What Pace Do Fearful Avoidants Want To Move At When Dating? | Fearful Avoidant Dating

[@mercymunoz1408]

I just realized that I am a fearful avoidant- leaning DA. It makes sense that I am because I tend to attract anxious preoccupied partners or avoidant ones. I prefer, 6 months for commitment. 3-4 months is too soon for me. I also prefer not to talk to someone everyday when I am getting to know someone. I like to have time to myself because relationships are still very triggering for me. Besides, I like to have time to myself to recharge since I am introvert. This days in between (of not texting) allows me to regulate my nervous system and be more present when we do. I am also about “quality” conversations not “quantity”. I do not want to text someone everyday, I’d prefer 1 hour of “quality” conversations throughout the day rather than meaningless conversation all throughout the day. I don’t need to know everything that you do during the day. It’s actually kind of exhausting for me and don’t really care for it.

[@tinkerz72]

FA finally dating a secure and the pacing is perfect. There’s no pressure. He’s not overbearing and demanding-yet he’s also consistent. I can finally relax.

[@AG-vp1ok]

Glad you can relax! Are you dating or in an exclusive relationship?

[@ChelseaHA1]

Wow nice to hear.

[@Cheryl9675]

One of my issues with dating my FA (I'm secure leaning anxious bc of him) is HIS inconsistency. So, to hear a FA mention consistency is interesting.

[@Mississippian]

I was so scared of the whole thing, I didn't even want to call it "dating". I could only bear to think of it as a friendship because I didn't want it to progress to anything more scary. Romance was out of the picture till he was already meeting my top needs. It worked out much better as it created a more realistic relationship rather than both of us trying to fill into the role of partners. I didn't care about how long it took.

[@henryzhao4622]

Asked out an FA on a date that otherwise clearly saw a future with and they totally freaked and blocked me… as an FA should I wait a few months hope to try again? What goes on in the FA mind to talk about a romantic future then run with asked on an official date

[@Mississippian]

@henryzhao4622 No, leave them alone. FAs have tremendous capacity to heal and work on themselves, when the time is right for them. Do not chase, do not pursue. Whatever went on in their mind to talk about a future and then run is not any of your business and serves no purpose. You should focus on your own well-being which is to find a person who wants what you offer. The tendency to obsess over what could have been will defeat you if it goes unchecked.

[@henryzhao4622]

@@Mississippian that’s fine thanks. But I resent the notion that the recipient of the sudden shift after a “future” fake has no right to demand some level of clarity. To push someone to move faster and then suddenly ditch them once they do is really traumatizing, like one person spreading their trauma to another

[@Mississippian]

@henryzhao4622 what you're feeling are your own past wounds, they didn't create new trauma, probably just ignited old ones. What happened with this person is causing you to create imaginary painful stories about yourself. Instead of seeing this incident as "person was not ready to date" which has nothing to do with you, maybe you see it as personal confirmation of your beliefs around being unlovable, unworthy, rejected, unwanted, etc. Your core wounds also caused you to be attracted to an unavailable person It is easy to think the other person is trying to deliberately hurt us, we need to heal the core wounds inside us so we create fulfilling relationships. At the end of the day, all relationships are voluntary and no one has the right to make demands any more than they have the right to forcefully make someone stay.

[@henryzhao4622]

@@Mississippian word, so if I told you I wanted to marry you and we envisioned one together and planned to get closer and then I left, it is unfair to me for you to be upset with me.

[@datshoehead23]

Wow this seems spot on with the FA girl I was just talking to. We were texting for a few weeks before I finally asked her out, I was setting the pace of texting her maybe every other day (and I'm AP lmao), just to get to know each other and see the connection. We finally go out, have a great time, the chemistry is clearly there. Then she steps up the texting and snapchats to daily and all day. So to me I'm like "ok, I can reciprocate this, it's the pace she wants". This went on for another 6 weeks, going on a date a week, all seemed good. Then the holidays roll around (she's mentioned the holidays are always a hard time for her/family stuff), I can see she's stressed, starts to withdraw and things kinda go down hill from there. She was a great girl, and we never got to place of commitment so I've just let her go. But from this video, sounds like she probably burned out and the flight response kicked in. I won't lie, the abruptness of the ending still stung. She was a very cool person and she shared with me a lot of the trauma she experienced in her childhood, and I appreciated her feeling comfortable enough to do that. I hope she is able to work through these things, and hey maybe one day we meet again.

