40 Traits Of The Commitment-Fearing Person In Relationships | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
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[@jodam96]

My ex is DA. He hardly ever asked “are you okay?” Or showed any emotional support when I was upset. He was ALWAYS in a very intellectual, and practical mindset which can come across as cold and like they don’t care

[@sshuteandrew]

the seasons of us I hear you. My DA was actually expressive when we were together (he said it was first time he was ever like that) m but shut down with conflict and has been frozen ever since.

[@sshuteandrew]

And...I don’t think they ask if we’re ok bc they don’t ever think about their feelings. I asked my DA what he needed and he looked at me blankly and said he didn’t know. A grown man over 40 that doesn’t know what he needs. They don’t think of their needs, feelings- they cast them aside and bury them. I thought I was making progress w my ex DA but when I suggested a week ago doing something outside the house, he completely ghosted me. He was completely triggered by my suggestion. I’m not sure if he felt criticized or just knew he didn’t want to take things further. Either way, he didn’t tell me.

[@sshuteandrew]

C Truth “Are you okay?” is a thoughtful question- not stupid. If you know your partner is going through a tough or stressful time, it’s a perfectly reasonable question to check in and ask are you okay....it’s like “How are you doing?” Only people often say that as a greeting and often don’t mean it. An avoidant may not even think to ask are you okay? They don’t want to dwell on feelings and may not be aware or very much prefer to be unaware and stuff everything deep down.

[@sshuteandrew]

C Truth Yes, in that case it is obvious. But my dismissive avoidant would never rant or rave. He withdraws. Silence is hard to interpret.

[@ajmosutra7667]

I thought i didnt get into a college i wanted and mine literally said to me that i was dumb... XD At that point i shouldve seen im messing my own self up, and not being messed up by him

[@spannycat2]

I'm fearful avoidant. So I attract them because I'm willing to put in the work to keep the relationship going the same way an Anxious Preoccupied would. But they also like me because I don't impose on their boundaries due to my own avoidant issues. But like, I'm sick of them because my sense of self-worth is consistently invalidated by them, so I end up ghosting them.

[@skknnn1859]

Omg same 😭

[@live.life.secure.coaching]

Yup, same here. FA/DA

[@waynepolo6193]

What are their actions that invalidate you? In my experience, it’s sadly not uncommon to see someone with a FA just sort of bottle up minor frustrations (like a 3 or a 4 out of 10) because they feel the confrontation isn’t worth it. A lot of times folks will bottle up several dozens of those until the next big thing just makes it all too much to feel worth doing anymore.

[@Regina.Clarke]

@@waynepolo6193 You are correct! I am an FA right now, and that is exactly what I did this last round..

[@sarahj279]

This successfully made me cry at my desk. I felt like it picked every personality trait out of me and laid it all on the table.

[@mhyunsook]

I'm not secure attachment type either, but if I show this to my DA boyfriend do u think he'll understand? I think it's huge difference between one find by oneself (like u did find this) and being asked to read by the other.

[@zedx6362]

As a DA I think wanting to know more and to change it will be the deciding factor..

[@kilssj2250]

It's ok. Don't be sad, you don't have to feel bad about it. Specially, if you're aware then that's a good start ^_^.

[@dennismiller8587]

You may be an INTJ or some other personality type that resembles that I wouldn't get too worked up if you haven't already look up your personality type

[@MissElisabelle]

Me too

[@Karla-rd1or]

The DA I was dating was sooo romantic, loved to read and was a very sensitive person, also a very smart guy; he was one of the most beautiful souls I've ever met. However, my experience with him was really bad, I got very hurt and I hurt him too. I'm glad I found this channel because it has helped me a lot to understand and forgive. Thank you, Thais ❤

[@godislove4540]

DA’s are exhausting to date. As soon as I identify this attachment style in the person I’m dating, I pull out pretty quickly as they are poor investment of your time if you actually want something significant. I have worked hard to shift my attachment style to one of being secure and have been reflecting about what I am doing to keep attracting these people.

[@kakashifight6907]

Back in the 90’s such info was not easily obtainable. I ended up marrying one. Now my son is one. How right you are! Run as fast as you can. They are not less damaging than narcissists. Forget about the childhood trauma cause theory. No one can prove it. Yet we can spot a genetic link in families. What a waste of a life it would be to marry one of them. Add to it that they possess some primary psychopathy traits, per definition. You end up alone no matter how much sacrifice you make.

[@luckyj.ferguson6308]

I have some advice for people that are in a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant Male partner. If you want a hug, tell them you want a a hug. It may not be romantic but after a while they will pick up on the physical cues, the specific topics that upset you, the general frequency of hugs expected. They are not great mind readers when it comes to emotional needs, when it comes to emotional IQ (EQ) their scores are probably just above a sociopath. They show that they care by working at a job they probably hate to help keep a roof over your heads, food on the table, etc... You have to accept the fact that they may never change, and that you may never be able to change them instinctually. But with instruction they can learn to show it habitually. The fact that they're willing to do it should mean ALOT to you.

[@ienyams]

Yes yes yes👏 we may seem like robots but we are willing to learn and change!! at least I am

[@lisasunshine7654]

Omg. This is such a revelation. I though a guy I was dating was showing sociopathic markers.

[@osml2.0]

@Lucky that sounds accurate regarding hug "related" things...just don't ask for anything a bit more complicated than hug related :) It can't be romantic as you have to be almost in your face to "help" a DA male learn to understand if they are willing. I would agree that they do no seem like great mind readers when it comes to emotional needs, though I had assumed they were because of my own upbringing. And yes I have been told time and time again by DA male, " A man that didn't care wouldn't work like this to put roof, blah blah blah....though not as generous as they themselves think, not because of what they think but perhaps because of their upbringing of not being raised in a generous fashion. I mean if a person was not raised in a generous household, why would we expect them to know or learn to naturally be that. (anyone can talk the talk, but can they walk the walk?) When we talk about instruction and learning, that could depend on age. As my experience is at a turtle a.k.a. SNAIL pace. Change? Sure? Moving steady enough to be noticed? Hmmm...not sure. Changes so snail ( years and years and what feels like eternity) like -turtle speed- to actually feel your last statement, " that it (any of this?) SHOULD mean alot ." There's my rant ;)

[@fractaldisarray1518]

@@osml2.0 From their point of view, It does hurt when the other person constantly dismisses their effort , It sounds like you're not trying to come to a compromise, but like the only one that needs to work on themselves is them alone. You might be making them feel discouraged, broken, hopeless and you might be sucking them dry of their energy. I'd say you're better off finding an anxious person instead. So you and a dismissive will stop hurting each other.

[@pisceandreamer3]

Yep. DA here. Your suggestions might help us LOOK like we are meeting your needs and trying to but actually on the inside we are going through the motions to hurry it along so you'll let us be.

[@mariavictoriahierro4689]

Being a Dismissive Avoidant and introvert, a lot of people usually tells me that no matter how close I am to a person I still have that tall thick wall around myself. I rarely express my emotions and I prefer sharing intellectual things rather than what I feel.My life is so routinized and reading fiction books becomes my safe haven. I realized I have been living in my own world with high walls around it, and letting other people in my life having a glimpse of my true self through a peephole.

[@bklynbrokers]

would love to chat with you in private, if thats ok

[@mariavictoriahierro4689]

@@bklynbrokers 😊 it's fine, what are the things you wanted to talk with specifically?

[@mickadatwist1620]

walls are painful? I learned to love mine.

[@ienyams]

I recently realized this too😥 you're not alone

[@komalchaudhari2046]

I would definitely like to know, how to connect with someone like that as i really like this guy, but it always feels, there is a certain wall, which i am not able to understand...@maria victoria..

[@stormvet3806]

I was involved with a DA for two years until I finally gave up and pulled the plug. I had no idea what I was dealing with so I kept trying to make it work. Looking back, it was a painful experience and I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover emotionally.

[@willowhecht1456]

Join the club

[@meagiesmuse2334]

A decade here. Never got over it, despite moving on. No closure. My DA is also an INTJ, so it was a double whammy. I used to trust people until proven otherwise, now I am just the opposite. I hope you can get help if needed to get over it. I wish I had.

[@alexirvine5423]

If you were with a DA for that long, you are probably an anxious type attachment that brought your own problems to the relationship. Look into the human magnet sydnrome

[@jillainenewman1358]

Mine ghosted me almost two months ago. The pain is so intense I'm barely functioning. I can't imagine ever fully recovering either.

[@jw70478]

I was on facebook looking for a support group for those who are or have been in a relationship with DAs. Anyone heard of one?

[@yuchichen6251]

I am a DA, and unfortunate to say that I have upset my boyfriend because of my dismissive behavior and been called self-involved and bad at speaking up or take initiatives. But ever since I realized my problem, I have been actively correcting my cognitive behavior and improving my responses whenever I can. I think it is important that a DA should have a clear understanding of their problems otherwise he/she will keep being self-absorbed and always put blame on others.

