Dear Dismissive Avoidant: What Your Anxious & Fearful Avoidant Partners Need & Want You to Know!

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Thank you for watching!

[@lmart16]

It's surprising how much DAs live through their phones yet don't use them as a way to communicate well with people they're dating

[@micheledobbs1724]

As an anxious attachment...all this. Genuine connection even in minutes makes such a difference. Being seen is so important to me. I relax.

[@TheCerealluvr]

YUP

[@Beepboopr2d286]

I'm going through this right now. It just feels so low when there's no genuine connection.

[@martinj.norris1646]

This is so powerful. I can not express just how meaningful this is . I am literally in tears over what she is saying. If my girl would just do anything she is saying. It is simply as simple as she is saying, this is amazing, please listen and put in just a little effort to change..I wish I was worth being loved. Be thankful for what you do have.

[@empress_highpriestess3307]

@@pasmetha me too ..to think someone is telling a person in an unfulfilling relationship to set an alarm, give 1-2 minutes a day , only give 15 minutes a week; or actually acknowledge their mate's comment .. these breadcrumbs of connection will MEAN SO MUCH.. their starving partner will wind up not bugging them so much in appreciation .smh

[@rowanjthomas]

Tbh, the more I learn about DA's the less need I feel for them to show me love. It feels less personal now that I understand why they need distance and that it's more to do with their own fears than any inadequacies on my part. Though, of course, it would still be nice to hear, every once in a while!

[@melits6450]

Thank you Thais! I'm a dismissive avoidant dating a fearful avoidant. Luckily, we're both aware of our issues so we are both trying to figure it out and connect. I even took notes on what you said, it helps me remember and apply it a lot better like that. I think it's not only helpful for the fearful avoidant partner to feel more connected and loved, but also for the dismissive avoidant to slowly reprogramm towards a more secure attachment. A win win situation for sure!

[@Paralyzingfreak]

Can I just say that it’s amazing you’re watching these videos and are actually putting in effort to work on your relationship. My bf who is a DA would never look stuff up about how to make our relationship work or look for videos. He just tried in his own way to interact with me more but it didn’t really work.

[@rowanjthomas]

Yes I agree with @Blurryface. Well Done Meli! I wish my DA friend would do the same.

[@eg1620]

Starved, unimportant and unwanted. I have gone from a person who only saw the good in my DA to someone full of resentment, bitterness and blame. The most painful connection I have ever endured by far.

[@AmericanDreamer]

🎯same !!!! 💯💔 He wanted me to learn about him and his traumas and triggers and act accordingly but never cared how it feels for me. My feelings was mine to deal with and he refused any accountability whatsoever for them. I suspected him to even be a Narc because some stuff he says and do is soo text book narcissist, now I believe he's just a really really dismissive person/avoidant type. So here's one more single DA out there now. Both heart broken. I believe for some time he loved me and I love him still, not over him...These videos give me some sort of relief in a way.

[@themoonbleu627]

Yikes

[@ariadne6104]

DA taking notes…. HOW: 1. Notice something about them. That’s specific about them only not how they treat you. 2. When they come home or see you… greet, stand up,give them your full presence. 3. Intentionally practice physical affection.. touch their hand, hold their hand, touch them 😕 4. When there talking or sharing just listen you don’t have to solve anything, you may ask is there anything you need from me? Put phone away.. tune in. 5. Don’t ignore them… if busy “ I’m in the middle of something, can I get back to you in 5?”

[@alexblainelayter7703]

Being noticed and validated by one's partner is also a thing securely attached people require and expect. Connection is how relationships work. I'm secure with DA leanings and I have never been so confused by a partner not wanting to spend time or planning to spend time with me. So by saying that this is something insecurely attached people want you, a DA, to know, you imply that this is something unreasonably accommodating that someone wouldn't ask for if they were secure.

[@rowanjthomas]

Yes good point. Most people who have a "normal" attachment style, (one which is generally considered "secure"), I think would also desire to be seen and loved by their partner, so this is a normal expectation I believe, for everyone, not just fearful or anxious types. But I also think that a person who is "truly secure", which, by my definition, would be someone who has such self love that they don't even need others to love them at all, that person would not need the DA to show them love, and if they requested the DA to show them love it would only be for the DA's sake, and not for their own. Personally, this is the goal I'm currently trying to reach. Could be wrong, but that's my current view.

[@miali3261]

I’m listening to this on the treadmill at the gym, at 3:01 I almost cried all of a sudden 😢😢😣

[@blueaqua2122]

Woke up early morning to listen to this as I lay in bed and almost cried myself.