[@lissie3669]

Your ability to be compassionate will be really rewarding for you in life, your future SO is very lucky

[@martinrenard6163]

I have had the exact same experience recently. Weirdly enough sometimes I felt I was the only one going through this. I'm AP leaning and am open to committing quite fast, but with the girl I was seeing we talked online for 2 months at a similar pace that you descibed (it was long distance) and then finally met and yes the chemistry was there and she started to text at least once a day, but after 3 weeks she started to pull back and when I saw her again she seemed to not feel the connection anymore, even though she said she liked me so much and from then on started going hot and cold the whole time. We also never got to a commitment in the end, even though I always told her we can take our time. Even though I wanted to be with her, having some patience was something I was willing to have for her. Still she decided to bail. I saw her again in my city, since that was already planned and the chemistry was still very much there, even though it was officially over and out at that point. She is amazing, but our connection seemed to really scare her. She even came back wanting to try again, but again without any commitment in mind, so I had to tell her that even though I care so much about her, I would want to work towards a relationship. She seemes to have vanished at this moment and it just feels weird.

[@anon13ew903erg]

As a recovering FA here who can relate i will respectfully say your isnight falls one step short of actual compassion and honestly kind of worse than if u had no insight at all. If she recovers she will just be better at communicating her vulnerabilities ,which it looks like she did w u. What remains then is she will be better st recognizing who can meet her needs and ends things with them sooner or nit get involved st all - bc her core needs of having a traumatic family is still there. Being secure doesnt mean u dont have wounds or problems in ur life. Ure just better st meeting ur own needs and identifying who wants to deliver genuine compassion to u - not in insight or emotion but action. She wont come back for a perm stay when she’s healed - she knows now that she cant trust u, you are capable of seeing her struggles, but that you wont act on them except to reminisce on what you missed out in if not for her trauma. Maybe its not fair to ask people to deal w their partner’s problems, but i dont think anyone can live a life w someone and not have personal problems at some point.

[@julesD0222]

@@martinrenard6163Any updates? Did she reach out again after that?

[@surfreadjumpsleep]

dating a FA who is not aware of herself as an FA is NOT worth it. Lesson learned.@@anon13ew903erg

[@jude4247]

Between coming across these videos and The Crappy Childhood Fairy videos...learning about Fearful Avoidance, Limerick, CPTSD, Disregulated Nervous Systems....for the 1st time in my life I feel seen. Happy healing to us all! I am so happy to discover tools to help me work through these things.

[@jude4247]

Limerance not Limerick

[@AliValentine143]

Absolutely PDS and Crappy Childhood Fairy I've made so much progress this year

[@coreygeiger81]

The board game analogy is one of the most accurate descriptions I’ve ever heard about any kind of relationship.

[@cloudslady3400]

I’m beyond shocked by FA’s who want to text EVERY day that’s overwhelming for me…even though I’m Fa too but two to three times a week of texting or calling or anything is more than enough for me..

[@Cheryl9675]

I'm secure, and I even think talking every day is a lot! A quick check-in is fine but constant communication daily is a lot, especially since life is already so busy.

[@marekin8024]

As a FA leaning DA... I'm more likely to want commitment with a DA than a PA because the expectations from a PA is just way too much too soon. DAs are more respectful of my boundaries I feel. I also don't like the all day texting "what are you doing?", When I see that, I'll only ignore you😬

[@ScottH7651]

Wow, you just explained what happened in my last relationship. She's definitely FA but I didn't know that- she didn't state it on her dating profile and I had no way of knowing. We went too fast and she hit the eject button suddenly. I wondered why she couldn't discuss the pace- I would've been happy to slow things down. I've been suffering since but this helps to understand. Thank you!