[@futureshocked]

Exactly!

[@MegaDreamOo]

You are describing my life, any tips?

[@idgaf4684]

Yes da often blame other people 😔

[@tobolitocogito]

If only they’d stop stonewalling me so I could show them this video (actually this whole channel)

[@yuchichen6251]

@suckfora buck I found out that I had this repetitive pattern of conflicts in my relationship, and my boyfriend (now husband) would call me out and explain why he felt that I was self-absorbed /reluctant to confrontation and admit my part of the fault. Initially I didn’t understand him but it happened over and over again, so I decided to do some research about psychology, see if I could do anything about it.

[@pyosomemore6383]

i do value freedom very much. I have left so many friend groups bec of that- i’d rather be alone than go places/do things i dont want to go/do. when im alone, its a pretty liberating feeling, i dont have to wait for anybody. I find it exhausting to accommodate other people

[@osml2.0]

pyo some more I just don't understand how a person can be in a relationship with possible children, and feel this way?

[@vanessagatwiri9425]

I can totally relate. Not many understand what we go through. EXHAUSTING

[@FatiFleur-jn7ky]

Me too but that's my introvert side. An introvert doesn't necessarily have a DA attachment style.

[@bradwilliams7198]

I've always wondered why all the relationships I've ever had in my life have been long-distance ones. Now I know.

[@just1desi]

KZbin needs a super like button. You have the most sympathetic life applicable approach to these issues I wish everyone could access you as their real life therapist

[@niamh6482]

just1desi 🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@bridgeidiot262]

LITERALLY was my EXACT first thoughts of her when I first watched one of her videos!! 👏🙌

[@hecttorPKFR]

It's called suscribe

[@kellygaitten1551]

I fired my therapist! No one has done anything close to the level of healing and AH HA moments as Thais! PDS has changed my life and I made a new friend through the PDS FB site. We work as accountability partners and share our experiences and emotional stress with each other so we can handle the day to day stresses. Having her has really helped both of us move up in light years. So lucky to have found you all!

[@evanlundgren3039]

Agreed it's hard to find a simple applicable approach and understanding this stuff, emotional growth and maturity should be way more emphasized especially with young men. Awesome analysis Doc.

[@roshalllambert]

Not liking change and preferring a routine is so on point. Analytical part and quantifying everything was also spot on.

[@ct6926]

@@Alphacentauri819 Agreed, except asperger's isn't usually caused by childhood trauma (emotional, mental, physical, etc.). People seem to keep missing the neglect/trauma aspect that causes this attachment style.

[@KameRaidar]

I... Want to throw up a wall between this video and me now

[@sevenrue4754]

No seriously

[@macm5036]

It’s crazy right, but there’s something about becoming aware of it as DA that seems so relieving, doesn’t cure you, but At least before things get bad now you can explain better and maybe end it before it gets worse. I think that with that information now there doesn’t have to be bad endings

[@unw1464]

I just realized this guy has been doing it to me and its so fucking painful yet validating that it was not all in my head

[@quickfixjunkie]

I absolutely hate when they dont make appointments ! It kills me ! Whenever I propose a time to meet he will tell: yeah lets see! I get so mad about it. As an AA it sets me on fire.

[@ZANZIBARLORUAMA]

My EX was a high level DA! If I’d show any emotion, he’d call me spoiled and get angry. If I told him anything about work / personal - he wanted only facts in a summary form. Very social, but superficially connected! He would thrive being around so many people. I’d often come home and wonder who the hell was in our house. There had been 80 people in our home at one -time ... never knew the feeling of being surrounded by so many people and feeling deeply alone. I’m naturally a Fearful Avoidant and he made me super anxious. He loved structure and routine, hated when I would surprise him with gifts or places to go. He HAD to know what was happening, took all the joy of the surprise away. He did not believe in boundaries - at all! Therefore, he’d always cross mine. Where he was different from what you mentioned - he planned TOO much and way in advance. His fear was not having anything on his calendar. He hated being alone. After 3 years - an engagement and a home - when our therapist asked him if he’d open the door to his vulnerability, he said that everything is fine in the closet, no need to open it. I knew that was time to leave. There was no possible way I could not be connected with my partner long term. “When they show you [tell you] who they are, believe them!” Maya Angelou

[@ZoeMaier]

Omg that sounds unbelievably painful!! Sending you love and comfort❤❤

[@lejci38]

I have most of the traits of DA and I know for myself it was a coping strategy to survive a borderline mother. The conversations with her usually started rather innocently then to progress to fully blown attacks, emotional blackmails, accusations, circular conversations etc.since I was a small child and specially in teenage years...so you had to learn to cope not to get hurt or lose all of your energy. You just knew where almost every conversation with her would lead - to the loaded questions, her collecting informations about my feelings, my life in general to sooner or later exploit the info and backstab me with them, make fun of my vulnerabilities etc. That is why you just don't talk too much and specially not about your feelings, about things that really matter and often we don't even know what ywe feel, since (for me) i had my own reality and my mother on the other hand kept telling me what I feel, what I think, what i should feel and think etc...it destroys your sense of self so you protect it. And even if you know very well that these new people don't want to harm you, it is in your system, you react to the stimulus, the words, questions, similar situations as you did with your parent and you expect the violation. It is ingrained in you, you get annoyed, drained and you close the doors.

[@just1desi]

Your experience sounds similar to my mum who is NPD (narcissitic personality disorder) how did you determine she was borderline and not NPD? It was legit hell growing up with her, sorry for what you went through

[@just1desi]

@@lejci38 Oh lord, my mom does all those things, except for the sleeping next to me until 11 and no drugs thankfully. Her additional thing is hoarding a bit. Yeah there is no winning. She needed constant reassurance etc. The requirement goalposts shift per mood, shes always trying to find out your business and using it and any vulnerability against you by throwing it in your face later. She had a vague respect for your bedroom while you were in it but sometimes if you were gone too long she would invade and spy or rifle, you could just sense shed been in there. Like yours mine had me wondering if I was a bad person because of the negative talk and manipulation for years until I got away from her. The gaslighting was intense. Escaping to college at 18 saved my life. She likes dogs but gets jealous if one of the dogs likes someone else more than they like her. She wants you to look good as her representative but then gets jealous and lashes out if you look too good so she tries to insult and drag you down. Her gifts come with strings and the level of gratitude you are expected to maintain is astronomical, and she loves to take them back, or promise things like dangling a string. So you learn to just say no, and then that offends too, or she forces you to take it, then acts like you're ungrateful. Sheesh..... I am going no contact as much as possible but she still initiates and forces engagement about once a month. She just texted tonight, so I am probably due for drama next couple days. I am glad you are free to find what comfort you can now.

[@lejci38]

@@just1desi hi, just1desi...oh, boy, yes..same things!..Mine was a hoarder, too...old plastic bags, clothes, furniture. Yes, it was so...while I was in my room it was quite ok, but she did enter without knocking time and time again for some made up reason. No way to be safe with vulnerabilities...I repeated this mistake for too long and I still told her some things about my life, love etc. but she just used them agans me, sometimes ages later to hurt me and manipulate. Good for you that you could leave home at 18,,that is great! As soon as possible! I left and moved very late and I saved money and planned it in secret for over a year...cause I knew they would sabotage me. Jp...in my mothers case it was cats....loved them but was bitterly jealous and yes..they often offer you gifts, food etc. and whatever you do, it is going to end up bad - if you take it, you took the string and you'll pay for it later, if not you are ungrateful. This takes so much energy, it just sucks you dry. You have probably learned to be as selfsufficient as possible and for me it is extremely difficut to ask for help (not about everything but often I do anyting to avoid it and be a burden and be vulnerable) cause I feel there could be a pay off bigger than my inicial problem, I feel some kind of panic. No contact is great ...once a month doesn't sound so bad, but for me it was not possible...she would push more and more, demand more and more and as the last resort she would offend, attack with blaming, fury, provocations, playing a poor old and sick woman and here I am without the heart....;) etc. so I completely cut her off. I felt I was going crazy, had severe pains in my body and to be honest...I felt more and more suicidal. Unfortuntately I stayed in contact with my father and she attecked me through him ...but it was still much better. I blocked her on my phone, but I don't think she even tried to call me, since she felt it was below her to call and ask what was wrong. Complete no contact would help a lot...even with occasional , short contact you are always on guard and you can't calm down and start healing from all this and work on your problems. Wish you all the best...take care!

