Why Dismissive Avoidants Doubt Their Feelings So Often in A Relationship

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Why Dismissive Avoidants Doubt Their Feelings So Often in A Relationship
- Why Dismissive Avoidants Doubt Their Feelings So Often
- Dismissive Avoidant and Their Feelings
- Two Key Reasons Dismissive Avoidants Doubt Their Love
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Thank you for watching!

[@mariepayraud7788]

I am so shocked how you described my last relationship and all what was going on in my mind. It’s crazy how accurate you described my state. I did not understand it until now it all make sense. I felt so much guilt for leaving him because I still loved him but I couldn’t stand all these negative thoughts and doubts it was taking all my energy and I ended up feeling so unsafe I had to escape this relationship. Now I understand that it was all in my head. The relationship was actually great. I am determined to work on those issues thank you for your videos

[@annc7739]

You’ve precisely described how I felt when I had to let my crush go in the end. He was a player. It is still heartbreaking though.

[@haley8591]

I hope my DA realizes this one day

[@Cathy1864]

How do I make him feel safer? I think he’s about to break up

[@laurenrobertori6957]

❤

[@CommandoMaster]

DA associate any vulnerability or deep connection with negative emotions/feelings. So they shutdown, and run away from u, even if ur being nice to them.

[@hashtagmate]

My parents are actually great people and do love me a lot but when i was born they were going through such a rough time (emotionally and a bit financially nothing crazy) and they were both so emotionally drained, both of them had untreated depression, dad worked a lot lot mom had panic attacs all day everyday, they took care of my physical needs but my dad told me that sometimes when i tried to connect with them like i would look at them and smile at them they just had expressionless faces as if they were dead and i started crying... that must've hurt quite bad so i kinda understand now why i am da even though my upbringing seems so perfect from the outside and i always seem so fun and entertaining and charming to be around but underneath the surface things can be different

[@Kyrmana]

Yea, I'm with you. Things like that hurt like hell 😞

[@alisagalloza9328]

Bruh, same

[@verohb79]

1. Competing needs. Growing up feeling invalidated. Challenges in household dynamic. Every time you wanted to connect when young, you were rejected. Rejection stored in subconscious, becomes perceptual filter. You desire on one hand to connect but have another need to stay safe, but your subconscious remembers that every time you tried to connect you were rejected, therefore potential intimacy is unsafe. 2. Generally have very strong negative stories imprinted around relationships. Nope, this isn’t going to end well, demanding too much, caused from unresolved traumas from the past. DAs don’t realize that the past were isolated events, but they don’t have anything healthy to compare it to. DA need to question the validity of the stories. We relate present experiences to past experiences. The stories aka though patterns emote to our thoughts, essentially an old tape of painful past experiences that are being projected onto current relationship. As soon as vulnerability is required is when the DA deactivates.

[@ec1222]

thank you

[@martinrehout9121]

Also I think it should be pointed out that there can be this huge tendency for DAs to be self-harming (not only through cutting but through general self-destructive tendencies) with an underlying belief that they are to blame of other people’s emotions that actually causes them to deactivate in the first place. Kind of like ‘omg that person has negative emotions around me I am a bad person and must have caused this, I hate myself, please forgive me.’ That is for the reason because growing up, the DA was either directly or indirectly blamed for the experience others were having, and was the reason for them shutting down in the first place.

[@basiaramona68]

I used to be dissmisive avoidant, then I went to the therapy for Adult children of alcoholics and it changed me to another extreme - anxious. Now I work to have a secure attachment. Every time I do the test I'm more secure. All you say makes sense and it helped me a lot - thank you.

[@namupolo1100]

I am so afraid of becoming anxious.

[@basiaramona68]

Namupolo - from anxious to secure it's easier to shift than from DA.

[@skylar1727]

@@namupolo1100 you're anxious about becoming anxious? ;)

[@saudlukmanofficial3793]

@@basiaramona68 yeahh i think anxiously attached person realize and admit that they're have inner child problem. DA's not do that, a lot of them think that their partner is the problem

[@howtosober]

I noticed a marked shift in my own progress and self-confidence in future relationships when I stopped spending my time trying to understand the other insecure attachment types and how to "make it work" with them and changed my investment entirely to understanding and healing my own. It's great that if you're already stuck in a marriage with a dismissive avoidant partner and there is a lot at stake, there are ways to heal these partnerships over time. But personally I'd much rather become secure and exclusively seek out secure partners. There isn't enough juice in return for the squeeze when it comes to avoidant partner relationships.

[@Calbizzle]

Good point

[@martinrehout9121]

I do have to admit that On this channel there is a great amount of the explanation for DA’s behaviours, but rarely encouragement or strategies for them to change this. I find this a little saddening as DAs themselves tend to be in the side of viewing themselves on the victimised side of the spectrum, feeling overwhelmed by emotions and like they cannot handle relationships. While it is very helpful for other attachment styles to be aware of the DA patterning, it doesn’t justify that behaviour that often comes from a space of not willing to give up control, not willing to conquer their fear of intimacy. It’s almost as if a lot of the content was suggestive of keeping the DAs in their comfort zone with other attachment styles being prone to overcompensating. It’s a dysfunction that shouldn’t be overlooked.

