5 Abnormally Normal Childhood Trauma Issues

If you identified with any of these do some journaling about them. Here are two simple prompts.
1) What do I feel about myself when one of these secrets comes up? Is it true that I’m bad somehow in it or could it actually be normal given what my family system was like. Is it me or is it the system I was born in?
2) What might it feel like if I embraced the normalcy of this issue. Would I be less burdened? Would I feel more human rather than feeling separate. Can I gradually accept that my story is more about my family dysfunction rather than me being faulty?
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
2:19 Connect With Me
03:47 #1 Being estranged from extended family
07:27 #2 Hiding religious abuse and cult abuse
15:01 #3 Not feeling joy when good things happen
18:30 #4 Not liking or fully valuing tenderness and empathy towards self or the vulnerable
22:41 #5 Hiding true feelings when an abusive parent passes away
27:07 Final Thoughts and journaling prompts
28:55 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
MUSIC IS BY - Chris Haugen - Ibiza Dream
• Chris Haugen - Ibiza D...
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255

[@RianeBane]

Does anyone else here have a mixed experience with #4 - having that harsh and devaluing view of yourself, but absolutely valuing tenderness and kindness shown to others (such as kids) who are vulnerable?

[@sarafinakitty7667]

Yes !!

[@felixsafire]

Absolutely!

[@pearblossom1390]

I am like a radar searching for hurting people. I help in anyway I can. I know it’s bc I never want anyone to feel the way I did most my life.

[@ofeliasuciu]

Mee too!

[@lc5666]

Absolutely. 100%. I have literally had to leave the room and cry because being loving toward my kids kicks me in the gut as to how much I always wanted the thing I'm giving them, and I see myself in them and it's the first time I've ever really had compassion for my past little-girl self. Meanwhile I am completely harsh to myself in my own head.

[@akapatience5571]

My Mom passed 1 year ago...I was always fearful that I wouldn't be able to heal from my childhood while she was still alive...it turned out to be true but now that she's gone my healing is going faster than I thought it would. I've had CRPS in my left foot for 5 1/2 years and not able to put any weight on my foot. A few months back I started walking with crutches/walker, now I'm walking on my own! I honestly didn't know that this day would ever come!

[@MsElectricsurge]

I am so happy for you! Biggest hugs from a stranger.

[@emmadiponio4947]

I have held shame for waiting for my mother to die, so I could finally be free. I’m so happy that you have found healing and it gives me hope for my future. TY for sharing.

[@akapatience5571]

@@emmadiponio4947 Awe, my heart goes out to you!❤ Thank you and best of luck to you!

[@akapatience5571]

@@MsElectricsurge Thank you so much!

[@wtfisgoingon129]

Wow….. so happy for you!!!!!

[@sws3013]

I have never wanted to be a parent and I never liked kids even when I was one. Now I’m able to see myself for the funny, silly and amazing kid I was and to love her as she needed to be. I’m healing that little girl and it’s healing my grown up self too.

[@Bronte866]

Thank you for making the wise decision to not have children. This is THE only way to stop generational abuse. It’s not the huge sacrifice many think it is. I have so much respect for this. Any 2 animals on the street can reproduce themselves. It’s not any sort of “accomplishment.” Well done.

[@sws3013]

I feel so sense of accomplishment; I’d feel I’d failed myself if I’d had kids. And I don’t feel any FOMO, that’s for sure.

[@NehaSharma-wq9yc]

I never wanted kids and I now see that I was so right. We all already have a child that is permanent with us and that Is our own inner child who has been thru it all , seen it all . Most of the population is actually unconsciously trying to heal their own inner child by having kids and dint even know it. So why not heal our own inner child/ our past directly anyway ? Because your past is still living in the body , your past selves is still stuck there looking for answers and the future you can now save her/him

[@Kirsten138]

I just want to thank everyone who is in their 50s or older who is healing now. I'll be 55 this month and my inner critic says I should have known this stuff (somehow, magically 🙄). Knowing you are out there is very healing for me. I have worked on a lot of this most of my life, but feel like I was just playing with puzzle pieces to different puzzles. I feel like I have been given the picture on the box so that the pieces actually make sense.

[@csstudio3648]

@Kirsten Frisch Thank you for writing this! I feel the same. Beautifully said.

[@taramoonshadow363]

You are a gifted writer! Thank you for your input! :)

[@ellie698]

I know exactly what you mean

[@texuztweety]

Thank you Kirsten, I can relate

[@BETH..._...]

I completely relate • I'm so grateful to know that I CAN work on healing and doing differently for myself.

[@floxendoodle942]

I’ve had a hard time my entire life with celebrations thrown for me, such as birthdays, graduations, etc. I think I’ve never liked such celebrations because I never felt worthy or enough. Even as an 8-year-old child, I was embarrassed to open the presents that my friends bought for my birthday party because I felt like I didn’t deserve them and, perhaps, my friends were even inconvenienced by having to shop for me. Later in life, when I had to plan my own wedding, I didn’t want to bring attention to myself, so I wore a nice suit, instead of a dress, and my husband and I just exchanged our vows in a judge’s office. The thought of walking down an aisle and being the center of attention was horrifying to me. I’m in my mid-fifties now and am finally realizing that these were all trauma responses and not because I just wasn’t a “celebration kind of gal.” 🥳

[@startwinkle5562]

I can relate to this.

[@SoManyRandomRamblings]

Same. Except I haven't had the wedding yet, and mid forties......but otherwise I feel the same

[@Hawaiiansky11]

Wow....I remembering having the same visceral terrifying feeling of being the center of attention at my own wedding, too! We had a big church wedding with all the traditions, and I made it through. Then, narc female parent said to me the next day how surprised she was that I hadn't acted like a bridezilla. And of course I married an abusive cheater (which is what narc's want for their scapegoats, BTW), so that lasted all of 4 months.

[@stephr9859]

Awe! Hugs to you. Gosh yeah, I have to admit the same thing! But this is the first time I would think of it as a trauma response…wow…

[@carolyncibik8429]

I declined to have a birthday party after my 6th birthday. always knew I would never have a wedding. While craving love and acceptance, and joy, of course, I find that I totally shy away from all situations that draw attention like that. I feel like I've kind of been robbed of something important.

[@kyrannify]

I have never really felt joyous for big occasions: my graduations, my wedding, etc. I didn't notice that it wasn't normal until the last couple years. For the longest time, I felt guilty over that. I watched friends so excited to graduate and over big Facebook announcements while I could only think about what came next and step-by-step what to do, rather than pausing and celebrating myself and my accomplishments. I think this comes from my parents restraining their emotions at these events and every day. Living in a house where fundamentalism denies emotional outbreaks will do that to you. It always just felt so normal, like an every day occurrence to graduate, to get married, to perform a recital, etc. It's incredibly ironic that I'm in a performance career now. I really identified with Patrick saying that we might seek high adrenaline situations. I think this is why I chose performance. It's what makes me feel alive and in the moment. After a lot of practice, I don't disassociate from myself while performing anymore. It's not quite joy, but it's me and authentic and that's enough. Thank you for making these videos. I'm learning so much about myself. ❤️

[@robyngledhill5052]

Would you think the lack of "joy" or no (or less) true, unforced experience of it can add to depression or sadness due to a reprieve which joy could bring upon, for example, suddenly hearing exciting (to more regular brain) news, receiving a positive message or a party etc.? I have a pretty strong understanding about what you're describing above: anhedonia in a way ....

[@Mushroom321-]

Thank u for sharing! I'm glad u were able to have the healing. I definitely relate w/ the feeling of " what's next " type of feeling..

[@succubus20y]

I felt this too when i was younger

[@joniatoms9798]

Agree. I’m caring for my narc mother with dementia and dad is huge codependent. Sometimes over the years I’ve so abandoned and abused that i wanted to be dead or wished the other person so. What do you recommend we say then in the receiving line?

[@meganmcdonald3908]

@@joniatoms9798 I realized when dealing with my parents' end of life issues that people who had not experienced extreme dysfunction did not understand it. My dad was a sweet guy (didn't protect us from mom and also very codependent), and was kind and helpful. This was reflected at his funeral in the testimonials. My mother was a manipulative nightmare, and a lot of superficial niceties were spoken at her funeral. I think more people had her pegged than I had realized. There is an extra layer of difficulty in caring for a parent that did not do the same for you. Peace to you. M

[@syuan5889]

Having to constantly tell other people that my experience with my parents is not their experience with my parents is a huge one for me. Would really appreciate it you could cover it in more detail.

[@BD-yl5mh]

Yeah, just because they can perform well for the couple hours at a time that those people see them, doesn’t mean they don’t have a different self that’s more present most of the time

[@morganrasmussen5071]

And my spouse is not the same around you that he is around me...

[@SusanEnnis-qr3eo]

Completely understand. I would sneak people into the house to prove what they all were truly like. My witnesses would look in shock and never speak to me again. I told everyone the truth but no one could accept it. Got really familiar with the process of denial and everyone calling me a liar because “no one could be that horrible.” After cutting them all off I found the real me again. Now people ask if I was adopted - nicest compliment ever!

[@sallycriss353]

THANK YOU for addressing the religious trauma abuse! My mother believes she's a prophetess. You can't even imagine what THAT is like unless you lived it.

[@x-mess]

So sorry you had/have to go through that. It's hard having a "persona" as opposed to a parent. The guilt tripping is what I find the hardest.

[@cherylmockotr]

Wow, I can't imagine... except I can a little. My mother had a way of making declarative statements such that anything and everything she thought was gospel truth and any opposing thought was scoffed at and dismissed. She could NEVER be wrong! I can only imagine what she would have been like if she'd actually embraced the title of prophetess!

[@Kiwiwiwi-qg2ds]

My mom was similar to this... She claimed God wanted her and her abusive alcoholic husband to stay together. Being raised in the church, how could I argue with that? She claimed God spoke to her, but I had my doubts even from a young age. I would ask why God would want us to suffer and be with someone that treats us so poorly.. She had no answer for that 😒

[@hkszerlahdgshezraj5219]

When I passed my final exam at university and finally became and engineer, I ticked off my biggest dream in life. I went home to play WoW. I was sort of glad that the massive anxiety I felt before the exam was over. That was the most joy I felt. The lack of anxiety :D

[@kellyn3347]

#5 really hit me. I'm in my 50s and my father died about 3 years ago and my own brother, who grew up with me, spoke before me at the graveside ceremony and started his speech with "My father was a GREAT man" really loudly. I could feel a physical visceral feeling that it was intended to make sure I didn't speak the truth. (It worked. I held my head up and just tried to survive the nightmare.) My mother also had my ex husband (who strangled me when I was pregnant with a fourth child (which I lost a week or two later)) stand with my immediate family at the graveside. It was horrible. Trying to process this brought me to this channel. So, I still fight feeling guilty but, I'm glad he died, because it forced me to face the truth of the (terrible, terrible) pain of my childhood... Which I always blamed myself for. You are saving lives with this channel, you are helping people get free.

[@jenni4claire]

That sounds utterly horrific. I hope you are on the road to recovery, and away from those people. This guy is really helpful.

