Why She's Sh!t Testing You

[@15walkingaway]

After my divorce, I heard this term. After reflecting, I realized that when my ex started doing this, that was the start of the end of my marriage.

[@indoorphine]

finally someone gets women, Ive been telling my brother this for ages but he still doesn’t get why women do tests

[@Stukkeman]

When it’s respectful, be secure and healthy. Any disrespect needs to be firmly and respectfully addressed then and there. Any pattern of disrespect or abuse needs to be seen for what it is … someone who is demonstrating they aren’t healthy enough to be in our life.

[@gus-199]

I've always had a problem with the language of "testing masculinity" in this context. Since it's women applying the test, it seems to imply women are the ones who hold the standards for masculinity and are responsible for evaluating it. Sounds absurd to me, as masculinity has been defined in relationships of men between themselves. And also an invite for people pleasing and external locus of control. I know it's not what you mean, Adam. But I definitely see people going that way when they worry too much about tests. Rather than worrying about women's tests or how to pass them, I think men are better off developing assertive communication skills together with a strong inner sense of masculinity and direction. In this, I agree with the video. That way a man can respond to any situation (test or not) by being guided by his inner compass. Passing tests is exhausting. Following your inner compass brings peace, assuming its well calibrated. One thing I find curious is that everyone seems ok with the idea that women need to feel safe so they constantly test men to see if they can provide safety. But would it be ok for men to intentionally and constantly test a woman's femininity or fidelity, for example? I think a lot of people would turn their noses up at the idea of men setting up tests to see if a woman is faithful.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Your last paragraph is an interesting thought experiment. Are there ways that men do test women's loyalty to them?

[@gus-199]

Maybe not by direct action, but indirectly by observing how she handles attention from other men, or how much she seeks it, or how available she makes herself to other guys. Observing if she knows how to draw healthy relationship boundaries, which requires limitations (by definition). Could we call this a test? But that's where we might run into problems, as a lot of people nowadays see any kind of limitation as the same as oppression. Women exposing themselves and receiving male attention on social media is pretty normalized these days. And if the guy says something, he might be labeled as possessive, overly jealous or abusive.

[@jonrazo7912]

@@AttachmentAdam Have their handsomest friend hit on her and see what happens :)

[@dextercool]

Sorry why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who keeps 'testing' me? I have enough stress in my life already without coming home to another source of stress. What happened to just enjoying each other's company?

[@cappygurl]

Amen!! Yes men should call each other out. Both men and women test each other. Even healthy people test inadvertently. To see if the person is going to be a good partner for them. Adam you should do a video on how men test women and how to approach that as a woman.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That is a great topic idea, thank you!

[@TrebizondMusic-cm6fp]

One particularly sneaky testing technique is talking like "I want to have a deep emotional intimacy with a man, I want him to be authentic and vulnerable with me, I want our partnership to be a safe space where we can share everything with each other." This is testing to see if the man is stupid enough to fall for such talk. If a man shows a woman all the fear and doubt and sorrow he carries inside, he cannot give her that stability and trust - especially if he's one of the 20% of man who are highly sensitive. "Emotional intimacy" means the man shows he can have empathy for the woman's feelings without getting crushed by them. If a man is highly sensitive, he has to work harder to achieve this: he cannot afford to just "be himself" and look for her to understand, respect, or protect his feelings. Emotional intimacy has hard limits between men and women who want to keep a stable and loyal sexual and family relationship. A woman will test a man with talk about "intimacy" and "vulnerability" and "authenticity" and "emotional fidelity" in order to see if he is able to keep up the proper performance of "sharing his feelings" in such a way to reassure her of his self-control and competence. It is useless to complain about this. I stopped listening to Paul Elam and others like him because they did complain about this. They wanted to be able to live in a world where men could rip up our man cards, just be ourselves, and expect to be accepted and respected and valued as human beings instead of how we performed the virtue of masculinity. Sentimentalist hogwash, all the more disgusting to show up in guys who liked to talk tough. Romanticism deceives men as well as women. Men have to learn to get their needs for total understanding and acceptance met somewhere else in order to properly perform for their wives - if you believe in God, you're all set. The foundation of marriage is not "emotional intimacy" - that grows slowly and probably in proportion to aging and the natural physical vulnerabilities it inflicts on both.