[@amyharr2447]

Was watching for 3:01 wondering “what could she say that has such an emotional impact..?” 🤔 Then I nearly teared up.. 🥺

[@Andersj13]

It’s incredible how spot in this is. Being an FA married to a DA can be disheartening because once you realize your shortcomings and try moving towards a more secure attachment style you want them to not only notice that, but take those steps to make that journey with you. You want that support but it’s so hard to express that at times without coming off as critical or needy. I’ve found DAs often make light of serious conversations such as this without meaning to but it doesn’t help with those feelings of neglect because they seem not to care about something so obviously important to you even if that’s it the case we FAs tend to take it that way. This is one of the single more important videos that all DAs should be watching if they care about working on their relationship. It’s important as an FA to be understanding of those differences but never to the point that you’re losing your sense of self.

[@ericgeorge6564]

I wish I had discovered this video and could have played it to my ex girlfriend a DA. Maybe I wouldn't be an "ex" now. This was such an important video for DA"s. As an AP it resonates so loud my eardrums are busting. I cannot tell how hurtful it is to be in a DA who does not understand basic human needs of a partner and in particular a AP. To live with someone who makes you feel invisible is no real relationship. You are better off living alone!

[@AmericanDreamer]

💯💯💯

[@sierranyokka8435]

I am so looking forward to taking your courses! This should be taught in high school - imagine how much more well adjusted and self aware humanity would be! Thank you for so generously sharing your knowledge. 💞

[@laurabeigh283]

When my DA partner connects with me, I an so much less anxious.

[@pinkcashmere573]

Thank you for the slower paced talking. The advice was great.

[@face-in-the-crowd]

This is so true. I often felt like he didn't even care and that I didn't really matter but he would tell me different, it was so confusing. I wish I found this channel months ago.

[@bellabong8862]

Fantastic video! This is exactly what I as a Fearful Avoidant needed from my partner who is now sadly my ex and a textbook Dismissive Avoidant.

[@BlaqueCzar]

This is an absolute goldmine of great advice!

[@sw1216]

Thais, this is an incredible idea and video! Thanks so very much for this!! ❤

[@victoriadennis8320]

Awesome video. So helpful, thank you!

[@mcat823]

I love the mic and the new splash screen. :) Also love the video. Thank you for these.

[@pandorasoutofthebox]

This was so clear. Never mind the glitch, this was really useful to me, and I'm really looking forward to the reverse, what Dismisive Avoidants need us to know.

[@p.rabbitt4914]

Haha.. it seems like they just want us to go away so they can do whatever they please, no matter how we feel about it. Then expect us to be cool, calm, & magically satisfied whenever they feel like interacting again. Perhaps I'm wrong..

[@sshuteandrew]

pandorasoutofthebox After watching her other videos I’d say DA’s want space, consistency and understanding. She has great DA videos if you haven’t watched!!

[@jneenert1330]

Please do a video on what dismissive avoidants need from us!! Please and thank you!

[@pandorasoutofthebox]

@@sshuteandrew Simply understanding what is motivating the behaviour has been a relief, and I would say things have even improved a little. But this particular video was so clear, I'd like to see something similar for the reverse.

[@lylecheckeye6300]

This is so amzing, I truly get things now. So many other places on this platform come at this as the other marter is mean or doing things because of strif or Ill will but Its more about understanding were they come from and how it molds them that makes the difference. Its like a light going off and I get so much. I would love to see you do a show on how to take these and inplement them in talking to them to see if they can meet you 1/2 way and talk ? I am a "FA" and my ex girlfreind is a "DA" Thank you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@marcellerusu]

This is life changing, I'm so glad I found this channel. Thank you

[@vladimirsamsonov46]

same

[@worbux123]

I absolutely love this video, couldn't be more spot on, IF they obliged. Only concern might be, this is quite a bit of pressure to lay onto an avoidant unless they are fully open and willing to work on themselves by allowing you to place this pressure on them....Just my opinion.

[@emersonchang2357]

These are so spot on. If only my DA ex had tried these, they would know how to try in the right way instead of depleting themselves trying to make me happy (without communicating) in such wrong ways. Man I wish they’d teach these in schools.

[@morvenmacleod9559]

Really excellent! Thank you.

[@kaylus20421]

Thank you so much for this video Thais 🤗🥰

[@theforzator2661]

The fact that DAs need that sort of big motivation and so much explanations just to compliment or support their partners that might have put in triple what they can to make it work shows how hard to deal with DAs

[@jeffp7776]

This is very accurate. My problem is that deep down avoidants need all these things as well. They are just so deeply buried to them it does not exist OR they are aware and consciously FIGHT to push it back. So how then do you give THEM the avoidant what they TRULY need?