[@mochiwaffles]

Moral of the story: you can't change a DA. What you can do is to not enable them, just leave them alone in their own self pity, maybe one day they'll snap out of it, maybe they won't. Maybe we just need to learn to accept people for who they are, instead of always trying figure out how to fix them. You can't fix someone, they have to fix themselves.

[@user-rb5vo7vn6y]

MartinsHappy Place that’s an interesting perspective. I’m FA so I cannot speak to the DA experience, but I have had my own share of experiences that have led me to lean more DA at times in my life. My partners do typically lean more DA now than they used to, so I’m getting more familiar with their ways. The relationship I am in now (5 years) is with an FA, I think, but oh man does he behave DA! To the point that I’m not even sure now that he’s not DA. And to the point that I find the DA content very helpful in my relationship with him. I’m not sure how the content of the actual personal development school courses, webinars, and forums is for the DA, but it does seem rather in depth and helpful to many DAs that participate. Of course the content inside the school is much more in depth and productive for all of the types. Thais does seem to have an extra soft spot for DA’s but she by no means coddles them. After watching the content in the courses for AA, FA, and DA, at first I did feel like she catered to the DA, and even that maybe there was less work for them to do in order to become secure, but that was before I watched more of the content and also did more of the work for myself. I recognize, though, that DAs in general have a need to take these things in slowly and learn/grow at a pace that feels safe to them, which I think is why I felt like she was catering to them. Because she emphasized patience. But she also emphasizes boundaries for the other attachment styles, and if we are doing the work, it doesn’t leave room for imbalance. Even with my FA/DA partner, this is a MUCH slower process for him than for me. While I don’t think that Thais is withholding encouragement or strategies for the DA, I think it’s possible that she could be taking a more drawn out approach in sharing DA content with the DA in mind (though I haven’t personally noticed anything out of place). For my partner, even watching one video like this one would throw up his boundaries and walls to protect himself, so I can see how this is very hard for DA’s to engage especially if they also believe that the way they are showing up is WHO they are, and are threatened by any suggestion of reflection or change ( like mine is). While I have a tendency to want to soak up everything I can as quickly as I can, I think there is something in the metered approach that can be beneficial for all of us. Your fears and frustrations are valid, and I’m guessing that in your criticism of the channel and content, that you are really trying to express you emotions and needs. I think Thais is very generous with her content on this channel, and the courses she offers are much much more in depth. I’m not sure if you have participated in any of the courses, but since your comment directly mentions the channel, I’m taking a guess that maybe you haven’t. If you’re DA (or any style) and looking for more content, I applaud you! It’s really amazing that your looking for these things and seeking balance in relationships. I encourage you to check out the content she has in the school if you haven’t already. Also, Thais is VERY responsive to questions and requests for more content, so I encourage you to ask for the information you would like to see! She loves it when people request more content and ask questions and she is very encouraging in response to comments and sharing, especially within the personal development school community. She is always trying to improve content and meet the needs of the people, so I am confident that your requests will be taken seriously and addressed appropriately. For more encouragement and strategies for all of the styles, and for overcoming many of life’s challenges, I highly recommend the school. All the best! 🙌

[@martinrehout9121]

@@user-rb5vo7vn6y Wow that was a Thesis of a comment. Thanks for putting so much effort into it. I'm not inside the School, I'm sure it's great, I was merely responding to the trends I saw in the comment sections where there was the understanding of the DA's inner workings meshing into borderline enabling behaviors, and as a recovering victim of years of abuse, it is something I am very passionate about so I felt like talking about it. Thais is incredible and generous of course!

[@user-rb5vo7vn6y]

MartinsHappy Place I’m so sorry to hear of the abuse your have experienced. I wish you all the best in your healing journey because you are definitely worth it. I hope I didn’t come across as invalidating to your emotional expression, it just seemed to me like there was a underlying need expressed that can be met ☺️. One thing that I remember Thais saying in the DA course in the school is that even though we are learning this information about why the DA behaves the way they do, it doesn’t make the behaviors ok and that we shouldn’t enable them, but stand up for ourselves with healthy boundaries. I think it’s a valid point to be mindful of. Thanks for sharing 💕. Finding the balance of healthy personal boundaries and patience and compassion for the DA experience is difficult to learn in my experience, and if you are in an abusive relationship, enabling those abusive behaviors is definitely not the path to take. For the DA who is willing to learn and grow, even if it’s a slow process, the patience and understanding from their partner can be really helpful in their recovery. I try to keep in mind too, that many of my subconscious programming leads to protective behaviors that are abusive to others as well, including to my DA/FA. I haven’t studied the content on KZbin with the express intent of recognizing any disparities for how she addresses DA vs the other types, but for anyone looking for growth and health in their relationships and other areas of life, the school really is amazing. It’s a great time to check it out. It’s awesome that so many people are seeking out this content and desiring to learn more. Kudos for your efforts!

[@martinrehout9121]

@@user-rb5vo7vn6y Oh no worries I didn't feel invalidated at all. It's all good J!

[@CristinaaaMx]

Please talk more deeply about all the different deactivation strategies of DA

[@SpaZzChickxX]

Woooooooooow.

[@Anthony_Gx]

OMg this is gold!!! Wish I knew this last year, but thanks so much. You’re very gifted in really conveying the message and helping me understand behavior and actions of someone, that 8 months ago, I was convinced would never even understand somewhat. Now so many many things make complete sense all of a sudden. And oh damn I wish I could give them all the love they want and deserve 😢

[@sydneymary_]

I appreciate how short and digestible these videos are. It helps so much!

