4 things you should never say to someone struggling

There's an epidemic of unhelpful responses when someone opens up about their struggles. My take: Most well-meaning people inadvertently make things worse because they simply don't know what to say.
When we see loved ones suffering, it triggers distress in us too. Our instinct is to quickly make their pain go away, for our sake as much as theirs. But rushing them through emotions or invalidating their fexelings creates isolation.
I want to look at four common unhelpful responses, and give you some new tools to use. These tools also apply to your self-talk - be your own supportive friend.
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[@em_m5989]

When people say "everything happens for a reason" it's just a euphemism for "the universe is fair, you deserve every bad thing that happened and then some, now go away".

[@TheKeyanna]

Yeah that one always really gets to me when things are going bad. The world can be extremely illogically cruel. However sometimes things seem to be in a positive flow and synchronise with my inner wants and beliefs. Maybe a better term would be: everything happens because of a reason.

[@lhmccool67]

Yes! That and "it's all part of god's plan..." 🤬 Platitudes truly suck.

[@1legend517]

I agree 100%. It's my most hated expression. What a load of BS!

[@wendys9500]

@@lhmccool67I can never understand why god, a supposedly benevolent being, would include innocent people’s pain and suffering in a “plan.” I don’t think there’s any good reason to justify causing misery to somebody.

[@g.flesch9731]

​@@lhmccool67God does not plan for humans to suffer.

[@sharminiserasinghe3293]

It's best to avoid people with no empathy when you're feeling down and depressed.

[@paulinemanifold436]

That's why I avoid everyone ! Coz as far as my experience goes nobody seems to care except my v elderly parents.Even my mum who has vascular dementia has retained her empathy thus far 🙏

[@GingerBiPolarBear]

I can add two. 1. Do not promise to do anything for the person which you dont want to or are not willing to. They do not need more disappointment. Rather offer to do small things you know you will do. 2. Do not say "let me know if you need anything or i can do anything for you" and then disappear. Firstly because you won't be willing to do "anything" for them...see point 1. And secondly because that person may not have the motivation to call you and ask for something, or they might not know what they want or need, or they might feel like a burden when they do. Please do follow up with them at an appropriate time and ask whether you can do X, Y or Z for them. Think of things you'd like someone to do for you in their situation.

[@julialucas1482]

10 Thumbs up!

[@madamerousseau78]

Excellent advice!

[@lailanitukuafu]

This is exactly it, 100%. I am so sick and tired of hearing "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help" because it's an empty promise and it's also making me reach out and ask for help (which I suck at)

[@annelbeab8124]

​@@lailanitukuafuit's only ok after helping already... I completely second what you say. I hate empty promises and pseudo open offers. I just said this line tonight to someone - a total stranger before- who I happened to be with in a travel group and just the two of us for days. Listening to repeated telling of a severe loss and another tragedy happening while we were travelling. It absorbed all and I refrained from making more offers, yet signalled I will be there in case no one else of friends and family musters up. I already invested hours and days of a much needed holiday and now it's the responsibility of others.

[@RemoWilliams-jg4yb]

Spot on, and I have had all of these said to me.

[@susanhills8015]

Trying to think positive when you have anhedonia, depression and ptsd flashbacks is nigh on impossible!

[@smithhamilton3024]

Absolute truth. Well expressed. Thank you!

[@Maggies87]

We hear you. If you can manage it, watch health news in your country (Great Britain?). U.S. FDA approval for the use of MDMA for PTSD is coming soon, and it’s expected that approval in other countries will follow. Hugs.

[@_Chessa_]

@@JulietCrowson I think Dr Scott should talk about people that do exactly what you do in the comment section. whenever people shove their own faith into others comments after they share the way they feel, has always been very unhelpful to me and from what I’ve seen, hasn’t been helpful to others. I see it as toxic as heck because the church caused me personal trauma. You never know if someone has had trauma from that same religion and you don’t know their religion either or if they don’t believe. I also see it as trolling online to get people to comment in anger. An instigator. Which I’m commenting about this for others to know that’s what a lot of people do. They comment to create unnecessary emotional grief. unhelpful to many people. Maybe it’s not unhelpful to OP. But for most people just don’t do that. It’s rude. You can believe whatever you believe Juliet, but try to calm down with the comments like these. It’s fine that praying helps you and others, and maybe I’m overthinking it here but I do get a bit emotional about it. Because it’s the same exact people that hurt me badly were the ones that told me to just pray to a god to make the depression and auto delete thoughts to go away. So Juliet. Stop trolling on peoples real pain.

[@TomDavidMcCauley]

@@JulietCrowson another reason you’re wrong is that, if you really believe what you’re saying, you’re not going to offer useless advice like that, you’re going to demonstrate by your actions that whatever you believe is actually helpful. Words are nothing. Only actions matter

[@dakoderii4221]

Proverbs 25:20 20 As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, and as vinegar upon nitre, so is he that singeth songs to an heavy heart.

[@Maggies87]

I’m grieving after sudden loss, and my life will never be the same. Dr. Scott is right about not rushing, invalidating or making the person feel more alone - and that includes us doing these things to ourselves.

[@SufiKitty]

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can find people who will help you feel all your feelings.

[@katis7673]

I'm in the same situation, with health struggles( at 51) and sudden loss of my job beyond my control. Day by day

[@tracylangford3798]

I am having trouble with this because family members are dealing with this. I am getting more stressed and depressed. So thanks for this video.

[@Joni7-12-3-7]

Sorry for your loss 🫂

[@twistoffate4791]

I no longer have many friends because my grieving and mourning became inconvenient for them. It was time to bid them goodbye, which I did.

[@mbvbac]

The one I find annoying is ‘This too shall pass’. If you’ve lost years of your life to depression, it begs the question: ‘Yeah, sure it will pass, but when? Next week? Twenty years?’. The ‘have you tried going for a walk?’ one is what my father says to me every phone conversation. While it might be helpful, it doesn’t address not having the motivation to do anything or what’s causing it.

