5 AWFUL things enablers say

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[@observationistdave]

I have found enablers to be far more vicious gaslighters than the actual narcissist. They tell you to be the bigger person so you can continue to be the target.

[@UteNagel]

True!

[@melodysanquist4834]

Enablers will tell you that you ‘must’ be the bigger person because they ‘can’t’. “Can’t you see that?”. It’s your job to be the grown up because you are able too. Even though everyone is in their 30’s and 40’s

[@observationistdave]

@@melodysanquist4834 Being the bigger person does not mean being a perpetual punching bag.

[@twovirginiacats3753]

I WAS an enabler and I told people to run while they still could! Most people got angry with me, but I think they put what I told them in the back of their mind, because they took note of what the Narc was doing to them and yes, they did leave before it was too late. The thing about dealing with a manipulative Narc for a long period of time is that you learn a few tricks from them. Eventually we managed to maneuver him to a remote country property where he finished out his years, with minimal damage to the rest of the family. I always looked at myself as not so much an enabler, but someone who did a public service. LOL

[@francesbernard2445]

I have experienced the same. Once police told me I should be suing one of the enablers who got away after one of his peers got sued by some other people who had been harmed at the time instead. I cannot believe how another one of his peers once blamed me for it all when saying, "How many other people are going to be getting blamed while their career is being ruined because of you" You would think that was enough gaslighting for her to do that day. Nope. She said, "Why didn't you lie in court (for us when your second marriage broke down too for the same reason called domestic violence when he presented my misdiagnosis in court)?

[@_TheIlluminator_]

If there’s anything worse than narcissists, it’s the enablers. They’re the ones who give way for narcissists to continue with their toxic behaviors and will even make excuses for them. It’s like a parent not keeping their misbehaving child in check and letting them do whatever they want.

[@carolmiles7474]

They beat you up ,and say you attacked them,They steal your favourite clothes, just because you cannot prove it, They are to be found a lot in scam jobs not regular work ,Green energy taking money from investors,My one over stayed his visa and then said if I reported him ,I would be fined for harbouring an illegal.

[@cc1k435]

And narcissists are so dependent on them! Imagine if people didn't want so badly for "go along to get along" to actually make everything OK because everyone is quietly accepting abuse. 😢

[@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807]

Enablers extend the abuse to victims. They perpetuate abuse and can be worse for the victim than the narc in some cases. Enablers hand the narc victims back to them when trying to escape. Victims have limited support. Isn't it sad that narcs have control over the minds of so many people?

[@Geronimo2u]

Sadly sone of these are adult children who are stuck in that mode of protection of an older parent who is acting victim like. Not to cut them off but there should be boundaries and to not enable them to

[@dakoderii4221]

@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 Narcissism is how the antichrist will arise. People going along to get along and persecuting anyone who dares to disagree on any one point in the hopes of getting in the good graces with narcs higher up in the pyramid.

[@Jeanne90275]

In a family, enablers are more than happy to let the scapegoat suffer. It makes their own life easier and more manageable.

[@vaska1999]

Exactly.

[@cc1k435]

Sute enough. I realize now that they're also happy to go as far as to try to forget the scapegoat ever existed if it means they don't have to deal with real life. 😢

[@rain-wanders]

Yep, this has 100% been my experience as well.

[@marilynwilson2326]

I agree. It's like the narcissist is the king, and the subjects must bow to them to avoid being banished from the kingdom.🙄

[@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807]

Bingo, and this happens on the job too.

[@p.w.352]

What I hate is when the enablers repeat the gaslighting terms used by the narcissist. The one I hate the most is "You're too sensitive. You take them (the narcissist ) too seriously". And then, they have the gall to defend the narcissist with "They're just really sensitive. You need to be more careful with your words". What?

[@BigPrincessSam]

YES!! Sometimes it’s verbatim! I could always tell when one of my enabling siblings had been talking about me to my narcissistic mother, they would repeat almost exactly what she would say. And then everyone wonders why I record all mg interactions with my family? 🤔

[@lordfreerealestate8302]

Dr. Ramani has done videos on "tribe gaslighting". Gaslighting in groups, or "gaslighting by proxy" is an actual thing. Happened to me, too.

[@td6259]

How about " their just misunderstood "

[@melisherwood5300]

or what about the “Don’t take it personally” comment?

[@nancyrukavena6992]

Don't forget "Just ignore them."

[@melodysanquist4834]

Has anyone else ever noticed that the enablers who tell you to be the bigger person, have NEVER been the bigger person in toxic situations that were caused by someone else’s narcissist?

[@MJ98774]

EXACTLY. They're never on the receiving end of it, you are....and they'll tell you to get over it

[@kfaberdnt]

They're all cowards and don't want to have to deal with the repercussions of you taking the abuse.

[@Smoke_C]

They are the most selfish people you’ll ever meet.

[@joniwhitehead4396]

Jeff Brunson

[@Pensnmusic]

​@@MJ98774if you're the target, they aren't Enablers are cowards happily throwing you under the bus again and again and again

[@leslietascoff9784]

I was six and I told my father that something was really wrong with my mother. (I didn’t know the word ‘evil’, or I would have said she was evil.) My father said to me “Yes, there’s something wrong with your mother, but you need to try harder.” My father was afraid of my mother and he enabled her bad behavior.

[@truthiseverything9511]

Same experience. He told me that nobody can “make” me feel one way or another unless I “let” them. What an awful thing to say to a little child instead of putting his awful wife (my mother) in her place. Where is a child expected to go to get away from her 24/7 abuser?

[@lauragrolla5916]

I think in a way they are evil. My father was evil to me and I was supposed to act like he was all that in public. It was mindbending.

[@janebrown7231]

"Be the bigger person!" "I already am the bigger person. I'm bigger than anybody here. I am the person who is going to call out bullying for what it is. Bullying, gaslighting, baiting... all of the cruelty. I am the strong person here, who does not roll over and give in, like you enablers do. I'm not scared of problems, I tackle them. Stand aside and learn."

[@Ij-bb8mk]

Very well said. Anyone who has the courage to say NO to evil is the bigger person. That is the God truth.

[@gosburn4872]

Love that!

[@chillout1738]

Enablers are just as selfish as the narcs. They only enable because they benefit from your abuse. Don't let them off the hook, abuse by proxy is real and enablers also need to be held accountable.

[@Ines_949]

hmm. please explain how do they benefit from my abuse? I always thought that my enabler wanted to protect me from even bigger disputes and conflicts

[@chillout1738]

@@Ines_949 they enable abusers because it helps them in some way. There isn't a point of them to be enabling abusive behavior if it didn't serve them in some way. Even if it is simply them not wanting the abuser to start targeting them. Or you are the scapegoat so if you aren't in the picture the enablers know they could become the new scapegoat. Idk how someone could enable abusers to try and protect someone from being abused.

[@Ines_949]

The really sad thing is that as the scapegoat in the family, you only have enablers around you... nobody really defends you. Neither Dad nor siblings, they might pacify the NPD mother at most, but they never defend me. All of them are just enablers.

[@melodysanquist4834]

I totally agree!

[@OriolesPhillies]

My ex had enablers - his best friend and his wife. His best friend would defend my ex no matter what. But then, my ex was very skillful at hiding what he does to his partner behind closed doors and at impression management, so there is a chance that his best friend just didn't know who he really was. His best friend pretty much silenced his wife when she didn't feel comfortable with my ex. Now when I reached out to her for help when I realized that I had been abused by him, she would only tell me that she had to stay out of anything with my ex because that would cause issues in her marriage. She apologized to me that she couldn't be helpful and I respected it but boy did I feel alone... I don't know if either his best friend or his wife benefited from the abuse I went through, but there was a strange dynamic, for sure, where honesty wasn't really honored and something seemed driven by fear.

[@jayerwin1025]

I was counseling with a minister. I repeated the correction I kept receiving from others. "Turn the other cheek." His reply. "Yes, but we were not told to keep turning the same cheek. When you run out of cheeks, stop turning them. "

[@jayerwin1025]

Enablers are rescuing themselves from the discomfort of the mental manipulators' behaviors if you have a boundary.

[@Formoneyclicksandviews]

Turn the other cheek is about petty insults. Not abuse or repeated attacks.

[@bethkephart8900]

Great comment thanks for sharing ❤

[@Simon-pl2zi]

This is a common misunderstanding of Matt 5:39. To 'turn the other cheek' is not to be interpreted as an invitation to be struck again, it literally means 'another face' or in other words to look at the situation with a different point of view, (which is what you get when you turn the head from say, left to right). This is true wisdom.

