Saying good-bye to toxic enablers in your life

[@leahg3926]

The person who holds you down during the attack is as guilty & toxic as the attacker.

[@wildhorses6817]

TOTALLY

[@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470]

Well said, Leah.

[@TheRealLiviaDarling]

FACTS!!

[@ais3195]

This is such a good analogy! Makes complete sense!

[@mizlialia1476]

No one is that dumb! 😂

[@realhealing7802]

Narcissists need enablers to support them. Without enablers, narcissistic people lose their power.

[@joshuaanzalone2060]

Yep real healing and without supply they collapse.

[@nugget6635]

The enablers are much worse than the narcissists because they are the ones that give narcissists their powers.

[@vol.9543]

Their like instigators and cowar when challenged.

[@mday3821]

It's heartbreaking to know that the enabler sets up the board for the Narcissist to play their "Games."

[@katyflame3668]

I agree 100%!

[@privateprivate8366]

Yes, enablers not only ignore the actions of a narcissist. They also try to groom you to accept the abuse. For me, even though I’d not had any prior experience with abuse, at least that I was aware of, it was a lesson in why so many victims, of also physical abuse, return to the situation. They have the very opposite of support. They have people often grooming them to return to and accept the situation. Lets you know that it’s more than just these random abusers, who are very sick people.

[@helenhighwater5313]

All under the guise of being "peacemakers". Gag.

[@youngblood8540]

For those who understand, no explanation is needed! For those who don't understand, no explanation is possible!

[@realhealing7802]

Exactly!

[@RA-vq3dk]

Nice one

[@cymbolichuman433]

I'm gonna try to remember that...thanks.

[@youngblood8540]

@@cymbolichuman433 👍

[@kendra9688]

Best comment!

[@j.farrell]

When you are authentic and strong, narcissists and sociopaths will belittle you to maintain their control and status in the environment.

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

Exactly

[@moniquejackson7741]

OMG I thought there was something seriously wrong with me when complete strangers would walk up to me to bring me down in some way. Now I see my positive, strong attitude was triggering their shame.

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

@@moniquejackson7741 narc, stranger abuse happens without victims realizing it. It has happened to me

[@franciscoguevara9727]

they can try today i can have gentleness on my self healthy boundaries integrity to my inner child and stay in my truth, disengage when i see the wor salad coming. It is healthy for me to speak up for myself when theres belittling or shaming comments. Im the loving parent that loves honors and protects speaks up for My inner child, and finds safe enough people to connect to. A narc cant respect boundaries. If i need to ask someone to step back on some bhaviour a narc will try blameshifting or gaslighting, thats the cue i need to stay true to me and my inner child, in stay in my trtuh, and then disengage, because they will only word salad from that point, and i dont need to waste my energy ive stated my truth and can disenage. Find safe enough people whom are empathic and safe enough and where my needs get met in reciprocal fashion:) God speed we keep healing , were worth it. We can be gentle and protecting of our inner children, stay true to ourselves, and keep finding safe enough people in this non-linear organic healing journey , of staying empowered and being whole, and living life in the tao of fully feeling and living and going after our passions and reams were worth it in a healthy way:) Even if a narc wants to project at us their shit , we can reject it and set healthy boudnaries disengage and dream on and keep healing and peeling the layers of the onion safely , with selfcompassion boundaries and integrity to my inner children and connecting with safe enough others: that are out there :)

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

@Mitch narc strangers usually wait for someone to look at them, and they will attack. They may say"why are you looking at me or mind your own business? They wait for a reaction

[@maryri]

I go no contact with all toxic people and keep my peace. I'm in my sixties and have a kind heart that I now protect.

[@Ellie-rp8bh]

Me too

[@wildhorses6817]

Same for me. After a long marriage to a covert narc and extreme betrayals and lies , I protect myself from the Demons.

[@vocalcoachgina]

57 and I do the same. ALL toxic people including any enablers, bye bye.

[@sudhakhristmukti1930]

Indeed. Had 2 bullying, abusive toxic neighbor-couples (& their 4 grown children) bullies that couldn't live in peace since they loved being hostile. When avoided by our family due to their mean mouths & toxic behaviour, they would prod & provoke in some way or the other! What a 'legacy' they left their adult children who were just like them!

[@AMNBYT]

❤🙏🏽

[@Freefolkcreate]

Empathy isn't nicety, it's strength and courage to speak up for those who are being mistreated. I don't need nice. I need people who will hold me through the storm.

[@paloma_a]

Oh, yes. Whenever someone has done that for you, or told you: "hey, this person is treating you badly..." If that has ever happened to you... It helped.

[@Michelehoffman-q7c]

Very well said and I agree-

[@jacquelynskye295]

Birds of a feather flock together. Ugh. Get away from all of them.

[@indigoechos6796]

Not one person in my "friend" group stuck around. It's amazing how people will drop you for a narcissist just so the status quo can be maintained

[@joshuaanzalone2060]

Indigo now they can all have each other. I'm glad family and friends are gone. I never needed them anyways.

[@lalaland7603]

Once you realize you need no one to escape hell, you'll see there is really no limit to what you can achieve. Getting rid of abuse leaves you a little lonely, but with so much peace.

[@rosykatzCATS]

Their loss

[@mcisanta]

Exactly

[@phyllistouchstone7136]

I totally agree.

[@6reynoldsgajsjk]

Enablers are often more hurtful than the narcissist. They make reality a lie and tear away at one’s mental stability and trust. When in such a situation, I literally want to crawl under rock if I can’t exit. I’m so sorry you went through this nonsense.

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

Enablers rarely stand up to the narc and that gives the narc an incentive to continue. This has happened to me in my family and so-called friendships, and work environment, and I felt powerless, as though I was backed into a corner and couldn't get out. The point I'm making is that narcs are clever and take advantage of environments, where they can abuse and intimidate victims, and have no accountability. In many cases, the narc is surrounded by flying monkeys and this gives them the upper edge to attack their victim with relative ease. Meanwhile, you as the victim, are in shock and can't defend yourself, while the flying monkeys stand by and enjoy the performance by the narc.