[@theonlydeija]

Your whole comment / story about ur life & ur mother is nearly identical to mine & I just found out tonight that I’m a dismissive avoidant & I could never put a name to it but I feel u 100%

[@lejci38]

@@theonlydeija hi, Deija!...i'm really sorry you had to go through the same mess,...in my opinion this s worse than a war and it can be shocking to hear such similar, in fact identical stories from people all over the world, same crap and then you realize whatwas going on in the past and things about yourself...it is mindblowing.

[@ycart3285]

I almost started crying when she called the getting flustered thing a cute quirk that DAs do. I've always felt so negative about all these aspects of my personality and it's nice to hear a positive perspective on it

[@slydakota8143]

As a dismissive avoidant myself, usually in the beginning of a relationship, the distance is harder, but when the trust is built i open up wayyyy more and act semi-normal. I just feel like no one is going to want to wait 2 months for me to warm up. And I don’t blame them!

[@ct6926]

They will! About to hit 12 years in October with my partner. I am the DA personality, he has ADHD which presents it's own issues, not sure if that makes is a better match lol. In my case I am the DA personality due to childhood abuse/trauma. I find letting people in on that helps them understand me better. My way of being able to share that info about myself is to have removed the emotion behind it. I just think that it's just the facts of my life and I wasn't the perpetrator (logic), therefore don't need to feel ashamed (feelings). Remove the feelings. Sometimes it's still uncomfortable, but I've gotten much better sharing that bit of myself knowing it will help in the long run. I also have a few friends ships that I've had last anywhere from 11-20years. Long lasting deep relationships are doable!! Find someone patient, try to be conscientious of your DA traits and actively work to inform and improve yourself.

[@ienyams]

I don't blame them either but I wish they would

[@victoriaschera5149]

Do you wish they would wait though?

[@aselyne5631]

@@ct6926 Your partner settled and that's sad af.

[@MegaLadylove2012]

Wow you’re better than me. Two months thts good enough time to warm up to someone. Talked about talking to someone for six months to a year and still not sure if I love them smh

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

This list is awesome. Now I know what to NEVER waste my time on again. They can go get healed with somebody else. Or by themselves. I'm done with these types.

[@cindrareed3926]

Textbook! Spot on! So glad to be out of my previous DA relationship. My therapist told me that I could marry this man and be a great team...but the entire relationship I would mentally/emotionally have my arms stretched out reaching for him. Yeah no thanks.

[@morganendres5207]

This is my partner exactly. I have considered leaving him for 3+ years because I am drowning in loneliness & he resents me wholeheartedly but can't communicate his feelings, it just comes out in passive aggressive ways so I never feel safe or secure. I have tried to communicate my needs, asked for counseling & he just won't engage with any teamwork. Not with building a business, not with our child, not in our relationship. There has been 'unintentional' emotional abuse but I stay because I feel guilty be is suffering inwardly & I don't want to split up the family. But it's far from a healthy compatible relationship for myself.

[@RS-sv3bl]

Same here ...

[@peressinichristina]

I can relate 100%. I stayed in a relationship with a DA for over a decade. I wish I’d failed at that one faster. Now I know. As I become more secure and less anxious I can now see the red flags so clearly. I won’t be making the same poor choice again.

[@BeckyAnnHill]

This is my current exact situation. We have 2 children, one with special needs. Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting the things I do from him because I know he is struggling as well. Every once in a while little bits of him come oit of his shell, but it doesnt last long and I feel so exhausted with him. I have been begging therpay together, trying my best to encourage him in a way that will make him feel safer about it.

[@osml2.0]

"If you answer to no one. You are with no one." Such a confusing relationship when you have no idea what is going on. You think you are going crazy at times. Well alot of the time. The betrayal for me is at the very very very beginning it's so perfect....(unsuspecting mirror of you). You thought you fell for them when it was probably just them using what they know about what you like to mirror to you what you would like. And it is in my experience the DA male claims all the things that should be done for closeness...then you start to think to yourself, yeah they're right. But then BAM! days or months later you meet another person! Like what happened?!!!?!?!? A whole other person. Like where did they go with all the claims they made about the right way to do things and how first impressions are everything. LOL omg it's like a nightmare. -- And oh yeah... on a side note. I already know I have to state for some. These are not meant to be negative in spirit but actual TRUTH being actualized and stated. Which to me is good for research/resolution of UNDERSTANDING and above all else FORWARD MOVEMENT. - Time and time again I hear...ahem...I'm being negative....Well in actuality when the truth is the truth....you have to just see it as that....the truth for 1 and/or groups of people, individuals, situations, etc. Just because commenting on a type doesn't relate to you and whoever, does not mean it is not the truth for another. - And the fact that I have to put in so much energy just to type these additional explanations is VERY TIRING. Very tiring that it even needs to be stated. Not because I want to but because some need it. (Didn't need to do this before and for sure most DA probably don't feel they have to talk to all points of view themselves. Tiring to have to explain to ones that generally don't feel that need to yet EXPECT it.) All in all for me someone who analyzes entirely too much according to____, perhaps when a DA male is saying I'm negative, they just don't like knowing that they themselves are doing something that they themselves know is not right...and that perhaps they just don't want to hear about themselves..........though calling a person negative is not really of value though stated I'll never understand. I'm not negative, you just want me to be quiet.......you say you want peace...um no...you just want me quiet...with no resolution. If you think what you are doing is right, then be LOUD and PROUD. Don't call me negative because you won't state possibility for change and/or won't even state that you won't change. If you think I'm supposed to give credit to the other, why should I? If I were to treat you the same as you do, you would feel it unfair, attacked, etc? Doesn't seem fair, does it? I just can't see why I need to do so much expressive EXCESSIVE kindness when it is never given back in the same way. It is very very very tiring to have to think and express as if a teacher. But...yeah perhaps I don't have the skill to explain so fully and nicely because I was brought up to not say much at all. I'm no walk in the park myself..and everyone has issues....so...#rant Update: If you last long enough in it, you are constantly thinking and wondering and hoping and over and over and over again. You wonder is it DA? is it NPD? is it DA w/NPD tendencies? Or victim mentality, where they inside always have hope initially, but instead make you think you can't do anything right by berating you. In essence you try to keep yourself convinced to stay. The mind plays tricks on you. And when you're PA by default it doesn't help matters any. I miss being a Secure. And you can't be that in a DA PA situation on a whim.

[@Skalli10]

@Narciso Duran How did you get married in the first place? I mean, I've dated a DA once for several months and as soon as the relationships gets somehow serious, the DA will withdraw more and more. How did you do manage it that long?

[@edgreen8140]

Can switch w treatment. Oh they don't want to show vulnerability.

[@zfox4743]

.

[@kellyaugust2011]

@@Skalli10 yes how did u

[@kirancromie1772]

I am so glad I came back to studying attachments style. It will be more than delightful to watch the man baby fall on his face financially more than he can imagine, attempting to handle the most complex records tracking, budgeting and actually getting things handled on time. The man baby is not going to be happy when he realizes, I wasn’t the problem all these years. The problem child is going to finally see the reactive behaviors, inherent with a person operating in the Dismissive. Avoidant realm, are very difficult to understand . I now see how he was ticking internally as I lived with the pain and confusion of attempting to cope/compensate for the multiple maladaptive behaviors he was engaging in. The behavioral pattern of DA individuals, doom the relationship to eventually be little more than a cold and interaction-less arrangement, near constantly fraught with emotional and psychological misery, emptiness and heartache. Despite having invested countless hours, off-and-on, over the first 20 of 30 yrs, trying to educate myself about the persistent dysfunctional interactions, but I focused the work around addressing my own baggage. The last 3 yrs we barely spoke, there was virtually no physical contact, with the exception, of sex twice in July last yr. He essentially ran away from home on January 27th, moving into our 27 yr old daughter and her SO/Fiancé’s home. They also have their 3 yr old daughter and her Fiancé’s teen daughter from a previous relationship too 50% or more of the week with her Dad. He moved into their home under the pretense of taking “some space” for a week or two. That was 6 months ago and he hasn’t taken a single positive step forward and is clearly making no efforts to do so now. Mr. “I’m so careful with money” and equally superior in every other area of life, has burned through, all liquid marital savings, as he sought to distract himself. He spent thousands per month running the streets trying to distract himself almost everyday, after work in the evenings. It should noted he burned though 650.00 in just gas in March and April the last months I have statement in a 6 cylinder Toyota Camry running up and down the interstate. The extreme frequency of his nightly dinner dates, and hanging with pals, is like looking at photos of his emotional pain and humiliation. Now the money we both could/should have been able to access the required funds used towards acquiring individual housing his entertain himself socially to include his first dinner date approx 15 days after vanishing. The remaining pool of marital funds saved, now has to be opened. Fortunately he’s prohibited from having the funds I can’t wait to watch the man baby discover he was the spouse who couldn’t manage household finances, he has only mentioned 2 future goals in 30 yrs time and they were ideas I introduced and talked about which he adopted as his plans. I can see where the last 12 months of his life, has been marked by a couple of catastrophic acts of self sabotage. He began pleasuring himself sexually, boning hookers approx the same age as our daughters, 27 and 18 yrs old. When I say financially catastrophic, I am far from exaggerating. We were going to divorce as amicably as possible later in 2022. I had declared my intentions around asset division, and strategies to assist negotiating our own terms which substantially reduces legal costs. I waited 12 days, before I went for the kill aggressively alluding to spent the entire day tormenting him with needed a little time to shift through everything and basically be able I ripped the lid off Pandora’s Bo.First thing he did, was beg for his fast, easy, cheap divorce. I doubt he actually grasped the magnitude of psychological and emotional brutality that plays out during a hostile, angry, infidelity poisoned significantly (he’s sitting in bottomless conflict and He is discovered the explosive costs incurred in hostile, angry and enormous psychological and emotional stress of the divorce process,

[@KitaRoque]

getting involved in a fantasy word that ends in tragedy. . .yeah - that was me as a kid. i still get very involved in fictional worlds though, but it seriously helps me to destress and gives me a 'personality boost' (for lack of a better term) that helps me actually deal with whatever is bothering me in the real world.