[@littlewillowlinda]

I have had people say things like 1. What’s wrong with you 2. Why are you so intense/negative and 3. You’re not trying hard enough, and these were from people I thought were close friends. I’m sure there’s worse that others have heard but what I’m trying to say is, I don’t understand how people can kick a person when they’re already down…

[@TomDavidMcCauley]

I can see how those first three are distressing-number one is never okay-but advocating for yourself is great advice and is definitely something a friend should tell you

[@littlewillowlinda]

@@TomDavidMcCauley oh I fully agree, the context was what was wrong about it so forget that one lol. I initiated a hard conversation about a friend who was drifting away, asking for patience and support thru a hard time. It took a lot to advocate for myself by asking for help and what I needed. I had also shared my list of everything that I was doing to get help professionally. So being told to advocate for myself was rather hurtful. I’ll edit it out in my original comment. Thank you for pointing it out! I hope you’re doing well.

[@m-bronte]

there is a chance they see something in you that they are struggling with themselves.

[@lailanitukuafu]

I've actually learned to really hate it when people say "You're not alone" or "Everyone is struggling with something". The latter (as a response to someone opening up about something they're going through) minimizes a person's unique experience and also kinda implies that they're being dramatic. The first one is really tough for me for several reasons. For one thing, it's so widely accepted as a good response so EVERYONE says it. I know it's always said with the best of intentions so I don't feel like I can tell anyone that it bothers me. Ironically, that makes me feel more alone. But I think the biggest cause of my frustration is that it's ALWAYS an empty promise. It's always "You're not alone, I'm here for you" before proceeding to leave me alone. Dr. Scott is right in that I want to know that I have someone's support. But that saying has gotten so cliché and it's lost all its meaning. People say it all the time but in my experience, they never actually do anything different.

[@1legend517]

I've also heard "aren't we all?" and "join the club" or "you think you've got it tough? There are others going through a lot worse". "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" and "you're just not trying hard enough" are also two of my most hated.

[@lailanitukuafu]

​@@1legend517 Oh yeah, those are awful. Same vibe as "At least you have/don't have _____." And it's very frustrating when you can tell they don't understand the severity of your situation. "Dang, I'm sorry you're stressed. Anyway--" Stressed? I fight for my life every second of every day. At this point, I don't even feel real. I don't think you get it: I could be dead tomorrow

[@1legend517]

@@lailanitukuafu I know 100% what you mean. It's infuriating. I told my GP that I literally can't function at all and he told "me too, we all have days like that" and I'm like I don't think you understand!! It's so frustrating.

[@BigChungus378]

My wife died 3 years ago this August and I'm still struggling. Had to move in with my aging mom because she was struggling and needed help. On top of that my grandparents who are in their late 90s need help and I spend a lot of my time driving to check on them and help them. It's an hour just to get to my grandparents house because they refuse to move closer to anyone who can help. They live in between two larger cities that they could get more services from and they refuse to do it. I haven't truly been able to grieve on my own because I am expected to help them no matter how I'm feeling. I have clinical depression because of this and nothing brings me true happiness anymore. But I'm still here, still pushing through. There is truth in the statement: "Conditional love is only for children, women and animals" Because men have to be doing something for you to be valued. How do i know this? I'm living it.

[@alisonsinger6259]

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. My parents are similar to your grandparents, so we sometimes have to back off and let them figure things out themselves. It's not your responsibility to take care of them because they refuse to get professional help. I hope you find some peace soon, and are able to prioritize your self care. ❤

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

Conditional love?

[@jennyd6185]

I’m going through cancer treatment. I get tired hearing your’re so strong, you’re so positive. I feel like I have to support others fear of my demise. They really don’t want to hear the stress, struggle & symptoms I’m experiencing. They ask, then stop asking. I go radio silent rather than respond. It’s definitely a balancing act. Thank you 🙏 for this true & helpful video. Thank you for honoring our feelings.

[@KarenMartin-d2j]

❤

[@KarenMartin-d2j]

Hi so sorry you should be heard😢 sending hugs and hopefully someone actually sees the pain in your strong eyes one day And Lets You Talk Your Own Feelings Out

[@RemoWilliams-jg4yb]

The last place I experienced actual help, was the place you would least expect. They actually did what they said they were going to do. Most help is just lip service. I VOWED I would never let another person go through that pain and actually physically tried to help them.

[@MackLee23]

What do you wish people said as an alternative? I'm sincerely asking and not being snarky. I've struggled a ton with my physical and mental health which would put me in a better position to respond to others' suffering, but I still find myself struggling to find the right words sometimes.

[@RemoWilliams-jg4yb]

I hate hearing I understand to as well. Sometimes it is better to say " I get it". I am going through health issues as well and you really find out who your friends are. And you REALLY find out what health professionals that are supposed to be in the business of caring, which ones really care or not.

[@Amazing_missB]

I have had the worst 2 years of my life in a way- I am in recovery from CPTSD and substance use disorder. AA is completely full of these toxic responses and magical thinking. I have never had my pink cloud. I don’t have “Faith” in a “higher power” who has “my best interest” in mind. I only believe that I can make the best of an awful situation, not necessarily that there is anything “higher” directing my life. I’m sick of magical thinking and delusions. I don’t believe everything happens for a reason but we can find a lesson in everything. But I’m tired of the B.S. and delusional thinking. I’ve found much better support outside of that community than within. It seems to work fine if life gets better when you get sober- mine did not. And a successful day isn’t staying sober- it’s getting out of bed. I’ve never felt more alone in my life.

[@debbiekillewald8384]

Yes I left 12 step for that reason and don't miss it. I loath that I wasted time there. I joined some groups on fb for leaving AA etc. It really helped me realize I was on track fir how I felt.

[@marywiggins7411]

The thing with 12 step groups is that they have the personality of the composition of the attendees. I have been to some that were awful, and others that were good. Faith is more complicated to grasp in the depths of depression, despair, and anhedonia especially if just pieces of scripture are cherry picked, and when in pain it's hard to hear it in a way that reaches us while in these states. Just don't give up on yourself.

