5 Reasons Why You Still Love the Narcissist

[@doublelibra357]

“You’ll never be #1 with the narcissist because that spot’s already taken.” You crack me up with that dry delivery, Dr Grande!😂😂😂

[@anesu6391]

😂😂😂

[@EV-zv4wc]

Lol

[@patriciarussell4111]

5 years later... I think of him. Yet he was only a Illusion.

[@k_dee9168]

#2 isn't that bad 🤔

[@shanineedwards6894]

So who is no. 1?

[@sianmegginson8110]

It feels like self abuse being attached to a cruel narcissist.

[@stevie3424]

What's not talked about is how your own mind abuses you after the breakup. Like they're still in your head

[@dienowplzkthx]

that's exactly what it is, and realizing it is what they mean by taking responsibility, and it makes it so much easier to avoid repeating the same mistakes!

[@AdamStephenTaylor]

Those hooks get in very deep.

[@bellebelle7532]

It is!

[@irisharan3038]

The love bombing is definitely very powerful. I was love bombed very intensely for the first three months and spend the best part of a year trying to get past the cruelty and back to those golden days. I have to remind myself the idealisation phase is all part of the cruelty and manipulation.

[@myrahouse2368]

Aran McGrath I was love bombed for around 7 months I believed he ( we) where perfect. He devalued me so suddenly it blind sided me. He hoovered me x3 timesheet never seemed go away properly often texting etc.

[@027betz]

yes, i had a boyfriend who was super romantic, gave me the biggest bouquets and gifts, proposing to me, only to be getting hitched to another girl behind my back while he continued a relationship with me. such a traumatizing experience i'm still grappling with how to recover.

[@ENFPerspectives]

I find superficial charm annoying and fake.

[@nigelcarren]

@@027betz Best of Luck Mimi. I hope you find a guy who will MAKE you a gift one day instead of buying the flowers etc... which as you know, can take less than a minute to order. The handmade gifts, even if it is just a handmade card, these are in my experience the BEST indicators of TRUE invested feelings... Somebody took the time. 🏆

[@andersa3448]

I was also lovebombed in the beginning. First time we met, I walked on eggshells. Then I didn't know why...

[@gulliver7419]

It is my understanding that Narcissists do not love themselves but have such a core sense of shame and self-hatred that they can't look at themselves, it's too painful. They then look for others that tend to make them feel and look good (often codependents who are adept at making others feel good - it is indeed, a match made in hell). The problem is the minute the person they have chosen shows them their imperfect, human side, it brings up the narcissists core shame. They will verbally attack and punish you for making them experience their core shame. Because narcissists are often lacking in empathy, they will often let you down, not show up or treat you badly when something is in their best interest, it doesn't matter how much it hurts you. A very, very painful relationship. Run for your life.

[@shanidrees1038]

I genuinely believe if someone ever loved you a little or cared for you a little, they will at a minimum treat you with respect if things don’t work out. Unfortunately narcissistic people will block you as if you don’t matter. We should realise they are just selfish self centred who infact suffer every day with their insecurities. Almost all of them have even toxic relationships at all levels not just romantic partners.

[@SenSakura-dj6bq]

I don't want to have anything to do with my abusive ex. I definitely do not want to treat her with any care or respect and I want to forget that I ever loved her. If I could I would completely erase her from my mind.

[@OnsceneDC]

I'm going through the throes of this now! You fall in love with the attentive, charming, seemingly giving person they were in the beginning. When things go south, they turn it back on. And it's easy to get hooked. It's hard to let go of that "high"!

[@thelightshinesinthedark]

Like that you used the word "throes"! So appropriate lol

[@Bree_skywalker]

I find it easier to accept my ex never loved me. The triangulation with the woman he was seeing for almost a year behind my back was unbearable. When I found out the truth, he explicitly told he that he didnt care about me and was unphased by my hurt. People fall out of love all the time but if you cared for someone at one point, making them feel like they never mattered is something you care to refrain from doing.

[@nolwandledlamini8027]

I agree no normal person says that only sick twisted people we fell in love with....My husband told me I deserved it cause I checked his phone and found out he was cheating.....in my normal world the issue is cheating not that I checked his phone

[@givegodthanks]

I went through the exact same thing, I walked away but he blamed me and said he was teaching me a lesson, it hurt to feel used then dump like garbage.

[@westcoastvibes1193]

New person M my ex narc never said anything to me about snooping on his phone or laptop. I think he secretly wanted to see me upset. I should of just left and ghosted him.

[@Sirie7206]

Although I never caught him cheating, I’m pretty sure he did because when we broke up for the 6th time, he was already dating other women and sleeping with them. He wanted me to know he had been with other women. Whenever we broke up, he already had back up.

[@jenniferbourgeau49]

@@Sirie7206 let me be honest, the reason why these types of people do these things to other people who actually give a s*** about them is because they have no soul. Animals have souls and animals do you cry these type of people have no feelings of empathy whatsoever these people have no souls. So a soulless person only cares about what they can get from anyone even from the people they cheat on you with. They don't care about anybody. And let me tell you coming from where I'm coming from there's narcissistic people that are homeless and there's narcissistic people in the US government and beyond. They're everywhere.

[@melmel8907]

“What somebody feels may not be love.” 1. It’s how humans are wired. We miss them when we are away. 2. Superficial charm. But not a lot of depth that go away. Love bombing. Grand gestures. Memories of these can make u miss them. 3. Narc traits can make u feel love even if they are destructive. Jealousy can make you feel wanted and loved. 4. Traits that narcs have can make you feel good. Like they have good looks. Humor. Good listening. 5. They remind you of a Narc in your life. Parent. Family member.

[@BiscuitHead22]

I was at such a low point in terms of self esteem that this person's financial and emotional exploitation made me feel like i was significant to them, it made me feel seen when I felt invisible. That's messed up.

[@Ikaros23]

Trauma makes people love the shallow fantasy. real health is the abillity to love a real person who is good bad and ugly.not just a perfect mask

[@gabriellagodsent9012]

Thank you for taking the time

[@bernitacenteno1326]

@@BiscuitHead22 Yes but, you arn't suppose to blame YOURSELF FOR WHAT THE PREDATOR DID WHEN THEY TARGETED YOU AS THEIR PREY. PERIOD.