[@attheranch873]

Excellent! Yes, more on this and anxious attachment style. I’m understanding more and more, I’m not in a relationship right now but if I get one I will definitely take your course. This is the best information I’ve ever come across about the kind of relationship difficulties I have. You are doing great work💗

[@pirminiuonkologiniupacient2746]

HI. It was soo amazing to hear that someone is finally talking about all these things! From the very beginning of my relationships when I met I person that I feel so deeply connected with and who loves me soo much, I started having doubts around my feelings. And the negative doubts has grown up when we started to live together, when we bought an apartment - I started to experience panic attacks. This experience is so painful, I please to upload as much information as possible...I have as I call "clarity moments" when I understand that these core negative emotions that comes with the thoughts came from my childhood, but still lack energy and information to transform it. I am so envious for those who may really feel happy when big changes come, meanwhile I struggle even though I want to have this man in my life. Only those who have experienced sth similar will understand...

[@SD-vw8jd]

You're not alone. I understand you. How did your story unfolded? Are you still together? Did you find an effective therapy? I'm going to start EMDR and I'm regularly practicing tapping and also doing exercises around the vagus nerve to stay calm and manage the anxiety

[@lschalk]

Your videos are so insightful. It's like you can see inside of people. Thank you!

[@jenitahughes6959]

I am a DA , This is helping me begin to understand why I so often get accused of acting self destructive in relationships. I thought I was like every one else, altho every one said that I was not normal especially when they finally got mad at me,, I am now in a break up after 40 years of marriage. Too little ,Too late

[@addtoit]

Yessss can you please go more into depth on this in a webinar? 🙏

[@dennischarles3063]

This is amazing Thais. Yes, strategies, please!

[@honour6524]

Thank you Thais great content again as usual, follow up video on strategies on dealing with this would be appreciated am sure stay blessed.

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

The moment you said “competing needs” a lightbulb went off in my head. I’m a recovering DA and doing a lot of intentional healing work to stop unwanted behaviours that have held me back in my relationships. Thank you for these videos. I’m understanding myself so much better which puts me in a more empowered position to improve myself.

[@buffster7815]

Would love more content on how to recognize these behavior patterns & break out of them!

[@kimsmedley164]

Fantastic, this has made a lot of sense. Thank you

[@kirasakai4810]

Please go more deeply into this! Helped so much, thank you.

[@ummewaseem4910]

thank you for all that you do, i appreciate it so much

[@larrycork1420]

always great videos Thais Gibson

[@Michelle_Nixon]

Having some strategies to make this better would be great! Many thanks for your content!

[@kenyaferguson9589]

So glad I found this video….perfect timing!!!! Thank you so much for this video and all of the others. I now know how to navigate my relationship with my DA. 😊

[@lauraherrera4762]

Thanks Tais! Would be cool another video with strategies :) and how to hold space for them as an FA or A

[@lindylee1139]

Great info. Would love a follow up video.

[@preciousegbegi975]

That’s very true, thank you Thais Gibson

[@yomikosburger]

jesus this is pure gold

[@0Demiyah0]

Yes! Please make a follow-up video with strategies how to address this : ) Thinking about joining the school... I have so many questions!

[@tequilabumbum4373]

Maia join in, you will not regret it! I just finished my first course, I feel like I already learned so much, in a metter of few days, Im so excited about other courses🤗

[@SpaZzChickxX]

Wooooow yes ! This makes sense. Healing

[@TransformationMeditations365]

great content well done! keep safe 🙏

[@feelswithmeesh]

Thank you for these videos ! Sending love

[@jesseroussellmusic]

2:12 mins

[@thesetruths1404]

As an adult I was and am very secure however the last 7-8 years had a bad chain of events with close friends so I got to feeling semi-DA (only toward friendships though, not partners). So my point is even a grown person can develop these safety mechanisms that manifest in Dismissive Avoidant thinking and reactions, but as an adult you may recognize them sooner IF you are self aware and know about this stuff from excellent teachers like Thais! Thank you! peace...

[@luckyj.ferguson6308]

7:06 Hit the nail square on the head. Up till now I couldn't understand why I have the traits of a Dismissive Avoidant. My mother had me believing things that just weren't true, to this day I wonder whether or not she knew the difference. Thankfully it never destroyed my connection to my father, but between my father and his friends' low opinion of women combined with my mother using me as a sounding board... It's as if my Mother's actions proved them right. I've always treated women with respect but I guess deep down I have never fully trusted them. At least now I know why.

[@LoveHerLeaveHerWild]

Would love more on this!

[@user-rb5vo7vn6y]

This is great! I love that you make these shorter videos because they help prepare us for the courses and I don’t always have the time to go full into a course. They help keep me on track with the things I’m thinking and perceiving as I engage in my relationships. ❤️

[@ColleenBarlow]

You teach such potentially Life-Changing concepts that I wish everyone had to learn these things in high school. I dated a Dismissive Avoidant who would get close and then distance, closer, and then distance, and he is so scared to have a real relationship. How does someone like this ever escape the pattern so that he can experience real love? Thanks for sharing so many truly important things on this channel.