[@simsimahmadi9133]

Agree. They add fuel to the fire

[@sophiasweet7351]

Definitely agree with you ! Dr Ramani stay as you are we are proud of you ❤ Unfortunately there’s toxic people everywhere its sucks!

[@warrenbradford2597]

I have been in one recently. I had the displeasure of being in it. It will not be last of it if I remain in my own toxic environment long enough.

[@fokkerfilms560]

'They make reality a lie.' - Great line! 👍

[@minnesotajude8447]

Thanks for calling out women's abusive behavior, too.

[@mthomas3547]

You said something very powerful. You said, "She chose enabling over empathy" and, boy, that is the truth!

[@summydots]

Thanks for writing that down, I had missed this gem somehow

[@paloma_a]

Yes. It's in 9:00 (9:05). "The fact this nice person didn't step up. She didn't notice, she didn't check on me. Her enabling was more important than showing compassion to a person who was clearly being treated badly. Maintaining that other relationship with the difficult person was far more important to her."

[@christinewallace8490]

I think she fears the narcissist, you never can tell what they might do if you confront them especially in public. Everyone is afraid of what the narcissist might do because they are scary and you just never know. My mother would act like she was going to walk in front of a bus when I asked why she doesn’t care about me. Of course it was an act but I didn’t know that as an 18 year old

[@yellowgirl273]

I’ve once been your sweet enabling friend. I think as a child who was bullied A LOT, I subconsciously learned I could survive by being friends with the bullies.. laughing at their bad jokes, or turning a blind eye to bad behavior. Sadly it wasn’t until I ran into a more tricky pack of wolves that left me with many scars that I found myself having to get rid of EVERYONE in my life.

[@calizero8503]

My question is: how can anyone not like Dr. Ramani? She's kind, she cherishes ppl, she's authentic and I assume never rude. Hearing that someone insulted her repeatedly on purpose made me angry.

[@jahmirbrown6185]

Narcissist attack people like yu just described. Because they lack every single one of those qualities. And adult would do the self work to change , a child (the narc) will take it on out on said person

[@jacquelynskye295]

I think I'd drop the host too. She's an enabler. She chose her mean insulting friend's feelings over your feelings. I would not be getting together with " sweet person " anymore.

[@beabove]

Can I just say that the people at that party missed out BIG TIME. Imagine having the chance to hang out with you at a party! Even if we didn't talk about narcissism. :)

[@bsavage357]

I was thinking the same thing! Let's all have a party. Just imagine what that would be like! Everyone respecting one another, and having fun at the same time! 🤩

[@beabove]

@@bsavage357 I'm in!!!

[@maevebutler4641]

Absolutely agree!

[@bsavage357]

@@beabove Great! Now, we all just have to name a place and time!!!!

[@chayo4537]

You're just saying that cause you know her from here and ppl know who she is internationally. Would you have hung out with her otherwise?

[@nisha8500]

Thank you Dr Ramani .. I feel you deserve a Nobel prize for your work .. You don't know how important your work is for us ..

[@cdow9032]

She does! And It so is!

[@yaminiayachitam]

True, she saved my life!

[@cherylcobern4483]

💯💯💯

[@Dansyoung]

She certainly deserves it!

[@RA-vq3dk]

If Obama got the Noble peace Prize Dr. RAmani should get one for every video in advance

[@esmereldaweatherwax7230]

You're a treasure, and that toxic person was probably jealous.

[@janeb8385]

It is hurtful when everyone loves the cruel person and cannot see them, and you are singled out as a recipient of their malice. I have been there. I have grown and have become the observer of situations which has helped. I am also able to come back to equilibrium more quickly and my happy place. They vibrate at a different level.

[@danlee4706]

I think the enablers do more damage to one's reputation than the narcissists because others find more credibility in them. It's easy to pass off the narcissists because others usually figure them out after a while. The enablers are often nice and sweet and, therefore, have more perceived credibility

[@anitavirginillo]

Agree - buy not saying anything to the "nice woman" she became a de facto enabler herself.

[@Monipenny1000]

Very true. It's difficult for the nice, sweet, especially if she is honest and credible. This makes sense now why narcs use them in this way. It is such an awkward and uncomfortable feeling when put in that position. We have to learn to develope our voice and speak up, it's the hardest thing to do. I've been working on it but I am realizing as I change and getting better, the narc has other tools at their disposal to manipulate you futher into their bondage. They are so evil. Narcissists all around me in my siblings, aunt and a cousin. I am trying to remove two of them from my life, at least distance them. Three of them are out, they discarded me. I am fine being alone, I prefere it

[@danlee4706]

@@Monipenny1000 I am also in the process of distancing myself from the toxic family--the narcs and the enablers. There is no point in trying to reason or reform them...as Dr. Ramani says it's like being in a cult and reason won't work and proof is ignored. I'm probably at the happiest point in my life now. I'm not the cult's scapegoat anymore!

[@danlee4706]

@@anitavirginillo Like Dr. Ramani says, there is no legitimate of conversing with a narcissist. Anything you say or do will be wrong. The only right thing to do is to not engage them. Sometimes that's not possible, but we have to choose the lesser of two evils

[@daniellee1722]

Not only do we share the same name we share the same outlook on enablers. The enabler in my life emboldened the narc to cut me off. They teamed up to make me the bad guy. On the surface I say good riddance but it's very traumatizing to become estranged from siblings. Every fibre of my being since birth has told me to love and respect my brother and sister. Deep down it'll always hurt and be a source of shame.

[@maryri]

I believe the toxic enablers are just as guilty. I've had lots of experience with this in my family w my ex who manipulates our adult daughters with money.

[@ebony41441]

Sorry you were treated so horribly. A coworker smeared me and was working hard to get me fired. She had done this to many other people. I decided to leave the job and find a healthier place to work. My good friend knew her too. I was telling her about what she had done to me. My friend stated she knows she’s not a good person and she said that despite that she was going to continue hanging out with her. Those two love to get together to gossip about people. Most enablers like the narcissist for their own reasons and want to side with them. I felt this friend really didn’t care about me so I cut her and many other enablers out. Who needs friends like that. I wish them well but don’t want them in my circle.