[@dorothysmith7226]

@@BiscuitHead22 this happened to me too!! felt so low this person rescued me and made me feel the best about myself from such a bottom low depression and sadness i was in and they knew I was going thru that and I felt like they picked me up off the floor after everyone else had walked all over me like I was part of the floor not even knowing I was there???

[@ChrisKadaver]

This explains why I 2 years later and having a new relationship, still dream about my ex every night. She was too destructive so I had to leave. But still I have never missed someone this much ever. It kind of sucks pretty bad.

[@KandyKoatedKrafts]

You are probably trauma bonded to her, unfortunately….

[@TheGwennyGreen]

7 years 🥲

[@PiscesinVa]

27 years with him divorced two years and I feel your pain❣️

[@HighTopMyers]

Imagine how your current relationship would feel reading this…you sure you aren’t the narcissist here?

[@ChrisKadaver]

@@HighTopMyers I might be. But I'm trying to compensate for that by being the best partner I possible can be taken the circumstances. My current girlfriend also know I'm in like a "trauma bond state". She also comes from an abusive relationship and I bet she misses her ex in some twisted way. He was a pathological liar and stole money from her family buisness. Then he died from untreated diabetes and when she went to the funeral she found out that a bunch of other woman was in a relationship with him at the same time she was. And this funeral took place like two years after we got togheter.

[@loliemanda9025]

Better from a distance, genius point!

[@SilvaMorasten]

yeah and very sad point when realize that people who see a narc from distance don't believe what you see from the closeness

[@feelgood2343]

I used to say to him: “I think i’d rather miss you” well... missing him sucks worst, i’m forgetting why i left, you know, in my heart.

[@treefrog0826]

I have to say I needed this video. My marriage was pure hell, No way would I want to be around my Covert Narcissist there is definitely no going back. But I do still miss her, Maybe because I married a girl just like my Mom. Yes this video helped me understand some of the feelings or thoughts I still have, But most of all THANK GOD I AM IN THERAPY.

[@battleofwills7189]

Did you ever feel like, because you're a man, you had to make the effort no matter what? Even thought that effort was never reciprocated.

[@treefrog0826]

@@battleofwills7189 The effort I put in was because I loved my ex-wife and probably always will. Only when I saw the mask fall off did I get it. Up till then I wanted it to work when the mask feel off I knew it was over

[@pamelasalinas2210]

@Susel yup completely agree.

[@latinaalma1947]

So glad to hear the therapy is helping.

[@saltyarmyberzerker]

My wife is a drug addict (heroin, fentinyl and meth) vulnerable (covert) narcissist with paranoid personality disorder. Yeah....hell, but I still love her. Can't live with her, but still love her.

[@SophieBird07]

They love what was. It’s hard to come to the realization that you can’t get the charm phase back.

[@Ikaros23]

most often they dont come to the realization and just find another narcissist.

[@jonathanecheverria414]

@@Ikaros23 i really hope that’s not true. I want a healthy relationship.

[@Ikaros23]

@@jonathanecheverria414 First the bad news. 1: you can never change the narcissist!. 2:If you have been in realationship with MORE than just one narcissist you truly have co-dependency dissorder. By this i meen it`s not just they who are crazy, its also you who have a dissorder that makes you vulnerable to abuse. The good news is that you can go to CBT therapy and fix the problem. Also see PTSD ( trauma from the abuse, and maby also abuse from childhood). And again this MAY be the case. but if there is a pattern where you always end in relationship with narcissist and people who have anti-social personality dissorder than there is almost 100% correlation. And AGAIN it is cureable!

[@jonathanecheverria414]

@@Ikaros23 i have only been in a relationship with one narc. I haven’t gotten into a relationship for 3.5 years since. I seem to be attracted to men with narc traits but don’t usually get into relationships with them. It’s surprising that I can tell the difference between an asshole and a narc. I won’t say which family member they all remind me of but there is a correlation there. I do need all the forms of therapy in which you suggested.

[@Ikaros23]

@@jonathanecheverria414 Im not a therapist, but from what you are telling me you are not doing that bad. A totaly brainwashed and traumatised co-dependent usualy just blame themself and even have problems remembering what happend in the past. And yes there is a difference between a asshole and a narc. The grade of " assholism" goes from 1-10 and pure narcissism is having at least 8-10 of the traits where 9-10 is 100% narcissistic personality dissorder. But always remember. Even if a person is " just a asshole". Abuse is abuse. It dont matter " why" they do it. And systematic abuse is always a problem. If you have them in your life the first thing you need to do is to have FIRM boundarys. You can google " boundarys and codependency/narcissism" and you find ALOT of information. The second is that if they dont respect them after 3-4 strikes then you simply cut them out of your life. You dont need to explain yourself just simply cut them out and ghost them. You dont need to explain why you need your mental health and health. The same goes for drug addicts/alcoholics and people with compulsive addictiv behavior like gambling/shopping money they dont have etc. Sett firm boundarys and if they dont respect them then cut them out. trust me you will feel ALOT better. And you dont need to worry about feeling lonely, in reality they never SAW YOU.

[@noonereally4798]

You don’t really love them, you still love who you thought they were in the first 2 months.

[@janefinley-english9695]

I love that you said love & manipulation can happen at the same time. I feel it is difficult to understand that when you are in the relationship. Post 12 years, it becomes apparent. Thanks for a great video as always! ♥️✌🏽

[@theconfessionsofahebrewisr2975]

These relationships are so hard to let go of and to get over. You think it would be simple, especially when you are aware of narcissism but unfortunately, awareness sometimes still doesn't prevent you from falling victim or still loving the narcissist.

[@crankfrank3274]

Very true

[@elisamastromarino7123]

Also, it seems to me that with certain narcissists, your adjectives toward them and what they've accomplished or otherwise think is great, will never be enough. Example: "Nice!" Even said with emphasis will never be as adequate as "wow, dude! You're the awesome sauce of my eye! I just can't stop doing enough cheers for your majestic work!" 🤗 Seriously. You can't win with these people. Just get your best tennis shoes on and run like hell. Thank you Dr Grande. 🌹👍

[@epicmercury333]

This is, tragically, true.

[@jeffday9147]

I agree, there's the lack of an inner self showing its face

[@RJ-cs9gz]

Yep, it's like endless fault finding, you bat one away but they're ready to pitch you another at every turn, 'straight off the bat!'