[@sallak6483]

As I Understood it, turning the other cheek is literally an insult to the one that struck. Its like saying "harder, daddy" when someone thinks they are hurting you. It makes them feel dirty and powerless and shifts the limelight from you being hit to the attacker being ridiculous and showing their weakness. I like that interpretation most.

[@felineoverlordservant2419]

“Your feelings aren’t the only ones that matter. It’s not all about you” is what my step dad would say to me during every silent treatment my NPD mom would give me. His purpose was to gaslight me into “making things right” with her by knocking on her door, apologizing, validating her feelings and being her therapist until she felt better. It was especially heartbreaking because this all happened AFTER one of her abuse cycles where she would criticize and shame me, then villainize me for feeling hurt by her mean comments. So not only did i do nothing wrong, I was the victim of her abuse but had to accept the blame for everything while fixing her feelings at the same time, all so she wouldn’t have to be responsible for her bad actions and admit she was wrong. I was really young when this started too. Probably 5 or 6. I was born with a level of emotional intelligence that my mom still is nowhere close to.

[@bellaluce7088]

@felineoverlordservant2419 That's awful! 😟 In case you haven't seen it yet, you might like therapist Patrick Teahan's channel. I love that he and Dr. Ramani tell it like it is and share their own experiences with these toxic people (Patrick had a narc father and an alcoholic mother who used him as her therapist as a kid). Healers who are also survivors seem to get it in a way others don't! Good wishes to you. : - ) ❤

[@janebrown7231]

​@@bellaluce7088Patrick is so helpful. 👍

[@lauragrolla5916]

Wow. This totally happened to me, too. I was her therapist and had to pick up all the emotional pieces while not being allowed to have any emotions myself. I was called selfish if I needed anything or was even a little sad. And the long eviscerating rants and yelling were just “normal.” Thank you for sharing. So helpful to read. Well described.

[@kdphotos4691]

@@lauragrolla5916 - My mother's favourite phrase was "I don't know what to tell you" as she looked at me with contempt. When I finally got away and went no contact, she tried to phone me and I told her, "any time I needed to be comforted or feel loved, you would look at me like you hated me then say 'I don't know what to tell you.'" A few seconds later, I mentioned that I was ill and that I really needed to know some of my childhood medical history because the doctor needed to know. She replied, "I don't know what to tell you." I sort of half-laughed in defeat, and you could actually HEAR through the phone her realisation that I was right. I told her to get help and even recommended a book to help her that her own doctor told her, "that's a very good book." Less than a year later, she was back to being mean, constantly complaining, gaslighting me, and even went so far as to scream at me, "I don't want to read your bullsh*t books!" I went no contact and my sister (enabler) who I also cut ties with later, told me that my mother was telling everyone how her daughter (me) "hates" her. She was playing victim and always has done. It was the textbook family dynamics. Mother - narcissist Brother - golden child sister - enabler me - truth teller and scapegoat

[@clairesomero]

I used to be an enabler. It was devastating when I realized. I was also a flying monkey and a huge supply for the toxic people in my past. NO MORE! thank you Dr Ramani❤

[@mb3608]

Me too (also thanks for your honesty). I believe most people were at some point of their life and it might happen again even if you know about it. But working on the strengh to stop enabling is one of my greatest goals too.

[@createallow3126]

I"m glad you freed yourself of that trap. Well done!!

[@beachjeanne2966]

Married for 30 years to a narc. I always felt the need to cover for his rudeness and raging by saying things to our kids like "dad just had a bad day at work. He doesn't mean it." I covered for him in our business when he was rude and mean to employees when they came to me crying. When he cheated on me I even tried to keep it quiet and not let anyone know. When our children cried from his behavior the standard from him was "don't be so sensitive!! You are too emotional. Get a backbone." What a jerk. I can't believe I lasted 30 years.

[@adamslosar5574]

23 for me. ugh

[@judykinuthia3181]

You got out and are thriving and that is most important!

[@suzyhomeacre]

I did the same thing with family. I had to get away from them & get into intensive therapy. They still continue to try to reel me back in. I’m learning more & more & can recognize the signs now. They are always the same.. For me, near them slowly kills me. I can’t be me. I had to go NC. I had to forgive myself. That’s taken years. It’s taken years for my adult child to finally begin to trust me. That I wouldn’t let it happen anymore, regarding anyone. I had no idea what narcissism was or that it would never change. I was jumping through hoops, expecting a child to so as well. That’s a lot of damage.. It takes years of work to begin to deprogram from this stuff. It has for me/us. I hope you and your kids can heal and find a real peace & happiness together for the future. I am so glad you got out!☮️

[@jokendrick2124]

Better now than never. Mine died after 30 years but I had had the luxury of going on road trips to get away.

[@butterf1ykiss3s24]

Wow 30 yrs 😢

[@judykinuthia3181]

I disengaged completely. I had to let go of people I had known for over 20 years after my divorce! It was hard and I got intensive therapy to deal with it but I am recovering well. I now have very strong boundaries and I love that I don't drink anymore since I realized that I was drinking so I could keep hanging out with my narcissistic ex and his flying monkeys!! Thank you Dr. Ramani for your talks saved me!

[@mauraconlon1365]

Bingo!

[@mothersruin9058]

Good for you and all the best.

[@lauragrolla5916]

I stopped drinking when I ended a toxic boss/friendship who was a narc. She was so confusing but I no longer needed to drink! Funny.

[@lindaphillips5194]

So happy for you that you were able to break away from the madness you were living for so many years. You are also to be commended for breaking the drinking cycle that could have continued and taken you out completely. Much love and happiness to you wise one! 🌻

[@agatakjoy]

In my family of origin, the 'let's just humor them' phrase was expressed differently: "It is very rude to interrupt someone (ie dad), it's a lack of respect". Politeness was weaponized. Father did not formally interrupt either "because it is disrespectful" but he had no problem switching off while you spoke, and when you finished and expected a reaction (even as a little child, simply hoping for some comforting) he would leave the room. But when he spoke, he took his time, and you had to suffer until the end of his shitshow.

[@bigred4379]

Yup!

[@myobmyob2215]

If anyone wants you to humor someone indefinitely and they arent ill RUN

[@wiebkeb9174]

Totally get that! I was told I have to look my so called father in the eye and listen to him until he had finished. It was like emotional rape!

[@awkward1037]

They definitely can help themselves. If your're around one of these people long enough, you will see them turn their narcissism on and off depending on who their taunting, targeting and triangulating. It's one of the creepiest things to watch. and yes the enablers are the blade of the knife the narc uses to slash away at you. Narcs cant get away with what they do without the enablers.

[@mday3821]

I would give you a hundred likes because I have seen what you are speaking about...if only others would see it!👍👏

[@curryking1]

this is so true "they can turn it on and off depending who they are around" it's the most true thing of all, i learned it the most in my family with one family member, and other family just excused it, so i stopped even bothering, but the worst was experiencing it in a personal relationship, because you can see someone who is supposed to care about you choose not to on a regular basis

[@sciurid9159]

Absolutely. A lot of these guys magically become masters of charm and self control around their bosses, police, judges, or people they need to impress to gain access to $$.

[@TK-cg4ks]

YES, THIS!! They can instantly spot people who will not accept their narcissistic abuse and will act accordingly.

[@mothersruin9058]

True!

[@pauladouglass6910]

Being the bigger person literally made me the bigger person. I gained over 100 lbs. It's taken years to lose him and the weight. Still not all the way there. Yet😊

[@lianacollier7064]

It also made you the funny person 😉👌🏼 Hope you make your way back to health & wholeness ❤️

[@bigred4379]

I can relate to this 100%. You know what? The weight isn’t permanent . We can lose it, if we want to. Thank god we can lose the narc , also. The narc? Can never change , whether they THINK they want to, or not.😉 Somehow, that gives me a little pleasure !🤣🤣🤣

[@redlikewineagain697]

@@lianacollier7064 you're right. I actually laughed out loud reading that. Probably not meant to be funny but it truly was.

[@janetamplin7318]

​@@lianacollier7064....ehy are you focusing on Your weight....you have losted. A huge amount. Of weigh....your partner. Ok.....let. life. Just happen now. Mentally fit...well to health

[@donnas.1576]

The sister-in-law thought I was the toxic one when I reacted to her statement, "if you truly love him, you would be happy that he has found someone special enough for a long term relationship". What a cruel thing to say to someone married for 35 years to a serial cheater. I'm done with all of them.

[@redlikewineagain697]

Wtf?! Am I reading this correctly? Are you saying your ex husband or current husband was cheating on you and you were told not to be upset but to be happy they found someone with whom to be in a long-term relationship? I am assuming this is an ex who is with someone else and you're supposed to be happy for him? That's some effed up stuff!