[@leahpope2837]

I’ve been struggling trying to identify these feelings i’ve dealt with for so long, these videos have helped so much with understanding. They are so validating and have shown me i’m not alone, thankyou so much.

[@bklynbrokers]

would love to chat with you if possible, re this subject

[@TheEvilangel1976]

Omg. This was him all the way. High level dismissive avoidant. Workaholic and long distance. Opened up and put on the brakes but stayed friendly. I was never so confused in my life. I cared for him a lot but text messaging and barely seeing eachother was making me lonely and depressed. He wanted me to stay friends with him but my feelings were too deep. I wished him well!😔

[@blasty137]

I met a girl from another country a year and a half ago, we only spent one day together but it was a lot of fun. We stayed in touch when she left, although it was obvious that we kinda liked each other we never established a close connection, normally we'd exchange a few messages on a couple of occasions per month. At one point we started communicating more often, once I asked her to have a video chat, I expected it would be two hours at most and we ended up talking for 7 hours. After that I wanted to repeat that (I'm AP btw) and she always said yes but we never actually did it so over time we grew a bit apart again. Last month I went to visit her, we hooked up after one day and spent 7 days together. It was the most beautiful thing that's happened to me in years, from the very first moment we met everything felt so natural and comfortable, like we had been together for months. Then on the night before my departure she told me she didn't want that to continue. It was weird because she also said that it wasn't really a "no" either, more like leaving things open. To me it made no sense because we're 1,000 miles apart in different countries and our cities are really poorly connected to each other so in order to meet again one of us would have to make a pre-planned effort and if we just "left things open" that would not happen. I came back home thinking it was over, but then she started texting me almost every day. Usually it's a meme, or a photo of something that happened to her, etc. I started to miss her, so I told her how I felt and that I would like to meet her again a couple of times, maybe spend longer together and if everything worked out well eventually I'd be willing to move to her country. And she just shut down. The next few weeks were so frustrating, she never responded to any of the things that I said, she took like two days to write each sentence and it was always something neutral, I tried to be patient but eventually I burst and we had a couple of arguments. After the arguments I started watching these videos in order to try to understand her better and now I realize that basically I've done everything wrong. On the one hand, although now I empathize with her and understand it's not her fault that she is that way, she generally treated me quite disrespectfully. On the other hand, I like her a lot and I know that behind her fence she is a truly beautiful person. But given the physical distance, it's impossible to work with someone who ignores you and avoids even the simplest questions and issues which are necessary to address in order to make a connection work out. And given how much I've inadvertently mistreated her during these few weeks I feel like it's a lost cause and it makes me really sad because I'm losing someone I care about, and on top of that I feel like it's my fault. Thank you to whoever read this, I just needed to get it out of my chest.

[@Teyros]

Really sorry to hear you went through this. I'm currently in a relationship with a DA. It's also LDR. I'm starting to feel the emotional/social distance too. I initiate everything, she's not as emotionally open with me. I hope things get better for you.

[@urfavweapon719]

Personally, as the secure partner, I could use 100x more effort as my ex-DA only got a taste of from me. Absolutely draining. Please move on if you aren’t the DA because today, break ups don’t happen until the healthy person decides. Do this while you are still healthy enough to recognize the signs and symptoms.

[@AshleyLebedev]

Gosh yea. I so wish I wouldn’t have dated this guy. It was SO empty, numbing, lonely & confusing. I felt like I was the only person who did anything or the relationship wouldn’t grow or even connect. I feel mentally and emotionally fried & just want my time back now.

[@pure-pisces9470]

So not good for the Anxious 😔

[@HANZELVANDERLAAY]

@@AshleyLebedev exactly my x girlfriend ...a lonely lonely place..so sad..to have to leave

[@abodebeats]

Preach, took me three years and in that time she destroyed any sense of self I had... consistently got validation as a bar girl running around the city w security at her beck and call... consistently avoided doing anything I suggested: beach fires, hiking, walking the dog etc. Consistently refused to do the most basic chores... I invested so damn much and she was all hype, happiness and smiles everywhere else except at home. At home she was a lazy leech... totally unmotivated and sloth like... it was infuriating seeing her give so much energy to everyone else and then poooof zero when she was home. Totally glad to be done with that nonsense.

[@robinlipert1477]

@@pure-pisces9470 it’s terrible. I’m anxious he’s DA. We just broke up “again”. I’m empty, frazzled and exhausted after 2 years of this. I have to be done. He broke me.

[@happycamper1111]

I've always considered myself and was told by others around me that I was very strong and highly intelligent. I was unprepared for this type of relationship however. She seemed like the woman that checked off almost every box. Very personable, lots of common interests, had her life very together, and we loved talking to each other non stop. I told her I loved her and everything seemed to change. We had built so much trust that she began to open up slowly, was even going to let me stay in her house alone while she was at lunch with friends, etc. We even had planned trips. She never wanted a relationship but when I offered it she was so damn happy! That slowly changed when I said I loved her to. She became indecisive on some things and began changing her mind. Almost wishy washy. When I'd asked her to reconsider we all of a sudden saw eachother to much, talked to much, and needed a break. We got back after a week and she told me how she missed me and talking to me. Everything when back to normal and seemed better than ever. I called her on the way back from Columbus and we were scheduling a day for the gym. All of a sudden scheduled became a huge issue. She said she hated me, herself, everyone, didn't care about me, and that she was angry all the time now and that she was a new person. Said she needed space to mentally unpack the conversation. I talked to her a little that week and finally said that we needed to talk that Saturday. She came over and the break up was fairly mutual. We addressed her state of mind. She said clean break no contact. The next day i asked her if she wanted to attend something that week as friends. She blocked me on everything. I called and asked why. She said she didn't have to tell me why and wouldn't tell me why. That was the short version and was almost two months ago. I feel torn down, weak, and like I was an idiot. I've tried to reach out. It was crazy towards the end with no communication or boundaries. She was cold on the phone towards me as if I was nothing. It wasn't till after that I learned of attachment styles. As bad as it sounds I miss her and hope she calls....

[@elpachucomiguel13]

that sucks, sorry to hear that, i've had quite the same situation with a woman recently. Don't dwell on it, just move on. She's detached completely!

[@user-xy8xe6ng6j]

I understand. I hope he calls but I know he won't. It's been 7 weeks. He blocked me after watching me on a group signal channel we were on with others. For 2 weeks, he read my conversations with others, hoping I would grobble back to him, I think, but he'd told me to leave him alone, so I did. So he either blocked me or dropped our group or dropped the app, not sure. He gave up on me crawling back to him after 2 & 1/2 weeks. So I know he too cowardly to reach out. I thought he was a borderline or narcissist. Had no idea this was even a thing.

[@Femininelovevibes]

After 10 month in and my DA started to tease about being bf/gf. Even said I was his fake gf. I didn’t like that he called me that. I confronted him. I asked: Are you my boyfriend he said no - I’m your best friend. He then asked are you my gf? I said well you didn’t ask me to be. He said EXACTLY I Felt like someone took my heart and smashed it into a million pieces. I slowly started to leave the relationship. We had a beautiful connection, he fault with me not to leave because we have something so great. I feel he completely sabotaged us. He left me no choice but to leave him. If I stayed I feel he would lose respect for me. I don’t know what to do now. I miss him so much I feel he is distracting himself. WHY WOULD HE RUIN US LIKE THIS. Everything was perfect

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

I have pulled away sexually from EVERY serious relationship I've had. Been married three times. Kept thinking it was "them" now realizing it's me.....this in turn has caused them to see me as "an ice princess" when in reality they've hurt me somehow and I'm just trying to protect myself.