[@ginasmitasin479]

Good for you, nobody needs those types around. Glad you found a different job, toxic work environments are awful.

[@helenahandkart1857]

Smart move. 👍

[@denisesatt7044]

My sis and I have a phrase "I don't want them to starve , I just don't want them at my table."

[@privateprivate8366]

Some will try to save themselves, by being nicer or becoming closer to the narcissist. Be careful of those types. They have no understanding of the narcissistic dynamic, no center, and may become flying monkeys and enablers, in short order, gaslighting you into feeling that the path to redemption with the narcissist, is kissing up to them and their behavior. This is hardly ever true because, for the narcissist, they don’t see the need for their behavior to change. Certainly not above their agenda of destroying their intended target(s).

[@cathybutcher4826]

Good decision. 👍

[@sarahkoren7294]

I am glad that you decided that the "nice" person was demoted, because the fact is she isn't so nice.

[@taggstir4966]

I loved her ending quote … “they May not have created the monster but they sure keep it fed”

[@malindarayallen]

Dear Dr. Ramani, the insulting woman was jealous of you. So were the mean friends. Rewatch your own video about what happens when the narcissist meets the authentic person. They say someone who was unusually beautiful and self-possessed, and they felt a threat to their world order. They set about to ostracize you. Also, your "friend" did you a favor by showing you who she was. Maybe she can heal one day and be the friend you deserve. I'm glad you've figured out a more proper place for her in your life

[@chocolate-eq6jn]

I'm not so sure that I agree. You could be right, but Dr. Ramani stated at the beginning of the video that she is not thin and wasn't "dressed up" for the occasion. My first thought is that these may have been wealthy people who are snobs. I think that they may have been very judgmental and non-accepting of those whom they feel are "beneath them". My guess, is that Dr. Ramani didn't "fit in" and the other guests felt that she didn't belong there. This is not only common in more elite circles. It happens in variety of settings. I am surprised, though, at this level of callousness and the mean spirited attitude towards Dr. Ramani. I didn't know it was out there. Maybe social media has turned people into little monsters. I would think that most people would just ignore the person they don't approve of, and maybe make a few passive aggressive remarks.

[@malindarayallen]

@@chocolate-eq6jn I hear you, and I appreciate your take. The outsized meanness was what made me think about jealousy. Narcissists will often insult the best things about you. But then again, I wasn't. Mean people suck so much.

[@drritathornton8191]

Dr. Ramani you only showed the soft-spoken enabler and all of the people at the event just how wonderfully "authentic" a person you really are! Thanks to your videos, I have learned that narcissists will ALWAYS SEE an "authentic" person (like youself) as a "threat." So, the Narcissist must attack and abuse the person who they feel threatened by...doesn't matter what you do or say because it's all about how they SEE you, which will NEVER change! My family dynamics is a lot like the social event Dr. Ramani attended, in that the "abuse" is watched and accepted by family members because, they don't want to alienate the Narcissist. So, the Narcissist's abusive behavior becomes normalized within the family culture. But, thanks to you Dr. Ramani, after 68 years of being publicly and privately traumatized by my celebrity-status family members, I now have the courage to go NO CONTACT with anyone including my family members who still want to abuse me simply because I choose to be and maintain being the loving "authentic" person who was created in the image of God! So, stay the "authentic" person that you are Dr. Ramani because, that's where YOU TRULY SHINE!

[@websurfer5772]

@@drritathornton8191 You said, "they don't want to alienate the Narcissist" but I think they don't want to alienate themselves from the N.

[@chocolate-eq6jn]

@Yup Yup Thank you for sharing your story!

[@papaki616]

....may not created the monster, but they sure keep it fed!!! So true!!

[@nadya7189]

So true.The Narcissistic enablers do not create the monster but sure keep it fed

[@jessicat2519]

"They may not have created the monster, but they sure keep it fed."

[@forensicfaithinprofiling]

Awe Dr Ramani I'm so sorry you were bullied and ur friend didn't stand up in ur honor. I just about cried hearing ur experience bc I feel we survivors can all relate w you and we can support and validate you. I'm so glad u had a safe friend to call on ur drive home. I think ur a beautiful BADASS and I'm grateful for all you share w us and educate us w validating us just the same. 🙏

[@carolyn4423]

I agree! Wish Dr. Ramani was my friend 😊

[@summydots]

I so feel your comment

[@lookaroundyou8108]

When someone toxic hates you for no reason know that they can tell that you are going to see through them and they have to make everyone else hate you before you expose their behavior.

[@Morgan-nw7ou]

Dr Romani, I have found that the "darkness" in some people recognizes the "Light" in someone else and it goes on the attack. It can be quite vicious and dangerous. Bless you for staying true to yourself.💕 And heartfelt gratitude for what you do for so many.💖🙋🏻‍♀️

[@harmonylove7006]

So true!💕🙏😇

[@maevebutler4641]

Amen to that!

[@mariaridler1831]

That’s it! I often find myself under attack from people I barely know. It’s confusing and stays with me for weeks as my natural reaction is to ask myself what I did, it must have been me, my fault, but I’m beginning to see that actually it’s something in them that I seem to trigger! Weird

[@websurfer5772]

@@mariaridler1831 I read in my astrological chart that all I have to do is just be there minding my own business and I'll trigger them to attack me. It says the answer is for me to be a lone wolf this lifetime which is the opposite of how my outgoing personality wants to live. Well, if we design our own lives, and I'm hearing we do, then I set myself up for a very emotionally challenging one.