[@cloudslady3400]

I started to realize that my ex actually didn't know he loved me..i just see it through him but those stories he has keep telling him he doesn't.

[@sandrasmith2684]

It just clicked in my mind why my friend exhibits the DA behaviors. Thank you so much!

[@maryannscott5567]

I self-diagnosed as Autistic a year ago (I'm 64 yo.) That was a fitting explanation for all my avoidant behaviors - and alot else! My life and personality finally made sense to me. So I honestly don't if I'm DA in a pathological sense as something that has ruined my life and I need to change or if I just try to understand and accept my Autistic DA self. I've worked hard on my DA tendencies to stay in my current relationship of 4.5 years but it's exhausting. I've always been happiest/most relaxed in my own company. I don't even completely believe I am "hard-wired for intimate connection " as humans supposedly are. Whenever I hear someone say that, deep inside I doubt it.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any advice on how to connect? I recently was ghosted by an autistic DA after I said something hurtful. We dated for two months. He’s been the one to shut down and leave all his relationships. I honestly don’t know if it’s the autism or the avoidance. Right now I am giving him space we are on week two of no contact. I’m afraid he has forgotten about me. Please help on if I should reach out and if so, how do I go about it 😩

[@nickskywalker2568]

@@FM-zg5hz A bit late to te party but I am in the same case (autistic/DA). I think leaving space is a good thing, but you should probably reach out after with a lot of humility and showing you will be more careful in the future. A lot of acceptance too will help. I believe that's what I would have liked in this situtation. How has the situation evolved since then?

[@Dw3nG6K]

Can you please speak about the fearful avoidant one in another video ?

[@honeymoney23]

Yes please explain what to do abs the difference between anxiety/doubt of feelings and reality

[@Vladoominator]

My mom would would always bring up how she wanted to divorce my dad to me as a child. They were always fighting and yelling. That must have really weighed heavily on me as a kid and must have played a part in DA attachment style.

[@jokip6701]

I've really been enjoying your series. Question: Do people with the DA style usually get along well with others with DA?

[@neredan1182]

i got your youtube-ad before this video lol

[@maysaraali5772]

Thank you!

[@Kaahsifa]

Thais you are a blessing, we love you

[@soulcee8796]

Can you please do a video about comparability and attachment styles like if they go hand in hand ? Or if attachment style defines comparability or vice versa? Can two individuals with different attachment styles be comparable ? How can you know if you are comparable with someone?

[@riririri5155]

Hi Tais, Could you please make a video about how to communicate with a DA. Express emotions to a DA Thank u so much 💖

[@tulip5210]

[@neetu7151]

Wow..that's so messed up.. please get help.. it doesnt serve you or anyone else to be this way!

[@maximilianbatz2070]

Thank you for sharing this, I felt that it contributed to my understanding. I sincerely wish you the best, please know that every one of us has fall sides to them, that makes us human.

[@infinitelabyrinth6204]

Thank you for sharing!! You do seem very self-aware of all of this which i think is a really important step to be able to work on it. Good luck with everything !

[@cinneadken]

@Tulop, first, please accept my gratitude and respect for being open enough to post an honest, vulnerable comment like this. It's got to be so difficult to constantly feel that you're not deserving of friendship and love (which you absolutely are BTW), and to watch yourself in slow motion repeatedly push away things because you're worried you'll only cause pain or hurt, which you won't and don't - we're all each individually responsible for our own happiness and when pain or hurt happens, whatever the cause, it's solely on me, not you or anyone else to acknowledge, respond to and emerge from that hurt. You are amazing to have the self awareness you already have and just a few small steps forward will help you feel so much better. A therapist can help you create your own safe mental and emotional space and accept things around you that are not real threats but appear that way (often whether you're DA, FA or AA). Comments like Neetu's are irrelevant, as they reflect their own bias, their own fears and their own lack of awareness that we're all just as valid and amazing as each other, just in our own ways, and perpetuate an ignorance that's unfortunate. You're NOT messed up anymore than me, Neetu or anyone else. You have a path and a journey you will continue on - talking to a therapist will help show you some skills on how to build a map of that path and the tools to navigate it. You may need to meet a couple of therapists until you find one you feel safe with, but believe me it's worth it. You are worth doing your work on for yourself. You are more than worthy of being liked, being loved, being cared for - of this I have zero doubt

[@alignedmindbodysoul]

love you so much as a person.

[@alinaduda387]

Wow this is exactly "my boyfriend" he is afraid of commitment. Can you make a video how you can make a dismissive avoidant to feel safe. I have one and a half of year of working with him and still nothing.