[@Amazing_missB]

@@marywiggins7411 I appreciate your response. I have been to many AA groups and all I’ve been in have been in some ways toxic or predatory to some degree- just as all have been supportive to some degree - at least for me. I do agree that everybody must work a program of recovery and whatever that looks like for you . For some it is SMART, some Dharma, some is self driven, but they all contain the same basic components of what is needed to sustain sobriety. It is just weird to keep finding yourself alone and a room full of people who are supposed to understand you when they don’t after almost 2 years of trying. All those like - it’ll be OK or faith in God or- it’ll turn out for the best - like I mentioned before I don’t buy them. And to speak out against them is sacrilege. And what they don’t tell you is that every good recovery program, even if it is led by the individual finding their own community contains the same basic components plus minus a few extra that not necessary dependent upon the person. Also, they won’t tell you is that AA has been borrowed from somewhere else - nothing in it is new or revolutionary. I do believe group support is essential and AA is one of the most ubiquitous and free places to find “group support“ which has been shown to be very beneficial to any type of recovery. The problem I have with this type of group support Again - whatever works for you is absolutely fine. I am all for people recovering the way they need to and the way they have to. AA is free, it’s easy to find a meeting, for some at works, and despite what many people say it’s not a cult- you can leave it anytime so aside from treatment centers, making it their basis of recovery, I have no problems with it. For me, my recovery needs to center around my mental health. My mental health is taken care of my sobriety fall in line. People are different. We all have our own ways - and statistically way more people recover without AA do with it. But it’s hard to get numbers on anonymous program. I’m just sick and tired of people telling me what I need to do when it is making me sicker then I ever was before considering my diagnosis of CPTSD and issues with trust and identity. My support team believes that AA, for now is not a healthiest option for me and I trust in them. It will always be there if I need to return and I do keep an open mind. I just don’t believe in magical thinking for the platitude they say. I may need to branch out online to find a community of agnostics/skeptics who use the program. Right now I am considered “a failure“ for not attending enough in person meetings - but when I feel worse for going and my life is worse for the time spent there versus doing other things - I don’t need that kind of “recovery” right now

[@marywiggins7411]

@Amazing_missB I do think many Christians get Christianity wrong, it's not magic. No one promised a life without suffering. I hope you find peace, and direction for your mental health.

[@grizzlybear4]

Same happened to me.

[@dotcassilles1488]

The one that hurt me the most was "I believe that you believe that XYZ is happening". I had been very vulnerable, telling my background to a therapist and that I was struggling physically and mentally because my family don't believe anything is going on (they have called me lazy etc, they don't see me on my bad days, I'm basically house bound because of chronic health challenges). The way the words were spoken came across as though the therapist thought I was lying, exaggerating or being dramatic or that I was having delusions and being paranoid. I won't go back, I no longer trust that person. The conversation that pushed me to start writing a book is "you just need to learn to live with it" followed by "just get up and do whatever you want, you can if you want it bad enough, you just get up and start" I am living with it: a list of chronic health diagnoses and symptoms still waiting for diagnosis. I am recovering from being bed bound. Helpful phrases (for me) included "I believe you" without any other words added. Another said "you are allowed to feel however you feel in this moment" and "don't rush thru your feelings, feel them for as long as they exist". I know my mood and emotions will change, as long as I feel them moment to moment and not fight or hurry them. Blessings from South Eastern Australia, Dot

[@meagiesmuse2334]

Can you find a support group nearby or online for your particular chronic illness? I found that to be the most helpful thing when I encountered the same treatment.

[@jordanbetts1572]

Yes. That feels awful. A friend I thought i trusted said, "no that didn't happen..." for some weird reason. It wasn't even anything that strange, but it was hurtful thing someone did to me. But she had to deny my experience. I was stunned. So explained it to her again, asked why she thought she knew... and no answer... just denied it happened. It was the weird and cruel... last time I saw her.

[@cathlaurs9754]

Dot, your post brought a tear to my eye. Greetings from the UK, Cath x

[@lcraig9239]

Dot, definitely rooting for you!! Just know there are those of us who get it. You are not alone. Sending you a virtual hug.❤

[@g.flesch9731]

Hate to say but some therapists say stuff that is the opposite of helpful & you wish you could ask for a refund for their subpar therapeutic lack of abilities. Did they really get a degree for this crap.

[@Houdini_Bob]

"it will get better. remember, it is always darkest before dawn". I have had this one thrown at me.

[@Killerstar13]

Same here.

[@TomDavidMcCauley]

What happens in your thought process when you hear something like that, and what feelings come up in your body? Is there a feeling of needing to duck or step out of the way? I’m not defending that phrase btw-it’s a stupid, useless phrase. But I like your characterization of it being “thrown” at you, because it helps illustrate how words evoke bodily responses

[@Houdini_Bob]

@@TomDavidMcCauley something along the lines of "you don't have any clue what I am going through or how this is affecting me." there are some other words but this is a family public forum so I'll leave it to others to fill that in

[@RemoWilliams-jg4yb]

And they always say it with a smug smile on their face.

[@ProdigyAngel33_Nagichan]

I do tell myself this a bit because it helps me to stop catastrophizing. But...I know when I'm feeling that way I prefer to have someone say...hey...do you want me to sit with you in the darkness for a while while we think of ways to bring back some light? I'm not sure if it is just that internalized toxic positivity coming out in me that leads me to think that precise thing....but I do hope that if ppl say it...they are trying to bring back hope even though it can be misguided and hurt more. I hope all is well in your world though! And if it is not right now, that you have support and know you are loved.

[@debbiekillewald8384]

Telling someone that they're choosing this is really not helpfull at all either. Sometimes people have to process their pain.

[@grizzlybear4]

Yes. That one really stinks. NO ONE chooses hardship.

[@grizzlybear4]

"Everything happens for a reason" leads me to think I am hexed for life. It is so toxic!

[@susanhills8015]

I have ptsd and depression.I keep being told not to worry! I say that I am not worrying, them.... silence.....