[@mariaridler1831]

@@websurfer5772 wow that’s very challenging. I’m a real people person so welcome any interaction and am never prepared for the negative, it always takes me by surprise and I’m more angry with myself for not dealing with it as well as I should. Perhaps too trusting? But I don’t want to be defensive so always anticipate goodness from others. Takes me ages to let it go and move on. Merry Christmas my friend 😊

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Sometimes all it takes is to show up to an event and the toxic people will instantly show their disdain for you. 😢 I have experienced it so many times. Thank you for your beautiful heart and compassion dr Ramani. ❤ We need to learn those painful lessons and adjust our future behaviour accordingly.

[@lisashealingjourney5283]

Oh my goodness, this happened to me years ago. I felt bullied at 35. I was like I have never even met these women what did I do, and the host said nothing. Needless to say I never accepted another invitation she extended to me. ❤

[@Stardusted1]

Maybe she was doing it FOR the host. I’ve been set up like that. Sneaky, underhanded and passive aggressive for the host, and the one inflicting your pain is loving it.

[@stephanie3848]

I'm glad you got out! Those people sound like they are not worth it

[@lisashealingjourney5283]

@@Stardusted1 I never thought about that. Thank you for that insight.

[@lisashealingjourney5283]

@@stephanie3848 Thank you me too. ❤

[@neelubird]

I hope you don't mind me asking you this (as I think Dr Ramani has such a flood of comments, that she's unlikely to answer if I ask her)- why didn't you tell the host afterwards that the way you were treated that day is the reason why you'd never accept another invitation from her? I understand in the vid, Dr Ramani didn't want to create a scene or have a confrontation or leave too early in a way that her 'nice' friend might dislike- but I cannot understand her saying that when the 'nice' friend spoke to her afterwards about inviting her again, she made some excuse about travel when she could've simply told the 'nice' friend that she was openly disrespected and mistreated with literally no one having her back so that's why she doesn't want to accept further invitations. I also understand not wanting to confront a toxic or narcissistic person due to the assumption that the person will not change and is too arrogant to accept being corrected, but that wouldn't be my immediate assumption regarding someone you considered to be nice for 20 years so why not tell her?

[@MrGearoid65]

Dr Ramani, I'm very sorry this happened to you. I've been dismissed in similar fashion and my 'nice' friend didn't defend me at all. In fact the nasty person who attacked me opened my eyes to the reality that my 'friend' was a nasty enabler and a narcissist himself. I've put up with situations like this out of kindness towards the enabler, just like you did, but no more..... I'm going to be my own best friend forevermore. Thank you for being so open about your real life experience. It helps so much. Hope you are doing well. G 👊✨🙏

[@summydots]

Thank you for sharing story, it solidified the learning from this video

[@MrGearoid65]

@@summydots Thank you. Hope you, yourself are doing well.

[@davidhalldurham]

Wow, this video is spot on. I have a friend whom I've known for decades. He is a very kind person, but he surrounds himself with toxic, mean men whose only way to feel good about themselves is to slam other people. They're the stereotypical bitchy queens, mistaking snobbery and nastiness for wit and intelligence. Over the years I've learned to do only one-on-one meetups with my friend. No more dinner parties, no more "let's all meet for drinks". Life is too short.

[@sarahsalter678]

🙌🏾👏🏾

[@lsmmoore1]

And the sad part is he'd likely get real salty if you brought up to him your comparison between his crowd and "mean girls". It is accurate, but guys like this don't like to see any similarity between their behavior and that of the women they stereotype and look down on. And then they whine about how no one talks about these issues in men, when they could benefit from looking at equivalent material aimed at girls and discussing the parallels they see there (which, btw, is what women do a lot with stories featuring male protagonists and other things featuring male sources, note parallels between said men and themselves, it's not all "I want to date said guy").

[@gertrudewest4535]

Like attracts like.

[@websurfer5772]

@@gertrudewest4535 🎶Birds of a feather are flocking outside.🎶

[@privateprivate8366]

I’m not even interested in one-on-ones, when I know someone is part of this dynamic. Usually, whatever you say to them, will be used against you later.

[@ImbriumDream]

So many social circles have a toxic person in the center. It’s hard to even find a group of friends if you possess any awareness.

[@missboozehound]

I can’t even have a relationship with my niece and nephew because of their toxic narcissistic grandmother. She enables my brother and has sabotaged my reputation with her smear campaign. Try’s to disrupt my peace and I’ve gone no contact. A mother jealous of their own child is sickening. Stay strong people. Remember that you can’t be nice or friendly with people who are close to the narcs. Enablers are victims who are easy to control. Hold firm to your reality. Don’t let these demons in. The power is inside you.

[@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538]

The problem is you can't be yourself with them because they are often gathering data for the narc - who will use it against you. If you are naturally an open and honest person, it is draining to remember NOT to be open

[@fluffytimes100]

Same here with sister and mother! Blah, begone devils! No and low contact after decades of confusion, pain and abuse! Yay.

[@fillistine]

Same with my sister. She talks bad about me infront of the boys

[@missboozehound]

@@fluffytimes100 I hope and pray you have found healing and disrupt those demons!

[@missboozehound]

@@fillistine Let her talk. Actions speak louder. Stay safe.

[@janetsadeghi1501]

Dr. Ramani is beautiful both inside & out. She's gorgeous.

[@cp_honey]

How much of a sweet person are we truly, if we effectively give a thumbs up to toxic & hurtful people? Care more about the relationship with an antagonistic person, than decent behaviour? It feels so bad to be the odd one out, but, it's surely better than spending our precious life time in questionable groups of people.

[@MonicaGunderson]

My "friend" of 25+ years did this to me when she started dating someone. Totally ghosted me, didn't say a word. Worst of all, the person she started seeing was my neighbor... And my "friend" would park in front of my house on the daily when visiting this toxic person...... This occured during 2020... I have an autoimmune disease and immunocompromised, the toxic person bullied me for an autoimmune disease I was born with, figuring I wasn't trying hard enough, and thought I was overreacting during a pandemic.... My friend of 25+ years played along with the toxic person. I felt like they wanted me to pretend not to have an autoimmune disease, immunocompromised and pretend covid isn't real...... Even though being immunocompromised means I get sick easily, a cold, flu, or covid could easily land me in the hospital, ICU, or death. I decided my life was more important than this toxic friendship. Went No contact with both.