[@donnas.1576]

@redlikewineagain697 you got it right. She then turned it on me that I'm all about blame because I got so angry. But this was also the logic of the ex..he said he left me because I turned hostile. It defies logic and is crazy making.

[@sciurid9159]

Wooooow. ...I think I'd rather live with a literal wild bull 🐂 in my house than live with ppl like that.

[@Onegreentruck]

Omg

[@kdphotos4691]

That was his sister? Sounds like the whole family was toxic. I wouldn't be surprised if she knew about all of his cheating and probably thought it was funny.

[@nanabear2.026]

Why is it worse?? Because people used to get the shit beat out of them for acting this way…now THEY are the victims and are being protected.

[@Jae-by3hf]

Enablers are worse than narcs! There are no narcs without their supply/enablers!

[@stupensardi2783]

Narcs are pathetic really.

[@bereal6590]

Many enablers are narcs themselves imo

[@Lexis001]

@@bereal6590 Exactly. I am having to deal with one enabler at the moment and it is exhausting.

[@Jae-by3hf]

@@bereal6590 agreed 👍🏽

[@bereal6590]

@@Jae-by3hf 👍✌️

[@TheErbs]

I got so sick of people telling me to be the bigger person. So I just stopped dealing with such small people. My cut off game is like no other. I would rather be alone than feel alone.

[@tuoctran43]

My cut off game is unmatched after a narcissist as well. I will block and delete people with no words or indication simply based off of the way they treat and see me. If they are envious, gone, enablers, gone, flying monkeys, who? I can’t deal with these kids. I’m 25 and I feel 45. I’m tired.

[@td6259]

Me too

[@gracecase998]

Preach it. Not engaging is the best and the cut off game drives them all nuts

[@arenee118]

🎯💯

[@mobwatch8119]

Hours of belittling and threatening. Sometimes days. Loud music at night, to keep people from sleeping on purpose. "He's just winding you up", shrugged the enabler, who didn't have to live with him.

[@christinegettle4788]

I was CONSTANTLY told my entire life to be 'the bigger person'; and 'that's just the way they are'; and 'it's not always about you'; and 'don't say anything about it'; and 'just be happy'; ALL of it. The most difficult thing to do is to just walk away from them without them realizing what their words/actions are doing, not just to me, but to everyone they encounter. I've tried to call them out, but, of course, I am 'too sensitive' or 'a know it all' or the one I get the most 'you're so condescending'.

[@curryking1]

i have been told this my whole life too, i dont have very much to show for it, i learned a lot, but eventually i got the blame for relationships diminishing, yet the ones who always acted insensitive never got the blame for being "the way they are", it's hard when people identify us as the empaths who care about everyone, but it is what it is, in the end its better to detach and look for more positive relationships, i hope i find better ones too

[@steggopotamus]

"if they can't help themselves they need to be in a psych ward" "Since that's your philosophy you can hang out with them instead " "I'm a much more productive member of society when I don't talk to them, and I don't consent to being their minder" And when they minimize that. "Thanks for telling me you don't believe my limitations, and don't think my life goals are worth pursuing."

[@SenSakura-dj6bq]

"it's not always about you" is so crazy, normally used when it totally is about you.

[@eurokay4755]

​@SenSakura-dj6bq So true, but do you ever observe the narcissist and/or enabler contort a situation that actually had nothing at all to do with them into something completely about them? It's so mind-bending!

[@StarfleetUnderground]

5 Awful Things Enablers Say 00:30 - "They can't help their behavior" 08:26 - "Be the bigger person" 21:58 - "They are just being honest" 29:53 - "Just humor them" 35:10 - Different ways enablers shame you for being discerning

[@robbrewer2036]

Their just a bit different. ""Bit different alright".

[@jennygrim2057]

Thank you ❤

[@diannetimpson6885]

Exact quote from my enabling father: " Knew what they ( malignant N mother and malignant GC son) were doing to you. I knew it for a looong, looong time. But I couldn't do anything about it because I had to watch out for myself. You understand, Right?" Coward! He knew!

[@bigred4379]

UGH! ❤

[@eurokay4755]

"What is your point, Dad?" Asking my nutty, enabling Mom this simple question, or, "Why would you ask me that?" completely stumps her, because she's so used to people being so uncomfortable with my brother's bullying that they accept meaningless gibberish excuses like that just to move on. If she's put in the position of actually discussing his unacceptable conduct, she folds like a cheap tent.

[@mrscrofford]

“You attract what you are” is a classic 😂

[@dakoderii4221]

Pull out a magnet and ask them why the two north poles aren't attracted to each other. Instant RAAAAAGE!

[@Formoneyclicksandviews]

Sometimes that's true though. Broken people usually attract other broken people. Healthy people usually don't want drama or mess around them.

[@mrscrofford]

@@Formoneyclicksandviews yes I agree, sometimes is is true to a degree.

[@parisbunny3783]

@@Formoneyclicksandviews nah there are predators out there. They like to prey on healthy people bc they either A. Jealous or B. They think they can heal them.

[@Saraflowerk]

Good gawd I never trust people who say that. 😂

[@edunlap6594]

"Be the bigger person" and "You teach people how to treat you" are statements by people who have never assessed their inner evil! I have had people tell me this. The added thing for me is that it's fellow women, or worse, religious/spiritual folks who have said that to me.

[@suzyhomeacre]

It’s always the “religious folks” lately it seems.. I don’t even go to church & I seem to have higher morals than the ones I see & hear doing these things. It’s beginning to make me sick, yet I find them funny as well, as I move on, get away & find my own peaceful happy & whole life. It’s hypocrisy & sick. Let them stay stuck!

[@cc1k435]

The words of people who have none of the right real life experience to be able to advise on real life. 🙄

[@kiki19822]

These days we seem to be living the handmaiden's tale. Call out these flying monkeys before women are blown back to the 16th century.

[@MJ98774]

Since the bigger person is always the doormat I always call out the hypocrisy of how its impossible to be both

[@melisherwood5300]

I heard Dr.Phil use that line. Nothing like blaming the victim. I always felt so worthless when I read or heard him say that.

[@suzyhomeacre]

In my experience, I know for a fact that if you ask the person “to stop their poor behavior” you’re going to get attacked! Smeared. Misery. Public Taunting. Bullying. Just Awfulness… If it’s family, just get away. If it’s at work, I feel for you & I hope you have really good support. This stuff is toxic for us. I hope one day we all have the tools to live our best lives away from this & in peace. ☮️

[@Tam974eva]

Narcissists are one thing--their toxicity is easily predictable once you've identified them. Enablers on the other hand are trickier--they act like the neutral third parties/good guys, thus allowing the narcissist to thrive. Narcissists are harder to defeat around enablers.

[@kfaberdnt]

After walking away from my toxic mom, I cut out my enabling dad and my brothers. My Aunt (Dad's sister) would call me occasionally out of "concern," but I always felt like she was just trying to keep tabs on me. Every call would involve an update on the latest news with my parents, even when I told her I wasn't interested. Then she would shame me for going NC. Truthfully, I think my parents had started looking to her for help with things most adults should be able to do for themselves, and she wasn't comfortable saying "no" to them. One day, she called and asked if I would attend a family reunion, because "family's family." My dad had asked her to talk to me, but she told him it was "not her place," yet she proceeded trying to shame me when I said "no." I told her I don't need defend my decisions to her. She backed down like a coward, pretending that wasn't her intention. The next day she and my uncles all blocked me on Facebook. My life has been SO much better since.

