5 signs you should break up - IMMEDIATELY!!

The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith reveals the top 5 signs you may be in a toxic relationship and provides clear action steps to protect yourself. This 17-minute video could change your life.
Adam explains the painful costs of staying with a toxic partner - destroyed self-worth, trauma, stunted growth, isolation, lost freedom and identity, resentment and worse health.
He provides relationship advice on seeking outside perspective, reflecting on your own attachment patterns or childhood wounds that contribute, and firmly establishing what behavior you will no longer accept. 👉You have the power to change your circumstances.
Key topics:
-Toxic relationship signs
-Emotional abuse and manipulation
-Overcoming trauma
-Attachment theory
-Establishing boundaries
-Getting relationship help
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ
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Chapters:
0:00 - Introduction
1:00 - Sign #1: Emotional Manipulation
2:12 - Sign #2: Harsh Criticism
3:00 - Sign #3: Jealousy and Control
4:00 - Sign #4: Emotional Neglect
5:00 - Sign #5: Threats and Ultimatums
6:04 - The Hidden Costs of Staying
8:00 - Seek Support From Trusted Allies
10:13 - Reflect on Your Contributions
11:23 - Establish Clear Boundaries
13:06 - You Are Not Alone
15:42 - You Have The Power To Change

[@mayahabchi4127]

For people out there, who watch this and think 'but I love him/her' , I would like to say that after a 20 year relationship with a toxic man, what really convinced me to leave was seeing what his father had done to his mother and how she went from being an extremely beautiful happy woman to a mentally ill broken woman who just stopped taking care of herself, I just decided I didn't want to end up like her, you really don't see the picture when you are in it, me I was lucky to see how the future me would look like and I can tell you it's sad and scary, don't wait until someone kills your soul , put your own wellbeing above the relationship, I did it with the help of books and a life coach. I should have done many years ago, god bless you all ❤

[@darkrebel123]

All of this is so on point and relatable. I was in a 2 year relationship where I experienced almost every one of these things. I even became abusive back to her in an attempt to not become a complete doormat. It was a defense mechanism. Fortunately I eventually woke up and faced the reality that staying in that relationships had destroyed me, and was destroying her and her child. Ironically, in hindsight, I realize that I needed to experience this in order to change in some much needed ways. It actually helped me overcome some of my insecurities and fear of abandonment. Losing yourself is worse than losing the love you have in your life.

[@Stukkeman]

Your comment “I became abusive back” I understand is called “reactive abuse” and is very common when in relationship with someone with high narcissism/cluster-b.

[@darkrebel123]

@@Stukkeman I've never heard the that term, but yeah what you say makes perfect sense to me.

[@Stukkeman]

@@darkrebel123 Yeah, it was new to me as well, and explained much. It’s often what happens when someone’s relentlessly falsely baited, and then their reactive abuse becomes the abuser’s new focus to get the abused on the defensive. Really important to consider the lead in, not just the reactive abuse. Dr Ramani, among many others, has a lot to say about this.

[@BeckyJB]

❤❤❤❤❤❤ this was me… 15 years…and never again. Still in recovery for 6 years now. I’m taking a confidence course now.

[@conlitras3379]

This is a content goldmine, commenting for the algorithm

[@marcel5125]

Production value is going up. Very nice.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you're enjoying it!

[@michaelallen1154]

I must confess... I have exhibited 1, 2, & 4 in my past.

[@HaShomeret]

Thanks for the video. This video made me feel that maybe I could have a different relationship in the future. That even if this relationship was toxic I am working hard on myself and asking myself the hard questions my contribution to the toxic relationship and that's a big part of fixing my attachment and learning to set better boundaries in the future.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You can do it! Relationships do take several key skills, and once you master them, relationships become very simple. If you'd like some help in this process you're welcome to email me at [e-mail], I can share some ideas that can help

[@solutions4tenants141]

Wow that’s me! 22 years with the same man… no friendships were built in the new city I moved to 22 years ago, as it was all about the man I moved here for. Thanks Adam for another awesome video. I am finding new strength through your educational videos.

[@elburro215]

Wow listening to the part about the fear state literally made my heart start racing because of how she would do this to me

[@mayahabchi4127]

Thank you Adam, you are the best therapist I have ever seen online ! You explain things like no one else, thank you ❤

[@saurabh7667]

i feel truly sad for these people. thanks for these videos.

[@bethechange9762]

One month before lock down I began dating a toxic person…he managed to gas light me so badly (aided by the isolation of lock down) and in 6 months he almost entirely destroyed my life. It took me 3 years to recover from 6 months of terror (I believe now he actually had borderline PD)

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry you had to go through this experience. What has helped you recover?

[@bethechange9762]

@@AttachmentAdam Emotional literacy practice (journaling my emotions) and redeveloping a life of purpose/service

[@juhichaudhary3657]

And what about substance addiction? Alcohol etc.