[@indoorphine]

the answer is you need to find the right person. not every woman is the same as another woman.

[@michellepackman1484]

I'm sorry people in your life have not been able to help you regulate those things. A healthy relationship by definition is a mix of self-regulating and also being able to regulate other people. The mistrust of other people's ability to be there for you is one of the central beliefs in avoidant attachment. I've noticed when you question those deeply held beliefs, things do get better. You deserve to have someone validate those things, they're all there for a reason (physiological responses to the environment that get coded as memories) and they're all valid. Women who say they want emotional intimacy but can't handle men's feelings are just used to a world where avoidance is the norm and their own abilities haven't been honed. You can be transparent and still be a good protector and provider.

[@TrebizondMusic-cm6fp]

@@michellepackman1484 Mistrust in others' ability to be there for me, doubt as to what I deserve or ought to ask for other people to do for me. I don't know what I deserve to have validated, but maybe I can produce something that other people value. Women who can't handle men's feelings are living according to their nature. They can learn to overcome it, but it's costly, and if a man presumes to ask that effort of a woman, he is putting a burden on her. Men worth more than me might have that right but I haven't earned it. Some women might be willing to carry that burden for the love of a man, but how long will they keep it up before deciding they're the victims of patriarchy? Transparent and still a good protector and provider? I don't see how that is possible. Maybe it is for certain personalities, but not mine.

[@dahliaherrod4301]

Adam I enjoyed this video quite a lot. You mentioned that it's the purview of male friends to challenge men to be better. What should the response be of a woman who notices poor behavior or attitude in her husband?

[@oic1968]

It's the best episode so far...

[@lakemsgs.7daytarottoo]

Hell yeah. Also, do you have a video like this for/about women?

[@dericflairmultiverse4952]

This makes so much sense! 😮😮😮

[@oambitiousone7100]

AMEN: and not just guys at work. Real friends

[@BalladofJanine]

HELL YEAH! Finally found your channel, and totally getting into your content. Yes men we do shit test you, to make sure you can handle the relationship long term not just playing house. We love men, and want them to be the best masculine man you can be! & Trust

[@tim712]

Great video, so true, thank you

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad this video resonated with you. Is it something you've been facing lately?

[@tim712]

@@AttachmentAdam yes, last week haha

[@AttachmentAdam]

Oh no! Did you ace the test?

[@tim712]

@@AttachmentAdam yes, I did as you happened to have outlined and it is proof you are right, as I received the response you stated

[@AttachmentAdam]

Love to hear it!

[@michellepackman1484]

I guess I had a different operational definition of "testing". My own definition is that if a need isn't being met, or our intimacy is difficult to gauge, or the man's character was unclear and therefor was unsure if he is meeting my criteria for suitable partnership, that "testing" is a course of action that is more a covert (read: shameful or not self-aware) means of obtaining the information. My thought is that having a plain and clear discussion is the healthiest way to meet that need, and by definition isn't "testing". But in one of your examples, Adam, you are saying that someone confronting a person directly about not performing an agreed-upon task, e.g. "taking the trash out" is also a test. So is it that any time I express a need (which I try to screen for rationality) considered a test from the male perspective? I am a little disheartened by the tendency to overly apply labels that signal some kind of malintent, but I am here to try to learn. I notice that avoidant community tends to have a different operational definition of "manipulation" as well, like it get soverly applied. As someone who lived through narcissistic abuse, "manipulation" to me is more like when you know you're trying to covertly control someones internal emotions (e.g. shame or guilt) to control their behavior but you ARE self-aware and doing it anyway. When someone is triggered and acting out of fear, i'd call that an adaptation and it is way more workable and forgivable. I feel like the antidote to all of this is just clear communication. It seems like a sad worldview to call a lot of behaviors testing and manipulation and have to necessarily come to the conclusion that the world requires interfacing with mal-intent. Whereas from my perspective as a heterosexual and feminine woman, it is vitally important to the survival of my future children that a man is a dependable person; it is only about my safety as a barometer for future children's safety; it ultimately isn't about me at all. Women are by nature too selfless, which is true for me. Fuck me, who cares? I feel like it's a positive trait to be able to withstand the possibility of all kinds of possible outcomes in order to get pregnant with total trust and confidence. It's sad that there seems to be a mismatch here in our inability to even reach a consistent operational definition. Thankful for your content and the emerging discussions.