[@territaylor2732]

Brilliantly said 👀

[@jonathanecheverria414]

Lol more like they’re the onion 🧅 and lemon 🍋 sauce of my eye 👁

[@genevievemead6792]

This video really does explain why a Narcissistic person is difficult to walk away from and also forget completely.

[@galacticambitions1277]

Thank God someone said it - that people with a narcissistic style personality can actually be capable of love. I've not heard anyone else say it and it's so important as if you don't accept that then you can drive yourself crazy wondering if you imagined all of it. In some cases, I'm sure the narcissism is so extreme it is all only self-love, but sometimes it's a mixed picture and you need to know that it was partly genuine.

[@ellenfalls1330]

Very, very spot on. I had more attention from my narcissist than I had ever had in my 18 years. This led to a 40 year obsession lasting decades after I never saw him again. Mind boggling. Truth is stranger than fiction.

[@selkoa8384]

Ellen Falls I still love him even if did and said bad things .

[@victoriabutler1753]

Oh i can relate so bad😭

[@dorothysmith7226]

he was so charming like no other can ever be I think?? always Wil have a special soft spot for him in my heart?? can't erase it?? it happened??

[@catherinewylie6959]

The cognitive dissonance is hard to reconcile with what we really wanted to happen and what seemed to be happening than what actually happened when they turned cruel, manipulative, and even potentially violent (making comments about hitting me in the end...That was enough of that! Ran straight away and realized the guy is so disordered he can't really care about anyone, not even himself. )

[@cyndigooch1162]

@@dorothysmith7226 It's been nearly five years since I saw my last sociopathic narcissistic ex and I thought that I'd always have a soft spot for him, yet it's faded away, especially after he admitted that he was only using me and certainly didn't love me. I'm thinking that it might happen for you as well and I found that grieving, even for the wasted time and energy, helped immensely. ❤

[@s.w.9936]

Great choice of topic. We crave your knowladge, thank you!

[@kathrinjohnson2582]

Literally! 😁

[@deenawilliamson5854]

My kids and I are still so affected by my ex narc to this day.. after 9 years of leaving him, it's been a horrible life long mistake that I have made. Hope others see videos about narcissism before it destroys any more families.

[@maunder01]

You are referring to a OVERT narcasisst. Love is an action... Not a feeling. The "love" you are referring to is infact termed "LIMERENCE" and only lasts usually to 3 years. The narcasisst often does remind us of a parent etc... "Familiar love". Which is infact very unhealthy. Thank you for an interesting video.

[@TheAshMcG]

Thank you Dr. Grande! I have lived with one (Grandiose) for over 10 years. He is a different person behind closed doors. It has been a totally draining experience with mind boggling mental trickery, deception and lies that are so extreme, they are hard to believe a person can live this way. We are scheduled to separate (never married). I am ready for a new beginning without the mental abuse, phony pretending we are couple in public and gas lighting.

[@preciousvicious9025]

I know dear.. i know

[@latinaalma1947]

Take heart you are,going to be fine going forward in a new life.

[@TheAshMcG]

@@latinaalma1947 Thank you for the kind words. It has been over a year and I finally moved out and moved on. There has been some hoovering....but I am fiercely determined to end these games that have been very a detrimental to my joy and well being. Blessings.

[@territaylor2732]

Dr Grande, I hope your making some serious coin for all this hard work, your quality information is pealing back the confusion and congestion in our minds, and all at the click of a button, 😲 I v had 30 years of counseling and NEVER felt this empowered, in the short time of watching your videos I am so ready to call it a day on this diabolical marriage, I feel so ready for freedom 👣

[@Marcelube]

Thank you, Dr Grande. I wish this video existed 11/2 years ago. But it's still totally valid to know and understand what happened/s when it happens, because those are such abstract, invisible and unbelievable concepts most times, especially when your cognition is close to zero, after we give our superego away to a malignant Cluster B. Congratulations on the 100,000 subscriptions! May it be 100 fold!🙏🙌💕💕💕💕💕💕🍀😎

[@AliceDont888]

Thank you for the excellent insights, Dr. Grande. I have been in a four-year relationship with a narc. I don't know if it's completely over yet. I'm still working on it. It's not easy for an empath to give up on someone. Wish me luck!

[@susanpelletier1195]

I’m in the break up stages after 2 1/2 years and three previous break ups. This time what he did was really messed up and he abandoned me when I was a few days after a serious back surgery. That was the turning point, but oddly if I knew he could change, I would take him back in a minute. It was the lack of empathy, the lying and the grandiose personality that put me over the edge. good luck everybody. It’s not easy, is it?

[@notetoself5474]

I came here today to try to understand why I still love her. All your examples except two hit the nail on the head. Thank you!

[@riblets1968]

This was very thought provoking as my attraction to my ex narc had no rational explanation in light of who she turned out to be. The idea of transference may make the most sense as in my case the other person she reminded me of was her. Let me explain: I first met her in childhood and I was captivated by her charm, apparent friendliness, and demeanor. She was about 12 and I was about 10. Then she disappeared for a while before we met up again as teenagers when I was 16 and she was 17 and 18. The traits of the girl still existed but this time there was an added sexual component, which really threw me for a loop at that time. That aspect of our relationship never got fully realized because of my shyness and our relationship's slow progression, however. She eventually moved away for college and I never saw her again. That is, until 25 years later. We met again and formed an actual romantic relationship that time. Of course, she turned out to be psycho and I had to break it off but it's hard to reconcile those feelings of love and attraction to somebody I met so long ago with her bad behaviors and my protracted discovery of her true nature. Your talk gives me a lot to think about and I appreciate your publishing it.

[@keegsmum]

Actually, I don't still love the narcissist. And I definitely do not miss this person. I am relieved to be free from the daily pain and moving away was the right thing to do to reduce any risk of contact. I just have no feelings at all for this person any more. Generally, just a sense of numbness towards this person. I totally get that this person never really loved me, but loved manipulating and exploiting me. I no longer take this personally because it is not about me.

[@anjachan]

Im still hurt ... but I also never want to see this person again ...

[@lisaa.4667]

I stayed too long with a person who had some strong narcissistic traits, probably because my self esteem was low and he made me feel better about myself. He also had a great sense of humor but, looking back, he could never really laugh at himself. However, the verbal abuse later on, his criticism of my family and friends, and the way he treated others turned me off. I eventually fell out of love for him during the relationship, but still couldn't leave because I was in love with my first impression of him- his wit, intelligence, helpfulness, etc. At that time, I started seeing a counsellor and began to realize that I was in love with an idea, and not him. I'm so glad this is long behind me and we didn't get married.