[@cecegichau9785]

Move on to a new secure guy. If it's been 1.5 years and he isnt even trying it's a waste of your time! Some people date and get married in 1 year

[@kenndinordhoff5282]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is very aware I’m madly in love with him, but I have never said it because I’m terrified the words “I love you.” Will make him run. He tells me he doesn’t know how he feels, he has told me he is not in love with me and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to be in love with not just me, but anyone in general. He’s so wonderful, it’s okay he doesn’t love me the same. At the beginning he did run away, but he came back and said he pushed me away because he felt the way I treated him “too good to be true” and that hs feared it was only a matter of time before I hurt him. After 9 ‘months of showing him, love, patience, and understanding he finally became my boyfriend. He never actually asked me to be his girlfriend. My cousin asked “is this your boyfriend?” And he looked at me and then said “I mean, I guess I am! Haha” and since then we have been together. Our relationship is very hard because he does pull away and get distant from me, but I’ve leaned to not ask how he’s feeling, and just let him process his emotions on his own terms. He always comes around! Lastly, sometimes he gets excited about the idea of marriage and other days he’ll make comments about how he will never marry. I know it’s a defense. But I always wonder if he is in love with me, but he’s too scared to let himself fully feel or except it. We make a great team and have so much fun together! He really is a good man! He just needs extra love ❤️ If any DAs have an opinion on this, I’d love to hear feedback! P.s. he became a DA after he dated his ex for 8 years and she cheated on him and was very controlling. After that he’d only date girls for 2-3 months, very casually then he’d dump them. His family always says they are shocked he hasn’t pushed me away and that must mean something! He must feel safe with me? Maybe? But then he still says he’s “moving to another state” or makes comments about how he will never get married whenever our relationship is going super well… it starts with those comments, then he doesn’t show affection, etc. but then out of nowhere he will be flirty and cute with me, making comments about his future wife, etc. it’s just part of his push and pull. But I always wonder how he really feels about me, to be dating me this long, when he wouldn’t date anyone this long before he met me?🤷🏼‍♀️

[@hydeperv]

What about a DA’s feelings after a breakup? This could be a great topic.

[@tonypendleton3278]

Search her channel. She has a video about that

[@shelly4012]

My recent relationship was exactly like this-we would be together for a short period, it would be great; then he would shut down and pull away. Then the cycle would start all over again. Would say things like “I get so far then I pull back, I don’t know why”; “you’re great, I don’t know why I pull back”. Eventually he totally pulled back altogether, said he felt broken because of the conflict within himself.

[@warmhart2034]

Oh..not encouraging to persevere with a DA😧

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@ColleenBarlow]

Towards the end of this video you ssk if we would like to learn about strategies to heal these things. I would greatly appreciate that. Also, which course in the school would include these things. Thanks!

[@ShaneWolffe]

This is so relevant to my ex. I wish that she would watch this because she has broken up with me for the fourth time using the same type of excuse about not wanting to be in a relationship. Every time she breaks up with me it’s because we get really close and it triggers her or it’s about criticism about the way her 8 year old behaves. How do I get her to watch videos like this? She puts up a wall to me trying to help her see what she’s doing. How do you break through those walls so that the person can consciously understand what they’re doing and how it’s detrimental to them?

[@ShaneWolffe]

chilloften I try to share videos and information with her and she often shuts it out. It’s like she doesn’t want to change or see her pattern.

[@roberttruman8444]

@@ShaneWolffe Has anything changed?

[@pure-pisces4512]

CAN YOU PLEASE DO A VIDEO FOR DAs ON STRATEGIES/TOOLS/ AWARENESS WITH A.... AP/RELATIONSHIPS 🙏🙏

[@AmidalaEmma]

Is it possible that these "stories" make me lose attraction forever to people? or was I just maybe never attracted in the first place? I feel afraid very quickly when someone shows me they like me at the beginning of a relationship..im not sure if this is that I never really liked them, or if I have turned off the attraction because of my fears. I often leave relationships early because I am "bored". In fact I have never had a relationship where I didnt do that.

[@AmidalaEmma]

@@ohheynoahnoah I had the exact same experience. Its all just so hella confusing! I am feeling like love is just not possible for me unless the person is disinterested!

[@hashtagmate]

Emma omg i ask myself the same quite often, i even thought i was asexual maybe but i do get very attracted to people it just goes away as soon as they show real actual interest in me 😂🙋🏻‍♀️ so, sisters? 😂

[@AmidalaEmma]

@@hashtagmate I also think sometimes I am asexual!! or grey or demisexual (shades of asexuality)!!!

[@AmidalaEmma]

@@ladytr0n I feel much the same way, although I feel like I DO deserve love, so i dont know. Ive done Thais' videos but honestly only got halfway through and kinda gave up. Now i am just focusing on self-love, comfort being independent and meditation. I should go back to the videos but honestly they just make me frustrated because I cant even get to the level of wanting to make it work with most people because i am so turned off by people who like me. maybe I just havnt met the right person. How do you force your brain to not like people who reject you?

[@hashtagmate]

Emma it is also frustrating for me cause why even bother? Why work on myself if i don't even like relationships? Why change that fact? Only to than be sad without having a partner? It seems like i am better of despizing (gosh i have no idea how to spell that lol) hating relationships and love so at least i will never be sad and alone but Independent and happy. Like whats the point even? I think it is lowkey cool to be DA cause we kick ass and don't need no one.

[@shaheera6362]

It is a really great exercise to question your stories but at point do you stop and ask if the other person is gaslighting you? How do you differentiate healthy communication and collective decision making from toxic and controlling dynamics? Is it healthy if the partner insists on collectively think about everything?

[@2KChilds]

I think if that person has been caught lying to you before, then it's a safe bet they'll do it again, especially to get out of trouble. Simply ask deeper questions and see if it adds up. If they really love you and want to rebuild trust, they won't mind. If they've never done anything bad, then make sure you aren't reacting to an old trauma and thinking/fearing it will happen again.