[@lotuswolf1518]

Good , cheating on them helps , I have cheated don my narcissitic ex, I am a DA girl too, idk why I attract narcissitic both my exes were narcs and I am proud to be DA cheating on them are one of my achievement cause usually I would say I would never cheat on anyone

[@annayudin290]

@@lotuswolf1518 why would you suggest someone to cheat on their partner?

[@georgeelder8415]

Did you find a way to express to your spouse that you were hurt, and why?

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

@@georgeelder8415 Its a complicated story. My spouse was undiagnosed with Bipolar disorder until 4 years ago. During the undiagnosed years he was angry, moody, hypersexual ( porn use). I thought he had a sex addiction and THIS is the moment I pulled away. Fast forward...he acted out during a manic phase in which I caught him. He ended up at a dual diagnosis rehab center where the Bipolar was diagnosed. During therapy we expressed alot of the underlying resentments. Mine where feeling used sexually (during his manic episodes). So yes, in a nutshell i told him how I felt I had married a monster and pulled away to protect myself. Unfortunately, its not so easy to just "let it go" and move forward. The hurt and trauma of his past behavior is there. He's expressed remorse and has changed back to the man I met but....betrayal trauma runs deep.

[@georgeelder8415]

Kimberly Morrison. Sorry to hear that....It seems like we all need therapy at some point....

[@cl2710]

As a dismissive avoidant, I can confidently say I cannot tolerate conflict and will do whatever it takes to deescalate the situation so I can feel more comfortable. I will pacify, dismiss, placate, or straight up leave the situation if I have to. Self-soothing and self-regulation is a thing for me. I’m a 9 on the enneagram. The peace-maker.

[@ashleynicolebenavente5988]

I’m a Dismissive Avoidant, enneagram 8. ENTP with diagnoses ADHD

[@bklynbrokers]

@@ashleynicolebenavente5988 would love to chat with you (DA) if you dont mind

[@bleh449]

I'm a dismissive avoidant, INFP and type 5 on the enneagram

[@berfin5865]

Where there is no conflict, there is no improvement. It's stagnant. It's not natural if it's all okay all the time. It can be helpful to get used to conflicts with people that are close and you can trust. Starting with small doses and gradually growing from there

[@kellyaugust2011]

@@ashleynicolebenavente5988 i would like to talk with u about it to if u don’t mind.

[@CantonSecurity]

Wow, I’ve never heard “me” explained like this before. This has really helped shed light on what I’ve been living with for so long.

[@kellygaitten1551]

Very helpful explaining the behavior of my DA ex. Many of these traits can drive an AP over the edge! I'm currently seeing a man that I think is FA or FA secure. Some traits are there but he's much more expressive than the DA and definitely gives more emotional connection. He's intuitive for sure and feels my energy and is quick to call me or reach out to talk with me on the phone when he feels it. You are amazing at your explanations and showing us the information we need to know. I am trying to understand my new guy and give him space in a healthy way. When I gave my ex space he just took it and went away for long periods of time which triggered my core abandonment wound. I put up walls and survived somehow. I spent 22 years in that relationship not getting any of my needs met and not understanding what was happening. Now, I understand why and I'm working to meet my own needs instead of getting validation and love from any external sources. You showed me how! New chapter. Healing and feeling great. You have changed my life!!

[@anber4129]

I have literally every single one of these traits... oh my god whats wrong with me? Overcoming this is the hardest thing ever

[@KennyGiven]

I love you ❤

[@nt7027]

@@Mezaph how do you know the difference?

[@christinarichie6171]

@@Mezaph Depends on the "professional ". It's an industry at the end of the day. Discernment is needed.

[@nt7027]

@@Mezaph yeah I’m aware seeing a professional is better, just wanted to know if you knew any big differences between the two :)

[@anber4129]

@Mez thanks for the insight! I have been working towards healing myself! While I do have traita if cPTSD, I also have trouble with commitments and require lots of space. If anything, I think they go hand in hand for me! Not sure tho! I dont trust therapist/shrinks much and I cannot commit to constantly seeing a shrink for a long period of time so for now, youtube and google are my sources!

[@christinadonnelly781]

Just broke up with my 6 wing 7 dismissive avoidant and I can say that this was the most hidden DA ever. All charming even warm up front. Kind and affectionate and then slowly as the relationship progressed to where I expressed some additional affection the avoidant behavior started. It is subtle at first like not really answering my questions then making a plan for a date really complicated. I thought at first life was just busy for him but then it got more and more avoidant eventually just not replying to texts for a day avoiding phone calls with elaborate excuses claiming all kinds of complications of external stress like he was going to lose his job etc. At first it all seemed reasonable but then like every text was replied to with absolutely no emotional content. Used to call me sweetie but then I could have been an insurance agent at the end. A complete stranger. It was gut wrenching. At least I was strong enough to know it was not me that was the problem. He was so afraid of love he shut down. Worst part..as we broke up he assumed I was the one causing him to feel out of control of his emotions on the inside. He will do this again to the next person and I weep for that poor woman.

[@HANZELVANDERLAAY]

My x gfriend exactly

[@r.bishop1127]

My ex did this. It is so painful to go through this. I miss the person I thought I was getting to know. He acts like I never existed.

[@biancamichelle11]

An insurance agent 😂 I know what you mean when suddenly a person is acting like you two never had any emotional connection. It’s like am I crazy or him? Glad you didn’t personalize and got out of that dead end relationship!

[@Hookah_Horns]

How long did it take before the subtle things started?

[@christinadonnelly781]

@@Hookah_Horns This feels like forever ago but I seem to remember the subtle stuff happening like week 3 or 4. The whole relationship was 5 months but the last month it was pretty much non existent.

[@Berenartnet]

I'm just coming to the realization I'm a DA. A very social DA at that. At one point I almost thought to myself... Am I a clinical psychopath? I can instantly connect with people in social situations no matter the environment, but lack the emotional depth to maintain lasting friendships. Maybe not depth, but way of communicating emotion or successfully feeling it at appropriate times. This is helping me understand. Especially the freedom part. Not just in interpersonal relationships, other aspects of life. I'm an immigrant on a work visa, but have no freedom to explore other jobs at will because they would all require sponsorship and that lack of freedom even in that has me feeling smothered and trapped. Just as an example.

[@siobhan2414]

I am half way through your video.. but so far you’re the first person I’ve watched that isn’t talking bad on da.. just be honest without slagging.. its decent. Thank you ❤

[@wyrdsworth]

I've just ruined another relationship by being a DA out-of-touch with my emotions, unwilling to trust/talk to/communicate with my partner, and being so afraid of a relationship that was "too easy". I literally remember thinking as we were having the conversation, "how can I make this end as quickly as possible", and then somehow steering it into breaking up with them. I literally couldn't imagine trusting them with my feelings even as they offered me ways to do it. I'm only glad we broke up so I don't do this again (even if I want to run to them and tell them it was a mistake). God. You think you're normal until something really reminds you you're not.

[@untamedwildhorse]

My DA is open about pretty much everything except how he feels about me.

[@jacobbrozenick8366]

Wow, I wish I could have you as a personal therapist. I have been struggling with being a DA for years and had no idea what was going on aside from the fact that my relationships always fail and I couldn’t understand why everyone needed so much emotional attention. I am still lost on what to do tho, defining it helps but I’m now struggling with finding the motivation or any good reasons to change.

[@cadilac949]

Same here! I’m learning to be more vulnerable & supporting others how I would like to be supported. This learning on helping myself has already been 4-5 years & hopefully I can have someone who’s patient with me if he really cares.

[@mitch7.3powerstroke81]

Ive learnt more about myself in two videos from you, than I have about myself my entire life. Thank you

[@gregorythompson5334]

My gf said I was being narcissistic, turns out this describes me too well. I'm sending her this vid. Your videos on DA style has really opened my eyes. Thank you!

[@shelly4012]

My ex exhibits so many of these characteristics. He would keep pulling further away until it was completely ended. He felt so torn, he would say “I know I should be doing …” but never acted on the ideas and didn’t know why. When I expressed a time I felt hurt or triggered, he would shut down for days or even weeks unless I initiated a conversation again and would apologize if he felt his feelings were hurt. It was a lot of walking on eggshells. I do feel bad he’s like this; he’s actually a good person.

[@roselandpetals]

Sounds JUST like the guy I had been dating this summer. He retreated from me, shut down for weeks unless I initiated a conversation. He's not a bad person just doesn't know he's DA. Now he's conveniently even moving away. Moves around a lot, probably running from things. I'll play along with him in the weeks I might have left with him. Hopefully I can plant a seed to make him realize he's DA.