[@stevengreidinger8295]

I hope that in the time since you wrote this post, you've moved on even more. I would suggest, though, that numbness is a feeling in itself, and you might need to prepare for your next relationship differently than your first. I hope you continue to give love a chance.

[@latinaalma1947]

You are in a very healthy place now...congratulations.

[@latinaalma1947]

Very healthy attitude....Sybil Francis Ph D psychologist

[@OriginalMeanGirl]

I think it's amazing that you take the time to make these videos. It took me years to understand what was happening to me and I finally left when my marriage counselor pulled me aside and told me to run. It took a professional willing to say what she wasn't supposed to say for me to finally have confirmation. You have a very kind demeanor and you explain things that are hard to put into words but I know other people need to hear it. The comments show how much mental health care is needed in order to understand certain situations. Thank you!!

[@bbeeaauu]

A possible reason I guess narcissism is more likely to develop in attractive people is because attractive people get away more easily with that kind of behavior.

[@angelac3788]

Four years and one child out and this title is horrifying. Love YOURSELF! There is NOTHING there to miss...other than what you weren't supplying yourself. That said, I do remember that period. Trauma bonding - yes. But mostly, I think it is just REALLY hard to accept that the person you fell "in love" with never existed. Nothing was what it seemed. Shocking and horrifying. Like an out of body experience...what was THAT? It was like a death. I think it is just a lot of trauma...you just sometimes revert to thinking of that person as they were in the first 6 months or so. Fun. Charming. Complimentary. Exciting. Childlike. Interesting. Trustworthy. Honestly, in many ways you fell in love with yourself. DO IT AGAIN!!!!

[@erisQ23]

Angela C I've got something in my eye. It's a lie. It's the tugging off of his disguise. It's the realization that I was yet unwise. It's the lowest of lows in the bucket filled with the highest of highs. It's also my pride. It's that he had so much to hide. It's that i couldn't let it slide. It's the thought of his big brown eyes. And it's this thing i prized as its innocence and purity dies.

[@mrs.reluctant4095]

100 percent agreement with what you say in this vid. The relationship forms a kind of illusion or even a delusion of love. A kind of almost perfect deception. It is quite a challenge to get out of the dungeon. But you helped me so much to get out of it, that I could kiss your feet!

[@carolynrisen6212]

Dr. Grande, your videos seem to be the most helpful of any I've seen, at least for my situation. I love your concise clarity and unabashed explanations which hit the nail on the head! It provides comfort to see these things explained, and this video on 5 reasons you still love the narcissist is probably the best of all of them...thanks so much for your caring work!

[@irenebuford8930]

Dr. Grande, a narcissist offers sickness, you are a nice man to point out that maybe the narcissist can love, but one thing that motivates me to remain in no contact is that a narcissist can not, will not and can never give real love to me... Everything about a narcissist is fake and temporary... 'Great Video'...

[@tuleybee2425]

I feel like I couldn’t see my exes for who they are . I fell in love with the idea of them . The reality was I wasn’t willing to see their narcissist side . My mother was a narcissist and I guess being with a narcissist seemed normal to me in an abnormal way . Hence the reason I’ve stayed single 3 years as trying to really work on myself and not attracting the same type . What do we do if we seem to only be attracted to narcissists ? Still think this is a problem for me . Nice people seem boring . I’m working on this .. I’m use to working for love as I had to work for it as a child and love has never been conditional but contractual. How do I change this programming of my past ..

[@lorianne4608]

Tuley Bee! I’m in the same predicament. I don’t understand myself either. I grew up with a narcissistic mother - no unconditional love. Always asking her to look at the picture I colored. I begged. She no look. That’s why I always wind up with a narcissist. You’re right ‘normal men’ bore us. Where’s that excitement of being validated? We feel like something is missing if we’re not trying to get their attention. This is the life we’re used to living. We must really work on ourselves because all of the drama associated with trying to get them to love us or try to get them to see that we’re special, will eventually make us sick. As we age, we will not be able to handle this drama. I’m 54 years old + had already serious health issues. So I’m working on not responding to his calls + restraining myself from calling him or going to his house. That will result in him berating me. I actually know this but yet I’m tempted to go. But I will not go. I want this stalking nonsense to stop. When do they stop? I started treating him the same way he treats me. He’s pretty much freaking out + I’m enjoying seeing his reactions to what he does to me. I should not feel that way but he’s hurt me so much and I wanted to just see how he reacted to being treated that way! I didn’t feel guilty either. He’s all confused with himself because I stole his role in the ‘relationship ‘. Your response to this video mimicks mine!! We should chat sometime! Respond to this if you would like to talk + share our thoughts about this. I have a feeling that our experiences will be similar!! Another weird feeling is that when I talked back to my mother, I would feel so guilty. Do you experience guilt? I wish you good luck in your life. You are too young to be miserable/happy with a narcissist. Be proud of yourself, as you should!! ❤️

[@SpiritualAttitudeSage]

@@lorianne4608 i also feel guilt.. i guess its the childhood programming we went through. i think the lovebombing gives us validation in an unhealthy way. and even if things get bad, we hope for it to come back

[@lorianne4608]

djanel_goldenmoon -- yes, you are right - it's in our programming. And for the same reason, it does feel validating when the love bombs came. They came - short + sweet. Never even more than four hours. He continues to attempt contact. As a last resort, he emailed me and I promptly blocked his email address. But - I can still feel the venom in the air. This is no way to live. I can't take it anymore. I don't like that guilty feeling either - but it's our sanities now on the line - mine is bad. I feel no direction + I wish this never happened.

[@michelekisly2535]

@@lorianne4608 yes. It is life changing...no matter who were your 1st Narcissists

[@PrettyIRL0926]

Omg my life

[@epicmercury333]

Thank you, Doctor. I'm going to have to listen to this video many times over; I can tell already. Thank you for at least giving me an intellectual framework to process through these powerful, tangled feelings. I believe she really did love me and still does. There is just, as you said, too much toxicity, and too much destructive behaviour to ever reconnect.

[@epicmercury333]

@@brusselsprout5851 More like number 45, behind strangers.