[@sewing2251]

Im reading so many comments about how to help your DA partner. First, try asking for what you need. Not demanding, criticizing or manipulating them, but simply inviting them to meet you where you are. Hold your boundaries, own what's yours to own, and hold them accountable for their part. If after this, the DA still isnt showing up (with adjustments here and there, with both of you respecting eachother's needs), then it wont work and you should stop trying. We all stand a greater chance of calling someone forward to meet our needs when we have our own backs and hold onto our boundaries. When we dont, we send a message to our partners that we will stay no matter what, and that we wont hold them accountable for their hurtful behavior. It doesnt matter what attachment style you are.... This is a universal truth. There are no tricks, no tools and no gimmicks to make someone love and value you.

[@nativeceltbirdog1527]

He's been saying he's just another gut, he doesn't matter, not important, .. And he doesn't need anyone...this just came out in the second week of dating.

[@chasesebastian3064]

native celt birdog save yourself now and run.

[@lindseyroetzel287]

Exactly what happened with my EX. We were together 3 years. I wanted to move in together (we both lived with parents and were approaching 30), he had previously moved in with an EX who lost her job soon after, leaving him to cover the rent for 2 months while she found something else. After I mentioned looking for apartments, it was never the same. He pulled back completely and said things like I wanted him to move in so it was cheaper for me and so I could control his money and keep him out of the bar. Completely not what you expect when you ask a partner to move in. I was hurt. Didnt understand. I'm AA. Took it to mean he didn't love me the same way he had loved her. I was wrong. I just didn't understand his core wounds and that I had triggered them.

[@SC-rp8uf]

Similar issue here except we were looking to buy a house and he kept dragging his feet. Finally one day during a heated argument he goes “your just in a hurry to get this house so you can throw me out anytime I do something you don’t like!!” It was a total WTF moment for me and opened my eyes to the dysfunctional script he played in his head. He ended up running from the relationship completely in the end citing “I don’t know how I feel” which led me to this video. The whole thing is very frustrating as I’m an anxious attacher.

[@FM-zg5hz]

@@SC-rp8uf Any update?

[@fitnesswithwasif3995]

Spot it

[@coppersense999]

Aka CBT. Good stuff.

[@lilliankillian7366]

Hi so how do I get close to a DA .I am very affectionet and he backs off he has pulled back and I still want to try .but keeps his distence. Should I get in touch with him

[@bbabybaby143]

What is a healthy amount of cuddling and touching with a partner? Can it just be that Is how I am and need a partner that likes a lot of physical touch? Or is it my insecure attachment style and not healthy? Please hallpppp

[@sophierobertson9015]

Would you be able to do a video on how to deal with when a dismissive avoidant partner/ ex says they need time to be single and not have to think about anyone else in their decisions but also doesn’t want to lose you and says they need time and would still like to see you?

[@fionaheat718]

Sophie Robertson get out now before ending up in lots of pain, loneliness, sadness, anger, and frustration. I was suicidal in my DA mariage

[@Aussiesher2011]

That happened to me. It was the (almost) beginning of a slippery slope towards breaking up. Sorry.

[@2KChilds]

Classic back-burner situation. They want to play the field and screw other women but keep you around just in case it doesn't work out with one of them. I mean, if he doesn't love you enough to commit now, do you think that's gonna happen after he bangs his way through a few women? And do you want to be one of many he's playing with while he figures his shit out? I've had men give me this cop-out before...I kindly declined but not a single one came back later ready for a relationship. They're selfish, immature guys. Hold out for a good mature man who would never treat you so disrespectfully. You deserve better, hon, start believing that.

[@ADRIANA-qz9ww]

My MAIN issue in ALL my relationships has been not really knowing if I love/like my partner. I know how to label all my feelings and consider myself to be really self-aware but I don't understand why I have this problem that makes me break up all my relationships. I believe I am FA leaning anxious. Could I be wrong and Im avoidant in reality?? Thank you guys xxx

[@FM-zg5hz]

You might be autistic. Look into it.

[@ishanasweetncool]

I am an AA and left my DA in December. He told me he really liked me , loved to spend time with me and missed me when I was not around , but ...couldnt commit to me. As in, call it a relationship. He was hesitating sooo much to break up , and when I said we should work things out , he said sure , but it might not work out ! When he cancelled introducing me to his friends (prior promised ) and said that we shouldn't involve HIS FRIENDS since we are having problems , he triggered my worst anxiety . Absolute worst. I went home , crying. Called him up and ended things with him, said I loved him and pretended to be happy. He moved on so quickly. Didnt reach out to me even once. Next month I see , he gets a new Gf (must probably be very happy with her) . The thought of him with another woman makes me weak to the knees and makes me cry terribly. Am I in love or am I just attached for no reason. I have developed severe PTSD and despite absolute no contact I cant get over him. What should I do ?

[@chasesebastian3064]

ishana kumar do not contact him ever. Start your healing process now. It’s sucks I know. My DA of 7 years just up and walked out of our relationship, after having gone through a few rough months that required her to start opening up in family counseling session. Something she has never had to do in our relationship up to that point. She immediately shut down and got an apartment while I was out of town for work left me and our family and has never once tried to make contact with me or my kids since. It’s been over a month now. She removed every trace of herself from social media that linked us having a life together and all of our friends. Extremely painful and heartbreaking.