[@andrewpreston2438]

I’ve been married for 16 years to my wife and I could never quite understand my wife and watching this video just blew my mind It was like you are talking about her I’m in tears I can’t believe it.We have never had a fight but she’s divorcing me now and she can never explain why other than she wants to be alone and I give her anxiety.But at the same time she wants me not to move or move to the same neighborhood.She only has a couple friends and she likes to just read her novels Anyways wow this is incredible for me I’ve been so confused I feel like I understand know

[@user-od1fm3hs9c]

How are you? Did your wife divorce you?

[@andrewpreston2438]

@@user-od1fm3hs9c Yes she did it was final 1 month ago but we still live together

[@andrewpreston2438]

@@user-od1fm3hs9c thanks for asking

[@user-od1fm3hs9c]

@@andrewpreston2438 I am sorry to hear that. Do you intend to keep living together even though you are divorced? Marriage can be such a complicated mess sometimes. I have been with my husband for 20 years, and married for 14. We have 2 kids aged 10 and 13. We get on well and are kind and supportive to each other. We haven't had sex for 7 years. He said that he lost his sex drive. He was still affectionate and would cuddle me. A few years ago he moved into his own bedroom. He said he was struggling to sleep and it was easier on his own. 4 months ago he got his own flat . He said he he loves me but he feels numb and wants space. He isn't seeing anyone else. He has the kids round 2 nights a week and is a very attentive father. He says he wants to continue help me pay the mortgage and will help with the gardening. He comes round for dinner on occasions and will be warm and friendly. He tells me that I am the kindest person that he knows. I am in my late 40's and yes, I have aged since we have met, but I would say that I am still attractive and I am the same weight that I was 20 years ago. I find the rejection so hard. I have told him that if we are going to separate, then we need to do it properly. I think I need less contact with him so that I can emotionally detach from him and move on with my life . I never thought this would happen to us. I thought only people who cheat and fight got divorced.

[@andrewpreston2438]

@@user-od1fm3hs9c I don’t plan on staying I’m currently looking to move bad timing with the housing market unfortunately making it a little tricky.Kids are 13/11 we will split days 60/40 lot of my story is similar lack of affection for years.Funny thing is she is so nice now dinner waiting every night talks to me like her BF.It’s all pretty sad especially for my boys.Plan on living in same area to make it as easy as possible for them. ❤️‍🩹

[@sofiya90]

People need to understand that as a DA, any insecure attachment style, we do not choose to be this way. Trauma begins to accumulate when you are conceived, not when you are already a fully developed human in the external world. This means that a lot of behaviours are developed before we even know how to recognize it and being self-aware in such a distracting world that tells you what you SHOULD be like, in a world that constantly feeds you lies because of marketing techniques and power dynamics. It is not easy nor is it evident how to live a good and pure life. Dismissive avoidants hurt themselves more than they hurt anyone else because the pain of realizing what you have done, and sometimes not even realizing the pain at all but engaging in destructive activities to punish yourself subconsciously for what you've done to yourself and others is unbearable. The comments of how DA are emotionless, not human and undeserving of people who want to "love" them are no better than us. A lot of our behaviour comes from the inability to connect basic human emotions to thoughts to actions. WE have extreme difficulty verbalizing what we need even on a day to day basis, let alone telling you "I love you, I need you, I like how you are like x y z". People say "I cant be with someone who doesn't love themselves", but we are not born knowing how to love ourselves. It is the actions of others that teach us how to love ourselves in the first place, and if you as another "sentient being" refuse to be there to teach another human, who is just as fucked up as you or the next person, then maybe the DA isn't the problem.

[@royaltee5468]

Excellently expressed. Thankyou for the insight.

[@kellyaugust2011]

My DA told me he loved me all the time & actually told me he needed me when he was going through cancer. We broke up but he hasn’t totally cut the ties. He doesn’t reach out unless it has nothing to do with the relationship. He keep things at my house & we have keys to each other’s place. He doesn’t want to talk about anything but yet make sure I know he’s not involved or plan to be & is only focusing on himself. He stays alone at that house & never leaves except work. I know he loves me. I just want him to feel safe enough to come to me again. I need to see him smile & be happy again. I miss the laughing. But he feels he can’t give me what I need but he can. And that is the man with that beautiful smile.

[@warmhart2034]

Be patient to the DA. Model secure behaviours. I have and havs seen steady progress in my DA towards embracing intimacy.

[@laughingfox568]

Thank you so much... The negativity from some of the wounded people who got hurt by a DA really triggered me because they don't know how it actually feels inside my head, or anyone's head. It hurts enough to exist this way. I'm here trying like hell to fix myself yet people want to come to these videos and shit on all of us as if we're all the same... 😕 I'm glad most of the community is at least understanding, if not always empathetic.

[@pahuljica7133]

I admire the way you put all this into words. I felt every single one, especially the one about feeling pain and punishing yourself. I am the queen of psychosomatic issues.

[@robinjayne9556]

This was amazing and exactly the man I was dating. Sadly it ended because I could not figure out how to navigate as I am a fearful avoidant. :(

[@ava9779]

what major differences did you notice between yourself and someone dismissive?

[@sxyteesa0890]

This is Me and my recent ex damn this break up hurts 😥💔I thought I was anxious but found out I'm fearful avoidant

[@robinjayne9556]

This is such a hard thing to work through. I had to eventually eliminate all expectations. We talk daily and are friends. I still love him so much. But unless he worked on himself and I continue to love myself we can’t be together. ❤️

[@Cher1124]

Same- it hurt to end the relationship, but I needed to have my emotional needs met.

[@Sarah.R.R]

I am Autistic and Dismissive Avoidant. It’s hard for people to grasp.

[@mickadatwist1620]

yes, it is hard. The world goes by the story...but you don't. The force can be with you

[@Traumatised311]

Same autistic aroace and dismissive avoidant

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

There's a high correlation of traits between dismissive avoidance and autism. It can be hard to tell which is which sometimes. So both together....! People who understand one probably find they understand the other too. Having autistic grandchildren has helped me in my relationship with my DA friend.

[@MultiFinlayson]

This woman has such an amazing connection with her audience and such insight and perception. Thank you.

[@MayorHal]

This video may single-handedly save my marriage. Thank you. You are fantastic!

[@Read_meapleasee27]

I’m currently in a relationship where I believe that I identify with majority of the avoidant attachment styles because of my upbringing which I’m doing extensive research on how to grow out of, and my partner exhibits some of the DA characteristics. He does ask am I okay and what makes me feel better but he rarely opens up, he’s very distracted, he doesn’t plan ahead, and he avoids getting too emotional or opening up about how he truly feels unless I ask him to multiple times. Your videos are giving me such insight into things that we both do and why.

[@sshuteandrew]

Thank you for the video- definitely not too long and very informative! I’m starting to think my DA is completely hopeless and unreachable, but I had to listen anyway.

[@yintotheyang6433]

DAs need love, respect and validation too. My partner has these traits but in the last 6 years he’s grown so much as a person and has opened up a lot. He frustrates me sometimes and I do have a short fuse but just gotta learn from it and keep moving. Some people just have a different love language and that’s ok. As long as it’s not toxic I think a DA isn’t a complete nightmare.

[@milkymeats]

You are fabulous. I love that you are self accepting and able to use your own language to explain "complex" personality theory to better us all in awareness and self care. Amazing. Keep up the good fight 💪

[@hettijayne]

I’m a fearful avoidant and my partner is dismissive avoidant and this has helped so so much. I’ve realised I’ve been always been really attracted to dismissive avoidant people.

[@marieliswolfram9087]

You have such a nice and gentle way of explaining things, it's such a relief listening to you. Evrything starts to make sense. Thank so much.

[@JuicyFruityify]

Been there, never again. I was just as important as she was. Most of my thinking shouldn't be about walking on eggshels. My new girl adores me, she, get this...shows me and ... tells me. Once you go non-disordered... you get your life back...and you get all the love, emotion and communication you deserve. Never short change your life for someone else, its too short for all the BS. I loved my ex DA so much but just non stop drama, you never know where you are with them, always confused as to their emotion and lack of communication. Its too much.

[@houghton841]

Agreed, life's too short for the bullshit of romantic relationships.

[@rosskambel6758]

This is not a disorder, it's an attachment style, not to be confused with avoidant personality disorder. Although I'd reckon many AVPD's are having a maxed out version of this attachment style, not everyone who has this attachment style is per definition an AVPD...

[@tonymontana-uw1bq]

Thanks mate this helps, as I'm going thru it..my gf has pushed me away. Cheers

[@JuicyFruityify]

@Brand Gadfly In my case I think you were spot on. I should have approached it that way.

[@candyDander]

Wow. This video was reeeally accurate, at least for me. So much so, that it brought tears to my eyes. I can see why my boyfriend wanted me to watch it. It's such an odd feeling to hear such a relatable over view, that darn near felt like me, from a total stranger. Thanks for breaking down these traits and how they relate to Dismissive-Avoidant behavior. I feel like I learned a lot about myself.