[@catmccabe1148]

I had been through a decade of difficult circumstances, and had reached emotional and physical burnout and had to give up most of my work to start to recover. One of my clients, at the end of my last shift with them, said "life is what you make it you know. " I felt hurt, unseen, misunderstood and dismissed. So yeah, they thought they were being helpful, it was anything but...

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

Such BS! people act like we're willfully unhappy and willfully sucking at life.

[@danielafraser4811]

Brilliant! ❤ I have come close to being extremely rude when someone told me to go for a walk when l could hardly get up! Really? Thank you for this .

[@sherrithomas5776]

Thank you for this video. I have chronic illness and it is financially devastating and physically crushing. Please don't say, "Just laugh about the money that is always due for medical copayments and deductibles" or "I don't believe you are ill because you are so pretty." As I said, the financial burden is crushing me; and just because I do my hair and put on makeup doesn't mean that I am not in excruciating physical pain. It offends me so much to say to me that I am too pretty to be sick. Especially when people say it after I am discharged from the hospital and in tears from physical pain.

[@annelbeab8124]

Why does your reality depend on ignorant people ? Just ignore what they say. And look for other people.

[@pamlomeli1360]

It is my inner negative self talk that creeps in and greases the downward spiral when I feel things are too much. And that “rush” thru or brushing off how I’m feeling or the person I’m sharing with turns the feelings about them or something they’ve experience instead of just LISTENING.

[@1legend517]

I've also heard "aren't we all?" and "join the club" or "you think you've got it tough? There are others going through a lot worse". "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" and "you're just not trying hard enough" are also two of my most hated. So because i dont have a problem thats as bad as some people that i should not feel bad and dont have any problems at all? And my depression, long term unemployment and social isolation and lack of social support are miniscule problems because someone is going through cancer and someone else is living on the streets.

[@g.flesch9731]

Have a friend who if I say I really hurt my thumb weeding who will tell me about 5 people who are going thru the most horrible circumstances ever. People I do not know & why point out what was just a minor thing I said to be social. I mean LOL 😢

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

It's like they want you to be in front of a firing squad and your spouse cheated on you with the gunman, before you can feel upset.

[@1legend517]

@@g.flesch9731 I don't know if that's a true friend right there.

[@1legend517]

@@ASMRyouVEGANyet Oh my God that is so true! I couldn't have put it better.

[@1legend517]

@@g.flesch9731 That's horrible that your friend shames you for the tiniest things. I would really question my friendship with someone like that as that would get on my nerves.

[@anneb5603]

I have a friend that whenever I have had an issue, which has been quite often the past 5 years. My brother passed of cancer, my mum was nearly murdered by a complete stranger, I was blinded in one eye by a eye op which went wrong, my asthma has been so bad recently, and other challenging events, my friend always comes up with someone she knows that's had much worse happen. Oh, my neighbours cousin went blind, oh, my friend's sister was actually murdered not almost, oh, loads die with cancer, etc etc. It's so hurtful, and I go off with my head hung low, thinking I've no right to feel sad...

[@Bingo2501]

You have any right to feel bad, life is tough and what you have gone through sounds aweful. Wish you the best to recover from these very stressfull experiences! 💛

[@justathought274]

Thank you. A helpful video. The thing is, most people who express these sentiments won’t be watching this. The people struggling will be. So it’s best to understand that people might be well meaning but they’re not here to save or solve issues. It’s hard but the way through is to focus on what you can do to help yourself, no matter how small the first step is or how long it takes.

[@jeffreyallenmorrow2978]

Wow! I have been watching your videos for a few months now and I think this is one of your best. You take a very common and yet very misunderstood aspect of interpersonal relations and bring such a clear and empathetic perspective to it all. Love how you related the lesson to our inner-monologue, as well. You have an incredible talent for describing complex emotional dynamics in a very easy to understand language that is underpinned with a genuine sense of caring for others and a drive to educate. Thanks for this and all your other video content. They are a soothing and inspiring respite from this chaotic modern world and have been helpful in my own emotional growth. Keep up the great work Doc!

[@KarenMartin-d2j]

Totally Agree! THANK YOU Dr Scott. ❤

[@seashell1038]

I am in this situation at the moment. Trying to help a close friend and was afraid of saying the wrong thing, or something trite. Your advice has helped a lot.

[@fluffers7997]

My mom died unexpectedly from cancer in 2021. We had about 3mo from diagnosis to burial, and I was her sole caretaker that dropped everything to fly from CA to FL to be there for her during that time. By the time it was done had $500 to my name and had to figure out where I was going to live/work. Pretty sure I never had the time to actually grieve. My dad started dating a new woman who happens to be a therapist and decided she would be responsible for getting rid of my mom's belongings. When I caught her at the storage unit she made me go through the stuff while telling me that it gets better. That losing a mom isn't as bad as losing a wife, and that my mom's items wouldn't bring her back to life. The kids at her therapy get over their mom so why can't I as an adult? The whole experience has messed me up for almost 2 years now. And dad still wonders why none of his kids want to talk to him since he started dating this banshee.

[@anneb5603]

My goodness! That's pretty awful. I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that. Mum's are so important in our lives. Wishing you all the best.

[@marywiggins7411]

That woman as a therapist is whacked.

[@richerDiLefto]

She shouldn’t have that job. That’s messed up.

[@alanilor]

Thanks, Dr. Scott! I know this is how I want to be treated, but too many people don't get it. I kinda wish this video was required viewing for anyone who is alive. I know too many people who do all the unhelpful things you mention here, and I'm left feeling more alone, more isolated, and just worse in general. It's hard enough to figure out how and what to say when I want to share how I'm feeling with someone who I'd like to think cares about me, but afterward I just want to shut down even more. And that's not helpful either. Sigh. I appreciate your videos so much!

[@doreenessihos6144]

My grief comes in waves and its been years. I lost my mom and before that a guy friend I have had since chilhood plus my sister. Your advice helps alot. My ex husband died It was suddenly and my sons were overwhelmed with grief. All i could do was be available to them. Its been 6 years now and we have discussions about Dad. Its not always good.