[@LJ0409]

Covert narcissist brother was always cruel growing up. Not just passive aggressive comments and other snide, cruel judgements, but physical abuse. Our mom would say that we're siblings and that I need to get over it and stop being so angry toward him. It doesn't matter now, we're both adults and I need to put the past behind me and move on. Being stabbed with a pencil, choked, slapped down a flight of stairs, etc. is all in the past. He's different now. (He's not.) If I just tried harder to get along with him, I wouldn't upset him so much in the first place and he wouldn't have done any of those sorts of things

[@curryking1]

i had the same experience, it never improves, and parents just expect the more mature one to always compensate, it's too much, mine never changed either, and i feel better having less and less contact as the years go by

[@eurokay4755]

I have almost exactly the same experience. When my brother's marriage failed and he had custody of his daughter, things seemed to really improve and I believed he had changed. Now, I know that I, as a female, just became a useful appliance that he (and Mom, it turns out) could use to create the image of a superior family setting to the ex-wife. Things snapped back pretty quickly once my niece left for college. Interestingly, she went as far away as possible from both her parents, and stayed there! They have very, very strong game, and they're helped by your craving for that strong family bond. Grieve it, because it never existed. They've told you who they are, and they'll try to tell you who you are in that context. Leave them to their context - you cannot change it. But you are always in control of your context, your experience, your feelings, and your response. If you must be with or converse with them, accept that they are not interested, truly, in anything but goading and/or exploiting you. Do not argue about it or try to explain it to them. Just become indifferent. They need someone to host Thanksgiving? You've already volunteered at the soup kitchen that day. They want you to come to theirs? Same answer. They're droning on about their "idiot" boss/neighbor/friend/in-law? "Oh my, look at the time. I need to go let the dog out/relieve the sitter/mow the lawn." Once they figure out you're no longer taking the bait by reacting or joining in, they'll go through withdrawal and try to "make you" feel guilt or shame. You get to decide those aren't appropriate for you because you aren't doing anything immoral or illegal; they're just unhappy their appliance broke. I find it useful to simply not pick up what they're putting down: "Does my schedule/decision bother you, Mom?" "Well, yes it does, and I think you know that." "Well, it doesn't bother me." No fun for Mom because Mom's opinion isn't my business any more. She has to deal with it on her own.

[@arenee118]

When I was 7, my narcissist sister (9) tried to suffocate me by holding my face against her bare chest. The harder I fought, the tighter she held my face to her chest. I did what I had to do to survive. I bit off the tip of her right nipple. Of course I got a beating for doing that. She got away with trying to suffocate me (kind of).

[@Rut-vi7iz]

I find in my own life, these reactions from other people came in the form of "why" questions, which were impossible for me to answer to their satisfaction. Enablers often will come at you in the guise of being "understanding " but then will subtly discount your every response. I find the less I explain to people outside of my support circle (and existing friends often can't be that) the better. I only discuss narcissists with professionals or others with first hand knowledge of how it goes. No one else is qualified to hear me out.❤

[@GoddessViQtoria]

I'm in a situation where someone always makes me the butt of the joke. I've stood up for myself recently. "Be the Bigger person, try to see it from their POV" It's horrible. I have to behave, they don't have to.

[@PaigeSquared]

The enablers are what boost the narcissist's power. They wouldn't make their threats if they didn't have a brainwashed posse backing them up, creating an echo chamber of BS. They wouldn't dare, usually don't have the grandiosity without the supply. My ex MIL broke my heart when she made her choice. I had thought she would remain a safe person in my life, for the sake of her toddler grandson. I did not expect her to defend her son's undeniable abuse (I expected it for the emotional abuse) and I wasn't ready for it when that blow hit. It was like my stomach dropped a foot. When I was terrified, she couldn't face that her son was the cause, so she chose to laugh at me. She claimed I was acting, lying, and not genuinely afraid. She pressured me to walk up to her son, while I was literally shaking like a petrified rabbit. I had called her for support multiple times in the past month and especially the past week; she had told me she was planning an intervention. She didn't act fast enough to stop him before he moved to physical violence. I wondered if that was a lie and it was never planned, to keep me in his control for longer. I said if she didn't do something, I would have to. She got upset I was forced to protect myself, which is ridiculous, and an absolute betrayal. I had really loved her, I didn't have a close relationship with my mom. That's when I realized what he had done, the full extent he had twisted the situation to outsiders. If she could believe that, he had to have given her some sort of countering information, for her to be in such severe denial to not recognize my clear physiological terror.

[@PaigeSquared]

Oh, yeah, I am told I should be the bigger person. Why in the world would I want the people to be held legally responsible for their behaviors? Um so the world is a better place? So if they get another girl to fall for the lie, there will be a record in place, so she has a CHANCE of getting out before it gets bad. Maybe so women aren't so afraid of being killed when they turn a guy down for a date?? Nah. The true bigger person is not taking it personally. If the person were a stranger, would you call the cops? I didn't realize how I was protecting my ex husband from his own consequences, by not reporting my experience. I was told I was being an aggressor, I was taking action against him somehow. But that was my experience, he is the one that performed the actions. Not me. If he didn't want me to share it, he would've left me out of it!!

[@eurokay4755]

Your ex came from her household. She's spent his whole life convincing the "outside world" that her little 💩 was actually a diamond in rough. Many who never experienced his abuse will have seen her as an amazing, devoted mother. Others who realized what he is but not her role in creating and protecting his pathology will have seen her a martyr. Either way, they use each other to get their strokes from outsiders. All they need is a Charlie Brown to keep trying to kick that football so they can laugh, blame, and/or direct everyone's attention away from their atrocious conduct and onto the poor sod that fell for the ruse (again). It's a great game for them until you absolutely intentionally stop showing up for it.

[@peacelove7706]

GIRL, GET OUT NOW! If it went physical, it will only escalate from there…. Keep a GO BAG hidden somewhere (the trunk of your car, garage, a trusted neighbor etc)… have enough clothes , necessities for 3-5 days, as much cash as you can stash away). So if it gets REALLY bad one day, and you need to literally RUN, your prepared, meanwhile call an attorney, get your ducks in a row and leave him and his enablers in the dust.

[@PaigeSquared]

@@peacelove7706 there's a PFA in place

[@Ij-bb8mk]

Pls what is PFA? You have 2 people working to destroy you and you think staying put in the marriage with any restraining order etc will do? Let me warn you that there is no powerful ally in crime than a son and mother enabler. She has deceived you into thinking she is a safe person because she has to get a wife to stay put and make her son look picture perfect. You may have been picked as a good choice because you don't have a mother and will be vulnerable enough to accept any semblance of one, even an insincere one. As someone said in the feed, she schooled him and you are not going to spoil the very spotless, picture perfect image of a happy home they have curated by your raising dust about abuse. They will do you in if you stay in the marriage.

[@mobwatch8119]

I've dealt with enablers who were really sympathetic to my face, provided I didn't try to get outside help. That was the ultimate sin.

[@ghostfella]

Or when they suggest you should pity them instead of feeling righteous indignation towards them... Its like they lack the will to stand up to narcs themselves so they resent when someone else has the strength to do it.

[@francesbernard2445]

To be honest sometimes responding with righteous indignation is not enough to survive an emergency.

[@xefirah8753]

The Central Narcissistic Person has a full court: Jesters, Clowns, Magicians, Knights and so on. It’s almost Machiavellian ❤❤❤❤❤😊

[@dauchebates]

I’ve had an enabler vent to me about the narcissist, apologize to me for falling into enabling them & villainizing me, then go ghost & pair back up with the narcissist because they’re so reliant on them (co-dependent), which is not new. The narcissist has them in bondage, & it’s sad, but, now I’m officially done extending a hand. Hearing “be the bigger person” or “can’t we just all get along” shifted so many relationships for me. People just say anything & no matter how much you share your experience, it’ll be minimized because people would rather live in a false reality that serves them. It’s exhausting.

[@jokendrick2124]

I have always tried to "take the high road" or "be the bigger person". But I will not be a martyr. And nothing is worse than someone making excuses for a narcissist's behavior. You eventually get to a point where you really just have to walk away.

[@twovirginiacats3753]

Yep. Boundaries.

[@elisabethhughes6005]

You were already the bigger person, by living with decency and respect. Be proud.

[@louisemorgan3237]

No they b the martyrs U b the punchbag

[@yourekiddingright]

I hear you. My elderly mother is the enabler of my narcissistic sister. It's very hurtful as I am a target of my sister, and my mother minimizes, normalizes or 'doesn't remember' the behavior. I am no contact with my sister but unfortunately she lives with my mother much of the time which creates challenges as she has control in the home when she is in residence. I cannot visit my mother when she's there as she will abuse me on sight. My mother will state 'that's just the way it is'. There's been many many years of enabling by my mother, which has helped create the monster! I cannot cut off my mother, I care about her, and would be worried about her if my sister had free reign if I wasn't around. My mother has never spoken to any other family or friends about my sister. She holds onto the facade of a 'nice' family. It's all very messy and hurtful. I wonder who I would be without this toxic situation. I try to practice radical acceptance....that's a work in progress! Positive thoughts to all you good people 😊

[@louisemorgan3237]

@@yourekiddingright yeah if l got any bigger I'd stretch twice round the fucking universe with plenty of room to spare

[@jokendrick2124]

I'm laughing to myself. I've always called myself the queen of second chances. But after my narcissistic husband died I vowed to rid my life of all "difficult people". I was so very tired of navigating all the difficult people. I have almost done so. After our mother dies I will be able to completely sever ties and am prepared to do so. My life my choice now. (Mom is 97)

[@redlikewineagain697]

You know what? There are no second chances with me. If someone fcks up and screws me over, they don't get another chance to do it again. Maybe they'll learn their lesson and not screw over another person. I'm sorry you're going through this. So very difficult.