[@eevaaasa8897]

EVERY LAST BIT OF THIS VIDEO WAS SO CORRECT THAT MY CHEST HURTS. I would like to cry, but then maybe someone sees this.

[@julialednicky7542]

This description was spot on! Thanks so much for the information. It really helps in terms of recognizing what is going on and understanding why you are being treated this way. Many thanks!!

[@lillyrush2436]

I’m a DA who was just in a relationship with an AP. I LOVE your videos and have learned so much because of your knowledge and eloquence! The social worker in me can’t get enough of these videos so thank you for sharing 😊

[@marcd2743]

Did you watch them while you deactivated and couldn't see her for a month to process your emotions?

[@Michyeon]

As a dismissive-avoidant I totally recognize myself in all of these traits and I didn't even realise these were linked to my attachment style

[@accesscalendar2756]

Trying to walk away from 30 years of this.... now I understand what I have been experiencing with my spouse. Thank you.

[@philcamirand4680]

I thank you a lot for this as I’m learning more and more about my self. I just wanna say you have a very soothing voice and personality which made it easier as this process has been kinda hard on me, thank u queen 🖤

[@TSCupaJoe]

Just wanted to say thank you for making this video, and the other regarding "Dismissive-Avoidant". Has helped me out a ton on learning about myself and why relationships are so hard for me.

[@rosegold.sunset4749]

This video was very eye-opening! I recently met a DA who doesn't respond well when I'm warm but will respond more amicably when I'm "rude" or indifferent. They also love spontaneity and hate that I'm a planner (which makes connecting kinda hard) - I also noticed they say things like they're hard to get to know. WOW. I feel way more empathetic now but seems like they aren't a good match for an AA if they don't get help.

[@FatiFleur-jn7ky]

But an AA also needs help. That is also a very unhealthy attachement style. An AA is the polar opposite of a DA, will never work out even when both get therapy.

[@osml2.0]

@rosegold.sunset It's a nightmare

[@blueskies773]

The goal is healing to secure attachment.

[@fractaldisarray1518]

Yeah I have to agree with Fati Fleur, please realize as an AA you also need to get help. It's not the job of the DA to be the only one to become secure for your sake, they have to put in the work but so do you, you both would have to compromise. But yeah I honestly think it's not a good match and you'll suck each other dry and hurt each other deeply if pursuing this type of relationship. Looking for another AA might be the best, so you can understand each other and heal together.

[@Charlii7]

Wow, this answers sooo much for me about myself and others - even only 10 mins into the video regarding the, bluntness, anxiety & being focused inwards… Thank you for such an insightful video!

[@shirleymontgomery7726]

You are able to get more time to yourself- a positive! Your positive attitude and information are contagious and I am sharing you and the Personal Development School with my friends!

[@grayhalf1854]

I would class myself as a DA. At the beginning of a relationship I tend to be trying really hard to be engaged and faking the excitement, the rush and passion. But really I want to get past all that and get to the undemanding, slightly detached ease of feeling secure with the other person. I do like intimacy - but I suspect that my version of it doesn't match up to the high emotional demonstration that women tend to expect. I dated a woman for almost five years some years ago and actually it went pretty well over that time. (It ended because of geographical and life-stage disparities, although I acknowledge that certainly the former was a factor because of my inability to move country and really commit). I remember one time we were both in the living room, her doing university work at the desk, me on the sofa on my laptop; she looked up, smiled at me and said "this is nice, isn't it?". And you know what, it was. I think back to that, compare It to my last, brief relationships with a Cluster B that was an absolute shit-show and wonder whether dating another avoidant would really be so bad. If we're both upfront with who we are and what we want, I think it has the best chance of meeting both our needs.

[@sshuteandrew]

Thais Gibson - you seem like you would be AMAZING and so patient and gracious with a DA. I’m still learning and falling back a lot of days w my DA. As an anxious, it’s not easy to always show that kind of grace. Thx for all the tips and empathy you demonstrate. 💗

[@ajmosutra7667]

Summer hang in there :) its going to be alright :D

[@sshuteandrew]

Ajmo Sutra Thank you! We actually had a very open and honest talk tonight....

[@brittany6818]

You're way too soft and draining to keep a DA around in my opinion, unless you're a little liar and getting off on playing the victim..if that's the case you're a fine lol

[@sshuteandrew]

Brittany Pratt Are you freaken kidding me? Cynic much? Why would I lie on KZbin about my life- what would I gain? I fell in love w this guy when he was warm and attentive- best I’ve ever been with and I still love him and would like to make it work...in spite of his limitations. I think it takes a tender and persistent person to continue with a DA. I just think he happens to be worth it- no, I’m not soft in all areas, just tender for him. Not sure what your problem is however....

[@sshuteandrew]

Ajmo Sutra Not sure, I pushed for more and it shut him down- I’m sure he felt criticized with the things I pointed out. I was being honest, but I know he takes things to heart.

[@Taki_Rad]

I LOVE your videos!!! Sometimes, like on this video I do find it hard to understand some of what you’re saying because you’re talking very fast. Your content is amazing, thank you I’ve learnt so much!

[@SilverGirlAu]

Wow - so spot on- esp around relationships and opening up to someone that is at a distance or it can’t really work out with... was married to my DA and together 9yrs- he met someone from the other side of the country and they wrote each other constantly- he was able to open up to her about how he was feeling but not me... then he left 8wks later without doing any work to improve how he felt about our relationship... just left and blew up our family... now has his life filled with his solo pursuits and work- has avoided fallout and dealing with the emotions (for him and me) as much as possible...

[@whatshot6891]

Sounds like my ex, I was married 12 years, I am the one who left as he was too DA to admit we had problems. Then he moved on really quickly and has dated heaps including falling head over heals for someone overseas. And more into his hobbies too.

[@laurak4024]

This has been extremely informative. My ex doesn't know he has this attachment style but I used to playfully tease him when I could tell he was irritated by my presence. I knew I had overstayed my welcome and needed to go home.

[@pinkaa17]

Hey, do you maybe wanna connect and chat about exes? My DA has recently broken up with me and I'm still trying to get over it

[@laurak4024]

@@pinkaa17 sure. But I'm not a professional. Have you joined Thais's FB group? I have and a lot of good info/conversations are popping up there. It'll make you feel like you're not alone and have a support network. If you're anything like me, you're probably sick of or embarrassed about going to friends and family. They dont understand and may not offer the best advice. All I know is this has been a year from hell and I'm not going through this again.

[@pinkaa17]

@@laurak4024 no, whats the group called? x

[@laurak4024]

m.facebook.com/groups/461389461257253?view=permalink&id=507545176641681 Look up her name and personal development school. So far she and Brianna McWilliams are the best I have found. I would also read the book "Attached". But all the knowledge in the world wont get you anywhere without putting it into action. That's where I get stuck.

[@pinkaa17]

@@laurak4024 Hi, thank you. I've read the book. You mean you couldn't put it into action or your ex wasn't willing to join?

[@frisebelle]

I have mid-level dismissive avoidant tendencies and I'm in fight or flight alot BUT i like plans b/c cause I like predictability. What I DON'T like is making social/relational plans. When it comes to other life matters, I do like plans. Many people have told me I'm abrassive lol which I've worked on...but def impatient when people are unnecessarily slow in getting to their point. I have the ability to "connect" socially and many people don't notice that I tend to listen more than speak. But it's draining, so I keep to myself most of the time... I've compartmentalized most of my life by staying in my head AND get rather iriitated when I feel someone is "checkin up" on me. Even though I know it's out of concern and, to their defense, they haven't heard from me in a few months.

[@Hookah_Horns]

Curious why someone checking up on you was irritating?

[@nikamefford3525]

As a DA this all makes sense. I’m learning all about this just now. Thank you.

[@gezor20]

thank you... when i think of my last relationship, i just smile... all the behaviours, like you said, were just kind of endearing... but of course, at the same time, very real for her, I can imagine.(would describe her more of fearful avoidant, but so recognizable..)

[@shobhajawaharani6418]

Insanely precise description of me. Amazing knowledge you possess, as always looking forward to your videos , and looking to join your bandwagon

[@Xaikar]

Feels very accurate as a DA, enneagram 7 myself. I was surprised you knew about the Enneagram. Would love to see videos from you about it.

[@madibumann6261]

Your video quality is improving (visually and audibly) and I appreciate that. As well as the content of course

[@gabrielstroup]

This woman understands me better than any of my family members

[@jennifer_vision]

For people who fit under one of these... or this one specifically... How would one go about explaining this to the people around them? I for one, feel sometimes misunderstood, people try to get my attention by overly compensating and trying to get reactions and then disappointed by my seemingly.. monotonous reactions... and I want them to just be.. normal. As in.. please don't try to change my feelings because *you* need to hear something from me.. please don't *need* things from me if I'm not giving it to you, it doesn't mean anything about YOU. When I'm leading groups I sometimes feel like I should be introducing myself/warning them ahead of time so they don't feel bad at some point. Should I? And if so.. how? I swing between.. super charming and happy and sociable then.. robot.