[@AlexandraErnst-dj5yi]

It’s very hard for FA to even know what their needs are, let alone communicate them. The very idea of expressing needs causes anxiety, which then leads to avoiding a convo all together. It’s very complex :(

[@sadiqua7]

Same, I’d be happy to go slow, if I knew this then, I would’ve brought it up, maybe he wouldn’t have run. What’s frustrating is he still wants to be “friends” but won’t meet me in person but orbits around my neighborhood and tells me!

[@koala01111986]

My FA ex came in full speed, exclusive since day 1 (he laid his eyes on me years ago but never stopped me to talk until he found me again accidentally), texting a lot like every day and even for hours and hours, seeing each other a lot, he pulled back during the Xmas holidays (stressful period), then we talked & he opened up to me about some struggles & him keeping people at arm's length, then the connection got deeper and deeper & all his fears started to come up & after 4 months run away, even though he was still full of feelings.

[@ronaldharrison3005]

Great video. I now understand that our two different attachment styles had more to do with our relationship ending than our final disagreement. My old FA would have to become secure in order for our relationship to stand a chance for long-lasting survival.

[@henryzhao4622]

Not just FA but CPTSD makes people end things before they start right

[@McGeeJ]

Dude. What you said at the 9 minute mark was the final piece, I think. He even tried to tell me (in cute therapy speech,) but I was also triggered but didn't know about any of this, so I leaned anxious, when I'm really not. I wish I'd found you three months ago, but I'm glad I found you now.

[@howtosober]

Just a note on texting, it's not always the attachment system that determines texting behavior. Texting is not everyone's favorite mode of communication- unless it's for short, transactional messages, ex.- and many of us who are neurodivergent absolutely hate it. Nothing makes me feel more like a hostage than being tied to a device where I have to quit what I'm doing with my hands every few seconds/minutes to message someone back so they don't feel like I'm being rude. It feels intrusive to what has my attention in the moment and makes it too hard for me to focus on what's in front of me. When someone insists on texting as being their main mode of communication and won't adjust by calling instead after I've stated my needs, I start getting resentful and lose interest in the connection. For anything longer than three sentences or three messages back and forth, I want to be called or talk face to face.

[@anzelaiv]

Couldn't agree more. I don't think I'm neurodivergent but certainly an introvert and sometimes it can be unpleasant to simply listen to discussions about how people should be texting each other regularly because it's "healthy for the relationship". I get that it might be, especially in long-distance relationships, and we should be discussing it but also... people had relationships when texting didn't exist. There are other forms of communication and we don't have to rely on all of them just because they exist. Talking all day every day? Life is busy, there is so much interesting and important things to do, and I appreciate a person with a rich and meaningful life more than someone who relies on me for entertainment. Then again, I grew up without a cellphone so my idea of good communication could be very different from people who are now in their 20's.

[@DaisyPeel]

💯💯💯💯💯💯 Texting is to make plans, not to have a conversation. Call me if you want to talk, we'll cover more ground much faster, and learn a lot more about what the other person has going on and what they mean. I don't understand how more people don't understand this!

[@6maria94]

Thanks! I was literally going crazy with anxiety due to not wanting to text my bf. We had talked about it before, he always told me I could just tell him when I'm not in the mood to text and he won't mind, but I can't just do that, I feel like he would be hurt. Last week I finally said I was literally anxious because I was bored texting him and he was really fine with that, and he hasn't text me during the day lately... I feel so free xD it totally changes the entire relationship. I felt like being in a cage and now I feel like I can be myself when I'm without him. I feel like, to me, having time to feel like an individual is important xD I would love to do a daily call, but texting the entire day, pls don't. It has been a week, but it changed the entire relationship xD

[@6maria94]

@AliSand I personally love to text the entire day when I'm getting to know someone. There's so many things to learn, and learning about a new person you're dating is exciting and texting is fun and flirty. I don't like texting during the day after a while. Suddenly there's not more stuff to learn about that person, and all conversation will be casual and stuff that happened during work, which usually is pretty monotonous. I hate casual conversation. I really think that after the fascination of meeting the person is over, not texting regularly is literally better. Let the person do her stuff and be an individual when s/he's alone. She'll feel so much better that she could just focus on the things that make her complete and authentic. And then she'll go home, and because she 100% focused on that stuff, she'll be so much more excited to share it with you. Trust me

[@sherriflemming3218]

Texting is emotionally lazy and a form of breadcrumbing. Artificial intimacy with a pen pal. Studies indicate it's a preferred style of communication by avoidant attachments. There's a podcast by Coach Craig Kenneth, Are They Breadcrumbing?