[@PurplePinkRed]

I'm fearful of the same thing when my mother eventually passes. I know my brother will say very similar things. I'll have to grin and bear it for a few hours, and go be sick afterwards. I honestly hope my stepfather outlives her so I do not have any funeral responsibilities.

[@karmaoutlaw]

I hope your brother gets help too. He sounds like a champion of putting on a show for the outside world.

[@susangrande8142]

I’m so sorry you had to go through that nightmarish funeral!! I wish healing for you. 🙏

[@lc4life369]

I'm glad he mentioned it too. I have a nephew who everyone kepts saying didn't show emotion when his mother died (my sister) just recently while his brother and sister were very upset and crying. His brother and sister lived with their father though and wasn't around my sister who ended up with a herion addiction that killed her. So he just had a different experience with her. He's also has autism so that might have alot to do with it. Either way I'm so sick of people saying he must be a serial killer or something because he wasn't crying at the funeral. And maybe I can try to explain to them (my family members) why he's not with the explaination from this video.

[@LeoTheDarkAngel]

Whenever I hear about generational trauma, I start to think about how my grandparents were badly traumatized by the 2nd world war (and likely even by the 1st although they were just born) and so my parents, aunts and uncles got traumatized , too (partly by generational trauma and partly by the direct aftermath of WWII). And now here I am, still traumatized and mentally ill because of something that happened decades before I was even born and because nobody before me got (or took) the chance to work on their trauma.

[@merrilymunson5010]

I don't believe people from that era even realized they had a problem, I was in my sixties and involved in a very toxic relationship with a man, and while searching on Google I started to recognize things about my upbringing that we're not normal. If it had not been for the internet I might have never known that my family was dysfunctional, or that try as I may I was still carrying on some of the damage that I didn't recognize...

[@theladyamalthea]

100%!! The more I have learned about trauma, the more I see all the hallmarks of it in my family. I don’t blame them for blocking their emotions after what they saw as teens in WWII, but I do blame them for refusing, even now, to acknowledge it. They actively scoff at therapy. It’s just perpetuating the damage to their children and grandchildren, and it’s not right.

[@Bronte866]

I don’t think any war can be blamed, even partially, for a child having this degree of trauma & instability.

[@tmking7483]

​@@theladyamalthea it's the shame of being a helpless child without help. Even to this day _ I feel shame when people spit on me _ when it's the spitter who has the shame issue.We were conditioned to carry our parents shameless shame _ and as adults shameless adults pick up on this wound in us and stick their finger in our eyes so they can feel better. Really, humanity is unconscious_ in fear and terror _ and we did it to our lives by hunting each other. So Drive the speed limit _ keep your head down or go hide in the woods _ because the world is in a world of pain.Its everybody in denial.

[@erinm3567]

I find myself feeling jealous and really annoyed when I hear about a younger, extended family member's homecoming and/or prom experience or getting their driver's license at 16...basically when I see them getting treated the way I wanted to be. My stepmom had told me that if I'd treated her better I could have gotten my driver's license much sooner than I did and she and my dad didn't buy me my own prom dress, I had to borrow it from a stranger who was two sizes bigger than I. I'm 38 now but I get very triggered seeing others receive love and support.

[@bsociety4647]

I know exactly what you mean. I would go to my friend's house (which her dad built with his own two hands) and they were always going to church and her mom also drove the school bus at our school to have more of an active role in her kids schooling and my friend seemed to take her perfect family life for granted and I'd sit there thinking, "Man... Why couldn't I have this?" Like I would have after school activities and I'd have to wait for hours to get picked up because my mom was drunk and passed out at home and had Bipolar (which was probably only 10 minutes away from the school.) Sorry I said so much... I just wanted to validate how you feel.

[@CarieGurl]

Yes me too. It feels awful to witness others, younger siblings for me, to be celebrated eject I was, it seemed, a chore for them that I existed... 😔

[@bsociety4647]

@@CarieGurl I'm so sorry. I understand fully. I'm so happy we've all been validated and have had the same experience, but I feel bad we've all experienced this feeling as well

[@StephanieHarris-eu7jn]

My dad and step mom had more kids as I was graduating, and these kids get absolutely everything. Meanwhile, I was made to feel like a horrible person for asking for lunch money.

[@bsociety4647]

@@StephanieHarris-eu7jn I kinda had the same situation but it was different... My stepmom had adult kids who were both older than me and when my dad would buy me presents for my birthday or holidays, my stepmom would tell him, "Now you have to buy Farrah something that costs the same amount." -(Farrah was her daughter)- She would literally tell him that in front of me on my own birthday.. I got to where I hated my birthdays or anything meant to celebrate... It would hurt because everything was always turned into a competition.... My dad even considered adopting her so she could biologically have our last name and that made me hate my last name. I was so glad I got married and my last name changed because I didn't want any link to them

[@raslalique]

Awards, graduations, promotions... all of it... I never cared about. I have drawers full of old graduation photos I never sent out. I never attended my university graduations. For most of these "good" things others around me were more excited than I was. I also have this thing where I accidentally say "funeral" when I meant to say "wedding". Happens all the time, sometimes without me noticing.

[@maryjanerx]

Yes, it felt like graduating was just something you were supposed to do, rather than an accomplishment

[@healerscreek]

Exactly!! I did not attend my college graduation even though I graduated with honors.

[@norwegianforestcat7471]

I do the "wedding/funeral" thing all the time. I wasn't very enamored of most of the marriages I saw when I was young, to put it mildly.

[@desertboot9755]

I shocked everyone laughing at a school friend's funeral. I didn't know what to do. Seriously, I giggled! If that's not messed up, I don't know what is.

[@raslalique]

@@desertboot9755 It's not messed up. Now you know why you did that. Please forgive yourself if you haven't already

[@christine5808]

My abusive mother died when I was 14, and I remember the strongest feeling I had about her death was one of relief that she could no longer hurt my sister and me. I felt horribly ashamed of having that feeling of relief for many, many years, until I finally realized through a lot of reading and therapy that under the circumstances that feeling was justified. Thank you so much for talking about this topic.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

That's one of the more horrifying things, IMO, that my narc female parent (and her minions) did to me; make me despise children and hate the idea of being a mother. When I was a young teen and had found a good man who wanted to marry me, I was excited and proud at the thought of becoming a wife and mother...but the narc would not have it. Having a 'typical teen experience' that included the all-important prom (where teen boys try to 'get lucky' because I guess that's a thing) and "playing the field" was more important, so I could figure out what kind of man I really wanted. All that did for me was drive the good man away and invite abusive, exploitative parasites. I believe she wanted me to be used, abused, cheated on and thrown away...because then, her own abuse of me could be justified in that twisted mind of hers. Enabling male parent (who was a serial philanderer, mind you), said to me after my two failed marriages, "Maybe marriage just isn't for you." It was 'for me,' until the evil narc got the better of me. I'd have made a very good wife to a man who actually valued, respected and loved me.

[@jerirasulo9543]

​@@Hawaiiansky11Sad. My mother lives to see me unhappy. She has sabotaged my life with bad advice, etc. Your story is so sad. Imagine if you had just married him. Narcissists are evil. They get off on others pain. I'm in Waikiki btw 🌴

[@a007girl]

Jennette Mccurdy wrote "I'm glad my mom died" it's a good book and I learned that these feelings are normal for a traumatic childhood

[@a007girl]

It's a small world I'm from the Big Island LoL

[@keerthikishor2641]

So happy to have found this video. The not being familiar with extended family thing always catches up to me. Being with friendship talk non stop about their relatives, cousins, the bonds, sleepovers, being at their wedding or any celebrations kills me. They go on and on about how they used to spend summer vacations at their family house and I bury myself in shame not having any of such story to share with. I don’t know any relatives from my maternal side. Nor am I close to the ones from my paternal side. I always wondered why. Why is my life so different, so difficult to explain to others. When the answer has always been there all along - it’s not my fault, it’s my family’s. I thought I was alone, till I found this video.

[@samilove2748]

I understand this, I grew up not knowing or having a relationship with my cousins, aunts and uncles. Friends talking about the close relationships they have with families, weddings, days out etc...used to dread the possibility that I may get married one day... .love to you 💛

[@moonchild708]

same here ❤ also there was lots of cheating, outside babies, narcissistic abuse, etc. so i only have a few half uncles on my dad's side that i don't know, and one aunt on my mom's who was blacklisted from the family by my abusive grandma. it changes things a whole lot bc as a child, you were told that she was a bad child/person but really she was broken from the abuse and made to look like a bad person.

[@hodamawlawi512]

1- Beings estranged from extended family 2- Hiding religious abuse and cult abuse 3- Not feeling joy when good things happen 4- Not liking or fully valuing tenderness and empathy towards self and the vulnerable 5- Hiding true feelings when an abusive parent passes away

[@bonnie_wood6782]

Seriously. So many I identify with here.

[@resurgem]

I can identify with all of them except number 2, although my mums own methodist upbringing influenced her treatment of me and ruined my wedding by not allowing me to wear a white dress and making me feel ugly.

[@shereeoz]

Me too mate!

[@12235117657598502586]

No. 5 is me. No. 4 was my mother.

[@12235117657598502586]

@@resurgem Sorry 😞. I hope you’re stronger now. I’m the same as you, but it’s mostly 4 (my mother) and 5 (me). Fortunately for me, the people I care most about in this world truly understood why I didn’t attend my mothers funeral and most importantly, they didn’t judge me either. I now try to do the same for others. 🙂

[@MrOscarmatic]

Sometimes just a word can feel validating... when you said "treated with contempt" the word contempt stuck a chord. I've made so may excuses for my family and my upbringing. All the "on the outside" we were "normal". I had food and shelter etc... But we were treated with contempt as children. Manifesting in a variety of ways, but it was constant. I understand my self-contempt a little more today. Thank you, Patrick.

[@susanhawkes2519]

I feel guilty knowing how materially privileged I was but I have the nerve to not be content. Children who are treated with contempt & who witness the marital relationship as based on mutual contempt are shame filled.

[@neciadubyak5103]

A part of me feels shame for feeling like my family was/is toxic because there was no physical abuse but let me tell you...the mental/emotional abuse I experienced was real & it affects me every day. I'm 40 now trying to heal so I don't hurt my children. Thank you 😊

[@nichollebraspennickx943]

40? Good for you !!!!!! I was 51 when I finally acknowledged I was emotionally abused.... awesome!!! Keep working through the inner child lens.. in 2 + years of therapy - I’ve gained self love and compassion.... essential for healing and moving on.... doesn’t mean I’m not sad... it means I can finally acknowledge my sadness, process it... and move through it... I wish the same for you and others...

[@paulag1551]

I relate to all of them except 2, but the most significant one that stood out for me was 5. My mother was a controlling, self-centered, narcissist who passed away Sept 12, 2020. I felt nothing. Didn't really cry. I didn't go to the funeral because I live in FL and she in NY, covid restrictions and I had just started a new job. I still don't have any feelings about it or even miss her. It may sound harsh to most, but it is what it is. I'm 52 and still have deeply rooted anger towards her. That's why I need therapy. Thank you Patrick for what you do. I will be attending your webinar on the 30th.