[@jeffday9147]

This, again, was an excellent analysis (I think). You rarely feel like KZbinrs want to transfer real knowledge and help people but I do with this channel There's a good joke about this in Seven Samurai when one extremely annoying character has followed the samurais for weeks, when he finally disappears one says 'I sort of miss him now'. It's human nature to miss whatever you're used to. Never trust the narcissist but don't accept your feelings at face value either

[@joychappell3817]

This helped me so much. I have struggled with this for a long time - especially the part about transference. Thank you for this analysis.

[@bellam7359]

This video really resonated with me. The bad definitely outweighed the good in my previous relationship. It helped me realise why I stayed as long as I did, apart from fear because he was abusive.

[@makinglimonade]

Congrats on 100k well deserved. I’m currently going through a divorce from a 14 yr marriage with my husband who I believe to have a cluster b personality disorder coupled with PTSD and mild TBI. We have 3 children together I’m still in love with him despite all the bad things he has done to me. I miss him and I can’t make myself stop loving him. I don’t know how to get through this. Thank you for making this video

[@williamp.hodgeakahodgecity4545]

Love your material, you said in this video "physical attaction is the largest single component of attraction regardless of gender" I didn't think women operated this way.

[@jaspreetb1547]

Woah. Thank you for saying they are capable of love but we will always be 2nd slot. You really explain it how it is 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@TheViolettowne]

I related to my narcissist mother and daughter. Unfortunately, I chose a narcissist husband and perpetuated this to the next generation. This was really helpful.

[@DonnaSnyder]

Thank you for your even handedness. Some of the other videos and articles on this issue don't have any subtlety, they say everything seemingly good about the narcissistic individual is a lie, that they are 100% evil. Every time I hear or read that, it only makes me feel worse about myself for having feelings about the narcissistic person in my life. This video I just saw is the first one I've seen that acknowledges that they might have true feelings, while still dominated by their narcissistic traits. I thank you for that. Your comments help alleviate some of my own self loathing and self excoriation. Thank you.

[@jaybeebabee]

Take good care of yourself, Donna. You‘re worth it!

[@DonnaSnyder]

@@jaybeebabee Thank you. Sometimes I just feel lost.

[@fooled_twice4668]

try not to let the narcissist's deep down feeling of hating themselves rub off on you! we didn't look down on ourselves as much as we did AFTER the N made us feel like we should. try to go back to how you felt BEFORE him. let's not give the N the power to make us feel anything- especially not BAD about ourselves. let them keep all that negative karma and energy to THEMSELVES! pretend the negative energy is something tangible, and they get to keep it during the breakup.

[@Lgray6504]

Another excellent video! My experience was that the first passive aggressiveness from my Vulnerable Narcissist after 3 years caused me to question whether I could still love him. It was as though someone threw a switch in my head: I immediately went from respecting and admiring him to feeling embarrassed for him and ashamed of him. I'm not sure what that says about me.

[@usualsuspects42]

I call it lucky

[@LUDMILA124]

I can't thank you enough. Today I finally understood clearly: My narc reminds me of my father so much...and here is the freaking think, amongst others, I told him one thing l heated most about my father (when he went somewhere as family and my father ignored us and walked ahead of us leaving us always behind) when my narc started the discarding fase, HE DID EXACTLY THAT TO ME ALL THE TIME. Here I start my healing thanks Dr. Grande

[@infpchill544]

How are you now:)

[@Estelle-Maureen]

If anyone ever tells you that they could have had anyone and they chose you... Run

[@lovelight2919]

Estelle A very true! They all say the same thing

[@lolapear4866]

Translation: You're the only one who puts up with my abuse and I'm still grooming the new naive one

[@jcrnda]

Thank you, that makes a lot of things fall into place. Specifically, the part on love projected by narcissist being love for herself. I felt like a pet she fostered from a dog shelter... In the end, toxicity and destruction out-weighted everything else I thought we had.

[@gingerpetito1500]

What a great video! I’m just listening to it now. Thank you Dr. Grande. Where you mention that a narcissist can love means the world to hear that. It’s been two years since I left him due to the triangulation and hurtful ways but there were times that I knew he truly loved me and there were times where I knew he hated me. It was like a black and white thinking. He was diagnosed bipolar with borderline and adhd. Smoked a lot of weed 24/7 which I believe totally messed him up. He also had a few TBI as a child and adult. I had to leave him due to the hurtful way but there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him. If only he continued getting help and taking his medicine. Now i love him from afar.

[@tylerfilming6826]

Thank you Dr Grande, for sharing your knowledge!

[@2legit2Kwit]

I believe dating a narc can warp your hormones and cause constant fight and flight, oxytocin, dopamine, etc that all have to level off. It takes time for these to go back to normal levels after being spiked for so long.

[@Adara007]

You've described my narcissistic parents completely. Thankfully I went into therapy for that decades ago. Congratulations on 100K subs! 🎉🍸

[@renep7008]

Thank you again Dr. Grande. Your videos are hugely enlightening and help in so many ways. A Request: If you haven’t already, then could you please do a video specifically on female narcissists, preferably The Female Vulnerable Narcissist, and how men are victimized by them. Thanks in advance.

[@iammaximus614]

Rene P, I concur Please include the Sudden Anger, Gas Lighting & Comparison from time to time coming from Women that exhibits these type of characteristics

[@RJ-cs9gz]

Seconded! Still rebuilding after that shitstorm👍🏽

[@renep7008]

Sisyphus J Same. Still rebuilding. And not just emotionally either. Job in jeopardy, (work performance & attendance), then digging out of a serious financial ditch as well. Late on rent, title loan on beloved truck, and no choice but to work overtime in order to dig out of this mess.

[@s.w.9936]

Yes yes yes we want that

[@user-qp6lj6gu7s]

This would be so useful, I see way too many men stuck in bad patterns where they are drawn to narcissistic women over and over until they give up and think everyone is like that (MGTOW). Of course some women do the same and think all men are bad instead (Feminism) - two sides of the same destructive coin.

[@leemoncuresmithrodriguez8341]

With all of the gaslighting, you never k ow when they will leave or come back!

[@NarcissisticAbuseRehab]

Just when I think this channel can't get any better I'm always pleasantly surprised by the new topics you cover. Superb!