[@cdow9032]

But you are beautiful Dr. Ramani! I hate when I have cognitive dissonance. I hate when people write/laugh off bad behavior, it's insulting to us! It's belittling, and insulting.

[@vacationeyes6430]

This would be the new year's resolution for me. Saying no to toxic enablers and empowering at least 10 of my friends and family to do the same.

[@debbiewhitman5455]

My mom is the toxic enabler of my toxic narcissist 1/2 sister. I have decided that my mom is passive-aggressive. I got sober 3 years ago and it opened my eyes to the family dynamics. The passive-aggressive person feels as damaging as the narcissist. I am grateful to be able to sit back and assess the brokenness and distance myself from it.

[@nahidkaramali3823]

Agree with you-they suddenly make a comment to release their anger and you feel so confused because they do not communicate directly to say what they are thinking- Passive-aggressive people seem to deny the reality even when you try to resolve the issue,leading to gaslighting-a type of abuse.

[@lovearttherapyalways]

Yes, it is cowardly to not hold abusive behaviors accountable. Your mother as mine did, did not teach them to be accountable and harmed us doubly in the process. Sad.

[@TruthRocker]

Me too! I chose to be by myself for Christmas as opposed to my sister controlling and manipulating others. I won’t be in that bad energy when I don’t have to.

[@nahidkaramali3823]

@@TruthRocker Absouletly- you have put yourself first and valued yourself-it is self-respect.Have done this for years with my sister and her family for the same reason-being alone is much better than feeling alone when we you are within toxic relationships.

[@eyeleesmiley]

I have a 1/2 brother. His mom - I call her my “birth mother” now. I have been clean since 1998 & off meds since 2016 and barely realized last summer that -NO WONDER I used to use & even have seizures when they were in my life. 😰

[@marieborchardt2910]

As a layperson who's experienced narcissistic abuse throughout my life and ultimately sought help, I'm DONE with mean people. I'm done trying to appease them, I'm done trying to help them, I'm done trying to analyze them. I'm going with my gut feeling and walking away. It's harder with people who have been in my life for years. A few I've gone no contact with, but others I've distanced as best I can. I have fewer people in my life, but we are easy and happy together. Thank you for sharing your feelings Dr. Ramini, it helps me understand mine. ❤️

[@SinMore]

ugh....my husband died this year and I am homeless...A friend let me stay on their property while I get back on my feet. The problem is his son is schizophrenic and tries to humiliate and boss me around. I'm in my 50's and he's in his 20's. It's so humiliating and terrifying. I would go to a shelter but I don't want to lose my dogs. I hate my life.

[@cg741graf5]

I could t leave a recent wedding and was subjected to insult after insult. It is just over one week later I’m still troubled and fall into tears. I don’t even want Christmas to come and see this person.

[@krystalMtn]

Sounds like being around family at the holidays. You go because there are people there you love and want to visit with. Then there are the abusers you are forced to tolerate at the same time. I would be the same way, still maintain the friendship, if it's a valuable one, but not be going to any future gatherings with them. Also the abhorrent friend of hers sounds like a very judgmental, unhappy, person. Like the kind of person who will say cruel things to and about you, but then turn around and claim, "well I'm just speaking truth, cause that's the way I am. Like it or not." Yet they use that as justification to say whatever they want without regard for others.

[@ginasmitasin479]

Really makes you want to say exactly what you think of them too, professionally, physically and intellectually. Well I’m just stating the obvious but we don’t because it doesn’t come naturally and then we’d feel bad for saying it.

[@hennisincoff502]

You went for a friend, & wound up being supply for the narrsist & enabler. You don't need to stay anywhere that makes you uncomfortable. Such a terrible experience for you, wonderful, educated, beautiful you.

[@evasz814]

During my career at my younger age, I noticed that some people ignored me completely from the beginning, even though we never spoke. I never understood why. No matter what I did, I just couldn't please her. Today, knowing about personality disorders, I know that these people were very jealous of something. Either your look or your reputation that you are very smart or professional. At my age, I do not care about these people. I move on very quickly. I only care about my close friends' opinions.

[@websurfer5772]

That's true. Look how much adulation Dr. Ramani receives on her own channel, and it's well-deserved. People will even murder those they're envious of. It can be a catch-22 to be doing well in this world.

[@tijeraslack3]

Don’t beat yourself up Dr. Ramani. You are beautiful, educated, and just yourself. ❤❤❤

[@psalm148.1]

thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this with us Dr. Ramani!

[@truthseeker9355]

This person definitely perceived you as a threat, and like a rabid dog, decided to attack first and ask questions later. More importantly, without the enablers, this type of abusive behavior would come to an abrupt stop. I teach my clients that enablers make the abuse possible and it's best for them to not participate in that type of behavior.

[@heathermixson1265]

Hugs to you Dr Ramani....your gentleness and kindness are felt by so many of us.....and you definitely handled that way more professionally than, dare I say, half of us would've.....

[@thesehandsart]

No way. I'm in the place where I just ignore or walk away from those folks, perception be damned! It feels like the healthy way to honor myself and I don't create a scene. I have little empathy for those who enable abuse of me(or others) no matter how kind they are, not none but less. I understand that others may not be aware but willful ignorance is no longer a defense in my book.

[@martinsalazar_]

these kinds of situations surely reactivate old wounds from childhood, especially those that are deeply rooted in bullying, ostracism and exclusion. that must've felt bad Dr. Ramani. but always remember this is their issue, their problem, their bs, not yours.

[@coreyrenik6419]

You definitely become what you spend time with the most. I had a friend introduce me to a potential intimate partner and within a few weeks I noticed certain things like gaslighting, actions not meeting words and a lack of productive communication in the sense of being accountable for the rude comments. Being married to a covert female narcissist for 17 years and divorced years ago I bring in my life what suits me. I know my worth and what I bring to the world

[@MrsCheckpointJesus]

Corey, wish you the best and that you will find your woman!!!