[@margaretgreason1785]

I wouldn't allow my outrageous cousin in my wedding because she always stole attention in family gatherings. I was scolded for not letting her in. I told them no! It's MY day, and she wasn't getting MY attention!

[@kfaberdnt]

Ugh gross. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries!

[@myobmyob2215]

Wouldnt let psycho sibling to a major life event after ruining every other life events so she held the folks hostage so I was alone for that. Also same is Currently planning a party to dance on the folks recent deaths. Every time I'm slandered yelled at and whoever is around buys her mental gymnastics stories. ?? Really? Where are all these zombies coming from? Let's go watch and help some family abuse. woo! ???????????????????????

[@user-ez9xu2wb3m]

Enablers are narcissists, too. They defend other narcissists because enablers do the same thing. When a relative called me a liar, my in-law defended him by saying, "Everyone has foibles including YOU." This was another way of saying, "No one is perfect and neither are YOU." The in-law told me to forgive. Nothing I said convinced this in-law otherwise. This in-law relentlessly defended my relative. I've decided to establish boundaries with the in-law in addition to the relative. You can't teach stupid people how to be intelligent. 😠

[@JK-te9sr]

Oh, I grew up with that almost on the daily. I had three older brothers that teased, shoved me around, made fun of me, stole from me as I got older...and one was 8 years older, one 6 years older, one 2 years older. Being a younger girl I had no way to defend myself and all I ever got was "you be the bigger person"...

[@PaigeSquared]

Were you punished for any loud expressions of emotions? Sounds about right. 😢

[@juliebraden4865]

Similar to my childhood. 🥺💔

[@pcanon3189]

Same here. Three older brothers 7, 6 and 4 yrs older. I got “He wouldn’t tease (belittle) you if he didn’t like you”. No, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me. Or, “He’s only doing it to get a rise out of you. If you don’t react he won’t do it.” Actually, I guess that was true, gray rock before gray rock was cool - but pretty tough ask of a small child. Definitely got the message that I was on my own. That set the stage for all future relationships - basically turn the other cheek and be the bigger person, your needs don’t matter.

[@eurokay4755]

​@pcanon3189 I grew up in the exact same circumstances: older brother always has been a malignant bully to me, and Mom always said (and still does), "you should know that's just how he is." My way of dealing with it is hard gray rock for them both: if I can completely avoid him, I do. If I can't, I contribute nothing at all to any conversation he's part of and leave as soon as possible under any excuse at all. I will never again be in a situation where they are together, either, including a "discussion" of any issue. It's a guaranteed triangulation and any invitation, no matter how attractive or dramatic, to join in a gathering or discussion with the 2 of them is nothing more than bait; one or both of them needs the emotional "hit" they get from luring me into a situation where I'm the wrong/ selfish/overly sensitive, etc. person. I've learned to just say "oh" and "hmmm" and (at most) "I haven't thought about that" to anything they say until I can exit. It's so very strange to realize how unnerving it is for them when they cannot "make you" laugh, cry, smile or argue because you just don't care what they think. No matter how polite and reasonable my non-reaction, they later explain how "angry" or "condescending" I was. Projection much? You bet!

[@JK-te9sr]

​@@pcanon3189exactly❤❤❤

[@ActiveSneakers]

It's implied to forgive and forget from gang stalking extended family members. Being angry and critical are frowned upon. They say to let it go and give it all to God. So the problems continue and there are no physical changes for the better in their manipulative behaviors from the narcissists.

[@juliebraden4865]

It's called d e n i a l! Bc they r in denial, they expect everyone else (or at least u anyway) to be also. To hell with your experiences & feelings. Real Godly behavior. 😒 Sorry. 🥺My elderly parents both died months apart about 3 years ago. Our parents' lifelong scapegoating & ignoring & many many times excluding me was passed down to my siblings. I was so blind for so long. With my siblings at least. I've accepted for at least a decade, and even much longer subconsciously...but my siblings?? 😢

[@juliebraden4865]

Just heartbreaking. I still give myself the blame. But really? My dad rejected me from 3 years old. I remember it intensly. Why?

[@robkirby6276]

Some, or even MOST enablers are even narcissistic themselves. They see a narc who thinks & acts just like them then want to make sure the metaphorical punching bag continues taking the unnecessary abuse

[@tanyawylie6750]

I became very angry, when at 9:48 , I realized that my therapist says I should be the bigger person because I clearly am more resilient and have a better emotional awareness of myself than my husband. I felt ‘off’ whenever my therapist would suggest this to me, now I understand a bit better why. In this therapy I’m told that I need to be responsible for my own actions (which I agree with) and that my husband is not responsible for them (which I also agree). Then I am led towards understand that somehow I am responsible to change my husband’s behaviour by showing up and being there for him, to engage and be accepting of him and his behaviour. I’ve been in this relationship for 32 years this March. I feel conflicted and confused about what I am hearing at times. I’m slowly starting to believe in myself, that I was right all along that his behaviour would change. No amount of love and sweetness can change someone who doesn’t believe there is a problem. Good grief I feel so overwhelmed , tired and sad.

[@jokendrick2124]

Sincerely hope you changed therapists. And be kind to yourself. Walk away from the narcissist. Figure out a way to walk away.

[@TNothingFree]

Love and relationships shouldn't be this hard. Change therapist.

[@yvettebennett6170]

Yes please get a new therapist. That is not a healthy response at all.

[@SierraNovemberKilo]

Shit "therapist". My experience is you get no help from "therapy" and are just gaslit to solve a problem that is not of your making but for which you are the main victim. You can only change yourself- no-one else. One has to ask the question exactly why you should change your spots just because someone decides to behave appallingly towards you. Step back. Grey rock. Absent yourself. Get out as soon as you can. That's the only way it stops.

[@TheRebelGypsy]

After being married to one of these inhumans for over 40 years, I’ve come to realise being nice to them only makes them worse, it seems to help them to justify their disgusting behaviour to themselves. It also seems to make their horrible flying monkey’s believe they are in the right! So glad that I finally got away, even if it takes me years to heal. I’d rather be with nobody than with that disgusting narcissist and his despicable ways.

[@i.ehrenfest349]

There was a Dutch food critic who prided himself on being “brutally honest”. Not just about food, but to the people around him. In an interview, he said that a friend’s wife got a stroke and subsequently lost her speech (afasia.) Our food critic then told his friend: “well, at least she shuts up, now.” When this friend no longer wanted to talk to him this was, according to our food critic, because “he can’t take the truth”. Many people could not take the truth. This was an interview in a big national newspaper and though narcissism wasn’t much on our radar, most people who read the interview were stunned by the critic’s anecdote.

[@brenda.lizeth]

Me: he still tells me he loves me His mom (who was ok with having his mistresses over her home): well, he used to tell that to (his ex gf) as well... - I wasn't just a gf, I was the wife who stuck by him throughout his darkest times... Edit: my husband was really good at gaslighting me, he made me feel like I was crazy. I was the one who needed to change, he never did anything wrong.. Every time he would make me cry, he would tell me to "grow up", or "you're a big baby". I was also the evil one... He finally left me for his mistress, on Jan of this year. I can finally see he has narcissistic tendencies. I'm still healing, and I wonder why I deserved it.. But I'm working on it... It hasn't been easy but I'm getting there

[@velvetgardenia]

I'm so sorry, @brenda.lizeth

[@brenda.lizeth]

​@@velvetgardenia Thank you❤

[@spaceparrot8702]

You didn,'t deserve any of it, I'm so sorry. These sociopathic maniacs are drawn to kind, empathetic people. It's just how it is. Where we see people, they see walking, talking batteries of life force.

[@sandracaezza7234]

Keep going, I was with a narc/addict 24 yrs. I work on healing everyday, we did not deserve what we got. I was struggling with not being “ good enough” at 72, but just remember their lies go with them,their manipulation is for everyone that they’re with. Not us anymore. I stayed with him through 4 relapses, married him a second time. No one believed in him more than me. His last relapse was steroids ,gay porn and gym adoration. Deserving ?????? No one is deserving of such treatment, you either. Count your freedom as life’s lesson from such a person , grow, heal, find gratitude, good things await you. 1-1-23 I discarded him !!!!!! Big ole surprise. I had been in therapy 2 months. He was so busy he didn’t even know. I have never had such peace. Heaven sent!