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

♥️♥️♥️ makes sense. You’re absolutely brilliant 😘😘😘 looking so beautiful 😘

[@majov5673]

Haha Thais introducing yourself twice! :D you are awesome

[@dieseldejavu]

100% spot on

[@theforzator2661]

The fact that they need convincing to put 5min work into the relationship shows how hard it is to be with a DA

[@mrsimo7144]

My partner is a DA and I've been through this for a few months. Its so difficult and painful. But I'm still working on us. Thanks for this. ❤️

[@ericawilliams8164]

I walked into the kitchen about a minute into it and was wondering if I'd accidentally restarted the video haha. Tips are SPOT ON.

[@robmyers7263]

So much truth!

[@eddieelite3310]

I swear, you saved my life

[@melissad.6722]

I'm an AP and these are RIGHT ON

[@domcovers8729]

Isnt this how you should treat a normal partner???

[@lancecaliste775]

That’s the point! These are normal things that should be done in any relationship... the dismissive avoidant obviously doesn’t get the memo... which is why she is speaking directly to them

[@bobsanderz3005]

Exactly but these people DONT GET IT

[@vladimirsamsonov46]

You are obviously not a DA if it feels normal

[@jillbrown8036]

I'm unusual! I have all three of these styles. Doesn't take me much to empress me tiny things will impress me.

[@SteveDestiny74]

God i wish i would have found this video (and some of your others a few weeks ago) my Dismissive broke up with me because "could not make me happy" we are talking again as friends (theres kids involved) if i can keep the friendly communication going im going to send her this video

[@lisbeth4you]

Steven Lloyd yeah, that’s so typical. And then they leave us just to make us happy 😊. Amazing rationalization.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

Did it work?

[@AmericanDreamer]

@@sarahstevenson8155 I want to ask the same question...💯

[@Hannahx1104]

So true.

[@LauraMcCullough83]

Amazing

[@sshuteandrew]

I’d like to know the reverse of this title!! 💗

[@airaormond1017]

I agree

[@SteveDestiny74]

@@airaormond1017 yup and im a Anxious

[@airaormond1017]

@@SteveDestiny74 Me too I think

[@mariacc1911]

This are great tips Thais, how do I approach my partner to let him know I need this?

[@vladimirsamsonov46]

Thais already talked about this in some other video. Basically in small steps and as direct as possible. Worked with my DA so far. It's a slow process and you should constantly be aware and avoid typical DA triggers

[@CommandoMaster]

Good video. Will send to a DA.

[@AmericanDreamer]

did you? how did it turn out?

[@CommandoMaster]

@@AmericanDreamer da won't change unless they want to

[@amandasexton8794]

I want to this send this to him so badly.

[@AmericanDreamer]

Amanda, did you ? How are you? I feel the same way too 💯 but We are going through divorce right now and he has moved on mentally, so guess there's no point.. he wants to end "us", it has has been too painful for both of us, so I understand him to an extent, just wish and feel sad, because he always wants me to understand his DA type and treat him accordingly, unfortunately he has not really cared about my triggers and personality type (AP with some flavor of FA).. very one sided. And I doubt Sharing these videos will help if there's no interest to learn about other person. It has been a rough ride.

[@denislucindo4170]

Is "give her space" the ultimate answer to dealing with a DA?

[@random55912]

Useful to watch as an FA 😅

[@gogohappygirl]

Curious if anyone has successfully gotten their non-self-aware DA partner to watch this video, and if so, how did they respond?

[@mrsimo7144]

I will try. I emailed her DA info in my own words and so far, been great. If you want the email, let me know. Thoughts are with you.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

@@mrsimo7144 would love the email!

[@mrsimo7144]

@@sarahstevenson8155 Hi. What do you want?

[@sarahstevenson8155]

@@mrsimo7144 you wrote above “if you would like the email let me know”

[@mrsimo7144]

@@sarahstevenson8155 of course. Only there's about 10. Give me a temp email address and I'll send them to you

[@bobsanderz3005]

My wife really needs to listen to this, but unfortunately I know if I sent this to her she would be very offended.

[@winnieamar9368]

I'd say send it to her..do you have anything to lose?

[@gavinbrooke]

Man, I'll tell you this as a AP moving toward SA. When you don't speak your truth for fear of losing someone or hurting their feelings even, you lose yourself in the process. You can be mindful of how you present this to her, but if YOU need her to watch it and be aware of how you feel, then approach her. You will lose your soul walking on eggshells trying not to spook a DA.