[@northstar5919]

Its good that you recognize many men dont

[@welshpokerman101]

A lot of resonance with myself this comment has, glad you are out of it and better off! Granted mine was much more short term and I was able to escape earlier.

[@kimlarso]

Hope you acknowledged & healed your own narcissistic tendencies from having lived with a c-Narc for 17 yrs?!… 💚

[@izawaniek2568]

Healing from narcisistic abuse means not letting hurtful and unsafe people in our lives. I feel sorry for you dr Ramani and resonate with what you went through. ❤ Thank you.

[@Mark-db1ok]

I really hope the "nice friend" sees this video.

[@user-ce6dp4mi7v]

Wow! I was just thinking about the enablers days ago. In normal relationships being kind and empathic is the norm. In narcissistic relationships when you start asking for the bare minimum of respect the relationship falls completely. In my case I took your advice and cut all the enablers, I don't need these kind of people in my life anymore. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Couldn't have done it without you🙏.

[@chayo4537]

You accept the bare minimum

[@rosemessner1850]

You are known world wide Not a chance she didn't know you She was intimidated and jealous. You are enlightening people every day Blessings on you!

[@crispycookie9739]

Yes, yes, yes! This reminds me of a similar situation I was in a couple of years ago when I realized that a huge part of my 'friend' group was toxic and that I needed to leave. Since then I have only remained 'FB' friends with the toxic folks. Don't see them in person, call or text. Life is so much better without their energy in close proximity.

[@websurfer5772]

Now you just need drop FB and you'll be even happier. Trust me.

[@virginiadodgen2787]

Why fb friends?

[@websurfer5772]

@@virginiadodgen2787 I may not be right in all cases, but if you're dealing with Ns and their enablers, any communication can be used against you. But if it's working for you, don't listen to me.

[@virginiadodgen2787]

@@websurfer5772 I was saying why remain on face book with them. I would go no contact completely.

[@websurfer5772]

@@virginiadodgen2787 Oh, I see what you were saying now. Thank you for clarifying.

[@kooks4977]

I’ve noticed that some narcissists sense straight away that you’re a genuine type of person, and a genuine person lives in truth, which is obviously the opposite of a narc, and they feel threatened by that, because you’re likely to see through the delusion that they’ve created about themselves, to fool everyone else. You don’t have to “try” to be you, because you live in truth, and you’re not trying to manipulate anyone. I had a similar experience, where I’d see a particular narc at friends parties etc, and she would always go out of her way to put me down, when I was trying to blend into the background and not be noticed….I’m an introvert too, and tend to hide in the corner at these things. I think they feel threatened and try to bully us, because they will never be like us. Their lives are built on deception, manipulation and lies….they’re psychological criminals really, and they know that.

[@taotaostrong]

I’m so sorry that this happened. I question whether the “nice” person is truly “nice” and whether she’s a “friend” or just someone that you know.

[@Sam-pl3yd]

Yes Dr Ramani 💕they are all toxic people who like to bully 😔 I have put up with all horrible insults and toxicity for too long! 🙏❤️❤️❤️

[@shams985]

Liking before viewing, every time!

[@rwdchannel2901]

I avoid being in groups. The social dynamic changes when you get a group together because usually someone feels the need to be the group leader. That's when the toxicity starts.

[@KeenanDenis]

My narcissist male neighbour is also my stalker. I live in a tiny rural village, everybody knows everybody and shares everybody else's business - mostly done in kindness, not maliciously. I've been thinking recently of pulling back from a few neighbours who, in their absolute innocence, are being used by my neighbour stalker for info on me. It's sad, especially in the run-up to Christmas, but I'll just tell them I'm busier than usual so don't have time to sit and chat today.

[@amac2573]

Please keep yourself safe. Nothing wrong with you protecting yourself.

[@goldenviolet]

Sharon , l have the same situation. Everyone takes his side, l have not done anything wrong. Look out for him, and if you can move; think about it. Look out for yourself mostly, and know that many women are in the same situation we are in.

[@KeenanDenis]

@@goldenviolet I will not move. No man is going to make me give up my life. I'm following Dr. Ramani's suggestions (also HG Tudor channel on KZbin). Overcoming the narcissist is like training a baby - it will take time, there will be stumbles along the way, but the result will be worth it in the end. Hoping you get your situation resolved too. x

[@susanlewis1875]

One of my favorite quotes is from The Wisdom of the Fathers, a collection of Rabbinic ethical teachings: "It is not your responsibility to complete the work, but neither are you free to walk away from it." A calligraphed version of it has been on my wall for ~50 years. The older I get, the easier it becomes for me to step up and step in when it's necessary.

[@denacardelfe6428]

That story that you shared was very healing. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤️

[@philpell9002]

This situation feels so familiar. I see this toxic enabling going on in so many places. Hope you have a very Merry introvert Christmas 🎄 ❤

[@GrandmaEllen]

"They sure keep it fed." Amen to that. Dr. Ramani, in my 40's I realized I had a new definition for nice. NICE: Not Into Coddling Everyone. I was so tired of being the nice person who never gets what she wants. And I was getting old enough in those office environments as an underpaid worker, that it was hard to take mistreatment and bullying. I think that "nice" often translates to enabling. Enjoy the season and stay warm wherever you are. Grandma Ellen, hibernating. 💜

[@healerscreek]

NICE!! Love your definition of NICE!

[@GrandmaEllen]

@@healerscreek Thank you.