[@cc1k435]

Sometimes, you have to tell an anecdote to someone outside the inner circle to know what a toxic mess the situation is. Ordinary people always were appalled by total crap I may have started to accept as normal. 😕

[@kdogW-iw6oq]

Here is what my mom says when saying something about our narcissistic father, who abused his children: “I wish you could see him like I do”, or “It’s just the way he is”. Don’t worry about how he screwed up all his children. She was so mad at me when I finally came out about the abuse. She said, “Don’t tell anyone. It’s embarrassing.” And, “I know YOU believe he did.” That’s hurts deeply.

[@rayarena879]

When she tells you, “I wish you could see him like I do”, you should tell her, but I'm not trauma bonded to him like you are and I'm not one of his enablers. My father was abusive, and my mother used to also make excuses for him.

[@jcarpenter1022]

Your post touches on topics that are addressed in the 12-step program Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). For instance, Keeping Family Secrets; Invalidation. Maybe give it a try if this is the first time hearing about ACA. Even if no one was an alcoholic per se, growing up in a dysfunctional family is included - the chaos and insanity results in similar dysfunction. And relief can be found in this recovery group. Best wishes to you

[@kdogW-iw6oq]

@@jcarpenter1022 Thank you.

[@eurokay4755]

My father was a good man who died 20 years ago. My older brother has always been a toxic, abusive, malignant bully who still can not tolerate the idea of an authority or expert who has more knowledge or power than he does in any situation. You can imagine what this meant for his employment, marriage, and social life. What is interesting is that, in the 20 years since Dad died, my brother and mother have become this incredibly toxic pair, Mom enabling and excusing his worst decisions and saying literally the exact things you've described your mother saying about your abusive father's behavior to me about my brother. It's creepy how they've become this toxic team. And yes, it is extremely painful to realize that your mother would gladly set you on fire to keep the bully warm.

[@kdogW-iw6oq]

@@eurokay4755 I know. It’s like this weird game they play. They feed off of each other.

[@jhoughjr1]

So many true observations here. I’ve lived around narcissists my whole life.

[@tracyburnett84]

The narcissist in my life is my oldest son, his behavior is awful. It’s directed at me. His brother and sister and my daughter in law has told me more than once to “be the bigger person” multiple times. Additionally, they minimize the bad behavior and just accept it. It’s heartbreaking.💔

[@Georgemoore-hl2ff]

Hi Tracy🌹🌹 How are you doing?

[@Dusty42096]

My sister is a narc but I partially blame my late mother for allowing her bad behavior. Did you try punishing him when he acted poorly as a child?

[@shebakali6]

⁠@@Dusty42096are you trying to blame this woman for her sons narcissism? You do realize there is a strong genetic component and that the father may have played a role.

[@Dusty42096]

@@shebakali6 no I am not trying to blame her. I was just curious.

[@robotnitchka]

Disown him and be done with it. You don't need to keep any adults in your life.

[@AnubhaG]

Recently an antagonist person passed a very rude and insulting comment and went on on and on, I literally had to take it up with my lawyer and my mother started gaslighting me and tell me how I have done so many bad things. I got a no sorry message, only, ‘it was insensitive.’ I am appalled how my mother saw this show.

[@nikkinorton8310]

I think to break the cycle, the witnesses of this behavior should be up standers. The victim of a bully is somewhat powerless in that anything they do is going to be wrong. If they call them out, if they agree with them, if they fight back or walk away..... Whatever they do will be seen as coward, or aggressive or ignoring, or whatever... Bystanders to these events are key to stopping this behavior. If they laugh....they are encouraging bad behavior. It's usually very awkward for witness. Sometimes they are afraid ( coward) that if they speak up, they will be the next target. But if more people would call out these behaviors, truthfully and calmly, it would encourage more people to be upstanders instead of bystanders. .if more people did that instead of giving audience to it, we would see less narcissistic behaviors.

[@pamwhitehouse5961]

@nikkinorton8310 BINGO!❤

[@lordfreerealestate8302]

If someone is willing to defend an abuser, ask someone to swallow pain, or let someone suffer, that speaks absolutely volumes about who they are. My enablers would later reveal themselves to be just as bad, abusers themselves, just more covert and subtle. Enablers are often abusers too. Abuse by "collusion" is real, too ... the enabler may consciously be in cahoots with the abuser.

[@Healtogethealthy]

Dr. Ramani, you are a life saver! I called the police on my abuse narcissistic mother after her threats against me and my family and I’ve been told by people that I’m disgusting, that it’s just “her way”, that I should’ve realised that she would never carry out her threats! NO! No more! Life is too short to put up with abuse any longer! X

[@user-rs5kq9tg8c]

When someone tells that's something is not ok and it's hurting them it's enough. That's not a joke anymore. Anyway we can't be always the bigger person. And we can't always take responsibility for other people. We have to take responsibility for our mistakes. That's enough

[@td6259]

I've been the narcissist, the enabler and the target. I'm grateful i am willing to get help for this. The 3 types feel very connected. It awful. Remorse, regrets and trauma.

[@cassandra555]

“Protecting yourself and safeguarding your boundaries and mental health is just about the biggest person thing you can do” - Dr. Ramini Thank you for this video and advice. Holiday season always a tough time. My NPD sister wants to stay at my home for a few weeks to be closer to our elderly mother over the holidays. She’s having a tough time financially and appears to has no one helping her. She calls my mom, brother and sis and they all pile up on me that the toxic sister should stay with me despite me not talking to her since I went NO contact with her last year after decades of taking her abuse. The family enablers are informing me how down on her luck she is and has no people or resources to assist her so I need to help- “we are family - let the past all go - let her stay with you - it’s Christmas - what would Jesus do?! “. Mind you she has not spoken to me about any of this…her enablers are carrying her message: So Lordy I have no idea what Jesus would do and yes I feel for my sister’s circumstances but HELL and a hard no. Now the fam isn’t talking to me and I’m being “mean and uncharitable” and she may have to stay with my sister or brother and travel a bit further 😂 Whatever!

[@notagain779]

Let your brother or sister invite her to stay with one of them. They probably don't want her either, so are trying to lay some guilt on you. Go ahead and be uncharitable, and don't worry about Jesus or what he'd do. Jesus was no fool!

[@jannlewandowski5540]

Hi Dr Ramani and everyone! My "famous" words were, HE'S HAVING A BAD DAY." This helped take the embarrassment off of me, and this is only the beginning. UGH!!

[@lauragrolla5916]

My mother used to constantly say I had to be the bigger person about both my father and my sister. And then, years later, I discover narcissistic patterns and find out both are narcissists! Such a validating video. Dr Ramani, thank you.

[@jade9839]

Yes, you are so wright, and the person who told me to be the ' bigger person ' is a woman psychiatrist /psychotherapist, The person I was telling her about having an abusive behaviour was an other psychiatrist. I felt so humiliated and ashamed. Thank you so much for your videos, you help more than you can imagine.

[@rosefogarty6028]

I remember trying to stop smoking and someone told me "you can't help yourself". I stopped beating myself up in that moment BUT I took steps to stop. Whatever it took-I did it. This video really got to me because so many times people would say to me to "let it go" or "pay them no mind" or "why do you hold on to things?" I would have a hard time "letting it go" because it would keep happening....constantly. Once my enabler confronted the narcy - the narcy would come back and say "well life is tough and you have to be tough to criticism". It was like they were putting a be-quiet bandaid over my mouth everytime I tried to confront or stick up for myself.

[@jennyperone6238]

I grew up with a bunch of abusive adult toddlers. As a kid, i was always blamed for these people’s asinine awful abuse. One day when I was an older teen, I Walked away and refused to go to family gatherings. I suffered my whole life with terrible confusion. I always wanted to be NICE, but you’ve got to be Nice to yourself first! Took about 20 years to figure out boundaries. It gets easier and easier to walk away from nastiness when you just don’t care and people stop screwing with you when They know you’ll drop them like a bad habit and not care. Be kind to yourself first! Tell all the rest to pound sand!

[@Slightb5l]

Can I ask you for advice? How'd you become indifferent to their nastiness even when you have built boundaries? I'm going through with this rn for the first time. I'm so confused if I'm really the bad guy for overreacting and made a comeback to their insults and their attacks. When they have stopped the physical attacks, they have turned to verbally attacks, especially with their enablers who have called me crazy multiple times and I can't move nor live anymore. I'm so confused and depressed. Thank you.

[@marciestoddard730]

Get aqay. Your family are narcs. Youll never be able to be free living near or with them.