[@alisongreen7576]

I am the same age as you and have a very similar mother- I went no contact 17 years ago and have thought about how I will feel when she dies- and it's pretty similar to your feelings. You do not sound harsh or callous at all to me- I've heard it all from simple shock and surprise- "but she's your mother!" to well meaning lectures "But I'm sure you might regret it if she dies before you ever speak to her again" to angry judgements that I am selfish or ungrateful or that I am the narcissist- usually from women with estranged daughters. I totally agree with what Patrick says in this video about there being a "contract" and that if a parent breaks it, you are no longer obliged to hold up your end. A mother is supposed to love you no matter what. Murderers on death row have mothers who bake birthday cakes for them and campaign tirelessly on their behalf, while accepting their guilt. A woman in England runs a charity recycling wedding dresses into beautiful tiny outfits for babies born too early to survive, and their mothers cherish the photographs and their tiny footprints. A mother loves you no matter how dumb, ugly, clumsy, dull or just plain mediocre you turn out. When the person who gave birth to you doesn't do that, they have not earned the title of "mother" and cannot claim the associated respect, affection and privileges.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Your feelings/lack of are completely normal....my husband was the scapegoat....we went 💯 % no contact in ‘15 and never looked back - her toxicity is horrible

[@crystaledwards9878]

Huggles.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@peacelove6817]

They may be our parents but they do not allow for the bond early on. This is a big reason we don’t have that feeling that is “normal” toward them. They never allowed the bond through the gas lighting, abuse whether emotional or physical it never allowed a true bond. I have a sister that went no contact for a while now with our Mom. Right now my contact with her is holding on by a thread.

[@maryschumacher7118]

My parents were devout Catholics. Every happening in our family or in the world was described by my mother as "God's Will." Also, if I ever looked for attention or praise for something I'd done, my mother would look at me with great disappointment and say, " You've lost all your graces. You should just offer it up for the greater glory of God." Very difficult to understand at 5 years of age. Religious abuse.

[@Joelswinger34]

It sounds like when they talked about god, they really meant them.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@mrsmucha]

My mom would say self praise stinks. Catholic parents loved to make you feel guilty for breathing.

[@ReforeSetka]

Tearing up here just listening to the validation for cult children. The outside world is not evil, and neither am I. I didn't deserve what I went through and all the shame. And if you're a cult child reading this, neither did you. You're good, you're strong, you're whole without the religion and people who hurt you so much.

[@MarieRhondelle]

♡ That part almost made me cry too.

[@jessosiyoway]

Yes! You *are* worthy if live and goodness, and others *are& worthy of love, trust, and kindness. You are also incredibly strong for getting out and building a life and raising yourself on your own. So glad you're free!

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@ms.anonymousinformer242]

@Shyiese Holliday Yep. I agree.

[@susangrande8142]

About #5: my father was narcissistic; when he died 6 years ago, I mourned for 2 weeks and then I was done. I’d done most of my mourning the father I never had in the years before that. Most of my mourning in that 2 weeks was letting go finally of the old wish that sometime I’d receive the close, loving relationship with him that I’d always wanted and needed and didn’t have.

[@corinneharrison9113]

Grieving lost hope. ☹️

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@x-mess]

I woke up the day after my father had passed away and felt this anguish in my chest. I stopped and thought... is this grief? Is this mourning? It's what I always felt for/about him. In that moment I realized I've had been mourning him for years. Then I thought to myself that I got over it before... I'll get over it again.

[@toughenupfluffy7294]

I cried as my father lay dying. That was the last time I cried for him. I don't feel like it's a loss, but a gain.

[@tmo6349]

I felt so much guilt when my estranged mother died because I felt relief. I did not ever wish anything bad to happen to her, but I was constantly afraid of running into her.

[@annabela.1673]

Same in my case. And what truly made me sad was how I felt motherless way before her death.

[@jessn.3851]

I never had a good relationship with my mother. And yes, I felt sad when she died, because death is sad. But most of all I felt relief, because there would be no more guilt manipulation. I have not missed her a single day, because I don't really remember her ever comforting me. I miss my grandma sometimes though, because I felt most comfortable around her.

[@maryjanerx]

I have those feelings too! Relief of the abusive parents lack of life,and then guilt over feeling not sad. I also have guilt over being relived that my boyfriends died,in addituon to the grief and shock that comes with sudden death. Every feeling i have is valid, and we are allowed to feel however we feel.

[@CC-hx5fz]

When my father died, I was able to breathe properly. I started laughing. For months, I just kept chuckling to myself every time I remembered that he really was gone. I was 40 but I felt so delinquent and silly.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@5avan10]

One of the biggest issues I've had in getting help with my religious/cult abuse is that psychiatrists don't seem to believe me when I tell them that I was raised in a cult. They always ask me "What cult was that?" When I tell them it was Mormonism, I immediately see a look of disbelief flash across their faces. They never ask me any more about it, and when I try to bring it back up they steer the conversation away from it. Mormonism may be a large and fairly mainstream cult, and they may be good at appearing "normal" and functional on the outside, but it is still a cult and it screws your mind up so bad. There's a reason why Utah is the teenage suicide capitol state, and why it has the country's record for antidepressant use, as well as a record number of people with self-reported pornography addiction among other things. Then you get gaslit about how you are exaggerating when you try to explain your trauma, because everybody knows someone who's a Mormon and they are so friendly and appear so happy and put together so it couldn't be all that bad, right?

[@maryjanerx]

Sending you virtual support.

[@crystaledwards9878]

Yes, it Is a cult. 100%

[@spiderqueen601]

Therapists are useless for this. Even if you named a cult they recognized as a cult they’d still be clueless.

[@bonnie_wood6782]

It's a high demand group. Period. That's not healthy. You got it. Trust yourself.

[@thecoldglassofwatershow]

I read “under the banner of heaven” and wow it really shows how much of a cult mormonism really is. I grew up going to catholic school, and left at 6th grade, and it was very much an emotional abusive cultish culture too.

[@kcmyers107]

Stockholm syndrome def hits home with me. Today if my mom died I would feel relief. That does sound like I'm a monster but don't feel bad about that. Can relate to being jealous of my brother & sister that lived with my dad as a kid. But today when I see loving parents I'm kinda just mesmerized like wow that's what good parent's looks like.

[@ashlieelizabeth8170]

You are NOT a bad person for feeling this way. My boyfriend is glad his dad is not here (his dad passed of alcoholism in 2014). He opened up and said he was abusive growing up and always brought him down. I don't think he is a bad person AT ALL. I think his dad is. He, and like you, have EVERY right to feel this way esp. with growing up in abuse. It's like you feel now you can live freely and don't have to deal with their guilt trip, narcissism, or any other toxic behaviors. That is why you would feel the relief. I am so sorry for anyone had/has to go through this. Take care

[@kcmyers107]

@@ashlieelizabeth8170 Aww thank you, personal stories help knowing your not alone. My mother is also an alcoholic with untreated mental health problems. "Now I know that some of that wasn't her fault, so I'm not making jokes". I'm sorry about his dad! You sounds like a wonderful supportive gf, like you guys understand each other❤ alcoholics suck. Idk if he felt like a rollercoaster ride really good, you start to think their going to be nice/better. Then really bad. Over over again till you can't forgive them. I really love the show shameless helped me in a lot of serious subjects.

[@ashlieelizabeth8170]

@@kcmyers107 You're welcome! And personal stories always help. It lets you know you are not alone. I am so sorry about your mother. Addiction is very hard on everyone involved, especially the family and people around the addict. He still has a bit of stokholm syndrome with his dad. ABSOLUTELY!! He felt that EXACT way with his dad! That he would become nicer and better! He also feels that way with some family members too. But he wants to have relationships with them because they're family. My family is very different. We were once tight knit when my grandparents were both still alive just like his. But now, nope. I cut a lot of relatives off. We were 'close' because of them being alive--almost as if we had to associate with the person and certain family members dismissing their bad behavior. But if someone disturbs my peace, goodbye. But that's just me. Awe thank you so much I appreciate it 🥰 I try my best lol. He's very emotional---his family wasn't emotional growing up/talking about feelings. But he's just wonderful 🥰. It's about being a team and listening.

[@ashlieelizabeth8170]

Shameless is really good! He watches it sometimes but I've never seen it in a full setting. But will have to check it out! But honestly, you discribed everything to a T!!

[@mayamichelle6741]

Thanks for posting. I can relate. I want good for my parents. I feel vicarious joy when I know they are safe and happy. But I also know I will feel relief when my mother passes. I also know I will feel nothing when my father passes. I don't feel shame or guilt for this. But I know that society silences me from being honest about this. So I don't share it. In my gut, I know my feelings are appropriate, inoffensive and harmless.

[@mitchh3092]

18:30 I've been working hard on being kinder to myself, not calling myself dumbass or overly-criticizing myself for mistakes. It's HARD. I don't recall much in the way of that sort of verbal abuse from my parents, but I internalized it from *somewhere* and it's hard.

[@wavy6470]

Maybe because we don't repeat the exact words they said but how the situations and their behaviors made us feel

[@lori3670]

You're doing a great job trying to get better at self talk :)

[@alisongreen7576]

If your parents were very critical of other people, you would have applied those same standards to yourself- I had a friend who, at age 8, witnessed his father have a homophobic rant about an effeminate looking man they drove past, and he grew up terrified he would be gay because he knew how his father would feel about it- his father had never said a word to him directly, but he very clearly got the message.

[@temidayoakogun1439]

You put this so well. I realized that once I was kinder to myself , I can be kinder to people. I just hadn’t learned kindness as one of the my values growing up, so I didn’t know how to give it to myself if others around me. I started to notice how people reacted in my presence and I was ashamed of that. I too don’t recall directly being verbally abused, in fact now that I think about it, it’s probably from my mum, her verbal abuse though not very often was usually direct and loud while my dad’s was passive aggressive for the most part. But Patrick’s video definitely helps give clarity on why we experience these things. Smh, your comment is so relatable for me.

[@chrismeyer8058]

Check out Pete Walker. I am working on the inner critic in me, and his process is very straight forward (and compassionate).

[@Slythegirl123]

The religious abuse not always meaning cult got to me. Religion was a huge part of my family life and I put my mother screaming about how if I killed myself I was going to hell at age 8 to my anxiety surrounding christianity. It still affects me, and she still denies it happened.

[@wavy6470]

I can relate... In some way, it made me feel trapped - feeling that there is no escape even in death, which actually made me want to disappear in order to run away from everything. But "God watches you everywhere". I'm so glad to be free from this mindset now, and this freedom gives me power to live my life fully. Good luck, dear stranger

[@dreamstorm947]

I'm very religious and christian but I found my abusive mother took advantage of this with my family because of the commandment that says honor your father and your mother. I couldn't speak up because that was "acting out/disrespectful", I couldn't defend myself because that was "Acting out/disrespectful". Turns out when your abuser twists honor/respect into being a doormat they can justify anything to you and not allow you to speak up. (and bonus, you get to feel guilty about speaking up if you try to because you feel you are a "bad child"). Going to therapy has helped me see it wasn't my religion that was the problem, it was my mother taking advantage and twisting things to make me feel like any slight disagreement or wanting to explain myself or stand up for myself was disrespect If someone is attacking you verbally, you have every right to speak up and tell them to stop, it doesn't matter if they are your parent. God didn't create us to be doormats.