[@rennell714]

Amen.. there's a world of difference between being "Nice" and "Good".. Its like Night and Day 🌞 Light and Dark God Bless 🙏🕊

[@alcudiababe1]

I know what it's like to be in a situation where someone's been rude to someone I adore. My first response was because I was under the illusion of this woman was so good and cool... "You can't say that!" Because I was shocked and because I didn't think she could be so rude. So I called her out on it. It's not my style to get confrontational and angry but I said that and then everyone joked my comment off and teasingly teased "oh but she did say that," which was beside the point but it didn't get addressed. Later on, I checked on the other person and apologised for her behaviour. It turned out after this one party the hosts had to go phoning around others who this lady had upset that night whilst helping herself to a few too many red wines

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Judgmental, insulting people are emotional and mental predators. I started to prune such people from my life, and because I was raised by and around people like this, there are not too many people I have known for years who are left in my circle. Sometimes life is lonely, but it is better than enabling and experiencing the mind games and self-doubt that was just "normal life" to me before. I recommend that if someone says something to you that you ruminate on, write down the interaction around when it was said. Doing this has helped me to purge the poison from my mind, and it also gives me mental space to gain perspective. How would you feel about this interaction if you saw it in a movie? Also, having written documentation provides a record that can be reviewed for a reality check. Just how many insults do you need to hear from one person to conclude that this person does not see you as an equal? It amazes me the elaborate excuses I had for this kind of behavior, but ultimately, it really did hurt me to continue to expose myself to people who do this. Please remember: Do not throw your pearls before swine.

[@websurfer5772]

Excellent points.

[@GSR-oh3ng]

Ya I can identify with this a lot I ended a lot of friendships and now I am lonely but I like it way more now than before!! Good for you it takes a lot of strength and just being absolutely fed up with that shit to make that move and begin your healing journey congrats!

[@MsTammi125]

You're self aware and kind. Strong when needed and open to knowledge. I'm proud of you.

[@yaminiayachitam]

I can empathize with you Dr. Ramani. It happened to me too. I have seen many times the nice people, in the pressure of pleasing everyone, ignore their own feelings, and also ignore their dear one's feelings too. Its very sad to leave such nice people, but the toxic environment they enable is harmful for innocent people.

[@anjaherrmann1982]

What an awful experience! Envy comes to my mind - whatever, the behaviour of the two women wasn't okay. And don't forget: You look great, you are like a sun! Shaming sucks.

[@JJ-mh4xd]

My ex father in law literally told me to stop eating if I couldn't not squeeze behind his chair and my RESPONSE WAS YOU HAVE A LOT OF ROOM TO TALK!! He knew my ex boyfriend would have a problem because I said something back!!

[@gardenjoy5223]

DoctorRamani, a very late 'thank you' as well, for screaming at the toxic person in order to defend your innocent family member. It shows your integrity. You make this world a better place. I wish someone had stood up for me. Thank you for be that 1 in 10,000 people, who actually DO care.

[@karenvalentine7321]

I see you as a strong statue of a figure. A similar experience happened to me in a family gathering situation. You are awesome!!!

[@linda_castor]

Hello to a fellow introvert! 😊 Your video helped me so much because of a recent girls’ trip with my enabling, sweet and nice person and her friends. One of the alpha women bullied me with a contrary comment, and I experienced cognitive dissonance. I felt out of place with this group of ladies, and it was an uncomfortable, long weekend. My nice friend and I both have N-mothers, and I can see she is still attracting N’s in her life while I am now repelling them. Thank you for the insight. We are all doing our best, in our own way and time, to heal from N.💜

[@websurfer5772]

That's fascinating. Do you think as we learn more about this we attract even more hatred?

[@neelubird]

Your comment might answer the issue Dr Ramani mentioned "I don't know why she hated me so much"- maybe Dr Ramani was hated precisely because once you sus out what people are like, you repel narcs just by your body language.

[@linda_castor]

@@websurfer5772 I am not sure I understand your question, but I will attempt a response: Yes. I don’t think narcissists are cognizant of their unkind and often spiteful behavior. They are just being who they are. To your point, we learn a lot when faced with what feels like hateful behavior directed towards us. Depending on our spectrum of healing, their actions can trigger us to retreat, verbally react, etc. Anyone determined to heal, I believe, is always learning from interactions with narcissists. I had a brief encounter with one yesterday and handled it very well, with excellent boundaries.☺️

[@websurfer5772]

@@linda_castor Good job! Thanks for explaining more.

[@stephanie3848]

I felt so empowered when I told off a narcissist who had been bullying me for a long time. I was assertive, not nasty like she was, just assertive. It was in a letter, and I hope she read it, but even if she didn't I'm glad I wrote it. I said I had told her everything I needed to, I was moving on, please respect my space. Fortunately it was not a cling-on situation (Klingon?) The enablers have moved away and that is a relief too. Life is good.

[@rainncorbin8291]

That was my stepfather. Enabled mom. I told him before they died, that I had zero respect for him anymore because of his enabling her. They're both dead. Good riddance. Now my son is with a narc, probably a borderline. Had to set boundaries there and they were violated and now they won't talk to me because I confronted both of them. It is what it is. I'm taking care of me.

[@cherylcobern4483]

FAMILY of birth MEMBERS! Yes!! Both toxic and enablers.. different members. Hubby is an enabler ... has never stood up for me.

[@haleykohal7907]

Your nice friend wanted a “happy and blissful party” - so she denied all reality at your emotional expense, allowing your confusion and experience of “incongruence” to fester. So glad you stayed for dessert! Haha I love your sense of humour and authenticity! You are enough. The knowledge and wisdom you share is your Love Letter Legacy to the World and Humanity - Thank you Dr Ramani, you are a beautiful and compassionate human. Leonard Cohen wrote a masterpiece song ANTHEM - it has been the best music therapy for me - maybe you or others in our community have or will appreciate it too. I play the KZbin 9:34 minute version with the lyrics - and let his words and music soar and heal - “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” Thank you and Happy Holidays Dr Ramani and everyone here. Haley

[@lane6216]

Your kindness put you on her radar. If it were me, I would have smiled and joined in calling her silly as your friend did. That would have been the biggest sting because she would have taken it differently from you, and she couldn’t say anything since her friend started it. Sometimes you need to fight fire with fire and get little private joy out of the bad situation.

[@ip3931]

I need a protective, kind, loyal bodyguard with the knowledge of narcissism that Dr Ramani has so that I can be okay.