[@purrsephone2904]

My mom, who had more than her share of problems to cope with, would say to me when I had a problem, "This too will pass."

[@madamerousseau78]

Which is true, but you don't know how long you'll have to endure "this" until it's finally "passed."

[@skjelm6363]

I agree, even if I told someone "I need just someone around, so I can get through my phase" people fall into activism. Everybody seems to think they have "to do" something, instead of just being there could be enough. Your explanations are so helpful, because I did this mistakes myself e.g. to tell "it gets better" - I told "its worth it to go through this" - your versions help to consider my words better the next times and be more compliant with others who try to help.

[@brandyk]

You're pain is an inconvenience to me. So accurate. This is the case with soooo many reasonably decent people even n almost impossible to detect this in someone before a situation arises. In a way, perhaps we should forgive them for not being more sensitive and aware especially if they were reasonably decent people or friends prior n if we've known them quite awhile n enjoy them n care about them but it is just so hard not to take the entire thing personally especially if its a few people n especially if as some do their own guilt or uncomfortable feelings about it make them sort of twist things a bit to make it sort if look like you're in the wrong somehow so they can sort if let themselves off the hook for dropping the ball so profoundly. Yes hopelessness n isolation is deadly...trust me I know. Excellent video. Very informative. Thank you.

[@catherinekirby-smith53]

I'm a home health physical Therapist Assistant. I work with older adults, and I see so much loss. Thank you for helping me respond to it better!

[@fallon7616]

Empathy is needed 💔

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

Yes it is. Sometimes we can only get true empathy from others that go through severe depression like on here. I know how it is. From people in our lives that don't know, the most we can usually expect is sympathy. They truly don't know, and may not say the best things, but they care and are doing what they know to do. They feel helpless too.

[@TomDavidMcCauley]

Empathy is needed from both parties. Sometimes the person going through severe depression-I know both sides of this from firsthand experience fwiw-prioritizes their own feelings while expecting others to prioritize theirs as well, and that seems to make everything worse for all involved

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

@@TomDavidMcCauley What do you mean specifically? You said you have firsthand experience, so you must have something specific in mind.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

@@fallon7616 The OP said empathy is needed, that's how the thread was started.

[@fallon7616]

@@saintejeannedarc9460 He is just wanting attention

[@DeltafangEX]

Your videos are super helpful for those of us who tend to struggle a little (or sometimes _alot!_ )more than others. I would like to know what the proper course of action is when someone says all the right things (the talk) - "I understand how you're feeling, I see it hurts, you know that I'm here for you...", etc. - but then doesn't actually do any of the things that might actually make you feel better (the walk). I find in those situations that it feels even worse than the useless platitudes you often hear...because it engenders an expectation of care that is never fulfilled, and like all cognitive dissonance the usual result of the expectation and result not meeting up is likely either anger or a deeper sense of despair. How can we address this without making the other person feel like you are making _them_ the source of your problem, while expressing that this sort of behavior can often _contribute_ to the problem (sometimes heavily if this is a trusted friend or loved one)?

[@ilovenycsomuch]

“It gets better” also annoys me cuz I feel like they’re invalidating what I’m going through rn, like ok maybe so but that doesn’t change the fact that this really sucks rn “Everything happens for a reason” sounds like a karma thing implying that I deserve what’s happening to me…

[@videosjustforfunenjoy889]

My own mother told me to “just get over it” when my now ex husband walked out on my 3 year old daughter and myself. I was shocked but luckily I found a good therapist.

[@judykappeler6963]

Thank you! Perceptive and helpful, as are all your videos. They bring comfort. Your understanding of these matters amazes me! After almost 50 years of dealing with a difficult situation, I’ve heard the unhelpful things you mention. However, your last recommendation about being aware of our own mindset was something I needed to hear. I’m going to listen to that part again. I appreciate your wisdom, and the work it takes to make these videos.

[@LouiseAbbott-n6d]

I hate when I open up and say I'm feeling depressed and people ask why? And when I say I dont know, because genuinely there is rarely a reason for it, they don't believe you and keep asking "is it this? This? This? Well something must have set you off." And also when people say "everyone has struggles" because it really minimises how you feel and makes you feel like you're being dramatic

[@Benice337]

Does this include someone with depression /mental illness who is self medicating with drug/alcohol. My son is 33 and has been struggling for about 5 years because of a breakup and losing custody of daughter and it’s causing him distress. He doesn’t want rehab but I told him when he’s ready to I will support him. He said ok. Hopefully he gets better soon. Thank you for informative video!

[@NetflixTopVideos]

My thoughts are with you both. 😢

[@annehedonia156]

Yes, it includes your son. He is grieving!

[@hautepinkrae8084]

Thank you for this video. I have always had bipolar since I was a teen. I am 62 now. And I don’t have any friends. And that is a choice but lonely. All the things that you mentioning are things that have been said to me. And I then turned away from those people who said those things because I feel like nobody. Like the way I feel about myself. It’s a good guide for somebody who is trying to support somebody else that is having mental health problems. I do want to choose the path of positivity, but sometimes that’s just not where I’m at and not where I can get to. But I do appreciate your trying to share this information with people who have these challenges with other people.

[@evelynknight5627]

I have had these phrases and so many others thrown towards me, but I've been pretty good at pushing back at people when they say that crap. But it's so constant from every direction that I was beginning to wonder if I was really the problem, being the common denominator and all. Heck, just a couple of days ago I had a new therapist I was trying out that threw this garbage at me. "Was" being the key word. I call people out on it and try to advocate for my feelings, but now I am so distrustful of others while I am hurting that I've completely isolated myself. I don't need anyone else to add to my pain, and they are certainly not helping.

[@elin_]

It has ruined so many of my relationships when my boyfriends have taken it upon themselves to try to help me. I don't want their help.. I want their support. I don't want to put the huge task of "fixing" me on them. My problems are between me and the psychiatry.. but the boyfriends never seem to listen when I say that. I wish this video existed waaay sooner.