[@rosemarrypolack5708]

When Roe v Wade passed, in 1972, I was in 6th grade. My Mother came running into mine and my sister's bedroom, screaming to come to her if you become pregnant!!! My sister and I were just listening to music and playing a game. We both looked at each other puzzled. I thought to myself....mental note. Don't go to Mom, as she is nuts! I did not know how sex even happens at that time. I am pro life, but I don't condem women who have an abortion. I am realizing that we all are on our own journey in life. My Mother was super religious and had issues with depression.

[@CC-hx5fz]

I grew up in the 60s and 70s, in the UK. It was quite common for teachers, particularly at primary school (ages 4 to 11), to use God or Jesus to frighten children. Because my parents were teachers, I met other teachers socially over the years. What's shocking is that most of these teachers didn't have any particular religious conviction. To them, using any means of belittling and silencing children was just part of managing a class of 30+ children.

[@jediping]

Going to church is still majorly triggering for me. I believe in a loving god, and in Christ, but the scabs haven’t all scarred over.

[@pelletier4432]

So true about the fractured family and not knowing cousins or extended family well enough to be joyful in their experiences. The opposite situation is also true when going no contact with family on both sides, where kids don't know their cousins, aunts and uncles well because of having to stay away from the toxic ringleaders. It seems to go both ways where there's collateral damage. I wish it was not like this.

[@progressivedragon6664]

That's pretty much what I posted too... in detaching from my extended family due to abuse, I have sadly lost touch with my cousins

[@pelletier4432]

@@progressivedragon6664 Wow, thanks for mentioning. I know there must be lots of us!

[@PurplePinkRed]

@@pelletier4432 Totally agree with you on this! Born into a highly fragmented family full of divorce. Only one couple in my family stayed married from their first marriage, and well, they are convicted felons 🤷‍♀️ Not exactly role models and together out of necessity, not love!

[@pelletier4432]

@@PurplePinkRed Oh my gosh I hear you. At least we're working on being healthy for ourselves to stop the cycle.

[@PurplePinkRed]

@@pelletier4432 For sure! 😊

[@leighburville2717]

As therapist Pia Melody stated it: "Dad left me long before he died." Same goes for my former husband; he left me emotionally and spiritually long before I moved to an apartment of my own.

[@Oreocare]

I grew up in an anti-love family with a covert narcissist for a mother and because of that I am very kind, gentle and sensitive with my own daughter. I hate to see children’s feelings being disregarded in an attempt to condition them into codependency and silence. I have experienced annoyance from people who have expressed that I shouldn’t be so caring with my child. I always laugh at that because I find it ironic that people have the audacity to challenge necessary and balanced nurturing but they don’t seem to have a problem with narcissistic abuse towards a child. Go figure...🙄😒

[@Hawaiiansky11]

My narc female parent used to scold me for holding my daughter too much, when she was a baby...because she didn't want to hold her, so I shouldn't!

[@andreaperschbacher254]

Best we can do is protect our kids from those psychos

[@brandyk]

Nizhinga Love I've always felt people n society at large are more likely to criticize the thing that seems safer n usually because it is or seems to them the other extreme but clearly not as bad. People will make remarks not necessarily mean or trying to be rude to a person they think is too thin but never to someone really heavy. People feel more comfortable saying someone goes to the gym too much or obsessed with working out but likely never call anyone on opposite of this.its safer.

[@bellaluce7088]

@@brandyk I don't know what kind of angels you've been blessed to associate with, but as an actual fat person with many fat friends, I can assure you what you wrote about fat people not being criticized is absolutely, categorically FALSE. "People will make remarks not necessarily mean or trying to be rude to a person they think is too thin but never to someone really heavy." If you doubt it, there are countless articles about the harmful effects of fat prejudice (and plenty of examples of it) mere clicks away.

[@jennifertalley49]

@@bellaluce7088that’s the truth !

[@restingbitchface3775]

I can relate to the second one so much and it wasn't even a cult. Christianity can be really toxic and it's bc of the people involved

[@DarthFurie]

It's because people are fallible with their own internal issues, and they take that and latch on to the most toxic aspects or interpretations of a religion, in order to weaponize it against other people instead of dealing with themselves. My parents are both part of 2 different cult-like sects of Christianity and that's my best understanding as an adult

[@W41K3R-_-]

@@DarthFurie same. We arent apart of the same churches I assume my extended families still go to. Not as much control within my dad's side, and I believe my absent mother quit religion all together. Ended up at a baptist church down the street. Very judgmental and paranoid.

[@ssmith5127]

All I know is that I was looking around my classroom and realizing that everyone there was going to hell for all eternity because they didn't do what my family and church did. This was in first or second grade. Even my favorite teacher was hell bound. And my neighbors, and all the people at the mall, and everyone at the park, and, and, and. What a thing to tell a five to seven year old. Medical treatment was ok though even if the doctor's and nurses were eventually going to hell too. And yes, I had to date or marry someone in the belief or else. Everything was a SIN. And you didn't even have to "do the sin". Just thinking about "doing the sin" was enough to send you down under forever. My teen years were obviously hard. And I've had trouble feeling like I fit in with people since I've been an adult. It can really stick with you even if you get out of it. I guess all those Sunday and Wednesday sermons worked.

[@TraceyMrachek]

yes! I've been doing soul retrievals around this. signed, a recovering catholic 😉

[@jclyntoledo]

@@ssmith5127 I always thought that was a traumatizing thing to tell a child. I don't think Christianity is all together bad as that is also my religion but I don't agree with how it's taught especially to children. I also think it's maybe important to teach spirituality first and then maybe later let children explore religion. Like you can teach a child about God and prayer without convincing them if they don't get all their friends baptized they will all burn in hell. I feel like ppl don't understand the balance and they end up on some extreme end of the spectrum. But I also don't believe you should convince someone to join a religion based on fear that they will burn in hell if they don't. Personally I think most ppl go about it completely wrong.

[@eet2274]

My head is spinning. I have been in therapy for years and I did not bring this stuff up as i was too scared and I did not know these were part of trauma. Thanks for bringing some light to the shadow parts 💗

[@Mike_Lennox]

The obstacle with therapists is that the client is not in a position to recognize and manage the therapists limitations and distortions of perception. Another obstacle is that trauma is primarily a result of being deprived of the example, language and concepts that empower integration and emotional growth and development. Therapy is limited to the example, language and concepts that the therapist provides or directs attention towards.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@give_peas_a_chance]

@@Mike_Lennox Very true. In my experience, therapy has not been at all helpful.

[@Alsatiagent]

@@give_peas_a_chance I highly recommend the work of Dr. Gabor Mate. He has many interviews on KZbin. Don't worry too much about the Ayahuasca experiences. He only recently learned about it and its use is not essential to his insightful take on the effects of trauma. That's any trauma. Even the kind you are not aware of.

[@PurplePinkRed]

Wonderful video as always! I feel like our society creates a culture of shame and disbelief around childhood abuse, which prevents children and adults alike from speaking up. I've tried to reach out multiple times to a variety of people over the course of my life (teachers, therapists, other parents, trusted family members, friends etc). Even an adult, I still get the token lines of: "I'm sure your mum loved you", "It can't have been that bad", "You had food in your belly and a roof over your head, right?". I'm often made out to be the crazy one with a lot of gaslighting techniques deployed. Very few people have believed my experiences, and even less know how to truly listen. Most people who've never experienced such trauma at the hands of a trusted person cannot begin to imagine what it's really like. This is why I feel so disconnected from "normal" society, especially when simple topics of family/spending time with family on the weekend are brought up at the water cooler at the workplace. I feel like an outsider when I should feel like an equal. It further plays into the shame dynamic and reminds you that you did not grow up in a normal home. It reopens those wounds and feelings we had as children (knowing something wasn't right, but not being able to put our fingers on it).

[@pelletier4432]

Great post. I think hearing and seeing other people's normal family systems brings the shame to the top as well.

[@PurplePinkRed]

@@pelletier4432 Most definitely! That's also why I struggle with friendships because seeing their healthy family brings me to tears - Happiness for them but sadness for my inner child and that I don't have that connection with mine. It feels like an emotional robbery taking place. Such a strange feeling.

[@druzilla6442]

That makes it so much worse, for people to doubt or deny your childhood experiences. They perpetuate what those who neglected and/or abused us growing up told us, that "we're not grateful for having a family" or "are too sensitive". That makes it even harder to get help and it's easy to give up. At the wake after my father died what was said in the speeches felt like another reality. It sucks when (almost) everyone believes that picture perfect family we portrayed growing up. I hope you have someone you can share with and get validation for what you went through. I know I'm a total random on the internet, but I'm here to listen if you feel like it. Anytime😊

[@PurplePinkRed]

@@druzilla6442 Thank you! I've experienced those token lines too. I think most of us have heard them all at this point. I've pretty much stopped discussing it in depth, but I find videos such as these very helpful and validating. They do help a lot with the inner work. Also, the community surrounding videos like these is always insightful and makes me feel less alone 😊

[@pelletier4432]

@@PurplePinkRed I so get what you're saying!

[@julieking4304]

my monster parents...when they died, nobody at all , no one from any decade... had even one good thing to say. they knew what was going on, but no one saved the children.

[@angelicearth78]

I'm so sorry for that. I hope your soul will find healing and consolation.

[@myosotismalva]

Fact 💯 only hypocrisy

[@susantomkins8798]

Big big HUGE hugs xxx

[@eax2010EA]

#2 could also mean a parent demanding your trust constantly despite its choices being bad the majority of the time. Also imposing a culture or a lifestyle that is incompatible with your development.

[@barnabyssjones]

utterly excellent comment. this was a huge issue between me and my parents. they are, as far as I’m concerned, ass backwards when it comes to just about everything. I could never trust their advice, and ever since I was very young, this was treated as oppositional defiant disorder. so then i’m sent to professionals so they can fix this “problem” that I have when I was just trying to resist things that I knew would be bad for me. I’ve always felt that my parents hate meaning. They only care about aesthetic. Theyre too concrete in the way they think. Too rule oriented without any care for WHY the rules were made and whether or not using them still benefits/works for us.

[@brookiebakerie]

This is so needed right now. I haven't spoken to my mom in over a year because I finally decided I needed a break from the constant manipulation and drama. But the last week I've been so triggered and realized I need to find a therapist to deal with the trauma and CPTSD. My mom was in a car accident a week ago as she was attempting to make a move across several states. Then 2 days later we (my siblings and I) were told by one of my brothers that Mom is in the hospital in the middle of the country many hours away from any of her 10 living children. It's been one revelation after another on our sibling group text that I started because I want the TRUTH to finally be revealed. But there are still siblings keeping her secrets and not telling all they know. Mom is hospitalized for her third episode of Pulmonary Embolism and she took herself off her blood thinners. In new diagnoses, she has heart damage and there's fighting over whether it's heart failure or not, she's diabetic, but that hasn't been shared on the group text. No one wants to take her in because we all know how toxic she is, yet there are still siblings protecting her... It's an absolute crap show. 😫 Why am I sharing all this personal stuff with strangers on the internet? Because I'm no longer keeping the secrets! I'm FINALLY speaking my truth, even if it is to strangers.