[@mikejarrells431]

Thanks. Yes. I've been told to "turn the other cheek." I decided to set & enforce healthy boundaries (stand up to the narcissist/bully). It's a pain to fight rather than flight (leave), but I'm tired enabling bad behavior. I won't settle. I will break the cycle. I'm rebelling. We got this.

[@vaska1999]

A narcissist will always disregard and violate any boundaries you set. Fighting a narcissist is a mug's game.

[@mikejarrells431]

@@vaska1999 I stood up to one. They called the cops. The cops took my side. So far so good. It is stressful. Not a good situation. Constant vigilance.

[@petuniagranny2758]

The Holiday's are coming. That's a bad time for me. I have a narc brother and a enabler mother. I live in another state, so my way of dealing with it, is only seeing them about once a year. They 2 live together, and hubby doesn't want to go this year to visit. I talk to my mother every day on the phone, and anything I might say falls to deaf ears, so I keep a physical distance between us. But now mom is getting elderly, so my worries have shifted. What I do is pray, and give it to God. It is a constant "thing", this family drama. My brother also has a serious health condition, which he uses as a weapon to get attention. So you never know, is this the illness, or is this a day he's seeking attention? I've been told over and over to be the bigger person for years while he verbally attacks me. Sometimes I live in my head for a couple days, and then I pray and give it over to God. It's never easy. It's day by day. What happens to people?

[@user-tn5ss8eg6e]

"Be the bigger person." Let's see. Parents, grandparents, school, family court are just a few of the people I've heard this from. Basically I am supposed to just leave an abusive relationship when I'm disabled, have no real income, and have children I won't be able to be a parent to or just shut up and be the bigger person. This world is completely insane. I am now only able to see my kids every other weekend and live in a basement that I'm only able to afford because of social programs. The court doesn't care how violent she is and that she blames her violence on me and her mental illness. As long as she didn't harm the kids then everything is just fine. Lawyer tells me she is too poor to pay spousal support and doesn't bother to even try. I am so broken at this point, I am too afraid to drop my lawyer and get a new one because I can't afford a new one. I have no idea what to do anymore.

[@karenrosen2983]

This is exactly what I went through with my MIL. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard these statements from other family members to the point where they started to blame me for not “being the better person” so I was the toxic one not my MIL. And for that reason my husband and I have no contact with any of them.

[@julymommy21]

My ex husband’s mother would say “ He can’t help it, he’s just like his father”. I would tell her about the abuse and she made it into his personality trait that he inherited.

[@caromitgeige]

My narc parent used to be the one who kept shaming me for being sensitive. They always told me to suck it up. Resulting in me being to rigid and obsessive that it almost destroyed my mental and physical health. And they made me think they were helping me in the process…. It is so sad to realize 😢 and i hope i will manage to do better with my baby (pregnant at the moment).

[@privateprivate8366]

I’ve seen so many tactics, by enablers,not track and shoehorn me into a narcissistic relationship, with my pants down around my ankles. The absolutely BLATANT ignoring of narcissistic behavior where, if I weren’t steadfast in protecting myself, they’d actually crack a whip. I think the ONLY reason most enablers stop in their tracks, is when they know you’re knowledgeable and of such a personality that I’ll look dead at them and they know there’s no way they’ll shame me into accepting what a narcissist has to dish. And the causes are anywhere from abuse by proxy to jealousy. I’ve been told to overlook, it didn’t happen, to “YOU should’ve been fired, because you allowed them to bait you.” And, I DO understand. Like narcissists, enablers are supported by a worldwide protocol, that I’ve always called a system. What I’ve learned about narcissism makes me the odd person out. I know that, no matter what I do, I seek to be viewed as the peacekeeper, whether it’s within my family or at work. Then, the eyes say, “I wish I could break you.” Sorry. Not happening. Ultimately, in one way or another, even for some people who are still in my lives, I’ve created boundaries they’re not aware of, because I know the mission they’re on.

[@jrhc3827]

Oh yes. I sure have been told to "be the bigger person." And it does feel shaming! And I can't count the number of times I've heard, "She/he can't help it! Promise me you'll still love her/him!" It's nauseating. I didn't let it go last time. I responded, "We are all responsible for ourselves." Two narcissistic parents who enable each other, each asking me to "be the bigger person" depending on who's acting crazed in a particular instance. Having to take care of them now that they are old, with their incessant bickering among other things, makes some days intolerable. I have up and left a few times, one time staying away for a month. The bickering is nothing new. It ruined nearly every holiday and outing (until we were among other people, of course).

[@eurokay4755]

Dealing with my 89 year old enabling and occasionally bullying mother with mid-stage dementia. It's fascinating how she's less and less able to maintain the mask. Constant cutting remarks about any and everyone, including close friends. What comes shining through is her profound insecurity and bitterness. A lesson, it seems, that what you spend your life suppressing and pretending about yourself may come out eventually if you outlive your mask. I do what I can, what is necessary and reasonable to help her, and focus on being so very grateful that my father lived long enough for me to get out of the house and begin living independently. Ironically, she implied recently, when she felt the need to explain why my malignant narcissistic older brother treats me with contempt, that he is like Dad because he "can't stand a pushy woman." It was supposed to be an insult, but it was one of the first times I realized she had zero insight into my relationship with Dad, who taught me at a very young age how to do all sorts of practical things like manage a bank account, change a tire, mow lawns, etc. and especially to never, ever become financially or emotionally dependent on anyone else. That was the beginning of my awakening to how insecure, and dependent Mom is on my narcissistic brother needing her for money, enabling, etc. I now understand that their false self-images are so enmeshed and important to them that both would be willing to set me on fire to keep themselves warm. When it's necessary that I am physically in the same space with them, which is seldom, I find it very natural now to just let them blather on without letting them anywhere near my feelings, thoughts, opinions, or plans.

[@jrhc3827]

@eurokay4755 Thank you for sharing this. Your strength and insight are inspiring and comforting.

[@shelchel9168]

The enabler I know is so manipulated by the narcissist. They’ve been broken down so much it’s like they live to serve them, cowing down to and believing everything they say. The enabler constantly questions us as to why we don’t spend time with the narcissist, guilting and shaming us. I’ve actually heard the narcissist say ‘absence makes the heart grow stronger’ and straight after the enabler approached and confronted us about not spending time with them. It’s bizarre.

[@suzannemetz5162]

Wow, my twin brother is the narcissist you described here! Everyone has given him the out of "relax, you know that is just how he is..." No more! I will not engage or become engaged by his misbehavior!

[@veronice_ronnie]

My mother is a narcissist, and my father an enabler.now tell me this isn't the best combination. 💀🤡

[@diandreabrown8711]

I live in a house with my ex, who has narcissistic tendencies, her partner, and her cousin who visits. They enable so much in regards to my ex and it seems that i am always the one shouting, reacting, and freaking out. It is always ME who has the problem.. I am trying my best to keep my head low until I can leave this hell hole.. this is my third time leaving this partner, and im praying to God it's my last because i have been lovebombed and then discarded when I couldn't provide what was needed. Radical acceptance is what I am chasing after because it is HARD to stay calm. I AM TIRED of giving grace, of being the bigger person and taking all the hurt. Time to let go and move on.

[@steggopotamus]

My strategy for staying calm is to take the infractions/toxic behaviors and "put them on file". It really only works after you've gotten over the feelings of betrayal. But what it is, is when they say/do something awful. You can say "ah, yes, this is why I'm leaving, so nice of her to remind me why this relationship will never work. This new thing will help me remember why I'm never going to go back again " It becomes a habit after you've done it long enough. I also have a rule for toxic people at least 2-5 solid years of zero shit from them where the timer resets when they get ugly. (Time depends on the particular narc) They generally see this as an insurmountable request, because kindness isn't their default, and double down on being their ugliest.

[@diandreabrown8711]

@steggopotamus how do you deal with the thoughts of revenge..? Because its like someone has destroyed u so much to a certain point. Ino we shudn say such things because it gives people power but it is difficult being respectful to someone who is not respectful to u?

[@cijmo]

I have physically distanced myself from narcissists. Just quietly, politely say "no thank you" when I'm invited along "because he's an asshole and you all seem to be okay with it."

[@roswb5388]

I worked in an office in the late 90s had to put up with this horrible nasty girl that was a real bully. Nobody liked her. The office manager said that’s just how she is it’s her personality just put up with it. I ended up getting asked to consider leaving. I did. Bully left six months after me. The manager really enabled this girl.