[@renep7008]

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab Followers are going to be saying the same thing about you too in no time. Keep up the great work, and don’t forget us little people, when you get there. 👍

[@NarcissisticAbuseRehab]

@@renep7008 thank you so much! I'm humbled and so grateful for your support. Hugs x

[@myrahouse2368]

Thankyou so much your spot on!!! The Memory of the beginning the beautiful superficial charm is difficult to forget. 8 months we fell in love 😬 well I did lol he blind sided me the sudden devalue 🥺💔😳🤯 He went weird to say the very least 🤯😖 gaslighting and confusing a horrid time. The Disregard 💔 just not there physically but always there texting ???? 7 months on he’s still hoovering? I feel pity for him now and sad for myself that I got snared. He was the funnies man I’ve ever met he made me laugh a lot!!! he was a brilliant listener too. He texts love stuff still I have to delete and ignore it’s just sad ☹️

[@arabhisastri4831]

Thank you so much. I have been waiting for this.

[@teresabailey7874]

Wow! Powerful video, Dr. I appreciate the info, and wisdom. I remember my husband once telling me, at the start of our relationship, that he would "ruin me for anyone else". I didn't understand, at the time. And I thought it was an odd statement. But 25 years later, separated for almost 6 months, and he is still in my thoughts. He did a number on me! Thankfully, watching your vids, and many more like yours, and learning and analysing, things are getting better and better. 🥰

[@nolwandledlamini8027]

Teresa am 13 years with the narc. ....planning to leave in 2 years...trying to get kids in boarding school and be financially strong cause he made me leave my job 3 years ago😓.....talk about financial control....but your story gives me courage🙏.....I will be free of narc one day

[@jaydawgg4047]

This was a good video. I really liked the end of it. Where you say they are capable of love. All this stuff online saying they feel nothing and can’t love and their eyes going black such sensational crap and it’s the opposite of education. Your my favorite source dr. Grande. Your channel is about learning and not entertainment and it’s the best one I’ve found.

[@mystijkissler8183]

Great aspect, take, on the Narc. topic; the reason many of us are here is to discover what is the reasons we '"love" the narcissist.

[@jaybeebabee]

This is so on point! I‘m shocked how accurate Dr. Grande is, towards my own experience and reality. Today marks our anniversary, of my ex and me. It has been a very special day for me for years and is always extremely emotional. And yes, I think I still do love him, even after all the pain he caused. I don’t know why, as hard this day is for myself, but for some odd reason, this morning I got this Dr Grande video recommended, and he couldn’t be more accurate of what I was (and still am) am going through after my narcissistic ex all of a sudden left me and pushed me into a dark abyss of depression, anxiety and shock. Never in the world did I see this coming nor suspect anything, because generally I believe in the good of people and always try to see the positive in anybody. Not the evil, sick and twisted. And when we got engaged and planned for a baby, the ring and the wedding, never in the world did I expect such a sudden turn and separation or devaluation of my self as a loyal faithful partner, despite being always honest, integer and fully supporting, no matter what. I felt like being put onto the dumpster from one day to another, without any warning. But looking back, and if I am being really honest with myself, there were some minor signs or red flags throughout the relationship that he was „different, gaslighting and manipulating“ me from the start. But I was just too much in love with him to trust my gut feeling, that something was off and not right about this guy from the beginning. Many lies directly into my eyes, false promises, hurtful insults, painful devaluation and a couple years later I had to learn the hard way that I am worth absolutely nothing to him.

[@carolgirl29]

Very clear and interesting description. We often mistake love for other feelings. They can be great charmers.

[@darkamethyssst4723]

Respect Doc.. Iv been waiting 4 this one 2 drop..

[@laetitiastrydom4470]

Thank you Dr Grande.Your videos help in so many ways.You have no idea.

[@jamietaylor3525]

Dr. Grande, this is the most accurate breakdown of narcissism and narcissistic relationships I have seen thus far. I have recently come through the other side of a relationship with a narcissist and to say I have been badly scarred is an understatement. I discovered he was a narcissist when I stumbled upon an article about gaslighting. As I read the article, I realized that throughout the relationship I had been a victim of gaslighting. He used the most typical phrases, “you’re just sensitive”, “you’re just overthinking things”, “it didn’t happen like that”. It was as though he himself had written the textbook on how to gaslight someone. When I ended the relationship, I felt free. Like I could start a new and easy life without him. It wasn’t until I discovered that just two months after our four year relationship had ended, that he had found another girlfriend. I was heartbroken. I think I still am. Perhaps you can elaborate on the narcissistic perspective after a relationship and why it is easy for them to move on. Thanks.

[@dawngriffith3668]

Yes, indeed! The hurt, toxicity and chaos in a relationship with a narcissist outweigh their love for people, like me, who divorce after a long marriage. They do love and engender love from others. Maintaining one's bearings after a breakup is very difficult. Once you say to someone after you've divorced them that you still love them your credibility is questioned. The listener wonders, "Well, why did you leave? He wasn't that bad." You have to be very strong to maintain the incongruent facts. Dr. Grande, a topic for discussion could be about the fallout with adult children who stay loyal to the narcissist and discredit and hate the parent who made a healthy choice to leave the marriage.

[@kgt9925]

Really fascinating! I've been recovering from a narcissist for quite a long time.

[@karenkuske5567]

Whoa...omg....you just went over the "father figure"!!! Holy crap... I've been telling my minister about this feeling!! There was tons of spot on info in this video... confirmation after confirmation. Thank you!

[@coralfang12587]

You're videos especially have really helped me after recently divorcing a narcissist, I wasn't sure about it, thinking he may have narcissistic traits bc although undiagnosed we think he has bpd, and he may, but GOSH. You're examples and straightforward, non judgemental way of explaining this stuff has made me realize that 99% of pretty much everything you say is true in my experience, now that I have *a little* but of distance and breathing room from my ex husband. And that is starting to feel like an acceptable settle for the closure I know I can never get from him, because I can't believe a single thing he says. It helps me realize that although I have many, some blaring, flaws...that I did the best I could and I tried and held out for so long, and that I am way to forgiving since even now I am nice and pleasant to hi 😅 and that the things he says to me aren't necessarily factual or true. So thank you, truly. Being in/leaving a narcissistic relationship, or even toxic in general, can be such a overwhelming, confusing, mindfuxk of an experience that leaves people all used up so it's hard to remember how bad it got or even have the strength to get out in the first place, and your videos really have helped me have clarity, validation, and insight on a time that's so foggy and currently dealing with the fallout. So keep at it.! You're a legend!