[@bklynbrokers]

would love to chat with you in private, if possible

[@comfortlucia]

I would like to know the answers to these questions too

[@kellyaugust2011]

Can we chat about this sometime if u don’t mind.

[@madhurij2919]

Me too! Please! Let’s talk. Plus I have something against swearing allegiance to any group. I don’t want to promise loyalty because being a part of a group (I know it can make feel one connected) makes me feel trapped. It makes me feel like I can’t explore other people and things and that is scary because I thrive on exploration, it gives me such a kick. Even if I don’t explore, I still want that free thought in my mind that I’m not bound by anything, that I don’t need to explain my choices to others which if I’m a part part of some group, i will have to etc I can do amazing shit for you if you don’t ask me but expectations overwhelm me. If you can relate with what I’m writing, I’m leaving my email here, please do write to me, would love to find someone like minded and discuss about this. My email is i.luv.adam.garcia @gmail.com

[@mhyunsook]

DA choose relationship with someone long distance or opens up only when they know the other going far away.. this really explains my boyfriend.... sad, then what about DA who has some awareness and wants to have A relationship ...don't they have a goal, not to lose

[@rosegold.sunset4749]

I couldn't believe what I heard when she said that!!

[@airbubble.]

My BF chose me because I was still technically "married" so safe, even though as a friend of 7 years, he knew my marriage was over and we are separated - something he rather bizarrely supported me with. He felt we should have an "open" relationship, even telling me I should go on Tinder! (not going to happen - I know who I want, and have no need or desire to muddy the waters with other men that I don't want!) And he told me from day one "don't get attached to me". Too late, lad - been in love with him for ages but I'm not a needy kind of person so don't need the constant validation, high level of commitment or shared time that other couples might expect from a relationship. We broke up after only a couple of months because he got scared of his feelings I think, and wouldn't talk to me. Avoidance kicking in for him I suspect, and he backed off. Luckily I'm confident and completely happy with who I am, and I'm a secure attachment type so am fully able to support him without worrying about my own needs too much. Didn't stop it hurting like a bitch when he ditched me to go back to his nice safe manipulative enabling ex GF though. But I got to grips with it pretty quick because I realised it was nothing I actually did wrong. So although I miss him, I'm giving him the space he wants whilst making sure I am still around when he's ready to reach out. I'm also now fully researched on all the possible attachment styles and associated PD's, and armed for when he comes back around, which I am confident he will because a) he and his GF have their own unresolved problems, which WILL rear up again at some point and b) I've always been a person of security for him when he needed a place to retreat to. Funny thing - I knew he had "issues" but didnt know exactly what until this all kicked off.

[@irene2081]

Oh, Thais, your video reminded me of my DM and made me smile compassionately or even laugh at some point... To me, he behaved like a kid! .. I am convinced he will do the work because he felt the connection between us and I felt he really wanted it despite the barriers!

[@27Kallisto]

I just stumbled onto your video… I did not realize that I myself do these things in my relationships. I always attracted men like you said, long distance or there is some issue that i know it won’t last. This past year I’ve been looking into my behaviour and really wanting to change my pattern of behaviour. They say “we attract the type of people who are mirrors of ourselves” this hit home. I’m a DA not to an extreme but I’ve attracted men who are very DA where it was hard not to look at myself. I’m on a healing journey and your videos are very helpful. This isn’t an easy journey to be on. Changing behaviour patterns is something that takes time but I’m so grateful. Loving myself enough to want to be better. Thank you

[@pyosomemore6383]

Wow. U’ve just described me very accurately. The fantasy world is also correct and i do project some unwanted needs through there

[@smolchild1343]

I wouldn’t say I was emotionally abused, but I’ve always been extremely sensitive.. as a child even though my parents took good care of me and loved me, I was very emotional and would cry all the time, so my family would always judge me for how easily I could get triggered, and even today they always talk about how I was an annoying crybaby as a child. My mom was the only one that tried to understand my emotions, and even then I would always see her struggling to decipher my ways, which made me feel bad for being so unnecessarily complicated. I think this is the reason I grew up to hide showing my true emotions and hate seeming vulnerable. I don’t like people feeling bad about me or hurting my feelings because It just makes me feel weak and pitiful. It’s hard cuz since child me was so easily sensitive about everything before, now I just don’t bring up my problems because I feel like things that bother me aren’t serious or as relevant compared to other people’s issues. Now I’ve just distanced myself from everyone, including my family, and over time have gained myself zero friends, low self esteem, and chronic loneliness. My life is pitiful and it’s no ones doing but my own.

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

You’re amazing! Love the info! 👏🏻🙌🏻

[@williamdemarrais8318]

am a D/A type and finally feel understood! I have so much about myself after watching your videos.

[@rymndry]

The conflict one is me to the T! I will end it as quickly as possible and that usually manifests with me cutting the person off. Everyone who offends me or disrespects me gets cut off immediately and pushed away. I am also VERY blunt and harsh, I’m the “mean one” in my group of friends and they joke around about it

[@emberjones387]

This is great and I wish the sound was better.

[@niacherryblossom]

I can finally understand why i am the way i am....finally the struggle of not being able to feel anything...thank you it is such a relief. I can actually cry finally i can breathe and function knowing this insight. The sad thing is growing this way from childhood not knowing it's sub clinical and only manifested itself when some major emotional trauma happens it's like a ticking bomb.

[@LadyLuck8_4]

I can’t believe how much these videos are explaining me. I’ve only just discovered I’m this type

[@FelipeC31]

Thank you for what you do THAIS, I am discovering this attachment style and it fits very well with me, unfortunately. I´m recovering though and happy to at least becoming aware of my persona and the traits that can identify me. Nevertheless, we are choosing at every moment what we wanna be and what game we want to play. Once we´re aware we can begin to act accordingly and challenge ourselves to bit by bit evolve. I´ve designed some affirmations based on my personal challenges according to this DA pattern. I advise you to do the same. Here are some of mines: - I feel safe, I can express my emotions - I trust life that provides me with all that I need - My strength is my vulnerability - Confrontation is a part of my evolution - Emotions are part of my self, they´re there to help - I am free to choose to feel what I want, feeling hurt is a choice - What is there for me to see and learn - How can I approach this situation differently (... lots of love to all DA´s, I´m here also) ;)

[@Sam-dm5yy]

More power to you

[@sarahhamelinck1598]

15:00 oh my word!!!! My spouse is epically this! I literally have to plan 4 backup plans for our vacations. oy!

[@jacquesknolton9639]

Everything you said hit the nail right on the head for the girl I was just talking to… I wish I had found this before because I would’ve had a better idea of what she was going through instead of just living in my own emotions. Maybe down the line we can get a healthy friendship going between us but I definitely needed to find this page so I was no longer ignorant to the situation

[@marcd2743]

No you don't. Because then you would have tried to make it work, which would have just elongated your pain and misery.

[@nrudy]

Wow, that explains my life eerily well. Thanks for helping me at least start to name this. Looks like I have some work to do.

[@s.haan_]

Starts @ 3.07

[@DayOldPorridge]

I always fast forward these videos because they take so long to actually get to the topic.

[@AshleyLebedev]

Thank youuuuu

[@a.fee-oh1328]

I was sitting here watching this and my mouth hit the floor. This describes my girl to a T She went through a lot of life changing things that really hit her hard and affected her. And I was one of the lucky ones shes opened up to about them. Main thing I've learned is be patient and understanding. Be there for them when they need it. Dont be overboard with affection either. If they pull away, if you argue or fight...let them go. They will come back when ready. The bond is important to them too just not great at showing it.

[@ienyams]

Yes!!! The connection is important to us👏👏👏

[@beautifuldreama8714]

Excited about the courses!!

[@kikujirofromkyoto]

Thais I've been watching your videos for about a week now. I have learned so much about myself thanks to you! Will you please make a video on people who were placed in foster care as a child? I think this is a traumatic event in some DA's lives and we need some insight as to how to come out of the perpetual running away,fear of being abandoned, thus we abandon before the other does it and leaves us devastated, lack of self esteem and self love etc . My biggest fear is to be abandoned. There is no other fear that leaves me paralyzed and terrorized as much. Then there is the fear of not being loved and there is a third one,that I haven't come across anywhere else: it's the fear that the other person realizes that we are a fraud ,in that we cannot love, or give affection. We tend to believe that not only are we undeserving of love but also we are totally incapable of loving others. THANK YOU!