[@maryjanerx]

Thanks for sharing! It feels good to tell the truth, doesnt it!

[@brookiebakerie]

@@maryjanerx Thank you. It's AMAZING to finally speak the truth!

[@resurgem]

We won't judge you. Share away...

[@susangrande8142]

It’s usually easier to tell someone not familiar with your situation what’s going on, because they have no preconceptions about it, and thus no investments in contradicting you. Good for you, Brooke Baker! 👍 I hope this situation has healed some more by now, 11 months after this posting. Even though from what you posted here, it’s probably been even more of a sh**show since. People in denial don’t like having the raw, nasty truth shoved into their faces. I wish you luck and healing. 🙏 P.S. many of us who watch Patrick’s channel are or have been in very similar situations.

[@Teenangst16]

I think it is so brave, and inspiring!

[@ebd12345]

Thank you for this. I do a lot of self study and you helped me to understand the concept of "dissociation." "We shut down our emotions and go into our heads as children. " Bingo.

[@completelymindfucked]

Never understood the concept clearly until this video.

[@Derlet30]

He is an outstanding therapist! I'm so grateful for people like him 🙏

[@sws3013]

So that’s what that was…..

[@reececarrington4547]

I always wondered why I didn't feel any joy at occasions that others celebrate. Christmas is always anticlimactic for me, for instance. I want to enjoy it, but I always just get through it and try not to have big expectations for it. I remember not telling my parents when it was time to order high school graduation invitations. I never got a class ring. I didn't attend my own college graduation and used covid as an excuse, though I was really dreading it. This video was validation that this is a normal response to childhood trauma and I can see clearly now that I need to work on learning to acknowledge and celebrate good things in my life. I deserve to feel more than "meh".

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I think that's because (or, in my case it was because) there's always a letdown afterwards. Like, before the abuse got to us as children, maybe we did celebrate our victories and efforts. But then, someone would say something hurtful, or that negated all our effort, making us feel bad / guilty / unworthy of any sort of victory.

[@Dan_Chiron]

I think we all have #4 at a societal level. Maybe we're not directly agressive towards kids, but we definitely have a thing towards adolescents and young adults whom express their emotional struggles and needs. We even call them "Generation Snowflake". That's just disgusting. And also very sad.

[@CC-hx5fz]

#4 shocked me. This really was something I didn't know about myself. I used to runaway from home a lot. At 16, I had a job, my own place, and life was much less chaotic without my parents. I was married with a child at 18. One of the phrases that triggers me is when people talk about "children having children". I'm not very tolerant of teenagers who struggle but I think that must be disgust, or maybe a kind of jealousy. It's like having to admit that I was a child myself, but not the favourite child. There's a lot of pain and shame in admitting that.

[@jediping]

I don’t think this is actually a whole society thing. There is certainly a segment that feels this way, but it is not society-wide. And in my experience it’s often from people who had rough childhoods and look down on anybody who didn’t as soft.

[@rey_nemaattori]

'Generation Snowflake' is NOT about people having mental problems, facing life struggles or whatsoever. Even though you can't see in their heads or know what they've been through, the Snowflake-meme comes from young people not being able to face the slightest pressure, misfortune or setback without seeing it as the end of the world(ie they melt under pressure like snowflakes). Think in the ballpark of breaking down cuz their favorite coffee place ran out of almond milk for their cappuccino's; some thing or event that's completely not really worth the breakdown. Mostly due to them never experiencing hardship, setbacks or boundaries, either because life has been extremely good for them and/or their parents overprotected/spoiled them.

[@kerollaynemoreira7536]

I think as society we absolutely are agressive towards children. It's super common to say "i hate children", "i can't stand children", "i hate when i go to x and there are children". It's the only vulnerable group that it's socially acceptable for people to hate, it's even seen as funny. And i think a lot of that comes from people not being able to stand the idea that children are not going to behave like adults because they have needs they need help managing and that we as society should help them with these needs. It's like "oh I never got any help learning how to be an adult so why should they"

[@crystaledwards9878]

Exactly.

[@vanderdendur4640]

#3: Leonardo di Caprio pointing at the television set meme. God yes I have noticed it since the day of my bachelor graduation but I have no idea how to solve this. I either feel disconnected and meh or nervous like something bad is going to happen, like the universe is going to punish me for being happy even when my mom is not around to do so.. It's not the most disrupting part of my trauma responses but I think it is really one of the most draining things to deal with in the long run.

[@yadongon]

while i don't experience the more extreme forms of it, there's definitely a hint of religious trauma within me,, everytime i wanna talk about my problems my parents answer is that i need christianity in my life and it makes me go mad. there's always a rift between me and my parents, especially as a kid, about going to church. i would refuse to attend service and they'd always be mad, id say i was going to use the bathroom and id stay there and hide because it's just not what i wanted and they'd get so angry. they put their desire for me to be a compliant christian over my feelings of fear and discomfort all the time. hanging out with friends that aren't in the church is near impossible and my mom will set me up with ppl she likes from the church and im at my wits end...

[@PuntedKitten]

It definitely feels like they don't honor and respect your autonomy and just want to copy themselves into you. Sounds very narcissistic. I hope you have friends that respect and care about you.

[@eax2010EA]

It rigs my grinds as well when my parent used to pull up the christianity card while I would bring up problems. Even though I am christian, I recognize what is a spiritual problem and what is an emotional one.

[@KombuchaBuzzed]

Been there. I’ve got christian Asian parents. They don’t know what boundaries mean. It was rough growing up but life got better as I got older. I hope it works out for you too.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@nicolepettit5120]

So there's a story in Acts in the Bible where some of the widows in the church are getting treated unfairly compared to the other widows due to discrimination. The Apostles' solution? Choose some waiters from the oppressed cultural group to make sure everything is fair. It wasn't just to tell everyone they needed Jesus more, or they needed to have more faith. The point is, they might be right that you have problems because you do need Jesus, or maybe they are dismissing you too quickly. Seeking a practical solution to a practical problem doesn't make a person unspiritual.

[@Seajunkie]

Working on these traumas I am unburying a lot of rage… I dont think it is any surprise why I prefer to avoid people. It has been interesting to untangle the web. wow! It’s really not my fault !

[@MsMastress]

Same here. I've realized I have A LOT of anger inside of me and that's largely because of my true feelings being ignored by my family

[@crystaledwards9878]

Yep.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@ssr390]

How did y'all do with that( I men work through this)...cuz I'm lost and don't know where to begin...I ve got more than a decade worth of anger and trauma in me..and it finally starting to become unbearable

[@Seajunkie]

@@ssr390 It is best to get counseling if it is something available to you. If not, trying to educate yourself on the subject and learning the process of release… I’m sorry Im not more help

[@Brp720]

The journey of healing can sometimes be tough, your videos are definitely helping me realize so much. Unpacking trauma can be so hard and there's a lot of tough pills to swallow throughout the journey, but boy does it feel good to free yourself from the trauma.

[@BushidoMauve]

It's felt a lot like untangling wires behind an old Entertainment center or cleaning out a closet. There's a kind of peace that come with the understanding.

[@BookWorm2369]

Keep going 😊

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@seahorse251]

Wow you are the first person to discuss the adult not facilitating family connections! I grew up that way. My mom's family was on the east coast while we lived on the west coast. I never really felt connected to others.

[@Askalott]

I can relate to most of these, but number four made me think about how I used to feel grossed out by little kids when I was younger. Both my brother and I were that way. I now realize it's because seeing little kids reminded me of being a little kid when my parents had no compassion for me. Of course I didn't like kids, my own parents were horrible to me as a child. I had no idea how to talk to them or relate to them because I was so cut off from my own inner child. I'm still learning how to talk to kids and I'm 30. I also fear it's too late for me to have my own, or at least it will be too late by the time I'll be ready. My childhood trauma really delayed my growth as an adult, so I'm getting a late start. It's all very sad and heavy.

[@Bronte866]

Please consider not having children. For me, it was one of the 2 best decisions I ever made.

[@Askalott]

@@Bronte866 That’s a strange and inappropriate request from a total stranger. If I don’t have kids, it definitely won’t be because I’d be a bad mother, and it surely won’t be because of your comment. There are a myriad of other reasons for me not to have children. After all the healing work I’ve done, I’d make an awesome mom, ending the cycle of generational trauma in my family. Very weird and insensitive to make assumptions about me based on a single comment about my younger traumatized self. Running out of time to have children and not having the financial resources to have children causes me immense grief. I wish I had healed earlier so I’d be more prepared. I can make requests too: please consider not projecting your own unresolved trauma onto other women or telling them what to do with their own bodies. This comments section is supposed to be a safe space, and you’ve made it less so.

[@skittlemuffin]

Whenever I watch your videos, I’m like, “Okay, this might be relatable so I might have to brace myself. I think I’m doing fine mentally, I can handle this.” And then always end up crying because they always hit home.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@amysinger2201]

how about how to healthily fight when you've been raised by screamers and dominaters? It is normal to disagree, but I do not know how to be heard AND listen. I am, of course, terrified of conflict because of what I learned about fighting from my family, but disagreements are inevitable in adulthood. Even if it is a healthy disagreement, I cant... I'm too terrified and when I am able to engage, I fall in to defensive anger rather quickly. My T is helping me get better by learning how to stay grounded in heated and uncomfortable topics and the importance of repair after rupture. But outside session, it seems to fall back to either scream and try to dominate or run away/shut down... I know it will get better as I continue my work, but you are so great with examples of what a behavior can look like, where it can come from, and how to address it all while staying compassionate, I'd love to hear your perspective on fear of conflict and healthy disagreeing when activated. Thank you

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@ALT-vz3jn]

I wish he had included this… maybe he talks about it in another video. This is something I find completely crippling in my adult life. I shut down and run away every time, I’m so afraid of confrontation because of the yelling and screaming and how I was always invalidated and made to be ‘wrong’ when I was a kid.