[@iashleighx]

Omg Thais I've been waiting for this video after you posted the others and to my surprise you use my spirit animal...sea turtle ❤️❤️❤️

[@TatiTalks]

Do you have any fun exercises fearful avoidants can do with their partners to build healthy connection at the start of a relationship? I’m thinking of question game or almost a mini exposure therapy session but broken down into bitesized pieces - like a hack to avoid burnout/encourage being present/avoid pressure build up. Want it to be a little fun! A less stressful exercise to do together to break down limiting beliefs and encourage not abandoning yourself

[@gogohappygirl]

There are couples card games you can buy on Amazon and likely elsewhere online to foster connection. As an FA, I absolutely love those, but I have to use the game sparingly with my DA partner who is easily overwhelmed by them. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve considered studying the cards and just trying to build the questions into general conversation.

[@onnol917]

A tip I have is to talk about something you both did and really enjoyed. Say what you both liked about it. This will make you understand the other better and express your own desires/needs in a positive way.

[@tammy6452]

I had not looked at any of my attachement style before getting into my second marriage, the marriage ended. This time even though I am not sure what I am doing I do know that I am taking the time to try and figure this out. No sense in repeating the same mistakes over and over and uprooting my life again and again to start over again and again,

[@user-js4mt1nr2y]

I would say I tent to adjust to the other which is why I become hot and cold because it boomerangs back fast and have some sort of panick reaction, probably pushing them away but in a way I am not ready to let go of them yet it feels like I loose controll and I really wanted to get to know the person as the attraction is there. I noticed for myself the 3/4 month mark would probably feel the best but I would feel safer if the other person expresses it around that time first. So with an avoidant I would just chill they show their intrest then it gets more calm and then all the sudden I feel loke they waste my time and aren't intentional but playing me and I will or reject them first or I will pressure them to put the tempo up to show me they really care and feel very anxious and desperate so if that's not happening I am out. With anxious they really nagged and pressured me to go over my boundries without feelng comfortable I will try to stall but then gave in as a sort of gift to them so the complaining will stop and they won't be so insecure but then I start to realise that I feel like I should live up to the titel or to the sexual libeties and I litterly pressured myself mentally to give way more than I felt comfortable with. I litterly pep talked myself into things not even cause I cared so much for the person cause it was way too early but because I felt I didn't want to sabotage a chance on love.. As I really don't like to date and find people and basically to go though the whole vulnerable with strangers fase.

[@IanRoyball128]

Thanks!

[@markkillick4925]

Your very good exactly right im a fearful avoidant and my girlfriend is definitely an Dismissive avoidant in six months three break ups so far its difficult as she does not speak English so lots of texting and google translate its the hardest relationship ive ever had but i love her to bits

[@MoschinoAmore]

You mentioned that 3 months is the commitment time frame for Secures. Can you do a video on the pace of Secures as to the other things (texting, phone calls, seeing each other)?

[@misslady3]

I would like this as well.

[@shinebabyshine.]

I would love this as well

[@hspinnovators5516]

I think they are adaptable overall

[@amysmith695]

This info is included in her Personal Development School program. You can check it out for a few trial but trust me, the content is so beneficial, you'll want to join. I've learned so much from her lessons! 🎉

[@aaronsinspirationdaily4896]

Thus definitely rules out my ex being an FA. She didn’t match this at all. Thankyou for helping.

[@kushinaidu1168]

i love the way the video has been divided. its much more convient, i hope we get to see more of that :))

[@hope4657]

could you please make one about secure people dating pace. especially when paired with AA.