[@ishanasweetncool]

@@chasesebastian3064 I am in severe shock! I am a 21 year old and I thought I had a terrible experience! Lucky enough that I don't share anything with him, living space, friends ,assets etc. Seeing your story, I realised what a blunder it would be to contact him. I tried to be a really good girlfriend, but he never gave me the emotional intimacy, affection, or love. I got so drained with giving and giving and receiving nothing in return. He would refuse to hold hands, see me more than once a week and had absolutely no appreciation for whatever I would do for him. He even had the audacity to make me feel disgusting for my race and nationality using his 'Jokes' and was intimidated by my closeness with my family. Appearance, the way I eat, the way I am etc...he suddenly had an issue with everything and even had the audacity to say- this is not where his heart is, but where his D*ck is as a JOKE. statements like-'who else would want to sleep with you' were also JOKES. But I think I dodged a bullet. We were together only for a few months and seeing what DA's put their partners through I am really motivated to do better. Also, Its so hard for me to believe that someone would abandon their children. I can't believe its possible for a mother to do so. I wish you healing and I know you will find a good woman one day who won't leave you. She will stay and make you happy. Don't take this one back for the sake of your kids.

[@chasesebastian3064]

@@ishanasweetncool hearing your story You are doing the right thing. Even if he is a DA those other things go way beyond that. Because your relationship was so short you will bounce back from this sooner than you think. I know it may not feel that way now but, in two months from now you will feel completely different.

[@tequilabumbum4373]

ishana kumar Please dont think that him moving on so fast, has something to do with your faults or that you were not enough. Thank the universe for saving you from future suffering🙏🏽 You will be okay, you are young, beautiful, you have the most amazing days in front of you. You cant see it now, but its coming. Work on yourself untill than, so you are ready to recieve when it comes eventually❤️

[@ishanasweetncool]

​@@tequilabumbum4373 I thought about it and realised that god gave me the strength to break up with him and go NC. I have some major insecurities about myself that demand my attention more than a relationship. I think at 21 I should be bothered about better things like my career. My anxiety is coming from a place of self doubt and that needs fixing .

[@dustinquinton]

I was completely vulnerable with my ex wife who was DA. I found out that you can’t be vulnerable with a DA, and in turn, an intimate relationship with a DA will not work. I would suggest to never have a relationship with a DA.

[@Traumatised311]

Because dismissive avoidants don't feel love hate is their normal love is sometimes and for others it's vice versa

[@gamboamia]

How can an avoidant know the difference between whether they chose an incompatible partner (potentially as a subconscious ploy to give themselves an escape plan) or whether they are nitpicking, doubting and being negative toward their partner as a deactivation strategy?

[@crowekirstin1]

Yes! I just put distance between myself and a close friend because I came to the conviction that we were incompatible. That I didn’t enjoy being around him and that he was too stressful for me. And I feel quite sure. But what if that’s because my childhood taught me that relationships can’t develop and change? He just texted me the other day and I haven’t opened it yet. It’s the elephant in the room every time I find myself alone.

[@FM-zg5hz]

@@crowekirstin1 Any update? I had a DA often tell me we “clash” and don’t get along when that was far from the truth. We got along well lol. He would make up stories in his head. How to approach someone who makes up negative loops in their mind?

[@crowekirstin1]

@@FM-zg5hz I saw him in a bar and we talked. He reiterated that he wanted me to be ok and was worried I didn't have anyone close to me to care for me. I felt like telling him it's over but I didn't and left feeling drained and angry at myself. He texted me after we talked and I replied once and then haven't opened his reply.

[@FM-zg5hz]

@@crowekirstin1 You don’t want to open his text even after you’ve seen him and he’s apologized?

[@aditigoyal8090]

Can you please make a video how to deal with a partner who is dismissive avoidant

[@2KChilds]

She has several videos like that, just search her page.

[@helenrussell1434]

Hello I’m not sure what I am.

[@addtoit]

Which part of your program can I find more about this? 🙏

[@Observerka]

In her school she has a class on reprogramming dismissive avoidant attachment style, plus an advanced class (DA through 6 stages of relationship).

[@12345678abracadabra]

Does this mean that I shouldn't date someone if they are not aware of their patterns, even if they are good people?

[@maximilianbatz2070]

No, this does not mean that. This explains some of the reasons behind DAs behavior. If this is something you can accept (and in fact possibly even want on some level, due to vulnerability and closeness feeling unsafe to you as well) then auch a relationship might work for you.

[@evas6052]

@@maximilianbatz2070 i dont know if 2 avoidants can make it work either...the avoidant afterall wants closeness just doesnt know how to get it and is subconsciously scared but they do want it

[@maximilianbatz2070]

@@evas6052 yes, this is probably the most difficult relationship to sustain... They might drift apart eventually or never become an item. That is why AA and DA pairings work, the AA gives closeness without the DA having to reciprocate all the time. And with awareness this can work, and be a healthy relationship for everyone involved

[@saudlukmanofficial3793]

@@maximilianbatz2070 yeaah i agree with you. But, i think it just can be worth it if the DA's person do their own work for healing!! Relationship is reciprocity. If they're change, greaat!! If they're not just walk awaay!!

[@nativeceltbirdog1527]

Do they try to keep themselves busy, like alot??

[@evas6052]

Yes, many are workaholics...busyness is a trauma response

[@MegaDreamOo]

@@evas6052 or source of validation.

