I knew cause I know it might risk triggering them or making them feel rushed but I will try to give them time to decide once my intentions are out. But Im not sure if I want to do it in now, a week or a month but at the same time investing more in them might only make rejection hurt much more on my end. I really dont want them to feel rushed or that it was my only intention to get together but I also dont want to feel like I dumped too much support on someone who doesnt feel the same.

[@Malumbrus]

Damn I am going through this right now with what I just learned is with a FA.

[@tashamassey8515]

My issue is I am anxious preoccupied . I'm really bad off with wanting to let go and work on myself but can't let go to the point I wish we hated each other. I broke up with a FA but of conversation have continued at first it was everyday my FA ex was still saying good morning and good night up until about two weeks ago when I told him that we are never going to heal if we don't chill. But me being AP all alone with my feelings all day is struggling with letting go . I do see my FA showing signs that he is letting go but still pulls me back in . I am the one that is really bad. Like to the point I feel crazy because I can't let go and I broke up with him . Out of all my relationships he by far was the best man I have been with . We do still have conversation because he has 4 girls that I still love deeply but I can tell that we both want to move on because we know that we can't be together. To much emotion damage on our kids but how do I stop my over texting and reaching out. I have never been alone and work from home so if I am not talking to him I cry alot if I do talk to him I cry alot or become to clingy to him and we are not together . Being a fa of course he got a 2nd job after I feel he still texting me because he did love me and don't want to hurt me and I'm making both of us not heal. Then again I will force myself to not text for a day and he will reach out. My emotions are so bad that I can't move on and let go . Yes I'm in counseling. I'm so hurt after our relationship that I came becoming avoidant but at the same time anxiously attaching myself to my ex Fa . His my only person I talk to because I'm scared if I reach out to somebody else I will jump back into a relationship that is toxic and not do what I really really want to do and that stop this circle of heartache and love myself.

[@Почемучка-т6в]

Is this about the dating phase or it implies overall?

[@tenderlungs2065]

I'll do everything you said in the video and besides that I'll make jokes and/or change the subject to something else or if it's too obvious to ignore I'll try playing dumb and keeping it light and when that finally doesn't work I end up using an excuse I learned from women and say I need time to learn to know myself first and I'm not ready or something like that. 🤣 Kinda true anyways so I don't feel as bad bc the reason I do that is bc I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings when it comes to rejection bc that's always my subconscious fear when meeting new people. I don't think I can really be won over when I'm not interested either, but never say never. I'm an energy and personality person and I'm attracted to people who I think are being their true selves when we're together bc that need for transparency and consistency to feel safe. People who try too hard or are too over the top too early make me instantly not trust them and wonder what their motives are bc they're not being themselves and are trying to manipulate me, and even though it's bc they like me it still makes me instinctively feel unsafe or something. Whatever the feeling is, I don't like it. I guess if the person came back to me later and said it was their coping mechanisms bc they were nervous or something that might work to start winning me over bc they'd be being transparent. I've had to say that to a DA before and they gave me another chance, so you never know.

[@shortingthetrend]

First like and 🥇 comment

[@shortingthetrend]

I'm with an FA 24/7. I make thousands per week doing stocks options but sometimes I can't concentrate cus my girl acting like a 12yo and doesn't like anything but cartoons

[@Katrica670]

@ShortingTheTrend your girl is acting like a 12yr old? How old is she? 😱

[@shortingthetrend]

@@Katrica670 she is 35.... And I don't mean she is acting like a 12yo all the time, I just mean when it comes to in depth conversations or something important she just hides and runs away. Even when I try to prep her that "I'm 38yo, my nerves are bad, my body is failing, I want us to be healthy so we both live longer life's" meanwhile she just stares at me and then I get a kiss and she resumes her family guy. I loveeeee Rick and Morty so I can tell when she doesn't know what she should put on she'll put on R&M instead of the same ole Prom Night Dumpster baby family guy, American Dad and Futurama reruns. I wanna watch After Hours on Showtime and sex be her 💡 that she institutes during the day but she only does it night and I feel it's to prevent us from fighting the *next* day This relationship is very tiresome

[@Anmadis]

@@shortingthetrend Are you sure she is FA and not DA? From my experience FA's tend to love deep conversations. Has she always avoided deep conversations or heavy topics or is it something that recently started occuring?

[@shortingthetrend]

@@Anmadis she has always been this way. Dismissive avoidant sounds right cus she tends to sweep things under the rug instead of talking about it. Her childhood was evil step moms who were abusive and Daddy always came to the rescue. If her phone was taken away her daddy would give it back when she got home. She has also seen two step moms OD and die on alcohol and for a while had a thing with crying she realized as a young girl every time she started to cry her dad would cry more so she started believing that crying causes more pain and now to this day she doesn't cry or show much emotion. So you think this is more dismissive? Cus she also has that fearful avoidant element to her where she's afraid to be herself cus of "what I think" .. thanks for replying already. If others reply I'll reply back, I'm also on ps5 if anyone wanna talk.... XjaegerbombX 😂

[@Truckguy1970]

None of these are signs. They're all dead giveaways!