[@FinancialHealth-ku1ry]

Doctor Eilers summary: -It gets better -Everything happens for a reason -Things could be so much worse -Just go do X or Y ADDITIONAL 1. Time heals all wounds 2. Your loved one has gone to a better place 3. God has a plan/trust in Jesus 4. Think positive

[@Wingedmagician]

I was remembering someone in authority telling me “itll get better” and then I remembered just how long ago that was…. it did not get any better! it got worse

[@ladyfish22]

FinancialHealth... What? I didn't hear him say those things at all 🤔

[@zila626]

Another one: "you only suffer as long as you choose to" 🙄🙄 just love hearing victim blaming

[@phoenixrising5338]

This is an excellent list. I agree completely with it. I would add to this list, "You're never alone." My church says this constantly. It never means "because I will walk with you," it means "because God is with everyone; stop whining and go bother him." I have come to utterly loathe being told "you're never alone." People have said it to me through death, abuse, abandonment, false testimony, health issues, huge challenges with children, family mental health crises . . . and in every single case, I was alone for multiple events in which I had to make decisions, cope with horrible news, cope with abuse and abandonment, and go on day after day with little or no support. Not a single one of the crowd who love to say "you're never alone" showed up to help in any way whatsoever. And, I'm sorry, fellow Christians, but I wasn't hit by any blinding inspiration, heavenly messengers, or, for the most part, miracles, either, despite some pretty fervent prayers. It was a grinding slog I never want to repeat and don't feel I learned invaluable lessons from. What I learned is people are untrustworthy, cruel, and treacherous, especially the ones who say they love you. Any more, "you're never alone" is one of my red flags. The same crowd is very big on "well, so and so has it worse than you, so stop complaining." Simply mentioning that something has happened, such as a child has been hospitalized, is "complaining." Someone once said to me, "Oh, I thought he was over that," about a lifetime diagnosis for which there is no cure. Then there's "you must be having such a nice rest" while your child is hospitalized for the nth time. ("Look on the bright side.") At this point, I just really dislike people as a species. I know we keep saying people mean well, they're just inept. But do they really mean well? If they meant well, wouldn't they go to the trouble of figuring out what would be helpful and what would be thoughtless and hurtful?

[@annelbeab8124]

​@phoenixrising5338 it's their possible best which might not be helpful. It's like a wrench that is not fitting the screw. People are so self absorbed- including the ones suffering- that it's common to just bounce back from one another. Just experienced someone who got the most caring support by strangers and could not see it and use it as a beacon of light or just a warming glimmer.

[@19751222]

As long as they are saying it out of kindness I am ok. I do now understand that it is normal for people that don’t have depression to suggest all these things. I don’t feel upset about this anymore. I know they just want me to be fine.

[@judykappeler6963]

True, but it doesn’t hurt for people to learn how to be helpful and supportive. But good for you for understanding!

[@19751222]

@@judykappeler6963 I did learn a lot from these videos! Thanks for your reply!

[@tracyhunter340]

I’m bi polar with heavy depression. I’ve suffered from this since I was a teenager. I’m coming out of a bad depression. My sister came over and told me to stop being selfish, that I need to do what she said to get over it. She said that I haven’t been their for her and her problems, and visit my Grandmother more to take the pressure off her. At my worse I can’t even get out of bed, can’t focus, lose words, stare off not to mention not leave my house or socialize. I’m on meds with a really good doctor. I will never feel comfortable or trust my sister ever again!!!

[@jordicoll]

when i talked about my mental health struggles i was told that i am weak, that i am a victimist, that i should be happy because i'm not poor, even a doctor shamed me for not being able to work, etc(of course there were many people that supported me). All of the time it's my mind that attacks me. I ended believing that my mental health, thougths, emotions, and reactions to other people are my responsability. When other people struggle and talk with me i tend to tell them how i deal with my things or if i don't know what to say i tell them that and just hug them. Thanks for the video. Take care everyone :)

[@womplad9864]

I'd never say "anything happens for a reason" but I have framed things for people as "in a few months, this will be natural" but mostly for big changes they're anxious about, not circumstances currently out of their control that are giving them extreme despair.

[@CarolR-jf3tk]

Great advice. Thanks.

[@joanfolds476]

Unfortunately, things don't always get better. However, many times we must learn how to live with the fallout. We can't bring a loved one back to life after they have died. We can't accept an apology from a deceased relative who never apologized. Learning how to sit with intensely negative emotions until they pass is all we can do. Nevertheless, finding safety, stability, and support are necessary to move through life's disappointments with a reasonable level of success. Many times it's just better to be present with the person who's suffering and listen. Presence is priceless!

[@flapjackfae]

re: "It could be worse." A person who is feeling bad probably doesn't want or need to consider how it could be worse. They also don't need to think about other people's worse situations and feel guilty for feeling bad about their own "lesser" pain.

[@RedactedATS]

And this kind of video is why i like your content so much. Thank you ❤

[@kwkw5711]

You are choosing whatever suffering you have always and you can choose not to suffer gets me.

[@nerium.nerium]

This was really helpful. Thank you.

[@WhiTor1]

Thank you, thank you! My daughter has been in the midst of a long, difficult, distressful journey with pain that has had a huge impact on her life. She finds it so hard when she hears exactly some of the things you've mentioned here. Like you've said, it makes her feel even worse. I've even had a couple friends give the same to me when I express to them my distress of seeing her go through this, and while I know it's well intended, it has the same negative effect for me as well. Along similar lines, I have another family member who always tries to help me or anyone else's distress by just trying to cheer/happy me up. That unfortunately has the exact opposite effect for me and actually makes me angry. In my difficult times, I know there's not something someone else can do. I just want a supportive shoulder to support me in my emotional pain. This should be required viewing for all. I appreciate you addressing this very important topic.

[@francesbernard2445]

I followed that advice well for the longest time. Too bad a whole lot of other people were often not taking that advice when offering medical treatment for trauma. Trauma which over time has become way more common among Canadians now.

[@francine6485]

Inner voice hat's exactly what I was thinking of when you talked about just get over it or move on or it could be so much worse... I was thinking that's what I tell myself.