[@gogohappygirl]

Spot on as usual! This describes me to a T as an FA leaning AA. Here’s an interesting sidenote. I met my partner online during the pandemic when we were still locked down & unvaccinated, so we had an extra stage of dating virtually. It was at the four month point of virtual dating after our first vaccine that I finally felt ready to take that next step of meeting in person. Then after four months of dating in person, I felt ready to move to the next level until, of course, something happened to trigger my anxious side & then I swung into my avoidant side & pulled back. Two years later, and we’re still together, though, moving at our slow pace. I liken us to a snail & a turtle. If you haven’t guessed already, I’m dating a DA or possibly an FA leaning DA. 🐌💜 I’d love it if you could do a video about how virtual dating during the pandemic has impacted the pace of relationships, especially for FA and DA.

[@christinarichie6171]

You took an experimental injection for a cold 🤣 Just sit down and think about it. Where are the animal trials? Don't "vaccines" take 7 -10 years to develop?

[@christinarichie6171]

I'd advise you not to take anymore.

[@godswordevangelism]

My FA has only wanted to text once a week. We were texting for 6 months (because he lives in another state). I was not pushing for commitment and actually abandoned my anxious tendencies because I knew he is an avoidant and didn't want to push him away. Then after the 6 month mark he stopped talking to me altogether. We are in no contact presently.

[@roshalllambert]

I was curious to know about FAs pace! I knew about DAs and APs.

[@arba60]

I have identified with a most of the FA videos so far other than this one. For me texting a lot is important and I also typically commit sooner than the 3 month mark. Could this still be possible for an FA? A bit confused whether I have an AP or FA attachment style

[@sorakairi118]

Thank you for the work and videos. It’s been immensely helpful in healing and learning myself and others. Thank you so much.

[@s0clever-qk5xt]

this is the first video that doesn't upset me

[@michaelblue6150]

Can you explain more how FAs panic and self sabotage ?

[@melinab7771]

I'm FA and I don't relate at all. I guess I was more AP when dating. My ex (AP) moved fast but I went along with it. We were exclusive from the start without even talking about it (never did), he talked about moving in together after 2 months, met our families after 3 months...

[@Medietos]

good stuff, but downcast experiencing no men on dating-apps active in self-healing and -development, or even willing to do your good test or EVEN learn and practise dating-stages, or show interest in my attachment style. Should we settle for a nice, psychologically-spiritually passive, dormant man, since the active ones are probably taken? Or stay deadly single? Shall I just take the lead here and set the limits? Not sucessful at all so far. Probably because I haven't had it calm enough to really heal properly. You giving me access to my PDS again would help well. Thanks for the videos, be well.

[@AstroSquid]

dating to commitment... I think for people older, like over 50 it might be a lot longer depending on style.... is there any studies on that?

[@cher8471]

Hello Thais!!! Much love

[@avonleamontague2469]

When I was dating A LOT I usually only texted to set up a date. I liked wondering about them between then and the date and they by default do the same. It confused some guys, but it increases attraction haha

[@Catend]

Is there anything I can do if things moved too fast with an FA and she self-sabotaged?

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Do FAs ever feel safe enough to successfully go through the the commitment phase?

[@1chienandalou]

What kind of question is this? FAs just like others are able to have relationships, even lifelong marriages

[@jaredvaughan1665]

If fearful avoidants go at the same pace as secure types does not this mean they are healthier than anxious and avoidants? Because they are more balanced

[@anzelaiv]

You would think that, but it's probably the opposite. FA's more often come from dysfunctional environments and usually have more issues to work through. Some say, FAs can't be healed but thankfully, it's not true, it might just take longer. The "healthy" timeframe is a result of them flipping from wanting something to doubting it, they won't necessarily use this time to assess the suitability of the potential partner, while a secure person would do the latter.

[@steffiekensley8743]

FAs do have a more dynamic attachment style than DAs or APs and are presumably not as polarized as the latter two in approaching or retreating from relationships. I look at FAs as the insecure attachment style with the most core wounds but also attachment strategies. So, if they can simply learn when it's safe to activate and when boundary-setting or deactivating is required, they're essentially using the same tools they already had but in order. Plus, add in creating smaller boundaries instead of deactivating altogether, learning to trust their discernment with people and getting exposure to sharing their needs with people they've identified as safe, secure attachment could be a stone's throw away.