[@Nellykir]

So true! I wish I had listened to this video..15 year ago! :))) I had a back and forth relationship with a narcissist... and yes, affection, attention, flattery is very captivating. Yet, in the end it's all just that - grand gestures and words. Yes, he kept talking about how everyone around me were so toxic for me, how they were using me, and how he is the one to open my eyes to all of this. While in fact he was just so jealous all the time, always accusing me that I can just run off with the first good looking guy who'd come along. Boy, did his ego need lots of attention! I was constantly reassuring him that he was good enough for me, that I do want to be only with him...Yet, he'd never commit, although he talking about marrying me A LOT. There was "always something" that interfered with my his ability to fully commit and take the next step in the relationship. So I would get fed up with the cycle and leave the relationship....and he'd always become the victim, the abandoned one, the martyr...because his love for me was so grand he couldn't move on, he kept blaming me for abandoning "us".. The memories and the distance did make my heart start longing for him, wanting to give him one more chance...The relationship would start off great again, until the cycle repeats itself. After 2 years of this craziness I realized just how toxic the relationship was, how insecure he really was...and how much work I need to do not to attract this kind of rollercoaster again. I am so glad I left and did the work! Fast forward 12 years.... we accidentally reconnected, and he started going on and on about this great love for me, how he wasn't able to move on, how he is forever ruined and how great we would have been together if I hadn't left him. I admit, I almost fell for it. :) Unfortunately, the more I tried to explain the toxicity of our past relationship the more he was becoming obsessed with the idea of how perfect we were for each other and how we might someday end up together somehow. Although, he never reached out all these 12 years.... He is still so in love with the idea of a perfect relationship and blames it all on his "rarest" quality of being just a hopeless and loyal romantic. It's very, very sad to see a person stuck in this cycle. Unfortunately, only they can help themselves. :(

[@mariarivero9567]

Very insightful and helpful analysis. I have experienced all of these reasons for loving my narc. Finally had to go no contact but took decades. Thanks for this important information and another great video Dr Grande!

[@rejaneoliveira5019]

Your videos on Narcissism are excellent. You have truly became an expert on this topic.

[@lzairong128]

"The love that the narcissist has for you can seem very strong, and seem very real... The problem here is that: it's a projection of love they have for themselves." When I watched here, I automatically have a 'throw up' gesture, so disgusting but so true..

[@lindyska]

But, my question is: aren't we supposed to love ourselves in order to love others? What's the problem? What ' s the difference between healthy self love and unhealthy self love? Is unhealthy self love exclusively directed to one's self?

[@lzairong128]

@@lindyska my opinion is: narcissitic self love is based on a selfish ego, in his/her mind only a big ego: I, I, I (Grammarly it should be me, me, me, I think, but here I'd rather use I to express how inflated his/her ego is). There's no space considering others, empathy for others, everything they do, and things that others did/do for them, all of it is for their ego: I'm great, I only want to get my desire satisficed, I don't care other people's need, if somebody (or doing) is (can be) useful for me, I'll take it.

[@kamistormcelestekennedy]

Very GOOD!!! And so true... The memories, exactly!!

[@hectorprado9229]

Well said Doc, you couldn’t have ended it better. THE BAD OUT WEIGHS THE GOOD. I can relate and really appreciate this authentic video

[@krisztinakessel6869]

Congrats dr. Grande! You deserved it!:)

[@Kanooodledoodle]

Less than kind treatment... very delicately put. :)

[@annlvselvis972]

Excellent video, as always you dissect the topic like no one else. The good you do cannot be underestimated and the time you take is much appreciated, thank you..

[@jensanchez3646]

My Grandma raised me, and she would love bomb me, and dicard me. It hurt so bad. It's still happening, and it's breaking me. I need advice, but I don't have money or anyone I can talk to. I appreciate you helping me understand what's happening. Even though i've seen the switch from "your my baby, my world, i'll do anything for you" to "don't need you, c-ya" so many times. The person I've known and loved my whole life is not who I thought she was. The love was fake, but I can't quit crying.

[@priyao5097]

Or the narcissist gaslights you into falling into false love with them by adamantly claiming that they know you’re secretly in love with them and don’t reciprocate your feelings (all while stalking you, keep provoking arguments with you, asking for your attention, etc.) it is so crazy making and manipulative.

[@unaburke1693]

Wonderful summary. "You'll never be number 1 cause...that slot's already taken... " Thank you Dr. Grande. I really appreciate your dead-pan sense of humour. Entertaining and insightful as usual :)

[@demonkingpiccolo6667]

Narcissists are drawn to empaths and very empathetic/compassionate people, they love bomb, mirror your values, have you hooked, mask drops, gaslighting, repeat.

[@demonkingpiccolo6667]

Covert narcissists are the hardest to spot

[@susanasusana4238]

Thank you. It is great video. I have never heard the last point!! I was 20 years married to a Narcissist and I a am recently out of a another similar relationship. Is incredible the love they show the infatuation althoigh this time I was more sceptical, I thought it was all over the top and too soon to be real, felt and told him I felt like I was observed intesly like a lab project I still fell for it And as I started to relax this 56 yo man dumped me by phone. Never before. . At the end though something clicked and I decided that he was scarimgly reminding me of my father a person that I absolutely adored like God. Such a painful realisation. Thank you

[@kathrinjohnson2582]

Yay! Just when I got out of work a new video! I can start using my brain again! Thank you 🤗

[@janmarcha3332]

Better at a distance and superficial charm but lacking depth.. I couldn't agree more.👍👍👍👏👏👏

[@angelac3788]

And...thank you...I know people fresh out of the fire needed this one

[@jamnoise72]

‘Love! Should not make you feel lost and confused....if that’s how you feel then run...leave now whilst you still have yourself and time PLEASE listen to me. I wasted nearly 3 decades trying to ‘help’ him.... HELP yourself and LEAVE. You can’t change them BUT you can change yourself.

[@dvegas]

I have attracted multiple narcissists in my life and I have loved and always wanted the best for them. However, I realize I need to love myself more and put up clear and strong boundaries to end and avoid these relationships. They can shatter someone's self-esteem and leave a terrible feeling of remorse, even though I know it's best they are over. The emotional investment is very large with these individuals and I can equate this investment to feelings of love and hoping they would recognize this and improve. However, that has never been the case for me. Thank you to Dr. Grande for putting these videos together where people like myself can identify the traits of narcissists to repel any relationships with them in the future.