[@ip3931]

PS aww Dr Ramani you look so snug with your blanket ❤

[@hoosiergirl6344]

I have come to realize that my parents and brother are all narcissists AND enablers to each other. It makes so much sense to me. I never fit into my family and always was an outsider. I'm not adopted, I was just always more emotional and empathetic than them. I stand back now and see how they go back and forth enabling each other to continue to support this toxic family environment. So weird. I have mostly withdrawn from this system and this has caused so much upheaval bc I'm not participating anymore. It is more peaceful and I'm happier having withdrawn but it has definitely caused issues in the system. They say things like, 'I feel bad you're all alone.' Not seeming to understand that I'm not. And when I am alone it is by my choice. And they say that for them, not me. They feel bad!? Why? So sick and toxic.

[@keithstewart7514]

Story dittos

[@beautyinthedark7406]

I would’ve checked the rude person asap, left the party and mentally end the friendship with with the enabler by keeping my distance. We can’t be friends because now I see you differently. I feel the enabler can be worse because they keep the BS going.

[@macelvee]

Something similar happened to me multiple times from March 2020 until May 2022. I had little option to attend events because they were centered around my daughter. What I discovered is that so called "friends" are far from it. Most are enabling snakes who lick the boots of the narcissist. Now that the daughter is an adult, I'm not forced into as many of these situations. Honestly, when I must socialize, it's like walking into the Coloseum to face a horde of demonic gladiator ghouls. Armor up! Stay frosty! Battle on!

[@websurfer5772]

Sounds like Dance Moms.

[@macelvee]

@@websurfer5772 🤣 considering 2 of the 3 are flamboyant gay men, you aren't too far off! 🤣

[@websurfer5772]

@@macelvee Okay, that's not what I meant. I was talking about the TV show but lol!

[@dgexpressllc7450]

There is a old Cuban saying that says- "Tell me who you hang around with and I will tell you who you are"

[@annereed9568]

Also the other thing about it is, if you sort of nicely try to challenge the person, it gets thrown back on you oh you're just too sensitive oh you're just so negative you just internalize everything, believe me I grew up with this kind of crap.

[@chayo4537]

Hmm 🤔 the irony

[@ToureTaylor]

Since 2023, my hate for enablers grew near the same level as the toxic (narcissistic) people in my life. In 2024, that hate exploded beyond the actual toxic people including narcissists. This was also the same year I started opening up a lot more. These people don't deserve any of your respect even if they're your parents. Because, a common bull-crap argument I hear from enablers is, that is your parents, or they gave you the gift of life. They say these to guilt-trip and gaslight you indirectly as if they are trying to rationalizing these toxic narcissistic behaviors and saying that the narcissists can walk all over your boundaries as much as they want. This society needs more awareness on this topic regardless. I'm currently progressing to getting my own place and making up an estrangement plan. It's going to be a war against the trauma-bond.

[@tomchurch2285]

Dealing with nice people who enable malcontented ones can add a different dimension to “niceness”! I commend you Dr. Ramani, for remaining at the party while being the bigger person - and for leaving early!

[@CYSYS8993]

Remember that enablers enable narcissists not by rewarding them, but by manipulating how YOU see them.

[@MustafaAli-kt3zb]

This sweet lady is precious beyond words ❤️🥰❤️

[@matthewatwood207]

I have no empathy for people maintaining the status quo anymore. Too many lives are destroyed and too many people are literally killed by it. I tell them, and often tell off the narcissists. My life is already over due to narcissistic abuse, so I have nothing left to lose.

[@danettem614]

There is no way in heck I would have been able to tolerate that toxic woman's verbal assault as you have. I have so much rage towards people like that. If it were me, I would have spoken my mind in a brash way and stormed out of the event pissed off. How can one be expected to keep their cool in a situation like that? How were you able to? All of my past trauma sits inside, and when triggered, I lose my cool. Why are we passively accepting these toxic systems? I am so angry at the world!!

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

I’m with you friend! Call that shit out before it corrupts more souls. 💪👍😊

[@farmcat3198]

That sounds like a lose-lose proposition. None of the other folks in attendance would have agreed with you or taken your side. They'd only spread nastier gossip about you behind your back. The best move is to politely, and cheerfully move on. It's extremely hard to do.

[@WistleWhileYouTwerk]

@@farmcat3198 this scarcity mindset is what many of us are letting go of. Who tf cares what others were going to say. They were the same people watching this lady verbally accost Dr. Ramani. No more tiptoeing around toxic people in the name of ‘what it might look like’. These people are shameless and don’t care at all about their treatment of you. She’s absolutely right, so respond the way that she just detailed.

[@joshuaanzalone2060]

@aubrey I called my father and his wife out in the most calm way ever. It felt sooooo awsome.

[@farmcat3198]

@@WistleWhileYouTwerk You'd have no effect other than to make yourself look worse; you'd fall into the trap.

[@Ikaros23]

Alot of the enablers often have alot of narcissistic traits. They are often addicted to attention ( narcissistic supply), , The need for a facade, the lack of a autentic personality, little empathy. They might don`t have NPD, but they are highly toxic. The enablers also often gaslight, gossip, and have a mindset of " psycofantism" . That is they " play the game", with the only aim of " fitting in". Beware of talking to enablers about secrets or information that is privat. This will go strait back to the narcissist. They are not " Good" or " nice". The only difference is that they are not as deranged and insane as the narcissist. remember that we owe the enabler nothing. They are never going to have our back

[@boikanyok7314]

You exercised such an enormous restraint. If I was in such toxic environment; I would have left after the first mean altercation and never to come back. To add a cherry 🍒 on top; I would have been open with my nice friend about how I feel about his/her narcissistic cult leader. As for these "nice ensblers"; I don't really make room once I learn that they tolerate such toxic relationships. Sorry!

[@TheTonibotes]

@drramani, please don't let the old voices in your head and pick you apart the same way our abusers do. Your channel and insights have helped me and I'm sure many thousands of other survivors immensely; more than any pretty dress ever could! ❤