[@ammu1295]

Hi Thais.. my ex is a dismissive avoidant who behaved like this.. I am a fearful avoidant. He broke up with me on my bday and his bday was December 4, mine was the 6th. It has been a month of no contact. Do I reach out, he told me I was too perfect after a year and a half of dating. I’m mostly avoidant because I never reached out on my own. But I cannot stop thinking of him and after watching all your videos and reading, I am not sure whether I should go after him. I have read and watched in many places that da’s truly don’t realize what they’ve lost until 6 weeks after.. should I continue the no contact on my end? Or should I reach out, it is killing me not talking to him :(

[@victoriaschera5149]

You must honor yourself and your feelings. If you’re missing him something serious and he’s your person, sharing that and how you feel without applying pressure will be good for both of you.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@1x93cm]

It's literally like as a kid you learn not to burn your hand on the stove. Grow up, guess what, you know pretty well, don't put your hand on the stove.

[@montieannear2982]

I'm an as with a da. This seems familiar.

[@NikNik0123]

Well if avoiding me on my birthday is non malicious it sure doesn’t feel like it.

[@lschalk]

Is it possible that the person did not know you needed something from them on their birthday? I'm DA and I don't celebrate my birthday because I grew up with my parents not caring about me or my birthday. So, to me, birthdays are no big deal and I don't really think about them. If you watch some of her other videos, she talks about how you need to be clear about your needs with a DA. We don't do hints well. Just tell us clearly what you need. This is a video where she talks about that. kzbin.info/www/bejne/n2Oln6OvZ6x2i7M&ActiveCampaign&The+Results+Are+In+++🌸&DA+Results+Email+1 I am sorry that you were hurt. I think you need to talk about this (rationally, not emotionally) with the person who hurt you and tell them what you needed from them and what you need now and keep on telling them what you need. Good luck!

[@2KChilds]

Same here...birthdays, valentine's, christmas... No gift, dinner, card, or anything except maybe a quick text at the end of the day (and my son would even remind him). A couple times I got a gift a month later, out of the blue, and I felt like "Wow, thanks? Could you not have done this on the actual day instead of making me feel completely unimportant and unloved." I don't know, maybe he actually felt bad in some way, but a month later, and only out of guilty consolation? Too late, bud. The damage is already done. I realized quickly that he just wasn't the romantic type, much less sentimental in any way. Really sucked especially considering I always put real thought into his gifts (and card, and homemade cake once).

[@2KChilds]

@@lschalk How can you not know, that when it's your partner's birthday, they expect you to acknowledge it in some way. Just because you have a negative association with b-days, doesn't mean you should expect your partner not to care. I mean it's pretty standard to expect a present, card, or anything really. And I don't think it's our job to "rationally explain" why birthdays are important to us. It's a deeply emotional thing to want to feel special, important , and loved by the people closest to us.

[@maikelvandervliet6957]

are they aware that they doing this.

[@tundun8365]

Does a DA ever fall in love?

[@amberhildebrand-singleton3134]

I would like to know strategies to help heal a Dismissive Avoidant partner. How do I break through it. How do I get him to feel comfortable and safe so he opens up and feels his feelings

[@evas6052]

Run away! Avoid the avoidant. It could take years! If it happens at all and he needs to go to therapy

[@CorporateQueen]

Loving an avoidant is like breaking your own heart every day. Run away. 😞

[@omphiledirero5622]

I left him, realized I was hurting myself

[@TatiTalks]

Clearly and compassionately communicate your wants and needs. Over-explain, if you can. Express your love and where you see the relationship going. Tell them why they’re so special to you and why you’ve chosen to invest in them and the relationship. Tell them why you see this working and why you’re excited about “us.” Clearly communicate what your expectations/standards/boundaries are in the relationship and where you’ll bend/provide additional support. Ask them to take some time (maybe a few days) to think over if this is something they’re able, wanting, and willing to commit to right now. They need to make the choice. If they say no, thank them for their honesty and understand that it’s not personal and you did everything you could. If they say yes, appreciate their word but watch their actions. Everyone makes mistakes/drops the ball here and there. But if you have to repeatedly communicate your needs and you see zero follow-through/change on their part, have to value yourself enough to walk away knowing that you did what you could and that it’s not personal.

[@CorporateQueen]

@@TatiTalks yeah and been there and done that... but if they can't do it or of you're my ex, he doesn't look at places that are too hard to reach out that he can't remember, then you have no choice but to walk away to save your own sanity. They have to do the work too.

[@karlashmeedavlasta6365]

DA is such a great excuse for having bad character traits.

[@airbubble.]

So is being an asshole. Difference being DAs were generally abused or neglected as small children. Assholes choose to be so. I often find the best thing an asshole can bring to a conversation, is silence. You should try that!

[@sojournerkarunatruth4406]

I’m most interested in the naive behavior (in hindsight) of giving people ‘the benefit of the doubt’ and then inevitably they’ll betray or disappoint? (Unless you’d rather claim that everyone’s a Saint) #missmewiththatshit It seems to come from making all of these baseless ASSumptions (recklessly optimistic); and projecting the character of oneself onto another... I can’t know your life. All avoidant’s will avoid vulnerability with people so; and of course people that are open-hearted are betrayed, too 😕 People are dangerous and I’m staying in lock-down.

[@austinnguyen9107]

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