[@RussMalina]

Thais is stunning 😍

[@Tam438]

always so helpful...🙏

[@thoughtsideas6929]

In general, 1) Do men tend to mis-assign themselves as Securely attached when taking these attachment assessments?, 2) Is there a particular attachment style that Narcissists look like on the surface - which attachment style do narcissists typically have? 3) How to tell diff btw someone who is truly that attachment style vs a Narcissist???

[@anzelaiv]

This channel has videos on narcissism vs attachment styles that would answer your questions. Just browse through.

[@cappygurl]

My guess on men thinking they are securely attached would be, most people probably think they are securely attached because they see their patterns ad normal to them. I was an AP/FA and I thought the problem was always the DAs that I dated. That was until I dated a more secure guy and then I started to notice i had some issues. But still I just thought it was because we weren't compatible. I will also be lead to think that more men lean avoidant and they would think themselves very emotionally stable when in reality they are just repressing and using avoidance tactics. I can't count the number of guys that I hear say women are so emotional and it's meant as a criticisms.

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@AnimeNewsRadio101]

Can this work on short term relationships/situationship?

[@henryzhao4622]

What’s the secure way to respond to an FA going fast and suddenly ejecting?

[@henryzhao4622]

Can we be fair to anyone who dates an FA, that this goldilocks zone is nearly impossible to stay in consistently without super clear communication. It really isn't fair for most people to walk on eggshells unless they are very clearly told and given a chance to implement that.

[@jaredvaughan1665]

If fearful avoidants go at the same pace as secure types why are they not likely to attach?

[@anzelaiv]

It's probably not about the of time itself but what you do with it.

[@henryzhao4622]

Hi Thais, if a FA asks you about your future plans and family, is it unreasonable to assume that they were interested in a future together, and to ask them on a date? Or is the situation such that even a date is considered a trap to an FA. I want to know what is reasonable to both sides.

[@FM-zg5hz]

No one told the FA to text every day. They do that to themselves then spook out. Not a Secure’s fault. They lovebomb then spook themselves out and blame the other person.

[@cappygurl]

This also depends on if the FA is more FA or if they lean more anxious or more avoidant. I used to be a very anxious leaning FA so I would love daily communication and even in my longest relationship of 8 months we would text almost daily. Of course I found other ways to sabotage by flaw finding.

[@cappygurl]

FAs are very traumatized people they don't do things to be spiteful. I know I used to be one. Also we can heal I am now almost 80% secure. I definitely operate on more secure patterns.

[@shubikl9826]

So true

[@1chienandalou]

You don’t have to text back or adapt to someone else’s pace and then “blame” them for “lovebombing”. Tomato tomato.

[@henryzhao4622]

@@1chienandalouHAHAHAHA ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, if I ask you to run fast with me and then you do and I say “fuck why run so fast” I HAVE PROBLEMS

[@lisaq787]

Where is that abortable shirt from!??

[@IanRoyball128]

Wrote a song 'bout it.. Wanna hear 'bout it? Here it go.. Then you say go slow, I fall behind. The second hand unwinds.. If you're lost, you can look and you will find me, time after time. If you fall, I will catch you. I'll be waiting, time after time.. If you're lost, you can look and you will find me.. Time after time. If you fall, I will catch you - I will be WAITING, Time after time. 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 😁 flip the script 💚

[@sherriflemming3218]

We live in hookup culture.

[@cappygurl]

I see this as sign of how much insecurely attached people are out there. It's not really 50% of the population being secure its more like 25 to 30% max. Secure individuals are usually looking for healthy monogamous relationships. Before starting PDS I was part of situationships. But now that I am more secure I am no longer partaking on that and I am now looking for a committed relationship. Situationships and hook up culture is perfect for all those emotionally unavailable people because it gives them some superficial connection but without any of the vulnerability that is required for a more serious committed relationship.