[@NatySpaghetti]

Same here! Its tough! Also, a great topic to discuss

[@12235117657598502586]

@@ALT-vz3jn Some people are loud and screaming either because they’re emotionally immature, attention seekers (egoistic), or it’s a form of controlling behaviour or even the opposite; a form of defensive behaviour (attacking first can be a form of defence)… Or, they’re simply bullies! Either way, it’s negative behaviour. We can either distance ourselves (physically or mentally or both if possible). There’s no point trying to communicate with anyone who’s angrily screaming at us. When they ‘eventually’ calm down, I have found it very helpful to write a note or send a text the next day saying what I wanted to say, but couldn’t because my voice was drowned out by the other person’s screaming and also asking them to let me know their side of the issue, but this time without screaming at me or by written reply. After they have read ‘my side’ of the issue and my written request, they cannot misunderstand or twist my reply and they usually agree to a ‘calmer’ discourse about the issue. When they don’t want to communicate calmly, it makes no difference to me because I’ve made my point in writing and I then do not speak on the matter again and simply refer them to my letter or text whenever they bring the subject up again. BTW: I call people who scream and shout when verbally attacking another person (especially someone who they supposedly value) ‘Energy Vampires’… Because I have noticed that they get ‘more energised’ when they cannot subdue someone else by screaming and shouting and they only calm down when you have completely submitted to their demands or are emotionally destroyed or apologetic to the point of grovelling! If you don’t live with them… Get out or get them out a.s.a.p. Iff you do live with them, then I hope you have enough inner strength and self-belief to hold on long enough until you can get the money to leave their angry arses behind you! WHICHEVER WAY, I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! 🍀🤞🙂

[@nomadicgamer9466]

Conflict shut down is a problem for me, too. I grew up around my parents yelling and fighting all the time - my mum taking me and my half-siblings in the middle of the night back to her house - walking. And yeah - conflict causes me to shut down, either shut down or get angry - though it takes a lot for me to stand my ground and get angry but, when it happens, oh my gosh, it's nightmarish. -_- .. But what my parents displayed growing up is NOT a normal that parents should have. There was no stability - from constantly going back and forth from my dad's apartment to my mum's residence to my grandparents' house. Constantly moving - seemingly in a new school every other year. And that's during my early years. My teen years, my dad became stupidly domineering. -_- I'm trying to figure out what my needs are and how to express that. I need softness and warmth, kindness and compassion - and my gosh, stability - a reassurance that someone's always going to be there. That disagreements can be resolved through talking - not turned into a knock out drag out fight - or a one sided argument where I feel intensely hurt and run away.

[@Lunicia_the_crazy_healer]

When my father committed suicide I was 15 and the pain about it felt like I was going to break. I didn't know how to process it and I had no one to talk about it. My parents were separated and my mother expected me to be done with grieving in 2 days, she would yell at me for crying that much not going to school (I would be exhausted from trying not to cry and show my grief but would cry all night, as silent as possible and would fall asleep when the sun came up). My mother brought a priest home one day and tried to force me to talk about my grief in front of her and him, I completely shut down and he would leave. She would yell at me afterwards for embarrassing her. My whole family would scold me for putting my mother through so much by grieving my father, who I suddenly lost and never knew why. It taught me to push away my feelings even further but I never thought about the fact that it also made me numb for positive feelings, like joy, as well. I can't remember the last time I felt real joy. When my grandmother died, whom I loved deeply and who was the closest person to me in my family, I felt nothing. I didn't even cry. I hated me for it and would call myself broken, even until this day, for not feeling grief. My family got angry at me for not crying at her service. This video made me realize that I'm not broken, I just shut me and my feelings away so deeply, that I never had a chance to show or feel the emotions that came to me. Thank you so much!

[@kontrapunktalna]

Sending you love

[@Lunicia_the_crazy_healer]

@@kontrapunktalna thank you very much!

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

I don't get angry when I see children being nurtured. I feel seperate, unbelonging, sad, and alienated. "That's for other people." I feel pity, and hoplessness, and helplessness, for my inner child. I march ahead and bring her little tattered self along, as best as I can.

[@spacecavy]

Thank you. The extended family issue is something I'm processing right now and I think I'm having more difficulty than I realized. Both of my parents were estranged from their families, but my dad got back into contact with his when I was 18. He then dragged me along as his social buffer/designated driver to awkward meetings with them because "I can't handle my mom sober" and "they treat me better when you're there so you need to come". I barely remember most of these gatherings because I was deeply dissociated and felt like a prop better seen than heard. He also didn't tell me than I have two brothers who he didn't help raise because he didn't want to pay child support. I've never met them because they aren't interested and it's such a mind fuck. I was recently at work and one of my coworker's 14-year-old niece came to visit and hugged him. I was so baffled by this exchange, like I was watching a nature documentary about deep sea creatures.

[@alisongreen7576]

Yes! that "nature documentary" phrase describes it perfectly! I currently have two friends who have small grandsons and they are so excited- sharing videos of the first smile, the first words, the first wobbly steps. I know this is what "normal" grandmothers do but I don't "get it"- all kids learn to walk and talk- my feeling is like "why is this such a big deal to you?" even when I am happy to see them so happy. I am so sorry for you that your father behaved like that when he got in touch with his family- that must have been horrible- no wonder your brothers want to stay away. Maybe don't give up hope- they might feel differently in the future and be willing to engage with you- maybe they just don't see you as separate from your father right now?

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@morganrasmussen5071]

What a good idea! Now I need to find a photo of me as a child

[@stolv3771]

Within this 30 minutes of listening I had at least two major revelations. Thank you!

[@nineangels7572]

Me too. Very thankful to stumble across this one. I could feel a major exhale & relief of stress after watching this.

[@annahunter2192]

Yes lots of light bulbs lighting up!

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@VioletEmerald]

I suddenly feel like i can have some understanding for my peers who "hate kids" and who never want to have kids with such a weird vitriol towards little kids just... Being kids. I have some insight into their own childhoods and their own unresolved issues

[@rehemakaranja5162]

19:10 - #4 really hits home for me. For the longest time I would get angry at people cooking for their children. When I watch lunchbox videos on Instagram or hear about mothers happily cooking for their big family, it would just make me SO ANGRY and I didn't understand why. I got a "hint", so to say, 2 years ago when I was cynically reminiscing to my sister about a middle school friend who's dad packed her lunch everyday. To the friend, I said nothing, but to my sister I was angry and judgmental like "Why can't she make her own lunch! She's 11!" And my sister just calmly responded "some people love their children." Completely throwing me for a loop. Only now (20 years old) I realize that I was/am upset because my parents almost never cooked for me. I cannot remember a single time where either of my parents cooked for me in our current home of 8 years. My mother (the aggressively abusive parent) is sick, but even before that she wouldn't cook, and my father became a work-oholic to avoid her, so he was never home to cook either. Some of my most painful memories of my father would be of him being away from dusk till dawn, only to walk in at 8pm with a hot container of takeout food, give it to my mother, and immediately go to sleep. Everyday I would ask him "did you bring something for us?" (He has 3 children, all 9/10 years old at the time) And he would ignore me or just flat out say no, like he didn't care at all. I would then say to him "Can you please bring me something next time" and he would ignore me. Cycle repeat.

[@almondmilksoda]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[@breakingpointe727]

Being estranged from extended family was a huge part of my childhood and I always felt ostracised by my family for something that was beyond my control (the behaviours of my narcissistic mother). Of course I didn't realise until I became an adult that my mom was the reason behind extended family avoiding interactions with us. It was incredibly isolating and made me feel even more imprisoned in my abuse because I had no example of a healthy family dynamic to compare my own experiences to, or even anyone to confide in. The few stable relationships I did have with my grandmother and uncle eventually came to an end as well which was equally as devastating as I loved them dearly and couldn't understand why they didn't love me anymore. The other point that resonated with me is regarding the role of religion in my own abuse - it was used to coerce, gaslight, manipulate, punish and cause fear. My brief venture into Christianity (which wasn't much of a choice to begin with) was effectively tainted by it's being used as a weapon of destruction against me.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@CrashBandiscoot]

Wowwwww, I never made the connection with the disdain for children. I totally feel that, and when I was in my early 20’s I had a relationship with someone I loved very much but his family was big and loving and mine was not. I hated it so, so much. I was extremely jealous. Needless to say I sabotaged that relationship, even though if I was to marry into that family it would be exactly what I needed 🤷‍♀️

[@vall3ygirl]

if i got hurt "that's the Lord punishing you"... ever since i was a child. my mom would say that in this casual, unemotional, passive aggressive tone like she was talking about the weather. keyword: authoritarian.

[@bobbiedaniel9347]

That's creepy

[@stuttgartpio]

Same with my mom! She stopped tho after I said it to her when she broke her femur

[@thomasdoyle9748]

That is so sad!

[@monikahanus9183]

#3 and #5- Growing up my parents kept telling me that I had no right to feel angry or sad because my parents provided for me. I never felt comfortable in/at joyful events or when good things happened. It was too confusing. When my mom passed I felt an immense amount of relief. I felt joy and didn't care who saw it at the wake. Everyone else was sad and I was so happy and relieved.

[@Danielle-nz9tn]

I am so thankful that you address #2, religious and cult abuse. I feel like that encompasses such a huge set of traumatic factors that often aren’t very much understood or acknowledged by mental health practitioners. Cults are so incredibly abusive, controlling and isolating. It’s very hard to find people who understand cult dynamics, especially bc of the shame & fear involved in associating outside the cult. As a young kid who knew I didn’t belong in the cult, nor even my own family, dissociation was a way of life-the only way to escape.

[@writehandedscribe6247]

Patrick, this really hit home for me. I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and It wasn't until recently that I realized that it is a Cult like organization. As a child I remember being constantly fearful of Armageddon, I was always told that the world was coming to an end....Was forced to go in Field Service and Kingdon Hall and hated that I couldn't celebrate my birthday, Xmas and Holidays. The first time I celebrated birthdays or Xmas was when I had my son at 32 years old and I remember feeling guilty about it even though i was not a JW and had not been one since 18 years of age. I don't even like telling people that i was raised as a one. My mother who is a narcissist and emotionally unavailable has been a JW for 50 years and she has even shunned her own family and grandchildren for falling short within the religion. JW's believe that shunning wrongdoers is an act of love, but shunning is manipulation and emotional abuse, there is nothing loving about it. I had no idea that my childhood high control religion was traumatic for me. Thank you for all the work you do to help others.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@MsArri81]

I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness too. Left at 29. I see you and totally understand what you went through. The thing that makes me so angry was not being given a choice over my own personal life. No, you have to serve the Org or be destroyed at Armageddon. And tbh I still feel kind of weird when people celebrate my birthday and I am 40!

[@sda.s5187]

I was raised from a jehova witness to. Left at 20. And now I really know what kind of a damage left behind. I was misunderstood and as you said manipulated all the time before. And yes it's still feel like weird, because the people in the religion trying to be nice. And have families in the religion that looks perfekt from the outside and it feels like not the religion was the problem it's me. But I absolutly know it was the best choice to left this religion for over a year. Wish you all the best

[@rbrown4454]

hey raised in it also, sending love to everyone here, you're not alone and life does get better I promise! we're out and our lives are ours now!

[@karmaoutlaw]

Number 5 was perfect for what I’m going through right now. I have a horribly abusive, much older sister who was diagnosed with Stage 4 last December 2020. At this point, she is getting ready to transition, and it has been difficult to describe the situation to friends/extended family in a few short sound bites, since it makes me sound so cold/callous - or even summoning the perception of me being unloving to my “family” (that I have not dropped everything to travel the 3,000 miles to spend the rest of her life [days? months? years?] with her). Anyway, thanks again for your nuggets. You’re the best I’ve found so far on KZbin. 🙏🏼

[@ellie698]

She is getting ready to transition? What does that mean? I don't understand 😕

[@jillainenewman1358]

You need to do what's right to take care of yourself. Peace.