[@misamow1]

Hell yeah!!

[@verdtre4573]

This actually matches manosphere advice ive seen. Though you go more into depth. PUAs never understood why shit tests exist, but they understood that to get that girl to come back with them they needed to deal with the shit test without destroying the mood. Tests sound like a chore, but i know a few characters in fiction that show how they can actually have very positive effects on a man. The best example is probably Nagatoro from "Please dont bully me, Nagatoro". She turns the wimpy protagonist into boyfriend material over a year of constant teasing. Many people dropped that manga very early because she starts off quite strongly. I guess those people did not pass the test.

[@AttachmentAdam]

PUAs do also talk about this phenomenon because they see it - but you're right, they miss the underlying issue and why it happens. Learning what a woman actually needs and being able to consistently meet that need is the foundation of a healthy relationship. That goes way beyond just picking up a partner.

[@olivertwist9971]

I'm also a fan of that series and the reason the dude puts up with her BS is because she's also very supportive in her own way once he did pass them. She did kind of go Nuclear with the shit testing in the beginning but that Mangaka knew his audience from his, well, I'm sure everyone who is a "true" fan of Anime and Manga knows exactly where most of their favorite artists and writers got their start and Nanashi is no exception. There's a tactical nuke, and then there's a Cyclonic Torpedo (if ya know ya know). She Tac Nuked him in the opening chapters and didn't see his response as a deal breaker because, well, it was kind of excessive to be honest and she got that on a base level and thus forgave his technical failure. Then he started passing all of them rather hard. It helped that the two of them are perfect exemplars of what an "Aggressor" and "Victim" are if you know what I'm getting at.

[@smilez4us]

Excellent

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear you enjoyed this one!

[@roxilavelle5812]

Amen on men should police each other!

[@thegreengatsby9803]

hell yeah!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the feedback!

[@arminxvs3372]

Problem is that those tests like never stop. It feels like a continous chore to always "proof" something to her. It's like: "Will you eventually trust me like I trust you or will mistrust keep coming up every other day?" Somewhat tidious tbh.

[@AttachmentAdam]

If a woman is severely wounded, she might react this way and over-test you. It can also happen if she feels you have failed many tests before and she's now doubting. Either way, that's not a healthy balance and a conversation needs to be had about whether or not trust can be established for good.

[@marquintawalker7906]

Hell yeah!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the feedback!

[@miakamei1751]

Hell yeah!

[@K1ck1992]

So when I watched your video, I realized that it goes both ways and that I, too do some testing. The difference is some tests are hidden, that's disrespectful to me when you know someone for a long time. And some tests show your different views. You can pass a test for yourself but its not passed for the other person

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great that you're recognizing your own tendencies. Have you ever considered talking to your partner about your communication styles?

[@ZenSei03042]

Masculinity creates Stability. - Clear direct Communications. - Clear Expectations. - Clear Honor Code. - Direct Action Predictability. - Safety Protection from Outside. Act on Test. - with Reason. - with Logic. - with a response that make Sense.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Your observations about the qualities associated with masculinity and stability raise interesting points. In your own opinion, how have societal expectations of masculinity changed over time, and what impact has this had on relationships?