[@sherriflemming3218]

@@cappygurl Thanks for your response. I have a secure attachment with a few avoidant tendencies and have always sought committed long term monogamous relationships. That's my history or relationship pattern. With lengthy periods of being single in between. Agree with your points. .Great if your relationship pattern has changed. The older we are the smaller percentage of people there are in the available population with a secure attachment. It's roughly about 20% of the male population in the US that fits into the category of wants committed partnership and or has a skill set for a healthy relationship. If you're interested have a listen to Jonathan Aslays podcasts. His focus is for women that specifically want healthy partnerships .However he coaches men as well. Has done the demographic research in the U.S. Very realistic,and no nonsense. A tough love approach with great advice, resources and strategies to empower women in dating and relationships. I respect and admire him greatly as he did years of personal development (was Anxious Attachment) and accepts complete ownership for his past.. My favorite podcast is " "Spot The Wrong Guy".Susan Winters is informative as well. All the best! 🇨🇦

[@pisceandreamer3]

Avoidant here. More than happy to not date. I'll date myself. I don't need anyone, I don't want anyone depending on me and I don't want to be beholdant to anyone. I don't want to have to ask permission to do stuff I wana do and I don't want hassle for not messaging enough etc. Literally wana be left alone to do my own thing freely. What i value most in life is Joy, Freedom and Time. In that order. Anything else is not for me. While ever someone supplies me with joyful experiences I'll give them my time but if they threaten my freedom I'm gone. It causes me actual anxiety. Like, I literally feel allergic to people I freak out n run. It's actually quite a stressful way to live. Especially because anxious attachment people seem to be super attracted to avoidant people and it's just the worst combo ever. Leaving them makes us arse holes and them poor victims but it's not the case.

[@gregorystinette8271]

Great comment. I feel ya. Just get a dog.

[@gregorystinette8271]

Great comment. Just get a dog. Shalom

[@Regina.Clarke]

I feel like it all depends on perception. For me, my DA assumed control when I was trying to understand, so we can avoid taking things personally. I’m an FA and swing both ways and can stay chill most of the time when people are transparent. I don’t want people to control me or to control anyone else, but questions or even suggestions shouldn’t be taken as static. My DA had a crazy schedule, didn’t make plans to see me that worked with him, but wanted to see me more… I have a life and can’t be expected to always be available when he is ready especially if we don’t live together and are in different cities. Control and availability works both ways. We can find a happy medium with the right person and the right amount of communication to understand each other. I would rather unfiltered words to allow for understanding than beating around the bush and surprises because someone didn’t state their boundaries. In summary, just make sure you’re not assuming control when the person might not be aiming for that. Also take things into context.

[@theplaylister]

@@Regina.Clarke great point

[@ksyrahsara]

Great video Thais, I’d love to see a video on the secure pace too and how that causes the to interact with the different attachment styles. What are the challenges they still need to overcome if they are dating an FA, AP, or DA?

[@fubao588]

Do they like to have children

[@dj1unique]

I want some advices, I m dating a woman who is in her middle forties and I am in the middle of my thirties. I want to know if this gap of near 10 years is not a problem to have a great relationship. And my second question is how can I not care about people opinions about that gap when I ll marry her, especially opinions of my family

[@6maria94]

I think it's a age gap that works well. Both are mature and have worked on yourselves, most likely. But there are other things to consider. A woman in her mid forties will have some troubles getting pregnant, already. Do you want kids? Have you talked about her wanting kids and/or being able to? Would you be up for adoption? I think on these matters, the age might be an influence. If you're aligned on these biological matters, age won't matter. The rest will be up to compatibility, of course. Now, if you're a FA, the part where you have to deal with the opinions might be an issue. I personally have trouble with that. But it really depends. Have you always cared about what others think more than you should? I think that some things should be avoided. If a person care about intelligence, or beauty, wtv, and then people say you're partner is dumb or ugly, will that affect him/her? If so, don't date people who might create that problem. I would personally avoid people who trigger anything in me, as an FA. And public opinions might be one. If you really like her, and you don't see any problems with compatibility, go ahead, my friend :) wish you all good things

[@dj1unique]

@@6maria94 thank you my friend for your answer, your ideas helped me to be aware of some important things that I have not considered, like the fact that my girlfriend can have issues to be pregnant, I should first learn more of the probability of this risk, and also talk with her about this topic. I believe that nothing is impossible, I might be so unreasonable