[@serendipitous_synchronicity]

Food for thought. Thank you Dr Grande 🐛 📚 🦋

[@blueorangeblossom]

I’m glad I listened. I have gone no contact but had trouble sleeping lately; I will spend time; hours at a time..thinking and this video popped up just as I was thinking about contacting him again. It’s true I think that it’s possible for them to love, so It isn’t always true what the other videos say-that the narcissist’s love is entirely fake. There is some realness to it at times, also yes there are many attractive qualities, even part of a checklist that I had in my head for a mate. But the bad does outweigh the good, and part of that was serious deception, cruelty and also gaslighting. The emotional manipulation that also brought me to tears, lack of insight, lack of empathy & hints of infidelity that are either attempts at psychological manipulation or triangulation, as well as the possibility of real infidelity. But however I have no real proof of physical cheating-I do however have a bad feeling-I can’t understand how I could just forgive someone for making me feel so badly. Cut it off; then second guess myself bc I miss them, or I still love them. If it is even love, maybe it’s just trauma bonding or an addiction, no one wants to be with someone who is deceptive and cruel and it is the worst type of partner to have especially if you want a family. If that person is abusive the fear would be it could only get worse, or children could be abused or used as pawns-or some other abuses would arise that were merely hidden during dating. I saw something on Instagram where a man was saying if you already know they have tendencies and a few evil traits why do you need to find out more? Does one really need an outright diagnosis of NPD to realize this is not a healthy relationship or something anyone should pursue? Still I find myself thinking perhaps I am wrong and perhaps I have judged too harshly or too soon. Or in his words “I continue to misconstrue” which I believe was his attempt at gaslighting. However I don’t appreciate being manipulated by being told my perceptions are wrong by someone so clearly deceptive-

[@meshalalshamsi8080]

Thank you for widening my views in some people characters. I learned a lot of things from your videos. Things i wish i have learned longtime ago. I was in love with a narcissist. The relationship was crazy, i knew somehow she was no good for me but in the same time I wasn’t able to break it off. She was intelligent, charismatic and very attractive, but very toxic in the same time. The relationship was always up and down and never normal. I remember one time when i wanted to break it she was surprised and tried to convince me that there’s nothing wrong in our relationship. A couple of month later she broke it off just so everyone knows that she’s the one who dumped me not the apposite.

[@OnsceneDC]

Dr. Grande- a lot of Cluster B relationships take on similar dynamics, and often present as narcissism, but there are also marked differences. It would be incredibly helpful if you are able to go through the common dynamics of all Cluster Bs (valuation/devaluation; manipulation, etc), and then the differences each disorder has. For those in a relationship with a personality-disordered person it can be confusing because some disorders are generally more harmful, less treatable, etc. I'm not suggesting that you teach everyday civilians to diagnose, but pointing to telltale signs helps us better navigate and ultimately make better decisions. One could probably argue that any untreated Cluster B is "toxic," but some are downright dangerous.

[@roberth.3705]

The implied 'dangerous' part is part of all of the confusion used for the abuser to assert control over the victim (for what specific reason becomes almost irrelevant: malicious, fear of abandonment etc) Once emotional blackmail, intimidation and threats (overt and/or covert) have entered the picture on a regular basis, it seems that one is in serious danger. The sheer physiological health impact staying in a relationship under implied threats is dangerous and damaging enough over time, even if no threats were to ever be acted upon by the abuser. If one decides to stay, one needs to be aware of the possibility that the partner is also already 'building a case' for a smear campaign (or even legal case) for when they leave/discard you or one leaves them as one just cannot go on anymore and has reached a breaking-point. In particular, I am thinking of BPD here, but cluster B more generally. The scary part is that the victim is exhausted, heart-broken, may still hold out hope and may then have to deal with a relentless onslaught and attack that one may have no energy or financial resources, nor will to deal with anymore. So yes, it can become quite dangerous. Finding strong, non-judgemental support is crucial.

[@prant8998]

One thing a lot of these experts don’t cover is the comorbidity of these bloodsucking vampires. We all want that tight definition, (especially Grande), but my guess is that in most cases it’s two or even ten different afflictions all working at different times. My little bundle of joy seemed like a BPD, but she never even pretended to miss me after I walked out. Most BPD’s have a fear of abandonment. But, she sure had most of the other attributes and some NPD and HPD. The Cluster B definition is general, but kind of fits. As for the danger issue. Once you see someone angry in a disproportionate way or just acting crazy. This is extreamly unsettling. The same would be true if the person was having a seizure. They seemed possessed. And, of course, their anger tantrum is directed at you. If you were out on the street, and you saw a stranger doing this, you would cross the street, or on subway, you would change cars. It’s the unpredictability factor. Will it escalate? Will they harm themselves or others? Will, you have to call the police? Will, you get arrested? There is a grown woman angry and screaming at you, most people would believe you did something to cause it. Needless to say, it’s a hard thing to accept of someone that you are in a relationship with.

[@angeliquerider-mitchell2538]

Recently I heard the way a narcissist wins you over is by reflecting you back to you. That they do this bc they really don't possess a deep, genuine identity of there own. So they mimic the best parts of - your values, your interests, your dreams and goals, etc. This was helpful for me after my husband passed away and I found myself hating and loving him simultaneously. It was frustrating and confusing. But based on this description I came to understand how our relationship happened in the first place but almost more importantly I realized that mourning the love lost wasn't needed bc I was the person I feel in love with and I was still here.❤

[@mamikilevia7371]

Do you write!!!!!!!!!!! Books??? I just found your channel and it speaks of narcissism and love!!! Interesting!!! Much needed Dr!

[@9999-m3g]

This is incredibly eye-opening!

[@hellhound1836able]

I’ve been a fan since you had 20k subscribers. Starting to pick up some traction now. Good for you Doc, you deserve it.

[@pocoeagle2]

Dr. Grande have you recognized that the number of subs on your channel has grown after reaching the 100K more as ever? I wouldn't be surprised that reaching a 200K is even so much more faster possible than you would have ever expected. Wouldn't that be great? Well one is for sure I think. You're going to be a even more very very busy man 😃

[@lisasmith516]

I tell interested people about Dr. Grande. Probably, some others do as well.

[@suzyq3225]

Thank you very much for this video! Narcissists can be multifaceted like anyone else... and its complicated. Your # of subscribers grows because we tell others about you. 👍

[@DrGrande]

You are quite welcome 🙂🙂

[@s.w.9936]

The title blew my mind