[@jillainenewman1358]

@@ellie698 I believe the OP is saying that her sister is close to passing away.

[@taynahibanez9952]

You have no obligation to drop your life to stay with her, specially if you guys have a bad relationship. This decision is only yours. If you wanna forgive her and go there to give support, good, if not, is ok to. For what I understand us not like she is completelly alone abd abandoned.

[@maryjanerx]

@@ellie698 transition to death :(

[@kimtaeyeonismyeverything]

I’m in the middle of a “family” dinner with literally everyone I hate (My sisters excluded❤️) and 3 spoke to me!! I am not excited about weddings, graduation… anything. Because who’ll be there? Those people? No thanks.

[@infinitecurlie]

The first one had hit me like a ton of bricks already lmao. I've always been estranged from extended (and close) family. Sometimes I ask myself why I don't reach out but then at the same time I'm like why don't they do it too if they really wanted to know me. It's weird now that I'm married and my husband has a large family and they are all very close - there's actually 3 generations of his cousins and etc living under one roof and it always blows my mind. (Oh that 3rd one 🤣. My birthday is this week and I'm very 🤷 about it. Other people are like omg what are you doing for your birthday?! I'm like I'ma stay home and play video games lol. 😅) (OOOOOOO that last one! So many people have told me how great my mother was, that she was a good mom, etc. And I thought I was just crazy for thinking otherwise. But my experience with her was WAY different than what my brothers experienced.)

[@alisongreen7576]

Re point 1- your estranged family may be thinking exactly what you are thinking- everybody is scared to make the first move. I would say go for it- just something small and not too personal- maybe a "Happy Halloween" card with some candy and just a short message saying "Holidays make me think of all the family I have lost contact with so I thought I'd reach out"- which doesn't communicate any great expectations. I heard that a cousin of mine I had not been in contact with since we were children had got married so i sent a card with some money to buy themselves a gift, and just congratulated him on his marriage and wished him well. I got a lovely letter back saying that it was a lovely surprise to hear from me and thanking me for the gift and enclosing a couple of wedding photos. It opened a door.

[@saml642]

Number 3 is such a relief for me. On my 27th birthday, my husband planned a trip to Harry Potter world. I grew up with Harry Potter, I'd always wanted to visit the park, it was a "bucket list" item. But I was pretty subdued the weeks leading up to it because I was afraid something would happen and the plans would fall through and I'd feel stupid for being excited. I could tell my husband wanted me to be excited and I also wanted to be, but I just couldn't quite reach it. So glad you talked about it, I've always felt like there was something wrong with me for not feeling joy when something happened that I wanted.

[@llkellenba]

I tried very hard to create bridges and events/gatherings with my siblings and their families. Turns out dominance won out and the Golden Child took over the one yearly reunion I had created bringing her own friends in and shunning me. It’s a pattern. I give up. Everything I’ve tried to do to maintain connections is devalued, made fun of, ignored or weaponized. In my family system it’s a sadistic game of musical chairs.

[@sallymattiaccio7612]

#3- When I was happy as a kid, my mother would shut it right down.

[@hardkore918]

Our abusive father died a few months ago. In #5, you hit the nail on the head for us. The lack of emotional reaction, the strange feeling of relief and safety, all that and more. It was really hard for us to have people come up and talk about how wonderful he was. It was also hard for us to have family members (aunt's, uncles, etc) suddenly reveal that they had known all along what was going on when we were kids. We are at a loss with how to react, learning that they KNEW all along but never helped us or even comforted us at the time.

[@alisongreen7576]

hi Patrick- I wondered if you could "flesh out" number 4- specifically feeling numb or negative when empathy or positive emotion is shown to children. I'm not like a total "grinch"- I don't glare at children being noisy in restaurants and I smile when I walk past a schoolyard or playground and hear children happily playing. If an infant is screaming on a flight I feel sorry for them, not irritated by the noise. But I always refuse the offer of holding a newborn- it just leaves me cold and embarrassed and confused about why other women are literally competing to cuddle the baby. I never had children because I knew I'd be a terrible mother- and I think that was the right decision. Recently I came across this genre of videos that people upload in memory of stillborn children, or children born with terrible medical problems who only survive a few hours or days. There were these objectively "defective" little ones being wholeheartedly celebrated and cherished. It made me really sad and it took me a while to figure out why- I did feel the injustice of them never having a chance at life and being so small and vulnerable but then it hit me- I was born "bouncing" and totally healthy- to be met with resentment and disappointment for being a girl, and in fact for being born at all. There was no welcome or gratitude- my mother told me point blank all my life that she had wanted an abortion and decided when pregnant that her sole aim was to minimise the impact I would have on her life. I am an only child- she expressed great pride and satisfaction at not making the same mistake again. Now I realise that it wasn't personal- she has "issues" and has no idea who I am so it it not a judgement of the actual me, but watching those videos made me realise for the first time what it should be like and what I didn't get, and just how weird that really was. So now I am nearly 53 years old and the single men my age are nearly all fathers- many are grandfathers- and a long term relationship would involve being (married or not) effectively a stepmother and/or step-grandmother and I have no idea how to be those things. I don't feel jealous or anything negative when I see a child being loved and appreciated, validated and valued, I just sort of freeze. I can talk to children and interact with them and must look pretty normal doing that because nobody seems to notice anything, but I find it stressful because I am consciously sort of "acting"- not to cover up bad feelings but to cover up having no feelings. Any suggestions?

[@x-mess]

I'm so sorry Alison. It seems awful not feeling like you're wanted... part of me feels like you're grieving not being wanted whenever you see a child. It's seems hard to understand why your mother would treat you like that. I'm not a professional, but maybe you are trying to figure out how to be a loving or kind adult to chuld because it was never modeled to you?? It would be normal to feel foreign or strange or not know what "to do". One of the things I struggle with is their spontaneity and constant need for play... they are always in the "present". The nice thing is that you don't have to parent anyone.. maybe just be kind and present to that child you're dealing with. It may trigger grief... bc you'll see just how bad things were when u were a child but it sounds like there's a part of you that's ready to deal with it bc you saw #4. Wishing you the best ... and I apologize if I may have misinterpreted anything you said. 🏳

[@coryhart2568]

I think that the man who loves you will want yiu for the relationship with him, and not force you into family social settings. That would be a way he could nurture your soul. Sure you can be there at the drop off of grandkids, or whatever, then excuse yourself to another commitment or activity. It doesn't have to mean you contort to everyrhing around him, your needs arw just as valuable.

[@rilakkuma217]

Not feeling joy when good things happen: This is so specific that it opened my eyes; The same issues are common in other people who have survived childhood abuse and that I am not alone or broken. Graduation from high school and college were recent events when during the fact and now after I didn't feel much pride or joy abou.t.. "just got through it" is so accurate to my own experience with "big life events" No one is truly alone- we are all humans experiencing a lot of common feelings in life.

[@ssmith5127]

My father is around 80 years old. I haven't spoken to him in 27 years. I have to think back to five years old to have a single positive memory of him. About once each year I go online and check the obits for his name. I have zero idea what I will eventually feel when I find it there one day. I don't think it will be sadness. I'd be utterly shocked if I shed a single tear. I'm not sure why I even look. Maybe just to know it's finally truly over.

[@jakemarie828]

I was raised as a JW for the first 8 years of my life. (So I got the cult mentality and the family estrangement all in one, yaay.) Now I'm dealing with an extremely judgemental internal dialog that I can't get rid of. I've managed to quiet it enough to not say cruel things to other people, but it's a constant struggle to not despise myself. Thank you for making these videos. They really help me put 2 and 2 together about my past, and this video in particular I'm going to show to my therapist so she can better understand where I'm coming from.

[@morganrasmussen5071]

I too had a judgmental voice, I asked myself once, "For who's benefit do I berate myself?" Turns out, no one. That's when I could stop.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

Something I used to say, and should probably continue to say when I would start my catastrophic "Everybody hates me and I suck at being a human" is, "What evidence is there to the contrary?" Christianity, too teaches us that we are 'unworthy' but I think a lot of people get that wrong. We don't 'earn' love. It's a gift. You don't have to (God willing!)' work hard or put extra effort into growing another year older as a child...but you get gifts and are celebrated anyway. You didn't 'earn' them! God's love is like that.

[@tammyh931]

#1...I was a bank teller for 10 years, and I have deeper relationships with some of my clients than my step-siblings. I just find myself unable to connect with them on any level deeper than shallow superficial stuff. Cousins and extended family may as well be strangers.

[@abyssmom2692]

I used to be jealous of other kids or anyone getting treated nice. That began when I was a kid however. My parents were so extra nice with cousins and friends. They all always told my siblings and I how lucky we were to have our parents(our parents told us how lucky we were that they didnt abuse us). I finally realized it was hurting me and misplaced. I began to allow myself to hate, which is something I always tried to hold back because of the energy involved. I openly hate my parents now and I am happier and more loving because of it.

[@Krankykrew]

Also when the parent dies, I felt more about what never could be because as much as you knew it could never change you held out hope that just maybe it would. Death secures the truth that it will never be. Both a blessing and a curse.

[@knit1purl1]

My mother isolated my stepfather and us kids from his family. They would have been the only extended family I would have had. In addition to her abuse, she would never know or care what this did to me. Isolation is beyond sick, twisted and cruel.

[@yveqeshy]

Finally someone has explained why I have a have time celebrating my wins, symptom number 3 definitely rings true to me. I have started making an effort to celebrate myself especially by doing small things like taking photos to commemorate things. Lacking spontaneity rings also true to me, I don't like being sprung with new ideas which I havent Considered

[@cindyasters]

I cried more when my cat passed then my abusive father and I feel guilty about that a lot.

[@daniellamoreno3616]

I experienced leaving of a cult and I felt like the worst that I lost all my friends I was an alienated I was left out. I was extremely hurt I basically had to just start all over only one person still reached out to me and actually cared about me. I felt really alone almost as if I was like gaslighted or some sort of other mental trauma. To point of depression, anxiety and sometimes suicidal thoughts. I'm slowly recovered after 2 years made 2 new friends started life basically over new job and etc.

[@inferiorinferno8859]

Number 3, good thing to be Dutch, then. You'd be surprised how much Dutch party culture is actually about allowing everyone to be happy and free, but also rewarding people over the littlest things like presents when you finished your school year, etc. It's not hard to be joyful in good times when your culture is huge on celebrating anything good.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@hereticartist574]

As someone with CPTSD/ADHD, I relate to each & every one of these. I’m only now starting to grasp the magnitude of the impact a narcissistic, abusive mother has had on both my brother and me.

[@ourtravelingzoo3740]

I moved far from my abusers. One being my mother. I’ve cut all ties and already have mourned her. My siblings are mad that I won’t spend a bunch of money to come back when she dies but I will not

[@mayallyourbaconburn]

I also worry about having to talk at my parents funeral. I have no clue what to say. Maybe I can just do a musical number and that could be my contribution…

[@PurplePinkRed]

Me too. I'm hoping I'll be able to decline if asked and be strong in my conviction.