[@AmericanDreamer]

@@gavinbrooke there's very little that wouldn't spooke DA...that's the issue .

[@sanamsitaram7940]

What do DA's get out of a relationship if they don't actually LIKE having a partner?

[@benniesngreen]

As someone who exhibits all the DA symptoms, feeling wanted but not needed is freaking amazing.

[@gavinbrooke]

@@benniesngreen You do realize from a logical standpoint that need within the contex of a relationship is normal and healthy, though? The dismissal of need, both within yourself and in others is the core of your insecurity.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

@@benniesngreen yeah the rest of us come to relationships knowing it’s our job to meet needs and it can feel so warm and fulfilling

[@utewbd]

@@benniesngreen That's just a different way of saying you're a user. You want someone to want you and give you attention, but you don't want the feeling of ever needing to reciprocate. That's a horrible character flaw that needs to be fixed.

[@chiaraA.]

@@benniesngreen 'but not needed' - is so sad to me - if someone didn't both want and need me, it would feel like meaningless fluff to only be wanted. I'm not a candy bar, I want the depth of the whole relationship experience

[@michaelhunt2991]

Where is a link to the inverse video: Dear Anxious/Fearful; what your Dismissive Avoidant Partner needs? Can’t find it, hoped it would be linked.

[@prateikgawade8000]

💛

[@ishtaneel8305]

Y u say fixing? If they chose to b in a relationship it's their role to b present in their partner's life more than 15mins. What's this!!

[@austinnguyen9107]

1:00

[@retro_boy_advance]

I wish my DA would watch this. Sigh

[@ShinFuYux]

Hey, Thais, if you want, I'll edit your videos for free. I can see you need someone to edit them and cut them.

[@trendingasmr]

What do you charge to edit??

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

This is so sweet! Thank you so much for this kind offer. I wouldn't be able to accept your help for free but I would love to connect with you! Please feel free to email me at [e-mail]. Just this thought was so kind and appreciated. Thank you ShinFuYux!

[@cocomac3546]

The problem is when I give my anxious partner positive attention- it doesn’t placate him, he gets more intense and me being a dismissive avoidant, it really, really bugs me- it makes me want to destroy the intimacy. HELP

[@p.rabbitt4914]

I am a healed & healing Anxious-Avoidant. In moments of historic core wound triggers, I worried about whether we might fail. But love persists & no matter what happens extrnally I am at peace inside. You have curiosity so it sounds like there is hope for you too! My question is: why does the expression of these needs bug you so much? Seems like the best way to solve problems to me. I have never figured this out about my husband who utterly rejects me with rageful hostility whenever I try to talk about my needs & feelings with him. The best thing I think you could do is just listen, let then FREELY express without getting equally triggered, & offer as much reassurance as possible. Be curious about each other rather than combatative or avoidant. In my opinion, the most powerful thing to say: "I feel what you are feeling. I don't want you to feel upset. I want you to feel safe, secure, & happy." 💜

[@heatherr4825]

As a more anxious-oriented person, I can explain this. It's like starving... we're more okay with not receiving at all, because it's familiar. We expect not to be given the time of day, but that doesn't mean we don't want it. Then we get a bite and it reminds us of how hungry we are, so we try to get as much as we can while we can, because we know we're going to get starved again. If it was little bits more frequently, we wouldn't act like that. But starvation mode sets in, and we forget to moderate because we're so hungry for even the littlest bits of attention.

[@heatherr4825]

@@p.rabbitt4914 dismissive avoidants prefer to keep people off balance because being predictable means being vulnerable. They prefer to hold themselves back not understanding just how much insecurity that produces, then wonder why their partner is feeling insecure. Insecurity breeds insecurity.

[@cocomac3546]

Heather R thank you so much for that insight, so like the author says, keep at it and eventually the anxious partner relaxes. Really appreciate you responding

[@heatherr4825]

@@cocomac3546 that's exactly it. The anxious partner will feel more stable with the bits and pieces, and that will probably be enough for them. Speaking for myself, I really dont need much... just a little effort and I'm a happy camper

[@sethsims7414]

How about those of us who are too dismissive to even start a relationship. Also, you should look into making some acoustic panels for that room. The room has a bit of an echo and the panels will help quite a bit and they aren't that expensive.

[@lindylee1139]

Dismissive avoidants don’t watch relationship videos.

[@cocomac3546]

Linda Casper I’m watching

[@infinitetundra]

I'm watching.

[@sshuteandrew]

Some do!! Just a fewer percent

[@melits6450]

Those of us who want to change our attachment style really do.

[@lindylee1139]

Meli TS know that change is possible