[@BigPrincessSam]

As a middle child of 7 kids - this was all I heard growing up & through adulthood with my mother. As of this year, I have had to cut off my entire family because they continue to enable and excuse her abusive and criminal behavior. They always say “she can’t help it” “she went through a lot as a child” - yeah, well, because of her and my other abusers, I went through a lot too, but I didn’t have 7 kids and drug them through all my trauma. Part of that decision was never wanting to be anything like my own mother, another reason I had no children? My narc mom convinced me if I ever had them, she would have them taken away immediately because I would just hurt my own kids - I know now that was projection. The “undoing” is going to take the rest of my life. Oh and I have a restraining order against my mother now - she violated it immediately, but because she is sooo good at playing the victim, they just gave her a warning even though I wanted to prosecute her according to the order. But I’m willing I would be sitting in jail had it been me!

[@BigPrincessSam]

And yes, my mother violated the restraining order because I followed through on protecting myself and she no longer had a way to control me. You should see the threats she sent to the witnesses who gave statements of her abuses and criminal activity. She should be in prison!

[@S4bK]

I think I might have been an enabler as a child, teenager and young adult, just to be able to make it through without too much damage. My sister would stand up to my father and call him out, enraging him even more and getting beaten up for that. I learned to adjust and walk on eggshells. Your videos are making me realize that most of the changes I've made to get my life back were exactly what I needed to do, even though I had to deal with self-doubt, horrific guilt (numerous phone calls from him accusing me of abandoning him), anxiety and depression. I believe that there were moments in my adult life that I might have enabled my father, just to protect myself from his rage, and I want to apologize to these people that were being abused by him and telling me about it. Thank you for bringing this to light. It is never too late for an apology.

[@nadinek5638]

I was told to be the bigger person by way of being told I had to eat humble pie as they laughed. I choose to act with dignity and respect for myself.

[@paolabustamante9512]

I just heard someone tell me about a narcissitic:”That guy is stupid” about an accusation that guy directed to me without any sensitivity in a very sensitive situation. I just answered that it isn’t a question of intelligence.

[@christophermarcone5504]

Partners in crime . Its a bad combo and I don't believe calling it out will change them . Just avoid them if you can. If you can't dodge it , I have found that a decisive response without cruelty or emotion ( grey rock-ish ) can work. Also sarcasm . But it gets sticky and takes more effort than it's worth pretty much.

[@beverlyadams7205]

Yesterday, my granddaughter told me I should go to family gatherings with the idea that things will go well. She has decided to be the bigger person and continue to try to get the attention of her other family members. I hope this works for her. I’m tired of trying to Make someone pay attention to me. I’m so happy that I can clearly see the dynamics in our family and I’m not influenced by someone else’s opinion of how to behave.

[@Georgemoore-hl2ff]

Hi Beverly🌹🌹 How are you doing?

[@lt827]

Even if a narcissist is sharing a difficult truth with you, they should be doing it privately, kindly and quietly and not in front of enablers.

[@MelancholyRequiem]

"Of all evil I deem you capable: Therefore I want good from you. Verily, I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good because they had no claws." -Nietzsche

[@catherinenelson4162]

I have found that moving far away from both the narcissistic relatives and the enablers works very well. I now have near total peace.

[@camadams9149]

9:26 No one has said that to me in years... because they know not only will I NEVER be the bigger person, I will actively become a worst person if its even suggested that I be the bigger person. Enabling boils down to keeping the peace at minimal cost. I will turn that small trashcan fire into a 12 alarm household fire. I make the calculation BLINDINGLY simple for enablers: Stay out of my way while I deal with the problem or you will be caught in the nuclear blast. I was a very quiet and agreeable kid preschool - 12th grade. It got me nowhere. It took years to get the lesson beaten into my head: The squeaky wheel gets the grease. I hate it. It is not how I am. I wish it was not like that. However, systems work how they work. Pretending a system works differently than it does makes you stupid and ineffective. Im not stupid or ineffective, so I have accepted reality & act in the way that will produce the results I want

[@yeetith]

This is literally my mom and brother to a T. Thank you so much for your videos they've brought me so much clarity.

[@alejandrabarajas8349]

“Be the bigger person” and “Let it go.”

[@JD5293]

“Trim, slim, and tight”…I love that advice

[@user-tb5lw9fb7k]

Yes, I have been told I have to be the bigger person, and I'm over it. They don't change, and I'm done thinking they will. Ugh.

[@morningmoon643]

I first tried to talk to my husband and reason with him about his behaviors. When I couldn’t take it anymore I told my daughter in law that he is very mean and needs help. My husband told me if I left him I left his family and only one person of his family contacted me and told me they loved me. Everyone else in his family didn’t bother to call me and I was ready for that reaction after 17 years it hurt, but I was the third wife so understandable.

[@LC-bc4ue]

I made a worst bigger person decision in my life. I didn’t call the police and sue my ex for child and domestic abuse. My mom told me i would ruin him and I made the kids lose their father. Now my ex is hurting me in the custody trial. Comrades, stop being nice to narcs. They do not deserve nice people and nice things in their lives.

[@dyanberg6263]

I’ve been divorced for 31 years and one of my sister-in-law always took his defence about anything I would say that my kids had told me.

[@nikkinorton8310]

Brutal honesty: I'm guilty. I want people to be honest with me, so I do unto others as I want them to do unto me but.....there are filters, and there is unsolicited advice, and there is a matter of taste. If it's about clothes or makeup, or decorations or food..etc .. if they like it, who am I to say anything. If they ask my opinion or why I'm not eating or whatever...I will just say, I don't like curry or I can't eat peppers, or whatever. I'm not making a value statement about that. Other people like those things. I love garlic ...some people hate it. That's ok. I don't give unsolicited advice. (Normally). Sometimes I screw up and do that. If I think a situation is dangerous based on previous experience I definitely will. If I see abuse, I often can't help myself. I speak out. It's lost me friends and family. I feel like that is my business if I see it, and I am brutally honest with that. If someone asks my opinion I will definitely be honest. My closet friends know this and ONLY ask when they want the truth. If they want validation I don't always give that and they know it. To me instead of calling it brutal honesty (the word brutal and I have only come into the same sentence together if using the words brutal- and honesty). Maybe we should call it raw honesty. I am not a flatterer because I hate to be flattered. I really don't like people sugar coating things, but I tolerate it because I realize they are trying to soften it. One of the problems of everyone being different is that everyone wants different things, and normal people give what they want to get back. Sometimes it's our own narcissistic tendencies that make us think everyone wants the same things. People who flatter may need to be flattered. People who take up for others, may need to have been taken up for at some point. People who feed others may have gone hungry at some point. And then there is the narcissist who flatter people to get what they want, take up for others because they are going to need someone to take up for them when they do something bad, or feed someone to make them fat...to make themselves look skinnier...lol. What a world we live in today having to try to figure all of this out.

[@bigred4379]

I can relate to your “brutal honesty” comments. And for the same reasons. If I’m asked, I’m honest, I’m direct, but I’m definitely not cruel. People who know me only ask for my feelings when they need honesty. Quite often, I’m told it’s appreciated. There are others who hate BS. Historically, my failures around this have been in intimate relationships. It’s taken years to learn that complete honesty isn’t always desired by the opposite sex. Even if they ask for it. Also , I , too, hate empty flattery, and find it patronizing. So I don’t do it. I love this channel because I learn so much, and I learn that I’m not alone. Thanks for sharing your experiences .

[@vickiegroome3220]

Those enablers are unreal. Comments heard : well that's just the way they are or honor your mother and father or blatantly bring up a painful past like it's a eat all you can buffet. Happier yes. Snubbed yes. Content in my own skin absolutely. Thanks Dr Ramani.

[@marialiemaldonado8569]

I am eternally grateful for your videos! They have been absolutely life changing! They have been key in my journey! 🙏🏽💞

[@Undisclosed_FBI]

I call them out I got fed up I’ve been attacked since I was a child, I left home at 15 because the psychological damage they inflicted and then gaslighted me into thinking I was crazy now I don’t even explain, but they’re now dealing with the physical health repercussions of dealing with each other and I they’re in disbelief when I tell them it’s because of the psychology, I was a victim even outside of my home because of the mentality I had the over apologetic over compensating weak injured person, “buck with a broken leg” kinda person, easy prey, but now I’m empowered and it’s kind of disgusting how often it occurs all around me

[@dangelodiane]

These are the same people who would also criticize women for "loving too much," or pathologize folks for being "codependent." It's maddening.

[@ussr001]

13:05 fighting bzck to a narcissistic person is not always a good choice, it can make things worse especially if the narcissistic person is very vengeful and such a low person is not worth it to bring my safety in danger

[@peggyminer9926]

Being required to always be the bigger person means staying in a one sided relationship without being able to express yourself. Eventually you lose yourself and find yourself locked in chronic freeze mode without seeing a way out.