[@carmony13]

Oh my gosh this was so very helpful! I am constantly trying to find ways to reword things to explain to people how best to help me when I'm struggling.

[@ladysparkymartin]

Oh god. This vlog gave me so much insight into the relationships I have with vulnerable friends and family, how to approach them more empathetically, as I want to be treated too. (How to educate others how to approach me will always be a conundrum, unfortunately.) I’m so sick of “shoulds” and am trying not to speak shoulds to others as well. It hurts far more than helps. Thank you 💐

[@VElizabethWhitecrochet]

This really resonates with me. Thank you.❤

[@srlindsey1]

I have MDD, BPD, anxiety, cptsd along with fibromyalgia and neck injuries from an accident. My husband of 20 years used to say that kind of stuff and said he couldn’t understand my mental problems because he’s not necessarily interested in the topic. But last year he told me my mental illness is my fault and I’m a burden and he doesn’t want to help me. The last few years he’s been emotionally abusive when I started resisting his gaslighting. We are going through a divorce now after he physically assaulted me twice. He’s done something to make my son (25) not speak to me. I’ve been hospitalized twice and he stole the cats and got a restraining order against me so he won’t have to hear anything I say and hoping the judge will see him as the victim after he left me the last 6 months with no money. He makes a very good living and I am living in my car now and alone. I’ve always told me him that saying you support someone is not the same as supporting them.

[@LonerStarGirl]

To get told to "snap out of it" or "stay positive" or other completely arrogant responses I get throughout my struggles just existing as myself. I needed to come across someone like you who expresses much of my own analysis of mental health issues. I know according to Buddha "life is suffering"...I don't know how to bounce back the way I did in earlier times despite all the horror experiences I endured. Maybe it's part of "getting older" Rhetoric but that saying irritates me too. I think I became too much of a critical thinker and analyzer that it's honestly suppressing my "feel good" endorphins. I barely feel excited or resilient much. I just have grit. Oh and when someone says "you're fine..." 😬

[@yong9613]

Haha... I can remember a few thrown at me, I'm not special, I'm lazy/skiving. Play acting for the Oscars.. Walking negativity incarnate..

[@doreenessihos6144]

After my mother died was a shit show, I could not believe it, With money and belongings. I had anger and grief. I dealt with it alone. Still alone but its made me a sronger person.

[@user-sj8mf8jn1z]

Just finishing up this video and I knew where you were going with it maybe because that is me…so me‼️ And it has been and IS detrimental to my well-being. But it was good to hear it from you‼️ Thank you🙏

[@rizaiauwu]

indeed it completely makes you feel isolated when people tell you those things

[@alexisjonna683]

“Everything happens for a reason” pisses me off. It invalidates your feelings

[@PretendCoding]

I've been working really hard recently to respond instead of react. When my fiance comes to me upset or sad or mad, with these big emotions, I also get those big emotions because it hurts to see her like that. The issue is when I have those big emotions, I often react rather than respond. When she's feeling that way, she doesn't need me to fix her problems, she doesn't need suggestions, she needs emotional support and connection. It's hard for me to do that when I'm reacting, which is why I'm trying slow down and think about what will help her, and not what would help me.

[@bryanmccaffrey4385]

Now imagine two people in a relationship that don't even know they need therapy and look to the other to fix those wounds. Doesn't work. I can attest. IFS explains a lot for me. This session was very well done. To the point. Good reminder for all.

[@Cocoanutty0]

My advisor at grad school, who has done research on autism and culture before (you would expect they wouldn’t be abelist, but just hear me out), would always tell me “Just do it! Like the Nike slogan! You just gotta do it!” She knows I’m on the spectrum, which I regret telling her. Every struggle I had with my thesis was framed as me being lazy. She recently told me I have to “save face” because I didn’t do what she said originally and didn’t put effort in. Which is a blatant lie. I did everything she said and it didn’t work. I experienced severe burnout and went on a medical leave of absence for 2 years before I was mentally well enough to face my research and, harder still, my horrible abelist advisor.

[@onrust1096]

Unless someone has experienced what you have they don't understand.Hope you are well.

[@dolorestroeller4734]

My favorite is “ You gotta just suck it up” It’s my sister’s favorite line! (She drinks to cope) yet doesn’t see it as self medicating, instead believes she just sucks it up when things get tough and that’s why she’s good😂

[@marywiggins7411]

Next time just say, gee I wish alcohol solved it for me like it does so well for you.

[@ShayJaxson-m2z]

I was walking through a parking lot when a stranger said "smile". I had just recently lost my baby from an illness.

[@Lindaheal]

Your point about people finding it challenging to tolerate the discomfirt of witnessing the pain of someone they care about is such an important one. If the person doesn't have much awareness about their own processes, they will probably be in a poor position to offer much real support, instead of just trying to create some distance from what's making them uncomfortable. And I agree that most people don't know what to say that's genuinely going to be helpful. I appreciated your examples, and will add that for me, simply having someone respond with kindness and caring to my distress is like a magic balm. I definitely take care about who I choose to reveal my vulnerability to, and try to choose someone who has the compassion and bandwidth to respond in a caring way. Thank you very much for speaking to this point, it's a helpful thing to make more visible and have better understood.

[@KutayYavuz]

You forgot the most effective, magic bulletesque phrase that is ever invented: “Get over it.” Works every time.

[@BubblGrl]

I’m sure I have been on the receiving end of all of these…I think what was said about isolation on top of emotional distress was very valid. But from my perspective, when I am at that low point, the isolation is self-imposed as I want to avoid being a ‘burden’ to those around me. I don’t actively reach out to anyone to ask for help. It is only if someone asks that I will reveal a high level summary of my struggles. So I guess I would also say that asking after someone you care about, if you feel they may be struggling, is a very powerful gesture which can instil hope and (to Dr Scott’s point) remind that person that they are not alone. We have R U OK day here but asking doesn’t lose relevance for the other 364 days.