[@1chienandalou]

@@dj1unique your girlfriend is very unlikely to have biological children. It’s surprising you have not spoken about this elephant topic. This topic is the only one that I can see being the issue you must address and you will almost certainly have your family and friends comment about. Otherwise a 10 year age difference between adults in this age range is not significant enough in my opinion to worry about or be concerned with society approval or what anyone thinks. But it’s surprising to me you thought about that and not children? I am sorry to be blunt but as a biomedical professional I am going to be since you don’t seem to realise this fact: any woman over 40 is unlikely to be able to conceive quickly and has lower odds to be able to have a healthy pregnancy that carries to term. And you will need to be taking fertility treatments or adoption quite seriously for a female in their mid 40s to have a child. We all heard of that one person who had a baby at 45 but those are super rare miracle babies and don’t bank on that happening! Finding love is miracle enough! If you don’t want children of course none of this matters. Good luck! :))

[@theplaylister]

@@1chienandalou that's not quite true, i know many women who had kids in their early forties, my mum included. Yes it's more of a risk but it's not as black and white as that. Also many women nowadays took their precautions and froze their eggs, so it's important to not make assumptions either

[@AXC629]

#SEX Its not the hormones that are so tough to deal with - its the hormones up to one's eyeballs. Hormones motivate words and actions. Hormones bring together like they were designed to but people aren't staying together because of broken belief structures among many other reasons.✌🤣😘

[@jasonfanclub4267]

I am very slow 😂

[@cleopatrajones7096]

I’d love to see a video on why when if I self sabotage, I have zero regrets! Why is that? My relationships last about 3months average and I’ve seen way to many faults for me to negotiate pacing. I’m out! And someone gets so pushy, I’m out. Like that’s a red flag for me. Why so pushy, brother? Haven’t been able to find someone that’s willing to stick out and be there for me. They usually run too because they’re afraid of rejection. And I’m cool with that. I like it when people break up with me so it’s not always my “issue”. And they can’t come back and blame because they’re doing the breaking up. Yeah no regrets. I wonder if I’m picking up on unavailable men?? 🤯 I just had an ah ha moment ..

[@cleopatrajones7096]

@AliSand thanks for the reply. So when someone comes at me with insults, there’s nothing to discuss. If I’m in a relationship with you and this how you approach me, I’m out. Thanks for highlighting it. And all other people reading, take note. Don’t approach your partner with insults. That’s not called communication.

[@cappygurl]

I would say that you don't have regrets because this is your coping pattern and relationships feel very hard and can unsettle fA leaning attachment styles. Also you feel relief when you leave because by pushing the person away you push the negative feelings away. But you might want to come back when you have regulated. Also what you should know is that all of the 3 insecure attachment styles are emotionally unavailable even the anxious types. Also flaw finding is a way for the avoidant attachment styles to stay safe. The thought process is if I find the "perfect" partner I will be not be triggered and that will keep me safe, but there is not such thing. The way Thais explains FA attachment is they yearn for love so much, but are very afraid of it at the same time. This is usually because FAs are created by chaos, trauma, and abuse in childhood. You are still human you will need connection but you are extremely afraid of it because as a child it came with the feeling of not being safe or not feeling safe. I am a secure/FA now.

[@sherriflemming3218]

@@cappygurl Spot on.

[@henryzhao4622]

The way you talk comes off as entitled and self centered. That's why you aren't in relationships with good men. They want someone who cares not just about themselves.

[@cleopatrajones7096]

@@henryzhao4622 Maybe. It’s funny I feel like I give until I can’t give no more. So I think that’s why I don’t care that the person left. A load has been lifted. I’m beginning to see I choose addicts to take care of and clearly that’s my issue. I’m not interested in a one way relationship and if that makes me entitled and self centered, I’ll happily accept that.

[@henryzhao4622]

Please acknowledge: YOU guys are the problem. If you don’t do everything to fix your issues, DO NOT EVER date; because you are throwing the suffering you have felt on everyone else. Unacceptable.

[@thelovely961]

I used to send the break up text when I wanted space and became overwhelmed, thank goodness those days are behind me. 😅🤍