[@Kathy-hg5km]

Perfect summarize and 100% true, knowing all by experience! Glad you do this tremendous important work! Your education videos are such a treasure! Thank you Alan 🙏🙏🙏

[@AttachmentAdam]

My pleasure!

[@alex-ff1mp]

being there; 1. I tried to talk with my family and they support her. This part was and is the hardest. Seams easy but is not.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Your family supports the partner who is harmful to you? What's the story here?

[@alex-ff1mp]

@@AttachmentAdam my family is hard on responsability and duty. Nevel lie! Allawys work! If you cannot sleep in 1 min means you are not working hard enough during the day. Never imagine that someone will lie/do something bad. If you are with someone that means is your (mine) reaponsability, for life. You are responsable for all the people arround you/need to help them to solve all the problems! Never be a subordonate but the manager, being the one that is responsable! I used to work 3 jobs, being in top 10% of earnings. Paying rent at home after 18. Fully supporting my education from my work. No drinking, no partying. Learn, work, sport. And then I was fascinated by the "free spirit". And she cheat me. And then refuse to eat, just lay there and refuse to leave. Promise to never drink or missbehave. I solved het issue, she stoped drinking, she advanced in the career. She is hard working, smart, funny, easy to comunicate. But I went into depression, I didn't realise. Lost my job. Lost focus for few years. Wake up after the kid was born. Start performing again, top income, etc. But in relation she is absent. Never say "good morning" "i love you" " thank you". Never! If I try to touch her as a enbracing she is moving away. Like a cat. Just ignore. When I am saying there is an issue - she respond with is only me the issue and if I want I can go. For a small remarque from my side she is mentioning the separation. Now I am ok with this but not with separation from the kid. She is a good mother and we are good parents in that regards. She realy excels in all except.. :)

[@olivertwist9971]

I never understood why many people I knew would suddenly cut me off once they got into a "relationship" with someone. Well, I "understood" but I never really got why they would go through with it. Didn't they understand that their "partner" was just trying to solidify total and absolute control over them? How could that not be the biggest red flag in the world? Watching your videos I've come to a realization. Perhaps it was because of those bonding hormones and how much they can be a literal "drug" for most people. Pretty hard to just talk a smack addict to go cold turkey. Pretty hard to talk a person in a toxic relationship to just break it off with their "partner" instead of you if they're telling them to do so. After all, they are their drug dealer. Addicts cannot fathom how to deal with the prospect of losing the provider of the joy juice 🙁

[@FPolydorion]

I just learnt that my relationship with my boyfriend was just this way, and it's not just him or me. We both still live with our parents and that might be triggering the resentment in our relationship. I decided it's best if we get distant a little bit till we heal.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like you two need to do your own attachment work. Couples CAN heal this together, and it can make an incredible bond. Just be smart about not hurting each other in the process. Sounds like you're trying to walk that balance. Can you send each other videos from this channel to discuss? That should open up conversation and help make things clearer for you both.

[@positivel5530]

Every time I would express a need he would manipulate the situation and tell me I made him feel not good enough. Can we spend time together this weekend? “ nothing is good enough for you, didn’t I spend an hour with you in the phone today” I’ve learned how to communicate my needs better and leave if someone cannot show up

[@karilyons1045]

I would 100% agree with this list. My question is when you’re the person that has this happen to them originally, overtime is it possible for you to start reacting in the exact ways, this list describes? Example, you speak controlling/jealousy. Then give examples of how if your partner isn’t comfortable with you speaking to certain people how that is toxic. if someone consistently overtime has shown you that they’re not forthcoming or completely honest with exactly what’s being discussed when you’re not around, so therefore you start to become suspicious or uncomfortable with them talking to certain people. How do you know when your reactions/feelings are due to being the toxic one or are due to what has actually happened to you in said relationship

[@maxsteven2659]

Arrr watching first thing in the morning let’s go proper make me think

[@maxsteven2659]

Nice suit

[@oambitiousone7100]

Wouldn’t let them go to therapy, eh? 🤔

[@BadMotivator66]

hi, adam! :) no comment, just a hello

[@Pkqe33]

Hey Adam, loving the new content. I've got a question that I think could make a good video. How can a guy stop being afraid of the mistakes he's made in the past? I sometimes feel so insecure when I talk to people, as if they'll discover the mistakes I've made before and the thought keeps me down. I know its related to attachment somehow but I just can't figure out how to deal with that. Also big fan of your Slaying your fear, lifechanging material!!

[@spyroluver0951]

why do you feel the need to tell everyone your issues in the past? It stays in the past and you move forward with yourself. You are not you, a year a go. Give yourself some love and move forward to plan what you want in your life and how to value yourself and what relationship you want

[@jonstersmall2716]

women gaslight too.

[@heatherguess518]

I have a friend who is married to a toxic person like this and won't leave because she threatens to take everything from him and he's terrified.

[@lynettejohnson9051]

What to do when lack of communication creates worry and wonder of what is going on with a partner that has become distant? Hopefully to communicate and reconnect! Less stress, less worry, work together for a better future.