[@susantomkins8798]

No one would like what I had to say about my mother, I'm certain they wouldn't ask me.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@shirleysiegrist552]

My mother demanded we all have a part in my dads service. My brother reprimanded me in front of my granddaughter for choosing not to give a Eulogy for the man who sexually and emotionally abused his baby girl.. I ended up reading a scripture . The sick family still goes on abusing even after this man’s death. I never had a dad. I can only grieve that.

[@hollywright3610]

My family was a cult of silence. Both were abusing me and I could not tell anyone. Today we must not allow children to suffer in fear of abandonment. After 30 years I learned my friends were keeping their secrets they too suffered sexual abuse. Letting the guilty not be punished while their kids keep their evil inside is a life living in the past until just letting go is to free self from the chains of pain.

[@EMYoutube1225]

I'm glad you mentioned children growing up without extended family.

[@raeorion]

I just wanted to say thank you so much for all the work you do on this channel. My partner and I are raising our 3 kids and have a 4th daughter who lives across the country. We both come from abusive families and the journey and struggle of trying not to repeat those patterns while navigating our own relationship has been at times a nightmare and to say the least very lonely. We've been getting therapy (mostly talk therapists) and trying our best to get the help we need to become our best individually, as a couple and as parents. The tools you've made available on this channel are lighter gasoline on that fire. I've been looking for exactly this information for years (without really knowing what I was looking for). Thank you for this channel and this whole community you've created 💕

[@222dr3amgirl]

your videos truly help me, thank you.

[@aderyn7600]

wooooof number 3. I also have OCD about wasting time so i remember being a kid and just breaking down at my dads house at the end of the weekends i had with him because i "Didn't feel happy enough" the whole weekend and had wasted all the time i had with him by not being happy enough. i often don't feel like i'm enjoying something enough and therefore have wasted the opportunity and now have anxiety around events that are supposed to be fun and happy. that's a kind of hard thing to double whammy with just ERP. And i feel like with 4 as well, as much as ERP has saved my life, i think it's made me trust myself less, and therefore have prevented a lot of the ways i can comfort and show empathy towards myself, and exacerbated the frustration i have with other people comforting themselves. ERP taught me to fight my OCD but it was used against me by my parents to prevent me from being able to tell the difference between obsessions and compulsions from preferences and healthy coping mechanisms; or doing the things i need to self regulate or feel comfortable with other people self regulating and comforting themselves and others. I think my disgust about those things honestly stem from envy.

[@AnUnusualVisitor]

You know, it's pretty interesting - I was worried this video would trigger me, because it involves language that has affected me in certain contexts. But you did a very good job using said language as a genuinely validating force, rather than what I was afraid of. I made a comment on the video about gaslighting the self, basically saying that when you have an invisible disability, it can feel like you're being gaslit regarding your whole reality. And I think one of the ways this has affected me is that I have a negative reaction whenever I describe a difficult emotion or a particular kind of experience that I went through... and someone tells me they completely understand (and I can tell, on some level, that they don't), or that it's very normal, or that it's something a lot of people can relate to. Sometimes I think what I really need is not to hear that I'm not alone, but to have acknowledgement of the ways I WAS alone and isolated by my experiences. The unique ways things were difficult for me that they weren't for many of my peers, because what I was going through wasn't okay. Often, when I describe my experiences, I try to keep a neutral tone? Which I think may actually be a mistake - people tend to tone match and assume that I don't need to be told how horrible something was, when actually I have some sort of logic that if I describe it as objectively as possible and they become enraged or sickened or shocked on my behalf, then it's somehow more validating. There could be a number of reasons why it doesn't work out that way. Sometimes I want to see horror and grief about my past in someone else's eyes. Which, all this to say... I guess what I appreciate more than being told my response to something was normal is knowing that what happened to me is NOT normal. I'm not sure if that many people feel the same way, but it wouldn't surprise me. (It's fine if all of this resonates with people's own experiences, I'm not faulting anyone who feels similarly - it's more about unintentional invalidation.)

[@pelletier4432]

Not feeling seen or heard is just as traumatizing in my opinion. There's a lot of people out in the world who can relate, but we might not know who because people don't talk about it. We can change that, especially here.

[@welutha]

Omg I think 'I understand' is one of the most invalidating and infuriating things for me to hear when I am being vulnerable. Many people say it just out of habit, to sound sympathetic, they don't really mean it. We are all different and it is very difficult to understand the particular flavour of pain someone is going through. Sadly, most people are too disconnected from their own pain to even begin to understand the pain of someone else, I know how hard it is for me to truly care and be courious about the experience of others when I'm constantly in survival mode. Your observation about the objective tone is interesting. Most of my life I felt it is my fault I'm not getting the empathy I need because of the way I express myself. Unlike you, I become emotianal and teary when talking about my pain. Guess what, I still get the cold, distancing 'it's normal, all people have it bad' responses. Hopefully, thanks to channels like this, more and more people can heal, tame their demons and as a result become more present to their own suffering and the suffering of others. All of our stories deserve to be heard, with curiousity and an open heart.

[@sriku1000]

A great Watch on How Bad parents are made kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJXag2mpi7eoos0

[@lilyl5492]

I was thinking exactly this "when I describe my experiences, I try to keep a neutral tone? Which I think may actually be a mistake" I do a similar thing with using a neutral tone and careful words to talk about a terrible experience, because for me it feels threatening to be seen as anything other than 'easy to deal with'. There is/was danger in affecting others emotions, because they (family) can't handle it and get angry, and my inner child fears death from that too. But also I really like to experience talking to someone safe who actually notices that things aren't right, that things are a big deal, and who can be soothing and validating. Generally I only trust a well trained therapist to be able to respond to me starting to bawl in a childlike way without freaking out and everything escalating. So I down play stuff usually, say it in an 'expected' 'ordinary person' tone of voice, and that gets a 'yeah, I get it, I'm tired after Xmas too, it'll be alright, ' kinda response which is very unsatisfying. Then if they add "you enjoyed it really, right?" that upside-down-ness is enough to get me to freak out and space out/lose my voice. It's very hard to explain to people how assuming something so 'ordinary' as that is in itself a bad experience. I know the tone is hedging for safety in an uncertain situation (protective habit), but failing to get the (deep need) results because I'm not audibly and visibly flipping out. So I recreate the problem when I make myself invisible and 'unimportant' (deeper fear) even in trying to connect. I don't know if there is some ideal middle ground? where some of the inner intensity is shown but still controlled, a few demure tears maybe... or finding a friend who knows what dissociation looks like... or recording an intense song about it, publishing it anonymously and calling it art? LOL Sorry I don't have much helpful to say, but I'm working on it

[@parrotsontheplateau3488]

Thank you for addressing the religious abuse! It would greatly be appreciated if you could do a more in-depth video on it. I have recently left the denomination I was raised in. Also have gone no contact with some individuals still in it. I know deeply there are horrific issues and abuse going on in that church and that I want no part of it. But even though I know the problems, I recognize them and can put words to them, I still feel like I'm on the brink of hell. I have cut off family, my last contact to that church and it scares me to see that I was that much enmeshed. I want a relationship with Christ that is not forced down my throat, but I'm not used to my spiritual life not being monitored at all times. Actually I'm not used to every aspect of my life not being monitored. Again, your videos are incredibly helpful. I now see with different eyes.

[@governingbodylanguage2025]

#2 hit me hard and I am VERY GRATEFUL for you covering the subject. I was taught worldly people were doomed, the world is wicked, my parents defaulted almost all parenting to the cult (they did sleep train me from the first night home from the hospital, that was them and not the cult), the cult used mind control and authoritarianism, had to go door to door since I was born, starting with being with the adults then on my own, I heard about sex way too often as a little child as there was no "Sunday school" and the cult was obsessed with "immorality", etc. I've known it was a cult for years now and I have finally given up on my partner waking up and am getting self sufficient financially, as my partner will be told to leave me, and probably will. I have many chronic illnesses due to the abuse of the cult, abuse of my parents, and grandparents family secrets due to the cult's purity culture. I found an ex-fundamentalist therapist and they are helping. I love the movie: "Confessions of a Teenage Jesus Jerk" It can be rented on Amazon. Proselytizers will be ignored, unless I get pissed, and then I will Hail Satan. You've been warned preachy people. An analogy: As a person is still stuck with a narcissist and not even out on their own, do you introduce them to a new wonderful partner? Only if you are clueless, and do not know the victim needs to do some healing.

[@apple4914]

I get the hiding though. I have hid the dysfunctional family things even with partners cause it reflects negatively on myself at least I use to feel that way

[@Faronwoodss]

On #4 it’s the reversed for me, whenever I hear a mother talk softly to their child and be really gentle I start to cry because I wish I could remember moments like that

[@tetrahexaeder6312]

I have this huge grief/anger/sadness around seeing children/youth being taken proper care of emotionally and being loved in a healthy way by caretakers, parents, therapists etc. I always felt a little bad about it because I really am glad to see someone being cared for. But it triggers a very big wound inside of me, seeing myself as a young teen screamed at, humiliated or punished instead of validated and cared for. And I am so grateful to hear someone say it loud just like this, so I don't feel alone with this experience.

[@JS-uk4mn]

Whew, I grew up in a cult. It's a middle-aged cult now (founded in the 1830s), but still relies heavily on mind control. I think cults create narcissists. The pressure to be perfect coupled with the ideology of being chosen...🤯 Both my parents are communal narcs. It was very hard to see the abuse clearly because they were held as such wonderful people at church. Mindf*ckery all around.

[@annelewis6236]

LDS cult ?

[@JS-uk4mn]

@@annelewis6236 yes

[@guacgirl]

#2 Would definitely effect children of Jehovah's Witness Organization

[@sweetsirenaine]

Your videos always illuminate some new part of my trauma responses/coping mechanisms, stuff I never would've really connected to trauma. Thank you 🤍

[@pelletier4432]

Totally agree!

[@TBR_LLC]

The part about the religious cults hit home. The part about objecting to children being treated really well and empathized with also at home as well as the self talk.

[@gibby19]

As you asked at the end of your video: I would definitely appreciate more of a deep dive into fundamental religious abuse during childhood. I've never really come across a therapist that really understood the depths of trauma, shame, and self loathing as a result of being told you were flawed at birth and must follow a religious indoctrination to be worthy of anything good.

[@BB-bx4dp]

I do get jealous when I see or hear about others who seem to have grown up in a more loving and supportive family than myself. I never realized this until watching this video.

[@TheWriterOnFire]

WOW number 3. I was born a year after a hugely traumatic incident in my family, and they all tried so hard to hide their grief from me so I could grow up as "normal" as possible. As a result, I never saw adults process grief and trauma in a healthy way, and I don't really allow myself to experience that as well, including feeling joy. Shits crazy!

[@llkellenba]

I’ve seen the fundamental religion functioning up close and personal…Bill Gothard’s Umbrella of Authority was a prime example of intense hierarchy that leaves everyone vulnerable as any reported issues were forced to go through the patriarch…the child raising stuff was hair raising