[@ZenSei03042]

@@AttachmentAdam hey Adam. I note that info from out the Video especialy for just my own journey, but sure iam aware of the societal Value. I dont know. I do myself. Iam not in tune. And i believe it depends on social group aswell.

[@ZenSei03042]

Also i believe men have to be aware of that Expectations itself can be used as a psychological manipulation for breaking spirit against them. A code of honour can not be dependent on another individual. I might say even institution.

[@jackielivezey7204]

HELL YES

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad this one resonated with you!

[@kellygrames6816]

Amen!!

[@Dj.D25]

Would flaking count as tests? Such as canceling plans to meet up or talk on the phone with lame excuses that aren't emergencies, even though spending time together was her idea? Or is that just drama/games and using a man for attention and purposely wasting his time?

[@hspinnovators5516]

That sounds like notorious fearful Avoidant behavior

[@loveisthedrug3579]

What about when I have a man who does this???

[@melissaleigh3013]

HELLL YEAAAAA

[@AndrewStuart-z2h]

So all single moms and women who are in abusive relationships failed their own tests. So if women test and still choose crap, whose fault is it. So these women test to choose someone abusive and someone who's gonna leave them to raise kids on their own. I dont have a problem with tests, if these women test, then she should be making the best choice and we shouldn't be hearing all men are dogs, if they chose based on their tests.

[@jenniferedmondson5019]

Amen

[@tashakaiser6160]

Education

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's the goal!

[@angelcandelaria6728]

At what point is the test disrespectful?

[@iohannesfactotum]

I wasn't worthy

[@AttachmentAdam]

Why would you think that? You are more than worthy and you deserve to be happy. If you ever need guidance feel free to email me at [e-mail]

[@cappygurl]

I want to tell men with daughters. How would you feel if your daughter was with a man who treats her the way you treat me. What would you tell her?

[@AttachmentAdam]

YES, there is a deep connection and we need to talk about that!

[@LightDispelsDarkness]

In contrast, would you want your sons to be married to someone like your wife?

[@DrLindseyM]

Amen

[@AttachmentAdam]

❤️🙏

[@redmtl1]

Alpha chimps not driving Bugatti is hilarious

[@AttachmentAdam]

🤣

[@ilikerealmaplesyrup]

The more I watch this channel, the more I am okay with being alone. I wonder how woman would like us testimg them all the time fornrandom things. What happened to simple observation. There are enough natural life tests that come up in life and normal relationships to plan out "tests".

[@ricardodsavant2965]

I"m broke. Have a nice day.

[@peapod6747]

I watched the whole video and i have no clue what you are talking about. What do you mean by test? From what you said, testing is when a women wants to have a conversation with the man about something that is bothering her. I dont see this as a test. I see it as adults having a productive conversation. I googled shit test and it seems to be when someone fabricates a situation with the sole purpose of seeing someones reaction. Who does this? It sounds unhinged. I've never done this. Why would anyone lie and make up a situation? This is manipulation and seems like something an extremely insecure person with a personality disorder will do; like borderline.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I don't disagree, but it's essential to differentiate between healthy communication and manipulative tactics and to avoid misdiagnosing people. In your opinion, what are some signs that indicate that someone might be using manipulative tactics?

[@peapod6747]

@@AttachmentAdam if I ask someone a question and they give me anything but a straight answer, they are game playing and im out. Im not playing guessing games with anyone. As for insulting each other under the thin guise of, "its just a joke", I dont do that. Disrespect is not a game. You disrespect me and we are never speaking again. And yes, I have put that to the test. A guy was trying to be cute and said something negative to me. I told him, if you ever say that to me again, I will never speak to you again. He said it and i immediately got up and walked away and never spoke one word to him since. That happened 20 years ago. I say what I mean and I mean what I say.