[@monicaholland1837]

This was so powerful for me. Thank you so much! You have made a huge difference to me, my self-esteem. Thank you for sharing the supportive words to say to support someone else, because I have mainly heard the unsupportive words, or no words, as in - waiting for me to stop talking. I felt so alone and isolated for so long. And now I know the right words to say to myself. Thank you again.

[@karenharnish8090]

Thank you for these videos Dr. Scott 👍✨❤️

[@olives2426]

This is the single, most beneficial uplifting mental health break. I’ve seen in a very, very, very long time and I’m grateful for your work. God bless you.

[@yellowgreymorals]

Watching this to reflect on how insensitive I’ve been sometimes in the past. Thinking of all the friends/lovers I could’ve had if I was more careful with their feelings.

[@davedave8263]

I just realized that when I am in a bad place, what I want is to feel heard, validated, and to have someone sit with me in my sadness and pain. I grew up with one parent that was too self involved and dealing with their own issues to be able to listen. The other parent was so busy taking care of me and my 4 other siblings that they couldn’t take the time to listen. As a result, I often do not feel heard, and I often feel alone in my pain. Thank you for this video. It has helped me to understand many of my motivations and what I need when I am in distress.

[@Lindaheal]

For me, journaling has been a way to make something known, even though I'm the one knowing it. It helps me to articulate my feelings and organize my thoughts around what happened. That way, if I do run across someone who genuinely supports me I do a better job of speaking about it. And even if there's not someone else to listen and talk to, I have created an experience of being seen and heard. Also, it has been really helpful to be clear about what kind of support I'm asking for, as in "I just need to say how I'm feeling, and to know that someone cares about how I feel. The isolation of feeling unsupported is such a hard thing to handle, I'm sorry to know that's what's happening in your life. I hope you're able to find some comfort moving forward .

[@MAHAKAL-r5x]

I appreciate you bringing up such an important topic. As a psychologist or human being, we sometimes become mentally or physically attached to our patients, always striving to be there for them no matter the circumstances. When they recover, they may view our support as simply part of our duties, rather than offering thanks or praise. In this situation, what is your advice for managing this emotional distress? How can we cope with these feelings?

[@chocolatesugar4434]

Great video ❤

[@lucyloojones2779]

You make so much sense!

[@markthomas4083]

My therapist has a talent for telling all four of these phrases.

[@liayemane2695]

Thanks, Dr. Scott. It's very helpful.

[@JB-tu1ls]

You are spot on. Agree with everything you said. Really good info for family and friends of someone experiencing depression. I have heard all the things you mention.

[@markthomas4083]

Dr. Scott, great job.

[@kinggg6924]

This is so helpful. Thanks for sharing.

[@cindyhalpern3187]

Excellent video.

[@Joni7-12-3-7]

THANK YOU for explaining this to me and THANK YOU for turning your pain into purpose. It gives me hope. Thank u for taking the time to help online like this. I appreciate it so much. Thank u!! 💙🙏🌹🕊️💜 (Blue heart is for suicide prevention and awareness...and purple heart says u were wounded in battle...not everyone understands the meaning hearts and their colors)

[@m-bronte]

Dr. Eilers, thanks for creating this channel, I appreciate your hard truths and your way of not sugar coating anything.

[@skeptik-ci5xo]

I had a psychiatrist once who told me that there are people who have it worse than I do. And I'm pretty sure he wasn't even saying it to try to make me feel better. It's like when my mom refused to eat as a child, my grandma would tell her to eat because there were starving children in Africa. And her response was: they can have it! Which I think is hilarious. The point is, one has nothing to do with the other, and neither situation is resolved by this way of thinking.

[@integralstanley]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I want to be here for you.

[@firstlost]

I really like your thought on your third point about artificial induced loneliness and how this impacted the success of your yt channel. That’s very deep humanitarian honesty to me.

[@TomDavidMcCauley]

Do you have tips for supporting a person who is going through similar things that you experience, but who seems to demand your empathy and attention whenever they need it while not offering THEIR empathy and attention in return when you need it? Those kind of relationships can feel so one-sided and draining and resentment-fueling, especially when you both have the same diagnosis. But one person seems to genuinely believe that their pain is more urgent or important than yours. How can you still support this person you deeply love and care about without getting yourself hurt in the process?

[@LoriNuttall]

Thank you! It's me in my own head. That's the worst for me. My now husband of 20 years is so wonderful to me. But...I only seem to hear my abusive ex and my shame and hatred of myself. I can't seem to get away from the shame of even being female. Ex was mentally, emotionally and sexual abusive. To where I hated being female. It seemed to make me a target. I felt so much hurt and shame! Hurt emotionally and physically. Even now I won't wear makeup, perfume, nail polish or even jewelry. He just destroyed that part of me. I did before, but not now. Sorry for rambling on b ut I have no one I trust to listen. You certainly can't afford therapy. I think really that suicide is my only way away from this.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

I'm so glad you have someone who loves and accepts you. I know that's not a cure all. It does make a difference, even though you still feel at times like you are living in different worlds, because of your own inner anguish.

[@donnao2685]

Please research domestic violence/sexual assault organizations. They provide free, confidential counseling as well as other resources. There are also national hotline numbers to call that could help direct you to services. Please try these before giving up; it could be life changing. And please allow yourself the grace and comfort you would likely give someone else. You got out, you're not in that situation anymore. Taking your power back from your abuser IS possible and something every survivor deserves. ❤

[@Maggies87]

I hope you will choose to stay with us on this Earth. You matter to your spouse and to others who have never met you. One day at a time…no rush, love.

[@MinkaSchlossberger4ever]

Thank You. This is really Something to watch again and again!

[@debmainas]

I'm there for you!

[@jennifersandholtz3372]

This is so insightful. Thank you!

[@BrianHornak]

Oh the good ole..it could be worse... my fists clinch

[@mph1ish]

Add: "I know how you feel." Uhhh NO you DON'T. Even if someone's been through something similar, everyone experiences things differently!! Grr ok rant over

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

"hang in there" Don't tempt me

[@Pazuzu-]

"Get over it, smile more, be more talkative and outgoing, everything will fit on the right place at the right time because GEEZUS loves you."