[@dvegas]

Neglect and emotional manipulation are ones I’ve had. “I’m so busy with work…my friends have all these things going on…why do you need to have quality time?” All sorts of things that I felt were abnormal. But the person would come up with these really convincing stories over and over. At some point though, it’s too much. How can one person have constant problems like this? They can’t. That’s when I knew it was b.s. Unfortunately, it took me a few years to come to the conclusion. After doing this attachment work with Adam, I can see this now with friends and people in my life. I’m putting up solid boundaries asap, and am more than willing to walk away rather than allowing the bad behavior to continue.

[@TheBestOfLisaRenee]

🫀I awoke at 1 am and have been binge watching these clips. 🫀

[@TheAlixir]

#4- please expand on what’s going on here. This is what my bf does and this is the first time I’ve heard it talked about. I’d really like to understand.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Does your partner pressure you to cut ties with your social circles?

[@TheAlixir]

@@AttachmentAdam no not at all. But the disgust reaction anytime I want to communicate or ask him to do something with me. It’s always “I can’t do this right now” or “are you serious?!” I’ve been through a lot with narcissists in the past but this reaction from my DA bf is unbelievably hurtful, almost feels like physical pain.

[@TheAlixir]

It’s been a year and half and I’m now terrified to speak up. It’s disgust, then withdraw and withholding, then stonewalling, then annoyed and dismissal. We’re in the process of ending it but I just really want to understand why this was happening. Why his reaction? Why my instant painful reaction to his?

[@peggyoverbaugh9248]

It kills you down to your soul

[@Kathy-hg5km]

agree - face it an getting out no matter what is the only way to heal, recover, gain strenght, build up a new life you deserve

[@jeffbabcock6033]

Finding your research has been critical for understanding my reactions to attachments. If both partners are children of trauma, having difficulty with attachments, is healing possible? If toxic behavior has challenged you to the point of failure, how do you both own your destructive behavior that resulted and ask for accountability?

[@AttachmentAdam]

YES, recovering from these wounds is possible. In fact, the two partners fixing their attachment together can bring them closer than ever as they both become the first people to truly accept each other. But it requires both to be fully willing to do the work. I help a lot of couples achieve this, if you want to build a plan with me send me an email: [e-mail]

[@maxsteven2659]

Talking assertively

[@hspinnovators5516]

Amen

[@GodHelpMe369]

If you're avoidant, you most likely have said to family members - who had a major role in your childhood: "You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless." This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment: 1. Being overly self-reliant (and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses) 2. Pushing down anger until it explodes and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can't always ask for 3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems 4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased/mocked 5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy (like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating) Remember ALWAYS this process is all about YOU!!! Not him. He is just a catalyst. Consider, he may be your twin flame. Look into that. After he initiated your trauma, you're now left to deal with and to heal: all that has come to the surface. GOOD! This is a blessing. Albeit painful. A necessary blessing, nonetheless. HUGE-HUGE gift! Major advice!!! Listen closely!!! NEVER ever CHASE HIM. He will run further and you will lose yourself more. You are the feminine. You are the divine goddess. You just be and approve (or disapprove) whoever comes along. It's a yes: you meet my requirements, or: it's a no, you do not. Be clear on whom you're accepting as a partner and DO NOT settle for less (or you just delay what's meant for you). Accept your struggle, anxiety, fear, sadness. Whatever comes up. It's all human, and in need of your attention. If you push it away, block it, or run from it... You will just have to deal with it later... 1) Put yourself first and foremost! 2) Fall in love with yourself. Be your own dream girl. Glow up and level up. Be the best version of yourself. 3) Rejection is redirection. Embrace the energies of miraculous possibilities. And, Any time you have a painful thought/memory/flashback/worry/belief: 1. Find the belief... 2. Write 11 DISADVANTAGES to having the belief 3. Write 11 ADVANTAGES to having the belief If you can NOT find the advantages then that’s EXACTLY why you're stuck!! When you finally see both sides... Your mind will STOP thinking about it 'cause your brain will be rewired. So you gotta keep at it, until you find the positive to the negative... And therefore, ultimately rewire your brain! AND REMEMBER: STOP making it all about manifestation when really, it's actually all about VIBRATION!

[@holynationclub]

Consider this: twin flames are a made up, toxic, false hope driven belief that keeps people stuck, but it’s all about attachment issues.

[@user-uw9cl1dt6w]

You're talking about a narcissist

[@cmleibenguth]

Where is the line between one partner potentially being neglectful and the other partner being overly needy and demanding? What is the line between criticism that is too harsh vs trying to be direct / unambiguous and specific about bad behaviors? I am talking beyond the obvious in my above questions. Obviously any kind of demeaning / putdowns / namecalling about your partner as a person is unacceptable (not simply harsh).

[@AttachmentAdam]

Communication needs will vary between couples so these are great conversations each couple needs to have!